Dear Chelsea - Facetiming on Myspace with Chelsea & Catherine

Episode Date: February 23, 2023

This week, Chelsea and Catherine chat about how to make friends as an adult, discover what weed smells like, and discuss the transferable nature of love - especially the love of a pet.  Then: A man who had given up on love discovers the heartbreak of lovebombing. A sober woman regrets friend-zoning someone she now feels a connection with.  And we discover the one question too horrible - too shocking - too awful for Chelsea to stomach. * Thanks to Betterhelp for sponsoring our new segment, Calling In Backup, and to David Yadush, Licensed Therapist and Clinical Operations Manager at Betterhelp.   * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Nick Stumpf Produced by Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

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Do you want a shortcut to the best version of you? Here it is. Feed the good wolf. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. Every week, I talk to brilliant minds and brave souls about the art of small, powerful choices. Our listeners say it all. This is a lifeline.

Transformational. The best antidote to a bad mood I've ever heard. Join the pack and start feeding your best self. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer.

Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships

and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Catherine. Oh, hi, Chelsea. Oh, hello. What's up? Greetings from Whistler. It's very white there behind you. It is a white, white winter wonderland. Actually, it's not really a winter wonderland. We've had kind of a low snow season, although I am heading out today, leaving for a week, and now they're expecting about a foot of snow.

So hopefully when I return, we'll be in better shape. Because, you know, I have to film my ski video. Oh, right. Your birthday. My birthday ski video. So we were going to do it last week because I had my social media team come up for a little sabbatical. They came up here, and I was like, oh, great. I said to Ricardo and Mina, who run the company, it's called Crispy Chicken. That's what attracted me to it.

I'm still trying to get them to change the name to Crispy Chicken Nuggets, but they're not really biting on that one. Anyway, I had them come up. The three of them came up and we were going to shoot my video. And I was like, how proficient are you guys on snowboards? Because I will need your help. I mean, we've got to step it up this year. We need a drone. I mean, I need a different backdrop. I want to ski through the trees. So we're trying to coordinate all this. And I said, how proficient are you? And they're like, well, you know, we're not advanced or anything, but we can both, you know, film you on snowboards. And I would like to say that, no, they could not. I took them out skiing. Thank God I did not try to film this with them. They, I mean, Mina is a little bit better,

but I was like, Ricardo, how often do you snowboard? He's like, once a year. I'm like, do you understand what we're dealing with here? Someone's skiing backwards and filming me or snowboarding backwards. Through the trees. Well, I mean, I don't know how realistic that's going to be. So we'll see if I even conquer that because we're going to need a few cameramen.

But I'm in Whistler, so there's tons of people here that can film skiers. Oh, for sure. Obviously, you know. So I just have to find the right people. Yeah. I, by the way, love Ricardo and Mina. They're fantastic. Yeah, they're really, really awesome.

And we had a great time. We went to zip lining. We went to the spa. Well, I dropped them off. I was like their mama bear. I felt like I was shuttling my kids around from carpool. You know, I would drop them off at school and then pick them up three hours later. I'm like, bye guys. Then I dropped them off at the grocery store so they could get all the Canadian snacks to bring back. And then I'd pick them up and then they'd get in the car and it just would reek of weed. I'm like, what is that smell?

Anyway, so that's been happening up here. I love having people shuttle in and out of my little, my ski chalet. It's so fun. I love that. I know. Chelsea, can you settle a marital argument for me really quick, actually? Oh, yeah, I would love to. So our bedroom, we're having some work done on the garage, which is right near our bedroom.

Are you turning it into, what are you turning it into? Brad's man cave? Well, in addition to podcasting, Brad happens to be a drummer and musician. So we're turning it into his music studio. Oh, music studio. Okay. That's better than a man cave, Brad. Yeah, indeed.

He can be a lot louder in there. Meanwhile, I just want to go out and say that my whole life is a man cave. All I want to do is be in my bed smoking weed and watching TV. So I may as well have a man cave as well. I love it. You just need a lazy boy. That's all you need in there. But so it smelled weirdly like pine in our bedroom for the last couple weeks, and we can't figure out why. But I think it kind of smells like weed. And in my opinion, weed smells a little bit like pine needles. But my loving husband thinks that that is absolutely ridiculous. It's skunky. Weed is skunky.

That's why they call it skunky weed, right? Well, not all weed is skunk. I mean, there's weed that's not skunky. So I think that you're right, Catherine, as usual, that there can be a pine smell for sure. When I walk into my house, it is an overwhelming smell of cannabis. My friend's daughter came over the other day and she goes, she's seven. She goes, what's that smell? I go, don't worry about it. You'll know when you're older.

Yeah. You're about to find out. But yeah, I think some weed can definitely smell like pine. Are you trying to get rid of the smell or do you like the smell? No, I mean, it's a pleasant smell, but we're just like, why suddenly does this smell like pine? We can't figure it out. So neither of us are stashing weed in the bedroom, but I think it smells like weed. Well, why don't you start stashing weed and then that will overwhelm the pine smell and then that will createm the pine smell and

then that will create more symbiosis in your house. Perfect. More symbiosis and synergy. Well, thank you for settling that argument. And I am so glad that I won. Brad, how do you feel about that outcome? I'm crushed. My life is a lie. Yeah. This is, by the way, something we've been discussing for like a decade. He's like, weed doesn't smell like pine. Well, it doesn't always smell like skunks. Yeah. This is, by the way, something we've been discussing for like a decade. He's like, weed doesn't smell like pine. Well, it doesn't always smell like skunks. But in this instance, I think it smells like weed and it smells like skunky weed. Oh, you don't smell pine.

Oh, I see. I see. Well, it's interesting to me that you're arguing about this, but yet the hard-boiled eggs weren't an issue for you at all, Brad. Well, I guess I got to turn a blind eye to something. Yeah, it's interesting where you pick your battles. Well, I mean, that's marriage right there. You got to pick your battles where you can. Exactly. So Chelsea, I wanted to ask you some thoughts about making friends as an adult. I find when I meet somebody that I really like and I want to hang out with them more,

I'm not 100% sure how to go about that, how to feel out if they're as into me as I am into them. What are your thoughts? How do you do it? Oh, that's so funny. I mean, I'm always making friends as an adult. And you're also constantly meeting new people. Yeah, I guess I'm lucky that way because I'm always bouncing around to different places, so I get to meet new people. I feel like it's a mutual connection. When you have chemistry, it's kind of undeniable. So likely if you're feeling something or like an attraction towards a person that you want to just like spend more time with or hang out with in a non-sexual way,

it's pretty easy. It's usually reciprocated, I find. You know, like if someone's texting me going, when are we going to hang out? I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, I feel the same way. So I just don't feel like who cares about rules as an adult. You know what I mean? It's not like you're a kid and you're so self-conscious and thinking about what other people think of you or maybe you are self-conscious. But even so, it's good to extend invitations and broaden your horizons always.

Like that's always a good idea to make sure you're keeping everything fresh and making new acquaintances as well as friends. You never know what anyone's going to bring to the table. So I always like to hang out with new people all the time. I'm always interested in a different perspective, you know, and I think a good thing to remember is like, we've talked about this a lot, that all relationships don't last forever, you know, a lot of relationships and, and, and a lot, that all relationships don't last forever. A lot of relationships and a lot of new people come into your life for a reason as well. So you should be open to that aspect of things of like, oh, this might be somebody that I'm supposed to know or

supposed to be friends with and could be somebody that you're supposed to be friends with for the rest of your life. So I don't think there's any shame in reaching out and being like, hey, you want to hang out? I'm into you or whatever. You don't have to say I'm into you, but you can say I like you. That might be misconstrued in a text. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want people to think they're walking into a throuple situation. So that's how we caught you. That's how I feel sometimes when couples are trying to hang out with me. I'm like, back it up, back it the duck up. Get away from me. I know what you're up to.

I once had two friends come over. It was so funny. I was leaving Reese Witherspoon's Christmas party years ago. And my friend and her husband drove me home. And then I was like, do you guys want to come in for a drink? And they came in. It was actually my friend Kate and her ex-husband. And they came in.

And they're sitting at my kitchen counter. And I made them cocktails. And then I said, just so you guys know, we're not hooking up. And they both looked at each other like, what? And I was like, I don't know what you guys are into, but I'm not into it. And we've been friends ever since. Oh my gosh. We had a similar experience with a couple of friends of ours.

And Brad had been hanging out with this guy. They were in a band together. I had met him a few times because he bartended. We just hit it off from the very beginning. Absolutely love this guy. We were in the car together, the three of us, and we were going to meet his wife. And I think I'd met her once or twice. But it was early stages. And I made some joke about, oh, well, this is the point where we ask you guys to hook up with us or whatever. And he thought I was serious.

And just the backseat of the car went deadly silent. That's horrible. Like five seconds. And I was like, Matt, I'm joking. And then he was like, oh, my God. Thank goodness, because I was really enjoying hanging out with you guys. And that was about to be over. I know.

I hate having to say I'm joking, though, you know? I know. It's an LA thing. Like a good barometer or measure of somebody who's worthy of hanging out with is somebody who also knows that that's a joke. That takes it seriously. No offense to your friend, your new friend. That's okay. We still are very good friends with them to this day. That was like a decade ago. So, you know, that's great advice. Thank you so much. Just to close it out. What's your go-to friend date when you're first meeting someone? Is it let's grab dinner? Is it come over? What's your go-to? I mean, I recently made a new friend because my neighbor called me. I think I

talked about this. My neighbor that I'm building a house next to got in touch with me and was like, hey, I'm so excited that you're moving next to me. We're going to be best friends. He's a gay guy, obviously. And he's like, I love to party. I love everything you represent. I can't wait for us to be neighbors. We're going to build a funicular behind our houses to meet or a zip line or whatever. And I was like, oh, that's so fun. And we were trying to hang out. We couldn't make it work. And then I was in Sundance skiing in Park City. And he was at Sundance at the festival. And then we met up.

There you go. We met up there. And we had a drink together. I think a drink. A drink is a good. Or a coffee. Like if you're into coffee. I don't really drink coffee.

So whenever people suggest that, I'm like, whatever. That's more of a meeting. Like I have business meetings over coffee. Yeah, for sure. Where I pretend to drink coffee. Like I have business meetings over coffee, you know, where I pretend to drink coffee or I have hot tea or who knows. I never know what to get at a coffee place. Yeah. You know what? Starbucks has those, not to plug anything, but Starbucks has those like refreshers that are like lightly sweet. They're fruity and they have a little teeny bit of caffeine. I like those when I'm not into coffee. Oh, they have caffeine? I like anything with caffeine. Yeah. It's got a little caffeine. of caffeine. I like those when I'm not into coffee. Oh, they have caffeine? I like anything with caffeine.

Yeah, it's got a little caffeine. I think it's like maybe as much as a cup of tea or maybe it is a cup of coffee. I don't know. You could ask them, but I love those. Well, thank you for that. Thank you for that recommendation, Catherine. That is meaningful. So how is your house going?

I was actually wondering that this morning. I don't know. Who knows what the hell's happening with my house? I can't even. This is a perfect example of my impulsivity. I wanted to get my family out of my house, so I had to send them a strong message. I put the house on the market and now I have been homeless for two years. Yeah.

And I've been in a rental. So, oh, I have some other sad news to announce, actually. Oh, no. Okay okay I haven't publicly announced it because I don't feel like it but Bert is no longer with us oh I know I'm so sorry to hear that thank you thank you my poor little baby he's so sweet and um but Bernice is still with us who knows for how long so I'm gonna have to get her a little companion soon. Anyway, so my baby boy is gone. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Thank you. He was such a sweet. He was so robust when I got him and watching him kind of fall apart or deteriorate was so like. It's heartbreaking. But you know what I feel like about dogs? I just feel like you got to pivot that love because you give out so much love to them. And when you lose a dog, it's such an easy transfer of love to find another dog and give another dog a home and then give Bernice another little someone to torture.

And so I will be doing that. I'll be on the hunt for a new chow, guys, soon. Okay. Well, I will, I'm sure, get a lot of emails about this, so I will send things along to you guys. But yeah, I'm so sorry. It's never easy. It's just never easy. I know. It's never easy. But you know what you have to remember about dogs? It's like you gave them a life. He was a rescue, and he was in bad shape when I got him. And then he was loved so hard by his birth mother, Bob Bell, but also by me and all my friends.

And he was just such a lover. I mean, I've never had a dog that would lie on me all night long. I just loved that. Oh, what a good boy. Yeah. What a good boy. Well, just snuggle Bernice a little extra hard next time you see her. And also, I loved what Laurel and Jackson said is that we're going to see them again one day.

Well, Chelsea, I do have a couple of updates. Okay. From colors from previous episodes. So should we launch into those? Yeah. All right. Fantastic. This one is from our dear friend, Brayden Cantaloupe,

who was our sweet Canadian friend. He was in his early 20s, and he was like, I want to study fashion, but I'm background friends and family, and I want to move to London. So Brayden says, hi, Chelsea and Catherine. I hope you're both doing well. I'm just emailing to say while it's been a year, I've finally moved to London. Once my visa was sorted in November, I booked my flights for January, and here I am. I've been here nearly a month now, moving into my beautiful flat tomorrow. Honestly, your advice did help give me the little kick in the ass I needed to get over here,

and boy, am I glad I did. Thank you both for everything, braid and cantaloupe. P.S. I've had a few viewers actually message me on my Instagram to see if I made the move. Most recently, someone messaged me just the other day and said they're so happy to see I made the move. How lovely of people. Oh, that's so sweet. I love our little community. Who would have thunk it? You know what I mean? Seriously, it's just lovely. I used to just be a bitch on the E-network and now look at the wonderful work we're doing. Yes.

I even had a maybe love connection the other day. Someone had listened to, you know, someone who was single and said, hey, can you send her my Instagram? So I did. We'll see. A straight guy, apparently, or at least sometimes straight. Yeah, we should look into doing some sort of like matchmaking episode because I really like to set people up and, you know, make people get together, force them.

I love that. I love that. Cool. And then our next follow up is from Regina. She was the lesbian who was having an affair with a married woman. And she has this to say. Dear Chelsea, I had a fucking fantastic 10-day trip to South America. Remember, she was about to leave.

That started the day after we chatted. While I was gone, I had close to zero communication with my lover slash co-worker, which is, of course, what we both needed. When I returned, we amicably talked and agreed that the affair, both emotional and physical, needed to stop. She has stated a few times that she is, quote, going to tell her partner the truth when she is ready, and who the fuck knows when that will be. I could go into more detail for you about how she's struggling with my new lack of emotional investment in our

relationship and my refusal to be vulnerable with her anymore. I think that's great, but it doesn't really matter. What does matter is talking with you was the turning point in this seemingly endless roundabout that I couldn't stop circling. So thank you so fucking much for that. I wanted things to change without having to make any changes. The feedback I got from you and Natasha was the kick in the ass I needed. Anyway, I'm writing tonight to not only give you that brief update,

but also to ask when would be a good time for us to get together kick in the ass I needed. Anyway, I'm writing tonight to not only give you that brief update, but also to ask when would be a good time for us to get together so we can start our own affair as per your proposal. I'm vaccinated and horny, so let me know when works best for you. Kissy face, Regina. Oh dear. Oh God, now I have to start sleeping with my female callers. I know. This is such a burden. Tricky. First of all, vaccinated and horny tour is over. We are starting a Little Big Bitch Tour. Yes. Okay? And we just added Red Rocks.

Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. We added Red Rocks. We added... There's a bunch of new dates that we added. So check on ChelseaHandler.com for tickets for my new tour, which is going to start in April. Little Big Bitch.

It's going to be so good. I've been writing all my material while I'm writing a fucking book. I'm like, Jesus, I have too much to do. Too much writing. You got to be out there having more life experiences so you have something to write about. I know. Maybe I should sleep less,

watch less TV and sleep less and smoke less pot. I'd probably be a lot more productive, but whatever. That always helps. That always helps. I'm using this as downtime. Yeah. Well, as you should.

It's vacation time. But back to the matchmaking thing. If anyone is wanting to be hooked up or matchmaked. Matchmade? Anyone want to be matchmaked? Let us know. Write in for that because we will try and facilitate that. And if you are a straight man and you are listening and you are single, we can definitely help you because the ratio of women to men listening to this is very high. Yes. And write

matchmaking in the subject line so I know and we'll see what we can do for you. That's exciting. Good idea. I like that. Yeah. Maybe we'll have to have a matchmaker on or somebody who knows about relationships. We don't need a matchmaker. I know what to do. Isn't it a mitzvah if you set up three couples who get married? Is it? I think so. I just set up a couple, one couple, a gay couple. I don't know what's going to happen with them yet.

Or yeah, if you're a gay couple, I mean, gay people want to be set up and they're all listening to this. So that's a good idea to write in for that. But also, you know, straight guys would a good idea to write in for that. But also, you know, straight guys would be nice to have some in the mix. Unmarried straight guys, as we learned last week with your sisters. Oh, yeah. Unmarried, please. Everyone who participates in this must be unmarried. We'll just put it that way. Can you imagine? That's the next headline. Chelsea Handler hooks up married woman with

married man. It's just next headline. Chelsea Handler hooks up married woman with married man. It's just Ashley Madison, Chelsea Madison. Chelsea Christina Barcelona. Chelsea, next up, we have a new segment that we're going to be doing, calling in backup with BetterHelp. You want to tell us a little bit more about that? Yes. So sometimes we get questions where I just don't feel it's appropriate for me to be answering. And obviously I joke about being a medical professional, but we know that I'm not, and I have no certification or degree. I am just really just spouting stuff straight out of my ass.

So we are doing this thing where we have BetterHelp therapists, which they're a sponsor of the podcast and they do great work. It's online therapy, BetterHelp. It's affordable. All of it's so accessible for anybody who's having trouble or going through something. So we decided to work together in concert with them. And when we have some questions that we don't feel like I can answer appropriately, we are calling in somebody who is more skilled. And with that, David Yadish, licensed therapist and clinical operations manager at BetterHelp

is going to join us in a little bit. Great. OC says, Dear Chelsea, I love listening to your podcast and I've noticed that you are a big proponent of therapy, whether it's individual or couples therapy. I come from Asia where therapy is very taboo. Therapy is looked at as something is very wrong with you or it's also, how pathetic are you that you need therapy and can't solve your own problems? I've had many issues from my childhood, from my relationship with my mom who passed away when I was 25 years old. I'm 43 now. So my husband recommended that I do therapy. I did it for a

month or two despite my cultural belief, and I was never able to be 100% open with the therapist. She did listen a lot and complimented me a lot. To be honest, it made me feel great. She then concluded that I was totally fine and there was nothing wrong with me. Now to my actual question. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and we have a lot of differences. Simply starting with cultural differences, he's American and I'm Far East Asian, so we come from two different spectrums of the world, culturally and geographically.

We also have very different personalities. Now we have three amazing kids together, and we both love our kids so much that even though we have a lot of differences and sometimes feel like this marriage is not working out, we want to push through for the sake of the kids. We both do agree that we should go to therapy. However, my main fear and concern is will therapy break our marriage? Do we have so many issues and differences that we ignored for so many years that we're opening a can of worms? Will therapy make us bring up every issue and in the end make us realize we're not right for each other after all, divorce is absolutely out of the question for me. I do not want to put my kids through that. Also, I do love my husband and I believe he loves me, so I think there's a good foundation there and a desire to be together. We just never had great communication. Sometimes it feels weird

to start communication after 13 years of marriage. Please advise if couples counseling is a good or bad idea for us. So let's get our therapist David on the line and maybe he can speak to some of the cultural differences, some of the fears around going to therapy. Hi, David. Hello. Hi, David. How are you? I'm doing well. How are you guys? Great. Thank you. Well, David, what do you have to say about OC's letter?

I think this is a great question and great to ask. It's never too late to start communicating in any relationship, right? But therapy can be really scary and it's going to be different for every time in your life, every therapist you see. And one of the things that this writer brought up in the beginning is that cultural piece. So not every therapist is going to have the same life experience. Not every therapist is going to have the same anything in life, right? But we can all relate on a very human level on things about communication, fighting, what it's like to just exist in this world together. So finding a therapist that maybe is part of the AIPI community could be really helpful and help bridge that gap to get 100% comfortable in a therapy situation.

Because so much of the work that we do as therapists is about the relationship, right? Anybody who's been in therapy can talk about, if you feel comfortable with your therapist, it's so much easier to open up. It's so much easier to get to those real deep core things. And that's really important, especially going into like couples counseling. There's a lot of vulnerability there, right? You have to talk about things that aren't working, the challenges that have come over the years. And they talk about being married for 13 years. I'm sure there's a lot of stuff that could be talked about, right? What do you think, Chelsea? I think you just have to, if you have a desire to want to stay in a relationship

and your partner has a desire, then you're using couples counseling or a therapist as a bridge to get there. You're enlisting somebody to help you maintain the relationship. So of course it's worth it. And if you go into therapy thinking you're going to find out all of these things, all you're going to find out is about your differences and how people prefer to be communicated with. Those are all workable things when you have a common goal. David, how important do you think it is to find a therapist who either has a background that's similar to you, whatever it is, LGBTQ, or specializes in something that you're talking about? I think it's really important.

Again, not every therapist is going to have those exact experiences and still can relate on a number of different levels. But it's really important to find someone who you can relate to in that way. Like you said, LGBTQ or a certain religious or cultural experience, because then it takes away some of that fear, some of it takes away some of that fear, some of that anxiety, some of that misunderstanding in sessions. So it can be a really valuable experience. I love that idea of finding someone who has the same cultural background as you

or specializes in whatever your stuff is. I also will say, as far as the worry of it splitting you up, Chelsea, what do you think about that? That's just fear. Like that's just not being educated about therapy. The idea that therapy is going to split you up is ridiculous. Like it's the opposite is true. I mean, couples can break up when they go to therapy, but that's also a good thing because you're revealing your truths about each other or each other's truths and your own self-truths. So that's unlikely when both people are interested in a solution. I know there was a time in my marriage early on where I didn't know if we were going to

make it. And we went through couples counseling. And even though I specifically was at a point where I was like, I don't know if this is happening. I don't know if this is happening. I don't know if this is working. I remember our counselor saying to us, I think you have something special that is worth working on. And I think for OC, she and her husband seem to both have a real willingness to try.

And I think that's kind of half the battle in couples counseling. Yeah. Usually, as long as two people have both feet inside the house, that's great. Then that's an effort. And that speaks more than anything else that is going to happen, like when you have a kind of united front. And it's totally

normal to be with somebody for that long and to be fucking annoyed with each other. Yeah. Yes. Especially when you have some cultural differences that you're like, why aren't they just getting this? This is how I operate. Thanks, David, for joining us. Thank you. OC, let us know how things go and report back.

Yeah, OC, keep in touch. So we're going to be doing this segment, Calling in Backup with BetterHelp from time to time. So feel free to write in questions with that in mind. And a big thank you to Calling in Backup's sponsor, BetterHelp. And of course, you to Calling In Backup's sponsor, BetterHelp. And of course, to David Yadish, licensed therapist and clinical operations manager at BetterHelp. Well, Chelsea, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. Okay. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive

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Inside you, two wolves are locked in battle. One thrives on fear and anger and doubt. The other, courage, wisdom, and love. Every decision, every moment feeds one of them. Which wolf are you feeding? I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. I've been there, homeless, addicted, and lost. I know the power of small choices to turn your life around. On this podcast, I sit down with thinkers, leaders, and survivors to uncover what it takes to feed the good wolf.

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Okay, Chelsea, let's start with a caller today. I have Brian calling in. He says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a 28-year-old gay man. I'm shaken up and could really use your advice. Back in November and December, I became very content with the idea of being single for a long time or forever. But right before New Year's, all that changed when I met Peter. What was to be a short Tinder date turned into a five hour rendezvous of endless conversation. And I even saw him again the next day.

I feel like in gay culture, that's like big, right? Yeah. The connection was unreal. And just a week later, we were dating officially. We told each other things we've never told anyone. And we just could not stop talking to each other. I felt totally myself around him. And therefore, I let my guard completely down and started falling in love. It was long distance, but we spent every weekend of January together.

And during the week we'd FaceTime every day for hours. I met his friends, told my parents I was dating someone which I've never done, and we made many travel plans to see each other through at least the summer. We were both actively applying for jobs in each other's respective cities so that we didn't have to be long distance forever. I recently drove eight hours to spend the week with him. The week was wonderful and there were no signs of issues. And the day after I made my drive back home, he started texting me a little less frequently.

Then he called me that evening and said he wanted to break off the relationship. For context, he's 34 and came out just a year ago. Shortly after he came out, he got into a six month relationship with a man which ended out of the blue. We met maybe a month and a half after that last breakup. His reasoning for ending it with me was that he needed space to be a single, openly gay man. He also cited the long distance and his demanding job. I'm just at a complete loss. We both communicated our intent

that this relationship was long-term, and he just flipped the switch completely one day. Like him, I have my own burdens, but those burdens became completely eclipsed by the feelings I have for him. We ended the breakup call with the possibility of getting in touch and rekindling at some point, whatever that means. Chelsea, please help me process what's going on. Brian. Hi, Brian. Hi there. Hi. I'm sorry, Brian. That happened. Thank you. It happened two days ago now. So it's very, very recent and I'm still practicing it. Okay. And how many months were you guys together? Five, did you say? Just one month, actually. Oh, sorry. Okay. So you were, oh, so one month. Okay. Well, the good news is it's going to take you a much quicker time to get over a one month dalliance. It sounds a lot like a love bombing from just hearing your letter.

To be that intense that quickly. I was reading about love bombing once because my girlfriend was going through the same thing. And it's like somebody's explosively in love with you, right? Just you're on your FaceTiming all day long. You're telling you where you're making future plans premature to when that's appropriate. And if you guys doing all of that with inside of one month is a big red flag. So that's an unhealthy dynamic. Anyway, you're, you know, you're supposed to, you can totally be into somebody that much, but starting to make plans like that and acting like that, it's just, it's not stable. Do you know what I mean? Like it's not a slow burn and a slow growth where it goes like this in a regular ascent in a healthy way. So it sounds a little bit unhealthy, which is why you probably feel spun out right now.

The reason for it kind of escalating that quickly was that it was long distance. And we just had this strong media connection right from the get go. They had a conversation at the very beginning of the relationship saying this is long term. And we're going to see it through. And we committed to that throughout the month. And just the other day out of the blue, it was like a switch. And he said, No, I can't do this. I do understand what you're saying about love bombing, though, that it seemed like it was too quick. But in the breakup call, I tried to almost negotiate with him saying, why don't we just slow it down instead of just having this clean break, given that we are so

into each other? And he just wasn't really seeing my perspective on that. Did you bring up, hey, what about everything you said and the commitment that we were making? I did a little bit. Because that is also part of love bombing, making big commitments and then turning off immediately like a switch. You shower someone with love, shower them with love, and then you're gone. And big promises and big stuff like that. I think that, Brian, it doesn't really matter what's going on with him. It matters what's going on with you, you know, because I'm talking to you right now. And I understand how you're feeling. I've been there. We've all been there. You feel like you

have the rug pulled out from underneath you. But there's a lot of advantages to the situation that I don't think you can see yet. A, it was a very short amount of time. You will get past this sooner than later. I know it doesn't feel like that in this moment, but after a couple of weeks, your feelings will subside. I promise you that your feelings will subside. You're still going to be hurt because it's hurtful. It's not leaving it open ended. I mean, I guess you're kind of leaving it open ended, but that was at your behest, not his. So I think that look at his behavior for what it is and what it was. You made that commitment to him, barely knowing him, getting to know him long distance, and you meant it. And he made that

commitment and he didn't mean it. So I think that character assessment is really integral into your healing and understanding. You don't want to be with someone who says things like that and then turns around and freaks out. Now, listen, if he comes back to you in a couple of weeks or a couple of months and says, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I want to do this again. Like you need to set some boundaries and ground rules. That's not cool what you did. I was in it with you. We made a commitment. I thought we were working in a unified front together. And then you pulled the rug out from under me. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think you're just going to need some time to get around it, but I don't think you should have any contact with him. I don't think you

should reach out to him. I think you should give him, I think when somebody asks for space, you should give them double. Okay. Unfortunately, yesterday I wrote him a letter. Okay. It's very cathartic for me given that it was a, it was a quick 30 minute phone call with a lot of awkward pauses. I was just totally in shock. So instead I wrote him a letter like 12 hours later and I mailed it to him. Explaining like how I was so hurt given the circumstances. And as far as moving forward, I only want to hear from him if he's in the space that he wants to reach out to me. So I left the possibility open, and I've spoken to some of my friends about this,

given them the context, and they keep saying they expect him to come back at some point, and I'm wondering if that's your take on it too. You kind of alluded to that. I mean, I don't know. Yeah, there's a possibility. And I think that sometimes helps people get over their healing, the idea that someone's going to come back and that's fine. Whatever you need to do to move on. The important thing is like, yeah, you can assume that. I don't know if he's going to come back. I have no idea who this guy is, obviously. And I'm not a palm reader. But I think it's an opportunity for you to kind of restabilize. Now that he's out of the picture, if he does come back, I want you to have a stronger sense of self and of boundaries and what's healthy and what isn't, if and when that does happen,

and if it's not him for the next person. It's not healthy to get that crazy and that together in a month. It's understandable that you have an attraction, but long distance, I've had long distance relationships. I've dated long distance. It's not necessary to get like that. You know what I mean? That's a build because if you start in one month and you guys are on the phone, however many hours a day, you're FaceTiming, all that stuff, that's never going to last. And you have nowhere to go from the first month. You have nowhere to climb. You know, you want like a healthy, long-term relationship, right? Is that what you're after ultimately?

Yes. Yeah. So I think this is a lesson for you to just consider all of those things and think about how you want to move forward in the next relationship or if this guy does return. Yeah, I think there's a little bit of guarding your heart that should happen if you do hear from him again. And I also think, you know, having written him the letter jives with what Chelsea was saying. You said the door is open if you want to contact me, but I'm not going to

chase you. I also think when you're long distance, especially from the beginning, there's an opportunity for you to live in the fantasy of this is going to be so amazing. It's going to be great. All the amazing things. We're so in love. But you're not dealing with the day-to-day of being around each other other, of like the everyday annoyances of, you know, you came home pissed because you had a bad day at work and he's got to deal with you. You know, all of that stuff is not present. And so it's very easy to only experience like the exciting part of it. Who knows if he's going to come back? But if he does, I think you got to guard your heart a little bit.

Right. I'm in shock given that I have a tendency to not be vulnerable and put up walls. And I had made a conscious effort at the beginning of this relationship to not do that. I let everything go and was like totally myself around him. And that's why it hurts so bad. Yeah. Oh, I know. I can tell you're hurting, obviously. And I just want you to remember, this is a month of your life. And it seems like the biggest month of your life right now. Once you get a little bit of distance from this, it's not going to be so big in your mind.

It just won't be. And I know if you want to hold on to the idea that he's coming back, that's fine, too. That sometimes helps people. I've done that in the past and to get over somebody, you know, like they'll be back, they'll be back. And by the way, they always are. I mean, for women, you know, I can't speak for gay men because it's a little bit different. But, you know, I just really want you to look inward and focus on yourself and your healing

and positive vibrations for you, you know, instead of obsessing about what he's doing, which is sometimes, you know, unavoidable. I know how the brain works and you're going to be obsessing over him because you care so much about him and you are so hurt. I just think, hold your head high. You sent him that letter and act with integrity. And now you can step away from him. And if and when he comes back, then it's going to be a different story. If it's like a few days and he's like, I fucked up, then obviously, then okay, you're on the same page. But if it's a couple months and he comes back and says like, okay, now I want to come back and be like, well, not so fast. We have to have some ground rules now. But I want you to think about how you can be stronger and better and more grounded in every relationship moving forward and focus on that skill set while you're going through this time. I think when you try to like look at yourself and you try to better yourself and maybe read a book about breaking up. Do you

read books? A little bit. Yeah. Okay. I just wanted you to keep yourself busy and just try and get through the initial blunt force of the trauma of breaking up with somebody after a month, you know? And I think once you get past past two weeks, you're going to feel a lot differently than you do feel now. You might still have the same feelings, but it won't be such a dagger in your chest. Yeah. One thing that I'm thinking about now, I keep trying to theorize, what was going in his mind this entire month and at the moment of breakup? Is it just simply he got cold feet or was it that the entire month he was being superficial and fake? I keep going back to that, but I hear what you're saying about I need to stop belaboring that point and just move forward

with my life. Yeah. And you can try and, you know, I think a good exercise is sending him love in your own mind. I want to send him peace, happiness, and love. Anytime he comes into your mind to just give out love, you may not get these answers. And to be quite frank with you, it doesn't matter what he, what his MO is, what he was doing. It matters what you're doing. It doesn't matter if he was manipulating you or if he really felt it and he got cold feet. I know it matters to you psychologically right now, but ultimately in the bigger scheme of things, his behavior doesn't matter. Yours does. That's how I ended the letter I sent him saying like, I want you to be happy and I'm glad to have been on that journey with you, even if it was just for the short moment.

That's good. I tried to like push that forward. Yeah, great. Keep riding that train. That's exactly what you need to do to heal. Yeah. There's also in your letter, you guys got close enough that he opened up to you about other relationships that have ended really abruptly. And I'm glad you included that in your letter. So that may just be kind of how he operates. And it's kind of a good thing that you guys weren't together for six months or a year or engaged before he suddenly was out of your life. Yeah, I agree with that. Be grateful that it was a month that this happened and not six months, because that would have been really, really even more painful than what you're going through right now. I know that's unimaginable to you, but I promise you it would have been worse if it had,

you know, sometimes in our lives, and I know I've felt this way, sometimes when we can't recognize the situation we're in, there's a bigger, higher power that's pulling us out of it. And I think it's helpful to sometimes look at things like that. Not everything is in your control. And sometimes someone's doing you a favor and you don't even know it's a favor until much later. Right. I think another point similar to that is in the beginning of my letter to you, I had mentioned I had been content with the idea of being single for a very long time. And then this happened. So this kind of changes my perspective of relationships, knowing that I do have the ability to love another person.

It may not be this person, but it can happen in the future. Yes. Yes, absolutely. You're not a victim. This is a good empowering situation. And I beg you to use it. You know what I mean? Use it to make you stronger, to make you more aware and to be the person that is going to attract the person that you're looking for. And in order to be that person, you know what I mean? Sometimes we have to do a little bit of extra work and there are lessons along the way. And then all of a sudden, you're at this like higher level of vibration and you're attracting somebody who's really on the level and can see you exactly for what you are. And then you join forces and it's explosive. Yeah.

Don't neglect the slow burn. I mean, when I first started dating my husband, I had gotten out of a relationship that was a very, like tons of love bombing. It wound up becoming very abusive. It was 11 months of bad stuff. And I was single for a little while. I met Brad and compared to what I had come from,

this was just sort of like a very nice guy who pursued me and wanted to treat me right. And there's something about it if you've gone through a relationship where there is a lot of love bombing that a more healthy, stable relationship can seem almost boring or a lot less exciting because you don't have these extreme high highs

and extreme low lows. But that stability is also what a healthy relationship is built on. So don't neglect the guys that might seem a little less exciting at the very beginning. Please take that the right way, Brad. But it can be good for longer term. You have to get to know somebody. When there's electricity, that's great. But that's not all it takes to be in a longer term? You have to get to know somebody. When there's electricity, that's great, but that's not all it takes to be in a relationship. That's just chemistry. And that's when you spark with someone. And sometimes you can get carried away, and it sounds like you got carried away. You don't really know him. You don't know his character. You

don't know his background. You just know what he's told you. You haven't spent enough time with him, with his family, with his friends. All of those things matter and vice versa. He has to spend time with you. It's fun and it's great, but it's not healthy. How old are you, Brian? I'm 30. Oh, okay. Well, listen, you're going to have plenty of people. You're going to have plenty of time to get your heart broken again and break other people's hearts. So, you know, when you get stuck and mired in it, just try and pull yourself out and get that perspective of your entire life, not just this moment. And look at your whole life and your past and your future. And then you're going to understand that a month is nothing.

I really appreciate this outsider perspective. Since I've been getting the comments from my friends. It's all they're trying to support me and saying, oh, he's going to come back. It's kind of like myopic type of thinking versus you're giving me a more holistic picture, which I really appreciate. Yeah, I think that's important. Well, will you check back in with us in a few weeks, Brian? I will. All right. Let us know how it's going, OK? I will. Thank you so much. Thanks.

Thanks, Brian. Good talking to you. Bye-bye. Bye. Oh, what a sweetie. Oh, heartbreak. I know. You know, I remember meeting this fucking guy on MySpace. Remember MySpace? And I went out with him, oh God, I forget how many times, but enough, you know, for a couple months, maybe a month and a half. But intense. We were into each other not to the degree that this guy's talking about because I would never FaceTime that long. But I didn't even know about FaceTime that at that point. I don't know if we had it. Because my space. I don't even think we had iPhones back there. Yeah. We had the internet. And he blew me off off he goes to me i was like in my 20s and i was obsessed with finding out what happened ghosting is the worst yes obsessed with finding

out what happened what it what is it because of something i did is it because something i said did i do that did i get too drunk? Did I whatever? Just obsessed. There had to be a reason. And it's like sometimes there just isn't a fucking reason. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. It just matters how you kind of react to those situations. And when you let them envelop you and take over your mind, it just has such a negative

impact on everything else that's going on in your life at that moment. Yep, it definitely does. I think he's going to be just fine. And I'm glad that he sort of learned how to be vulnerable in this situation. And if he can reign that into a healthy degree in his next interaction, I think that's perfect. That's exactly what he needs. But he met the person who wanted to take advantage maybe of that vulnerability, like right at the moment he decided to like give it all away. And you got to give it out in increments, you know, people have to earn it. I like the phrase welcome the pain, you know, I like that. I read that in some book and it ran deep with me because I just, it's a great way to look at a hard situation

because I feel like, you know, we all go through difficult breakups and we all get our hearts broken and we all heal. So you're not some, people think it's never gonna be okay again. It's gonna be okay again. Everyone survives this. There's not a lot of people who haven't been in love or haven't had their heart broken. It happens a lot.

And I think welcoming the pain is a great idea to think about. Welcome it. The sooner you go through it, the sooner it is out of you. And the sooner the next adventure is right around the corner. Yeah. So welcome it. Bring it in.

Let it run through you. And then you're going to be moving on. Yeah. And you said something like this when we were talking to him as well. But one of my girlfriends says, rejection is protection. And that's exactly what the situation feels like to me. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that. Well, should we take another caller? Yeah. Hi. Yeah. I like our one-on-one episodes.

I know. They're kind of fun. Yeah. We can really get down to business. Yes, exactly. are locked in battle. One thrives on fear and anger and doubt. The other, courage, wisdom, and love. Every decision, every moment feeds one of them. Which wolf are you feeding? I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. I've been there, homeless, addicted, and lost. I know the power of small choices to turn your life around. On this podcast, I sit down with thinkers, leaders, and survivors to uncover

what it takes to feed the good wolf. This podcast saved me. It's like having a guide for the hardest parts of life. The wolves are hungry. What will you feed them? Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah. Whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the

holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early. Well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander.

And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like... Why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer.

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Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really, No Really.

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This call is from Maggie. She says, Dear Chelsea, In the spring of 2016, I had to end a toxic friendship with someone I had considered a best friend and soulmate of six years. Let's call her Amanda. Amanda had been exhibiting problematic, manipulative, and abusive behavior towards me and others that I had been clocking for a while and could no longer handle or tolerate in my life. Ultimately, I've not regretted this decision, except for genuinely missing her in the best of times we had in the past, but I've completely moved on and I'm so happy in the friendships I have kept and cultivated before and since then. Things have been relatively easy to navigate,

minus one mild run-in at an event, especially since I have the positive mindset about my decision and hold no hard feelings towards Amanda. I genuinely wish her the best. Until now, our mutual best friend is getting married and we will be attending the same bridal party events together. Now, I don't know how I can be more clear to everyone that it's all good, we chill, at least on my end, but the bride-to-be has asked me if things will be awkward and uncomfortable. Of course not, is my answer, but I can see it's weighing on her. I can't help but think that Amanda has mentioned something or given the impression to the bride that things could be uncomfortable. The bride has always been very conscious of not mentioning us to the other, which I have told her a few times is not necessary because I'm freaking good. To ease the bride's

nerves, I have offered to reach out to Amanda and say hello and gently let her know everything is good on my end, and I look forward to enjoying the events leading up to the wedding together in an amicable fashion. However, I'm finding the words to be really difficult to get down in a draft. Amanda is an incredibly sensitive and intelligent person whose ability to pick apart a well-meaning message and its unsaid, quote, potential demeaning nature is astounding. Her superpower is to take offense to anyone who even breathes wrong around her, and that's what worries me. If I don't choose my words ever so carefully, instead of diffusing and creating a positive environment for the bride, things will be awkward and tense because she's

incapable of letting go and letting these special days be about someone else. Please help Maggie. Hi, Maggie. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? Hi. Good. This is Catherine, Hi, Chelsea. How are you? Good. This is Catherine, who you know. How are you? Yeah, I got there. I'm good. Thank you.

How about yourself? We're good. We're good. Okay, so this is a good situation. Well, let's write this letter together. First of all, my question is, what is her relationship with the bride these days? Is the bride aware of her toxicity? I don't think that she's aware.

They're still fairly close friends. The bride and I, I think, spend more time together and we're a little bit closer. But the bride, she's just the sweetest person. And so I think she is tolerant of a little bit more kind of toxic behavior that this girl has shown. And I was kind of snapped out of it a few years ago, but they're still close. Okay. So when did your relationship end with this woman?

2016. Oh, so it's been a while. It's been a really long time. So I'm very good where I'm at. There's been one or two times where the ex-friend has either tried to reach out to me through the bride or another mutual friend, maybe trying to rekindle things. But I've kind of said, you know, enough time has passed and I like I'm I'm good. Okay, I you sound good. Listen, everything you wrote in that letter, you sound totally healthy and with it. So let's just phrase how you're going to put this right. I think you just make it all about your friend. That's the

that's getting married. Yeah, this is about her. I want the focus to be on her. I have no ill will towards you. And I'm looking forward to spending this time with you. I want the focus to be on her. I have no ill will towards you. And I'm looking forward to spending this time with you. I think we're all going to have a great time. Yeah. Right? I think short and sweet is the best way so that she can't go in and parse your language. Yes. Short and sweet. Keep it positive. Keep it about the bride. Okay, great. So what are you thinking about writing? Hey, hope you're doing well. I'm so happy for our friend.

Yes. We know that moving forward, we will be seeing some of each other and just want to reach out and say, looking forward to having a really great time and making it just about the bride, you know, and we can enjoy ourselves too. Yeah. Yeah. I think everything you said is perfect, but don't say making it just about the bride because that implies that there's tension. So I think you should say, I can't wait to celebrate her with you. And I think we're all good.

And I'm looking forward to having a great weekend. And I just wanted to touch base so that you know that I'm coming with a heart full of love. Something like that, you know, at the end. Heart full of love, I like that. Yeah. I think Chelsea's right too, you know, especially because this friend has reached out and made an attempt at rekindling a relationship. You don't have to

do that. But I think Chelsea's right to be like, you know what, let's go and have a great time. It doesn't mean you have to become best friends with her again. Being like, hey, we're going to have a good time together at this event you know you're going to be at together. I think it's safe. Right. So not delving too much into the past or focusing on, I know things have been, just keep it forward focused. No, no. It's 2016. You're talking about like seven years. You know what I mean? Don't even bring it up. Just move forward because who knows? Listen, she might be different too. You don't know if she's been to therapy and has some self-awareness now or if she's changed. So don't assume that she's the same person she was. Absolutely. Even if it comes up at the wedding,

which it shouldn't, you should be like, no, no, no, no. This is about, this is about the woman that's getting married. This is your tribute to her. You're writing this letter because of her. You're going to have a great time and not focus on the past because of her. Just be in the moment that you're in, you know, and just spread positivity in that letter. Make it short and sweet, no longer than five sentences. Do you still have her phone number or do you follow her on social media? I would have to reach out on social media.

I think back however many years ago it was, I probably did block her number, probably on, you know, whatever social media we were using at the time. But I think I would still be able to reach out as like a DM or something. Okay. I mean, I honestly would say like a DM or a text feels less formal than an email or something like that. So maybe because you're keeping it short and sweet, that might feel like a less pressure just to be like, hey, girl,

looking forward to celebrating our friend with you, excited to party, whatever. But I love Chelsea, what you said about like coming with a heart full of love. It's gonna be exciting. Yeah, you're gonna be just fine. You're in a good place. You're a good person. And this woman, I bet has changed a little bit. I don't think she's gonna want the drama. You know, I mean, a lot of time has passed. Yes. Yeah. And if she does, you know what, you have to know that you did the right thing. And you can't control her behavior. So if she does sn you know what? You have to know that you did the right thing and you can't control her behavior. So if she does snipe about it to someone else, okay, then she's going to do that. Yeah.

Just take a higher path. And then that way there's like, you haven't done any, you haven't been bad mouthing her. You're not going to, that's not your game. And you're just there to celebrate your girlfriend and her special day. Yeah. Yes. Okay, great. Well, thank you so much. Oh, thank you and her special day. Yeah. Yes. Okay, great. Well, thank you so much.

Oh, thank you. It's nice to talk to you. Good luck. You too. Thank you so much. Let us know how it goes. I will. Thank you both.

Bye, Maggie. Bye. Well, our last caller is Farron. Farron says, Dear Chelsea, so here's the hot goss. I met a guy on Hinge back in September. We had a lot in common, and it was lovely, but I wasn't feeling it at the time. I told him I was not interested in him romantically, and we decided to remain friends. We attempted to make plans a couple times, but never ended up hanging out.

A while later, I realized I had been closing myself off to potential romantic situations as a defense mechanism. Subconsciously, I was rejecting myself first and taking myself out of the situation before any man could reject me. Thanks, childhood conditioning. Anyway, I say things through a different, more open-hearted lens now. In December, he reached back out. This is like two months after they had originally gone out. With this new and open mind, I decided to meet him for coffee a few weeks ago. I had such a fun time with him.

He's easy to talk to. We're both spiritual, sit with plant medicine, really into evolving, and it's really meaningful to have someone to relate to those things about. We ended up talking on the phone for over an hour after the coffee hang. The problem is now I'm sure he sees me as just friendship vibes because I previously told him I wasn't interested. Now I'm feeling interested and having the option of this getting romantic down the line

and definitely want to make out with him. However, even though I do find him attractive, I'm not entirely certain if I'm fully physically attracted to him or not, if that makes sense. The question is, do I say something to him about how I'm feeling, even though I don't know if I'm 100% into it or not, if that makes sense. The question is, do I say something to him about how I'm feeling, even though I don't know if I'm 100% into it or not? Or just go about being friends and leave it

alone? Who knows what may happen organically? I love you all. This podcast is the fucking best. Chelsea, your new Netflix special is Bonkers Hilarious. Farron. Hi, Farron. Hi, Farron. Hi. Thanks for having me. How are you? I'm good. How are you guys? We're good, girl. I think you should go for it and just ask him. This is a little life situation that could turn into something great, or it could just be a blip. You're not trying to pursue a friendship, right, with him? I would. So previously, I would pursue men or text or try to make plans, but it was

coming from a very like scarcity mindset, anxiety place. And now I am really looking to be pursued and I would continue to be friends with him because it's nice to be able to have these kind of deep conversations with someone and be able to integrate with somebody who's on a spiritual path as well. I would risk it too, but I don't want to be in a position where I'm doing that again, kind of pursuing because that's not the look I want. I don't think you are though. I don't think you are. You're judging yourself on your past behavior, not on your present behavior. You don't have to be desperate about it. You have to just be upfront. Like, hey, I actually kind of had like a little spark. Or when you go out again and, you know, have a drink and then see if that changes things. And you can say it in person, just like, hey, I'm feeling

something. I don't know if this is anything, but what about, what do you think? That's not desperate. That's just being direct. So make sure you know the distinction between the two, because your old behavior isn't relevant to this situation. We get caught up in our past behavior instead of saying, I'm not like that anymore. Yeah. I also think there are extraordinarily few straight guys who, especially after they've expressed interest in a girl, are willing to hang out just as friends if they're not eventually trying to sleep with her. Like I am sure he is still interested. Yeah, I am too. I would be shocked if he's not. And if he wasn't, he wouldn't be going to coffee. You know, he just wouldn't. He'd be like, cool. Like just friends usually means like I'll never see you again,

especially with online dating. So I don't think you have to worry about like, oh, now he sees me as just a friend. No, flirt hard. Tell him you're into him. See what happens. How do you flirt hard? Touching on the hand, touching on the arm. Basically what I do with Chelsea when we're in person. I just touch her a ton. I mean, yeah, just go. That was such a fun conversation. I really dug it, you know, or whatever your language is. You know what I mean? How just go. That was really fun. I was kind of surprised by how I felt when I left there. I don't know. Are you interested? Even if he says no, which he's not going to, if he says no, who cares? Great. Okay, check that. And then you can be friends with him if that's fine with you but it's not a big deal it's a good exercise as a woman to demonstrate directness and in a gentle you know kind of sexy way you can be flirty about it and then that's your new thing say he says no then it's like okay great well we can still be friends you know what i mean and then you can if you want and if not something might happen with you guys.

And the other option is that, you know, you will like him and that you are attracted to him. It's totally normal to gain attraction to somebody talking to them more, you know, and having a real deep, meaningful conversation. Yeah. Yeah. And I know you had mentioned that he's out of town, so you hadn't heard from him. But it's also like friend vibes.

So why would he like make the next move, be the next one to be like, hey, let's go out again. Maybe let's grab a cocktail that will make it a little easier to flirt as well. We both don't drink. Oh, well, then don't grab a cocktail. I knew you were going to say that. I knew it. When I said drink the first time I could sound by your face that you don't drink, but that's okay. You don't need to drink. Go do whatever you do. What do you do? Go to coffee, yoga. What are you into? Yeah. I mean, I was trying to think of like a night setting where it could be a little bit more of a vibe, but not a bar. Well, go listen to some live music or something. Even if you go for a walk with somebody for a long time, I think once you have a substantial

conversation with somebody, that is the definition of chemistry, right? And whether it's romantic or friendship, you already have the chemistry there between each other if you guys sat and talked for that long and then called each other afterward. Yeah. You can also wait a time or two if you're not quite ready to be like, hey, I'm super into you, wait a time or two, see if the vibe sticks and take it from there. But I mean, if you're feeling something, pursue it. You know, I agree with Chelsea, like attraction grows. Yeah, don't put so much weight on this situation. This is one guy in a sea of and this is one moment in your life. This is not the end all be all. So don't think of it as such an important thing. It's not. And if it's supposed to be something and it grows into something, then you're going to be really happy that you did that.

Thank you for the clarity. That was awesome. Yeah. Okay, great. Good luck and let us know what happens. Thanks so much. Thank you. Okay.

Bye, Farron. Happy dating. Bye. She's so cute. I know. I wish everyone just go for it. Everyone needs to just go for things. Yes. Take a chance. Take a risk. It doesn't matter. So if somebody rejects you, who gives a shit? It's like on to the next. Yep. When I was in my early 20s or my late teens, I went through a period where I was like, I'm just going to ask out every guy that I find is cute. Half of them turned out to be gay, which was like even better because

then I made a bunch of friends. But I was just like, I'm just gonna ask people out to coffee. And it was just so much fun just to be like, hey, I'm gonna take control of this. It was great. Great. Well, let's take a quick break, Chelsea, and we'll come back to wrap up. Okay. Inside you, two wolves are locked in battle. One thrives on fear and anger and doubt. The other, courage, wisdom, and love. Every decision, every moment feeds one of them.

Which wolf are you feeding? I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. I've been there, homeless, addicted, and lost. I know the power of small choices to turn your life around. On this podcast, I sit down with thinkers, leaders, and survivors to uncover what it takes to feed the good wolf. This podcast saved me. It's like having a guide for the hardest parts of life. The wolves are hungry. What will you feed them? Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.

It's gonna be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We wanna be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially.

Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon.

Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really, No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer.

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and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. So that's why we created The Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts,

to give you the context you need to make sense of it all. Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Amanda Mull, who writes our Business Week buying power column. Very few companies who go viral

are like totally prepared for what that means. And Zoe Tillman, senior legal reporter. Courts are not supposed to decide elections. Courts are not really supposed to play a big role

in choosing our elected leaders. It's for the voters to decide. Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. And we're back. And actually, I do have one other quick question. Yeah, let's do a quick question. Okay, I will give you a choice because I don't know if this one's a little too icky, but there is one about skid marks. And there is also another one about should I tell the wife if someone said something lewd to me? Skid marks? What question

is about skid marks? Yeah, but what's the question? So her boyfriend is leaving skid marks everywhere. Oh, God, no, do the other one. I can't. That's kind of what marks everywhere. Oh, God, no. Do the other one. I can't. That's kind of what I figured. I was like, it's pretty gross. Oh, God. Oh, gross.

She's wondering if it's a deal breaker. I'm like, well. Yeah, sort of. Yeah, kind of. Okay. Leaving them everywhere. Where? In the kitchen?

Like, where is he leaving? You want me to just read it? All right. But let's do the other one to close it out because this is so gross. Okay. So Poppy says, my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for the last three years. Thank God.

We're both in our early to mid 30s and are planning our future together. He's my best friend, true partner, and biggest supporter. I can talk to him about anything and can be 100% myself around him, but I need help navigating a delicate situation. My boyfriend constantly leaves poop skid marks around the house. I understand if this happens after anal play, but that's not the case. What do you mean around the house? What does that mean? He goes into it. It's worse than you think. No, I don't know. The first time it happened, it was over a year ago. I noticed a smell and saw marks on the sheets

out of the corner of my eye. I didn't know what it was at first and asked, what's that? When he saw what it was, he got super embarrassed and apologized profusely. I, of course, was understanding. It didn't draw extra attention or make the situation worse. I simply changed the sheets while he was in the bathroom cleaning himself up. The same thing happened during his next visit, but this time it got on my expensive duvet. I was grossed out and ended up buying a new one. Another time, he got a mark on my new couch one week after purchasing it. There are countless-

He's sitting naked on the couch? That's what I can't get past. I'm like, he's got to put on some underwear. First of all, he needs to put on two pairs of underwear. Yes. There are now countless examples of this happening, and I can't take it anymore. The situation has started to impact our sex life. Anytime his crotch is near my face, during BJ's 69ing, sexy dancing during foreplay,

I am thinking about his poop and get turned off. Help me, Chelsea. This is so, so disturbing. He has, something's wrong. He has to go. First of all, I learned this. There are two sphincter holes, okay? So I learned this on a gay video about anal sex.

There's some sort of medical condition for what's happening to him. He shouldn't be leaving skid marks everywhere he goes. You have to have an honest conversation with him and nip it in the bud. This is so gross. And no one needs to deal with skid marks other than the person who's leaving them. You know what I mean?

Of course it's affecting your sex life. Of course you can't 69 somebody if you think there's shit coming out of their asshole. Fuck. I also want to know what sexy dancing has his ass near your face. I'm just really excited about that. So I agree. I mean, if you've had a conversation about like, are you wiping appropriately? I mean, you could just like leave some Cottonelle wipes in the bathroom. That might help too. But you do have to talk about it.

Yes, you have to tell him. It doesn't matter if he's embarrassed. It's about fixing the problem. Because there could be, like, some sort of reason for this. And I think there is. Because it's not natural. Or he's not wiping properly. Yeah. But I feel like if he's not wiping properly, then he wouldn't be that embarrassed. So, like, maybe it is, like, a little leaky medical issue.

Oh. You know? Like, maybe he's wiping fine. But then he's got a little leak happening. So he should talk to his doctor for sure. Yeah, I'm not that kind of doctor. I don't know about assholes. Well, Poppy, we wish you the best of luck.

And also just like have your boyfriend put on underwear in your house. While you're having sex. Make him wear underwear while you're having sex. Maybe a shower before foreplay. Yeah, he needs to be washing his asshole all the time. Maybe only shower sex from now on. Can we end on a better note than this? Do you have another one?

We can't, Chelsea. That was upsetting for her. I'm sorry. No, I'm so sorry. Okay, so. Dear Chelsea, I'm a big fan here. I'm a 29-year-old female working as a waitress. I waited recently on an older couple, 65 or 75 years old, and they seemed normal.

But when the wife stepped outside to take a phone call, the husband, or maybe he was her friend or brother, there's no way to know, got weird. He called me over to ask me a question, but then decided not to. Okay, weird, but whatever. Then he continued to stare at me as I was cleaning and waiting on the surrounding tables. The wife returns, she pays, and he goes to the bathroom. When he returned, I was at the computer putting in an order. When he got too close for comfort and whispered something so vulgar to me, it stopped me in my tracks. All I could do was wave him away, as I'm not a confrontational person,

and the owner of the restaurant was sitting at the bar. They left shortly after. As I was cleaning the pervert's table, I noticed that his wife, question mark, had filled out the receipt to sign up for our rewards program with her email. My question is, should I make a fake email and contact her to tell her this guy is a sicko and is a worthless pile of trash? I know it won't really do anything, but God, it would feel so good. This type of thing hasn't happened since I was 20, and I always said if it happened again, I would ruin their day, and I bitched out again.

I think that's the worst part. What should I do? Emily. Well, I think it sounds like you're going to have an opportunity to say something to his face. And I think that's the move, not saying something to his wife, because what's the point of that? That's kind of a cop out to emailing her anonymously. I mean, a that's inappropriate. He can't talk to you like that. Whatever he said that was vulgar is not appropriate. And so I think if they signed up for your rewards program, you're going to see him again. And I think you should get it straight in your head exactly what you're going to say the next time.

And also, just don't wait on them again. But I don't think you need to get involved with their marriage. I mean, he's gross. He's probably been gross for a long time. And she probably does know. Oh, that's a good point. But if it does happen again in person, just get something ready to say. And then you can say it in front of him and his wife if you want to. Or

you can say it to him personally. Or you can talk to your manager about what you're going to say and that you don't want to wait on them. I know what it feels like to cop out and not say the thing that you want to say and defend yourself. I think you just have to wait for the moment to arise again. And it kind of sounds like it will, unfortunately. And then you can say something. Yeah, agreed. I would talk to your manager and let them know what happened. And your manager might say, fine, then we'll ask them to leave next time they come.

But I think there's nothing wrong with if someone whispers something shitty in your ear saying loudly to them that like, that's not appropriate. And I can't believe you said that to me. And please leave, even if it's your workplace. But also like giving your manager a heads up about that ahead of time will probably save your ass a little bit with them all right well Chelsea Catherine we did the Lord's work today yeah god god now we're gonna go ski and just you know just let let let this all roll off my back like a water with duck or whatever the fuck that saying is. Exactly.

Roll off your, yeah, water off a duck's back. Exactly. Precisely. Duck, duck, duck. Goose. I'm a goose. Bye. Bye.

Don't forget to watch my special on Netflix, you guys. Revolution. It's a revolution. Also, I'm going back on tour, everybody. I have a new tour. It's called Little Big Bitch because I'm a little big bitch and I always have been. Well, now I'm a big little bitch. No, I'm still a little big bitch.

Whatever. Anyway, I'm going back on tour. I'm warming up my new one hour that I have to create from scratch. But I have some very strong ideas. I'm going to be at Zany's Nashville March 29th through Sunday, April 6th, and then Irvine Improv. And then I have dates, theater dates, everywhere from Peoria, Illinois, Carmel, Kalamazoo, Spokane, Washington, Boise, Idaho, Vegas, Highland, California, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and more and more and more. So go to ChelseaHandler.com for tickets.

A note on our segment, calling in backup with better help. David Yadish's input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. David's feedback is in response to a written question and therefore there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also, just because you might hear something on the show that sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self-diagnosis. Diagnosis is not required to find relief and you'll want to find a qualified professional

to assess and to explore diagnoses if that's important to you. If you or your partner are in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety, please reach out for support to crisis hotlines or local authorities. Have a safety plan and that can be done with a therapist too. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio, executive produced by Nick Stumpf, produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert. Do you want a shortcut to the best version of you? Here it is. Feed the good wolf. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. Every week, I talk to brilliant minds and brave souls

about the art of small, powerful choices. Our listeners say it all. This is a lifeline. Transformational. The best antidote to a bad mood I've ever heard. Join the pack and start feeding your best self. Listen to The one you feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it.

For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor,

what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity,

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