Dear Chelsea - Hotter in the Hamptons with Tinx

Episode Date: May 1, 2025

Tinx is back to talk about the importance of horniness, why women should spend more time fantasizing, and why she can’t wait for all her friends to get divorced.  Then:  A queer couple have a houseguest who’s overstayed his welcome.  A caller going through a breakup needs a reset.  And a friendship gets too possessive when location-tracking comes into play.   * Pick up Tinx’s new book Hotter in the Hamptons! * Order a signed copy of Chelsea’s new book HERE! * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, Catherine. Oh, hello, Chelsea. How's New York City? Oh, New York City is blossoming. It's just beautiful. It's almost summertime. Spring is in the air. It was sunny, delightful.

I came home. I got here last night and I was tempted to go out with some friends, but I decided, you know what? I was going to take the night to myself. And instead I took a Xanax and I read one of our podcast guest books that we have coming up and I was just really, really excited. I was just like, oh, I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends.

I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends. I'm going to go out with some friends. I was gonna take the night to myself. And instead I took a Xanax and I read

one of our podcast guest books that we have coming up. And I was just a really responsible adult woman who's 50 years old. Oh my gosh, look at you. Yes, I'm very responsible. But you do like a night in. You're someone who enjoys their own company and I think that's very good.

Yes, I very much enjoy my own company. I had a lot of company this week. I went out a lot this week. I saw a lot, I did a lot of socializing in Los Angeles and I did the LA Festival of Books, which was a joy. It was so fun. I love books. I like being around books and I like talking about books.

That is my passion. They even smell good, like they feel good. Like I love, when around books and I like talking about books. That is my passion. They even smell good, like they feel good. Like I love, when you get a new book and like the pages might feel a little different than the last one you read. I mean, it's like the little things, you know? I'm reading about seven books right now.

So I could, and I like to read them a hard copy. So it's hard to travel to seven books because I'm on my way. I'm bouncing around. I'm done with LA for, I won't be in LA for two months now. So I go from here, I think to Whistler, and then somewhere in Chicago, then New York,

and then Reykjavik, and then Belfast. I'm gonna spend a couple days at Belfast because I feel like there's gonna be some good history shit going on down there, up there, over there. I'm reading actually a book right now about the IRA. I believe it's called Say Nothing. And there's a Hulu series about it now. So it's thrilling. It's thrilling.

Yeah, I'm very interested in that history. I don't know enough about it. So I'm just gonna... I'll lend it to you. My cousin's good like me. She likes shit like that. Okay, so our guest today, we have two episodes we're dropping today. One is with our guest, who is a New York Times bestselling author

and host of It's Me Tinks on SiriusXM. Her newest book is called Hotter in the Hamptons and it's out May 6th. Please welcome Tinks. Hi, Tinksy Winksy. Hi. It's the one. It's the only.

It's Tinks with a bigger microphone. Oh, hell yeah. The bigger the better. Size matters, baby. I know, but when I met you, you were using a little Vienna sausage microphone. And I know sometimes you sometimes go back to that. You do sometimes have the little microphone,

but I love seeing you with a big black mic in your hand. Big dad, yeah, this is a big, this is more my size. I've upgraded, but I do still keep Mini Mic around for the bit, but everybody else started doing mini mic So I saw that I did see that you started a trend. You're a trend get it. Yes. Oh my god. Congratulations Tinks has a new book out everybody. It's a new book and guess what? It's fiction this time and it's called hotter in the Hamptons and I'm going to guess that it's not autobiographical at all.

Well, it's, you know, they say to write what you know, it's about an influencer who gets canceled and then goes to the Hamptons to get her groove back. Maybe some of that I experienced, maybe some of it I didn't, you know? Feels like it's very, eerily similar to the truth. But listen, every work of fiction is based on authors on some truth from the author. It's impossible to... I mean, it's not impossible. I guess there are lots of authors who could write fiction, who've been trained in writing

fiction. But I think when a celebrity writes fiction, and many people write fiction, you have to bring stuff in from your life. So that's totally understandable and actually more enticing in my opinion. I want to know. I want to know what's real, what's not. First of all, Tiggs is already a New York Times bestseller because she had her first book, which was called The Shift, which was a New York Times bestseller. So this is her second foray into the book industry. And this is like a queer love story that takes place in the Hamptons.

queer love story that takes place in the Hamptons. And that starts out as enemy, they start out as enemies and then slowly, actually not that slowly because chapter two is when things start to come out of people's pants. It's a classic enemies to lovers situation. And yeah, I mean, I kind of like whenever I'm reading a Smut erotica book, I'm like get to the sex already So yeah, it starts pretty early on because I feel like that's why people are reading it

So you got to give them a little juiciness early early up front. Otherwise, you're like, I don't care get to the sex part So yeah, that's actually very formulaic, right? You were saying Catherine that that romance books typically I've this is I just want you to know Ticks this is the tics, I can't even fucking talk today. I want you to know Tix, that this is the first fucking romance novel I've read in my entire life. Only because it's you. Yes, I've never, I can't read romance

because I just find it so ridiculous. And this was very entertaining. And steamy. And yeah, well, very steamy, very steamy. I have to ask you, when you write so much about queer sex Have you experienced queer sex? This book is about Lola not about me But the question is have you experienced? That's my diplomatic answer. This is about Lola

It's it's about her journey a lot of straight women follow me And I want this book to be a fantasy for them or you know I want it I want them to experience new fantasies because of this book and the reason I love reading not just in general not just smut or erotica but reading in general is it's like one of the only times that we imagine as an adult like we're going about our day we have work we have a million things to do da da da and our creativity and our imagination just gets smaller and smaller because we don't have room to play. And when you read, you imagine. And that's why I'm so obsessed with reading. So I hope this book opens people up and makes them really horny. That is my number one goal is to make people horny this summer. I think horniness is very criminally undervalued in society today. I think it's important to be horny, whether you're in a relationship, whether you're single, whether you're married, doesn't matter. So that is what I want to achieve with this book. Vaginas opening everywhere from the East to the West. I also endorse horniness

and I think it is a very healthy way to go through life is to be horny, to go after what you want, to be open to different kind of sexual experiences and escapades, if you will, and to get after it. I mean, open to different kinds of sexual experiences and escapades, if you will, and to get after it. I mean, what's the point of being a woman if you're not going to have fun with your body? Like literally just get after it, have fun. Don't close yourself off to anything.

I think we really all need to just be open to anything. Being a woman, being in your sexuality is so powerful when you own it. When you say, yeah, actually I am horny today. Or when you say, yeah, that person turns me on or this thing I read turns me on, whatever. That's so powerful. I feel like being sexual as a woman has been so villainized in so many ways. And it's not about necessarily being slutty. This is a huge difference. And I feel like that's what they want you to us to believe. Like, oh, if you're horny, you're a bad woman and you're slutty, that's not true at all. We as women, our sexuality is connected to the cosmos.

It's very powerful and the more that you're in that, the more powerful you'll be. And slutty is just a word created by men to categorize women who want to sleep with more than them. You know what I mean? Exactly. First of all, it's so empowering to be sexually free and sexually liberated. It's especially if you're a single woman and you haven't committed yourself to anyone yet. It's like it's exploration.

It's finding out not only what you like, it's finding out what you're attracted to, what your standards are, what you desire. Like it's so much better to be open-minded than to be narrow-minded in terms of sexuality. So it's a nice exploration of that in this book. 100%, yeah, yeah. Let's talk about, well, I mean, are you in New York right now?

It looks like your background. I'm in New York. Yeah, that doesn't look like an LA background. I just saw Tynx recently on my book tour and she was nice enough to host me at the 92nd Street Y and interviewed me. So fun. And then we went to my birthday party.

And then we were talking about New York and LA and in this book there's a lot of New York and LA comparisons. So basically you were saying how much you love New York and your desire to be there more permanently. Talk to me about that a little bit. I'm just in a season of my life where I like to be in New York.

You know, I found it far easier. So more sex in New York for sure. More sex for sure. And more community just where I am in my life. I am single and I like a very full social life. I like to see my friends every week. I like to do things spontaneously. I am single and I like a very full social life. I like to see my friends every week. I like to do things spontaneously. I like to say, Hey, let's go get a martini at finale's right now. And I want to have 10 friends who can do that. And the truth is, I couldn't

do that in LA. You know, it's just not set up for that. No one wants to have a martini in the middle of the day in LA. No one wants to have a martini on a Friday night. They say, oh, you know, we can't the traffic, the Uber, the this, the that. And everyone is sober here. Everyone's sober. Oh, I don't the calories, this and that. I'm like, oh my God, like, I just, I want to have fun. I'm in a, I'm in a very big fun era of my life. And I want the place that I live to reflect that. It doesn't mean that there's not great things about LA. There are fantastic things about LA.

If you are very wealthy and you have a family, LA is a nice place to live. There's a lot of great things to do in LA. It's just not if you're single and horny and want to go out all the time. It's kind of a little difficult. I've been trying to move to New York for about five years now and this house in LA that will never be finished, that I'm under construction on, once again, I'm out of my house.

Once again, callers, I am living at a friend's house, without my dog, Doug. Not for long, though, I'm heading back to Whistler in a couple days, but I cannot wait to finish this house, fucking sell it, rent it, I don't give a shit what happens, but I cannot wait to get an apartment in New York City and start living the life that you're describing. I'm so late, I'm 50, I should have done this when I was 40,

but whatever, I don't care about time. I'm even hotter now than I was at 40, so it's gonna be even more exciting. And everybody's divorced now, so like, this is the time to get back to New York. I can't wait for my friends to get divorced. I know that's evil, but I cannot wait for them to come back to me.

Right now, I'm in the phase where they're all hunkering down and having the kids, and I'm like, I'll bide my time, I'll wait, I'll wait. You're gonna, yeah, you're gonna come back to me. And also men break up with their wives at this time. There's a lot of divorce that happens between the ages of 40 and 50, so it's good to catch someone on the tail end

of their divorce, you know what I mean? If you're looking for someone who's not ready for a commitment and you're looking to have fun or if you are looking for commitment. I feel like a divorce guy could be great for me. That doesn't scare me at all. In fact, it sounds actually like it could be good. Like a guy who's in his early 40s, he's been divorced. Maybe he has one kid so he's not stressed about having more because I'm not sure that

I want kids so I don't want that pressure on me. And I think that could be great for me. But yeah, but he's gotta wanna have fun. It doesn't sound fun to me to just like be in a nuclear family unit or whatever. That doesn't appeal to me. I want someone who's like, let's go to Mexico City this weekend.

And like, I don't know, take mushrooms at Soho house. Like that's the kind of basic shit that really gets me off and I want a guy who wants to do that with me. We're on the same page, Stinks. We're on the exact same page, actually. I was gonna say, maybe you don't need a guy, you need Chelsea. Apparently of the exact same book, Hotter in the Hamptons. Another thing you said to me when we spoke last time,

I think this was on your podcast, or I don't know, maybe it was private, but we'll talk about it. It was about how annoying men are and how bored you are. Now, was that directed just at LA or is that just an overall sentiment? Because you're not alone, obviously, I'm sure you're well aware.

My problem with dating is not that I go on all these dates and nobody likes me and whatever. I find the conversation so boring, I'm almost bored to tears. And I'm not saying that in a rude way or to be a bit or whatever but the most of the men I meet I find them to be very one-dimensional and when I meet women every time I meet a woman she's like oh this morning I woke up and I ran a 10k and then I baked some vegan muffins for my dog because he's going through some health issues and then I went to my job and then I did this and that and I I'm like, wow, I wanna be your best friend and I wanna know everything about you.

And when I meet men, they're like, it's just, it's so hard to like get in there. And look, I've loved men in the past. I found men interesting in the past, but as I get older, I do find it more and more difficult to find men who are super dimensional. And that is a problem I'm having with dating right now. Because every time I go on a date,

I'm like, oh, I'd rather be with my friends. I thought I liked this guy and we were FaceTiming. And there were a couple moments of awkward silence. I mean, FaceTime's pretty awkward when you don't know somebody well. I actually prefer not to have that happen, but this person assaulted me with a FaceTime a few times. And I'm at the place in my life where I just, I'm not filling in gaps of silence.

Like, I don't care. If it's awkward, then you talk. Like, I don't have anything to tell you or I'm pretty confident with who I am. And the moments of silence just were, just, I just was like, it's a fun experiment to like look at someone and go, okay, are you going to say something? Because I'm actually not going to say something. And to be on the phone and have that happen, you're like, this is so ridiculous.

It's so ridiculous. You don't have anything to tell. I just met you. You don't have anything to tell me. No, it's wild. And a lot of men also like, I don't like to man bash too much because then I feel like it kind of makes my points less powerful.

I'm truly not man bashing, but something that I have found very broadly with dating today is like men don't ask you questions and because I have my call in show, this is something that happens to a lot of young women right now. Women, we go on these dates and we're like, well, where did you go and what did you see? And what did it do?

And like, we will fill the silence and we will ask questions because we're genuinely curious about the other person. If you're on a date or if you're on a FaceTime, surely you must have something to ask the person, but they don't. Yeah, no, no. It's unreal that how they will talk about themselves and then fail to ask you a question about yourself.

You're trying to date me. You're not curious about anything. I mean, I know it's all pretty public, but don't you wanna know anything personal about me? No, I went on a hinge date last year and I actually, I was in a really low point in dating. So I was like, whatever, I'm going to do an experiment. And I actually asked him a lot of questions. Like I was really on my shit, you know, not in a crazy way, but I was very, very forthcoming with my questions. We went for 42 minutes before he asked me a question about myself.

42. What was the question? He was like, what do you, I don't actually know what your job is. And it was 42 minutes we were in. And at that point my martini was done and I go, you know what, I'm going to be real with you. I'm not feeling it. I'm going to go home.

And I went home. Oh, good for you. I love saying that. I love saying that. I'm like, how insane is that? 42 minutes and you don't think, oh, this is a conversation, it goes back and forth. And I should be interested in this person. Well, and like that's the question that he came up with?

I don't know what you do for a living. Like that's, yeah. And by the way, it's not even a question. It's not even a question. Like if the date automatically goes to, oh, what do you do? Where are you from? It's just like, come on, be more interesting. Say, oh, I saw this thing today or have you watched that show? Something that's unrelated to both of you.

Talk about a subject matter. That's what I want to hear about. I went on a date the other night. Somebody set me up. That was nice. I walked into the bar and this guy was wearing a bomber jacket and drinking Chardonnay. And I just thought, what the? Honestly.

And then I sat down and I said, I don't have a lot of time, I probably only have 15 minutes. And I ordered a Tanqueray and soda. And then he was like, I'm gonna get another glass of Chardonnay and I said, well enjoy it, because I'm leaving. And I left and it was literally 15 minutes, because, enjoy it because I'm leaving. And I left. And it was literally 15 minutes because that's

how much time I have to spend with people. I am not in the business. As you're not in the business, at a certain age, you stop pretending that you have to make people feel good. It doesn't matter. I need to feel good. I need to go home and get sleep. I don't need to waste this Tankeray and soda on you.

I'd rather go home and take an edible and go to bed. Yeah. That's the thing also is like, if you are a person who's in command of their own life and who lives intentionally and has a lot of fun, which isn't a lot of people, no shade, but you know, a lot of people don't have command of their own emotions.

Like I just don't wanna waste my time with something that isn't good for either of us. And I think that people need to be more forthcoming, but I also think people need to not take it so personally. If you go on a date and it ends quickly, sometimes girls will write to me and they'll be like, I'm so upset. And I'm like, you didn't like him either.

It's okay to just cut your losses and be like, all right, we tried, cool, see you next time. Time is so precious. Time is the only limited resource we have. It's the only thing we can't get back. You can get back everything else. You can never get back time. And the way that we throw time away in our twenties just on these like endless dates on, you know, the apps and sitting there dating someone for three months when you know that they're a loser, like you're

better to go home and read a book and take an edible and go to bed. Your time on earth is genuinely better spent on that because, you that because people need to get over the fact that you're not going to die if you're single. You could die of boredom in some of these fucking dates because they're so bad. Beth Dombkowski Well, I think a lot of our listeners are listening thinking, okay, so what happens when, okay, so when you said that to that guy, I'm not feeling it.

What was his response? Beth Dombkowski Hand to God. I maybe didn't say, oh, I'm not feeling it. I think I said, you know what? I'm really tired. I've got to call it and go to bed. You know, whatever. But which is code for I'm not having fun. But I remember specifically that I was back

at my apartment within the hour. I remember that I was, you know, whatever. The next day he texts me and goes, hey, and he fucking walked me home. It was in New York. He walked me home and I was like, Jesus Christ. I couldn't believe it. The next morning he texts me and goes, hey, and he fucking walked me home. It was in New York, he walked me home and I was like, Jesus Christ, I couldn't believe it. The next morning he texts me, he goes, hey, I'm actually going to a party

in the building next to yours tonight if you wanted to come. And I was just thinking, and then I texted him and I said, I'm sorry, I really don't feel an emotional connection. But the most insane part is even when I'm at my worst, even when I'm running a fucking science experiment, I'm still more fun than most of these dudes.

I mean, but by the way, it makes sense because if someone lets you speak about yourself for 42 minutes, he had the best time of his life. He didn't even realize. He was taking that free therapy and like a little light stand up for me. And you got to have a martini. Meanwhile, I'm exhausted. I should have sent him a bill. The guy that I left with the Chardonnay texted me the next day and said,

I know you have a pretty busy weekend coming up, so I just want to let you know, don't work too hard. Have a fun weekend. I was going to like South by Southwest or something. And I said, thanks so much for the drink. Have all the fun weekends, period. Like fuck off and leave me alone. Well, just like, I want to be direct because I don't want to waste anyone's time

I don't want to be mean but I want to be direct it's just like we as women have to retrain ourselves the way that we are Exist in relation to men. We're not there to be liked we're there to like them and we're we get confused about being liked and liking them and to like them and we get confused about being liked and liking them. And you can't just be worried about what someone thinks of you because that can't be the only prerequisite to a relationship is someone liking you. You have to like them and then back it up 20 feet and find out if you do. So yes, I think that's obviously very common with all women.

Women fuck who they want, men fuck who they can and I stand on that. This actually, I have a caller who like, would dovetail really nicely with this. Should we get into it? Should we be ready? Sure, sure, let's take a break and we'll be right back with Tink. If you'd like advice from Chelsea,

write into us at dearchelseapodcast.gmail.com. We'd love to hear your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice on. And this week, we're specifically looking for questions related to meditation and personal and spiritual growth. So if you have any questions, please write in at dearchelseapodcast at gmail.com. And we're back with Tynx and we have a call with a pressing caller, apparently, according

to Catherine. Okay, great. Bring it in. Well, speaking of men wasting everybody's time, Lila writes, "'Dear Chelsea, my partner and I need some advice "'on how to handle a really tough situation. "'Over two years ago, my partner's brother "'was unexpectedly diagnosed with epilepsy at around age 35.

"'At the time, we'd just bought our house "'and we're in the middle of renovating it "'with the mindset that it would just be "'the two of us living there. "'But when he started having seizures, we took him in so he wouldn't have to live alone while adjusting to his diagnosis. Since then, we've done our best to support him, and he's in a much better place now. His seizures are under control with medication, he sees a psychologist, and he likes his new

neurologist. He's just shy of one year seizure-free. The problem is, living with him has been really difficult. He's constantly in a bad mood, barely interacts with us, and is incredibly passive-aggressive. He makes it clear when he doesn't like something we enjoy to the point where it feels like we're wrong for liking it. We feel like we're walking on eggshells in our own home, and honestly, it doesn't feel like ours space anymore. It feels like his.

Our house is small for three adults, and at one point we even considered buying a bigger home just to make things more manageable. But we've realized that we'd just be putting a bandaid on the situation. What we really need is for him to move out, but we know this conversation is not going to go well. He doesn't handle things like this in an emotionally mature way, and we're anticipating a lot of negativity, tension, and passive aggressiveness in the aftermath. We want to be clear, firm, and kind when we tell him,

but also stand up for ourselves and our needs. How do we have this conversation in a way that sets the boundary while minimizing the fallout? Lila. Hi Lila. Hi. Hi. Say hi to our special guest Tynx today. Hi special guest Tynx. Hello. Hi. Okay, so Tynx, do you want to start or shall I? You start.

Okay, I mean, this is obviously going to be a difficult conversation, but it's necessary. So you and your husband are, I'm assuming, Lila, are on the same page? Yeah, my partner is also a female. Oh, okay. So great. She's on the same page as you. Okay, great. So yeah, you guys are going to have to sit down. I mean, honestly, I actually think this is more of her responsibility than yours, but if you wanna be a caring partner, then you can.

I mean, it is your house, you've had the experience with him and it is a little bit of a cop out to say, no, you handle it, cause it's your sibling. Do you feel the same way or do you? Yeah, for sure. We have said that I think that she should handle that conversation, but I do think I should probably be at least be there for that. Yeah.

I think that first of all, you have to firmly state what is going to happen and a timeframe. You always have to give people a timeframe that is not negotiable. And it can be a generous timeframe. It could be 30 days, it could be 60 days, whatever you think is generous. You know what I mean? To give him the benefit of the doubt because he's getting information that is unexpected in his brain. But because of all of the behaviors and because he's gotten himself into a healthier place,

he no longer needs to be living with the two of you. So that's just a practical matter. He's got his medication. He's not having seizures. Is he having any seizures at all? No, no. No. Okay. So there was no plan ever for you two

to have a third party living with you. So you went out of your way. How long has he been living with you guys? Two years. Okay, first of all, he should have been gone a year ago. So you've been overly generous. And I can just tell by the tone of your voice that you might be a little bit nicer

than you're gonna need to be in this situation. For sure. And you guys actually should sit down together, you and your partner, before you do this, and really meditate, intentionalize what you're gonna say, how you're gonna say it, that you are gonna be unwavering. And you're gonna give him, I don't know,

what sounds good to you, 30 days or 60 days? Honestly, I guess you're, I'm too nice. I would give him like six months. No, no, no. Two months or three months max, max. Not you two and a half years. You're going to live with your brother, your relationship, you, you, your relationship might not survive that.

Like your relationship is being fractured by this interloper. And by the way, he's not an interloper. Listen, something bad happened. You guys helped him. You did the right thing. It's family, family helps family. You would probably do it for a friend too. But two years is an exhausting amount of time

to share a space with somebody who's passive aggressive, who's insulting to your opinions or your likes or all of these things. And it's just an unpleasant person to be around. So you just have to state it that way. Listen, we've been here, we've helped you and now we feel like it's been two years and we're ready to be, you know, living by ourselves again. You're up on your feet. You can do your you can handle this sickness and illness with the meds now and it's time to see work. Yes, he does. Great. So what's he

doing with his money? Is he paying rent to you guys at all? A little. I mean, he pays $700, but other than that, like, we kind of just did this to, like, help him get on his feet, have him save money, and, like, give him an opportunity to, like, buy something for himself and, like, actually do something with his life that he likes. But I just feel like he has no plan. He says he's going to go do these things and he just doesn't, comes up with excuses constantly. Right. Okay. So I think you should write all of these points down too so that you can give him a list of things after so that there isn't any confusion in the conversation and any twisting of the words.

Like, we wanted to help you out, you were in a bad way, we did that, we wanted you to get on your feet, we wanted you to seek the right medical care, you've done all of these things. Look at all of the things that you've done in the past two years, which he's not looking at, right? He's not thinking about how far he's come. But you need to remind him about all of the things that are better than they were. And now is a good time. And even if you say for the next couple months, you don't have to pay us rent while you save

money to find your own place. You don't have to pay us rent while you save money to find your own place You don't have to pay us 700 unless you really need that money from him Yeah, I mean I feel like it's a very generous amount considering like the type of job that he has he can absolutely support himself So we definitely do need the money because I'm in school right now And I'm okay, I'm only working part-time, but I'm almost done. Great, totally fair. Another thing you could point out, you make a great living, you could totally afford to live on your own. Our relationship, we never intended to have a third person,

and while we loved you and totally would never take this time back, blah, blah, blah, it's now time for us to figure out a transition plan for you to leave. But you have to give him a timeframe. Yeah, with a date, a specific date. Tinks, what do you think? I completely agree.

I think a timeframe is super helpful. I think being firm, I think laying it out with your partner, what you're going to say beforehand will be helpful because I agree with Chelsea, you sound very, very nice. And sometimes you get in those situations and if he's already a bit passive aggressive, he's going to be like, well, you know, what about this and that? You need to be firm. You need to be kind and firm and brief and just lay down the law. And yeah, it's time.

I feel like you probably don't even realize like how much this is weighing on your relationship in your life. Like you deserve to have a great life with your partner. You guys have been more than generous. It's time for the next chapter now. Two years is way too long. You guys have been more than generous. It's time for the next chapter now. Two years is way too long. You are way past your expiration date. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, the first year he was having seizures on and off. So it kind of kept pushing the time and pushing it, but like now we're getting in a better spot and he has almost been seizure free for a year. So I kind of feel like we're waiting for these like medications to actually like work well and be comfortable where he's at. And now he's seeing a psychologist and he seems to be working things out

from their childhood that has been tough. Great, great. All of these things mean that he's made, these are things you should list down for him. All of his milestones that he's made. Sometimes people don't remember how far they've come and they still think they're struggling, struggling, struggling. And it's like, wait a second, you did this, this,

this and this, look at how far you've come. You're resilient, you're strong, and you're ready to be on your own again. And seriously, make a list of all of the things he's accomplished so that he can reflect on that too. You know, that could kind of take some of the sting out. And he may not have a great reaction, it sounds like he probably won't,

but don't worry about that. That's not your problem. You have demonstrated loving kindness and compassion, and now you are taking your ownership back of your life. And there is nothing to be sorry about for that. And I feel like if there are some tantrums, if there's some passive aggressiveness, like expect that.

And I think you can just be like, okay, like if he makes a snide comment, like, okay, don't let him bait you into stuff. Don't let him turn this transition period ugly and weird and awkward. Like, let stuff roll off your back because you know there's a date when it's going to be over. Yep. Yep.

That makes a lot of sense. It really has caused a lot of stress in our relationship. Of course. Aren't you? Sure. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Nobody wants to live with their fucking family member. Nobody in a marriage wants their brother or sister living there.

That's just not an ideal situation. Many people do it out of the goodness of their heart and their bonds to their family, but it's not ideal. So, I mean, and two years, that's enough. It's enough already. And I would really impress upon you to say, make it a two or three month situation, not a six month. Six months will go on.

You have to assume it's gonna go over a month that you ask for. So just say two months is a fair amount of time for you to start looking for a place. If it takes a little bit longer, fine, but we would really love for you to have a plan within two months, a living plan. Makes a lot of sense for sure.

And one more thing, don't engage. If he is, if he does start an argument, if he does want to get into it, do not engage with that. Just say, I'm so sorry, we're not going to talk to you in this kind of tone. This is not healthy for us and we don't want to. Like when there's one person arguing by themselves, there's not a big argument happening for very long So as long as you don't get into it with him and you don't allow your partner, you know Like instruct her to do the same thing

Don't get mired in the back and forth and all of that and like you did this and you didn't do this It's like no, we're simply stating what our boundary is. This is a boundary people don't like that word But it's gonna bring out the best in him at some point, just maybe not right away. Yep, totally for sure. I agree with that. All right. Will you keep us posted, Laila?

I will. Yeah, I will check back in for sure. All right. Good luck. Be strong. Thank you. Be strong, Laila. I will.

Thank you so much. I wish I knew about boundaries earlier on in my life. You know, I'm boundary lists. I had no boundaries. I mean, I still am a little bit murky on the boundary stuff because sometimes I just can't help myself. You know, I'm like, Oh, you know, I want to give my driver a massage inside my house. I mean, not for me. But you know what I mean? Like, right, right. And I have so many friends who are like, don't you can't do Chelsea, that is a line that you cannot cross. And it always bites me in the ass.

It does bite me in the ass. Well, our next question comes from Claire. Claire says, dear Chelsea, I need some advice, wisdom, clarity, anything at this point. My partner of 10 years cheated on me and left me for his coworker about a year and a half ago. The relationship wasn't perfect, but it turns out I was the only one trying to make it work

since he was lying about his feelings, lying about going to therapy, and apparently this woman. I've been working with my therapist to rebuild, but there's one thing that I think you'd have some helpful insight on. I'm turning 35 and it's been a scary age for me because I'm on the fence about kids. I'm worried that I won't find someone else

because they're either all taken or crazy or think I'm too old, and that whether I want kids or not, I'll just run out of time for the option. I've looked into egg freezing, but it's so cost prohibitive and the current political climate makes it scary. I was never one of those people who thought I needed a man to feel happy in the whole marriage 2.5 kids white picket fence thing, but I do know after this experience that I want a partner, something I didn't know before I met him. Now I feel like I'm too old and it's too late, even though everyone tells me it's not, but I know a lot of women in their 40s and 50s who went through what I did at this

age and have pretty much been single ever since. I think I have to accept the possibility that it will just be me and my dog, but I'm not sure how to do that. Do you have any advice for getting to the point where you like yourself enough that being alone is okay and releasing the heteronormative misogynistic idea that doing so would make me a failure? Sincerely yours, Claire. Hi, Claire. Hi. Hi, this is our special guest, Tanks. Hi, Claire.

You have to have some healthier conversations with yourself. Do you have a therapist? Yes. Okay. Well, you need to start, first of all, you need to start getting up every day and writing positive things about yourself. Start writing things that you're grateful for about in your life. It could be your dog, it could be the air that you're breathing, it could be your face,

it could be your skin, it could be your sister. It could be anything. Just get up every morning and write down 10 things that you're happy about, because you need a vibe shift. And in about 15 days of doing that your vibe will shift and you need to get into the attitude of gratitude Instead of looking at what you don't have and what you lost

Well, I don't want to negate anything that happened to you That is heartbreaking that your husband left you for somebody he worked with and all of that is heartbreaking But you're also free from that that wasn't the person for you. You also free from that. That wasn't the person for you. You're free from that. That is a gift. You're 35 years young. 35 years old is nothing. Do not worry about what your age is.

Worry about your state of happiness and your state of self-love. You need to work on really, really getting to know who you are and what you want instead of meeting the expectations that you think the outside world has for you. Marriage and children, that's fine. You need to find out, do you really even want that?

Or is that something that you've been taught to want? Yeah, this is something that I've been working on with my therapist and like, you know, right after he left, I got a gratitude journal. I was like, this isn't working. And my therapist was like, nothing is going to work right now because of the trauma you just went through. So I've been thinking about taking that back up and trying to do like listening

to self-affirmations. It's just so hard to like believe them kind of at this point. It takes time to start the engine of gratitude. Like it takes, like Chelsea said, a few days, it takes some consistency. But I promise you, like I'm in a similar, I mean, ish boat. I'm 30. I'm about to be 35. I'm single. And I have to tell you, I'm in a similar, I mean, ish boat. I'm 30, I'm about to be 35. I'm single. And I have to tell you, a vibe shift is possible because I'm 35 and single. And I'm like, oh my God, I could do anything.

Like I literally could do anything. I'm so young. I don't know what I want. I'm open. Isn't that exciting? And like Chelsea said, you're free now to start again. And that is the most beautiful thing is like, you have the autonomy to make your life what you love.

And for me, I really resonate with a lot of what you say. You're like, oh, I don't know, maybe it will just be me. Am I okay on that? And anytime I get into that fuzzy space, I'm like, how can I make myself happier? That's not a selfish thought. That is the most important thing that we don't teach ourselves in this world.

You have to make yourself happy. You have to have to say okay what am I grateful for what am I going to do this weekend for me what am I how am I going to reframe my life and my energy to give myself love because you're right you have been through something traumatic to be cheated on to be left like that is a traumatic thing but it's over now and now you need to focus on yourself because there is so much good ahead of you. The best is 100% yet to come. You just have to start living in that space.

And I do agree. There is something about affirmations that like you do kind of have to fake it till you make it. You say them and they sound like bullshit until you say them enough times and they start to sound true and then you feel it. Like you've seen it in a hundred movies, right? It's absolutely true that it can feel, it's the same with meditation, it's the same with affirmations, it's same as writing down. Every morning I look in the mirror and say, hello, beautiful, what kind of shenanigans

are we going to get up to today? I say that to the mirror every single day and I fucking believe it because I'm like, who fucking knows what you're going to get up to today? And the thing is, yes, your trauma is your trauma. Everyone has their trauma. Something terrible happens to you. Every disaster in your life is a gift. And you have to look at it like the gift is ahead of you.

Don't you want to get it? Don't you want to get after it and find out what's waiting for you? Because there is a whole other life for you now. There's a whole other self exploration. I didn't find out who I was until I was like 42 years old. Like I didn't really get down to business until I really, I mean, and really went to therapy and started to understand my pain

and started to understand, oh, I don't even wanna, I mean, and I'm not saying this is gonna be you, but I'm like, wait, I don't even want a long-term partner. I want lots, like I had to admit that I wanted multiple partners, that I wanted lots of lovers, that I wanted, you know, I never wanted children so that wasn't an issue that I had to contend with. But like this is a growth curve for you, like this is a huge growth experience and you need to lean into it instead of being scared to go into it. You know what I mean? You need

to like dive headfirst and be like this is all about me. The next six months are all about me. What I like to do, when I want to do it, if you want to lie in bed all day and watch TV, do that. If you want to go out, with your friends and go on some crazy vacation, do that. If you want to spend your, join clubs or book clubs or a bowling club, whatever the fuck you want to do, do it. You know what I mean? You're free to do whatever you want. You don't have a partner limiting or prohibiting anything. Yeah, I've been doing all of that. I've gone on a couple of vacations this year

and been trying to do, I've joined some groups that I've been volunteering with and stuff. I think the hardest part for me is the mind shift thing. It's like, while I'm doing those things, my brain is still ruminating on like, well, you're doing this alone kind of thing. And I think that's the hardest hurdle for me.

And you're right. I just have to keep trying with the gratitude and the affirmations and stuff and the mind shift. But even moreover, I want you to picture that you have a daughter in like five years. You have a daughter and she gets to see this whole version of you. What do you want to show her? You know, what do you want to demonstrate for her? That you grabbed life by the balls and that you went after it and that you didn't sit there thinking about your ex and what

his girlfriend are doing. That's none of your business anymore. Okay. He's out of your life. And yes, while that is heartbreaking and traumatizing, you once you get through all of that murkiness, there is a whole big rainbow waiting for you I promise you so like just think about this little girl that is gonna come into your life at some point Okay, and how do you want her to see her mother and how do you want her to look at that time that she spent? After this yeah, and then make your decisions based on that That's really helpful. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. And how long ago was your breakup, by the way? About a year.

A year. Okay. So that's a fair amount of time to kind of wallow and feel, you know, shitty. Take this year mark and this phone call and, like, let's turn it around. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And start with the gratitudeing every morning. Write it down 10 times, write it on paper.

Don't write it in your notes section or on your computer. Write it down and leave it out. And every once in a while, go back and look, you know? And then you're gonna see this like progression of how you become happier. And you know, start meditating, even if it's just three minutes a day, just add it to your repertoire.

Like I wanna be, my pursuit is to be a happier person. My pursuit is to fall more and more in love with myself. And don't worry about the men. Just worry about yourself right now. Yeah. You said something a couple of minutes ago about like, I'm going through this alone. And it was a negative. But when things like that come out of your mouth, find a way to turn it into a positive. You get to go through this next year alone.

You get to do whatever the hell you want. You get to make all of the decisions for yourself and do what makes you happy. So like take opportunities to like turn stuff like that on its head. When you hear it in your head, when you hear it come out of your mouth, turn it around.

And the thinking of like, you know, the exes and all that stuff, I promise you down the road that will all come around for a full circle and you're going to and you're not going to care when it does. And so just imagine that time because it will happen. It always does. That's the way the world works. And karma is a real thing.

So keep yours healthy and be on your own team. Okay. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Okay. Thanks. Chin up. Be happy. Start smiling. Have a good one. Thank you. Okay. Bye. Yeah, she seems sad. Yeah. Yeah, I think this I think this will be the jumpstart she needs. Yeah. Yeah. Lots of people need a jumpstart.

Yeah, that's true. Okay, we'll take a quick break and we're gonna come back with one more caller and wrap up with tingsy winksy And we're back oh shit Sorry, sorry, I forgot well our last caller today is Ava she is 23 dear Chelsea I'm 20 years old and I live in California. I'm Californian, born and raised. I moved to LA about a month ago. I have a childhood friend whose life has taken

a lot of the same turns as mine. We went to the same college and are now both living in LA, not together though, and not intentionally. She's a dear friend and her good qualities are amazing, but her bad qualities often feel detrimental. She's a bit friend, and her good qualities are amazing, but her bad qualities often feel detrimental. She's a bit clingy and jealous. She gets butt hurt when I have plans with other friends that do not include her, even going as far as tracking my location and asking what I'm doing all the time.

I want to be inclusive, but I want to carve my own way in this new city and do not want to feel like I have a jealous boyfriend looking over my every move. I do not think her behavior is ill-intended, just a bit immature and lingering effects of some past issues of being left out. Due to her immaturity level, I would find it hard to have an honest conversation with her about this.

Since she's intertwined with my childhood and college friends, which is basically all of my friends, I do not see letting the friendship slip as an option. Please advise Ava. Hi, thanks for having me. This is the friendship slip as an option. Please advise Ava. Hi, thanks for having me. This is the best day ever. Hi. Oh, hi cutie.

Look how cute you are. This is Tanks, our special guest today. Hi, huge fan of both of you. Thanks for having me today. Sure thing, sure thing. So, I mean, you're gonna have to have a conversation with her. It's just a matter of how truthful the conversation will be.

So why is she tracking your location? I know we live together at once. And so that's kind of where the location thing came in. But yeah, it's tricky. I mean, I want to do my own thing and I want to, you know, carve my own way. And it's, it makes it very difficult. And I think that's what's hard is having that kind of conversation with honesty, but also with kindness. I just don't know how to find that balance. Yeah, I hear you.

I mean, it has to come from a very, very loving place with somebody who's delicate. Tynx, what are your thoughts? I don't know. I feel like this is so like, I completely understand I've been in similar situations like this. Also when you're 23, your friendships feel heightened and she's just like, she just loves you. She just wants to be around you all the time,

but you know, that's not your problem. You need to set this boundary. I think for me, I always try to approach conversations like this with at least a little bit of humor and lightness. So maybe it's like the next time she's like, why are you at this coffee shop without me? I think maybe the next time you see her just go, you know, like I, dude, I love you, but I can see other people without you. And it doesn't mean I love you any less.

Sometimes I just I go places without you, you know, kind of saying it in that way, lighthearted so that she doesn't feel like it's some big like sit down attack thing. Because again, it sounds like she is a little bit delicate. Yeah, absolutely. I love that. Thank you. Chelsea, what do you think? I would say because yeah, I mean, if the sit down conversation, I think that's great advice. I think if the sit down conversation, if she's too immature for that, which she probably is, then it's probably going to hurt her feelings and it's going to blow up to a point where you're going to

start to feel guilty about how you made her feel, which is like getting back to square one. So yeah, I would drop little hints like that the way Tynx is suggesting, you know, in a humorous way and be like, oh, okay, I don't know. We can't be attached at the hip. Yeah, we don't live together anymore. Like you know, you actually you don't need to track me. I don't want to like stress you out by me.

I don't want to stress you out by you seeing like what I'm doing all day. But obviously I have other people in my life, honey. I think the great line is, doesn't make me love you any less, but we're not like, I actually don't know how to sell someone who's so needy. Like I just could never fucking tolerate that shit.

You know what I mean? I know. It's so young 20s. I had the eye, because I lived with girls all throughout my 20s, and we had such relationships like that where it was like you get in the pattern of doing everything with them,

and then one day someone's like, oh, I'm going to get for you alone, and everyone's like, call the Royal Guard. What's happening? So it's just like, I think that the more like light and goofy you can do it is better because again, it's just, it does feel like an intense situation. So yeah, I think saying something like that

or saying, or like joking and being like, dude, if you don't stop tracking me, I am gonna stop sharing my location. Just like in a kind of a jokey like tone like that and just be like, like, you know, sometimes I like that. And just be like, you know, sometimes I just got to see the other people, you know? And be like, I have to go make memories so that I have gossip to tell you

when I come to see you next, you know? Always light, light, light with the tone. And you know, if she doesn't get the hint, if she takes it really seriously, then you know, it's time to go to square two. Totally. What about the idea of, Tynx, let me know what you girls think about this,

Catherine's YouTube, like what do you think about complaining about her? This is very passive aggressive, but what do you think about complaining about her qualities, pretending they're about someone else to her? Like, what about that? What if you're like, oh my God, this guy, you know, or one of my girlfriends, she's on me all the time. She texted me all the time. Like, what is

that approach? Like, can you believe she only wants me to hang out with her? That's crazy. Yeah, it's horrible. I think I've done that before. And I don't think I don't think the hint was really going through. Yeah, that's not pretty straightforward advice. I'm usually against kind of being passive aggressive. But like, sometimes with people people you have to be so special. Like, you know, you have to handle so delicately. It's exhausting.

Totally. Yeah. I love that though. Not a whole intervention. I think that feels super approachable. That feels great. Yeah. Like, I dress it when it comes up. And I also think like maybe today is the day we stop sharing location. What do we think, Gals? I don't know. How do you say that?

No, she'll freak out if you just remove it, then she'll freak out, like that's too much. Well, maybe you just, no, I don't know. Maybe you just say you removed everyone's like sharing location. Like you just realized that not everybody needs it except for your mom or your dad or whatever. Yeah, like I did a refresh.

I just did a refresh. Go, I didn't even think about it. I just was looked at, I was sharing locations with so many people. I just did a refresh. I took a breath. I didn't even think about it. I just was looked at. I was sharing locations with so many people. I just was like, why? This is not necessary. Yeah. Awesome, I love that.

Yeah, yeah, that's easy, I think, to do. I have to check out my locations because someone said something like that to me the other day and I'm like, how many people am I sharing locations with? And then I looked and it's like fucking 400 people, like three ex-boyfriends. I'm so stupid. I know.

Well, no, I mean, obviously no one's coming to get me. I mean, knock on wood. Anyway, thanks for calling in and I hope we were able to help. Tink was able to, Tink, Tink. Tix is her new name. I've decided it's a tick, like a summer tick. I'll leave you alone. A tick in the Hamptons.

She helped you though. So that's good. I love't leave you alone. A tick in the Hamptons. She helped you though. I love it. Thank you both so much. Good luck. Bye, babe. Thank you. Bye.

Thanks. Thanks. There's nothing I abhor more than needy friends. I cannot fucking handle it. I am not needy and I don't want you to need me. That's why I don't have fucking children. It turns me off. It's so like, yeah, it's just so annoying.

Like the neediness or insecurity and the friendship, it's really a turnoff for me and friends. I don't have any insecure friends. And the thing that I really hate is when friends get jealous of you hanging out with other. I had a friend who would get mad if I hung out with someone she introduced me to without her. I'm like, that's how people meet.

That's how people get introduced. You introduce, do you know how many people I've introduced that are best friends without me? Like, I fucking love that. Which is great. Leave me out of the equation. I don't care. Like, it's not a problem.

That's what you're supposed to do is connect people in life. Like you're supposed to introduce the people you love to each other and hopefully they make a connection. No, I take it as a point of pride when I see people that I've introduced hanging out together. That's good. Good people know good people. I love being a connector.

But when people get weird about it, I'm like, oh, for God's sakes, we're adults. Yeah, people are insecure. A lot of people are insecure. Most people are insecure. What's your love status right now, Tanks? Is anything happening in your neck of the woods? I'm single.

I mean, I'm going on a few dates, but I'm pretty single. I'm pretty happy. I'm honestly having the time of my life. Like I just got back from Miami with my friends. I'm about, my book's about to come out. Like it's good. I'm having a good time. And are you working with a dating coach?

She came on my podcast and she is like this, you know, really famous dating coach. And I said in the middle of it, oh, why don't you look at my dating profile and like tell me what you think in the middle of my podcast. She read me to filth. She was like, this is the worst dating app profile. Your pictures are too slutty.

This is too negative. We gotta change all this. Cause I said on there, I said, no one who will be intimidated. I travel a lot for work. I'm looking to have fun. And I'm like, you know, blah, blah, blah. And she was like, God, this is so,

but you know, at the end of the day, that's who I am. I do come in a bit like that. I'm very like, yeah, I'm like that. I'm like, don't do that. This is me. I like to have fun. And I do dress like a slut. So I feel like I should be honest about that. Yeah, don't do that. This is me. I like to have fun. And I do dress like a slut. So I feel like I should be honest about that.

Yeah, I agree with that. I think you put your like, right, you put your most honest foot forward. Even if that foot has two bunions, you're like, listen, this is me. This is who I am. And this is how it's going to be. Because then there shouldn't be any confusion. Exactly. I thought I was being honest. Yeah, I don't like people who come in and say, oh, no, you've got to do this. How would you know? Like, you're not a professional dater, obviously, because you're running a dating website or dating coaching, whatever it is. But I agree with that.

I think the honesty is always the best policy, which is why I just told that girl to lie to her friend. OK, so Hotter in the Hamptons is Tynx's new book. It comes out May 6th. It's gonna be available everywhere. It's available for pre-order. So please pre-order your book, enjoy it. It's time to get frisky in the summertime, everybody.

Okay, ladies. And thank you, Tynx. It was always a pleasure to see you. Always a pleasure. This was fabulous. Thank you. Thank you guys for having me. Have a pleasure to see you. Always a pleasure. This was fabulous. Thank you. Thank you guys for having me. Have a great day.

Bye. Do do do do do do. Drum roll, Catherine, please. And abroad, broad is my European tour. So I'm coming to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get the hell out of this fucking country. And it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Reykjavik, I'm coming to Dublin,

I'm coming to the UK, I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast, in May and June. I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna. Berlin, Barcelona, Lisbon. I'm coming. Abroad is abroad.

That sounds like fun. I'm gonna go see you abroad. I know, I wanna go see me abroad. And there I'll be, there I'll be. Excellent. Okay, my remaining dates for Vegas. There are remaining dates for this year. Summertime

is coming and I will be in Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July 5th. We will be the next date that I'm there. July 5th, August 30th, and then November 1st and 29th. November 1st and November 29th. I will be in Las Vegas at the Cosmo performing Inside Myself at the Chelsea. It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay? Thank you. Do you want advice from Chelsea?

Write into dearchelseapodcast at gmail.com. Find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com.