D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #9 My Dinner with the Red Wizard

Episode Date: April 11, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, why live your best life when you could be stealing someone else's? Welcome to Season 2, Episode 9 of Zombie Plagued Chult. What happened before this? Well, wouldn't you like to know? You end up next to Artis Simber at the railing. It's just the only place that's easy. We've had, I feel like we've had one conversation since Chult, and that was when we were fighting giants together and otherwise I don't think we've actually spoke. I think that would be accurate.

You look down and you see three giant crocodiles. We're going to put this meat in the water for I'll attract the crocodiles to the meat and then you're going to freeze them in the river. Alright then. Okay. Shall we remember that this could potentially destroy our boat? So could the crocodiles.

Fair point. Neither Orime nor Kupului exit the water. Are the crocodiles gone? The crocodiles are still just feeding and feeding and feeding. The crew don't know what to do. They're scared to pick a fight with these crocodiles because they know they'll lose. Guasha keeps striking them with lightning. because they know they'll lose.

Guasha keeps striking them with lightning. You see, yeah, those two skeletons, a soldier between them and behind them with his red robes rolled and hiked up to his knees, sweating heavily. A particularly pudgy-looking red wizard of fate. Why? Why are you such a mean boy? Unfortunately, it's just how I was raised, fat man. Pop, you've closed in with the red wizard,

but it's his turn and he takes a five foot step back and throws a ball of fire at you. The ball of fire explodes nearly at your feet. You'll save for half damage again. Gosh, your dexterity saving throws are keeping you alive in this fight because he's thrown a lot of really good magic at you. I was about to say, and my dexterity is fine. It's okay.

That was a lot of dice, Adam. Yeah, but you'll only take half damage. Okay. 10, 20. Wait a minute, what? 31. You only take another 15 points of damage you could have taken 60 in total or like 62 from the last two attacks but you only took 30 because of some lucky dexterity saving throw because this boy's a champion you're still only

on 55 now i've been on worse. Whatever. All right. That was the red wizard's turn. You can see that he's sweating for reasons other than the heat right now. The soldier behind you, you hear him just. Is he always like this? Yes. Tiffany and flask of wine. Sorry?

What a blithering idiot. You're two turns away. It's the skeletons. Flask of wine sorry what a blithering idiot you're two turns away it's the skeletons flask of wine is they there yet no flask of wine well you're actually faster than flask of wine but i told flask of wine to run oh you did yeah oh i'm sorry i didn't realize was that last turn yeah oh he should have been there last turn well he's there now. Okay. Flask of Wine bursts upon the scene, looks around, quickly surmises. He looks at the guard and says, I know what it looks like when you've been paid off. He fires a bow at the Red Wizard. Don't I control Flask of Wine?

Oh, who do you want him to attack? One of the skeletons? He attacks one of the skeletons. Two arrows miss the skeleton. Oh, it's because they've got no skin. That's my fault. I hope it goes through the ribs. Oh, actually, no, you don't control Flask of Wine.

He's out of your range now. You've got to pick a different NPC. But Pop controls Flask now. I'm not going to make him attack those skeletons. You want him to attack the wizard? Yeah, help me knock this fucker out. All right, who would you like to take, Tiffany? Who's near me?

You've got Artisember. Artis. All right. So he attacks the wizard. Both of those arrows will hit, dealing 11 points of damage. Two arrows strike the man in his big belly. That's a sound email. Should have skipped breakfast, mate.

Then you wouldn't be such an easy target. Just turn into bullying. Yes. It's just what this is. Yes. It's the skeleton's turn. Both of them swing at the back. They're just hammering away at your shell, but they can't do anything.

It's just crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack. Like two lumberjacks trying to chop down a tree, but the tree is made of metal and the lumberjacks are using wooden axes. That's a great image. Then, Pop, it's your turn. You've already gotten Floss to act, but you can also act. Yeah, I'd like to keep going. I'm trying to knock this big fat fuck out. No, stop it, you stupid

turtle! Oh, fuck, I fucked it up again. Your first attack will be a miss. Your second attack is a critical miss. Oh, attack is a critical miss. Oh, that's bad for me. Yeah, that's bad for you. Oh, no.

That's no good. My stick's stuck. Your weapon becomes lodged in a non-damaging part of the enemy or a nearby object. As you swing back, that's your hammer. So your hammer has, you know, the curved part for moving a nail. You swing your hammer back and your hammer impacts into, let's say, the skeleton. When you yank, your hand comes away free of the hammer. You've lost your hammer in that skeleton.

Oh, fuck. Your third attack with the sickle will hit, though. You deal a further 10 points of damage. Once again, you smack him in the belly with the flat part of your sickle. Maybe digging one of the arrows deeper into his gut. Whee! Oh, I love this. This is so good.

It's the wizard's turn. He takes another five foot step back. Stop it. Stop it. He throws another ball of fire at you. This time you fail. That's all right. 29 points of damage to you.

I'm still going. Yeah, you're still kicking. Another ball of flames explodes at your feet. You got that ball of fire, but you also got the world at your feet. So you don't mind. Yeah, yeah. It's a big fat bald man. That was the red wizard. The guard leans up against the tree,

unslings his backpack and starts rummaging around in it. He comes out with a small metal tin. He opens that and takes out a biscuit and some cheese. See if he's going to join our party. He's great.

The guard has his lunch. Tiffany, you are one turn away. Cool. It's the skeleton's turn. Aha! One of the skeletons, I believe, is about to crack your armor. Oh, no, never mind. I'm a tank? Yes. No, he does crack your armor. Oh, no, never mind. I'm a tank?

Yes. No, he does crack your armor. Rude. You take 11 points of damage as one of the skeletons breaks part of your shell up and gets to the soft, gooey flesh beneath. You feel an awful pain radiating up and down your spine, and you can tell that one of your vertebraes has

been shattered. Fuck you, you bony fuck. Your right leg refuses to respond. Well, that's alright. It's a bum leg. Doesn't do much anyway. You're a glass half full sort of guy, aren't you? Pop, it's your turn.

You're controlling flask as well. Gift of protection, Adam. Is that a bonus action or an action? That doesn't count as an action at all. That's the one awake thing. That doesn't count as anything at all. It's a free action, basically. When was the last time I used it?

I don't recall. I can't remember either. I'm going to use the DM's memory loophole. I'll allow it. You take no damage for a turn. Great. I want his gift of protection and then I don't have my hammer, do I? It's back in there. Yeah, your hammer's

stuck in the skelly. That's right. I've got a clause as we discovered earlier today. Your claws are also lethal weapons. And I'm going to Zephyr Strike this time too. Alright. Zephyr Strike gives you an advantage on one weapon attack roll. We'll say the first one, and it deals an extra D8 damage.

You hit. You deal 60. I still have the sickle, don't I? So I'm putting hand and sickle. Your first attack with the sickle, you smack him in the face. His head rocks backwards, and a beautiful, amazing arc of blood sprays forward that you can tell is from his nose. And it washes in like a wave in front of him. The red wizard topples over unconscious.

You have two attacks left and the two skeletons are still standing. Well, time to take down the skellies. So your other two attacks, you level on one of the skeletons. I want to go to the one that's got my hammer and I'm going to try to get the hammer back in the attack. You strike both times with your claw and with the sickle again. You deal 20 points of damage to the skeleton, destroying it. The skeleton crumbles.

It breaks apart as you destroy it absolute destruction desecration of the bones it falls in a heap then you have uh flask of wine yeah what would you like him to do take the other skeleton flask of wine as he approaches you can see a golden energy dissipating from around him. The magic of his speed that he used to get here. You're going to arrive at the best scene of an unconscious fat wizard, a guard eating a sandwich, a pile of bones, and maybe another pile of bones. Flask of Wine knocks, draws, and fires his arrows twice. Both of them pass harmlessly through the skeleton. You hear as Flask of Wine sprints past you.

Flask of Wine says, My God, Kat. The Red Wizard is unconscious. It's the guard's turn. He tears into a chunk of cheese. He's enjoying his lunch. Tiffany and Artis, you arrive on the scene. What would you like to do?

You can see one skeleton and a man having lunch. Hello, kids. I look. Oh, an unconscious red wizard. I look. Figuratively and literally, he is definitely sweating profusely enough to have like a red sheen to him. I look

at the unconscious wizard, person having lunch, skeleton, person having lunch. The guard nods. Howdy. I nod back, pile of bones, skeleton, we're still fighting. Okay, going for the skeleton.

I would like to green flame blade the skeleton. All right. With Art of Simba on my flank. Actually, no, I can probably just use Flask of Wine as a flank. You don't need to flank in Fitthead. You just need to be fighting next to a friend. So if there's another friend fighting, for example, a pop counts. Hey, sick.

Yep. Tiffany, you deal 27 27 28 points of damage destroying the skeleton you come down you use your rapier as like like a switch like a regular sword as opposed to a pointy sword but you crumple the skeleton's head into its chest cavity keep going you crumple the skeleton's head into its chest cavity. Keep going. You crumple the chest cavity around the legs, and you crumple the legs into the feet. The skeleton is destroyed. More so even than Pop's skeleton. This is very good to hear.

Not bad, Owens, not bad. Thanks. Combat over. Let's give you some experience. You get. I'm going to heal myself. We'll say half experience for the guard because you didn't properly defeat him. Properly?

I used my skills. With the mind. He's on side now. It wasn't as hard a fight. I had to roll twice. It was very hard. All right. You both get 1,363 experience points.

Do we get anything for the crocodiles? Tell you what. I'll round this one up to 1,400, and we'll say that's a little bump of experience for the crocs. Thanks, Adam. You're very welcome. You're good to us. I am.

All right. What's the plan? Cure wounds. Obviously. So we're meant to be interrogating that dead wizard? He's not dead. He's just knocked out. But he will be shortly, don't you worry, my armoured friend.

He nods. I look at the armoured friend, look at his cheese a bit longingly, look back at you and just look at the red wizard. I figured. There's no, I don't have questions to ask. I know what's going on. At this stage, it's not my business why it happened, more how. I just got to roll with what I got The guard offers you the hunk of cheese.

Thank you. I eat the cheese. Five silver, he says. I turn my back on the guard. Mmm, what lovely cheese this is. What is this? Is this a it's a, I think it's a

cheddar? Can I give him five silver? Yeah. I gave him five silver for the cheese. He gives you the cheese. What is this? Is this a... It's a... I think it's a cheddar. Can I give him five silver? Yeah. I gave him five silver for the cheese. He gives you the cheese. I was doing business with you. Same back to you. And yeah, then I want to use a level two Cure Wounds.

All right. I break the cheese in half and I give half to you and I eat the other half. Oh. Oh. Oh, that didn't register for a second. Thank you. I'm second. Thank you. Thank you, Pop. You recover seven hit points, Pop.

Really? How bad did I roll? You rolled a one and a three. Hey, I've got two healing potions. Do you want one? Yeah, right. Do you have what type of healing potion they are? No. No?

All right. Base level it is. Do you use both healing potions? I only take one. Six hit points? You might want to take a short rest one and heal you. Just a joke for Adam. What do you want?

28 out of 102. I can heal wounds again. I hand the other healing potion. You still don't look great. All right. Thank you. Thank you for the cue.

You recover another seven hit points. Am I just rolling terribly, Adam? Well, the basic healing potions aren't great either. True, true. But I did roll terribly when I cured myself. You're nearly at cursor ball. So if you want, you can just hold out, and hopefully nothing bad has happened there. Oh, Adam.

I'd like to – we're going to restrain our fat friend and ask him a few questions. Basically, we had to interrogate a red wizard to help us with the whole get to the – Heart of Ubtow. No, get to Omu. Omu, yes. The lost city.

That's where we're going. We're going to the heart of Ubtow to interrogate red wizards. But if we interrogate this red wizard, we probably don't have to go to the heart of Ubtow. Hey. I excitedly get out my rope because I haven't had a chance to use it yet. Off you go. I tie up the fat wizard. He was, I can only assume, rude in some way that wronged us

and has earned this title. Do you know what's funny? He was just there. Yep. Oh, no, I know. I know it's your fault. Also, he's a red wizard and I hate him. You just would have hated him anyway, you know?

Yep. He's in the way. Art of Simbra turns to the guard and says, can I ask what exactly will you say when you return to, where are you going? And the guard says, I'll probably return to the heart of Ubtal. That's where I work. We exchange a look.

Artisimba says, and what exactly are you going to say when you get there? I'll say the jungle took them. I like you. I mean, you're not wrong. I'm not wrong. No, correct. Do we actually have to go to the heart of Ubtal though now? Let's see how this goes.

We'll see how this goes. Hey,, we'll see how this is going. Hey, what about we see how this goes? Oh, yeah, let's give it a try, eh? We'll give it a go. Yeah, we'll have to go to the heart of Uptown. Yeah, if this guy's got nothing, we can go with the, you know, the stronger man. Well, I'm going to get going, the guard says. I'll see you guys around.

Hey, you know what would be real good Is if anybody was speaking in final That is not Tiffany or I was gonna you know Secretly stealthily follow that man in the jungle Just in case we need to know where he is eh Flask of wine looks at you And like Narrows his eyes

You can see a flask of wine Like you can almost It's almost as if you can see the cogs slowly turning Cause you didn't exactly say what you needed Him to do But like flask of wine like you can almost it's almost as if you can see the cogs slowly turning because you didn't exactly say what you needed him to do but like he's dumb you know yeah flask of wine follow him into the jungle flask of wines ears flick up and uh flask of wine addresses the group i need to use the bathroom he walks away that's a good flask of wine addresses the group. I need to use the bathroom. He walks away. That's a good flask.

Thanks, flask. The guard leaves and presumably so does flask of wine on his heels. If you wanted to rouse him, you'll either need to give him some healing magic or wait overnight. It's up to you. I mean, I have healing magic. Yeah, kill wounds. But I want to kill wounds badly, Adam. Alright. Well, you can do that. I'd allow it.

Just enough to get him up. You give him one hit point. Actually, you know what? I'll roll. You give him one hit point, you give yourself the rest. I'll allow it. Hey! You recover another five hit points. Hey! Cop that, fat boy. And you give him one hit point betcha he's impotent

as well my god mother dearest is that you yeah your mother turned into a great big fucking toy no what is this what has happened you What? You picked a fight with someone that you should not have picked a fight with, and you lost. Picked a fight? You came trembling, thrashing, thrashing your way through the underbrush, and you

yelled at me. No one yells at me. I yell at everyone. No! No! Oh, Jesus Christ. Someone yells at me. I yell at everyone. No, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. Untie me at once, you creatures. You. He spits at, not spits, but like spittle flies out of his mouth as he addresses you, Tiffany.

You creature, hellfire. We would have you killed in my homeland. Well, we're not in your homeland. Drowned, dashed upon the rocks. You are not in a position to be saying these things. We would kill you both as babes in the crib. I pluck out one of his eyes with my sickle. Oh, wow.

He's down. You've had a hit point. point i mean you fucking do it yeah and then i bring him back to one hit point adam uh i'm going to fuck this is gonna get dark uh i'm gonna make a medicine check to see whether or not you you fuck this up all right look you pluck you gouge out one of his eyes do you you can use your claw instead of the sickle, maybe. You have more dexterity with that. What's better, though? All right, you use the sickle.

You gouge out left or right. What eye am I missing? Right. Right? All right. You gouge out his right eye. There's nothing but there's no delicate way to do it. You do not come away with a clean eye.

You just putrefy and smush and blend his eye so that it is not in his socket anymore. You cast another healing spell. This is very bad, Tom. This is so bad. You recover eight hit points and he's on a hit point again. Why? Why would you do this? You are being very polite.

What? What? Well, you weren't being very polite. What on earth are you talking about, creature? All right, you need to stop calling people creatures or I'll take your dick next. Artisembre nods, please be civil. To me or to the wizard? To him.

Oh, yes. I love it. You. The red wizard continues spittle flying out of his mouth as he addresses Artist. You. I know who you are. When I get out of here, I will contact Miss Shadow Mantle herself and you will be killed.

Killed, I tell you. When are you going to do that? When I am free. Arnest Semper just shakes his head and puts his hands up. I suppose, yeah. If you were free, you could go back. Now let me go. Oh, right. You do see what's going on here, don't you? Yeah, if you were free, you could go back. Now let me go.

Oh, right. You do see what's going on here, don't you? Yes, you cretin. Right, so why would I let you go? Because you should, you stupid beast. Yeah, cool. Sorry, sorry. Why would you think we'd let you go you couldn't understand the powers you

are dealing with little girl dragon bait punches him in the jaw he's down again dragon bait absolutely breaks his jaw good work dragon bite dragon bait. Oh, my God. We're going to kill him just because he's annoying. Yes. I bring you back in another hit point. All right. How many spells do you have? I've got one to go. Well, I've got one level one and I've got one more level two.

You recover five more hit points. Yay. Yay. So, I think we do know, don't we, our horns, what sort of nastiness we're dealing with in this jungle, don't we? I think we have a very good idea. We've killed most of it. He tries to spit at you.

Can I condescendingly wipe his mouth, like, wipe the spit like he's a baby? Did he thank me? Yes. He thinks maybe you're serving him. Oh, he's really racist so why don't you tell us about your big snaky friend oh no oh no you are not sure what he said you have to assume he's right. He's just saying awful, spouting awful nonsense. He doesn't know anything, does he?

You don't know? You could try to beat him out of him. Oh, hang on. You could try to just solidly intimidate or something like that. Show him your face. I peel back the. As you reach up to do that that artist simba quickly grabs your hand he looks at you and says don't don't use it like that have respect to yourself i look at artists

just a bit devastated. It's my own face. Don't use it like a weapon like that. I give him a really disappointed look. I think you're more than that. I see that what you're trying to do is nice, but it doesn't feel very nice. We've tied him to a tree, yeah? You've tied him up.

Okay. I say my him to a tree, yeah? You've tied him up. Okay. I say my piece to Artis. I sort of shake my head, and I say, I turn back and look at the fat, bold wizard, and I say, oh, no, your mistress is coming. And then I run behind a tree and alter self to have red robes with a real big hood, long dark hair. The hood's like hanging over my face. Oh, that is amazing. All right.

You do so. And I'm going to come back around the tree on the side where his bad eye is. Where his lack of eye is. Where his lack of eye is. What have you done? Are you going to try and be out? Because he could turn his head. I grab his head so he can't.

We're a team. We work together. All right. And you say. What have you done? Huh? What have you done? It's just a shame he can't talk.

Can I have your cure wound things make his jaw face? Yeah, can I fix his mouth? You'd have to do a proper cure wounds. And he would be strong. Yeah, and then you could fix his... You'd never be able to fix his eye. But you could fix his jaw like that. Would he be able to fight back? Fight back to what?

Oh, he's tied up, isn't he? Yeah. He's incapacitated. So even if I heal him enough to fix his jaw like that. Would he be able to fight back? Fight back to what? Oh, he's tied up, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah, he's incapacitated. So even if I heal him enough to fix his jaw... You'll heal him more if he can find a way to lose something like that. You'll probably, at max, you'll give him like nine hit points. Yeah, I'm gonna try to fix his mouth.

Alright. What are you doing, you incompetent wretch? You can't even interrogate me right. I liked you better when your jaw was half- half fucking off your face. I could say the same for you, you slimy sack of bits and pieces, not even glued together anymore, it would seem. Oh, look, if you were going to start saying those things,

I would have bought you dinner first. Okay, so I am going to – clearly that didn't work. No, it didn't It was a good try Thank you I like where your head's at Whip my hood off to reveal my real face with my real gash And you want to make an intimidation check?

Yes Listen here You fear a hell, but I will send you there You have advantage to intimidation, but you're not very intimidating. But I'm ugly. Now you look like an idiot in front of artists who told you not to do this. No, but did it work? What if I'm feeling really lucky?

Oh, I see what you're saying. All right, all right, you cretin. In my top breast pocket. I'll hold his face. I reach into his top breast pocket. You pull out a map, a map of Chult and the surrounding areas. Oh, this is really lovely. Thank you, fatso.

This is what you want, and I'll set me free. You know, we will, we will, we'll set you free. You believe in an afterlife, right? No, of course I don't. Shame you set you free. You believe in an afterlife, right? No. Of course I don't. Shame you picked the wrong god. I slit his throat. What are you doing?

Oh, my God. I've never been angrier than NPC. He dies. Good. So the map, I assume, shows us stuff. Oh, we checked that before we killed him, right? I'm assuming you did. It's good to have him gone, though, you know.

So we can flip the big old map in the centre of the table over and you get the full version of it. That's all of the map. All right. Well, he's dead and we have a map. Yep. Thanks for your intervention, Horns. I appreciate it.

Anytime. I cover up my face that worked and just, like, give a really passing quick glance to Artis. Like, it worked. You're welcome. That's fine. I'm being the bigger person. Artis isn't looking at you.

He's looking away. You don't think necessarily like for cruelty or anything like that. It's probably just because I'm ugly. Alright, so I guess we continue on to Curse of Baal, but we probably need to... No, we didn't think through, Horns. What?

When we sent Farsk of Wine after that man, how the fuck we're gonna get him back? Huh. Um... He's gonna follow that guy all the way to the heart of Uptown, isn't he? Maybe. You don't know. Artis Sembra says perhaps we make a camp. Oh, wait.

What's going on? Oh, right. You don't speak in. Look. We've made a big oversight. We sent Flask of Wine off to follow the guard just in case we needed help getting to Ubtow, but we never told him when to stop. Oh.

Perhaps we make camp here for the night? That's not half bad idea, Simple. He might come back. He might come back. We'll see how we go. We make camp here and then we'll push on to the temple tomorrow and then if we haven't heard from him, we head towards the heart. Although looking at this map, that looks like a fucking hideous journey. To get to the heart of Ubtal?

Mm. Yeah, it's not going to be fun. Well, I mean, surely Flask of Wine would have been able to see that the man had nearly died and it was just an interrogation away before we... I doubt, I really doubt that Flask of Wine would stay out past evening. Past this bedtime. There's a lot of trees to count.

All right, I guess we make camp. And now a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that you could hear questions that no one ever thought to ask about pop culture you only kinda know, then do I have news for you. Plumbing the Death Star is a show by Zamet, Dushar, and Jackson where they, as my dad calls it, make a living while being a drain on society, like you, Adam. So, if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad doesn't

believe in entertainment then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for plumbing the death star tiffany you recover 34 hit points and pop you recover 52 meaning that everyone is fully healed hey you were sick i was sick but I was stiff upper lip, you know Yeah The night passing uneventfully Highs or lows? There's a lot rolling on this Highs

Okay Flask of Wine has returned by the morning He looks tired You alright, Flask? Yes, I tracked him for as long as possible But then he noticed me You hurt? No.

That's good. He's tired. We had a good plan, but we didn't tell you when you would know to come back, so apologies. Oh, yes, I noticed. I thought you would follow. No, that wasn't the plan. We have a map, though. Does it line up with your recollections of the journey you took following him?

He did not travel that far. He got to about the river and no further. So I would say yes. I have only seen the jungle, and this says that there is only jungle in this square. That's good. That's good. So what is the plan now? I sort of try and catch Pop's eye and mouth.

Heal him. He's not taking any damage. Oh, he's just tired? Yeah. He hasn't slept. No, he hasn't. He's been traveling all night. Oh, no, there's nothing to be done for that.

It's just a sleepy boy. That's sad. Oh, that's funny. Maybe like, heal him. You'd be like, he slept. That's not how it that. It's just a sleepy boy. Oh, that's sad. Oh, that's funny. Maybe like, heal him. You'd be like, no, that's not how it works. That's not how it works. I don't have that magic. I wouldn't know.

You are familiar. Anyway, never mind. Not here. I'm not in time for it. Let's continue. Where are we going? You could still head towards Curse of Baal if you wanted to. You don't necessarily need to anymore.

It might be nice to... You've come this far at least. Not very far. You're probably closer to Curse of Baal than you are to the brazen Pegasus. So you may as well say hello, but you don't have to. You can just turn around. It's not a big deal. You know where you're going now, ultimately.

You're the one with the clock on these horns. What do you want to do? Omu, please can we just... There's no point in wasting any more time all right we are going straight back to the boat ladies and gents we're going forth onto omu you head back towards the boat that'll take you the better part of today that's right and random event random events are never good it's never oh, the sun made you feel a kind of youth that you haven't felt in years. Why isn't that in this game, Adam?

It is. You just haven't rolled for it yet. The likely story from the guy rolling. With the book of made-up rules that he makes up as he goes. It's not made up. No, it's not. Everything's made up. There's tables and math. Not everything's made up rules that he makes up as he goes. It's not made up. No, it's not. Everything's made up. There's tables and math.

Not everything's made up. The law is made up. But a plant isn't made up. Yes, it is. It's made up of atoms. No, it isn't. And eves. Fuck, I wish that was the genesis story.

Do you have any good boycotts? Why? I will take one from you. Oh, I don't think you should. All right, I'll figure something else out then. Oh, no. Which one of your party members would you describe as your favorite? Oh, um, Shu.

As if you don't. As if you want me to kill anyone. Any party member who likes you, you like. And any party member who doesn't like you, you want to make like you. So badly. All right. Who's leading? Pop.

Pop. Yeah, it's me. It's your boy. Well, would Flask of Wine maybe have a better idea he's very tired oh he's sleeping and we're just retracing our steps carry him so he can have a nap back at the boat oh okay we can sleep when we get on the boat as you as you're walking back tiffany you can hear you're walking next to flask of wine you can hear every now and then as actually as he takes a step every step he takes he does like a purring sort of sound oh like a little

snore yeah you uh you maybe know from your encounters with tabaxi so far indicates that so cute i say nothing anyway but i walk close to him the whole way david he's just sobbing anyway pop as you're walking you see coiled underneath a bush a giant poisonous snake when I say giant in this instance I mean about man sized Imagine a movie where Snakes are the villain Anaconda Imagine that sort of big snake Coiled under

Human size is in thickness or length? Thickness So it is as thick as my waist is So very thin But it's got curves in all the right places This snake So it is as thick as my waist is. So very thin. But it's got curves in all the right places, this snake. I would say lumps in all the right places. Why has it got a butt that just won't quit, Adam?

Get a good boy card. The snake is coiled and ready to strike. I freeze, Adam. You freeze? Yep. All right. It strikes at you. Should have backed away, buddy. All right. It strikes at you. You should have backed away, buddy.

All right. I hate them. I'm terrified. I will say that it's going to bite you. Never mind. You take six points of piercing damage as its fangs sink into you. And as its fangs sink into going straight through. Do you wear boots? I wear no clothes.

I wear belts and a hat. And I gave away one of my belts. It just bites into your foot and you feel like a pumping sensation. And you can tell that it's trying to get poison into you. You fail a con saving throw. And are going to take an extra 12 points of damage. Pop, it's your turn. I begin to squeal.

Pop squeals like a stuck pig. What would that sound like? And immediately just try to just rash the snake to pieces. All right. First round of combat, you get an extra attack. Zephyr Strike. Yeah, no, Zephyr Strike because it's the next day. You cast Zephyr Strike.

Oh, this first attack will then have advantage. Hey, critical hit. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Good. Fuck you, snakes. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah, you're about to fucking destroy this snake slice to the cheek quadruple damage in your panic you cut at the snake's head trying to get it

off your foot and you tear its cheek apart your first attack deals god is this just just over the top overkill? Yep. You deal 48 points of damage. Yeah, it has 11 hit points. In your first attack, you kill it. Your second attack is also a hit. You deal a further 7 points of damage. Your third attack is a hit. You deal 8 points of damage.

And your fourth attack is a hit. You deal eight points of damage, and your fourth attack is a hit, and you deal nine points of damage. Okay, so as this is happening, you kill once. It's obvious the snake's dead. You keep going. I keep going. Oh, yeah. Pop. Pop. Pop. Stop. Stop.

It's dead. Is that Adam? Yeah. That was Adam. Are you okay? Fine. I'm good. I don't want to talk about it.

Do you smoke, Artisimber says? No, but I should. Artisimber takes out a pipe and tobacco and he lights it for you. I run to your foot. Are you hurt? Are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'll be fine. It's okay.

It sounded like you got really badly hurt. I start smoking the pipe. It tastes of cherry. Oh, this is good. It sounded like you got really badly hurt. Are you sure you're okay? No, it was just a little bite. But you...

Okay. Okay. Okay. I leave. Oh, fuck me. You're just going to smoke for the rest of the day? I just dare. Yeah, I'm just going to just stress smoke.

You stress smoke Artis Simbra's pipe the rest of the day. Can I skin the snake? You can grab the snake, but to skin it, you'd need to be stopped. You don't really have a great opportunity. Okay, I'll just store it. You don't know how long you can store that snake before the skin is no good to you. Can I just squeeze it out? You would need to kind of If you wanted

to, the group could stand still for a little while while you did that. How long is Pop smoking for? I'm smoking the whole way back to the boat. Oh, okay. Well, I'll leave the snake. Maybe No, but I can stand and smoke. Oh, no, no, no. I don't want to delay anyone.

I thought we were standing around smoking. Oh, are we standing around smoking or are we walking? That's up to you guys. Let's walk back. I think Pop needs to stand for a minute. I cut out a bit of skin. You do a decent job. You skin the snake.

Okay. There's lots of slash marks in it. How's this skin left? Well, you just destroyed You destroyed the head You were working your way down the body There's a lot of skin That's a big snake

Tiffany gets You get a lot of snake skin You can add that to your inventory A lot of snake skin And what colour is it? Green You continue onwards You get to the boat

Yes I'm not leading the group anymore Alright Flask of wine will do that. I'm not leading the group anymore. All right. Flask of wine will do that. Yeah. I'm just going to sit back and have a bit of smoke. You did a lot of the heavy lifting.

Flask of wine gets you back all right. About halfway the way back. Are you okay? Yeah, I'll be fine. Okay. That's it. Okay. Just wanted to check in.

The brazen Pegasus is loaded up And everyone gets on And you sail onwards towards What's that lake called? Lake Loo Loo What's Nangalore? Nangalore is Nangalore is a dangerous place

Yeah, that's all you've been told While we're on the boat I would like to find Artus and give him back his pipe. He takes it back. Thank you. Thank you very much. You're very welcome. For the pipe.

You're very welcome. Good. So it takes another... Actually, no, it would take less than six days. It takes, I would say, four days for you to get to lake luo as you're traveling you can see on the side of the river just before you get actually as the river empties out into the lake you can see a dwelling reed huts and intermingled among the reed huts you see five strange bird-like creatures.

Ooh. When I say a hut, I mean like a human being would make a hut. The creatures regard you with curiosity. Pop, you know these creatures as Ehbly. As Ehbly. They're thought to be reincarnations of evil humans who were punished by gods for acts of larceny and kidnapping. They are intelligent evil cranes. They loom eight feet tall and lay eggs as mundane birds do. I thought this was going to be cute, Adam.

Eight feet. Flask of wine staring out at them says they will not attack us. We are too many. Good. They wouldn't fucking want to anyway. They could speak attack us. We are too many. Good. They wouldn't fucking want to anyway. We could speak to them. They might know anything of the... We don't need to know anything of the area nearby, do we?

They could tell us things. They are inquisitive creatures. So long as we show strength, they will not attack us. Maybe it's safer to just leave them be. All right. Fair enough. Pop? I'm not going to say anything. What did you want to say? Maybe it's safer to just leave them be. All right. Fair enough. Pop.

I'm not going to say anything. What did you want to say? Nothing. Nothing. But now I want to know. But if I say it to you, then I'll have to say it to them. You don't have to say that to them. No, but I will because I'll have said it to you.

And if I've said it to you, then I've got to say it to them. This is a risk I am willing to take then. Please tell me. I love to backseat. Well, no, while they're here, their heads are so fucking pink. All right. You may say it to them now. Flask of one walks away.

I am not interested. I've learned it. Now it is boring. Why are your heads so fucking pink? Oh, my. Pop? I can't help it Oh my, pop This is who I am

That's how I'm put together, unfortunately What? He said your heads are such a lovely shade of pink No, he didn't I like these guys, they're clever What's going on in this lake? What? What? A bunch of them start approaching you

Sorry, did you describe them as naturally inquisitive And then just make them say what? They're the seagulls from Finding Nemo. What? Naturally inquisitive. You'd write a good resume out of Adam Carnivale. Hey, be nice to your good friend. I love it.

This is great. Grig says, am I stopping the boat? No need to. Don't stop. Alright. Slow down. Just keep cruising. What? What do you want? Huh? What goes on in a lake? In the lake? Yeah. Don't know why you need to know. A terrible beast.

We're in the lake. We know what goes on in the lake. We're not in the lake. We're at the entry of the lake. Be good tonight, wife. There's a gigantic tentacle monster living in the middle of it. We'll park someone at the edge, right? Greg says this is not a bad argument, actually. Thank you. Some of my worst ideas end up being some of my best ideas.

Why are we going to the lake? That's not where Omu is. We've got to go to the lake to doctor ship to then walk to Omu. We can't sail all the way to Omu. Why do we have to go into the lake? We can just park it on the river. No, because you can't park. All right, have a look at the map.

If we park over here, we're near the Valley of Embers, right? Do you see anything marking this territory as being infested with undead? No. If we park the boat here, do you see anything here that is marked as territory that is infested by the undead? Well, I just simply wouldn't go that way. We can go around the undead areas, but fine. We'll go into the lake. We can completely avoid

undead areas. We would be. That's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Tell them their heads are stupid. Already did. Oh, boy. I sit and fume. We're going to. We're going. We'll get your dad back.

What did you ask them? I think I specifically said, what's with the lake? You got any gems? What? Gems. What? Gems. I said gems.

I love them. Oh, my God. Adam, these are great. So what you're saying is the lake is full of gems. No. What? No. I'm talking to them

What? Do you want me to knock him out for you? Gems, give me gems I'll tell you about the lake It's dangerous What? Shh You give me gems

If I give you gems, you tell me about the lake Yes If I have any gems I think I gave them all to the big monster I don't have any gems I have an amulet of forgetsies. Has that got a gem in it? Is it pretty?

It is. What about this? I hold up the amulet of forgetsies. He like squints and looks at it. All right. All right, what's in the lake? Drop it first. Are you fucking kidding?

Do I look stupid to you? Do you look trustworthy? No, I don't. Neither do you. So we're at an impasse. You start telling me and then I'll lower it out to you. Lake is hot. Too hot to live in.

Too hot like a spring. Like a hot spring. Worse than that. There's a volcano nearby. Right. So nothing nasty inside except for the volcano. The water, the lake is, you can see that the creature's eyes are locked to the amulet. The water's boiling in some places.

Good to know. I think the amulet forgets he's at him. Okay. He catches it with his mouth. What? What? What? What?

Another one of them bounds forwards. He didn't tell you everything. You got any more gems? Um, no. Do you know what's beyond the Valley of embers i know what what oh my fucking god horns next time i do something stupid like this just tell me to fuck off please dragon bait who has been leaning on the side of the ship next to you just interested half interestedly watching this conversation nods slowly.

We've got Vaughn back. I just remembered that. Oh, yay. Did you want to bring Vaughn on the boat? He can. Come on. Yeah, he's on the boat. We're taking him with us.

He's sitting on his bum with his knees up and his arms wrapped around his knees. The idea that he got onto the ship. All right, Vaughn, make yourself small. Just the calculations buzzing in his head being like, make yourself small. I know he doesn't think, but in this instance he did. You can't make that call.

I look at you and stare and shake my head and I don't stop. And I smile like I told you so you're right you did was it was it worth not having that thing in a museum oh that thing's useless the amulet forgets these it's not what it's called it is not what it's called it's a fine amulet but it's not not a museum but it's kind of funny that you do not call it by its right name correct it's a nice amulet but it's not a museum amulet okay born's amulet museum amulet what the difference look at this right look at the one i gave that bird at about this point in the conversation you're too far away to have any more conversations with those birds fair enough so we're going to the Warm Lake? Yeah, we're going to go to the Warm Lake and then we're going to cross

the Valley of the Embers and around to Waimu. Unless you want to go around the Peaks of Flame. No, that would take too long. Unless you want to cut through this shitty forest full of zombies. I don't think you're in any position to be talking down to me right now.

No, but I am taller, so it's just gonna happen. Dragon bait chuckles a little at that. What's he smell like? He smells like... Lemon? Yeah, lemon. Lemon and ham. It's funny, but I'm a bit stressed.

That's the funny and stressed sound. Oh, I see. It's perfect. I get it. All right, all right. You eventually are deposited out into Lake Luo, and you sail for its southern shore. Every now and then you hear like a creaking sound from the ship,

like a creaking sound from the ship and grig nervously tells you that that would be the boiling water reacting against the wooden hull she's not made to to to sail in a boiling lake if we leave the ship here is it gonna be intact when we come back That's a very good question, Craig says. What if you drop us off, head back up the river mouth a bit? Okay, we could head back up. Now parking in the river's an option, is it? No, no, no. The boat can stay in the river, but my accent crashed completely when I got angry there. No, no.

If we park in the southern point of the lake, we can get out, walk across the Valley of Embers. If we park up in the river, we've got to walk through a jungle. We're both rights in our own way, all right? Jesus Christ. What we might do is we might sail back north up to Port Castiglia, and then we'll sail back down south. It'll take us a week and a bit, maybe two weeks.

In that time, if you haven't returned well you were never going to well actually a couple of weeks might be not might not be long enough you could be in the jungle for a month but to sail up to port castiglia is probably clever for us to keep moving is better than to stay still in Chult. All right. Well, if you need to do that, then I suppose you can. Do whatever's best for you. If you wanted to, you could, yeah, just come back to Lake Luau and then just stand here

and wait for us to return. We'll come back and forth. We'll keep searching for you. All right. Well, hopefully we're there when you're there. Well, actually, what you could do is wherever we drop you off, we can keep coming to that point specifically and we can have a marker. That would be clever.

So if you put the marker there, meaning we can measure how long it's been there. We could leave a message through it or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's clever, actually. Let's do that. I like this idea, Greg. That's a really great idea, Greg. You make a pretty good captain. I'm going to miss you. Only for a little that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's clever, actually. Let's do that. I like this idea, Greg. That's a really great idea, Greg. You make a pretty good captain.

I'm going to miss you. Only for a little while. Yeah. You're making friends everywhere you go. Well, it's good to be full of love. Venturing deeper into Chult than they ever have before, will our heroes be strong enough to face the journey to Omu? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chult. month, you can have access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and content. Once again, that's SantsPantsPlus.com

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