D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #3 Dinosaur Races

Episode Date: February 29, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, we're out of burritos today. In the summer of 2019, Joel Zammett turned to me and said, what can we do for this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival that isn't just a live podcast like we always do? And I turned to him and I said, what if I did a quiz show that heavily featured my belly and hucked a loogie at everything that is good and decent? And from that conversation, Big Deal was born. And we did it at that year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival,

and no one called the cops. And so, we're doing it again. That's right. You have another chance to see the greatest show on Earth, Big Deal, at this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash live, right this fucking instant, to grab yourself some tickets and make sure you're there to witness what i'm sure critics will call a sin welcome to season two episode three of zombie plagued chult previously

while you're walking through here you see see a great deal of Cantonese people Soldiers off-duty, sailors also presumably off-duty Some just citizens And also you see members of the Sharpshot Companion Company My name's Tiffany, what's your name? Do you not know who I am? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I'm here My dear child, I am the great, the one and only,

Volothramp Gedan. Do you take silver? Yes, I will, but I'll need 500 of them. What about I give you 400 silver pieces and 10 gold? All right. Thank you. He hands you the book. Is it pretty?

The cover itself is boring, but there's pictures. The pictures. Yeah, the pictures. Is it pretty? The cover itself is boring, but there's pictures. The pictures. Yeah, the pictures. The pictures are nice. It looks like Volo sketched them himself, and he's a fine artist. In exchange, I need you to kill someone for me. Amala looks up at her with panic in his face. You found us a ship we're going to have to pay for,

and I thought paying for the ship was helping out your dying friend. Well, I feel quite happy with this arrangement. Amala, would you be happy to work, you and your family, if you would like, to work in my castle? There's no point. I've opened a trap door that I didn't want to open and I would like to go back

outside. Having completed Zindar's mission and securing a ship passage, what's your plan now? Temple. Temple. You head towards the temple. Entering the temple of Savras, you are greeted with a giant font, a dais.

Dais? Dais. It's a giant pool of water, like a waterfall. Oh, like a bird bath. Yeah, a big one, and not for birds. Dragon bath, yes. A big, not for, like a waterfall. Oh, like a bird bath. Yeah, a big one and not for birds. Dragon bath, yes. A big, not for any. All right.

A big stone-like bowl holds a great deal of water. There are pillars all over the place. So a font. Yeah, yeah. Oh, a font. Oh, Times New Roman. Yeah. Rocks fall, you all die. I haven't had one of those for a while. Oh, a font. Oh, Times New Roman. Yeah. Rocks fall, you all die.

I haven't had one of those for a while. Oh, yeah. There are many white columns all around in a circle at the edges of this circular building. There's lots of marble whites and soft blues here, and through the domed ceiling, soft light dapples everything it's beautiful in its whites and blues and the entire temple is empty right now save for several people standing near the font in the center of the giant temple holding a very hushed but angrily hushed you know what i mean when someone's whispering but

they're yelling at the same time yes we understand yeah something like that a hushed but angrily hushed conversation there are in total four people one of them is wearing the deep, lightly, sorry, blue and white robes of the grandfather, who is the head of the church here, presumably the person in charge, the head priest, and then three other people wearing light armors that you see embrazen with the Zentarem logo. As you walk in and when you notice who they are, Tarim logo. As you walk in and when you notice who they are, artist Simba throws himself up against a pillar

and curves around so that he can't be seen. You are there, that's probably a good idea. Also, I disguise self. Alright, what do you want to look like? I don't know, just not Pop Mandarin. Okay, still a turtle? That's easier, isn't it, if I just change myself to be a turtle? Yeah. And we're in Schultz,

there's turtles everywhere. Yep. Yeah, I just change myself to be a turtle? Yeah. And we're in Schultz, so there's turtles everywhere. Yep. Yeah, I just changed myself to look like a younger, preppier-looking turtle. One who wears pants. Nah, turtles don't wear clothes. At all? Nah. I've got a sash and a bowler hat instead of a straw hat and belt.

Pop makes himself look like what he used to look like 25 years ago. As you approach the centre I got both eyes No scars Tattoo What? The idea that someone touches your Because it's like a visual thing Like touches your shoulder like

Ah, I see you're here Pop Let's do it through the shell Oh no, no They touch where one of your leaking wounds is I don't have them anymore. They're closed. They're closed. You closed up all your wounds.

Yeah, we had like four or five days at the camp before we came here. He's still covered in scores and marks. Oh, yeah, I'm still covered in swords, but they're not open festering wounds. I'm just pockmarked. But I look very good. Oh, dapper. As you approach, you can see that one of the Zhentarim,

you recognize them as Zhentarim assassins specifically. These aren't mercenaries. This is a hit squad. They're here to kill someone, presumably. One of them, in his hand, holds a large ruby. It's incredible looking. It must be worth a small fortune on its own. He proffers it before the grandfather and says,

well, perhaps we could come to an agreement if you would not help us for a regular donation. The grandfather shakes his head. Noah, I would not help you for any money. You should leave now. The Zhentarim look a bit miffed at this quite angry actually the conversation is getting more and more heated and before you actually get or like when you're maybe 30 feet away one of the zentara assassins runs his hand over his scabbard with his

dagger in it and with a little popping sound, he unclips it and draws it a little bit. You get close enough that they can hear you. One of them glances over at you, nudges the one who was drawing his dagger, and they all slowly back away. We'll talk again, old man. They turn around and leave.

Doesn't sound good. Doesn't sound like our business. We'll talk again, old man. They turn around and leave. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Doesn't sound good. Doesn't sound like our business. Doesn't sound like they were trying to kill me either. I wish they'd just got a cell phone on me. The grandfather looks over at you with visible relief. What have you come here for, huh?

How can I help? I want to ask what was going on, but you're right. Not our problem. Not our business. Absolutely not. We need some of your divination assistance well my services i offer for free yes but donations are welcome he gestures towards the font and you can see coins within good to know so anyway what we want to know is are you able to locate a location that is both mythical

and potentially does not exist? What would you be looking for then? The lost city of Oumu. We should get a glossary of terms. The lost city of Oumu, washing powder town. The lost city of Ajax, stronger than all of Greece. We want everything that brand power has to offer us. Holy shit, did they name Ajax?

Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? Though my mind, wow. That's so amazing. I love it. I can't continue. I have to stop. I have to stop. I have to go home forever.

Yeah, we're looking for the lost city of Oumu. The grandfather, he looks like he's going to maybe give you some trouble, but then he looks back at the still retreating backs of the Zhentarins. I'm so glad I didn't immediately undisguise self. That's really good. And he says, all right then, I will see what I can, but you must understand this is a request I get quite often. Right.

Sure, sure. This isn't, we're not treasure hunting, we're on a quest. This is actually vitally important. We believe somebody is there causing grief for the entire chart. Everyone. You speak of the soulmonger? I speak of Rasnazi. The soulmonger I do not know if I believe in, yes,

but Rasnazi is more flesh and blood, if it were. So I will help you track Rasnazi if nothing else if your intentions are pure he looks at each of you in turn and you can feel like he's looking through you he's in a zone of truth this he hasn't zoned of truth to you but you can definitely tell that he's like reading you magically all right then the fontund P.O. He turns around. Reaches towards the font. Puts just his fingers just on the top. And gently strokes along the top.

On the surface of the water. And it ripples slowly outwards. He stares deeply into the pool. I see. Hmm. I see this is not easy to find This information that you seek is hidden I must consult the guides

It is a ritual It will take 24 hours See me again tomorrow Alright boss Thank you very much I flip a gold coin in Mark off a gold coin in. Mark off a gold coin.

I catch the- No, I can't. Typically, he would want a donation of at least 25 gold coins. He didn't specify, and he said they were welcome. I didn't give him anything. Yep, he didn't specify. I didn't ask. He's not saying anything either. I'm just saying.

Yeah, well, I don't know that. A flask of wine tells you on the way out. I'm just kidding. The entire NPC wine tells you on the way out. Aw. I'm just kidding. The entire NPC group tells you on the way out. They say all at once in unison in one voice. It's scary. Cooper Louie and Dragonite don't talk. They say it.

Oh. The one thing they've learnt. Usually donations of $25. What trouble are you going to get up to in 24 hours? Oh, Adam, so much. I don't think we should just hide. We should just hide. If people are after us.

Want me a drink? That seems so dangerous. I would say, actually, what I would suggest. Is this Artisimba? Yes. Is that potentially we should either go to a gladiatorial pit, either one of the official or unofficial ones, or go see the dragon races.

The dinosaur races, sorry. I can think of no place where we would be able to blend in with the crowd more. You just want to have fun, don't you? I don't particularly like blood sports, but surely you can see the logic in what I'm saying. Can we get drinks, though? We could, yes. Let's go watch some dragon races, then.

Dinosaur races? Yeah, that's what I said. Fine. And if it goes pear-shaped, you get to say, I told you so, once. It's going to be so worth it. I'll pretend I won't hear. Why would you give me something and rip it away from me instantly? How long have you known me for? I don't think I'll ever know you long hear. Why would you give me something and rip it away from me instantly? How long have you known me for?

I don't think I'll ever know you long enough. Must be. I'll give you that. So the old city is, well, obviously it's the oldest part of the city. Three ancient vine-covered ziggurats tower above this crumbling ward. The whole district is a juxtaposition of ancient and decaying, but still occupied stone structures interspersed with

flimsy new huts and long houses of bamboo and thatch. The old city is run by beggar princes in a mocking parallel to the merchant princes of the city proper. They have no official authority, but each of them sits atop a web of debts,

favors, incriminating information, and loyal muscle that allows them to get things done with an efficiency that the merchant princes sometimes envy. The well-built Hilt is fucking great. Yeah, this is great. The old city is run down, but it isn't a slum or a haven for thieves. And here you can see the beginning of the uh dinosaur races you can find in abundance a drink called tej tej is an amber colored fermented drink made from honey it's a similar to a beer basically comparable so it's like a mead yeah honey similar to it's made slightly differently so you wouldn't really call it a mead.

Honey beer. Also, I'm still disguised as my younger self. That lasts for an hour, I believe. How long did it take us to get here? Not an hour, but I'm just telling you. You know, I know. A mug of tedge costs four copper. A gallon would set you back two silver.

Oh, I'm buying a gallon. I've got so much money. Okay. You buy a gallon. I've got so much money. Okay. You buy a gallon. The cask is stamped with the symbol of the merchant prince, Kweothi. Hmm. All right. I'm going to sit back and... If you want, you can put a wager on the dinosaur racing.

I just think it's better if we keep a low profile. There's Big Honker, a crowd-pleasing young Tyrannosaurus rex. Big Honker? Adam, you can't do that. Ubtow's favorite, a young Triceratops on a streak. There's Banana Candy, a well-trained Hadrosaurus. There's Bone Cruncher, a young ill-tempered Allosaurus. There's Grung Stomper, a young ill-tempered allosaurus there's grung stomper a young ankylosaurus there's scar back a young tyrannosaurus rex on its last race oh man there's nasty boy an allosaurus with a

famous trainer there's jungle princess a dinosaur dinosaur with a frightening jockey. Or with a frightened jockey, sorry. And there's Mountain Thunder, an aging dimeradron. Dimetrodon? Dimetrodon, yes, thank you. I would like to put. I don't think we should. I would like to put.

Don't, please don't. I will buy you another gallon of beer, please. Don't. I will buy you another gallon of beer, please. Don't. I'd like to put five gold on each of banana candy, big honker, and scar back. We're at a dinosaur race. What do you think we're going to do?

Sit around and think about our feelings? Horns don't look so worried. It just doesn't seem like a good idea at all. We're trying not to draw attention to ourselves. It's just 24 hours we have to keep alive and do nothing else. Dragon Bay put some money on Scarback. Could you imagine coming to a gambling event and not spending any money? What's a better way to blend in? Watching the dinosaur race.

Blask of Wine is looking at each of the dinosaurs very intently. You can tell that he's just trying to determine who he wants to bet on. Oh, my God. I give you five gold. That one. He says, pointing at banana candy. We've got 24 hours. We're trying to fit in. Here's five gold. Bet on a dinosaur. He's got an itchy

leg. He will run fast. Okay, flask. When I get an itchy leg I run fast. I'll put five gold on nasty boy. That's the spirit. Would you like a drink? You didn't grab that gallon to shit? Sure, I'll grab a drink.

No, from the gallon. I'm not going to drink an entire gallon on my own. That's what I thought. Yes, I'll have a drink. This is the last race of the day. There are three races every day. The first race is for four-legged dinosaurs. The second race is for four-legged dinosaurs. The second race is for two-legged dinosaurs.

The third race is called the unchained race. Oh, yes. Any dinosaur may compete and fighting is allowed. We've come for the good one, Owens. Well, that's good. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. From like a burst of fire from the starting line triggers every single dinosaur. They're off.

They start sprinting at incredible pace. I spent 20 gold. I love it. So much money. Do they have odds, Adam? Yeah, they have odds. Oh, my God. What do I win if any of the ones I put money on get up?

If Banana Candy wins, you get your wager divided by three back on top of your regular plus your wager. Yep. If Big Honker wins, you get your wager plus your wager divided by seven. So you won't earn a lot on Big Honker. And if Scarback wins, you get your wager plus double your wager. Oh, yeah. That's good money on Scalback. What about Nasty Boy?

Nasty Boy is your wager times three. Imagine if I won gold. Then I'd be rich, but I would give it. You're already rich. You're a fan. You can also make other sorts of. Oh, sorry. Actually, before the race starts, you can make other types of bets.

So you can bet on literally anything. You can bet that one... You can bet a dinosaur will die. You can bet... I'm putting money on the frightened jockey falling off. Ten silver. Ten silver on the frightened jockey falling off? Yeah.

Anything else? You can bet on literally anything. Bookies will take odds. Bookies will make up odds for anything. Can I bet that I'll punch someone and then punch someone? Only in the race, unfortunately. I see. Right.

I'm done. You won't have any more bets. I'm okay. Surely this is enough to keep me covered. Right. All right. While watching the race, Adam, I'm also going to write a letter. Okay.

To who? So in the beginning. What are you writing? What honker has the clear lead he's crowd pleasing and people like him in the second leg of the race you lose sight of them but you hear this like an announcer and you're hearing from the announcer that Big Honker is now falling back and Banana Candy has taken a lead. Let's go, Banana Candy. You still can't see them. They haven't come back. They won't come back till the last couple portions of the race.

Highs or lows? Highs. In this third portion of the race, Banana Candy continues to keep his lead but doesn't gain anything extra. He's just barely keeping the lead. Where's Big Nasty? Yeah, where's Big Nasty at? Big Nasty hasn't been- Wait, Nasty Boy.

Big Nasty's a rapper. Nasty Boy is currently in sixth place. Banana Candy falls back, and Oobtow's favorite is now winning. That's a lazy, boring shit name for a time zone. Heise. Fourth leg of the race. There are two legs. This is the last part where you won't be seeing them.

On the fourth leg of the race, oh, Grungstomper takes the lead. Grungstomper, who was in third pretty consistently until now, takes the lead. And Heise. Lose. They're making in the final stretch now. pretty consistently until now, takes the lead. And how's the lows? Lows. They're making in the final stretch now. You can see them kind of like curving around

and turning down along the city wall. They're sprinting straight towards you. Once they pass through the two ziggurats right before the gate, that's basically the finish line. Here we go. Game on. On this final straight, Grungstomper still has the lead,

but Big Honker is right behind. Grungstomper falls back, and Big Honker takes the lead. Go, Big Honker. Highs or lows? Highs. Jungle Princess's jockey falls off. You win that bet. Yes!

That's so good. Oh, no. Nasty Boy wins. Nasty Boy in the final stretch. Nasty Boy has been saving it all for last. With nothing left in the tank, Nasty Boy destroys Ubtar's favorite, Big Honker, Banana Candy, Grungback, and Bone Cruncher to claim first in the last 50 feet of the race.

You just won. Hold on, Hans. Thank you. Nasty Boy wins You get back You spent five gold You get back twenty So you made a profit of fifteen gold

Cool, well I'll take the fifteen gold And I give Pop back his five What's that for? I borrowed it You won I give it back to you Oh, okay, thank you And I finish my letter

Wait, is that your handwriting? What's wrong with my handwriting? Nothing. What, you've never seen good penmanship before, aren't you? Fancy, posh lady. Yeah, no, I've seen it so much, but while I'm travelling, who taught you to write like that? I grew up writing like this. Everyone

I grew up with writes like this. Are you nobility? Am I nobility? Do I Are you nobility? Am I nobility? Do I look like nobility? That's why it's surprising. Why do you write like that? I'm not nobility. I learned it as a kid.

Every kid where I grew up learned how to write like this. Where did you grow up? A proper place. A proper place? What? Where? Raised by a church. You learn how to do things like this.

You were raised by a church? Yes. There's enough questions. We're moving on. But it... This letter, Adam, that I have written. Yeah. You'll have seen it too, I guess, because you were looking at it,

is to Shago's mum. I'm going to get her name again. Just call it some civil unrest because I can. Xanthi deals in gems, jewelry, cloth, and armor. Cool. I write a letter to Xanthi that just says, just a heads up, she tried to kill your son. That's all it says.

I assume Xanthi will know who I'm talking about. You're going to try and send it to her anonymously? Yes. Interesting. She's not going to think it's me. The handwriting's too nice. Yeah. No one would think it was you. The handwriting's too nice. Yeah. No one would think it was you.

Why are you so surprised that I've got nice handwriting? As I said, I've been so many places, and the only people I know who have handwriting this good are people in nobility. I know some fancy people. You're a fancy person. I'm not a fancy person. You're not a fancy person. This is why this is so surprising.

Why are you so surprised that I'm surprised? This is weird. It's not that weird. It's my handwriting. Flask. Flask of Wine and Otis Simber are arm in arm, stumbling around, quite drunk. Flask of Wine is leading Otis Simber through a tabaxi drinking song. Kitty, kitty, little bright.

Kitty, kitty, it's all night. Kitty, kitty, eat it up. Kitty, kitty, it was lunch. Otis Simber and Flosk of Wine collapse into giggles. Alright, I go to Quasha, because he seems moderately sober.

I didn't get tanked either. I was just drinking, you know. Cool, cool, cool. That's okay. Quasha. Yes. You're a learned man. A bit, yeah.

Is my handwriting weird? Quasha maybe does laugh a little bit at the question. Your handwriting is exquisite. Thank you. Quasha, this isn't rude if you are honest, but that's strange, isn't it? It's not usual, I would suppose, but it's not unusual either. A person can teach themselves to draw nice if they want. Usually they would have a reason to do so, though.

That's it. What's your reason? It's the way I was taught to write as a child. Why did they teach you like that? Because that's the proper way to write. It is a nice way of writing. If you are writing a letter to someone, it is proper to use nice

cursive handwriting. Surely you learned the same thing at some finishing school. Flask. Yes? Never mind. Surely you've been through the same protocols, learning how to write nicely with your handwriting

Yes Still What kind of church did you get raised in? Really don't want to get into it They're a Church of good handwriting Stuff Right, one question

Just because I've had a beer, you've had a win And I'm feeling a little bit generous because we're almost going to be out of this Fucking town, you get one question just because i've had a beer you've had a win and i'm feeling a little bit generous because we're almost gonna be out of this fucking town you get one question and i'll answer it one what's the name of the church you were raised in gregory bones you know that god gregory bones lawful good worshipped equally by the gentry and the common folk he is considered a god of etiquette although it is is disputed often, many claim him to be the first king of the halfling nation, though he himself was not a halfling. Gregory asks his followers to cook light, delicious meals for their guests, regardless of how polite those guests might be. He is depicted as either a gentleman warrior or a handsome king, god of kindness.

Gregory Bones. Gregory B kindness. Gregory Bones. Gregory Bones. Gregory Bones. Did I stutter? I have good handwriting because I was raised by the church of Gregory Bones. I will never know enough about you for anything to make sense. That's the way I like it. You are right now in like an open air bar drinking and maybe having like some food and stuff like that it's

revelry that's happening after the the dinosaur races the sun is low in the sky maybe setting actually things are getting a little dark around here flask of wine stands up from your joint table and says i want milk simba stands up next to him and says, he wants milk. Jesus Christ. Can I get some milk for my tabaxi friend? Dragon Bait's sitting in his chair. He can laugh. He laughs heartily like that.

What does he smell like? Lemon. Pleasure. He's happy. Is it working to order someone milk at this place? You could ask. Can we please get some milk? It'll be three copper, but you can get a bit of milk.

Thanks. I'll pay for it. I'm rich now. A small bowl of milk is brought out for a flask of wine. Who starts lapping at it? He purrs. Oi, barkeep. Yes?

Can you make an Aquan Slam dunk? Up or over? Always over. You have brought an Aquan Slam dunk. Up. No, over. Sorry, you asked over. Always over.

I don't know what that means. Do you want one? I'll smell yours. Smell good? Smells of sea salt. No, thank you. All right, so yourself. I drank my Aquan Slam Dunk.

I get slam drunk. It was all right. It's a nice drink. That's good. It's not bad. Not bad. What? Is it getting late?

It's nighttime. People have put out torches. We should probably find somewhere safe to rest for the night. We're in a tavern, I'm assuming. This is a bar, but not a tavern. You know where we could stay, then, aren't we? Where? Lady Ware's place.

Where? So I wasn't wrong. I've got a few drinks in me. Okay, we're a bit silly. And now, a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&D's for nerds is great, but if you've ever wished that they'd just be honest with how sad they truly are, then good news.

Our podcast, Why Am I Sad, might just be what you need. Join Cass, Samet, Ruby, and comedian George DeMorellis as they try and figure out why they're sad and give the best advice people with zero professional training can give. Go to sanspantsradio.com, search Why why am i sad and remember to always take care of yourself yeah let's go let's go all right let's go i rally the troops as it were you head to wakanga's place on the way there oh maybe before you go there actually wakanga is not going to have enough room for all of you. I'll sleep on the floor.

I've got blankets. It's okay. I don't need a bed. I'm a total. When you get to Wakanga's house, he opens his doors to you and allows you all to stay the night if you want. Lady Ware is still here as well. She and Wakanga will probably share a room for the night. Hello.

Lady Ware greets you very graciously. Well, you probably catch up, of course. Big hug. Do you hold back any information? I don't tell them we got Vaughn. But I do tell them we're working on getting, I reckon we can tell them that we're getting options to get closer to the Soulmonger and destroy it.

Yeah. Just avoid the topic of Vaughn altogether. Mm-hmm. Do you talk about how you sent that letter? How I sent that letter. Yeah. Just avoid the topic of Vaughn altogether. Mm-hmm. Do you talk about how you sent that letter? How I sent that letter? Yeah. I don't know about it. What do you think, Adam?

No way. All right, you don't mention that? No. Well, if you speak about stealing a map from Jobal, Wakanga shakes his head. I do not think he will have this map, yeah? Oh, well, that's all right. I've heard him looking on the uh around town yeah he

is aware of you and your mission and your lack of any official documentation yeah he's not happy with you but i don't think he's done anything to hurt you yet, at least. I think because the map that Lady Ware gave you, he gestures to the map that you have, he wants that map. It would appear that Lady Ware, with her infinite monies, well, not infinite, Lady Ware, chuckles, they seem to have gotten quite close while you guys were in the jungle. Just going to go in on Liam. They fucking... No, we're bringing back her husband.

He quite wants your map, yeah? So I think he is plotting how to take the map from you, yeah? That's cool. I'll break his fingers, so good luck to him. Good luck to you yeah he has the backing of the flaming fist mercenaries yeah right and i've got the backing of my flaming fists wakanga looks at you wakanga wakanga gives a look where he's clearly like he wants to caution you but you're not listening so there's no point point to it. So he just drops the matter.

This is a rare thing for me to say, yeah, but I would say that you are probably safer in the jungles. Well, then. That doesn't bode well for us at all. We just have to last the night. Tomorrow we go see that mate, and then we get the hell out of here. We've got a ship. We're good to go. We're good to leave. We just need one last the night. Tomorrow we go see that mate and then we get the hell out of here. We've got a ship. We're good to go.

We're good to leave. We just need one night of peace. I can give you that here, yeah? Where are you going to take this ship? We're looking for the, you know, pretty stock standard lost city of Oumu. Oumu. Oumu. I've had beer and an Aquan Slam Dunk.

Over as well. Over, yeah. Of all the ways you could have it. If I'd had it up, I'd probably be okay, but I'm a bit tipsy because I had it over. If I had it too, I'd be asleep. Over food, you begin to learn that Arda Simba and Wakanga kind of already know each other and are talking.

Every now and then they have private side conversations. Arda Simba's still drunk or is he sobered up? No, he's sobered up a bit. Is Flask still drunk? Flask is still plastered. He's flasked. Flask's out of his fucking mind drunk. He is what he is.

A flask of wine. A flask of wine. Oh, boy. Wait, how do you two know one another? We are both members of an organization, yeah? Makes us friends That seems vague Artisembre looks at you

We're part of a group called the Harpers The what? Have either of us heard of that, Adam? No, neither of you have Not fair The Flaming Fists, the Zentararam uh the red wizards of they all these organizations vying for power fighting with each other not any of them concerned with the good of the people you understand yes the harpers are a secretive organization of like-minded individuals who are

sick and tired of the powerful and the wealthy and those who have lording it over the have-nots and um basically making a nuisance of themselves the harpers are an organization dedicated to secretly working behind the scenes to try and ensure that we all live in a better tomorrow well it sounds positive it's a noble wish cause i suppose yes well i like to think so my wife was a member as well and wakanga is a member of course as well wait a minute how long have you known wakanga uh neither of us have known each other for very long i suppose less than you've known Wakanga. I met him properly for the first time today.

We just are members of the same society. Right. I just thought, is Wakanga also immortal? Yeah. No, Wakanga is not immortal. He walks around like he fears death. Actually, there might be, speaking of the Harpers, the reason I tell you this is that we might have another job to do, potentially, now that we have a ship. What job?

What job? So, he didn't mention it the last time we saw us, but Zindar, the harbormaster, also has a contract out for a group of pirates. I don't care too much for the gold reward, but it is substantial. 2,000 gold for each pirate ship that we can capture, and 500 gold for the capture of each pirate captain. So that's three ships. Each ship is worth 2,000 gold if we can bring it back into Port Nyanzaru, and each pirate captain aboard the ship is worth an extra 500 gold.

That is a very big reward. That's a very big reward. But we don't – I feel like time is of the essence. What's Lady Weir paying me? What is Lady Weir paying me? Lady Weir has just promised a large sum of money. You could kind of negotiate. You're in a very powerful position because

she's quite desperate i feel like i would have highballed her like i would have what would your highball have been i have no idea a lot of money out of we could say like well what would you think before you went into chult the first time what would your character have assumed a fair amount to be? Probably the equivalent of all those pirate ships. You know what? Actually, enough money to build a new wing in the museum. Yeah, that's what you were aiming for, wasn't it? We might count that as 5,000 gold. Yeah, and some left over, obviously.

6,000. You would have hired Waldo, so let's say you asked for 8,000 gold, and she said yes. And now I'm sitting here going, I could left over, obviously. Yeah, 6,000. So you would have high boulders. So let's say you asked for 8,000 gold and she said yes. And now I'm sitting here going, I could have asked for 12. This is not something that we need to do. It's just something that is worth a lot of money, which would be quite useful to you, if I understand right. I don't know. She's from a royal family.

It's not royal, it's noble. It's different. Right, right. How long would it take? I think it's the sort of thing we should consult Zindar and our captain with. We haven't met our captain yet, have we? No, we have not. We'll do that.

Look, how about we think, we peg it for the night, we think about it, and maybe if it's on the way, if it's part of our continued journey, we find ourselves facing down pirate ships, we make the decision then. I think that's a good idea. And maybe it's something we do on the way back. Sure. All right then. I reckon we might call that a night.

Unless anyone else has any objections. No, I think it's been a big day. I go to bed. After saying good night to everyone giving lady wear a hug obviously we're still sharing a room a lot of people will be sharing rooms everyone's going to be sharing a room yes i can't see you don't worry i'm in my shell but say good night before i go into it oh good night wherever you are everyone kips in for the night oh by the way i forgot sorry um pop just before we move too far from it you did lose 15 gold on the individual dinosaurs you bet on yeah but you

got for your 10 silver bet on uh the jockey falling you earned 10 gold back. Hey! Must pay that money! So in total, you've lost 4 gold. No, no, no. I gained 10 out of it. It's a dangerous way of looking at it, but all right. Yeah, it's not good. And the next morning, you get up for the first dragon race of the day. You've got a system.

I've got to chase that money. Pop just becomes a gambling addict. Gosh. Do we get any experience for betting on a race no you don't get experience betting on a race so close to a new level we are we just started a bar fight oh then we would have gotten stronger we want to know his entire i'll kill him yeah then we'll get strong the next day when you get up organization for you to leave begins to happen quasha flask and maybe dragon bait dragon bait kind of knows some things that he's going to need so he needs to come along because he can't communicate them otherwise so quasha flask

of wine and dragon bait go off to get gather supplies for your trip. So it's you, Artis, Simber, and Koopa Louie. Am I going back to the temple? You're going back to the temple, yes. Okay. On your way back to the temple. Oh, I've got my spells back. Yes. Oh, yay.

We're all so healthy and full of life. I'm also full of health. Don't worry, I'm not rolling. You are, though. No, I'm not. I can hear him. Pay attention to me. I know he's doing it.

Tiffany, you notice that three sharp-shot mercenaries have been following you since Wakunga's house. It's three different mercenaries, but what will happen is one of them will follow you, then he'll turn down a side street, and another one will start following you. He'll follow you for a little he'll turn down a side street and another one will start following you. He'll follow you for a little bit, turn down a side street, and another one will start following you.

Then they mix it up, so they're very clever about it. Sometimes two of them will be following you. Sometimes all three of them are following you. But they do it very cleverly so that you are the only person in the group who notices that you are being tailed. But, Tiffany, you are well aware of how to tail someone without being seen. And you can tell that they are definitely following you. Sharp-shot mercenaries are dangerous like this.

Because you're aware of them. So long as the idea with the sharpshot mercenary is that they are kind of like skirmishers. So they'll try to keep a distance or only light combat or engage only in light combat. But if they can get the drop on you, it doesn't really matter. You'll be shot full of arrows before you can even respond anyway. So I'm guessing they're tailing from far enough behind

that if I whisper to my friends, they won't hear me? Not really, actually. They're doing a very good job of getting close. If you said anything, there's a chance they might hear it. Okay. Am I able to just subtly draw my rapier? You can't subtly draw a rapier. You can't subtly draw a rapier.

They can hear any spells they do. Can I speak infernal? It's probably not worth the risk. But then we let them know we have the drop. What being follow? What are you saying? Sharp shot shooters. Sharp shot what?

Sharp shots. Three of them. Oh, I don't know. No sharp shots. I've never three of them oh i don't know no sharp shots i never heard of them have i heard of a sharp shot you don't know the sharp shot companions are they bad you turn a corner i like that you're whispering like i'll give you a bonus for that you turn a corner and a woman approaches you at high speed wrapped around her shoulders she has a pseudo dragon i got a picture of her here oh yep hello zandala papa she calls out at artist simber papa are you fucking kidding me papa the ring i need the ring she gestures out with her hand. Artis Sember grabs the ring, pulls it off without saying anything, and deposits it into her hand. What the fuck?

Who is that? Both of you looking at Artis Sember. Pop, you're just confused. You have the response you have just now. Tiffany, you can see that Artis Sember has been bewitched. His mind is being dominated. I draw my rapier on the girl. She begins to retreat, and as she does so, you hear the pull of arrows behind you.

Let's go to initiative. Pop, you're first. What are you doing? How far away is the girl? 15 feet. She's not far from you. I'm going to go for her. You get off your four actions at her.

Let's-a-go. Hey, you can run real normal fast now, yeah? No, my leg's fucked permanently. He's at his normal speed for the first round, yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the bonus puts me back to normal. Your first attack deals a slightly boosted seven points of damage. We need her legs to try to bring her down.

You slash at her legs. Your second attack, she jumps underneath, but then she cops a blow from the hammer, taking a further eight points of damage, and then another time from the sickle, taking another eight points of damage. Oh, no. Is he going to attack us because we're attacking his daughter?

And then it is Kipa Louie's turn. He's weak as piss. He is weak as piss. Piss weak. He's piss weak. He's so weak without his ring. Kipa Louie isn't really sure what to do, but he charges at the woman attacking whatever

pop is attacking. Thanks, Cooper Louie. He strikes her twice, once spearing her in the gut, dealing six points of damage, and the second attack is a critical hit. Oh, man. I love Cooper Louie. Remember when we didn't have him for a little bit? That was insane.

And then we get him back. Uh-huh. And then, like, Quash is there as well, and he's just fucking useless. He's a vessel for Koopa Louie. Palm piercer. Double damage, and she is unable to cast spells with a somatic component

for two rounds. She can't use the ring? She's got to attune to it first, which takes an hour at least. So she's not going to be using it in this fight anyway. She takes 14 points of damage from that second blow, and it pierces her hand. Koopa Louie turns the spear and destroys her hand. Got that fake door.

Actually, I have no idea if she's a fake door or not, because I don't know if he's bewitched. I'm just like, what are you doing? You took the ring and ran away. Art of Simba wheels on you, Tiffany, and attacks you. I knew this would happen. Oh, my God. Oh, no, it can't be.

It can't be that same we saw because Dragon Bait's not with us. Phew. So the future doesn't happen. We're not getting married no don't even bring it up there's no point bad we shouldn't think about it it's insane how that woman lied to us all those times yep and had a gangrenous suit uh frankenstein he stabs you in the chest without any saying anything or barely even responding he stabs you in the chest, Tiffany, and looks around at you, and you can see that his eyes are, like, slightly glazed over. There's nothing happening in his mind.

He draws the dagger out, grabs you by the shirt, stabs you in the nose, draws his dagger out, and stabs you in the shoulder. You take 22 points of damage. Holy shit, I thought he was weak as piss. Why has he never been good in any fights we've had? dagger out and stabs you in the shoulder. You take 22 points of damage. Holy shit. I thought he was weak as Pierce. Why has he never been good in any fights we've had?

I mean, he did almost single-handedly kill the Deathlock, but. And the troll. Yeah, okay. He's quite strong. But no, he's only strong with a ring. I've never seen him use a knife ever. He uses a bow and he often misses. Oh my gosh. Yeah, he's really not, you know, playing to his strengths.

The sharp shot mercenaries, you hear the twangs of their bows. Shit. One of them fires a Tiffany. Oh no. You're struck in the back by two arrows fired simultaneously. A sharp shot companion trick you've seen a thousand times before if it was unable to stop you take 15 points of damage okay artist simba is opened up for another attack on you he stabs you again tiffany dealing another eight points of damage you're on 11 hit points how did he get to

attack twice it's the critical hit that the sharpshot got. Oh my god. The second sharpshot mercenary fires at you. Critical hit. No. I don't think it is, Adam. I think it's a critical no. Shot through the heart. Make a

DC 18 con saving throw. On a failed save, lose a quarter of your maximum hit points again at the end of your turn for three rounds you will lose 75%

if you fail this con saving throw you lose 75% of your health guaranteed on top of whatever damage you're about to take I can cash in a card for a reroll can't I yeah if you want. Yeah, I'll do that when I see if I pass this saving throw. All right. You will take only eight points of damage from the attack itself.

That's good. And then you fail that saving throw. Don't add them. I do it again. You still fail that saving throw. Don't add him. I do it again. You still fail that saving throw. Fuck. Advantage on a saving throw? Sure.

Thanks, Cass. Still fail. Oh my god. What did I need to roll? You rolled a six, you re-rolled and got a three, you rolled at advantage, and the extra die was a one. For the next three rounds, at advantage and the extra die was a one for the next three rounds at the end of your turns you lose 22 hit points for the next three rounds at the end of every round yeah at the end of every one of your rounds and that'll leave me with 11 hit points if

i don't take any other damage and then the final sharp shot companion fires at cooper louis oh good luck he misses exactly cooper louis a hero that's fine that's crazy two crits and a four god that's insane all right that was their turn tiffany it's your turn i'm going to cast sleep is it possible for me to capture artisimba as well as the attacker who just attacked me um yes it is. Cool. Fuck. Can I get anyone else in there? No, the Sharpshot Mercenaries are at the beginning of this alleyway.

Yeah, that's fair enough. Well, I just go for those two. Are you casting it as a second level spell? Oh, yeah, sure. Will that help? Probably, yeah. Nothing happens. You cast a net of sleep over Artisimber and this mysterious woman,

and nothing happens. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. But I've got my ladybug love stone. That helps you. They pass the saving throw. Yeah, that helps you with saving throws. Look, if you want, Tiffany, because I'm chalking this up to just inexperience

with the game sleep is not made for two high powered enemies it's made for a bunch of weak enemies so it doesn't require a high roll to avoid it there's no role to avoid it she just rolls and it's that many hit a hit points but because both of these enemies have a lot of hit points, it didn't affect them. So is it meant to... It's meant to... If you're fighting a bunch of goblins or a bunch of weak enemies, then you're meant to use it.

But the mechanics of the spell, what needs to happen? So on a first level version, you roll 5d8, total that, and then that's the hit points that you can affect, that you can put to sleep. Oh, okay. So can we quickly roll it now? It's not a saving throw at all. No, it's not a saving throw.

If you roll 21, you can affect something with 21 hit points, but if it's got more than that, it doesn't affect them. Yeah. There's no saving throw involved at any point. I thought it was a saving throw. I just assume all spells are saving throws. Yeah affect them. Yeah. There's no saving throw involved at any point. I thought it was a saving throw. I just assume all spells are saving throws. Yeah, same. Whoops.

It was like someone had explained that to us at the start of the game. Knowledge of your spells is your problem? I mean, yeah, look, it is. I'll let you take that back because you didn't know. I did not. If I use it on one person, does that make it twice as likely? No, it's in an area. That's not how it works.

Okay. Does Ray of Sickness work in the same way? No, it does not. Ray of Sickness deals damage. 3d8 damage if you cast it at a second level, and 2d8 if you cast it at a first level. Okay. I'm just going to use Witch Bolt.

I'm just going to let you know as well. So you have magic, which helps you in certain situations. But what you really are good at is that sneak attack damage. You are a rogue, not a spellcaster. Yes, yes. You're a rogue first, then a spellcaster. So Witch Bolt, if you cast it at a second level, if you hit, you'll do 2d12 damage and that's it.

if you cast it at a second level, if you hit, you'll do 2d12 damage and that's it. But if you attack someone that Koopa Louie and Popper fighting, like this lady, you will do a d8 plus 3d6 plus your dexterity of 4 if you hit. And if you use Green Flame Blade, which is a cantrip that you can use whenever, you do an extra D8 damage, and if there's an enemy adjacent,

they will take a D8 damage as well. Okay, so that seems like the option I want to go with. Yes. Adam, since I am a rogue and not much of a spellcaster, although I have the tools and the means, I think I'm just going to Green Flame Blade my rapier and attack this lady. All right.

That's a really inspired choice, Cass. Thanks. I'm really good at making my own decisions based on knowledge I have. Normally I wouldn't bother too much with this because it's funny. It must kill you to watch me do this. Be like, cool, witch bolt. And you're just like, oh, Jesus, she doesn't know. But in this specific instance,

I think it's great if you did this specific type of attack. You hit. Oh, wow. You will do 24 points of damage to her. And Koopa Louie and I also did a fairly big chunk. This is good. This is good. I'll remember this.

Cool. Oh, Cass, you didn't know. It's not your fault She's nearly dead It's you and Zephyr Strike I've had that attack the entire time I've used it once And I've died three times

Alright, thankfully she gets a turn Before you guys kill her Why? Why is that good? It makes me laugh It's easier to cut off a finger Than to pull it off. You know, it brings it really hard to get off someone else. Yeah.

All right. She doesn't have it on, does she? She's just holding it. She backs up. She casts two spells. Yeah. Spells are bad. Do they use her hands, though?

Because we fucked her hands up. She did fuck her hands up. What's the percentage to fuck up on that? Or can she just not? She can't do semantic. She gets a disadvantage for like four turns, I think. I don't think she gets disadvantage. She can't cast spells with semantic

components. She just can't. So I gotta quickly look up to see what she can actually do now. God, you guys are lucky, by the way, because fucking she was about to wreck your shit. Ha ha ha. Good thing we wrecked her shit first.

I'm going to wreck her shit. Shit wrecked. Ha ha. You got shit wrecked. Hey. The mystery woman cannot hurt you. So instead, she uses a bonus action to cast Misty Step, where she teleports 30 feet away from you in a cloud of mist. And then she runs 60 feet away from you. So she's 90 feet away from you in a cloud of mist, and then she runs 60 feet away from you,

so she's 90 feet away from combat now. Hmm. Who is this strange woman? And will our heroes ever catch her to find out? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chult. Thanks for listening. be plagued chomps. Hey there, fellow adventurer. If you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content, we have just what you need to scratch that itch.

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