Dear Chelsea - An Indecent Proposal with Chelsea + Catherine

Episode Date: April 4, 2024

Chelsea and Catherine get together to gab about the books they loved as kids, why you should indulge in things that bring you joy, and deciding that you don’t need to control the outcome of things.�� Then: A newly-sober New Yorker struggles with guilt over her past mistakes.  A trans woman wonders if she should reignite a relationship with her sister who wasn’t always there for her.  And a boss targets an employee with an indecent proposal. *  Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, Catherine. It's Chelsea. Hi, Chelsea. Hi, hi, hi. What's happening? Oh, man.

Just got back from a weekend in Phoenix with all of my in-laws and my folks, and it was really fun. Oh, well, good. It was also peaceful because I like gave myself time away. I like let Brad and his family have their time. And I gave myself some decompression time. And it was peaceful and lovely. Good for you for going to Phoenix. Yeah. Congratulations. It was actually the weather was incredible. It was like sunny, beautiful, like not a hot day in sight. It was perfection.

I have a show in Maricopa, Arizona. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I will be in Arizona at some point soon. Hopefully before the hot weather comes. You can buy those tickets at ChelseaHandler.com. This isn't exactly an update, but this is just a sweet letter that we got from a listener that I thought was really great because we've been getting a lot of emails about book

lists and book recommendations and all that good stuff. So Crystal says, Dear Chelsea, not needing advice today, but just wanted to write and say that you inspired me to start reading. I've never been a big reader, but because I knew it was important, I've always read to my children every day from the day they were born. My daughter is now nine and reads books on her own before bed each night. I always wanted them to love reading because I always wished that I did. But you and Catherine are always talking about different books and how wonderful they are and how people aren't doing it as much anymore. All of that, coupled with the fact that I basically trained my daughter to love reading, inspired me to try again. One of my first books was one of Chelsea's about a year ago, and from there, I just haven't stopped. Ah, I know! I'm really enjoying it and actually

feeling that it has enriched my life in ways I wasn't expecting. I get so much joy out of such little effort. I'm a stay-at-home mom of 10 years, and these four walls get so small after a while. It's a gift to be able to escape in a healthy way. So all this is to say thank you. Thank you for sharing the books you're reading, sharing your passion about it, and reminding us just how important it is with love, Crystal.

Oh, that's great. I love that. How lovely is that? I love it. I love it. Reading is a gift. We're so lucky to be able to get free entertainment. I mean, they're not free books, but it's cheap entertainment. At the library they are.

Yeah, right. Yeah, you can check them out at the library. I used to check out books at the library with my mom. We'd go to the library on Martha's Vineyard and I would get six books and she would get six books. And we would just always like, I would read six books at a time and she would, and they were all like choose your own adventures, you know, like stupid shit when I was young. But I just loved the putting down a book, going to the next one. And now the girls, Katie and Jesse, my two 16-year-old bopsy twins, they are reading like crazy. Like Katie spent the weekend and she was up till like two in the morning reading her book. And I'm like, and when I met them, they didn't even read books. They were like, what? We're not reading.

And then, yeah, so it's so cute. I love that. Yeah, it's so smart. It makes your vocabulary bigger. It makes you smarter. It helps your spelling. Speaking of staying up late reading, I once was watching my nieces. And my one niece was probably like 11 or 12.

And she had gotten into the Harry Potter books. And it was just me with my two nieces. Mind you, this is a school day. And my niece knows that I love reading. She goes, I woke up at one in the morning and started reading my book and I never stopped. I've been awake since one in the morning reading. And I was like, oh, how cute is that? So cute.

But I was like, you're about to have the most miserable day ever because you're going to fall asleep in class. So she was pretty crabby. And we had a little early bedtime that night. But I was like, that's very sweet. But maybe, maybe we don't do that again. That's cute. Was there a specific book?

I know you said choose your own adventure books. But was there a specific book that you really like got you into reading as a kid? No, all the books. I read everything. I mean, I read serious books when I was little. My dad forced me. And then when I had my own, like, you know, I could read what I wanted. It was Beverly Cleary and like, you know, Judy Blume and all that.

And then Sweet Valley High. I loved that stuff. Sweet Valley High was amazing. Oh, that was my favorite. And then a lot of choose your own adventures. I would just go through them like any kid and go to the first go to page 20. Then I would go back and go to page 35. And you know, I just love that. There is nothing more fun than those. I know. I know. I guess they have them for adults, but I think they do. But I don't think that that I'm that interested in that anymore.

Should we jump into some questions, Chelsea? Absolutely. Let's do it. We have a one-on-one episode today. We sure do. Okay, so this one is a little bit of a complicated one. Sarah says, Dear Chelsea, My family and I moved to a new neighborhood about six months ago. It's quiet, clean, and has lots of families with young children, including my own. Shortly after moving in, we discovered that our next door neighbor has an adult daughter who does not live at the house, but is likely living out of her beat up car, which she likes to park in front of her mom's house. She shows up for a few days at a time, leaves for a few days, and then comes back. She often gets loaded and then passes out in her car for hours in broad daylight. Sometimes she's just in her car by herself or with others doing

tweaker things like looking for things on the ground. Whenever her daughter is brought up in conversation, the neighbor dismisses it and says she just comes around from time to time to use my swimming pool and the neighbor doesn't really seem interested in talking about what's going on. My neighbor's boyfriend shared a little more once and said the daughter is cut off and not allowed to enter their home. However, it's apparent that they aren't doing anything about their doing drugs and passing out in the car in front of their house. I feel for my neighbor. Mother to mother, it makes me wonder if she feels more comfortable knowing where her daughter is and having her parked out front rather than, quote, on the streets. Here's my dilemma. I couldn't care

less what her daughter does with her life or her relationship with her mother, but I don't want my children seeing her doing drugs or being passed out in her car for hours while they play in the front yard. It's also quite an eyesore to have a tweaker hanging out in her beat-up car with broken windows every time I look out while doing my dishes. Should I try and have another conversation with her mom? How do I approach this with her? Deep down, I really want to just call the cops or knock on her car window and tell her to leave. But she's technically not on my property and I don't want to negatively impact my relationship with my neighbor. Your advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated, Sarah. Well, I mean, honestly, it's none of your fucking business.

Like, it's not, she's not on your property. I mean, as a parent, obviously her mother isn't psyched about that either. And I think you can relate that you would rather have your daughter in front of your house doing drugs than God knows where. And it's not your property. So you have no you have nothing to say about the matter. And sorry that it's an eyesore, but there's nothing for you to do. Yeah, that's not your business. And I honestly think like your kids are small. So, you know, if you tell them like, oh, she's taking a nap, like I think that's probably all the explanation

that they need at this time. And like when they're 25, they'll remember, you know, remember this lady and figure out what was going on. Or they won't remember anything about it, you know, or they won't. And it's not. Yeah. And your kids aren't going to like it. That's like saying, oh, I don't want my children exposed to trans transgender kids because they're going to become trans. Just because there's some woman tweaking out in a car, at least she's not on your property. She's not talking to your children. Yeah. You're really reaching to think that you have a say in it.

Yeah. And I know people get really bent out of shape about like, oh, someone's parked in front of my house, whatever. I can see it from my house. But I think this is a family across the street that has a really complicated thing going on. And I think this is a moment where you need to dig deep and reach out with kindness. Yes. You know, maybe it's even like make a sandwich and like if she's asleep, leave it on her car or like knock on the window if she's awake and like hand her a sandwich or bring her lunch like when you see her out there, because she's obviously going through a really tough time you know calling the cops is not a

solution for drug addiction no it's not and that is actually nice it's like take your contempt and turn it upside down into kindness yeah I think try and find ways where you can meet this with kindness and giving and understand that like this is more complicated than just like having a shitty view out your window. So and also like things do come to an end. So this will this will go one way or another. And obviously we hope that she gets help. But, you know, the family is doing the best they can. It sounds like right now.

And also calling the police is definitely going to fracture your relationship with your neighbor. So you can say goodbye to that if you do that. And it will also probably not be a solution. I grew up, well, this isn't exactly the same, but it's slightly analogous where I grew up with my dad, had all these used cars in our driveway all the time. And it looked like the parking lot, it looked like Sanford and Son in our neighborhood. And we were like in a nice middle-class, upper middle-class neighborhood in New Jersey. And our neighbors always called the police on my dad because of the cars. And it just made me, even to this day, not like my neighbors, you know, because we became like the eyesore of the neighborhood.

And I didn't like my house either. I wasn't happy about it either. But seeing my father, like seeing us kind of like my father attacked and people. It's just embarrassing. And it's like, yeah, it's that's not we're putting out love. That's just putting out disdain, especially because you don't like something in your view, like your eyeline. It's just it's silly. Yeah.

Yeah. So I think let's try and meet this with a little love and a little understanding and give us an update if there is a change or if you do decide to try that and let us know kind of how that goes. Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. Inside you, two wolves are locked in battle. One thrives on fear and anger and doubt. The other, courage, wisdom, and love. Every decision, every moment feeds one of them. Which wolf are you feeding?

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Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. So let's talk to our first caller. We've got some cuties today. Okay, let's go. Vicky is calling in and she's got a bit of a doozy here. So Vicky says, Dear Chelsea, it's 1am. I have to get up for work in five hours. I can't sleep. I'm so angry and I need your advice. A couple of days ago, one of the owners of my company offered to pay me $2,000 to have sex with him. I work for a roofing company doing admin. I've been there for seven months. I was determined to show this new group of blue

collar guys just how organized, detail oriented and smart a girl like me could be. And I did. I got two raises in the first six months and a Christmas bonus. I attended the company Christmas party alone. I rented a dress and felt like a million bucks. It was fun. That night, I noticed one of the owners sent me a message on LinkedIn at 1. 140 that seemed like a typo. Then he started testing the waters. Maybe I was flattered that my boss was paying attention to me. Who knows? Anyway, he said he wanted to ask me something and wanted to switch to text, so I gave him my cell number. He started by saying how good I looked at the party, but pretty quickly explained that he was interested in paying me $2,000 a pop to bang me.

I told him, thanks. Eye roll. My first reaction was to be grateful. Ugh. But no thanks. He then offered to pay me for my silence. I assured him I would never tell and didn't want any money. He asked me to delete the text, but I kept them. I was scared there would be retaliation because I turned him down. Nothing has happened since then. Now that I've had time to process the severity of what happened, I'm just mad. I want to make a scene in front of everyone at the company and call this bastard out and leave. What should I do? My heart is broken. I thought I'd found a new family and a new job.

Sincerely, Vicki. And Vicki, I know some stuff has sort of like come out a little bit since you wrote in as well, right? With like other coworkers. Yeah, I've got some updates. Hi, Vicki. Hi. So I did go forward with my information to the COO. And the disciplinary action that happened was that this man was told that he can only work remotely now.

You know, everything is documented. They said they were shocked. They couldn't believe it, which I don't believe that they're shocked at all. Anyway, they, I thought, you know, maybe this had happened to somebody else, but they made me sign this paper that said that I wouldn't talk about it to preserve the culture, which is obviously amazing at the company I work for. So I'm not supposed to talk about it with other people or the disciplinary action or why this guy doesn't come into the office anymore. So I did talk to somebody and I asked them, I thought maybe she had a similar experience and she had, she's 24. She was young and he actually grabbed her butt and told her he would pay her twice as much as she was making to

be his beck and call girl, you know, and like meet him wherever for sex. And she said, no, she still works for the company. And she was crying when she told me, and I was just like furious because, you know, I think it's probably a lot of women that have dealt with this and stayed silent because she was scared she wouldn't, you know, they wouldn't believe her. And, you know, who is she to make these accusations? So she never came forward. And would she be willing to come forward now? I didn't ask her, but she did thank me for coming forward. And that's kind of where we left it. But I think she would. Listen, you signed something. I don't really know how binding all of that shit is. Because also, there's new information now. You're not just talking about yourself. you're talking about that it's happened to other women and he's an owner of this company what kind of company is it it's a construction company so there's two original owners but they've been

bought out by a private equity group so they have some ownership still and it's like a mid-sized company so like not something tiny not something something, some giant corporation. So. Yeah. And so your human resources department, that's part of the private equity human resources, right? We don't have a human resource department that I'm aware of. Okay. Well, that's the first problem. Yeah. I would, I would go back and go, I'm sorry, but I've learned that there are more than one person without mentioning anyone's names without their permission, but that there's more than one person that this happened to. And now this is a different set of circumstances. So I want to know what you're going to do because being working him working remotely is unacceptable. Like this is now a pattern of behavior and these women are, we're talking about all coming forward. So what are

you going to do to prevent this from happening? Cause he needs to be removed. This is not something that you work around. And I just don't think you could ever sit around and I mean he's just going to do it again to someone else right and definitely has been if you are worried at all you could say like she came to me that's how I found out about this I'm not going to reveal who it is but like this seems to me like something they know is happening and is a pattern of behavior. Like they already, I would imagine, knew about this before you because this doesn't sound like his first. If he immediately was like, oh, can I pay you to be silent? Like, he knows how this goes. He knows what is going to happen next. And I know you need the job and

everything. But the fact that they didn't even offer you anything for your silence, they just were like, hey, sign this. That honestly makes me kind of pissed. Yeah, I don't think it's that legally binding. Like, no. Yeah. And it's just about not talking to co workers, right? Doesn't it's not? Yeah. They also had told me in a verbal conversation that I was getting a fat raise this year. And then after that was before this happened. And then after it happened, my fat raise was $3,000. So it came out to $10 a week on a paycheck after my taxes.

So not that bad. I mean, that's not what I don't think they would consider it fat. No. I will also say I talked to an attorney and they said she needs to talk to a lawyer. So yeah, documents of everything, keep records of everything. But you should probably go see an attorney as well. Yeah, I'm definitely going to I think it's just I think it's my responsibility as a woman raised by Chelsea to, you know, to speak up for other women. And I think, you know, we've all had it.

It's enough. I mean, they've been getting away with this behavior and enough. I'm not gonna live in a world where I don't have a voice. And I have a lot to offer and I want to be rewarded for that in the workplace. And I wanna have a safe work environment for myself and for everybody.

Good for you. Good for you. I love everything you're saying. And you're right. Some people are not as strong as you. And sometimes like I feel very responsible for being a strong, strong woman for the all the other women that aren't going to be strong, like I'm standing up for them. So I know, and I think you're the same. So I think that you just take that with you in every step you take in this arena, because they need to get rid of him. He doesn't get to be an owner and offer people $2,000. First of all, $2,000 for sex is insulting. I know. Excuse me? I know.

Demi Moore got a million and Robert Redford, you know? Right? Yeah, right, right. Does this guy look like Robert Redford? Because... Hell no. I think the thing I would have been more also offended by is like, wait, you're talking to other people about this, too. You're trying to do this with other people. Yeah. Yeah. Just be a warrior for women, you know, just keep that in your mind. And please don't don't like let this go. No, I'm not. I'm on it. Give us updates. Please do. We would like to hear.

Take care. Thank you. Yeah, I talked to a lawyer and she was like, sue the shit out of them. Like she needs to sue them. That's insane. It's unbelievable. I just love the psychology of thinking about how men in this day and age still are thinking

that they can get away with shit like that because they can. They can in all walks of life. They still get away with it. And you're like, excuse me, you cannot offer to have sex, pay money to have sex with me as an employee. At your workplace?

Go do that with someone on the street or some woman you meet somewhere else. Who is a sex worker? It's so stupid. My favorite part, though, is like, who is trying to hit on their coworkers through LinkedIn? Like, what a total lame-o. I just thought that was so ridiculous. Well, I think that goes hand in hand with offering someone $2,000 to have sex. Right. Step it up. Hitting on someone on LinkedIn, using that as a riot. And then.

Okay. Well, our next caller, Stephanie, has gotten sober and has some questions about dealing with past mistakes. Dear Chelsea, I've been personally struggling with grieving the past and honoring my sobriety. In January, I recently hit a year, but the emotions make me feel like I'm still on month four. A few years ago, I was a real jerk to loved ones and friends around me and didn't realize I was inflicting pain on others due to my trauma responses. I've been in emotionally abusive relationships and haven't fully dealt with a sexual assault when I was 14, which I've discovered in therapy led me to drinking pretty young, unfortunately. I guess in this area, I struggle with self-forgiveness. Looking back, being on medication and quitting drinking alcohol a year

ago has led me to uncork the bottled up feelings, pun very much intended. For context, I was so hammered once at a friend's engagement party that the hangover lasted three whole days and I have never even wanted to smell alcohol, wine specifically, since then. I find it hard to push past how heavy these emotions are no matter how much time has passed. In terms of grieving all of the past, do you have any tips that don't require me sitting down and meditating with the thoughts? I am insanely hyperactive and have a difficult time sitting still, but find hands-on and movement type of activities can be helpful. Yes, I have ADHD. I lost certain friendships when I decided to get sober as well. To throw even more of a curveball,

I stopped smoking weed and taking edibles for the time being because I was also using that as a major coping mechanism. How do you experience the stages of grief? And do you have any tips for getting through them? All the best, Steph. Hi, Steph. Hi, Steph. Hello. Good for you for getting sober and for quitting weed and taking away all of your aids. Thanks. That's tough. It's been one of those journeys where I'll just be like really deep and thought about something. And I'm like, well, I could go back to that, whatever I was doing prior. But then in the moment, I'm like, okay, well, let's, let's get this all focused and focus on the breathing and all that. So it's been pretty cool. Oh, that's great. I mean, listen, your vehemence against meditation leads me to believe that you would probably benefit the most from it. Anyone who really doesn't want to do something like that, that is always beneficial, that is scientifically proven to work, I think would be a great tool for you because of your adamance against it.

So that is one thing. But like the fact that you're already kind of on your way to that. And, you know, we talk about meditation a lot on this podcast, but it really is about centering yourself, setting yourself up for success each day. Each day you're like, this is great. I'm going to crush it. I'm going to be balanced, centered, non-reactive. And I'm going to use the tools that I have, whether they be breathing,

like positive affirmations in the morning, waking up and being like, I wake up every morning and I look in the mirror and I'm like, look at you. You're a cutie pie and look what you're going to do today. Like I literally talk to myself like that because I want to be in playful mode as much as possible. You know what I mean? I don't want to be stressed or reactive or get upset. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to lose my temper. So we all have our kind of shortcomings that we're working against, right? Like whatever our personality attributes are or defaults are. And I think that you're already like, you've done so much stuff to better yourself. There's really no stopping you now. So it's kind of whatever you decide is going to set you up each day. And to understand like one of the greatest things about

meditation is sitting still and just letting emotions move through you. And you don't necessarily have to do a mantra or something like I do a mantra every day with whatever guided meditation I do. And I don't do it every day, you know, every single day. But you can do that without the guided meditation. You could just sit and be like, this is me today. This is what I'm going to do. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to smoke. I'm going to be in my body. I'm going to experience my grief. But nothing is going to consume me, you know? So it's kind of just like writing a love letter to yourself and then honoring that each day when you wake up and being like, okay, this is who I am

and this is who I want to be and this is where I'm going. You know, the past is the past. Don't worry about that because you're correcting so many things and moving into your future with such love and light. Just add to that. Anything you choose to do, whether it's a mantra, whether it's positive affirmations, whether it's writing down, like making a gratitude journal each

day, or whether it's silent meditation, group meditation, you know, whatever it is that you click with, you should try and exhaust all of those things. Like try something for two weeks. And then if you're like, it's not working, okay, fine. But you'll be surprised what will work for you when you're of present mind and you're open. Yeah, that's definitely helpful. And are you doing any kind of like 12 step anything, anything like that? Or do you were just like, I never want to drink again?

Yeah, so I kind of made that decision. I had my friend's engagement party and I got so hammered. It lasted three days, my hangover. It was terrible. I think it was also bad wine, but I digress. And I kind of just woke up like after that weekend and being like, I never even want to smell this ever again. I don't even want to, I don't even want to look at it. So I'm not in any program. However, a friend of mine who both of our one year dates are kind of around the same time.

She actually co-founded this organization called A Peace Over Socials. They're based in Asbury Park, New Jersey, but they have a bunch of, you know, activities for people who are looking to have a community and, you know, support poetry readings. They did karaoke a few times at one of the vegan spots over there. Oh, vegan karaoke. Oh, it's such a blast. I can imagine. Vegan sober karaoke. Yes.

What Chelsea was saying as far as like meditation and having a mantra, I love that. And if you are finding you can't, you know, still can't focus, you might try adding some movement in with that. So adding in some yoga, which is very meditative, but like having a mantra while you're doing that, I think can help get some of it out of your, like the guilt feelings out of your body. And then also I was just thinking, this feels like maybe something to journal about too. I don't know if you do any journaling, but just being like curious with yourself about like, why do I have these sort of like cyclical thoughts about guilt around this or any other specific times and doing some journaling around that. And then once you've

sort of examined that for yourself, maybe writing a letter just so you can be like, hey, I messed up. I love you. Getting it out to them. And even if you get no response, you'll know like your side of the street is clean. And just like finding ways to get that sort of outside of you. But it sounds like you're doing some a lot of active things and putting community around you, which is amazing. Yeah, I also I do the aerial arts. So like pole and stuff. And that's become like, such a stable ground for me just kind of like, you know, working on new moves and like challenging myself. And there's a whole like neurological thing about it where like, you know, it can open up different neural pathways and like your brain and stuff and just like putting yourself in situations that you normally wouldn't. Good. That's awesome. Yeah. I also like to think in

terms of like self-help and betterment, I like to think of it as like a positive pyramid scheme. Like you're piling in like, okay, you go to therapy, you quit drinking, you quit smoking weed and you do all these good things for yourself. You're doing this kind of exercise and like kind of spiritual exercise in your explanation of it. And you're piling all these things on to like think of a blanket and you're just piling them all on. You're basically like building this kind of like protective coating around yourself, you know? So like the more that you can add to that pile, like, okay, this brings me joy. This brings me calm. This brings me comfort and clarity. Like the more that you are protecting your like kind of soul and your, and your person. And instead of thinking of it as a defense, I think of it as just armor, very protective armor so that you are always protected by yourself. And so whenever I think

of like, oh, okay, I'm going to add this to my repertoire or I'm going to do this journaling for a month or whatever I decide to do, I always think of this blanket where I'm just putting more and more goodness on it so that that is my comfort zone. And I'm in that blanket surrounded by all of the tools that I've learned. So I think if you kind of like picture that and whatever that means for you, you know, but just think of that like self-preservation, self-protection in a positive way, not in a defensive way. Yeah. Do you find that, because I know some people, you know, will post those like 30 day like journaling challenges, and it's on a specific prompt. And then, you know, each time you're like diving deeper, do you find those to be helpful? Or do you kind of just go based off of how you're feeling and kind of go from there? Because I feel like for me, there's like so many different thoughts going at once. So like, in order to like, focus on one specific area, I feel like I would need a prompt, but was just curious. Well, I mean, I think whatever I think it doesn't matter. You know what I mean?

As long as you're putting effort toward yourself and healing yourself. And like, it doesn't matter what it is. Yes, for you with ADHD, a prompt would be good. And I think you'll be very surprised from meditating. I had bad ADD before I meditated. I don't think I have ADHD. I have ADD, but I don't. I can focus so easily now. The benefits you reap from it, you don't even know what they are yet. So I just wouldn't ever say like dismiss something, you know, like, yes, go journal and get a prompt if that's going to help you focus. But all of these exercises are going to help in your focus in general. They're going to make you be able to pay more attention for longer periods of time. And it's just they're all training exercises for the brain.

And it's an act of self love it all all of it is. Yeah. I found that as well is when I'm meditating really regularly, my attention span just like gets a lot longer and it really helps with my ADHD as well. Yeah. Yeah. I think try those prompts. I think that'd be amazing. And also when you are meditating, you know, have a mantra or do like breath counts. For me, it helps keep my mind from wandering off.

It's just being able, you know, doing one to ten, doing box breathing. You know, there's a ton of different ways to do breath counts. For me, it helps keep my mind from wandering off. It's just being able, you know, doing one to 10, doing box breathing. You know, there's a ton of different ways to do breath counts. So. All right. Is that helpful? Yes, absolutely. Okay, great. Well, congrats on everything you've accomplished. I'm proud of you, even though I don't know you. Thank you. All right. Thanks, Steph. Keep us posted posted check in with us in 30 days okay all righty thank you so much bye take care bye cutie i think that's so interesting with like how you were saying your attention span gets gets longer or it's like help to your add it's weird how how that can help yeah because you think add think ADD, yeah, no, you have control over your ADD. I didn't learn that until I started meditating. And it's such a relief. I even like, you know,

even being here is meditative for me because I have so much other stuff going on. I'm skiing, I'm not on my phone, I'm not on socials nearly as much. I barely check anything. And like I saw my screen time last week was like down 47%. Each week it's down another. And I'm like, awesome, awesome, awesome. I don't want to be someone who's sitting here tied to my phone. I mean, it's different because I'm in Whistler, so I have skiing and I have guests all the time. It's different than being at home in L.A. where I'm more prone to be like looking at my phone. Well, but you're busy.

So you're like, okay, got to turn my brain off. Yeah, yeah. But it's nice to not be so reliant on my phone. Well, but you're busy. So you're like, okay, got to turn my brain off. Yeah. Yeah. But it's, it's nice to not be so reliant on your phone. It's nice to not check it or be obsessed or look at your, you know, be obsessed with how many, how you're posted, you know, it's nice to like, let all that go. Not controlling the outcome of things is like my, my thing this, this season, just don't try to control the outcome of things. Let everything happen the way it's supposed to happen instead of inserting myself and being like, no, I'm going to make this happen.

It's like, no, no, I don't need to make anything happen. I've made enough happen. Now I want to sit back and enjoy the show. My thing that I've been sort of focusing on lately is just like taking a beat before making a decision on something or even responding. Sometimes I realize like if I just like give it a couple of days, I find I realize new things about the situation. And I also find like I'm not as activated by it.

So I can sort of think more clearly about it. And oftentimes I find like I actually don't need to have any drama around that or even confront something or, you know, and it's usually little stuff, but yeah. And finding that to be really helpful is just being like, what if I just don't try to fix this right now? Yeah, and also not reacting to things.

Like sometimes something will happen and I'm like, I don't like that. And then it's like, who cares? It doesn't matter if I don't like it. It doesn't matter. Just move on. Like don't focus. I don't have to address every single thing I don't like that. And then it's like, who cares? It doesn't matter if I don't like it. It doesn't matter. Just move on. Like, don't focus. I don't have to address every single thing I don't like. And it just is like, it's nice to let yourself off the hook that you don't have to fix everything. You don't have to deal with everything. And I don't know, it's more relaxing. Our last question comes from Melina. She's 28. Dear Chelsea, my name is Melina. I'm 28,

indigenous Navajo, trans feminine, bisexual, single, and I love a Long Island iced tea. Lately, I've been having an issue with one of my two older sisters. I'm the youngest. She's always been a bit troubled. She's matured and has come to find herself in a place of healing from alcoholism and is now staying in the same city as me. Although I'm very happy for her, we were never very close growing up, and we'd have moments where it felt like we would bond, but something would uproot it. I became independent and found success in my own way. I live alone, I work, I've found friends, I have a chosen family, and despite having a bit of a problem with alcohol, I'm overall very happy. My issue is this. My middle sister is starting to come around and trying to

care about me. I know it's genuinely coming from a place of love and trying to patch up our past. And while I'm not against that, I really don't feel that I need it. I know how to take care of myself. She wants me to spill all my feelings and lean on her any chance I can. And it annoys me because in the back of my head, I want to tell her I don't need an older sister now. I needed one back then. She and I don't have bad blood and I don't harbor resentment for any of the past things besides when she tries to do this. I appreciate it, but at times it feels pushy and intrusive. Am I inconsiderate for not wanting to let her in?

I express myself emotionally to a lot of people, but for some reason, she feels more like a stranger than most. Please let me know your thoughts. I love you, your mindset, your comedy, your work ethic, and your overall attitude on life. Thanks so much for any advice. Melina. Yeah, I think, Melina,

honestly, what I'm hearing from you is that you're holding a grudge against your sister. And listen, she might be overstepping, but at least she's trying to be your sister now. And listen, she might be overstepping, but she at least she's she's trying to be your sister now. And you can't change the past. So she didn't show up for you when you wanted her to the most, but she's here now. And that kind of like grudge holding isn't helpful. Even if you don't think you're holding a grudge, I'm telling you, that's what you're doing. I needed her then I don't need her now is a grudge. So I think that you could be a little bit more open-hearted with her and you don't have

to let her be your confidant, but you can meet her halfway and allow her to be in your life in a loving way. Like give back the love that she's showing you. Even if it's pushy to you, just accept it more than reject it. You know, just open yourself to it. And you don't know how nice and helpful it can be at any time. Like you might be going through something down the road in two years and you're going to be so grateful that you have your sister and that you have formed this relationship and that she's there for you or vice versa. She may go through something, and you're going to be there for her. And I just am always very adamant that you should be as close to your sisters as possible. They're a gift. Having sisters is a gift. And yes, they're all fucking annoying on a certain level. But bigger than that

is the love, and the history, and the memories that you share. You are the only people that were raised by the same people. You are the only people who understand what it was like growing up in your household. And like that is a very, very special bond. And so I would say, you know, forget about the past. Just focus on what's happening right now. And she's trying to show up for you. Give her a break a little bit. Mm hmm.

Yeah, we talk a big game on this show specifically about, you know, if you're having trouble with a family member and you might need to cut them out of your life for a time, but like people can and do change and we hope they will in the future. And I think this is a moment where someone is trying to show you that they've changed and is trying to be more open. And, you know, in a way that feels safe with you, I think you absolutely should try to have a relationship with her. It doesn't have to be spilling all your guts. Keep it light. Keep it surface, especially in the beginning until you find out what works for you. She doesn't have to be your best friend. But if she's someone that you go to coffee with a couple

of times a month or once a month, I think that that can be really enriching to both of your lives. And I would say give it a shot. Yeah. Agreed with that. All right. Thanks, Melina. Keep us posted. Okay.

So we'll take a break to wrap up and we'll be right back. Inside you, two wolves are locked in battle. One thrives on fear and anger and doubt. Inside you, two wolves are locked in battle. One thrives on fear and anger and doubt. The other, courage, wisdom, and love. Every decision, every moment feeds one of them. Which wolf are you feeding? I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed.

I've been there, homeless, addicted, and lost. I know the power of small choices to turn your life around. On this podcast, I sit down with thinkers, leaders, and survivors to uncover what it takes to feed the good wolf. This podcast saved me. It's like having a guide for the hardest parts of life. The wolves are hungry. What will you feed them? Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially.

Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth.

That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. And I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart Series for the third year running.

All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. So a little bit of past, present and future all in one idea, soothing something from the past.

And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It could be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Okay. Yeah. With Chelsea Handler and Catherine Law. Hi. Okay. So I'll give you a choice.

Do you want to do bad finances or sexual harassment bartender? I'll take sexual harassment for 500, please. Okay. Rachel is a bartender in the Midwest. Dear Chelsea, I'm a 33-year-old bartender in Ohio. I live in a small city, and most of my patrons are men. They range from early afternoon retirees to midday happy hour guys, varying anywhere between blue-collar workers to white-collar lawyers and bankers.

Our evening crowd is younger than me and most definitely upbeat. They are culturally opposite from the daytime usuals in most aspects, from what they drink to how they tip and what songs they play on the jukebox. But one thing remains pretty common. These Midwest men think that telling women to smile and commenting on boobs body clothing is friendly and flirty, or worse, flattering. They're commonly explicitly sexist, and that makes my feminist blood boil. Me too. Yeah. I love my coworkers and bosses, so leaving isn't ideal. And I also assume like anywhere else she goes, it's going to be the same thing. I have thick skin and can

brush a lot off. Don't get me wrong. I speak my mind sometimes to a fault. My problem is about income. My pay is almost totally tip based. So how do I balance my inner go fuck yourself and otherwise stand up for myself with the reality that I'm relying on mostly sexist men for the majority of my income? How do I play nice enough to make money and still keep my dignity? Most of my attempts have left me with gaslighting or misplaced anger, which I can handle. But the zero dollar tip on the line, that's hard to handle. Seeking your input, Rachel. We talked about this a little bit a couple episodes ago about framing the way that you talk to people

who are disrespecting you or treating you in a sexist manner. And I think this is, I was talking with my girlfriends on the chairlift yesterday about it too, because there is a way to talk to men without making them defensive about what they're saying. There's a way to be jocular about it. To say, oh God, can you imagine the situation I'm in? I'm sitting here behind a bar working for you,

relying on the money that you're going to give me. And then you just get to talk to me the way, whatever way you want. Can you imagine what it's like to be a woman? Like there are playful ways to address what's happening to you without it becoming a problem. Now, not every man is going to be open to that conversation or enlightened by that tone, but there are men. And I think you can discern which men those are going to be, where it's worth it and where it's not worth it, because it's not worth it for you to kind of bite your tongue every single time you get sexually harassed or dismissed as being like, you know, just being objectified or whatever. But I think it is worth it to go at men a little bit in a way that they can swallow, which is playful, kind of like, you know, not so serious, not strident, not screaming, not yelling, but just like, oh,

God, I wish you guys could feel what it's like to be me for a day. Can you, you know, like, really just playing with the idea. And that's not the only way to do it. There are probably 50 other ways to do it. But so that you don't feel like you didn't say anything. And you also don't feel like it fell on deaf ears. You want to feel like you said something, it mattered, and you stood up for yourself. And you can't control the outcome of that either. But at least you're not rolling over. If there's somebody who is being an ongoing

problem, I do love taking it from a perspective that's like not just God, you're horrible. You know, I think also, you know, waiting to say something until after you close out their tab and get the tip. I heard something the other day, and this was from someone who I believe is like a stripper. But she said, and I don't know if this is something that you can pull off at your bar, like talk to management, talk to the bouncers and things. But basically telling them like, hey, we have an extra fee anytime there's a comment like that. And it actually gets added to your bill.

So like keep them coming. And like anytime they make a comment like that, a $15, you know, 15 bucks gets added to their tab. Yeah, maybe that's a $15, you know, $15 gets added to their tab. Yeah, maybe. That's a good idea, too. Like, basically, there's a penalty for, like, talking like that. And, like, feel free, go ahead. But every time you make a comment or, you know, talk about my boobs or whatever, $15 is getting added to your tab or whatever price you decide.

Could be a fun way to handle it. And then you're sort of, like, reclaiming the power. And they can stop or they can keep going. And then you just make a bunch of money. Okay, cool. Good luck, Rachel. Well, Chelsea. Yes.

Yes, Catherine. We really did it today. We really did. Lots of men behaving badly. Very unusual. Very unusual. Such a shock. Okay.

Have a great day. Thanks, guys. Okay, guys. So for stand-up, I'm coming to Salt Lake City on April 4th, and I'm coming to Denver, Colorado on April 5th. Tickets are still available for those two. Maricopa, Arizona is April 12th, and then Brooks, California is April 13th. And we added a second show in Sydney, and we added a second show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is now going to be May 24th. We added the Santa Barbara Bowl, which is so fun. I performed there

last year. That's August 17th, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We ended a second show at Santa Rosa on August 2nd. And we added two dates in Hawaii, guys. I'm coming to Hawaii on July 19th to Kahului. I'm going to be at Kahului. And then I'm coming on July 20th to Honolulu. And, oh, I just added another date on August 1st, Auburn, Washington. So, and all my Australia and New Zealand dates are up. And I will be announcing a European tour shortly. So I will be coming there.

And I'm coming to Oklahoma. I have two dates in Oklahoma. May 3rd, which is my mother's birthday, Norman, Oklahoma. And May 4th, I'll be in Thackerville, Oklahoma. So Oklahomans, Oklahomans, Oglohomes, come. Bye. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at dearchelseapodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number.

Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at chelseahandler.com. Do you want a shortcut to the best version of you? Here it is. Feed the good wolf. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. Every week, I talk to brilliant minds and brave souls about the art of small, powerful choices.

Our listeners say it all. This is a lifeline. Transformational. The best antidote to a bad mood I've ever heard. Join the pack and start feeding your best self. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help.

That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all.

I'm Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. This January, join me for our third annual January Jumpstart series. Starting January 1st, we'll have inspiring conversations to give you a hand in kickstarting your personal growth. If you've been holding back or playing small, this is your all-access pass to step fully into the possibilities of the new year. This is a therapy for Black girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.