D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult III #25 The Return of the King

Episode Date: March 27, 2021

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most procedurally generated podcast network. Buy that thing you love is that thing you love. So if you've ever wondered, I like this thing. I wonder what that reflects about me. This show is basically me trying to figure that out every week with a new guest. It's kind of half book podcasts and half psychoanalysis session from someone taking some wild shots in the dark. But it's a lot of fun and I think kind of informative. And there's books. Welcome to Season 3, Episode 25 of Zombie Plagued Cholts. Previously.

All around you is an encampment, an encampment of red wizards. And then Karach asks about the Soulmonger. And Valindra is very certain that you were unable to acquire the soulmonger and you needed to destroy it in the field of lava. Just, you know, welcome to here and it's great there's some food and all and we're all clean and it's nice

and we're having a good time. You know, be ready to oops, get out of here real quick like, you know? Oh yeah, I'm always ready I'm so glad to be clean but well, rest of it is good for running, you know what I mean? Absolutely. And while this may be a meal flask, this ain't the end of the story. Does Flosk look like he's having the best meal of his life?

No, there's too many rules going on here. Flosk of Wine understands that he could fuck up eating, and that is not something that he's used to. This is why he knows this isn't the end of the story, because this isn't a nice meal for him. What the fuck have you been playing at? I survived death once. You think i couldn't survive it twice you think i was out of bodies to inhabit perhaps you idiots do you not recognize me of course i'm in such a new form but it's me your good friend zag mira she says as you begin coming to, you hear flask of wine. Sigh with relief.

There's no way this is a good omen, right? Even number is a good moment. That's not what it is. I just want the sword back. There's no secondary reason. Pop. I just want the sword back. Pop, it's reasons like this that they died. Fear me. Fear me.

Fear me. The creature pushes the Chewinga off and becomes visible. Is it good? Is it helpful? It looks like a dragon with butterfly wings. It has the size of a cat. As soon as it breaks away and says, fear me, I can't help myself. I go, hello. Fear me.

The little dragon spreads itself out and makes itself look as big and imposing as possible. Tiffany, you recognize this creature as some sort of dragon, but you don't know what. Well, it says, go on. Fear me. I sort of look around and make as obvious as possible that I am literally lying on the floor. I don't know how much submissive I can get. My hands are behind my back. Good, good, he says.

Yes, excellent. What's your name? My name? What's your name? Tiffany. Okay. Who's your name? My name? What's your name? Tiffany. Okay. Who's all this? He says, gesturing to the group sleeping behind you.

They're my friends. What are their names? Well, we've got Starfallen. We've got Pop. We've got Vlad. We've got Flask of Wine. And Mum. Okay.

Which one's which, he says. I slowly move my hand from behind my back and point with my pinky finger. We've got pop, flask of wine, dad, star fallen, mum. Okay. Do any of them have shoes, he says. Do we have shoes?

Did our shoes get taken? You would still have your shoes, yeah. tiffany you probably have boots of a fashion pop does not flask of wine does not the starfallen sister sias and talad all do um yeah most of us have shoes did you want shoes yes bring me one pair of shoes from one of them. Why? I command it, he says. I guess I take my own shoes off. I have to sit up. I'll do it slowly. No, someone other than you, he says.

What's wrong with my shoes? You'll see. Mum will forgive me. Hang on, does anyone have shoes that are the same size as my feet? Everyone's still wearing their boots. It's cold. Yeah, but who has the most similar size shoe foot to me? To you?

Yes. No one. You have hooves, don't you? Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting about my hooves. I know how to make shoes. They're just made of leather. Who has leather shoes? I'll replace them.

Everyone has leather shoes. I'll skin the dragon if I have to. I'm not going to skin the dragon. Yeah, I take Sister Sias' shoes. You take them off her? Yep, sneakily. As you're doing that, he says, no, wait. Tie the shoelaces together. Leave the shoes on?

Yes. Tie the shoelaces together. Okay. I tie the shoelaces together. He's making you do a prank. Sister Sias doesn't like. You've got deft hands. Good, he says. All right, you get three questions. Hmm.

The Chewinger sits in between you, cross-legged, and folds its arms. Do you know where we can find some paper and charcoal? Yes. Question one. Tell me where to find a giant sword if you've seen it it's on its way to the heart of ubtal or so i've heard why did you want me to tie the shoelaces together because you need to lighten up a little bit all of this groveling and fear. Oh my god, it's so yesterday. Now if I were to walk into that building and I just point to the closest

one. You've had your three questions. Oh, I know, I know. We're just having a conversation. Uh-huh. Paper and chuckle in there? Couldn't tell you. Couldn't tell you? Yeah, I just couldn't tell you. What if Do you have water skins or something like that no we don't actually anything like that no we've been robbed that's annoying wait right here he hops onto his forelegs click click click click click click walks out click click click click click walks back in with a armfuls of berries and he dumps them on the floor there's not enough here for a proper meal but there's a like a fistful of berries he says mush them up okay i start mushing up did he tell

me his name no no he didn't yeah i start mushing him up. Put him in that one. He points at Pop's hand. I do it. Now scratch his nose. I do it. Pop, you are awoken when you slap yourself with berries in the face. What in the actual fuck is happening? What?

You're doing pranks now. I like with my eyes gesture to the dragon but have a cheeky expression hopefully conveying that this is a fun thing. There's nothing there, Pop. What the fuck are you doing? Have you fucking had horns? I think I've made a friend. With who?

The dragon. There's nothing there. Tiffany, the dragon's gone. So is the chewinger. What? I'm going back to bed. Let me know if you ever want to do more pranks. So what's going to the heart of Ooptow?

Well, we figured that. Yeah, well, you've got Barry on your face, don't you? Yes, I've got Barry on my face. The next day rolls around. I forgot to untie his shoes. You untie his shoes you untie her shoes yes okay you don't wake her up all right everyone gets ready and steps out into the day again oh it's set for the boat you travel back to the lake lake luo? Yes. Over the course of several days, you're going to need to guide yourselves and feed yourselves.

We have a guide. Yes. Flask. Yes. So you're going to let Flask take the lead on that? Yeah. Flask of Wine has very little trouble leading you back. A couple of days in, nothing has really gone wrong.

You've been eating mostly off the land. It's been a lot of berries, nuts, things that flask of wine can scavenge, and you, Pop, you're a decent survivalist when you need to be. So you eat kind of fine. Sometimes the starfallen can cast purified food and water over what you have, and so you can turn not necessarily great food into an all right meal. Certainly. Definitely edible.

Yeah. Nothing that will kill you. On maybe the sixth day, you see Flask of Wine bring your procession to a halt and gesture ahead of you. You can see another Tabaxi watching your party from a vantage point about 300 feet away. He's up in the mountainous rocky region looking down on you near the forested area he's just watching you can see that he has a

big feather plume which is how flask of wine originally identified him so with the big feather plume you can tell that he wasn't originally stalking you he quite clearly was not going about trying to be stealthy it just so happened it presumes that he bumped into you and he's just watching you from afar i wave i love every tabaxi now how's all those nice because i'm saying hi when you wave the tabaxi turns and leaves. Oh. Flask of wine shakes his head. Do not wave at these wild tabaxi. Why not? It is like you were saying, look, look, we wish to kill you. Really?

It's incredibly threatening, yes. Oh, no. Jeez, horns. It is an old tabaxi tale, and it does not end with a good meal. No. Yes, I know. It is basically the worst insult you can give among our kind. Well, I'm glad he didn't try and kill me then.

Oh, he still might. We should watch out for him. You probably angered him greatly. See, I did... This makes so much more sense. Every time you wave, I'm like, why are you doing this? You like this person. I understand now.

You are strange people, I will will admit that's a fair assessment i'm sorry no it's it's okay you didn't understand i guess your customs are yes strange waving at people you should shake your tail at them next time i will shake your tail is like ah yes this will end with a good meal because your tail is like, ah, yes, this will end with a good meal. Because your tail is where your rump is. And that is where all good meals end. Adam! Fuck, Adam.

All right, let's keep going. I follow on. Just before the Valley of Embers, just as you're leaving the Peaks of Flame, you see the remains of a dead explorer. He's wearing a flaming fist style helmet and his legs are broken. When you kneel down, oh, well, would anyone move over to inspect him? Yeah. Well, you can tell that he's obviously a member of the Flaming Fist, that military fighting force that you all have tussled with previously.

Yep. He looks like he died in a euphoric state. You, Pop, know a little bit about fairy dragons. They come in many different sizes. They're strange, half-fae, half-dragon creatures. Oh. Do they look like a small thing about the size of a cat, butterfly wings?

Typically, yes. They can get bigger than that, though. Okay. The fairy dragon has a breath weapon called Euphoria Breath. The dragon exfails a puff of Euphoria Gas at one creature within five feet. If they fail a wisdom saving throw, they can't take reactions and must roll a d6 at the beginning of each of their turns to determine their behavior, which could be the

target takes no action or bonus action and uses all of its movement to move in a random direction, or the target doesn't move and the only thing it can do on its turn is make a wisdom saving throw to try and end the effect. It looks like under the effects of the euphoria breath this person wandered off the side of a cliff you can see that there is some attempt been made presumably by his compatriots to get him back home still but he quite clearly died en route i search him he has some basic equipment on him his armor has probably been stripped off him but you collect like maybe no they wouldn't have rations either you collect a mace that might be it to be honest well that's something that's better than nothing are you gonna use the mace pop yeah all right cool

got nothing else that's fair so you continue onwards and eventually you come to lake luo where the marker is maybe you only need to wait a couple of days before the brazen pegasus pulls in and you see old friends again grig i go and give grig the biggest hug grig returns the biggest hug oh Oh, my God, no. I hide my face. Grig doesn't mind. Really? He doesn't even react.

I give Grig a second hug. It is bigger than the first. You have a mum tattoo that Grig gave you. That's right. I show my tattoo. He shows you his. Ah, we touch him. Sure.

He touches your heart tattoo with his heart tattoo. Does he do a quick head count and realize that we are a different party of people, but also have somehow got new people? You see that he has, like, flashes of different emotions, seeing new and non-returning faces.

How have you been? Uh, we've been fine. Yeah. Sailing to and from. Every time we came here, we left another message. Maybe the last message is the only one you read, which was just like a long letter from Greg talking about how much he misses you and how he hopes you're safe. I've pocketed it. Actually, you know what?

Every message was there. He left a message every single time, and every single one of them was a lovely, heartfelt message, wishing you luck. Put them in my pocket. Keep them. He never lost faith. He knew you'd be coming back.

We knew you'd be here too. Thanks for waiting for us, Grig. Thank you. Of course. How many letters are there? There's, let's say, five. Wow, we've been gone for five weeks. No, actually, that doesn't seem like long enough. Let's say eight. Jesus, we've been gone for five weeks. No, actually, that doesn't seem like long enough.

Let's say eight. Jesus, two months. Yep. How long were we in the dungeon for? Quite a while. A bit more than a week, I think. Fuck. How many rests did you take?

Every rest is like eight hours. I imagine counting the letters is very shocking because we just rested when we need to and had no concept of time. All right. I guess we better head back. You make haste to return to Port Nyanzaru. Clearly you don't want to stop for anything, do you?

No. Can we get to Mesro? You could stop at Mesro, yeah. Is his wife there? No. You don't know. Certainly the sailors report that they've not seen any change around Mesra. They killed Razmazee and Aserak bailed and the soulmonger's gone.

So whatever evil magic was going on around there is gone. Does everyone else just want to get home? Is that the vibe? Yeah, Talad kind of doesn't want to make pit stops, definitely. I don't care what he thinks. Well, no one else minds that much. Do you mind if we make one stop on the way back? If you feel like you need to, that's okay.

All right. Yeah. Just feel like I should. Just on the off chance. Yeah, no, I understand. Yeah, then we'll go back the off chance. Yeah, no, I understand. I mean, there might be nothing there. Yeah, then we'll go back on the boat. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, archaeologically speaking, it would be cool to see a city. I know. That's definitely where I'm going. I know. Yeah, good. Yeah, I'd like to try to stop and get to Mesra if we could on the way back. You pull in. The ruins left behind form a circle four main avenues to the north south east

and west meet at a central plaza the whole ruin has subsided over the centuries so that water from river along flows over the ancient wharfs crumbling vine covered buildings rise above the flooded streets that are now more like canals than roadways. The site is eerily quiet. The ruins have been thoroughly ransacked by hundreds of different groups over the years. It's been well over a century since Mesro disappeared, and these ruins have been like a hot spot for people traveling in and around chult searching for anything worth pillaging you see the remains of flaming fist patrols which have come through this site a great deal many times you can see that this is quite obviously a place where they bring new recruits

for training nothing remains here nothing nothing other than the buildings themselves anything that could be picked up and taken out has been picked up and taken out. Like I said, just eerily quiet here. You walk around. I would say that you, well, Tiffany, if you want to come, it's

Pop, Tiffany, Flask of Wine has come, and maybe Sister Sias, but Tlad the Dow and the Starfallen stay on the ship. Lead the way. All right, then. It doesn't sort of look like. It really doesn't.

Is there any way you want to go or? Yeah. Guys like poke around to see if there's like i don't know magic like isn't an illusion adam you can't see any magical illusions or anything like that this place definitely exists and is real you know that artisember told you that this mesro is fake essentially when they spirited the real mesro away they left this behind basically to destroy to make people think that this is what happened to mesro but actually mesro has been spirited away somewhere and it hasn't returned no it has not returned i thought maybe killing the

snake would that's what artist sembra thought as well apparently not are maybe gonna kill the lich maybe yeah all right we um we can get back in the boat before you leave you pass an area of mesro where there is like a subtle sheen of ice on the floor within a bubble flakes of snow slowly down, and you can see that there's icing covering all sorts, all parts. I investigate. Pop, you can tell that this is the after effects of one of the abilities in the Ring of Winter. It looks like it happened a long time ago, though. Like a long months, months ago.

Maybe before you met Artis. Put my hand in the bubble. It's Artis. Put my hand in the bubble. It's cold inside. Put my hand in the bubble. It's chilly. There's nothing in there? No. It's just a bubble where the temperature is as cold as winter.

You've seen Artis' ring do this before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't realize it could last this long, but it does apparently. It's definitely an older effect. All right. Just an indication of where Artis has been. it could last this long, but it does apparently. It's definitely an older effect. Alright. Just an indication of where Ardis has been. Let's go back to the boat, I guess. That was disappointing.

Well, I mean, you killed Ros and Z and that's what Ardis wanted. On your way back to the boat, you see that tabaxi again. Flask of Wine points them out a second time. I wag my tail. The tabaxi turns flask of wine points them out a second time i wag my tail the tabaxi turns around and walks away flask of wine gives you a dirty look what did i do i wagged my tail you wagged your tail oh that's all i did look at your tail it is not a fluffy curly cat's tail you need to wag your cat's tail that's the only one i have well

then unfortunately you should not wag that that is an insult that is like saying you will become so thin because you do not eat how do i i just want to be kind how do i do that well i for one would not do that again it would have been better if you'd waved. Hey, horns, want some advice? Don't be kind. It's hard. But it's a worthwhile challenge. Not everyone likes it. Case in point, you've now tried to be kind twice.

Maybe that man will try and kill us. I doubt he will try to kill us. He might just cry. That's what I would do. I guess I know that you weren't, you know. Well, can you wag your tail at him next time? I will, sure. You want me to just call him over?

Hang on. We never talked to him this whole time. Yes, of course. I could just walk over to him. He's not going to attack us. I just, could you explain that I was trying to be nice? I just didn't know how. Okay.

Floskawine turns around, walks into the forest, and comes back out with the other tabaxi. The other tabaxi is like a tabby grey. Hello. Hello. My name is Fingers Quiet in the Mist. Hi, Fingers Quiet in the Mist. I'm Tiffany, and I'm really sorry.

I was trying to be nice. It is a pleasure to meet you. I am told that you did not want me to starve. No, no, not at all. I'm sorry. I don't have a good tail. Well, look, I would eat more if I were you. There are plenty of good meals in Chult

and the surroundings yes well and then maybe next time we can avoid these confusions thank you for the advice you're very welcome I don't mind look advice is free food costs money the greatest

they say it in conjunction. They say it together. The greatest crime of life is that you must pay for food. I nod in agreement. Depends where you're eating. Certainly. So, you have come to Mesoro? We were trying to

find it, but... We thought maybe something we did would bring it back if only it was beautiful once I hear do you know anything about how it could come back or are you from this area

I know a few things here and there like? I can speak Old Olmen you can? yes I am fascinated by the cultures of old a shift between the different cities within the jungle sometimes traveling from

one then to the other then to one then to the other I saw you the first time you traveled past Mesero and your giant metal man knocked down some of these buildings yeah apologies for that it's okay. He's gone.

I don't own them. No. And then you headed towards Oumu, and so we kept bumping into each other, though you never saw me from your ship. And then you went into Oumu, and I lost interest in Oumu for a little while. But then when I was coming back, I saw you leaving.

So you followed us? Yeah. I knew you would come by Mesro again. And I was curious of Mesro again. So I coincidentally also just came along. What's your fascination with old cultures? I don't know. They're cool, I guess.

Like how they did things. Did they mean to make the streets like they would become canals? Or was this accident? Did Omo want Yonti to inhabit it and become an evil, horrible place with Azorak's tomb? Or was that just a coincidence? All of these things and more fascinating. Do you want to learn? Sure.

All right, come with us. All right, he comes with fingers quiet in the mist wears like a tribal headdress and strange chicken clothes oh my god there's so many feathers on it yeah it's like he's wearing a chicken outfit it's quite clearly plucked from actual chickens it's mostly white though you see red patterns in it quite clearly he has attempted to make it look like specific patterns, like maybe Allman characters, but it's not a great job. Oh, the feathers, he can't be blamed. He did the best he could with what he had.

No one questions the new Tabaxi in the boat. Good. Other than that, do you make any stops? On the boat ride over, I introduce Grig to Fingers, and I try and get fingers to teach me how to say hello in a nice way somehow you are able to wrap your head around the complicated methods of saying hello in tabaxi you learn that the most effective way is to just yell really loudly i'm sorry i'm so loud i hope you have a lovely meal this is

perfect writing this down um i want to try to learn some basic old olman olman alphabet you're struggling it's a very incredibly different alphabet basically it's not really an alphabet at all the cuneiform characters are more like visual representations of the idea that you were trying to put across and there's not as much formal rules for it as there are in common there's it's almost like a language that is up to interpretation so it's very difficult to learn i'll allow a second yeah. You've got some basic understanding now. You could, if you needed to, with enough time, write out a lot of basic ideas. So you could communicate, given enough time,

you could communicate most basic ideas. All right. Good. Given enough time, by the way, means like 15, 20 minutes. Yeah, no, that's all right. Good. Given enough time, by the way, means like 15, 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah. No, that's all right. I'm just happy to be building my repertoire of knowledge. And this is only written.

Fingers quiet in the mist actually doesn't know how to speak, old Olman. He can only read it. That's all right. You return to Port Nyanzaru. As you do not have any gold, maybe the ship pulls their money for the dragon turtle and they pay the dragon turtle for you. Thank you so much.

I have nothing to give it. Thank you. You pull back into port 9. I give everyone individually a hug who has contributed money. As you pull in, you see the robed form of Zindar. Do you remember the gold dragon who runs the docks? Yeah. He walks at speed towards your boat as it pulls in there

we go he's waiting for you as they like lower the gangplank and people start wandering off hello hello you remember me yes yeah yes yes i helped you jot it of course you remember um your presence Your presence is requested. I have been informed that you are basically right away. By who? By Lady Ware and Lord Ware. Lord Ware? Yes. Lord? Yes, he checked some papers.

Lord Richard Ware? It's an urgent message. Take us, take us, take us. Oh, fuck. All right. Any, oi, postman. Yes? Any letters for me?

I'm sorry. I didn't have a chance. I just, as I saw your flags pulling in, I came basically straight here. No, that's good. That's why I like it. As you're walking down the docks, aides start rushing at Zindar. As you're walking down the docks, aides start rushing at Zindar. The brief respite he had from managing the docks here immediately washes back against him. He starts immediately, like, with machine gun timing, responding to people as they talk to him.

He listens to multiple conversations at once. Letters and parcels pass through his hands like water through a tap. As he goes, he collects several of them and starts handing them to both of you oh thank you hang on i've got letters yes why do i have letters who are yours from um you received three letters pop tiffany you received 28 from who from who eight of them are from sister sias you receive 10 letters from ferut the were tiger you receive five pieces of broad correspondence from your father's estate and they're just like day-to-day like kind of mundane boring stuff just asking for answers to questions of things like what do you need done with this or that yeah when you

threw your name around the last time you were in port nyanzaru your estate worked out where they need to send your mail and so mail has been coming it's been factated for some time that's right we threw we used your title and i freaked the fuck out when i realized you had a fucking title one letter is from the king got a letter from the king it was an invite to a ball that has long since transpired oh two letters are from distant family members sending their condolences on your father's passing and i forget how many i have left but one of them should be from one of those people who sent their condolences apologizing for sending their condolences and saying that they know that your dad isn't dead and then one is from your dad i don't i'm sorry what what one is from your dad what what what does it say do you tear it open and

read it yes dearest tiffany this one's like immediately you recognize it as from your dad because it's sealed with his royal sigil. This is a sigil, do you see? It's not a royal sigil, but his house's sigil. Whose sigil? That's my dad. This is from my dad. Hang on.

You what? My dad. Your dad wrote you a letter. I thought he was not dead, but not. Yeah. My dearest Tiffany, I request your presence and the presence of Sir Hector's immediately at Fairburn Point. Please post haste and please bring Sir Hector. It is of the utmost importance.

Love, your father. Who the fuck's Sir Hector? He said love. Are you sure it's your dad? I don't know now. Does it look faked nope it's definitely him what happened to well if it is fake it is a fake beyond your ability to figure it out when he look you've told me lots of things about him and i'm a big rude man so i didn't really listen

what happened to him well he sort of got taken over by a dark patron. So he was gone. I guess he wasn't dead, but he wasn't in there anymore. I mean, he was in there, but he wasn't. I'm going to ask a really hard question, Owens. Are you sure that's your dad and not the dark patron? No. Just maybe. Don't get your hopes up too high, yeah?

Okay. But then you can be surprised if your expectations are low. Yeah. Yeah. Who's this Hector? We used to travel together and that was that journey that we lost dad. So he's gone off to see his, I don't know where he is actually. I'll find him.

We should go see the wares. Yeah. And now a word from our sponsor. Hey, is your Dungeons and Dragons game boring because you aren't using a wild magic table designed by Sandspan's Radio's very own Adam Carnevale with help from the rest of the D&D crew? Well, do I have the answer to your very specific problem. Your wild sorcerer will cause absolute abject chaos as their spells cause the lower half of themselves to become that of a chicken's or their target to get really into birds.

There are tons and tons of entries so you'll probably never encounter the same effect twice. It's the gift that keeps on giving you a headache. Head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop and look for our dumb wild magic table today. Less impactful, but who are my letters from? I've only got three, right? Yeah, you only got three. Can I guess?

Please. Two of them from the museum. No. One of them from the museum. No. One of them from the museum. Yes. Saying they got the stuff I sent them the first time around. Yes. It's one of them from Hank.

Yes. One of them is from Hank. He signed it from all of your brothers, though. Fucking hell. And the final one is from the cartographer society that you were a part of it's just a membership dues oh fuck that i read the one from hank hanks it's just like a um how are you going is everything okay i haven't heard from you in a while you haven't stopped by the house you know uh miranda misses you and the kids we love seeing you you're a big part of our life

and it hurts to have you away from us for so long yeah yeah yeah please we got a a picture drawn and we we were thinking we might be sending cards out for all of the kids birthdays from now on i look i understand it's not the sort of thing you like but i i just want you to know that we were thinking of you and we we'd like you to come around and visit us anytime is okay just drop by i'm always open my door is always open for you love hank pip pep Pop. And it's got a, beneath that is a, like a painting, a small, maybe like a tiny card-sized painting of Hank, his wife Miranda, and their kids. Nice.

Signed from the other lazy fucks that write me fucking letters. What? I read over your shoulder. I don't think I met Hank. Oi, don't. That's impolite. Okay. Fucking Hank.

All right, let's go see them. In town, fingers quiet in the mist, peels off from your group. He's gone to parts unknown. You told him what you knew about the ancient civilizations, right? Yeah, I did. He was very curious. Before I throw away actually the letter of the membership dues, I give him the letter of membership dues.

He says. If you ever want to join, just say, put it on Pop Mandarin's bill. All right, then maybe I will do this. That'll either work really well for you. I will become Pop Mandarin. No, no, I'm still Pop Mandarin I will become You don't want to be Pop

You don't want to be me I don't want to interrupt, please don't That won't fare well for you Fingers quite in the mist, looks at each of you in turn And then looks at Flask of Wine Flask of Wine is nodding slowly Flask, how much terrible You can be Pop Mandarin

Flask, do you want to be Pop Mandarin? Flask of wine doesn't say anything. He just looks at you. Jesus, fuck it, Tamaxi. He has things that he will not let you touch. I don't have those things anymore. If you are him, maybe you can touch them. All right, let's go.

In addition to that, Tlad the Drow peels off. Tlad the Drow is no longer interested in hanging out with you. I do not say goodbye. Lovely to meet you. Bye. Sister Sias says that she'll meet you wherever you're going. She needs to charter a ship to get back to Fort Vengeance and find out what's going on there

she's going to organize transport back there and she'll meet with you she says basically meet with you just to say goodbye i guess we'll have a proper goodbye before i leave i promise thank you the star fallen and flask of wine are going to stay with you but as you're walking to you're being sent to wakanga's palace as you're heading back there flask of wine walking with you, but as you're walking to, you're being sent to Wakanga's palace. As you're heading back there, a flask of wine walking with you asks, so how much longer are you intending on contracting my services?

Oh. I kind of forgot that that was... I mean, of course we'll pay you, but I mean, you're a friend now. I get a share of all the party wealth and right now that would be a percentage of zero so well i mean you've got some of those roots that's technically party wealth you can use this mace if you ever want to from time to time

you can have my roots i sure i No, no, you keep them. Whatever, it's roots. I don't care that much. So what were you planning to do with yourself? I don't know. I guess I'm still a guy, am I not? I know the jungles of Chult maybe now more than anyone else peddling their services in Port Nyanzaru. You also get people to and from Omo.

Yeah, I could. I could. Yeah, without too much trouble. I mean, that's if you wanted to do that. Yeah, I could. I could. Yeah, without too much trouble. I mean, that's if you wanted to do that. Yeah, you could, I don't know, stick with us if you wanted to, if it was fun. At least come to, at least stay with us here for a bit, you know? Oh, yes.

I'm sure I will need some time to decompress, as it were. Yeah. And I'll stick with you at least until if Villandra's meeting us here still. Yes, of course. Hey, Flask. Hmm? Haven't had a nice meal yet. It has been a little while.

No, I mean, it's not the end. Hmm? We can't be at the end. Oh, we haven't had a good meal. Had a good meal. Here's the trick. What? It's always a good meal with friends.

I give him a big cuddle. Big cuddle You move to cuddle flask of wine And then something slams into you Tiffany You are lifted off your feet And thrown around In big strong familiar arms Unky dick unky dick

You look around into the Smiling twinkling face Of unky dick Biggest cuddle in my life. Tiffany, my word. Are you getting smaller, he says? You're getting bigger. I could still bounce you off my knee if I needed to.

You can. You can. How's my favorite niece doing? So much better now. How are you? How are you here? How am I here? I was brought back to life, of course.

I give him another giant hug. How are you doing? How are you? Where's Lady Ware? Lady Ware? She's back in the house. He jerks his hand. We, well, I came back a few days ago when you know you presumably fixed

up that soulmonger real good yeah well it's effects that it was gone it became very quickly apparent very quickly and so the old ball and chain brought me back we've had our conjugal visit as it were and now i'm a free man again. Fuck. Did he? I've been born back to life. I've fucked my wife and now I'm free to roam the world again. Tell you what, feels really good. More way than one. Ah, but you shouldn't know about that.

You're too young, he says. He puts you down. You go run off. I don't know. I think they're making dinner or something. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I show him the letter from Dad. Hmm.

Interesting. It's weird, right? It's not normal. No. Who's this, by the way? He gestures to Pop. This is Pop. Pop's my friend.

How are you going there? He leans out with his hand. Pop Mandarin. He gives you a firm handshake. I give him one back. I don't trust this man. He's come back from the dead. going there he leans out with his hand poor mandarin he gives you a firm handshake i give him one back i don't trust this man he's come back from the dead that he has so have i richard ware is an incredibly broad-shouldered man he is quite obviously an adventurer or a knight who is way past his prime he's got like salt and pepper hair uh and you can see that his eyes are going a little

bit like he needs to squint a little bit to look at you he might be in his 60s or 70s but you can tell that he is still an incredibly vital man like he he's got a big fucking belly like any clothes that he wears strains underneath his belly you have not seen buttons work this hard in your entire life. But you can tell from the handshake and from the way that his arms move that that fat is just a layer over an incredible network of muscles. Uncle Dick, Unky Dick, as he is sometimes referred to, is incredibly strong still. Nice to meet you.

I'm a friend of Tiffany's. Of course you are. Please come in, come in, come in. The food here, look, not that big a fan. I prefer a butter chicken myself. But... Is Unky Dick just every white uncle in the world? You project your own idea of a good uncle onto Unky Dick.

I prefer a butter chicken myself, but I'll tell you what, they make a good mead round here. I'm a fan of this mead. I can see. Oh, this is Flask of Wine? Of course, the infamous Flask of Wine. Unky Dick says it as a joke, but Flask of Wine ah of course the infamous flask of wine unky dick says it as a joke but flask of wine looks genuinely taken aback he shakes flask of wine's hand as well and it looks like flask of

wine is about to lose that fucking arm unky dick let's go flask of wine staggers back and set and whispers something to himself no one catches it and this is a friend starfallen ah of course an elf every group needs an elf he pats the starfallen in her chest like like a backhanded it's obviously he intends the pat to be gentle but you see the starfallen take a couple steps back as just sip as it looks like it looks like it for her it felt like a horse slammed into her chest. It's all family, a lot of this. Well, the good parts are. Well, we're not actually a blood relative.

We're just close family, he says. Anyway, someone want to piggyback ride inside? Yes. I jump on. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I was talking to the shell boy. Oh. Are you? He laughs. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Hop on. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I was talking to the shell boy. Are you?

He laughs. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Hop on. That was funny because that was a joke, but it hurt me a lot, and then it upset you a fair bit too. Shell boy. It's because you've got a shell. Shell. Lady and Lord Ware eat at the head of the table with Wakonga in the middle.

I give Lady Ware a big hug if it's not obvious. She returns it, though she's, like, stiff. She's always been a bit, well, when she wasn't distraught, you knew her back when she was just, when she wasn't grieving, essentially. And you knew that she was always kind of, like, a stiff, upper uncle ware has always been like that gruff adventurous sort and she's kind of always been the opposite it's a wonder how they stay together but they make it work somehow beautiful all the fucking oh yeah oh my god it is just the fucking keeping them together. They get mad, they have makeup sex, and they decide not to break up. Powerful.

It's a vicious but delightful cycle of pleasure of the body. Jesus. So, yeah, it's Wakanga, Lord and Lady Ware, you two, flask of wine, the star fallen, and then eventually you are rejoined by Sister Saya. She comes and finds you. You all have a lovely dinner together. I don't mean to be impolite, but my service has rendered, you know, expenses. Lady Ware kind of like stops eating her food And gives you a look

Like it's impolite to have this conversation right now At dinner, Pop At dinner Unky Dick laughs heartily and says Of course, I've never met an adventurer that didn't want to be paid And you will be paid How much was he promised? Lady Ware gives Uncle Dick a look

Like now is not the time to have this conversation How much was he promised? Lady Ware gives Uncle Dick a look like, now is not the time to have this conversation. Uncle Dick ignores her and turns around and says, look, I don't know how much money we have on the island here, but certainly our wealth is over the sea. Tell you what, he like starts rooting around in his pockets. He brings out a coin purse that is filled to the bursting, and he plunks it in front of you.

Let's say that's the starter. Whatever you still will make up for when we get back home. All right, then. Thank you. I have the bag of gold. I grab a cup. I have 1,000 gold coins. No, Adam.

I have the bag of gold. I get a gold cup. I pour 500 gold coins in the cup and Adam. I have the bag of gold. I get a gold cup. I pour 500 gold coins in the cup and hand the cup to Flask of Wine. Flask of Wine takes the cup and drinks from it. No, he takes the cup, sets it down in front of himself, and doesn't know what to do with a cup of gold coins. It's your half. No, I understand.

I just wish I had pockets to put it in. Same. Oh, I understand. I just wish I had pockets to put it in. Same. Oh, um, Uncle Dick, is there any spare leather around? We got robbed. I'm sure we can find some tomorrow. Okay. That's all tomorrow's problem. Tonight, we eat,

we drink, we be merry, and then, I don't know, we'll smash some heads tomorrow. Sounds good. We've still got people to kill, right? I've always got people to kill. All right, then. So tell me about this. What happened?

Come on, come on, dish the deets. I die. Fucking Fairburn Point. What happens? Well, we. I wasn't there for that part. No, well, we had to go and. What's this I'm hearing about your dad being dead?

Well, he, I guess he didn't really die as such. He, he got, he got taken over by a dark patron. I don't know what kind of classic sort of stuff dearly made or whatever, but all of a sudden he wasn't dad anymore. And, um, there was something else in him and I, I wanted to get him back, but it can make, I was hoping he was still in there somewhere. So we just had to, you know know make some money so that we could you know get to finding him and we found

out about the soulmonger and you know well if my dad's soul's trapped in there then there's no way i'm getting him back and i didn't know if it was still in his body or it had been you know shot out somewhere so um i mean we think it leans over to you pop and says this is classic stuff par for the course i remember way back in the day her father you won't believe this we were fighting illithids you know what they are the squid face things yeah yeah yeah we were fighting one of them and they had we had an old friend of ours an old war buddy thudu they were making her dance like a damn marionette i remember this exactly like it happened yesterday i know this sort of stuff don't worry about it

yeah well i mean after we got rid of the soulmonger then i got the letter from my dad slow down there earl grey you um he calls you that because little t you don't just jump from your dad getting possessed to the soulmonger there's a lot of stuff in between so my old ball and chain here lady wear tuts and being referred to as the ball and chain at the dinner table the old ball and chain at the dinner table. The old ball and chain here contracts you and this boy here. You're an adventurer, mercenary sort? I'm an archaeologist with the cartography and museums. Yes, aren't we all archaeologists? He taps

the table. And may no one ever check our credentials. No, no, I'm actually an archaeologist. Sure, he gives you a big wink. No, I'm actually, it's what I am. No, he really is is flask of wine shakes his head no you gave your credentials away i well that's not what i did i've um and i gave my credentials away anytime i get challenged as well he pats a big broad sword that is part of his kit

this is what i like to call my credentials i I mean, look, I respect that. These are my credentials. I show them my fists. Ah, yes. I knew a lot like your type in the past. The sort of martial arts sort of stuff, yeah? Back flips, front flips. No. Wearing a robe with a staff.

That's why you don't wear armor, right? No, I don't wear armor because I'm a turtle. I've got armor. Ah, that's no excuse. No, I literally have armor. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Punch me as hard as you can in the back. I don't know if you want that, he says.

Fucking do it. All right. He stands up. He is too ready to just hit you. All right, you turn around and show him your back. Yep. Brace myself. He gives you a solid thwock in the back.

You take three involuntary steps forward. You take six points of damage. Not bad. No stress? No stress. Look, I'll tell you what. It's hard, but it's not. Look, you'd always have another layer of metal, my friend.

Yeah, but I don't finally need it. Lady Ware tuts and says, no fighting at the table. Sorry, ma'am. That's very impolite of me. I'll sit back down. Unky Dick looks like he wants to keep fighting, but then he sits back down as well. So anyway, you get contracted. You come out here to Port Nyanzaru.

What's the plan? Where do you go? You speak to Wakanga over here wakanga opens his mouth to start talking but then uncle where cuts him off he uh he sends you out on some goose chase for uh shield boy or something big metal man yep well yeah we were gonna go get the shield guardian. Uh-huh. Well, we did find the shield guardian. Found some guides along the way, I assume, like this one here. He leans over to smack Flask of Wine on the back, and Flask of Wine like quickly moves his chair away

so that Unky Dick can't reach him. We hired quite a few guides. Flask of Wine's the only one who managed to survive with us. These things happen, he says. And we're really glad Flask of Wine's still here. But yeah, we went with guides through the forest. It was very big. The entirety of Chult. It felt like we went through the entirety of Chult. How big a party were you? It was you two, this flask of wine fella.

How long have the rest of them been here? Well, Starfall and we only met in the dungeon. Oh, yeah. The Tomb of the Nine Gods. We'll get to that in a sec. Tomb of the Nine Gods. That sounds exciting. He says.

Yeah, it's a fucking thrill ride. Felt like I lived an entire lifetime in there. Lifetime of fighting. You're just like your dad in some ways, going after the adventure like that. So go on. Oh, so we did that. We got Vaughn and we- The shield guardian.

The shield guardian. We learned a bit about, went to a wise woman in Oralunga and ate a snake. Classic wise woman sort of stuff. Yeah. Eating snakes, bugs, all sorts of things. Sorry? Alive. They're alive.

Yeah, classic. Oh, par for the call. And then we defended Camp Vengeance from attack from the undead. A siege. By the undead. A siege! By the undead? Yes. So we met Sister Sias. I go away for a measly

few months and all the exciting stuff happens while I'm gone. Well, that was to get you back. Well, yeah, look, hey. Isn't that the way, you know? Oh, I think it's great. And then we did that and we came here and we got a boat. We went down to Oumu and we did some other shit and we've come back.

All right, all right, all right. So tell me about this dungeon. Would you go through? Whose dungeon is it? Is it a boss at the end? It was Azarak's tomb. Azarak, Azarak, Azarak. Don't know that name. What is he? Is he a

dragon? Lich. Lich? I fought a lich before. Kill him. Nah. Nah. Lich is airy-fairy sort of bullshit. We had a mage with us. The mage ended up killing the lich because there was a phylactery or whatever. We did kick

a lot of phylacteries into some lava, so some of them got destroyed. We don't know which liches have died, but... I made the lich bleed. Impressive. Yeah. I made a lich cry. How? Well, I don't think I'm allowed to say. He says,

looks at Lady Ware, she shakes her head. Like, it's not polite conversation. I put some things where they shouldn't be later i wink he winks back so yeah and then we uh for him stop the storm on go came back out and our reward for getting back as we got rob blind by a bunch of fucking red wizards yeah wizards just colored red? No, they're like an army or a cult. Very like a cult. What sort of cult?

Elemental cult? Death cult? Undead cult? Certainly made a lot of undead. They're pricks. In my experience, there are four types of cults. Elemental cults, they're all about lightning this or earth that or water bullshit, whatever. You got that sort of cult.

You got the sort of cult that is about death. These sorts of cults, like a cannibal cult that falls under your death cult, just obsessed with death. Then you got your undeath cult. They're obsessed with zombies and whatnot, skeletons and ooga booga spooky shit. And then you got your like divine cult, almost. So like a god, you know? That's kobolds. Kobolds are all that sort of cult. Well, you know, with some exceptions. You get all sorts.

Lots of type of kobolds. I've smashed them all. Can't even tell you how many kobolds I've killed in my career. I want to say hundreds. Maybe thousands. A lot of kobolds. I have definitely put more kobolds in hell than any town god. And I don't mean individual. I have definitely put more kobolds in hell than any town guard.

And I don't mean individual. I mean, like, collectively, the gods for a town combined. Maybe even more than some countries. Yeah. I nod. Broke her skulls. Smashed her ribs in. Snapped their necks.

Lady Ware yells, enough! Shut up! He says, okay, okay. Zipping my lips. Undead. You got anything to drink around here? He turns around to Wakanga. I'm going to go to bed.

Bed? Yes. He thumbs at Pop. All right. Thank you for your hospitality, lady in law. It was a delicious meal. All right. You excuse yourself to bed?

Mm-hmm. How long are you going to stay up, Tiffany? I want to stay up for a couple more hours just talking to Unky Dick. You and Unky Dick have just long chats. Not long after Pop, the Starfallen goes to bed. Then flask of wine then lady where and then wakanga and then it's just you and unky dick and you wheedle away into the early hours of the morning and at about like 3 a.m unky dick is loudly and drunkenly yelling about sometime. Maybe he's explaining to you how he made that lich cry.

Yes. He's midway through how deep that lich's arms went up its own butthole. When you hear a crashing downstairs, like a smashing and a tinkling of glass, Unkydix stops. What was that? You look away in the direction of the noise,

look back, Unky Dick's sword is in his hands, and he says, Adventure. Is Unky Dick right, or does something far worse than adventure lurk downstairs? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued

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