D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult III #22 All Babies are Monsters

Episode Date: March 6, 2021

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a member today using either coupon code RATBOY for a free month of Champ or RATKING for $20 off your first month of a King subscription. Welcome to Season 3, Episode 22 of Zombie Plagues Cholt. Previously... What? Sorry? Belinda turns around to look at Biff.

Biff starts sweating bullets. I am on Biff so fast, Adam. I'm going to count to five. Hop, don't. Five. Hop. Anything else. Four.

Nothing else you want to share with the class? She puts her hands on her hips. I can't wait to see the orats. You see just all around you, there are the sad, sulken forms of people. How long is this going to last for? To Valindra. Valindra is looking somewhere else with a smile, like a pleasant smile on her face. You've never seen her look so happy.

No, you have. I don't know, maybe turn you into a pig or something. Do you need to turn me back into me? Um, I could, yes. He's a nursery rhyme. He's in his final. I need to know from this point forwards, every single time your characters speak.

You've started it. If you say, you say backward, backward, like this. Fuck! Yes! Yes! You've started it. If you say, you sit backward, backward, like this. Fuck. Yes. Yes. You hear a dull shk, and you presumably can now insert the skeleton keys. You return to the gate. This 12-foot high, 10-foot wide door is made of green stone,

its surface carved with grinning goblin skeletons. Don't know how you know. You're not sure you couldn't. Well, maybe you're not an anthropologist. You're an archaeologist. I've met anthropologists. Didn't like a single. If you know what I mean.

Fucking hated all of them. A belt of smooth stone spans the door at a height of four feet, set with five gold symbols in a row, triangle a square a pentagon a hexagon and an octagon each symbol is engraved on a recessed circular seal uh those seals actually would be gone or whatever the the gold in the way is gone and now you can insert the keys all right insert those keys hang on do you share cool i'm not yes of course i shared the why do you mean like do i hold on to them pretend we don't have them when you start to unlock do you pass the keys out so we can all help or do you just do them all one by one is what i'm asking because you have all of them i hand you two

of the keys okay i unlock them i do the other three the door with a shuddering why i'm pause what the fuck's going on with uh cage oh uh sorry they would have rejoined you cage tiffany is kind of like right up the back flask of wine and star fallen are kind of like flanking her in a protective sort of thing flask of wine is kind of half holding her up and artisember is standing in front of the four of them i'm not sure what to do because while I've been there, you know, because she's me and it sucks, I'm like, oh, my God, she needs help. But I am jealous.

Those are my parents. So I just turn back around. I've got other things to do. With a shuddering clicking sound, the skeleton gate unlocks and slowly opens. Adam. Yes. Real quick. How am I doing? How are you doing? For hit points? Yeah.

You're on 138 out of 156. I'm going to just do a bit of a level 3 cure wounds. I'm on 76, yeah. You recover 15 hit points, Pop. Hey! That'd be almost full. You're 3 hit points, Pop. Hey! That'd be almost full.

You're three hit points off. That's good. That's good enough. I've got you on 76. Hey! The opening skeleton gate reveals crumbling balconies overlook a pool of lava filling this triangular chamber, above which is suspended an enormous crystal cylinder held in place by three adamantine struts. Wraith-like forms swirl inside the cylinder, and otherworldly screams hang in the air. Four long, writhing tentacles sprout from the cylinder's cap.

A shriveled monstrosity the size of an elephant floats near the cylinder. It looks like, oh, it's fucking hideous. Are you ready for this? Its body is wet and malformed. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Its arms and legs are atrophied and its oversized head drips black goo. Oh, fuck off. it looks like there are

umbilical cords coming out of it everywhere yeah the creature is attached to the cylinder by a twisted umbilical cord those are umbilical cords is it like a horrific awful death fetus velindra knows what it is well no one else just even could, really, to be honest. Valindra gestures to the creature and says it is an atropel, a ghastly, unfinished creation of an act of evil gods cast adrift and abandoned

long ago. You could consider it the child, if you will, of a god. The fetus of a god. Since it is never truly alive, it cannot be raised or resurrected by any means, and even the divine intervention of the gods themselves could not breathe through life into this hateful, miserable horror. It is unfinished, if you will, but still possible to be finished. Valindra enters the room proper,

and she gestures to the cylinder behind the atropal. That would be the soulmonger. It is feeding the atropal souls. Fuck. The energy of thousands, millions, hundreds of millions. Never thought I'd say this. That does not belong in a museum. I just stare at you wide-eyed.

That's character development, my friends. How do I turn it off? Valindra doesn't answer immediately. She actually doesn't even act like she heard your question. It is interesting in a way. Such an immense power. So curious. He's trying to not breathe life, but create a god.

What god? This one. She gestures again to the Etropel. It is not yet a god. It is still unborn, if you will. But it has the divine spark within it. It just needs to be fed. Fed upon the souls of countless.

What an incredibly clever act. Not what I would have done with the soulmonger, but certainly something indeed. done with the soulmonger, but certainly something indeed. Clearly, Azorak means not to be the power on the throne, but the power behind the throne. If he could tame this creature after

creating it, the power he could wield would be immense. He would not need a phylactery anymore. He would simply be immortal. Yeah, that sounds like fucking bad fucking news. Such a long way to go to be immortal. It, that sounds like fucking bad fucking news. Such a long way to go to be immortal. It's also fucking gross.

Look at that. You're not, you don't want to do that, do you? I have no interest in being the power behind the throne. I want to be the power on the throne. More open. That makes sense. That doesn't sit well with Pop. How do you think we can the the atropel and the soulmonger are both intelligent in design they will defend themselves but they do not understand that we are here to destroy them not yet villinger gestures to the adamantine struts

holding the soulmonger in place if i I can break through one of these, then I can break through all three. As in to say, if I break through one of them, the structural loss will cause the other two to break. And then I can capture the soulmonger, as it were. With the soulmonger captured, the atropel will wither and die eventually. Or we could just kill the atropel outright. If Azarak learns of what we have done,

which he no doubt will, he will undoubtedly seek to feed the atropal again somehow. I don't think he will. This seems like more than a pet project. Do you think the lava will kill it? I don't know. It could, but the atropal is hovering.

I don't think we could force the eutropel willingly into the lava, but we could certainly try. Oh, I like the sound of that. No matter what we do, the instant we start attacking, the soulmonger and the eutropel will clap back, as it were. We've just got to clap real fucking hard then, don't we? So all we need to do, step one. The struts are big enough to walk on, as a note.

So Valindra's plan is destroy the struts, cause the soulmonger to stop feeding the atropal, the atropal would become weaker, I guess, and we'd be able to kill it more easily. No, Valindra thinks that destroying or capturing the soulmonger will cut off the atropal's food supply, it will wither and die eventually if no help is given to it, but that won't necessarily weaken it functionally for a fight.

Yeah, I feel like we'd kill the atropal. Yeah. Because if we destroy the soulmonger and the atropal's still alive, the atropal's alive and then also maybe it calls dad. I would suggest we fight the atropal first. The soulmonger is not clever enough to understand that we are killing what it is feeding, so we can fight the atropal,. The soulmonger is not clever enough to understand that we are killing what it is feeding. So we can fight the etropel, then the soulmonger.

That sounds like a great idea to me. If we fight the soulmonger first, the etropel will understand what we are doing and will defend itself. This is a divide and conquer, as it were. Hey, Horns. Yeah? You ready to murder a gigantic, grotesque baby monster?

Yes. Good. Really? You worded it so... You called it a baby. Babies are monsters. Some important things to understand about the atropal. If you can deal radiant damage, I would recommend that.

It is vulnerable to it. Kiss the sword. It is immune to cold, necrotic, and bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from non-magical attacks, which drastically cuts down what I can do to it. It is immune to being exhausted, frightened, paralyzed, poisoned, or prone. It has true sight, so invisibility will do nothing. If you stand within 30 feet of it, you cannot regain hit points and you will feel necrotic energy leeching at you.

It should be able to summon minor wraiths to defend it, which are no great challenge upon themselves, but, you know, are not great either. This is such a bait and switch boss and I hate it. This is not going to be an easy enemy to face. None of them have, really.

Alright, well. Look at it this way. We are fighting, essentially, the equivalent of a baby in its womb. Imagine if it were birthed and we had to fight it yeah i'd rather not um i want to get out my rapier and cast green flame blade on it um i would like to attack maybe if we start with the umbilical cord first we can reach that from where we are, and maybe it'll come to us.

The cords are attached to it, so I figure if you hit a cord, it might hurt it. Would that be a fair assumption, Valindra? I would say true, yes. All right, then. All right, so you arrange yourselves. You ready, Hans? On the struts and around the soulmonger are tiffany pop lucanu biff and that's it standing back on the

platform from where you came on a much safer position but a position that allows ranged attacks flask of wine the star fallen artist sembor and valindra. Where's Cage Tiffany? Cage Tiffany is behind the formation on the platform. With mumbles? Yeah, yeah, with mumbles. They look after each other. Glad they've got friends and that mum and dad are here with us. All of you get a free round before we go to initiative because the Atropal is not expecting you to attack it.

Good. All right. Horns, you'll be all right. You too. I want to run up and try and slash at the umbilical cord with the green flame blade. Tiffany, I'm going to allow sneak attack damage.

Oh, and you get advantage on your attack. You hit. Dealing. You deal 35 points of damage, Tiffany. Better than none. First round of combat. Yeah, let's go Extra attack, 125 points of damage

Jesus! Holy fuck You have dealt 160 points of damage so far Fuck yes A bolt of lightning passes you by Unfortunately Oh no, it has disadvantage Yeah, flask

Still passes Unfortunately, the atropal narrowly dodges out of the way. It still cops some lightning, but it kind of lightly brushes over it. The atropal only takes another nine points of damage, which seems paltry in comparison. It does. Hey, fun fact, Lucano actually can't hurt it. She rages and attacks, but she can't hurt it.

Do any damage at all. No, she has no magical it. She rages and attacks, but she can't hurt it. Do any damage at all. No, she has no magical attacks. She cannot deal damage. Same with Biff. What if I gave her the Mace of Terror? Okay. I'll give her the god too. Not that it matters because she doesn't like the god.

She definitely does not want that god in her head. She didn't drink the beer though. No, she didn't, but she fights like the god She definitely does not want that god in her head She didn't drink the beer though No she didn't But she fights off the god It's literally an affront to her deity I literally took it willingly Repeatedly I've done this to myself

There was no point when I The first time it happened I was like oh no The second time it happened I was like every time it has to be this Alright she Wow she gets a lot of bonuses to these attacks lucano deals 39 points of damage biff does nothing and it's the star fallen's turn the star fallen does a little titter artist simbra fires three arrows and clad the zip, zip! And Tlad the Drow throws a ball of arcane energy that also strikes.

He deals 18 points of damage. And finally, it's Valindra's turn. Not able to deal cold or necrotic damage to it, she casts infestation. She causes a cloud of mites, fleas, and other parasites

to appear momentarily in one creature she can see within range. That is fucked. That is such an awful fucking spell. It gets in them. That's festy. That is festy. That's an infestee. The infestation causes it to take, and then it takes two points of poison damage but

the atropal drifts closer towards the ledge it's being forced there by the mites within it villager has no control over the atropal but she completely controls the mites and grubs that she has caused to infest it and she is dragging them closer to her. This whole thing is fucking disgusting. All right, then we'll go to initiative. Oh, cool. Lightning rakes the creature again, dealing only 11 points of damage.

Valindra deals another five points of damage and drags it 5 feet closer again. And then it is... the Starfallen's turn. The Starfallen... She really can only do the laughing thing. She titters again. The Atropal

does not feel bad this time. Biff does nothing, basically. Ardissember fires again. 3 more arrows find their mark, dealing a further 12, 15, 22, 23 points of damage. And then it

is Tlad's turn. Tlad throws another Eldritch Ball at it, striking again. And then, Pop, it's your turn. I would like to use Zephyr Strike. What a surprise. Mm-hmm.

And do what I do, and I would like my advantage damage on the Zephyr Strike attack. Okay. Oh, good job. Fuck yeah. You get a critical hit. Hey! Yay! I'm going to have one of them for a bit.

Feels good, man. Feels good, man. Slice to the cheek Double damage Let's re-roll that one Oh yes 67 points of damage Delicious You have laid absolute waste to this creature It is still standing though

It's your turn Tiffany Oh fuck Going in with my green flame blade You strike it as a wall Tiffany Oh, fuck. I'm going in with my green flame blade. You strike it as a wall, Tiffany. You deal 26... 30 points of damage. Lucano deals 29 points of damage. Everyone in melee with the creature,

except because he's immune to it, Pox, because he's undead, takes 26 points of damage. That was not its attack or anything like that that's just a thing it does every turn every turn every turn if you were standing within 30 feet of it it does that much well roughly that much uh necrotic damage i hate it i hate it a lot then it's its turn it splays its hands out and cold buffets all of you you can tell that the spell is identical in nature to the one that fly that artist simbra casts with his ring of winter

except it is so much more beefy 52 52 points of damage each uh uh no that's to you pop tiffany you take 36 uh 46 points of damage ah you're on four biff's corpse pox's corpse is destroyed it topples over into the lava and then pop you need to make a dexterity saving throw to stay standing you pass tiffany you need to make a dexterity saving throw to stay standing. You pass. Tiffany, you need to make a dexterity saving throw to stay standing. You pass. Lucanu needs to make a dexterity saving throw. She passes.

Biff's dead, so it doesn't matter. Pop, the second time you took damage this round, you need to make a dexterity saving throw. You pass that one. Tiffany, the second time you took damage, you need to make a dexterity saving throw. You pass that. Lucanu? Oh, my God. Passes pass that one. Tiffany, the second time you took damage, you need to make a dexterity saving throw. You pass that. Lucanu? Oh my god.

Passes her second one. Alright. No one except Pox's corpse falls into the lava today. Oh, the others are all at a distance. That was one of its actions. What? It uses its cone of cold again. It hits Pop. It hits Tiffany.

Can it re-roll an attack against me? And it hits Lucana. It re-rolls. It hits again. I'm going to die. You'll immediately stabilize, but yeah. No, because she falls into the lava. I'm going to fall into the lava.

Fuck. I'm going to die. Fuck. Pop, you take 41 points of damage. Tiffany, well, it doesn't actually matter because you have four hit points. So I hit zero. Is there any way to beat me? We'll deal with that in a tick.

Lucano takes 62 points of damage. All right. So, Tiffany falls. Pop, you need to make a dexterity saving throw. You pass. Thanks fuck for that. Would you like to make another dexterity saving throw to catch Tiffany? Yes.

Can I make it better by doing anything? Like, can I do something to give myself advantage? For example... You can give advantage if you drop Holy Avenger. So I get advantage if I throw the sword away, or I'm just rolling normally if I don't throw the sword away. Mm-hmm. Don't throw the sword away.

I'm not going to throw the sword away. It's way too important. I try to grab Tiffany you grab Tiffany shit a brick alright that was the triple's turn it's flask of wine's turn pop

you out of the peripheral of your vision you see a flash of gold and then flask of wine sprints sliding down next to you. He grabs Tiffany handily, throws her over his shoulders, turns around and is back on the ledge before you are even able to open your mouth. Right. The golden aura around him begins to slowly die down. Oh, a boy.

Fuck, such a fucking dumbass. Anyway, Adam, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Guys, it's fine. Guess what I'm going to do on my next turn, Cass? Use the thing that makes me invincible for a turn. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. 10. Oh my God. Oh my God. Valindra casts a spell and a bowl of fire surrounds the atropal. The atropal needs to make a reflex saving throw.

I bet shit's the bad and fails. It fails. Yeah, good. A 10d8 damage. Good, you dumb, grotesque sucker. Oh no. Valindra just uses one of her She maximizes the damage. She deals 80d8 damage. Good, you dumb, grotesque sack of skin. Belinda just uses one of her, she maximizes the damage. She deals 80 points of damage. No, actually, she's not going to maximize that damage. Belinda is expecting harder fights very soon.

That doesn't bode well for us. The Eterple takes 43 points of fire damage. Tiffany, you wake up. The star fallen is standing over you. I grab her. I love her. I love that the time is you die, fall, the next thing you know, you're just 30 feet, 40 feet away from where you were.

I assume the star fallen did it all. Tiffany, you have 31 hit points. Thank you. The star fallen gently kisses you on the forehead and says, you have 31 hit points. Thank you. The Starfallen gently kisses you on the forehead and says, you're safe. Thank you. Artisember plugs the atropal with three arrows and Tlad fires a bolt of arcane energy. Pop, what would you like to do?

Okay. Ooh, Tlad's attack is pretty devastating. How fuckled is it, Adam? It's badly damaged. Because the gift of protection means I couldn't get hurt by it this turn, but if I use it, I can't use it again for a week, and there's another fight coming. There's another fight coming. So, no gift of protection.

I'm just mad. I'm going to cast Zephyr Strike at him. I'm going to raise Holy Avenger above my head. I'm going to look this grotesque, filthy, fucking putrid baby sack thing in its big, filthy, fucking gross eye, and I'm going to very sternly, very sternly say, you killed my friend. That's very fucking rude. And stab it as hard as I can.

For a moment I'm like, Pox? And then I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's probably me. And then I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's probably me. Pop, you look the atropel dead in its undead, gross fucking face as snot and blood dribble out of the holes where its nose should be. That's gross.

Pick one. It's got a Voldemort nose. Pick one. You say that to it and then you drive Holy Avenger in between its eyes. The creature jerks and writh rides and screeches on the end of holy avenger holy avenger begins to glow hot and you realize you hadn't noticed a second ago but holy avenger is like white hot it is like touching flames you are in agony as well. You begin screaming as well as the Atropos screams. You feel, however, the life force, the malice, the evil within the Atropos begin to fade and ebb as the creature dies. home in a library no delve deep into a dungeon can prepare you for the fact that evil is a real

manifest thing and that it was stored within this creature evil no word other than evil ebbs and leaks out of this creature as it dies upon holy avenger it is oh it is a cathartic moment to see a creature that had nothing but malice in its heart and malice in its actions and future die prematurely on your sword pop cries Play the Etropel. Oh, fuck. My fucking hands. No sooner had the Etropel died when, with a crack like lightning, a skeletal figure wrapped in moldering robes and clutching a skull-tipped scarf appears on the southern balcony. well-tipped scarf appears on the southern balcony. Hateful pinpricks of white light burn in its eye sockets, and a two-foot diameter sphere of utter darkness floats in the air beside it.

I'm assuming, Adam, this is probably Aserak. I clock him, I guess. I look at him. I see him. I acknowledge his existence. I assume he's looking at me, and I'm him, I guess. I look at him. I see him. I acknowledge his existence. I assume he's looking at me. And I'm like, oh, you must be Aserak. You're late, cunt.

Aserak acts as you are talking. Aserak does not care. He is not here for words. He is not here to converse with you. He has come here with one objective, to slay the creatures that inconvenienced him. Azarak simply begins sweeping his arms in a spell. Lucanu, recognizing who she is looking at and what is happening, lowers her mace in a combat angle and screaming, she launches herself towards Azarak. Lucanu closes in with Azarak, and that's where her problems begin.

Your wife. Are you going to kill my wife, Adam? I might. Well, she's no longer. So she charges off the struts. She's now on the platform, on the far southern platform with Azarak. So she's not going to fall into the lava. That does not sound like a good thing, Adam.

She hits twice with the Mace of Terror. She does damage, maybe. Is it quotation marks damage, Adam? I'm just not at liberty to tell you. All right, that was her turn. Azarak finishes waving his arms in an arcane fashion and gestures. He gestures at Lucanu, and between the two of them, it feels like the lights in the room dim. Even the magma beneath you, it feels like the light coming off it dims. The light in the room halves in intensity. A bright, purple, vibrant cord of magical energy

appears between him and Lucanu. She fails her constitution-saving throw. So she lives. Lives. Nothing happens immediately. Tiffany, it's your turn. So it doesn't look like anything happens. Tiffany, you have some knowledge, Arcana, but not enough.

Whatever this magic is, it is powerful and deep. Ask Valindra. She's right there. I asked Valindra. She's right there. I asked Valindra, what was that? Valindra calls out from the far balcony, they have been inextricably tied. Damage to one will hurt both. Pokemon, this is called Destiny Bond.

What do you want to do? Oh, fuck. What do you want to do? Oh, fuck. What do you want to do, Tiffany? Oh, can you unbond them? Valindra yells back, no, the effect is temporary, but no, I cannot in an effective amount of time. I'm going to race in,

hit Azarak with a green flame blade, and then use my cunning action to hide okay uh you can try to hide but you'll literally be in front of azurak there's it's not going to be easy i would say you have disadvantage to your hide okay you could use your cunning action to disengage and then just retreat backwards if you wanted to you would be retreating backward oh well you could stay on the platform but being on the platform is still very close to azurak or you could retreat back onto the metal struts but taking damage on the metal struts means you might fall yeah maybe i'll just try and hide i'll take the risk and try and hide because i don't want to be on the metal struts okay i nearly fell into

you know that hitting azurak hurts lukanu And I wish I didn't. You lunge forwards with your rapier, and Azorak grabs your rapier, and then you keep driving it forwards, and you are faster than he is strong. So you drive That's a great sentence. You drive the rapier into him before

he can move it out of the way. You skewer him, you will deal sneak attack damage plus the green flame. I think he's immune to fire damage. No! He's going to be immune to so many fucking things, Cass. All right, no, he's not immune to fire damage. That's good.

Can I guess, because he's a lich, he's immune to necrotic and cold? Necrotic and poison. Oh, but cold still gets him. He's resistant to it. So he only takes half damage. Okay. This is maybe something Vol maybe something has told you well we know enough about liches now you deal azurak 17 points of damage and you

deal lukanu 17 points of damage that's my wife as the green energy between azarak and Lucanu ripples and you see negative energy flood into Lucanu and healing energy flood into Azarak, sharing their damage. Lucanu can't speak common, so she doesn't know that I knew. Ah. Fair. It's a very, I mean, I guess. I mean, the Star Fallen can always heal Lucanu.

Yeah, sure. She's definitely going to survive this fight. Azarak has his turn. Wait, wait, wait. What the fuck? Azarak casts a spell. After he casts the spell, Azurak moves slightly.

Not slightly, actually, quite a bit. Azurak finishes casting the spell, and then it's like he jumps. Like, well, you would not have this frame of reference, but like a DVD or a movie skipped from one scene to another. He's in a completely different location, not far from where he started, but you also see a shimmering shield of energy around him. Wait, if he's cast a spell and I'm a mage slayer

and I get a reaction every time he casts a spell within five feet of me, does it work? Yeah, you can attack him as he casts that spell And now, a word from our sponsors Hey, I'm George Jimmerlis and I'm here to talk about Bookish My book-themed interview podcast where I get a different guest on every week To talk about their favourite book and what that says about them It's kind of half about the book and a lot about the guest

Because I'm trying to figure out why that thing you love is that thing you love. So if you've ever wondered, I like this thing. I wonder what that reflects about me. This show is basically me trying to figure that out every week with a new guest. It's kind of half book podcasts and half psychoanalysis session from someone taking some wild shots in the dark, but it's a lot of fun and i think kind of informative and there's books cass did you just did you just know about your abilities and then use them correctly did i just set up an action put me in chess i could do it now you miss put me in coach you I could do it now. You miss.

Put me in, coach. You launch out from cover. Oh, no, you get advantage on this attack because he didn't see you. I am hidden. You, even with advantage, you launch out from your hidden spot. You strike him again. You can't use green flame blade, though. He's immune to your attack.

Boo. It sucks. Yeah Yeah I'm sorry Do you have a spell? That's such a good idea And it sucks that the daemon I'll allow you to react with a spell Do you want to use witch bolt? We're bringing out witch bolt

Alright Or could it be any spell? I will allow any spell You can use scorching rain My circlet of blasting Or agonizar's scorcher If you use agonizar's scorcher you get your surprise ability so he is disadvantaged on his dexterity saving throw i would like to use agonizar scorcher you launch

from cover hold on cass point your hand at him and bathe him in flames your attack hits he takes 11 16 so he takes eight points of damage and luc he takes eight points of damage. And Lucanu takes eight points of damage. Oh, fuck. Lucanu collapses. God damn it. I had a good plan and now it's ruined. What was your plan? I don't know.

Propose. Wait, marry me. Hey, Lucanu's still standing. Hey. Wait, marry me! Hey! Lucana's still standing. Hey! She uses her relentless rage ability. Oh, she's mad. To stay awake?

Yeah. She goes to one hit point instead of zero. She gets so angry she doesn't die. Then Azarak does his spell anyway. He shifts and moves, and it the Star Fallen's turn. And there appears to be something shimmering around him. Is that right? Mm-hmm.

The Star Fallen starts singing a slow, mournful song behind you. The song begins to swell in quality, becoming more and more powerful. You all recover 20 hit points. Oh, thank god! Woo! Artis Simber fires six arrows at Azurak.

He hits four times. All of his attacks count as magical. Two of them explode in shadow energy. Cool i hope i hope all mates wake to shadows and he needs to make a wisdom saving throw which getting hit by arrows and being like wait do you think i'm wise do you think i don't know no oh my god no i am I'm fine. Oof. Azarak rolled a three and passed. Jesus.

Azarak and Lukanu both take 18 points of damage. Azarak is filled with needles, but Lukanu looks like she's the one worse for wear. Lukanu is being drained and killed by the sickly energy between her and Azarak. Everyone who spoke common knows this is doing this. Drained and killed by the sickly energy between her and Azarath. Why the fuck? Everyone who spoke common knows this is doing this. Why does everyone suck so much? Pop, it's your turn.

Fuck. I give Ardis a look that is like, in that look, it is, you're supposed to be the hero, you fuckbag. And then I'd like to ask Valindra a question as a bonus-y talk-y action. Yeah? Does it work that anything that happens to Lucano happens to Aserak? Valindra shakes her head. Fuck.

Well, there goes my plan to make her drink this potion of diminution and then mishmash Aserak with my foot. Oh, we're fine. That went pretty good. Imagine ending the main boss fight of this entire thing that we've been doing for a year and you squish. Yes, I mean. Funny, funny. Adam, I don't know what to do because if I hit Asarak,

I kill the cat. Valindra, just last question. Uh-huh. If she dies, what happens? Is the connection severed? If she dies, what happens? Is the connection severed? If she dies, the connection must be severed. You cannot do damage to a corpse. Oh, my God.

But you can stabilize a corpse. You can stabilize a dying person. If she becomes dying, this continues. Oh, this is the worst. Saddam. Tom just wants to hold his action because I don't know what to do. You can hold your action if you want. Yeah, but I want to do fighting.

Oh, you're adorable. So if you want, you can hold your action until after. Lucano's turn? Yep. No, because she'll be dead by then. Valinda's got to have a turn and she's evil. She will kill Lucano if it means killing Azurak. It's just how she operates.

I can't convince her otherwise, can I? You could try. That'd be your turn. Wait for me, is all I say to her. And I'm ready to do something. Do you say that as a question, or do you want to use an action to intimidate? Or diplomacy?

I want to try just- If you just say it, you're leaving it up to the winds of fate. No, I want to try to convince her of either diplomacy, not intimidation, because I know that won't work for Valindra. Okay. That's such a pity, because you're way better at intimidation. Then you know what, Adam? Fuck it.

I don't like Valindra. I'm going to intimidate her. I've got a sword that could rip. Do you have anything for a re-roll, buddy? Look, you didn't make double digits on this. Oh, no. Oh, dear, no. Oh, no.

Oh, dear, no. Flask of Wine, I reckon, is going to cast Hunter's Mark. That's his bonus action. Otherwise, what's he going to do? He sprints halfway across the room and starts climbing on the soulmonger. Yes. Good boy. Then it's Valindra Shadowmantle's turn. Come on, you bony bitch.

Don't you fucking dare. Fire bathes the end platform. Holy shit. She's just hit Lucanu as well. Yep. A giant wall of fire bathes the

end platform. Azarak needs to make a saving throw. Fuck, nat 20, he passes. Lucanu needs to make a saving throw. She fails. Tiffany, you make a saving throw with advantage and you will take zero damage from your evasion ability. The fire touches all elements and places and in-betweens.

Wow. 48 points of damage. So, Tiffany, you take zero. Lucana takes 48. And then she takes 24. Okay. So, I've got good news, bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Bad news? Yeah. Bad news? Yeah Bad news? Lucana was on one hit point Oh, that's alright She'll just keep being on one hit point Oh, I forgot that's her ability She won't ever die Let's not say that

But alright What's the good news? That is the good news Oh Oh, it was one news Yeah So what you said, what you meant, Adam, was You have news.

Yes. Fuck. That was Valindra's turn. Oh, the fire doesn't go away, by the way. It stays. It's Talad's turn. I think that's good. It's not.

Connor's going to die. Yes. I hate that witch so much. I'm going to push her in the lava. It won't work. I will not let you do that Talad conjures a ball of fire into his hand, but as he throws it drawing a blank, you are unable

to cast the spell for one minute As he casts or begins casting the spell, everyone hears an audible, a loud audible snap from up the northern end of this room. And Talad the Drow, looking at his hand, neither of you can hear this, but all the NPCs on that northern platform can hear Talad whispering to himself,

What? I can't remember. What? What? That's Talad's turn. I'm going to kill him. It's Lukanu's turn He's not being actively Well, no one has been actively unhelpful It's just some party members Don't care about other party members

Yeah, I'm gonna push him in the lava actually If I can't kill Valindra, I'll kill Tlad On that scale, he's been fine He's not attempted to The thing is, I don't like him That's fair His name's Tlad. It's the Chad of Elves.

Look, I can't argue with that. Apparently pops an incel. Lucanu is rapidly losing steam. She swings again and again and again and again, but her mace just starts hammering off the shimmering energy shield around him, dealing no damage tiffany azarach gestures towards you and you see something that has previously only been the purview of valendra and pop the air ripples around you and the ghosts of hundreds and maybe thousands of dead claw out at you you know that end scene from Hercules where he's in, like,

the soup of all those souls? No. Is this kind of like the scene in Scooby-Doo where they- Imagine thousands of spectral entities swirling around you, all of them, every single one of them, an adventurer that Azarak has killed who stood in the exact spot you were standing in when Azarak killed them. There's hundreds. Maybe thousands.

You cannot tell how many countless. All of them claw at you and try to sap your life force from you. Screaming, wailing, gnashing their teeth oh god take the l am i right take the l the connection between lukanu and azrak ends oh i don't want to attack him anymore you're secretly here just to kill lukanu an assassin sent through time and then it's your turn tiffany i would like to repeat what I did. Use green flame blade. And then is there somewhere where I can, can I hide behind someone?

There's not a lot on this plot. Oh, you can hide behind Lucanu here. Yeah. That would be using your cunning action to disengage. Yes. Launching yourself back over the railing, you land and lunge forwards at azarach this time when he tries to grab your rapier you turn the rapier suddenly in a faint and he kind of just fumbles a little bit trying to catch the rapier you whip it back up around and slash at his face causing a scar similar to one of the

many scars dotting your face and then i disengage successfully before you disengage azurak reaches out to grab you azurak's bony fingernails brush against you it wouldn't even be a scratch that would leave a mark that is the mark he leaves upon you you take You take 10 points of cold damage as you feel a chill from deep past beyond the grave. Can I react to that? Yes. I would like to do Hellish Rebuke. He takes half damage. Am I able to disengage now?

You disengage, yes. This feels like bullying. He takes six points of damage oh god does he look injured he doesn't look concerned he's a corpse so it's hard to tell how much damage you've done time has done more damage to his body than you ever will yeah this is true all right then it's his turn he gestures and the roiling black sphere that no light escapes from it looks like just a 2d circle but you can tell that it's a 3d sphere it moves towards lucanu and then brushes up against her oh lucanu ducks and the sphere deftly passes over her,

just barely missing her. Lucanu needed a 20 and she got a 20. That would have killed her. Tiffany, you know this is the sphere of annihilation. If the sphere touches you, you die. You are consumed. Only the direct intervention of a deity could save you.

There is nothing else. A deity, a god literally needs to step in and say that you don't die. Oh, there's no saving throw on this. Wait, no. Oh, Lucano dies. Azarak waves his hand. Lucano

collapses forwards. Adam, I'm... So you... You killed her anyway. Lucano is dead. You're a piece of shit. Then it's the Starfallen's turn. First things first.

Pop, you get a bardic inspiration as the star fallen in her singing begins to weave a tale she sings of deeds that you have done that she was not there for but they happened she sings about the brave acts maybe maybe she sings about the defense of fort vengeance and the moments where you saved another person's life you have forgotten these events completely this dungeon has robbed you of certain acts of heroism from your past and the star fallen reminds you of the good man you have been. Not are. Have been. Everyone also recovers 20 hit points. Cass, if I have been, I can be again. Get a good boy card. Yes.

Then it is Azorak's turn. What? Azorak uses one of his legendary actions. How often can he do this shit? Just whenever? How many legendary actions does he get? He gets three every round. Every round?

Hey, Adam, why don't I get any legendary actions? I'm a legend. If we're fighting in Pop's house, would I be like... You come to my house. If you have a fucking house, yes. I will allow you legendary actions in your fucking house. Teefy, you take 12 points of damage as cold energy buffets you. Artisimbra launches three arrows.

Hit, hit, critical hit. Good job, Artis. Good work. Maximum double damage. Artis Simba's third arrow explodes the side of Azorak's head. He does 41 points of damage. That was Artis' turn. Pop, it's your turn.

So... I don't really... I should use this, but also... I have an ability that basically does it anyway. Oh, I should use this, but also I have an ability that basically does it anyway. Oh, I should say also Artisimber starts sprinting along the railing. He's running towards the fight as well to get closer. Oh, yeah. So, Adam, I'm going to get to the fight.

I'm going to get Holy Avenger. I'm going to use Zephyr Strike. And Radiant Damage does double damage to Old Mate. I do Radiant Damage to Old Mate too, don't I? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It does the extra damage. Great. So I want to use the first attack of Zephyr Strike,

do the double the damage advantage roll thing. Dub Dem. And have Stalker's Flurry ready to go for if I miss. on to have stalker's flurry ready to go for if i miss and if i i'm also going to use this as a as a as a plus d10 to the zephyr strike roll okay cash it in because adam all my happy memories well because as i stand and i race towards this lich i remember deep down the inner monologue in Pop's head is that, yes, deep, deep, deep down. Yes, it's soft, sharp, soft, sharp, soft, sharp, soft, sharp, sharp, sharp, sharp, sharp, sharp. But in the middle of that last little icy shard of sharpness,

there is a big leaf. Get a good boy card. You charge forwards. Your first attack is a hit and you don't need your reroll ability. Your second attack is a miss, so you use the reroll on that. Yes. You hit twice and you deal 44, 46 points of damage. All right, you bony-headed fuck. Let's fucking fucking dance that was your turn pop sprinting in you're

now face to face with azarach through the wall of flames azarach leers at you and you see malice hatred in his eyes you are an insignificant insect that has annoyed him for too long oh well i'll tell you what that's good because i want him to hate me azurak gestures and the sphere of annihilation launches itself at you fuck oh lord oh i gave you my ball it gently hums past you as it passes you you hear a whispering over the din of combat the roar of the magma beneath you you can hear it whispering at you. Your heart stops for a second, stops completely still, and the feeling of cold sweat drenching you passes over you. You understand that you, for a brief moment, gazed into the void, nothingness, emptiness, not the afterlife, but death, true death, the end. The afterlife, but death.

True death. The end. Even if your soul managed to escape the sphere of annihilation, which it would not, you would have been consumed by the soulmonger. So it missed. Yes. And I'm still looking at Aserak. You missed, fuckface.

Oh my god, stop. Stop. What are you doing? Oh, my God. It's Flask of Wine's turn. Flask of Wine brings himself up onto, like, he finds a metal strut on the soulmonger and wraps his legs around it. He knocks, draws, and aims a bow. And as he does so, he lines the bow up with the hunter's mark that he has.

And then electrical energy surges down his arm into the arrow. Azarak waves a hand and it explodes before Flask of Wine gets a chance to fire it. Flask of Wine falls into the magma. With a sickening splash, Flask of Wine lands in the magma. Flask of Wine takes 10d10 damage. Ah! Son of a bitch. Okay, so if this were a video game,

I would have turned the console off by now. Yeah. And I would be like, start again. There's no recovering from this. You have to start again. Will our heroes save Flask of Wine? Or will they have to reset to an earlier save state before their poor friend was molten goo?

Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Chopped. Hey, I'm Cameron James. And I'm Alexei Tolyopoulos. You might know us as the cinephiles from Total Reboot, Finding Drago and Finding Desperado. And guess what, baby? We're bringing Total Reboot back. Finally, the only podcast on the internet about movies is returning. We're coming back to Sance Pans with a brand new season of a very incredibly

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