D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult III #19 Rumble in the Cog

Episode Date: February 13, 2021

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Sans Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. If you're a DM, I can guarantee you've found yourself in this exact position. You've introduced a very obvious quest hook, but also at the same time offhandedly introduced a goblin named Coconuts. And now all your players are interested in is where is Coconuts going? But you've not got anything planned because you came up with the name on the spot, possibly after seeing a Coconut. And so all of a sudden you've got to come up with a whole bunch of content out of nowhere oh no well describe spelt dscryb offers over 1400 scenes of places monsters and spells to help you out they work just like the box text from your favorite adventure

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that you don't have to think about is such a boon. So if you never want to be caught with your pants down, if you want to be able to provide deep lore on coconuts with a click of your fingers, visit dscribe.com slash nerds. That's D-S-C-R-Y-B dot com slash nerds, and use the code NERs at checkout to save 10%. Welcome to season three, episode 19 of Zombie Plagued Chult. Plevious me.

I'm going to go see what's down the open door before we worry about all these fucking cupboards. You genuinely threw me for a loop. I thought you'd just, thus far, your plan has just been to enter a room bash your head against the problem until you've you know it's solved and then keep moving but adam i'm one treasure away do you not think it's unusual that a you would build a relic or a tomb for a steed without a rider what she gave me everything there might be some tests involved here she reaches into a pack and produces that star like lever that she tore off the control panel earlier. She looks at that and then looks at the back of the Mastodon's head.

Four spined devils appear. One of them launches itself at Flask of Wine. Shall we start? Shall we? You just got better. Count your magical items. Oh, yeah. Nine.

You have more magical items than the rest of the party combined. And I probably also have Vaughn's amulet that I don't have a thing for. There is Biff's turn where there is a brief moment of respite and everything seems calm and fine. You right, Horns. Yeah. And if you roll a failed saving throw, then next turn, you're done.

The horned devil appears, laughs at you, Pop, and then as if it had heard, well, it must have heard the line that you said last round. It says, you will meet him soon. It levels its fork at you. I say, yeah, that's what i fucking said you're unconscious perforates you several times he gets some last words that's fine yeah and then it turns its attentions on lucano she continues to scream either in anguish or rage probably rage

oh boy she stabbed she gets stabbed as well. Are you guys hot? I'm real hot. Just all of a sudden, it just came over me. I'm dying. It's Flask of Wine's turn. Fuck.

Jeez Louise, Tom. Flask of Wine is kind of out of useful magic right now. He just fires his longbow. He's got really nothing else to do. Why does he have magic? He's a ranger. He's very light on magic. Oh, his type of ranger is very light on magic. first attack is a miss his second attack is a hit he's probably going to

be dealing half damage but he has an ability called giant killer let me no that doesn't help him here all right tiffany it's your turn i would like to go and stabilize pop you can although you will be moving within the creature's reach you actually actually don't know that Pop's in a lot of trouble. But he's passed out, isn't he? Well, all right. So you can go stabilize him if you want, but you actually can't staunch this. He's going to take those two points of damage, and then it's going to start him up again. You'll stabilize me.

I'll be on. He won't die, though. All right. So, yeah, you make a medicine check not to stabilize him, but to staunch that bleeding. I would love to do that. You staunch the bleeding. Pop is still in his saving throws, but he's not taking damage anymore.

That's your turn. It's Lucano's turn. She, almost oblivious to what is happening around her, continues her assault. My God, she doesn't even know you exist. It's because she's raging, but also... All right, she has a pretty good turn. I love her.

She gets... Oh, my God. She got two critical hits, yeah. My God. Holy shit. I love this woman so much. Her first attack is wild. It doesn't look like it's going anywhere to hit,

and that is maybe why the horned devil didn't think it was going to hit. But fucking surprise, it does. She cuts one of its wings off. Make them pay. Triple damage, and she has advantage on her next attack. She already had advantage, but she doesn't get a critical. She only gets two critical hits this time. Oh no, just two?

Yeah, just two. What? Oh, she kills it. She kills it. It's dead. Oh my God, I love this woman. It was going to be blind anyway. Fuck.

She destroys it. She cuts off its head. She cuts off one of its wings. It screams and grabs at the stump of its wing. She cuts off the arm that it was grabbing the stump of its wings with. Yes. And then where a witty quip would go as she kills it, instead just screaming, just screaming as she cuts into between its horns, cuts into its head, splitting its head down the middle the creature disappears in a whisper smoke and even though you know it is fully healed back in on the nine level layers of hell even

though it is completely repaired you know for a fact it still fucking hurts that's fucking sick that was lucano's turn god she's cool you need to make a death saving throw. Pop, you have a failed save on a death saving throw. What about a plus 10? You have a success. Hey. Good boy cards come through. It's Biff's turn. There's another moment of silence as Biff is just.

Oh, right. And then he rushes over and stabilizes Pop or tries to. I believe he fails, unfortunately. Is that a skill or a... It is a skill check. What about if he had a D10? He could succeed. He succeeds.

Good. Hey! All right. So, Pop, you are stabilized. You're just on zero hit points. And then the Mastodon hits the final one. You know what point is showing me this monster? I'm dead.

Don't even get to do a big kill. All right, I'll just send it to Cass. No, send it to me. You big, I want to see it. Oh, hello. Oh, okay. That was not what I was expecting. I was not expecting woman.

So imagine. imagine a woman she attacks tiffany she attacks lucano and she attacks flask of wine with her whip she hits tiffany she hits lucano she misses a flask of wine it is a bit of damage some say, Tiffany, you take 26 points of damage. And plus some poison damage. Oh, but I hate poison. You take 21 points of toxic damage. What? Poison.

I mean, yeah. Fucking love that song so much. I've now gone to 23. Oh, yeah, that hurt you a lot I'm dead Cass Have some respect Lucano takes 5 points of physical damage No this is your fault

It all lies is And 14 points of poison damage Hey why can't our damage be in quotation marks Some of Lucano's was God she's cooler than I'll ever be. I thought we were doing real well, Cass. And then all of a sudden we just weren't. That's our fault, though, actually.

No, that's on us. Yeah. I'll accept that. We got hopeful. We did. And optimistic. And Adam was like, hey, joy will turn to ash in your mouths. Rude and accurate.

A flask of wine fires twice with his bow. He hits only once. Tiffany, it's your turn. I would like to attack the erroneous as best as I can. You hit. Oh, my God. All right. No point green flaming blading as well.

Green flaming blading. It's hard to say. No point using green flame blade either as she is immune to fire damage. Everyone in this room is cooler than me. A memoir by D. You're resistant to fire damage. That's something we never really address. Resistant to love.

Well, that. Well, no, you're not resistant to love. You're highly susceptible to love. You deal 34 points of damage to her. That is nearly as much as I copped. But, oh no, it's not. It's a lot less. Never mind.

Hey, it's fine. Someone wake me up. It's Lucano's turn. Every moment you're asleep is the moment your wife is choosing fight over you. Does it make you love her more or less? Yes. Lucano, fucking stop. She has no chill.

She hits twice, but then misses with her third attack her critical hit is to get another chance now she misses all right she gets four attacks because she just starts wailing on the creature's chest you're not 100 sure she knows what she's doing you think she just hasn't stopped swinging she hits twice maximum damage and she makes another attack which is her fourth attack she only hits twice though so her first attack deals 19 points of quotation marks damage her second attack deals 20 13 points of quotation marks damage oh my fucking lord biff has a rough round he strikes twice then using his action surge strikes two more times all four of his hits are not so when you say strikes adam what you say is biff misses four times like a big fucking idiot he tries to push her into a corner, but she deftly parries every single one of his blows, knocking him away easily. Biff is a fair fighter, but he, I would say, is not at, shall we say, your level.

He's been frozen in time and hasn't leveled up in a while. It's the Erin Yes's turn. Do you mind if I give her disadvantage on an attack roll? Okay. Well, her first attack has made a disadvantage and it'll be against you, Tiffany. That suits me very well. Does she or does she get a minus

d12 on an attack roll? Alright, she misses, Tiffany. Yeah, there we go. She nonetheless does hit Flask of Wine. Yeah, I don't care about him. Well, I do, but I mean... I don't trust him. Flask of Wine takes 22 points of damage and needs to make a constitution saving throw,

which he fails. He's going to take 3d6 damage at the beginning of every single one of his turns. It's a very similar wound to the ones that the Glaives made. And that was her turn. Then it is Flask of Wine's turn. Flosk of Wine answers in kind.

He plugs her twice. His first attack misses. His second attack deals eight points of damage in quotation marks. Tiffany? I'd like to go her again. And I would also like to just use my fortuitous circumstance good boy card because things are looking dire and honestly anything would help. You hit.

Barely. What's Mumbles fucking doing? You deal. Mumbles has been in the corner of Mumble. Wow, it's a circular room. No, there is a corner actually. Mumbles has been in the corner of Mumble. He is a non-combatant.

I don't know if I can express that well enough. He will not be useful in a fight. You are keeping him alive because it would be evil to not. Well, to actively not. It would kind of be neutral to not really care, I guess. I show no mercy to the evildoer, so if I was rude to him, I'd have to kill myself. You deal 28 points of damage, Tiffany. Which kills her?

Oh my god! Which kills her. Oh my god. You knock her whip aside and then drag your rapier across her armoured chestplate until it hovers just above her heart. And you drive the rapier in, puncturing through her armour and piercing her heart. She dies screaming. Good. The mastodon flares with fire. But then the fire goes out. Fire flares out from the base of the mastodon flares with fire but then the fire goes out fire flares out from the

base of the mastodon although it doesn't really have enough time to hurt anyone it's like just a jet of fire had you still been fighting the creatures in this room at this point there would have been damage dealt out but you you managed to kill these creatures quite quickly so you're lucky the fires go out though smoke still hangs in the air a warm wind blows through the hole carrying the scent of jasmine frankincense and grave dust the smoke coalesces into a decayed warrior wrapped in bandages he holds up a gruesome chalice made from a human skull i reach out and take it. I'm still brave. The strange figure turns to dust and disappears.

Bye. I do think to myself, that would look nice in a museum. Sure would. And I put it in my pocket. The stone blocking your passage grinds upwards. Fuck, it's so embarrassing. Artis Simber nearly falls forwards because he was putting so much pressure on it, and managing to catch himself, he

rushes into the room, as does the Starfallen, Tlad the Drow, oh, and Valendra, sorry, he's back in the control room. Sorry, yeah. So Artis Simba, Tlad the Drow, and the Starfallen all rush into the room. The Starfallen gravitates over to Pop, where she kneels down.

Artist Simba rushes to you, Tiffany, and asks if you're okay. I'm just a bit hurt. Pop needs the most help. Oh, that is... That's so embarrassing for you. Such a loaded statement. The Starfallen begins singing, and everyone in the room gains 19 hit points. Including me, Adam? Yeah, you wake up. The Starfallen is singing, and everyone in the room gains 19 hit points. Including me, Adam?

Yeah, you wake up. The Starfallen is standing over you. What the fuck? Did we win? Well, we're not dead. That's a start. Did we get the chalice? We.

Oh, and with this healing magic, everyone who had one of those wicked wounds, it heals. We, the collective we, did we get the chalice? No. All right. We didn't. I pull the chalice out and just chuck it at Pop and say, you're welcome. Well, we can keep going. I've got them all.

Pop, you heal an additional 28 hit points as the Starfallen keeps singing over you. You haven't thanked anyone. You died. You were brought back to life. Someone else got the chalice for you, and you have not said thank you. I'm embarrassed about dying. My pride is broken a bit. You recover another 18 hit points. It's out of Simba's fold I'm embarrassed about dying. My pride is broken a bit. You recover another 18 hit points.

It's Art of Simba's fault I'm like this. I'm just being the man. Very cool of you to blame someone else. That sounds like a powerful decision. Ooh, who do I look up to? Yeah, it's someone who does what people tell him to. Yeah, I'm just doing what? I'm just being the man he thinks I am.

Cool, dude. That's going to go well for everyone. You're going to show him so bad. So what do you have to do to get it? Am I still bleeding? Yeah. Although the staff will just move in from you, Pop, to Tiffany. Tiffany, you recover another 11, 11 plus 16.

You recover another 27 hit points. As I'm being healed and all the blood and wounds are clearing, after Pop has asked what did I have to do, I just look over, exhausted, and say, a lot. That's good. Rob, you're all alright at the end of it thank you Starfallen she

oh I go in for another hug god she's I love her she nods in acknowledgement but she actually maybe she gives you a quick hug but then she moves on she's just healing

she moves on to flask of wine oh I don't interrupt her then I don't interrupt her I give her a hug after she's busy oh my god I'm so sorry she continues to keep singing people's wounds closed. Flask of wine recovers 11 hit points.

Pop, you are so fucked up. She's healed you 86 hit points in total, and you're still, like, at half health. Well, no, quite a bit over half health, but you've got, like, an extra 60 hit points to go. Yeah, I figure. She probably is going to stop. She could I figure. She probably is going to stop. She could keep going, but she's going to stop there. Now can I give her a hug? Yes.

Shigambi is in my head still. And Shigambi's good, right? Yeah. Neutral good? Yes. Just very quietly in my head. So I'm looking at the chalice, thinking about what I have just been told, and how everyone's kind of...

Basically, I can sense the vibe. Do you want me to tell you about the chalice? Yeah, I'd love to. I put the chalice in and just look at the chalice with the other three artifacts that I have. This jeweled goblet was crafted from the skull of a long-dead Omen king and served as a symbol of office for the royal line of Omu. The legendary Chultan hero, Chagakari,

is said to have beheaded the king after escaping the Nine Howls on the back of a mastodon. You know that it is very important to the Omen people. This probably maybe deserves to be in a museum, but if you want it to be very lawful good, you would say that it belongs to the Cholton people. Feel free to also consult any personality traits, flaws, ideals, and or bonds. Just checking.

I mean, you know, I can think of a Cholton who might. My ideal is my alignment is kind of good, and one of my ideals is literally this artifact belongs in a museum. You can hold on to it if you want. Colonialism, baby! I wouldn't say it's necessarily... Colonialism, I would say, is necessarily an evil act. But keeping this skull specifically, I would not say is necessarily an evil act.

It's not like you know who to give it to, to give it to the Cholton people. Well, I mean, I do. They're standing right in the room with me. I look at this with the other three artifacts that I have collected. Yes. And just very quietly to myself, I'm like, hmm. Oh. Thought it might have felt better.

Oh, well. Chagambi. Yes. My good man. My good man. be yes my good man a good man can do bad things all right um i look suspiciously and i know i'm kidding i walk up to pop and i say you you're so lucky, Pop. Why? For most people, the most important things in the world aren't something they could just hold. And I walk away.

You did more damage to Pop just now than any of the enemies. Did I take any damage? You take a D6 negative emotional levels. I just quietly pick up my immovable rod that I left and just be sad. That's fair. But quietly, because it's my fault. Shall we go back? Let's find out what these doors do.

Yep. I lead the party back. The Starfallen approaches the Port Carlos and looking at it turns back and says, I think I might be able to teleport through. Oh. Um. I don't think I can bring anyone with

me though. No, I don't think teleporting really works here. You forget exactly what. Oh, well, hang on. The genie, remember? Yeah, the genie tried. Yeah, look, to be honest, all you have is the genie. The genie's sort of.

Belinda has also told us that teleportation magic doesn't work here. Yeah, I guess she didn't explain anything more complicated than that. All right, the staff all nods and says, okay then. I think it's best if we all stay together anyway. So you're in this cog room. What would you like to do? Go clockwise around and have a look at all the teak cupboards and look for a slot that a red gem might go.

The first one you look at is a dust and smoke billow from the wardrobe and the air around you sounds out with the roar of battle. Beyond the doors, armies fight under a blood-red sky that has an iron cube floating in it like a huge distant moon. Clouds of ash suddenly fly out of the wardrobe, transforming into screaming orcs before your eyes. As you approach, the doors to the wardrobe just open, and then several creatures materialize in the room.

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visit dscribe.com slash nerds. That's d-s-c click of your fingers visit describe.com slash nerds that's dscryb.com slash nerds and use the code nerds at checkout to save 10 they're orcs there's eight of them in total one of them has a strange looking headdress that both of you know for different reasons tiffany may be in service oh well i guess you only went on like one mission with your dad maybe you maybe there's one in your dad's castle or something like that this is the headdress of an orc war chief it is typically a sign that a fight is about to happen an orc war chief would only wear this if they were going into battle and when they say going into battle just i mean like they want to kill something this is an orc war raiding party pop you would know that because

the headdress has deep significant religious importance to orcish society yeah also i fought in a war you also did fight in a war might not necessarily have been this war though but yeah well it definitely wasn't the war on the other side of this wardrobe. Anyway, Pop, it's your turn. Sick. I'm going to do some killing. All right. Would you like to fight the war chief of the seven orcs?

Adam, I'm going to kill the fuck out of the war chief. All right. You draw your great sword, Holy Avenger, and you go to town. First attack, a miss. Second attack, hit. Third attack, just barely a hit. Sorry. Just barely still a hit.

That it is. Going to cut his headdress off and wear it. You deal 33 points of damage. Tiffany, it's your turn. Warchief and the seven orcs. I was about to call them dwarves. I would like to attack the Warchief as well. I would like to attack the war chief as well. I would like to spike pop by killing him first.

I use my green flame blade. Oh, actually, hang on. Orcs are allergic to fire in the same way that another person would be. That's right. They have no special resistances, unless this orc has some sort of special magic you don't know about. Well, if they're all coming out of the wardrobe, could I use Agonizar's Scorcher and get them all? They're already out.

They just teleport like in front of you. Well, then I'll use Green Flame Blade then. You kill the Warchief. You stab him in the belly and then the fire ripples out across his chest, through his arms, through his legs, and then the Warchief, screaming, in a manner similar to Lucanu, explodes, covering both you and Pop in gore. So the whole orc explodes? Yes. Saria, you probably wanted his hat.

No. I move on. I've got one. I use my movement i move away all right well that happens flask of wine knocks draws and fires twice he misses on his first attack hits on his second attack he deals 11 points of damage downing one of the seven orcs. And then it is, uh, Oh,

it's the orcs turn six of them. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,

eight of you. So one to each of you, that math works out. Just kidding. Pop, you're attacked by one. Good to know. Oh no. Pop, that's a critical hit

Oh Do you want to know how I got these? It's double damage and you receive a permanent scar On your face Another one Look at some point There's more scar than face When Starfall uncured my goat

I got my eye back didn't I I believe we said so yes back, didn't I? I believe we said so, yes. If I didn't say so, then you did. Am I about to lose it again? Let's say yes. Fuck. You take 32 points of damage and you lose an eye.

You go blind in one eye. Is it the other eye this time? Yes. If it was your right eye before, it's your left eye this time yes it was if it was your right eye before it's your left eye this time and vice versa just using it being like oh my spares were righties another one misses tiffany the third one attacks flask of wine oh no please yelling 32 points of damage flask of wine cutting off one of his fingers flask of of Wine is upset, shall we say? Yeah, that's my favorite. Lucanu hit again.

Lucanu takes 16 points of damage. Biff is attacked. That will be a miss on Biff. And then the Starfallen is attacked. The Starfallen receives a bloody gash on her arm as she takes 22 points of damage. I thought she was invincible. She's not. Yeah, that seems wrong.

Does the orc feel bad? No. The orc revels in it. That's wrong. Gonna cut his balls off. The starfallen cries out in anguish. Lucano screams as a battle rager might. Oh, here we go

again. First attack hits. She cuts off one of the orc's heads as the head hits the ground and rolls away she starts laughing giggling maniacally she attacks a second one she hits a second time she lobs another head off she keeps laughing instead of screaming this time she laughs she just laughs and laughs and laughs she's having a fucking blast she decapitates three orcs and that was her turn she didn't even decapitate the orc she was fighting she just grabbed three other random ones and cut their heads off jesus christ very cool i love this woman as each of the orcs dies their body just disappears no ash no smoke no nothing they just like um like rapture style disappear but their equipment remains so with

clattering sounds armor and axes hit the ground maybe gold adam no not another gold it's biff's turn biff attacks one of the orcs he scores two hits he downs another orc and there and then there were two two orcs and god you've got a lot of npcs it's the star fallen's turn uh the star fallen crouches down holds both of her hands tight and starts screaming the scream reaches a fever pitch louder than anyone else has been screaming so far and the last two orcs make saving throws both of them are thrown bodily away from the starfall as thunder explodes out and away from her wet sopping thuds as both of them hit the ground dead are you okay the star fallen looks at the gash on her arm and then nods slowly and says i'm fine thank you so i'm sorry i know i don't have anything to apologize for but i it's okay you did nothing wrong she says i'm sorry and with that i'm gonna say everyone's level 12 now

except for bf no sooner has the last orc fallen and quickly you just level up. You're level 12 now. No sooner has the last orc fallen than one of the five red gems above the portcullis lights up. Oh. Horns. Every single member of the party stares at that with literally the same expression. Horns.

I know. I walk up to the door and open it. Oh at once. I know. I walk up to the door and open it. Oh, fuck. Which door? I was going to heal myself before you did that. Just the next door. The next wardrobe?

Can I use a spell before she opens the door? I'd allow it. While we're out of combat. I'm going to use, because I've leveled up, I'm going to use my level 3 spell slot to do a Cure Wounds on myself. You recover 14 hit points, Pop. I think it should be more because it was a third level spell, but that's okay, Adam. You didn't roll very well. Well, fuck me, I guess.

The door opens above the caldera of an active volcano. Shards of black rock float above the molten magma. Perched atop one shard are two man-sized creatures with insectoid features and four arms apiece. They are deeply upsetting in their construction. Flask of Wine casts one of his new spells, Hunter's Mark. Ooh! He chooses a creature within range and marks it as his quarry.

Until the spell ends, he deals an extra D6 damage with every hit. So you mean he, like, looks across the way, extends a claw, points, and is like, you're mine. My Flask of Wine accident isn't very good. Flask deals 19 points of quotation marks damage to one of them. Do we know what these are? That'll be your turn. It's the Starfallen's turn.

The Starfallen looks at the same one that flask of wine attacked and she issues an involuntary laugh like she thinks it looks ridiculous. The creature needs to make a saving throw. Is this? It fails. Is that vicious mockery? Yeah. Oh, bards.

She's a bard, yeah? That's what she is? It takes 10. No, she just likes to sing. She's a castle tom. It takes 10 points of damage. It's not helpful. Then it's Biff's turn biff charges in but that's his

turn then it is tlad's turn he casts a spell and then there is a strange type of explosion centering between the two creatures the explosion washes over them them. It's like a wave of force. That you can see. But it has a strange purplish electric haze to it. Both the creatures need to make. Saving throws. Both of them fail. Both of them are going to take.

86 damage. It's their turn. You get stabbed with a trident, Tiffany, right in the chest. And the armpits. You take 14 points of damage, Tiffany. Oh, dear. The other one attacks Biff. Biff takes 28 points of damage.

Is he still alive? Yeah, Biff's still standing. Biff can take a Biff. Poor. Well, not that many. Biff can take some long steel. All right. And then it is Luc. Biff can take some long steel. Alright. And then it is Lucanus. Oh, my wife.

Your wife. My wife! My wife! Fuck. That's still culturally a thing. Stumble. She charges forwards with her great axe, screaming furiously. The creature shoves her with the pole of its

trident sending her back five feet she comes back swinging she strikes it twice all right tiffany it's your turn i would like to charge you know what they are yes they're mezzaloths. Mezaloths. Mezaloths are eight. All right. What a great sentence. Look, Cass, look me dead in the face and tell me this isn't a great thing for you to know. Mezaloths are a type of Yuggaloth. Okay. Can we do a little role playing?

Yeah. What the fuck are these ugly pieces of fucking shit? Mezaloth. What's a mezaloth? Yggdala. Horns, that is very unhelpful knowledge. A yggdala is a type of fiend, like the devils and demons that you have been fighting previously.

Oh, let's continue. Yggdala. Again, that is unhelpful. It's arasil. Again, that is unhelpful. It's a fiend! Again, that is unhelpful. Please continue. They are neither devils nor demons. Devils being lawful evil.

Demons being chaotic evil. They are neutral evil. And they kind of... So devils and demons hate each other. If you ever get them in the same room, they'll fight each other just as much as they'll fight you. There's a thing called the Blood War, which is like this eternity-long war that has happened between devils and demons. Ugaloths kind of get the shit end of both sticks in some ways, because both sides kind of hate them, but they don't really hate either other side.

They have no ill will, and they'll sometimes serve as kind of mercenaries for either other one. Are you saying, Adam, that because they're in the middle, they are neutral? Yes, they are neutral evil, as I said. So if devils and demons were to come out, the yugoloths wouldn't attack them. Would the devils and demons attack the yugoloths? Devils and demons will take any opportunity

to attack each other that presents itself. A devil or a demon might not attack a yugoloth, but there's no guarantee. Demons will take any opportunity to attack each other that presents itself. A devil or a demon might not attack a yugoloth, but there's no guarantee. I mean, my thoughts are open more doors. Have them duke it out. The doors show us what's in them. Yeah, so we could go and peep the doors. I would like to green flame blade one of the yugoloths. Mezaloth.

One of the mezaloths that has a friend near it so I can use sneak. Okay. And then I would like to dart off and look at the door without opening it. If you use green flame blade, you will receive attacks of opportunity. If you don't use green flame blade, you can use your cunning action, something that I'm sure you are just now learning that you have but you can use your cunning action to disengage move at twice your normal movement speed and not provoke attacks of opportunity and you still get to attack just not with green flame blade which uh they're demons they're immune to fire they are resistant to fire they are resistant to cold fire and lightning

also non-magical weapons they are immune to acid and poison. Oh, that's good. Adam, I would like to attack with... Oh, do I still have my... Oh, also they can cast some basic magic. Do I still have my hour-long thing for magic sword? I would say it's probably... Oh, no, no, you can still have it.

An hour is not that long. But yes, all right, I'd say it's still active. Yes. Okay, I would like to use my regular rapier attack with my scroll of magic weapon and counting action to dash and disengage. I mean, disengage and then run. You deal a whopping 30 points of damage.

Yay! That's pretty fucking good. I think that kills it. And what is the next door? You kill one of the Mezaloths. Stabbing it from behind, you pierce straight through the creature's heart, killing it almost instantly. It disappears into wisps of oily smoke, and its trident clatters to the floor.

You may then approach another wardrobe if you wish. I would like to approach another wardrobe, and it's opening the wardrobes that activates them, isn't it? Well, the first one you had to approach, the second one you opened, so you're not 100% sure. Can I look from a distance and just see if I can peep it? The one that you're looking at, the door is carved to depict the face of an ornate lock.

That doesn't help me. It doesn't. Artis Simba plugs the creature three times with his longbow. I think that kills it. Yep. He plugs the yugoloth so many times it collapses like a pin cushion. Do you know what I'm looking forward to? The fact that I didn't get to fight.

You did not have an entire round of combat. That's crazy. Yeah, these guys were piss babies. A second light lights up above the portcullis. Great. Round three. I go to open the lock door. Enormous interlocking gears and cogs stretch as far as you can see.

Suddenly, a spherical construct with spindly legs and small wings tumbles through the open doorway. Okay. Holy fuck. It's like if Mike Wazowski fucked the snitch. That's exactly what I was about to say. Like, literally, Mike Wazowski fucked the snitch, had the most beautiful baby that you ever had the pleasure of killing.

How big is this thing, Adam? It's human-sized. The creature lands prone before you, Tiffany. Idiot. Tiffany, you recognize it as a monodrone. Monodrones are creatures created on the plane known as Mechanus, which is a plane devoted entirely to the alignment of law. They are

tiny little, well not tiny little, sorry, they're just creatures created to perform one single simple task. Or relay a message of up to 48 words. That's amazing. Well, we know his task wasn't to fall out of, well, it wasn't to successfully

exit a... That's what he was designed for. He dissolves into a puff of smoke and a light globe turns on. They're not really complicated creatures. They, yeah, they exist to serve a task and they serve that task with like a strange sense of logic. The monodrone slowly gets up if you don't do it. It doesn't look like it's hostile. It just looks confused. I want to like gesture everyone to step back.

It gets up. It looks around confusedly, then turns back to the wardrobe that it came out of and tries to re-enter, but it is simply buffeted backwards into the room. Horns. Yeah. In order to get the globe to light up. Is it my turn? There's no initiative. You can go as you will. Yeah, sick. I'm going to stab it in the room. Horns. Yeah. In order to get the globe to light up. Is it my turn? There's no initiative. You can go as you will.

Yeah, sick. I'm going to stab it in the back. Okie dokie. It has to die. You catch it completely unawares. You deal more than five points of damage, so you destroy it. It disintegrates into wisps of nothing. The third light lights up.

See? Well, I wanted to see if it... Well, it had a job. Yeah, its job was to die, to open the door. It must have had another job. It tried to get back into the wardrobe. It presumably had a job that it was trying to return to. So its job...

It got a new purpose when it came out of that door, and that purpose was to open that door for us. Are you going to do this for everything that comes out of these wardrobes? Ugh, I'm going to open the next wardrobe. Waves of heat assail you as the door opens, revealing an iron road leading to a basalt citadel surrounded by the charred remains of defeated armies. Have we ever tried to enter these doors?

No, you have not. Prisoners scream from iron gibbets that festoon the citadel walls don't want to go on that one suddenly a single glowing ember flies out of the wardrobe and transforms into a winged bony fiend with a smiling skull-like bizarre and i'm not gonna smile i assume i assume this guy attacks oh you better believe. Pretty much immediately. Flask of wine. You know what? He casts Hunter's Mark again.

It worked for him last time, and it's going to work for him this time. What is... Do we know what this thing is? He marks the target as his foe, and he gets bonuses on damage. Imagine he's just super close, paying attention, but it's a spell. Do we know this thing's called? No. On your attention, but it's a spell. Do another thing's called. No, on your turn, you will roll to learn. Art December is going to action surge to give himself six shots. Biff deals the killing blow.

Fuck. I love our Biff boy. I hate him. I want to do some murder. Biff breaks both of its legs. The creature collapses forwards, and then he breaks its fucking skull open Its body transforms into a pool of stinking ichor when it dies The wound begins to start smelling

Biff, fucking hell I didn't do that I mean, you did Well done Biff, thank you The fourth light goes on There's one light left and one wardrobe left I didn't do that. I mean, you did. Well done, Biff. Thank you. The fourth light goes on. There's one light left and one wardrobe left. I go over to the wardrobe and I rip it open.

Okay. I don't even look at what's on the door, Adam. No one has. You just never have. You gaze out across an ancient cemetery. It's canted tombstones shrouded in fog. Eerie, hungry shapes move among the graves in the distance Suddenly, bright glowing Balls of light appear

In the room behind you But then They, as like just flashes Disappear or fade away Both of you know what they are They are will-o'-wisps And you are in trouble What do you mean?

They're fire, yeah? They're just balls of fire. They're invisible right now. Up. Who opened it? You did, didn't you? Oh, fuck. The one time you raced ahead of me. Four lights appear around you, Pop.

Uh-oh. Four. Electricity launches from them to you. I'm immune to electricity. No, you, Pop. Uh-oh. Electricity launches from them to you. I'm immune to electricity. No, you're not. I almost got away with it. Did you? Yeah, Adam was like, is he? For the next four rounds,

you are vulnerable to lightning damage. Which means that all of these attacks, which all hit, are going to deal double damage. Pop, you take 63 points of damage your dead silence is maybe the best sound i've ever and then it's lukanu's turn your waifu comes in to save you hopefully uh she kills three of them i'm not gonna roll they're not tough enough to stand against her. Are you kidding? They're weak as shit, and I just copped 60 points of damage off them. And then Biff finishes the final one.

What? Adam. Yeah. This is some stone cold bullshit. It just happens. Straight up. That's how it goes down. It's great that I just dealt.

It was basically a trap. That was a trap. I just got punished for no reason. I've never done anything wrong. Pop is a good man. Nothing remains of the will-o'-wisps when they are destroyed. And then when the final one of the lights lights up, the portcullis slowly raises fucking hell pop are you okay um yes it hurt a bit though that looks like a lot it hurt a lot it it hurt a fair fucking bit

but um i will get over it uh maybe Starfallen hovers over to you. Yes. She sings to you. Oh. Pop is very uncomfortable. You recover 44 hit points. Yep. You can, yeah.

Oh, yeah, there we go. She turns around to the entire group and continues singing. Everyone in the group heals 21 hit points. Thank you. Oh, that's more than I need. You all right, horns? Never felt better. Great.

I literally never have. Good, good, good. Well, then, on we go. On we go. I march through. Graven images of rotting corpses decorate this hall, and the floor is littered with tarnished coins, pieces of armor, broken shields, axe heads, and other bits of scrap metal. I don't want to rest here.

No, that wouldn't be smart. Let's push on. You just keep heading forwards? Oh, no. I want to... That feels like a trap. Tiffany, maybe you take an extra step forwards and you feel like a tugging around your neck.

You turn around in a little bit of shock and surprise and you see Artis Simba has literally grabbed you by the scuff of your neck. He gestures to the tarnished metal objects in the hallway and says, do you think potentially perhaps maybe people with metal armor should not go into this room? Or weapons? I look down at my leather armor. And your rapier?

No, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no. Right. Thanks, Artis. What if we sent someone else ahead? Someone maybe without weapons or something or armour. I don't know. Let's look toward Mumbles. Yeah.

Do you look towards Mumbles? He doesn't have. Starfallen. Starfallen has no weapons or armour. She is a glowing ball of light. Starfallen, I believe, has a rapier and a dagger. No, technically Mumbles has nothing, doesn't he? Yeah, Mumbles has nothing, right?

He has basically just the clothes on his back, yeah. The only problem is, Cass, he can't talk. Okay, I glance at Mumbles and then I start scanning the room. Hey, Mumbles. Mumbles turns to you. I speaking in chelton yeah do you want to walk down the hallway a bit see what's going on and come back mumbles gives you the same response he gives to any question you have asked him in the past he mumbles he whispers and talks to himself and he does not act like he can hear you turn around and fucking look at me, you fucking idiot.

It's fine. Both of you can feel Artisembur staring daggers into the backs of your heads. I'll go. Pop? Yes? Can you hold my rapier and my rod, please? Absolutely. Artisembur takes Bookmark out of his sheath,

lays it on the ground in front of him, and starts taking off his leather armor. I'll come with. Why is he taking off his leather armor? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's got metal clasps. Oh. You should take off your leather armor as well.

It's also got metal clasps. I stop. I have no armor. I wear a straw hat and belts, and the belts are decorative. I hand Holy Avenger, i hand your rapier back she casts magic i can use a bow and arrow when you hand over holy avenger how useful are you uh i can also cast magic fuck face oh i'm sorry sometimes i forget and i've also got these

no yes i show up my fists. Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry. You are right. You do cast magic. I just, you know, I for some reason have a strange memory of you saying you couldn't. You're lucky you're useful, fuckface. I'm looking behind Pop. So I'm looking out from behind Pop so that artists can see me,

but Pop cannot, and I sort of give a smile like You're incredibly lucky you're useful I really want to punch the wall You can if you want No, because you'll punish me I'm going to look at artists and mime like, stop It's funny, it's obviously very

funny, but I'm like, oh my God, stop it. If you were not as competent a fighter as you were, look, I care for your survival, despite everything. But Valindra does not. And you have proven yourself quite a liability. Ah. Do you have any idea what I have had to bargain away so that she does not kill you in your sleep?

What? What the fuck are you talking about? She got sick and tired of you. Uh, who? Valindra. Fucking sick. I'll cut her head off next time I see her. Papa, you...

Wait, what did I do that... Hang on, hang on. Sick and tired of me. Yes. Do you recall the room where we found Orvex's painting? Yes. That room is kind of where everything came to a head. She'd been unhappy with you for quite some time,

but at that room, your insistence on getting that damn son or whatever it was, he gestures the son you gave Lucano, out of the room, was beyond irresponsible. And not just that, you're leading Tiffany into danger as well. I punch Artis Simba in the face as hard as I can. Pop! You miss. Can I re-roll?

Yeah, you can. Oh, my God. You strike Artis Simber. Pop. I launch myself onto Pop, wrap my arm. You deal eight points of damage to Artis Simber. I would like to try and jump onto Pop's back and activate the immovable rod around his neck.

Fuck. and activate the immovable rod around his neck. Fuck! I would make that an athletics check. Contested against Pops. I'm trying to restrain this bad man. You lock the immovable rod around Pop's neck. Are you going to resist, Pop? Do I know who's done it? Tiffany.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see. I know it's Tiffany. I don't fight Tiffany. Art of Simber, when he staggers back, there's like a bloody claw mark along one of his cheeks. One of his hands is in a fist, and you can tell that he means to use it until he sees Tiffany around your neck. He stops. Do it.

He lets go of the fist. Go on. Do it. Pop, what is wrong with you? Everything! Who's in your head? What do you mean? Who's in there?

Uh, the, the, uh, Shigambi. What does Shigambi make you do? Fight better. Swap him. No, with, with, hang on, hang on, swap him. Get Mower in. fight better? Swap them. No. Hang on, hang on. Swap them. Get Moa in. Why? Now. Are you asking me?

I'm telling you. I swap them out. I've lost my extra attack. You take four points of psychic damage as they wrestle and fight. Yeah, they're still though. They wrestle and fight. Yeah, they're still fighting. Neither one of them wants to leave.

Everyone thinks they're the good guy. Including Pop. You've got Mower in your head instead. Happy? No. Okay. No, I'm not. Okay.

What? Artis? What? Anything you'd like to say? You can't lie. I told her about Mesra. She was curious about the magic used to secret it. And I weighed up my wife's safety versus yours, and I deemed yours more immediate.

I have left nothing behind. I've played every card I have, and I've played it not for me but for us. You are one of the most selfish people I have ever met and I know Valindra Shadowmantle. I cannot believe how rude you have been.

Rude? Fuck. Alright. I don't want to hear it. I don't care who's in your head. No care who's in your head. No matter who's in your head, it's still wrapped around Pop Mandarin. He spits on the floor. I curse the name.

Tiffany, let's move. I jump off. I unlock the movable rod and I go away with new dad. I just, Pop just sits on the floor. Will any of this crack through Pop Mandarin's thick skull? I just... Pop just sits on the floor. Will any of this crack through Pop Mandarin's thick skull? Or will he truly never change? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chopped.

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