D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult III #5 Containers and the Contained

Episode Date: November 7, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's happiest podcast network. Hey guys, before we start, I just want to let you know that Jackson has decided to take his good friends Handsome Tom and Cass through a carefully constructed role-playing adventure about a small town, an unlikely group of friends, and the mummy they have all sworn to protect, no matter the cost. Tales from Handel Creek, My Summer with Anko Tep, is a love letter to 80s movies like Monster Squad and The Goonies. For the next month, we're premiering each episode on twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio before uploading them to YouTube. But if you hate waiting, you can grab all five episodes right now on our website, sanspantsradio.com.

Right now on our website SansPantsRadio.com Welcome to Season 3, Episode 5 Of Zombie Plagued Chol Previously A quality that Pop already possesses And making it a lot worse Yeah, I should understand It's just part of my personality that makes me shit

Once again, it's like a constant chattering in the back of your head. Is this one way worse? Wongo is just crueler. His opinions of other people seem to kind of stop at their usefulness to him. Moa will force you to speak the truth. Just hang on. Moa always tells the truth? Moa will force you to speak the truth.

Will Moa always tell the truth? Yes. The voice of a young girl, a panicked young girl, echoes in your mind. What's happening? Why can't I see? Oh no. As it tilts its head back and screams, Tiffany, you hear and then see what is causing the faint chittering.

Cassie's dead. The pile of spiders that was flask of wine, flump, falls down. Oh. And then it is Tiffany and, ooh, not flask of wine. Oh, Jesus Christ. Adam! There is no pressure on this, and if you don't roll well,

I won't be disappointed in you forever. That feels worse. Okay, let's have a go. We ready? Yep. Fuck, I'm so sweaty. Let's do it. Yay! 19!

19? Alright. Flask of wine will survive with a horrific injury. Right before the flame skull explodes into nothingness, all you are aware of, Tiffany, is a frightened little girl. Same. With heaving chests, you all look at the carnage surrounding

you, to the piles of redeaded spiders And to the prone form of your companion flask of wine Adam, now the fight is over And I have Wongo in my brain I immediately climb through the teeth and go straight to the sarcophagus You actually just will have trouble climbing through the teeth But let's get to that in a second tiffany when you get to flask you can see that the cold damage that racked his dying

body has left him with permanent internal injuries whenever he attempts an action in combat he must make a dc 15 constitution saving throw on a save. He loses his action and can't use reactions until the start of his next turn. Oh gosh. He, this injury can, sorry, it's not permanent. It will heal,

but he needs to take, you think maybe a fortnight of dedicated, just resting. No physical action. Well, that is tragically not going to happen. Good job, Pop. You managed to worm your way

through the mouth. Pop is also in the room with you. Pop, heal Flask. I look at the sarcophagus and I look at Flask and I look at the sarcophagus. Pop!

And I look at Flask, and I look at the sarcophagus. Pop. And I look at Flask. Pop. And I look at the sarcophagus. Poppy nearly died. And I go to the sarcophagus. No one else can get through the teeth right now. Odisimber, Valindra, and Zagmira all try to get through the teeth. Zagmira doesn't try.

She doesn't care. Valindra and Odisimbra both try to get through the teeth but neither of them can artisimbra seems clearly distraught at the situation he was the one who cast the magic that nearly killed flask but he yeah he he's like trying to stuff himself through but he's just too big and pop Pop, you uncover the sarcophagus. It's going to require a strength check to shift. The whole way over, I'm just saying shut up under my breast because I imagine Wongo is just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Wongo is surprisingly more quiet than Overlocker. Yeah, but he doesn't like Moa. No. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, no, you're right. He's screaming at you. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. You piece of shit. Nonetheless, you manage to shift the stone lid off the sarcophagus. Inside, there is a bundle of faded cloth holding the serpentine bones of a jaculi, Moa's animal form.

The staff of python rests atop these remains. I take the scarf, very careful not to touch the snake bones. Alright. There's no point now. Icky. Green smoke billows from the staff coiling around you like a serpent. A

sibilant voice whispers in your ear, Let's me help you I promise to be good they're gonna fight regardless you get the staff of python nope

the mower tries to invade your mind but you see the su monster the little monkey wongo reach up grab and then snap you take six points of damage and your nose is bleeding fuck you you monkey little shit no no no no no no i will drown us both you fucking asshole do it it. Fuck off. I try it again. I try it again. I am ignoring all of this.

I don't care. How dare you? How dare you? You attempt to let Moa into you a second time, and a second time, Wonga screeching, no, no, no, grabs Moa this time and gouges out Moa's eyes. You take seven points of damage and you cry blood. Adam, I keep trying.

Maybe this time I'll be lucky. This time, Wongo grabs both top and the bottom of Moa and pulls, tearing Moa in half. You take nine points of damage and the corners of your mouth are torn as if by a paper cut. Adam, you know that I'm going to keep trying until I get the swap. Artis Simra quickly tries to get in. He's not going to get in. Zegmira's not trying. Valindra tries. Oh no, she doesn't roll at disadvantage. She can't either. And I'll try a second time for for artists and a second time for valindra they still

can't get to you tiffany they're both genuinely trying but neither of them can you try again pop i'm so sorry i'm just gonna keep trying moa coils down moa's trying moa seems moa doesn't seem weak wongo is just not letting up this time maybe moa snaps several times and gets wongo in several places and you feel like the monkey should fucking give up but wongo is not wongo is free for the first time in hundreds of years and he's not giving that up wongo grabs moa by the head drags moa in and then grabbing moa mo the back of moa's neck in his teeth he tears upwards pop this time you feel it you feel blood trickling down your back you take seven points you stupid fucking monkey artisimba is through valindra is through both of them run over to well no valindra keeps like a an air about her artisimba has not no time for that yeah artisimba

sprints forwards gets to flask of wine is looking him over can tell that he's alive, but his heartbeat is faint. He looks at you and you can just see panic and regret in his face. The entire time you can vaguely hear him whispering, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Valindra wanders over, wanders towards you as well. As she does so, you can see that she's pulling at that green energy about her again. While that happens, Pop, you try again.

Adam, Pop keeps trying until it happens. Finally. Oh, gosh. Snap, snap, snap. Wongo is backed up into a corner, and Moa launches at him, grabbing, biting him in the neck and wrapping around him. Wongo won't go down.

Wongo grabs and pulls, and is trying to tear Moa apart. It's all just happening in my, like... Yes. Who the fuck knows. Finally, for the first time, Wongo is fighting Moa where Moa is strongest, in a game of grappling. And Moa tightens and Wongo struggles.

And Moa tightens and Wongo struggles. And Moa tightens and Wongo struggles and Moa tightens and Wongo struggles and Moa tightens and then snap. Wongo's neck snaps at an odd angle. Pop. You can feel two incision marks in your neck. You take 12 points of damage. You are being inhabited the the spirit of moa while this is so you must your floor has become i must always speak the truth and your power is while inhabited by moa you can use an action to turn invisible anything you are wearing or carrying is invisible as long as you

are that's dope as fuck as long as you are. That's dope as fuck. As long as it is on your person. The effect ends if you attack, cast a spell, force a saving throw or deal damage. Well. Well. Moa coils up in the back of your mind, contented, and says with a voice of authority and calmness within your mind. Finally. Mo mind. Finally. Mower. Yes.

That is eyes. Do you know what's going on here? Do you know how to get the others and fight the lich? How did all of you listen? It's limited, but I will help you where I can. So this is the first one I've had that's going to be actively helpful. They're all going to be helpful. They all want to kill Azorak.

Do they? Tiffany, as Valindra approaches, she takes 11 points of damage and you gain 22. Hey. She also healed Flask, didn't she? Thank you. Yeah, she's about to heal flask now. She does herself a further 27 points of damage. And flask of wine regains 40, 54 points of damage.

Holy shit. She is very good. Flask of wine coughs and splutters. Oh, wait. Just realized she is immune to this damage. She's immune to the damage that she gets from healing people. Takes from healing people. Yep.

That's amazing. Can she heal us more? She could. She doesn't right now, though. Oh. I can only prepare so many spells a day. No, no, that makes sense. Thank you so much.

I feel a lot better already. I didn't want to be greedy. Yeah, I'll be fine. The more spell slots I burn, the less I can help in the future. If it becomes relevant again to heal you, then I will heal you. But if it does not become relevant, it would be more prudent to keep these spells and to allow you to heal naturally.

Do you understand? Of course, of course. Thank you. Speaking of, who needs healing? Artis Simber is giving you the dirtiest fucking look. What? Artis Simber stands up as he helps Flask of Wine gingerly to his feet. Flask of Wine still looks really pale.

You can tell that he's still got icing all over his fur and such. You right, Flask. Flask of Wine tries to open his mouth to say something, but slowly closes it. He is shaking. He does not stop shaking. Can I cure wounds? What level?

Two. You cast cure wounds. Flask of wine recovers a further nine hit points, but he does not stop shaking. You right, horns? I'll be fine. All right. We ready to do this?

You got your stuff? Yes. This one's actually helpful. I'm not an arsehole like the last one. Good to know. Okay. Should we take a rest or is everyone sort of as good as they can get for the mo? Could we take a short rest here?

You could take a short rest, yeah. I really think maybe we should just take a break. Get back out there, you know? Yeah, alright. I'll... Just a little one. No worries. Oliver Chet's a thing, I'll see if she knows. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course. You take a little break. I... How dare you?

Oh, you just walked past Flask of Wine and the options were it was because of the thing which was due to who you are as a person or it's just because of who you are as a person. The problem is always pop. And who you are as a person. Yep.

There's got to be a point where I stop getting mad and every single time I think it'll be this time and I just feel worse every time. Turns out there's not a bottom to how sad you can get. No. I'm exhausted. Flask nearly died. Flask might be dying. We don't...

There's so much, you know. I don't have time for any of this. I never had time for any of this. A really big point of me talking to you, a lot of it, is saying how we don't have time for any of this. And big point of me talking to you a lot of it is saying how we don't have time for any of this and you've convinced me that we need to do it but even though you convinced me it was still your idea and because of everything you've done it still makes me really upset yep that's absolutely fair at a point i should be like well actually no this will be genuinely helpful we need to do it no, can't get there yet.

Too mad. Too upset. I like that cry angry. Oh, would you like to attune to anything, Pop? Yeah, I'd like to attune to the staff, Holy Avenger. I'm not going to pick any of the other two because they're attributed to other ghosts and I don't want other ghosts in me. Proof of detection.

No, no, no, just still Vaughn's amulet. of detection no no just stillborn's amulet towards the end of your rest i would say tiffany you definitely notice pop what's your passive perception pretty high we're pretty high oh actually no it's not tiffany through the mouth of the skeleton still trying to struggle itself closed you see a skeleton standing on the other side. The skeleton has one of those strange stone head contraptions. When you notice it, it notices you. It, with a start and a jump, freezes. What do you do? I stand up really fast and go, ah!

It turns around and runs away. I sit back down as though nothing has happened. We're resting. All right, well, your rest ends. Maybe people are looking at you a bit weird. What? They're fine. They just get a bit spooked.

Who does? Skeletons. What the fuck are you talking about? No one else saw it? There was a... You know how we saw the skeletons in the lake just before and they sort of got frightened and swam away? There was just one outside the...

None of you saw the skeleton? No one else did. God, I must have looked really silly then. Yes. Everyone nods. You look really, really fucking stupid. That's really... Rude.

Well, I just saved all of our lives, so you're all welcome. I thought you said it was a coward. You've been caught out. Stare at the ground, do like a quick little head shake, like, hmm, never mind, to myself, and I start just trotting over to the next set of stairs. Do we want to get the teeth, the movable rods back from the teeth? Yes, we do.

We all pop through and then I imagine you and I, Pop, both grab them and go three, two, one. Both of you will need to make a dexterity saving throw, which you will have advantage on. Pop, you're fine. Tiffany, you're fine. Tiffany, you're fine. With a snap and a crunch, the stone teeth snap shut,

and you can no longer see into Moa's tomb. Moa, you and I are going to have a deal. Yes. If at any juncture you can genuinely help, I need you to tell me. Of course. I would never knowingly trick you. I don't like that knowingly part.

Yeah, that's so specific. Also, are you able to hiss less? No. Are you sure? This is about it. All right. How about you just be less like yourself. So rude.

That is a horrible thing to say to someone. That is a rude thing to say. I can't help it. I'm terrified of snakes. I agree with your friend, Tiffany. What do you mean? As you move down the stairs, you can hear the sounds of some, like a metal furnace roaring. The roaring flames, the sound of some, like, a metal furnace roaring.

The roaring flames, the sound of metal upon metal, and the labored efforts of people working. Who is the first into the room? I am. It's a single file sort of affair as well. I am. All right. So what's the order here?

So it's Tiffany. Who's next? Oh, Pop. Tiffany, Pop, and do you mind how the npcs are that's up to them all right well i suppose it would be then maybe orvex behind you pop zag mira valindra flask of wine and artist simba bringing up the rear has far spoken no he hasn't is he still shivering yes far out he doesn't say, he hasn't. Is he still shivering? Yes. Far out. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't do anything. He seems like a broken

tabaxi. Tiffany, you enter into the room. Old wooden benches and shelves along the walls of this chamber are covered with gears, chains, trap components, and cages filled with rats. Lit iron braziers hang from chains on the ceiling.

Along the north wall, a stepped dais is set with a bulky contraption, an iron maiden of sorts, attached to a network of steaming pistons, tubes, and bubbling vats of blood. Five masked dwarves operate the contraption. The iron contraption shudders as it opens, releasing a hissing cloud of steam. Through the roiling vapor, an armored figure wearing a bucket helm steps into view.

So we've clearly walked into a room that we were not supposed to walk into. When the dwarves turn around to look at you, you can tell immediately that all five of them are undead. They are undead dwarves with a malice to them. The creature encased in armor bleeds consistently, constantly. Blood oozes out of the cracks in its armor. And when it moves, you hear shuddering chains as it hefts its arms. The undead dwarves and the strange nightmare creature attack you.

Who do you want to fight with? Moa. Shush. Who do you want to fight with? I'll fight with Zagmir again. I'll go Ardis. Pop and Zagmir, you're first. I pull out Holy Avenger.

What is closest? Holy Avenger is in your hands. Is it feeling good? Does it feel like it's ready to do some killing? Yes. Is one of the dwarves closest or the armoured man? The dwarves would be closest. Oh, you ugly son of a bitch, let's dance. You charge

one of them down, the nearest one? Yes. And I would like her to use wrathful smite. As she does so, you can see like an energy encase her club. Great. Well, so I want to do that, but I want to do her bonus action. I want her to curse the big metal man. Okay, so her bonus action is either to cast the wrathful smite or the hexbladeblade's Curse.

Sick. I want her to Mind Spike the same dwarf that I'm charging and put a curse on the Big Metal Boy. Put a curse upon the Big Metal Boy and then casts Mind Spike upon the same dwarf. Let's fucking go. It makes a wisdom saving throw, which it fails, and it takes 4d8 psychic damage. And Adam, I want to use Zephyr Strike. Yes. She deals 10 points of psychic damage to it

as she hurls a spike from her hand, and it hones in on the dwarf's head. It strikes the dwarf straight through the mask, and it screams an unearthly bellow. The creature clearly does not like that. She smiles with a wicked grin as you strike the creature with Holy Avenger. So you rolled a one on both of these dice.

Sidestepped. Swap places with the target, make a DC 16 dexterity saving throw on a failed save fall prone. Fuck me. You pass that saving throw. Oh, thank God. My back! If this attack was made with a two-handed weapon, you hurt your back.

Oh, Jesus. And you have disadvantage on strength athletics checks until you finish a short rest. We just finished a short rest! You did. Oh. We just finished the shorn rest. You did. You charge forwards and try to swing, but the dwarf steps aside and you stumble forwards as it steps back into where you were. You nearly trip over your own feet and fall prone,

but instead you turn around and finish the swing at the same dwarf. But finishing or trying to finish the swing at the same dwarf but finishing or trying to finish the swing you feel something in your back oh that was deeply important and now i'm in a lot of fucking pain but finally in a turn of in twisting holy avenger you manage to score a decent hit on the dwarf. Ow. You deal 13 points of slashing damage and then 12 points of radiant damage. Oh, yes. The strike was great. The dwarf is clearly gravely wounded by that,

but it's still standing. Tiffany and Artis. Would I know that undead are affected by poison? It depends. You're not exactly sure what type of undead are affected by poison? It depends. You're not exactly sure what type of undead these dwarves are. And actually, shockingly, you know what the giant metal man is. Really?

Yes. So you have heard talk in Chult and around Port Nyanzaru of creatures called tomb guardians. Oh, that sounds bad. Yes. Wait, are they like shield guardians but for bad? Yes and no. So Tomb Guardians are fearsome, awful creatures. You have heard, you didn't realize,

maybe you didn't know it was about the Tomb of the Nine Gods or maybe you weren't sure that it was from any tomb or any dungeon specifically. But you know that adventurers who go missing in chult sometimes are captured by some awful flesh crafters as they are sometimes referred to or creatures who know how to craft flesh and they are turned into tomb guardians this creature is an amalgamation of several people, presumably, who died before you here in this tomb.

Adventurers who die here are turned into tomb guardians. This is the fate of someone who has come before you. A tomb guardian is a fearsome creature. The armor that encases it makes hitting it very, very difficult. It is immune to lightning, poisoning, bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from non-magical attacks or the weapons that aren't adamantine. It is immune to being charmed. It cannot be exhausted or frightened or paralyzed or petrified or poisoned. It has darkvision out to 60 feet. or petrified or poisoned it has dark vision out to 60 feet it can speak or understand at least any language that the creatures that make it up knew in life and there would be multiple corpses

inside stuffed inside that armor it is not truly undead it is technically considered a construct rather than undead you know however that if you can deal enough damage to it you can force it to go berserk and it will attack anything around it including these dwarves you know that it has an aversion to fire if it takes any fire damage it will it will become afraid it might not break off the fight but it will have trouble hitting you back. You know it is immune to any spell that will alter its form, like polymorph or something like that. And you know that lightning damage heals it. Okay, as they're coming towards, I go, no lightning.

No lightning, only magic. Oh, Tiffany and Artis. Okay, well, Artis might use a magic arrow then. He can do bursting arrow, which does an explosion. He can do grasping arrow, which does poison damage and wraps someone up. He can do piercing arrow, so he does like a line of damage. Piercing arrow, he could hit either one of the dwarves. Tomb guardian.

Sorry, he could hit one of the dwarves and the tomb guardian. Yes, please. He knocks, draws, and fires, and a line of arrows fall in front of him. He deals... Four points of damage to both of them. That's fine. Well, I will cast Earth Tremor.

You can hit basically three of the dwarves and the Tomb Guardian if you want. That is fine. Well, I will cast Earth Tremor. You can hit basically three of the dwarves and the tomb guardian if you want. That is what I would love to do. They all make their saving throws. I'm so sorry. That is crushing, tragically, not literally crushing. That was your turn.

It's the dwarves' turn. And Pop, you're the only person there. Oh, fuck. I would say, actually, two of the tomb dwarves charge after you, Tiffany. But three of them and the tomb guardian attack Pop. Tiffany, with axes, they bring them down upon you. It's like a dozen different blows at different angles. Oh, fuck.

You take 24 points of damage as they attack here, they attack there. They attack everywhere. Cass, I'm fine. You know how you know that I'm fine? It's the amount of times I'm saying I'm fine. That is a good indication. It is. Pop, you feel one blow, 10 points of damage.

You feel a second light blow, four points of damage. Then your shoulder is destroyed as one of them, Game of Thrones style, brings the axe down on your shoulder and the entire axe head embeds itself in your shoulder. Slash shoulder, maximum damage, and roll the damage die again. 10, 4, 17. For a total of 31 points of damage. That's not the tomb guardian either.

No, then it's the tomb guardian. Oh, no. This is bad. This is real bad. This is really, really, really bad. The tomb guardian has no weapon. No axe to bite into your shoulder like the dwarves do. It just brings up its two gauntleted hands.

And beneath its helm, you can see the disfigured and horrific face of an elf. Hello, beautiful. It brings its fists down upon you. Oh, Jesus. Hit, miss. One of its fists drives that axe down into you. Oh, my God, Adam. down into you. Oh my god, Adam.

You take a further 15 points of damage, Pop. Mm-hmm. How's Moa going? Moa is coiled in the back of your mind, waiting. She's the only one who's not

constantly speaking, and it is unnerving. But I guess she's lawful goods. She's waiting to be, she's being very polite. Very kind. Oh, my God, what are you doing to me? Why are you going over there? Also, Elin was like, burn your friends, burn your friends, burn your friends, burn your friends, burn your friends,

burn your friends. Don't burn yourself, don't burn yourself, don't burn yourself. I'll burn everything. Flask of wine. Oh, that's right, he needs to roll. He passes. Flask of wine oh that's right he needs to roll he passes the flask of wine launches into action he starts sprinting past you uh sprinting past you tiffany no actually you need more help than pop is fucked but you need more help flask of wine reaches you tiffany and pats you on the back

when he does so you feel energy channel into you and your skin feels like it's rippling out from where he touched you. Your skin turns from soft flesh into hardened bark. For a moment, well, look, honestly, the first thing I consider is another deformity and then I'm like, oh, I don't even want to know what I look like right now, you know? It couldn't get worse. And then it does.

And then it keeps getting worse. Your AC becomes 16. And then he takes a step back and then lets out, lets into one of the dwarves with his bow. Oh, no. Flask rolls two. No. You know, we used to be lucky in fights And I used to kill lots of things real quick

And you'd never get hurt And now everything's just The fucking worst Valindra is next to you Cass She raises her hand and flames wreath Both the dwarves Both of them take 27 points of damage Hmm she says raises a hand and flames wreath both the dwarves.

Both of them take 27 points of damage. Hmm, she says. I should have used a higher level spell. The two dwarves look at Valindra with a little bit of fear. She seems very blasé about this

fight. She seems blasé about every fight. Poppin Zagmira. So, Adam, how fucked am I? You're in a bad spot. You can't retreat. There's too many dwarves around you to retreat, and the tomb guardian is standing there before you. Can I try and knock it off its feet?

You can. Can Zagmira do anything that will knock it off its feet? You can. Can Zagmira do anything that'll knock it off its feet? Zagmira, she might not be able to knock it off its feet, but you might want her to wade into this fight with you and fight the tomb guardian. Yeah, but I want it

prone. She could try, but you'd probably be better at it, and even you don't stand much of a chance. I want to knock it over and then put the immovable rod on top of it. Well, you could try if you want. Yeah, fuck it. If you really want to do this, you're not reckless anymore.

You've got to speak the truth. That's MOA. Yeah, it's true. That's what I want to do, though. I want to pin it and trap it. If you really want to take it. You're not reckless anymore. You've got to speak the truth. That's Moa. Yeah, it's true. That's what I want to do, though. I want to pin it and trap it. If you really want to take it out of the fight, she can come over and use help, the help action, so then you get advantage to your check. Yeah, Adam, I really want to do that.

Alright, she comes over, and you and her together attempt to shove the tomb guardian. You, both of you, plant your hands dead center in its chest and heave. As you heave, it grabs both of your hands, sets itself against you, and you do not move it an inch.

Fuck you, you ugly piece of shit. Tiffany and Artis. Another piercing arrow from Artis. He could hit one of the dwarves and the tomb guardian if you want. Yes, that would be great. A line of arrows. Trail near Zegmira and near Pop, striking the dwarf and the tomb guardian. And what would you like to do? Green flame blade.

I'll say that you're standing next to Valindra's there. So I'll say that you get your sneak attack bonus. Brilliant. You hit. Hey. And now a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, did you know there's an insane amount of old and unknown and weird and fucked cartoons that you do not know about?

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You deal 32 points of damage. That dwarf is no more. You strike a dead center in its chest and it shatters with red fire velindra looks at you tiffany and says good job thanks oh my god she's a mom the dwarf next to you attempts to attack velindra and with its first axe blow, Valindra simply puts a hand out, and a green shimmering shield appears in her hand.

The dwarf tries to hammer away at it solidly, but nothing happens. God, I love mom. God, I'm scared of mom and love. One of the dwarves scores a hit on zag mirror you are struck twice by different dwarves pop is that axe still in my shoulder yeah the axe goes a little deeper causing 12 points of damage and another axe hits you in the side causing 9 21 total oh Adam. Can you let me know when I'm at 10? You're at nine. So then the tomb guardian attacks you once

and attacks Zagamira once. Oh, boy. You get hit. Oh, I have gift of protection too. I hate myself. You take 11 points of damage. Pop. The world goes black. Zagamira takes

14 points of damage. Yeah, it's been a while, hasn't it? It's been a minute. Yeah, I die a lot. Fuck. Flask of wine sticks his paw underneath the longbow and then flicks it back up into his hands. Let's try this again.

If I saw that, I'd be impressed. He makes a constitution saving throw, which he passes. And then he fires twice. Two arrows dig themselves in the dead center of the dwarf. Tiffany, Valindra grabs at the dwarf and drags his green aura kicking and screaming unlike when she does it from herself this dwarf does not want it to happen and struggles and fights as much as it can but it was never gonna make that same it collapses crumbles into nothing. Good, good, good. Then she should put it in pop, but she needs to be standing next to pop to do that.

So instead, Tiffany, she lets it flow into you. You recover 36 hit points. That's fair. I ignored flask when he was dying. Am I full? Yep, you're full hit points. Yum. That tastes like. Actually, she managed to put that in flask, but oh well. Am I full? Yep, you're full hit points. Yum. That tastes like.

Actually, she managed to put that in flask, but oh well, she doesn't care that much. It was just killing. I'm there. It was just killing the creature, to be honest. It happens. You got to kill. Then she starts walking. She casually strides towards the three other dwarves and the tomb guardian.

That is her turn. Pop. Make a death saving throw. Pop, your eyes open. You have one hit point. 20, baby. You got a 20. You have a full turn, buddy.

Just when you thought you could put me down, I get back up again. I just got stabbed a lot. You've lost a lot of blood. Please, please, please heal yourself. Please. Is gift of protection a bonus action or an action? It doesn't count as any action.

It's just something that you do. Gift of protection. As Pop steps back up to his feet, a golden shimmering energy begins to bathe him. Pop shines with a vibrant, bright light. It hurts almost to look at him. I swing Holy Avenger, Zephyr Strike, Tomb Guardian. Thankfully, thank God, you are very good at using holy avenger

better to be honest than you are with a single-handed weapon but nonetheless holy avenger bites into this creature twice it is not undead so it does not take that extra damage but it's a construct yes it is not resistant to this damage it's a construct. Yes. It is not resistant to this damage. It's a magical weapon. Yay. You deal 28 points of damage. Oh, Chunky, you want to come again? That's right, because he's made of chunks. That was pop. What would you like Zagmira to do?

She's got the club and dagger in her hand. Great. Mine's black. Big boy. That's her last spell, though. She can now only cast Eldritch Blast, Mage Hand, and Toll the Dead. Great, Mind Spike. Big boy. That's her last spell, though. She can now only cast Eldritch Blast, Mage Hand, and Toll the Dead. Oh, no worries. Oh, and Mage Armor. Sorry, she also gets Mage Armor. Basically any of those

cantrips. She should have cast Mage Armor. Whoops. It would have made her AC 15 instead of 13. It's not that big a deal. Anyway, it doesn't matter. So, what are you getting her to do? Mind Spike? Mind Spike's the big tomboy. She hits.

20 points of damage. Come on, baby. The tomb guardian is definitely greatly wounded. Tiffany and Ardis. Ardis will just use plain magic arrows. Who do you want him to fire at? Tomb guardian. All right.

Ardis's first arrow does nine points of damage it strikes the guardian dead center in its chest as it was bringing its fists up to crush you again pop but instead it slowly falls backwards and lands back in the strange contraption that spawned it it is slowly mangled and destroyed by the working gears. Then with his second attack, he deals a further nine points of damage to one of the dwarves near you. I just give the fucking tomb guardian the finger. Oh, and Tiffany, what do you do, say?

I would like to green flame blade the nearest dwarf. You are a critical miss. We've had a lot of crit misses this time. How has that happened? I don't know. Adam, what dice are you using? Crap! You take a d4 penalty to your next attack roll.

Your next attack is at negative two. As you lunge forwards, ah, ah, ah, your leg. The dwarves assault you. Three of them attack. There's only three of them left one attacks pop one attacks tiffany one attacks zagmira pop you duck or cower not cower but you use holy avenger as a shield as best you can and you're deflecting blows zagmira does the same with a club and with her dagger she does a fair job but she's not as good a fighter as you and she takes five points of damage i'm also invincible fucker

come and get me oh yeah that's right you take no damage whatever they harmlessly can he just hit me and i'm like i'll try that again fuck face sure you the the dwarf breaks his axe upon your face. Oh, whoops. Shame about that. Tiffany, you are suffering from a cramp, and one of the dwarves solidly hits you in the arm. His axe bites halfway through your upper arm. You take a total of 16 points of damage. Oh, can I use my uncanny?

No, can I use my hellish rebuke? Sure, you can use your hellish rebuke. No. Can you make that noise every time you use hellish rebuke slash when you remember that you have it? Hey, Tom, I'm going to try. Good. Because what was that?

That's a good noise. Flames wreath the dwarf that attacked you, Tiffany, and it takes 16 points of damage. That dwarf collapses into a pile of flames and ash. The corpse stinks to high hell. Oh, whoops. And... Hey, hey.

The tomb... We're friends again. We're not. No. Flask of wine plugs two arrows into one of the dwarves and it topples over as well. And two corpses are being chewed up by the machine behind them then velindra acts the dwarf that she casts this spell upon is very unwilling why would you ever willingly accept what

is about to happen however the dwarf cannot truly resist what spell is being cast upon it it looks like velindra is pulling out all the stops some might say a ninth level spell she just wants this fight to be over she looks genuinely slightly bored i love her you know she actually so she's about to heal you but she also heals when she does this every time she causes necrotic damage she heals some damage so she's healing you and she's also healing herself and she's also immune to yeah look it's crazy gosh she's cool she's very cool that's a lot of fucking eights holy shit that's a lot of eights she deals deals 32 points of damage to it, but that's enough to destroy it. And then she channels the energy into you, Pop, and you heal 64 points of damage. You fucking...

Oh, that's not what I thought it was. You and Tiffany both feel deeply upset by what has just happened. The energy feels wrong. you are being healed with the energy of the dead and it is unpleasant it's it feels it feels like you can taste zombie flesh in your mouth but oh i fucking hate this apart from the unpleasant physical sensation you definitely feel healthier. Well, I feel better, but I don't like it. If they weren't resistant to that, she would have healed you 128 points of damage.

I would have been fully healed. Yeah. Yeah, and then some. Would I have exploded? No, you wouldn't have exploded. That's my favorite rule that doesn't exist anymore. All right, this fight is over. Whoa. You right, horns. That's my favourite rule that doesn't exist anymore. All right, this fight is over. Whoa.

You all right, horns? Yeah, I feel good. It's fucking gross. It's so gross. Oh, my God. Sorry. Someone's shitting your mouth. Thank you so much.

It just really. I'm not sorry. It's gross. I feel like I ate him. That's to Valindra, by the way. Valindra does not seem perturbed by your distaste with it. Really, thank you. That's to Valindra, by the way. Valindra does not seem perturbed by your distaste. Thank you. Really, thank you. That's not a pleasant feeling.

Please do it again. But, oh. You both receive 883 experience points. Now that the room is cleared, would you like to turn it over? Yeah, I'd also like to use a second level cure wounds on myself. Pop, you feel marginally better

You recover, it only seems so paltry In comparison, nine hit points If you search the room On the workbenches You can find the effects Of countless adventurers Who have died in this tomb And whose bodies have been used

To create tomb guardians You can find the materials to create hundreds of tomb guardians there's a lot they were expecting and they have probably seen a lot of traffic through this room among the effects you see a rolled up yellow flag that you maybe can't really it's the yellow flag people yellow banner the yellow company of the yellow banner you also find a interesting looking lantern which velindra points to and then holds up a very identically looking lantern it is a lantern of a ghost lantern. Oh, we'll grab that, right? It contains presumably the trapped soul of a person. Oh. That'd look pretty cool in a museum.

Oh. Can't tell lies. A restless spirit is trapped inside the lantern. While holding it, you can command the spirit as a bonus action to shed light in a 30 foot radius and dim light for an additional 30 feet while holding the lantern you can use an action to order the spirit to leave the lantern and duplicate the effect of the mage hand spell the spirit returns the lantern when the spell ends if you fall unconscious within 10 feet of the lantern the spirit emerges from it magically stabilizes you with a touch,

and then quickly returns to the lantern. Oh! The spirit is bound to the lantern and can't be harmed, turned, or raised from the dead. Casting Dispel Evil and Good on the lantern releases the spirit to the afterlife and renders the lantern non-magical. As you approach it, as you pick it up

and look at it and inspect at it, you can see that there is a lonely and forlorn looking elven figure sitting in the bottom of the lamp. She looks at you with sad eyes. I've seen your face. Where? I look at the remains of the tomb guardian. She peers through there.

No, that is not me. Hor Suad, she says. Hor Suad? Your name's Hor? Hor Suad, she says. That is Suad. He was with the company of the yellow banner. See, I knew that.

That's what that banner was. He was so kind. I'm sorry to hear that. Not that he was kind, but I'm sorry. She had been standing up when she was looking at him, but then she sits back down. She sighs. All right.

You can come with us. She nods slowly. They were here for something. She seems to be searching for the thoughts, but you can tell that her mind is clouded, and Valindra leans over and says, the magic of the lantern. The longer she spends in it, the more she forgets.

I would assume this lantern was forged years ago, perhaps centuries. That's so sad. Well, at least she's not in the soulmonger. They promised to help me. How? She seems lost and sad. Do we know how to help her? Well, you know that if you cast Dispel Good and Evil upon the lantern,

her soul will be freed. Just going to hold it. Come with us. At the moment it's not safe to be free, but once we fix that, we'll help you. The others, they're trapped or dead. Yeah. We'll do our best to help you, okay,

but you have to come with us to start off with. We can't free you now. Well, I don't think any one of us can, but if we free you now, you'll be trapped. They were here to save me. She just repeats. All right. Take the ghost lantern?

We absolutely take the ghost lantern, Adam. Do you take the ghost lantern? Yes, I do. You need to be attuned to the lantern to use its effects. I would like to. I don't need. Ah, Vaughn. I don't need Vaughn down here.

No, you don't. I don't. You've got to spend an hour attuning that. That's okay. I can take Vaughn's. What? Well, if you want to take the lantern because it can help you if you get into a tricky spot i can attune to vaughn if we need that's not why i took the land

it's not white why did you take the lantern then i'll take the lantern i'll take the lantern no looks look at it it's very Pop, what the fuck? Pop? Yes. Why did you take the lantern? Because it would look good in a museum. Get a good boy car. I snatched the lantern back. Oh, fuck.

We are helping her. Sure, we can. I don't want her in it, obviously. That's fucking rude. I just want the bit around the outside. Oh, my God, your rudeness. Your rudeness has saved you. So you don't – you'll free her. You'll help free her?

Yeah, well, could – a spirit in a – that's fucking cruel. And I'm not cruel. What? What? What? I want the lantern but not the lady in it. Okay. Take the lantern. Yep.

Since when have you worried about being cruel? I'm not complaining. Always. Fuck no. No, I'm good. I'm fine. I'm very fine. Can you not lie?

What? Lie to me right now. Tell me my skin's red. Your skin. Basically, the scene from Liar Liar. Whoops. This pen is royal blue. Yeah, sure. Your skin's very purple. Yeah, sure.

Your skin's very purple. E-blue. It's not. Your skin is very mower. You cannot sell a lie. Lying would be wrong. Yeah, apparently lying is wrong, horns. Wow. Wow.

Yep. Tiffany has the smuggest fucking look. No, Cass has the smuggest fucking look right now. So. Who is your parents? Where are you raised? What? Where are you raised?

You know who I was raised. Yeah. I was raised by the Church of Gregory Bones. Uh-huh. And I don't know my parents. I assume they are dead and I don't really care. I do care. I care about – I don't care where they are because they didn't care where I

am. Fuck. Do you like being polite? It's complicated. The handwriting stuff always threw me. Well yeah, they taught us penmanship and I can cook

a nine course meal for a duke if you needed me to. What? You've never helped with the cooking. Are you a duke? You never asked. I feel like that would fall under things that could help us in Schultz. Have you told the truth about things that could help us in Schultz?

Every single time. I've never lied to you about anything. I know that we can trust Valindra because she's going to betray the Red Wizards. What? So it's all fine. Zagmira gives you a funny look and then looks at Valindra and then we're going to initiate it. Oh, boy.

What chaos within the party has Pop just caused? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chult. Oh, boy. What chaos within the party has Pop just caused? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chot. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to SandspansRadio.com and consider joining the Sandspans Plus community. There's over 20 bonus shows, a SansPantsPlus Discord, exclusive video content, and discounts on merch. Just head to SansPantsRadio.com and follow the links.

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