D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult III #18 Turning on a Dime

Episode Date: February 6, 2021

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most cowardly podcast network. Welcome to Season 3, Episode 18 of Zombie Plagued Chult. Prebehrman, Miss Lin. Awaken, Napaka. Napaka. Does that name... familiar? Do I recognise it? Mean anything to you? Yes, it absolutely...

It's the name of the queen. Essentially, the Eye of Zoltek pins the soul in place to the eye itself, and then the soul is at the mercy of whoever is wielding it. Her hair moves like a summer breeze. As she stands up, both of you feel the warmth of a summer's day wash over you. She looks like an elf, but she is not. You see that Flask of Wine's injuries slowly knit themselves back together.

And when he stands up completely, you see she lets go of him and he stands steady for the first time in days. Why would I do anything to hurt you? Do you think I care about your lives? I don't think you should. I would describe it as a passing interest. Like someone might take a hobby and

refuses to let your mind become an empty, hollow, infinite universe. Holy shit. Oh my god. Hey, how you going? Lucanu steps over, grabs it, and yanks with all her strength. Oh, fuck. She

breaks it not only up, but out. She breaks the lever out of the mechanism. We have a backup. If all else fails, go to three. We know what's in three. You know how bad of this stuff. Thank you. Having formed a plan for progressing through the cogs, you've got almost an immediate surprise

upon you. When you return back to that middle cog, you... Oh, who's in the lead? Me. Yeah, brave. I'm right behind you. When you return back to that middle cog, you... Oh, who's in the lead? Me. Yeah, brave. I'm right behind you. Tiffany, you can hear something moving in the cog ahead of you. Something shifting

in the plants. We already released something potentially by moving the cogs. What do you want to do? So it was ever in that tops possibly already out already. I'm going to prepare a spell. What's up? We let something out.

Get ready to fight. I look at him. Yes. You might get to kill something. Good. She says. You enter the room. I love this woman.

I love your wife. These three mounds that are shambling. Fuck. Make their way out of the vegetation towards you. I love this woman. I love your wife. These three mounds that are shambling. Oh, you fuck. Make their way out of the vegetation towards you. Lucanu moves before either of you can with lightning speed. God, she's cool. I love this fucking woman. She hefts a great axe before her head and screaming,

she slices a massive vine off one of them. It hits the ground with a wet thok. Tiffany, it's your turn. One of them is currently in melee with Lukanu. The other two are menacing you, but have not reached you yet. Am I able to cast Agonizar's Scorcher through the two that are not engaged with combat? No, unfortunately you could only hit one of them. Okay, well, no, let's go one.

I'm going to go Agonizar's Scorcher on the one closest to me. It makes a dexterity saving throw which I believe it will pass, actually. Oh, no, no. Wow, no, it fails. Alright. I was about to say, there is no way a shambling mound of

vegetable matter, a big vine boy, is dexterous. It's not a nimble motherfucker. You see that the flames lick at the creature, but don't seem to really be doing much damage. I hate that. You deal five points of damage. Adam, it's the rule of Pokemon.

11 points of quotation marks damage. Adam, it's the rules of Pokemon. Fire beats grass. I tried my best to follow the rules. Fire against Sudowoodo? Oh, fuck. No, he's right. I can't believe I the rules of Pokemon. Fire beats grass. I tried my best to follow the rules. Yeah, do you ever use fire against Sudowoodo? Oh, fuck. No, he's right. I can't believe I just got out Pokemon.

Yeah. Yeah, that hurt me. I'd use my Pokemon knowledge. And do you know what? Sudowoodo got me the exact same way. I think Sudowoodo got everyone the exact same way. Yeah. Artist plugs one of them with an arrow.

The arrow passes kind of through the creature tearing through vines and creating like a small puncture wound in the creature but the creature just kind of keeps moving it doesn't seem to care too much then it is biff's turn biff long steel charges in and he fights right beside lucano damn it's still my Fuck. He hefts a morning star before him, bringing it down once and twice on the creature. He, unfortunately, I don't think scores a single hit. Ha, suck shit, Biff. The creature's thick, viney hide. That doesn't help us.

Yeah, but, you know, it annoys me because I wanted to fight next to my wife. The creature's thick, viney hide protects it from Biff's blows. Oh, thick. Pop, it's your turn. What I would like to do is Zephyr Strike. Oh. Plus. This is a new move for you.

Shagambi. Plus me just being a bowler. I'm going to fucking go after that big pile of veggies that's fighting with Locarno and Biff. You cast Zephyrus Strike and then charge in with Holy Avenger. You are granted an extra attack this round. And, mate, I get an extra attack every turn because of my good friend Tiger. You get four attacks.

First attack is a hit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, hit. Second attack, hit. Third attack is a hit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, hit. Second attack, hit. Third attack, hit. Fourth attack, hit. You hit four times.

Yes. Holy Avenger. You bring Holy Avenger down again and again and again and again on the creature. You deal an extra D8 because of Zephyr's Strike. That's a lot of dice, Cass. That's a lot of dice. That's a lot of dice. Why didn't I do this more often? Good question. Tom. because of Zephyr's strike. That's a lot of dice, Cass. That's a lot of dice. You hear the noise, there's a lot of dice.

Why didn't I do this more often? Good question. Tom. Why do I try to negotiate when that is literally my worst skill? Tom, these aren't questions that can be answered by anyone aside from you. You're right. You deal 33 points of damage after with blood. No, wait, sorry.

I missed out on your extra 32 points of damage after with no wait sorry i missed out on your extra 32 points of damage so you deal 33 plus 32 you deal uh what's that 65 points of damage ah cass i don't think diplomacy is for me i don't think it is at all because usually when you try and use diplomacy you start the fight yeah it's true it's uh i guess you could say that diplomacy, you start the fight. Yeah, it's true. I guess you could say that diplomacy is my, oh, which bolt? The rest of the party is impressed. Including his wife? Including his wife.

Yes. Is Artis impressed? Artis is impressed, yeah. Good. You deal some really solid fucking blows. Are they impressed at the start and then think, wait, why doesn't he? Jesus. You mossy fuck i'm not gonna lose a fight to fucking algae two bolts of arcane energy streak past both of you striking the everyone's kind of started focusing on one of the creatures that pop, Lucanu, and Biff are fighting. Biff isn't fighting it. The two arcane bolts strike, exploding deep within the creature.

You can see that they were fired by Tlad the Drow. He deals 18, 28 points of damage. He is not dead yet, Cass. I have liked other things better than this news, certainly. And there are two more. Well, I'm going to bring out my green flame light in a little bit. I'll type. The Starfallen starts singing.

She steps forward, opens her mouth, and as she sings, you hear like a beautiful echoing return almost, like a second person is singing back to her before you realize what's happening you can see that she has a little lute in her hands that she gently strums as she sings her song all three of the creatures lower their arms turn to look at her and stop fighting it's their turn they do nothing i love her oh my fucking god i love her it's lucano's turn she lowers her weapon looks at the star fallen and does nothing immediately tiffany should i attack who do you say that star fallen she shakes her head as she sings

i start sneaking toward the back exit where the new door has opened up. Artis Simba looks impressed at the star fallen and then follows Tiffany. Biff lowers his weapon as well. He actually doesn't spend any of this turn moving because he spends all of his turn and it's not like he doesn't intend to move. He just quickly, like it's an impulse within him, turns around, gets on one knee with his sword before him and salutes the star fallen.

That's his turn. My turn. I look at Tiffany. I look at Biff Longsteel. I look back at Tiffany and just make a wanker gesture over his head. Get a good boy card. That's very funny. Hearing the best thing you've ever heard in your entire life

and you're like, oh, enjoying this wouldn't be cool. Talad rolls. Hey, no, no, no. I like the singing. What do you do? I don't like the bowing. I follow Tiffany and others. Talad rolls his eyes and follows.

The star-fallen gestures with her hand and the three creatures slink back into the moss where they came from. You move on to the next room. Is Flask with us as well? Oh, fuck. I forgot about Flask. Because he kept, yeah. Sorry, I forgot to add him into the initiative.

Because he used to be so fucked. It was pointless. Just assume he maybe missed with his bow or whatever. But he's, yeah, he's up and running about. He hasn't been in the game for a while. Give him a, you know. He's rusty. All right.

You move on to room 60. The dreaded cog of blood. Five teak wardrobes stand against the ironclad walls of this chamber, each with a door bearing a carved image or scene. Puddles of grey slime cover parts of the floor. The room has two exits, including an adamantine portcullis blocking a passage to the north. Set into a metal plate above the portcullis

is a row of five red crystals shaped like drops of blood. So the features of this room are that exit to the southeast, the portcullis blocking the north way, five wardrobes against the walls of the room, and each door bears a carved image that you can go up and inspect. I'm going to blast away the slime. All right, you get rid of the slime. And then we'll suss the doors.

We'll suss the doors. Which wardrobe would you like to, oh, well, you don't have to inspect a wardrobe, I suppose, but what would you like to do? I'm going to go to the south. It's open, right? You can just leave the room. As I just investigate the open part.

Well, then I'm going to follow you, aren't I? I don't really have a choice in my heart. I'm going to go see what's down the open door before we worry about all these fucking cupboards. You genuinely threw me for a loop. I thought you'd just... Thus far, your plan has just been to enter a room, bash your head against the problem until it's solved,

and then keep moving. But, Adam, I'm one treasure away. You are one treasure away. And I figure it'll be somewhere. Okay, if you start going toward the south, I will follow you, and I'm just going to clock back at the room it did the does he wardrobes identical is there anything well they've all got images embossed upon them do you can stop to investigate or you can follow pop those are

your options is anyone following me if tiffany hesitates then the party does split up yes because i'm gonna say artisisembre and Flask of Wine are going to dawdle behind staying near Tiffany. But while that happens, the Starfallen, Bifflonsteel, Lucanu, Tlad the Drow, and Mumbles, theoretically, are following you. No, we're already split up. We need to stay with the Starfallen so we can talk to Valindra.

I'm going to go with Pop. It's also much splitting up as well. Do you know what I love, Adam, is in that moment the people who were not going to follow me into a room were people who have been with me for a long time. They've been with me the same amount.

Yep. Think about it, though. Were they hesitant to follow Pop or concerned for Tiffany's safety? Both insulting. Yes. A life-sized golden statue of a mastodon stands atop a one-foot-high stone cog at the center of this room. Jeweled tusks sweep from its jowls, and its trunk is raised in a roar. sweep from its jowls and its trunk is raised in a roar. Inscriptions coil around the statue's body

and murals on the walls show a Chaltian warrior riding a living mastodon through a series of hellish landscapes. In each scene, a different breed of devil assails them. And pop. You know what?

I'm not even going to roll. You just know. The murals on the walls tell the story of Chagakari. Would you like the spelling? No, I would just say it phonetically. Chagakari, a Chiltian warrior who stole his king's prized steed, a mastodon named Gorm.

As punishment, the king's sorcerers banished Chagakari. Chorm to the Nine Hells, but the two fought their way back home. On his return, Chagakari chopped off the king's head and turned his skull into a jeweled chalice. Any character? Oh, yeah, sorry. You barely, well, you know the murals are the story of Chogokari. Yeah. You almost immediately recognise it. And you would assume that this is potentially a statue dedicated to Gorm?

potentially a statue dedicated to Gorm? Does the fact that Chagakari made off with the king's mastodon Gorm, does that indicate that the king was Gormless? Well, technically and literally he was, yes. What spirits are in your heads right now? I've got Shigambi. Kubuzan. Kubuzan has nothing of notes to say about this room just the same inane chatter in the back of your head shigambi however oh actually oh no pop yes

do you tell anyone else about the story of chikikari when we walk in yeah so what you're saying is do i walk into a room immediately recognize an archaeological piece of information yeah oh no no you recognize it do you say anything about it does no one else recognize it no i'd be like i'd tell tiffany okay well if you put it out to tiffany chigambi who is also listening in the back of your mind concludes that the whole is constructed to present similar challenges. This is some sort of test. You notice that the mastodon, it's weird that this might be a temple devoted

to the mastodon, not the man. So you conclude that it is odd that Gorm has no rider. What? Conclude that it is odd that Gorm has no rider. Hmm. What? Right. So, as I explained in great detail about the story of Chagakari.

Chagakari. Chagakari. Yes, and thank you for that. No worries. Do you not think it's unusual that you would build a relic or a tomb for a steed without a rider? What? Oh, no. Shigami seems to think there might be some test involved here. a tomb for a steed without a rider. What? Oh, no. She gave me a similar thing.

There might be some tests involved here. Also, sculpt chalice, the final art for the collection. If anyone is inspecting the mastodon, let me know. Oh. There isn't a way to stop you from doing this, is there? I mean, yes. So there's a circumstance in which you don't want the chalice? I guess. Do you not want me to have the chalice?

That's not fair. Of course I want you to have what you want. All right, in that case, there's nothing stopping me from taking this chalice. Oh, gosh. All right, so what are you doing, Pop? I'd like to investigate the... Golden Mastodon? No, the drawings of the leafs on the wall.

All right. So you see there are five murals in total. Each of them show Chigari kind of like moving through scenes from the nine hells. In the first mural... Oh oh do you go clockwise or counter clockwise it's from the left as i walk into the room like i'm reading a book clockwise yeah in the first mural you identify four spined devils they're kind of a relatively weak devil, as far as devils go, at least. They're like a flying type creature. They rely mostly on hit and run type tactics.

In the next one, there's three strange looking bearded. Oh, Tiffany, what are you doing as well? I mean, I'll follow and have a look at everything. Maybe I'll inspect. No, I'll inspect no i'll inspect the mastodon without touching it all right i'll get to you in a tick then in the second mural pop you uh see three strange presumably types of devils three strange creatures with weird looking beards but you don't know what they are in the third one you recognize two barbed devils these creatures are

significantly more challenging shall we say than a spined devil they're well incredibly barbed creatures as the name might imply it is difficult to touch them physically, like part of their defense, like a porcupine basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they can also magically conjure and throw fire. Okay. What if an echidna was also the devil? What if Sonic the Hedgehog was a Satan?

He's got to go fast. They're not that quick. Got to go fast on the highway to hell. There are two of the third uh fourth sorry type of creature once again you're not really sure what it is it's some sort of devil presumably it it's big and it looks tough and then in the final one you see uh you know it's called an erin yes and erin yes is like a it's a very powerful devil but you're not sure how strong you just know that they're tough it's wearing armor and you see it carries a sword and a and a whip okay okay tiffany

inspecting the golden mastodon you see first off that it sits like i said before it sits on a giant cog and you deduce that it is meant to turn. That checks. Which panel is it facing at the moment? It's just facing the door. So it's not facing any of the panels. You see that there is an inscription on the statue written in presumably old Ulman, but you're not, you don't know.

Can anyone read this? And if you don't touch the golden mastodon you you see nothing else you can only get so close yeah um surely lucano and or mumbles can speak that language mumbles you have no idea what language he speaks really he's just saying random things he speaks mumbles lucano kneels down and translates for you let your bones watch over my treasure brave gone as you have carried me into the inferno so shall i rise from death to defend my riches i yeah maybe this isn't a trial so much as a trap lucanu who has not been told explicitly not to touch anything and who just isn't as careful

as either of you, which is saying something, climbs up onto the golden mastodon. Well, if it moves, pointed at the first panel. She sits in its saddle and looks at the back of its head. You see that she has like a quizzical expression. Like she's thinking hard. What's up there? There is a slot of some sort, yeah? To put something in.

She reaches into a pack and produces that star-like lever that she tore off the control panel earlier. She looks at that and then looks at the back of the Mastodon's head. You notice, both of you, that they are the same colour. Gold. Go on. She jams it into a slot that neither of you can see in the back of the Mastodon's head

and a thunderous trumpeting sound erupts from the Mastodon's trunk. All of you die. I'm kidding. Causing a block of stone to seal off the room. The cog under the mastodon's feet then begins to revolve, letting the statue face each of the

murals in turn. It slowly begins moving. It doesn't stop. Like a clock. Yeah. Now, so, highs or lows? Highs. Highs. Alright. So, Art December, not in the room. You know what? Don't care.

I'm off him. Somehow, Lucanu, not in the room. No. Flossica Vine is in the room. Biff is in the room. Plaid is not in the room. And neither is the Starfallen. Oh, shit.

They'd peeled off for a separate conversation. You just realize as it closes down behind you, both of them look around with shock on their faces. So it is just you, you two, flask of wine, biff long steel. That's it. And Lucano. Oh, and Lucano, yes. Oh, where's Mumbles?

Mumbles? Mumbles is on your side. Oh, fuck. Let's go to initiative, we Oh I suppose we shall Flask of wine is first The room is just sealed And nothing has actually happened yet Flask of wine does nothing

There's nothing he Particularly wants to do this turn Tiffany would you like to do anything I would like to ready my green flame blade for something to happen. Nothing's happened yet. So nothing's happened yet. It's Lucanu's turn. She hops down off the mastodon,

uh, and she has nothing. She particularly wants to do pop. Is anything happening? Nothing has happened yet. The room is just sealed up. The mastodon is slowly turning around, and it's about to face the images of the spined devils.

I click my moveable rod into place in the air so it can't keep turning. Okay, I see. And you want to stop the mastodon from moving. Yeah. Okay, that'll be your turn. Yeah. You do that, and then it's Biff's turn. So it just stops mid from moving. Okay. That'll be your turn. Yeah. You do that. And then it's Biff's turn.

So it just stops mid-turn. Yes. Going to blow it up. That's definitely. Going to blow it up. Hey, it can't move past an immovable rod. It's right there in the name. A movable rod.

It's going to. I don't know. I don't know if you can trick a trap. Biff. I suppose we'll find out. Biff draws his sword and ends his turn. The mastodon grinds into the immovable rod and then begins breaking its way through the immovable rod. Son of a bitch.

The force turning the mastodon is stronger than the mastodon's structure. And it turns through the immovable rod as the immovable rod starts digging into the creature. At that. Oh, so the rod doesn't break. No, the rod is inside the mastodon. The mastodon's like just being shredded by the immovable rod as it turns. Yep. It's like just being shredded by the immovable rod as it turns.

Yep. Pop, you see that the gold that the mastodon is only gold plated. Beneath, you see a mummified corpse. Oh, fuck. It's gorm. They were super specific about that in the little detail. It's true that you rest here, guard my treasure for me. Yep.

He's guarding a treasure. Oh, well, it was worth a try. Four spined devils appear. One of them launches itself at Flask of Wine, shall we say. Shall we? He just got better. It tries to latch itself onto Flask of Wine and bite him, but it fails to do so.

However, it also has a strange wicked looking trident that it jams into flask of wine's chest then another one attacks tiffany tiffany it's kind of the same deal for you oh no well the creature misses with its bite and then on the rebound your weapon bounces off your target and strikes you in the face. You have disadvantage on your next attack. He got himself in the face with his teeth? No, with the spear. Fuck, could you imagine biting so badly you bite your own eyes?

He tries to spear you similarly in the chest, fails to do so and strikes himself in the face. A third one streaks directly at Lucanu like a fucking missile. Oh, no. Its bite cops Lucanu in the knee, dealing maximum damage as it tears its way through her Achilles tendon. No, wait, knee. Her Achilles knee.

The ACL, Adam? Her Achilles knee. I ACL, Adam? The kneecap? Her Achilles knee. I'm the creator of this world. I get to determine things like that. It's your Achilles Achilles tendon and your Achilles knee. Who was Achilles? No one knows. Eight points

of damage. Oh, these guys suck. That's maximum damage. Man, I'm going to rip these sons of bitches to pieces. This is the first one. And then the fourth one attacks you, Pop. I hope you miss. With its bite, it can't really find purchase on you. But then, Pop, maybe you're overconfident.

Yeah, yeah. It bites me and I'm like, nice try, ugly fuck. And then it spears you in both of your nostrils with its trident. Oh, fuck you. Hang on. Adam, it'd be more like this. Oh, fuck you. It's really only a little bit of a nip.

You take one point of damage. I see now you're fucked up because I'm angry now. Both of you know that these creatures are resistant to all damage that isn't magical or silvered. So striking them with a regular sword is not going to hurt them as much. Hey, what about striking them with Holy Avenger? Holy Avenger is a magical weapon, so it's fine. I've got my green flame blade.

Your green flambomb? I've got my green flambomb. My green flamblay. I even mistaked green flambomb. My green flamblay. I even mistaked the joke. Mistaked. Oh, no. Cas, quick, get out of the pit that you're in. I'm going to green flame blade the monsters.

Well, it's not your turn just yet, but I'll keep that in mind. I mistaked again. You fucked it. Flask of Wine takes a five foot step back and then drawing his bow he plugs the creature in front of him twice both attacks hit he deals a total of 22 points of damage quotation marks oh i hate that and then tiffany it's your turn you're tussling with one as well green Green flame blade. All right. Yeah, of course. I forgot.

It was already prepped. I just said, yeah. You deal 14 points of damage, quotation marks. You have a spell upon, oh, wait. Oh, that deals fire damage. You know they're immune to fire damage. Yeah, you, unfortunately, Tiffany, are not going to be particularly helpful. Oh, I knew.

But I knew that if I- Well, you did not- That's right, actually. Sorry, you are right. I will let you take back your attack action if you wish. Would you like to have done something else? Oh, my God. So a lot of your attacks kind of fire-based.

Except for Witch Bolt. That's right. I would like to return to old faithful. I was about to say, would you like to cast it as a second level spell? It'll do slightly more damage. It is. Alright. Cass, you missed Witch Bolt.

You deal 17 points of damage. Not even quotation marks. Oh. Hey. Oh wait, they're not immune to lightning either, are they? Nah, they're fine. Fire and poison. So, that was Tiffany and Flask. It's Lucanu's turn now. She starts screaming. I mean, like, it literally hurts your ears.

She's screaming that loud. She gets red in the face, like a tomato. Red in the face. Not even figuratively. Like, she literally goes as red as a tomato as she draws her great axe. Spittle flies out of her mouth and lands on the spined devil. It looks like the spined devil itself wants to say, calm down. Oh, my God, Pop, don't fall in love.

Too late. Can you roll to see how horny I am? Not very. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's kind of a life-threatening situation can you roll it again because but like i roll with advantage if it's a life-threatening situation well you're moderately horny yeah not good like human average you're a baseline you're at baseline horniness right now good her first attack is pretty misplaced because she's just screaming

a lot her screaming is literally so powerful it's throwing off her aim. But her second attack catches the creature. Her weapon is not magical, unfortunately. And now, a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that you could hear actual comedians joke circles around us and actually be funny then do i have news for you big soft titty dot png is a show by demi lardner and tom walker where they as my dad calls it aren't as good as the tv show mash because they never swore so if you like the sound of that or if you want to know why my dad won't talk to any of my co-workers then head on down

to sanspantsradio.com and search for bigsofttitty.png. And then, Pop, it's your turn. I'd like to use all of my attacks, Adam. I'd like to Zephyr Strike, Shigambi Power, Holy Avenger, this motherfucking spined piece of shit in front of me that just put a fork in my nose. I'm not going to pull the fork out, Adam. I want to keep it there as a reminder for the mistake that he has made. Okay.

So, fun fact, Holy Avenger is going to do extra damage against these creatures. So that's good. That's good. Ah, it's holy. Your first attack deals. Alright, look. I've not started counting. An initial assessment implies that yes, you've... Yeah, no, I've done a little bit of counting. You haven't counted

all of it? You kill one. Yes! You take a five-foot step. You hit a second one. All right. You haven't rolled as well this time, although you do get a pretty hefty bonus. All right, yep. No, I haven't counted all of it, but you have killed a second one.

Then you move on to a third one. Yes. Just before I hit this one, I'd like to say it's impolite to put forks in people's noses. Very good. Ten, twenty, alright, yeah, you kill three. Great. Also, this is shaped like a dessert fork,

which means you use it last. I'm gonna say you kill your one, you kill Lucano's one, you kill Tiffany's one, and Flosk's one is still standing. Thanks. No worries. It's Biff's turn. You've got to.

Yeah. Just to remind them of how badly they fucked up. It's not hurting. He's dead. There's one left. I'm sending a message, Tiffany. Oh, dear. Okay.

I'm somehow more exhausted than when I was fighting something. You fight a turtle, you get the horns I used to have on my head that are now gone. Biff charges in, swings once, and it is badly off balance. His second attack, however, manages to catch the spined devil underneath its guard, and he deals six points of quotation marks damage. Ah, fuck me. Am I the only one who's going to be able to do damage to these pieces of shit? Hey.

Everyone else has hurt them. Witch bolt. You're just the only one who has a magical. Hey, fun fact. So something that was just really apparent when I was handing out all the cards today, but it's extra apparent now, is let's have a look at the... Cass, can you count the magical items you have? One, two, three.

And Pop, would you like to count your magical items? You're also having a movable rod. Four. Pop? Yep. What would you like me to do? Count your magical items. Oh, you know.

Nine. You have more magical items than the rest of the party combined. And I probably also have Vaughn's amulet that I don't have a thing for. Plus it's a history. I've got a beat of force. With Holy Avenger, anyone would be tearing through these. Tiffany could do a decent job with Holy Avenger that felt rude i'll admit that holy avenger isn't a weapon that is designed for a rogue to use i mean i think i could do anything i put my mind to but that's fine i mean i also have the eye of

zoltec so you're not really in denial cast but those are crocodile tears so oh fuck adam i just got the first part of that joke congratulations that's really oh i can't wait for you to tell your friends a story about how you made two good jokes today uh then it is the spined devil's turn, finally. The Spined Devil wheels around on Biff. Why? He calls out. He knows why. He knows what he did. And its first attack misses with its bite, and its fork attack also misses. The Spined Devil lays no hits upon Biff.

It simply tries to stab and bite at him, but Biff merrily dances backwards. Then the golden mastodon hits the second mural. So the immovable rod hasn't slowed it down at all? Not even a little. No, it's just... Is it now free from the part that it has gone through? Like, I imagine it's the tusks and it's gone...

I was kind of imagining you put it next to its neck. Oh, yeah, no, that makes sense. So it'll only be free of it when of imagining you put it next to its neck. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. So it'll only be free of it when it gets completely through its revolution. I'd say it's free now. The movable rod's gone straight through its neck, destroying it. I'll get the rod back next, later. It's covered in, oh, no, not really gore.

The mastodon is mummified. All right, so it hits the second mural, which flares, and then those bearded devils, some might call them, enter the fray. There's three of them, and I'm going to say one of them charges up behind Biff. Why, he calls out once again. He knows why. All the devils are about to fight. Do we know that they have poison and fire damage resistance?

Well, Pop doesn't know about these creatures. You do know what bearded devils are. Probably because, I don't know, as a tiefling, you have encountered discrimination before in your life. I'm looking at all the things I've been called. Potentially. Very potentially.

Oh, that's so brutal. Bearded devils are not tough, but they are tougher than the spined devils that I've been called. Potentially. Very potentially. Oh, that's so brutal. Bearded devils are not tough, but they are tougher than the spined devils that you've been fighting so far. They are also immune to fire and poison and are also resistant to damages that are not magical. If you're interested, they're telepathic, though that doesn't mean a lot.

They do have resistance on saving throws against magical spells. So while magic still deals normal damage to them, if they need to make, like, a saving throw against magic, they have advantage on that. Also, so long as there are at least two of them, they will not back down. You could potentially get one on

its own to back down, but while they can see another one of their own kind, they would never... It's like a sign of weakness in their culture, essentially. Also, their beard can attack you, so watch out. What? Speaking of their beard can attack you, the beard tries to wrap around the back of Biff's head

while the glaive that the creature wields is, well, it attempts to make the glaive enter the back of Biff's, well, back. The old glaive to the back trick. They never see it coming. What's Biff's AC, and is it? Biff's pretty armored. So the beard tries to wrap around Biff, but can't gain purchase,

and the glaive slides off biff's armor leaving a scratch which is good for biff the second one attacks you pop same deal oh i've still got a fork in my nose you are also pretty armored i sure am oh just barely the beard grabs purchase on your shell and drags you in towards the creature. But you manage to like hold with like your bare hands almost. You manage to hold yourself away from the bearded devil and are able to keep yourself from also being stabbed with the glaive. The final one attacks Lucana. She's free. Oh, Lucana has not been as lucky as either of you the beard wraps around lucano's

neck and head and you you hear crunching you hear crunching oh don't kill my wife and she might be poisoned don't kill my wife with poison actually no you hear no crunching well she's raging she's resistant to this damage. So she takes three points of quotation marks damage. I wouldn't have known. It's just so subtle. Strange. I wouldn't have thought someone who went into a rage like that would be a barbarian. I thought she was a

Hulk. Just a regular Hulk. Just a good old Hulk. The glaive has a wicked curve to it, and everyone in the room can see that it is of hellish origin the wound that lucano receives is bloody and awful and you see it seeps with black eye core and with mixing with lucano's blood the wound continues to pump after the glaive has left its mark every round lucano is going to be taking damage.

Is that because she was raging and now her heart's going too fast? No, it's because of the weapon. There are so many of these things to fight. Why are we doing this, Cass? What? What? Excuse me. Oh, my God.

We could have just gone somewhere nice. We had to go into this room and activate this trap. A bolt of lightning streaks past both of you zigzagging a little bit and striking every devil in the room when it dies down you see flask of wine heaving heavily like with like static electricity slowly dissipating around him he deals 12 points of damage to every devil in the room destroying the last of the spined devils and harming the bearded devils but not killing any of them tiffany it's your turn you can go fight the one fighting lucanu pop or biff you will get sneak attack no matter which one you're attacking can i use my scroll of magic weapon on my rapier

you can use your scroll on your weapon it will well it'll become a plus one rapier. You can use your scroll on your weapon. It will become a plus one rapier for I forget exactly how long, but functionally for the length of the combat. That will, however, be your turn. And that'll make it magic, right? It now counts as magical. So that was Tiffany's turn. It's Lucanu's turn. She lands two great

blows with her great axe. Dealing 19, 22 points of quotation marks damage to the one that she is fighting. Quotation mark damage is bullshit. In what D&D world can you do quotation mark damage? Pop it to your turn. Okay, so the ones with the forks are gone. Yep, you've got the bearded ones now.

You're going to take the fork out of your face? Is that an action, Adam? I'd say it's a free action, essentially. You just grab it and yank. It's not tough. I rip it out of my nose and I throw it away. That happens. Great.

So the bearded one's near me? Yep. There's one right next to you. Yeah, I heft Holy Avenger. I look her dead in the eyes and I just say, you ready for the closest shave of your fucking life, you bearded git? Get a good boy card. Thank you.

And then I shave him, Adam. I shave him so good. You do. Thank God the party has you right now. I said anyone can kind of use this weapon, but you are particularly good at it. Thank goodness. Tough.

Well, you or Lucanu. Either one of you can wield it. Because Shigemi's giving me bonus fight. Bone fight. Bonus fight. All right. Your first attack with Holy Avenger hits. I'm also not going to use Zephyr Strike

because I've only got one more left and I'm saving that for when we inevitably have to fight the last guy That's right, you do only have one Hey, you know how after we finish this we've got to go back into that room with the cupboards? Yeah, we've got to solve a trap

With your second attack, you destroy one of the bearded devils I shave the fuck out of him now Oh, I should let you guys know they all just turn into ash as you destroy them oh so as i was so shaving him i don't even get to keep his beard as a trophy no uh their weapons stay behind so the little there's been like a little clattering as the the well they're described as forks but they look like tridents hit the floor i guess they are kind of small for a trident but they're tridents kind of nonetheless they've been hitting the floor the bearded devil yeah it's glaive drops to the

floor great uh but the bearded devil itself disappears in a wisp of smoke both of you know what is happening when you kill a devil or demon they are sent back to the hell or the abyss yeah you go back tell your boss you're fucked up. You've got one devil left. Which would you like to fight? The one fighting Lucanu or the one fighting Biff? Lucanu kind of looks like she has this one. Biff is probably in a bit of a trouble.

So I've killed one. I've got one more attack to go. Yep. Yeah, I'm going to go help... Biff boy? No, I'm going to go help Lucanu. All right. You slash at the bearded devil fighting Lucanu, Biff boy? No, Adam, I'm going to go help Lucano. All right.

You slash at the bearded devil fighting Lucano, opening up a bloody welt behind it. The bearded devil turns around and hisses at you, which is a bit shocking. There's intent, intelligent. You were expecting sentient speech, but instead it just hisses at you. I hiss back.

Fair enough. You hiss back. I'll hiss as well. It's Biff's turn do we all hiss does everyone get it everyone hisses biff lands two decent blows on his bearded devil he's not doing poorly like his fight's going a little hair hairy but he he's like he's not been touched yet he's actually not even been hit by an attack he's pretty well armored so it's not necessarily you you've not killed biff by doing this but he definitely needed more help than lucano no i'm aware pop the bearded devil that you were fighting wheels around on you and slashes with its beard which is a great line that i'm so happy to say its beard it wraps against your hat but it does not pierce your hat it's a very light blow but then it you

realize that the beard was just an opening for its glaive and it slashes your leg cutting open a long bloody deep gash that begins oozing blood and black eye core. You take 11 points of damage, and you're gonna need to make a constitution saving throw. Ah, good! You pass. Oh, thank fuck! That was the bearded

devils. The mastodon reaches the next mural. There is a flash. Oh, shit. There's two of them them one of them charges behind you pop and starts slashing with its clawed hands and whipping at you with its spined tail all of those blows clatter off the back of your shell and you take no damage though you feel your shit you feel like heavy pressure as the creature is launching itself at you. The other one conjures two balls of fire and throws both of them at Lucanu. Lucanu ducks underneath one of them and then rolls out of the way of the second one.

We're okay. We're okay. It's just Lask of Wine's turn. Another burst of lightning erupts through the room. Kill the bearded boys. erupts through the room. Kill the bearded boys. All the bearded boys take,

and one of the barbed boys takes 16 points of damage. That destroys the bearded devil fighting Lucanu and Pop. The other one fighting Biff takes, well, that 16 points of damage. And then the barbed devil fighting Pop then takes also 16 points of damage tiffany you are currently not engaging an enemy i would like to charge the one near pop the which one sorry the

barbed barbed all right i was near pop and use my non-green flame blade just the blade that is now magic it also gives you an extra one the magical property gives you an extra one damage for all. Yeah, I know. Making a difference. A whole one. I love that. 31 points of damage. Oh.

Oh. That's actually. It's nothing to sneeze at, is it? Achoo, no. Oh, bless you. I sneezed over here because I wasn't going to sneeze at that. Oh, no, I don't think you should. Lucanu, she's going to charge the barbed devil that hurled fire at her.

Of course she is because rude. Lucanu's first attack was slashing into the creature's chest. She slams it in the chest and it doubles over. Her second attack is a slam into its legs and then the creature falls to its knees. Then her third attack with her axe, she buries it as deep into the creature's skull as she can. Off form, quadruple damage, and it has disadvantage on melee attacks for the next, well, only one round. But quadruple damage. Your wife, am I right?

Oh, I can't wait to marry her. How like pop to love historical artefacts and fall in love with a woman who is basically a historical artefact. She deals. 64 quotation marks points of damage. Come into the museum of my heart. Oh, Cass. I'm using that line.

Kneeling to her. You're so special. You belong in a museum. This one. And I tap my chest. That was Lucana's turn. Pop, it's yours. So now I'm going to turn on the thing that attacked me

and that Tiffany has injured. Yes. It's right behind me, right? The barbed devil? Yep, it's right behind you. It's right behind me, isn. Yes. It's right behind me, right? The barbed devil? Yep, it's right behind you. It is right behind me, isn't it? It's right behind me. So I want to, like, skewer it and, like,

just slide the sword through its time inches away from its face so I can talk to it real close. Your first attack, look, I could roll i could roll but yeah your first attack kills it so i'm gonna stab it i'm gonna like basically walk my way up real close to it through the sword and just before i die look at dead in the eye and be like that wasn't my day so i'll see him soon it does like that great so there's the bearded devil fighting biff and the barbed devil fighting lucano who would you like to use your other two attacks on oh i'm gonna uh you know what There's the bearded devil fighting Biff and the barbed devil fighting Lucano. Who would you like to use your other two attacks on?

Oh, I'm going to... You know what? Lucano actually looks like she's fine. I'm going to kill the bearded fuck. All right. Your next attack is a hit. You kill the other bearded devil. The last bearded devil.

And then there's just the barbed devil which you can hit if you want yeah let's do it all right with your final attack you cut off the head of the barbed devil hey oh already so in your turn you have killed you behead three of, no, you skewer and then behead two of the devils. There is Biff's turn where there is a brief moment of respite and everything seems calm and fine. You right, horns? Yeah. Good.

And then the mastodon faces the next mural. Two to go. How does it feel watching the, I mean, not that you would have been able to ship it back, but watching this artifact get destroyed by a decision you made? Yeah, look. Well, no, I don't want, wait, is this the skull chalice? Is the skull chalice the mammoth head?

Oh, no, I wrote broken. I'm angry now. I'm going to do even more murders. How many of these are there? One? There's just one. Great. It spears you.

Once again, it says fork. Oh, no. Actually, this time it is more of a fork. It's only got two prongs. It deals. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

This is more of a fork. It only has two prongs. Yeah. Fork doesn't have two prongs. Forks got four times. Some do. Early ones two prongs. Fork's got four tines. Some do. Early ones did. The first forks had like two.

What do you mean the first forks? Who the fuck is the first forks? The first forks ever made had two. In fact, in a medieval society, your forks probably only have two tines. In a medieval society? Hang on. Sorry, Adam. When you say probably because you make this world,

are you telling us canonically that every fork that we have encountered is only two tines? Typically. The more tines typically would explain someone more well-to-do. So you actually probably have seen tines larger than four. I mean, you've only got tines more than four. You've got eight tine forks in your big palace i do make something small and delicate like a fork as we know it is kind of difficult to do

and it's like a lot of extra effort for not a lot of extra benefit so the general populace probably only have like two tined forks whereas yeah in a castle you might have four times if you thought it was if you if you wanted to be fancy. That's amazing. I haven't known that when Tiffany looks upon this devil with the two-tined big fork, Tiffany thinks, oh, there are tines missing because she's privileged. So the first attack does 36 points of damage to you, Pop. The second attack does 32 points of damage. And then the lights go out to you, Pop. The second attack does 32 points

of damage. And then the lights go out for you, Pop. Its third attack is directed at Lucano. I thought I was doing real well there, guys. I thought Lucano takes 22 points of damage and needs to make a constitution saving throw. Well, at least she'll die together. Oh, she fails that as well.

That sucks. Does she, though? Oh my oh my god tom she's my wife you spend one of your good boy cards yeah she succeeded on a saving throw well she's kind of party tank right now so yeah you do actually want to keep her alive oh definitely i'm dead you're really gonna oh no pop oh my fucking god are you gonna die oh my god so. Are you going to die? Oh, my God. So every round, you're still taking damage from that glaive. That's two failed saving throws every round. And if you roll a failed saving throw, then next turn, you're done. Hey, you know how I said I'll see the monarch of hell soon

I meant it It's going to be really fucking soon, Pop I thought I had more health Is this the last treasure Pop will ever seek? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Chopped be plagued and chopped. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to sandspansradio.com and consider joining the Sandspans Plus community. There's over 20 bonus shows, a Sandspans Plus Discord, exclusive video content, and

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