Dear Chelsea - Commitment Issues
Episode Date: July 22, 2021A twenty-something considers a boob job. A single woman wants to talk to people about anything other than her dating life. A gay New Yorker keeps getting friend-zoned by his love interests. And a de...sperate roommate wants out of a toxic situation.The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man,
we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season.
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Sweetheart, it's very distracting to sit next to you
when you look this good. Okay, well,
sweetheart, let me just tell you, I'm not trying to be suggestive here because you know how shy I am.
But when I button my shirt.
I know, I'm modest.
When I button my shirt, do you see that pucker?
Yeah.
That's not acceptable.
So I don't care.
I'll just rather have a little cleavage.
You have a little Dolly Parton stretch across the bosom when you try and button it.
Yeah, and you can't keep your eyes where, yeah, my eyes.
I really do have such fixation on your breasts.
Today I walk up the stairs.
So I went to the house before we recorded today
and you're just standing there,
like presenting yourself, peacocking.
And it's very hard for me not to be enamored
with your boobs, honestly.
Well, it's hard for me to only be enamored
by a gay man for my looks and my boobs.
I know, how-
I mean, it's out of sight.
Men can't even-
How are we ever gonna get what we want? I don't know. I mean, it's out of sight. How are we ever going to get what we want?
I don't know.
I don't know.
The way that I was getting men that I wanted
was by inappropriate behavior,
which is forbidden now.
So, like, you can't even...
Guys aren't even...
They're pretty much too scared
to even hit on us right now.
So, like, there's not a lot of action happening.
And by the way, keep it that way.
You step outside in that dress
and there will be action happening. You look like for anyone listening who gets this reference, she looks
like a sexy Miss Honey today from Matilda. I mean, it's like an Amish dress, but you somehow
make it sexy. Thank you. Thank you, sweetheart. I appreciate that. I just want to build you up.
I had a rough night in my bed last night. Bert fell out of the bed last night.
Oh, he did? Yeah. Well, first,
let me tell you, I last night, it was a loud thump. And I was like, oh, God, he must have
broken an arm. Of course, I didn't get up because I was like, he'll figure it out. But he's so soft,
it doesn't matter. His bones aren't like, you know, they're not brittle. They're just like
soft also. But I was sleeping and I felt like this hangnail on my finger. And I
remember just lifting my arm out off of the bed and reaching out for somebody to clip it.
I was going to come and manicure it in that moment.
Yeah. I thought somebody was just going to like you were there and you were going to clip my
hang or somebody was in my dream. I was going to materialize.
And then I realized that my arm was up. I was like, what are you doing? I was like,
oh, this fucking hangnail. I have those little things in bed
sometimes where it's such an irritation and it's so minor. Like I will rub in between my eyebrows.
And if I feel one of those really coarse unibrow hairs, I will have to get out of bed to go pluck
it before I can fall asleep. Oh, yes, of course. But I will. I did because I don't have hair in
between my eyebrows that's growing currently because I'm 46.
So that river stopped.
Did you get that lasered off?
Oh, probably.
Yeah, that might be why it's not growing also.
Thank you for reminding me, sweetheart.
I mean, I've done laser hair removal two rounds, full rounds, and nothing works.
In the middle of your eyebrows?
No.
I want to do my eyebrows, but you can't pluck them for months.
Like, you just have to shave it. And I'm not going to be someone who shaves their eyebrows. No, just keep to do my eyebrows, but you can't pluck them for months. Like you just have to shave it.
I'm not going to be someone who shaves their eyebrows.
Just keep your eyebrows going.
Anybody who fucks with their eyebrows is making a mistake because when you get older, they don't come back.
So just hold on to your eyelashes and your eyebrows.
The best thing I did in my adult life was letting my eyebrows grow in because I had very gay eyebrows for a while.
And now they're.
What are they now?
They're big Italian eyebrows.
But it looks like you're peacocking with your eyebrows i don't have breasts i could well you i kind of do a little bit
now yeah you do you have a little boobie action not like i do but nobody does no one no one has
that sort of action i just feel like we've done such good work here lately and i don't want to
we can't pat ourselves on the back like that it's too too obnoxious. It excites me to come in here.
I know, right?
Yeah.
So maybe that's what I mean.
It excites me that we've gotten to speak to people.
And every time we sit down in the studio, I'm like, who are we going to fucking talk to today?
Well, also, we've had such serious issues come in, right?
Right.
I mean, we drove home the other day and we were like, oh, my God, these are serious issues.
So it's good that we have kind of a cabal of like people to bring in for certain people,
because I think we are a little bit out of our league in some of these areas. I thought these
were just going to be typical advice giving and some of them are a little bit more deep.
But I like that we're smart enough to know that they're like, hey, someone else.
And when we do need to bring somebody else in, we will. And when we just need to be
sweethearts together, that's what we'll do also.
We're going to take a break right now, and we're going to be right back.
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I think we should just get right into it today. I would really like to start tackling some of
these issues because today is all about commitment issues.
And I think we both have our own perspectives on these.
Well, you're in a committed relationship and I'm not.
Well, there you go. That's very telling.
Our first mission comes from Kaylee. She writes, Dear Chelsea, I have an important question for you.
Nearly two years ago, I got out of a 10-year relationship. It was very hard, but the right thing to do. I'm in a good place now. Well, as good as I can be living at home with my parents
during a global pandemic. I have a great job that I love, and I'm lucky enough to have comfortable
income. I have wonderful friends, and I'm able to chase passions in my spare time like skiing.
Oh, that's good, Kaylee. So on the question, how do I know if I'm ready for love again? I think the idea of marriage is insane after the shit that I went through.
I honestly can't see myself being with someone, but I don't want to be closed off either.
How do I learn to trust again?
How do I decide if and when I need a partner in my life?
I mean, this is something that everyone goes through after a breakup.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is she on the phone?
She's on the phone.
Look at her.
Hi, Kaylee.
Hi, Kaylee.
Hi.
First of all, what kind of spelling is that?
Are you Nordic or?
It's Gaelic.
Gaelic.
That's what I meant.
Gaelic, Nordic.
Yeah.
Fuck, Brandon.
Hi, Kaylee.
It's nice to see you.
How are you doing?
Good, thanks.
How are you?
We're well, thank you.
How long have you been single?
Almost two years in July.
Uh-huh.
You look nice. You look nice and sweet. Why did it end?
The best way to sum it up is I read the definition of what it is to be gaslighted about a year later and was shook. So I think it was just that kind of situation where the reality
that we all live in wasn't the reality that he was trying to reflect. So I'm really happy to be out of it. But the thing that's happening now is people keep asking me,
well, when are you going to do something about your situation? I'm like, why do I have to?
That's because people are fucking unoriginal and they don't have anything more interesting
to ask you than to say, when are you going to have a new boyfriend? What's going on? Are you
dating? I can't tell you how many times. I mean, even now, it's like, know me less.
Like, that is not part of my identity, who I'm dating, or that's not my main agenda in life,
is who I'm dating. I have a sister-in-law, a Russian. Her name is Olga. And she, every time
I come home, she's like, Chelsea, any men? I'm like, Olga, I don't want to talk about men on
my vacation with my family. Like, that's the least of my worries, you know? So I understand
how annoying it is to be asked that question over and over and over again. But people just don't
have any original questions to ask because then if you're with someone, then it's the next question
is when are you guys going to get married? And then when you get married, it's when are you
going to have a baby? The bigger issue here is that people think your identity only comes from
being with someone. And when you're with them, how that dynamic embodies who you are. Like you're, you're a full person outside of that relationship. That's why relationships,
like you need to maintain some autonomy in a relationship. I hate when people couple you
together. That's like, oh, the Johnsons, whomever. It's like, no, no, no. Or women. I mean, this is
so terrible, but women who write in their Instagram bio, like wife to so-and-so it's like,
that's how you want to identify yourself. No, I know. I hear you. I hear you. I think it's important for
you to maintain like your singledom in a way where you're not expecting it to go in any direction.
Like to be open-minded means you're open for anything that's unexpected, any change. You're
open-minded to being single. If that's the road you're supposed to go down, you're open-minded
to dating and you're open-minded to to having a relationship like a more serious relationship. And if you live like that,
where it's not dependent, like, you know, some people are desperate to find someone. And that
just ends up defining them in the wrong way. Right. Like, why do you need another person so badly?
So as long as you're like celebrating your singledom in the right way, a people are going to
be attracted to that, you know, people are interested in that and independence. And you're
more likely to find the type of guy that you're going to be attracted to if you're really into
being, you know, your true authentic self. Kaylee, are you dating at all?
No, not at all. Not in a while. I just, it was, it's just not where I wanted to put the energy
in my life. I wanted to have fun at work, have fun with friends. Yeah.
Good way to say that. I like the way you said that.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
There's a confidence that comes with that, of knowing that you don't have to be fulfilled
by anyone and that you're giving yourself the fulfillment that you need, either with an
activity, skiing, with work, whatever that looks like for you. But there's also an
element of those minor interactions that you could go on a date with that confidence and not worry if
there's going to be a second date that you make the decision like, oh, I'm actually not into this
guy at all. Like that's powerful. And knowing that I don't need you gives you a lot more space
to interact with people without the burden of where is this going to go?
Yeah, I couldn't agree with that more. And I find it, it took away from my life instead of adding to it. And it's just
all the wrong reasons. And I find people kind of put you on their track of what they want you to
do, who they want you to be. And I just, I'm not interested in that in any way, shape or form.
Right, exactly. And that's the important thing is not to let yourself be defined by what others
expect from you, right? Who gives a shit what others expect from you?
It's what do you expect from you?
And also, you know, when you get out of a relationship
where there is an unhealthy attachment,
I remember I broke up with this one boyfriend
and we had this really volatile relationship for years.
It went on and on and off and on and off.
And everyone was just like, all our friends were like,
oh, shut up already.
You know, you two just like break up already.
And I just wanted to dream of the time where I wouldn't be heartbroken.
I just wanted to think of the time.
I just want to be so fiercely single that this person doesn't affect me at all.
You know, that there's no tether to him.
And when I got there, I remember reminding myself like, oh, my God, this is where you've been hoping to be for so long and sit in this and enjoy this moment, you know, enjoy the freedom of not being tethered
to somebody who is giving you bad vibes. I love that.
It seems like, you know, exactly kind of where you're at and what you want. So I don't know
that there's much advice that we can give you because it seems like you are operating in the
way that we've we've had this this similar discussion with many callers,
and they really don't know how to reconcile where they're at. But it seems like you know
and have great confidence in your positioning personally and probably professionally right now
that you don't need. You really don't need any advice from us. You know you're doing the right
thing. Well, I think your take is so different
than the average person.
So I feel like I get so much pressure
and that's the first thing people ask when they see me.
So it's just nice to hear it
from people who are kind of understanding about
because that's not the reality I live in right now.
And I know people just want to make conversation,
but it's the worst.
Can I ask where, you don't have to give us a specific,
but where are you in the US?
Like Midwest?
Are you on a coast? I'm in Canada. Okay. So like, I always think when I hear of these types
of things, I'm from the Midwest. And again, there's like a very specific trajectory of life
for women that they're married with kids by a certain age. And I think that you have to be able
to enter those conversations with like a confidence and authority of like, this is where I'm at. Like,
I don't, I don't need this. You need to kind of put it back on them. Like, why would you think that I need a
man? Make them think about what they're asking and how ridiculous it is. Like, why do I need that?
That's a really good point. I never thought to do that.
And also, like, you don't want anybody who's ever going to take away. Right. You only want an
additive. All my friends are like, Chelsea, you're so picky. Your standards are so high. I go,
they can be. I'm fine without a man. So they can be as fucking high as I want them to be.
And until somebody fulfills those standards,
it's not going to happen
because I'm perfectly happy being alone also.
I love that.
And you're also never alone.
No, I'm never alone.
No, no, I'm never alone.
Not when I'm raising two parents.
I mean, two parents.
Two dogs.
They're both dead.
I was raising my parents and they both died.
So that's how great of a parent I am. And now I have two dogs who will probably transition into the afterlife after I
raise them. But you hear what we're saying. Yes, I do.
Kaylee, will you let us know if and when you do start dating and what that's like for you? And
what sort of men are out in the Canadian pond? Because sweetheart, you know, I don't know if
you're aware, but she now has a home in Canada. So we're going to need to find her some prospects.
Yeah, I need a mountain man.
I need a big, strong Canadian mountain man who's going to flip me over and spin me around.
Okay, well, we're going to manifest this for you.
Somebody in Alberta or BC, we can do it.
Okay, well, if he's out there, yeah, yeah, we'll manifest.
We'll manifest together.
We'll manifest both of our future lovers.
Yes, mine could just be a dog, though, or something like that.
It doesn't have to be an actual person. A dog is a great addition to anyone's life. That's always
an enhancement. That's what you want from a man. And that's what you'll get from a dog. There's
going to be a nice little pick me up in life. Take you out. You have company and you don't
really have to fucking answer to them. So even better. That's that's the advice. Go get a dog.
Perfect. I love it. Bye, Kaylee. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. It is true, though, when I come home and I see Bert and I just think like when I come home to the house and there's no one there, just the dogs. lifts me yeah you know that is like oh it's yeah it's so cozy and i could sit with him for fucking
40 minutes and rub him and rub his belly you know it's the lack of pressure in that situation where
there there's love and interaction but there's no expectation yeah there's no one i have my friend
just left her husband and she's like oh god it's so nice not having to cook dinner.
I'm like, cook dinner?
What are you, in fucking 1925?
I'm like, who is preparing dinner for their husband?
She's like, lots of women, Chelsea.
And I'm like, okay, well, there's one thing about singledom.
Well, A, I can't cook even for myself.
So I wouldn't be cooking for another person unless he had no taste buds.
Or an all-egg white diet.
Egg whites, turkey, and protein shakes is what I am basically
subsisting on ever since I saw Seaspiracy. She seems like she's going to be just fine. So it's
an interesting mix of people who submit or call in because I think a lot of people know exactly
where they're at and they just want someone. They want. Yeah. They want somebody to give them a
sign of approval. Right. And that's what we're here for sometimes, sweetheart.
Sometimes the heavy lifting isn't up to us.
It's up to the caller.
Well, let's see what Emily's got going on.
She is a 26-year-old from Maryland.
She works in health care. And she writes, Dear Chelsea, I have a 32A cup at 136 pounds.
So this is out of my wheelhouse.
You'll have to feel this one.
I used to weigh 200 pounds and my boobs were the same size.
A girl with small boobs and no ass means no sex life. Okay, I can handle this. breast implant illness, what happens if and when I get pregnant, and do or don't breastfeed.
Okay, great. Emily.
Emily, hi.
Hi, how are you?
I'm good. I'm good. How are you doing?
Doing really good.
Okay, so talk to us about your body situation.
So my boys, as I like to call them, because they're not girls, very, very small. I've been
flat chested pretty much my whole life. Like you guys were
saying, I was 200 pounds at one point in my life. Boobs stayed the same size. I was just flat and
then big round stomach, no ass, nothing. Oh my God. So you got big like that and your
breasts didn't get bigger with you? No, nothing. That's a real kick in the ass.
I lost all this weight and then still am somewhat confident, but not like fully confident
just because I wish I looked more like a female, had big boobs, could strut into a bar and like
people would notice me. So yeah, I just wanted to ask you if you had a small chest, what do you
think you would do? Well, I always, I admire people with small chest cause it's so not, I mean,
I got my boobs so prematurely. They came on the scene when I like overnight one summer when I was 12 and I literally woke up. Some guy put his arm around me in a movie
theater and I'm convinced that gave me my period because I seriously, he gave the next morning.
I said to my sister and her sorority sister was at our house and Martha's Vineyard. And I said,
I got my period. And my sister gave me to her best friend, Audrey. And she's like, Audrey,
will you help her? She got her period. And Audrey started showing me how to use.
Well, anyway, listen, I got my period and my boobs came in overnight.
OK, so the point is I've never had small breasts, but I always admire small breasts because
it's such a nice look that I've never had experience with.
So I like that look.
But I understand that you having had small breasts your entire life are probably over
it.
So let's talk about that.
Well, and I was just going to say that the different perspectives are so interesting
from an outside listener, because what you're describing and your definition of being womanly
and that you want to have this chest because it to some degree embodies feminism. Right.
Chelsea has had that and she's spoken about this a lot, but she had an ex who said they
weren't elegant because they were basically too big.
So it's interesting your two different perspectives on what it means to have these breasts and how it must feel for a woman who has them and who does not and their viewpoint on other women's bodies.
Yeah, you're always it's you're just looking at what the grass is greener.
Right. So that's the thing.
So if you're really thinking about it, you've had two consultations, so you're really considering it, obviously.
And everyone's supportive of that decision. Yeah, they are. And your family and stuff. Yeah. I mean,
it's obviously not a decision I can make for you. But I would say I understand when people
want to fix things about their bodies like that they don't like. I've done that. I have done that. I've had lasers. I had a full body laser once. I mean, I've done some crazy shit. So, yeah, I understand
wanting to do that. And I think if you've really thought about it long and hard, then you have your
decision there. You know, you've done all the due diligence. You've gotten a second opinion.
You know, you're weighing like all the options and you're thinking about what the future holds
if you do get that surgery, which is really smart.
You're thinking about breastfeeding and infection.
And I think those are all questions, obviously, for your doctor so that they can answer them more soundly than I can.
Because as a reminder in this episode, I'm not a doctor, but I wish I was.
So I have to constantly remind people that I'm not a medical professional.
But I think you have made your decision.
And I think you're on the right track to do that.
But you want to be mindful about your expectations, I think.
Well, and I think that women should do whatever they want with their bodies.
And if this is going to bring you joy and security in your body, then that's all that really matters.
But the confidence aspect, like how you said, like I have confidence, but maybe it's not
what I want. Like, this is just something to enhance what you already have. Like you're
beautiful because we can see you. And this should be something that when you get dressed in the
morning, like you do for yourself, that when you look at yourself, you're like, okay, I feel,
I feel better about how I look naked. Like that's why I work out. I don't care so much what other
people are seeing. When I look at myself in the mirror, I want to feel good about it.
So as long as the expectation is that you're doing this for you, not for how other people
perceive you, you can't really go wrong in your decision.
Yeah, I agree with you 100%.
It is how you perceive yourself and not what others think.
I don't think it was ever like that connotation, but it's always like how you perceive yourself
and if you could make it better and like you could enter like this whole new mindset, like maybe that would be a
possibility as well. Yeah. And I think when managing expectations, it's like to piggyback
on what Brandon said, like, obviously you want people to notice you. You said you want to walk
in a bar and have guys notice you. That's a component of this, but focusing on what you
really want to like about yourself is more important than what
other people are going to respond to. So you just want to keep having that kind of dialogue with
yourself, right? About this is for you. This is about you feeling better about yourself, which
will extend to you feeling better about yourself in front of other people. Yeah, I agree. That
makes sense. Okay. Another decision that was already made before she called in. I mean,
we're on a real roll today. Just kind of stamp where it's basically like where the government issued you your approval
to, I don't know, go abroad.
Broader.
Go broader.
Well, basically, I was wondering if you had a small chest, would you just be like, this
is what God gave me.
I'm going to work with it.
Or you're like, I have these resources and I know that I could do this and just like
weigh those options pretty much.
Can I ask a question?
Yeah.
Does your chest and the size of your chest affect how you go through your day?
No.
If anything, it's easier because I don't have like weight.
Right.
Then you also need to take that into consideration that if it's not affecting you mentally in
a way that like it's really deterring you from doing things, from going out in a swimsuit,
from feeling confident around people, from feeling okay in your own body. Because there are all these outside expectations
and influences and that you really need to think about. Like, I would get my nose done tomorrow
in a heartbeat if I knew that it would be done and there would be no issues. But how much of
that is just because of what I'm seeing around me? You know, there's just so much imagery of like this expectation of perfection that we're never going to meet. So you also need to be thinking about
what else after you get this done and say your breasts come out perfect. Don't let that be
something that sends you into a reflection of like, now I could get X, Y, and Z done.
Right. I don't want to spiral like that at all.
Right. Exactly. So it's a slippery slope with that kind of stuff because you do one thing and
you're like, you know what else I don't like?
And then you're like, you know,
you can focus on an area of your body.
Once you've sorted one situation out,
you can find another focal point to focus your attention on.
And that's also not a healthy pattern of behavior.
So I think you've really prepared for this well.
And I think your head is in the right space
to figure out, you know, what your next move is.
Awesome.
Well, I love what you guys had to say in your advice because, you know,
it just really makes me think I'm thinking the same things that a normal person would. And it's
not just body image issues, but it's like an everyday thing that other people think about as
well. Well, I'll wrap this up with if you walked into a bar, I would notice you. I don't know what
sort of value that is from a gay man, but you're very pretty. Thank you. So don't let that be the
reason that you go get something done because but you're very pretty. Thank you. So don't let that be the reason
that you go get something done because the confidence can show in so many ways. Oh, thank
you. Well, that's my new point. When I walk into a bar now and be like, well, you know, right.
This total stranger said that I, that I'm hot. So, and if you, and you, if you do get your
enlargements, what size are you going to get? Small. Oh yeah. That's the best way. It's crazy
because I would stay
like a medium B, small C. I wouldn't even want to like get like anything that people would be like,
oh my God, that's Dolly Parton or anything like that. Even though her boobs are great.
It would just be something that like people from high school would see me and wouldn't even like
notice I had anything really done. That's the best work. The work that they have to question.
Yeah. Minimal, minimal, not too, yeah, stay away from C's
when you're starting at A's, you know?
Oh, yeah. I don't want it to be like a
total shock either where I'm like, oh my god,
what did I do? Or have to
regret anything. Yeah. Luckily
now, boob jobs are so much more natural.
They're not like getting giant bazookas
onto your chest like Vegas, you know?
Nobody looks like that. That's not in style
at all. So yeah,
less is more now with boobs for sure. Yeah. I just want something I can cup.
Just something. Or something someone else can cup. Exactly. Well, good luck, Emily. Let us
know how it goes if and when you have your operation. Awesome. Thanks, guys. Bye. Bye.
Bye-bye. I think it's called a procedure, but it is also an operation.
I guess it is a procedure in my terms.
Let's get a plastic surgeon on.
I would love to speak with someone. It is an operation, actually, because you are surgically cutting someone open.
And there's so many ways to have them done.
We should have a plastic surgeon on, though, because I need a consult after that call.
Actually, we could have a plastic surgeon consult the callers who call in.
That would be great for self-esteem.
I would like to tack a consultation on for myself at that time.
You need to cool it with it.
What are you talking about?
Your nose.
What's wrong with your nose?
Everyone has one of those things.
Yeah, but what's your problem with it?
I just don't like it.
I don't think it's proportionate to my face.
Would you like it to be bigger?
No, I would like to keep the shape.
I would just shrink it down a smidge.
Oh, God, stop it.
That's ridiculous.
I know, it's stupid, which is why I can't get it.
Well, that and Jennifer Grey.
So, remember her nose?
Yeah, I do.
I loved her nose.
It was a cute little nose, wasn't it?
Oh, yeah, I loved it.
I love that nose.
Did you like that movie growing up?
Dirty Dancing?
Yeah.
Who didn't like that movie?
It's like everyone's dream come true.
Going to the Poconos and getting finger blasted by Patrick Swayze.
Of course I love that movie.
Baby in a Corner?
No one puts Baby in a Corner.
No one puts Sweetheart in a Corner.
No, no, no.
I wish I could dance.
You know why I like that movie so much?
Because she could dance.
Well, she really couldn't, but he could dance.
And he made her dance.
Which is hot.
That's what I want.
I need a man who's so good at dancing,
a straight man that's so good at dancing
that he can make me
we need to find you like a like a hot latino guy who could like or a black guy pull that out i
would love for you i mean i'm pretty into black guys i think we should just like i'm i love
everything about them so i think that's an obvious move i know the only thing is you don't see many
black guys skiing that's okay he. He doesn't have, well.
It would be nice if you have a hobby that you could do together.
Because that's my only hobby we discovered. I mean, other than rollerblading, which we haven't even been in a couple weeks.
I know.
Who knows if that's even my hobby yet. I don't think it is.
Well, it is. We're going this week.
Well, I need more hobbies, though. That's one thing we've discovered.
Besides skiing, because that's seasonal.
I'm already planning a summer skiing Christmas trip.
I know.
It doesn't make any sense.
I want to spend my summer skiing in South America
because that's how desperate I am to ski again.
We just need to get a snow machine in the backyard.
That's actually a great answer to a lot of our problems.
A snow machine.
It would be.
Let's see what answers.
We need a steep enough pitch for me to be able to ski down.
Luckily, there's that nice little hillside behind that house. If we got a little dog sled for Bert and Bernice to take you
up there, it'd give you something to do in the afternoons. Anyway, we digress onto the next
caller. His name is Grant. He's from Brooklyn. He's 23. He is a publicist or he works in PR of
some sort. We'll find out. He writes, Dear Brandon and Chelsea, I'm so in need of some
serious, stupid sexual advice. I keep getting friend zoned. And while I am more than happy to
add to my community of friends, I can't seem to break through it. Well, I don't want a partner
per se. I would like to stop having casual drinks with men. I've only shagged. They're lovely people,
but I frankly would rather have a lovely conversation over a barefoot Contessa meal
with my closest circle. That's a very specific setup, but I do agree.
Barefoot Contessa is great.
How do you manage expectations early on?
Do I really have to come out of the gate on the first date and say, I'm not looking for
friends?
Your buddy, Grant.
Grant, these are good questions.
Hi, Grant.
Hi.
They are good questions.
What's going on?
Oh, nothing.
I guess what's the question is what's going on with you? So you're having sex with people you're interested in and they're not interested in taking it further.
Well, it's kind of like it's like a run through, you know, you go on like one or two dates and then maybe potentially hook up or whatever after, you know, three or four.
And then you kind of get a text message. I'm saying something along the lines of like, let's go get another drink. Let's go hang out.
Let's go do our thing.
And then it's like, hey, I'd love to.
But boundaries, like, let's set them up.
Like, I want to be friends.
And that's totally cool.
And this happened, like, maybe the past, like, five people I've been dating, like, on a roll, one next to the next.
Oh, really?
Well, that's disappointing.
I know.
That's also gay men for you.
So, yeah i i do think
that setting the expectation up front basically i don't think there's anything wrong with that i
think it saves everyone time i think it puts you on the right track so you're not wasting
mental and physical energy agree directness is the best way to approach this situation and directness
is fucking hot so even though it seems like oh like do i want to put myself out there that way
yeah because you hear this in the gay community all the time that everyone wants a relationship, but no one's in a fucking relationship. So there's obviously there is a communication error happening. And so putting it out there like, hey, this is what I'm looking for a relationship or to date to see where this goes. I'm not looking to fuck you. Unless you are looking for that. And again, vocalizing that
there's nothing wrong with that.
I think he's looking to fuck them
and then he wants it to be a relationship.
Like you can, I mean,
obviously you have to test the waters.
So they have to figure out
if they want to be in a relationship with you,
but it's good to get it out of the way.
I'm not trying to make friends.
Like I'm here for a partner.
I'm looking for somebody to have sex with
and also date, right?
Right. And be in a relationship with. Is with and also date, right? Right.
And be in a relationship with.
Is that too much to ask for?
No.
I feel like every time I go on a date, like the first thing I say is like, that's great.
Like I kind of do try to set the expectation that I'm not.
So I think it just kind of like whittles its way in there.
And I've got like this little Oklahoma, like sweetheart mom kind of vibe going on.
So everyone just automatically is like rolling with the punches and can like kind of you know throw me into a different folder per se so yeah because
that is a nice thing to do i mean i'm not in the gay community like you are but i mean it is a nice
thing to do like if i hear from someone i'm not interested in i will usually just not respond
like i wouldn't say hey let's be friends like i would never say that because that's bullshit yeah
well i would literally rather be like ghosted and you never talk to me again rather than like us have like a weird ass
friendship where we're like hey how's it going how's your how's your weird roommate that i
don't even remember their name or care to like hear about you know no no you don't need to carry
that wasted energy right where are you meeting these guys you know likeinge. I had one recently that was like a friend of a friend
that had gotten out of a relationship like three months ago.
And I was kind of like testing the waters a little bit there.
And I initially was like this kind of like,
we are friends and then turn into a whole thing
and then went back to it.
So it's like communicating this to ongoing dating situations
is like just so strange.
Like constantly having to be like okay let's check
in like what are our boundaries here what's going on like it's this weird ebb and flow that i've
always dealt with in dating in the gay world and when was your last relationship like three or four
years ago and what happened oh god yeah let me get a margarita for that one i would love a margarita
it is so early i mean yeah margarita like 4 p. I would love a margarita. It is so early. I mean, yeah, margarita, like 4 p.m. sounds lovely.
Honestly, who cares
what fucking time it is?
If you need a margarita
and you know,
you need a margarita.
I don't care about what time
it is when I need a margarita.
You know what's saying
I can't stand is
it's five o'clock somewhere.
It's like, that's so stupid.
You know what it is?
It's time to have
a fucking margarita
is what time it is.
So, well,
I think what you should do,
like I would think instinctively, I think you just need to change your approach. It's like,
if you go outside every day and make a left and every day you get bitten by the same dog, right?
You eventually have to take a right and try a different direction or try a different avenue.
And so you have to change your approach to how you're dating these men and how you're coming
across or stating what you want from the very top.
And I think if you just change little nuances of your behavior, you'll get a much different
variety of results, which could either be good or bad. But I think it'll be good.
Maybe a couple of bad ones when you're getting started. You know what you mean? When you start
acting a little differently, you're like, oh, wait, maybe this might be too harsh. But it's
just the adjustment period where you're finding out how much you want to like change your direction, right, of what you're doing now. To add on to that, the only
other thing that I would suggest is casting a wide net and like dating multiple people,
not sleeping with all of them necessarily, but it's okay to go on multiple dates with multiple
people at the same time to see what feels right and to kind of reduce down what you're really looking for
from all of these guys because most gay guys are just so boring and simple and so just put yourself
out there the more the merrier you'll eventually find what works for you you can say most gay guys
are boring and simple most guys are certainly simple well is that true if you if you look on instagram they all look the exact same
they all sound the exact same they all do the exact same shit i mean i mean look i'm like a
40 year old mom which can sometimes be like a total turnoff when i like when i'm like hanging
out lounging in my room and just like listening to linda ronstadt that's kind of like a little
throwing off for a lot of gay men but like you know i know someone will someone will love that.
They'll love that low key energy that you bring that it's like cool and a little mysterious, but also maternal.
So embrace it, you know?
Yeah, you're going to find somebody that's going to love everything about you.
It's just a matter of weeding out.
And, you know, every step on the way to finding that person, you know, if that's what's important to you and you want to find that person, then you will.
And every step on the way to that is fine because it's just a step closer to what you're looking for, which is actually a serious, more meaningful exchange.
Right.
Well, cheers to that.
Let us know how it goes.
Also, Grant, you have beautiful skin.
Oh, my God.
Thanks.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
All right.
Well, let us know what happens. Keep us posted on your love life would you thanks everyone bye grant bye grant bye bye
another problem solved i mean dating for people i just it is good to be direct when you're dating
it's good to be like like because it could come off a little harsh like if i say it you know but
he's sweet and nice and if he says like hey i'm not looking for friends that's that's a much
different thing than me saying i'm not looking for friends.
It's just the games that people have to play.
And a lot of people, you know, they don't want to say that because they don't want to come off too strong or too eager or too interested.
So they just kind of let it like ride.
And then they end up where Grant is.
And it's frustrating for everyone.
It's like if everyone were just honest with what they wanted, it would save a lot of fucking time.
It does save a lot of time. It doesn't make everybody feel great all the time
when people are super direct because a lot of people need to be coddled and a lot of people
are uncomfortable with directness. But that's really more a reflection of them rather than
the person who's being direct. But I understand softening messages is important, especially for
me. My whole life I've been told, oh God, you know,
soften it down, take it down a notch. And you know, it was true. I needed to soften it down
and take it down a notch. So that was hard to hear over and over again. But once I applied it
and actually listened to it, it was helpful. But his situation is he's already nice and soft and
he needs to be a little bit firmer. So that's like a flip. I think for you, it was that you realize there is a different way to relay the same message.
Yes.
That your tone and how you presented it, you would get.
And I think a lot of times you would get.
I needed to think more about other people's feelings.
He needs to think less about other people's feelings.
He needs to think more about his own feelings and what he wants because he's accommodating these people that, well, he's not really accommodating them.
They're just telling him they'd rather be friends.
So he needs to be a little bit more direct and a little bit less friendly, I would argue.
Less friendly and then nobody will want to be your friend.
But then you'll find a boyfriend.
So it's a real mindfuck.
Brandon's not very friendly, are you?
Well, you're friendly.
I can be.
I'm really friendly to the checkout people at the grocery stores. I like those interactions because they're
really short. But then these longer interactions, like you go to dinner with someone or you're
going like, I've tried to go on hikes and you're just so exhausted by the end of it. You're like,
how could I possibly be your friend? I really wanted to fall asleep 30 minutes ago.
Well, hiking is also, I'm not into hiking. Everyone in L.A. likes to hike, and I don't find the views to be that nice once you get to the top.
Plus, there's snakes, so, you know, I have a real aversion to snakes.
I was going to say, you love physical activity.
You hate anything involving potential snake sightings.
Desert, dry, arid hikes.
That is, like, not my cup of tea.
Well, and that is California.
Exactly.
We're going to take a break right now.
Yes, we are, but we'll be back.
I'm Jason Alexander.
And I'm Peter Tilden.
And together on the Really No Really podcast,
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How are you, too?
Hello, my friend.
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The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers.
So that's why we created The Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts,
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Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters.
You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine.
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Very few companies who go viral are like totally prepared for what that means.
And Zoe Tillman, senior legal reporter.
Courts are not supposed to decide elections.
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Follow The Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen.
Good people, what's up? It's Questo, Questlove. And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to
bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to
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but we also love speaking to the folks who are making it happen behind the
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keystones to the culture.
This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations,
like I'm Pete Bill chatting up with hitmaker Sam Holland,
Sugar Steve chatting with the legend Nick Lowe,
and I've had pleasures of doing one-on-one conversations with Willow,
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These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else,
so make sure you go back and you check those episodes out, all right?
Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your
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Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapaport, and my gift to you is a free subscription
to the I Am Rapaport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics,
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I am here to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these
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Here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes.
You are not a real fighter.
You will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history ever fake
paul the movie is the apprentice and the movie is about young donald trump and his apprentice
roy cohen real character obviously both are real characters it kind of has a scarface
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Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
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I am Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's editor
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Okay, our next mission comes from No Name out of New York.
They write, this is a long one.
Dear child, I know. Fuck, people also need to shorten their emails. No name out of New York. They write. This is a long one.
Dear Chelsea. I know.
Fuck.
People also need to shorten their emails.
Dear Chelsea, I'm glad you no longer have a crush on Cuomo.
I had one too.
What a mess.
Yeah, no fucking joke.
During the first part of quarantine, I was subletting for about a year in a pretty chill
four-bedroom setup.
We weathered the lockdown together and actually had fun at times.
As time went by, some of the roommates were more laid back in their approach about the coronavirus
still dating partying going to underground clubs etc and when the lease was up they decided that
they wanted to go their separate ways well probably lucky for you because i was unemployed and not on
the lease i moved into a two-bedroom with one of the leftover roommates and i stupidly signed a
two-year lease that i could barely afford oh Long story short, well, long story long, it's a nightmare living with him and
I just found a job in Denver after being unemployed for almost a year. I start remotely but have to
move there by June and am leaving with my boyfriend. I haven't told him yet that I want to break the
lease. He was so terrible when our last roommates told him that they didn't want to live with him
anymore, so I'm scared to tell him and I keep putting it off, causing crippling
anxiety every day. I'm also scared my landlord is going to sue me because the building sucks.
So I'm thinking I can get out of that legally one way or another. Has this ever happened to you?
What have you done to confront someone you have lived with?
First of all, the anxiety that you're feeling about not confronting him is
paramount to what you would feel if you would just go ahead and confront him, which you need to do
immediately. And it's not a confrontation. It doesn't matter how he handled something in the
past. We're in a different time. So who knows? Maybe he'll handle it the same way or maybe he'll
handle it differently. But all you can control is how you handle it. And by not telling him,
you're creating way too much suffering for yourself.
So, A, you need to go in and talk to him honestly and tell him you got a job in Denver. You're moving to Denver.
How do you get somebody in there to take your place? That's the next move. Right.
Instead of necessarily I don't even know if you need to break the lease. I don't know what the landlord rules are in New York. I don't know about breaking lease. But if you find somebody to take your place and fulfill that spot, then I don't think you even need to get the landlord involved.
You need to get your roommate on the horn immediately because you don't want to waste.
Not even on the horn.
Go home and have the conversation.
Yeah.
You need to talk to them because you want to give them ample time to either try and find someone to sublet your room.
Going down to the wire is just going to make it more stressful for everyone. And you also can help be a part of
finding somebody. It is your responsibility since you signed it to your lease, but people get out
of leases all the time. So you just have to find a candidate and you can work with your roommate
and say, hey, let's do this together. I want to find somebody to fill my place too. I have to
leave. I'm not going to be able to afford to pay this rent anymore once I leave and move to Denver. So
it's just not something that you guys can avoid talking about any longer.
And also it's not personal. Like you got a job. So I think that that's something
in the conversation that this isn't that you just don't want to live with them. They're
going to understand that you have a new opportunity somewhere else and you have to leave. This isn't
just because you no longer like the living situation or conditions. So you just need to pull the trigger and have
the conversation. Yeah. And handle yourself with like dignity and respect so that the person,
if they spin out your roommate and if he's freaking out, you're not feeding into that.
You just sit there and these are the facts. And how are you going to find a solution?
Sweetheart, that was really great guidance.
Sweetheart. I would like you to answer the last part of this question, though, because you've had
multiple. Would you I don't know if you call them roommates or live-ins, what you've had.
But I found out I lived with my cousin the other day. My cousin, Michael, we were out. I was at
my family's and they were like, oh, remember when you lived with Michael? I go, when? They're like,
on 20th Street in Santa Monica, you lived with him for like six months. And I'm like, I don't remember living with Michael, not even one night. Like,
I don't remember. There's no memory? A six month. It sounds like it's plausible, but I don't
remember. Well, six month period of time that I do not remember living with somebody, which hopefully
is how this guy's going to feel when he moves to Denver. He won't even remember that he lived with
this guy when he's in his 40s. Well, let's talk about this.
What have you done to confront someone that you've lived with? Have you had issues? Because
you've had multiple people live with you. You've had old assistants. You've had friends. Was there
ever really like awkward or uncomfortable conversations that you had to have? Yeah.
Just about living together. Oh, well, yeah. Because if I lived with guys, either they would
try to sleep with me or I or I did sleep with them.
OK, so that never worked out because they would either become like almost like a little bit obsessed with you or you could have become.
Yeah, basically. I once lived with this elementary school teacher and I had no idea that he had a crush on me.
I was in my early 20s and it became obsessive and he became a little like borderline psychotic and I had to skedaddle, but I was so clueless because I had a boyfriend. I talked about my boyfriend. I was with my boyfriend all the time. I thought he was, and then he really turned on me. So I have had
uncomfortable situations like that, but, and also I've had raging blowout fights with roommates that
I've lived with, you know, about bills or about messes or about partying or whatever. I
mean, all of it. But have I ever, I don't think post therapy, I've had a situation where I had
to ask someone to get out of my house. I'm glad you don't have anyone living with you right now.
Right. So all the times that I've had to get people out of my house have ended badly.
Okay. Because of my, my disposition, because I wasn't handling it like an adult. I was like,
you know, you got to get out. I don adult. I was like, you know, you got to
get out. I don't like this. Or, you know, it was like just an open and shut case. In retrospect,
even though you didn't handle it properly, who was actually in the wrong? Well, I think in
retrospect, when you look back at everything, you're not thinking about who's in the wrong or
the right. You just look at it as a situation where two people are coming with opposing
perspectives. So it's not about right and wrong.
It's just about understanding that you're going to have a different perspective than your roommate does.
Every roommate I've ever had has ended poorly.
I would rather live in a van by myself than live with roommates.
Well, actually, speaking of vans, you should watch that movie with Frances McDormand that won an Oscar.
Nomadland?
Yeah, she lives in her van.
And she outfits it and jury rigs it and sets it up and builds it out from the inside out. I love Frances McDormand that won an Oscar. Nomadland? Yeah, that's she lives in her van and she outfits it and jury rigs it and like sets it up and builds it out from the inside out. I love Frances
McDormand. She reminds me of my aunt Gabby, Frances McDormand, you know, just doesn't give a shit
about anything. My aunt had a gun like nine or 10 years ago and was going to just go off on a van
trip with her gun. And I was like, what? We can't let her go anywhere with a gun and a van like she will
kill herself. And so I was watching it last night. Or someone else because she hates people.
Yeah, she hates people, my aunt. And I texted, it runs in our family. And I texted her and I said,
I hope you're watching Nomadland because this would have been you if we hadn't saved you.
She should call into the show. We can give her some advice.
She's real chatty, so that would be a lot of fun. She could call and go, fuck you, Chelsea. I don't know what sort of advice we give her for that,
but she could call and say it if she wanted to. All right. If you need advice, if you're having
interpersonal issues with a brother or a boyfriend, we would love to do family therapy,
actually. If there are a couple of people in the mix. Yeah. Or if you have a partner that you want
advice from, like couples counseling, that's really where I shine.
Please write in to DearChelseaProject at gmail.com.
We read all the submissions.
We will reach out.
We'll get you on the horn, on the phone.
Yeah, we care.
We're doing it, you guys.
This is serious shit.
Okay?
So we expect you to act accordingly.
And also, even if it's a really stupid problem, like the guy who was microdosing cocaine, I also enjoy that.
Yeah, we actually need more of those.
No issue is too small.
Or too big.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Also, I am on tour.
My tickets are officially on sale.
We've added a couple of extra shows shows and we are adding a Canadian date. So for my Canadian brothers and sisters who are reaching out to me, just know that I'm headed there.
It's just we're going to be announcing dates as we go.
You can buy tickets at Ticketmaster for my shows.
I'm at the Santa Barbara Bowl, August 21st.
So you can come see me there.
And then I have all the other cities that I have already released and tickets are available.
And I can't fucking wait.
It's called Vaccinated and Horny.
So make sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horniness and then keep them to yourself, please.
I'm Jason Alexander.
And I'm Peter Tilden.
And together, our mission on the Really No Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like And I'm Peter Tilden. Signed, Jason Bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid.
Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF.
And me, Mandy B.
As we dive deep into the world of nontraditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives
dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity,
we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern
relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations.
From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate
with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open
dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world.
Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic
connections.
Tune in and join in the conversation.
Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network,
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers.
So that's why we created The Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts,
to give you the context you need to make sense of it all.
Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters. We'll see you next time. wherever you listen. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rappaport.
And my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rappaport Stereo Podcast,
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I am here to call it as I see it.
And there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Listen to the I Am
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People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up
another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the
season, but I don't want any of you guys
to miss all the incredible conversations
we've had so far. I mean, we talked
to A. Marie, Johnny Marr,
E., Jonathan
Schechter, Billy Porter,
and so many more. Look, if you haven't
heard these episodes yet, hey,
now's your chance. You gotta check them out.
Listen to Questlove Supreme
on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you get your podcasts.