D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult III #1 The Tomb of the Nine Gods

Episode Date: October 10, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's least coherent podcast network. Welcome to Season 3, Episode 1 of Zombie Plagued Chult. Premiously... Dragonbait dies. Do I know that he is now dead? Is there some innate part of me that's like, that Dragonbait is dead? Dragonbait falls to his knees, bleeding out of cuts and wounds and holes all over his body. Dragon bait looks you dead in the eyes, Pop,

and you see just before he collapses, with a single hand, he brushes gently up and down his arm and mouths the words soft. What can we smell? The last things you smell before he hits the floor are wood smoke. Come on! That's exactly what I was worried about. Honeysuckle and lemon.

Aw. I am Pottery Shot. It is a pleasure to meet you. Is this the flask of wine? I heard you made off with a lot of mail. As you step through the teleporter, you have just enough time to clock the blue pyramid before out

behind the throne, four creatures emerge. They have blue, shining eyes, shining with an undeath. Tavo does nothing this turn. He just cowers near the teleportation circle. Oh, shit. Tavo does nothing this turn. He just cowers near the teleportation circle. Oh shit. Bugger just saved his life and

take him back. Is this the boy? Yeah. Oh, and he's scared. Rasna-Z clearly prizes his skin more than he prizes his religion. Oh my god, it's working. You have come for the muscle

cubes. Artisembre looks at you with a heartwarming smile and says, Would that it were. On your way out, back into Omu, you encounter a host of red wizards. They part, red wizards primarily undead as their pets and mercenaries hired. Where's my big boy your big boy's marching marching among them right next to your big boy is their big boy you can see that they put armor on their shield guardian so the usual brassy color is obscured by giant breastplate gauntlets boots and a helmet made out of beautiful gold inlaid with a red pattern.

Do you reckon he makes fun of our boy? Cass. Yeah. You know what that is? What? It's a big golden man striding through a city. Two out of three. No.

Two out of three. Oh, no. He hasn't strode yet. No, he's walking through these. He's fucking striding. Okay. There's a lot to unpack here. A lot to unpack.

Or nothing. Or we don't have to look into it. We don't have to talk about it. And we don't have to think about two of three because that means there's a third. Papa's dealing with a lot of things and that is not one of them today. All right. I feel like we both see, we both go... You both mentally clock it, just like in the back of your mind.

Oh, yeah, cool. And then immediately don't look at one another on purpose. I feel like we're about 10 feet apart at this stage, but we both feel each other freeze without looking at each other. A beat goes past and we move on with our lives. The crowd parts and strolling down the middle of it are two women velindra shadow mantle and zag mira her uh second in second in command zag mira is as always wearing her red resplendent robes but her beautiful appearance is marred by

the fact that half of her face appears to be 80, while the other half is 18. Belindra Shadowmantle, while not wearing red robes, because I think Pop, you know she's actually not a red wizard. Yeah, I am. She just works with them. You can see that she appears to be ready for war, and her presence scares you a little bit. Belindra says to you, have you acquired the puzzle cubes? I want to talk about a different deal. She narrows her eyes.

In private. Very well. You move a bit north. Do I come too? Okay, good. You move a bit north of the. If you don't, I turn along and you're like, what were you doing? Okay.

You move a bit north of the Fane of the Night Serpent, the temple. She has a red wizard to clear out a building, and you in the upper floor sit down around a moldy old desk and chairs. Who do you want there? You two? Yep. Her, obviously. I think we should have Artis.

It would be nice. Artis? Yep. Flask. Does Flask want to come? Peel up to Flask. If you ask want to come? Purely up to Flask. If you ask, Flask will come. It's a meeting. He thinks it'll end with a good meal.

Yeah, he comes. Lomar Droll asks if he can come as well. I look at Ardis. Ardis nods. That's really impressive. That's real big of you, Pop. What? Sitting around the table,

Valindra snaps her fingers and a kettle appears out of nowhere and pours everyone a cup of tea. Oh, Flask is loving this. Flask laps at it. Flask takes the tea, pours it into the saucer and then laps at it

Bless that cat That's how people used to drink I'm sorry what? Yeah You would put it Sorry You would take your hot tea or coffee You look like you know this fact Cass

You don't look as shocked as I do at this revelation I think Adam's lying Nah You would pour it onto the saucer let it cool and you would drink it from the saucer. No.

I don't believe that. Tea was never that hot. Water didn't get colder. In fact, it seems that people would drink from both the cup and the saucer. After being served a hot beverage, example coffee or tea, in a cup on top of the saucer, some would pour a small amount of the beverage onto the saucer and drink from the saucer.

There's evidence that this was reasonably common into the 20th century, and evidence that some still do, for a variety of possible reasons. Though I've never seen this practice in person, the following is what I have aggregated from a bit of online searching. And then, it continues

onwards. You can see it continues onwards. Oh. You can see it in paintings. I hate it. Specifically, William Sidney Mount, 1838, and Konstantin Makovsky in 1914. I just want to change the deal. You want to change the deal?

Sure. Well, you change the deal? Sure. You still get what you want. But I want to add a layer because, you know, it's come to my attention, our attention recently, that this isn't just a Ras Nazir problem. There's more layers to it. And those layers require a bit more hard work from all of our accounts. Sure, you've got the army, but you're just swanning around up top. What is your plan? If we go and sort this soulmonger shit out,

use the cubes, yada, yada, bada, bing, bada, boom, how you going? Very well, thank you. I just made myself laugh. That's really bad. That's a bit silly. Oh, whoops. While we're doing that, you should raid Ras Nazis Fort Palace, liberate all of the slaves who are trapped down there,

and now no, kill him. I believe this to the people I choose to keep behind. What do you mean keep behind? She stands up with, having finished her tea, she sets it down and stands up. Did she drink it out of the saucer like a fucking weirdo? She absolutely did. I will

be accompanying you into the tomb. Wait, you knew it was in a tomb all along? I was aware that Azarak was the person who had this soulmonger. My fucking God. I crush the teacup in my hand.

That is rude. It was part of a set. I look at the other cups, Adam, and I crush all of them and just go, there, now you've got a set. That's funny. I'm so angry at this lady. I assume you did not know this. I don't say anything.

I have a dead body tied to my back. She puts up her hands. What do you want from me? I thought you knew. Why would we have? Just look at Tiffany and I'm just like, just my face says, I want to eat this lady. This is a

very good question. Why would you come here to Oumu if you did not know what you were doing? But this is part of our agreement, is it not? I clearly know more than you. You would also have zero puzzle cubes.

I would have three. No, zero. No, I have three. No, zero. We are arguing for no reason. This is agreeable to me. I will have Razznazi and his

little stain upon Omu destroyed, if possible. Thank you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. If possible, my fucking foot. You will have Rasnazi's stain removed. Full stop. End of deal.

I cannot control events that I am not privy to any more than you can. Then be privy to the event. I will be accompanying you into the tomb because clearly you have no idea what you are encountering. And when we leave the tomb? What then?

If Rasnazi has not been killed then, then he will be killed after. By? My people or my people with us. If you want, I will storm the halls right beside you. I do not care.

It is irrelevant to me. Rasnazi means nothing compared to the soulmonger. I would happily kill him just because he was there. I look toward Pop to give him a look like, I'm okay with this, but I'm too mad to speak, but this is, yes, we got what we wanted, but I'm not happy. But Pop's been leading this, so Pop can speak. Give you a saucer. Do you want to smush it?

I take the saucer and like turn. No, no, no, no. She would. No, that would be rude. No, I put the saucer on the table. Like I push your hand onto the table with the saucer. I want to smash it. Do you know what I like in my head is Pop was so mad he did something impolite

at a tea party. That's very true. Man,ite at a tea party. That's very true. Man. He's a layered man. We have a look. All right. Fine.

But before we go back, because you've been swanning around up here, we've been down there and there's been some casualties, we'd like to take a moment to catch our breath. Of course. We will have a meal here and we will sleep here i look at tomorrow we will continue what was flask of wine nods like he knew this was going to happen well that's nice i'm glad something nice could come out over food we will discuss the journey ahead of us. Does Flask look even happier? Over food!

Flask might have stopped listening. He knew what he knew would come to pass has come to pass. And he is just patiently waiting to be fed. Oh, God, he's so beautiful. The rest of your party comes up and more tables are set out. A bunch of the red wizards are here a meal is had the meal is predominantly quiet because the red wizards don't tend to chat while they're eating they're mercenaries and undead stand guard as do vaughn and their shield guardian and while that is happening the only people who really talk are the people that you the prisoners

that you freed from the fane of the night serpent. They're not exactly very eloquent, most of them. Like the- How's the yawn tea guy? Sev? Yeah. He's a bit funny. He seems shocked that there are so many red wizards. He looks around and says,

Do you know that there are evils? There are almost worse than the aunties. I just look and sort of shake my head like, we don't say no. The little boy, Tavo, is just shoveling food into his mouth. He is incredibly hungry. Kanush had four levels of exhaustion due to malnourishment, so he is eating probably more than is advisable and isn't talking much. Zilla seems to be keeping to herself.

She doesn't want to talk to anyone. She seems like a suspicious character. You don't know if you trust her. Adam, Adam, I do not trust her. I do not trust any. You don't know if. The only two prisoners that I trust are Omar, because I saw her use my hammer and she gave it back,

and the one that Arda's vouched for because Arda said he was okay. But even then, I will kill both of them like that if I have to. All right. Omar is eating politely and maybe chats. She seems interested in your story and if you ask her any questions she tells you about her story as well Pottery shard and flask of wine

exchange pleasant conversation in their native tongue Gorevax cannot speak to anyone and so just eats Who's Gorevax? A fire newt Oh that's right And finally Mung the goblin eats the way only a goblin can eat. Badly?

Oh, like it's a food fight. Reprehensible. So with those exceptions, there's not a lot of talk. So you're sitting kind of directly opposite Valindra. The people interested in the conversation are Olimar and Lomar. Zilla, yeah, both of you can tell. Zilla is listening, but she seems disengaged from the situation. What is Zilla again?

You don't know. Do you ask her much? What is she? Oh, she's a human. Oh, right. No, no, no. She's a human and she looks like a local. I mean, I don't ask her anything.

Do you ask Olimar anything? Have we buried dragon bait? Did that happen before or after dinner? Oh, do you want to do it before or after dinner? Maybe it's best to do it before dinner. I think we're doing it before dinner. Yeah. Okay.

Let's just rewind for a second, bury our friend. Absolutely. Before dinner, you dig a neat grave and lower dragon bait wrapped in a shroud into the grave, filling it in. Artist Sember gets a big stone and carves dragon bait into it and then puts it at the head of the grave. Do you want to drop a leaf in? Cass.

Adam. Before we bury him, I drop a leaf in. A big, big leaf. Biggest leaf I can fucking find. Okay. Before the funeral, I send Vaughn out to get the biggest leaf he can find. He comes back just fine. Dragon bait is buried in the leaf.

Vaughn comes back with a large fern leaf. Perfect. I bury him with the leaf. Fern's soft as well. Perfect. I bury him with the leaf. Fern's soft as well. Padre Shard sings a sad song while you do it. No one, well, unless either of you are saying anything, no one says anything.

Ardacimber sobs quietly while it's happening. I put my hand on Ardacimber's back for the whole thing. Maybe hold his hand if it seems like he would be receptive to that. But he might be using his hands for crying. Artisimba lets you hold his hand. I hold his hand with both of my hands. If you hold his hand, Artisimba brings you into a side hug and then he reaches

up and gently like strokes the top of your head the way a father might his daughter. Yeah, I shudder at first because that feels like an attack but then it's nice so i i let it happen but i'm suspicious the whole like i know i know it's good but all my unsafe alarms are going off within me because that's not usually that if you seem if you seem like you don't like it our december stops oh no no no i don't want to give off that vibe.

It's just as soon as it happens, I sort of go, oh, no, this is good. This is good. Say a prayer to Gregory Bones and then it's time for dinner. All right. Do you want to say anything, Tiffany? No one else speaks. If no one else speaks, then I don't think I will. Okay.

I would wait for Artis to speak, but then maybe as we're heading away, I'll kneel at the bottom of the grave and you're really great thank you for everything uh if was it would it have been possible for me to have taken a lemon from the kitchen from what kitchen the where they have the food they're all there it's kind of like, yeah, they have a lemon, sure. Okay. I pop a, I cut open a lemon and sort of pop it at his grave. I hope it smells like lemons where you are. You deserve all the lemons in the world.

Lemon is the happiest smell. I was like, lemon's pleasure and happiness, isn't it? Yep. Just before we leave, the only thing I said, maybe a little quiet mumbled pro to Gregory Burns, that's just whatever because Gregory can fuck off. Just before we leave, you were good and nice instead of just being nice or good and that's that was yeah good back at dinner the red wizards themselves don't make a lot of noise their mercenaries and the

dead are outside keeping watch as are vaughn and their shield guardian. Tavo is, the little boy, is like shoveling food into his mouth at a rapid rate that is only beaten by Canoosh, who has four levels of exhaustion due to malnourishment. So both of them are just eating and eating and eating. Sev seems perturbed by the red wizards. Sev leans in and says, Do you notice that there are evils just like the Yontis? Then Olimar.

Olimar is interested. I just look at Tiffany like. I shake my head and shrug like, this is what we got. So this is what we're doing. Just mouth, he doesn't fucking know. I know. I'm mouthing back, yes, I know. Olimar is kind of in the middle of the table with you two,

with Valindra and with her second-in-command, Zagmira, kind of interested in your conversation. Then there's Pottery Shard, who is having a chat with Flask of Wine in their native language. There's Gorvax, the fire newt, who does not speak anyone's language and no one speaks his language. So he is just quite. Doesn't he speak Draconic?

He. Uh. He. Actually, that's a good question. Hey, weird guy. What fucked languages do you speak? He does speak Draconic. Just the idea of you being like, hey.

Hey. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. More? Okay. He does not speak the same language of anyone who is speaking to him.

So he is quiet. Then there is... Good way to put it. Lomar Drow, who is kind of also interested in your conversation. He's there speaking with you. There's Zilla, who you can tell... Zilla is sitting a little away from you, and you can tell that she's listening to your conversation,

but she doesn't seem engaged in your conversation. She seems very, like a very shady person. If anyone asks her about herself, she deflects questions pretty expertly. Oh, yeah, like someone who we know. Every time she does it, I give you a look. I don't get it. Remind you of anyone? What do you mean?

I'm a very open book. I choke on a potato. It's mostly pictures in my book. You expertly nearly kill yourself by eating a potato, Tiffany. So Olimar is very curious about your adventures and your lives, and she's open to any questions you ask her. Do you ask her anything? Sorry, she wants to know about us?

Yeah. I tell her all about my dad. All right, Olimar. And my mum. Olimar can tell that this is an open and festering wound. What? I like to imagine that you're giving him less information and it's just like, what about you, pop?

Archaeologist. Do you ask Olimar any questions about herself? No, I don't care by this point. Oh, right. Everyone keeps dying. if i keep making friends fair well you don't know if these people are coming into the tomb with you you're not bad with a hammer uh no i'm not i i well you you've got to you've got to know how to how to uh keep yourself about yourself while you're doing my line of work. And what's your line of work? I work as a sailor of a sort.

You have a boat. Not anymore. She's wrecked. Of a sort. I'm interested now. I'm like, why make friends? What's the point? I'm like, oh, my God, because I love everyone.

What sailor? It's a type of skyboat. Flies through the air. Do we know about those? Is that new? Is that new tech? Tiffany, you are aware of it as a gnomish device, some sort of strange invention that is incredibly rare.

Pop, you would not know them as a gnomish invention. You would know them as kind of more of a broad thing that is incredibly rare, highly sought after, and if she is from such a ship, then she is a very skilled sailor indeed. The Gnomish kind? No, it wasn't designed by any Gnom

that I know of, but it was a vessel that flew through the air. We wrecked, however, over Chult. I had to bail while we were going down, and I was captured by the auntie then. What was the name of your ship? The Star Goddess. Is that a ship in the fucking jungle, Adam?

It's fucking weird that a ship would be stuck in a tree, so you can easily put that two and two together. You crashed into a tree? I bailed before we crashed anywhere, but I would have had to assume, yeah, that we would have crashed into a tree. What if we found your ship again? Why, I would assume that the captain would be very pleased about that. I'm not sure what state the ship is in at this point.

Could you get it, you know? We might be able to. I'm not sure. I'd have to have a look at the state of it. Good to know. Huh. What? It's helping someone.

No, I think it would be good to help someone. Both of you can see that Zilla has become engaged in the conversation. Oh, what? We're good enough for you now, aren't we, sweetheart? If she notices you noticing her, she goes back to her meal and pretends like she can't hear you. Wait, do you know about the skyships too? She looks up at you and shakes her head.

With your insight, you can tell that she is straight up lying. No, she's not necessarily lying. She just seems interested in your conversation, but for reason, she's like obviously trying to hide something, but not her knowledge. Also there is Valindra and Zagamira. Do you want to, Valindra and Zagmira. Do you want to... Valindra maybe begins a conversation with you by asking,

is there anything you want to know about the Tomb of the Nine Gods? What to expect? You know, something handy like, I don't know, knowing that a lich was behind this whole fucking thing and Rasnazi was pointless. As I said before, I did not know the agreement that Rasnazi was pointless. As I said before, I did not know the agreement that Rasnazi

and the Lich had. I only knew that Rasnazi was working to protect the tomb for reasons unknown. I thought that was the same information that you had. But clearly, I was wrong. I am so

sorry. I will expect less in the future. I hate this woman so much. You do not need to like me. You need only to trust that I will follow what I say. And it's the same with you. We trust you. But now underestimating us, is there anything that you think that we should know? Adam, just sorry, Cass.

Pop really respects this woman. Azurak is a, as I said, unlikable but trustworthy. Tick, tick. Will not tell you shit because how dare you not know it, you're stupid. Yeah, but also not nice. Doing right thing. Uh-huh. Separate things. Yep, also also not nice. Doing right thing. Uh-huh. Separate things.

Yep, also collecting an artifact for some unknown purpose. Are you guys the same person? Doesn't affect us. Are you going to get married? Is she your bae? Don't marry her. She wasn't in the- Holy shit, she's really not a good person.

All right. Spoilers. So- The woman who wants a soulmonger isn't Adam. Azorak is a leech. I know much about his state of mind, or at least his position, but I do not know exactly many of his machinations, as it were. He is a creature who enjoys inflicting torment and death upon those who merely come across him.

He is very well known for constructing tombs such as the Temple of the Nine Gods simply to lure and kill adventurers. He has had many centuries of experience doing this, and he is very good at it. I would expect that the Temple of the Nine Gods would be a challenge, almost. On purpose, Azorak has constructed this place himself, made his minions build it, and made his minions update it and keep it running. He will undoubtedly stock it with many treasures, very

desirable. Four of which I happen to know about. Secret fabled treasures you can find within its depths. Go on. These treasures specifically? Yes. Well, I would consider... Alright, very well.

I would not consider that as important. I'm so mad. I'm so mad. I'm so mad. The black opal crown, which was once worn by the archmage Saladamor of Nethril. Legend speaks of how Saladamor saw the depths of humanities. She rolls her eyes and says, evil, reflected in the opal of his crown. Heartbroken, he created a doomsday device toed the great pyramid at Nexal, capital city of the Mazdican Empire, long lost.

The gem is a relic of the cult of Zaltek, and its dagger-like point was plunged into the hearts of many countless sacrifices. And then there is the navel of the moon. Flask of wine sits up a little straighter. Said to be carved from a chunk of the moon, this polished egg-shaped stone was given as a gift by the ruling Silpasha of Kalemport to his sailor

daughter. It is said that anyone who holds this stone can always find their way home or to their loved ones. Whether this is true, I don't know. Do we see Flask react? Flask of Wine is like... Do you know that one, Flask? Yes, I do know that one.

This is what Bag of Nails was looking for. Oh. That's another thing you didn't tell us about Bag of Nails. I'm sorry. I assume that after his death, his information became less and less irrelevant. It's all right, Flask. You're not the most annoying person at this table. Tavo, the little boy, stops eating for a second. So do I.

Neither of you are the most annoying. Finally. Tavo and I make eye contact like, yeah. He gives like a little fist pump and then holds out his hand for you are the most. Finally. Tom Horne, I make eye contact like, yeah. He gives like a little fist pump and then holds out his hand for you to high five. Oh, yes. I'm high fiving that child. I look at both of them and be like, get warmer. I high five the kid.

And then I think to myself, am I his mom? All right. I don't know. Finally, there is the skull chalice of Chagakke. This jeweled goblet. I just wrote skull chalice. It's too hard. This jeweled goblet was crafted from the skull of a long-dead Olmen king

and served as a symbol of office for the royal line of Olmu. The legendary Cholten hero Chagakere is said to have beheaded the king after escaping the nine hells on the back of a mastodon. These trinkets, whatever their power may or may not be, are certainly what has drawn many adventurers to the tomb of the nine gods, to presumably their deaths. Azorak delights in killing creatures such as yourselves. And I am quite certain that the traps and dangers within will be potentially more than even you can handle.

But ultimately, I understand his mind maybe better than most, so I will be able to stay with you as a guide and, of course, to help you kill him if need be. How he acquired the soulmonger or what his purposes of using it are for, I do not

know. Presumably, he is immune to its effects, despite the fact that other liches might not be. I mean, it'd be pretty fucking dumb to be, you know, working around or for the thing that is slowly killing you. That'd be really fucking dumb. You'd be a very dumb fucking snake wizard if you fell into that stupid fucking plan. And now a quick word from our sponsor also hey dnd is fun but if you're wishing that we could hear jackson or zamet waxing poetic about

video games they've played and give them a score based on a frankly baffling rating system i refuse to understand then do i have news for you thumb cramps isamps is a show by Jackson, Zamet, Dushar, and occasionally Cass, where they, as my dad calls it, ignore Total Overdose, the most pivotal game of the early 2000s. So if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad keeps calling them total hacks, then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Thumb Cramps. Azarak is a lich, and all liches, such as ourselves,

can think extremely long term. No, no, I'm not thinking about Azarak. Get a good boy card. She looks at you. Yes. She waves a hand in front of her face, and her beautiful elven features change to what they truly are. She is a corpse that has been dead for some time.

I've got my sword. I get really jealous that she can do that to her face. That's not fair. I love her. Put that trinket away. How did you do that? I could teach you. Really? She waves her hand back over

her face and her face reverts to the beautiful elven form it was previously. I could help you even if you wanted to permanently change your appearance so that you need not illusion to change yourself. Really? There are spells to change one race to another.

Oh, my race. Is this not what you want? I have to assume. I have spoken with very few of those from Candle, but from the conversation I've heard so far, I can tell that you would want to blend in. I can tell that you would want to blend in. I do.

Oh, I'll, no, I'll have a think. Thank you. Tiffany is struggling because her dad will love her more if she is human, but he won't recognize her. What if, Tiffany, your dad would never love you? Have you considered that? He picked me once. He'll pick me again.

I just have to figure out what it was I got right when I was an infant that made him pick me, okay? All right. All right, you're a skeletal. That was a thing I did not expect. That's very rude. Has this changed our agreement? Do you trust me? Not trust. Well, do you trust me? Not trust.

No. Do you trust my word any less? I still completely trust you with this. As I do with you. It's so weird that Pop just learns all this information because I have the underlying understanding that she is telling the truth, that she's not the enemy at the moment, that that's fine.

Val, our business is aligned via allies, the enemy of my enemy and whatnot. The soulmonger destroys me just as much as it destroys any undead. I obviously do not want it active. However, I feel I can use its powers to my own gain zagreb the other is that the only other red wizard with us zag mirror yeah no there's a bunch of them around oh damn it i was gonna ask her why she's with the red wizards but i'm not gonna do that in front of people because that would be impolite it's a very good question that you should remember

oh i will i will later when we're alone. In your rest, get to attune to Holy Avenger. And I'm going to say. I forgot. Yeah. And we all get real healthy and, wow, strong. All of you will get fully recovered. You're all fully healed, completely, utterly.

Max hit points and everything. All red wizards tend to you. Hey, any of these red wizards strong enough to, like, fix my permanent upfuckery? Oh, none of them have healing magic. They just have, you're just getting the effects of a good rest, basically. In the time it takes you to figure out your, you know, like, situation, everyone to get equipped and such like that,

what would you like to say to the prisoners that you freed? Lomar Droll is coming with you. He insists he will not take no for an answer, and Artis Simbra still vouches for him. I want to check that everyone's okay. Everyone seems fine. After your restful, or like after the rest that you have. Well, then everyone can get back to, I guess, their families or something nice. All right.

Omar. Yes? Come with us. I'll be fine. You ship. All right. I'll come with you. Great.

What are you talking to anyone else? Pottery Shard? Sev? Tavo? Mong? I give Tavo a hug because maybe I'm his mom now. All right. And I say I love you.

Maybe as a gesture of goodwill to you, Valindra organizes for the Red Wizards to get those people out. That's very kind. Thank you. That kid. Except for Sev, who is taken round, unless anyone says anything, who is taken round behind this building and shot in the back of the head with a fireball.

He will eventually go evil, won't he? You're not sure. He seems genuinely, like, insane, but you don't know if that is an indefinite thing or a fiddle, quotation marks, whereof. We've taken with us. He's not coming with. No, no, he's insane.

Before, the boy. I'm pointing at the boy and I'm pointing at you. What? Tavo. You got any family? Tavo nods. Where are they? At home.

Where's home? Newport, Nyanzaru. Right. If he's got no Newport, Nyanzaru. Right. If he's got no family, you know a family. I don't think that's – I don't think she's – She's a mum. She's got kids. She could look after – that's how it works.

Pop. What? So many people can be a mum. So many – I lift up my arm to show my mum tattoo. I'm a mum. What? Who else is a mum?

What, am I a mum? No. Adam and Adam, that's a lie. Tiffany's pretty good at deceiving people, I think. I don't. No, I don't try and hide that. Okay, I think. I don't. No, I don't try and hide that. Okay.

I say no like, sorry. Maybe I don't giggle so much. I just smile and say no, but obviously it's a yes. Fuck am I a mum. So who's coming with us? Logomogo? All right. So.

Lomadral. The party that we'll be venturing in is Olimar velindra yep zagmira lomadral flask of wine artist simba and would you like to try and bring vaughn with you yeah adam of course okay you head towards the tomb of the nine gods did you have any other questions about the tomb? Do you know where they'll be keeping the soulmonger? I would have to imagine that it would be kept within the depths, deepest down. It is highly sought after, though I would not know.

Beyond the obelisk that marks the entrance to the Tomb of the Nine Gods, my knowledge ends. Great. Glad we asked her. Cool. Helpful. Are we asked her. Cool. Helpful. Are we like a bit separate from others? If you want, you can get her on her own, yeah.

Yeah. So just while we're trusting one another, not friends, but working together, a relationship I completely understand, as it is the only relationship I understand, why are you working with the wizards? I wish to have the soulmonger for my own designs. They want it for theirs and they think they can trust me, but they cannot. What makes me different?

You don't want the soulmonger, do you? No, I meant about the trusting part. What do you mean? Why? They think they can trust you, but they can't. And we think we can trust you, but they can't. We think we can trust you, but we can. I have told you what I have told you. If you trust my words, then you can trust me. You can trust me.

You can trust me at least as you understand my motives. They cannot trust me because they cannot understand my motives. All right. trust me, because they cannot understand my motives. If I get a whiff of betrayal, I'll tell old Half-Face what's really going on. Okay.

I'm not particularly scared of that. No, I know, but it'd be really fucking annoying to have to deal with all of those red wizards. Not within the tomb of the nine gods. You're so fucking annoying. She beat you.

She did. She does it on a regular basis. Near the base of the cliffs, a 15-foot-tall obelisk of cracked stone is draped with vines and black moss. Behind it, you can see a dark passageway obscured by withered creepers. A second second smaller tunnel buries into the base of a cliff to the east so there's the giant stone obelisk behind it a grand if somewhat dark passageway and then off to your right in the eastern part of the cliff there is a smaller passageway. Is it all carved in?

It's carved in. They're all purposely made. One of them seems like a side entrance, Adam. Something like that. You're not sure. Surely that's too obvious. What? The more friendly and secretive looking path can't be the right one.

I feel the front door's pretty obvious. You're right. Look, whatever you think, you've been in more tombs than I have. True, but stakes aren't usually this high in the tombs that I'm going in. Also. What? Don't you think you're touching any of those treasures? What are you talking about?

Don't go after them. What do you mean? Hey, if we're going in here, you know, in a big spooky one of a kind, never been in before. They're not going to be lying there. They're all going to be traps. That's part of the, that's the point. That's the thing. It makes you feel alive.

Well, you didn't say the part of the fun. Oh, my God. I didn't say part of the fun. I didn't. I was going to. But you thought it. Okay. You do watch Valindra, Zagmira, Lomar, and Flask of Wine

follow this conversation as they definitely understand it. Well, no, it's not even secret. It's just I'm getting in trouble. What about if, you know, we find one on the way? If it's on the way and it's not going to get anyone killed, then you can do it alone. Well, yeah, because if I did it with somebody else, I'd have to share. Let's go, shall we?

I say to everyone, realizing that they all can understand us the whole time. All right. Where are you going? I'll look at Flask and give him a wink. He's going to fucking help me steal his treasure. He loves treasure. Flask of wine winks back. He's very certain he has no idea what he's winking about.

But he wants to be in on it, whatever it is. I love him. Are we going down the side path? Do you want to inspect the obelisk even? Oh, yeah. Yeah, up. As you approach the obelisk, you can feel waves of magical energy washing over it.

Whatever it is, it's clearly powerful. Inscribed upon it is a message that I can give give you as you approach maybe valindra up the back grunt not grunts but like scoffs and says of course exactly like azarach to keep such a ostentatious warning fear the night when the forsaken one seizes death's mantle and the seas dry up and the dead rise and I, Azarak, the eternal, reap the world of the living. Those who dare enter take heed. The enemies oppose.

One stands between them. In darkness it hides. Don the mask or be seen. Speak no truth to the doomed child. Keys turn on the inside only. I mean, if it's littered with traps, then how do we even know this is right? Valindra shakes her head. It is right.

Azorak is cocky. I would assume these to be genuine, very genuine clues to the puzzles ahead. Something standing between two enemies. It's hiding in the darkness. If we don't wear a mask, we'll be seen. We can't tell the truth to a doomed child. And keys turn on the inside only. I hope as we go through it presents itself what it means.

What's the plan? So you've just inspected the obelisk. You have the large pathway before you and a smaller one to the right. You can probably see down that main pathway. A short tunnel ends at a slab of worked stone whose edges are marked by a relief of carved grinning skulls. Four lines engraved at the center of the slab cross one another to form a star, with both ends of each line marking the location of a cube-shaped cavity cut into the door.

Eight cavities in total. I turned to Shadow Mantle, and I'm like, you know what? You're not half wrong. I mean, if you've got it, you don't have to flaunt it, right? She nods. We have an understanding. This guy's a wanker. What do you reckon?

Does it look like the cubes would fit in the cavities? Yeah, from this distance you could tell. Yes. I suppose we know where the cubes go, but there's only eight. Belindra holds out her hand, and in her hand there are the final three cubes. We'll sort of walk toward, I imagine, at a slow pace initially to keep wary for traps. All right.

You go down the main corridor. You detect no traps. Tiffany, are you leading this party? Yes. No, no, I'm not because I've got the cubes. I'm in front. All right. You're standing before the giant stone slab.

The stone slab has eight spaces for cubes with lines going between them, making like a circle. Not a ninth cube. No, no slot for a ninth cube. How do we work out which cubes go where is there anything on the door anything is orvex with us orvex yeah that's right orvex is with you hey orvex well you know orvex shrugs he says i i would assume maybe i don't know something about the cubes would lead us to know which one's something, something.

Does it look like he genuinely has tried to help us just now? Thank you, Orbex. I don't want to do that thing where, like, I think one person turned around to pop and, like, shake my head like, what the fuck is this? I'd do that to you. Oh, yeah, that's probably more likely. Orbex says aloud, long ago the god Ubtau hardened his heart.

One morning the wise Zorbo emerges, tries to make a stew, but the Elmiraj sneaks reckless in and they became enemies at noon. The Kamadan. Wait, wait. Start the story again. I start putting the cubes in the order that he's saying the story in. Yeah. One morning, the wise Zorbo.

Yep. Zorbo in. The wise Zorbo emerged from her hollow, catching virtues. The Almaraj snuck recklessness in. Then at noon, the brave Kamadan hopped down from her rock. Oh, I have my kitties. In her rage, Shigambi the Kamadan forgot. Sorry.

And then. A grung? Yeah, the grung. Then the grung. Then the wily Elblis from a reed hut. And then the frog. The frog was angry. Forgameth.

Yeah. And then at night the Sioux monster broke into Ubtow's palace. And Moa the jackalai was too honest to lie. Jackal. Snake. So we've got the flail snail left. And then Unk the flail snail lived deep under the ground and heard the noise of the, but didn't make a disturbance. Yeah.

Okay. So we put them in clockwise order starting from 12. Leaving the flail snail out. Nothing happens. Huh. And then stepping forward, Valindra draws her finger along the line. There is a purpose to these lines, perhaps.

Each of the gods has another god that it does not like. I was just about. So, okay. So it's like type switching in Pokemon. Okay. Zorbo, and on the opposite side of the Zorbo, put the rabbit, the horny rabbit, because he fucked with the thing. Yep.

Then the Kamadan and the Grung are on opposite sides because they're not friends. Then the Fragimeth and the bird are not friends. And the monkey and the snakeung are on opposite sides because they're not friends. Then the phragmoth and the bird are not friends. And the monkey and the snake aren't friends. But the flail snail overrules them all and isn't an enemy of any of them. When you put, finally, Wongo the Sioux Monster in as the final one, you hear a clicking sound and then slowly a door begins to close behind you. Oh. Everyone's going to need to make a check if they want to try and flee.

Otherwise, you will be trapped inside. Forever? You don't know. This seems. Hey, Adam. Hmm? I put an immovable rod under the door. The door hits the immovable rod and then it stops there.

But you can hear a mechanism whirring and struggling above it. The mechanism cannot beat the immovable rod though. Does anything else happen? There's a loud cackling sound from the carved skulls around the door. And then gas begins to fill the corridor. Everyone's going to need to make a constitution saving throw. Pop, you will pass. Tiffany, you pass by the hairs of your chinny-chin-chin.

Oh, no, that's rude. Olimar fails. Oh. Oh. Valindra fails. Ha! Zagmira fails. But isn't the gas floating out the door? Lomar fails. Ha! Zagmira fails. But isn't the gas floating out the door?

Lomar fails. It doesn't matter. Flask of wine passes. I love that all the new people we picked up suck. Ardis fails. Does Orvex fail? Yeah, of course he does. He's useless.

Orvex fails. Does Vaughn fail? Vaughn's outside. He can't fit in. Not everyone can fit in here, no. Should have Does Vaughn fail? Vaughn's outside. Not everyone can fit in here, no. Should have made Vaughn hold the door up. It would have broken him. Everyone who fails takes 34 points of damage. Oh my gosh!

Half as much on a successful save. Oh wait, what? No, but we passed. Yeah, so you passed for half damage. 17 points of damage? 17 points of damage, yep. Olimar is killed yep. Oh, yep. Olimar is killed instantly. Oh.

No saving throw. Outright killed. So you mean Olimar was just a person? Olimar was a level one ranger that you took into a dungeon designed for level six minimum. So the gas actually- Just wanted her to help me go to the ship. Oh, you know what? Actually, I forgot. I need to roll.

Heys or lows? Heys. She might not die. No, she dies. Oh, well. I'm just really sad because, like, she could have just gone home. Yeah. Like, Pop's not sad.

Tom's sad. I'm sorry, buddy. I just wanted to take her back to her boat and then we could have a flying boat. Well, we'll get a flying boat. Don't worry. You can have a flying boat with a museum on it so you can take the back to a boat and then we could have a flying boat. Well, we'll get a flying boat. Don't worry. You can have a flying boat with a museum on it so you can take the museum to everyone. Is that better?

You want to take the museum to everyone? Still going to that flying boat. The gas actually doesn't go away, so you guys need to start getting out of here. Yeah, we do. After about a minute, the gas finally dissipates and the door slowly goes back up. Does an entry become apparent?

Nope. There's still those doors there if you wanted to try and force them open or something. It's the fucking side door. Okay. Okay. So there's another way to do the puzzle. Or we go to that other side, little side entrance. We go around the outside into the side entrance.

I would not put it past Azorak to make a false entrance. Well, then let's try the other door. I'll take all the cubes back. All right. No, that's not. You know what I want to do? What? I don't want to go to the side entrance.

I want to try the cubes again. Okay. I think we should try the cubes again then. If you have a belief in the cubes, I believe in you. You stay the side entrance i want to try the cubes again okay i think we should try the cubes again then if you have a belief in the cubes i believe in you you stay outside okay i'll try the cubes again but we'll keep the rod at the door so yeah no of course um are we able to jump and put the rod higher up in the door so that the entire thing is open so hopefully we'll sure you ventilation. Absolutely, yeah. All right.

Click. We'll pop it up real high. You can put it as high as you want. Great. What combination should we use? I'll do the same combination. What? I'll do the same combination.

My theory is it's a real combination, but it's a trap. So when you do it the first time, you're fucked. Do it again the second time, trap's already done. And if I'm wrong, I've got a big open doorway and I can leave. Also, I'm the biggest. If you think it'll work, then go for it. I usher everyone outside and we wait. We wait.

Adam, I put the cubes in the same sequence. They all pop out and then the gas, you hear a ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho coming from the skulls and then gas fills the room again. How long will our heroes be stuck solving the trap in the first room of the dungeon? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Choked. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show

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