De-Influenced with Dani + Jordan - I Blew Up My Life (Jordan's Version)

Episode Date: February 27, 2025

Welcome back De-Influencers! We're back with another installment of "I blew up my life" except this time it's Jordan's turn. In all seriousness, Jordan is completely opening up about his side of this journey. It's a more emotional episode much like the original "I blew up my life", but we felt it was important for you to get the full story and be transparent about how we are handling this both on our own and in our marriage. It's a more serious conversation than we usually have here on De-Influenced, but we're hoping it will help others who find themselves in similar situations. We hope y'all enjoy and maybe even take something away from this episode too. ❤️ Love,  Dani and Jordan  We've worked with some of our favorite brands to get you guys some discounts! Visit jshealthvitamins.com/dani and use code DANIAUSTIN to receive 20% off your order or first subscription order. Take proactive care of your health and head to OPositiv.com/DANI or enter DANI at checkout for 25% off your first purchase. Give yourself the luxury you deserve with Quince! Go to Quince.com/dani for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.  Get 50% off your first box of fresh, healthy food at TheFarmersDog.com/dani. Plus, you get FREE shipping! Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com/dani today.  Visit premierprotein.com and go to Where to Buy to find a retailer near you or to find where to buy online

The following podcast is a dear media production. Hello and welcome back to your favorite podcast. Deinfluenced. You're back. I'm back. It's crazy. You left me here for quite some time. Yeah, that was the longest.

I've been away from you in a long time. You know, it's sometimes it's like. Good. Yeah, sometimes it's good. I was very weird. But I did really miss you. There were a couple nights there where I was. Drowning.

Really? Like, like, wow. But I was so, I like knew this was your time. And so I was so happy for you to get out. And like, so I was trying to have like the best possible attitude about it. Was there like a story arc of how you felt while I was gone? Like you were like, you felt free for like 24 hours. And you're like, oh my gosh, so fun.

It's like, parents. My parents are gone. Yeah. I'm the house to myself. And then it was probably like, oh, like I miss him. And then it was like, oh, this is really hard. And then it was like, I'm angry. and resentful and then it maybe like came back up.

I don't think I was ever angry or resentful that you were gone. Did you feel that? I don't think I ever got that. No. I mean, towards the end, it was about something else, but it wasn't. Yeah, no. I don't think it was about me being gone. No, no.

Because I really like getting that like one-on-one time with our kids. The thing is, is when you're watching like, you're having three, you don't even really get quality time because I was so invested in summit like the whole time because Summit was crying and needed to be fed. And so I couldn't even really like pay attention to the other two. So it's just different. Like watching Stella and Stratton when before Summit, it was fun because I could be like and, you know, Stella was old enough to like if something went wrong, she could come and tell me. Yeah. But now it's like, it's, it's different. Have you told anyone that we're a family of five? No, I. I said it for the first time and I was like, dang. We have a lot. That's a big number.

It's like, I mean, how many people... That's a team. Yeah, because how many people play basketball? Five. Five people at one time. Is it five? Yeah, five on five. You play five on five.

Wow, we have a basketball team. Yeah, we have a basketball team. So if any other families want to take us on, some, it's not quite ready, but... What sport has six? Soccer? Six on six. I've never heard of a six on six sport. Because then in soccer, what do you have, like, ten?

I mean, 10 or 11? 11 on 11. Huh. Well, we got a basketball team. Yeah, we got a basketball team. Okay, so we need to kind of update people on a little bit. I know our last episode, we talked a lot about the reality show. That was a hot topic.

Yes. Not only in the show, but also between us. You know, I was at my therapist office. And I brought it up. Yeah. I was like, I haven't told you about this yet, but there's this reality TV show going around Dallas. And he was like, oh, I'm aware. What?

Yeah. He, like, knew about it. How? My only guess, he was like, he like knew all about it. He was like, yeah, you know, I've heard wind. And my only guess. Does he see any other? Yeah, for sure.

I send everyone to him. Oh. So, like, that's why. But is it? Because I don't think anyone I've sent to him is involved. Yeah, maybe. Oh, yeah, yeah. So I didn't know that they were involved.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. That's how we found out about it. Yeah. Or? Yeah, maybe. Okay. Yeah.

So anyway. Or, so really actually what it is is it's all the husbands in there talking about it and being like, yeah. I'm like, I'm so frustrated my wife wants to do this. No. He was so like understanding. He was like, oh, another one. Yeah, another one. Another husband in here talking about this reality TV show.

So where I was out with the reality show, you know, I was basically being accused of a thought crime, you know, because. Oh, was she? Because I was just vetting the process. I was trying to learn more about, you know, exactly what direction it was going. What network, if it was going to be purchased by Netflix or Hulu or Bravo, like whoever it was, I was trying to, I was just trying to understand more. understand like some of the other characters, some of the storylines. The pilot, they want to film in like three weeks. And so I went, I finally had my therapy session where I was able to take in all the facts I acquired and sit down and talk to my man, my, not my man, sorry, my therapist

man, my man, my man, and laid out all the facts and, and like really process them. And, you know what you decided? What did you decide? It's not for me. I had this one piece of drama happen to me this week on Instagram with like another person's text messages coming out where they were like we're talking kind of crap about me. I couldn't sleep for like a week. Yeah. I can't handle this.

Like I'm way too freaking sensitive for this. And like we really played out some scenarios and like what like, okay, and then what would happen? You have a little spit on your channel. I got excited. And I felt it, but I was like, I'm not going to like, I'm not going to like wipe it off while I'm talking. But I was like, we played out some of the scenarios. And it was like, okay, if that happened, then what would happen? And then what would happen?

And it was just like, it never really went where I wanted it to go. And I also feel like with, once I had another call with some of the people, it's nothing again. It's nothing with. Right. I don't like the way you're looking. Well, I'm also not done. Okay. I just, I don't like the way you're looking at me.

Okay, I'm sorry. It's condescending. No, this is so funny. Well, okay, I'm sorry I don't process like Einstein over there. Like, you process so fast. Like, sorry, I need a couple of days. My big question, and I want you to finish, but my big question is you're like, I sat down with my man, which you, it was your therapist, but I'm your man.

And like you basically were like, yeah, you know, and then he would be like, and then we're with this go. And then we're this go. You never did that with me. You were just vehemently against it. And you didn't get curious and ask me more questions. Okay. Can I ask you? Can I ask you? We're getting off track. Okay. What do you want to ask me? If I would have sat down and been like, Danny. That's what I wanted. But then you would have interpreted it from me as like not letting you spread your wings and fly. Jordan, no, I wouldn't have. I wanted to talk about it and like, like, play it out. Play it out. Yes, with you. But you were so closed off to it that I felt like we couldn't explore it together and get to the, get to process it together. It was, I was sad because I wanted to get to that conclusion together where we both were like, yeah, it's just not a good idea. Like, think about what would happen if this happened and then this happened. And anyway, so, but I did. that and um we got to uh another thing that like i also was able to play out and understand and think about was like half the reason i wanted to do it is because i felt like there weren't i don't know um i don't know everybody everyone's character on there but i know my own and i was excited to you know like i like being like a fun christian like yeah i like being the not stereotypical

Christian that like everybody expects. And I'm not saying I'm going to do things like go places, whatever, but like I like being able for people of all different backgrounds and faiths to feel comfortable around me. And then I feel like whenever they, um, trust me and they understand that I'm going to love them no matter what, then I get to like kind of plant seeds, you know, or like, be like, oh, have you read this book or whatever. Like I have, I like, I like doing that. And I thought that this was going to be really a great opportunity for it. Um, The more I thought about it, I was like, man, there can be so many ways that they could paint me as like the judgmental Christian girl that thinks that she's better than everyone else. That like, even though I'm trying to do the right thing, they will only take that one snippet.

And then I'm going to become something that I'm totally not. So then I thought, well, I'll just ask them if I can be a producer on the show too. Oh, that's, that's really smart, honestly. Yeah. So then I was like, oh, I'll ask, I'll be like, I'll only do it if I can be one of the producers. and I have final cut or like final say on the cut. Yeah, it's pretty, what's the name? Ryan, Ryan Reynolds move.

No, Blake Leibreis. Ryan Seacrest. Oh, no, but what I'm saying is like, isn't that what Ryan Reynolds did for? Well, they didn't get it like contractually. Oh, but Blake Lively was a producer. She wasn't supposed to be, but she stepped in and did that. Got it, got it. I was going to ask for like to be that role and to have final say.

And I thought about it some more. And it's like, here's the thing. It's either like I do that. I'm a producer with Final Say or I'm just out. But then I just thought. To be clear, when I was gone with no phone, did you ask to be a producer? No, I just told them I was out. It's a great idea, though.

Yeah, I thought so. One of the better ideas. No, I thought so as well. But then I just decided, ugh. Honestly, that's how you would have gotten it past me. You should have totally done that. You should have been like, listen, I want to do a reality TV show. And then I would have gotten all angry and been like, this is a horrible idea.

And then you'd be like, you can be a producer and I'd be like, okay. Wait, we could both be producers. Listen. Wait, Tordon. Are we about to take a 180 on the show? I've always wanted to be a reality TV producer. You don't even have to be yet. I've always wanted to.

Should we, should we start our own show? Should I just contact all of the ladies that are the ladies? No. The girls are supposed to be in it and we'll just, no, no, no. We'll build our own cast. Okay, okay. But, hmm. Does this make me a hypocrite?

I don't know. I'm really struggling. No, because I think we would know the story you want to tell. This makes actually so much sense for what I'm going to talk about, what I learned at Sad Camp. Like, it all is about control. And what I felt like I was losing was control. Okay. We'll get there.

Yeah, we'll get there. But that actually, boom, light bulb moment. Makes sense. Makes sense. Yeah. Anyway. So, and then I just thought about like if there is going to be drama where, they try to pin someone against me or someone doesn't like me because of who I voted for or what I

believe or they I don't know like what could happen. I won't be able to sleep for a week. I cannot stand. It's hard for me when people are upset with me. Like I want to reconcile so fast. I hate when people hate me. Like I mean, I know a lot of people hate me, you know, but like people that I actually know, I don't think a lot of people that I actually know hate me unless I don't know. I mean, that, you know. Well, those text messages. But I didn't really know that girl. Anyway, and so that would keep me up at night.

And then I was like, that's going to take me away from being like a good mom or a good wife. Because I'm going to be so emotionally hurt by things. But if I was a producer. I'm raising my hand. Oh, I thought you were taking a high five. No. Can I ask a question? Yeah.

Do you have any deeper level of empathy for what I was feeling? after coming to these conclusions? I could get there. What's preventing you from getting there? Because all of the conclusions that you came to were the conclusions that I feel like I knew on the front end. Like I saw... I think it was the approach.

From me? Okay. Can you unpack that? I think it's the same thing like when someone yells at me. They might be like yelling the right words, but because they're yelling, I just shut down and I say you're wrong and I'm right because you're yelling. It's just like that's an example.

Can I ask this question? So I can't even really hear what you're saying because of maybe the body language or the tone. Like it's, it's just I just put up a wall. See, I see it a little bit differently. And I want, can you receive this open? We all of each other here. Can you receive this? I feel that with you, you had to come to this.

this conclusion on your own and it doesn't matter how I approached you or anyone approached you. It had to be fully your decision. That's the second conversation we had about the reality TV show. I don't know if we talked about this on the podcast, but the piece that I had made about it is it's not about who's right and who's wrong. It's about me trusting Danny to come to this conclusion on her own, which isn't it funny that we came to the same conclusion? I was just there first. But that's how it always is you protest so much faster than me. Right. I know. I'm, listen, I'm not blaming you. I'm actually trying to glean the lesson from this. Like, there's a huge lesson here that like we ended up on the same page.

And there's some type of husbandly lesson of just being patient and listening and just standing by. I think if you, I think if there's something that you and your spouse, are disagreeing over. Let's just bring up the example of making an offer on a house or buying a house. If one person is for it and the other is against it, then I feel like instead of trying to convince each other 24-7 that one is right and one is wrong, I would encourage each one or encourage your spouse to go talk to the people that, that, like, you trust within your circles. So whether it's, like, your therapist or, like, a counselor or a friend that you, like,

really respect or someone that you know has both of your best interested heart, not, like, the wife's best friend, because the wife's best friend's been like, yeah, just go buy the house. But, like, someone that you, like, for us, it would be, like, a therapist or a counselor or your pastor at your church or something. And, like, go talk to people that are going to, like, I don't know, kind of like guide you in the right direction because sometimes it is really hard to to hear from your spouse. Thank you for saying that. That's all I really wanted to be said. You didn't give me the time to do that.

All I really wanted to be said is it's really hard to hear that from your spouse. Because I think that me and your other man, your therapist, probably had a lot of the same thoughts and a lot of the same challenges. But sometimes I truly just believe, and it's not you. It's not your fault. I think that this is a true biological husband and wife thing that wives do not want to hear certain things from their husbands. But Jordan, like. Male produce in the room.

Okay. He's 50-50. But the thing is, is I wanted to talk to you about this. But you know how you would get like, you know how you would get when it was brought up. Yeah, no. You were not like... Well, you're just blown up your life. I was like, why are we blown our lives again? Yeah, but you were not easy to communicate with.

Yeah, no, the first time. Yeah, I mean, lots of times. I know. It like literally created... Like a visceral reaction. Like my nervous system, like... Yeah, it's like when your stomach does... Yeah, when your stomach does like a flip-flop. Yeah, and like my blood pressure and like my hands are like shaking.

And like, that is how visceral my... reaction to this reality TV show was. I know. And so that's why that we couldn't talk about it. I know. But my question is like, and then we can move on is like, first of all, I'm so proud of you for processing this on on your own and working with your therapist and being receptive to the feedback and criticism and other input from other people. So so proud of you to the conclusion that you came to, I believe it was the right one and not just because it was what I felt, but I'm proud of you for doing it on your own. I'm going to leave it at that. I'm going to leave on a high note. Okay. Yeah. No, I'm going to leave at that. I'm proud of you. Okay. Wow. It was big, right? That's what I learned at Sad Camp.

I do want to talk about Sad camp. Sad camp. That's what we all called it. But before we do, let's see if there was anything else that we wanted to catch up on. Disney? A lot of moms against Disney. Yeah. I don't know. Have we seen a shift? Because I'm assuming when I was gone, you didn't let Disney in the room. Yeah, I've been true. I went full on. She's been so nice today. No, I went full on Miss Rachel while you were gone. Honestly, I'm seeing it.

Well, but here's the thing. I'm not saying Miss Rachel is best either. I honestly don't know. But Miss Rachel teaches. Oh, yeah. That's going to create a whole other slew comments. But Miss Rachel teaches them like letters and numbers. and I watched all the episodes with it was great. They're just like singing phonics. Yeah. Phonics.

You know, like I was jamming too. I feel like the kids were actually learning their alphabet. Yeah. It's boring though. It's kind of like a little trippy when you start watching it. I know. It's like,

why can't I stop? It's like cocoa melon with all those colors. It's like addicting. Yeah. So I thought we had another really like sweet conversation that meant a lot to me since you got home. Do you know what it was? Oh, the one.

where you said you've never talked to me like that before? Oh no I wasn't doing like that. Oh. He talked to me really nice when I, I said, well, you never talked to like that before. No, this was different. Um, this was a conversation that we had about breastfeeding. Yes. No, this was the same day, to be clear. Yeah. You're on a roll. I was on a freaking role. Do you want to tell them about that one? Coming off my high of sad camp. What? Do you want to tell them about that conversation? Um, yeah, you know, I think we'll get into this, but I think the gist of the pattern and the two conversations that we had was that I wasn't, I wasn't coming to you trying to defend myself. I was like so secure in my place in our relationship that I was actually able to understand and love you

more sincerely and more selflessly than you had probably experienced in the past like three years. do you know, say the exact, like what the breastfeeding conversation was? The breastfeeding. The pregnancy one. Why don't you? Because I don't, I kind of left on a high note and I don't want to butcher it. Okay.

So, um, we had a sweet conversation because I felt like, um, the past year or so being so sick with this pregnancy and then also having the flu 10 times. Um, there were a lot of times that it was really. easy for Jordan to feel like frustrated because I was always sick or I was always nauseous from being pregnant or and I think in that because of other things as well he started to like lose empathy for me and it was more so just like annoying when I was throwing up yeah and resentment and it was more annoying than like when I was throwing up pregnant than like oh she's pregnant poor thing. So over time, it was really hard for me because I was like, man, like, I'm pregnant. I'm

growing this child. Every single day, like my feet are killing me. My back is killing me. And I don't feel like my husband like feels for me. Like, I don't feel like he, like, I feel like he's more annoyed than he is like, good job, babe. Keep growing that child or that baby, you know? Or like appreciative for the sacrifices that women make when they're pregnant. Like, it's a lot. And, And so I kind of knew that happened pregnant. But then I was like, can I tell you I kind of feel that way about like breastfeeding now? Because, you know, when I'm pumping to out, it's it's three hours a day when you're just pumping. That's or feeding.

That's not like burping the baby or washing the parts or storing the milk. So it's like really probably about four hours a day that you are breastfeeding. If you times that, time seven, it's like 28 hours a week that you. you are breastfeeding a baby. Like it is a lot of work. And I feel like sometimes I was like, I think it's more annoying to Jordan than it is like, thanks for feeding our child, like keeping our child alive. Or, you know, like Stratton had really bad constipation issues whenever he was a baby. And I always felt guilty about not being able to breastfeed him. And with Summit, I'm able to breastfeed him and I'm like doing really well. But you almost like need someone cheering

you on because it's so hard because it's so easy to just like throw in the towel. Kind of like having that unmedicated birth. Like it'd be so easy to just like, you know. And so I got to tell Jordan, I'm just like, I don't, I don't know if you like feel for me. Like I don't know if you like care or. No, you actually asked me, did I have any empathy for you during pregnancy? During pregnancies, like like the first and second. And I admitted to you that like, like probably the first, but like the second and third, no. Like I struggled with empathy towards you because, and it's so complicated.

I don't know how much we've talked about, even in the I blew up my life episode, but it's like, it was so hard to separate what was just naturally you struggling through a pregnancy, which should be like adored and like, you know, every wife who's pregnant should be treated like a goddess.

But it was like, it was compounded with you pushing yourself really hard and, you know, you getting sick and getting the flu. And so like I resented your drive that I felt led you into these sickness cycles because I felt like it was your choice, you know? And so it's hard to separate those decisions away from just you naturally being fragile because you're pregnant, you know. And so then what you experience from me was like the resentment that I had towards you for the choices and you were and then it compounded your resentment back at me because you're like he doesn't even care that I'm like hurting hurting or raising his child or feeding his child or you know whatever yeah that was tough

but I was honest with you yeah and a big part of sad camp for me was facing those resentments that I had and leaving in the past and so I think that when I came back from Sadcamp, like, so much of it for me was being able to like just love you. And I think you felt it. Like you felt it really deeply. Like in our first conversation when you were like, I don't, you haven't talked to me like that before. And then you felt it from my genuine ability to be like, hey, I didn't appreciate you during this third pregnancy. And I didn't empathize with you well. And like, I'm sorry. And I. And I. so understand how hard it is and like thank you for the sacrifices that you've made as a mother.

Thank you. My boobs will never look the same. I appreciate that. I mean, they look great. Oh my God. The stretch marks are just, it's depressing. I thought that those were just the no. There were stretch marks? I thought they were veins. No, the purple. I don't know if those go away either. I don't know. I don't want to Google it because I think they're going to be bad. Anyway. Interesting. We'll look at those later. I have not noticed them. Or maybe I just am like we're in a breastfeeding state. I don't know. I'm so excited about this next ad. Y'all know I've been on a health cake since 2024 and part of this journey is upping my protein intake every day. As I'm sure you've heard, Danny mentioned how much protein I eat in a day on the podcast. You could say it's a lot and

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You're on every turn, and this is a great way to do it. Plus, O-Positive has something for every woman, no matter what stage of life she's in. They are there to support you. Take proactive care of your health and head to O-P-P-O-P-O-P-C-com slash Janie or enter Danny at checkout for 25% off your first purchase. That's O-P-O-P-O-S-I-T-I-I-V-com slash Janie for 25% off. Yeah, so, yeah, I guess we could do like a little recap on that I Blow Up My Live Episode and then you can talk more about Side Camp.

Yeah, I don't know if what we talk about on these podcasts is confusing to people because it's so hard to understand the history of the past like couple years. I don't think it's confusing. I've gotten a lot of DM saying it's so relatable. Really? What parts are relatable? I blew up my life episode. I think like a lot of working moms or moms that, honestly, not even working mom. I'm sorry. Like just moms in general struggle with the same thing. Yeah. You know, because I think that something I talked about my Instagram story is like there's this culture of like females girl bosses where it is like you're a little girl and then your parents are like, Danny, you're going to be a doctor. You're going to be a lawyer. You're going to get into. the school and then you're going to dream, you're going to do big things. And then so like you do those things, you go to school, you start hustling, you start achieving

everything you ever dreamed of. And for me, I achieved more than I ever dreamed of. I got to a point where I didn't even know where else to dream. I was like, things I didn't even know were possible were coming to my door. Like I was, it was so much. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm doing it. I'm doing it big. Like I can't stop. I'm, you know. But no one ever ever. talks about their transition from success to contentment. Everyone talks about the hustle to success. Yeah. And but no one ever talks about like just being. And like then so then you get the success. And then you're like, wait, I'm here. Where are we going now? I'm up. I'm up here at the top. And then you're just like, this isn't as good as I thought it was going to be. And everybody always

told me my entire life, especially all the girls on Instagram, everyone coming out these courses about how to grind and how to get your email newsletters out and how to increase your sales and how to grow in followers and how to get more likes and you take all this information and you apply it. You do it and you're killing it. And then you're like, wait, I'm so empty. And how do I transition from this insane success that everyone around me is telling me is it to actually taking steps back and going back down the mountain, taking steps and like taking a couple hits and being content? Like, how do you let go when you've acquired and grasped so much? It's really hard to let go because you're scared that you're going to lose it and everybody around you is like,

I wish I could do what you're doing. How do you do it all? And you're like, I'm not. I'm drowning. And so that letting go to contentment is the stage in the transition that like I'm in right now. Yeah. You take a hit on every aspect. You take a hit in how much time you spend on yourself. Like even like having time to like shop and put together outfits, you have less time in how much like I work so like my bank account is not the same. I different times like with my friends like everything is different now. And but it was hard because you had to let go. You have to be okay with it. It's kind of declining. But it's not really declining because it's actually more fulfilling. So you're actually going higher up than on. So. Can I ask a couple questions about this?

Because I'm I processed it a lot more since that episode. And I was actually having a couple conversations about this at Sadcamp. And it was like, um, it's not really called sad camp. He called it Sad Camp. We all called it Sad Camp. We're all sad there. But so this girl boss era, like, I feel like another nuance that wasn't really talked about in that era is the role that a mother plays to the children that like wasn't factored into this girl boss equation. Right. So, like, people, didn't like they forgot about yeah that part of the equation yeah because because what i feel like danny and i started to realize um and what this was a big part of my resentment is that before we had kids i was the biggest feminist out there i was like yeah hell yeah like go achieve like go do

go break the glass ceiling like i was so behind you and i was so proud and i still am proud and i think you were proud of yourself but the variable that is very rarely talked about is there is a role that the mother plays in the home and in the children's lives that cannot be replicated. You can't replicate it with nannies. You can't replicate it with the dad. You can't replicate it. Like the mother is the heart of the home. And I feel like that is kind of what hit you to is like you, you had this like divine calling that you felt and you felt a conviction for. Like, I need to be home and I need to play this role in my kids' lives. And you knew it even better than I knew it, but I felt that it was kind of off. It was like tugging at me so much,

but I couldn't let go. Yeah. And so, and because like this whole other part of society is like, go do, go be, go excel, like go, you don't need no man, like all of this kind of stuff. And just through our story, I've realized how destructive in some ways, that girl boss era really was. On moms. On moms. And, you know, on families, I would say, too. And in some ways on marriages.

Now, like, what am I saying and what I'm not saying? I'm not saying that I don't support you working at all. Like, I'm here. I'm in the podcast. Like, you know, I help you film some stuff. Like, I love that you work and that you love to work. Right. But I don't, that balance is probably got to be so hard to find, like,

as women. Because when you came back from your break, you very specifically were like, well, I don't want to like over pendulum swing on the other side either and lose my entire identity and my entire sense of self and ambition in my kids either. It's so hard. It's so messed up. Like, and it's so crazy. And I will give it to you, like as I process this, I will give it to you and to other females that men don't have this same societal pressure. Like, are job is to protect and to provide. And like, we get to go work and, you know, mom takes care of the kids. But I think that you also, like, innately feel that. Yeah, it's like that, like that's what you're designed. And, you know, people are not going to like me saying that, but I really do feel like it's a

biological design to want to go and love your family by providing and protecting and creating stability within the home. And I think it's like part of your biological design to love and to nurture and to create the culture of the home and be present in like the way that you blew up your life and the dynamic and the culture of our home before that and now is totally different. Yeah. In the best way. And we see it in our kids. We see it in our marriage. Because people tricked me. Like people. People tricked me. No, I'm serious. Like female entrepreneurs online. Like, I don't want to name them, but like I could probably name five that I aspired to be like that all had kids. And they write these books about how they do all these amazing things and how they have kids. And it's all BS. Like, I'm sorry. There is no way

that they were the moms that they wanted to be and the like CEOs or entrepreneurs that they wanted to be. Like I'm telling you, I tried it. It's literally not possible. Something had to give. And like, like, there was just, there's just no way. And like, I'm not saying you, maybe you can find that balance for a couple months, maybe for a year or two. But like there's, it's, they both require 100% of you, really. If you want to do them well. Like, if you want to excel, like really, really well. And so, yeah. And I think it breaks my heart the most that like, like moms that just want to be moms, like that they are not treated like CEOs, like these famous CEOs. Fortune, you know, 500 companies. Like, it is by far the hardest job I've ever had. And I've had some pretty tough gigs. I've done some live TV stuff. I've done some really high pressure stuff. And this, that being a mom is like, I mean, it's so much more than all at that. Being a stay at home mom, no help is the hardest job. Yeah. I mean, but I'm not even staying stay at home. Like just being the mom that you want to be. Like whether you're, it's just hard. And so,

Yeah, so I just wish that that was like celebrated more too. Can I make an observation too? Yeah. I feel like a big thread of the hater community towards influencers is like you are creating an unrealistic depiction of motherhood and working and all this stuff by not being transparent about. Well, I post about my nannies and people shit on me all the time because I'm being honest. I'm like, they all have nannies. okay. They just hide their nannies. They all have nannies. It's kind of been like a big full circle loop for me to be like, I kind of side with the haters on this. Like I think it's like if you are like,

they tricked me, they being like the books that you read and these aspirational entrepreneurs, I feel like. You only see one side. It's one dimensional. Right. But I think that the haters feel that the influencers tricked them too. I get that. I mean, I, I, I get that. Okay. So I'm part of the problem. Sorry. So we make amends.

We make amends. We realize. Here's the thing though. That's why the podcast is called de-influence. We're here to deconstruct. But here's the thing. I get confused with that because I get people DM me all the time. They're like, I would never want to live the way that you live.

You're like, you look miserable. I'm so tired. You're like, I was. I blew my life. They like, they like, they like, watch. because it's like the shit show that they can't take their eyes off of. Yeah, they're like, dude, this girl's just got to stop. And honestly, now that like we've seen the other side, I will sometimes like be in yours and

I'll like watch other influencers who are like grinding it. And like, I know the grind if I see it. And they're like getting sick and I'm like, they haven't seen, they haven't seen the light yet. Yeah. And I mean, you just really never know though through the screen. You can't judge from the, from the Instagram stories. But, yeah. So Jordan's going to go join the Reddit page.

Like, hey guys, it's me. Yeah, she sucks. Yeah, we do suck. We're a bunch of monsters over here. No, I really would love to. I think that they would appreciate if I was like, I'd be like, hey, first of all, like, I'm happily married with three kids. I'm not gay. Second of all, like, I agree with you guys.

I'm sorry. You're like, I come in peace. Yeah, I come in bees. We are friends. We are friends. What? They, I don't think. If they didn't have me and you to hate, I don't know what they would do on a Saturday at 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

So, you're welcome. So you're welcome. We have a very, what do they call it, symbiotic? We need you and you need us. Listen, we need each other. We're an ecosystem. You have to keep Danny angry, you know. You all know I love luxury items, but want to know what I love even more.

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Rocketmoney.com slash Danny. Yeah. So basically that was the episode. I had said in 2024, I've looked at the mom I was, the mom I wanted to be. I like visualize them and thought, wow. this is so different than who I am and how can I get there? I don't know. Let me blow my life. And so that's what I did. And I took two months off and did a crap ton of therapy and read a lot and learned a lot and just really tried to change. And if anyone has ever actually tried to change,

like let's say you're a selfish person and you want to become, you know, selfless and you want to serve people. It is so hard to actually change. Yeah. Like to change your behaviors in the ways that you think. It actually does require like a higher power. Like it kind of requires you to ask God to also help you change. Because let me tell you, it's almost impossible without God. Like it's, you really have to be like, God, will you help guide me and rely on him and go to him like every single day and surrender every single day and start your day like in prayer and remembering who you want to be because like otherwise you wake up the next day, you're right back to your old habits. It's 32 years of living the same way. How am I going to change that without God? It's a miracle

that I was able to. So I'm telling you, that's how I know God is real. And so, so yeah, I just talked about that I worked on changing. And I really do have a different relationship with myself. I have a different relationship with Jordan, with my kids, with work, with social media, with everything in my life. It's so funny. Like Jordan came home and he got in bed and he turned on the TV and I was like, yeah, yeah, no, we don't watch TV anymore. Like not get the cool thing to do. Like we read at night. Like we, you know, like we journal. We do this. Like now when I have a problem and I have feelings that are like, I usually would go to Jordan and I'd tell him immediately. Or I would like, yeah, just bring all this crap and like lay it on him.

And now I have like probably five people in my phone that I call. And they know literally everything about my life. And so I process it with them first. And then I talk about what my plan is. And then I go do my plan. Like it's just so I just approach life differently. And right now I have those five people that I'm relying on. Two of them I pay.

like three of them I don't. So, you know, it's like that type of thing. But like then it's developing these like muscles in me. And like this first year I'm going to take it really seriously. I even told some there's like some personal people in my life that I have conflict with. And I'm like if we want to have a big conversation about our feelings, the only way I'm going to do it is if we have like a third party. Like we sit down with a counselor or something because I have learned from my bad habits. that like I can't communicate with you well.

Like so let's just not do it anymore. Let's learn like if we're going to move forward. Let's do it differently, you know? And so yeah, I just want to do things differently for a year. And I think that like I'll look back and be like, wow, I just did it and I wasn't even thinking about it. I just changed. Like, you know. So anyway, that's kind of where I was at.

And then Jordan started making little comments. He was like, wait, I need to go back. I need to get away. Well, so welcome to part two. And this part two is how I blew up my life. Yeah, I'm glad that you recapped because I think it helped me figure out where to go with this. But I think that all throughout that time, you know, I really developed a lot of resentment towards you. Because because I felt like I said it earlier, but I felt like you kept, you know, I was constantly, being like, here's an out, you know, or let's, hey, read this book, Atomic Habits.

You would buy me all these books and like, and I hated that. And I'd be like, hey, like, here's how I manage my life. Like, maybe this will help you. Or like, at worst times, I would, you know, literally intervene on levels of like, setting up new calendar processes like in your phone or like, yeah, I'm going to reorganize the apps on your phone because I feel like you're really stressed out by these apps. And like I would be too. that like life coach guy that was like business coach wherever i heard a life coach guy and danny went to one session and then we backed out i was like get me that out of here and i was like i was like what do you

want out of your life and i was like i don't know yeah you were like stressed out by the exercise and i was like hey sorry man like i try like this isn't going to work but i literally in like my this is my story like i feel like i was doing everything to prevent the train from going off the tracks And ultimately, the train just had to go off the tracks. And so when Danny blew up her life and came back, I really did start noticing a lot of changes in her. And I was like, okay, she's like trying to be a new person and she's growing and like her patterns are changing and she's not as like focused on social media. But I was still so angry. Yeah.

And I was so resentful towards you. and I, I, I hated you. Like, I, I did. I, I, like, yeah, no, it's okay. Like, we're okay. I went to side camp. So she's pregnant with our third child. And I already feel like, you know, she doesn't know how to balance and carry the load with our current two children because she's wrestling with this. And so I'm like, now I'm going to have a third child. And I feel like I'm going to be the one holding the bag with this new child and like trying to keep it all together. And I just felt like I was the glue. And you'd probably agree that I was the glue. Like, I shouldn't have been the glue. I made myself the glue, but you accepted me as the glue. You've already talked about all this. Okay, go on.

And so you come back and you start changing. And the changes that you were making were every change I've ever wanted to see in life. Like every change I've wanted to see in life. Like you were an awesome mom. And, you know, I felt like I could feel at peace. But there was just these like resentments that I was having so much. trouble letting go of. Like, it was hard for me to see you as a new Danny. It's almost like annoying too, probably. Yeah, I'm like, okay, like you blow up your life. Yeah, you come back. Yeah, you could, like, I just go to us to a therapist who wanted to like map out the next 10 years of our life and you made me cancel it. Like, I just, I was a little bit resentful even of the

changes because I was like, where you been like the past three years? Like, I gave you atomic habits. Like, now you're freaking reading it. It's like, it's the funniest thing. It's like the thing I kind of, I feel in a much more reserved way, but it's the same thing I felt with the reality TV show conversation like 20 minutes ago where it's like, you come to the same conclusion, but it's on your crazy roundabout path. And I'm like, hey, I've been here the whole time being like, hey, this thing is going off the tracks. And so I blew up my life and I decided that I needed to go away. And we had been in marriage counseling and trying to work through these things. And, you know, a lot of what our marriage counselors did was put, pointed the

finger back at me. Like, I for so long was able to point the finger at Danny and be like, you're so unhealthy. You, you don't listen to anybody about yourself. Like, you're doing all these things. And then you changed. And you were doing all the right things. And I still had my finger pointed at you. And our marriage counselors kept being like, hey, Jordan, like, why are you pointing the finger at Danny? what is your part in this? And I was like, I don't have a part in this. Like, I'm awesome. I'm amazing.

I've been trying to give her the warning sign since day one. You're like, I eat the same thing. Everything I'm the same thing. I'm the most perfect, like, rigid. Consistent person over. And, you know, they threw a couple different sessions, ultimately were like, hey, like, what if you have a part in this too? And at first I was pissed about that.

hated that. I was so angry. It's like, who do you guys think you are? And then it like started to dawn on me that I was still wrestling with these angry feelings I had towards you, even though you're being so sweet and you're planning date nights and you were such a good mom. Like I couldn't, I couldn't let him go. And it was one of our, it was the female therapist that we meet with for marriage counseling. And she was like, hey, Jordan, like, I think you should go to this place called Onsite. And I'd heard of it. like through the great vine, a lot of like, you know, content creators, you know, I've heard a couple like celebrities talk about it and it's in Tennessee and she was like, you know, I went and it

changed my life. Because in their marriage, she is also what's called the codependent. And I wrote down some definitions of codependency because I think it's helpful. Co-dependency says, I have to take care of you, in my case, Danny, so that Dan Danny will take care of me. Codependency is, I wrote this passage in my journal at OnSight. I so desperately wanted to take care of Danny, create health and happiness so that she would be able to take care of me too. This is where it was selfish. It was me begging for her to meet my needs.

Resentment brewed when the more that I gave, the more I tried, the more I tried to, to fix the less I actually got. The more broken our family seemed to get because my formula and my role in the formula was messed up. Does that make sense? So on site. Can I give like a little example? Yeah. Let's talk about some examples. I was, I had, I get really bad post-barren depression and I haven't this go around. And with Stella, I remember I was really struggling. And I was. And I was, to the point where I was in bed all day and I was sleeping like 12 hours every night and then I would take another two-hour nap. And we didn't know what depression was.

I'd never seen a psychiatrist or taking a medication before. Like I had no idea. And Jordan, like that's probably when it really started. He was like hated to see me down like that. So he tried to fix it. And he started getting our groceries delivered, hiring all these people around us. we hired our first nanny then. He just tried to fix everything.

And like it kept, he tried to put me in this bubble to protect me from everything. And it actually ended up like he was, his heart was in the right place. I mean, maybe you were actually, you didn't realize that you were doing it for selfish reasons so that I could get better so that I could take care of you.

Yeah. At the time. The selfishness, just talk about the examples because the selfishness is like the deep track. It's like that. It takes a while to understand that. Yeah. So,

but, but he tried to like fix. it immediately, but it actually ended up making me sicker because it wasn't Danny, like, coming to these realizations and learning, like, oh, I'm depressed and take care of myself and get myself out of this and, and like deal with it head on. It was Jordan trying to come in and fix everything. And so it actually just kept me in bed longer. Like, well, it enabled you. It enabled me. So, for example, the groceries were delivered. So I didn't have to get out of bed and put on my clothes and get out the front door and get like, like, it. And get, like, it enabled. And,

like in the sun and go accomplish something that made me feel good about my self-esteem, my self-worth. Instead, someone came over and did it for me, which a lot of people would be so grateful for, but it wasn't, like, to me, it didn't, after a while, didn't feel like acts of love. It felt like I didn't have the space to be sick or to struggle. Like, it felt like, oh, my gosh, I'm sick again. I have to hide it from Jordan because I'm so scared, like, that he's going to react and freak out and get anxious about it. And it would also. Trigger Jordan. Like if I was ever sick, he would be in a horrible mood. And so instead of being like, oh, you're sick, like you have a fever, it would be like frustration. Like,

yeah, because in my mind, I was like, oh my gosh, like I've done so, like I'm exhausted. I've done, I put in so much work trying to prevent and fix. Like, and it, like, how does this keep failing? Right. Like, how does all of my actions still not leave me with this place where like she can. and take care of me too. And I really want to pause for a second because this is like really important, I think, for our predominantly female audience to listen to because I guarantee you that there are so many other husbands out there that are like this. The perspective from a husband, and I know this because a lot of my friends are like, dude, that's so me. A lot of the perspectives that I have as a husband was I felt that to be a good husband meant that I reduced the friction

or stress or sadness or anything that my wife was feeling. I felt to be a good husband meant I don't want my wife to lift a finger. I don't want her to stress about anything. And I think it's an actual perspective that is heralded by our society. But it has a toxicity to it. Think about it if you have a 13-year-old and you prevent your 13-year-old from filling out their own applications or doing anything or doing their own laundry, what are you actually doing? Yes, you are getting to say, I am such a good person for pouring into this child.

But what you're actually doing is you're taking away their ability to create autonomy, to learn, to fail, to develop grit, to feel a sense of identity and agency. Does you feel good about themselves? Yes, you take away their agency. And that is the very nature of codependency, which is, I am going to do all of this. And the hidden secret side is, because I thought I was like, oh my gosh, I'm A plus husband. I am so amazing. Danny should be so appreciative and she's not. And therefore I hate her, but like someone else will be.

And like all of these intrusive thoughts keep creeping in because you're like, I'm awesome. You're sick. And you can't do anything about it. What I didn't see is that I was doing. all of those things because I actually was just trying to get my needs met. Right? So that is like, it's so important to really understand the definition of codependency through the rest of the story. That makes sense? Okay, now what were we going to say? I was just going to think of, I was going to say, what are some other examples? I mean, those are like the big ones in our business, you know, I would say,

you know, and I think codependency is pretty rampant. I was talking to my, they call them guides, which is basically like my one-on-one therapist at OnSight. I was explaining to her in our industry and how our industry works. And she was like the way that she kind of described health in a relationship is she laid three hulu hoops on the ground. So on the right side is Jordan and Jordan's needs and Jordan's desires and Jordan's goals. And on the left side was Danny, Danny's needs and Danny's goals. And then right there in the middle was a hula hoop that overlap just a little bit with Danny's and Jordan's side.

So that like enough to where I could keep one foot in the middle of our relationship and our marriage and then one foot on the right side, which is Jordan. And you could have your feet in each other's. And she said, codependency is basically when Jordan leaves his hula hoop to go worry about Danny's needs so that his needs over here can be taken care of. So if Danny is sad or expresses any anything. sadness whatsoever, Jordan leaves his hula hoop and says, oh my gosh, babe, what's wrong? Let's talk about it. Hey, I feel like you're not good. Are you good? Hey, what's up? What's up? And it's not caring.

And it's not giving you space. And what it is is it's saying, I'm uncomfortable with your feelings. And so I don't want you to be sad because it makes me anxious and it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. That's codependency, right? But our industry, and I think that we're, where we were really challenged by codependency is if you look at the nature of our work early on, not the past two years after we started Divi, but early on, the brand is you. The brand is your happiness. The brand is keeping you happy so that you can display yourself on the internet, right? You had a whole team whose entire job was to reduce your stress and reduce your friction

because the machine ran off of you, right? So when I talk about like my role, there's a time where I was like, man, we did what we did and we were healthy and it was pre-kids, right? Because there were no consequences. But then post-kids, what happened was there was like an imbalance in our life. And that's when I started to feel like I was complicit in, this is strong words, but I was like, I told, I've been telling my therapist for years, I feel, I felt complicit in Danny's demise. Because I felt like if I'm coached, dependent and my job, my literal job, not this job I'm giving myself as a husband and what it means to be a good husband, but my literal job is to keep this person happy and producing content and, you know, on the internet, like, it's ripe for just creating these bad patterns between husband and wife. Does that make sense? Tracking so far. So I think, like, it's funny, I won't name their names, but like so many guys in our industry who are husbands, are like struggling with this very concept because they're like, ah, health is really hard to

figure out what that looks like when the economics are literally tied to your wife's health or her not feeling sad or her not doing this. Like you mix up these roles of like to be a good CEO, I keep the machine moving, which is the antithesis of me giving you space to feel sad. and being okay and at peace with you feeling sad or angry or letting you fail, et cetera. So far? Yeah. So I went to OnSight because I was aware slightly that I had a role in Danny blowing up her life. But I had no idea how massive a role I had.

Just a blowing up my life or in like all of the sickness. I knew that I was codependent and I had identified that that was a problem. I knew that I had some role to play and I knew that my lack of ability to acknowledge my role to play and where our lives have developed the past four years was keeping me angry and resentful towards you. And I knew that I wasn't going to be able to get out of that resentment and anger until I owned my part in it. Yeah. And I think that before you went, I struggled a lot with, the blame. Like, I felt, um, I was like, what's the point like with even trying to, sometimes I felt this way. Um, like, what's the point? Like, I'm trying so hard to get

healthy and do and like be well. And like, I thought if I focused on myself, everything would trickle into place. And I was like, man, I'm not getting that love or empathy. I thought I was even get Jordan. There was a funny, um, I don't know if you ever like really thought about this again if you think this is a stupid example. But the day before you left, he took his back out. Like, he heard his back. Yeah. And he was at the gym.

And you came home so angry because you were working out with this guy that was helping you and telling you exactly how much to lift and whatever. And he was so angry about this situation. And can I say that you were blaming? Yeah. Okay. So he was so angry with his trainer. And he comes home and he's like, I can't believe he made me do this new exercise.

We've never done this before. He put more weight on me. Like I told him I wasn't feeling it. Like I told him that like I wasn't really mentally there. Like I'm just so angry he did that. And then he was really mad at the time. So I didn't say anything. And I was like, oh yeah, that sucks.

You know. And then throughout the day he would say something again, be like, man, I can't believe that trainer. He made me do that. Like I'm just so annoyed. I leave tomorrow, whatever. And then at dinner, we sat at the bar. so his back was like still hurting. And he's like, yeah, I mean, he just made me do that exercise.

And I'm like, hey, babe, like, you're saying that like he forced you to do the exercise. Like, you know, you're the one that lifted the weight. And you're the one that put yourself in that position. And you're the one that did the squat. And you're the one that hurt yourself. And if you didn't want to be doing that because you knew that you weren't in a good place, you could have told him that you didn't want to do that. But you did it to yourself.

It's not his fault. No, it's a great analogy to like... But it was so funny because it was the day before you were leaving and I was like... Well, the other challenge in the dynamic, I think the past couple years with you is like, I think your blame is louder, right? So like codependency is like a very subtle lurking sickness. And it is a sickness, to be clear. Like your call it workaholism was a sickness.

My codependency was a sickness. yours was just louder. You could physically see the effects of your patterns in your health, in our family, et cetera. Like, mine just was so subtle and masked in this like, I love you. I'm doing everything for you. Fake altruism. And like from the outside, I was a hero. And you just don't understand the control layers and the selfishness to it. And there's one other part of it not to make it more complicated, but like I was, I did have three pregnancies in five years or four years. Yeah, we, well, we had two businesses blow up, two under two, and then another child arrive, and then you blew up your life. Yeah. So there was a part of me

that was like, I, I am also struggling with like just being sick from these pregnancies in trying to uphold the team that I have or the requirements that I have that, like, also. And, I am also, also feed at the time some of these businesses. So I put a lot of pressure on myself for that too. So there was like a whole other element of the complication. So I went to a place called OnSight and it's really hard to explain, but I will start by saying I would trade every single dollar we have ever made to have gone to this place. Wow. It absolutely, I was there for five days and it was the most life-changing five days I've ever experienced in my life. And I think all other 32 members that were there, too, would say the exact same thing. And most people who leave it say the same thing. And a lot of people

are there. So on site is big on this idea of like a two degree shift. You know, you can go in there for any reason. There were people there who were eating disorders. Eating disorders. Some were alcoholics, some were like, I'm just stuck at my job. And the program is called like living centered. And the whole idea of it is like you go in and you might not even have clarity on what the problem is, but I guarantee you by day one, you will know what the problem is. The coolest thing about this place is it's deep in the wilderness of Tennessee. So you are remote. They take away your phones. They don't let you say your last name and you're not allowed to talk about what you do. they are very good at very quickly stripping you down to exactly who God made you to be

or forcing you to be who you are and were made to be versus what you do. Okay. So it's hard to explain how that creates a culture and environment, but it immediately creates intimacy with every single other person that you're there with because you can't fall back on, oh, you know, what do you do? That's so true. It's everyone's like scapegoat. And so, you know, I'm trying to figure out how much, like, I would want to share about the process. Like, but they set you up with what's called a guide and a guide is there to help guide you through why you're there, even if you don't know why you're there. You know, my experience ended up being threefold. One was, you know, talking about my childhood of origin. So childhood and the patterns and the hardwiring that was created there.

And then it was talking about my current home, i.e. my, my, my resentments, my feelings, my, all the things that I went there for regarding my current home with Danny. And then we had like a third sheet, which was like a new marriage, right? So very quickly, my, I thought I went in there to learn how to forgive Danny and to just get back to the way things were. You know, and that's what I had kind of been mourning to is like, when you blew up our lives, like there was kind of a morning aspect to it too where I was like, man, like, if the train didn't go off the tracks, like we had it so good. Like, you know, and it wasn't, to be clear, but I, in my mind, it was a morning process of like letting it go. And my guide very quickly was like, hey, like, what if the purpose of you being here is not to go back to, you know, the marriage that was, but to create something totally new, a new Danny and a new Jordan and a new marriage. And I was like dope. I'm down for that. Like I like that. That was like my my path. And you know, the funniest thing about on site is they really do this thing called

psycho, is it psychotherapy or psychodrama therapy? And it's a lot of like a lot of like sort of roleplay. And like, you know, they use a lot of props. Like I spent more time talking to. Little Jordan, which was a stuffed teddy bear than I ever thought I would going into there. And I would like literally hold him. I would just literally hold Little Jordan and we would just hang out. And like the whole purpose was like to help me understand my inner child and to understand where the inner child was wounded and then be able to heal that inner child so that my adulthood could be more you know, complete. There was one exercise. Did you want me to talk about this? Yeah. There was one exercise where again, she likes to.

love these hula hoops. She put the hula hoops down and in one circle it was like put a characteristic of Jordan that you believe his character has. And I wrote consistency. I put it in one circle. Like I eat chicken for every meal. Three raw eggs. And then the second circle was a friend that knows you well and who has been impacted by you. And I, I put, you know, Devin or Miles. And then the third. You're like, shout out besties. And then the third was what you call your higher power.

And I put God. And what you do is, you know, you have to speak as consistency to Jordan. So I step into the hula hoop. And I'm speaking as the characteristic of Jordan to myself and saying like things like, hey Jordan, like, you know, I'm consistency and I just appreciate the role that you played in the home and the way that you've been able to be stable and the glue for your wife and for your kids and to hold everything together. And I'm like speaking mostly what I wish I had heard from others, but I'm speaking to myself. And so I'm like, whatever, this is weird. What a weird exercise.

And you're like, I'm like, yeah, you're right. I'm so great. And then I spoke as, you know, friend. And it was like, hey, you know, thanks for helping us be better husbands by feeling it. It's like, you know, I literally said that. I was like, like, thanks for, you know, like helping us to understand ways that we can learn to be better husbands as you go through the brick wall first, essentially. And I think that they would say the same thing. It's like, I'm, we're ahead of the game, you know, and trying to figure all this out. And then it got to God. And I was like, first friend, I was like, silly.

Like, is this all the four days are going to be? Like, and then I got to God. And I tried to speak to myself on what like God would say to me. And I just lost it. I just broke down crying and I couldn't speak for like five minutes. And the guides there are so like gentle and like so understanding. And she helped me basically like, Actually, I wrote it down the cards.

I eventually said, Hey, Jordan, I know that you know that I created you. I love you, Jordan. I know sometimes it's hard for you to believe that I do. I appreciate your consistent dedication to your family, to breaking the cycle of generational sin in your home. And I know that you want to please me, but sometimes you try and do my job for me. And you don't have to do my job for me because I've got you.

Oh, that's beautiful. And I just, I died. I died crying. And it was pretty much four days of that. Like, I don't want to get into like, you know, everything. But you're just, you're packed into this, like, weird, sad. summer camp and you're on this like giant high because everyone's so broken. And I just will say that like I had never felt God move and repair and like change people's lives in such a tangible,

visible, like visceral way in my entire life. Like God was like literally in every single second of my time this past five days. And I called you, you know, at one point. And, a big part of like codependency, I think, is like not being honest about how you feel. And I got to like call and, you know, sort of tell you like how I was really feeling. And you were so, I was so scared to do that because I was like, my whole job as a codependent is to love you so that you'll love me. So if I tell you something bad that I'm feeling, then you won't be able to handle it. and then it will affect my ability to come home and feel peace, you know? And, you know, my guy did it with me and I told you some really hard stuff. And you were so grace-filled and, like, so amazing

about just, like, understanding. And then we got off the phone and my guide was like, that girl's doing the work. Like, that girl is like, I'm proud of her. She's, she's killing it. Like, she is, like, really working on herself. Um, yeah. I mean, So just so we don't leave the people with a cliffhanger here, was there a point where you turned the hatred into love? Yeah. Yeah. So that's where I was like.

Just so we don't leave the people hanging. That's where I was going to go with it. And, you know, I mean, also just say don't leave me on the cliffhanger. I, at the end of my time there, I had this, like, vision. And my vision was I just like, oh, that's great. crazy. There's our wedding picture. I had this vision of almost like reproposing to you and like, like, I had this vision of like a vow renewal ceremony. And we're having a party. It like, it like meant so much to me because when I saw this vision of like remarrying you and like being able to

like stand up at the altar again and even like reproposing to you, it. meant so much to me because it meant that in time, like, as we kind of both, like, work on ourselves and, like, become new people, we both will be presented with this opportunity to, like, let the old people go and re-fall in love with, like, these new versions of Danny and Jordan. And, like, I get to say, Danny's a totally different person than she was three years ago on the hamster wheel. And, like, I choose her and I love her. and you get to say... Yeah, I'm still the same.

It's still the same. Not like, it's different patterns. It's a total different, it's a totally different acclamation. You get to say like... I'm just a healthier, Danny, not a different thing. Yeah, healthier. Fine. And you get to say like, hey, my husband gives me space and I don't feel suffocated by him.

And he doesn't have these patterns that make me feel like I don't have any control of my own life. And you get to leave all of that. behind and all those resentments behind and say like, hey, I choose to love him to. And so, yeah, then we came home and my life was changed. And he loved me. And I handled two, two conversations the next day, pretty flawless, didn't I? You said, you said to me, you know, Danny was upset about something and she was bawling crying. And old Jordan would have like, well, it's because he told me he hated me. That was why. Wait, no, I didn't. I didn't hate you when I came back. But that's why.

I was healed. No, but that's why I, because here's the thing, you were healed, but I wasn't healed from those wounds. Oh, you're right, from those wounds. And you were upset again, and you were crying again. And old Jordan had been like, here we go again. No, when I tell you all, this kid had no empathy for me. No, I'm telling y'all, like, I could be bawling, crying.

Like, someone could have said the nastiest things to me. I could be throwing my guts up because I was pregnant. I could be having the worst, you know, gurd because I'm, you know, and he would be like, No, I would not roll my eyes. I would do the right thing, but you didn't feel it. You would do the right thing, but you didn't, but you did it out of like anger. I would do it. Like, it's like, this is what I.

Like, he'd go get the CDS medicine, but then like, it wasn't like, okay, like, I'm so sorry you're sick. Like, that sucks. Like, but you got this baby. Like you're growing her baby. Like whatever you need. Like you're doing, you're doing amazing. Like, here's medicine to help make you feel better.

Like the best way to describe is like every morning, we talked about this in the last podcast. If I missed Danny's coffee, she's forgotten. And so codependent Jordan would have been like, I have to wake. I have to wake up in the morning. I have to do this because if I don't do this, then Danny won't feel loved. And then she's going to be sad. And then it's going to make me anxious all day. have a busy day and I have to do this, right?

It's the breastfeeding era, yes. Right. Whereas I think like a post on-site Jordan would say, hey, I'm so grateful for my wife and I'm so grateful that she is like awake breastfeeding. And I would love to, as an overpouring of that, I would love to serve her and treat her like a queen. All there was need is forgiveness. So that's where we're at.

I blew up my life. Bye. Oh, the deep shit right now. I thought it was good. I mean, I feel like you're exhausted, but. Oh, these emotions. So much. Yeah.

But yeah, so now, Jordan, I mean, you made some really great friends there. You had some, you still have some really funny stories. They kind of encouraged you. This is what Jordan told me. They encourage you not to speak about it too much with your spouse. into like process for 30 days really because it's a lot to come home

and be like, I'm a different person, I hate you, now I love you. I have all these new friends. Baby, me, me, me, me, me. And then like, I don't know. I just like something. The first time. It's so real though.

The first time we all talked about it. We were like, we like, we like don't know what to leave and say. You're like no one's going to understand. Yeah, like no one's going to understand. So the first time that I talked to, like even when I, I talked to you on the phone for the first time after, like, you got your phone back.

I texted my, my therapist. And I was, and he was like, how did it go? I go, well, he's different. He's definitely different. He talks like a yogi now. And I put like the little, like, thing. Like, what if I, like, came back and I, like, had braids in my hair and I'm like, Namaste.

Literally. I was like, yeah, he's definitely different. But, yeah. So I'm sure I will learn more. And I like some of those exercises. I want you to do them on me. Who would you put in your hula hoops? What would be your character trait?

This is good. Let's see this. Okay. My character trait would be, what is it one that I definitely am or something? Yeah, a character trait of Danny that you think is good. I mean, I think I'm kind to a lot of people. Okay. Who's a friend that would say good things about you?

Oh, shit. I know. No, no, I'm kidding. I think a lot of my friends, maybe, let's just say Ellie. Okay. And then what do you call your higher power? God. Okay.

So now as kindness, I want you to speak to Danny about all the ways, all the roles that kindness plays in her life. I think I did that right. Or kindness speak to Danny about how. Hi, Danny. I'm kindness. This is how I play a role in your life. Sure. Yeah. What does kindness need to say to Danny? Kindness says, thank you for using me to care about a lot of people and to not make people feel less than.

And thanks for like seeing everybody as equal. That's very kind and making people's days better. and yeah, just thanks for that. I don't know. I'm like it at this. It's hard, right? What does Ellie say? Ellie says, I'm really proud of you. You're doing great.

I see you're listening and learning and trying your best and you're strong and you're an amazing mom and just I'm proud of you. Do you believe what kindness in Elle you're saying? Yeah. Do you? No, I do. Okay. What does God say?

I think God says, I'm so glad we're close again. I've been really missing you. We're doing well. I'm glad we checked in today. Don't forget about me tomorrow. That's me. That's good. It's good stuff.

I'm actually tired. I'm emotionally exhausted from this. Okay. Yeah, same. Well, man, I mean, we had a lot of other, like, crazy things kind of happened this week. Wait, we'll save for the next episode because this is so freaking low. This was a lot in of itself. I told you I didn't have to talk about it.

No, it's great. I'm so happy you did. I want to go. Huh? I want to go. No, you're for sure. Well, sorry. No, I want to talk to a little Danny.

Yeah. A little Danny has some problems. It will F you up. It's like that trend on. This place like Fs you up. It's like, I'm sorry. I'm getting really annoyed when people are doing them. But it's like, I went to coffee with the younger cell.

She showed a plate. I was on time. Like, you know, everyone, everyone does that. Like she was frousled, wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I was wearing sweats and pants. and like she didn't know what like her life was going to be. She was so stressed out. I was content and at peace.

Like, have you seen those? Yeah. I like, I don't want to be controlling and codependent, but I would love for you to go here. Oh, okay. Like, I, like, I'm breastfeeding, babe. No, no, not right now. I don't even think they have an opening, but like. No, send me away.

Some midway to side camp. I will spice in that place up. I'll bring kindness. It's so funny because you think like you're going to bring something to it. It's going to bring something to you. No, I know. I know it would. It would break me down for sure.

I want to talk to Little Danny. My issue that I had to work on that I could probably still work on a lot is the little Danny never feeling good enough. Oh, yeah. She never felt good enough or pretty or smart or anything. That's why she had to perform. That's why I'm an Instagrammer. That's why I'm an influencer. So everybody can make me feel good about myself.

It's horrible. Just like my picket or so I like myself. Man, a year from now, we are going to be so hella healthy. It's unreal. I'm going to get like just 1,000 likes on my photo. And I'll be like, I don't care. Where are we going to do our vow renewal? Cabo.

Oh, yeah. No, let's go to like Italy. We fight like all our friends to Italy. Deli for a Bauer Newell. Oh my God, that's so extra. Okay. Okay. I'll do it.

Anyway, thanks for listening to this week's episode of DeInfluance. It's really intense around here. Make sure you follow us on TikTok and Instagram at De Implode's podcast. We love you guys. We'll talk to later. Adios. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services.

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