Dear Chelsea - Everything Everyone Says is True with Jay Shetty

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

Jay Shetty joins Chelsea in the studio this week to talk about clearing out the cobwebs from your mental space, how his meditation practice has changed since his years as a monk, and why your mood follows your actions - not the other way around. Then: A mom finds herself trapped and surveilled as her toddler follows her every move. A podcaster fights his way out of a seasonal depression funk. And a terrible loss leaves one widow wondering if she’ll ever love again. *Executive Producer Nick StumpfProduced by Catherine LawEdited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert*****The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, hi, everybody. Some tour dates coming up. I'm doing two shows in Winnipeg. That's Winnipeg. I want to say Manitoba, Canada, but I could be wrong.

Anyway, it's in Canada, March 10th and March 11th. There are still tickets for the March 10th show. So pick those up. I'm coming to Toronto, two shows, still tickets for the second show available. Then I go to Ottawa and then I kick off my American portion of the tour, picking back up April 14th in Iowa, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and then Des Moines, Iowa, and then Omaha, Nebraska. One, two, three, punch. Go to chelseahandler.com for the rest of the cities that I will be touring in. And we are picking back up my Vaccinated and Horny tour after my brief ski respite. So we had a little dipsy doodle skiing this week.

First of all, good afternoon, everybody. Hi. Hi. Hi, Catherine. Hi. Joe Coy does not like to ski in the trees. And a lot of people are scared of the trees. I love the trees, but I try not to force him down the trees.

But I try to go in trees where there's space so that he doesn't have to make any quick, fancy moves. And I take him in the trees a lot to practice so that he'll start to like. The only way to get better at something is to continually do it, right? Yeah. Anyway, so there was a huge, huge snow dump in Whistler. And now I'm speaking like skiers. There was a huge dump. And we went through the woods.

And we were with my guide, Kelly, who is an excellent skier. And Joe could not get his skis underneath him. He was falling left, right, and center. And he skied pretty much into a tree. It wasn't a big tree. So I was like, honey, stay there. I'll come up. Cause I was beneath him. I had skied down. I was down like 20, well, probably 30, 40 feet. First I was like, fuck, do I take my boots off for my skis? Cause that's a big no-no in skiing. Like you never want to be in your boots cause you don't know how deep the powder is going to be.

And then you could sink all the way down. Sure. So you need your skis because they're like a boat. So I was like, fuck, fuck. So I took them off and I started to climb up. I was like, all right, I'm strong enough. I'm a mountain woman now. I know how to do this. I'll go get him. And I could not.

Like I did not have the stamina to step through this. There was such deep powder and I was going up. And so I called down. Kelly was another 30 feet beneath me. And I was like, Kelly, you got to go get him. I can't. She's like, I'm coming. I'm coming. I called down. Kelly was another 30 feet beneath me. And I was like, Kelly, you got to go get him. I can't. She's like, I'm coming. I'm coming.

I'm coming. So and he the whole time I'm like, stop moving because he's trying to navigate himself. He's trying to get himself out of the tree. And I'm like, it could be a tree. Well, in that situation, just stay where you are. Do not move. Wait for someone to come. Is that like kind of quicksand ish?

Well, if you move around too much, you could get stuck in it. So if you're not stuck in it, just wait. You know, trying to get yourself out of it will help you get stuck in it. Got it. You know, that's a possibility. So she had to go up and get him. It took, this took like 40 minutes. And when he came down, he was like, where were you?

He said, where were you? You know, like that was bad. And where were you? And I was like where were you he said where were you you know like that was bad and where were you and I was like fuck I was right down here Joe I was supervising the entire the entire thing and he goes you really need to think about that I needed you and you weren't there and I was like honestly I thought I would be putting both of us in danger if I came up when I knew we had someone I go if we didn't have Kelly I would have come up and done it absolutely but we had Kelly and then I thought maybe I'm pushing him too far you know like I don't want him to get hurt or injured and it's funny to make him ski hard and he's by the way he's fucking great he's gonna be a better skier than I am by the end of this Anyway, just a little story to tell where I really felt like a piece of shit

because I was like, he was right. I should have been right by his side, especially when I'm making him do something. Yeah, and it's nice to know that you guys don't just only have a perfect, wonderful relationship. Like, you have to work through some stuff too. Oh, no, he calls me out on shit. You know what's so funny?

When we went to Canada, because I was so, I was like, do not get this Omicron before we left in December I was like you cannot get Omicron I have to get into Canada skiing is my happy place I need this time this year in order if I don't get into Canada because I test positive for Omicron like I'm gonna be pissed at you right so he's like and I'm on him he's on tour he travels with the crew so I'm always like be careful be careful we get to we get to Canada and my friend Ange she was having us over she goes oh my god I tested positive for COVID Omicron like seven days ago she said public health has cleared me they said it's only seven days it's been seven days since my first symptom it's seven days now I shouldn't have it but I will be testing positive for it They said I could test positive for it for 180 days.

I was like, oh, fuck it. I don't care. We're here. Let's go. We'll go over to Angie's. I bring my own COVID test because I have them. Right. And we give her a test.

And Joe looks at me and goes, Chelsea, she's positive. And I go, Angie, go to the end of your garage. Like, just stand in the back of your garage. Like, wear your mask and stand in the back of your garage. As the night went on, like, different kids were coming down. She's like, you go upstairs. He's shedding. He's positive.

He's negative. I was like, oh, my God. We're, like, in the hub of the Omicron virus. So when we left there, like, it took, like, a week. But Joe goes, I need to talk to you. He goes, you're a fucking hypocrite. He goes, you made such a big deal about me and being safe on the road and on tour, not getting Omicron, not going to clubs, not going to anywhere without my mask. He goes,

and then we arrive in Canada. And the first thing you do is drop me in a den of COVID. And I was like, he goes, you have one set of rules for yourself. And then you have one set of rules for everyone else. And I was like, you're fucking right. I just looked at him. I go, everything you're saying is right. I'm a hypocrite. And you're right. And then he kept going, goes, but you, I go, Joe, you're right. I am. You're everything is right. I'm wrong. And I don't have any excuse. And I have no defense. Let's press forward. Yeah. Well, Chelsea, this week, I got a crazy, crazy email, and I really just had to read it to you. So the subject line is, I knew I was alive when I heard Chelsea's voice. Dear Chelsea, I have an hour plus commute each way to work, and your podcast has been a staple

on my drive. I love your directness, your delivery, and always your humor. Your podcast brings a much needed positive lift to my day. To hear about other people's lives and listening to you and your guests' advice, all the different perspectives I truly appreciate. I was listening to your podcast on my way to work. I had 20 minutes of my drive left when another vehicle blew their stop sign and hit my car on the front right side. I was on a highway doing 55 miles per hour and they had come from an intersecting highway also doing 55 miles an hour. It all happened so fast neither one of us had time to hit the brakes. I remember thinking this is happening and then if this is how I go out I'm

going to be so pissed. The airbag went off. I remember going up in the air and the feeling of being pitched up like sitting in a rocket ready to launch and then silence. And then when I heard your voice, Chelsea, coming from your podcast still playing through my car speakers, I knew I was alive and still in this world. My next thought was, fuck yeah, I'm here. And I was so grateful to hear your voice. I sit here today not knowing how I walked away from that experience alive. I have an upcoming surgery this week and recovery ahead of me, but I live another day to say thank you to the inspiring women out there like you. And I'm grateful for the love and support from my family and friends. Keep up your great work. Take care. Tempe Vermeer. Oh God, we're so happy you're alive, Tempe. Tempe? Tempe Vermeer. Oh, God, we're so happy you're alive, Tempe. Tempe?

Tempe Vermeer. We don't usually share a last name on here, but what an excellent name. Oh, Tempe, thank God you're all right. I'm so glad that you heard my voice and that was a good thing. Isn't that lovely? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is. Thanks for sharing that and writing that. I love it. I love it. Yeah. So, yeah, just wanted to share. And by the way, here is the picture she sent of her car. Oh, my God. And she said, P.S., I'm attaching a photo of the car I walked away from and this selfie on Sunday I made my parents and fiance take with me because I'm alive to do so. Oh, good for you. What a sweetie. Good for you.

Yeah. You never know everybody listening when you're going to be there in a moment where somebody really will never forget or really needs you. So it doesn't matter if you're famous or you're not famous or you have a big platform or you have a small one. You can always have an impact on somebody's life and it could even be a stranger's. Yeah. So don't forget that. Yeah. Our guest today is a New York Times bestselling author. He wrote a book called Think Like a Monk. He is the host of the number one health and wellness podcast. It's called On Purpose.

I think I've been on that. Yes, I have. And he's Calm's newly appointed chief purpose officer. On the Calm app, he is going to have his own meditations coming soon or maybe already out. I don't know. Any minute. Jay Shetty. Hi, Jay Shetty. Hey, Chelsea. Thank you for having me. Oh, so nice to see you. It's so nice to see you. It's been too long. I'm really grateful to be here. Thank you.

Oh, thank you, Jay. Jay, this is Catherine, our producer. Hey, Catherine. Hi. Nice to meet you. She co-hosts thank you, JJ. This is Catherine, our producer. Hey, Catherine. Hi. Nice to meet you. She co-hosts this podcast with me. I love it. Yeah. So we saw each other probably two to three years ago, the last time we saw each other. Yes. And I came on your podcast. That's right. That's right. Which was pretty awesome because we were talking about meditation and presence and therapy. And we just met at Wisdom 2.0. Oh yeah. That's where we connected. Oh yeah. How would you, that's a good idea. Let's start with that. How do you, how would you describe that conference? So I was invited to speak at the conference and you were speaking at the conference

too. And Wisdom 2.0, I would define as a conference for introducing people to meditation, spiritual practices. And it's like a community of people who are looking or seeking alternative practices for their well-being. I think that's my best shot, but maybe you'll have a better one. That's good. Yeah. Well, I always just describe it as like a bunch of different like, you know, neuroscientists, neurophysicists, like, you know, just an esteemed group of doctors getting together to talk about what drugs are going to become legalized in the near future also, because it's a lot about LSD, psilocybin, and microdosing and kind of guided meditation journeys through those things or without those things. So it's a panoply of different kind of areas, but it's all under the same umbrella of betterment, right?

Yes, absolutely. And I think the last time I spoke to you I think you told me that you and your wife have like a three is it a three hour two hour two hour meditation practice each morning yes that's right yes okay so can you talk me through that a little bit absolutely so it it changes now because of travel and late nights and so it's not always partying a lot these days is that why you're having late nights? Definitely no parties. Just travel and work and whatever else it may be. So it's not always in the morning.

But the practice consists of three types of meditation that I was trained in as a monk. So you have breathwork, visualization, and mantra. So I start with breathwork. I could spend anywhere from 10 to 15 minutes practicing everything from analom-vilom to kapalabhati breathing to make sure that I'm feeling connected and present with my body. I'll then move into visualization. This is something I pick and choose. I'll do that if I have something that I'm going to do that I'm nervous about. So I'll give you an example of where I used it recently. I last year decided with my wife that we would do lots of extreme challenges together. So we did everything from cold plunges to zip lines to skydiving, our first time skydiving

together. So the morning before I went skydiving, I visualized myself skydiving and I felt sick in the first seven visualizations. But in the eighth, it was gone. And then by the time I was actually jumping out of play and I didn't feel sick at all. So I use visualization as a way of going through potential pain that I'm about to face so that I can experience it beforehand or nerves. And then finally, mantra. Chanting mantras has been a big part of my practice. There are some beautiful mantras out there and there are a few that I focus focus in on so it will be broken up into like 10-15 minutes on breath work five minutes on visualization and about an hour and a

half on mantra and i know that you are just that you just teamed up with calm too you're gonna have your own meditation series yes i'm so excited about that we just announced and now we have something called the daily j on calm you can meditate with me every single day for seven seven minutes i was gonna say seven days seven every day. And what it allows you to do is combine story, breath work, visualization, all these meditations I'm speaking about, and allows you to build your own practice for seven minutes. So you can get it right now. Great. Awesome. That's great. Because everybody on this podcast or all of our listeners are always attempting to learn how to meditate. So tell me somebody, for somebody who's been meditating for how many years now? 17 years. 17 years. How has

your meditation, how has your practice changed during that time? I think my practice has changed because in the beginning it was very much about presence and stillness. And now it's also turned into a connection for me, like spiritual connection. And that's where it started, but it's definitely evolved in that direction. So for me, meditation is connected to me feeling aligned with my purpose. It's a place that I remove what I call weeds from my heart. So I'll look at negative intentions or energies and I'll look at meditation as an opportunity to actually take stock and take audit of where I am and use it to purify and cleanse myself. So I'll look at like,

where did I feel an emotion this week that I wasn't happy with how I behaved? Or how did I speak to someone this week that actually doesn't make me feel good about myself? How can I purify myself of that? So to me, the purification aspect of meditation has become a big priority for me now, more than just the presence and stillness. That's in my personal practice. Yeah. I think it's interesting when you talk about for anyone really, because like you have certain habits or maybe bad behaviors, you know, quick responses or reactions to things. And then over time, as you practice not reacting so much to those things, when you do have a blip and you do react in a way that you're not happy with, it's very much on the surface right away. Like there's no denial or

defensiveness, which is what got you out of it. And, you know, years ago for me, I'd be like, you know, I tell three people and they'd all tell me I was right. I'm like, all right, that's good. I did the right thing. Now it's like, I don't tell anybody. I know I was wrong and it's right there. And I'm like, oh, that wasn't the nicest way to respond to that. And if those things happen close together, I get nervous. I'm like, oh, you're, you know, regressing. You better make sure. Because I look at meditation now. I'm nowhere near what you're doing. I never trained or studied with monks or anything like that, obviously, because they would have kicked me out. They kicked me out after three years too.

Did they ask you to leave? No. Well, no, it was- They thought you were fully cooked though. obviously because they would have kicked me out they kicked me out after three years too so did they did they ask you to leave no no it was they thought you were fully cooked it was it's not you it's me kind of situation it was like a breakup like it was like i said to them that i think i should leave because i think i i got the self-awareness that i don't think i'm a monk anymore and they said to me yeah we think that's a good idea they said to me we feel you should leave so that you can share what you'd learned and that's that's how they said it yeah well that's a good idea. They said to me, we feel you should leave so that you can share what you'd learned. And that's, that's how they said it. Yeah. Well, that's what you're doing. So trying my best. Yeah. So I think with regard to making little blips or making little mistakes, it's like you, you kind of learn to navigate away from the bigger ones and learn to be more

sensible in your reactivity and you know, what kind of, you know, the way you're communicating with people. But when it does come up, it's definitely an enlightened or more enlightened person is definitely much more hip to go, okay, oh, that's not a good thing for me to be doing or saying. Absolutely. Yeah, spot on. And so, okay, so what have you been up to professionally in the last couple of years?

Because you're everywhere, you know, you're like Deepak Chopra Jr. sorry if that's sorry if that's not one of your I love if you don't look up to Deepak Chopra wonderful no I I have so much respect for Deepak I have I have so much respect for so many people who I think have come before me in this world of trying to serve trying to share and so I have I've only good things to say about Deepak for sure. He's wonderful in person. Yeah. And I love, Eckhart Tolle is my, like, I love to listen to that because he seems so far removed from, well, real life. You know what I mean? It's almost like, you know, when I think about meditation, I think of like, oh, this is my time to like be respectful to the universe and say I'm here to be still and quiet, to make myself good for today, you know, to give myself the calm that I need for today and the focus and the good intentions and

all of the things that come with it. And I find his writing and his words to be, they're very deep. And a lot of people are not into that, like how deep it goes. Yeah. I feel like, you know, for me, when I started my work, my genuine goal was to help build a pathway for people to go as deep as they wanted to go. I was very fortunate to study the Bhagavad Gita and texts that are 5,000 years old. And I love talking about them and I love sharing them. And in my book, Think Like a Monk, I'll take out a verse and put it into a chapter. And I've seen people really be able to gravitate and appreciate it. But I also find that some people just want to feel better right now. And so with my work over the last two years, and of course, we can dive

into different parts, but my ultimate goal is to help people bridge that gap from entertainment to education to enlightenment. And I think that's the journey that I'd love for entertainment to reach as many people in the world as possible, education to reach those who want to take that step into their own self-development and personal growth. And then enlightenment is a journey that people can take if they want that too. And so I think building that bridge is so important because if I look back at how I was as a teen, if you told me about any of that journey, I'd be like, give me the entertainment. I don't want any of the other stuff. And so I feel like I'm trying to go back and connect with my younger self or anyone who reminds me of my younger self, where I grew up saying, well, why do I need any of this stuff?

And as time has gone on, I've seen the value of it. And when you're doing what you're doing, because you're combining two worlds, right? You're dividing deep spirituality with also awareness and you're on a mission for for that so how do you kind of when your ego is something that is so not necessary in spirituality but it's kind of useful in this business how do you reconcile the two so it's really interesting i spoke to my monk teacher when i decided i was going to move to la and the first thing he said to me is you're moving to the capital of illusion. And you should be very, very cautious. And here I was going, well, why are you not excited for me? Like,

I've got so many opportunities coming my way. And I'm so looking forward to this. And he said, you should just be cautious of Maya. Maya is illusion. Another word for illusion in Sanskrit. He said, you should be careful. You should be cautious. And what I've realized is I'm really lucky to have amazing mentors. He's 70 years old. He's been a monk for 40 years. I'm so fortunate to have these incredible role models in my life who I've seen display and embody humility

and constantly remind me of its value. So as a monk, you're trained that the most admirable quality in anyone is their humility their groundedness and so we were like you know that was like repeated again and again and again to us every day and then when you get to see it in someone I think one of the challenges with ego and humility is that I would like everyone who's listening right now to genuinely think about how many people they've met in their life that they believe genuinely

display humility, not just groundedness or not just being not up themselves or not arrogant, genuine humility. And I think it's hard. I think it's actually very difficult. And I would say I've been really fortunate to have spent time with people that I think display it so deeply that they call it out in me all the time. So that's the first thing. The second thing I'd say is that I really enjoy the grapple with my ego. Like I really enjoy the wrestling process of it. I think one of the things we were trained in was to relish the battle. That if you don't relish the battle, if you don't start enjoying the fact that you are going to come up against your ego every day,

it's going to wear you out. Like it's going to tie you out and drain you and leave you on the street because your ego is the toughest boxer in the world. Your ego is Floyd Money Mayweather and your little old you. And so if you don't enjoy that fight and the training, it's going to be really tough.

So I've realized that I love putting myself in positions where my ego is actually going to rise and then being aware and slowly coaching it out of it and guiding it and then working with it rather than being so detached from everything where you could think you've solved your ego, but actually you just haven't tested it. There's a beautiful story about Benjamin Franklin who had what I believe were called the 13 precepts, which were 13 things that he aspired for simplicity, authenticity, integrity. Uh, and at the end of his life, he was asked what was the one that he didn't accomplish. And he said it was the 13th one. And they asked him what's that? And he said, humility. And I think humility is that constant pursuit. And yeah, if that, anyway, I went off on

a whole tangent. I love listening to you because I like what you said about ego. I like the idea of challenging yourself, having it rise up and seeing how you handle that, because that comes up for me a lot, you know, obviously in my, what I do, it's like, am I doing this for even a paycheck is ego. It's related to ego. Even, you know, am I, what are the reasons I'm doing this? And to be practical, because obviously I'm in this, of this world and I have to, you know, participate and make a living, but I like to check myself and go, okay, why is your reaction to this, this, and is that ego based? And if it is, then remove that. That's not the reason you're going to react that way. You just, you literally just, there's an activity that I do

where I have lots of different opportunities, whether they be job opportunities or professional opportunities. I'll write them all down. And then on top of each one, I'll write down my reason if I said yes, or if I said no. And whenever the answer is not love, I know that there's some work to be done. So often I'll write down the word ego. Like you said, oh, I would only do that from ego. I'd only do that for money. That doesn't mean I don't do it. It just means I'm aware that that is why I said yes to that. And let me be really clear on that so that I'm not lying to myself because the honesty is what helps me break down my ego,

not the dishonesty of feeling like it doesn't exist. And so for me, I'm always trying to see, can I write love next to that? can I write love on top of that and if I can then that's beautiful and if I can't let's upgrade ego to love let's upgrade just money to love let's upgrade insecurity to love and keep working on that ladder I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor.

We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by.

Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really? No, really. Yeah, really. No, really. Go to

reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really? No, Really? And you can find it on the iHeartRadio app on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I know you wrote your own book, right? Think Like a Monk. What are some books that you read that are go-tos for you? Like, do you have anything that you constantly reference? Oh, yeah.

So the Bhagavad Gita, which would be considered the timeless epic of India, the spiritual text of India, is probably my go-to book. I find that most of what we read today is centered on the Gita in the betterment world and community. You know, there's so many chapters of modern day books that I could find as a core text inside the Gita. So that's a go-to guide for me for sure. You know, we just lost Thich Nhat Hanh, an incredible monk teacher who passed away recently. And like his work was just absolutely phenomenal you pick up any book uh by Thich Nhat Hanh it will it will really speak to your you know speak to your soul and then on the other end I love behavioral economics I grew up reading behavioral

economics books and so I like the sound of behavioral economics yeah yeah I like that yeah so like I grew up reading Malcolm Gladwell and Dan O'Reilly and all these incredible authors who've just studied human behavior. And so my life has always been, how can I find the connection between behavioral economics and spiritual teachings? And so I'm always looking at the intersection of where do they meet? And they meet more often than we think. And where, like, okay, well, give us some examples of how they meet. So there's a brilliant book called Predictably Irrational. And it talks about how humans make predictably irrational decisions. One of the best examples in there that Dan O'Reilly provides is that if you want to get a date tonight, go with someone who looks like you, but is a slightly less good looking version of you. And he goes, that's going to naturally improve your likability

and people are more likely to choose you because we don't necessarily choose between A or B, we're choosing between A plus and A minus. So humans make predictably irrational decisions where we elevate someone in our eyes. If something's close to it, that feels less. Now, that's fine when it comes to dating, but he says that this is how we're completely manipulated by companies who give us three options. They sell something for $40, $70, and $100, but the $100 has just got a bit more than that $70. So you let go of the $40 and you go and spend that $100. Now, when you look at that as a technique, when you look back at the spiritual text, they talk about how our senses are limited and how because our senses are limited, we often

make poor judgment if we only see through our senses. And therefore there's this beautiful term in Sanskrit called Shastra Chakshu, which means to see through the eyes of spiritual text, to see through the eyes of beyond our material vision. So there's something like that. Another one that I love is the idea around purpose. So a long, long time ago, like we would have just said, oh yeah, purpose is a fluffy term and maybe it's not real and maybe it doesn't exist. All studies show today that when you live with purpose, you're happier. There's an amazing study by Yale and Amy Rosniewski, and they did a study on what they believed was the most difficult job in

the world. Now, the most difficult job in the world is not what any of us do. It happened to be hospital cleaners. And I think we can all agree with that. And that was before the pandemic. So I can only imagine how tough it is today. So they went and interviewed hospital cleaners and they asked them, what do they do? And they were like, we clean beds, we clean toilets, we clean dishes, we clean up after people die. Like it's a really tough job. And so they then went and interviewed some other hospital cleaners. These cleaners described themselves as healers. And they were like, why are you healers?

They worked in the same hospitals. They did the same job. They said, because we see cleaning an environment as completely directly related to a patient's healing journey. We think that if we have a clean room, people's families will have deeper time there. They'll spend more time there. They'll be able to feel love and energy and positivity. They were happier in the same jobs, in the same most difficult job in the world. This is what techs have been telling us always. Wayne Dyer said it. When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. That is a spiritual

truth, but we can see it through behavioral science now. Oh, wow. I love that. Yeah, that's so true. I mean, once you change your lens, you know, you, it's like being attracted to someone. It's like falling in love with your friend, which was what happened to me. All of a sudden, you know, he was my friend for years and years and years, And I never looked at him in that way. And then after therapy and after getting like a kind of new way to look at everything, I was like, oh, this is my guy. He's been standing here this entire time. But I just my lenses were dirty. That's amazing. Or foggy or filled with cannabis. Who knows? Yeah, it's a spiritual lens. That's a great example. I want to ask you a personal

question about your relationship because you've been married for how many years now? We've been together for eight and married for six this year. Okay. And so does, I would, one would assume that all of this living with monks and all of your spiritual practice up until now would prepare someone pretty well to be in a married relationship. Is that a fact? I would say that it does if you apply it at the essence and the core, but if you apply it immaturely, then no. But yes, I would agree with you. I would agree with you. So that if any, when things come up and, or if there's any sort of discourse or that's unpleasant, like that you're able to, you and your wife, because she

practices as well, that you're able to handle it with a little bit more aplomb than a regular couple. Yeah. So I, when I wrote Think Like a Monk, I dedicated to my wife and the dedication reads to my wife, who's more monk than I'll ever be. And, and I really meant that. And I wrote that because I wanted people to realize that she never trained as a monk. She does meditate every day and she does have similar practices to me. But, you know, she just naturally has some of that in her life. But at the same time, she'll be the first to tell you, she gets so angry when I'm really calm when we've just had a fight or she's saying something and I'm like really still.

And I'm like, this is how we're going to deal with it. This is what we're going to do. And she's like, she gets even more angry. So, yeah, no, I think that my self-awareness that I gained during my time as a monk allowed me not only, and the way you said it, you said this beautifully just now, that since I left being a monk, my wife's the only person that I've been with and, you know, dated and now of course married to. And I felt that my self-awareness of my values, what I believed in, grew so clear

that I could clearly see that we were going to work on this. Now, that doesn't mean it's been easy ever since, but I definitely feel that I have the tools. One of my favorite tools is called the austerity of speech. So this is an old Vedic concept of the austerity of speech. So it says that you should speak words that are truthful, words that are beneficial, words that don't agitate the minds of others, and words that are aligned with spiritual knowledge. So the fourth one's hard, but the first three,

truthful, beneficial to all, and don't agitate the minds of others. Now, that third one is really tough. Oh, for me especially. That third one is so tough. You can't say you're annoying me. It's I'm feeling very irritated. Exactly. And it might have something to do with you, but probably not.

That's exactly it. It's like, how do you learn to shape your language? So those are called the four austerities of speech. I call them the four gates. Before I say something, how can you walk through those gates? How can you actually take a journey and filter what you're about to say? Not because you're trying to be politically correct or trying to do a technique. You're doing it because you actually believe that what comes out of your mouth is now going to have more power. When you say to someone, you're just annoying me,

in one sense, you distance yourself from that person. Whereas when you actually have a healthy conversation, you actually can become closer through that conflict. And so I think some of the, I mean, there's plenty more examples I can give, but those are the first two that came to mind. Well, you're going to have an opportunity to do that because we're taking callers. Sometimes we get, we get submissions. They could be email or they could be on the phone, on a zoom. You'll get to see them. And they're calling, just asking for typical life advice. Amazing. And it's pretty cute. I love it. It's such a good idea. Yeah. Especially from someone like me, you know, who has no business giving advice, but is totally willing to do it. Yeah. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be back with some callers and emails.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.

Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts his stuntman reveals the answer and you never know who's going to drop by mr brian cranson is with us how are you hello my friend wayne knight about jurassic park wayne knight welcome to really no really sir bless you all hello newman and you never know when howie mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really, no really. Yeah, really. No really.

Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we are back from break with Jay Shetty today. Hi. We're ready to rumble.

Oh, yeah. This has been so fun already. Well, it's about to get maybe a little bit harder because there are some serious questions today. So our first email comes from Caitlin. She says, Dear Chelsea, I've been in a funk since becoming a mom. It doesn't seem to be postpartum depression or anxiety. I didn't really know what to call it until recently when I saw one of the Britney Spears documentaries. And although our situations

are quite different, I can relate to the feelings of being confined, trapped, surveilled, and controlled. That's totally it. I've lost my autonomy now that I'm a mother. I can't walk freely from one room to the other without announcing my departure and announcing my return. I can't go to the bathroom without someone watching me. I essentially need someone else's permission to take a shower because I can't just leave my kid unattended. I really like being a mom, but this is the hardest part for me to adjust to. Since the situation itself is not going to change, I think the only solution is to change my own mindset

and reframe the way I think about my new reality. Do you have any advice for me? Caitlin. Yeah, I think so. Well, what do you think off the, you go first. First of all, I want to say, Caitlin, thank you for being so honest. I mean, that's really difficult I

know you know I I know a lot of moms I work with a lot of moms I'm you know obviously I'm not a mother and and can't be one and so I can't say I understand how you feel but thank you for being so honest I think it's really hard to say what you just said so I really want to acknowledge that the second thing I'd say is that you already have the answer that you want the way you ended that question was the answer now the idea is how do you reframe what do you reframe so I'm just simply going to give you some suggestions according to what you think is the right way of doing it the first thing I'd say around reframing your mindset is part of having children, as far as I know, is the ability to extend our love, compassion, an opportunity to practice. And kids are teaching us something difficult. Now,

I know this because I've been thinking about having kids for a long time, but I've been putting it off for pretty much a similar reason to what you've just said, because I recognize that I am going to lose my independence and I am going to lose my autonomy. Now, I know it's very different for a woman. There's even more pressure. When I look at the studies, they suggest that women are taking on even more of those responsibilities. So when I think about that, I go, how can you use this as a experiment in increasing your love, increasing your compassion, increasing your joy in being shared with someone else. We've been so used to experiencing our autonomy

and getting joy from that, which is a beautiful model, which by the way, I completely understand. But how do we now switch our joy from being from autonomy to being this relationship with this individual? And I know that when you allow yourself to go there, as you said, you already enjoy being a mom. And I don't think autonomy is just going to come back around,

as you said. So to me, using it as an experiment and increasing your compassion, increasing your empathy, increasing your love is a beautiful way. And the second thing I'd say is definitely still find time, even if it is trading places, to create that autonomous time. I think it may be less now, but if you can find that one evening a week, or maybe it's one day a month, where you can carve out that time to be completely free and allow yourself to really explore that. Yeah, that's all great. Yeah, I would say that too. I mean, it sounded like you already have the answer there yourself. You're just going through a little bout of growing pains, acclimating to the life of being a new mom, which, so, I mean, I just had this conversation

with a girlfriend yesterday and Colleen, who was on our podcast recently, was talking about when you have a child, you become a slave to that child for the next five to six years. But what Jay is saying is absolutely right. You just, you have to own that. You know what I mean? Instead of letting it happen to you, you know, make it happen, make it what you want it to be, make it the relationship you want it to be and carve out that time for you, whatever you can afford to carve out. If you can afford to have a babysitter one night a month, even if you could go on play dates with other people who have the same age children. So it's taking some of the pressure off. So there's a group of people around because that way you can also commiserate with other people.

And that's a good feeling to A, remind yourself that you're not the only one and that you're not alone. But to rise above this moment and to move forward after this moment is a huge opportunity for growth and a huge opportunity for you to become the mother that you always wanted to be.

So you have a vision and a visual in your head of the kind that you always wanted to be. So you have a vision and a visual in your head of the kind of parent you want to be. Like this is the time to start getting ready to become that parent, you know, and saying goodbye to your old self. Cause that's, that's not who you are anymore. Now you are a mother. You're still that person, but now you have a child. So that's not like the end of the world. It's the beginning of something really, really beautiful. And it's just about embracing the moment that you're in and being there and being present in every moment with your child that you can allow yourself to be present. Because that's going to give you so much in return instead of focusing on all the time you've lost for yourself,

focusing on all of the things that you have now with another person. And what you said is you're already there. So you just needed us to nail that hammer in or nail, I guess, nail that nail in. I'm really not good with tools or any sort of home improvements. Neither am I, so I'll stay away too. And another thing you can do if your family can't afford to have a babysitter every weekend or as often as you might need to sort of have some alone time. What you can do is find someone else. Maybe they have a child a similar age to yours, but find somebody else who maybe it's another mom or another couple who also needs a date night,

also needs some time away, and just say like, hey, let's make a plan. Maybe it's every week, maybe it's once a month or whatever, but make a plan to say, hey, you guys need date night and so do we. You take the kids on Friday. We'll go out. We jobs in the world is motherhood and having that reframing. Yeah. It's like, they don't give you a psychological like warning. They just, yeah. Well, no, a warning like this is how you're going to feel and you're going to have to adjust because I've always said it's like nine months is not long enough to prepare for a baby. No time is long enough to prepare because one day you can leave your house and then the next day you can never leave your house again until you have to make sure somebody has your baby. So yes, it's an adjustment for sure. And some people make it seem effortless and others,

it's not as effortless for. So yeah. And in about like 13 years, they won't want to be with you at all. Yeah. Remember that, you you know there's a time limit yeah it's funny how that happens right like parents are always like oh my god this is all encompassing it's time consuming and then when they're teenagers they're like what the what the fuck happened to my baby so it's like you better remember it messes with you by the time you're hip to whatever happened it's over you know it's like once you realize that you're lucky to be young and you know like you know when you're young and people like, oh, well, when you get older, you'll know. I'm like, I'm never getting older.

Don't fucking worry about it. They're like, you're not going to be able to do what you do or act like you act when you're older. You won't be able to drink like you did when you were in your 20s. I was like, of course I will. I can't. You know, like, and then I'm like, God, why didn't I believe that when it was happening? Why didn't I take advantage? You know, all of that stuff.

So everything that everyone says is true. Problem solved. Let's leave it at that. Yes. Well, our next question comes from Anthony, and he's on the phone with us. Dear Chelsea, I'm a 28-year-old living in Los Angeles. I'm a bartender in hopes of making it in the entertainment industry. I've experienced seasonal depression for a few years now, and until recently, I was at such a high. Every day felt good,

and I thought I was on the right path. I started therapy, meditation, journaling, and even your podcast was a medicine for me. Around November is when I started feeling those moods come around, and it just got worse and worse. But now we're a few weeks into the new year, and I'm at the standstill, and I don're a few weeks into the new year and I'm at the standstill and I don't know where to go. I'm sure I'm going to get back into my happy days, but then I'm concerned they'll fade once again. I guess my question is, how can I get happy and stay happy? Anthony. Hi, Anthony. Hey, Anthony. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you guys. Hi, this is Jay and Catherine is here who you've spoken to already. Hi, Jay. Hi, Anthony. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you guys. Hi, this is Jay. And Catherine is here, who you've spoken to already.

Hi, Jay. Hi, Catherine. Nice to see you again. Hi, Chelsea. Big fan. Oh, hi. How are you? I'm doing good. How about yourself? We're good. Thank you. We're just talking about the merits of parenting and then the downside, which is a long, lengthy list. Anyway, over to you, though. So did you say you're in therapy? I was last year.

I stopped right around October. Okay, and do you take medication of any sort? I don't. I've never done that. It's something that I'm not opposed to either. I just have not gotten the chance to get in that conversation with anyone. Okay, so what you're feeling like you feel like you can go like what, what duration of time is it typically do you seem to have like a mood last for

is it weeks or months or seasons? Like the good moods or the bad moods? Either. So I guess recently my good moods were for like, like three months, but then it just, it's been now been three months where they're more down moods. So they're really all over the place. OK, and what and so you do meditate. Are you physically active and all of the things that help you kind of stay up? Yeah, when I was up, what I noticed the most was that I was meditating. I was hiking. I was listening to podcasts such as yours.

I was going to therapy and slowly I stopped doing those as much. It wasn't like a daily thing anymore. And so, yeah, I was doing that, but they slowly stopped. Yeah, I would say right off the bat, you're allowing the way you feel to dictate your mood rather than allowing your activities and your practices to dictate your mood. You know, like when we're feeling down or we're feeling low, that's when we really need to lean on our toolkit the most because feeling good is great, but you don't need a lot of help there, right? So it's important on the days where you don't feel like exercising, where you don't feel like meditating to get those in so that the feeling

remains consistent. You know what I mean? So that shouldn't feel so black and white with your ups and your downs. And maybe there is a, there is a, you know, diagnosis of some sort that you might need to seek out from a professional, you know, maybe you are slightly depressed and maybe it is a mood disorder, but I would say, you know, three months, like nothing is, I'll let Jay speak to this, but nothing lasts forever. You cannot expect to be in a great mood every single day when you wake up. And you also can't feel like when you aren't in a great mood, that that is going to be the way it's going to be for the next three weeks or three months. Cause you're resigning yourself and you're almost capitulating to something that doesn't

exist yet. You know, you're in charge of your happiness. You're in charge of your moods. And as long as you're doing everything you can to keep like all the things that you know that work, which are meditation, exercise, listening to podcasts that make you feel good or make you think and kind of filling yourself up with that, you will have more control over those moods.

And if at that point, you still are feeling a little bit off and if it's more of a medical thing, then yeah, absolutely. I'm sure there's a medical professional or a therapist or a psychiatrist that will be able to kind of experiment with prescribing you something, but it probably may not even come to that. Do you want to speak a little bit about impermanence? Yeah, definitely. I think Anthony and I agree with everything that Chelsea just shared right now. I think it's great advice. I think one of the biggest things you just explained yourself,

Anthony, was that when your habits stopped, your happiness started to go down. And what I always say to people is like, just because you ate a great meal today doesn't mean you don't eat for the next three days, right? Let's say I ate a lot of food today. I wouldn't stop eating for the next week and hope that I stay full. And sometimes with our mood and our happiness, we do that. We feel really good today and we're like, okay, I did a lot of meditation today.

I did a lot of sleep this month. I don't need it for the next seven days or the next seven months. So I would definitely work on those habits. At the same time, I think we have created a mindset in society that we should always feel happy and that happiness is a sign that we should do things. I would actually say that the biggest skill we can work on is developing the ability to do things when we don't feel like doing them. So as Chelsea was saying,

when I go to work out, and I, by the way, experienced this today, I've had four hours sleep the last three nights because I've been traveling, moving, things have been happening. And I managed to go to the gym. And I know for a fact that I feel better because I went. And so what I've realized is good habits, they feel bad before you do them, but they feel amazing afterwards. And bad habits, they feel great before you do them, and they feel terrible afterwards. And so it's tricking our mind to recognize, well, wait a minute, when I'm actually going, I don't want to meditate today, I don't want to, exactly what Chelsea said, that's exactly the time I want to dial in.

And the impermanence part, this is where I want you to switch your North Star. So in your question, happiness and happy days were very clear as your North Star. That was your focus i want you to change your focus point to meaning and purpose and i'll and i'll explain why when when i trained as a monk we learned that looking for happiness makes life very difficult because there are so many things that happen in your daily life where you won't be able to find happiness but meaning and purpose is something you can always find. What I mean by that is when you ask yourself, what can I learn from this?

What did this teach me? Why do I think this came into my life? When you start asking yourself those questions, you actually build your resilience, you build your muscle, and now you can deal with the challenges that come in the future. Whereas when you go, why am I not happy? That creates this real gap of expectation. And now you're chasing this illusory thing or impermanent thing that doesn't stay with you. So for example, I lost my, I lost one of my greatest spiritual mentors in my life in 2020 to stage four brain cancer. I couldn't go to his funeral in London because obviously all the flights were shut down and that was at the peak of the pandemic. I couldn't get back. And losing him, there was no happiness in that moment whatsoever. Like genuinely, there was no happiness. But there was meaning. There was meaning. I started to think about like, what's the meaning of this? I can't be with him. And I thought, wait a minute, I can try and live what he taught me. And that way he will live with me every day.

I can try to become everything he wanted me to be. And so I could always extract meaning in even really painful situations when happiness is something that you can't always extract. So even when things are good, don't look for happiness, look for meaning. Because if you can extract meaning from good things, you'll be able to extract them from bad things.

That makes so much sense. Yeah, I hear that. Jay, what would be your advice extract them from bad things. That makes so much sense. Yeah, I hear that. Jay, what would be your advice for somebody who is in a depression where they're just like so in a funk, they're like, I can't even get out of bed today. Like, what is that first step that you would have them take in order to get to the point where they can meditate or go to the gym? Yes. So in that situation, I would say what Chelsea was saying earlier, I would go and do a medical examination, see a professional. The reason why I'm saying that is if you're saying that you can't even get out of bed, that's a reason to go and see someone. Like, I don't think

that's something you sit and solve on your own. Just as if I couldn't get out of my bed in the morning because my legs hurt, I wouldn't try and figure that out on Google. I would pick up the phone and call my doctor and say, my legs are not working today and I woke up. If you're waking up in the morning and you go, I just can't get out of bed, I would go and see someone. I'll give an example of even something very small. A lot of it's biological as well. Like recently I was talking to my health coach

and she had me do my, you know, my nutrients test and my vitals and my medical exam. And she told me that my vitamin D level was at a 10. She was saying that the average is 60 and the ideal is a hundred. And she said to me, she goes, Jay, I don't even know how you get out of bed in the morning, let alone live your life. Now I don't feel that emotionally, but I started working on improving my vitamin D. I promise you, I have never felt more energy in my life. And it can be biological. Sometimes we get so heady about it. We think it's all in our head and like, It's all mental. It's not. Sometimes it's truly biological, you know,

and we have to go and get those tests done. So yeah, that's a great point too. Yeah. I had the same thing with an iron deficiency. Like I was so sluggish. I was so, it could be something as simple as that, you know? So that's another reason to explore that. Anthony, do you feel like there is a chance you suffer from some depression? Do you feel that way? Yeah, definitely. Throughout my high school life, I definitely started feeling depression and I think it's gone into my adulthood.

So I've definitely done the practices like therapy, meditation, but I'm at a point now that I'm like, maybe I do need to see a professional to get some type of advice or maybe medication because that's something that's a route I have not gone down yet. It's just tiring to do all the work and get to the good part and then come to a standstill once again after putting all the work and being like, wow, what was all that for if I'm back to this low point? Yeah, but doing all the work doesn't guarantee that you're not going to have low points. I do understand life is not all about being happy. There's always going to be low points. But what I mean is that it's such a big difference. Like I'd be at such a high point. And then like a month later, I'm at such a low point to such a different lifestyle for me then that I'm not

doing anything towards my future, towards what makes me happy so yeah Anthony I'd also add that you know I really want you to take a moment today to just own that you have felt really good and you have done the work like I want you to take a moment today and sit back when you said to me I meditate I go to therapy you know when you were listening on your question I was thinking wow this this person's. Like the fact that you've made time, the fact that you have prioritized, the fact that you've actually done that and you felt great for it. I want you to take a time out today to just celebrate that, be grateful to yourself and acknowledge yourself for having done the work. Because it sounds like when you were doing the work and you were owning it, you were feeling

great. And I just want you to remember that because sometimes we forget that actually there was a time when I was doing the work and I was feeling great. Let me go back to doing the work. So I want you to take our time today to celebrate that, to be grateful, to honor it. And by the way, Anthony, we've all been on such a roller coaster for the last two years that the way you're feeling should not be seen as unnatural or strange. Like we don't even know how we've all been affected in the last two years. So the fact that in that time you were able to practice meditation, to go to therapy, to take advice, hats off to you. I'm impressed by you. Honestly, I genuinely am. And I want you to feel impressed by yourself and I want you to own that.

I will. Thank you very much. I'll definitely do that. Okay, Anthony. Well, I hope you feel better soon and keep us posted. Okay. Let us know if you discover something new. First, get that blood work done before probably even you go to like a psychiatrist to see if you have some sort of deficiency. Check all the boxes so you have all the information that you can get. And then that becomes another tool. I definitely would do that. And I wanted to say thank you so much to you because your podcast inspired me to do my own podcast with my best friend. Oh, I love it.

We talk about mental health and therapy and all that stuff. So I appreciate your podcast a lot. Great. What's your podcast called? It's called How's Your Heart? Oh, cute. I like that. Congrats. Well, thanks, Anthony. And yeah keep us posted on on how things go thank you so much for your time thanks

anthony yeah you too bye-bye i hate that desultory feeling where you're like you could tell by the look in someone's eyes you know it's just like you're exhausted and you have you're listless and that feeling is no fun at all no definitely not no yeah yeah i like that book i talked about this book before uh letting go do you have you read that david hawkins i love that when you're when you're down how to pull yourself up like when you're down if you're an ego or shame or depression and how to bring yourself up through courage to get to like the higher levels and vibrations. That always reminds me that like, you know, you always have to, we're in charge of clearing

out our cobwebs and bringing ourselves back up to a place of action rather than reaction. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. Yeah. Spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you, and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman

reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging.

Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, Really. No Really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app on Apple Podcasts or wherever

you get your podcasts. Our next question comes from Sydney. Dear Chelsea, I am 46 years old, single mom to a sassy 15-year-old girl, and have, for the most part, had a great life. I didn't have much luck with love in my 20s or 30s, a bad marriage, occasional boyfriends, and casual relationships, but that never kept me down. I have the best girlfriends who have filled my life with laughter, love, and crazy girls trips. In my early 40s, I finally found love. I met an amazing man and we had a little over three great years together until he was devastatingly diagnosed with stage four cancer. He passed away eight months later in June of last year. I'm working through my grief and the trauma of his

illness and death with the support of therapy, friends and family, but I'm honestly just so sad and lost. I'm generally a positive and strong person, but now I'm left feeling like, now what? Given I've spent most of my adult life single, it's not like I can't be alone. But after experiencing deep and easy love, I'm craving that feeling and hoping it's possible again. I just don't know where to start and wonder if I'm too broken to even consider another relationship. Any advice you can provide or just make me laugh? Sydney. Hey, Sydney. Hi, Sydney.

Hello. Nice to meet you. Hi, this is Jay Shetty. He's our guest today. Nice to meet you, Sydney. I'm so sorry about your loss. Oh, God. So the good news is that you were able to have this relationship, right? In your 40s, in your early 40s, where a lot of women think that it's a wrap and they're never going to meet anybody. So it was shown and demonstrated to you that that is possible, that that was alive and well, and you had a beautiful love affair that ended tragically.

But you had a beautiful love affair. And that's your hope. You know, that is your hope right there. That's all the hope you need. It happened to you once, it can happen to you again. And you might not be, I don't know what, what state of mind are you in right now? Like, you know, I don't know if you're ready to date. You tell us, how are you feeling these days? I'm just feeling like I need to be distracted, which is crazy. I'm in full grief right now, right? And I'm sad. And so I'm being distracted by friends and you know, the odd event here and there, although lockdown is not a good time. But so it's like part of me looks to like, I want that again, I want that again. I know now is not the

time, but I also just want to be able to hope for it. Does that make sense? Yeah, I want that again. I want that again. I know now's not the time, but I also just want to be able to hope for it. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think absolutely. And I think hope is sometimes better than the reality. You know what I mean? The idea and the fantasy is sometimes a better elixir than the actuality. So like, it is a great opportunity for you to hold on to everything that you had with this wonderful man that came into your life. And thank God you were in his life so that he had someone to leave this life with, right? Knowing that he was loved and knowing that he loved you. So these are all beautiful, beautiful things.

Obviously, it's not an ideal situation. But what you can take out of it can bring it back into your life again, I think. And now is probably not the right time to be going on dates and doing all of that if you're grieving and you're dealing with this heavy loss. And there is a respectful amount of time that you wanna spend mourning somebody. So I think the idea that you're even talking about moving forward is so healthy.

The idea that you're even talking about possibly meeting somebody. There are so many people who are like, it's never gonna happen, that's it. I got my last thing. Like, no, there's no reason not to be greedy and say, I get more, you know, I deserve more. I deserve another love, you know, a different love

or something just as powerful, who knows? But I think holding onto hope is a great survival tool and it's a way to help us all through grief and honoring all of the wonderful things that he brought into your life and honoring all the beautiful love that you had and having that just be sacrosanct, you know, in your, in your mind and really paying respect to that. And you're going to know when it's time to put yourself on a dating site or to agree to be set up with somebody. You're going to know that. But there's nothing

wrong with going through the emotions of grieving. That is the way to get healthy again. Thank you for that. And I agree. I've thought about dating sites, but I know it's for unhealthy reasons, right? It's just that I want something else to distract me. So the fact that I'm not doing it goes to show that I'm not ready. Yeah. And where do you live? In Canada. What part? Toronto. Oh, oh, well, I can make give you a night of laughter. You can come to one of my shows in Toronto at the end of March. We're going to hook you up with free tickets. Okay. All right. All right. That'd be amazing. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That'll be a great night. You

can bring a girlfriend or bring a couple girlfriends, whatever you want. We'll sort it out for you. But I'm performing there at some point in March. So we will hook that up. Awesome. Jay, what did you want to add? I just, again, I agree with everything Chelsea said. And Sydney, you know, I think the biggest thing I want you to remember is don't feel guilty for wanting to be distracted or don't feel guilty for just trying to stay busy,

because I think that is part of your grieving process. And so allowing yourself to just be like, I have just gone through something that is really painful. It's, you know, it's really tough, but I'm going to allow myself to feel that distraction. I'm going to allow myself to feel that. I think putting the pressure on yourself to be like, oh, well, I, you know, want to get back to life as usual, that kind of trying to run away from a situation almost makes you run towards it even quicker. And so I think giving yourself that space and grace. I literally just, I mean, I had no idea.

I literally just spoke to our previous guest. And I was saying that, not comparing at all, because it wasn't a love affair, but I lost my spiritual mentor who I've known since 12, who was like a father figure. He spoke at my wedding and he died of stage four brain cancer in 2020. And I couldn't see him and I couldn't be with him in those last few months because of the pandemic. So I couldn't get back. And when I was in that situation, for me, it was just like, well, what did he give me that he would be really proud that I carried on living on? Like, what were the gifts that he gave me? Whether it was love, whether it was mentorship, whether it was guidance,

whether it was, you know, being confident with me always. I want to go and give that to others. And I really found that that's really helped me when I'm grieving is giving to others what that person gave me. When I can go and pass on and share those gifts, that gives you such a sense of that person's present with you in the right way

and that you're actually continuing to serve that relationship. I love that. That's a great idea because he gave me so many gifts and the gift of hope that I even have today. So excellent. Thank you. Oh, you're going to be just fine. It's going to be okay. I hope so. I hope so. Well, you know what, Chelsea? This show is distracting me a lot, too. Good, good. Well, that's a good distraction. Yeah, you're like my girlfriend on the weekend that I can listen to

as I do my housework and stuff. Thanks so much for that. Absolutely. My pleasure. Take care. Take care. Thanks, Sydney. Bye, everyone. Bye. Wow. That's, Sydney. Bye, everyone. Bye. Wow. That's a lot.

That's a lot. Our last question comes from Julia. Dear Chelsea, absolutely love the podcast and how real you are when giving advice. I would love your insight when it comes to developing boundaries with an addict. My dad is an alcoholic, has been my entire life. Over the years, our relationship has become strained due to his addiction and his behavior while drunk. But I just had my first child, and although I don't have much contact with him by choice, I feel an odd sense of guilt not letting him around my child.

I know it's for the best, but I can't shake the feeling that I need to give him an opportunity to have a relationship with his grandchild. Should I leave things as they are or give him an opportunity to form a relationship, obviously, with boundaries? Thanks, Julia. Yeah, you just have to create boundaries so that he's only around your father when he's sober or your daughter or son is around your father when they're sober. But if you have that feeling, then that's your strongest indicator that you should move forward with it. You know, if your relationship has become strained, that's totally understandable with somebody with addiction. But it's also it's not your son or daughter's fault. And you can give him a little bit of room and see how he responds to that.

It might actually help his drinking. You never know. You know, he might be inspired and want to be a bigger presence in your child's life. And it might have that impact. I mean, don't go in there with that hopefulness but go in there just you know with your eyes wide open and I think you'll get your answer sooner than later of whether or not it was a good decision or maybe you know you need to pull it back some more but I think it will probably turn out for the best I don't think there's anything negative that can happen when you're you

know wanting to just spread love with your family, within your family. And we all have those kind of familial obligations. You don't want to use the word duty, but a lot of times family is duty. It's like you owe it to your child and you owe it to your father and then just see what happens. I would say. What do you think? No, I can agree more. I think the thing with barriers is that you want to make sure that they're really clear for you and for others. And so if you are going to set barriers, which it sounds like, as Chelsea was saying, that you need to, and it sounds like you must, create barriers that are really clear for you. Really outline them. Be so aware and so sure about when yes, when no, because that allows you to free yourself of the anxiety and stress

because I know that those moments can be so like full of just nerves and stress and pressure that the only way you let go of that is say, well, I've just set really clear guidelines for myself to follow. So there's something in psychology called if-then. So like if this happens,

then this is what we're going to do. If this happens, then this is what we're going to do. And I think creating a what-if or or if then plan is really important in your scenario, because it sounds like there may be multiple different versions of how this could play out. And I would just take a bit of time upfront to set those barriers so that there's not too many surprises. And if something beautiful happens, like what Chelsea recommended, then you're actually just grateful for it and see it as a bonus. But you set yourself up to make sure that you're not stressing yourself

out in those close connected family connections. Yeah, that's an easy one to find out, you know, soon enough, whether it's a good decision or not. Yeah, absolutely. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be back with Jay Shetty and Chelsea. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer.

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know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening?

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We are back. Jay, I believe this is the time in the show where you are supposed to ask me for a piece of advice. I know, and I have so many things I want to ask you. Literally, I've been sitting here this whole time. I was sitting before when I was thinking about it. I was like, what do I want to ask me for a piece of advice. I know, and I have so many things I want to ask you. Literally, I've been sitting here this whole time. I was sitting before when I was thinking about it. I was like, what do I want to ask Chelsea for advice? What do I want to ask Chelsea for advice?

I think the advice I'm going to ask you for Chelsea, I'm going to take this opportunity to be selfish, to ask a question for me personally. Great. Well, that's what this is about. Oh, good. Okay. All right. So then I'm just following the advice. But my question would be, you've been in this, that's what this is about. Oh, good. Okay. All right. So then I'm just following the advice. But my question would be, you've been in this industry for a long, long time. You've done so many different things. You've worn so many different hats. What has made you happiest and most content on this journey? And

how would you advise as I work and continue to create my work and purpose that you see me doing, what would be your advice for how I can stay truly aligned to my purpose and continue to seek that contentment and happiness in that journey? I think that's probably a different answer for different people, right? I know for myself that having an identity independent of my identity in the world has always been the most valuable thing in my life. That I have a life that's outside of Chelsea Handler. That I have a personal life. That I have hobbies.

That I love to ski. You know, that's something that I said to myself as a young kid. I was like, I'm just going to become so successful that I'm going to pay somebody to teach me how to become the best skier. Like those things that give me so much joy and that are independent of my career. Because I think in the beginning, you think you can just be both things at the same time. You can have your personal and professional and just blend the two. And I think I would urge everyone to reconsider that and to spend as much time making as many deposits as you can into your outside life as you do to your professional life you know it's like filling up your filling up your jar right that is such great advice thank you so much i really appreciate that i mean that's why

i'm doing this podcast i'm just spreading i'm just spreading wisdom it's really good advice left right and center it's just catch it if you just catch it if you can. Catch it if you can, people. Well, Jay, where can everyone find you? I would love for everyone to come and listen in to On Purpose, which is my podcast where I've interviewed Chelsea before. We had a beautiful conversation. And of course, on the Daily Jay, exclusively on Calm, where you can meditate with me for seven minutes a day

if you want to start a new habit. And on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and TikTok and every social media platform out there. And don forget his book think like a monk great thank you jay shane that was awesome that was so i mean i'm so amazed by how you allow people to come on the show and really sit with them and their challenges and pain i was really blown away by that oh nice really special thank you thank you it's a lot takes, it takes a lot to actually sit down with that energy. So, you know, people shared heavy stuff. It wasn't, none of it was superficial. It was all real stuff. So yeah. Well, one, one, one woman called in for advice about breastfeeding. And I was like, I don't know if you've never heard anything I've said,

but, uh, I'm not the person to ask and I would appreciate no more breastfeeding questions. Uh, thank you so much, Jay. Have a wonderful rest of your day. Thank you for having me. I'm so grateful I could come in. And if you'd like to get advice from Chelsea and one of her guests, please write in to dearchelseaproject at gmail.com. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor,

what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.