D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #7 Ataaz Muhahah

Episode Date: March 28, 2020

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Sounds about as radio. I'm shaking a cat to try and get it to meow. Welcome to Season 2, Episode 7 of Zombie Plagued Cholt. Premiumly. Crunches Koopalooey against the deck of the ship. His axe drags Koopalooey along the deck and green ichor is left behind. All right, Tiffany, what are you doing? Is there any chance that I can pull Koopalooie off the edge of the axe?

You could scoop Koopalooie up, yeah. I would love to do that. That'll be your action. Yes. You spend your turn scooping Koop... No, sorry. Koopalooie-ing. You spend your turn Koopalooie-ing.

And then you hear somewhere behind you Artisimba reply with pleasure. Ah, friends again. Wow. Yes. As the brazen Pegasus passes you by, you all jump back onto the brazen Pegasus and watch as this other frost giant ship sinks into the water. Nangalore is potentially a dangerous place. Not sure. Don't know a lot about it.

Not many people go there and come back. Sunday night tells the story. Once there was a race of seafaring to Baxi. Blast of wine. He's sitting with his back to the fire, staring up in the exact same direction that you were looking. Otis, do you see those black spindly

things? Uh, yes. It's the ruins of Mesro. It must be really hard to be so close and not be able to go back. Very close, yes. But so incredibly far at the same time. The sun rises on the brazen Pegasus sailing down Kitcher's Inlet.

Over the course of a day, you pass by Mesro. You can see it a little bit better in the daylight now that you're also closer, but you can really only see, because of the cliff face, you can only see kind of like the tips of parapets and the tops of towers, but it all looks dilapidated. It's a destroyed and broken city. Ah.

I pat Arta Simba on the back. It's an illusion or some sort of deception of sorts. That's not Mesro. It's just a skeleton left behind to confuse their attackers. Mesro is somewhere else now. What do you mean, Mesro is somewhere else? The city, it was transported somewhere else. It will only return once our mission is complete.

Right. That was my message from the sage at Orlunga. Right. Fair enough. Well, I suppose we all have a very good reason to complete this mission then. Yes. I kill Raz in the sea, and I can get my beloved back, and Mesro returns. It was quite a city back in the day, I assure you.

I've heard. Oh, no. I was about to say a day or so passes uneventfully, but it doesn't. Not necessarily. Not necessarily. Not necessarily. Well, let's see what event we have. Do you want to just realize, just as I was thinking there,

so Arthas is helping us because he wants to get his beloved back dragon bait's helping us because artists yeah kubalu and kwasha are helping us because we're helping them kill the undead which is a noble cause you're doing this because you want to bring both uncle dick and your dad back unky dick but yes sorry unky dick and your dad back yeahask of wine, we're paying him. So that's whatever. I have no noble cause for doing this. Your noble cause is museum stuffing. But also I'm getting paid a lot.

Yeah, but we don't know that. Well, you do. Oh. You would know that Lady Weir would be paying me a fair bit to do this. I know we're being paid, but I guess I never really considered that that was a main motivation because mine is for payment. So, like, that'll help me get dad back. I assume you have a reason for wanting so much money. Yes.

I mean, honestly, I assume the money will be going straight to a museum and developing archaeological findings. Probably. Do you all know what a Dimetrodon is? Is it a sailback dinosaur? Wait, no. Dimetrodon. Is it a lizard with a big sail down its back? Yes.

Yes, thank you. Oh, I had a toy of him. Six Dimetrodons are sunning themselves by the river. There's no sun you see every day. As you sail past. That is your event. Oh, well, that's all right then. That's so lovely.

No punching. What are their sails doing? Their sails are just, like, flowing gently in the breeze. Gorgeous. Yeah, on their masts. They set sail. Their cannons erupt along their sides. Oh, no, it is an encounter of that nature.

They're actually pirates. I cast Wall of Wind on the six sails. Oh, no, it is an encounter of that nature. They're actually pirates. I cast Wall of Wind on the six sails. Blow them in another direction. They all crashed. We got you now. We got your weakness. Wind.

You continue onwards, leaving the Demetrodons in the past. As you approach, what was it called? Taz, mwahaha. Again, maybe it's mwahaha. No, that's the wrong pronunciation, Tom, you idiot. Taz, mwahaha. Is it like a bit of a ruin, Adam? Like a bit of a fixer-upper? A bit of a fixer-upper, a bit of a ruin, Adam? Like a bit of a fixer-upper? A bit of a fixer-upper, a bit of a ruin, maybe a bit of a place to explore.

There is a bridge here, so there's a man-made structure of sorts. As you approach Atazmohahaha, maybe the first mate, Grig, points at the bridge and says, ah, the monkey bridge. Monkey bridge. Yes. It's, it got its name from the monkeys that perch on its walls and hang by their tails from its underside. Sure enough, as

you get closer, you see monkeys all over the bridge. Is there anywhere, like, cool to explore near a tazmahahaha? We could get out and have a look if you want to do. It's getting dark anyway, so we might as well pull up. Alright let's do that then the monkeys are a mix of living monkeys and ancient carvings that are just a part of the bridge you're not sure what came first the monkey carvings or the monkeys ah oh the idea that they did that like thing they do with puffins where

they make little models and then they come and they try and make friends with the little monkeys. Oh, that's made me sad. The gorge here has flattened out some, but it's still quite deep. Because you're in the water, it's a little bit of a climb to get up to either one of the sides. The bridge is also slightly broken. I'm going to go across that bridge and clip-clop across

until a troll comes out. Wait, no. Adam, I don't want to do that. I just remember the trolls exist and are bad. Oh, no. This is in a poem, a nursery poem. What the fuck? Thank you.

My God. What just happened? Oh, no. I forgot a word that is. I forgot the word rhyme. I was trying to say nursery rhyme and then couldn't think of it and just said nursery poem twice in a very panicked way. Oh, boy.

And this whole area is a Tasmahahaha. Yeah, the area is known as a Tasmahahaha or sometimes Laughing Gorge, but no one on this boat will tell you that. That is a secret for just us players tonight. Laughing Gorge, but no one on this boat will tell you that. That is a secret for just us players tonight. Laughing Gorge? Yes. A lot of the carvings of monkeys have been damaged just by age,

but their obvious artistry still shows through. It's quite beautiful, even destroyed like this. Adam, I would like to take out some of my diplomat's supplies from my diplomat's backpack, and I would like to draw out some of my diplomat's supplies from my diplomat's backpack and I would like to draw a picture of these monkey carvings You do a really good job I know As you approach, well as you get really close

and you need to get quite close to realise there was like a deafening cacophony as you were approaching that you realised is the monkeys making noise Now that you're here and you can hear it properly, you're like laughing gorge. The monkeys, they're chattering, sounds like laughter and it does not stop. It has a ha-ha-ha-ha.

So what you're saying is the name of the gorge is actually a Tazmah. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. We can't do monkey noises, Cass. Oh, we don't know we can't. We might just be thinking of a different primate. We are, yeah. Cass and Tom monkeys.

Occasionally, the monkey chattering overlaps, the echoing overlaps in like a perfect way that it actually sounds perfectly like laughing, like an echoing ha-ha-ha-ha-ha through the gorge. Whenever that happens, every monkey falls silent for a moment, and the gorge just becomes deathly, scarily silent. That's terrifying. Eventually, slowly it begins to resume again, as the monkeys are clearly shocked by what just happened.

But it happens so often, I can only assume. Yeah. Yeah, it happens every several minutes. Oh, that is deeply upsetting. Oh, no, sorry. They're quiet for several minutes. Several minutes? It just says occasionally.

Yeah. I'd say maybe once an hour. That's scary. Very unsettling. But I drew a good picture anyway, so I don't care. You're basically at the base of the bridge, and the ship comes to a stop, and you guys can get off if you want. There are symbolic-looking mazes carved prominently into the bridge.

Any of your guides here, so Flask of Wine, Cooper Louis, if he could say anything, and Quasha, will let you know, and sorry, as well, you, Pop. You also mentioned that the maze symbols and the solving of mazes are associated with the ancient worship of Ubtal, the Chaltean god who has many forms. It's the mazes of Ubtal. We've seen them before.

You know, solve a maze, Ubtal loves you, et cetera, et cetera. Ah. Did you want to do this one? Did I want to solve this maze? Yeah. I mean. Can we get to the maze? They're symbolic mazes.

They're not actually mazes to solve. You can see there's several statues along the bridge that you have not really had a chance to look at, but do look kind of interesting. There's a lot of vines hanging underneath the bridge. It's not really shown in this picture, but there are. It says that they're so thick that you can swing from them. Oh, Adam. And the monkeys certainly do.

Adam. Yeah. Can we climb onto the bridge? Yeah, absolutely. From the vines or from either side of the gorge? From the vines. From the vines poses a distinct challenge when you get to the top. You're going to kind of crawl yourself over the lip.

It's just the most, look, it's the fastest and easiest way, but it has the biggest issue if you fall. Adam, I would like to take the fastest and easiest way. All right. Do you want to take anyone with you? I'm going up top. You want to come? Is anyone going to be naturally curious?

You know what? Flask of Wine and Sunday Night are definitely... No, Sunday Night's got a job to do, unfortunately. So Flask of Wine's definitely coming with. Quasha and Koopa Louie come with, I guess. Dragon Bait and Artisimba are staying here. No, as if Artisimba's going to come with me on an adventure. Yeah, I'll come with.

All right. Flask of Wine does not need to make a climb check. As a tabaxi, he has a natural climb speed. He moves just as seamlessly through the vines as the monkeys do. Bless that man. So good. Cooper Louie. You're all right at this, I guess.

Yeah, Cooper Louie's fine. Quasher is fine as well tiffany tiffany's fine yep everyone gets up without yay yeah whereabouts would you have climbed would you have climbed you can't really climb into the center so would you like to be on the western or the eastern end the west the eastern end cast is where the broken bit is and the western end is where the not broken bit is well you're leading this expedition either way you're on the bridge it's just whether we've gone the broken end yeah all right so you climb up onto the broken end of the bridge part of the bridge has fallen away leaving a 20 foot gap the stone at either edge

looks crumbly and unsafe uh you don't stand. I'm assuming, unless you say otherwise, you are not standing anywhere near the edge. No, no, we've, like, climbed up and we're not that dumb, Adam. Okay. Quasha stands near the edge, though. It's a 100-foot drop below. Don't look down. Oh, gosh.

100 foot would be 10d6 damage. I can take that. Yeah, it's, like, maximum 60 damage. You'd live. although you might have to take um massive uh like what is it called great trauma damage or something if you take more than 50 points of damage from one source of the if you take more than 50 damage from one source yep you make a saving throw or you just die because it's just so much damage in one blow. Okay, don't fall.

I forgot mint grinder. Don't fall. It's not mint grinder. Those are just base fucking rules. Oh, no. Okay, whatever. It's not how real life works. I don't know about that.

I don't know about that. People can be in hugely traumatic injuries where one thing causes a large chunk of damage to them and they live. Yeah, and you could live from this, but you might not. Okay, yeah, fair point. I'm just going to get back in my box over here. Actually, no, that is a good question. So if I were to fall off somewhere high and break my arms and legs, actually, no.

Because it would just, like, the thing that would kill me would be, like, if my head got damaged or my spine, right? Not necessarily. What else could kill me? Bleeding. Ah, bleeding, yes. Human body. So I want you to imagine, Cass, have a look at handsome Tom over here. Yes.

I want you to imagine Handsome Tom as this, like just imagine everything within his skin is absolutely required for his functioning. Okay. The human body. If not, I have three hearts. You'll never guess where they are. They're one inside the other, like a Russian doll.

Correct. I have a Russian doll. Correct. I have a babushka heart. Babushka heart. It's a rare condition. Your heart breaks and you're like, that's all right. We got a fresh one inside. Oh, no, they broke the inside one. Oh, no, your heart breaks and then you still have a heart that's functioning.

And it's okay. It's just a bit smaller. Crack your big heart and let the other ones out like an egg. Yeah. Free the hearts. Free range heart. Has's just a bit small. Crack your big heart and let the other ones out like an egg. Yeah. Free the hearts. Free range heart. Hashtag free the heart. All right.

So. Let's look at the statues and explore the bridge. Do you want to approach the, you can tell from here, looking at the giant statue in the center. A stone shrine stands at the midpoint of the bridge. statue in the center a stone shrine stands at the midpoint of the bridge it consists of an imposing statue of a chultun warrior wearing a war mask hunkered down like a panther ready to pounce like the monkeys elsewhere on the bridge the carving is highly symbolized bright gems flash in its eye sockets a human skeleton lies crumpled near the statue's feet. Several of its bones are obviously broken, but it's impossible to tell whether these injuries happened while the person

was alive or were caused by scavengers after death. Who's the statue of, Adam? Do I recognize who that might be? The statue? Oh, it's a shrine to Ubtau. It's one of his many forms. You immediately recognize it as the warrior form. This statue in a different context was what summoned the troll. tend to just be focused around combat, basically. But that doesn't necessarily mean, it could be like anything combat adjacent. It could be another explosive statue, or it could be touching the statue makes you a better warrior. It could be a dozen different things.

You're not sure. There's only one way to find out. Well, that's true. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're on a bridge and we could summon a troll. Yes. Yes, I know, Cass. I would touch the statue.

I really don't think that's a good idea. As you approach, you see a very prominent looking maze kind of in the centre of the statue. It does not look symbolic. This one looks like it's actually one made to be solved. There you go. Different to the last statue of the warrior. There's a maze on this one. That does look better. All right. Okay. There you go. Different to the last statue of the warrior. There's a maze on this one.

That does look better. All right. Okay, have a go. All right, here we go. The maze is covered somewhat with moss and lichen. You'll need to carve it away with a knife if you want to solve it. Yeah, let's go. Use my sickle just to clear it as I go.

What might that do, though? Gosh. Well, I got a bad boy. Oh, fuck. does that go oh what might that do though gosh well i got a bad boy oh fuck oh adam i'd like to use um an ability what do you what do you clean the maze with well i've got my sickle but now i'm worried do you use your sickle oh i have a knife and fork that i have stolen from somewhere can i use one of them i think they're your uh. I think that's part of your, like, prayer thing. I think you use them for prayer. Do you have a cloth or something?

I don't know about touching a statue. Do we have any water? This is where your jar would have come in handy. My what? What about a piton? Python. Like a climbing piton. Yeah, you can use that.

I'll use that. You clear that away? All right. So extra intelligence modifier. Oh, fuck. Am I about to become super dumb? Can I just sort of pull, like, wander back far away from the thing as far as we can go with everyone?

What's as far away as you can go? That would be right now the edge of that crumbly little bridge. I'm sorry that I'm naturally curious, Cass. We go to the edge of the crumbly bit. Hang on. It's insane because it's a DC5. It's made on purpose to be very easy to solve, but you fucked it up. And I don't know what happens if you fuck it up.

Do we just get another go? I think you might. It's going to have another go. How about my punishment is i'm just a bit embarrassed uh let me just find out how much this creature oh man no i'm gonna make you fight this creature if i can wait what uh you traced it wrong it it's angry the statue's alive oh yeah oh yeah no sorry the statue gets up and attacks you you traced it wrong you it does attack you fuck you did however you didn't fall for as the kids

are calling it one of the classic blunders where the moss the lichen if you scrape that away with the hand then the it's a it's a it's a giant stone man a golem if you scrape that away with the hand, then it's a giant stone man, a golem, if you will. If you use your hand to get rid of that, it interprets that as you incorrectly solving the maze. Oh, God. You have to use a tool, which you did correctly use. You used your piton to clean it, but then you failed to solve the maze correctly,

and now the statue is mad. Can I attempt to solve the maze before it attacks me? Yes. On your turn, I'll allow it. Yes. Well, you know you have to beat five. No, Cass. Oh, yeah, no, I did.

Yeah, I got three. Fuck. You just need to roll three, and you're good. Did I get a one? You got a one, yeah. I critically failed. Yeah. It's just the idea that you're like Okay, time to do this maze

And you just like You just straight away accidentally skip over a line You're like, oh no Wait, what was I doing? You just go, oh fuck Just leave it Oh Pop, who would you like to act with?

Tree boy Tree boy, Koopa Louie And Tiffany, who would you like to act with? Floss with wine. The golem leaps into action. You've never seen something so big move so quickly. Incorrect.

His name is Vaughn, and he's on his way here at some point, I guess. Somewhere deep in the jungle. Who's in between you two right now? We have a quick looky look. You know what's in between you two right now we have a quick looky look you know what's in between you two the heart of oobtow oh no it's not it's off to the side there it's just great he just takes out the heart of oobtow oh my god somewhere distantly in the city of mesro in the ancient ruins there i love that inadvertently i am shitting all over artists's memory a tower that has existed for hundreds of years a tower that holds long since forgotten memories and knowledges of

civilizations past a tower that some adventurers only ever dream to find and few ever do, slowly but surely begins to topple faster and faster and faster until it completely collapses, crunching onto the ground. A giant metal stone and wooden man stands atop the tower, sprinting in a line directly down it that's my boy it was in the way and the giant metal and stone and wood man did not care that it was in the way he simply ran into it ran into it again and again and again until it toppled. The tower falls over. It's like never to be seen again.

Amazing. Great. I think one of my favorite things so far in this game have been any time Adam says, deep in the jungle. Pop. Yes. Somewhere behind you, you hear a terrific, a loud, a loud booming sound. You turn around and you, you hear a terrific, loud, booming sound.

You turn around and you feel like in the distance you can dimly make out one of the spindly towers at Mesro slowly fall over. You're transfixed with the sight for a moment until a fist closes itself around the back of your head. Oh, fuck. The golem's mouth opens and gas spills out across your wall. Oh, fuck me. I'm normally a lot better at this than I have been previously right now. You save. Tiffany fails.

Flask of wine fails. Quasha fails. Koask of wine fails. Quasha fails. Koopa Louie passes. It's just me and Koopa Louie. You feel your reflexes slow down to a crawl, and your body feels like it's moving through molasses. Oh, yuck. You cannot use your reactions.

Your speed is halved, and you can't make more than one attack on your turn. In addition, you can only make an action or a bonus action on your turn, not both. It didn't happen to me, though. No, Pop and Koopa Louie are fine. It's your turn, by the way. I would like to attempt to solve the maze again. You successfully begin solving the maze solving the maze is an action that will take you

several rounds depending on your roles fuck well then and i instruct cooper louis to i think i can stop this thing just make sure it doesn't kill me in the meantime cooper louis says yes we can only issueopa louie launches into action you just want him to attack with his spear or do you want to try and hold it back try and hold it back all right good luck koopa louie he's so small but he can be vines he he held the door shut that time can be vines gosh all right koopa louie launches himself at the golem and splats into its chest. At first you think he's just killed himself. But then.

Oh, fun. Just cast like that one. Are you imagining he's got a really long epic run up and he jumps like screaming. He just goes. Yeah. And Wade is like, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. But then you see Koopa Louie growing around the golem's chest,

slowly restricting its arms. The golem looks down at each of its arms uh the expression on its face you imagine is confusion but if you do so you're just anthropomorphizing something that isn't intelligent this thing is the same sort of creature as vaughn uh then it is tiffany and flask of wine's turn what would like to do? I would like to use my wonderful sneak abilities and get on the other side of Flask of Wine. You don't have to get on the other side of someone. You just need to be fighting next to a friend.

Sorry, you shouldn't have picked Flask of Wine, I guess. Well, no, technically, if you go and attack it, you're fighting next to me and Koopa Louie, right? Yeah. No, no, no. When I said get on the other side, as I said it, I'm like, you're already next to them. Why are you moving? And now, a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that you could hear a cartoon review show about the worst cartoons in history,

then do I have news for you. Cynical Cartoons is a show by Mia with a rich list of guests from all across Sandspans and beyond where they, as my dad calls it, waste time when they could be digging another more useful trench. So if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad has an actual moat around his place of business, then head on down to sandspansradio.com and search for Cynical Cartoons. I would like to use my green flame blade and try and stab a rock.

I'm sure that'll work well for me. That's why I said no to the spears. I feel like, oops, snap. Right? Surely. I mean, when I punch rocks, it doesn't work. So what do you want Flask of Wine to do? Just be there so I can get sneaky

Alright I just want his support as a friend Flask of Wine draws a short sword Nods next to you Nods and darts in next to you Oh, and attack, of course, yes You strike with your green flame blade You deal 30 points of damage

I don't say that in character. That's an internal thought. An infernal thought? An final thought! No way! You're kidding me! I'm not kidding! Forget about it!

Nah, I don't want to go over there. I don't want to be forgetting about nobody but me. I'll never forget you! I'll never remember what you do And I'll forget about it I don't even know what I had for breakfast I forgot where I live How did I get here

Oh god I forgot why I came into this room I got some infidal dementia Oh no Flask of Wine is not very good at fighting golems He deals Who has that skill? Three points of damage.

Does he actually have a thing that's bad against golems? He doesn't have any abilities that are good against a golem. He's a very good guide, but he's not much in... Well, he can do some things in a fight, but not a lot of things against a golem, I guess. Just out of curiosity yeah how much of a better fighter was river mist than flask of wine uh they had the same statistics i flask of wine i have improved by giving him actual uh making him an actual character but

river mist just had base statistics the flask of wine's been using for quite some time fair enough quasha the same quasha just had basic druid stats i beefed him up as well he's quite better now he wasn't very useful in the fight on the ship or like he wasn't there for the fight on the ship because he tripped but made me strong though yeah he's uh quite useful now he's got a lot of good spells he's a much better guide as well flask of of Wine and Quasher are both way better at guiding now, but their combat hasn't changed entirely that much. Koopa Louie, king of combat.

Dragon Bait, also very good at combat. Art of Simba, piece of shit. That was Tiffany and Flask of Wine. It's Quasher's turn. Quasher reaches out and touches Koopa Louie, and you see koopa luffy koopa luffy you see koopa louie get beefy

koopa louie gets strong as kwasha channels energy into him and then it is the golem's turn i knew this was coming i was thinking to oh, we've done all right here. I'm solving the maze. You guys are fighting. And then I was like, ah, it's the golem's turn. Yep. The golem flexes its arms. Oh, no.

Koopa Louie is broken into three parts. Oh, Adam. What? But they beefed him up. The three parts hit the ground. Koopa Louie is small small and this creature is large. Imagine a toddler fighting a horse. Oh, no.

I'm not going to do that. That's awful. Imagine the beefiest toddler. Imagine the beefiest toddler you can imagine fighting a horse. Putting it into context, it's so dumb. Why did I do that? Of course Koopa Louie fails. I don't understand how size works in D&D.

So I was just like, oh, yeah, it's magic, but it's a toddler fighting a horse. Koopa Louie is the size of a dog. Like not a Labrador. Like a terrier. Like a pit bull or something. It's funnier if he's the size of a

toddler. That's about the same size. Because I imagine a terrier could beat a horse. In my brain I'm like nah a terrier could beat a horse in a fight. It's got tenacity and can go for the ankles. Correct. Toddler fucking useless. Shits pants all the time.opa louie is but small and this creature is quite big uh yeah is he dead no no no he starts to reform okay it just threw him off who does the golem consider ah you you fucked up the maze oh no no you need to solve them the golem brings its two giant arms up should i use my

gift of protection while i was solving the maze and brings them down on you oh shit i always remember i have this also that's a hot tamale critical hit, I think you mean a critical whoops. A critical whoops a day. Big old oh no! And stay down. You are pushed five feet back and must make a DC 12 save. You are knocked prone and take a default damage. You're pushed back.

Your progress on the maze is reset. You're pushed 5 feet back you make a saving throw otherwise you'll fall prone as well you pass so you're still standing but when it belts you you are knocked backwards also you're going to take some damage

and by some damage I mean I mean guardians of Gahoy The owls Yes Yes 34 points of damage Oh, that's nothing, Adam Tis water off a

Tortle's back That tortle being me, and that water being A big man punching me Just the idea that you're so slippery That someone goes to punch you and is like So that turtle being me and that water being a big man punching me. Just the idea that you're so slippery that someone goes to punch you and it's like. Pop and Koopa Louie. What would you want to do? Right.

You could keep trying to solve the maze if you wanted to. Yeah, but it's angry at me, right? Yep. It wants to hurt me specifically, Adam? Yes. So it would appear. Oi, horns. Yes.

Solvever maze. Oh. I take my hammer and sickle out, and I take a few steps back, calling out, Oi, you big rock-headed fuck, come and get me. Are you going to, oh, so you're just going back, and you're trying to taunt it? Yes. I'll make that a deception check.

And then it is Tiffany and Flask of Wine. What would you like to do? I am going to run as quickly as my ghastly little self can and try and solve the maze. All right. And I'm going to say, Flask, keep fighting. What's your intelligence, modifier? You're quite clever.

Yes, but I'm not wise. Slightly more clever than Pop. You get 21 in total. You get 21 solving points, I'm not wise. Slightly more clever than Pop. You get 21 in total. You get 21 solving points, I'm calling them. Ooh, how many do I need to solve? You need 30. Hey! So one more turn should be good.

What do you want Flask of Wine to do? Keep attacking. All right. Protect Pop. All right. No, that's not the plan. Oh, at the end of this turn i don't need protecting oh yikes what have you done to yourself

out of ammunition flask of wine has run out of hours oh fuck flask of wine reaches back and grabs at nothing in his quiver. Huh. Must be nice to be like, oh, it's insane. This has never been a problem for me before. Oh, I should say you get a negative 10 to those solving points. Sorry. So you only had 11 because you are still under the effects of the slow gas.

You, Tiffany, are still under the effects of the slow gas. You, Tiffany, are still suffering its effects and so is Flask. I get a bad boy card for that as well. Flask did very poorly. Are the others aware of what's going on or are they too far away? They're way down. Yeah, it's going to take them a little... Well, you don't know, actually.

I just have this great image of Dragonbane and Artisany, they're just enjoying some peace and quiet away from the obnoxious and overshary. The crew are, like, doing a crew thing and then Dragonbait just, like, just taps Artis with, like, a resigned look on his face and just points up and they both just look up and are just like, oh, for fuck's sake. There wasn't a golem there before.

Somehow I know this is the tortles' fault. In my mind, I know we're in a jungle island, but they both got sunglasses and a drink. Yeah, yeah. Little hats in them. Yeah. Not hats. Umbrellas.

Umbrellas? Hats of the body. as a humbrol. Hats of the body. Quasha puts a hand on your shoulder, Pop, and you can feel that he's channeling a magic into you as well. You're not sure initially what's happening, but then maybe someone else up there,

Flask of Wine, who sees you, gasps a little in shock, and you look down at your hands to see that your skin is slowly becoming slowly taking on like a brownish hue and it begins to crack in between you realize that your skin is becoming bark right this is a improvement maybe question knots your ac is now when i have a good ac to start with your ac is now 19 oh i'm a tough little boy because your skin is no longer skin it is now as hard as tree bark i mean what like paper bark no no uh like a it'd be a jungle tree from here in Chult. Big, sexy jungle bark tree. The roughest boy.

I like it rough. Oh, no. On my skin. No, that's still bad. It's the golem's turn. The golem wheels around and slams into Tiffany. Fuck. around and slams into tiffany fuck when that happens every guide and pop pop by the way you get a good boy card you roll to 20 every guide and pop all at the same time flask of wine quasha

and pop all at the same time you're like you're supposed to solve the maze to get past the bridge so you failed to solve the maze it was going to bar you access now that tiffany's trying to solve it it the golem is considering you a group it's just attacking whoever is closest to the other end of the bridge right t, right. Tiffany, you are in trouble. So we can just leave. Solving the maze will still work, though. Yeah. That was a good idea.

But unfortunately, well, what you wanted to do was get around onto the other side, and then it'll come after you. I went the wrong way. Yeah, basically. Had I have run not the way I'd come, but towards the other side of the bridge, it would have followed you. And I've worked this out now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now everyone's figured it out. I'm going to fucking sprint to the inside of that bridge. 33 points of damage, Tiffany. I needed those to live. Well, you didn't need those ones to live. You'll need the next 39 to live. Oh, 39 is just not many.

That was the golem's turn. Pop and Koopa. Sorry, horns. Fucked up. I run to the other end of the bridge. As you sprint past, it's going to take a swing at you. Is that okay? Yes.

It swings, and unfortunately, your bark skin doesn't prove you're AC, but what it does is it just catches you in the gut. It's like running into a brick wall basically. Fuck. You feel winded. Oh wait, I already rolled to hit. You feel winded as it takes 18,

19 points of damage off you. You can keep moving though if you want. Yeah, I want to keep going. Get the other side of where it is. You're 15 feet on the other side of the statue. You would have normally been 25 feet, but I must remember that your speed is reduced. Correct. Even with it. Oh, man.

Imagine if I'd have got gassed. I'd be like. Your speed would have been 25. You would not have been able to pass the statue. You wouldn't have been able to get to Tiffany this turn. My God. Yeah. Because it's not my first turn, I don't get my super speedy bonus either. Shame.

Alright, but you are on the other side now, thankfully. Keep solving the maze. That was... What do you want Koopa Louie to do? Koopa Louie can come with and just provide backup. Yeah, I'm gonna... On me, little weed. Koopa Louie's beside you. You're not sure when that happened.

Tiffany and Flask of Wine, what would you like to do? I'm going to keep solving the maze. Flask, keep attacking. You get an extra six Solvi points. You're on 17 out of 30. We're getting there. We're getting there. Wish I hadn't got gas.

Sorry, what did you say to Flask? Keep fighting. Keep fighting? All right. Flask of Wine... Oh, I have to use this. Can Flask help with the maze? No, it's only one person.

Flask of Wine draws his sword and slashes at the golem, but his sword just bounces off its stone. He cannot fight a golem. He has nothing really here. He has nothing really here. He has nothing really for this. Flask of Wine and you both now get another turn to throw off the effects. All right, Tiffany, you throw off the effects.

Flask of Wine also throws off the effects. Both of you are moving at full speed and have all of your actions again. Huzzah! And then it is Quasha's turn. the effects both of you are moving at full speed and have all of your actions again huzzay and then it is quasha's turn quasha's bringing out the big guns i reckon he puts both of his hands on the ground and you see vines and plant life all over the bridge begin to bulge and shape several of them rise up and start wrapping themselves around the golem trying to fix it in place unfortunately the golem is incredibly strong with a with a tremendous

cracking and creaking sound it tears itself off the moorings that the vines have made for it and breaks a part of the bridge as it goes quasha is also no longer affected by the slow spell the golem comes after you gotcha you big stump bitch it barrels towards pop oh man pop fuck yeah first one's a critical miss Too good, slippery old shell boy. The golem swings at you, and you can tell as the blow's coming in, you can see that it's a glancing blow, and you're kind of expecting that the, you're like, maybe I can just tank this, as you try to slip underneath its guard. You know it's going to catch you on the back of the head,

but you're crossing your fingers that the bark skin is going to protect you come on quarter don't fail me now sure enough its fist bounces off the back of your head doing absolutely no damage as you come under its guard and slam into its face and its face mask cracks a little bit and slides down. The creature is blinded. Nice. At least for now. Its second attack is also a miss as it tries to swing at you. Its second attack, because you're blinded, is also a disadvantage, I think. Yeah, he just misses you.

That was the golem's turn. Pop and Koopa Louie. It can't see me anymore, right? For now. Yes, it's blind. Step out of the way. Okay. You step out of the way?

Yeah. You don't want to strike it? Well, I'm hoping solving the maze will stop it. Fair point. All right. You step out of the way. Do you want Koopa Louie to step out of the way as well? Yeah, we just kind of step to either side of it.

I imagine it's like this where the microphone is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're on either side of it, and I just imagine it's like blindly flailing around. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're on the other side of it. And I just imagine it's like blindly flailing around. We're just staring at it like, what the fuck? It takes these giant boom, boom, plodding steps. And it's swinging wildly with its fists. But it's not finding, it's not connecting with anything.

Tiffany and Flask of Wine, you continue solving. Yes. You need 13 Solvi points. And you get 17? Yes. You need 13 Solvi points and you get 17 Solvi points. Yay! Oh, no, you oversold it. The golem attacks again. No. You're too clever.

You solve the maze and the golem stops mid-swing, turns around and resumes its seat in the middle of the bridge. I like that. I like that it's there, but its face is just slightly lower down than where it was. Well, yeah, basically. Oh, good. Ah, we're idiots. Did Tiffany get anything for doing that?

Yes. Oh, yeah, you'll get some experience. Not the full amount because you didn't actually kill the creature, but you did do something, so you'll get something. It should probably cost us bridge, right? Do you know what's funny? If we had to climb the bridge at the other end, we would have been on the other side of the golem already.

I thought maybe solving the maze would give us a boon of some kind. Yeah. Will it, Adam? Well, you're both going to get 1,475 experience points. Do you count that as a boon? No. No? Well, we're definitely taking it and we are grateful.

I thought maybe someone would get like a magical power on the ability to win. Maybe we discovered the ability to solve a maze was in us all along. Maybe that was the boon. The maze was the friends we made along the way, which for me is none. After your little fight with the golem, you can have a little look around on the bridge if you want.

You can admire the statues, say hi to the monkeys, if you will. So all that, that's it? Yep. Oh, Adam. Oh, Adam. Oh, Adam. Nah, fair enough. We deserve that.

Yeah. It was a five. Yeah. You were right, Adam. Oh, Adam. Nah, fair enough. We deserve that. Yeah. It was a five. Yeah. You all right, horns? I'll live. I'll live. I'm all right. I'm going to do a level two cure wounds on myself and Tiffany.

All right. Tiffany, you recover. Oh, wow. 19 hit points. The maximum you can recover from this spell. Well, if it's cast by Pop. And Pop, you recover three hit points. Ten hit points.

Fuck. Man. Sorry, I took your good roll. No, that's okay. And then you continue onwards again, I guess. Can I, how far away is Vaughn? Vaughn? Vaughn does not move nearly as fast as you.

But I could see that it was like something knocked over a spire. Yeah. Am I, do I have the intuition to be like, that could be Vaughn? Probably not, actually. Is it also nighttime? It's nighttime Vaughn. Probably not, actually. Is it also night time? It's night time. Oh, no, no, no. You have a night here under the bridge and then you continue onwards.

So it's daytime now while we're talking. Oh, so have we had... Okay, no, cool, I've got it. We had a bridge snooze. We had a fight and then we had a bridge snooze. We took a troll's life. Speaking of which, I'll roll hit points healed overnight. Great. So I here join the bridge after... Fuck, why did I do that? We're just about to have a nap. My of which, I'll roll hit points healed overnight. Great. So I here join the bridge after the... Fuck, why did I do that? We're just about to have a nap.

My question is, Adam... Well, actually, there's an encounter in the night, so maybe you were clever to do that. I won't roll your hit points. I'm on the first watch, Adam, as always. This would actually be taking place during about the middle of the night, so... So I'm on that watch too. No, I'm not. I've gone to bed.

I like how committed you were to that you're like this entire trip you've been like first watch every second it's mattered so much but when it comes up like an event is happening you're like no i would have been in bed no of course not no you're like i'm on the first watch if this happened in the middle of the middle of the watch i'm in bed already it's just so shockingly awful of handsome tom and a lot of your character well no i feel like it is in character too because pop would be like my shits over now i'm going to bed fuck everyone yeah and if you got attacked in the night that is someone else's fault and problem that's not on you you can keep sleeping and i do and i dream of i have nice

dreams i would i wish there was a mechanic in D&D where we had to roll every time we went to sleep about what our dreams would be. I would love that so much. It would be really nice. I mean, we did roll for nightmares. We got them. I thought when he was like, well, how high is your, when you saw Mesro and he was like, what's your high passive perception?

I thought you were going to realize that someone else had had a nightmare too. I don't know whether it was me or Grig or one of the Tabaxi, but Adam didn't do that because. That's so sweet. Whatever, I guess. Whatever. Pop, you recover 58 hit points and Tiffany, you recover 42, the meaning of life hit points. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. There was, you recover 42, the meaning of life hit points.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. There was an encounter. Oh, yeah, there was. So the next morning, everyone wakes up. Uh-huh. Pupil Louie is nowhere to be seen. As you slowly walk around the boat, you realize as well, Quasha is gone.

And then both of them board onto the boat. They just left to have a little chat. They do that sometimes often in the morning, actually. It doesn't strike you as odd because it's just something that they normally do. They're both on the board? Yeah, they're both on board. They're both safe. But there's a moment where you're like, oh, where are they?

Okay. Well, if they do this all the time, then there's no reason to be suspicious. I'm suspicious, but I'm suspicious of, like, everyone. So this isn't new suspicion. No. I'm not going to ask them. It's the same old suspicion. That I've had since I met them the first time.

There's no changeling new suspicions. No, no, no, no, no. Baseline suspicion still maintained. Yeah. Adam. Yeah. Do I have the intuition to gauge if that was Vaughn that knocked down the tower at Mesro?

Look, you could probably roll to kind of gauge how far away Vaughn could be, but it's like a very difficult check. That's all right. Roll it, and if I pass it. Nat 20, baby! You didn't get a nat 20, but you did roll quite well. So I would say that you're like, well, it could have been. I want to wait for him.

You can ask to wait if you want. How far away do I think he is then? How far away was Mesro from this place? Oh, Mesro's a ways away. Because you're moving faster than he is. Yep. You're slowly. Basically, how long did it take us to go from past Mesro to a Tazmahaha?

That's a day. A day. So he is a day by boat, but it'd be maybe a couple days on his foot. Might as well just keep going and he'll catch up to us eventually. Maybe when we get to Curse of Baal, I'll wait for him. Yeah. I think we're ready to go.

You right, Horne? Yeah, I'm feeling better. Good. How about you? You get anything from that maze? No. You didn't get anything from the maze? I didn't finish the maze. Well, did you at least see some nice artefacts? I've got some nice pictures, yeah. Okay.

Well, then I guess it wasn't for nothing. Well, it was. We didn't get anything. Yeah, it was. It was pointless exercise. Yeah. I apologise for dragging you into it, really. Oh.

All right, off we go. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome, I suppose. Yeah. I apologize for dragging you into it, really. Oh. All right, off we go. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome, I suppose. Tiffany, Sunday night taps you on the shoulder as you're sailing southwards. Can you come with me, please? Oh, of course. We're secret away.

Sunday night walks you into the hold of the ship. Pop, you notice this. You notice that Sunday night leads Tiffany into the bowels of the ship. Flask of wine is leaning against the edge of the ship, but watches them intently as they walk down. And he surreptitiously kind of like peels away from the edge of the boat and follows down at a discrete distance. I'm not bad at stealth, am I?

I'm a sneakish enough. No, you're not bad at it. I would also like to surreptitiously follow. As you open the grate to get below, a flask of wine immediately turns around and spots you in the light streaming down. He doesn't say anything. No, I know. I join him.

Hello there. What's going on? Is he a good liar? No. Flask of wine says nothing of interest. Flask. Yes. I'm going to ask that question again.

I was looking for the toilet. Flask. I'm going to ask that question again. If you give me an answer that is as bullshit as that one, I'll put rocks in your pockets and throw you in the water. What sort of rocks? Heavy. I love him.

They would be a magical kind of rock. No, no. Rock of drowned tabaxi. How does it work? You die. But how does it work? You drown, and then you die. I drown, and then I die?

You die, but you know what, Flask? Tell me what's going on, or I'll punch you so hard in the face, your mouth will come out the back of your head. All right, you make an intimidation check. Flask of wine. You maybe, like, grab Flask of Wine's shirt and shove him up against the side of the bulkhead. Oh, yes, I do.

Menacing him with a fist. It's very funny to imagine a giant tortle doing that. Just holding a cat with a big fist. What a game this is. Flask of Wine puts his paws up and says, all right, all right, it is a wakkanut. What is a wakkanut and why is it the cutest damn thing ever? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chot. Thanks for listening. We're happy to announce that our good friends Cameron James and Ben Elwood

are releasing a limited miniseries about the batshit movie based on the demented Broadway musical based on a book of awful poems, Cats. Have a listen to what's coming because it is a wild ride. I knew it was going to be bad, right? But I thought it would be funny bad. Hi, I'm Cameron James from the movie podcast Total Reboot. But it wasn't. It was the sign of the collapsing civilization around us.

Welcome to my latest frickin' obsession. I think Cats is about... Let's use a whole bunch of cats. Who all hang out together called Jellicles. About the Jellicle universe. They're a gang. Who get together in an alleyway. It's about cats.

I couldn't tell you the plot. To like sing their songs to each other for the chance to die why does it exist that's what we're trying to figure out join me and my good friend Ben Elwood on this jellicle journey

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