D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult III #16 The Lurker of the Deep

Episode Date: January 23, 2021

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Stan's Pants Radio Welcome to Season 3, Episode 16 of Zombie Plagued Chult. Previously... Let's get it, let's get it. You are suffocating as the rules. Hang on, I need a little... No, no, no, I'm not suffocating. You know why? Why? I can hold my breath for up to an hour, baby.

Did you hold your breath before you blew out the candle? We should wait, right? I'd like that there are people in the party who are like... This tomb is filled with terracotta warriors kneeling in neat ranks around a polished wooden coffin. Can I use the rope to open the sarcophagus? You putting your hands on that mandolin? I am picking up that mandolin, baby.

All right. Six shadowy serpents slither out of the mandolin and coil around your body. You hear a purring voice in your mind. I am not your enemy. I think you should take it for you, good friend Pop. I was going to. Yes! I've already got the navel of the moon.

Do you think it's safe to touch it? I know Pop really wanted this. I would guarantee that there is a trap associated with it. The figure holds up his right arm, which is severed neatly at the elbow. Valindra clucks. Artist Simba starts nearly hyperventilating. He's just doing deep in and out breaths. As he does that, you see he takes off one of his gloves.

Valindra, any ideas? I know it'll work, I'm just not strong enough. With Valindra's help, you manage to open the stone slab. So let's go to initiative. Why? The room becomes absolute chaos. Oh. The magic mirror has dumped every creature it was holding

out into the room. Things are about to kick off. Is everything evil um can you please tell me all right so you know valindra is evil yep the the sturge i'm assuming is a beast uh the sturge is an animal yeah so it's not it's probably going to be hostile but it's just an animal the drow is evil drow tend to be evil but that's not really a guarantee drow can be of any alignment right trolls are evil you know trolls they are sentient they are evil this troll does not seem like it is veering far from the beaten path on that one the giant gargoyle you don't

know if it's sentient it can only really be evil if it's sentient both of the chultons you just don't know the member of the company of the Choltans, you just don't know. The member of the Company of the Yellow Banner, you would assume is probably a good person, but once again, like with the drow, you just don't know. And you haven't really seen the invisible creature. No, because it's invisible. Yes, that's a good point.

So what would you like? Oh, Pop, sorry, you're first. What would you like to do? Am I first? Yep. Troll. Just without even, like, skipping a beat, I'm just like, you're fucking ugly. And I just swing Holy Avenger at that troll's head using Zephyr Strike

and all of my bonus actions because I'm learning. All four are hits. Yeah, you fucking ugly piece of shit. You launch a dizzying opening salvo. It will do 52 points of damage to the troll. Oh, my God. Jesus. None of that is fire or acid damage, though,

and you know this about trolls from your awful encounter with one not that long ago. If you do not deal fire or acid damage to a troll, it recovers 10 hit points a round. I just don't have that ability. It is Flosk's turn. Can Flosk act? Flosk cannot act this turn. Tiffany, it's your go. I jump in to help Pop and use Green Flame Blade against the troll. Ooh, is that fire damage? Tiffany, it's your go. I jump in to help pop and use green flame blade

against the troll. Ooh, is that fire damage? Hmm. Well, it's flame. It is indeed fire damage. Oh, good. You will not heal this turn provided you hit.

Ooh. Tiffany might even get the kill. Yeah, you hit. So you're going to do your sneak attack, which is 5d6. Snack. Snack.

Fire damage plus the damage of the rapier. Gosh, isn't it great when a plan comes together? You deal 37 points of damage. Yeah, you killed the troll. We fucking rock when we play correctly. Yeah, considering when we follow and utilize the rules. Just the fact that we have these bonus abilities that we're using. It's just nice.

I'm proud of us. Pop, you slash with your sword and lop off one of the troll's arms. Then as it tries to defensively swing at you with its other arm, you lop that arm off. Then you cut off its head. Then you cut it off at the waist and the quartered troll falls to the floor. You notice, though, it has begun slowly regenerating. You fucking prick. The parts of the bodies are slowly reconnecting.

Tiffany, you launch yourself on top of the troll and start stabbing downwards with your rapier. downwards with your rapier it's a practice display actually as much as the outsider might view it as just like frenzied passion to a careful practiced eye they can see that you are striking vital parts of the troll god i love having both my hands you are you are specifically attacking things like eyes the lungs heart that sort of parts of the troll. And every time you strike with your rapier, you leave little gouts of fire wherever you go. The troll's corpse finally, in a smouldering heap, hits the ground and stops moving.

I'll hand out for a fist bump. I look up at you, smile so big, and fist bump maybe a bit hard because I don't know my own strength. Horns, are you right? You all right? Yeah, I was. You're all right. I think so, largely.

Okay. I got another thing. Later. Artisimbra fires two arrows that strike and kill the Sturge. It was menacing on the Cholten who's kind of babbling and doing nothing much. And it looked like the Sturge was about to kill him, but Artisimbra saves his life. Then it is Valindra's turn. She will need to actually roll to see if she kills the gargoyle in one round.

And it dies. Yay! Pop, it's your turn. Okay, Adam. Yep. I talk to Shigambi. Hey, any of these other fuckers evil. Shigambi narrows its eyes at, it's not physical,

but you can feel like mentally Shigambi narrows her eyes at Valindra. Shigambi does not like Valindra. Shigambi wants to live though, right? Shigambi can recognize it. Well, Shigambi is going to live. Shigambi wants to live though, right? Shigambi can recognize it. Well, Shigambi's going to live. Shigambi's attached to the loot. Shigambi will be fine. It's whether or not Pop survives.

Is she looking at me or is she looking at the gargoyle she's just killed? She has taken out a file and is filing her nails. She's not paying attention to me though. No. Because if she was, Adam, she would say that all the blood has drained from my hand holding my sword. Okay. I'm not doing anything, though, because she hasn't done anything yet.

I know that she's inherently evil. The troll tried to attack people, and I know that's inherently evil. I know she's inherently evil, but she hasn't done anything. But she wouldn't fucking want to. The male Cholten slowly approaches you guys. He stops right before getting kind of like within arm's reach of you. Still, he's wringing his hands over each other. And now you can hear that he's kind of like blathering insistently into himself.

It's not really making sense. He's just saying things. You can also tell that it's in Cholton, not in common. So you need to understand Cholton to understand him. Guess what, Adam? You speak Cholton. I do. Like I said, he's just speaking nonsense.

I speak to him in Cholton and say, you're right, mate. You're out of wherever you were. Look, you're here. I backhand him. Not trying to knock him out, just to try to... You try to shake him out of his state. You manage to, for like a moment, you get clarity out of him. He looks at you, his eyes are wide and buggy,

and maybe he's drooling as well. But when he speaks, he speaks sense for the first time. Where am I? Where am I? What is this? What's going on? You're in Azarek's tomb in the city of Omo. You're on a bit bad.

It's really fucking bad. He's going. He's going. Everyone's on fire. He's going. I thought we'd leave him here. The other Cholten, the one dressed like someone from a long time ago, steps towards you. And in Cholten, the one dressed like someone from a long time ago, steps towards you.

And in Cholten, she addresses you, Pop. You speak our tongue? I'm from your place. Sort of. In a roundabout. Yes. I have known some of your kind. Turtle people.

Turtles, yes? Yes. The drow is just... The drow and the member of the yellow banner are just like watching you guys nervously. They haven't said or done anything yet. What's, um, so Adam, just because I'm an archaeologist, do I recognize how old the clothes she is wearing? With my history knowledge or something? Yeah, absolutely.

You would place her pretty accurately around the fall of Omu. Actually, you've got a practiced eye better than the others. So, in fact, the guy who's speaking nonsense, you can tell that he is probably from around the same period as well. They both look like they are as old as the fall of Omu, which is, let me just tell you, like- A long time ago. A long bloody time ago.

Artis Simber was kicking around being mortal back then. Which is, let me just tell you, like- A long time ago. A long bloody time ago. Are you- Artis Simber was kicking around being mortal back then. Were you- Are you from Oumu? Me? Yes. Yes. I am not from-

For Oumu. I am of Oumu, yes. Right. This is going to fuck your head up real good. What became of the city? We're in it She looks around No, that can't be right

Okay Where is the sky? I need you to sit down She stands up She Do you, Pop? No, you're pretty You're pretty insightful of other people pop you pretty

immediately realize that that like just a part in the back of your head like in a recessed part of the back of your head a little a little tiny version of pop pulls up some files that you can all the information that you know about this woman now and pulls up all the information that you know about yourself the little tiny pop looks at both of them and is like, we're going to argue a lot. We are the same fucking person. You tell her to sit down

and she looks at you like she wants to fucking smack you. Do not tell me to sit down. All right, then. So you fucking self. What year was it? What's the last thing Year you can remember? This is a big play considering

I don't know how to do dates in this world But that's okay The Lich He was coming through the city Smiting people left and right Yeah so this Is his house It's been around

For a really Really Long time omu is a ruin it's been a ruin for a really really really long time she spits on the ground not as like an insult to any of you you can just tell she's super mad where is the queen where is queen Queen Napaka? So she's dead. The woman grips her spear very tightly when you say that. How? She was kind of killed by the lich by turning her into some kind of horrific monster creature. A mummy, I suppose. a mummy, I suppose.

But she gave us this, and I take out the sun, the golden sun ball from that tomb. The woman looks absolutely furious. She looks like, if she could, steam would be coming out of her nose, ears, and mouth. She visibly reddens, like she's actually increasing in temperature. Maybe both of you can feel waves of heat, anger, and hatred washing off her. I must find this lich, and I will kill him.

Fabulous. We're doing the same thing. Then let us go, together. She breathes deeply. Today is a good day to die alright what's your name? Lucano she can't speak common can she?

she can't speak common she speaks so like as this happens I just want to be like pop is she about to kill us? just I don't want to tell you

what to just wait a sec because we've got to gather our things before we head off to kill we've got to prepare for a battle, et cetera, et cetera. I just simply look at you, Tiffany, and say, do you not speak Cholton? No. Ah.

You realize everyone else, Tiffany, has been following the conversation. You are the only person in this party who does not speak Cholton. Is it going well? She looks really mad. She's not mad at us. She's not mad at me. Well, she might be a little bit mad at me. She would have to be.

Everyone's usually a bit mad at me. Yeah. Get a good boy card. That was funny. So she's from the fall of Omu. What? She's been in that mirror since Omu fell. She wanted to know if the queen was still alive.

An old no-talkie is probably from the same era as she is. She wants to help kill the lich. She said, and I quote, today's a good day to die. We are not going to get along. She said she wasn't going to get along with you. No, I just intrinsically know that. I rub people the wrong way and she is very frictiony.

I thought she was going to try and kill you i mean she might still hello oh i don't know why that would i'd sort of try and wave and then realize that it's probably not gonna what's the drow doing but once your conversation kind of like dies down or finishes steps forward and says mine he speaks in like halting common my name is tlad hi tlad do you speak elven no sorry yes i speak so many fucking languages oh it's such a relief oh my god uh my name is tlad I am I heard your conversation with that woman It's been A long time since the fall of Omu I do not like this person Adam

Not because they're evil But because they're an elf Yep I I was a visitor to Omu And I was trapped here During the construction. Then the lich trapped my soul in the mirror.

Wait, the construction of this tomb? Yes. You helped build it? Yes, I did. Do you remember how to get through it? I remember parts of it, he says. It was, I don't know if you, it was a long time ago. Right, just so you know, was a long time ago. Right.

Just so you know, buddy, buddy, pal, friend, champ, buddy. Pop. I'm speaking Elvish. Do you speak Elvish? No, you just look mad. Right. I'm going to ask you a question. It's really fucking important how you answer that question.

Okay? Yes. Because you can either help us get out of this tomb, or this can become your tomb. Okay. Did you participate in the construction of this place willingly?

No, no one did. We were all slave labour. Yeah. Hold on. He built this place. He mightn't be able to help us get through it. I know parts of it, he says. He knows parts of it. That's so wonderful.

Thank you, Thad. Yes, and to thanks you as well. I try and give him a big handshake. Does that float? Okay. He accepts your handshake. The human steps forward and says, I believe I will be easier to speak

to. Hello, my name is Beef Longsteel. I'm a member of the Yellow Company. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Oh! I hold the chameleon out. Your friend? Yes, our little friend. Yes, we were using him to

trip traps until we were captured. I pulled the chameleon back. I remembered that they're not really friends and I put the chameleon back on my shoulder. We were captured by the tomb dwarves, the guardians of this place. They did unspeakable things to us and then set us loose

to trip their traps for them. To test their traps. I do not suppose you have met any of my compatriots, have you? Not alive. Not alive. I pull out the fairy. I suppose you have definitely met at least one of them, he says gesturing to you, Pop.

What are you saying about my appearance, buddy? I'm just simply saying you must have found an item from one of my friends. Why is that? You appear to be afflicted with the same curse. How do you know? This isn't just how I look. Very fucking presumptuous. I do not think so, but all right then. If Pop looks at me the way that Tom just did, I shake my head like,

who are you, who's this for? Who? I hold up the fairy and say, we've kept her safe. That is good. We were here to free her I do not suppose you have found by any chance the um I forget the item that we were in but one moment please

it was of course I remember now it was the eye of Zoltec of course I said that immediately I did not need to look that up in a book pretend. I said that immediately. I did not need to look that up in a book. Pretend like I said that immediately. The Cholten says, the Lucano. She says, have you seen my Minotaur?

Your Minotaur. Yes. Minotaur. Minotaur. He was also trapped in the mirror with me. Oh. Yes. Minotaur. He was also trapped in the mirror with me. Oh. So, Valindra,

I'm just going to assume because this was a nasty, awful piece of shit, and you are a nasty, awful piece of shit, that you have an intrinsic knowledge of it. I know some things about it, yes. Right. So, when I went in, did anyone get kicked out? Potentially, if you put in their cell. Right. So, the Right, so, when I went in Did anyone get kicked out? Potentially, if you put in their cell Right, so the Minotaur, he's out

In here somewhere It wouldn't have been How long was I in there for, actually? Half an hour? Then he could not have gone far We must find him Really? He's probably dead

Do you not want to fight with a Minotaur? I mean, I guess. Then that settles it. Art of Simba says, let's go look for your Minotaur friend. The what? He says that and jolts him. She's looking for a Minotaur. Oh.

We think he was in the mirror and when I got sucked in, he got booted out. You, look, you look like fucking shit. Like really fucked up. The last part was hurtful. Do you need a breather? Horns. I would really appreciate one. Did that happen while you were getting into here?

How did you find me? Where the fuck are we, actually? You catch each other up on what's happened in the meantime. You got a crown. So? Do you give the crown to Pop? Yeah. As you're handing it over, Valindra says, perhaps I might see this.

If anyone were to discover its secrets, it would be me. Sure, you can see. With your eyes. Not your hands. What if I saw with also my hands? Mmm, I'm just having to think about that. Pop, she...

No, no. Pop! What? I would have died if it wasn't for her. I risked my life, I risked everybody's life trying to get this crown for you. Do would have died if it wasn't for her. I risked my life. I risked everybody's life trying to get this crown for you. Do you know, if it weren't for Valinda's help, I wouldn't have an arm. We got stuck in the room, and the only way to get out was to cut off your arm. So why didn't you cut off your arm? Shut up.

We used magic. We tricked the trap. Oh oh that's pretty good if i didn't have my arm i wouldn't have saved you from that troll oh you overlander your life you can at least let her touch the crown oh all right but no i i let her touch it but I hate every fucking second of it. She picks it up, flips it over, casts several spells. She ultimately says, I will need to study it over the course of several days. We can begin now, she says. And as she gestures, a wall of force springs forward, covering the doorway, and you can have a nice rest here.

Thank you, Valindra. I do not sleep, Adam.. Thank you, Valindra. I do not sleep, Adam. Okay. I watch Valindra. Alright. You will not get a rest. That's so stupid. Are you doing a one hour or an eight hour rest? Eight hours. Please, please, eight hours.

You are going to stay awake for all eight hours? Mate, I do not trust Valindra. You're going to get fatigued. So you're not going to heal any hit points? We're not needing like a beat. We're not tired. It's not like I'm staying awake indefinitely.

I just don't trust Valindra because she, A, has that crown. B, she's evil. I suppose you just came out of the mirror. That would have been a calm time for you. Yeah, I was, well, I was in a mirror in a void with my own thoughts. So... Yeah, so relaxing, right? Very relaxing.

You'd be fine. Yeah. I think that's probably where you'd like to live and eventually die. Actually, to be honest, fucking loved it. I was by myself and it was quiet. Valindra's spell ends long before your rest does you can tell that it was just like a little thing she threw up kind of to punctuate the fact that she's holding on to the crown now uh but your rest nonetheless does eventually end after eight hours

you're not really feeling tired just yet pop because you just came out of the mirror but that's something that you probably don't want to keep doing you will eventually need to sleep unless you're feeling incredibly paranoid which hey maybe hey maybe i've been in a dungeon for a long time and my brain shattered into a million pieces earlier and i became four people when you are finishing packing up your camp artist simba who maybe finishes the first leads the way back down that dark, dusty corridor, and then taking a left turn so that you're heading north to the main chamber. As you approach the main chamber, you see a scene of gore. The Minotaur is here. Your friend Lukanu's Minotaur is here. The Minotaur clearly tried to exit this room without paying the toll to the gargoyles,

and it has been torn to shreds. The gargoyles, still perched atop their stone obelisks, or now once again perched atop their stone obelisks, are drenched in gore. All of them, you can see their fangs and claws are dripping with blood it steams hot and wet into the air i've got a question we've paid the toll already are they gonna remember that i would say it is every time we enter the room fuck i don't know if i have any more money um You need a platinum piece, a gold piece, a silver piece, a copper piece. The creatures will accept equivalent.

So if you don't have a silver piece, 10 copper will do. I want no gold. And the only gold thing I had was that golden ball, which I've given to fucking. Oh, did you give that to her? Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, that's surprising. Yeah.

Well, just considering, first off, your character and also considering the amount of effort you went to to get that ball in the first place. Think of it like this, Adam. Sure. I respect history and preserving history, right? So putting it in a museum. Not financial gain because that's where it belongs.

Where does an artifact belong more than with the people that it was actually belonging to? Really? It's hers. Yeah, absolutely. Everything I take is from dead people. They are long dead. This is the first time I've ever encountered things that are alive

that actually have a kind of weird ownership for it. So in Pop's brain, this is like she is the museum. It's her people's. What have you taken from Omu? A lot. I will give them to her later. She can just have the gold thing for now. Actually, what did I – so much.

So much. Holy holy symbols those tablets i have 350 pieces of gold according to my thinking can i just put a piece of gold in each yeah that's plenty yeah and you can pay for several people to be honest and a couple people probably need help paying for this all right it's per person yep So in total it costs you 11.11 gold pieces. So Valindra, Ardis, and Flask of Wine can pay for themselves. Ardis Simber, I don't know, maybe Ardis Simber pays for Pop, to be honest. Oh, thank you.

Ardis Simber hefts his coin bag. It's starting to get a bit light. And then he pays for the drow, the two Choltians, Lucanu, and the one who keeps mumbling. Just before he goes to pay for the last Cholton guy. Financially, is that wise? What do you mean? Would it not be better to maybe put him in a room on his own,

safe out of the way for a bit? Because he is absolutely going to die. If we leave him here, a wandering monster is absolutely going to get him. Right. So we're either leaving him here, maybe barricading it, and hopefully he's there when we get back. Maybe a monster will get him or we pay for him to definitely die in the next fight why wouldn't we protect him we can try

how's that going for us so far artisimber steps forward to the obelisk and from mumbles he begins putting the coins in as he puts the coins in, you hear on the inside, it's hollow eventually on the inside of the stone obelisk. And you can hear the tinkling sound of the coins rattling together every single time Artisembre puts another coin into the obelisk. He maybe uses this sound to punctuate what he says next. I, at first, when we first met, thought you were a brutish person who was on a noble quest.

Then, as I got to know you, Paul, I understood that you are more complicated than that. You're brutish, but with a softer center. But that softer center has a cold, hard, sharp, pointy center to it. But that center, well, you're layered, I suppose is what I'm trying to say. And I thought, inevitably, after layer upon layer upon layer upon layer, I would eventually find the true center,

and that true center would be soft. But it would appear that that true center thinks that 11 gold pieces is worth more than a human being. And he puts the final coin in. Hmm. And now a word from our sponsors. Hey, D&D is for nerds is great,

but if you wish we had a little more time to go on our weird tangents between roles, then good news. Our podcast, Shut Up a Second, is literally all weird tangents. Go to sanspantsradio.com, search Shut Up A Second, and let us lead you from the world of linear thought into a deep pit of chaos. We'll see you there. I go up and pay for the remaining people.

How many more people do I pay for? Only one other person. I just remember I paid for basically every one of your new companions except Biff Longfellow. Wow, flex. Yeah, I pay for myself. Longsteel, sorry. Myself and Beef.

He'll be beef to me. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, my lady. What is your name again? Tiffany? Yes. And where might you? He bows, grabs your hand, kisses it, and says. I curtsy.

I know that polite way to do things. Tiffany impeccably curtsy. I know that polite way to do things. Tiffany impeccably curtsies. She's been raised with the lords and ladies of Kandor. She knows how to curtsy. I haven't said a curtsy that good since I was at school. And what family are you of? Oh, I'm from the Grace family. A pleasure.

I have not the honor of knowing your family lineage until today. Oh, thank you. Oh, what's your background? Why, I am Beef Longsteel. My family was adventurous like me. We in search of danger and trouble. We are, as you may say, rowdy. This goes great.

We are, as you may say, rowdy is the absolute exact words on their family crest. I giggle. I'm very touched that this person has recognised my nobility and has simply been like, wow, I've not met your family before. Instead of being like, you aren't right. Having paid you away, you have two options down the hole or taking the staircase. I start marching down the stairs confidently, maybe to show up to Biff. So you're heading for the spiral staircase? Yes. Okay, cool. I'm not getting in the hole.

I'm at the back. Oh, I'm sorry, Tiffany. I get a bad boy card and you do a very poor job. You stumble at the steps. That's so embarrassing. My husband's here. But he comes to steady you. Does he? He's not quick enough.

But when you stumble, he says, my lady, are you okay? Oh, I'm fine. I fall a lot. This is not a place for a lady such as yourself. You should be at court with the nobles. Oh, oh, oh, that's a red flag. Um, no, no, no. I just walk forward.

I don't stumble this time. I hope it doesn't work. Yeah, you're fine. Okay. Look, you've I just walk forward. I don't stumble this time. I hope it doesn't work. Yeah, you're fine. Look, you've been more graceful, but you don't stumble. I am so sorry. He looks at you, Pop, and says, I am so sorry. I must have offended the poor girl. I did not mean it as an insult.

Did you just apologize to a man instead of me? I look at him and I'm like, you fucking idiot. Please let me reiterate, Sam. I am so sorry to have insulted you. I did not mean it in any such way. I thought we were simply the pitter-patter banter. Okay. That's all right then.

I assure you if you have gotten this far in the dungeon, you must be quite capable. In fact, I have seen you kill a troll. It's like the first thing I ever saw you do. Thank you. Okay, I love him again. He just made a mistake. I've made mistakes.

Oh, fuck. Wow, yeah, that red flag's still there, though. I just look at him, and I'm just like, bud, you gotta earn banter. Yeah, good boy, you gotta earn banter. Yeah, good boy, Carl. That was good. Not really, but just in the distance.

No, he doesn't. He's fine. All right. You head to the spiral staircase and you start making your way down. I'm at the back too. I'm not. Where's Valindra? Valindra's in the middle.

Yeah, I'm at the back. All right. Where's Arindra? Valindra's in the middle. Yeah, I'm at the back. All right. Where's Ardus, actually? Ardus Simba is maybe actually falling back to get in stride with you. You can see Valindra and the drow are in conversation. Yeah, yeah. I don't even notice that. I am very fucked up by everything that has just been said to me by Ardus Simba, because maybe he's right.

At the bottom of the staircase, a dark corridor leads to the south while a stone door with iron hinges and a brass knob stands to the east. There is also a mace lying on the floor. Huh. What the fuck is that? Well, at least we know where the bottom is now. I'm not touching it. Did anyone want to be possessed a bit by a god?

Valindra takes out a sheet of paper and rolls the mace up in it and then collects it and puts it in her bag. Hang on. No, no, no, no, no. Thank you, Valindra. Over here. Pop it in my bag. Are on. No, no, no, no. Thank you, Belindra. Over here. Oi. Pop it in my bag.

Are you going to touch it? No. Pop it in my bag. Oh, I'm so sorry. Was that insulting to describe? Because you definitely have not touched this several times before. Do you think my fears are not justified? No, they're fine.

I just don't trust you with that. Between the of us i am the one who seems more you know what fine let's put it in your backpack pop i really think maybe she should keep it no it's i'm not gonna use that one that goes fucking insane yeah but if it's in your i can't imagine velindra needs anything from her bag she's so powerful she she pops it into your backpack. Wongo's chaotic evil. I act without concern for the well-being of others. If she just happened to brush it and he got in her head, she would become unstoppable. That is very funny.

I am stoppable. When that happens, Pop, you're facing away so you don't see it. Tiffany, you see Artis Simber and Valindra exchange a significant glance. Artis Simber looks worried and concerned and he turns away. After, like, the significant glance, Artis Simber turns away so that Valindra cannot look at him. I casually meander up to Artis and just sort of brush his arm and say, I'm sorry, I'm trying. Artis Simber gestures towards the doorway and the passage to the south.

Where would we like to go then? The door. You step out into a large underground lake. There are several strange-looking cogs with what looks like rooms sitting atop them. They are all connected and there's a lot of like strange mechanisms and stuff going on here. You're not sure what this room is, but it seems like one, this entire floor looks like one giant powerful machine. And the cogs have rooms on them.

Does it look like we could get into the rooms from this side from from the lake it does not look very easily done you up sorry i forgot to mention the gears moving the cogs no they all well there are gears within gears within gears that are moving but the rooms are not rotating on the gears but they interlocked so if you moved one they don't move yes sorry i also forgot to mention you're on like a little dock there's a couple of boats lashed to the dock and you can see some sort of diving cage also attached to the dock like i said you can't really see any obvious method of moving or like getting into the rooms on the lake but you also can't see a lot because of the big mechanisms in the way.

What? Well, if there's a diving bell, you can breathe underwater. Do you want to see if there's anything to be seen? I can't breathe underwater, but I can hold my breath for a really fucking long time. Right. Sorry, I get them mixed up. I have to.

Do you climb into the diving cage and go down them? Yeah, I do. mixed up i have to do you climb into the diving cage and go down them yeah i do the rusty iron gate on the side of the cage provides ingress you think that two medium or two human-sized creatures could fit comfortably in the cage if you're the only one who climbs in the second you step inside you feel like a strange wet sensation wash over you that isn't just the water. And you can now – actually, you immediately have trouble breathing. You start gasping.

This is bad. This is deliriously bad. What do you do? Wait, you're not in the water yet, are you? No, he's not in the water yet, are you? No, he's not in the water There's like water in the air It's really hard to talk I think you can breathe underwater now

Just have a go I stick my head in the water You can breathe water Come back out You're right It's really hard to breathe out here though Okay I wonder if it affects outside the cage I step out of the cage Come back out. You're right. It's really hard to breathe out here, though. Okay.

I wonder if it affects outside the cage. I step out of the cage. You step out of the cage and the effect leaves you. I step back into the cage. The effect reappears. Lower me in. Okay. As you are lowered down in the cage.

Wait, there's a room for two people? Yeah, there's a room for two people. I don't want to come with. Yes. Oh, you go? room for two people? Yeah, there's a room for two people. I don't want to come with. Yes. Oh, you go? Yes, I do want to go. I want to be able to breathe underwater. That sounds fun. I'm usually a fire.

That's like the opposite. All right, both of you climb right into the cage and you are lowered down. I need to make a very important roll. Roll. As you're lowered in, you can see that the floor of this ocean is covered in fluorescent crabs. Little crabs about, well, the size of a crab, to be honest. Wait, what kind of crab? Eaten crabs?

No, nothing that big. They're very, very small. Like the sort of crabs you would commonly encounter on a beach. Small boys. Okay. There's eight. like the sort of crabs you would commonly encounter on a beach small boys okay there's eight when you uh so when the cage actually hits the ground there are eight that are immediately accessible like you could reach out and grab them they don't seem to be too bothered by you

but there are a lot of them as soon as you're like any way into the water you don't need dark vision to see the water is incredibly well lit as you are here though you can see something large and dark looming from the northeast it's almost upon you before you can do anything i hope it's a friendly crab called jeremy hey adam why are there nice things in this dungeon would you like to describe it oh okay so fuck no um If you have watched Star Warms. Star Warms? Yes, the George Lupus special. There are the Twi'leks or the Twi'leks?

Noodle heads. They've got big noodles and they make it so that the women noodle people are sexy and I think they have sexy feelings in their head tentacles. So imagine they had eight head tentacles, right? Their eyes are stacked one on top of the other in the centre and there are three. Yep. Triple cyclops eyes.

Their mouth is most of their face, no nose, a lot of teeth, just like a really – the teeth go all the way around, so it's like a suck pit. And then no body or neck. That's the creature. Hey, quick question. Before you go in the cage, what do you do with your chameleon? Oh, flask of wine.

Yeah, good call. It approaches at rapid speed, incredibly quickly. It's basically upon you really before you can do anything. We did not come up with a signal about how we should get pulled out. Telepathically, both of you hear a voice in your mind. Hey, guys, what's up? You were not expecting that. Adam, I thought I was going to die.

Who's there? Wait. Hey, it's me. Are you the large fish in front of us? I'm an abaleth. My name's Gullirule. Hey, how's it going? With all the teeth and the-

Hi, Gullirule. It waves a tentacle at you. I wave a hand. It's so nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you too. I don't get visited here very often. What is happening? Well, we actually haven't been here before, so I guess it's new for both of us.

Yeah. How are you doing today? I'm good. How are you? What are you doing here? Who lives here? I got put here by the dark guy. The Lith, whatever it's called.

Azzurak. Azzurak, yeah, that's the name. Is he your friend? No. He's the other guy's friend. The other guy. Which other guy? The other guy, in my head. What do you mean, the other guy in your head? There's another person in my head. There's me, and there's the mean guy. What's the mean guy's name?

Mean guy? He's also Gully Rule. We're the same person. After recent experiences, Pop empathizes with this man completely. In fact, Pop has never probably empathized with a thing more in his life. So what you're saying is that you share a head with another you who is mean and friends with Azarak. Yeah, something like that. No, no, the other guy isn't friends with Azarak either. Did I say that?

I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I get mixed up sometimes. Both of us are looking for the dark god, the dead god, whatever his name is. I forget. The other guy knows better than I do. Dead god.

Like? I'm trying to remember. The death god. Yeah, the death god. We're waiting for the death god. He heralds the fall of divinity. When he comes around, all of this is going away. I'm trying to remember. The Death God. Yeah, the Death God. We're waiting for the Death God. He heralds the fall of divinity. When he comes around, all of this is going away.

The Aboleth, Ghoulirul, puts up a tentacle and then gestures, like, around to emphasize all of this stuff. So, if someone had an Oesserach, you wouldn't really care? Nah. Azzurak fought me here. I don't want to be here. I want to be in the ocean. You think I want to be in a pool? I wouldn't imagine so. Yeah. Well, you're just lucky you got this guy. He points to himself. I'm the nice one. You get the other guy.

He would have mind-controlled you and, like, I don't know, made you kill yourself or something. What if we offered to help both of you? The nice guy in the middle. He ain't listening to a reason, the other guy he would have mind controlled you and like i don't know made you kill yourself something what if we offered to help both of you the nice guy the other guy he ain't listening to the other guy oh god when does he flip personalities this is the worst this is a gigantic amphibious aquatic time bomb scary yeah the other guy. Yeah, the other guy, yeah, he's not good. He'll hurt you. Yeah, you don't want to talk to him. You want to talk to me.

But I don't know. With his tentacle, where the tentacles join onto his body, he shrugs. Right, right. Well, it was really, I'm glad we met you as well. You're so lovely. A lot of the creatures who live here haven't been really nice to us. I couldn't imagine. Most of them here serve Azurak.

That's his name, right? Azurak? Azurak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I keep thinking he has lips somewhere in his name, like L-I-P-S. Lips. I think there's somewhere in his name. No, he's a lich.

That's where I get mixed up. That makes a lot of sense. Do you know what I hope more than anything else in the world is that they both speak the same. Their personalities are just different. I give Tiffany a look because I realized that he's speaking into our brains directly, so it doesn't matter if we speak a language he can't speak.

Yeah. I just give you a look that's like, oh, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look back at Gary. Go, Gary? Gahool. Gahool. Oh, his name is Gully Rule.

Gully Rule. You're very lucky as well that not only the other guy isn't here, but that also, what's his name? Gora. Gora isn't here either. You his name? Gora. Gora isn't here either. You're lucky because Gora were here. Gora can make me do things. Oh, who's Gora?

He's in charge of the tomb dwarves. He's like their leader. I think his office is on level two. We've been there. No, you haven't. It's the only room you haven't explored. Really? Yes. That is phenomenal only room you haven't explored. Really? Yes.

That is phenomenal. That also doesn't surprise me. We are incompetent. Yeah, Gora, he's got, like, I don't know, he's got some power over us. Azerak gave him power. Azerak kind of controls me, too. I don't like it, but he does.

But Azerak is never around, you know? Well, Jimmy, I'm going to continue, but he does. But other actors are never around, you know? Well, Jimmy. No, no, continue, actually. That seems like vital information. He's always working downstairs or somewhere else or something. You know, liches. Yeah. Lipses.

That's what I thought they were called. That's crazy. That's stupid. That's not stupid. I think it's cute. I think it's like funny stupid. I'm not insulting myself. Oh, no, it's funny.

Don't insult yourself. You're great. Don't worry insulting myself. Oh, no, it's funny. Don't insult yourself. You're great. Don't worry about me. I've got high self-esteem. He, with a tentacle, jabs his own chest to emphasize that. Question. Yeah? How will we know if your mean friend shows up?

If I'm a mean friend, I'm not going to talk to you. If I'm a mean friend, you're dead. But how do I know when your mean friend is on his way? Sometimes he's here, sometimes he's not. I don't really control that. I don't know. It happens sometimes. That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. I just, my eyes are like the fuck. It was so

nice to meet you, Goodly Rule, but we've got people we have to go back to. That's fair. It was so, it really was nice to meet you. Can you help? Can I help? Yeah. Yeah, I can help if you want to know something. Yeah, how do we get down on a level? Hang on.

I've got to look up the specific rules for how I answer questions. I'm not saying this in character because there's not actually – well, there is specific rules, but not in the – like for role-playing purposes, you're basically casting the commune spell right now oh we just don't realize no you well you're not actually just how i answer questions work the same way the commune spell works that's all but it it's just like a rule for how i know things you know anyway i can answer look i don't have to request them but it hurts to

think about this sort of stuff. He says tapping his head. I'm talking in character now. I was still talking with the list before, but I was talking out of character. It was Adam speaking at the DM. Now it's me speaking at the thing to you. So it hurts to think about this sort of stuff. So you can ask one question, but then I've got to go have a nap.

I get tired. Ghost nap. I get tired. Gosh, question. Oh, wait, no, this isn't about the tumour. It's just about your personality. You can ask me, sorry, one question. I mean three questions. Yes or no. Yes or no questions.

Can I just ask you about himself? Does that count as the questions? You can ask me about myself, too, but three questions, that's it. We've already asked him a whole bunch of stuff. This is different. This is a question about the tongue. Oh, no, this too. Three questions, that's it. We've already asked him a whole bunch of stuff. This is different. This is a question about the dunce. Oh, no, this is just I want to know about you. We were just chatting before.

This is important. Can I just chat a bit more, then? Okay, go on. Just from a statistical point, after your naps, what's the likelihood of your friend turning up? I don't know. It's like 50-50, kind of. Sometimes I feel like I'm

flipping a coin, depending on if I'm mean or nice, you know? Isn't that always the way? This is so stressful. I'm sure you can relate, Pop. Relate to what? How are we talking to one another? We're out of water.

Magic. Yeah, we actually can't. Don't worry about it we're out of water magic yeah we actually can't it's magic don't worry about don't ask questions yeah i got all sorts of crazy powers you don't want to know what can you do um mucus clouds look i know it doesn't sound impressive but um uh i got like a mucus thing i shoot it at you and it wraps around you or whatever it's like a poison basically and what happened is it means you can only breathe water for a certain amount of time. And you're thinking like, oh, that's not a big deal.

I mean like, well, if you want to leave, you're going to start choking upstairs, aren't you? Wow. You can only breathe water. That's a good one. Do you have any like – I think that's impressive. You sound pretty strong, champ.

Do you have a – are you weak to anything Or are you just really strong I'm not going to tell you how to kill me No I'm just telling you the sort of stuff To know to keep You say friend but I'm literally reading your mind right now Leave me alone No I genuinely think he's my friend Oh well yeah you're fine

But this one here I don't like him He's too cold and calculated he's got like your friend said it's too many layers i can't tell what's the middle so yeah i got the tentacles and i got my tail he brings up the main what you thought was a main tentacle but is actually you can see now a tail this thing here oh don't want to get hit by that it causes a lot of damage your diving bell thing, I just wrap my tentacles around and crush it. That's not really the mean guy style. Mean guy style is he can enslave people.

Like, you know, make your mind his. And then, well, you know, then I don't need to fight you because you fight for me. What's with the crabs? With the crabs? They'd open the door upstairs. You came down the stairs, didn't you? If you come from the other direction, not from the stairs, if you come from outside, the door, you need to feed it a crab,

otherwise it won't open. But make sure you feed it a crab because if you feed it anything else, it'll grab you and it'll teleport you, take you into a jail. It's no good. That's one of your yes or no questions, by the way. Can I just pick up a crab? Sure. Just for...

As long as your friend's holding the door open. When the door closes, that's when you're in trouble. Grab another crab. That's fine, yeah. Whatever. I eat them, but that's fine. I'm sorry, did you need them? No, it's a lot of them.

Okay. If you come by while the mean guy's here, I'm going to eat you. Okay, then that's fair. Well, I'll keep the crabs then. Thank you, if you come by while the mean guy's here. I'm going to eat you. Okay. Then that's fair. Well, I'll keep the crabs in. Don't let the mean guy eat you. Don't come down here. Okay.

It's no good. Stand the gears or something like that. It's dangerous, but you don't want to fight me. How do we get in the gears? That's my yes or no question, Pop. You fucking idiot. That's fine. I don't mind that much.

It's like kind of a loose rule. You came through the door if you go down the corridor uh there'll be like a doorway and a path this way and that'll get you you you'll find it pretty easy there's like one path just watch out this is a dangerous level next level more dangerous obviously but this one's you know this one's no good also my slime, the boy, Goon, what's his name? Gora. Thank you. He comes down sometimes and he collects my slime and he puts it about the place. So watch out.

It's dangerous. You step on it, you might start needing a bit of water. You come back down here, I'm no good. Then I fight you, I kill you, or I mind control you. That's even worse. You don't want to be down here with me. It's no good don't like it yeah well i'm really enjoying being down here with you now well yeah it's because company you know yeah no on my own it's just me and my thoughts and the other guy he's mean he's mean i don't like him yeah yeah he's not good would you like me to

fight him for you you can't you kill him you kill me oh no we won't do that no anyway you also um if you want it's harder but you can't get that. No. Anyway, also, if you want, it's harder, but you can get into the cracks in the gears and get into the mechanism. You could probably skip, you know, a bit of this dungeon if you wanted to do that. You could skip a bit of this dungeon doing that. But, like, it's hard. It's hard to climb. There are gaps in the gears you can get in, but, like, yeah, it sucks.

It sucks to try. And I'd love to see you again, but if we were on the boats trying to get into the gaps in the gears. Oh, if you get on the boat, the mean guy won't touch you. Oh, it's just underwater? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, literally the boat. Literally the boat, I don't touch you.

I don't know. It's the magic of the place. Gora, whatever his name is. He, yeah, it's no good. But, yeah, if you get in the boat, you'll be safe. That's your third question, by the way. Oh. That's it.

I've got to go sleep now. I'm tired. I'll see you later. All right, we're going to. Why don't you do me a favor before you go to sleep? Can you count to ten? One, two, three, four, five. We get him to pull us up while he's counting.

I don't want him to fall asleep and immediately become the evil guy. I want to tug on the chain. All right. You get lifted back up onto the dock. Oh, fucking hell. So there is a very big creature under there. Don't go in the water. Do not go in the water.

He was so kind, but he's got the pop thing where he's got a bad part of him. Half of the party does not know what that means, but they just accept it for now. What the fuck? Do you mean a pop? So there's a big creature under, and he was so kind. He was so helpful. He actually told us a lot of the things.

Okay, there's going to be mucus everywhere. Don't touch the mucus. If you touch the mucus, you have to breathe. You stop being able to breathe air and you have to breathe underwater and if you get down there when the bad part of that guy's brain takes over he will kill you or mind control you which he said was worse so i don't know what he was going to make you do we cannot get back in the water it's the bad part the pop part which part could tiffany possibly mean find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chot. SansPantsPlus community. There's over 20 bonus shows, a SansPantsPlus Discord, exclusive video content, and discounts on merch. Just head to SansPantsRadio.com and follow the links.

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