Dear Chelsea - Big Guy with Rachel Feinstein

Episode Date: June 27, 2024

Comedian Rachel Feinstein joins Chelsea to talk about bulbous asses, what life is like being married to a fireman, and making her mother cry.  Then: A new mom wants her child to get to know her grandmother, even if she’s intolerable. A Canadian expat struggles to find a way to make his Norwegian ex part of his life.  And a maid of honor gone rogue threatens to keep the wedding photos from the bride.    * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Catherine. How's Mallorca, Chelsea? Sunny and beautiful.

Everything's going very well in Mallorca. Who did you have this past week? I have my sisters, and I have about five girlfriends. Oh, that's wonderful. That's really nice. We've been having a really nice time together. I've been's wonderful. Yeah. So that's really nice. We've been having a really nice time together. I've been training everyone. Physically training.

Oh, yeah. Because I'm the Ange of my group when Ange is not around. Ange is my lunatic friend from Whistler who runs marathons in three and a half hours. Truly, the amount of like e-bike hours that we logged when we were there. And I only did like half of them and I still logged plenty. I know. I know. But you know what I love about being in Mallorca is my thighs are so firm. They are so firm from riding my fucking bike all day long and exercising and walking up and down to the lighthouse. My legs almost get thicker and I

love the density. I don't want it's like when I ski a lot, my thighs get bigger, you know, so I'm just trying to keep my thighs big all year round for skiing. You know what they say? Thick thighs save lives. Oh, is that right? Okay, well I'm saving lives left and right with my thick thighs. I have been working out with a trainer and like all she has me do is squats and my ass is like round and fantastic now.

It's so hard. It takes two weeks to get your ass lifted. If you want to get your ass lifted, all you do is butt exercises for two weeks and your ass lifts. I never had an ass. My sisters don't have ass lifted. If you want to do, get your ass lifted, all you do is butt exercises for two weeks and your ass lifts. I never had an ass. My sisters don't have asses. I am the only one who's cultivated one because I realized you could make one out of nothing. Out of a pancake.

Chelsea, I have a little a dipsy doodle. A dipsy do. So this is somebody who wrote in after our Jane Fonda episode. We had that email from Jen who had been a sex worker and was having trouble dating. And this is from Jill, who was also a sex worker. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a former stripper who met my husband in the strip club 20 years ago. And yes, we're still together. I know two other women who met their husband in strip clubs and are still together

because their relationships morphed over time. They picked people who could, quote, see who they were. I don't think these men are all that rare because I've been out as a stripper throughout my work and have had relationships with men who respect me all my life in work and in friendship. Was it easy meeting a partner? No. But if you carry yourself with confidence and self-assuredness, people will see that you demand respect. If anyone says anything out of line, read them. We all develop that skill on the job. Finding a good partner in general is difficult. What are the key characteristics you want to find in a partner?

Put those first. Don't be ashamed of your past. Wear it like a badge of honor. Good. You are resilient and amazing and have done it and then started your own business. I went on to make documentaries, write plays, screenplays, win awards doing that, and then became a boxer. 2015 National Golden Gloves champion. My husband accepts and loves all those versions of me.

You can find that, too. Ah! Look at that! What a positive, optimistic note. Thank you. We have such fucking great listeners. I know. That's awesome. And it's great because if someone out there has had this very specific experience, there's somebody else out there who knows exactly how they feel.

But anyway, should we get to today's guest? Our guest today is a hilarious comedian who is on tour right now. And her new special, Big Guy, debuted in the top 10 of Netflix, now streaming on Netflix. Please welcome Rachel Feinstein. Rachel, how excited are we that we're going to get to tour together? I know. I'm so excited to be in Hawaii. We're going to Hawaii together in July, right? We're going to July. We're going to Honolulu and Maui. I can't wait for some Hawaii whoring. I know. It's going to be amazing. I love to get my groove on in Hawaii because it's filled with my type of men. What's that? What type is that? Large Samoan,

large Samoan looking men. That's my type. A hefty Samoan. I had no idea. I like elderly men and large Samoan type builds. I like that build for a friend or for a lover. I like a corpulent figure. You know what I mean? Like I like- Well, you're worth it. Thank you. First, I want to congratulate you on your new special, Big Guy,

which was just recently premiered on Netflix where everybody can stream it. Congratulations. Are you happy with your special? Did you love it? It was hard to watch myself, but now- It's the worst.

Yeah, it's hard. When I was editing it, I was just like, shut up. what have I ever needed to say I I kept screaming at myself and calling myself a pig and I screamed that so much that I asked uh one of the producers if I could call the special America's Favorite Pig and they said no but I still think it would be a fun loving name for a show it would America's Favorite Pig is great and I think you could have called it that.

But thank you, Chelsea. Yeah. Why would why would anyone stop that? That's up to you. That's like saying I want to name my book America's favorite pig. What is they going to say? No, that's not going to be popular, maybe. But go for it.

I had to watch. I was listening to a set of mine the other night because I did a bunch of new stuff. And I was like, oh, can you guys give me you know the recording of that and I was listening to it to it for less than two minutes before I was like who fucking cares what I said I cannot listen to this bitch for one more second I want to close myself like a box when I listen I'm like what have you ever needed to get out there especially when I really use the stage and just kind of like saunter around yeah I do that all the time I saunter I think it's better to use the stage and just kind of like saunter around yeah I do that all the time I saunter I think it's better to use the stage you know Zach Galifianakis once said to me

you have to use the stage as a comedian and before he said that I didn't walk around on stage and I was like what does he mean by that and then I started walking around on stage I'm like I think this is more dynamic than just standing there like yeah I don't want to just stand somewhere like you are talking. You would normally be moving around. So these are profound core self-esteem issues that I have and nothing else. What other self-esteem issues do you want to work on? Let's get to it because I can help. What kind of bathing suit equipment do you think you'll be bringing to Hawaii, Rachel? When you mentioned on Instagram that I should wear a thong, I was like, no one needs that. I

don't think I look good in a thong. No one should be wearing a thong. First of all, thongs are so disgusting. I don't even want to wear them. I hate myself. I don't even want to wear them as underwear anymore. It's too problematic. There are too many things.

I have to phase out into a full panty. The problem with the full panty, though, is that when you wear very tight jeans, it flattens my ass and I don't have a bulbous ass. So I need all the lift I can get when I wear a full panty. It doesn't mush, you know? Yes, me too. There's a sadness to a full panty. I agree. It smushes me. But a thong, no one needs that. I'd send somebody into a low-grade depression. There's a real supply and demand issue with my dumb ass and a thong. Yeah, there's not really, I mean, I don't really think that I've ever seen a thong and thought that looks good. Yeah, it's hypothetically good.

Yeah, but no. Yeah. I mean, I need like unless I'm like Paris filtered, like triple Paris filtered. Nobody. No one needs that at all. But I'm excited for Hawaii. Like that's something I need right now. Like I've been.

Well, you've been hustling. Yeah. Yeah. I've been hurling my body to every dumb place on the road. And I'm like, yeah, I need to lay still on a beach. Yeah. Yeah. I've been hurling my body to every dumb place on the road. And I'm like, yeah, I need to lay still on a beach. Right, right. Well, I know that your special debuted in the top 10. So that's very exciting, which means people are loving it. That was cool. And your DMs this in the last year, you sent me a couple messages about some dumb video I made,

like made my day. And I can't explain to you how much because, you know, I mean, I've been doing stand up for what feels like 70 years. So I really feel like I'm just in the winter of my life right now. So the fact that I'm like, Oh, my God, okay, people watch it. I was just like, didn't want it to get buried. So it felt really cool that like, people are actually watching it now. And I'm like, I just want to start writing uber blacks, at least, you know, that's kind of my goal with this. Like it's been, I did everything the long way. Like I've been a road woman for a lot of years. So like, I need this. Did you sleep with a lot of comics on the road? Just so much head, Chelsea. There wasn't a moment I wasn't on my hands and knees.

So much dick sucking. I know. That's where dick sucking really comes into its own. It's on the road. My whole family, too. Yeah, just generations of Feinsteins. Just really getting passed around just so that I can get this out. Generations of dick sucking? Wow, that's amazing. A long line of godless whores. My grandmother said when I was a very small girl,

I never met a dick that I wasn't fond of. Not one. Not one dick. No, I don't know. I didn't have, I wasn't good at any aspect of the business. There's no business left. It's silly to even say that. But whatever it was, I wasn't good at it. I was just on the road forever. So like it feels, I'm just hoping this helps and it like can move some tickets for me. Yeah. Change my life a little bit. Right.

Absolutely. Let's how how long have you been doing stand up? Really? Like 24, 5, 25 years. Yeah. I moved to New York when I was like 17 with this guy and his band called Dick Sister. And then I Dick Sister dumped me and I stayed in New York and he kind of like undumped me and redumped me a few times like i wasn't really taking the dump and uh i i would just try to kind of hang near

his house in staten island where he lived with the rest of his band and then i just stayed here and started doing open mics and stuff and getting fired from different jobs first and i felt like at best i was going to be like homeless if i didn't do this you know there wasn't, I wish I could have been one of those people that was like about to be a doctor, but I made this like noble choice to leave it all for the arts. But this was it. Like I was failed wildly in school. So yeah. And your husband's a fireman, which you talk about in the special. So he's an American hero. He is. He's a technical hero, but he infuriates me. Like he's an emotional desert, but a fun loving guy, a good hang for sure. Yeah. Firemen are great. You could say anything to them.

That's what works. My husband's almost like an accidental feminist. He doesn't care what I do. I could be out doing whatever with standout. I could spend the night at some comics house, get passed around. No, but just really like just some platonic guy that doesn't even see me as a woman. But Pete wouldn't question that. He's just kind of like you're on your own. But if I ever explain what a feminist was to him, he probably thinks they're like Nazis or something like they run a little dumb in that way. But strangely enough, it took a fireman because every other guy like they got a kick out of what I did for like, you know, like a week. And then they were like, forget this. Like she's working on Christmas or and Pete is working on Christmas. So it's kind of like he gets the life and they have their thing.

And in a weird way, like firefighting, like they have a kitchen table where they hang. And when you walk in as a regular person, you can feel the chemicals in that room change. And it feels like, you know, like at the cellar when when a normal person we call them civilians which is hilarious but like when a normal person walks into the room like you can feel that whole energy change in the room like uh like somebody a comic said this recently they're like oh he brought his like civilian girlfriend and she had to sit at the table but it's kind of similar like and he has that weird world that we have so there's not really any envy there and comics and firemen, they don't want anything the other one has. So he's a pretty good hang with comics.

He doesn't try to be funny. He's a good laugher. He doesn't step on anything they're trying to do. So it strangely works. Yeah. What about your child? How long have you had your child? Oh, my God.

Where is she? She is four years old. I have a little kid. So you've had her for four years. Is that correct? I've had her for four years. That is correct. How is motherhood going for you as a comedian, as a working woman, late night working woman? It's hard. I feel like I'm not pulling anything off completely, but I have a lot of female comic friends and I still relate to comedians more than like regular moms, you know? So like I'm on like a chat with Rosebud and Whitney and other, other comic moms that kind of like help each other with weird tips on how to do it. Michelle Wolf has a kid. I was just talking with her at the cellar last night. So that helps me try to like figure it all out.

I'm not in any way pulling it off. Like just before we got on this Zoom, I bribed my daughter with like a series of things. There was just so that she wouldn't walk in this room. Like there was a bribe and then there's like a threat of a bribe to being taken away. I'm like, I'll give you this. And if you walk in here, I'll take this away, which I call a thrive. So there's like a series of like hard negotiations that went on before I brought that random teenager in here to do the audio. So I'm not pulling anything off, but I feel like she kind of at this point, she's not I'm not a scheduled person. She's grown up half in a firehouse, like half on the road with me. So like, she's kind of not she's not expecting that. Like she knows she looks at me like she

can tell I'm not in charge of anything. Yeah, that's how I felt growing up. I knew my parents had no say like, I was like, this, you guys are not making decisions around here. Like, I'll come in hot and take over. I think it's good to know. I mean, because first of all, nothing bad comes from a girl, especially that grows up a little faster. I think that's always yields good results. Yeah. You know what?

I agree with you. Yeah. Shake it out. You shake out your naughtiness when you're younger. And then by the time you're like in your 20s, you're over all that. Well, maybe 30s. I completely agree with you because I was a really bad kid. I did acid when I was like 13, like every weekend. I had like an appointment to do acid with like six of my friends. And I mean, we were just deep pigs. We would go up at like some sign in this neighborhood and just moon people in the area. We're like, oh, we're mooning now. Like we had our asses out all the time. We were always doing drugs. And then by the time I was like 17 and moved to New York with dumb dick sister, I was like, yeah, I'd done all the kind of ridiculousness. I'd gotten out of my system and I was able to like focus a little more on like stand up. I do think it's those kids that like really run a tight ship in high school. Then

they start their real problematic whoring later on or drug use or whatever. Yeah, I agree with that. Better to get the whore out soon. Early, early. Get rid of the whore early so that you can really start to thrive in your 20s and 30s for sure. Yes. I was definitely like, I was a problem. I know somebody that knows you. He said you were very cool. He grew up in Jersey near you. He said you were always cool and could kind of like hang from young. Like you seemed like a comic at the table very cool. He grew up in Jersey near you. He said you were always cool and could kind of like hang from young. Like you seemed like a comic at the table very young. Were you like hanging with a group of guys or like what was your high school situation? Who knows? I mean, I in my mind, I was in high school when I was born. Like I was trapped in a baby's body and I felt like a woman

the minute I was born. And all I wanted to do was woman, be a woman. I was like, when can I get be a woman? Like that was my favorite line to say, like, as soon I'll be a woman and you won't be able to tell me what to do. I know what you mean. Cause like, I love, I used to love the show when I was a little kid called Moonlighting because I loved office tension. I was like, I want to grow up one day and have sexual tension in an office. Those were my goals. Totally. Totally. First of all, working in an office, when you were watching Moon of all, working in an office when you were watching Moonlighting, working in an office seemed sexy. You were like, oh, that's sexy. Like an office job with these skirts. I'll wear skirts and heels and then I'll fuck my colleague. It seems so fun, right?

So fun, yeah. I played this game. I talked about it in like my first half hour many years ago, but I used to play this game with my Catholic friend friend i wanted to be catholic so bad i just wanted those one of those names that like oh rachel o feinstein or some shit and we would play this game where she would throw me on the bed and we worked in an office her name was harry company she was the boss and we would play this game in her dad's office like he had no idea we were playing this weird whoring game in his office and um she would go like, Chrissy, get me my briefs. And I'd be like, I'm doing the best I can, Mr. Company. My tits just get confused. I think that was all for moonlighting. It was very much like a porn. Yeah, I know. Porns were not dissimilar to those programs. I guess maybe because it was set in the same

time frame. But there is a lot of porn represented, like porn porn like vibes in shows like Moonlighting and what was that other not Dallas and Santa Barbara was awesome that was a soap opera though that was during the day yeah I once tried to call Kelly Capwell directly because I was so obsessed with Robin Wright that I looked up Kelly Capwell I was so young I didn't understand that was a character's name and I looked her up in the phone book in Santa Barbara and called someone named Kelly Capwell. I was obsessed with that bitch. Fucking gorgeous. The most beautiful family of all time.

The actress's name is Marcy Walker. I was completely and utterly obsessed with her. I would just like hump a pillow and pretend it was Cruz, that like hot Latin cop. Also, they were sending so many weird messages with that show because something happened to her. Like she was like assaulted or something. And then she was always on this bed getting extra attention from men. Opposed to salt. Like I didn't know what that was. She was like, she had like a concussion for like nine weeks or whatever, like 90 weeks, soap opera time, where, you know, you've been kidnapped three times in between that time. But she was like lying in bed every episode so she could go just basically to set her up for

more sexual assaults and we're tuning in like we can't wait to see it we're like when when's it gonna happen next it was so sick and she was always kind of dewy and hot and just everything i wasn't just like blonde and fucking like straight silky blonde I wanted to be her and she was always laying on that bed and then this hot cop would just keep coming back and tending to her I'm like this is the life I want I'm ordering this life I want to lay on some kind of bed and snack on it and just have somebody avenging something on my behalf and have your husband avenge a fire why can't he avenge my husband you don't want to go missing for weeks before he would look for me it's like he's not jealous to like such a problematic point i've tried to make him

jealous and he's like yeah he could give a shit like it would be somebody could make a suit out of my skin and he wouldn't follow up he's very anal neat about like house stuff like i feel like if i was missing he'd be emptying the dishwasher first like he'd finish emptying the dishwasher yeah he's non-plussed by everything that's the word for it. Nonplussed when you have no reaction. Although it also says it's also the opposite of having no reaction. It's having no reaction and having the opposite of no reaction. I'm like, isn't that two different? Antonyms? What the fuck are you talking about? That's what I do, though. In my spare time, I look words up in the dictionary to understand why I can't speak clearly or correctly. On that note, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer.

And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really?

That's the opening? Really, No Really. Yeah, Really. No Really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This week, we'd love to hear about your conundrums with parents. If there's something you're working through with a parent or need some help navigating a relationship issue, write into DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com.

And we're back with Rachel Feinstein, whose new special is called Big Guy. Big Guy. Yeah, that's my husband's nickname for me. Yeah, he calls you Big Guy. Your husband calls you Big Guy. He does. Would you consider yourself the man of the house? No, but I think he might. I mean, he just doesn't know how to compliment a woman. He's like just worthless romantically. He gave me, Chelsea, I'm not making this up, a $50 Amazon gift card for my birthday, like 50 bucks. And you know, there was a moment where he was like 75,

and then he was like, nah, not for her. 50 feels right. My driver once told me it was her birthday. I said, what did you get Carolyn? He said, I'm just gonna give her some cash chel i was like no no no you're not you fucking idiot yeah his wife cash i was like billy pull over we need to talk i'm like you're an idiot nothing makes me more delighted than when you trash men for their nonsense it's like my specific brand of what delights me more than anything else. When you call men to task on their utter horseshit, it makes me so happy. Cash is somehow worse than Amazon gift card. It's worse. It's dumber. Yeah. It's like, do I work for you? I don't understand. Is that a tip? What is that? The thing is that he lives with men at a house for half his fucking life. Like he doesn't come back smarter

from this house he lives at. So not hot. Men are so good at being not hot. You know what I mean? It's like that's not hot. Do I need to explain to you that that's not hot? Okay. What do we have? What do we have in store for us, Catherine? Oh, so many things. Well, our first email comes from Richie. Richie says, Dear Chelsea, I'm not sure whether or not I should be upset with my partner. We've been together for over three years and currently have a house together and two dogs. Our lives are very intertwined. And while I love him and care very deeply for him. You're very intertwined because you fucking live together.

What do you mean your lives are intertwined? This is a weird thing to mention. You're right. Clearly, yeah. We spend a lot of time together. But some things from our past have come up. Recently, while chatting with a mutual friend, I learned that in our first year of dating, he didn't take us very seriously and was constantly hitting on and flirting with other people.

I would like to believe he isn't anymore, especially since he's been honest about how he was in the first year of dating, but since I'm just finding out about it, I'm feeling betrayed and honestly pissed. But we're a couple, literally a couple years removed from this. So do I have a right to be upset about it? Do I need to just move on and accept what happened in the first year? Oh, I like this question. That is an interesting question. It is interesting because that would piss me off. Retroactively finding out that something happened would piss me off. That's just the kind of recipe that would piss me off. Also, I also feel like admitting to something and admitting to just a little bit of what you actually did. That is like one tried and true tactic of a lifelong liar.

Like I've been wildly cheated on just like insane, unimaginable shit that I was like, wait a second. I would ask this question to her. Is he jealous? Because I do feel like the most jealous guys are often cheating. And the guy that I remember, I've dated a guy that was always, always in my internet history. Every time I would go away, he would accuse me of all manner of things. And you know, like as a comic on the road, I'm doing nothing but just laying still with throbbing loneliness after my shows. Like I'm just laying in bed as alone as I've ever been in Des Moines.

And he was inside of someone every time I was out of town. Like I got an email with the dates of this other girl he was fucking. She's like, I was with them from 212 to 214. Like an email. Yeah. Yeah. And he was very jealous. And whenever I would come home, he would accuse me of all kinds of insane things. I remember he used to chase me around the apartment with my laptop. I would try to pull it back from him and he would make these wild like noises. He'd be like, ah, like these Howard Dean cries. She'd be like, ah, ah. And he would put my laptop in the freezer.

For some reason, I was used to this too. Like I was like, oh, he's probably going to make a left here and head to the the freezer and he was always kind of jogging over there I was like I didn't suck his dick and then he was putting the laptop in the freezer and you know it was just constant he was always accusing me of some insanity and he was doing it so my only I have no idea if this guy is is still cheating or not or what he's up to but I do feel like it's one of the signs is is he extremely jealous and suspicious of you and if he isn't I. But I do feel like it's one of the signs is, is he extremely jealous and suspicious of you? And if he isn't, I feel like there's less likely, it's less likely that he's cheating. Yeah. What are they asking? Do they have a right to be mad? I would. I do. I think you can kind of be mad. A year is a long time to be hitting on other people while you're

like supposedly in a relationship or maybe they weren't in a relationship. I don't know. It sounds like they were. I like the question. I don't really have a good answer. I feel like three months, you got to like cut off the flirting with other people. Like there's some, there can be some overlap, but like a year is too long. Yeah. I think that's good advice. It doesn't sound ideal. Yeah. So like be pissed, but maybe don't break up with them. Well, definitely don't, don't not acknowledge it. You, you it. You don't have to break up with him, but you have to make sure

he knows that you know that and that that's not cool and you're upset. You have every right to be upset about that. Make him make it up to you, I think. Couple nice baths,

a couple nice dinners. A bath? That's not going to make anything up to me. A bath is amazing. I love when someone draws me a bath. Really?

Oh, yes. A friend of mine is dating this guy that draws her baths think you were gonna say that drew her a bath is what you were gonna say i was gonna say yeah you should go for it she drew her a bath i didn't go to college i went to fucking dick sister what do you i was gonna say that but a friend of mine was dating guy for many years then their courtship started by him drawing her a bath. And I think that's disgusting. Started?

Like they were friends and he drew her a bath? And then he started turning the bath water on like when they were hanging out. Yeah. And I think this is so strange. Yeah.

She said that like a few months into their friendship, he would just kind of like turn on a bath and be like, okay. And that was how he kind of like pulled her in.

Fucked her? Yeah. And then they would fuck in the bath? I think he, this is really. I don't like to have sex in baths or water. It's a hassle. It's because it's confusing because you think the water will also serve as a lubricant and that's not how it works at all.

It's the opposite. No, it's kind of frantic. It's like not a sexy situation. No, it's actually very, it sounds like a very dry situation, ironically, in a pool of water. Yeah, he would draw her a bath and then he would bathe her for a month. Oh, no. And that's unacceptable, right? No, no.

It's totally unacceptable. Nobody's bathing me. Draw me a bath, get the fuck out. Well, our next caller is Allie. And Allie says, dear Chelsea, my husband and I moved away from home about four years ago. We recently had a baby and have decided to move closer to family and friends as we both work remotely and could use some interaction with other people. We're about an hour's drive away from family. My husband's family obviously missed us, and his mom from time to time can be a bit much.

However, my mom is next level. Prior to me being pregnant, we never really talked, as she was kind of a crappy parent. I'm having a ton of anxiety about being closer to her, and when we lived 11 1⁄2 hours away, it's been easy to keep her at arm's length. But now she texts, calls, sends videos, etc. multiple times a day.

When I say it's too much, she doesn't listen and says, well, I'm the mom or grandma, and I'll do whatever I want. Then she proceeds to act like a toddler or spread gossip through my family. She's the kind of person that works in customer service but yells at waiters every time we go out to eat. I'm wondering how to navigate this relationship without blowing up so she can see her granddaughter. Every time I see her after 10 minutes, I'm going crazy. Help, Allie. Oh, sorry, Allie. That sounds like a fucking nightmare. Another reason to never get married.

Yeah, that's not good. She sounds like a pretty, I mean, she sounds like a pretty unbearable twat. But I think you're, I don't know, trying to do the right thing by letting her have access to your child. But I feel like as little as you can have to do with those plans, the better. Like, do it. Like, have her be with the kid the week you're going away. The week you're going, you know, whoring in Hawaii.

Have her take care of the kid that weekend. Do you have any plans to whore in Hawaii coming up? Not as of right now. Okay, well, obviously that can change in a minute. Anything can change in an instant. So what's her, what has been your, like when you've tried to put up like a boundary with her before, what has happened?

She basically says no, or she ignores it and will text me like the next week and say, so can I come this week? Like just ignores the whole thing. Yeah. I find that to be incredibly annoying people who don't listen to you when you're setting up a boundary. So I think you have to have like a more formal conversation with her about it, just for your own sanity. Like it, don't worry about how she's going to react to it because people end up respecting boundaries in the longterm. They just don't like them in the beginning. You know what I mean? So it works.

And so you're going to protect your, like, mental health and the health of your family because you don't want to be fucking annoyed at her all the time. But you have to be firm because she's not used to anyone telling her that there is a boundary. It's 100% true. Also, I feel like the thing with people that don't respect boundaries is that when you draw them, it's this big lead up to saying something. And it's not that big of a deal at all. Because first of all, they might not even listen to it to which you have to double down on it. But that moment isn't that big. Because like they don't care. Like they're used to bulldozing through those things. So the very least you can do like this is the beginning of a longer stretch you have to go through with her. At the very least, just say something and be clear. When

you're that ludicrous when you're acting that insanely like this person has been told this many times before you're not you know i mean this isn't like so don't worry about that just say it yeah just say it say it quick say it fast and say it in as few words as possible i feel like that's true for everything i always over explain defend. Somebody told me this recently, like justify, apologize. There's like some acronym I'm forgetting, but defend. I think it's Jade or something. And try not to do any of those things and say it in as few words as possible in a text or talk to your friend before you talk to her.

Know exactly what you're going to say and nothing extra. Yeah. And hold your ground. You know what I mean? Like, don't say it and then get scared and run away. Like, say it. Hold your ground so she understands that you mean business. Like, maintain eye contact and be firm. You have every right to do that for yourself. It doesn't have to be like a big deal. Exactly what Rachel's saying. It's just like you standing up for yourself. You're going to feel really good afterward. And you might have to tell her again,

but that's okay. Just practice advocating for yourself. Yeah, I really like that advice. I think too, like just holding my ground, I like to eye contact too and not be in the piece of it. Or I get crazy eyes. So they get really fucking scared. And then they're like, all right, all right, all right. I won't fucking bother you again. Except her level is crazy.

So I respond. Yeah. I dated a guy for a while that like his mom was just upset about absolutely everything about me. And a lot of the things about me were just things that were never going to change. Things that she thought I would find insulting, like that I'm not domestic or that I'm not clean. I'm like, tell me a better story, bitch. Like I'm I've been a pig my whole life.

Like and she was like, you know, just kind of making these passive aggressive comments about what I didn't do around the house. And I'm like, that's not you could say a lot of things that will immediately hurt me. But I'm like, and I learned to just say to her very directly, Oh, I'm not going to do that. I'm never going to do that. She's like, you know, you should do you should, you know, start gardening. I'm like, Oh, that's not going to happen. That's not going to occur. I would say it in like the dumbest, simplest way possible. And I felt like she like, she just kind of stopped after a while, like she would come over and clean so much, like in front of me to piss me off. But I was like, no, that's helpful. I had a friend over once and she was doing it. And he was like, if you want to get behind the couch, she was a comic. He's like, if you want to get behind the couch, you just get

that corner right there. Like he was directing her. So I feel like I feel like with people like that, like, yes, as direct as you could ever be and she wants what you have like she wants access to that kid you know what i'm saying so like you're in control in the situation yeah when we're more vulnerable is when we don't need something you need very little except to be left alone more is your partner somebody who can tolerate being around your mom for a short amount of time yes but he is a lot more comfortable being direct with her so maybe i just like kind of follow his lead because he does do that and it does work. She does listen

to him. I'm so sorry. Is this your mom or his mom? This is my mom. Go fucking tell her to fucking back off then. I was thinking this is his mom the whole time. I'm like, no, you tell your mother to fucking stop it. She doesn't get to overrule you. You're an

adult woman now with your own kids. Yeah. What I've tried, I've recently tried being like, I'm not asking, I'm telling. So I'm just going to stick to that. You have to be very firm with your own mother. I didn't realize that either. Until just now. I was late to that party too.

But yeah, if it's your own mom, yeah. I flipped in the mother-in-law thing there and it kind of confused you guys. My mom is here right now and she does a thing when I tell her something, clearly. She gets wounded immediately and starts like weeping. So like I was like, hey, can you get something for my daughter's birthday party, like to fill these goodie bags? Because I was like on these Zooms yesterday and I was like, just get anything to put in

a goodie bag. She came back with like sheets of like shit stickers, like poop sticker. And I was like, mom, I can't put this in her like four- four year old goodie bag. It's that shit. And she's like, well, I'm sorry, Rachel, I did the damn best I could. And like she starts weeping. And like five years ago, I would have felt like I had just assaulted my mother because she always weeps if you give her a note, you know. But now I'm just like, Mom, you can weep or not. But I can't like put shit stickers in here. Like I and I'm going to get on this Zoom now. Can you get something else, you know? And I also realized like she's always going to be weeping. It's not about me. It's about her alcoholic mother or something. You know,

I mean, like I don't take it personally anymore. My mom always has like a sort of vaguely muttering to herself or weeping. And I just know that that's what she likes to do. And she probably won't stop, but she's here. She's helping out out i'm not taking on her day weeping yeah that's very good advice yeah we have a better relationship now i like to advise i'm not taking it myself like not personal at all just letting it personal yeah my friend jessica curson really funny comic she always says like people are insane they are walking around furious all day it doesn't have anything to do with you usually Usually, you know, people are just not okay. They're not well. Yeah. So if you can imagine a little sticker, she always says that to me,

just imagine a little sticker on this person's forehead that says sick. And that's always a helpful tool for me when I'm communicating to not personalize. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Ali, is that helpful? Yes. So helpful. I'm excited to share if it works. Okay. Thank you. Okay. Bye. Bye. I think it's funny it. It works. Okay. Thank you. Thanks, Allie. Yeah, let us know. Okay. Bye. Bye. I think it's funny that we both missed the main part of that. Oh, yeah, I know. You should have seen me last week. I was like, I got the whole story backwards. I'm like, I'm listening and then I'm confused. I don't understand.

Well, our next caller is Ryan and he's calling in from Norway. He says, Dear Chelsea, Hi, I'm Ryan. I'm originally from Vancouver Island and I've been living in Oslo, Norway for the past four years. I originally moved to Scandinavia for a wonderful Norwegian man. Although they're all introverts, they can be very intoxicating. However, our four-year relationship ended last autumn. I've been on a beautiful journey of healing and self-love lately and have been filling my own cup, but I'm unsure of how much I want to include my ex in my life. Any advice on how to navigate this?

Cheers and a big hug from finally sunny Oslo, Ryan. Hi, Ryan. Hi, Ryan. Hello. Hi, Chelsea. Hi, Cameron. Hi. I'm coming to Oslo.

I'm coming to perform there, I think, in the fall. No way. Oh, my goodness. I was there last summer. I saw Springsteen in Oslo. It was so fun outside at that outdoor park. You way. Oh my goodness. I was there last summer. I saw Springsteen in Oslo. It was so fun outside at that outdoor park. You and all my lesbian friends.

Amazing. I know. I was. I get confused with lesbian a lot, actually. So what's the status of the relationship now? Yes. The status is we, I mean, our lives are no longer entangled at all. He's a truly incredible person and a really lovely guy. We broke up about just

under eight months ago. We were friends for four years and then we dated for four years. And now I'm like, oh, could we be friends again? Is that realistic? Do you feel attracted to him? Like sexually? Yeah. Not right now. No. What do you mean right, not right now? Like it can come back though? This autumn? This afternoon? I think no.

I think so. We broke up because a couple of reasons. But the main reason was I wanted to explore something more open. And he, although was very willing to have a discussion, didn't. And so when we did open our relationship, we brought in a mutual friend, which then led to the demise of our relationship. That tracks. What an unusual ending.

I know. I mean, honestly. So sounds a little bit like you're still hung up on this guy. Are you? I wouldn't say I'm hung up on him anymore. Honestly, the thing is, we have a lot of like in common. And so when I moved to Norway with my ex, I'm originally from British Columbia, Canada. And so when I moved here, like all of my network was through my ex. I don't think I'm hung up on him anymore, but I do think there may be a place in my life for him, but I'm not sure how to even approach that topic right now. If you guys were friends for four years and you dated for four years, I think it's totally realistic that you could be friends again. It's hard to be friends

with someone when you haven't been friends with them ever and you've only been romantic. But if you're friends, you can always go back to that. Yeah, people do it all the time. And I mean, you have the perfect excuse or reason. It's not really an excuse. It's a reason. How would you approach that conversation with him?

To reconnect? Yeah, yeah. I would just say like, here I am, you know, I'm here living in Norway and like, you know, obviously this is am, you know, I'm here living in Norway. And like, you know, obviously, this is how we're connected. And I'm here and it's been a long time. I'm like, I hope you're well.

Send him a really thoughtful, nice email checking on him. And you'd love to see him. But make it clear that you're coming from a friend's perspective. Don't make it flirty or weird. You could even say like, you could refer to some earlier period of your life or I mean earlier time when you guys used to be friends something used to do then I miss when we were whatever I know things didn't work out with but I enjoyed talking out and hanging out whatever just so it makes it really clear that I think that is important but that's not making it clear Rachel because that's making it confusing I think to say

I really enjoyed hanging out with you. Oh, you mean in addition to fucking you, like the other things I liked? Oh, I don't know. You're absolutely right. No, you're right. You're absolutely right. No. Yeah. You want to make it say when you weren't inside me, I guess is what you should add in parentheses. When we weren't inside each other. I think just don't tell him you like anything about him. Don't say that right now. Just reach out and send a really nice email checking in how he's doing. You love Norway. Bring up things that there's going to be a response to, right? Like all the cool things about Norway that you've discovered or that you love that you've rediscovered or that remind you of him, whatever, but in a non-romantic attitude. Okay. Yeah. And I think that that's

probably the right way. So the last time I saw him he mentioned that his father had health problems and you know I burst into tears and I thought oh this is someone I've spent four Christmases with this is someone I really used to care about and I asked like oh do you want a hug and he just said no I thought oh my god you're being so Norwegian right now like what he wanted to hug you before like was that was he never a guy he was I mean it's funny. Maybe I forced him to be, like, a physical person when we were together because I'm quite in the cold.

But I mean, that's probably a good sign that he, in a way, because the fact that he wasn't immediately like, yes, like, maybe when you do set those clear boundaries, again, take none of my instructions now that I think about it. I second that. I second that. Pretty awful. Don't take anything Rachel says seriously. And I'm right behind her.

So you've got Catherine left. Take only Chelsea's instructions, but I feel like he might take it well. This is instruction only. I still think you're hung up on him. I don't know what it is, but you are giving off a vibe that you're into him and you want to get in

and you're pretending that you want to be friends, but you want something more. I'll tell you what it is. It's because why would there even be a talk the fact that it's being discussed at all like you wouldn't be thinking about it this much if you're talking thinking about talking to somebody again that you aren't attracted to anymore or have no lingering feelings for. It would just be like you do or you don't like I feel like you wouldn't waste this precious time with my brilliant advice. But I mean like I don't know there's probably something there.

Yeah. So maybe take a look at it. I think there is probably something there. I don't think I want to pursue anything like we had, like, you know, we were living together for four years. I don't think I want to pursue that again. And I do want to pursue something more open with other people. And I've started recently dating again, which has felt interesting and nice.

But I think, I think Chelsea, you might be right that there are some lingering feelings. The way you're talking about it, it's just like you're, you're something you want unfinished or something's unfinished. It's too whimsical. It's too whimsical or something.

Something's not tracking. Go get your tarot cards read. It's for a real answer. I like that. I like that answer for this. Yeah. If you want the truth, go get your tarot cards read. It's for a real answer. I like that. I like that answer for this. Yeah. If you want the truth, go get your tarot cards read. And if he's not interested, I think you got to give him space like months before you reach out again. And there's a lot of other beautiful Norwegians out there. So that's what I say. That's how I start my day. That's my morning

affirmation. You're very handsome, Ryan. I feel like you'll do well. I'm not worried about your numbers. That's very generous. Thank you. All right. Thank you so much, Ryan. Thanks, Ryan. Thank you three. Thank you.

He's like, I'm in Norway. It never gets dark here. No. Yeah. He said he was like, it's the midnight sun now. So, well, let's take a quick break and we'll be back with a quickie to wrap up. Okay. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be back with a quickie to wrap up. Okay. your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer? We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you,

and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park.

Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really.

Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason Bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. We are back. Now, this email is not very quick, but I think the answer will be quick.

Let me try and stay focused. Rachel, you and I will be trying to focus. If we both try to focus at the same time, who knows what kind of focus we can gather. Amanda says, Dear Chelsea, Chelsea, I adore you and I hope my life looks like yours one day.

My best friend of over 25 years got married last November. I planned the bridal shower because she lost her mother the summer we were going into high school. So my mother and I spent over $2,500 on the bridal shower. She then had a destination bachelorette at Walt Disney World, which ended up costing me another two grand, not to mention she convinced me to get an annual pass because she claimed we would go back together in the next year, which was an additional $500. Her wedding was a destination wedding in Mexico, which cost me over four grand, and I photographed her wedding, which is about a $5,000 value.

There was a lot of drama leading up to the wedding. Is this Price is Right? What the fuck? value. There was a lot of drama leading up to the wedding with her and another bridesmaid being very selfish, and she proceeded to make my life a living hell for the rest of the year. My best friend, the bride, continued to ask me to be the bigger person through all of the events and bite my tongue and not say anything to her, and I did just that. The wedding, everything went off without a hitch. I was the maid of honor, so I hired someone to come with me and be able to shoot the wedding since I was in it. Fast forward to the last day of the four-day weekend we spent in Mexico. I admittedly got a little too drunk, which is something that is very uncharacteristic of me, and I haven't been that drunk in like seven years,

and I lost all my inhibitions and said things to that other bridesmaid and her husband. Good. Basically made a fool of myself. I have since apologized, but me and my best friend have not spoken since the wedding. Now to my question, since I obviously have her wedding photos. I assume this is something she probably wants as it has all of her photos of her guests and her and her husband. And I don't want to just give her these photos for free. My question to you is if I should send an email stating

if she wants these photos, the dollar amount is XYZ and if she doesn't, I'm happy to delete them. I understand that money is not everything, but I'm a single woman running my own small business and she has way more money than I do and I've wasted over $13,000 this last year on nothing. It was a waste of my time, a waste of my money and I did all those things for her

because I thought we were important to each other. Obviously, over the last few months, I miss her occasionally, but not quite as much as I thought I would. So please let me know if you think it's worth it to ask her to pay for the photos or if I should not contact her unless she contacts me about them. Thank you so much for your time. I love you all. Keep doing the good work you do. Sincerely, Amanda. And no need to keep me anonymous. Let that bitch hear it. A journey. Jesus, fuck. What no need to keep me anonymous. Let that bitch hear it. A journey. Jesus, fuck. What do you think, Rachel? I think you should do a little less accounting.

A little less tallying. Yeah. Yeah. I think if you give somebody something, you just give it to them. You're acting like an accountant. These are like the commission statements I get from my agency. Like, you can't. You just got to give it to them.

And you can't be like, if I was this, if we were friends, then A, B, and C. Personally, I think you might want to just give her her wedding photos and work on your business. That's kind of what I think. I agree. I agree. I understand if you can't find it in your heart or financially, like you can't not get paid for this, which you already agreed to do it without getting paid. So now you're adding a price for not talking to her. It's the same thing that Rachel's talking about. It's like tip for tap. Like you should give them to her. And if you don't feel comfortable, you can't do that. Then wait until she contacts you for them and then give them to her.

But you shouldn't contact her and reach out to her at all. Unless it's with a Dropbox link with all her wedding photos. Like that, I think, is the only communication here. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't really be in the business of charging. I mean, you got to walk out of this as a bigger. If it really was only a mistake that you made and you were completely provoked, then your behavior in this instant should be to show grace

so that she can detect or, you know, infer what really happened in the long run. You know, you're just like shutting the door on the friendship another way by saying, hey, you owe me money for this. So yeah, release the wedding card. This isn't the advice you wanted to hear, but skip it. And when you have lists that long of what people have done to wrong you, it's also a time to like, take a look at yourself. You can't just keep score all the time. It doesn't work that way. Yeah, no, I mean, you're, this is the kind of stuff that I do believe, although I love the chapter of the email where you kind of like, you know, drunkenly said some things. That was the most fun part for me personally.

I like when shit hits the fan in a fun loving tale, sure. But I think that that might be, maybe connected to holding on to all of this like resentment, all this tallying. Like you don't want to be that tightly wound that you're crunching numbers every time you're hanging out with a friend.

No, no, not at all. I would let it go. Let it go. Everyone let it go. Rachel Feinstein, what a dream. What a dream, Jew, you've been. Thank you, guys. It's been nice to spend time with you.

I look forward to spending more time with you in Hawaii. I can't wait. And everyone else who's listening that we'll see in Hawaii. So I'll see you in your thong and you'll see me in your thong as well. Thank you guys so much. This was so fun. I had the best time. Bye, Rachel.

Congrats. Okay, so upcoming shows that I have, you guys. Auckland, New Zealand. This was so fun. I had the best time. Bye, Rachel. Congrats. Okay, so upcoming shows that I have, you guys. Auckland, New Zealand. Wellington, New Zealand. Melbourne, Australia. Brisbane, Australia. Sydney, Australia. We've added second shows to places that have sold out the first. And then I'm going to be in Hawaii on Maui, Kahului, and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July 27th. I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in Florida on July 28th. I'll be in Auburn, Washington on August 1st. And then Santa Rosa, California for my second show, August 2nd.

August 17th is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You do not want to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to St. Louis and Kansas City. And then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My first three dates in Vegas are September 1st, Labor Day weekend, and then November 2nd and November 30th. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater on November 8th. And I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December. So if you're in a city

like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check ChelseaHandler.com for tickets. Okay. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at dearchelseapodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at chelseahandler.com. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast

is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast.

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