D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult III #24 A Good Meal

Episode Date: March 20, 2021

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Welcome to season three, episode 24 of Zombie Plague Chilt. The last episode featured these things in this order. You recognize this item as the Talisman of the Sphere. It is a legendary item, like an artifact. There's only one in the world. Artisimber knocks you onto the floor. The Sphere of Annihilation strikes Artisimber. There's no sound. There's no nothing.

No gnashing. No scream. Artis Cimber is gone. Pop, you may have your turn. This entire fight, he has not truly taken damage until this moment right here. I tip my hat forward in a very angry let's fucking dance kind of way. You look around and you see flask it is potentially possible that he will remember the day long long years ago then an adventurer

named pop mandarin made him bleed you recognize the face of sister sias tiffany and mumbles both of them are outright slain with like an unceremonious flop get dumped out at the obelisk out the front of the dungeon. Adam, I have a very important question. What happens to my ghosts and all my objects? All right, so... Near the base of the cliffs,

a 15-foot-tall obelisk of cracked stone is draped with vines and black moss. Behind it, you see a dark passageway obscured by withered creepers. A second, smaller tunnel burrows into the base of the cliff to the east. Three stone gargoyles watch you from narrow ledges carved into the cliffside. Each has a face of a bearded devil, its mouth agape in a silent scream. All around you is an encampment, an encampment of red wizards.

There's maybe a hundred of them, probably more actually, maybe a couple hundred. They have set up camp. They have tents. There is barricades. Part of it is walleded they've been taking like bricks and wood and material and building an actual fortification you see that there are several

piles of corpses some of red wizards some of locals and some of the yaunt team and you can see that there are red wizards it's like an anim it's like a a factory like processing line the corpses are being dragged before some of the red wizards who animate them as zombies and then send them on their way and there are mercenaries there who arm them up with metal like with armor and give them weapons and stuff like that. In addition to the mercenaries, you see other martial people, so like soldiers and stuff like that. But instead of wearing different mercenary company housing logos and stuff like that,

you see that they are wearing the sigils of the Thay and you know that they are Thayan warriors. So soldiers trained and controlled by the Thay, they are not really mindless, but they are like indoctrinated almost. They are loyal to the death to Thayan wizards. So we've come out of a tomb surrounded by Nazis, Adam, is basically what's happened. Something like that. Yeah, good. Sick.

There's, yeah, there's just a lot of them. Your entire party are slightly damp from the teleportation process yeah i've got a bit of that black sludge just like a layer of it covering you you ride horns oh yeah the red wizards are suspicious at first but velindra stands to her feet and starts issuing orders and they immediately start following them what the fuck is going on it's so weird to be there again what's it like what's outside again yeah the sunlight nearly blinds you from being out you're suddenly outside it's been dark for so long yeah oh my gosh can i have a sit on the grass? Yeah, sure.

Where's Vaughn? Where's Vaughn? Valindra gets some water brought to you and all of you drink deeply from carafes of water. I drink out of my pot over my whole body. Yeah, we try and rinse off the goo. Yeah, maybe they bring a lot of carafes then and you have a quick wash. They seem to have set up shop like properly. They are comfortable here. Some of the red wizards, you can tell that there's a hierarchy.

Some of the red wizards here like have all of the comforts of home. You see slaves bringing hot water for baths. Not necessarily for you, but then Valindra starts making orders and then baths are going to be arranged. It's not bad though. That's good. I killed myself. Well, yeah, I wouldn't dwell on that if I were you. Okay.

I'd try to. Yeah. You know that thing you're really good at where you take all the bad feelings and you squash them right down into a tiny little ball in the centre of your chest? I don't think they're bad feelings if they come from a place of love. Okay, then. I mean, for me, that's all the same.

Has Talad done anything? Talad? He stands up. He seems pissed, but he doesn't say anything. Hey, I had to make a call. I wanted the people that I liked to get through the thing first. So what happens to all my stuff adam so i've got good news and bad news damn the braces of archery which were inhabited by the spirit of

kubizan turn to ash and are destroyed huh like on my body that's so sad the pearl of power inhabited by nang nang who won't share well with others remains you feel the spirit of nang nang leave though he cannot leave the tomb of the nine gods but the pearl of power remains as a gift to you from nang nang yep fuck the fact that i won over nang nang kills me the amulet of health from Papa Zottle, who bows before no one and expects others to do as I command. I don't think I use this at all. The amulet of health is destroyed.

Yeah, I was going to say, we barely use that. Actually, you know what? I'll let you keep the braces of archery, Tiffany. You were fearless and not afraid of taking great risks. I did well. I was thinking of pop, but actuallyiffany role-played it a lot better uh are you about to say adam that we're getting rewarded for how we role-played based on how cursed we were yeah the instrument of the bards inhabited by shigambi who never shows mercy to

evil doers turns to ash yeah look unfortunately you did not have much time with Shigambi. The ring of protection inhabited by Obelaka, who is risk-averse and a slave to routine, is destroyed. Yeah. The staff of Python inhabited by Moa, who must always speak the truth, remains. Yeah, you did really well on that one. That one's going to stay. The robe of scintillating colors inhabited by Unk,

who is incapable of making decisions, is destroyed. Yeah, that got destroyed with Artus. Yeah. Oh, that's right. It did get destroyed with Artus. You're right. So did the Wand of Wonder. Yep.

That was with Artus. The Mace of Terror was with Lucanu. Well, yeah, no one even thought to pick up the mace, did they? It got knocked out of her hand, I'm pretty sure. Well, I think it dropped with her. But yeah, the mace is still in the thing. Yeah, so the only ones you got to keep were the Staff of Python, the Pearl of Power, and the Braces of Archery, correct?

Yep. The spirits inhabiting them have gone forever, and you will never get their power, but you get to keep the magical item. Huh. Nice. There we go. Well, that was handy. What the fuck's going on?

I don't know. Where's Vaughn? I've just got the amulet. No, I've got it. You've got the amulet. Call him. You attempt to summon Vaughn, you feel nothing. Vaughn is either destroyed or too far from the amulet.

He's not here. I don't know how not here he is, but I can't reach him. Is Valindra with us? Yes, she's walking about giving orders. Where are your Dracula? Hang on, is that what they're called? My Camadain Cubs. Camadain Cubs.

Where are your Camadain Cubs? That's a good question. Did I leave them up here? You did. Yeah, where are my Camadain Cubs. Camadam Cubs. Where are your Camadam Cubs? That's a good question. Did I leave them up here? You did. Yeah. Where are my Camadam Cubs, Adam? The Red Wizards probably have not been kind to them, and they are definitely not alive.

Have I found that information out yet? Not yet, no. Okay, let me know when I learn that information. Let me know when I'm around someone who can give me that information. Cool, cool, cool. I'm going to kill a man for killing my family. That's fine. It's fine that you're thinking if the Kamadan covers your family.

Actually, no. For fear of Valindra, they would be alive. Thank God for that. Maybe a, yeah, no. For fear of Valindra, they would be alive. Yeah, a red wizard, no, a slave, walks over to you with three crates with the Kamidans in them.

Two of them like me and one of them hates me, and I can't remember which one. Well, how are they going now? It's been, how long has it been? It's been a while we've been underground. Oh, my God. You've been away for, like, maybe more than a week. Can we see properly yet, being in the sun?

Are we like bats? No, no, you'll never see properly again, unfortunately. Oh. Yeah, I know. It's pretty sad. Oh, I'm missing an eye, and it's my good eye. Even though technically they're both my good eyes because they got grown back.

You still feel like you're missing your good eye. Yeah. Because it's been better to you for longer. Yep. I'm also missing my hat. You're not missing it. You know where it is. Yeah, I know. You you for longer. Yep. I'm also missing my hat. You're not missing it. You know where it is. Yeah, I know.

You just miss it. Yeah. A red wizard called Karach Tund has been in charge since Valindra left. He appears to be of great power. He certainly, like, Valindra treats him almost like an equal. I wonder if he knows she's a lich although you can probably tell that velindra doesn't actually know karach tund uh you assume there's some internal politicking going on all of the red wizards have things that mark their rank and karach tund has an insignia of rank that you do not recognize on any of the other Red Wizards.

So you assume he's quite powerful. They have a conversation for a little while. Then all of you are brought into the command tent to have like a bit of a debriefing. Karach Tund asks you a couple of general questions about the Tomb of the Nine Gods. If either of you don't answer, Valindra does. What does he ask? Just a bunch of basic things he asks about the nine gods he asks about their different powers some maybe of the more notable magical items that you found and some questions about traps and stuff like that i'm unhelpful

maybe karach asks actually actually cross when when you get through, because Valindra has obviously recounted the story of your journey through there. Karach asks how, like, with almost reverence, asks what Azarak was like. I made him bleed. Karach nods. He's a bony cunt. And if I ever see him again, I will kick his ass so hard he'll shit teeth. Karach has like a stony expression. He's unsure what to make of your statement.

Heir of reverence. Is he impressed by Aserak? Does the idea of a really powerful lich impress him weirdly? Potentially, yeah. I hate this guy. And then Karach asks about the soulmonger. And Valindra is very certain that you were unable to acquire the soulmonger and you needed to destroy it in the field of lava. I look at Valindra.

And the look that I'm giving her is, for me to keep this a secret, you owe me. All right. You need to make a roll. Valindra needs to make a roll. And Karach needs to make a roll. This is good. You're doing a good thing. I am? No, no, you're exposing

yourself, what are you talking about? Karach looks from Pop to Valindra and there's like an air, a slight air of suspicion a narrowing of the eyes, but then it just passes over and the conversation continues. I don't know if that worked or not.

Underneath the table, Valindra steps on your foot. I could ruin her. You would die. You would be killed. I kick you as well. A few moments later, Karach stands up and says well if that's everything then velindra obviously you will need to make a report directly to tam and while you're gone well this is a great victory we should feast what what the fuck is going on here what exactly do

you mean says karach the soldiers the soldiers, the corpses. Where the fuck's my shield guardian? Your shield guardian is on a mission, I assume. A mission? Several days ago your shield guardian got up, saw some yuan-ti, and followed them into Oumu. We've not seen it since. What was the last instruction we gave

it? I don't know. Do you remember? No, I don't. We gotta find him. that will be a proposition for tomorrow tonight we feast and your wishes are are uh fulfilled i need a male boy philindra looks a little suspicious at that your wishes are fulfilled and karach clarifies uh we have captured the oh we captured several days ago in the siege on the yaunty we captured their leader he alive yes good where is he we have him penned in a cage great i want to see him uh please that'll be entertainment for the feast no i want to see him. Please, that'll be entertainment for the feast. No, I want to see him.

Please, please, please, entertainment for the feast. Karach seems coy. Well, we'll have a very entertaining feast then. In the meantime, you will be our guests. We will honor you, food, drink, wine, entertainment, as it were, tonight. Tomorrow we will help you find your shield guardian, and then you can be on your way, however you want to leave Oumu. I assume you have exit preparations planned of some sort?

Sure. Yeah. In any case, Valendra, Tam said that he requested your presence immediately after you left to the Tomb of the Nine Gods. Valendra, standing standing nods and says to you maybe like half a whispers i will meet you back at port nyanzauru until then keep yourselves out of trouble oh mate i'll make sure that she walks out of the tent thank you did she hear me thank her she did but she didn't respond. Oh, that's okay.

You right on. I was going to ask you the same thing. How are you doing? Do you want to do anything between now and the feast? Sleep. Sleep. All right. Maybe sleep.

You have enough time for an eight-hour rest if you want, like a full long rest. Oh, fuck, that'd be awesome. And the soul monk is gone. Yep, you are properly fully healed. Hey, are there any really powerful healers in this group? The Starfallen and Sister Sai ask, between them, your damage or whatever is fixed completely.

You're at full hit points, both of you. Oh my god! Yes, finally! Outside of the influence of the soulmonger, both of you can get a full heal, and it is easier to restore your more permanent injuries. Fuck yes, my leg's good. No.

You have maximum, your normal maximum hit points. So what's that for me? Your hit points are 103. Pop, you're 166. Oh, boy. But you don't need to roll. You just get your full hit points now Oh fuck that's so nice

God It actually genuinely feels satisfying to know we got a good sleep And it didn't even happen to us you know Like me and you in real life But I feel better I feel so much better Oh my god I didn't know I was carrying that weight you know Man

Also when you ask Pop how he was No one's asked asked Pop how he was, so he doesn't know how to answer, so he nods. Yes. What? Are you okay? Oh, that's a lot to unravel. Let's just go with for now. Yes.

Do you know what you were saying when you say that? When I say what? That you're okay. Do you know what? I know what okay is. Do you? Well, I know what it should be. But not what it is.

I'm not okay. Okay. But I will be. How? I'm going to kill a snake, okay. Okay. But I will be. How? I'm going to kill a snake, man. Okay. When you wake up, I'm sorry, no. At a certain point, you are woken up.

A member of the elite Thayan god, one of their loyal to the death servants. How gentle is he in the waking? Fairly. Thayan guard, one of their loyal to the death servants. How like gentle is he in the waking? Fairly. He like maybe puts a hand on you and shakes you a little bit. Okay. It's not like violent. Had it been sun and I might have put a sword to his throat. There's a couple of them.

I'd say maybe four in total in your tent right now, just waking everyone up. In a very serious voice he instructs you, the feast is soon to commence. You are invited. Thank you very much. Brilliant.

We've had a bath by now, yeah? Yeah. Oh, my God, we're clean as well? You've had a hot bath. If you wanted, you didn't even need to wash yourself. They probably had a slave to do that for you. I washed myself. I washed myself. I washed myself.

Flask of wine did not. Is there like, so we're sitting in like beds and stuff. It's like nice things. Is there like a bit of fabric lying around that I can rip and turn into an eye patch? Sure. Great. Do you want an eye patch? They could supply you with one.

Yes. They supply you with an eye patch. Right. Is my pillow stuffed with feathers yeah okay in like just like before i go to bed just down actually okay just before i go to bed using my leather working skills i just unpick the corner of the pillow take out a handful of feathers and sew it back up and i just store them for future ball of soft purposes. Okay. You head into, there's this giant, it's barely even a tent. It's more of a marquee.

It's a giant space where there are tables set up in a kind of like a square sort of thing. In the center, there is a giant cage with a drape thrown over it, a big black drape. But the drape hangs in such a way that you can see that it's bars. It's a cage in the middle. Around the tent as well, there are giant hogs roasting on spits. Wine, more wine than you could possibly imagine. Beautiful silver goblets, plates, and cutlery are laid out. You see roast apples.

You see beautiful assortments of vegetables, massive bowls with different vegetables arranged in, like, aesthetically beautiful positions and with colors that match each other. My eyes start watering just because I'm overwhelmed by nice smells. The dungeon didn't smell good. No, it did not. This tent is pungently beautiful. As we're just walking through, we're, like, in our group. I just sort of turn to you and Flask. I don't know where the others are.

Also, they're not going to understand what I'm about to say. Hey, just, you know, welcome to here, and it's great. There's some food and all, and we're all clean, and it's nice, and we're having a good time. You know, be ready to, oops, get out of here real quick, like to you, and it's great. There's some food and all, and we're all clean, and it's nice, and we're having a good time. You know, be ready to, oops, Greg, get out of here real quick, like, you know? Oh, yeah, I'm always ready. I'm so glad to be clean, but, well, rest of this is good for running, you know what I mean?

Absolutely, and while this may be a meal flask, this ain't the end of the story. There are a bunch of red wizards already seated, and the Thane warriors bring you up specifically to, there are like several seats laid out specifically for you with little cards with your names on them. Oh, can I keep it? Is it special?

Sure, if you want. Does it, oh, why do I want to keep it? It's just nice. Oh, yeah, no, these people think I'm good. I keep it. All right. So it's like a fine dining arrangement, like multiple cutlery, plates, these people think I'm good. I keep it. All right. So it's like a fine dining arrangement, like multiple cutlery, plates, glasses.

Excellent. I know what every single fork is for. I look at pot before I touch any cutlery, and I'm not subtle about it. If you see me looking, could you still show? I just tap the one that I'm like the right one. No, wait. I grew up in a castle.

I know. Sorry, ignore that. Both of you are kind of semi aware of etiquette i'm aware of etiquette but i check you every time because i feel like you're just gonna have a better grip on it than me you are seated very close to karach and several other obviously very important red wizards it'd be like karach pop tiffany flask of wine the star fallen sister sias to add the drow and then like on the other side, more Red Wizards, probably of less and less importance as it goes on. But only Red Wizards.

There are no mercenaries or Thayan warriors here in a non-guard capacity. There are quite a few. You can tell that the Red Wizards in this camp, security is a very big priority for them very obviously there are also several undead guards roaming about of various species and type so you are served the first course it's an entree a fish meal which is crazy you're not sure where they're getting fish from but it's a fish of some sort, maybe a white fish. And it has like a beautiful lemony sauce on it with like a green mushy peas and what do you call it? White broccoli cauliflower.

Yes. You served that as an entree. And then a slave comes around with two carafts. No, four carafts. One is a beautiful blue wine. Another one is a more elegant elven wine. Then they have mead and water. I don't touch the elven wine.

Blue wine. Blue wine? I wait until someone else drinks it before I drink it, but I pick blue because it matches me. Okay. I drink mead. Mead? All right. Actually, I drink it, but I pick blue because it matches me. Okay. I drink mead. Mead? All right.

Actually, I drink water. Gotta keep my head clear. All right. Flask of Wine also asks for the blue wine. Flask of Wine is watching Tiffany watching Pop. Flask of Wine orders the blue wine. The Starfallen orders the elven wine. Sister Sias has mead.

Tlad the Drow probably has the elven wine. And then it keeps going down the table. Got to stay sharp. Something bad's going to happen. Does Flask look like he's having the best meal of his life? No, there's too many rules going on here. Flask of wine understands that he could fuck up eating, and that is not something that he's used to.

This is why he knows this isn't the end of the story, because this isn't a nice meal for him. Well, there's also no trees around, so that's not good for him. No, he has to count them to just check. It's not an even and it's not an odd number of trees. This is the worst fortune possible. I feel

confident on what forks to pick. I quickly double check with Pop and then sort of hint to flask. The water tastes quite nice, actually. You notice it has lemon in it. You picked the blue wine. It tastes of mulberry. It is delightful.

Oh, we're getting a nice thing happen. Something bad's going to happen. Yeah, that's no good. Isn't this a nice flask? Flask of wine shakes his head no i i didn't realize i could fail at eating he says he picks up one fork and a red wizard who can see him gives him a little bit of a like a shake of the head flask of wine puts that fork down no no no um i'll show um i pick up the correct fork, quickly double check what Pop's doing,

and then sort of show a flask of wine. All right. Flask of wine under your tutelage eats correctly, though he hates it the entire time. I'm sorry, flask. I don't understand. Did you try the wine? How can they eat wrong?

He has some of the wine, yeah. He likes the wine. It's nice. Flask gets smashed. He pours a little into his yeah. He likes the wine. It's nice. Floss gets smashed. He pours a little into his water skin. Asks for more. Then a main course is brought out. Main course is part of that pig.

Or actually, you know what? They have an option. The server comes around and asks, would you like the pork or would you like the venison? Venison, please. Pop Mandarin says yes. The slave looks clearly and very obviously panicked pop if the slave fucks up he's going to be whipped i said yes all right the slave leaves a different server comes out with your food where'd the other boy go the slave shakes his head slowly you don't think he understands

your language. What does he speak? What does he look like he speaks? I tried Cholten. He's not Cholten. No, he's not a local. He's probably from Fae, so he might speak a local Faean language. Do I get both foods? Yeah, you get both meals. That's what I wanted. The venison is

a venison steak on top of mashed potatoes with carrot and leek and a beautiful mushroom sauce. Oh, man, I'm so hungry. The pig is pork crackling with apple sauce. with apple sauce and- Actually, my saliva burst into my mouth just then. I almost dribbled on the microphone. A puck of just beautiful, creamy butter and maybe roast carrots with radish.

Radish garnish. Fuck. A puck of butter butter what a fucking excellent description uh please i'll have a puck of butter hockey hawk it into my mouth more like it all of your drinks are refilled whatever you were drinking they top them up for you and everyone just has like a polite conversation and continues to eat sometimes pop Pop Karach engages you or Tiffany in conversation. Yeah, what about? It's light sort of stuff. He talks about how dreadful Oumu is just as a place.

Talks about the weather maybe. He discusses, if you want, he discusses the siege where they took down the Yaunti. Yeah, I get offended when he says that Oumu's ugly. The city here? What love do you have for this city? It's old. Belongs in a museum. The whole city. I had the gods of the city in my

head a lot, Adam. I loved this city and now so does Pop. I try and back you up on that. Like if you're saying you're ugly and you're like, well, I think the city has really beautiful historical value. What did you order for your main? The venison.

The venison. Okay, cool. No, I'm just curious. Okay. I don't know if I asked you. You did and I got venison and it's served with mashed potato and I feel like I made the right choice. Okay.

I'm jealous about the applesauce, but I'm sure there's a dessert coming, you know. Before dessert, after everyone's done with their main and they've cleared it away, you've been at this dinner for like maybe nearly two hours now and after the mains have been cleared away, Karach stands up

holds out his hands and the group goes silent very quickly. Karach gestures to the cage that has been the like main feature of this meal right now so far and he says and now, of course, it is time for the entertainment. Several Thayan warriors grab at the cloak over it and pull,

revealing within the cage Rasnazi. Does he look well? He looks pretty fucked up. He's bruised and badly injured. Oh, no. That sucks. What happens next? Anything? Does he look well? He looks pretty fucked up. He's bruised and badly injured. Oh, no. That sucks. What happens next?

Anything? With that, Karach looks at you, Pop, and says, Please, would our guest like to do the honors? Oh, you fucking bet I would. I forget everything I've been doing. I grab a passing mead, down it in one go, throw the cup away, pull the sword out pull holy avenger out climb over the table all right you climb over the table rosnazee cow was away from you up against the other side of the cage as far away from you as he can get let him out

the thean warriors open the cage door but rosazznazi does not get out of the cage. Come here. Razznazi refuses. Come here. Razznazi does nothing. Can I get at any part of him, his tail? You're about to get in the cage. Yeah. No.

Yeah. Is his tail grabbable? Sure. I want to grab him and pull him out, call him out of the cage using the great classic scorpion line, get over here. You can't. He's too terrified. He wraps himself around the bars at the opposite end,

and the cage is too heavy for you to shift on your own. You're making me very angry. This could be easy or this could be hard. You fool. Rasnazi hisses at you. You think they are your friends? They're not my friends, but neither are you. You are eating their foods, drinking their wines.

You have killed us both. Great. I stab him with Holy Avenger. You kill Rasnazi. You bring it down into his back, into the, like, the base of his neck. Ugh. Just before he dies. Is he, like, I don't know, skewer him.

And then just before he dies, I want to tell him that this is for Adesimba. Okay. Yeah. Sorry, this is for my friend Adesimba. You sever his spine at the base of his neck. Rasta Z goes limp, dead. The crowd golf claps. Karach stands up and says, but of course, the entertainment is not over.

Please. And he gestures to one of the entrances. the entertainment is not over, please. And he gestures to one of the entrances. The curtain is pulled back and wheeled out on like a dolly or whatever is the remains of Vaughn. He has been torn apart limb by limb, piece by piece. There are bits and pieces of him. One of his arms is slowly being dragged along on the dirt from another entrance behind karach their shield guardian the giant golden brass one steps into the tent don't do anything what the fuck have you been playing at i survived death once you think i couldn't survive it twice? You think I was out of bodies to inhabit, perhaps? You idiots.

Do you not recognize me? Of course, I'm in such a new form. But it's me, your good friend Zagmira, she says. Both of you begin feeling dizzy. And now, a word from our sponsors. Has this ever happened to you? You're playing Dungeons & Dragons with your mates, and someone turns to you, the dungeon master,

and asks where drow come from. While you flip through the monster manual panicking, another player asks how the different planes interact with each other. Now you're really flustered, and people are laughing. Your mother comes in carrying a tray of freshly baked cookies, but all your friends are leaving, disgusted that you don't know. On their way out,

one of your friends tells your mother what happened. She spends the next hour yelling at you to be better. It's awful, and it could happen to any one of us. Thankfully, I've got great news for you. Hey D&D, it's me, Adam, and Cass. It's a delightful series where myself and Cass from D&D is for Nerds

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useful for all play styles. Just head on over to sanspantsradio.com and sign up for any level of our Sans Pants Plus subscription today. Son of a bitch! I want to make myself vomit.

You bring your fingers up to your mouth. It's been like two hours, buddy. Fuck! You start trying to make yourself vomit. After like a little bit of a spew pop, the ground starts rushing towards you. Tiffany, you black out as well. No.

Slowly, you begin coming to. Oh, fucking, I hate everything. You can hear the distant sound of horses and trumpeting. When you wake up, you're waking up in, it's not like bright and vibrant anymore, and a lot of the fortifications are gone. You're in the camp still, tied to several trees. As you begin coming to, you hear a flask of wine.

Sigh with relief. Flask of wine. There's no way this is a good omen, right? Even number is a good omen. Six trees is the perfect number. Six? Well, that's good. That's something.

Fuck, no, there's seven. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. No, is the perfect number. Six? Well, that's good. That's something. Fuck. No, there's seven. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. No, there's only six. Who's on the seventh tree?

Pop, Tiffany, Flask of Wine, Starfallen, Sister Sias, Tlad the Drown. Six trees. Flask of Wine. Oh, thank God. I thought there was seven for a second. That's good, right? We were nearly in trouble there.

No, that's good. That's good. We can get out of this. there. No, that's good. That's good. We can get out of this. There are six trees. You have been stripped of all of your equipment. You do not have magical items right now. You do not have weapons. You have clothes, but you don't have armor.

Well, I don't have clothes. Well, Pop, you're just as the day you were born. I've got my belts. Pop, they've stripped off your leg brace as well. Cocksuckers. You can see in the distance flames, horses, and carts. It looks like the procession is leaving Oumu. The red wizards are going.

They just left you tied to the tree. There are still a bunch of people about, but it looks like the last stragglers. A figure in armor walks up to you. He's carrying a torch, which kind of obscures him mostly, but as he gets closer, he and the torch move in such a way that you recognize this mercenary. He kneels down next to you, hikes up his pants a little bit, and says, well, well, well, isn't this a familiar situation? Fucking cockhead.

So, you're in a bit of a pickle, aren't you? Gloat harder. I don't really need to gloat much, do I? Are you going to help us or are you going to leave us? No, I'm going to help you, yeah. I'm going to... We'll make a deal. What kind of deal?

So, I'm going to help you in the exact same way you helped me, and there's not much you can do about that. Just so you know, if I ever see you again, I'm going to punch your stomach out through your back. He waggles a finger in your face. I bite his finger. No, he doesn't waggle it. He knows you're dangerous.

He doesn't waggle it close enough for that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That, my friend, is a pretty fucking big if. He jams the torch into your broken leg. Adam? Yeah? You take five points of damage. What's the range on spike growth?

Spike growth, you can't cast it. You're bound. You can't cast spells because they're bound? Yeah. Well, spike growth requires verbal, somatic, and material components. So anything with material, we can't. Well, anything with material or somatic, you are bound up, so you actually can't do the somatic components either.

John, I can do. Zephyrstrike. It's the only spell I can do. Wait, do they take every single item I own? All my weapons and all of the things? Like literally everything? Oh my god. If you had an item, you no longer have it.

No. Flask, the ball of soft I was working on. It was a present. Where are my cubs, Adam? Your cubs? They're maybe still in their cages nearby. I took all my treasures. Yep.

The tablets. Mm-hmm. My sword. Yes, they definitely took that. I hate everything. My periaptive wound closure is gone. That will kill me. My rapier! I can't

do anything. And I'm assuming it's going with them. Yep. Fuck, Adam, I hate you. Why have you done this to us? We went through so much. He stands up and then turns around and leaves with nothing else. Kill that man.

In time. Kill that man so many times he's gonna die to death can i start trying to work on untying myself you certainly can there's still a couple of people around are you gonna wait for because you you will probably have the alarm sounded if you're free yourself now alarm sounded yeah there's still like stragglers like people packing up the final bits of the camp oh can i try and untie myself but then hold the rope? So I'm untied, but it looks like I'm tied up. Is Talad tied up with us too?

Yep. Suck shit. Okay. You spend like five minutes. Fail, Tiffany. I'm going to have a crack too. Okay. Same thing.

Just, yeah, hold it in place. After a little while it becomes very apparent that you lack the ability you don't know how you're getting out of this one after a couple of hours the last bits of the camp pack up and leave and you see the last lights leaving omu sorry hordes you didn't do this. No, I did. Well, I don't want to spend the last bit of my life mad at you, so let's say you didn't. Oh, we're not fucking dying here.

I'm just apologising. Jesus Christ, don't have a pity party. Let's go. Come on. Floss, can you use your paws to scratch through the rope? I have been trying for several minutes now. That's all right. Thank you for trying.

Now, Fallen. Yes? Can you teleport? Yes. Can you teleport now? I've just been waiting for making sure that everyone's left. But yes, I can get out. Starfallen, love your work.

This is good. This is good. This is good. This is good. We're not dying here. We're not dying, and it's good. I am sorry, though. With like a gentle sparkling effect moving over her body,

Starfallen disappears from where she's sitting and appears standing up next to you. She starts untying people. Thank you, Starfallen. I punch a tree real hard. You do so. I punch a tree real hard. You do so. I'm good now. Can I collect branches and stuff and try and use bits of my armor to make?

You don't have any armor. You said. No, you're left with clothes, not armor. I'll use bits of my clothes to make and sticks I found on the ground to make pop a new leg brace. You do a fine job. It works. Is that better? Yeah, thanks.

Thanks. You're welcome. Probably. We need to leave. Can't believe they took our stuff. I can't believe it. I can't believe it really well, actually. I hate it.

I hate it a lot. You want to get it back? I know it doesn't matter, but I really it. I hate it a lot. You want to get it back? I know it doesn't matter, but I really do. I want the stuff. The artifacts are important in their own right, but if I didn't get them back, that would be okay. I just need the sword. The sword's important.

The sword's very important. Flask, I was trying to make you a new ball of soft, and they took everything. I'm so sorry. It is okay. Balls of soft come and go. I give him a hug. Friends are forever, he says.

I squeeze tight. He hugs you back. Can't believe we got drugged when we were being so cautious. It was in the food. It wasn't in the drinks. It was in your goblets. Yeah. Damn it.

If I had said nothing, which is what I was going to do, I would have been fine. It was the water that did it. The mead I drank before I started that fight was not poisoned because it was just mead passing. How did Valindra not pick this? You were all deceived. No one was expecting this.

That's what I mean. How did she not see with her magical powers? That's not how her magical powers work. She's not psychic. Yeah. She can't see someone's soul when it's still in their body. Fuck you, Zagmary, piece of shit. I hate her so much.

Her last memory was of Valindra saying to you that this is your fault. That's very funny. I mean, you did that. You definitely did that. As you're sort of stalking your way. So who's leading? Pop, you seem the maddest. Yeah, I'm leading.

As you're leading the group through Omu, you see a group of undead walking nearby. There's seven of them in total. of undead walking nearby there's seven of them in total you recognize seven ghouls awful looking creatures that have a paralytic touch and they are being led by a ghast which is just kind of like a more powerful version of a ghoul all of them have blue triangles tattooed on their foreheads which means that they once served ross and z though presumably now they have no master which means that they once served Rasnazi, though presumably now they have no master. Hmm.

So what are you doing about these undead? We're going to avoid the fuck out of them. We have no weapons. Walk past them. We don't have weapons. They don't have a master. You lie low while the ghouls pass you, and then you may continue.

Are you making any stops on your way out? No, I just want to catch up to those fuckers as quickly as possible. Okay. Wait, do we go past the cart where the Chewinga was living? Yeah, you could swing by the Chewinga wagon again if you wanted to. Let's swing by. I have nothing to give it. You know that the Chewinga lives in, there's a mossy

stone disc underneath the cart. That's where the Chewinga lives. I try and hold out my hair. Can you use your claws to just cut my hair? Yeah. Can I try and rip a chunk of hair out? your claws to just cut my hair yeah can i try and rip a chunk of hair out no cut it off you don't necessarily need to do that can we just flip the stone disc over well the chewing will only present itself if it wants to so you might need to have something to entice it out but you don't necessarily need hair like it might like a shirt

or something like that i flip the disc over see if it's there on the other side of the disc there is a moss covered stone half buried in the mud underneath the wagon concentric rings of inscriptions cover its surface some written in common and others etched in a jagged suniform the tablet is a proclamation from the omen queen to her rivals in mezro the mezroans couldn't read the omen's native script so the tablet contains the same message written in both common and old omen it reads queen napaka proclaims that the free people of Omu fear nothing. Brave new gods protect us, as Ubtau did before, but does no longer. Omu will rise again, and Napaka shall reclaim all that is hers

by right of conquest. It is, after doing the Tomb of the Nine Gods, a message laden heavy with other meanings. Yeah. She fucked up, though, because she dead now. Yeah. You realize that with this, you could translate Old Olmen. The message is in both languages.

This is like a Rosetta Stone. I was about to say, did I just find the Rosetta Stone of Old Olmen? Yep. The stone itself weighs 200 pounds, so it's not really easy to take. But if you had paper and charcoal, you could make an etching or something. Which we do not have. Fuck. When you lift up the disc, the Chewinga does not present itself.

Hello? Are you there? Please? No one's got any paper. What? Paper. What? Paper. What? No.

This isn't about treasure. This is one of the most. I know. No, I know. It's a really important discovery. I know. And my helpers lay down the track with talking all over. No, I know, I know, I know.

There isn't any paper. The Chewinga might have paper. There's no Chewinga. Are there any, like, buildings around that might look like they could have old paper in there? You could have a little search around if you wanted to, yeah. No, we're losing them. Put the stone back.

It really upsets me. We can look around. It's fine. We're going to get our stuff back. The stuff only speaks. It might be worthwhile to wait a little bit as well. I know you want to catch up to them right away, but what happens when we catch up to them?

Death. How? I'll figure it out when I get up to them. There's an awful lot of them. Sure, but we don't need to kill one of them. Well, actually, we don't need to kill them. We've just got to rob them. Yes.

How? Stealthily. We've got very good thieves. At night. Yes. Talad, I assume you are a villain. I don't know what you mean by that. He says.

You can steal shit. You're sneaky. I wouldn't say by that he says you can steal shit you're sneaky um i wouldn't say that he says he means that as a compliment i'm sneaky no i just don't think i'm as sneaky as you seem to think i am i don't think i could sneak my way into a camp oh okay um what do you think we should do, Stafford? Maybe it might be worthwhile to stay and what did we lose that we need? The sword. Why do we need it? What do you mean, why do we need it? Why do we need it?

Because it belonged to a very good friend of mine, and I cannot lose that sword. Uh-huh. Who gets hurt if we don't get it back? But it belonged to a very good friend of mine. I understand. And he died, and his other friend died protecting us. I understand.

So I have to keep that sword alive. Pop, she's right. I understand. When something like this happens, it can feel like you're losing them all over again. That's not what it is. I just want the sword back. Pop. There's no secondary

reason. Pop. I just want the sword back. Pop, it's reasons like this that they died. Fuck. She's right. I think it's night time right now and omu and cholt are more dangerous at night than they are in the day i think it would be wise to find a building rest and then tomorrow we can start our journey back did you how did you come here to omu you remember that you made a plan to meet at that lake once every,

I think it was week? They would leave a marker there. There was a marker. There were going to be notes and everything like that. That ship's coming back and waiting for you. We do have a way out, and that's really good. Well, what about tonight we rest? We can see if we can find some paper and some charcoal.

See if we can get this etching of the... Don't want to. It doesn't matter. It's fine. Well, even I can see the value in this stone. Yeah, right. If you want to do it, you can. Know yourself how.

I'm not saying we will never recover these items. I'm saying maybe it's best if we slow down. We're vulnerable right now. Yeah. I, you know, absolutely. I understand. Do you know where they're going? You know that they had, the Red Wizards had a base at the heart of Ubtal.

They might be returning there. There's a base at the heart of Ubtal. They might be going back there. Well, let's avoid that for now then. Okay. We just need to get back there. Well, let's avoid that for now then. Okay. We just need to get back to the boat. That's step one. I guess step one's surviving the night.

We're going to get back to the boat so we can get to Port Nines and meet up with Valindra. I mean, there is also the looming shadow of getting back to Port Nines so we can tell Lady Ware that we have successfully completed her task and thus continue on the mission to rescue your father. I'm very eager to get back to Port Nines, R.

It's just stuff, isn't it? It's always just stuff. Yeah. It's always been just stuff. Well, I mean mean you know yeah i guess just stuff so the first building you enter it's empty aside for it's maybe like a one-story dwelling it used to be a home a domicile a long long time ago you will be sleeping on the cold hard floor but you will be sleeping with walls around you growing out of the floor you see several strange plants they've like exploded their

way through what was once floorboards in the center of the building it's a some sort of red thorny root. You identify it as ryath root. A creature that ingests ryath root gains 2d4 temporary hit points. A creature that consumes more than one ryath root in a 24-hour period must succeed on a DC 13 constitution saving throw or be poisoned for one hour. It's worth picking some of this. If we won, it'll help us. If we more this. If we one, it'll help us. If we more than one in a day, it'll hurt us. Seems fair.

Just makes us feel a bit stronger for a bit. All right then. You gather some of the raya through it. You gather enough, I would say, oh, who's going to gather it? I reckon we all store like a couple on our person. It'll be like one person directing it and other people because otherwise everyone going at it is not going to be good i'll harvest i know what it is much all right you harvest if you want pop you can help i'll help oh actually pop you're look tiffany

identified it but you would probably be better at collecting it oh really yeah you get a plus seven to survival while tiffany gets a plus one how about i collect you collect a new supervisor yeah yeah he explains what it is and you're like oh wait yeah no well i understand how in theory you would want to get this oh yeah no i understand i'll look for the bits that look like they would do the most good you get enough for 14 doses worth so we all take two and then i offer the third to whoever wants it. I won't volunteer. I'll take it then.

I guess I'm the tankiest. Everyone has a rest. We take turns in a watch, Adam. Pop, do you take first watch? Yeah, always. All right. Tiffany, on your watch... Okay.

You see a tiny little head poke itself through the doorway and look at you. You recognize him. Hey. He comes in with hand in hand with nothing. He's got his arm reaching out into space, but it's not holding anything. Hey, I sort of like get down really low, so I'm at eye level. I think I'm just lying on my tummy. If you approach, he starts moving.

All right. my tummy if you approach uh he starts moving all right so tiffany you recognize that he is holding the hand of something that is small and invisible it is bigger than him but it is still small maybe the size of a cat if you get down and start approaching the small thing starts dragging him back out and he refused he like did the uh chewing digs his heels in and tries not to be dragged out but he is hopelessly smaller than whatever the invisible thing is i'm sorry i'm sorry i put my hands behind my back and stay quiet the chewing is slowly starts dragging in something something behind it do you do anything i wait and try and give off a gentle energy you hear a snarling from the space where the invisible creature is and a snapping fear me fear me

the creature pushes the chewing off and visible. What strange and powerful creature has the Chewinga brought for Teefy? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chot. Hey, Dickhead, are you thirsty for more Sandspants? Let us shoot our long, hot ropes of content right into your gaping ear holes. Head to Sandspantsradio.com to check out all 26 of our public podcasts and become a member of Sandspants Plus to check out all 26 of our public podcasts and become a member of SandsPants Plus to check out 20 more bonus shows and bonus feeds.

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