D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult III #14 Unkh’s Tomb

Episode Date: January 9, 2021

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most procedurally generated podcast network. Welcome to Season 3, Episode 14 of Zombie Plagued Chol. Obviously! You ugly, imperfect creatures could not hope to defeat me, Bill Cazor! You talk like a 16-year-old halfling who's tried to drink turpentine. I hate you. Flask, I'm so proud of you.

Flask of Wine nods dutifully and says, It was my pleasure to destroy. What was it? A ball on top of the other ball. Oh, I gave him another cuddle. If we were to feed it our gems and material worth

I think 10,000 it might leave. The skull, with a chattering sound hits the ground inert. Nobody fucking touch it. This tomb belongs to the last queen of Omu.

Oh, well then there won't be anything here that'll help us, will there? I mean, no. Pops him in and knows what he wants, and he wants that son to fuck off, but also he's invaluable. Yeah, it's made of gold. It's hammered gold, so it's like gold covered. It was a very foolish method of doing what you did. It was a bad decision. I will be the judge of whether my choices are... Harmful to others?

I think maybe it could be skeleton heads could be key to... Fine, I rip the chest open. Tiffany, you pick the lock, the chest pops open, and as you lift it up, you see that the inside of the chest is completely empty. You hear a lock slide open behind you. You have just enough time to think to yourself, damn. As you hear a heavy stone on stone sound,

and Arda Simba and Valindra cry out in shock. All of you turn around and you see a giant boulder taking up the width of the passageway boom boom boom rolling down towards you so i'm gonna get you both to make a dexterity saving throws fuck i thought i thought i'd never see one of these again. That temple in the jungle with Dr. Octopus. Pop and Tiffany, I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Adam, here's the bad. Bad news?

Yeah. All right. And then soften the blow with some good news. So the bad news is, but the area you jumped to is a pit trap the good news is oh fuck the good news is you jump out of the way of the boulder so both of you jump forwards into the room and as soon as that happens you feel the floor give way beneath you you can can tell that this is an elaborate trap. So the boulder comes down and jumping out of the way means that you jump onto the pit trap. Artisimber fails his saving throw and so is only hit by a boulder.

General Icast. What do you like? As we hit the pit trap, the thought that goes through Pop's head as the pit trap enacts and the boulder's coming down, he very briefly respects the game behind thisacts and the boulder's coming down. Very briefly, respects the game behind this. This is some good craftsmanship. I was really hoping for this was my fault.

Oh, oh, Cass. No. Nothing is ever Pop Mandarin's fault. The walls of this ten foot deep pit trap aligned thick with glass. You fall 10 feet.

Then you hit a pool of acid beneath. You sink completely into the acid. It is deeper than either of you are tall. You're going to take... Oh, wait, no, sorry. You're allowed one more saving throw To clutch to the side of the pit Fucking hell Clutch to the glass

And Pop, you will fail Tiffany Oh wait Oh no, Pop, you're fine Tiffany, you will fail Oh no With a tremendous splash, Tiffany falls into the pit,

taking 12d10 acid damage. Horns. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Adam. Hang on, Adam. Adam.

Did you say 12d10? Yeah. Did you say that it was 12d10 or 4d10 if the boulder hits you? Oh, my fucking god tiffany could lose a maximum of 120 slightly below average average for this would be 66 damage you only take 63 you're unconscious in the pit of acid that's exactly how much i was trying to think when was the last time i used my spell protection i think i think i think it's all right we're gonna go to initiative because it's very important how quickly tiffany gets out of that ball out of that pit oh the boulder splashes in after tiffany oh highs or lows tiffany oh fuck highs oh no for me it misses you Adam

Okay Artist Simba gets up And scrambles to the edge of the pool He looks in and You hear You're just like holding onto the edge of the pit You hear him calling in Tiffany! Tiffany!

He sounds distraught. Is it my turn yet? That will be his turn. It's your turn now, yeah. Hey, Adam, I have 100 feet of rope. How far down is it? It's 10 feet. Will acid dissolve the rope?

Oh, acid will dissolve anything that gets into it. So, Adam. Oh, what? I'd like to use my gift of protection and drop into the acid. Gold shimmering energy courses around you. You can feel an otherworldly power inhabit you, and you feel like your skin is made of steel, except you know it is harder than steel.

Oh, yeah, baby. You let go and land in the pit. You are submerged in acid. With your eyes open in this acid you feel like you still feel like a sense of danger there's like a like a reptilian well you are reptilian but my whole brain there's a beyond reptilian ancient part of the back of your brain that is like you are under acid do not open your eyes you need to fight against that to keep your eyes open you see tiffany though can i grab her this time you can grab her you have like i'd say 15 feet of movement left if you want to with

disadvantage technically swimming uh yes you would be swimming right now you have a swim speed well actually no you wouldn't be swimming you, it's only slightly above your head, so you can just stand. Great. I just need to quickly. Can I try and pass Tiffany up to Artis? You can lift her out of the water if you want. Adam, I want to do that.

I want to lift her up above my head towards where Artis is. Tiffany is lifted out of the acid. Flask of wine. Oh, thank God he has that luck stone. Luck is on his side. Not enough today, actually. Never mind.

Oh, no. Flask of wine cannot do anything. Valindra, on the other hand. Is very strong. What is her best spell? So this plan was good and guess how long my gifts of protection lasts, Cass?

Is it one round? One round. I'm a bit stronger than you, so even if I get the average, I think I'll be okay. For another one round? Would I be able to, just Adam, use maybe a fortuitous circumstance? You could, yeah. Yeah.

I just want to use. Just do whatever. I'm going to put that out there now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've got a fortuitous circumstance that can happen at any time, I guess, and that's up to you, Adam, as to what happens with that. But now it's out there, you know? It's there for all the world to see.

Well, you know what will happen with that fortuitous circumstance, actually? We fall out of the acid, you die, but I find a ruby. Pop, you feel Tiffany get lifted out of your hands. Oh, my God. Then, Pop, you feel like a rope hit your hand but then bounce off and go into the acid. It starts dissolving almost immediately. You, on your next turn, if you stay conscious, can scramble for that rope. Unfortunately, it does not just land in your hand.

Pop, a second rope lands in your hand. Fuck yes. Pop, it's your lands in your hand Fuck yes Pop, it's your turn Isn't that Akon? Pop, you take 52 points of damage Yeah, I'm gargling acid What? It's your turn

You take 52 points of damage Hey Adam, am I still alive? You are on 44 hit points Hey Yes I am You want to climb out of that pit? I want to stay here Of course I want to climb out of the pit

Alright You clamber out of that pit? I want to stay here. Of course I want to climb out of the pit. All right. You clamber out of the pit. You are pulling up on a rope that Artisember and Flask of Wine are holding. I get to the top. Where's Tiffany? Valindra is tending to her. Is Valindra about to do spooky death spell?

I push Valindra out of the way before she can do a creepy death spell, and I do a level three cure wounds instead. Okay. That's not very good. Fuck off, you undead weird fuck. None of your dirty fucking magic tastes like fucking pigs' arseholes. I splutter back into consciousness. How do you know what they taste like? I have a brother who's very good at cooking and eating arseholes.

Tiffany, you recover. You met him. You recover 13 hit points. Lucky 13. You got horns. What happened? You fell into a pit of acid. Yeah, we got you back out.

Does my skin look worse? Everything looks worse. All of your equipment is like a little acid soaked. Uglier again? Do I look fine? No. Why would you? No, the gift of protection only lasted for one round.

Well, both of you are hairless right now. Well, I'm normally hairless, so I actually look normal again. No, you're not normally hairless, are you? Well, no. Oh, I see look normal again. No, you're not normally hairless, are you? Well, no. Oh, I see what you mean. Poppy's normally hairless, but at the moment I look like a weird. No, it looks kind of. Oh, no, I guess you don't have the goat legs.

Yeah, no, you look more normal. I look at Popsie, he has no hair, and go, and feel for my hair. You have no hair, Tiffany. I suddenly notice that my vision's a bit clearer and it's because I don't have eyelashes anymore. You right? I don't know how I ever could be

but sure. Great. Valindra, would you mind? No, you don't. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Not well. Great. Valindra, would you mind? No, you don't. Pop, stop. I can do this. No. I can do this.

Not well. I can do this. I don't want you to. Please, Valindra. Pop just kind of like looks at the acid pit. Valindra turns to you, Pop, and says, ooh. And then she heals Tiffany. Can I please use this good boy card to get the Mask of the Moon

out of healing from a source? That's going to be a lot of fucking healing. I see what you're doing, Cass, but it still hurt. You're just making bad choices because you're insecure. So I've just walked away from this, and I'm just having an internal conversation with the snake in my brain who cannot tell me a lie adam and i asked the snake am i a bad man that is not for me to say but but if you had to say what would you say you have issues.

Diveny, you recover 56 hit points. And Pop, you feel something slam into your back. You are healed without your permission. I don't fight it, Adam. I don't fight it. I have no idea that Pop saved me because I was unconscious when I fell into the pit. I assume he just fell as well. And I go and give Alindra a big hug to say thank you for saving me.

She hugs you back. That really means a lot. Thank you. She feels cold to the touch. She's a corpse. That's allowed. That's okay. It's like hugging your dad. No, hugging your dad doesn't feel cold because he's dead. Hugging your dad feels cold because you don't hug your dad no hugging your dad doesn't feel cold because he's dead hugging your dad feels cold

because you don't hug your dad yeah i don't think i've ever hugged my dad so four marble columns support the ceiling of this grand tomb twin staircases ascend to an upper gallery where a carving in the form of a giant maze adorns the wall. On the floor of the tomb stands an opaque crystal sarcophagus that is constantly changing colour. Minotaur murals adorn the walls on the lower level of the tomb. Tiffany, you can see that there are nine, ten secret doors on the lower level. And they're placed all around the room, yeah? Yep, evenly spaced.

Well, this looks like us. And I head to the left, sort of sticking to the wall to start sussing out the first secret door. You can tell that there's no mechanical device to open it. It looks like it's magical in nature. You could try to force it if you wanted to. No. I start looking at the other ones.

Do they all look like this? They all look the same, yeah. I'm going straight to the crystal sarcophagus, and I'm investigating that. Okie dokie. I'm not touching the other ones. Do they all look like this? They all look the same, yeah. I'm going straight to the crystal sarcophagus, and I'm investigating that. Okie dokie. I'm not touching it, Adam. I'm just having a bit of a cheeky little lick. You notice that there is a tiny keyhole carved into the lid.

The keyhole does not penetrate into the interior of the sarcophagus, and there appears to be no mechanism to pick or disarm so it it looks like this entire device is magical in nature the key is like superfluous it's just jamming one spell into another unfortunately tiffany would not be able to pick this this uh sarcophagus uh you notice that every six seconds the sarcophagus shifts color. It goes from, it's a repeating cycle. It goes from blue to gold to purple to green to red to black. Right, so definitely don't open it when it's black.

Who are you both inhabited by right now? Neither of you have Ijin. Is either of you got Kubazan? Yeah. I do. I have Kubazan. Kubazan whispers into your mind to go into the upper galley. It feels like he has some, like, no, well, you kind of share a mind right now.

You can see, like, flashes in his mind. He has some knowledge of this place, but, like, some memory of it, but it's, like, hazy for him. Yeah. It's, like, a memory from so long ago that you barely remember it. Cool. Yeah, I go up to the galley. Where the fuck am I? Jesus. There's a maze adorning the wall here. You see that the intricate carving

shifts before your eyes. Its configuration ever-changing. The maze has no exits and its corridors are lit by tiny torches clouded by fog. This is like a painting. Yeah, it's like a relief yeah it shifts and moves you can tell that there's obvious well obviously there's magic to it yeah um is there

anyone in the maze or is it just like an empty maze yeah you can see tiny figures running around are some of them standing still looking at a picture? No, none of them are doing that. The room does not resemble, the maze does not resemble what you're in in any way. Can I try and, like, pick out the figures or push them with my fingers? If you touch the maze. Which I do. Something very interesting happens. You vanish. You big, brave, forgameth ghost. interesting happens you vanish you big brave fregemoth ghost without any sound or fanfare

or anything tiffany just vanishes pop what the actual fuck at the exact same time all 10 secret doors slide open and you can see piles of skeletons within. The skeletons begin knitting themselves together to form ten minotaur skeletons. They emerge and attack. Meanwhile, Tiffany. Fuck. Adam. You stand. Oh, we are so bad.

We are so fucking dumb. I'm so brave, I think is the word you're looking for. Yep. Young, brave, and dumb. Tiffany, you stand within a 15-foot-high passageway walled by smooth, featureless stone, which is lit by torches and shrouded by fog. There's no ceiling, and when you look up,

you see a distorted view of the room you left behind. Pop, if you look at the maze, were you standing next to Tiffany when she touched it? No, I was down looking at the crystal thing. Okay. Well, Tiffany, looking up, you can see, like I said, distorted view of the room that you left behind. All right, let's go to initiative. Oh, dear.

So, Pop, would you like to act with Artisember? Yes, yes. Pop, you look at Artisember and point in a direction to order him, and Artisember does not respond. Artisember looks at you, draws his weapon, he's ready to fight, but he's not going to let you command him. What the fuck? Flask? Oh, dear.

Do you want to help? This is why I always work alone. Can't be betrayed if it's just you. Hey, Cass. Yeah? Something tells me that all these hours of being rude to people for no reason is, I don't want to, like, you know, put a negative spin on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's catching up to us and it's no good. Us? Yep, us. Both of us. You and I. But more you, I feel. Don't be hoarse with me.

Ha! Yeah. I'm forgiven. Artist Sember takes aim and fires an arrow at a cluster of three of the Minotaur skeletons. It explodes. Is there one for each doorway? Yeah. Oh, my God.

That's ten. Oh, my God. Mass. So many. Three of them explode and wither under Artis' blow. Oh, and he gets a second attack. He follows up with a piercing arrow on one of them. One of the ten skeletons is destroyed. Very cool. Then it's Flask of Wine's turn.

Flask of Wine can act. Yay! Flasky babies! The second time since he got the spell, Flask of Wine can finally use his lightning strike. Flasky babies! The second time since he got the spell, Flask of Wine can finally use his lightning strike. Flask of Wine lines up three more of the skeletons, knocks, draws, and fires an arrow. As he fires it, it turns into a bolt of electricity, striking three of them. Yeah, no, good work, guys.

This is what I wanted you to do because you are following my instructions i thought you couldn't lie this is internally to myself that counts two of the minotaur skeletons charge at you pop and then your view of the rest of the fight is obscured one of the minotaurs charges you lowering its horns and the horns slam into you but you grab both of them and then just skid back a few feet holding on to them at the exact same time another minotaur skeleton slams its axe into your arm nearly completely severing your left arm fuck you take 24 points of damage what would you like to do i'm gonna try and find someone else in the maze you start sprinting

through the maze you take it at a fair clip somewhere so like i said the maze is lit by torches but it's all obscured by mist. In the distance, every now and then you hear like heavy footfalls or a scream or a calling out. Pop. Yes. It feels like the entire room just burst into flames. Both of the skeletons before you, it nearly completely combust. A line of fire is before you. You're not sure how much fire there is in the room.

You don't know what's happening. All you know, you have not been touched by the fire. All you know is the room is now filled with fire pretty much everywhere except where you are. What the actual fucking fuck? It's your turn, by the way. Where are the Minotaur's? They're right before you. I would like to pop my shoulder back in. It's a turn, by the way. Where are the Minotaurs? They're right before you. I would like to

pop my shoulder back in. It's a cut, but alright. Pop my shoulder back in because that's badass, and then I'd like to use Zephyr Strike and Holy Avenger and I would like to kill me some skelly, skelly

Minotaurs. Okay. Hey, Chuckleface, you fucking missed that's cool that's so cool you're so good at doing cool one-liners i wish i were cool like you the only talent i've got i'm not cool your first attack is a hit i'm playing dnd cast you destroy one skeleton then you destroy a second skeleton weakened by the fire both skeletons you're like minimum damage is like a million on this attack they both go down without too much effort you destroy two of the minotaur skeletons now you can see the room proper you see the velindra has created a wall of fire but she's made the wall of fire move and snake through the room and she has caught nearly

every single one of the minotaurs in that strike so the minotaurs in front of me that i killed they've like collapsed out they're dead they're dead yes so i would like to in a blind rage crush them into powder i'm going through some shit that's cool out of the 10 minotaurs that started this fight there are only four left. We have done a power. Well, I mean, I've done nothing. You use the term we a lot. Oh my lord!

Holy shit! Hey Adam, is it a- Cass, get a good boy cut! No, Cass, get a bad boy cut! Oh! Adam, is it really hot in this room? No, it's- Is it really warm? this room? No, it's really warm. Because I'm a fitzy boy. Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool. Hey, Siri, what do you do when your friends bully you, but it's fun? All right, so Artisember fires two arrows, hitting two of the Minotaur skeletons. Both of them collapse into dust. Then he uses his action surge and attacks twice again. His first attack deals...

That'd be nine points of damage to another one of the Minotaurs. That one's still standing, but his second second attack is a critical hit. Distracting jab. Quadruple damage, and the target must make a blah blah blah, doesn't matter. Quadruple damage. Wow. Is 44.

That Minotaur is done. There are only two left. There's one left. Adesimba and Valindra have pretty much destroyed them. Actually, Flosk of Wine was very helpful as well. I killed two as well. After Valindra hit them with Wall of Fire. They loosened it for me.

All right. Then it is Flosk of Wine's turn. Flosk of Wine cannot act this round. The Minotaur Skeleton's turn. The last one attacks artisember mrs artisember tiffany you're still in the maze you keep sprinting through i want to whip out my green flame my rapier with my green flame blade and try and charge it just charge what like prepare the spell okay so you do so just just in Turning a corner, you come to a dead end.

There is a pedestal, and on the pedestal there is a red key. Take a key. Okay. You grab the key. When you grab the key. Yes. Cass. Coloured keys, depending on what colour the thing is.

Get all the keys so we can choose which one. With a similar lack of fanfare, Tiffany disappears from within the maze and appears next to Unk's, next to the scintillating colour. I'm sorry, what was the sarcophagus? Next to what, sorry? Next to what, Adam? Unk's sarcophagus. Do we know it's Unk?

Well, it's a scintillating changing colour one. True. And Moa did say that there were at least two. And look, anytime we find a sarcophagus, they belong to a god and there are only two left. I wait until it turns red and put the key in. Well, you could probably still do that this turn. Yeah.

Oh, no, sorry, you couldn't. It's a changing color. We'll get to that in a sec. It's Valindra's turn. Valindra looks at the last Minotaur skeleton and whatever. She has many spells. She destroys it. I like that she's so strong it doesn't even matter.

She just like, gosh, she didn't even need to use like a proper spell. She just used a cantrip. Hey, Cass. What the fuck? She just used a cantrip. Yeah. So what are we doing in the room? Are they all dead?

Yeah. I opened the sarcophagus. I am still smashing those skeletons into powder. How do you open the sarcophagus? It flashes. All right. Let me know what you do. So there's the keyhole.

You've got the red key. Yep. Blue. Gold. Purple. Green. Red. Put it in twist.

The sarcophagus lid disappears, and you can see the contents within. The crystal key disappears from your hand, and you are about to receive a gift. You feel an energy pass through you. You now have charm of the ghoul. You receive that. You can tell because of the magic of the spell. You can tell that this is a boon. So you know how the Chewingas gave you a boon?

Yes, they did. And you know how the wise woman Oralunga gave you a boon? Yes. She was um the the wise the wise woman or a longer gave you a boon yes she was not a woman she was a snake adam yes so this time you feel it's a like a fell necromantic energy similar to when velindra heals you you can tell that this is a boon from azarak From Azarak. Ew. That. Hey, do you reckon Azarak's the big boon or the little boon when he boons? So, like I said, you have charm of the ghoul. This charm allows you to use an action to eat a mouthful of flesh from a humanoid that has been dead for no longer than one day. When you do so, you regain 3d8 plus 3 hit points. Once used three times, the charm goes away.

You can eat people to heal. You have become more grotesque. Within the sarcophagus, you find 10 opalescent bracelets, if you want to grab them. They're worth pop. Oh, I'm not. I'm smashing bones, I'm not. I'm smashing bones.

I'm having a big old bad time. Pop things. What? Things. Yeah, sure. Yeah, okay. Fuck you, you fucking, fucking, fuck you bones. And I come over to look at the things.

So there are ten opalescent bracelets. Oh, yes. You know what? As you approach the sarcophagus, you see that Artisembre has bent over, I completely forgot about this, and is pilfering the sarcophagus. Oi! What? What the fuck are you doing? I'm taking equipment.

That's not how this works. Pop! What? He's getting equipment. Yeah, but like... That's not how this works. Pop. What? He's getting equipment. Yeah, but like. Do you not have enough equipment? I don't recall making any agreement as such as to how this works.

He grabs a robe of scintillating colors. As he picks it up, slime pours from the folds of the scintillating rope to take the form of multiple snail-like pseudopods a female voice echoes through the chamber i can help you at least i think that's what i'm supposed to do the spirit launches at artisember a wave, he bashes it into nothing. I mean, you know, it's handy. Helpful. Artisember packs the robe into his backpack along with all the other equipment. We can divide this evenly at the end of the adventure.

Oh. I mean, I don't want anything from it. I just kind of stomp away and search the rest of the room just in case there's something good. Do those rooms where the minotaurs are? Anything in there? You know what? Yes.

Hey! One of them has a passageway. You can see that it leads off. Adam, I would like to grumpily stomp down that passageway. Tiffany, you would see that if you're not interested in looting? Yeah, no, I follow him down the passageway. That's a lot more interesting than looting. Nothing to loot, fucking prick.

Pop, you were busy smashing a scale. I told you. You weren't paying attention. This is my fault. Yes. What? As you- Fine.

Fine. As you walk, both of you can hear a rhythmic ticking sound. You turn a corner and this room contains a wooden cabinet with a numbered dial at its top set with two ornate metal spokes. Beneath the dial, a pendulum swings inside an open compartment. An egg-shaped stone adores the pendulum's tip. Pop, the egg-shaped stone is one of the fabled treasures within here. Hey! Things are looking up, Pop Mandarin.

It is the navel of the moon. Said to be carved from a chunk of the moon, this polished egg-shaped stone was given as a gift by the ruling Silpasha of Kalimport to his sailor daughter. It is said that anyone who holds the stone can always find the way home to his or her loved ones. It basically has... It is said to have ancient, powerful magics

that reunite families. You are the only one who knows that. Well, out of you two. Actually, Tiffany is the only one who doesn't know that. Oh, my God. What's that? As if you know to ask. Damn it.

He just found a rock. He just found a rock and he's an archaeologist. I'm allowed to ask. Go on, ask away Can you ask me what it is? That looks nice It's the You know, an old bony face said there are four

Incredible artefacts in this place that would Basically revolutionise museums forever This is the navel of the moon It is one of those artefacts This is priceless I'm the moon. It is one of those artifacts. This is priceless. I'm really happy you found it. Thank you. I approach the pendulum.

Does it look like a trap, Adam? Pop, you detect no obvious traps upon the clock, but while you're searching it, you can tell that there's an invisible covering. Literally, someone has cast invisibility on some sort of, like, door or gate or something like that before the pendulum, so you can't physically get at it to touch it. If you're inspecting it close enough like that as well, you can tell that there is a keyhole on the invisible door. You're not sure if the keyhole can be picked.

Horns. Hmm? how could you invisible locks i'll see what i can do i give it a crack you spend some time trying to pick the lock you fail you you can keep going this just means that you didn't roll enough however there is unfortunately a time constraint thing here specifically because an hour rolls past and so the clock chimes for the hour doesn't matter what hour gong gong gong gong gong when that happens both of you need to make a constitution saving throw as the sound reverberates through you fuck When both of you hear the bell tolling, you both age 10 years. And now, a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that you could hear questions

that no one ever thought to ask about pop culture you only kinda know, then do I have news for you. Plumbing the Death Star is a show by Zamit, Dusher, and Jackson, where they, as my dad calls it, make a living while being a drain on society, like you, Adam. So if you like the sound of that,

or if you want to know why my dad doesn't believe in entertainment, then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Plumbing the Death Star. Are you fucking kidding? Nope. Are you kidding? Yeah. Adam.

I don't live very long, Adam. Yeah, that's a good question. Hey, how old were either of you? I think I was early 20s. Not anymore. So I'm 27. Yeah, well, you're 37 now. And Tiffany, I don't know how old you were, but you're now 10 years older.

Yeah, early 30s. So turtles, on average, live to like 50, 60 years old. I am so close to, I'm like, oh. That was no good for you, yes. It was no good for me. So Tiffany, that was only good for you. Yes. It was no good for me. So, Tiffany, that was only like 10 minutes of trying. So you could make another check now if you wanted to. You have a bit of time before it tolls again.

I'm going to. I'm not going to say anything because now I look worse. Now all my scars have healed. I get a bad boycott. Into me looking bad oh no tiffany you make two more failed attempts before artist simba you hear like loud shouting and exclamation in the in the other room with the npcs and then artist simba approaches you and he has something held in his his hand is clutched like he's holding something,

but then you can't see anything in his hand. As he approaches you, he says, I found a key in the other room, an invisible key. Does he notice that we are fucked? Maybe when he gets closer, he's like, you look tired. I feel fucking tired. No, wait, wait. He says it more like, oh, you look tired. Yep.

I think the clock's cursed. Do you mind if we borrow that key, Artis? Of course. That was you turning around to lock it up. He hands you the key. You insert it into the lock, and the invisible key opens the invisible door, and you can take the navel of the moon within. Adam, I would you can take the navel of the moon within. Adam, I would like to take the navel of the moon.

This gem is worth about two and a half thousand gold pieces. Though, if you find the right bidder in a large city, you could easily get 10 times that. Or it would look really good in a museum. It would also look very good in a museum. Might even display it in a clock. It would also look very good in a museum. Might even display it in a clock. It also supposedly maybe has magical powers. Well, then, this might not have been for nothing after.

I'm kidding. Obviously, we're going to save the world. It's fine. It was a bit of humour because it's been really. I chuckle a bit. What else is there to do at this point, you know? You're all good. I don't want to talk about it right now.

Yeah, nah, fair. Fair. Do you know what's healthy? Never talking about it. Can you say that, being honest? That's what I honestly think. So, you leave Unk's tomb, and there's just that, well, there's really only the one passage forwards to that large square central chamber. You head there, and I feel like I've explained this to you before. At the bottom of the grand staircase, a resonant mechanical rumbling emanates from a dark shaft opening up in the middle of the chamber's floor. opening up in the middle of the chamber's floor. Four cylindrical stone pedestals surround the shaft,

each 10 feet tall, 5 feet wide, and featuring a tiny slot in their sides. That would be at ground level. So you're walking up to the balcony, and you've got kind of like a, not a bird's eye view, but a high view of this room. Yeah. There are those four statues, obelisks, whatever you want to call them.

On top of each of them is a four-armed, what do you call them, gargoyle. You can see that all four of the gargoyles are slightly contained by metal plating. The metal plating wouldn't actually prevent them if they, gargoyles both exist as the architectural thing and as the monster in this universe so these could be either they could be just stone gargoyles or they could be gargoyles that look like stone do we know which one came first it's a very good question presumably the stone gargoyle the not alive one and then these ones were made somehow they are all four of them contained slightly in metal like cages not really contained but contained whatever

one is made of copper one is made of silver one is made of gold one is made of platinum so they are on top of those those uh obelisks those gargoyles they might be statues they might be real gargoyles this is a big old death tomb they are abso-fucking-lutely real gargoyles oh yeah just probably so you can see past them there's a large corridor that you could travel down or if you don't want to enter the room to your right there's another smaller passageway that you see you can follow we reckon haunts well i reckon they're not worse than anything else before if no one stops me i start walking you enter the room yeah nothing happens would you like to inspect the obelisks?

Yes, I would like to inspect the obelisks. Like I said, there's a little slot about eye height in each of them. You're not sure what the purpose of it is. Does it look like something can come out of there into my eyes? No, it doesn't. What's the holy symbol made out of that? I would describe it as looking like the slot for coins in a vending machine.

Yeah, this is what I'm – horns. Yeah. You put the coin of what's on the pole in the hole. I don't know if that wakes them up or lets us through to the next part of the tomb, but it will do something. Well, let's have a look. I go through my pockets. Do I have any metal left?

I don't know. I don't think I do. Valindra inspects them and says, I would guess that if we did not put a single piece of each type in the slot, then the creatures will spring to attack us. I do not know what the trigger creatures will spring to attack us. I do not know what the trigger is to spring to attack us, but it could be something as complicated

as going down the shaft, or it could be something as simple as leaving the room. What I am saying is, if we now leave the room without paying a tithe, they will attack us. I feel around my pocket,

I've got gold. I've attack us. I feel around my pocket. I've got gold. I've got nothing. I gave all my treasure to the skull. Of course. Does anyone have anything else? Artis Simber opens his coin pouch. He has enough for everyone to leave. I feel inadequate.

Thank you, Artis. Artis Simber hands everyone a copper piece, everyone a gold piece, and everyone a copper piece everyone a gold piece and everyone a platinum piece as he's going around velindra probably velindra says no to the platinum piece she opens her coin bag she has just platinum pieces and silver too yeah no she doesn't have any silver no artist gives us silver oh yeah he gives you one each of each. Everyone steps up to a relevant obelisk, puts one coin of each type in each obelisk. I believe we can leave now if we want to. All right, we're going, obviously not down the hole.

That would be fucking suicide. I suggest we go straight. Of course. I would agree with that. If we travel downwards, I think we should travel downwards through the side staircase we discovered. Yeah. Yeah. A six-foot-tall green devil face is carved into the far end of this hallway,

its mouth agape. Painted murals on the walls show faceless humanoid figures doubled over in pain, clutching at their heads and ears. That's just standard at this point. Oh, great. One of these fucking things again. The devil's face is open. You could climb in if you so

wished. Adam, no fucking way. I stick my head in to have a look. If she's about to do that, I literally grab her and pull her back. Are you fucking kidding? We may as well have a look at what's in there. No, we may as well fucking not.

I'm reckless, but I'm reckless with a little bit of intent. That's just reckless for reckless sake. Well, you're all about discovery, but fine. I am about discovery, but I'm not about you dying. As you guys are having this conversation, That's so nice. As you guys are having this conversation, something crawls out of the mouth of the demon

where Tiffany nearly stuck her head in. Adam, can I have a guess? Is it Zagmira? No. That would be very funny. No. Crawling out of the mouth of the devil face is a chameleon. Just a regular looking chameleon.

How big? The size of a chameleon. It looks at you and says, can you help me out of here? What the fuck? Hang on. How? Just, just, pause. Just, hey.

You heard that too. Yes. No, I just, my head's been a bit, you know, and I'm worried. No, that's fair. Hello. What's your name? I don't have one, I guess. You're that's fair. Hello. What's your name? I don't have one, I guess. Are you just a lizard?

Yeah. What? Why can you speak? Those people with the yellow banners, they caught me outside of, what did they call it? Omu. They caught me outside of Omu and cast a spell on me that gave me intelligence i guess they wanted me to to test dungeon stuff for them you fucking kidding no they turned you into a bloody guinea pig well i can crawl on walls i guess the idea was that if i could set off a trap

i would be out of the way i guess i don't like that if you're gonna set off a trap, I would be out of the way, I guess. I don't like that. If you're going to set off a trap, you do it your fucking self. It is a bit mean. You're right. Yeah, fucking right. It's cruel and barbaric to treat people like discarded objects you can just get rid of when you're sick of them. I give Pop a look that says, wow. What?

Look, as the person who was turned into the guinea pig, I'm all with you, mate. I escaped them and here I am. Come here. I put him on my shoulder. He climbs onto your shoulder. Are we going, like leaving? Eventually.

Oh, that's fair. What did you want to say in the mouth? Can you pick me up on your way out? I don't know if we're going to be coming back through this way. I'll stay here then. I mean, with you. Okay. Right.

Sammy wanted to, you know, just. Would you be able to check for trips and stuff? That was great. Get a good boy card. I mean, you shouldn't. It was not a good boy action. Well, then give me a bad boy card. All right. Have a good boy card. I mean, you shouldn't. It was not a good boy action. Well, then give me a bad boy card. All right, have a bad boy card.

I like how liberal Adam's been with the bad boy cards lately. It's good. You guys have been bad boys. Are you looking at me in the way you're looking at me now, though, Cass? No, I stare into the distance because- Only, like- Why would I expect anything else from now, you know? If you wanted to.

Why would I expect anything else from now? If you wanted to. I'm saying this to the group to try to justify my shitty behaviour. If with his own agency he wanted to volunteer to do it, fantastic. Him coming with us is not contingent on the fact that he will check for traps. I would like to try and start a thing within the group where we don't respond and let you keep talking. You know, like I'm not going to force him. If you want to, then you can.

With a loud sound of metal, upon stone, a doorway opens to the north. You can see that there is a small room beyond. Waves of heat blast out of this cramped cell. The walls are scribed with relief carvings showing volcanoes setting cities ablaze. Rows of tiny holes are bored into the floor and the 10-foot-high ceiling. A human skeleton embedded in the opposite wall holds an iron sconce with a burning red candle in it. Oh, I start walking in curiously.

No, no, no, no, no, no. What did I just fucking say? Did you want to? I'm sorry, you haven't picked a name yet. No, not about him, about you just wandering into things and dying. Well, are you going to go first then? Sure. I step aside.

Bob, what the fuck are you doing? So who's going in? I don't. You don't? I look. I'm in front of Tiffany, but I'm like, just having a suss. You're in front of Tiffany? Yes.

He blocks my entrance. Okay. I stopped her going in headfirst because you could push through if you wanted, Tiffany. You're stronger than him. I know. I give you a few seconds to have a suss and if you are literally just looking around and not saying anything just i'm having a i just want to make sure of what that we don't end up like him okay because volcano it's hot holes in the floor and the roof.

What do you reckon? Come on, this is a learning exercise. Fine. Well, let's see if we can set off the traps. We know what sets it off. Okay. What have we got that's nice and heavy? Can we try and chip a bit off of the devil's head?

Does it look like we could potentially do that, Adam? The devil's head in the corridor that you're already at? Yeah, is it made of stone? Yeah, you could Is there anything on the walls? On the walls, there are depictions of people But no holes The holes are just in the roof and the floor

Are you talking about this new room? Yeah, yeah Yeah, the holes are just in the roof and floor There's the skeleton embedded in the wall holding a red candle Horns. Yes? I have given you no reason for this. But do you trust me?

I hand the chameleon to Flask. No, no, no, no, no, no. Do you? Sure. Yep. Okay. Give me the pearl. How do I get you back if you go again?

You just have to trust that I'll come back. Fine. I throw the pearl of power over and take the chameleon back. Unless the chameleon looks like it's having a nice time in Flask's fur. The chameleon doesn't seem to have a preference for anyone yet. Does Flask seem a bit happier? Flask doesn't seem to have a preference either. Flask just seems tense.

You're in a dungeon. As the pearl is being thrown towards me, I turn to Arthas, and in the moments that this happens, I just say, right, you've got your dick in a twist over something. If I grab this and I'm not Pop Mandarin, just knock me the fuck out. Artisimber doesn't seem heartened by what you just said. He puts his head in it.

He, like, rubs his temples and doesn't say anything. I catch the pearl. Alright. I'll miss you, Moa. You feel the spirit of Nang Nang inhabiting you. Alright. I'll miss you, Moa. You feel the spirit of Nang Nang inhabiting you. All right. I climb onto the wall.

Okay. You climb onto the wall. I climb into the room along the wall. You climb into the room along the wall. I get to the end of the room. What's happening? Nothing's happening. Can I get into the... Can I get...

It's just a 10 foot by 10 foot room. There doesn't appear to be anything special other than the skeleton holding a candle. So I circumnavigate the whole room. Yep. And I come to the skeleton. Gross, but yeah. Don't look at me! Adam, it was good.

I was drinking water. I was expecting a little break from comedy um i'd like to take the candle out of the skeleton's hands as you reach to grab the candle before you grab it the door closes behind you and you are now trapped in the room then lava starts falling out of the top and hitting you and then hits the ground and drains away you are gonna need to make a dexterity saving throw there buddy you pass yes your dexterity saving throw oh that would have killed me i did not heal myself after that fight with the minotaur. Yeah, y'all are in trouble. That's 21, 28, half of that is 14 points of damage.

Lava is pouring from the roof above, hitting you, and then draining away. What do you want to do? The only feature of the room is the skeleton holding a red candle. I want to grab the candle, Adam. You grab the candle. Would you like to do anything else with it? What does the candle do? It's just a red candle that has, You grab the candle. Would you like to do anything else with it? What does the candle do? It's just a red candle

that has its burning softly. Nothing happens when I grab the candle. Is there anything that looks like I can put it in something? You look around the room and you see nothing other than the skeleton's empty hands now. There's nothing to put the candle in. You need to make it look

like a dexterity saving throw. You fail this dexterity saving throw. I don't think I do, Adam. I think I pass it to the next 30 seconds. You fail this next 30 seconds. I don't think I do Adam, I think I pass. I think you rolled wrong. You take 18 points of damage. You're lucky, not a lot. Okay, um can I, ah, healings in action. I would like to

do a level 3 cure wounds. Okay. Letting you know that you're probably going to take more damage than... Actually, no, wait. I'll let you still interact with... Yeah, that's fine. All right.

Because then I want to do that and also put the candle back in the skeleton's hands. Okay. You put the candle back into the skeleton's waiting hands. Nothing happens. You're looking at the skeleton holding the burning candle. Nothing else. Anything else in the room. There's nothing else in the room other than a skeleton holding a burning candle. Nothing else. Anything else in the room. There's nothing else in the room.

Other than a skeleton holding a burning candle. Can Tom work out the puzzle of how to stop lava falling in a room whose only feature is a skeleton holding a burning candle? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chot. SansPantsPlus community. There's over 20 bonus shows, a SansPantsPlus Discord, exclusive video content and discounts on merch. Just head to SansPantsRadio.com and follow the links.

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