D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult III #11 A New Mandarin

Episode Date: December 19, 2020

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Sance Pants Radio, Australia's most American podcast network. forward slash shop. That includes such gems as Wet Parents, a D&D campaign featuring yours truly, and Tom and Demi, where we're a bunch of sea creatures who learn about family, the long-awaited sequel to Dinosaur Park, Dinosaur Park 2, Dinosaur Land, and the first 100 episodes of my Unsolved Mystery podcast, Jackson Bailey Spooks America. Once again, that's plus plus 50 at checkout for 50% off all digital downloads at sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop. Welcome to season three, episode 11 of Zombie Plagued Chult. She maybe urges you to take it. Is anyone else awake?

No, no one is. As soon as you put your hands on the skull, realize your mistake. The skull begins to float into the air. You're stupid, aren't you? Who's talking? I am. And you are? I'm the skull.

Can't you see? I asked. Fine. What do you want? The skull says nothing. You going to come with me? Of course. And she's seen a curse before.

Pop, is that you? We're not pop. I dissember. We're not pop. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, then who might we be talking to? He's all going to show you a fucking mouth. Do you want to take the double doors?

Do you want to approach the two guards standing across from each other? No, we want to go to the tomb. All right. So, Artis Simbra leading the way. You head directly towards the tomb. You sprint away. Yeah, I want to set stuff on fire.

Okay. So, as soon as you turn around and start running, the room rumbles a little bit. And Valindra says, you have fucked up the ritual. Burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn. I'm telling Gregory. Orvex is dead.

White as a ghost. Lying in the middle of the room. No! There is froth coming out of his mouth and his eyes have rolled back into his head. I'm a turtle. Yep. With two goat eyes, a furry body, horns.

But I think I'm a lizard and I was just a frog. Yep. All you hear is the skull say, yeah, that was going to happen, wasn't it, I guess. Tiffany, the tomb guardians on either side of you close in for the kill. What are they going to do, kill me? I can't die. Pop, pop, pop, you and Artisa first?

Yeah, just straight in. All right. Just going to hack the fuck out of these things. And what are you using? Holy Avenger. Okay. You strike, let's say, the southern one. What do you want Artis Simber to do?

I'd like him to use a shadow arrow on the one that I'm also attacking. Pop, miss, miss, critical hit. Yeah, baby. Sweep the legs. Maximum damage, and the target must make a DC 12 dexterity saving throw, which it fails. On a failed save, the target is knocked prone. So you deal 20 points of damage to it, and it topples over.

You want Artis to fire at the same one? Well, no, no, no, no, no. Now that it's prone, no. Fire at the other one. Okay. He fires at the northern one. His first attack hits. His second attack will miss.

But his first attack, the shadow arrow, strikes home. You can see that he deals some damage, specifically nine points of damage. Tiffany, one of the two tomb guardians, the northern one, steps forward in front of you. It grabs one of your arms, and it grabs your other arm. Then it pulls. You take 30 points of damage. You feel both of your collarbones break. Well, that's not how I like to dance.

And then pop, pop, pop. The other one stands up and swings at you. It uppercuts you, dealing 12 points of damage. Whee! I wonder when the last time you had full hit points was. It's been a while. Two arrows from Flask of Wine bounce off one of the Tomb Guardians, and Tiffany, it's your turn.

Is web pretty much what it sounds like, Philippa Lindra? And she trapped them in a web so they can't move. I believe so, yeah, but I don't know if web is the best spell right now. You probably want her to cast Circle of Death, to be honest. I would love for that. Will that kill me? No, she can target not you with that. Can I say the name of that spell is so good and surely is an indicator that you should be using that before anything else.

Valindra splays her fingers out in strange and arcane positions while muttering words of power. Then she reaches into her pack and produces powder of crushed black pearl. She scatters that before you. And both of the creatures need to make a saving throw. They both fail. They are going to take 12d6 necrotic damage. Holy shit.

She deals both of them 56 points of damage. Fuck. That's so much. Is one of them dead? No, they're both still standing, but something's about to happen on their turn. Well, I will use green flame blade on the one who attacked me. Actually, no, I'll use hellish rebuke.

Needs to be done as a reaction when you get attacked. You know what? I'll allow it, though. But it just attacked me. Can I just say something? Cass. Yeah. Adam.

Yeah. People listening. You will know this because it's happened multiple times, but every time Cass remembers that she has hellish rebuke, Adam says, no, you have to use this reaction. Cass gets a little sad and Adam goes, just this once, I'll allow it. I've just looked at my notes because I've got like sort of front page notes that I always ignore.

One of them is remember to sneak, which I do now. Well, what do you have to do to sneak? Remember to sneak? When was the last time you snuck? Whenever I use green flame blade instead of wish bolt. Oh, I thought you meant sneaking because you're good at stealth. But I am. So that's just a general reminder.

Double heal whenever I am resting, which I assume has been happening. Well, I didn't. I healed all my points last time, so it doesn't mean... You have so little points that it doesn't matter that much anyway. Yeah, that's true. I can't die because of the periaptive wound closure, which I have died before whilst forgetting that. I'm lucky.

I keep forgetting about uncanny dodge. Do you know that just halves what people do to me? One attack. As a reaction, you could only have done one. Do you know that just halves what people do to me? One attack. As a reaction, you could only have done one. Yep. So you actually did have a choice of Hellish Rebuke or halving one of the damages. Look, it depends if this is worth it or not,

but you deal 19 points of fire damage as flames wreath the Tomb Guardian. Then when you lower your rapier and charge forwards, unfortunately the Tomb Guardian lower your rapier and charge forwards unfortunately the tomb guardian grabs your rapier draws you in and then tries to grab you for a bear hug would you like to use your luck point yes please i'm on 26 you hit by the hairs of your chinny chin chin as it drags you in closer for that bear hug you manage to spear it deep with your rapier. I assume green flame blade? Ah, yes, please, Adam, if I may.

You of course may. You deal 35 points of damage. And he dies? To death? I don't think so. How hard does he die, though? Oh, wait, no, he does. He dies to death.

Yay! Yay! You destroy one of the two tomb guardians. It topples over and its heavy, heavy body, with metal plates bolted on it, slams onto the ground. You should have had disadvantage. Fuck. But everyone got.

Adam, do you have a character sheet, mate? Because what Cass does when she forgets really obvious shit that she should remember is she writes it down for herself. Okay. So for those of you playing at home, fuck. So Adam has just held up a crisp sheet of paper in red writing, very large, you'd say. Very large.

36-point font, I would think. Oh, at least. 36 to 40. In big letters, Cass has disadvantage. So who's the dog-brained idiot now, Adam, besides both of us? Woof, woof. You two. I can't want you to forget.

Oh, look, it's black, so I might. It's not very eye-catching, you know. I need literally to look down at the piece of paper and for the piece of paper to slap me in the face. All right. So that was one of the two destroyed. down at the piece of paper and with a piece of paper to slap me in the face. Alright, so that was one of the two destroyed. Then it is the chain

slumps a little bit as one of the two falls over. I noticed that no one really interacted with that chain. Pop and Artist, it's your turn. Who's going to interact with a chain? They were attached together by the neck. I tried to go over the chain.

Yeah, but you didn't, like, attack. You didn't break it. Why am I not even tracking a chain? You don't know. I don't want to attack. They're stuck together. That way if one of them tries to run, they're both buckled. I mean, after combat began.

It's just cool when you break it, they both go to berserk. And they could attack anything. But it doesn't matter now. Adam. It's your turn. Adam. Why would we want that? Why the fuck would we want that? Well and they could attack anything. But it doesn't matter now. Adam. It's your turn. Why would we want that? Why the fuck would we want that? Well, they attacked you anyway.

They'll go berserk, they might attack each other. Yeah. You say that like they wouldn't have. You say that like you're not the DM controlling what they do. Maybe. You don't know.

Pop, it's your turn. Pop, just act, please. The other one's nearly dead. I'll stab it in the face. All right. You try to attack it. We'll see if it hits, you know. It one's nearly dead. I'll stab it in the face. All right, you try to attack it. We'll see if it hits, you know. It will.

First attack, hit. Second attack, miss. Okay, but I hit the first time. You do. You deal 14 points of damage. Is it dead? No, but it's very close. Unfortunately, you have left it for Artis Cimber.

Yeah, it's his turn, and he's going to do another Shadow Arrow. Artis Cimber launches into action, firing arrow after arrow after arrow. He turns the chest of the creature into a pincushion as he slowly fires up its chest. When the creature slumps up against the back wall, dead, you can see that Artisember has spelt an A on the creature's chest in arrows. Nicely done.

Well, Tiffany, you can see. Pop, pop, pop. Presumably your character now believes that you are illiterate or something. Yes. No, no, no, no. Pup can read. Okay.

Pup can absolutely. Pup was trained in one of the nicest finishing schools in the world. I'm going to give you both 2,000 experience points. Oh. That is so kind. Hey, Adam. Yeah.

Have we leveled up, buddy? You're goddamn right you have. Yes. Yes. Pop. Yes. You're going to get an ability. Well, Pop's going to get an ability, yes.

Pop's going to get an ability and a choice. I'm going to learn all these cool new shit. So you get hide in plain sight, which isn't really going to affect you much in the dungeon anyway. But when you get out, it'll be interesting. If we get out. Starting at 10th level. He said when.

You can spend one minute creating camouflage for yourself. You must have access to fresh mud, dirt, plants, soot, etc. Once you are camouflaged in this way you can try to hide by pressing yourself up against the solid surface such as a tree or a wall that is at least as tall and wide as you are you get plus 10 to your dexterity stealth checks as long as you remain here without moving taking actions reactions. You get an extra 10 hit points. Wait, no, sorry. I keep mucking it up. You get an extra 14 hit points.

You get to choose another environment that you are familiar with. Okay. You are currently already familiar with swamps and forests. I feel like it should be something that I've been to while I'm here, so I might go with, like, coast. I've added coast to the list tiffany you actually only get one new option ah you get a ability score improvement so you can up your stats or you get a feat you have a preference feet stop me when you hear something that you like the sound of actor you increase your charisma score by one you gain advantage on charisma

deception and charisma performance checks when you are trying to pass yourself off as a different person and you can mimic the speech of another person or the sounds made by other creatures yes you want actor i want actor all right you're gonna get another cantrip and you're gonna get another regular spell and also you'll get another spell slot. So you can now cast three second-level spells. Yay. Would you like me to suggest some spells that I think you might want? Yes, please.

There's Acid Splash, Message. You can have a whispered conversation with someone at distance. Minor Illusion. That kind of might be it. I might. The only one I could really recommend is message. Did you say that's a cantrip? Yep, that's a cantrip. And let me have a look at second level spells that I could

recommend. Invisibility. You could learn invisibility. You could learn maybe knock to unlock doors. That might be interesting to you. Knock to unlock doors? The spell requires you to knock, literally. Well, can I ask, is there any chance that it would have worked with any of the things we've tried to unlock? Several things have required knock or knock could have helped.

I'll go knock. After your little tussle, I'm going to say to level up you guys just retreat back into the room where you found the skull it was relatively peaceful you've really not made much progression but you guys are

pretty sick and wounded so I'm going to say that Arda Simber you know what Arda Simber makes the call. He gestures back to the room where you found the skull and says, I think it would be clever if all of us, after Orvex, took some time. Maybe we can also arrange for him, you know? Of course. Arrange for delicious ovex.

Not non-lethally, but sock Pep in the tum. We're sorry. We're sorry. Very, very sorry. We're sorry. We're not that sorry. I'll tell Gregory. Oh.

Get a good boy, Con. Fuck yeah. You figured out how to control him. Get a good boy, Con. Fuck yeah. You figured out how to control him. We are most sorry, m'lady. We curtsy bow.

It is wrong. I hate how you say we curtsy bow. Pub curtsy bows, and it is. Oh, God. You've never seen anyone fuck up how to bow before but this is incredible if i may describe it he definitely gets low and that is the only successful part about it yep pop you recover 60 hit points you're on full for like the first time in literally days pop you are on full hit points. Pop feels rewarded because Pop apologized to Gregory Bones really hard.

That's what did it. Just the idea that you're like, yes, me saying sorry hard fixed it, not me doing good in the first place. Correct. Tiffany, I'm not going to finish rolling for you. I started counting and I got up to 60, and that is like more hit points than maybe you will ever have. All right.

So, Tiffany, your rest is... You still get the same amount of rest, but it is often interrupted by the skull making snide remarks about any little thing that you're doing. The skull is clever. It's witty, and it knows where to, like, poke holes and to make fun of you. It's never like as devastating as when it was first talking about your dad.

It's never as devastating as that. But it is always like any awful thought you have about yourself has been externalized. Has that different for Tiffany though? Like he has enough time. He's a busy skull. So you step out of the door into the corridor and you have, well, you've explored to the north and to the west now. I say we go east.

Okay. Boss. Oh, that's right. Arde I say we go east. Okay. Boss. Oh, that's right. Artis Simba is leading the way. Boss. Artis Simba turns and leads. He's standing out in front. Oh, yeah. You can do something about that, Tiffany, if you want.

All right. Cool. I think to myself how much of a mum Artis Simba is and follow him. I'm licking the walls. You shouldn't. You can see another carved into the wall of the central vaulted area here. You can see another carved little message for you. Walk through water with weapon in hand.

Shake your shadow at the front. The vulture is the first step. Write the gods. The walls of history tell all. Artis, what do you make of this? Artist Simba gets close And inspects it as well Yes, artist, what do you make of this?

Walk through water with weapon in hand I can't see any water at the moment Have you seen any water? Walls of the history tell all Well, the walls of the history tell all That's got to be one that we've already done. The, whatchamacallit? Tapestries?

Yeah, the tapestries that we had to recreate. That must be the walls of history tell all. Well, they're hardly walls. Statue frog. Well. We were frogs. Yes, you were frogs. It was very unhelpful for a fight.

It was. So, walk through water. I'll fight. We'll fight you. Have we seen any water on this level? No. Okay. Yes.

Yes? Yes, when we were in the, before when we had to get across the space by jumping on the wooden blocks. You saw some water on the other side? Yes, around the other side. I guess I didn't think it was important at the time, but it was there. Well, that's interesting. Walk through water with weapon in hand.

Well, if we encounter that again, we'll know. Definitely. That's pretty self-explanatory, I guess. Slake? What does slake mean? I don't know what that means. Slake. Slake your shadow at the front.

Slake. I know Slake. We know Slake your shadow at the front. Slake. I know Slake. We know Slake. Artisember takes out a big book from his pack. On the front cover of the book is the word dictionary. What's that? Dick. Quench or satisfy one's thirst.

Or to combine with water to produce calcium hydroxide. Well, I guess that means we walk away from a light. What's calcium hydroxide? It's one moment. How does Ardis know what that is? He Googles it. I mean, he checks it in the dictionary. There's no definition for calcium hydroxide.

It's silly that they put it in there in the first place, I guess. No, she doesn't know enough alchemy. No one knows what calcium hydroxide is in your group. Well, if we need to give our shadow a drink, right, that means we should just walk away from whatever light so that the shadow is in the water before we are, right? Yes. So our shadow drinks.

Our shadow drinks at the font. Oh, I read that as front. Whoops. The vulture is the first step. I don't know what that could mean, but that's important to keep in mind. Write the gods. I'm saying they're wrong in the first place. No, no, no.

Did this. We pop, pop. No, no. Did this. We, pup, pup. No, no. Did this. We did this. We did this. Statues. We turned the statues.

Ah, right to the god. We saw statues. Yes, we did turn the statues to the right. Clay man. Did we, pup? Yes. What were you doing there? Fight.

Tell me what happened with that, pup. What did you do? So we did Tell me what happened with that pup. What did you do? So we did fight. We put cat in box. Cat in box. Man in box. Delicious man. We put delicious man in.

And big man came out and we fight big man. I don't know what he's exactly referring to. Golem. Big golem man. In pit we fought big golem man. Yes, we did. We did. We were there. What were you doing?

Pop, do you remember when we were at Fort Vengeance? Those mean, nasty soldiers? Do you remember how you healed? How you cast magic in the medical tent? We don't do magic. No, you tent? We don't do magic. No, you definitely. We don't do magic. Do you not remember laying your hands on people and casting?

Shut up. Healing magic? We have never done magic. But you remember Fort Vengeance. Yes. You were there at Fort Vengeance. We were there. We were at Vengeance.

You were holding the front line at the Fort Gates. We were fighting. We were killing. Yes, You were there at Fort Vengeance. We were there. We were at Vengeance. And what happened? You were holding the front line at the Fort Gates. We were fighting. We were killing. Yes, you were. And then you ran around in the Fort, didn't you? Yes. And you went to the medical tents, didn't you? Do you remember the medical tents?

Oh, you must remember the medical tents. You actually ran out of magic. Do you remember that? Do you remember having that conversation where you'd run out of magic? Run out of... Quick as fuck. Before anything else can happen. Adam, I want to run at the wall so hard that I knock myself out.

Oh, sure. You slam your head into the wall. I am going to deal, I don't know, we'll say 13 points of damage. Does it work, though? It does. He knocks himself unconscious. That was actually really rude. That actually wasn't very helpful for us as well.

Now we need to drag him around. Valindra, would you mind waking him up? Valindra looks down at him and says, I cannot wake him up with my magics. Not from this. That's fair enough. Adesimba kneels down and wakes you up, my magics. Not from this. That's fair enough. Ardicember kneels down and wakes you up. Pop, pop.

Do I need to do a roll? Do you need a roll for me to, in one quick motion, pull out Orvex's dagger and pin it against Ardice's throat? Basically take him hostage. Real quick. Like, wakes me up. First thing I do, grab him, take him hostage. It would be a check. Alright, I'll make that check, Adam.

So it's an athletics check i guess versus artisans athletics or acrobatics you try to pin the dagger to him but he handily you're coming from you're attacking like upwards you've got the disadvantage you try to bring the dagger up but he grabs your wrist and turns the dagger basically away from you. You and him. Would you like to pursue this and we'll go to initiative, or do you just want to let go? How close to him am I? You're right next to him.

Like, are we facing one another? Kind of face to face, yeah. I kiss him. And then, like, disengage. Basically, I guess try to take him off guard. Yeah, all right. I'll allow that. That's probably the most surprising thing you could do.

Artisimba knows what's about to happen before it happens, but he doesn't have enough time to turn away. You kiss him, the dagger clatters to the ground, and Artisimba takes a step back in shock basically and now i want to pull the sword out and level it at him very threateningly and just say if you touch me again big boy i'll cut you from your asshole to your face of course of course of course yes certainly i wouldn't want that put the sword away away. All right, where the fuck are we going? Sorry, pup, what's happening? Pup, there's no pup here.

It's pep. Pep. We've been through this a lot, okay? Of course. I am so sorry. Jesus. Artis, where are we going? Well, it might be worthwhile to continue searching

at least for the different artifacts from the gods, I think. I think that's a great idea, Artis. There's probably some more on this level. We should at least search for them. Let's, I don't know, continue along this pathway. You can see that it turns northwards and, well, you've never been down there. So with Artis in the lead, you head down that way.

Brilliant. Turning that corner, you come to quite the sight. A huge carving of a snarling jackal's head protrudes from the wall at the end of this corridor. A chamber is visible through the gap between the jackal's fangs. Artis Sember leads you towards the jackal's mouth. Tiffany, if you want, he kind of gestures for you to stand next to him as you walk. I do so.

Both of you gaze through the jackal's mouth as you see four torches illuminate stone sphinxes crouched in the corners of this 15-foot-high room. The torches cast flickering light across the hieroglyphs carved into the tiled floor. At the center of the room, a gold inlaid funeral barge stands atop a three foot tall stone dais. Resting on the deck of the barge is a small golden sarcophagus decorated with horned rabbits. When you see the horned rabbits, you recognize Ai-Jin, the rabbit god. You also see that a dark shaft opens in the ceiling directly above the barge. It looks like maybe it's like natural light hitting the barge.

Could be an exit, just as a point. Is Artus just sort of looking? Artus, yeah, you and Artus and artists are gazing artist doesn't do anything immediately he's just like kind of surveying the area how long would you wait before you said or did anything you as well pep now yeah pep pep pop how long would either of you wait i go straight in you step straight in yeah all right i immediately try and follow okay well first things first. And I check with Kubazan.

I go straight in because Kubazan gives me strength. When you step through, first you can immediately tell there's a pattern on the floor. Yes, a pattern puzzle. Oh, no. Oh, is it hard? No, it's not because we know that the vulture is the first step. Unfortunately, you... Oh, well, actually, you can...

So let me show you what square you would start on if you stepped through. I believe it's a reed. Oh, am I able to try and jump through onto the vulture? You handily jump through and you land on not the fan or the reed, but you land on the square just past it which is a vulture's head when you jump through you see immediately something has changed about the room it feels slightly different everything's kind of basically in the same place and none of the pattern has changed but it feels like little things have shifted like maybe the dust feels different in this room.

And maybe small things like insects are not in the same places. And certainly the shaft of light is not at the same angle. It's still coming down from the same place, but it's hitting a different part of the room. Slightly different. You also, a big change, you notice that there is a destroyed corpse to your right. So the skeleton of a dwarf sprawls on the floor east of the barge, clad in a tattered yellow turban and dusty chain mail and clutching a bronze shield.

Also, pep pop. When Tiffany jumps through the jackal's mouth, you lose sight of her. She just disappears. The actual fuck. And I horn girl. Tiffany, you don't hear that. Tiffany,

you, while you're there, you hear, or you feel the ghost Latin at your side, like move subtly. And you can hear that sad, forlorn voice coming from deep within bravis oh you knew him one of the yellow banner i'm sorry bravis boulderborn she says his name almost as if it were an epitaph. Did you come to this room? No.

I was never in this room. So how long, Pep Pop, are you waiting before you pursue? Artist Simba seems a little nonplussed and he doesn't look like he's going to do anything. Not initially, at least. Get the fuck out of the way, Stringbean. I push him out of the way and I immediately climb through. All right. Do you also want to try and step onto the... Well, yes.'ve as i step through as i go to go through i see the floor

obviously yeah so you're gonna try and get to the vulture vulture first step you leap through handily and as soon as you pass through the the mouth of the jackal you you see that you're about to collide with tiffany she has suddenly appeared you are now in the same room as tiffany jesus fucking christ i'm gonna get you to make a dexterity saving throw tiffany oh you handily pass so both of you are standing on the same square now that vulture square right before the the barge with the golden sarcophagus you actually don't need to take another step where did did you go, horn girl? Same place you are.

You walked into here and you absolutely disappeared. I've been calling your name for, well, I called it once. I look back. Can I see anyone? Can I see Otis? Looking back, the passageway that you just came through, I believe is, it looks like the back of a wall. It doesn't look like you can pass back the way.

Well that's problematic. I guess we can get out some other way. Can I step onto the plinth where the thing is? The little boat thing? There's no tiles here so you just step up onto the dais.

I'd like to reach out to the wall with Holy Avenger and just tap it. You probably to reach out to the wall with holy avenger and just tap it you probably can't reach the wall with holy avenger it's a slightly too far away i would say what about the staff of python i'd allow that you reach out and you touch the wall the passageway you just took it appears to be there but there's some sort of illusion making it invisible. It goes through. Yep. When that happens, you actually feel something on the other end.

Grab it and give it a tug. Not like forcefully, just like something is on the other side. Presumably maybe Ardis has grabbed it and is just holding it. I twisted it away so I could smack his knuckles. And now a word from our sponsor. Hey, Jackson here. Just popping in to remind you that on the 20th of December, we're doing a 24-hour D&D marathon over at twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio,

where all donations go towards completing the new studio we've been building. You can also contribute to the new studio by buying a metaphorical brick at sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop, which will bag you a whole manner of really cool goodies. Once again, that's sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop, which will bag you a whole manner of really cool goodies. Once again, that's sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop to buy a metaphorical brick for the new studio. That's going to be a disadvantage because you can't see him. Yeah, I know.

Just to be true. You don't feel any connection. Try it again. Maybe if it happens a second, if you try it a second time, a rock flies through and it misses you completely. What was? Oh, to remember that.

You hear no response. I'm going to punch your friend Arches in the face. Fine, fine. All right, what are we doing now, Missy? Does it look like this is a sarcophagus? Yep, it is a sarcophagus. We're opening this. All right, then.

Help. Actually, I probably don't even need help. I just push it open. I'm very strong. How's the frog in your head going? Nice and strong now, aren't you? How do you know about the frog in my head? Because I was with you when you got the frog in your head. You were with me when I got the frog? I've been with you this whole time. You're paying me to protect you on this

mission. Right. What were we doing when I got the frog in my head? Well, we got turned into frogs so i don't fucking really remember but we were fighting people well we came back we finished they'd done a fight then you you put you pick the gauntlets up and now you've got a frog in your head how much do you remember that pardon do you understand me a little bit your accent's really fucking weird but you know what i'm saying yeah i'm kind of familiar with some languages, but I can't necessarily speak them back. The sarcophagus does not shift when you try to open it.

All right, make yourself useful. Oh, do you need a hand, do you? It's very heavy, but it's not stuck to the ground. It's, like, very heavy. It's a solid gold sarcophagus. It looks like it's worth quite a lot, but it's very heavy. We don't have to open it. We can take it back with us.

You would have to carry it. Look, you guesstimate that it would weigh maybe 75 pounds. That's not much. That's quite a lot, considering you've already got a backpack full of equipment. Yeah, I know. I forgot about that, didn't you? But it also looks very... look, Tiffany, you're, well, you in some ways have weird training.

You, with the careful practiced eye, could probably tell that it is, actually, oh, no, wait, you're not an archaeologist. So you wouldn't know. Adam, are you sure? I guess Pep is also kind of a bit of a scoundrel. Maybe Pop is an archaeologist and Pep weirdly has knowledge that he has, but not the ability to do magic. So Pep is also not a spellcaster.

Maybe worth a bit under $10,000. If you give me that sarcophagus, you don't have to pay me when we get back to Port Nines, are you? What are you going to do with the sarcophagus? It's worth $10,000. I'm going to sell the shite out of it. You're going to sell it? Yes. I don't understand what's so complicated.

It's solid gold. Yeah, sure, of course. No, you can have it. 100%. Great, alright. Sell it. Sell it. Don't donate it. Give it away. Sorry, don't give it away. Sell it for money. Why would I give it away? I have no idea. Why would I donate it? No, that seems a really silly idea.

You're right. It does seem really stupid. There's no museum that would want this. No, well, there probably is a hundred museums. I bet you my brother would fucking lose his head if I sold this. Which brother? Pop. Hmm.

Have you ever spoken about him? I don't really know much about Pop. I've talked about him a bit. You know, the archaeologist one, the big turtle, the angry one. Oh, angry. Yeah, no, that sounds like him. And you're not the angry one oh no i can be the angry one if you want me to sounds bad after you guys have been arguing for i don't even know how no we start moving it as soon as i'm like yeah you can sell it if you start moving it um immediately you guys immediately. You guys are idiots. Why would you do anything I've suggested? Oh my god!

Four floor to ceiling walls of force surround the dais on all four sides. Do you put the psychophagus back? I don't think we should torch it anymore. The walls of force recede and disappear. After that happens and after maybe a little bit

of arguing or whatever, Ardacimber leaps through, landing on the vulture. He looks at you two and says, it's the past. The jackal's mouth or whatever, it shows a vision of the past. I saw he points at the corpse. I saw that dwarf. Poor, poor boy. I saw him be destroyed by locusts. By the way, we shouldn't set off the trap of this room. It doesn't look like the sort of thing we'd fight. It looks like the sort of thing that just kills us. We've already established there's a wall of

force. No, sure, sure. What did you see? So, that gentleman there, he steps out, and at first he's fine because he gestures to the vulture. You can see that there's he steps out onto the vulture at first, but then he takes the next step onto that foot tile, and out of the sphinx's mouths, locusts swarm him.

Well, we just got hit with walls of force trying to lift the sarcophagus out. Well, we can't move the sarcophagus. Something about the trick of this room probably means that we need to figure something out. Look, there's a second entrance. I'm willing to bet that maybe there's some- Wait, wait, wait, wait. What the fuck do you mean there's a second entrance? That dwarf stepped through.

He gestures. And you can see, true to the word, if you look really closely, you can now tell that the direction that the dwarf came from there's like a seam in the wall and you can tell that there's some sort of hidden door there oh would you fucking look at that we could try going that way there the other entrance must have another way to it or whatever so we could try to get it to it from this angle maybe or it might be smarter to go back the way we came, to back out and then basically come at this from a different direction.

That's my suggestion at least. I've consulted with Flask of Wine and with Valindra, and they both agree with my assessment. Neither of them wanted to come through Valindra for selfish reasons and Flask of Wine because he's quite injured. Of course. I'm not sure how we'd tell which tiles to step on. Step on the vulture tiles.

First, but then we need to get everywhere else. Well, what I'm thinking is, is that potentially if we come from the other angle, there might be some more clues. You're right. Let's go with your idea. So, if we may. I'm not just like ducking.

As we're about to leave, I'll be the last to leave. I'll duck into my head. Kubazan, you got any hints? Kubazan gives you a mental shrug. Kubazan does not, unfortunately, have any clues. Why don't we ask my friend? Can't tell a lie. That's the first good idea you've had, Pep.

Hey, Moa, Snakey. Oi, listen up. Snakey. Yes? Do you know anything about this room? Do you know anything about the rabbit with the fucking horse? Caution. This is the better parts of Valor. Well, I've got no fucking valor, so...

The puzzle to get the cubes, to get Inchin's cubes, it is also a floor tiles. Now, I've absolutely... Wait a minute. The floor tiles... To get the puzzle cubes, you must step on tiles

in the right orders. Wait, wait. We've done that. We've done that. Hey, do you remember when we got the puzzle cube for the horny rabbit? I do. You remember? Yes.

Sorry. Yes. That's your fucking... Yes. Keep going. Okay, so I just talked to the snake and she reckons that in order to get the puzzle cube for engine, we had to use a floor puzzle. Do you remember that? It kind of fucked us up yes um so so back in that puzzle you you could step on whatever it was first but you couldn't step on anything again the second time so why

would this be the same well because why wouldn't it be the same the guy's a lazy fucking tomb designer he's probably just copied all the other tombs to make his tomb. What about this to you, says Lazy? Do you, like, Adesimber jumps back, or do you say that before Adesimber jumps back? Before he jumps back. All right, cool. So, like, if I'm using that logic,

what did you say about the fucking little yellow fella? The turban guy on the ground? The yellow banner fucker. He stepped on the vulture one, then he stepped on the one right next to it on the ground. The yellow banner fucker. He stepped on the vulture one, then he stepped on the one right next to it, the foot, and the trap got set off. It might be that there is this particular order to this one. I'm guessing it would be order, but...

I'm fairly positive it would be an order. Let's leave. Let's see if we can find any other clues. The vulture is the first step, is just the only part of the clue for here clues. The vulture is the first step, is just the only part of the clue for here. If the vulture were the first step, then surely there must be a sequence. Okay, then.

I don't think that Azarak is that lazy. Look, as someone who, as a group who collectively have sold fewer than we've tripped, surely we are not the experts. Yes, in this realm. Yes, but artists. We're all still alive, aren't we? than we've tripped. Surely we are not the... Experts? Experts, yes, in this realm.

Yes, but artists. We're all still alive, aren't we? We are all still alive. Yes, that's true. I glare at Pep like, at what cost? I'm just saying, maybe we're cleverer than we think we are. I'm going to jump back. I'm going to jump back.

Bye. Okay, I'm coming too then. Adesemba barely makes that one. You pass as well, and then pop. You're also fine. Everyone jumps back through. Do you want to stay and actually view the video, as it were? Yes.

Is it on a loop? Yes, it is. After a little while, you see a slab of wall suddenly grinding upwards to the east, and a dwarf wearing a turban and chainmail creeps into the tomb. He brandishes a shield in front of him as he treads cautiously across the floor. On the second one, a loud click sounds as the dwarf steps onto one of the floor tiles. Then a deafening buzzing rises as locusts pour out of the mouths of the sphinx statues, quickly engulfing him.

He tries to fight them off to no avail. When the cloud of insects vanishes, nothing of the dwarf remains except bones and gear. Oh no, what a shame that is. You hear an echoing, likeing sob from the ghost lantern. I'm sorry. Well, let's see if we can find another way in. Okay, then. All right.

Let's continue to, I don't know, just keep edging around this level. So you head back out onto the balcony. You can head southwards, and there is a path there. I will, however, let you know that you have actually been able to see down below. Oh, yes? Yes. At the bottom of the grand staircase, a resonant mechanical rumbling emanates from a dark shaft opening in the middle of the chamber's floor.

So at the bottom, there is another hole that goes just further down into darkness, but there's also, like, a level here. The four cylindrical stone pedestals surround the shaft each 10 feet tall so they nearly reach up to you they are five feet wide and feature tiny slots in their side down at the base of them squatting atop them though is a large four-armed gargoyle on all four of them. So four pedestals, down the bottom of them there's a tiny little slot, at the top there is a gargoyle. You can see that each gargoyle is contained within a square made of metallic tiles embedded atop the pedestal. Starting with the northmost pedestal and

going clockwise, the tiles are copper, silver, gold, and platinum. You get to that southern passageway, and it comes to a T-intersection. The T-intersection goes, well, it goes west and east, although it would be your left and right. To the west or to your right, you can see that there's a little crawlway, and to the left, it heads to, well, you can hear water from that direction. I reckon we go that way. reckon i march on ahead alice timber is also leading the way torch in hand and we can hear water yep draw weapons and everyone draws a weapon oh you're so clever you're competing with a magical skull you're gonna have to be better than that oh i don't have to compete with a

magical skull he's doing a very good job aren't you skull boy yeah i guess i mean like what's what's it worth it's like you know beating a dead tiefling or something like that soon to be dead tiefling you wish i just don't have to do you have any idea how many people i've hovered over while they died first off it's all of them i like the skull a lot although if you did die i don't get paid so for my sake i hope you live you are all going to die here though like that's just a fact i've almost died in worse places have you checked the exit do you think it's still open how do you think you'd unlock it from this side artists even artist simbra stops at that one and you can see like tiffany you're the only one who can see it but you can see like visible pain on his face

like someone hit him i don't think i like the skull as much as i did i ignore the skull i'm becoming quite good at ignoring the skull. You come to a corridor that you find very familiar, Tiffany. Still puddles of water cover the floor of this 15-foot-wide hallway. The walls are slick with moisture and set with murals showing animal-headed humanoids in armor, most of which appear to brandish real weapons hanging on the walls. So they're brandishing weapons, but it's like the weapons are being held on the wall, and it's designed to make it look like the murals

are holding the weapons. Yep. A three-foot-high crawlway in the east wall is flush with the floor. Tiffany, that's the one that you came through. At the far end of the hall, a rippling, transparent curtain of water fills a stone archway. Beyond the curtain, you see another hallway that looks similar

to the one in which you stand. We might need to take one of their weapons. What was the red-legged animal? Let's see. Walk through water with weapon in hand. Would you like to inspect any of the warriors and their weapons? Yeah, the first one to the left. What's that?

Actually, the right. No, left, left. First one to the left. What's going on there? So the first one to your left is stork-headed males with hand axes. And you can see that between the stork-headed males, you can see the crawlway that you came through. Then it's lizard-headed females with maces,

panther-headed males with blowguns, unarmed hawk-headed females, goat-headed males with sickles, and finally frog-headed females with tridents. Can we take the weapons off the walls? Yep, you can collect the weapons if you want. So I guess we're taking the weapons. The weapons are tarnished and in poor condition.

I grab the first weapon I see and brandish that in my left hand and mine in my right. That would be- The hand axes? Yeah, the hand axes. Take a hand axe too. Well, you both grab a hand axe and approach the waterfall. So nothing happens when you walk past the other things? No, none of the paintings do anything when you approach or walk past them.

I take the hand axe and put it back, and I go to the next thing and take the mace. All right, you can take a mace. Are you inspecting any of them or any in particular or anything like that? No, I'm just looking at the mace. So one of you grabs a hand axe and the other one grabs a mace. I guess that leaves... Artisimbo grabs a blowgun from the panther-headed males. A flask of wine gets a sick from the panther-headed males.

A flask of wine gets a sickle from the goat-headed males. And the only other one is a trident, which Valindra takes. There is also the unarmed ones. I hold the staff of Python and throw it on the ground, conjuring the snake. Where do you throw it, sorry? Just in front of me. Okay. Handaxe, mace, blowgun, point at the snake. No arms, throw it, sorry? Just in front of me. Okay. Hand axe, mace, blow gun,

point at the snake. No arms, point at the valyndra. Whatever the fuck that is. Big fork. Otherwise, we'd be in complete set. I feel like you need the whole lot. Sometimes I'm clever, okay? Fucking hell. Huh. I have ideas occasionally about stuff, you

know, in these places places thought you were raised to be polite oh i was but i think we've been through this i ran away i ignore that no i don't have time let's go who wants to approach first our december is by default unless anyone says anything to the contrary i just don't stop walking t, as you step through the curtain of water, you feel like something's wrong. The water feels way too hard immediately. And you can tell that it's way too hard because as soon as you touch the waterfall, the gentle curtain becomes a wave of force

that blasts down at you and then washes down and hits everyone in the party. Everyone needs to make a strength saving throw. We'll go with Pop first. Pop, you will pass. Oh my god, you will pass. Tiffany, you will also pass. Valindra fails.

Hey Adam, did you forget that Cass has disadvantage? Tiffany still passes. That was mean. No, no. Get a good boy card. Yes. To be fair, though, Cass, I didn't think he'd re-roll it once he's already rolled it.

I thought that's like a rule of D&D that you can't roll a roll that you've already rolled. The only rule is I make the rules. So, Cass, I'm sorry. I thought I was going to, like, make fun of him. But you passed anyway. And I got a good boy card, which I will donate to you. Valendra fails, so she instead uses one of her lich legendary

saving throw checks to just pass. Oh, God. Hey, Cass, remember when we were going to kill her? Do you know what I also love is that we know that Azorak is stronger than she is considerably. Azorak is stronger than her and is also in his lair. So he gets a thing called lair actions, which basically means that the dungeon fights for him. Huh. So, hate that.

Hate that. Hate it. Tiffany, you are, however, on the other side. You can see that at the end of this corridor, there is to the east a crawlway and to the west a passage proper. Who wants to be next? I shout back and say, oh, it's fine. What do you see on the walls? What do I see?

It's the exact same thing. It's like another set of everything. The same thing again. Hey another set of everything the same thing again hey artist yes frosty fingers artist simper is like stowing his wet torch yes so take uh you got to take the trident i think we fucked it up horn girl i got through fine what i don't think you did get to we definitely set off the trap, Tiffany. I'm sorry. Artists, you go first.

And then below. No. What's the order of the statues? From back from the wall. So from the waterfall backwards, not from where we came from forwards. So if you're starting at the waterfall, it's Tritons. Valendra, go first. Valendra passes through and nothing bad happens.

Then the next one is Sickles, which would be Flask of Wine. Flask, you're next. Valindra go first. Valindra passes through and nothing bad happens. Right. Then the next one is sickles which would be flask of wine. Flask your next cat. Let's go. Hurry up. As flask of wine passes through it happens again. Everyone's going to need to make

strength saving throws. Pop. You fail. Pop. You are knocked prone. You will take 22 points of damage. Oh, Jesus.

Fuck. You slam up against the back wall, but you do not leave this room. You can tell the water, it's somehow magically enchanted. The water does not leave this room. Flask. Actually, no. Oh, everyone else needs to make a sound. Sorry, there's a bunch of other people.

Tiffany, you included, actually. Tiffany, you will pass. Valindra actually doesn't need to use another one of her legendary saving throws. Flask of wine will pass. And Artis Cimber unfortunately fails. Oh, what about my snake? Does that just get covered up with me? It's hit me, I guess.

Yeah. Your snake is with you. Artis Cimber is thrown up against the back wall as well. He will take 8, 9, 16 points of damage. Well, Ardacimber slowly gets to his feet. Well, I guess that wasn't it either. Flask. Cat, come on.

Were you carrying? Oh, Flask of Wine is now on the other side. Belandra. Yes? Do you have a weapon on you? That's not the trident. She has a quarter staff, and that's it. Oh, and a magical

staff. Okay, so that's not it then. She has two staffs. That's very funny. She wears them in a cross on her back sorry that was the order yeah uh reverse order was trident sickles yep it's trident sickle unarmed blowgun mace hand axe the trident worked the trident worked put your weapons down take a trident who do you want to send through next me you walk through with a trident. Who do you want to send through next? Me. You walk through with a trident? Yeah.

Get a good boy card. Yes. You solve the puzzle. All right. You just keep passing. If you need to, you pass the trident back. Holding a trident, you can walk through without any issue. That makes sense.

What animal is holding the trident? It is frog-headed females. That's not on the floor. No, but it's aquatic. Oh, right. Yeah. All the other ones are not aquatic. There's the crawlway to the right, and there's a passageway on the floor. No, but it's aquatic. All right, yeah. All the other ones are not aquatic. There's the crawlway to the right and there's a passageway to the left.

I tell the snake to get back to being a stick. All right. The snake turns back into a stick. Pick up the stick. Do you know what I love is I had to give the snake a trident to get it through. We go west. You try to turn back around to get to the sarcophagus room. And as you do so, there's a door that peels off to the east,

following down that corridor. Rather than the crawlway, you go down the corridor. There's a door to the east, or you could keep going north. The door to the east definitely does not lead you, though, to the sarcophagus room. Let's just try and keep going to the sarcophagus room. Will our heroes be able to find their way to the sarcophagus room before something finds its way to them?

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