Dear Chelsea - Fueled by Anger with Billy Eichner

Episode Date: August 10, 2023

Billy Eichner is in the studio today to talk about the benefits and pitfalls of using anger to fuel your creativity, the loss of his parents as a young man, and exactly which 1980s baseball players made him realize he was gay.    Then: A 50-something finds that he’s no longer as interested in bar-hopping as his husband.  A mom’s concern grows when she discovers her grade-schooler has gone full Mean Girl.  And a Texan with a mullet wonders if it’s okay to fly solo. * Note: This episode was recorded prior to the SAG-AFTRA strike.  * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, everybody. Hello. Hello.

Hi, Chelsea. Hi. Hi. How are you? Oh, you know, all over the shop. I'm all over the shop. Indeed. Chelsea, can I ask you for a piece of advice or really a general question for the hoi polloi? For the hoi po. Chelsea, can I ask you for a piece of advice? Or really, it's a general question. For the hoi polloi? For the hoi polloi, for our dear listeners.

What's the ideal length for a dinner with friends? Well, if it's an obligatory dinner, I would say 90 minutes. Okay. I like to make a dinner two hours when you're with friends and it's not obligatory and you're catching up. I would say two hours, two and a half hours. Okay. And if it goes anything longer than that, you're having a fucking blast. That is true.

Lunch is better if it's obligatory because that can be an hour. Yeah. And no one expects for that to go two and a half hours because people got shit to do. No, no, no. Unless you're in Europe and everyone's shit- which is my kind of like shit so if you're ready for people to leave let's say you had a dinner at your house and you're ready that i don't do that anymore for that reason i but i actually haven't had a house in a long time i mean i've been in that rental house i was in that rental house for two years so i wasn't really into entertaining

there i have had people over for dinner, like for certain, you know, but very casually, not like dinner parties. When I had my old house, I would have dinner parties a lot. So I hope that when I move into my new house, I will continue to do the same thing. I'm sure I will. Right. Because then I'll have- You'll have your own place to bring people in. I don't like showing off a rental house. You know what I mean? Right, right. Not that I have people over to show off my house, but it feels more like it's representative of who you are. Totally. Yeah. So like my rental house feels like I'm in an apartment that I don't know about,

like that I don't know my way around. Yeah. And I know that when we were in Mallorca with you, when you were ready for the party to be over or you were done with the dinner, you would just go to bed. Yeah. Yeah. That's my move. I just go to sleep. And I don't mind if people hang out without me, you know, like at my house. Oh, see, that's great. Yeah. So, so when I'm done, I mean, I do go to bed early, you know, I'm typically like, even in Mallorca, like early is like 11 o'clock or 10 o'clock. But yeah, I don't stay up late. That's just not my thing. We've had a couple of times recently where we've had people over and I'm like, OK, there's like the few stragglers. And I'm like, what is the thing that you say to be like, it's time to leave?

You just have to say, I'm wrapping it up. You guys are welcome to stay, but I've got to get into bed. Oh, I love that. And then they can decide if they want to hang out while you're in bed in your own house. Yeah. You know, which to me, actually, I love having people around, but it's like I can't be beholden to the situation for too long. Yeah.

Yeah, I know what you mean. You kind of got to get rid of people sometimes. Yeah. Well, we have a very exciting guest today. Oh, yeah, a very, very funny little birdie in a tree. His name, you might recognize him from, how many things would you recognize? He's an actor, a writer, producer, Billy Eichner. Well, I'm happy to see you.

Thank you, likewise. Did we ever meet? We've met. Not in person, I don't think. That can't be possible. I know, but I don't think we did ever. Maybe, no, wait. I think we maybe did at March for Our Lives in D.C.

Okay. Were you there? Sounds about right. Yeah, I think I met did at March for Our Lives in D.C. Okay. Were you there? Sounds about right. Yeah, I think I met you very briefly. Charlize was there. Yes, yes, yes. A group of us went. We were like in a big group.

Paul Rudd was there. That's when Marches first started happening again. Right, now we're desensitized to them. We're like, oh, another March. I know. This world is so sick that we're living in, isn't it? It is. I'm like, the more depressing it becomes, the more optimistic I become because I have to, I can't go down that road again from like, when I talk about that, I mean, when Trump

was president, but all the dissension, the divisiveness, the hate, the meanness, the discrimination, like I can't even look at it for too long. And I've understood now how important it is to remain optimistic and invoke hope in other people. Even if it's faking it, I want other people to feel better after they see me. Yeah. No, you're right. I mean, God, who knew it marched for our lives? Like how much worse it would get? How much marching we were going to have to do. About everything? Yeah. Nothing is really a wake up call. That's the problem. Because everything is so ephemeral. And I think that is a direct result of, well, I would say the Kardashians, but I would say more social media, right? I was just going to say it's social media. Nothing seems important because no one cares about anything because there's such an influx of information that who do you, what are you supposed to care about?

A hundred percent. On a happier and lighter note, Billy Eichner, I want to talk to you. First of all, congratulations on the first major gay movie production. Thank you. I wanted to specifically talk to you about a scene in the movie where you talk about confidence because Catherine agreed that that was a very poignant part of the movie. And I want to talk to you about confidence because the conversation talks about whether you're faking it or whether you have it. And I find those two things to blend together

pretty quickly, right? Yeah. You know, it is essentially fake it till you make it. And anyone in show business understands that, I think. I mean, you have to in order to keep going. But I'm talking about how confidence is a choice like any other. And it really is. You have to wake up and decide to be confident. It's not like you're born with it. You know, it's not a trait that you're born with. It's not Maybelline, you guys. It's much more serious than that. But I do think it's an interesting topic because there's arrogance, right? Which is different than confidence. Arrogance. I've been very guilty of arrogance in my life. And I've also had a lot of confidence too. And some people say, oh, you know, those two things can get muddy as well. And I think from

an early age, you kind of decide what kind of person you are naturally. And as you get older, you're kind of always, if you're looking within, you're trying to chip away or add and make that person the potential of who you can be, right? Absolutely. The best potential of who you can be. Yeah. So tell me about your kind of experience with that. Do you go to therapy? Do you have a therapist? I do, although only I started therapy about a year and a half ago

for the first time ever in my life. And I was always very pro-therap therapy. I lost both of my parents, but just even then never felt the need to go to therapy until about a year and a half ago. And I'm glad that I did. It's great. How did you decide that you needed to go to therapy? What was happening in your life that you decided? If you want to know the truth, it was we had just wrapped shooting. It was challenging. It was really hard. And sometimes it would really stress me out. And my anxiety about it was, I think, looking back, irrational sometimes. But I just put so much pressure on myself and I wanted it to be so many things and that movie had very specific challenges you know like stay honest for the gay people and for yourself but make it clear for straight people and you know not alienating and

I lost sleep at night worrying about studio notes and things like that. So I got through the writing process. We shot the movie. Shooting the movie was wonderful. And the cast was incredible. And the whole cast was openly LGBTQ, which never happens. And so the set felt very special. We got to shoot it in New York. That was magical. But when we wrapped the movie, I was really worried about the post-production process and about editing the movie because I thought, OK, well, I was a co-writer, so I had some control over the script and I'm acting in the movie. I'm starring in the movie and I've been on many sets and I've acted in many things. So the shooting of the movie I felt good about. But the editing process, I thought, I don't have power here technically. I'm not the director. I'm not an editor. I'm an EP, but EP is kind of a bullshit thing. And I thought, oh God, I'm going to lose control of the movie over the quality of the

movie, which actually didn't happen at all. And so many things that I, it was interesting, so many things that I worried about ended up being things I did not need to worry about. And things I never really thought about ended up being things maybe I should have thought about more. But I got a therapist because I was so worried about the post-production, which is really where the movie comes together. The movie can live and die in the editing room. And I was so stressed about that, that I thought I am going to get a therapist at the beginning of this process to help me navigate all of this. Because there were times where I would get into my car after a meeting or something, and I would like get into a fetal position. I was like, so stressed. And that's why I got a therapist, honestly, was to guide me

through that process. And I'm really glad I did. And within your therapy, did the death of your parents, obviously that's something, a topic that you have to discuss in therapy, right? How old were you? Can I ask you how old you were? Sure. I was young when my mom died. I was 20 years old when my mom died. I was in college and it happened out of nowhere. She had a heart attack and died, which is, you know, people have parents die at a younger age. It's very different to have a parent die when you're five than to have a parent die when you're 20. I had my mom through my formative childhood years and teenage years, and she was fantastic. But 20 is still young. And then my dad, my dad was older than my mom, had me later in life. So he died about 11, 12 years ago. He was

80. You know, he wasn't young, but also was somewhat unexpected. He was pretty healthy for an 80-year-old and all of a sudden was diagnosed with leukemia. The doctor said he has two to nine months to live and less than three months later he was gone. So. But, you know, strangely enough, I haven't really talked about that in therapy much. Really? Yeah. He's my therapist.

Isn't very. He's in like one of these like let's deal with your childhood types of guys. It's more practical like the day to day, you know, for better or worse. I don't know. Yeah. No, I think I think all of that stuff, you know, I think. Well, when it happens when you're 20, I think you're still a baby. You know, that trauma when someone's snatched away from you in your life, it is definitely traumatic. But yeah, there are all sorts of different types of therapies from what I gleaned from therapy, which was a lot. If you don't deal with your trauma, it will deal with you at a certain point. And it'll deal with you in situations like you're talking about, like where we get in our heads and we're totally stressed out because our trauma does work for us for a while because that's your motivation. Like you almost have more gas because you've been so hurt or you've felt such loss that you're even more motivated. Right? leaned into anger as a comedic tool, obviously. I did in my early live stage shows in New York. So that persona, I realized kind of early on, not as an actor per se, but as a comedian, once I had to generate my own material, people really loved it. The angrier I got,

the more the audience loved it. And I thought, oh, that's interesting because it's really not how I am in real life. I know people always kind of don't believe that. And I thought, oh, that's interesting because it's really not how I am in real life. I know people always kind of don't believe that. But if you know me, the whole angry thing, it's very divorced from who I am in real life. And yet I can really turn it on. I'm good at it from a performance standpoint. And people really liked when I did it. And then behind the scenes, anger, the rejection

and all of that, you know, the, oh, I'm openly gay. I was always openly gay at a time in comedy, you know, 20 plus years ago when there weren't many of us. Only Tig. It was only Tig. I mean, literally there were a few, you know, Guy Branum was around, but I didn't know him. I knew Guy. I knew Guy. He worked with me. Yeah, of course. And so, but at the time I was looking around, you know, and I was, I just didn't have many

gay peers in comedy. Now there are so many. I'm so like envious of these younger kids in comedy because so many of them are gay, queer, non-binary, and they have each other to lean on and to work with. I didn't really have that. And yet that became a motivating force. Like I remember I had a manager in New York, a straight woman, actually, who told me that she was going to invite a bunch of agents to see me and asked me if I could make the show less gay that month. Right. Just flat out asked me that this was at a time. This is 2006. So you could still ask that question, I guess, and not fear, you know, that someone was going to tweet about it and destroy your career. And she was asking me that because she wanted the best for me. And she thought that was in my best interest. And I, I did this show that month, the agents came and they signed me and it was, you

know, worked out. And she said to me, you know, I have to ask. The agents loved it, but I think you made the show gayer this month than it's ever been. Why did you do that when I asked you to do the opposite? And I was like, I don't know. I mean, I didn't sit down and say I am going to rebel against what you told me, but I think subconsciously maybe I did. Totally. I always had that in me. It was like I was that gay kid who like I loved Madonna growing up and like she was so rebellious and like I had that in me. And I also think because my parents were so supportive as a kid, they were so supportive and overprotective.

I had a lot of unconditional love as a kid, even as a gay kid. I was really lucky. At what age did you know that you were gay? I mean, I don't remember the exact moment I thought, oh, I'm gay. Did your parents tell you you were gay? Basically, they knew.

I was like, you know, when you took me to the, you know, Barbra Streisand concert, I think that you knew. And you stayed when it was over. Exactly. The first guy I remember having a crush on was, this is funny, Keith Hernandez of the 1986 Mets.

Oh, my God, that was the year of the World Series. Yes, and they won. Oh, my God. And I grew up in Queens where the Mets played. I was in love with Gary Carter. I was obsessed with Gary Carter. It was an amazing team. Lenny Dykstra and all the Mookie Wilson.

All the guys who became cokeheads. Exactly. Daryl Strawberry, Mookie Wilson. That's right. Yes. They became awful people. I remember seeing this, like, it was before Cribs, but whenever they showcased someone's house and they were showcasing Daryl Strawberry's apartment in New York City and he had white

leather sofas everywhere and the whole house was decorated in a way. And even at that age, I was like, this guy is doing cocaine. Like I could tell by his furniture that he was fucking doing cocaine. Oh, absolutely. And so, and I remember a few years ago. So my first crush was Keith Hernandez. This was 1986. I was eight years old.

And I remember, and I, at the time I wouldn't have said like, oh, I have a crush on him. But I remember just being very drawn to him like there was an attraction and I got so bummed because then a few years ago I saw a photo of him and his wife walking into Mar-a-Lago of course you know it was such a bummer but yeah him and Jon Bon Jovi I really loved Jon Bon Jovi as a kid. Yeah. Well, that's hard not to do. Yeah. He was great looking. And so, yeah. And so, yeah, I was always like a little rebellious. And I think I needed that. That anger was a motivating factor. It's a driving factor for sure. Because I never knew what people said when like it works until it will work for you until it doesn't. I never

understood that phrase until I experienced it myself because my anger, my personality was a huge driving force, gave me a lot of success. And then all of a sudden it was a big dark shadow on me. You know, all of a sudden I felt like, wait, I have it. And it was because I had unrealized, you know, grief, trauma. My brother died when I was a little girl. So it was all that stuff. And it's amazing how far it can take you. It's just really is like lightning in a bottle. When somebody's angry and wants to get away from their feelings, they will become successful. It's true.

But you have to be careful because it can end up defining you, too, in a way that you're not comfortable with. Well, that's, yeah. And especially if you don't make the pivot or you don't look in, you know, because it isn't the most pleasant work all the time. Anyway, we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. I'm Jason Alexander.

And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all's baffling questions like... Why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut

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Really, No Really and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Perfect. Okay, so we give advice to real live callers on this back. Perfect.

Okay, so we give advice to real-life callers on this podcast. Yes. So we have people call, hopefully curated towards Billy and his gayness. Oh, boy. Our first question comes from Trev. Trev says, Dear Chelsea, First time, long time. I'm a gay man in my early 50s, and I'm married to a man who is five years my junior. The age difference doesn't really come into play often, but I'm dealing with one area of our lives that I'm married to a man who is five years my junior. The age difference doesn't really

come into play often, but I'm dealing with one area of our lives that I'm starting to grow out of and he isn't, and that is alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a teetotaler. I have had plenty of wild years in my life. You name it. I drank it, snorted it, put it on my tongue, fucked it, and lived to tell the tale. I don't judge and I believe the body and mind are fun toys and you should experience all the things they can do while you're alive. But as I'm getting older, I find myself moving away from wanting all of that, partially because I don't have the energy or patience to deal with hangovers anymore, and partially because, let's face it, a sloppy, drunk 50-something man ain't cute. Amen, sister. Amen.

Meanwhile, my spouse still loves to get trashed with buddies on the weekends. I used to go along with it and try to enjoy the Raiders with him, but over the past year or two, I realized I honestly don't enjoy getting drunk. I don't feel the need to chase that buzz anymore. My husband isn't at that point yet. Getting drunk is still kind of a hobby for him. It's how he socializes with people. I don't think he has any kind of serious problem and he's responsible about it. Generally, he's only a weekend day drinker and his drinking has never compromised his job or our household. But when he throws down, he really throws down. He knows I'm trying to bow out of the heavy drinking

lifestyle, but he does provide a little pressure with like, you haven't gone to the bar with me in a long time and our friends are starting to ask about you. I certainly don't want to give up drinking altogether. I will always like a glass of wine or a good craft cocktail, but I feel like my mind and body are both aging out of wanting to drink just to get drunk. I'm really excited about the thought of hanging out with friends without having to get shit-faced. After writing all this, I need a stiff drink of kombucha. Thanks, Trev. I was going to say, is he still on Adderall?

Because that's a very long letter. And this is the trimmed down version. Yes, this is the trimmed version. I think we got it. Yeah, you don't want to drink as much as your boyfriend. We got it. Some of these are very long-winded lately. Indeed, indeed.

I'll go first. I think that if you're not into drinking, that's great. And if your partner is responsible and doing all the right things, but just gets shit-faced and sloppy once a week, then I think you can tolerate that and let him do his thing. He's going to outgrow alcohol too, probably. It happens with age. You're not as interested in getting shit-faced when you're older. I mean, most of the time, I think with most people, I'm trying to think of some old shit-faced drunks that I know. But I'm like, wait, I do actually know a couple old drunks.

Of course I do. But yeah, I would say let him do his thing. Nobody wants to be policed or told what to do within a relationship. And if you don't want to go to the bar with him, you could just totally be honest with him and say, like, I'm not into that right now. And don't frame it as forever. Frame it as right now. Like, I'm just not interested in that right now. I'm not interested in getting sloppy drunk. And, you know, who knows? Maybe he'll be like, oh, you know, once it's out

there and, you know, without judgment on him, you do your thing, let him do his thing. And as long as it's not interrupting your lifestyle, then there's really nothing for you to do except tolerate it and go do something else on a Saturday night, whatever you want to do. Yeah, I agree. I think not framing it as forever is really good advice. It can be tough in the gay world. I know it's obviously alcoholism exists everywhere, but there's a lot of like social anxiety when gay men get together. You know, it's very sexually charged, even if you're in a long-term couple,

you know, because that can be its own pressure. And you see a lot of drug and alcohol abuse in the gay world. You do. I have a lot of sober friends and they're sober because for a long time they were very much not sober. Is that how it works? Have you ever heard of that? Well, you know, gay guys party hard sometimes. Not all. I don't want to make generalizations. And I would imagine that, yeah, there can be pressure to sort of keep doing that, especially if, you know, your other half is still doing it. But I think as long as you communicate the fact that you have no problem with him having a good time and that you just are kind of, you know, shifting your behavior a little bit, it shouldn't be an issue. Yeah, I think that's a simple one.

I think we've I think we we're not going to talk as long as it took him to write that letter. Do you think he should still like go out, have a couple of mocktails and then be like, see, you guys have fun getting shit faced like I'm going to go see a movie? Or is it sort of like stay home in your jammies? Yeah, Yeah, totally. Like that's nice. That's a great suggestion. But go before everybody gets sloppy. The sloppy part, like I couldn't agree with you more. Nobody wants to be around a sloppy drunk. So, I mean, that might be a motivation for his partner to like not get so sloppy, you know, knowing how he feels or knowing that he's not going to be part of the equation.

It becomes a little bit lonely. Yeah. Well, our first caller today is Amber. Amber says, Dear Chelsea, I'm writing to you as a longstanding good girl with codependent tendencies who's working hard to overcome my people pleasing ways, all while raising a little badass eight year old girl who has a strong ability to set boundaries, say it like it is with no filter, steps toe-to-toe with anyone who challenges her and is leading the rest of the second grade girls into her sassy ways. Problem is, I'm now discovering that she's not always using her power for good. She's the leader of the mean girls in second grade. Wow. I'm a long, I know, I'm a long-standing fan and admirer of women like my daughter,

women like you, who are comfortable in their skin and don't seem to give a shit what others think, free to set boundaries and live a life out loud. I love it, I admire it, and I'm working hard to be more like women like you and my daughter. Question is, how do I raise my little badass to be powerful and kind? I don't want her to be the asshole of everyone's childhood, but seriously don't want to stunt her strength and power. What would you have wanted? Thanks for the laughs and inspiration, Amber. And she's joining us here. Hi, Amber. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? Hi, Billy Eichner's here as our special guest. Hi, Amber. Hi, Billy. So nice to meet you. Likewise. That's so annoying. I mean, I know what you mean, but I don't think,

listen, I don't think having a conversation about kindness is going to put out her flame for life. Kindness is part of being powerful. And I wish I had learned that lesson at a very early age. Was she bullied? You know, that's interesting that you should ask that. She did deal with a bully a couple of years ago. And I think that what's happening is she's learned she is powerful. And so she's willing to step toe to toe. So she's also perceiving aggression when sometimes there isn't aggression. I also think it goes a little bit deeper. And one of the reasons she's got some things going on in her world too, that are upsetting her. And I think that she's trying to control things that

she thinks she can control. And she's doing it because she's leading all the girls in school to be mean girls. But her brother, she's really close to him. He's 10 years older than her. He is leaving on a Mormon mission and he'll be gone for two years and she's preparing for abandonment. And so she's got all these uncontrollables that are happening in her world right now. And so now I feel like she's punching back at the world when she's at school and controlling all the other girls and getting into, you know, mean girl scenarios. Right. And so have you had an open conversation with her about all of this? That's a good analysis of the situation.

Lots of conversations. But what I'm also starting to see is kind of she's starting to lose a little bit of a spark in her eyes. She's like, I'm tired of talking about being nice, mom. I get it. But I mean, we're in the principal's office. But it's not about being nice. I think maybe you should change the word to kind because nice doesn't mean anything anyway.

Who gives a shit if somebody's nice? I hate when people say, oh, she was so nice. Who cares? That's not memorable. It also feels deeply uncool, you know, to a child. Yes, it feels deeply uncool. But like, I think what would be a good conversation to have and tell me if I'm repeating something you've already said is using all that power she has and that personality for good rather than bad, you know, using that to she look at look at the power she has. She's a leader. She's got all these girls behind her and she's setting the tone for how everybody's going to be treated. Wouldn't she want to be the good witch instead of the bad witch? She did tell me just yesterday. She said, I feel like I have an anger. I feel like

I'm mad inside and I need to get it out. Wow. And I know she's got a friend that's in therapy, so she's actually been talking about that. But I don't know at what point we figure that out. No, I think you listen, you have a responsibility to the other little kids at that school to get her help, because that's not fair. Bullies ruin people's lives. There are things that happen as a child that are cemented in your brain that are traumatizing when you are attacked by another kid at school, whether it's verbally, emotionally, physically, whatever. But you have a responsibility to everybody else to make sure you get her on the straight and narrow. And yes, you absolutely must bring her to therapy right away because you don't want her growing up and being like that. You know what I mean? How old is she again? 11? Eight. Eight. Oh, wow. Is she on social

media yet? No. Good. Good. Keep her off of that. That'll only make it worse. So go to therapy now. Yeah, you have to, you have to have, I think you've got to switch your, your approach as well, because obviously what you're saying is falling on deaf ears, which is a natural thing to happen between a parent and a child. But I think you should also switch your terminology and talk about kindness and spreading joy and spreading love and not in a way that she's going to be like, it's so stupid. It's like, use examples of people that are doing that, you know, on a grand scale. Think of people that she looks up to that would never tolerate her, that behavior. You know, who does she admire? Taylor Swift? Is

she into Miley Cyrus? What's she into? I don't think she's exposed to them as much. I have a good friend, Diana, who she really admires that I could really lean into. And Diana is all love and all kindness and all joy. So that's a really good point of thinking of mentors that she has in her life that she does admire that are kind. Yeah. When I was really irresponsible at a point in my life, I was just, I didn't give a shit about my family. I was rebelling, rebelling, rebelling. My sister, my oldest sister,

who's the person in my family I respect the most, she sat me down and said to me, like, you're going down the wrong road. This is your opportunity right now. And this is your last chance. You either stay with the family or we're not going to put up with this anymore. I was like 17, 18 years old, but I was bad. And that changed my life because I respected her the most. She had never said anything. She just showed me unconditional love, unconditional love. And that didn't deter me. That didn't change my course because she was

just showing me so much love. And until she threatened to turn that love off even though that would be impossible I believed it and I got scared so I think you have to find the person that you're talking about you have to get her into therapy that's not a question and you have to have different conversations around the subject matter because your approach isn't working and she's not listening to you in that way it has to be spoken spoken to her. I would enlist your friend, try and do it that way. But also, you know, read some books about children and their anger and how to exhaust it, you know, so she's not taking it out on other people. And there are a lot of movies about bullying, you know, I mean, Mean Girls is a great one, but she probably might see that at this point

and think, I like that. I want to be one of those girls. And you want her to actually see the light. Were you bullied? Not significantly, which is surprising considering I was pretty obviously gay. But I think, you know, I grew up in New York City and I think that helped the cause. Yeah. You know, I was bullied a little bit, but not extensively. I was very lucky in that way. So I think, listen, anyone who's a bully was bullied. That's what happens. I was bullied.

I became a bully. But you have to dismantle that and have somebody who's a professional deal with it. Because, you know, you're coming up empty handed and she's eight years old. And this is really the time between eight and 11 that you want to get girls in their heads to be kind. Agreed. Yeah. And just as a couple of ways to help sort of exhaust that anger and let her have an outlet for that anger. This might be a one or two time thing, but I know when my niece and nephew had a loss in their family, my nephew had so much pent up anger. And he said to my sister one day, he's like, I just feel like I want to break something. And so she went out to the thrift store and bought

a whole bunch of plates. And we all put on our safety glasses and we grabbed these plates and we like threw them down on the ground and just broke plates. And it was so such a relief to sort of express that anger. But maybe there are other things that are more long-term. I mean, eight is probably young for a girl to start boxing, but some other physical activity that will allow her to sort of get some of that aggression out of her body rather than sort of trapping it inside where it comes out in these nasty ways, in addition, of course, to a therapist. And I say it's an emergent situation because eight years old, you shouldn't even know how to be that mean yet. You know what I mean?

An eight-year-old throwing plates scares me. Well, she has her safety goggles on. Don't forget about that part. I don't know. Where did she get the safety goggles? At the thrift store, too? Because who has safety goggles lying around, you carpenter? But yes, please get enlist other people to help you, you know,

and get on it right away. And I know you are, and I know you're trying to figure it out because it's embarrassing to have a kid that's acting like that. I'm sure you're dealing with all these other parents and. A hundred percent. And her father and I are both kind of at a loss, like, oh my gosh, what's happening? We are having all these conversations and candidly, we just found out about the level of what's happening. We thought it was just drama, just girl drama. And we found out on Saturday that she's actually the ringleader of Mean Girls. And so I appreciate your rapid response.

48 hours later, I'm getting great, great advice from you. And also talk to the teachers at the school and the counselors at the school and come up with a plan that you guys are all coordinated on. You know what I mean? Because there has to be repercussions for her bad behavior and there has to be a form of punishment and that you're working with the teachers and that there are eyes everywhere will have an impact on an eight-year-old. As soon as she starts paying the price for her behavior and realizes popularity isn't, she's not going to want to stay after school. She's not going to want to get punished when she comes home. So have you exercised any of those options yet? I am following up and saying,

no, I want her one-on-one with the school counselor to discuss this specifically. They do friendship circles that I've requested before the end of the school year because I'm really worried about one girl in particular that's been targeted. Yeah, well, get on it and spend your summer working on her, you know, and spend as much time as you can with her. Because a lot of that probably comes from, you know, I think girls can easily, not easily, but girls and their moms, there's just a huge healing effect that being around your mom has. I mean, even little boys, especially at that age, you know, just spend as much one-on-one time with her as you can and be as communicative as you can and engage as much as you can with therapists and help. And, you know, hopefully over the summer,

you can make some major improvements. Yeah. Was that helpful to you at all? Yeah, it really is. Well, I think really supporting that idea of like, we got to get into therapy sooner than later because, you know, I'm doing all the things, saying things, I'm highly communicative, but I need backup. I need that village. I need to start building a village around her

because her father and I can't do it on our own. We need backup. Yeah, yeah. And that's okay. And also being communicative with the other parents that you're working on it, you know, so that you can allay some of their fears because it's so scary for other parents to have to deal with that. I was just in a doctor's appointment yesterday and he was talking about this poor girl. She's 11 and she got kicked out of her friend group and now she's in a new friend group and the old friend group is making the new friend group dump her, too. Oh, God. And I was just like, oh, my God, it makes my vagina shut tight. Like the idea of

children going through this is just heartbreaking, you know, on both ends. It is. Absolutely. I'm also concerned about the Mormon mission, just for the record. All right, but we'll get to that next time. I am 100% too. Okay, good. We'll talk about that later. Are you not Mormon? No. Why is he going on a Mormon mission if you're not Mormon? Oh, my God. I was trying to be respectful. I could feel Chelsea trying to be polite.

I'm healing. It's post-Mormon healing for me, my friends. My sisters are recovering Mormon. Your kids have a lot going on. They called him to New Zealand, which is a really cool place. So I was like, I was hoping he'd back out, but no luck so far. How did he find Mormonism without you guys? Well, I grew up Mormon and left the church, gosh, 12 years ago or something, but his father's still active.

And so he, through COVID, went up to Canada and is in Canada now and went to high school there. And it's a very predominantly Mormon community. And that's where he found community and belonging was in the church and with his friends that are members. And so he's fully indoctrinated and it is, like I said, it's another issue, all writing. Yeah. All right. Yeah, well, I guess we'll talk to you next week. Send him to a therapist, too, while you're at it. Yeah. And me.

All three of us. We all need it. Yeah, you definitely. That's healthy. It sounds like you do need a therapist. I don't. All right. Well, it was nice to speak with you.

Thanks for calling in. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Amber. Bye-bye. Yeah. What about an eight-year-old bully? What about that? How did she even learn to be mean?

Someone did it to her. That's how. Right. But I like your idea about movies and fill her summer reading list with all Judy Blume books, bully books, all this stuff. Because when you see how awful it is, you don't want to be that. My one girlfriend, her kid's 11. She's like, being called a bully is the worst thing you can

get called at this school. I told my friend the other day, she was harassing me about something. And I was like, you're being a bully. And she goes, don't ever say that. I was like, oh, sorry. That hit a little too close to home, I guess. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal?

The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman

reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight

about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really?

That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Well, our next caller is Alan. Alan says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a gay male in my 30s and have found myself in a bit of a strange, disorienting space when it comes to relationships, including friends, I guess. I had my share of fun times and entry-level relationships in college and through most of my 20s when I found my first real relationship that brought me into my 30s. After a brief break, I was blindsided with an unforeseen relationship break in the first year of COVID. It ended with him cheating on me probably 60% of the time while I was recovering from a physical accident. It was my first time being cheated on. I've always been self-sufficient and as I get older, I don't seem to have much of a sexual drive for just hookups,

less I decided to take time for just me again. Now I'm in a spot where I've been putting my dating feelers out again, but most of the guys I find turn out to be boring or way too simple. I've followed you for a long time and I've always thought I'd also have a similar trail of being an independent single boss, but I can't shake this craving. I'd hook up more, but men are so predictable and boring, lackluster, sex, and lame. What do you think is my relationship block? Have you had times like this before in your life? Love you, Alan, a gay in a gay city. Hi, Alan. Hi, Alan. Hey. Oh, my gosh. Hi, Alan. We have Billy here today. Billy Eichner for you.

Of course it would be Billy. Special treat. Are those headphones on your ears, or is that a mullet that's coming down behind your neck? Oh, no. This is mullet baby. Oh, yeah. I like that. I like that.

There we go. This is my summer cut. That's cute. Okay. So, well, your attitude is what's in the way, but that's okay because you're not, I mean, you sound just slightly depressed. Do you feel depressed? No, not in any way. Okay. I kind of feel like a ghost. A ghost? Yeah. Like not really a hermit, but I'm just kind of there. I'm just going out, doing my thing, putting myself out there. But I'm just really not interested in a lot of other people. I'm kind of just like so consumed and like becoming

more of a better person. Oh, well, then that's the opposite of depressed. Yeah, I think that's good, actually. It is good. I mean, that's great. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. I think there are periods of time. Listen, I have no desire to have sex with fucking anybody. And that's how I've felt for the last six months, probably. Just none. Like, I have to make myself go and look for sex. Yeah. And, like, set things up so that I can get sex because I don't want to forget.

But I think that's a normal thing for people to go through, especially when you're doing some self-reflection and, like, inner work. I don't think that there's anything wrong with that. I think that society and culture, especially gay culture, sometimes makes you feel like you're supposed to always be on the hunt for like sex or a boyfriend or a relationship or something. Right. And we don't really talk about the periods of your life where you just sort of take for yourself you know that's not as sexy to talk about when you have those like introspective periods especially in the gay world where again especially on social media everyone's like naked and they're here and you know they're on vacation and they're with these guys and those guys and

i don't know i think we need to value just as much the times that were, again, being more introspective and self-reflective. There's a season for sowing and there's a season for reaping. Like you're not always on the, it's not always incoming. Sometimes it's outgoing and sometimes it's just you and self-reflection. Like that's very cyclical in all of our lives. So you're not alone. Yeah. And I live in Austin, Texas, which is one of the gayest cities. Yeah. And so I'm surrounded by very much that, where everything is so sexually driven and like, I want an open relationship.

I want as many partners. I just need the sex, you know? And I'm just not for that at this age. And you really desire what your long-term plan is to be in a committed relationship? Yeah, ultimately. And really from my early twenties until now, I've been in a relationship. So I got my kind of hookup phase out of the way, established a really strong relationship that was really great. And I thought it was going to go somewhere, but we were on different pages and then was taking a break and immediately got sideswiped by a relationship during COVID. And so we were kind of

stuck together necessarily. So since we broke up, I've been taking a lot more time for myself and I really built myself up in a lot of different aspects in my life. And now I'm putting the feelers back out there and it's just, I don't know, I don't have any desire or nothing seems appetizing, for lack of a better word. Well, I think oftentimes nothing is appetizing. It can be a grind. It can feel like a chore, like another thing on your to-do list, like go on dates. And that takes the fun out of it and the spontaneity out of it. Yeah, it's almost like another job. It is another job.

And then a relationship itself is another job, you know, and you have to be prepared for that and wanting that. I think it's perfectly fine and actually a good thing to be in a phase where you're not aggressively wanting that, actually. Yeah, I think you should embrace the moment I should embrace like the moment that you're in and actually treasure it because you may not be single for very long and you're certainly not going to be single forever. There are going to be people that come in and out of your life. So you want to really treasure this time alone with yourself. Like I have the best time with

myself and I don't feel guilty about that at all. Yeah, me neither. But when I get on, you know, dates or dating apps and they're like, what do you, I've been asked, like, do you have any friends? And I'm like, of course I do. I just like myself. Like, is there a problem with that? And why do people ask you if you have any friends? Because they're like, what do you do? Oh, I do a lot of things that involve myself.

You know, I don't mind going out to eat by myself. I don't mind going to the library or a bar to read a book by myself. I like me. Yeah, well, that's those are all healthy. Those are good things. I don't understand what the problem is. I mean, you're just not attracted to people right now. And that's okay. That's okay. You have to give yourself permission to be in that phase without judging yourself for not being interested in sex, because that's what you're doing. You're kind of playing a game with yourself and a trick on yourself. Because you're like looking at society and what everyone's expecting of you and thinking you have to deliver to them. And really, you only have to deliver to yourself.

So enjoy this time. Don't judge yourself. Be like, this is what I'm going to do. Do you know how fucking healthy it is to be able to read a book by yourself? More people should be able to do that. How few people can do that in this world like that's awesome and you're just think of this time as preparing for the person that you're going to end up with like you're doing the inner work and the self-work and spending time alone to prepare for your long-term relationship I think being an

extrovert is the counterpart of that I don't need a relationship to make me feel fulfilled but i recharge my battery with relationships and being around people so i think that's what's getting me stuck where i'm like i'm good with this but i also want to recharge my batteries in a different way do you have like a circle of friends that you hang with most of my people have moved out of town oh so i really don't have anybody left that might be the bigger issue because i'm a very social person i rarely feel a need to go on a ton of dates or be in a relationship but i couldn't exist without my friends around me. I really rely on them, you know?

So that might be the bigger issue, you know? Like, where are you fulfilling that need to be social? Not to date someone or even go on a date or have sex, but to just interact with friends is really important. Yeah, most of my friendships right now are on the phone because they're all the way. That's good. You should keep those going. Make sure you're having phone calls now are on the phone because they're all that's good. You should keep those going. Make sure you're having phone calls and FaceTimes or whatever you're into on a consistent basis. But you can go make friends in Austin. That's not going to be hard. And it's important. I think Billy's exactly right. Like you're looking to fill a void and

you're not really sure what that void is. And I think, yeah, you should work a little bit on making friendships rather than dating yeah that's a good point what do you like to do do you do stuff outdoors hike do you are you into exercise are you into like chess what's your story yes so that's the other thing I'm a very straight acting male I come across very masculine in my realm. I like to BMX. I like the outdoors. I like to camp, swim. And the guys I've gone on dates with are like, I've never been camping before.

I've never gone. I don't like swimming or I don't like hiking. I'm like, what do you do? Just sit inside, go to the bar. Like that's basic to me. There are gay guys out there that like camping. I know many gay people who swim, who have the ability to swim. Billy knows a ton of gay swimmers.

Yes. Any swim team is full of closeted gay men. How old are you? 35. Yeah, it can be hard to meet friends. That can actually be harder. I mean, for boyfriends and dating, well, there's an app. There's like a million apps, right?

But just to meet friends, which I see a lot of people suffering from at all different stages of their lives, straight and gay and everyone, you know, it can be hard to meet friends. I know guys who, when they move to a new city, gay guys, they'll join a team. You know, they'll be like a gay dodgeball team or a gay softball team or whatever it is. Or gay campers. Gay campers. I'm sure all of those things exist, actually. And so, I don't know, maybe that's a... I think that you should join something, you know, go online, do a little research, either whether it's camping, swimming, hiking, whatever your outdoor stuff is that you've mentioned, and that's out of your comfort zone. So that's like a good step, like a proactive step towards addressing the issue. And that kind of, I think you're feeling a

little bit lonely and do that. Make active steps to just change your life in little small ways. And before you know it, you will develop friendships and you will have a circle there. And you'll probably worry a lot less about this relationship issue once you have some more community yeah now that i hear that i think maybe i'm trying to fill two things instead of focus on one yeah so can you do that can you go and just just go online after this call and just start researching hiking groups camping groups there's one there's something for fucking everybody online definitely yeah or just post on Instagram, I have no friends. Or a book club.

Yeah, that works. Looking for friends. Looking for friends. Chelsea Handler and Billy Eichner told me I need to get some friends. I can do that. Whatever works. Yeah, yeah. But try not to judge yourself within the process.

Just have a good time. You're going to meet some friends. You're going to meet a guy. And just you got to do a little bit of different stuff to get different results. For sure. Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks for calling.

Yeah. Thank you, Chelsea. I love your fucking mullet. Rock that out hard this summer. It looks good. Thank you. Okay. Bye.

Thanks, Alan. Bye. Okay. We're going to take a quick break and we're going to come back to wrap it up with Billy Eichner. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a floor? We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you, and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.

Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all.

Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really, No Really. Yeah, really. No Really. Go to reallynoreally.com.

And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Well, that was all over the place. Yeah. And then you honed in on it. And then we got to the heart of it. Yeah.

Good work. There have been so many articles lately about how loneliness is one of the biggest epidemics that we face. And I think for especially younger people, it's everyone actually, but at least people in our generation and older, we had to communicate with each other in person. We didn't have our phones. And so phones have replaced actual human interaction. And it's kind of tricked people into thinking they don't need it or they're getting it, but they're not. Like that's not real human connection. And especially post-COVID, I think people got stuck in their homes. You know, there is a little less socializing going on in certain places, maybe. It's really important, right, to get out there and meet people, not to date, just for friendship. Yeah. And also just to change it up.

It's always good to challenge yourself. It's always good to do like I would never want to join a book club or a hiking club. But if I were in that situation, I would make myself do that, you know, because it's about doing that. Like you have to stretch a little bit. Billy, thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me. In New York City on this beautiful summer day. Have a great afternoon, everybody.

Bye. Okay, guys, we have added more shows to my Little Big Bitch Tour because I'm coming all over. We had a second show at the Pantages in Los Angeles. So that's October 12th and Friday the 13th. We added a second show in the Pantages in Los Angeles. So that's October 12th and Friday the 13th. We added a second show in Boston at the Wang Center. September 29th and 30th is two shows in New York. I also have a show in East Hampton, New York, August 26th. We added a second show in Portland.

So Thursday, November 2nd. Friday, November 3rd in Portland. November 4th and 5th in San Francisco. Two shows there. We added a second show in Seattle, November 4th and 5th in San Francisco. Two shows there. We added a second show in Seattle, November 10th and 11th. Two shows Boston are November 16th and 17th at the Bach Center, Wang Theater. And I'm also coming to Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and so many other cities, Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville. So I will see everybody at all of these shows. Thank you. Get your tickets at ChelseaHandler.com.

If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you we have the answer go to really know really.com and register to win 500 a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition sign jason bobblehead the really know really podcast follow us on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts