Dear Chelsea - Hitting On People At Funerals

Episode Date: September 2, 2021

Chelsea and Brandon tackle the age-old question: should you try to hook up with your childhood crush at their mother’s funeral? A teacher chooses between working with her best friend or landing a better job. A manager wonders if she should be the corporate bitch her boss wants her to be. And a memoirist asks how much he should reveal about his sister’s bad behavior in their youth. *****The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, everybody. Welcome to Dear Chelsea. Thanks for tuning in and listening. Do you tune in? I don't know what goes on anymore.

I have to say that I had the absolute best time playing the Santa Barbara Bowl. I want to thank everyone who was there. It was such good vibes. I had tons of friends come out and I'm just really excited about my stand-up tour. So I wanted to give you guys some more stand-up dates. If you live in Cincinnati, September 30th, I'm coming to Cincinnati. If you live there, get your tickets. I'm coming to Detroit on October 1st. October 2nd, I'm coming to Indianapolis. That's in Indiana. And then October 3rd, I will be in Grand Rapids, Michigan. So I am coming to perform Taft Theater, Fillmore, Detroit, Detroit, the Marat in Indianapolis, and then Davos Performance Hall in Grand Rapids. And if you don't live in one of those cities,

I'm probably coming to a city near you. I'm coming to Florida. There's a lot of action in Florida. I'm coming to Portland, Maine. I'm coming to Jacksonville, Miami Beach, St. Petersburg, going to Arizona, Reno, all of my places. Anyway, look for tickets at ChelseaHandler.com, Ticketmaster, Live Nation, OnlyFans. So I am coming to you and I hope that

you guys come and see my Vaccinated and Horny Tour because it's so much fun. And I go off. It's OG Chelsea. I am, I'm just so sick of, I've been trying, I've been homeless, everybody, for, for, I'm not homeless. I'm in a rental house, but I might as well be homeless because everything in this rental house has broken so many times. I just can't even believe it's almost like I'm in a practical joke show, like girls behaving badly, a show that I used to be on. I feel like it's pranking me. First, there was an electrical fire. I had to be taken out of the house by the LAPD or no, the LA fire department. The police were not there, thankfully, because they don't like me either. And they had to basically lift me over the gate to the rental house because the gate would not open or close.

So I slept in a hotel for seven days. Then I came back, then the AC broke in the house, then the oven broke, then the air conditioning broke the house, then the oven broke, then air conditioning broke again. And then they pulled something out of the air conditioning unit that looked like something my father would have jury rigged together when he was a car dealer, a used car dealer. It was like duct tape, like a phone wrapped in duct tape with styrofoam stuffed in between the phone and the duct tape in the middle of the air conditioning conduit. And I just looked at it and thought, is this my father haunting me? I am in a rental house that is tantamount to the rental house that my father used to rent on Martha's Vineyard, where he described the basement as a pied-a-tay.

Like I am paying a large amount of money for a house that doesn't work. And the owners seem to think that they're not responsible for any of these inconveniences. So I am just like, you know, and I'm at a point where obviously I'm not going to get involved with these kinds of arguments and stuff because I just can't. It's too silly and it's too much of a waste of your time. But I would like to go on the record and say that I have not cried once. And five years ago before therapy, I would have been a real basket case. But I've slept without air conditioning several nights now. I have fans that I have to turn on.

And I'm thriving, you know, just waiting to get the hell out of there. So if anyone knows of another rental that I could rent in the meantime, please. I'm looking in the greater L.A. area. Maybe it is time for me to move to the Valley. Maybe I just rent in the meantime, please. I'm looking in the greater LA area. Maybe it is time for me to move to the Valley. Maybe I just give in and give up. And additionally, I had a house that I bought, but then I found out that Mulholland Drive owns like part of the land in front of the house that I bought. So I pulled out of that house. As soon as I found out that at any point the city of Los Angeles could decide to widen Mulholland and my lawn would be shortened. I thought that also reminded me of my father.

They have an easement. I thought my father would buy a house with an easement like that where you thought, you know, it's unlikely that that would happen. Maybe it isn't unlikely. It seems unlikely. It seems like it would be hugely expensive to widen Mulholland. But in the event that they did decide to do that, I would just have to let that happen. Totally devalues the property and the privacy. So I have no house again. So I feel like a nomad right now. I feel very like anchor rudderless, you know, without a house. But I also I don't

want to commit to Los Angeles. I have this. I don't know, I'm going through something. Hopefully it's early menopause. And in other exciting news, last week's episode where we talked about Pandemic of Love, my friend who runs Pandemic of Love, you can follow her at Mindful Skater Girl on Instagram. Her name is Shelly Tagilsky, who I will have as a guest when we return for season two for sure.

We had over a thousand listeners call in to become donors at Pandemic of Love. So a thousand of you guys heard that and then decided to go help a stranger in the name of mutual aid. So I just want to say thank you to everybody who did that. And for the people who are struggling right now and receiving mutual aid from strangers and people

who are kind enough to help you, you will be in a position in the future where you will be able to do the same for others. So it's the gift of giving and it continues and it's a beautiful thing. And I can't wait for you guys all to meet Shelly because she's just a great friend. And she's just started this incredible organization. And everyone who hits me up on Instagram that I turn over to her, she has helped pay their bills. They vet everybody to make sure that they are paying the bills directly and they're helping people in their times of need. So this is important. And it's a good reminder about humanity. And not everybody's a fucking asshole. Okay. Okay. Anyway, what do we do now, Brandon? Okay, so this is past and future. So these are questions people have about past issues or upcoming events. So one of them is a question

about a new job, someone who is cautious about releasing his memoir, someone who can't stop thinking about her childhood crush. So we cover a lot of bases today. And our first submission comes from Ashley. We actually have a little voice note from her. She's 29 out of Houston. She's a teacher. So let's play her voice memo. Hi there.

I'm Ashley, a 29-year-old teacher in Houston, and I'm having a hard time deciding if I should stay at the school I'm at or move on, maybe even try a new city. I'd give the school I work out a five out of 10. Leadership is awful. However, my partner teacher is my best friend and I love working with her. The thought of leaving what I know for something different gives me major anxiety and I tend to shut down. There's a part of me that would love to live in a different city and move on, but what if I move and it's a worse situation? Should I just be thankful for the good I have and leave it alone? Thank you. I would say that if you have severe anxiety that you're already worried about, that will be a result of moving into a situation

that you're not going to have a clear idea about for a long time that you might want to just stay where you are. You've got a best friend that you love working with. That's a lot more than a lot of people have. And if she's a teacher, right. And if you are a teacher and there's poor leadership where you're teaching, I would say that they need you even more if you love your job and what you do. If it's a five out of a 10, you know, maybe you and your friend can make that school a six out of a 10 instead of a five out of 10. Like you have so much more influence than you even realize. And so I wouldn't quit on the school because of the leadership. I would use that as a reason to stay at the school because of the poor leadership. What do you think, sweetheart? I agree. I think that if you do want to leave, it's always best to have some sort of game plan

in place. So if there is a catalyst for you moving, like you really just want to live in a new city, I can understand that. If you have things kind of set in place, like, you know, you've mentioned that you have a partner teacher that you love working with, that you are happy outside of the leadership that you're getting at the school, then that should be more reason, as Chelsea said, for you to invest in the school and make the change you want to see. I think if you're having anxiety, like if you need a guarantee that you're going to love the city you're going to move to and that you're going to find a new best friend and you're going to find all these things, if you need that to be guaranteed in order to make the move, then don't make the move.

Like you have to be open to that, maybe not working out. And then maybe you go to a different city. You kind of have to have a different kind of attitude and a different set of anxiety, right? Yeah, totally. So I, yeah, I think you should probably stay. What is her name again? Ashley. Ashley. I think you should stay put Ashley and continue to build your community and build the school that you're in and just be a fucking bad-ass example for all your students and help them be better, too. That's that. I feel like I need a protein shake. I felt like that was a protein shake.

Would you like one of my meat sticks that you love so much? No, sweetheart, please don't open the meat sticks inside the podcast studio. I had to eat it before I came in today. Sweetheart, we have to find a house where we can build, where we can have a a room as a podcast studio because the studio we're working out of is very sterile and it's in the valley. Yeah. You don't love the valley. I don't mind the valley, actually. I have to say this is a very short jaunt and it's very easy to come here. So I don't mind the valley. It's better than going to Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills is the worst. Right. And it's way better than when we had to drive over to Hollywood. Oh, well, yeah.

That was the worst. Hollywood is a bit, it's just a bit dirty. It's very dirty. All of L.A. is getting very dirty, honestly. It's alarming. Okay. We're going to take a break for a quick ad, and we'll be right back. I'm Jason Alexander.

And I'm Peter Tilden and together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer.

And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel

might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason Bobblehead. It's called Really No Really and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app

on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Our next submission comes from, oh, this is an interesting name, Trefom. T-R-E-F-O-M. Trefom. He's on the East Coast. He's a writer, and he says, Dear Chelsea, Life Will Be the Death of Me was so excellent that it moved me to finally write the memoir that I have been rattling around in my brain for many years. The challenge is that it's pretty unflattering to my mother and one in that way. He goes on to say, but in the final analysis, she fucked me over pretty good when we were kids. So should I even care what she thinks about the memoir? P.S. I'm not just some wanker who thinks I can write a memoir. I'm a professional writer with more than 30 years of experience.

And he's on the phone. Hi, Trefum. Trefum? Trefim. Yeah. So Trefim's my pen name. Trefim Markov. It's actually my great grandfather's name. He was a Russian immigrant. Okay. I was going to say that's not a name I've ever heard. But if you've been working with the name, okay, got it. Russian. Okay. That's why I haven't heard it. So why doesn't your sister talk to you? Chelsea, I wish I knew. I really wish I knew. So about seven or so years ago, she just kind of turned me off, didn't respond to emails, texts, phone calls. I wanted to reach out. I mean, I tried to several times over the course of the first, I don't know, like two or three years. And I never got a response. So eventually, you know, I started feeling like a chump.

And I thought, I'm done with this. If she doesn't want me in her life, I'm got a response. So eventually, you know, I just started feeling like a chump. And I thought, I'm done with this. If she doesn't want me in her life, I'm done with this. But is there anything that could have happened that you think might be the reason why she's not speaking to you? I mean, I guess. There's no single incident, I think, that stands out in my mind. She's always been very jealous of the fact that I have a good relationship with my in-laws and things are, you know, oftentimes strained with my own family of origin, you know, mostly her and my mother,

but a particular incident, I don't know. And this goes back to October, 2014 was the last I heard from her. And do you have other siblings? I do. I have a younger sister and a younger brother relationship is good with both of them my mother is 80 and she's dealing with a pretty fair amount of dementia even though she doesn't admit that oh okay well most people with dementia don't she yeah right well anyway so sorry we don't want to get off topic okay Okay. But wait, I'm not done with your siblings. So your other two siblings that you do have a healthy relationship with, do they talk to your sister? Not in a healthy way. You know, there's things that they have to do and discuss in relation to taking care

of our mother. But, you know, it's not like, you know like me and my younger brother and my younger sister, we actually get along. We have good relationships. They are a few years younger. So the deal with my older sister is that we're only 11 months apart. We were born in the same calendar year, she in January and I in December. So we were basically raised together. And the dynamic hasn't changed from when we were kids. She is a professional judger. She judges. That's what she does. And so my entire childhood growing up with her was her judging everything I did, everything I said, everything that meant something to me,

my friends, my girlfriends. And so she carried that over into our adult lives. She just never stopped being that person. And so now the memories that I have of my childhood are kind of veiled with a shroud of her judgment, like in her voice. So it's had that kind of a profound impact on me to the point where now that I'm writing a manuscript about my younger years, what do I do with that? Am I brutally honest about the way this affected me, or do I be the kinder person and temper what I write without the brutal honesty? And I was profoundly moved by Life Will Be the Death of Me, Chelsea. And that's kind of inspired me. I've been a professional writer for so many years. This is the first time I'm actually writing something about me. And it's because of your book. Oh, wow. Well, thank you. Okay, so you're describing the dynamic between you and your sister, and you're describing her behavior.

Can I ask you about your own behavior in relation to your sister? Like, how did you, what's your part in that? I'm the younger one. I'm 11 months younger. So when we were kids, you know, she got to experience everything before I did. And so I, I tried to, I guess, you know, have that to look up to, but it never really worked out. And then by the time we were teenagers, and then in our younger 20s, I want to say I was maybe 20 or 21 when our father died so young, the dynamics changed even more so where I was taking care of the house and trying to put myself through college. And I was immediately thrust into adulthood. But there was, I don't think she had the same kind of inclination to do that. So that kind of set the pace for us in terms

of what we were going to be like as adults. And I always wanted an older sister. I have a younger sister, a younger brother. I wanted a healthy family dynamic. My wife's family is a good example of that. It just, it's an apple and an orange though. It was just never the same. Yeah, yeah. But you have to really think about why she acted that way. You know, people who are judging are unhappy and it's about looking outward

rather than looking inward, right? And you have to try to remember that she's obviously coming from a very different place and have as much empathy for her as possible. So it's a conflict because I hear what you're saying. I would always want everyone to pursue their dreams like you writing a novel for the first time. Well, not a novel. You're writing your own story, right? An autobiographical story. So you're writing that. But if you're writing under a pen name or an alias, like, you know, you're going to change all that.

You have to change all the real stuff anyway, legally, when you're writing a book like that. You have to make people unrecognizable and unidentifiable. So, you know, you have to make your sister somebody with a different name, a different occupation. She lives in a different city. So there are ways to shroud that. But if she do you know that she's going to be reading your stuff? Because it sounds like she's pretty disengaged. She is very disengaged. I have no idea. I look at it this way, you know, with the decent relationships I have with my other siblings. And if this does actually come to light, you know, that, you know, whether it's just a personal manuscript or something that actually gets published, I find it hard to believe

that it won't be revealed to her. No, no. You know what? I was just reminded by something my friend said to me once, which is like, just assume everything you do is going to be heard by the people that you're talking about. Sure. And that's true. Like it will get back to her, of course. Again, you could write a manuscript and it could be published or you could write a manuscript and it couldn't be published. So it's a lot of ifs, ands and buts. Right. I mean, hopefully we're going to work under the assumption that it will be published and it'll be a huge success.

Excellent. Okay. So worried about hurting her feelings. Brandon, what do you think about that? Well, I think. I think that you have to write as authentically as possible. I don't think you're going to do yourself any favors by minimizing your experience because obviously it's still unsettling for you today. And this has been ongoing for a very long time. I think you're both in a state of arrested development

in your interactions. And I think that probably comes from her not getting the limelight that she thought she was due as the firstborn, but tailed very closely by a brother. And my siblings and I are all 13 months apart. So I kind of understand that dynamic where everyone was fighting to some degree for the

attention they thought they were owed. And it seems like she took that into adulthood. And upon the death of your father, she knew the pillar she was supposed to take as the eldest child, but forced you into that position, basically, because she's like, I'm not doing this. Like, I didn't get my moment. I'm not responsible for this. You deal with it. And she will, without doubt, read the manuscript, whatever it turns into, she will because she's narcissistic to some degree that again, she didn't get that moment. Like now you're writing about her. So that's really going to like tickle her fancy in a way, even if, you know, it's not flattering. But again, I think that's why you have to write it authentically. And there are appropriate and respectful ways to go about that with her. You can send her a version of it before it's not flattering but again i think that's why you have to write it authentically and there are appropriate and respectful ways to go about that with her you can send her

a version of it before it's released before you do anything with it and say these this is my reference to our childhood these are my memories i understand they may not align perfectly with your experiences but i do want you to have this i want you to be aware if you'd like to discuss anything before it goes out i'm happy to do do so. Like there are ways to operate. That's a nice way of going about it. Yeah. I think there are just respectful ways that you have to operate in your best interest as well. And the best way how you would want someone to do that for you. And I don't think you do those things to spite someone else. Like obviously you care for your sister. You know, it's biological.

You can't not care for your siblings. But I also don't think you have to prioritize how she's going to feel to tell your story. Yeah. So I agree with that. I want this to be authentic. I want it to be honest. These are, you know, even though the names have been changed, are real stories. These are my real stories. And so, you know, if I go in there and I write dishonestly by omission, then, you know, it's not my story anymore.

That's true. And you do have every right to tell your story. And I mean, listen, just by the very fact that you're contemplating, it means that you're conscientious about it, which is a good sign, which means you're not a narcissist or an asshole. I mean, you might be an asshole and a narcissist, but you know, these questions aren't down that line. So again, it's like you're writing under a pseudonym. Like, I think that allows a lot of room for people to get over themselves. But again, I think Brandon's advice is spot on for this. I think providing her with the materials beforehand so she doesn't have one more thing to say she was blindsided, you know, so she doesn't have any more ammunition against it. Be sensitive to the fact that it is your sister, that she is struggling.

You probably stole her thunder in a big way that you have no idea about. The mere presence of you being born probably disrupted her entire flow. Right. Her chi is off. So I would say that, yeah, that's all you can do because you can't prevent, you can't let somebody else's feelings prevent you from telling your truth. Well, you know, I don't think I ever didn't believe that. I think I just needed, you know, to hear somebody say it. Yeah.

Well, great. I mean, problem solved, sounds like. Good luck with your manuscript. Well, thank you. Yeah. Thank you. I'm glad I didn't have to exit that Zoom. The interworkings of sibling relationships. Because, you know, I've written so many books

where I've exposed my siblings' behavior or done stand up and talked about my family in ways that has hurt them. And I've gotten in trouble and I've hurt my sister's feelings a lot or my brother's. And, you know, some of them are so insensitive that they don't care and they're just like, whatever. But I was very insensitive not to run it past them because I just think you're part of my family. Like you got it. You got to suck it up. Like, this is my story. I'm going to tell it. You know, of course, I'm going to tell a joke about it and stand up. But I learned that that's not the right way to go about it. So I think presenting the people with the material is really the most upright thing to do. Do you think that that reframes your stand up material as well? So not just in the books, but when you're going to make a reference

to somebody, I know you've really been thoughtful about how to tell a joke without making someone feel bad or bringing someone down. Do you think that that affects how you present your comedy? Yeah. Do you think it affects your comedy being any less funny in a way? Well, I mean, there's always an asshole to make fun of, right? There's no shortage of assholes, luckily. But yeah, I mean, it's a good challenge to not be able to make cheap jokes that's a good challenge for anybody which is a challenge i welcome i like to be challenged it makes people work harder i like to be given a little structure because i'm so structureless and so chaotic that i like when somebody says okay this is the world you're going

to live in now build a house like okay great i like this challenge. So, but yeah, I have jokes that I've written that are about, you know, I'm like, if this is a bit that works is, am I going to be able to tell this on a special, like it's about a member of my family or it's, you know, like, it's going to always get back to them. There's never any way around that for me. So. And what is your kind of spectrum now? Or I don't know how we would look at this, but when you are writing a joke and you think it's funny, but it might be on the threshold of like crossing a line, whether it be about a family member or just something socially or, you know, the guys that think they're woke and progressive are aren't, you know, and and how my nephew is woke and a liberal and very progressive. But he still is just basking in white male privilege, basking in it, basking in it, mansplaining shit to me left and right, all of us.

And it's like, oh, my God, you know, like I remember when they stayed with me during the quarantine, I'd walk downstairs and he's just splayed out on my couch, you know, in shorts with his legs open. And I'm like, well, meanwhile, the girls of which there were four of us, we're all have we have our AirPods in because we're sharing a house together. Nobody's sitting on the sofa spread eagle. And I want to talk about that. You know, I want to talk about how it's so inured into men's nature to take up more space and to have less regard for others. But I know my sister is going to get pissed at me and she'll be like, can you not do that bit? Or maybe my nephew needs to hear me do that bit. Maybe you should maybe you should do the bit for him and get his response. This is a great way to test and see if my sister Simone is listening to the podcast because she's not.

She'll be in touch. She can write in. Actually, yeah, Simone, if you're listening, if you have any questions, you can write in. No, I mean, these are all things we obviously said to him, to my nephew. But it's a thing now. It's like once you have the term to identify it, it's everywhere. Yeah. Like once you realize, oh, white male privilege is a thing, it's like all you see is that.

And so it becomes kind of like. But again, that is a little bit more thoughtful, even implied in comedy than some of these easier targets. Like there was a radio show host. I don't know if you saw this, but a radio show host, I guess, of a very popular popular show who walked off quit his show because he could not make fun of demi lovato changing their pronouns today them was his name piers morgan because that sounds like fucking what piers i love walking off a show only a white man would walk off a show do you think a person of color would storm out of a show do you think a woman would get up and storm out of a show? Only a fucking white man. Yeah, because they know that there's going to be another opportunity presented to them. Only a straight white man. Well, that's not the case with a person of color

or a woman because they don't know if that opportunity is going to come back. But I just thought that was interesting because it was so obvious. It's so easy to make fun of some of these changes that we're seeing because for a lot of us, it's jarring. I mean, even for me as a gay person, it's a little overwhelming. Actually, this is a good opportunity to talk about because I was talking to my friend last night and we were talking about, you know, non-binary and changing the pronouns. And so there's the pronoun where you can be she or her, and then you can choose to be she and they. Yes. So what's the distinction there? Can you break that down? Okay. So one of my friends in his Instagram bio, because now on Instagram, you can program your pronouns and his

is he, they, and his rationale for that was he identifies as a man, but any person can also be identified plurally. We already do it to some degree. They ran for a drink, whatever. So he thought that it was more inclusive to also be able to be applied plurally than just as a singular man. It's not a representation of... How he identifies. There's no sexual identity involved in that. It's just he, they, so she and her, and then she and they, that's just it.

They want to just... It's more inclusive. So then why don't we just do that for everybody? Well, I'm sure that's not the case for everyone. This is going to be a learning process. Everyone has a learning curve with this right now. My partner works in LGBT media. There are daily changes in the representation and the pronouns.

There are things that are basically just sounds like Z-Zur. Those are pronouns. You don't see them used, but that's a thing. What is? Z-Zur. Okay. Those are two pronouns. So there's just a plethora.

And what are those pronouns mean? I think that's like all encompassing. Okay. And again, I don't know. Okay, well, all we can do is learn and accept it and just get it right. Well, let's see if we get this next advice right. This is from Sunny, 34 out of Seattle. It's an alias, I'm sure. But we'll talk to Sunny from Seattle. Why do you say that? Because it's in quotes?

Yeah. Well, yeah, then I would say it is an alias. No. She's a store manager for a luxury brand. She writes, Dear Chelsea, I enjoy the company I work for, and I also have a really tough boss. I know that if I can stick it out, there will be good opportunities on the other side, but this lady is killing me. She wants a business robot who doesn't have feelings or emotions. I've been that bitch before, and that is not who I want to be anymore. I'm stressed and exhausted all the time from trying to be myself and being bullied back into the box of who someone

else thinks I should be. I've been at this company for seven years and I don't want to start over. What the fuck do I do? Hi, Sunny. Hello. Hi, Chelsea. Hi, Brandon. Hi. How are you? I'm doing well. How are y'all doing? We're doing well, too. Thank you. So tell us about this woman that you work for. What's her story? What's the problem?

What's the dynamic? Yeah, the dynamic is interesting. I have worked with this woman for about three years and only reported directly to her for the last six months or so. And she's definitely a little bit on the older side. She's been in the industry for a really long time. She's very well respected in the company, but she has a lot of those just older tendencies, right? She gets really uncomfortable when people are emotional. She gets really uncomfortable anytime people start talking about money or personal problems. So she's not really with the times when it comes to what people are currently kind of going through in the world.

And even when I think of being a woman in the workplace and wanting to talk about some of those problems, talking about how do you make more money? How do you make network connections? She's really just cuts you off and puts you at a distance. And it's really uncomfortable with all of that. She loves a woman who is very business oriented, you know, like put on your blazer, put on your red lipstick and let's get to work. And I just can't do that anymore. I've been that person. It's really unfulfilling and I don't know what to do. Well, first, I mean, you say you love working there. This woman seems like she's not with the times. But I would argue that you cannot let one person control your disposition or mood.

Right. You're giving her way too much power. She's only your boss right now. You're only reporting to her right now. So like there are workarounds that you can do to tolerate this woman and kind of get what you need and give her what she expects. And you have to look at the situation as temporary and all of the other positive things around it. Like you've been there for seven years. You love the work. You just don't like her personality.

That's no reason to leave a job. Yeah, for sure. I know that you're right. I also, I don't know like how long I can continue to be under the emotional duress, you know, without having more of an outlet, I guess. So how do you feel the emotional duress? I mean, I'm a, I lead other people. So leading other employees, being a manager, you're kind of like at that critical friction point of, you know, I need you guys to take care of the customers. I need you to do these

things. And I also am here to take care of you, right? I'm their leader. I'm their boss. And anytime there's something that we need to work through as a team or a problem, and I want to work through it with my leader, you can't bring that emotion into it. It has to be 100% about the business. And when you're working with people, when your whole job is to take care of people, to not have that same mentality for yourself, that's what I find real. It's grinding where it's like, I'm giving a lot for my team. And I would hope that I would have someone who is doing the same thing for me. And it's hard to just pretend like everything is fine all the time. Uh-huh. Okay. Well, but you seem to be going to an empty well for water, right? You seem to need

emotional support, yet you're going to somebody who's not equipped to give it to you. Yeah, you're definitely right. So can you get that emotional support elsewhere? Like, can you go to a therapist and get emotional support? Are you in a position where you can afford to go to therapy? I can afford to go to therapy. Yes. That is definitely something that I am actively doing and will continue to do. So you're in therapy? Yes, I have. Well, I see a stress coach, so I'm seeing a coach. That's good. Which is helpful. Yeah. Helpful to

have tools and some active resources. But it doesn't really alleviate the fact that you're being stifled emotionally at work. For sure. Yeah. It helps at home, right? It helps when I can leave work and walk away from it. What are your thoughts about her? Like who's senior to her? Like is there a scenario that you would have a conversation with someone that's supervising her about this dynamic? Definitely. And that has happened. So I did have a skip level with him earlier this year. And he said, on one hand, I know there's a place for you in this company. I know that there's a place for people who want to come to work and be wholehearted and take good care of the employees and take care of customers. And you have to understand that she is the way that she is. And so it's now like this culture that this is her

behavior. I'm not the only person who experiences it. And so I have to deal with it. And it's like, you have to suck it up. Right. Well, I would say the same thing. I think you're going to need to get that emotional support that you're looking for from someone else. And whether that's a girlfriend or whether that's like a partner or a relative, a sister, a brother, or a therapist, I think you do have to kind of accept people for who they are and stop expecting them to fulfill. Even though we're living in a different time and times are changing, people are not fucking caught up. They do not get the message and people are stuck in their ways. And you can have empathy for her and sympathy for her. You don't have to act on that. You don't have to show up for her in any of those ways. You just have to take care of yourself and you cannot look for her to do it.

So I really would suggest that you find that kind of outlet for yourself because you're taking care of yourself in a way that's going to make you understand that she is just a pawn in this game of life. And if she's not worth you leaving a company over where you enjoy your position, she will be gone at some point. And hopefully you will remain there

and you will be in a different position or you'll be in a different position or you'll be in her position. I mean, yeah, that would be the dream. Yeah. So I think imagine leaving because of her. I mean, what does that say? She has that much power over you. Well, I also think what it would do for like the next person who has to report to her or the rest of the people on my team, it's like, at least now they have me and they can report to me and I care about them and I take the time for them. And it's like if they had to report directly to her, we'd just be turning and burning. So I think it's good. Yeah, good to be that person for the people on my team. And no, you're totally right. be at this job forever. But as while you like it and while you enjoy it, you need to like look at her as a like a project in your mind and you are going to handle her the way she handles you. You know what I mean? That's a special case that needs kid gloves. And this is the personality I put on when I have to report to her because I'm going to play her

game better than she's going to play it. And, you know, she's not even playing a game. She's just being, you know, older and not with the time. So I think that, yes, I think that's what you should do. You should really just get ahead of this. You're letting her control you and you can control the situation. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, you're right. Thank you. Any other advice for a woman in the working world and carving out their own path? That's something that you excel at, Chelsea. Oh, I thought you were talking to Brandon. I am a woman in the working world. Listen, I understand. I've been in charge of people who wanted emotional support for me.

Like I've had people work for me and I didn't have the bandwidth. I try to be there for as many people as I can, but I can also relate to her and having to deal with so many changes and having so many people come to you and not not being equipped to, you know, have people emotionally lean on you. So I I can kind of see that. But I would just say to be the example that you want to see, you know, you want to it's like being the change you want to see. You can only model what you want to portray. And the best version of yourself is is not to look at certain people like, oh, they don't get it. They don't understand me. It's like every personality is handled in a little bit of a different way. You have to handle people a little bit differently. And that's a fun challenge if you look at it like that, you know, cause then you can like get to her in different ways and who

knows what kind of relationship you can create when you stop resisting the fact that she's not on the same page as you and look for other commonalities between the two of you. Yeah. And model the change. I love that you said that it's like, who knows what's going to happen if I can do me and be myself and like work around her instead. Right. Like, and you can do that. You can totally do that. My friend is in a job where she has a bunch of people reporting to her and she has one woman that reports to her that complained about her. And she was like, oh, my God, you don't understand how much time and how much effort I've spent with this girl. And I've sat with her and she's filed a complaint about me. And it's like, you know, there's like so much there's like this huge chasm between them now because they're just both not on the same page at all.

So, I mean, it's not uncommon. It's happening all over. It's just like, aren't you smart enough to figure out a way around that? I think so. I think you're right. Yeah. All right. Well, problem solved, Sonny. There you go. Good luck. Thank you so much. Bye, Sonny. Thanks for calling. Appreciate the time. Bye,sea bye brandon bye bye bye oh god don't miss working retail i do not oh god that would just be that must be so catty although women are learning to be kinder and gentler to each other people just need to learn to be kinder and gentler well women know women have been pitted against each other and you know they're they're pitted against each other because of of our culture and women need to know like we're all on the same team like you got to look out for other women always always

always yeah that is something else i was thinking about the other day was how these younger stars show up for each other in a way that like whitney houston and mariah carey did not this is a very gay reference but there's like they now see through all of that bullshit. All of the background noise like, well, there can only be one of you. That's not true, obviously. It's been proven time and time again. So

all these women like Taylor Swift and Katy Perry realize like, oh, we don't need to have this sort of dynamic. We can support each other even if we aren't best friends. That's not the narrative we need created for us. How are these girls supporting each other more now? They just show up.

They're doing music videos together. Right, right, yeah. You know, they're coming out for each other's projects. And there was, I saw something recently that it was Mariah Carey had Jennifer Hudson

and Ariana Grande on one of her Christmas songs, which was a huge deal. Like, she's never done this before. She's never had someone of Ariana's caliber singing with her. And just for so long, like you're saying, women were positioned to be like, you are the only one. You are the best. You can't allow anyone else to come in. And, you know, she had to get with the times to be like, oh, I can't operate that way. Like

we need to be supporting each other. We need to be leveraging one another. So that is nice to see that women are stepping out. Yeah, that's the way it should be. Outside of what men want them to do. Okay. So speaking of what men would like us to do, let's take a break. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.

Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight

about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel

might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to

reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No, Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. In terms of, you know, the memoir writing and offending your family member, I mean, I'm already doing that again. You know, as I mentioned earlier, I'm doing it in stand up. I'm talking about living with my nephew. I told him when I saw him on Nantucket, like, hey, you're in my set.

He's like, OK. So, you know, I'm not the best person to give advice on that topic, which I would like to reiterate. Brandon? Our last submission comes from, I think, Laura. Yeah, good old Laura. She writes, Dear Chelsea, when I was born, my mom was a nanny for an old, rich family that owned a large estate, which we lived on. Every day, or most days, my mom looked after two boys and me until we moved away when I was 11 and didn't keep in touch.

Fast forward, I'm now 49. I started dreaming about the youngest boy who I was besotted. What is that word sweetheart besotted means to have a to be taken by somebody like a crush okay i'm gonna incorporate that one i was besotted seven or eight years ago i started daydreaming about meeting him and then one day his dad died and my mom went to his funeral we went in for a quick hug he gave me eye contact in a nervous way and we hardly spoke i cried all the way home my mom went to his funeral. We went in for a quick hug. He gave me eye contact in a nervous way and we hardly spoke. I cried all the way home. My mom was really concerned.

And then I went into an emotional depression for weeks. I know he is married with three children. His wife looks a bit like me. So that made me smile. Let me just keep going. I emailed him once, but he never responded. My mom died a few weeks ago and my mom called him and he never replied. After she died? few weeks ago, and my mom called him, and he never replied.

After she died, her mom, what is she talking about? From the other side. Read Laurel and Jackson's book, you'll know. But his brother always keeps in contact. I have the opportunity

to go to my mom's celebration party in the summer, but I don't feel I can put myself through the rejection again. Oh my God. This is, I have a really immediate response for her. My question is,

do I forget about him and leave him in the past, or do I go to the party and try and rekindle some sort of relationship, even though I feel deep down that he doesn't want to go there? I've attached an old photo of me and him. I'm looking forward to hearing your advice. Hi, Laura. You need to move the fuck on.

He's married. There's nothing to rekindle. It's over. He's married. Right now, he's married. For as long as he's married, there's nothing to rekindle. It's over. He's married right now for he's married for as long as he's married. There's no chance of a reconciliation or there's no reconciliation because there never was anything to begin with. So I want to just say like you sound slightly delusional and you really are letting a man who isn't seemingly interested in you have way too much control over you. Like you're stronger than that. And you can find somebody else and not focus all of your attention

on a childhood crush because that's all it was. You had a childhood crush. We've all had them. And then we grow up and they're over and yours is over. So you have to listen to the fact that this is not not healthy, not healthy, honey. Sorry to call you, honey. I don't want to be patronizing or condescending. I want I'm just trying to be loving like you're better than this. This is not who you are or who you want to be. This is just something old that you kind of need to. I think it'll be a great sense of closure. Yes, you need to go to his mother's memorial celebration and comport yourself or her celebration, however you guys are calling it. So yeah, does she need to go to that?

No, she doesn't need, she'd just be making herself present and putting herself through something that's uncomfortable. Okay. So Laura, if you can't handle going to his mother's memorial celebration and going through that and acting like an adult and actually making a new impression, because I think there's a vibe that people understand you've had a crush on him. And I think he probably understands that you've had a crush on him. And so I wouldn't set yourself up for that unless you're going to put yourself in a situation where you can go there with your head held high and act in a dignified way and accept that he's married and that you're not in a relationship with him and then pay your respects to his dead mother well honestly laura don't go to that you shouldn't go to that if you want if you want to send your condolences send a nice arrangement or a note like making yourself present is going to be distracting and it's just going to be like a cry for attention so don't do it yeah laura you're better than this this is a childhood crush and those expire for a reason. Just like high school ends for a fucking reason. So do childhood crushes. And also, can we please

stop trying to hit on someone at a funeral, a parent's funeral, especially? Well, really any funeral. I mean, why are people thinking that that's an opportunity to hook up? I remember when my mom died. I walked into my parents' bathroom and I was looking through my mom's medication to see if I wanted any of it. I was going to my mom's funeral and I already thought that was kind of gross that I was doing that. But when I got there, my brother Roy was already in the medicine cabinet doing exactly what I was going to do. And I was like, what did you find? And he had found like a bunch of stuff. And he's like, Norco did this. Anyway, so I then prescribed obviously after that what my brother was going to take and what I was going to take and then told him to get out so that I could take my Norco in peace for my mother's funeral. But I thought that was inappropriate. Even while I was

in the situation, I knew that my behavior was inappropriate. But you know, it was's funeral. But I thought that was inappropriate. Even while I was in the situation, I knew that my behavior was inappropriate. But you know, it was a funeral. I'm allowed to do whatever I want to do really when my mother dies. And this seems much more inappropriate. Hitting on someone at a funeral is such a bad move if you think it's okay to do that because it's not it's disrespectful to the people that have lost someone even if it wasn't the right time and someone was at a funeral and somebody kind of made even if I thought oh that he's cute but not now if he did that he would no longer be cute like what's cute about a man is a man who knows that that's inappropriate I hate having to explain this shit all the time you know and then I come out like I'm the's inappropriate. I hate having to explain this shit all the time,

you know, and then I come out like I'm the bad guy that I hate men. It's like, no, actually, I'm trying to fucking help you if you would listen. Problem solved. Problem solved, Laura. Get a new problem, actually. And then right back in. I mean, poor thing. People struggling with childhood. I mean, here's let me see this picture she sent. She said, love to Bert and Bernice. Anyone who's writing to Bert and Bernice, just so you know, Bert is with a B-E-R-T and then Bernice is B-E-R-N-I-C-E. This is spelled Bern, B-E-R-N. And you guys are also four and three years old in this picture?

Who knows? This is a childhood photo. Okay. I don't know what to say to her. I think we've said it all. Okay. Move on, Laura. Okay. Let's what to say to her. I think we've said it all. Okay. Move on, Laura. Okay. Let's also move on.

Well, we are. That was the last submission for the day. Oh, okay. Well, then let's move on to margaritas. We're wrapped up. You have work to do. Oh, yeah. That's right. Okay. Thanks for listening, you guys. We'll be back next week. Bye-bye. Also, I am on tour. My tickets are officially on sale. We've added a couple of extra shows. We're going to be announcing dates as we go. You can buy tickets at Ticketmaster

and tickets are available. And I can't fucking wait. It's called Vaccinated and Horny. So make sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horniness and then keep them to yourself, please. If you want any assistance with your partner, your best friend, really anything, you can write in to DearChelseaProject at gmail.com. DearChelseaProject at gmail.com.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really No Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.