D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #25 Woodsmoke, Honeysuckle and Lemon

Episode Date: August 1, 2020

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Once again, that's sanspantsradio.com. Welcome to Season 2, Episode 25 of Zombie Plagues Chult. Back in the old times. She is the Nightmare Speaker, an oracle of sorts. She unras the sea, runs bliss. Can we see Flask? Yep. In one of the four pits, you see Flask of Wine sitting there with a grumpy expression,

one big bruised eye, and his arms are crossed over. Oh, he's alive, Adam. Ha ha! Sucked in. He tries to bite down on Dragonbait just as he gets control of his body back. He uppercuts the broodguard's jaw. I love that boy so much. Locks its jaws around

Hooded Lantern's neck and then jerks. You hear a snapping sound and Hooded Lantern's body goes limp. I think Hooded Lantern's neck and then jerks. You hear a snapping sound and Hooded Lantern's body goes limp. I think Hooded Lantern is dead. You stab the broodguard in the belly and it looks up at you and hisses. Why? What?

No, stabilizing isn't enough. He needs actual healing magic. Ah. Yes. Dragon Bait will actually die in a round. He just hasn't died yet. There's actually nothing you can do i'm so sorry you should be surprised you're eating rod now rod is your dinner trapped in the prison

with the yawn tea and with dragon bait badly wounded you lay the final blow on the enemy champion between the immovable rod going up his ghoulies and the immovable rod going down into his mouth, it feels like truly the worst day in this man's life. Good. Yeah, well, he was trying to make our day bad. That was Tiffany and Ardis. It's the Tabaxi turn. The Tabaxi finish off one of the Broodguard.

It only had one hit point. Good. That Broodguard was panicked. It died in not the not the nicest circumstances being torn apart by two creatures maybe they get a little feral and they have to remind themselves they're not killing to eat pop and dragon bait dragon bait dies do i know that he is now dead is there some innate part of me that's like, that dragon bait is dead? Dragon bait falls to his knees, bleeding out of cuts and wounds and holes all over his body. Dragon bait looks you dead in the eyes, Pop. Adam. And you see,

just before he collapses, with a single hand, he brushes gently up and down his arm and mouths the words soft. Oh, my God. Dragon Bait, a big grin on his face, seeing that the champion is fucked and that you, after a tough fight, it looks like you have the upper hand now. Dragon Bait finally, finally gives up. He collapses. What can we smell? Do not just say blood. The last things you smell before he hits the floor are wood smoke.

That's exactly what I was worried about. Honeysuckle and lemon. Oh, so that's like the kind of devotion that you would give to like a deity or someone you cared about. Tenderness or concern and happiness. As Dragon Bait's corpse lies there, it gives off a faint smell of tar. Celebration. Victory.

Oh, Adam. Pop, what do you do? You're on one hit point. Heal yourself. Oh, my God. Heal yourself. Oh, my God, heal yourself. Are you serious? Yes. He's stunned.

He's not going to get an attack this turn. No, he'll get one next turn. Yeah, but I'll get to go before him. He won't get a turn. Oh, I can attack him. Okay. Cool. Yeah, do that.

Cass. All of your attacks this round will have advantage. Yeah, exactly. I'd like to Zephyr strike and just shred the ever-loving shit out of this person while screaming you kill my friend who taught me to be soft you slash into the champion's throat tearing it out the champion staggers backwards with like a Thor's hammer sort of wind up you slam the butt of your hammer into the underside of his chin you knock his head backwards and you hear it crack you can see his spine exposed through his neck then you bring the sickle down into the top of his neck and keep cutting down. You cut his neck open and then into his chest open,

exposing ribs, sternum, and vital organs. The champion collapses over backwards, very dead. It's the broodguard's turn, and the broodguard on its own knows that it is now fighting for its very life with little option. The brood guard does not assume you will give it quarter and it does not intend to give you quarter. It lashes

out at Tiffany, I'd say. Oh, boo. Bad choice. Bad choice. Critical miss. And we'll see actually, I guess, what that last one is. So. And then I un-cannot lead. You take five points of damage. Uncannily dodge. Yes.

Which you half down to two. Hey. Off form, you have disadvantage on melee attacks for seven rounds. God, that's pretty bad. That's so embarrassing. Hashtag shameful. All right. What a horrible dad.

Tiffany and Artis, it's your time. That's so funny. Thank you. Thank you. Can Artis hone this man? Artis can't. He's out of magic. I forgot to ask how much he had. Artus can't. He's out of magic. I forgot to ask how much

he had. Yeah, I figured. So when can he next use that? After a long rest. Oh, no. Okay. Artus will shoot the man. Alright. Artus plugs that fucker full of arrows.

That's what I meant to say. Hit. Miss. Only one of the arrows finds their mark, and Artis only does four points of damage to the Broodguard. That's no good. Then it's your turn. I would like to, with Artis on my other side.

Unfortunately, he can't. He's too far away. Well, then, I'd just like to do a regular green flame blade shank. No, he can't. He's too far away. Well then, I'd just like to do a regular green flame blade shank. No, you still can because the tabaxi are there. Right, of course! I'm sorry. Wow, that was intense.

I'm so sorry. I've let my parrot in. Out of the way, Jemima. She's gone now. You deal 20 points of damage stabbing the brood guard directly through its eye. The brood guard doesn't like that. Ah. Yeah, I thought I would mention.

No, that's important to me. Does it just say, wait, no. Ow. The tabaxi. But that's the eye I look at my kids with. The tabaxi go to town. They hit four times. And, and yep that brood guard goes down as as copper bell lunges and wraps itself around the brood guard's front tearing into it

flask of wine leaps on its back grabs its mouth from behind and falls oh Using his claws, Flask of Wine skins the top half of the broodguard off. As that happens, as the broodguard dies, it hisses out to each of you, Flask of Wine leans down into its ear and

hisses, You can hear all of you on the other side of the ice wall This is you know why. All right. You can hear all of you on the other side of the ice wall that Artisembra has made. As people try to dig their way through. Heal us up. And I'm going to try and figure out this. I just sort of run over because I've forgotten the word for it. But I'm going there. I figure out this. I just sort of run over because I've forgotten the word for it, but I'm going there.

I go to dragon bait. Yeah. I'm not, I didn't hear you. Oh, that's really upsetting. No, I'm trying to figure out how to do the portal, the teleportation portal, and I say, I just yell back at Pop, heal us. I'm just looking at dragon bait. This one hurts.

This is why you don't have friends. They die. Artis Simbra starts opening another one of the grates. Flask of wine helps. Actually, you know what? Fuck, so does Copper Bell. All three of them manage to get the other cells open. Artist Simbra says, if you want to try and figure out the teleporter,

we'll try to get everyone out of here. Of course. I'm on it. Yeah, I haven't done anything. You can just do nothing if you want. I will do something eventually. I'll just get my shit together. I say little Gregory Bones prayer for Dragonbait,

and then I get up and I cast Cure Wounds level three on myself. And then I go over to the corpse of Big Boy, and I remove my immovable rod from his gooch. Oh, so you grab mine? Presumably, yeah. You have two immovable rod from his gooch. Oh, so you grab mine? Tiffany, presumably, yeah. You have two immovable rods. And I take Tiffany's, but I don't pocket it. I just hold on to it.

And then I go and heal Artis with a level two Cure Wounds. All right. Artis heals 11 hit points. How does Flask look? Flask of Wine looks fine. He's actually not taking any damage. A little bit, but not a lot. He's a bit roughed up.

Yeah, just how he came in. Cool. But he's otherwise fine. Well, then I go to Copperbell, who is not okay, and I give her a level two cure wounds as well. All right. Copperbell recovers seven hit points. She looks a little better.

She thanks you very deeply. Olimar Othdama, who is the other human in with Flask of Wine. Flask of Wine and her seem friendly. Now, you see when she climbs out of the pit, you like lower down a rope to help her out. when she climbs out of the pit, you like lower down a rope to help her out. When she climbs out of the pit,

she reaches into like a ragged cloth boot that she had to fashion for herself, and she pulls out a jagged shard of glass that she has fashioned into a dagger. You pull out of another one of the pits, pottery shard, a tabaxi. Pottery shard? That's a kid's name. Tavo. How fucked up is he after seeing, ah,

just the things he's seen? He chooses not to look at a lot of the gore around the place. You see that he wears a flowery garland, which you have to assume means he was captured recently. The flowers still look semi-fresh. You also see a

fire-newt warrior who does not speak a language anyone here understands. And there's a male human who you pull out. He seems very apologetic, not apologetic, but very happy to see you. He introduces himself as Lamar Dral.

And as soon as he starts talking, you can tell that he and Arda Simber come from the same part of the world. There's a goblin, Mung. You pull the goblin out. You pull Kanush Natombi, a local Cheltian tribal. You're not sure exactly from where. There's not a lot of conversation. You maybe get like an introduction

and that's it. Maybe one of the people here introduces themselves and then everyone else is like, oh, and I'm blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I have to imagine it was Pottery Shard. Yes, probably. I am Pottery Shard. It is a pleasure to meet you. Is this the flask of wine?

I heard you made off with a lot of mail. Flask of wine nods. It was quite heavy to carry. Fucking hell. They're just mail thieves. They're just mail thieves. I just love this.

Warmest moment. Yeah. Finally. I'm immersed. The ASMR for your heart. It makes your heart itchy. Yes, ASMRt. Why is that not a channel?

We'll make one. Yeah, a new podcast idea. Tweet at Douche13 what you would like to see in an ASMR channel, and Tom and I will do it. Make sure he tells Tom and Cass. Yeah. And finally, you pull out Zilla Atazi Zilla Atazi She's

Where's the pure blood that was in there? Oh, do you pull them out? What do they seem like? What do you ask or say about the Yonti pure blood? I don't say to pure blood, I say to Olimar And be like, what's with the snake? Olimar shrugs. Does not know where he's from.

Pureblood doesn't know where he's from. Doesn't remember himself, no. From here. No, he's... Why is he in a hole? Oh, no, he's from here. He just doesn't seem to remember where he's from. Why is he in the hole?

I don't think he knows he's a yaunty. He can fucking stay there. The yaunty looks up at you and is calling out for assistance, but no one here feels particularly like helping them. Gosh. I mean, I've walked away. You can do whatever you like. No, I'm also going to walk away because we don't have time.

We thought we could trust someone here and they betrayed us. We're not doing that anymore. No. That's why I have lots of rules. Both of you notice that Lormar Dral and Ardus Sember have had like a quiet, hushed conversation. They end it when they notice that you were watching. Ardus Sember gives both of you like a sure, like a confident nod.

Like everything's okay. Is it? He doesn't say that. So saying is it doesn't make a lot of sense. Yeah. Yeah, it makes sense. No. Is it?

Artisembre, describe this nod. Like he goes, ah, yes, yes, yes. Like 100% friend. Yes. It would want to be. Artisembra gestures to Dragonbait's corpse. Should we take it with us? I guess.

I would rather it didn't stay here. So, Adam, a great emotional journey takes place across Pop's face. He sees Dragonbait's dead corpse. Fucking hell. I walk back to where the pureblood guy is in the bottom of the pit. I throw him the rope. He climbs out. Thank you.

Thank you. Yes. I do not want to be stuck here with the yawn-tees. You know, you are one, right? No, I'm not. I swear to you. What? You're not a yawn-tee.

Why are you? My name is Seth.. What are you? My name's Sevs. And what are you? I am humans from Potsnaya and Saru. Alright, Sev's Mkiv is real simple. If you think about betraying us, I will rip your spine out through your arsehole. I swat nevas betrays you. Puss.

I try and look over Pop's shoulder at the auntie and just nod like I'm being like, yes, it's fine. Both of you believe that if this is a deception, it is a particular. No, Pop, you believe that if this is a deception, it is a particular no pop you believe that if this is a deception it is a particularly good one sev just isn't making sense it just there is no possible way sev could get any advantage out of hat taking this stance you are baffled as to why anyone would lie like this. Tiffany, you can tell that either some magical malady, some poison or something has taken a hold of Sev's mind. Sev is mad, insane. That is what is causing this.

Oh, I pop up behind Pop. He's not of sound mind. I'm very aware of that. Well, he's coming with us. Oh, I know. All right. Come on. Over this time, Tiffany has been attempting to decipher the arcane sigils

and the arcane rituals required to use the teleporter. Tiffany, over the course of 10 minutes, you fail to decipher how to work it you could keep trying if you want what about orvex we left him orvex isn't with you we left him with the red wizards we did we did we did do that um can i try again uh you can can i ask around the room to see if anyone else reckons they could have a decent crack at it. Lomar says, well, I could certainly give it a crack. I think I might be able to figure it out. At least I would appreciate your help, though. Oh, of course.

What can I do? All right. Lomar walks you through understanding several of the arcane sigils and readings, and together you just barely, by the hairs of your chinny-chin-chins, work out how to use it. Well, I assume this would work. So, you know that you can take this teleporter to the harem, to the throne room. Where else?

Right back here. You can take it to the Fane of the Night Serpent, which is that large ceremonial room that you were in before with the pool of blood. Where everyone is. Well, you're not sure where people are right now. Certainly there are people trying to excavate your room right now. Well, surely we would go into... The throne room.

Yeah. Because we came here for a thing. We came here for a thing specifically, and the puzzle cubes are somewhere in the throne room, secreted. And the worst-case scenario, we can always. Pop, are you able to do any healing on me at all? Yeah. Sorry.

I can. Thank you. I level. What have I got left? Level three healing on Tiffany. That's very kind. Four pillars support the vaulted ceiling and steps ascend to an iron throne carved in the likeness of a hydra. Painted on the wall behind it is a large blue triangle.

To the south, an engraved stone disc is set into the floor of an alcove. You walk out of that engraved stone disc. A ten foot wide opening in the east wall leads to a flooded cave when you teleport in i'm gonna get two of you the two of you to make checks all right both of you pop and tiffany you recognize the blue triangle behind the throne when you were back at Fort Vengeance. No. Yeah.

Fort Righteousness, Fort Vengeance. The one where you had the big siege. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The undead, the intelligent undead creature in charge of that army had three dots on its head in the form of a triangle in colored blue. And you recognize the pattern here. Oh, no. Did we bring Dragon Bait's body with us?

Did you? Yes. All right. So it's you two, Dragon Bait's corpse, Lomar Drow, the person that Artis Simba is vouching for, Artis Simba, Flask of Wine, and- All those people, including Otomoli Mogolli, the lady, the 10-year-old boy, Philip.

Tavo. The 10-year-old boy is called Tavo. Mung, the goblin. Mung the goblin. Can't wait to eat him. Sev, a yaunty pureblood. That's the pureblood that doesn't realise he's a yaunty. Oh, yes.

Pottery Shard, a tabaxi minstrel. Pottery Shard. Oloma Othdama, a Tabaxi Minstrel Pottery Shard Aloma Othdama a human Mung, obviously Kanush Natombi who is a Cholten local and Zilla Atazi

Who was the last out of the teleporter? Out of you two Me, me, I've got Dragonblade's body Alright, maybe you're the last in total as well. As you step through the teleporter, you have just enough time to clock the blue pyramid before out behind the throne, four creatures emerge. They have blue shining eyes, shining with an undeath. You can see that there's a malevolence about them.

The creatures appear whole, but definitely undead. There's a sallowness to their skin, to their ashen grey skin, and you can see on their foreheads three blue dots in the shape of a triangle. We're going to go to initiative. Okay, that seems fair.

Tiffany, who would you like to act with? You have all of the NPCs. Artists? Alright. And Pop, who would you like to act with? You have all of the NPCs. Artists? Alright. And Pop, who would you like to act with? I'd like to act with... Oh, I want to fight with Dragonbeard, but he's dead. Yeah.

I will fight with the boy. You're going to fight with Tava? I'm going to fight with theava? I'm gonna fight with The bloke that Art has vouched for Alright Lomar Drell

Lomar Drell Oh wait They have no weapons None of them have any fucking weapons No none of Oh wait no One of them is armed Olamar

Othama She has a Like a Dagger made out of Yeah I'm gonna fight with Actually Adam What I would like to do is I've got Dragonbait's corpse and effects.

I'm going to give her my hammer. Okay. And I'm going to use Holy Avenger. All right. Holding Holy Avenger in both hands, you feel an energy surge through you. You feel like a righteous rage pouring within you. Oh, boy.

You need to spend an hour to attune to the weapon to get its full effect. But right now, it is still a powerful weapon in your hands. All right. So who are you fighting with? Olimar? Olimar? Olimar, and I give him a hammer. Oh, I forgot to roll for the goals. Because I'm still pop, though, when I give her the hammer,

it's not just like, here's the hammer. I hold the hammer out to her. And just before she gets it, I just tug it back and be like, you use this hammer against me, I'll cut your fucking head off. Olimar shakes her head slowly. I do not think I'm going to be using that against you. No, I know. Just, I'm not having a good day. I give her head slowly. I do not think I'm going to be using that against you. No, I know. Just, I'm having a good day.

I give her the hammer. She accepts the hammer. The ghouls act first. Oh, I'm sorry. I've given the game away. Well, whatever. Hey, Adam. Ghouls are also a general on Dead Talk.

Are they ghouls? No, they attack. Cass, what I like with that is that- Uh-huh. No, tell me. Is Adam being like, oh, no, I spoiled it by saying what the name of the creature is. Implies that you and I know what fucking creatures are what creatures and what that means when we fight them.

You're right. See, what Adam has done is by saying the word ghouls to us, we know exactly what the stats are now. Yeah. We have that encyclopedic knowledge. Name me any creature and I'll be like, yeah, I got it. Beholder. Ice?

You're right with ice. I said that because Adam's got a sticker of one on his computer. Tiffany, two ghouls charge you. One leaps at you and you dart backwards. It hits the ground face first in a very almost comedic way. The other one swipes at you and you feel its claws dig into your leather armor and then come out without actually touching you yourself. You can see that you have a score mark along your leather armor from the ghoul's claw.

Please let it be known that I look down at the score mark along your leather armor from the ghoul's claw please let it be known that i look down at the score mark think to myself of course because i've made it such high quality it's not going to bust through and then part of me is like i have to fix that and the other part of me is like oh i get to fix that all right a lot of emotions, complicated in nature, pass through Tiffany's face. Then another one of the ghouls attacks Artis Simba. Artis Simba quickly kicks it in the chest, sending it stumbling backwards. And then finally another one attacks Flask of Wine, who has no time for this. And instead, Flask of Wine launches a counterattack. Flask of Wine deals 10 points of damage as he grabs one of the

ghouls arms twists it you hear a snapping sound and then it pops out oh nah good all right i knew that was their weakness their arms because adam called them ghouls earlier oh right of course we know that they're pretty much detachable tiffany, it's your turn. I would like to use... Are they all pretty close together at the moment? Yeah, they're kind of almost in a line, but not... A line, you say? Not perfect. Oh, actually, you could take a five-foot step,

and yeah, you could get them all in a line if you wanted to. I would like to do that and cast Agonizar's Scorcher. All right, you do so. And toast them like shmallows! Three of them will take full damage, which is 3d8, and then the last one will take half damage. All right, full damage is... Oh, I'm sorry.

It's only seven points of damage. You did not roll well. So you deal seven points of damage to three of them, three points of damage to one. Nonetheless, you level a finger at them, Tiffany, and bathe all four of them in flames, destroying their skin but not stopping their will to fight. Huh.

What would you like Artis to do? Does Artis know anything about ghouls? Artis can roll to know? Yeah. That'll be his turn. No, he will use his bow and arrow to obscure a ghoul like a magic fuck he takes a five foot step back uh-huh twang twang twang a oh do you want him to target anyone in particular uh the ghoul number four has taken the most amount of damage i would like but ghoul number

one and two are the ones who are immediately next to you. Ghoul number four. All right. So of his three attacks. What's behind ghoul number four? Behind ghoul number four is two arrows. As Ardacimber deals 13 points of damage. Ooh. Yep, that ghoul goes down. Ardacimber turns it into a pin cushion.

Too cool for ghoul. Oh, yeah. That's Ardacimba, too cool for ghoul. You heard it here first, folks. Ardissimba utters a simple, hmm, and then the fight continues. Lomar drawl. Oh, that's right. He starts laughing. He laughs and laughs and laughs.

He points a finger at one of them and a bolt of arcane fire launches from his hand. Smaller but more directed than Tiffany's. Why is he laughing? Is he evil? Artus vouchs for him. Piece of shit. I'm going to kill Artus. I forgot he could do this.

He deals. All of his magic has been wasted, but he still has cantrips, so he still has some spells that he can do. He deals 10 points of fire damage to that ghoul. I like that I picked someone because I was like, oh, Lorimer doesn't have a weapon. No, no, but he can do. He deals 10 points of fire damage to that ghoul. I like that I picked someone because I was like, oh, Lorimer doesn't have a weapon. No, no, but he can do fire finger. Big hot finger. He's got a bunch of powers he can still use.

Spicy hand. Spicy hand. I like when Adam Neely referred to it as a finger blaster before. Pottery Shard starts singing a beautiful melody. Oh ghouls, oh ghouls, you drool so much. It's time to die but properly. He looks at you, Pop, and he says, Oh good, no friend made of shell, not a snake person,

but you first appeared as a snake. You must kill them. Rounds got long. You feel somehow inspired. You have bardic inspiration. Oh, my God. This is the sickest thing I've ever seen. This is a token?

Adam just gave me a token. Good luck thinking you're getting that back, Adam. So once in the next 10 minutes, I believe it is, you can spend that token and you get a plus one D6 on basically any D20 roll. So if I say, for example, I say you miss or you fail something, you get that. I can use that. So basically it's like a good boy card. So basically it's like a good boy card. Yeah, it's essentially a good boy card.

Just for plus D6. Yeah, it's a good boy card that the Tabaxi can give you. Thank you, Pottery Shard. Pottery Shard the Bard. Oh, yeah. Am I last in this initiative? My God. Mung launches himself and misses one of the ghouls. Kanush does nothing.

So does Zilla. And then it is. Cool. Thanks. Just saved your life. And then it is your turn, Pop. Kanush is obviously exhausted. You can see that Kanush seems very tired.

So the yaunty crazy person didn't do anything. The yaunty hasn't had their turn yet. And the little boy? The little boy has also not had his turn yet. I can't wait to find out that he's actually the greatest killer of all. How many ghouls? Three. There's three left.

Yeah, cool. Closest one to me? The closest one to you would be ghoul number two. I'm going to attack him with my sword. I'm just going to try to just, like, hack his head off. Hack his head off. There is no craft to this. It is just a big angry tortle with a big angry sword.

You hit. It's fucking good. Ghoul number two collapses. You keep moving with the momentum. That's fucking good. Ghoul number two collapses. You keep moving with the momentum. Let's fucking go. You can swing at one or number three. Let's go number one. These ghouls honestly seem largely decorative.

Got to spend for a re-roll on this one. Yeah, let's re-roll. Re-roll. Another critical miss. Well. You know what actually I'll let you use the bardic inspiration as a card basically If you spend it You just get a reroll Alright you hit

Another critical miss Which one did you pick again? Number one You deal a whopping 13 points of damage Not destroying the ghoul but definitely wrecking its day you destroy one of the ghoul's arms turning it into powder well literally turning into powder as you sever it holy avengers effect works yeah you can tell that holy avengers seems to be doing extra damage to these undead.

Holy Avenger seems to be doing extra damage to these undead. Well, keep using it. I fucking will. What would you like Olamar to do? Oh, no, there's two ghouls left. Go for ghoul one as well. All right. Yeah. Which one of you fuckheads wants to dance?

She swings three times. Twice with the hammer hammer once with the dagger she will miss critical hit critical hit all right wow and now a quick word from our sponsor also hey dnd is fun but if you're wishing that we would stop all this role-playing nonsense so that we could get down to brass tacks and nut out which bird is the best bird then do i have news for you shut up second is a show by myself jackson cass and zoe where we as my dad calls it embarrass ourselves on a public platform with our lack of scientific understanding so if you like the sound of that or if you want to know why my dad isn't answering my calls then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Shut Up a Second. Glad I gave her that hammer.

And stay down. Double damage and the target must make a DC. You know what? She kills the ghoul in her first attack. Her second critical hit with the dagger will be on ghoul number three. And that is low slash maximum damage. She deals in total six points of damage to that second third ghoul. And then it is Sev and Tavo's turn. Tavo does nothing this turn.

He just cowers near the teleportation circle. Little shit. Fuck it, I saved his life. I'm going to take him back. Is this. Spock just saved his life and take him back. Is this the boy? Yeah. Oh, and he's scared. Rob. I pick him up, Adam, and I put him back through the teleportation circle.

You don't know how. Slam dunk him. Sev throws up his hands and starts running about on the spot screaming. Good. Good. Then it's the ghoul's turn. My next turn I'm knocking Sev out. He's a liability at this stage.

That ghoul attacks Artis Simba a second time, and this time the ghoul strikes. How is Artis doing? Yeah. In his life. Can we check in? He's pretty badly wounded. And out of magic.

Yeah. Oh. Hmm. It's the one that was really healthy. Oh, Flask. They didn't hit Flask once. Yep. Oh. Hmm. It was the one that was really healthy. Oh, flask. I didn't hit flask once. Yep. Oh, yeah.

The ghoul deals eight points of damage, and he must make a constitution-saving throw, which he passes. Good. He's not paralyzed. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, they have a paralytic grasp. Oh, that's scary.

Flask of wine. Oh, paralytic grasp. Paralytic Grasp. Ooh, that's scary. Flask of Wine. Ooh, Paralytic Grasp. Paralytic Grasp. Every cat has his day, Flask of Wine says. Flask of Wine tears the last ghoul limb from limb. They're all dead. They rather seemed for show. Where are you, snaky son of a bitch?

Well, they said, wait, wait, is everyone okay? Do you have any magic left? Hang on, is that how we talk about it in the real world? Yeah. Have you exhausted your magic, you might say, in a more fantasy type way? Do you reckon you could heal anyone? Sure.

Who's hurt? Everyone needs healing except flask of wine. And your prisoners. Actually, some of the prisoners are looking in a sorry state. Like I said before, Kanush seems absolutely exhausted. Like four levels of exhausted, some might say. Oh, boy. Well, I can't help with that.

Help yourself. I'll get there. No, you first. I'll get there. I'll get there. You'll get to. I'll get there. I'll get there. You'll get to hell. Good. It'll be fucking lovely.

Can we not fight? Oh, December says. I'd shush him by healing him. You're doing the finger over his lips, but it's just charged with magical energy. He's like, what level spell do you cast? Is he fucked? He's pretty fucked.

Yeah, I give him a second level. All right. That is all my second level spells done. He looks a bit better. I do a first level on myself. You recover 11 hit points. How's Omar? She looks all right.

She's a little worse for wear, but not enough for a healing. And I don't heal her either. You all right? I could do with her either. Are you all right? I could do with some help. After you. I've already done mine. You've seen me. I did it.

Is that enough? Some of the blood seeps back into Pop, but Pop still looks fucked. Is that enough? Sure. Are you all right? I could do with some help, but I think you need it more. No, it's fine. First level spell i have and with that you can hear the sounds you can hear sounds in the distance of your team moving about hissing and yelling distantly but

you can tell that it's not it's not near you right now but it's only a matter of time before they discover what you've done okay um well there's meant to be a secret room in here, right? You search around. While we're searching, can I just go over to Ardis? I'm sorry about your friend. Ardis Simber. Well, no, this is a passive check, Pop. Oh, wow.

Holy shit. Your passive insight is amazing. Yeah, I know. Wow. I put a lot into it. You are very percept amazing. Yeah, I know. Wow. I put a lot into it. You are very perceptive of other people's emotions. That's fucked. Which is hilarious because I then deliberately choose to do the opposite.

You can see that Artisimber looks very upset. Artisimber has clearly been through the ringer. He had been through the ringer before you met him, and this is just a furtheration of that. Artis Simber is what's Artis Simber. Artis Simber definitely needs to speak to someone about his feelings. That's not me. No,

that's not you. Does, does he give me anything? Is he just like, yep, thanks. Artis Simber's response is like this. Yes. Yes. this. Yes.

Yes. All right. Yes. What do you want to do with him? If we can recover his body, then we should give him a burial. All right. I tie Dragonbait's corpse to my back. I know how this might end and this is gonna be

really shit for you guys oh boy searching around tiffany you're the one who finds it you find recessed into the northern wall a uh like a secret dooracing a finger around it, you can tell that there's like a seam in the wall. It's very well made, but you see it nonetheless. You can tell how to open it as well. There's like a tile that you press in to open the door.

Guys, I call people over and press the tile. Slowly, with deliberate time, and a lot of noise the wall moves away shadows dance over this opulent bed chamber cushions lie in one corner and decorative shields line the walls treasures are heaped around the room, gold and silver coins, a gilded heart, a fine jeweled flask, pillows of silk, and fine clothes draped over wooden mannequins. To the east, an engraved stone disc is set into the floor of an alcove. You can tell this is one of the teleportation circles.

To the west, a rectangular steel plate mounted on the wall is polished to a mirror-like sheen. Can I just do a quick once-over for some traps? Oh, no. Your enemy is in this room. Oh. Coiled up. Oh. Coiled up on the silk sheets and pillows is, well, actually,

Arda Simber introduces him him in a manner of speaking. He says in the same tone of voice that Lex Luthor says Superman, Ras Naze. Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, man, we have no magic. No, boys.

I have magic. Artis Simber. Let's go to magic. Ah, December. Let's go to initiative. Well, that's good. He'll be focusing on artists. Adam, if I wanted to intimidate someone, you would make an intimidation check on your turn. Thank you very much.

We are not prepared for this fight, Cass. There's no way we could be. We are so close to death. I know I summoned Vaughn earlier and like that means like Shadow Mantle knows we're in trouble but also we're in a tomb miles underground. We're locked in here

with him as the saying goes. No no no Cass. He's locked in here with us. As combat begins Razna Z spreads both of his hands out before him and says, And five shields from the walls fly off and begin circling around him. Oh, my God.

This is like a boss fight from a Sega game. All right. Pop, it's your turn. Sorry. It was really good boss music. I was happy with myself. Adam. Yes.

I'd like to intimidate Rasna Z. Your roll doesn't do so well, even with a decent intimidation. Is this a skill? Yes. I'd like to succeed on my skill check. All right. Tiffany. Oh, what would you like Olimar to do?

Fight. All right. So what are you saying by the way so you're the fucking snake bastard that's caused all this fucking shit the whole way through i cannot wait to rip your skeleton out through your face holes and mount it in a fucking museum all right with the intimid check, did you want him to back down? Because you're not really giving him the choice to back down there. Should I give him the choice? That's up to you. Sorry, your intimidation check made me think that you wanted him to back down. Is that an option?

You don't know. You don't know if Razz the Z is going to fight to the death. You don't know. You don't know if Razznazi is going to fight to the death. You don't know if he's brave. Or you could just slither back to whatever fucking hole you crawled out of. Okay. Would you still like Olimar to attack? No. Hold your movement until I see what happens here.

Okay. Tiffany and Artis. Can the movement, can she ready an attack? Yeah. I'm just going to hold until after Razznazi's turn. Razznazi lowers his hands. The shields don't lower down with him. But you see that he's, like, looking from one to one to one to one of you.

And you can see him, like, mentally adding up the fight before him. And you can tell that he's coming up a little short. Rasnazi clearly prizes his skin more than he prizes his religion. Oh my god, it's working. You have come for the puzzle cubes.

Yes. I feel like that's abundantly clear. So, again, we're either taking the puzzle cubes and you're fucking off or I either taking the puzzle cubes and you're fucking off, or I'm taking the puzzle cubes and you're skeleton. Both of you, Pop and Tiffany, you can – Wow, Tiffany, your passive insight is incredible as well. As good as Pop's is, yours is better.

So, both of you can tell Artisimber is, like, itching for a fight. Artis Simber is like itching for a fight. Artis Simber, maybe you remember, he needs Raznazi dead to see his wife again. Artis Simber, if you, unless he's not going to, Artis Simber is not the sort of person who's going to start this fight if you can, because you've made Raznazi back down. Artis Simber sees the reasoning in not having this fight, and he's a good enough person to let this go. But you can tell that letting this go is killing him.

Does his wife not come back if Raznazi still lives? Mezro, the city that she inhabits, will not return while Raznazi lives to threaten it. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Good to know. Oh, no. It's killing him, but he's putting your quest over his. Oh, that's rough. I mean, we can kill him later, right?

I guess. That's exactly what I'm thinking. Yes, that's exactly what I'm thinking. Raznazi gestures to the treasure hoard to his left, your right, and says, the puzzle cubes are there. All right. I imagine you will stay still. Absolutely.

And I will go and collect all the puzzle cubes. Raznazi says to you, take the puzzle cubes and leave. I put all the puzzle cubes in my pockets. You find among Razna Z's treasures two puzzle cubes, Nang Nang, the little frog, and Ijin, the one taken from Flask of Wine. So now we've got six. Yes. Aeons. Anything else good over there?

Is there anything else good over there? You can loot if you want, yeah. I'm going to have a look. I like the idea of just scaring a wizard and then taking all his shit. You can see Rasnazi obviously has seen better days. He is intelligent undead of some type, but his body appears to be still decaying when something when a creature is turned into unlife or undeath it it's the decay generally begins to stop unless some type of magic

continues it for whatever reason razna z looks like he is still decaying even though he is undead. And Pop, you know enough about this sort of magic to understand that this is not desirable. There is no reason that Rasnazi would want to continue to decay. But you do know that the soulmonger has this effect on people. Rasnazi is being partially consumed by the soulmonger. It's decaying him. Tiffany, also among the treasures, you find

a fine wine, or a flask of fine wine. You can add these to your equipment. I will be a flask of fine wine. That's Flask's uncle. These are all from specific locations, but these locations are unfamiliar to you, Tiffany. A bejeweled doublet with matching money pouch.

A cloak, a beautiful cloak, maybe made of silk. A gilded harp. Oh. Under one of the cushions, you find a leather-bound book, which you immediately recognize as a spellbook, Rasnazi's spellbook specifically. You're going to rob him of that as well? Yes.

We're going to tell him about every fucking thing he's got. Uh-huh. You find a total of 30 gemstones in a clay urn. In a unlocked wooden chest, you find 150 platinum pieces, 350 gold pieces, and 900 silver pieces. You also find a frog emeth statuette made of painted wood with three amethyst gemstones for eyes. Yes, well, I'm taking this for pop only because it was really brave.

You're taking that for pop? Yes. Okay. Because I was brave about the snake stuff. Yeah, you just stood up to the big snake and it worked. You were so brave. I would usually be like, we don't need any of this, but you're like, see what you can find.

I'm like, let's see. And I see the frog statue. I'm like, that belongs in a museum. Why are you so fucked? I do not know the cause of my afflictions. I do. Rasta Z narrows his one good eye at you. I narrow my one good eye at him.

What is the cause of this? You really don't fucking know. Hey, everybody. Fucking genius snake wizard over here doesn't know that the thing that he's apparently woken up is the reason he's falling apart. What have I woken up? Oh, you're fucking kidding me. You're an evil fucking snake wizard.

You're telling me you've got nothing to do with the soulmonger. What? Does he look like he's lying? No, you both think he's telling the truth. Are you kidding? You don't know. What is this? It's the thing that's turned you into a rat shit half snake.

The soul mongers. Where is this? I thought you had it. It's here. Again, I don't fuck. I might take your skeleton just for being an idiot. Is this why you have collected the cubes? Yes.

We're looking for the soulmonger. Is there something- Yes. I do not know of the soulmonger, but perhaps I know where you seek it. I was a fool. A fool for trusting him. Who did you trust? Azorak. the lich.

Both of you have heard the name Azorak mentioned. Pop, you know better than Tiffany. Azorak is a powerful lich, an incredibly powerful lich. The stuff of legend. Is he so powerful that if he took a DNA test, he'd be 100% that lich the stuff the stuff of legend is he so powerful that if he took a dna test he'd be 100 that lich he would he would um i would just like to mention that tom like made a little fist like a yes i made the deals with azarak to protect his his dungeons With Azarak to protect his dungeons.

Unmake the deal. You have the puzzle cubes. What did you get out of this deal? Azarak knew how to resurrect Dendar, the Night Serpent. You and your fucking big snakes. Do you know why you love big snakes so much? You're tiny fucking pricks. It's penis envy or some shit like that. Azarak promised.

I'm going to neg this guy. Now that I don't have to fight him, I'm just going to make him feel like shit. Azarak promised that he would help me summon Dendar. And do you think that'll happen when you're dead? I have been betrayed, Keeley. So, the Tomb of the Nine Gods is to the north. It is marked with an obelisk. The puzzled cubes are needed to unlock the door.

I do not understand it, though. Is Adam? Yeah. Are these shields particularly nice? Are they like, you know? No, they're ornamental mostly. But would they look good in a. I think ornamental is the key there.

If you try to take them, you will start a fight. Razz the Zee will let you rob him blind of everything except his defenses because that makes him suspicious of you. Which is fair enough. Not fair enough. Is there anything you can do to help us? I can give you some escort. But that is it.

I can only keep you safe within my domain and Omu. Fair enough. We would be very grateful for that. Thank you. And the Red Wizards? What of them? What about the Red Wizards?

They come here nows. And? I don't understand how that's my problem. I know you have spoken with them. Again? The Red Wizards coming here now? What do you mean, and the Red Wizards what? Are the Red Wizards here for the Soulmongers as well? Sure. They're here for something to do with the soulmonger, to stop you, to stop it. Very well. Tell them I

have no quarrels with them. No. They're gonna come in here and kick your fucking ass. Unfortunately, you have been Rosner's he weighs up his options. No, very well.

Be as rude as you want. You will not leave the Temple of the Nine Gods, even with an escort there. No one leaves alive. I can't wait to see the look on your face when I'm the first and come back and chop your fucking head off. Good luck. Raznazi gestures for you to leave. I turn around to like start the group going because we got to go.

I hold Ardis's hand and we leave together. You need to give Ardis a little tug, but Ardis moves. Yep. On your way out, a booming announcement from Razna Z says that you are not to be harmed on your way out of the Fane of the Night Serpent, but if you attempt to return, you are to be killed on sight. Would it be weird if we, like, had a nap here? In the Fane of the Night Serpent?

Yes. Okay, well, then we won't do that. We won't get killed, though. Ardus Simba, as you're leaving as well, seems uncomfortable. There are more slaves back there. Oi, snake boy! You're still speaking to Raznazi because you're probably at the gate by now. Are we well and truly?

Yeah, yeah. It wouldn't be until the gate that Ardusibus says anything. We'll come back after. Oh, you don't think I'm going to let that prick live, do you? Make this promise with me. Even if I don't return from the Tomb of the Nine Gods, kill Rasnazi for me. I take Ardus's hands in my hands and hold them up so

they're both all of our hands are in our vision i look into his eyes and i say i promise while we're making promises like this i want you to promise me that if i do die you will not try to wear the ring of winter he says showing you the ring again you will not attempt to wear the ring that's is that directed at both of us or yes i keep holding his hands i promise what do you want us to do it is a powerful evil artifact i want you to he looks at loma who is kind of like close enough to be here in the conversation he says give itoma, or failing that, pass it to the Harpers. They'll know what to do with it. Understand that you would want to put it in a museum,

but I promise you... I love that he could just see the war going on on Pop's face. I promise you it will not stay in a museum for long. It is a much sought- sought after very evil artifact please do not wear it and try to try to get it to the harpers i promise how about make your bear promise oh i really wanted this one but what is it i'm going to improve on your promise you don't we don't have to promise that we'll come back and kill raznazi in your honour because you're coming back to kill him with us and we don't have to promise to never wear the ring

because you'll be coming back with it. Art of Sember gives you a smile pop that makes you feel a little weird. It makes you, like, if we could zoom in on your chest and we got, like, an x-ray of your chest. The tiny little shriveled red, not black or anything like that, red, because it still passes blood, heart within you beats twice. Artisimber looks at you with a heartwarming smile and says, would that it were.

Would that it were. would that it were. Come on. Right. Will Ardus Simber ever be reunited with his love? Can Valindra Shadowmantle be trusted? Will our heroes, Tiffany and Pot, stop the soulmongers' evil work?

Or will they be consumed by the evil beneath Omu? And does Flask of Wine have a secret third ball of soft? Find out next season on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chops. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to sandspansradio.com and consider joining the sans pants plus community there's over 20 bonus shows a sans pants plus discord exclusive video content and discounts on merch just head to sanspantsradio.com and follow the links

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