D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult III #26 Wishful Dilemmas

Episode Date: April 3, 2021

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most family-friendly podcast network. Did you know they make toy smartphones for babies now? What is that? My little dick pic? I don't know. Hey guys, it's Cameron James from the Total Reboot podcast. Just letting you know that I'm doing an hour comedy show at the Sydney Comedy Festival, April 29 to May 1 at the absolutely marvellous Enmore Theatre. It's in a smaller room, but that's not important. Book at sydneycomedyfest.com.au.

There is limited seating, so please book early, baby. Welcome to Season 3, Episode 26 of Zombie Plagued Chult. Previously. episode 26 of zombie plagued chult previously pop you are awoken when you slap yourself with berries in the face one the actual i like you're doing pranks now i i like with my eyes gesture to the dragon but have a cheeky expression hopefully conveying that this is a fun thing there's nothing there pop maybe you I, like, with my eyes, gesture to the dragon, but have a cheeky expression, hopefully conveying that this is a fun thing. There's nothing there, Pop.

Maybe you only need to wait a couple of days before the brazen pegasus pulls in and you see old friends again. Grig. I go and give Grig the biggest hug. Pop, you can tell that this is the after effects of one of the abilities in the Ring of Winter. It looks like it happened a long time ago. Your presence is requested.

I have been informed that you are basically right away. By who? By Lady Ware and Lord Ware. Lord Ware. Yes. And I forget how many I have left, but one of them should be from one of those people who sent their condolences, apologizing

for sending their condolences, apologizing for sending their condolences and saying that they know that your dad isn't dead. And then one is from your dad. Unky Dick, Unky Dick! You look around into the smiling, twinkling face of Unky Dick. Oh, biggest cuddle of my life. He's midway through how deep that lich's arms went up its own butthole. When you hear a crashing downstairs, like a smashing and a tinkling of glass.

I look around. I just pick up a knife off the table. I don't have any weapons. You do magic, can you? Yeah. Yeah, just like your dad. Yeah. We'll go downstairs.

You head downstairs. As you go downstairs, Unky Dick collects a lit torch from a brazier and hefts it aloft. When you come downstairs, there's like an entryway. You see that the door to the entryway is busted open and there's a broken window next to it. There are wet, soggy footprints leading into the kitchen. I give Unky Dick a knowing look

and we tiptoe towards the footsteps. You get up to the kitchen door. Unky Dick says, you got a plan? Kill them. Good plan. Unky Dick kicks the door in and moves through screaming. He needs to force his way through the doorway because it is so small that his belly hits either side of it.

He's such a big man. Oh, beautiful. He also ducks slightly. So it kind of cramps his charge a little bit. As he screams charging in, a wave of physical force slams into him and throws him back out into the hallway. Everyone in the house wakes up. to him and throws him back out into the hallway everyone in the house wakes up tiffany you look through the broken doorway to see bandaging one of her arms with the illusion of her face completely gone velindra shadow mantle she is bleeding heavily black ooze from a dozen different wounds on her and she looks pretty in a pretty bad sort lindra what happened

she spits it would appear that our deception was discovered yeah yeah they robbed us pretty bad lights start turning on throughout the house and everyone is eventually in the kitchen it's fine tiffany you are gonna need to make a persuasion check to get Unky Dick to back down. He knows what a lich is, and he does not have the same morality as you two. If he sees a lich, he kills a lich. Am I there yet? I'm going to give it one round of Tiffany needing to talk him down. Tiffany, you convince him that he can kill the lich later.

She's a friend later. And I wink again. Pop, you arrive on scene as well? Well, well, well, well, well. Wakanga is right behind you with a silver dagger. Put it away, chief. He doesn't put it away, but he does lower it. You only hurt yourself.

Wakanga's guards also arrive. He has like four or five paid mercenaries, highly trained warriors. Why did you break in? She looks at you and spits at you. I did not exactly have the luxury of knocking and waiting. Are they outside? No, I think I have given them the slip. But it is only a matter of time before Red Wizard assassins find their way here again.

The only thing keeping them from being here right now is that the Zhentarim and the Red Wizards do not like each other. You remember that the Zhentarim are partially contracted out as city guard here. What the fuck happened to you then? I reported directly to my superior, Zulkir Zastam, the lich in charge of the Red Wizards. Ah, and let me guess, you hadn't realized at that point that Zagmir had taken over the mind of your captain. No. I did not know the person we spoke with. I thought there was someone else.

Apparently that was Zagmir's other child. Oh. Yeah, she's mother of the fucking year, isn't she? I escaped captivity, but barely. It is impressive that I am here at all. You still got it? What? Don't be fucking coy.

Genuinely, what? No, the... Did they get it off What? Don't be fucking coy. Genuinely what? No, the... Did they get it off you? Hey! You know, the soulmonger! Did they fucking take it out of your fucking hands if you still got hold of it, you know? Oh.

How could she have forgotten? She dumps a magic bag in front of you. No, it is still in my possession. But barely. What do you need? It would be clever if we were to cut the head off here in Chult. From then on,

well, look, I don't know if you were ultimately going to contract my services out for your father as well, but I think one way or another I think I will be returning to your country, either with or without you. Funny.

But this is giving Pop so much joy. Your services might not actually be required in the matter of a dad. Oh, you have found someone else intelligent in magic? No. You want to tell our horns? Well, you sent me a letter. I think you might be alive.

Uh-huh. Huh. Huh. All right, then. Yeah. I guess that answers that question. You didn't get your hopes up, did you? No.

No. No. No. You don't need to No. No. No. No. You don't need to lie. Yes. It's all right. Well, come with us. The creature that has taken over your father has access to all of his mind,

his memories and thoughts. What was the letter he sent? Did it ask you to come? Just you and the only other knight who knows about what's happening? I start to cry. Maybe he even specified that you should not come armed. Maybe wash your ears so that the tentacles can get in at the nice juicy brain within. He didn't go that far.

Is Tiffany crying at this? Yes. Yes. Hey, dick. If she doesn't shut up give you permission to lop her fucking head off if you think even in my weak weakened state i could not handle an old man and his children please stop she's she's not uncle dick at that swings at her stop velindra well let's go to oh fuck well let's go to initiative. Ah, man, which is a threat. Oh, my God.

She made you cry. Unky Dick is not threatening. Unky Dick is absolutely stating. Unky Dick swings at Valindra with his giant broadsword. Valindra deflects the blow and strikes him in the chest. A wave of magical energy throws him back out of the room. Please don't do that again. I would listen to your little child, idiot.

Why are you being mean? Valindra looks at you. There is no compassion or any feeling that was not anger that you have seen in her has washed away from her. She is at her wits end right now and she is not having any of it. Any feeling that was not anger that you have seen in her has washed away from her. She is at her wits end right now and she is not having any of it. She snaps at you. Stop being a foolish little child. Don't come with us then.

Fine. Give me the bag. She grabs the bag and hoists it over her shoulder. Take it from me. I'll fucking try. You can try. I might win too. Wakanga puts a hand on your shoulder, Pop, and says,

Sometimes, eh, the better part of valor is caution. Eh? Can everyone stop? Belinda, I was trying to ask how we can help you. I need only passage to Kandor, to your home. If you do not want to work with me, that is fine. I will find my own passage there. I do. If you want to work with me, then I will work with you.

But this loudmouth should find another ship, she says. She's referring to Anki Dick. Oh, not me. No. He's not coming. He's too old. Unky Dick, staggering back to his feet, says, Like hell I'm not.

Wait, you are coming? Of course I am. When the smell of adventure comes by these nostrils, I am lifted aloft and dragged forward. What will Lady Ware think? Lady Ware crosses her arms and tuts. She says she doesn't want me to go, but she wants me out of the house. You only just got back.

Yeah. I don't want to take you away from her again. Look at me. He puts his arms up and make this statement what you will. Look at me. I'm immortal. And make this statement what you will. Look at me.

I'm immortal. I turn back to Valindra. Please, can we work together? Valindra wipes at the blood on the black bile. It doesn't really count as blood. Drooling out of her mouth and says, I will work with him him but not for him. Of course.

I understand. I understand. I just give like furious little nods. She's like wounded as fuck. Yeah. I go over and do a level three cure wounds on her. No, she doesn't allow that. Bad luck. I do it anyway.

You heal her. What level is it? Level three. Level three. 18 hit points. It's not a lot. I'd do it anyway. You heal her. What level is it? Level three. Level three. 18 hit points. It's not a lot. I know that. She vomits up more black bile.

Doesn't feel good, does it? Anyway, we're even. She doesn't even respond to that. From where I see it, we have two options. We can attempt to go to the heart of Ubtal and cut off the snake, or we can just cut our losses and run. It's up to you, Horns.

I'm sure, Dad, we've done what you set out to do. We need to get some more gear before we head off. And it's Star Fallen, so I actually pointed out it's just things. Starfallen steps forward. I would like to

reiterate my previous statement that it is just stuff. I don't think it's worth this fight. And if you try to go to the heart of Ubtal, I don't think I'm going to come with. Flask of Wine steps forward and says, I would like to get my things back.

If nothing else, the gift that I was given. The little stone, the lucky one that Tiffany gave me. I would like it back. Do you think there's someone else out there who could? Sister Stias steps forward. I think if you go, I'll come with. You've got me behind you. You really want that sword, don't you, Pop? I mean, it's just things, but that's not just a sword.

I don't really think my dad's waiting for me. So he can wait longer. Let's go to the heart of Ubtown. Very well. I can get us directly into the captain's quarters, as it were. There is a teleportation circle there. I know the keyed code for it. So long as they have not changed it, we can teleport directly into their base. Son of a bitch, I mean.

I will take some time to recover, and then we will travel there. Of course. Is there anything we can do to help you now? It looks like your uncle needs more help than I do. You turn around and Unky Dick is taking his clothes off. Oh, what? Unky Dick has like, his shirt is already off. He's going at his pants right now.

He looks at Wakanga and says says do you have anyone that can help me put on plate mail we should let's go back to sleep well we haven't even slept no go to bed go to bed go to bed are you kidding me how on earth can i sleep under a big blanket with your wife oh gray yeah Take a sniff. We can't leave for a while anyway. Valindra needs to heal. Look, I don't know if you know this. When you get to a man my age,

takes his time getting into armor nowadays. Well, I'm going to go to bed. That's good. You get going, Earl Grey. I'll see you tomorrow. You too. What's your name You get going, Earl Grey. I'll see you tomorrow. You too. What's your name again? Pop? Pop, yes. Pop Mandarin.

Ah, Fruitman. Not entirely a Fruitman. Everyone in the group needs a nickname. Earl Grey, Fruitman, Whiskers. He points to the star fallen. I just want to know. It's a joke name. Sorry?

You just got that? Yes. I don't like the nickname. You don't like the nickname? You get to give him one. That means it's even better. Fucking hell. I already have a nickname.

Yeah. Is it Big Mouth? Unky Dick. You're not my uncle. That's okay. I'll let you call me it anyway Adam, the delight that I see on your face when you get to be Unky Dick is It's just It's a pure joy

He's got big dad energy I want to apologise so much for how much time I feel like we wasted in the dungeon Not getting back to Unky Dick energy i want to apologize so much for how much time i feel like we wasted in the dungeon not getting back to unky dick everyone disperses and goes to either rest up or get ready after a rest you all convene in wakanga's living room i guess essentially and wakanga gestures to a crate filled with, neatly filled with stacks of weapons and armor. Do you mind if we borrow some of this? I'm assuming that's what... I brought it out, huh?

So that you can. Thank you so much. What about hats? Remember this is borrow, yeah? Of course, of course. Bring it back. Of course. What about hats?

I did not think to bring no hats, eh? You're someone who makes a hat. Make a hat. That might take a take a while yeah buy a hat wakanga sends uh like a servant out to go fetch you a hat any specifications yeah you know the one i wore when i got here sort of it's a straw hat that would be nice velindra stepping forward says we do not have time for you to get a hat. Every second we spend here is another second that Tam could alert Zagmira to our plans and a moment that Zagmira could change the sigils

for the teleportation circle. All right, I've got to pick weapons. By the time I pick weapons, I could have a hat. We can just pick it up on the way out, Pop. Sure. We have to return the weapons anyway. We'll pick the hat up on the way out. Please don't rush.

What weapons are there, Adam? They have mostly basic weapons. Can I two-hand again? Because I get extra attacks when I two-hand. As dual wield, sorry. Yes. I have the mace. The mace is not really designed for dual wielding.

All right, I'll throw the mace away Would you like two hammers? How much for the hammers? Oh my god Let us discuss that when you have money to spend I've got money to spend That's right you do eh I don't know let's say

Two gold each Done Alright you pay him four gold and you're good to go Valindra says are we all ready i'm ready unky dick has been poured into a set of armor brilliant where's the star fallen star fallen isn't coming with aren't we gonna say goodbye if you say that star fallen says i'll say goodbye when you get back okay i give her a big hug. All right. She hugs back. Yes. My hat, mate.

Do I get a hat? You don't get a hat. Not in time. Fuck. Are you ready? Yes. Ready, horns. Ready as I'll ever be.

Valindra begins intoning and chanting the magical spell. Everyone links hands. Nice. All at once, you all feel like a hook being dragged around your navel you feel like you're dragged forwards you feel light you feel heavy then light again and during that entire time you feel yourself swimming through a white void then with a unceremonious thump all of you land in a teleportation circle there's not a lot of room here, so everyone starts bumping into each other. Oh, fuck. This cave is musty and dimly lit

by daylight filtering down through the hollow petrified tree trunk 20 feet above. There is a pool of dirty rainwater occupying the center 20 feet of floor between natural pillars formed by the roots of the petrified tree three tall bookcases stand against the wall to the right of the cave entrance a desk and several wooden crates stand against the left hand wall and opposite the entrance are two open doorways into smaller chambers and between them a large iron cage you

would actually be looking in through one of those smaller chambers in the main room you see the current karach or zag mirror whichever name you'd prefer to use along with four zombies powerful looking whites of some sort and six mercenaries of various stripes. Some of them Thane warriors, some of them just mercs. Can we see our stuff? Yeah, you can see your stuff. Combat begins. Great.

Zagmira begins chanting in an arcane evil language, and as she does that, you hear Valindra say, fuck. Oh no. That's bad. But quick question, Adam. It's been a week since we left Oumu to get to Port Nines, right? It's been way longer than a week. Excellent. I can use my spell power again. No, you can't.

Yes, you can. The spellmonger is destroyed. The wise woman at Oralunga, the mission she gave you is completed. You no longer have that power. You didn't tell me that. I'm telling you it now. Well, fuck you.

A creature springs into life, seemingly out of the shadows themselves. It is a creature wrapped and swaddled with shadow and that looks to be made out of the shadows. It looks rough. It looks no good. You're pretty sure it means you're no good. You know, it doesn't seem like a friend, certainly. No, no, no. And I can't use diplomacy?

No, probably not. The shadow creature moves through you guys, and you can tell that it moves through shadows as if the shadow were water. So it, like, hops in and out in and out in and out it appears behind tiffany and attacks hey it reaches out and tries to wrap its claws around you but you reflexively leap backwards then it melds back into shadow and uh you can still detect its like wavering outline in the shadows but it's shocking how quickly it was able to do that then it's flask's turn flask is going to use his hunter's mark on zag mirror and then he fires

his bow the one that he is borrowing from wakanga well natty 20 oh good on your flowers find an opening maximum damage and you have advantage on your next attack. Well, he was going to hit anyway. So two arrows find their mark in Zagmira's chest. He does 35 points of damage. Zagmira casts Tiffany. You identify Cloud Kill, one of the most dangerous and scary spells in the game.

You create a 20 foot radius sphere of poisonous yellow green fog centered on a point you choose within the range the fog spreads around corners it lasts for the duration or until strong wind disperses the fog ending the spell when a creature enters the spells area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there that creature must make a constitution saving throw or take 5d8 poison damage. This room is very small. Yes, you are all bathed in the poison. You can see now

that the zombies have been arrayed so that you cannot get out of the poison. Great. Can we get to Zagmira? No, you can't get to Zagmira. She's behind the wall of zombies. Coward. Uncidic passes his constitution saving throw. So he only takes half damage, 18 points of poison damage.

And then bellowing in a rage, he charges down one of the zombies. As he does so, you see foam frothing at his mouth. And when he swings his sword, it bursts into flames. Holy shit. He's got a big powerful magic sword unky dick is a veteran adventurer he'd been around his first attack hits his second attack hits his third attack hits his fourth attack hits wow he's powerful charging down the first zombie he swings once and cuts its head off He swings a second time and cuts its upper torso off. He swings a third time and cuts its legs in half.

And then he swings a fourth time and cuts every half he made down the middle. God, he's an artist. He's beautiful. Eight even cuts of zombie hit the floor. Then he walks past. Two of the mercs bear down on Unky Dick. They seem scared. They should be.

One of them swings twice and misses both times. The second one, the first swing he gets, it's with this giant club. Unky Dick catches the club and slams it into his face. That guard dies. Holy shit. Unky Dick is so strong. Then it is Tiffany. Tiffany, you need to make a constitution saving throw.

Yes, I do. You pass. Half damage. Oh. Suppose I'm still in the poison, aren't I? 14 points of damage, Tiffany. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. And then what would you like to do? Is there a way I can attack a zombie whilst fighting with a friend? Yeah. Unky Dick is slobbering his way past them. Cool. You could attack, yeah? Yep. Green flame blade. fighting with a friend. Yeah, Unky Dick is slobbering his way past them. You could attack, yeah? Yep, green flame blade, attack with a friend, be sneaky.

You strike the zombie. Does Unky Dick look proud of me? Unky Dick looks back and gives you a wiry smile. Atta girl, he says. Or screams more. Atta girl! Yeah! Pop is confused.

Is he jealous? And now, a word from our sponsor. I love this show. The one you're listening to now. It's super neato. But what about this podcast, Shut Up A Second? Sands Pants Radio's longest running podcast where we pick a topic and just bullshit about it for 30

odd minutes. If you've ever wanted just pure uncut bullshit injected directly into your veins, then damn, this is the show for you. So search for Shut Up A Second wherever you find your podcasts. Tiffany, you launch forwards and the white tries to swing at you with its longsword, but as it swings, Unky Dick grabs its hand and yanks it backwards you hear cracking and you can tell that unky dick has broken this zombie's arm in five different places using that leverage he puts the arm behind its back and you stab it in the chest unky dick gives you like a like a proud nod screams that thing and then you drag the rapier up and down destroying as much flesh as possible as you drag your rapier back out that was your turn tiffany it's valindra's turn

valindra wraps her fingers around in an arcane and closed fist gesture towards zag mirror zag mirror's eyes pop out of her head tiffany you recognize the spell power word kill azurak cast it when you were fighting him it just kills people no saving throw no nothing you just die velindra with the clutch fist whispers in draconic die and zag mira falls backwards dead imagine her thinking she was gonna win this fucking fight that was the lindra's turn then it's sister sias's turn sister sias holds her holy symbol aloft and yells be gone backfile creatures and she channels divinity she uses her destroy undead ability god i love our friends our friends are good hey how good's friendship hey okay you can't talk i think friendship is great four of the zombies crumble into dust there is one zombie left one zombie five guards hey it's one of those mercenaries that mercenary adam yes? Yes. I don't know what I'm doing on my turn.

That was Sister Sias' turn. Pop, it's yours. Can I get past that one zombie? Yes. Can I get, do I spot the mercenary? Yep. Does he spot me? Yep.

He grits his teeth, holds his weapon and his shield, and he prepares for a warrior's death. I swing both my hammers around like Thorstar, and I'm hello mate you ready to count your stomachs i smash the ever-loving shit out of him using his air for strike adam hammer side of the head whack then with the second hammer you hammer into the first hammer driving your hammer deeper in then your third attack you drive the hammer even deeper in and then with your final hammer you hit your first hammer so deep into his helmet that you're pretty sure you have cracked through the helmet into his skull into his brain certainly when you pull when you gotta like work the hammer back out when that happens you see a crinkled mass

inside the hole in his helmet that you realize is his brain squished up against the other side of his skull yes he takes two staggering steps and with blood and drool coming out of the faceplate of his helmet he still stands how fucked is he though he's pretty fucked then it is the zombies turn the one zombie it attacks tiffany let's say oh wow yeah it fucked up its first attack footsie your wild swing causes your weapon to strike you in the foot dealing maximum damage if the weapon you're wielding deals bludgeoning damage your spilled speed is also reduced by 10 feet does not he's using a sword so he does not reduce his speed however he deals himself 12 damage and then his second attack he tries to reach out with you reach out to you with his hand

but his hand like you just duck under that blow it's very poorly placed it's dumb so embarrassing all right if your boss was still alive to see you fuck up so bad flask of wine changes his hunter's mark to one of the guards let's say no to the zombie and he starts firing at the zombie. He hits twice. That was Flosk of Wine's turn. Then it is Unky Dick's turn. Unky Dick wheels around on the guards. They start backing up in panic.

Unky Dick drives his greatsword into the first guard, lifts him up, and slams him onto a second guard. Both of them lie in a heap. You just see blood pooling out of the gaps in their armor. That's two guards down. Pop has never wanted an uncle more in his life. Unky Dick starts laughing. You idiots!

You idiots! Then it is the guard's turn. That guard that you're tussling with, with pop your dear old friend tries to fight back with his first attack he swings and deals you six points of damage pop as he strikes you in the arm causing bad bruising and uh like a single trickle of blood his second attack though he's like staggering backwards and forwards quite clearly unable to stand on his own two feet his second attack misses you completely he quite obviously was aiming for like a holographic pop that was standing a few inches to the right oh buddy then the other two guards try to attack Unky Dick. Critical hit.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Two critical hits on Unky Dick. Yeah, but he's powerful. Well, Unky Dick is immune to critical hits. So neither of them are actually critical hits. Hang on, hang on. Unky Dick is immune to critical hits?

Yeah, you can't critical hit Unky Dick. That is incredible. What a power. I missed my family. One of them moves in with a mace and starts walloping Unky Dick on the back. As the other one swings his mace, Unky Dick throws his sword into the air, grabs the guy's mace, grabs the guy's helmet, lifts both of them up, slams them onto the ground, and then the great sword falls into the man's chest.

God, he's cool. Two guards left. I feel like I couldn't appreciate his violence until I committed my own, you know? Tiffany, there's one zombie and two guards left. I'll fight a guard if it means I can be close to Unky Dick. The guard wheels around to defend against you, and Unky Dick grabs the man's shield and slams it into his face, staggering him and allowing you to strike

you stab him in the chest he doubles over in pain and you can see blood drooling out as he doubles over you drag the rapier out grab him underneath the helmet and drag him drag his head forwards onto your rapier point again you You spear him down the spine. That guard dies. Fuck yes! Does Unky Dick look proud? Unky Dick moves on, but as he moves on, he quickly pats you on the shoulder. Yes!

The violence is so satisfying after all the shit we've had to put up with. Oh my god. That was Tiffany. It's Valindra's turn. Valindra looks around, and she does nothing you guys have this you don't need her then it is sister sias's turn sister sias calls for a holy light to smite this last zombie and wouldn't you know it holy light smites that last zombie. Oh, well, there you go.

In a flash of light so bright that the zombie is consumed and made like a sun for a second, the zombie is gone by the time the light slowly fades. That was Sister Sias' turn. Pop. I'm with my mate. Yeah. He looks no good. I'm with my mate. Yeah. He looks no good.

I've got my hammers. You know what I want to do? It's all right. You should have fucking run when I told you so. And then I hit him as hard as I can on the stomach. After you say that, as you're moving in for the swing, he says, such is life. You slam him in the chest. he doubles over and hits the ground and then you bring the hammer down once twice onto the back of his head his head cracks

forwards and crumples into his chest he falls down dead oh you're right yeah velindra says we should be very quick you can hear noise coming from not that far away the army the host nearby will be aware that something is up let's get everything and go you collect all of your equipment and scarper just kiss the sword again do we get anything extra i was about to say in, you collect a finely crafted piece of parchment with gold lettering, wrapped tightly and held closed with a golden ribbon. Tiffany, you identify it as a spell scroll, a scroll of wish. Is wish good? Wish is the most powerful spell in the entire of Dungeons and Dragons.

Oh, shit. What up? Guess what wish spell does. Gr and Dragons. Oh, shit. What up? Guess what wish spell does. Grants you a wish? Yep. Any wish? And I know this spell, yes. Yeah, you understand.

Wish is like a famous spell. You are acquainted with its limits and its powers. And do I have it? Sister Sias picks it up. She informs the party when she has it. Like the whole party? Yeah, she announces to the whole party. Do I know what it is?

You know wish is one of the most powerful spells there is. Fucking hell. This could, Pop, this could fix us. It can fix everything wrong with you. Well, not all of us, right? I would just. Yeah, all of us. Oh.

How's it work? We could just make a wish for greater restoration and everyone would get... We need to leave. Let us have this discussion later. Of course. Sorry. Let's go. All right.

I've got a Holy Avenger back. Yep. Good. You feel light. You feel heavy. You feel light again. You're swimming through the white void. And then you appear in Port Nyanzaru.

Not in Wakanga's mansion, because he doesn't have a teleportation circle there. Probably somewhere central. Centrally located. Maybe like a law house or something. Like an important government building in Port Nyanzaru. Well, that went a little better than I suspected. That was a lot faster than I thought it would be. She's got anyone else in her.

She doesn't have any other fucking kids that you know about. It does not matter either way. We will be hopefully very gone by the time anyone is able to react to this. Wise move. We should get gone indeed. But, I mean, this spell, Pop and I have a lot we would like to get fixed, and we just haven't met anyone that's able to fix it. This could really help us.

Does anyone else have anything they need fixing? Flask of Wine's very badly burnt to a lot of his body. We could flask you, Nadette. I do not understand this, but sure. If you can fix the burnt legs. So I ask you, Nadir. I do not understand this, but sure. If you can fix the burned legs. Well, Sister Sayas, you found it. Is that something you'd be okay with?

Sister Sayas seems hesitant on that. She says this could be used for a lot of other things that could help a lot more people. But there's such a risk. There's such a risk in casting it if it's not so straightforward. I suppose. How many people have fucked it for vengeance? I don't know. I've not been back.

How fucked did you get to get got? Things were bad. Very bad, though. What would you use it for? I don't know. Maybe one of casting a powerful spell. To do what? I'm not sure yet.

Okay. Well, if I'm being honest, that's what I'd really like to do with it. Sure. However, my leg brace is pretty fucking good. Thank you. You can make a better one too, I reckon. I reckon I could. You know.

I could. And I've always looked like shit. I don't need me eye back. Well, I guess we don't have to make a decision now, you know. Well, the only injury you've got is your scar. Valindra steps forward and says, there is another option. Sister Saiya gets immediately a very dark look. Yep.

Tiffany, you know what Valindra is about to suggest. Valindra can learn this spell. Sister Sias can only use it once. Anyone else can only use it once. Anyone else in this group can only use it once. Valindra could learn the spell, and then it is in her spell book, and then she can cast it basically once a day. Belindra, if you did this, would you help us?

I will be helping you reclaim your father. Yes, but if we give the spell to you so that you can use it as many times as you can, would you be willing to help both Sister Sias and me, Pop, and Flask? I will, as always, only act in my best interest. Helping Sister Sias is not in my best interest. But I will be helping you with your father, and undoubtedly being able to cast Wish multiple times will be very useful there. Horns, we don't need it.

We don't need it, but it is good to have. No, no. As in, you and I do not need the effects of this spell. You'll be able to walk properly again. I can walk fucking fine. You make me a better brace, you'll have more time, better leather work, you know, you're pretty good at that sort of shit. And there's nothing actually wrong with you.

Hmm. We can still think about it. I've made up my mind. I don't want it. Delindra, if we give you this spell, could you cast it once for Sister Sias? I would do this in exchange, certainly. Sister Sias? Sister Sias does not like this this in exchange, certainly. Sister Sias? Sister Sias does not like this.

She doesn't say anything. She clutches the spell scroll kind of defensively. You don't trust Valindra? I don't think this power is... No. Horns, and no complete disrespect to you, Big V, Valindra is very honest in the fact that she will always act for her own interests.

Occasionally, they align with helping other people like us. If Valindra, if helping me wasn't going to benefit her in some point, Valindra, would you have saved my life at any point in the last few weeks? No. You're about to give that sort of person an incredibly powerful spell for cosmetic surgery on you. Then she's got it forever. And I mean she's got it then for when Sheila no longer wants to help us,

when her needs are no longer lined up with our own. Well, Sister Sias found it, so I don't know why you're asking me. It's up to her. I know it's up to her. Sister Sias. Feels like you're, you know, pushing on her. I'm not going to say anything anymore. It's up to Sister Sias.

Then no, she says. I'm taking it to Fort Vengeance and we can use it there. That'll help a lot of people. I think you're doing a really good thing. Good work. She looks at you, Tiffany, and she says, I think there are better things that you should be filling the holes in your life with.

And maybe getting your father back is one of them. Maybe it isn't. I'm not sure. And maybe getting your father back is one of them. Maybe it isn't. I'm not sure. But I see, I have never seen someone so surrounded by people that love them, but still feel like they're so incomplete.

I just sort of look at the floor. How do you respond to that? That's insane. what a mom it hurts now but i promise you you will persevere you are stronger than you realize braver than you know thank you it's just the truth she says you're a good person i I hope so. But I know you are. I know you are too. She hugs you. Yeah. I give her a big hug and weep.

Valindra takes a step back and says, I will book a ship home. Well, to your home. Thank you. Unky Dick shakes his head. No, we'll just use mine. Well, that works well. Cheaper too. So you're heading off?

Yes. I think this will be then goodbye. Please still write. I mean, I only just got your letters, but please still write. If the jungles of Chult can't stop my letters, what else could? Give her another big hug. She returns it. Let me know what you do with the spell.

Of course, I will. Thank you. Let me know what you do with this belt. Of course, I will. Thank you. Let me know what you do with you. I like hearing about it. Sister. Pop. She straightens up, wipes some tears away from her face, and puts her hand out for a firm handshake.

I take that very firm handshake. It's one single shake. Oh yeah. Very rudimentary. Done. Sorry, palatimentary. Give General Selhanna my best. Lieutenant, she says. Lieutenant.

It was like a joking one. She didn't really care. No, I know. Anyway. I will. Godspeed. No, I know. Anyway. I will. Godspeed. Yes, and the same to you. Maybe like one last tearful goodbye. As she hugs Flask of Wine, Flask of Wine cries a little bit.

Him crying sets off her. They cry a little bit, and then they pull apart. Both of them wipe their faces. Sister Saias leaves i go and hold flask's hand hold your hand all right before we get off this rock and head off to wherever we're going i've got to send some mail well i need to grab the might weigh us down but i need to go get the ball and chain you You know what I mean? Fucking hell, yeah. I know what you mean.

You're a great fighter, dick. Plus, after all that worked up a little bit, wouldn't mind a bit of alone time with her as well. We sort of look away and try and be polite. He just... So fucking horny. Wow. Everyone disperses. You have like a free hour in the city of Port Nyanzaru.

I'm going to write back to Farood. Cool. He usually gives return at like a different return address in every letter. It's typically some like remote outpost or tiny little like settlement somewhere. I mail to the museum society the tablets of history that I bought off Orvax. With those tablets, some very basic translations that I learned from Fingers in the Mist. I send them a holy symbol that I found in the tomb.

I send them a lacquered comb I found in the tomb, an ermine talisman I found in the tomb, a dinosaur figurine I found in the tomb. An ermine talisman I found in the tomb. A dinosaur figurine I found in the tomb. I send them all four treasures that I went to get. That's very interesting. One of those treasures is absolutely like the chalice. Yeah, the skull chalice. The skull chalice.

That is absolutely like it's a Chaltian object. You are taking it from Chalttean, sending it away, just letting you know. Yep, so I'm sending all four of those objects to a museum. Fuck yes. Belongs in a museum. So I send basically all the treasure that I accumulated except for Holy Avenger, the snake staff,

and a couple of little bits and pieces. Oh, and my cubs. I've got them back. Okay, the Camadine cubs. I've got them back. Okay. The Camadon cubs. What were their names? Their names are Pip, Pup, and Pep. If there was a fourth one, it'd be called Hank.

So after like a couple of hours, you all reconvene. The staff is there again. She says a proper goodbye to everyone, hugs you each. Can I get her address? Yes. She probably actually, she'll need to, she gets your address and she promises to send you a letter. She's not sure where life is going to take her now. I'll call you.

No, it's fine. I'll call you. The Star Fallen says her sweet goodbyes to you. And then she's off as well. See you later. Bye, Pop. Sparkles, it's lovely to know you. Goodbye, Pop, she says.

Yeah. If you'd asked me to stay, I would have. Oh. Will you stay? I think it's too late now, she says. Nah, fair. That's probably fair. Nah, look, you've got other shit to be doing.

You better, you've got to get on and, yeah, you know, we'll be busy as. If you want to send me a letter, send it to her address. I'm kidding. Of course I'll come. Really? Oh, okay. Yeah, enough.

That's good. That's great. Yes, I've given it a lot of thought and I think I'd like'll come. Really? Oh, okay. Yeah, enough. That's good. That's great. Yes, I've given it a lot of thought, and I think I'd like to come. I'd so love you to come. I've been in prison for so long, I think a tour of what I've lost is not what I want. I think a tour of what I could have is what I'd prefer. You can have us.

Yes, I think I'll come with. The more the merrier, says Unky Dick. The stuff fallen has like an immediate reprieve. She already said yes. She already said yes. Everyone heard it. Now, is Flask coming with us? Flask looks at you, gives you a wiry smile and says,

well, am I getting half of the treasure from this? You can have everything I find. No, from the one we just had. Have I been paid? Yeah, I gave you the gold. What about all the new stuff we got? It belongs in a museum flask. You kept everything, did you?

You kept anything, sorry? What about this? I give him Give me the hissy stick, he says. Alright, on one condition. Don't fucking use it anywhere near me. All right. Done.

Here's the stick. He holds up the staff of Python and the stone of good luck. One from each of you now. Flask. Wait. Yes. Here, have these. I give him the braces of archery.

I don't have a bow and arrow. All right. Now I need one more from Pop. Then it evens out. No, no, no. It's okay. You don't have to give me anything now. I'll get it from you. We'll consider this a down

payment on the next adventure. Alright then. He see stick, lock stone, braces. He see stick. So, it'll be you two, Lord and Lady Ware, Valindra Shadowmantle, Flask of Wine, and the Starfallen, setting off on one of Lord Ware's boats.

Can I ask, before we leave, can I secretly ask Lord Ware if he can... Unky Dick to you. Yes, sorry. Can I quickly ask Unky Dick if he can give me just like a small velvet pillow? How's all those? How's? Is this for Flask? I just want to try and make him a new ball of soft.

I don't think I can drum up a velvet pillow on such short notice, unfortunately. No, that's all right. That's all right. Did I get a hat? I didn't end up getting you a hat. It was lost in all the excitement. Look, we'll get you a velvet pillow. We'll get you a hat.

We've got to get back to Kandor first. All right. There'll be time. Plenty of time. I pledge to kill a bird for feathers. Ripper. You're okay. I tag along with you.

My heart sinks a little bit thinking of a world without you. Please. Please come along. Good without you. Please. Please come along. Good. Great. Good. Are we getting the turtle man? I've never fought with a turtle man before.

You have. Oh, shit. You're right. Sorry. Old age. Things just fall out, you know? This turtle man's now got this. Hey.

That's a very pretty sword. Where'd you get it from? Friend gave it to me. Yeah. So it's mine now. I broke a dragon's neck for this one. Well, things broke for this one. But, uh, yeah. It's a good sword. Anyway,

do I ever tell you about how I slew the vile dragon torkelson no wow what a story it is he puts an arm around you as you finish walking up the gangplank and as he begins launching into the tale of how he finished not only shoving the lich's arms but also its head up its own ass he says it it all started about the time that the lich's arms, but also its head up its own ass. He says, it all started about the time that the lich's head was touching his prostate. And with that, the sails of the ship unfurl, fill with wind, and with a tremendous, like, yanking force,

the three ships drag themselves out of the docks of port nyanzaru into the bay and then further on northwards and towards candor what plans does velindra have for the soulmonger is flask of wine going to get that item from Pop? Has Pop turned over a new leaf to become a kinder and warmer man? Will Tiffany ever learn to love herself as much as her friends do? Can our heroes save Sir Grace and stop the strange entity that has overcome him? And most importantly, how many times is Unky Dick going to tell that story? The answer to these questions and more, soon. But, be prepared for Curse of Strahd.

Has this ever happened to you? You're playing Dungeons & Dragons with your mates, and someone turns to you, the Dun dungeon master, and asks where drow come from. While you flip through the monster manual panicking, another player asks how the different planes interact with each other. Now you're really flustered and people are laughing. Your mother comes in carrying a tray of freshly baked cookies, but all your friends are leaving, disgusted that you don't know. On their way out, one of your friends tells your mother what happened. She spends the next hour yelling at you to be better. It's awful, and it could happen to any one of us.

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