Dear Chelsea - If You're Not Nervous, You Don't Care with Topher Grace

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

Topher Grace is here to chat with Chelsea about career transitions and finally becoming an action star, why no one can tell him apart from Mark Wahlberg, and how he’s acing the whole ‘dad’ thing.  Then: World-traveling boomers have their daughter avoiding her phone.  A mom stresses that she’ll die suddenly and leave her kids alone.  And silly sexual encounters put one marriage in an awkward position.  * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Pre-Order Chelsea’s new book “I’ll Have What She’s Having” today! * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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That's P-A-R-T-E-E on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Catherine. Hi, Chelsea. What are we doing on YouTube now, Catherine? Airing our full episodes or clips? Yes. We have full episodes available on YouTube as well as some older episodes that we're putting out now. So check for the weekly episode.

They go up on Thursdays, just like the podcast. And we throw in an extra old episode for funsies. Great, great. Okay, yes. People ask all the time where they can watch the podcast. So now you can watch it, and it's the full episodes, right, Catherine? Yes, yeah.

Oh, great. This is awesome. Yeah, you're gonna love yeah. Oh, great. This is awesome. Yeah, you're gonna love it. Chelsea, I know you're here prepping for the Critics' Choice Awards and you've got your new book coming out if people want to pre-order it. I have a book coming out. I'll have what she's having ready for pre-order. Comes out on my 50th birthday, everybody, February 25th.

Well Topher Grace is here to talk about his new movie, Flight Risk, so let's just get into it, shall we? Topher, it's so nice to see you. Congratulations on your new movie. First of all, I wanna congratulate you on making such a transition. You have so many hats that you can play. You're a comedian, now you're an action star.

Well, you started out as a comedy actor, but you've done a lot more serious stuff since then. So I wanted to congratulate you on that full spectrum of work. Thank you. I don't think anyone thinks I'm an action star, Chelsea, but it was interesting when I got the call for this because I thought, oh my god, I'm actually

going to be in one of these. And then I remember thinking, I'm going to listen to the Mission Impossible theme song on the way to work. And I'm going to like, I tried going to the gym a little bit more. And then day one one I was like, oh, I'm not cut out for this.

But it's lucky because my character is kind of a wimp. Yes, first of all, a lot of interesting people are in the movie with you. The movie is directed by Mel Gibson. Is that who made, who called you to offer you the role, Mel Gibson? Yeah, I mean, and he knows from action movies and also, you know, kind of comedic action movies.

So I think he, there are a lot of directors who I've worked with, no matter what the genre, who are a little bit scared to you probably had experiences like this Chelsea, where it's like, you want to add some humor and they're like, Ooh, that's not the tone. And you go, I've seen action movies and horror movies, you know, that have great humor in it. But it really takes a master to know how to put something that's totally different than what would be in the trailer, like in the film. And then basically, my agents called and said, like, Mark Wahlberg is doing an action movie,

and there are only two other people in it. And you're gonna be one of them. And I went like, finally, you know, like, he must be dying to do that, you know, like, we've been talking for a long time, me and Mark. I'm sure, yeah. And we finally, we said, this is the one, you know what I mean? And similar physicalities as well. Well, that was our issue was, are people gonna be able to tell who's who?

Who is stronger. You know what I mean? Like, is it like, are these guys twins or like, what's up? So we finally, yeah, no, it was like a real journey for me. I'm sure it was like just another day at the office for Mark. It's nice to be on a set, I think, with a small group of people,

rather than having a massive set, because this takes place on a, most of the movie takes place on a smaller aircraft with a lot of mafiosa input. What's like genius about the idea, it was like a blacklist script. I remember, I read it actually before it was put together, is that it's like Life Raft or Lifeboat, you know, that Hitchcock movie where everyone's, you know, it all takes

place in one place. But the vistas are amazing. So you're like trapped in this little thing. But instead of being like in a phone booth or like a coffin or something, you're actually up above the Alaskan wilderness and there's incredible shots. And I knew even before we did it, like, oh, this could be both very intimate and very cinematic.

Did you get banged up during that shoot, shooting in a small, tiny space of an area, I would imagine that you would have- Yeah, it was awful. It was awful. Right, right. I got hurt just getting in the first day, because I realized you can't even stand up in that thing,

which is crazy. And then you're three stories up on a, the plane itself is on a gimbal that kind of rocks back and forth. And then- Please don't use that kind of language, Topher. What do you mean? You know what I mean, gimbal.

No, it's like a sex swing, but for a plane. So it's like, it lets it rock back and forth and do its own thing. Now we're talking my language. Thank you. And then not only that, it's surrounded by this thing called the volume, which is, you know, was created for the Mandalorian, which is like, uh, almost 180 degrees screen that the camera sees as being real. And they've shot footage already of this plane's journey over Alaska.

So it's like, and they shot it, you know, you think if you're going over Alaska, you'd shoot like four cameras, north, east, south and west. It's like they did eight cameras turn on their side, if that makes sense. So it had more information. So you could actually, the plane could fully dive, it could fully like rise up towards the sun. And like, I remember day one, I was like, oh, I'm totally plane sick. This is awful. And this is the first day of like three months. I mean, it fully feels like you're in a plane because the plane's bumping along and then you're watching the mountains go past you. And the good thing about that is there's very little acting required. You just kind of, you

know, just like yourself. Yeah, you just feel like it's happening. Yeah. Yeah. How do you feel like about when you think about your career and all the kind of different moves that you've made since the very beginning, I know that you got that 70 show like on your first audition, right? Yeah, it was just, it happened my first audition because they saw me in a high school play

and told me to come audition. The short version of the story is I was in a high school play that was bad, but it was so bad that we improvised a lot. And I think this girl who did the sets, her parents were these big TV producers. And they said, when you go to USC next year, can we call you? And I was such a dick about it. I was like, I didn't know what they even meant. So I was like, yeah, let's go to Spago. Like have your people call my people. And then they did actually call me. And, and I guess they've been through

every kid in Hollywood, and everyone was too cool. And they wanted a real fucking nerd. Like a real like, right, like fresh off the tree nerd. And that was my reality at that time. And then also, I remember, I knew nothing about Hollywood. They said, I mean, the great story from that is, she said, bring a headshot and a resume. And I was like, okay, I know what a resume is because I worked at Dunkin' Donuts and at Suncoast Video, but what is a headshot?

And she was like, it's like a picture that goes with your resume so we know who you are. And I was like, got it. And when I came to the audition, it was like, I brought a picture of me with my friends at Six Flags. It's like, and I circled my name. Of you working at Dunkin' Donuts. I was like, well, that sounds like it would be,

that would track. No, it was just me and my friends. It wasn't like the one on the roller coaster where you're like, you know, whatever, but it was like us in the parking lot. And they were like, what, who is this kid? But they were really ballsy. They kept all those kids, you know,

Ashton had never worked before and Laura had never worked. We all started work on the same day. It was crazy. Wilmer didn't even speak English really. Really? Oh, that's so fun. I mean, it's so fun to like go through that experience,

all of you together, you know, to kind of come up and learn all of that together, like in a class, because that's essentially what it ended up being was kind of like an acting class for a lot of you. Yes, and what's great about a sitcom is you, when you're bad, which I was at the beginning, you get to come back the next week and do it again.

And then to your point about doing things that are in different genres, you then you have the summer off. And so the first thing I did was traffic, if you remember that movie, which is like totally, totally the opposite. And then you get to still come back and do the show. So you have a real home base and you kind of,

it was amazing. It's like a trade school now that I think about it. I know it kind of sounds like one. So when you think back and look at like all of the different things you've done, like, did you even want to be an actor when you were that age or did you just kind of fall into it? You know someone just asked me that question recently on this press tour and I was like they said when did you start

like enjoying it and I was like oh certainly not at the beginning because I was so I mean look I liked acting in high school that's why I did it and I was tickled that I was gonna be doing it in front of like millions of people but I was also like terrified. That's bad you know you go that's why I did it. And I was tickled that I was going to be doing it in front of like millions of people. But I was also like terrified. That's bad. You know, you go, that scene I just did 11 million people are going to watch that. Like, and I've only been in a high school play. It was crazy. And then I certainly didn't think, which is the truth, it would still be running today. I mean, it's like, it was so much pressure. Somewhere around the second season, I like chilled out a little bit and started to kind of just enjoy myself and not be so nervous.

But I'm still waiting. You know, whenever I finally think I'm good, then I'll like really relax. Yeah. Do you still get nervous when you go on sets and it's like the first couple of days? Is that always a thing? Yeah. Don't you? I mean, I think day one is always tough, I think, for everybody.

Yeah. I would say so. I mean, if you, for everybody. Yeah, I would say so. I mean, if you didn't, there might be something wrong with you. Like you have to care, right? And in order to being nervous or being like, you know, excited. No, you're right.

It's about caring. It's about caring a lot and you want it to be great. And you're not in your groove with the other. It's really cause it's a new group of people. Like when I went back to do the, just the first episode of that 90s show and Laura Prepon, our friend, was on it and I wasn't nervous at all with her because she's like my homie. I've been working with her forever, you know. Right. There's like two things happening. A, you're like trying to make friends with people like

the first day of school, right? And then B, you're trying to be professional. You have to find allies, like people who are gonna back you up. Like whenever I'm in a new environment, I'm like, okay, who are my people? Who are the people that I'm gonna be hanging out with? And then- Chelsea, I can't imagine you nervous.

It's like everyone who's listening right now, I would play the guy who is nervous on the first day. The idea of you being nervous, when are you nervous? Well, I mean, we're all nervous. I just- No, no, Chelsea, I'm talking about you. Like you are such a baller. I have definitely been nervous. When are you nervous? Well, I mean, we're all nervous. I don't know, Chelsea, I'm talking about you. Like you are such a baller. I have definitely been nervous. I have definitely been nervous. When were you the most nervous in your in your professional

career? The most nervous. I mean, I started to look at nerves as a good thing. And then when I started to understand that nerves mean that you care, then I welcomed the nerves, and then all of a sudden I never got nervous again. So it's a very strange cycle. Once you kind of acknowledge a negative feeling that you think or that you have labeled negative,

I think then that can end up being a really good tool for you to understand it, right? But I have been nervous plenty of times where I was sweating before I had to walk out stage in front of thousands of people or had diarrhea because of my nerves. Also a good luck, I always think that's good luck too. When you start doing standup,

everyone's like, if you have to go to the bathroom before you go on stage, that's a good sign. I'm like, what do you mean go to the bathroom? Like number one, or like no number two? I'm like, oh my God, this is the career that I've chosen? That's a good luck sign? I feel the same way with acting. I know a take was great when I shit myself.

You know you're invested. I go cut and print. You know that? And I have to take a 10-1. Yeah, well, you're not alone. 10-1. Yeah, 10-1 is code, everybody, for going to the bathroom on a professional Hollywood set,

or an unprofessional one, really. They have 10-1 and 10-2. 10-2 means you're going to Shadoob. Oh, is that true? No, really. They have 10.1 and 10.2. 10.2 means you're going to do. Oh, is that true? No, it's not. I just made that up. I mean, I didn't know that, but I'm going to start using that. So back to the question that I keep trying to ask you that I never really get an answer to or I'm not asking properly is, you know, I talked to so many people and so many people are really happy with with the career choices that they've made. And so many people are happily surprised by their career choices and where they end up.

And some people, I was talking to Brooke Shields recently on an episode and she said something really powerful and really honest. And I haven't heard a lot of people say that. So it's a question that I'm going to start asking more people is when you think about the what ifs, the things that you didn't do that maybe you wished you had or the regrets that you have, like do you ever see yourself in a different way? Like would you see yourself having a different kind

of career or are you so thrilled and grateful about the career that you do have as unexpected as it may have been? Well, yeah, in a macro sense, I'm so glad I fell into acting because it's the coolest job ever. And I understand how, you know, I have a lot of friends. I went to boarding school, so I have a lot of very close friends

from my high school experience, and their jobs don't sound as much fun to me when we talk about them. But within Hollywood, yeah, I can see how people are bummed sometimes with the lane that they've been or they feel like they're in or they've been put in or they can't get out. Yeah, I remember thinking I had a real luxury not just in like hitting the lottery and like getting the first thing I auditioned for it. But then also the show was, you know, did so well.

And it afforded me so many opportunities. I remember thinking towards the end a lot about what kind of career I wanted to have. And this is, for me, exactly what I wanted to, whatever chips I got from doing 70s, like this is how I wanted to spend them. And, you know, some people, especially some agents might think like I made the wrong choice, because like, the smartest thing to do, I think, if you want to make money in this career is kind of do about that, but also something a little redundant about it is I wanted to be in big blockbusters and tiny, you know, shoestring independent budget films. And I wanted to play good guys. I really want to play bad guys and be in comedies

and being drama. I want to have a passport to everywhere because I wanted to still be interested, literally the age I am now, like still really hungry and interested in acting. I don't know if you've noticed, but I feel like a lot of people kind of around my age like start to like peel off and like not act as much or not enjoy it as much when they're doing it

or it feels like a factory to them or something. And I, no one loves their career more than I do. I'm just so grateful. I love to hear that. Well, you know, this movie's the great example. I think when they tested it, no one knew until halfway through if I was a good guy or a bad guy. And that made me so happy that no one just assumed I was,

that's literally why I was cast. Cause no one knew who I was gonna be. And that made me thrilled. Yeah. was, I mean, that's literally why I was cast, because no one knew who I was gonna be, and that made me thrilled. Yeah, well, I mean, you played the ultimate bad guy in Black Klansman, and so you played David Duke, so that was very surprising to a lot of people, because nobody expected that from you. And I think what you're saying is really true

about like this movie, which is called Flight Risk, by the way, I don't think we've mentioned the name of the movie. I think you allow yourself a lot more opportunities when you're creatively conscious about the decisions you're making. And I think what you said about being on that 70s show for seven years, you know, seven years is a true itch moment.

That's why it's called the seven year itch. I did Chelsea Lately for seven years and I had to itch my way out. I was like, I can't say this again for another year. And seven years is like the amount of time I think Trevor Noah did the Daily Show. I think seven years is a very seminal kind of framework of time where you are kind of like, okay, I've got this.

I actually did the math. I think if you, this is a while ago, so I'm a little fuzzy on it, but I think that is 10,000 hours. Oh, really, really? Seven years is 10,000 hours? Yeah. Of like a work day?

Of like, oh, if you do work days and you do it, I was like really trying to do it with a friend of mine. I was like, Oh, if you do work days and you do it, I was like, really trying to do it with a friend of mine. I was like, Oh, I think that's why that itch happens. It's not just like you're also, I think there's some back like after seven years, all your cells, except for a couple of like stem cells have regenerated and you're literally an entirely different human. But I also think maybe you've kind of mastered something. And it's

like, you write more of it. But it's like you could do more of it but it's like to me the thing that keeps like I'm more interested in acting now and like techniques and trying things than I was when I started and I think the only reason that's true is because the next project I did after this it's this Glenn Powell movie but I'm like I'm insane in it. You play his lover, you play Glenn Powell's lover. Thank goodness. He wishes, he wishes. No, I mean, you know, words out on him, but he's really great.

But then the next thing, I'm a total good guy, and I'm totally earnest, and it's just different muscles each time, and I just, I'm still in love with it. Yeah, and you're normal, you're not eccentric, you're not like a weirdo or somebody who takes themselves really seriously. I mean, I mean that as a compliment,

it makes you much more attractive when actors who take themselves very seriously, it's a little bit of a hard pill to swallow for someone like me, I shouldn't speak for all women, but I find it to be a big ache. Yeah, I think the Academy feels differently about that, but I agree. Right, exactly.

And you've managed to have a normal, healthy marriage and children, how many children do you have? Two or three? Three. Three, what are their ages? We got a two-year-old, we got a four-year-old, and we got a seven-year-old, and it's a lot. Yeah, that is a lot at those ages.

Good for you and good for your wife. I'm sure that she is- Doing most of it? Yes, right. I'm sure that she is- Doing most of it? Yes, right. Yes, I'm sure that she's doing all of it. It's so crazy to think about people who have children to raise, especially as a single woman.

Like when I hear about people having three children, I'm just like, how is that fucking possible? And I talk about this all the time because I cannot wrap my head around how you can take care of so many people's lives Every day. Well, I'm sure we're screwing it all up every day. But uh, you know she truly I know this is the part where every one gets corny talking about their partner, but like my wife's amazing and Once or twice I've had dreams where she's like died or something and the nightmare is not just

that she died but then like my kids would be like and who are you like like you're terrible like like your your wife's you know like a mom was great like you're just awful so we just gotta she's gotta hang in there for another couple years yeah just a couple but your wife actually like is so cool when we were researching this episode, she's a social justice warrior, she's outspoken. And I mean, like she's a very cool woman. She is a professor of child development and child abuse and neglect.

And yes, she is very involved politically. And she's like, I hesitate to talk about her so much on these, because I feel like I start getting into like my wedding vows and then like, I'm like, how much is too much? But I am really amazed by her all the time. And like, you know that thing where you don't want to be the smartest person in the room?

You know, you go, this is probably bad because I'm like the smartest person here. I never have that problem at home. Do you feel like you're delivering? I mean, I'm sure you're going to make a joke about not delivering as a father or a husband, but how do you judge yourself in a totally serious way about your parenting and your husband? I wanted to say husbandry, but that's not accurate. About your husbanding.

Your husbanding, yes. Well, of course, you'd have to ask my kids or my wife, but I would say perfect husband in every way and Perfect dad. Yeah, I did it. Wow, that's 10 out of 10. Yeah I thought about it and I went yeah No, it's like I now realize like all the cliches are true but the act of being a dad and a husband, you know being in a family and all the craziness is like You're going to fail. It's almost like, you were talking about being nervous

the first day of work, it's like you care so much about something that you're going to mess up and you just have to keep going, even if you're not the best at it. Because I don't think anyone's like the best. No, I mean, how could you be? I mean, it's like, you don't know what you're doing. Unless you have like 15 children, and by that point, you could you be? I mean, it's like, you're not, you don't know what you're doing, unless you have like 15 children.

And by that point, you can't be killing it anyway, because you're so fucking exhausted and old. That's right. If you have 15 kids and you send your kids to boarding school at five, then like by the fifth kid, you'd be like, okay, I got this. But it's just, you're learning and trying and, you know, my folks were amazing and they're still together.

They live out here and I'm like wow that's cool yeah we just went to their 50th wedding anniversary and I like I can't complain they were unbelievable but even places where they they might feel like they weren't great you go as long as you care a lot and you're trying your hardest yeah I think you can see that yeah that's true okay on that note we going to take a break and we'll be right back with Jo for Grace. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry.

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And we're back with Topher Grace. We are back. We have some good questions for you today. I think this is gonna be a fun time. We'll start with a caller actually, because we gotta get her, she's stepped out of class, so she's gonna be here with us. Is it a step class? Okay, so this is Anna.

She's 32. Dear Chelsea, please help me be sexy again. Uh-oh. My husband and I have been married for five years and together for nine. We've always had great raw sex. In fact, the first time we ever hooked up, I was supposed to be a one-night stand, but here we are all these years later. Because you were so good at bed. Look at you now. And so smart. Continuing education. Currently we have a healthy sex life around once or twice a week. I

also give a courtesy thanks for paying the rent blow job at least once every month since I don't contribute. Here's the issue. There's no issue already. Fantastic. Here's the issue. I've become so casual with my partner during sex, I sometimes get sidetracked while mid-deed and I say dumb jokes, talk about things in our day, or when I try to be sexy, I straight up cannot take myself seriously and end up laughing hysterically. My husband knows I'm goofy and weird. However, he has mentioned to me multiple times after sex that although he thinks I'm adorable

and awkward, that he wishes I would be a little sexier sometimes. For this, I can't blame him. I find that if I'm buzzed, I'm able to get out of my head and be more present. If I'm sober, I get super awkward and cannot shut the hell up. Do you have any helpful advice for me to be a little more sexy and a little less awkward? I'm annoying myself with all the terrible jokes and things I say in bed.

We'll take any help I can get. Anna. Hi, Anna. Hi, how are you? Hi, we have sex therapist, Jo for Grace, here today to help you with all of your problems. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much.

I hope you can fix everything. I don't know if I need a gag or something. I mean. I think you just need, I just think you've probably been with the same person for a long time and you're kind of like really comfortable with him. And you probably just need to kind of take

a couple steps back and actually get to know your body and not in that corny, gross way, actually like get to know your body, you've changed. We were just talking about how you change every seven years and that's true. You get a seven year itch, your body changes, all your cells pretty much die after seven years and you have a regrowth.

So like that warrants a regrowth in all areas of your life. And if you're feeling kind of like nervous or silly around the person that loves you the most or then that you love the most and that you do wanna have sex with, that just sounds like you're kind of in nervous or silly around the person that loves you the most or then that you love the most and that you do want to have sex with, that just sounds like you're kind of in a little bit of a rut and that you can easily get yourself out of with some like positive self-talk, some a little bit more like you know sexiness that's natural and not forced because that is awkward. Who wants to be

like forced into sexiness? Like I think the sexiest thing is when two people can be just completely natural together and no one has to act sexy at all. You just kind of happens, you know what I mean? You have natural chemistry that just kind of sounds like it needs to be reignited. How long have you guys been together? Almost 10 years actually.

Okay, well there you go. That's exactly right. This has probably been going on for exactly three years. Yeah, and I typically like we have a lot of morning sex because I, at nighttime, I am a lost soul. Like I'm tired. I do not feel like moving. So I'm very much a morning person, sex person.

And I think that a lot of the times too, like I'm going through a checklist of like what I'm doing in the day. And I like, yeah, like I'm in my 30s now. I just don't feel like my young self like when we first met, like we had a lot of spontaneous sex like you're saying. So now it's like scheduled sex and it's like, okay, like my husband works 24 hour shifts. So we like have really off schedule. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to see you in this window. So like So let's try to do it then.

And I think that as an adult, it just doesn't get very, it's not really fun anymore. It's, I don't know, yeah. We don't have a lot of, yeah, spontaneity anymore. I think, I don't wouldn't worry so much about the spontaneity as I would worry about being present. You just need to work on being present while you're having sex with your husband

and that will yield its own like benefits. Like that, you know, you're in your head, you're thinking about your day and there's nothing wrong with that. That's what lots of people are doing during sex. But you just have to like refocus your energy, like take some time every day to either write down like, you know, stuff in a journal, either meditate,

something that's just gonna force you to be present for five to 10 minutes each day, and then habituate that. And that becomes your habit. And that way you can kind of connect more during sex. You know what I mean? This isn't a huge, terrible issue. It's just like a little bump in the road, and once you get past it, you're gonna be like,

oh wow, this is cool, what else can I tackle? Yeah, no, definitely agree, yeah. I don't know if this will help. You know, I've been married, I've been with my wife almost the same amount of time. But, and this is just coming from an actor, right? So don't take this from a sexual icon. This is just coming from an actor.

But I, one time I was on the set of a film. Okay. And I had to start yelling in the middle of the scene. And I'm not really a yeller in real life. I just don't like yelling at people. And it felt a little stupid to just start screaming. And I was like, I don't wanna just like start yelling. And the guy was like, just yell at that part.

And I was like, why would I start yelling? And he told me this great quote, which he said, this is the director talking, but he said, as an actor, I'm a Catholic. And I said, what does that mean? He said, I just believe 100% no matter what. And what he meant was start yelling first, and then you'll be yelling, and then you'll be yelling,

and it'll start to feel real. And it's right, I just started yelling, it felt like really stupid and fake. And then the next take, I was like, it just felt more, you know, like I was more into it. So I don't know if that helps, but. It's like fake it till I make it? Yeah.

Yeah, you fake it a little bit, you know, to get into the role sometimes. And I guess some of it, I mean, it shouldn't all be acting, but some of it is a little bit of a, you're playing a role, you know? No, I agree, it shouldn't all be acting, but some of it is a little bit of a, you're playing a role, you know? No, I agree. Okay. I read a while back that like some people are, when they're in like a sexual mode, they

go into sort of this nonverbal part of their brain. And some people like don't like talking. They don't want to be talked to. Some people want to talk a lot. And I think, you know, fun sometimes, but something that this article said to try was like, try daring yourself to like not talk the whole time or like not talk once you get into like the steamy part and like just focus

on the sensations in your body. And it's like kind of revolutionary. Like you don't have to do that every time, but if you're like, I'm gonna be sexy today, maybe that's something to try. And try maybe singing the whole time. I don't know. I mean, yes.

No talking though, just singing. No talking, no talking, only singing. But I think that's a good, like just don't say anything. You know what I mean? Really just try to just zip it and see what comes out of that. That might be a much more enjoyable experience for yourself as well. I think so.

I think that's a lot of it is that I just can't shut up. So yeah. And I think women also want men to know, okay, yes, we like this. You're doing a good job. It's kind of like ego stroking that the whole kind of talking in bed a lot is to kind of keep them going and like let them know.

But it's also nice to not do any of that. Like you don't have to do that. You don't have to perform for him. You're already having like sex together. So you don't have to like put on a show. So yeah, I would try to be silent for a few times and see how that makes you feel afterward. I like that idea a lot because I do think it is performative. And like, as a female, you're right, like you just really want to validate your partner and that's part of trying to get them come along like that you're making sure they're enjoying it.

But yeah, especially with someone that I've been with for so long, like he knows that I'm with him. Like there's nothing more I can really do at this point. So I think being quiet is a good thing actually. Quiet and mindful, like really focusing on it. Quiet and present. Let's work on those two things first.

OK, I like that. I remember once having sex with a guy and I looked up. What was I doing to him? Maybe I was going down on him, but that doesn't really sound like me. Anyway, I looked up and he was taking a sip of a beer. And I remember going, excuse me, what are you doing? And he's like, oh my god, I can't believe you caught that. Oh yeah, I was going, excuse me, what are you doing? And he's like, Oh my God,

I can't believe you caught that. Oh yeah, I was going down on him because obviously, and he, and I'm like, I was just about to give you the greatest blowjob. He's like, I know that's why I took a sip of the beer. This was going to be so exciting. I'm like, yeah, but you ruined it. Can't just be fucking drinking beer while I'm blowing you. Anyway, that was the last time I gave a blowjob, but it sounds like you're pretty consistent with those too. Yeah, I think that's why he married me. So, okay.

Doing a great job on that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thanks for calling in on a good luck with everything. I'm sure you're fine. Okay. Thank you so much. Report back.

Okay, we'll do fine. Well, that was uplifting guys. Yeah, I like when people have I like when people have minor problems, you know what I mean? That are easily fixable. So fixable. Yeah, easily tended to. Yes.

Okay, well, our next question, this is just an email. Dear Chelsea, I'm a divorced mom to an eight-year-old boy and a four-year-old girl. The kid's dad is still in the picture and has them every other weekend, but I'm the primary parent and breadwinner. I'm also an older mom and I had my youngest at 41,

so I'm 45 now. I love being a mom and my divorce was the best thing my ex and I ever did for our kids. My biggest problem is major anxiety about dying and leaving my kids, especially when they're still so young. At least a few times a year, I find something physical to freak out about

and go down the path of seeing doctors and getting tested for all sorts of things. So far I've been cleared, but I'm recently having some pain and a comment by an X-ray tech has me reeling that I might have bone cancer and I'll be dead while they still need me. Again, I don't have a diagnosis

and that one is extremely rare. Hearing stories about others losing their moms makes my fear even greater. It seems like such an intense trauma that follows people throughout their lives. Ideally, I'd love someone to tell me I'm not going to die until they're much older, but really what I want to know

is that they will be okay if I do. I have general anxiety and I'm being treated by a doctor and see a therapist, so I'm not in danger, but these thoughts are all consuming anytime something comes up with my health. Thanks, B. God, wow. So I'm not in danger, but these thoughts are all consuming anytime something comes up with my health. Thanks, B. Mm, God, wow.

I'm kind of regretting bringing up that whole thing about my wife. Your wife, well, actually, yeah, yeah, exactly. And I was like, pick the right question there. I meant it a little more lighthearted, so sorry. What's the- B is the person's, yeah. I think you actually just have to make a decision in life,

whether you are going to live in fear or you are going to be present. And when you're living in fear, then any single thing can trigger you. And it's not the easiest place to arrive at per se, if you are a fearful person, to become unfearful and to start to trust the universe, to trust your health, to trust the world,

that everything's gonna work out in your favor, because that's kind of an empty thought too, but not once you get on that train. Once you get on that train, you're like, okay, what if I do have this? What are the steps that I will have to take with this? Like, you're not even there yet. You're starting to think about things before they happen,

which I think can actually bring negativity into your life rather than pushing it out of your life and keeping it out of your life. You wanna bring in positivity. So you have to get up every morning and start like giving some affirmations like to yourself that you're healthy, that you're a great mother, that you're taking care of your children,

that you're safe, that your family is safe, and keep reinforcing that kind of stuff every morning into your psyche so that you can go throughout your day living in the moment that you're in without being paranoid about what or might, could or could not happen because we could all choose to do that, but what are you going to get out of that in your life? You're not going to have the life that you need. And I know it's not something that you can just, a light that you can turn on and off, but there is work that you can do

with positive affirmations, with reading about books like Letting Go or Let Them with Mel Robbins. Reading things that are gonna make you understand that it is more powerful to be positive and that you attract more positive energy when you're in that head space rather than living in a fearful head space.

Because, okay, so you pass away, that's the worst possible case scenario. Your kids are going to survive, and they're going to be raised, and they're going to live. So then what? So you play that all out, they'll be devastated, they'll be sad that their mom is gone,

and they'll grow up, and then they'll have their families of their own. So there's no payoff to you being so fearful. There's no great payoff. It's only taking away from your life. So I would really just start talking to yourself in a different way. And Topher, is this like a fear that every parent has?

Like, I feel like that's something that I hear. And I wonder if that's- Yeah, my wife, I think she would if she was here, agree with me that since she's had kids, you know, it's like, she makes me check the locks on the doors more at night, and she makes me go in and check on the kids. Yeah, some of it's like, I think she would say even not 100% rational, but it's like, I would tell B, maybe that's a really great sign that she's a

great mom, because she cares so much about her kids and about their experience. And I agree with everything you just said, Chelsea, it's kind of maybe she should sit in a place of a little more gratitude. You know, it's almost like going against gratitude to worry about it, too, where it's taking away from your relationship with your kids. But I do think it's a natural instinct to, once you have kids be like, irrationally caring about what their experience is gonna be. So it's ultimately, I think, a good thing.

Yeah. And to go back to what Chelsea was saying, it's like, what you focus on expands. So if you can take these thoughts that are gonna come up, like, oh my gosh, what if I get sick? Oh my gosh, what if I die? And you tell yourself, like, you know what? I'm gonna focus on the positive version of that.

Like, what if I stay healthy? What if I'm 95 and I have great grandkids when I die? Then giving yourself some affirmations of like, I'm living healthfully, I'm gonna do great. Like flip the switch because our brains are plastic and if you start doing that, it'll start to become automatic. Yeah, for every negative thought,

there's an opposing opposite thought that you can implant into your head and say, okay, I'm worried about dying. I'm actually gonna live until I'm 95, just like Catherine said. Match the opposite thought to every negative thought you have and start repeating those thoughts in your head. And I guarantee you, you'll feel a difference right away,

probably in days, but it's a practice you have to keep doing. And I think what happens to many of us is when we start to improve our lives spiritually, or we wanna be more connected and more present, and with everything we do, when things are going well, we forget to practice all the stuff that made us kind of wake up in the first place. So the important thing is when things are going well,

to continue to give yourself these affirm things are going well to continue to give yourself these affirmations every morning to continue to do the meditation or counseling or whatever work is going to bring you towards being the best version of yourself and doing that work even when things are going really well. Well our next question and this actually is from Laura. Laura Prepon, perfect we both, we're just talking about her. Damn, different Laura, but she says, "'Dear Chelsea, my mom and dad are retired "'and they've gotten into the luxury travel game.

"'Over the past couple of years, "'they've taken some super long luxe trips, "'including a whole month in Africa "'that included multiple safaris.'" Sounds like somebody's jealous. Yes. Yes. "'My dad texts me starting when they leave for the airport and sends constant photos and daily recaps,

exhaustive ones of their excursions. He copies and pastes these messages to his brothers, friends, and others. It is, to put it mildly, a bit much. These texts never ask how I'm doing, if I'm OK, or what my family is up to. I literally never respond. The last time they were away, he said he was waiting for the rental car to go home and then he never bothered to tell me they got back safely and I was worried.

Is there a way to tell him to knock it off? I'm exasperated, especially because he cannot read the room and doesn't bother to consider whether I even want these excessive updates. I don't text every day when we're in the same country and his behavior just really bothers me. Thanks, Laura. That's really funny, Laura. I totally feel you. There's nothing more annoying than a long update

all the time about something you don't give a shit about. You're like, you should just, you should send him the definition of a narcissist or send him the definition of what it's like when someone constantly talks about themselves and never asks you questions about you and be like, does this sound like anyone you know? I would do something like that to someone when they are that clueless, but it won't make a difference because he's an older guy and he's stuck in his ways and he probably thinks, you know, he's sharing all of this wonderful magic with everybody. You know, he's like, Oh, look, but I'm totally with you. It's fucking annoying. It's boomers.

Thank you. It's boomers, Laura. What, that generation, imagine being in that generation. I mean, of course they're spoiled. They got to have Christmas morning as a kid in the 50s. Right? Then they got to have their teenage years in the 60s, like Woodstock and like, you know, like the whole way,

you know, Question and everything. Then they got to like, be like having, like mating and having kids in the 80s. And it's like, you know, like it's, everyone's getting the best Christmas, their kids are getting the best Christmas presents cause the, you know, it's like a boom for our country. And then right at the end now, they're like,

oh, sorry, we used up every natural resource piece. We're out. Yeah. Yeah. Can I actually like incentives and none of the bad stuff. Yeah, exactly. We're gonna go to Africa and shoot the last couple of, you know, these species and then we're gonna get and then I'm gonna die. Yeah, you can't even leave the group chat because he's like individually sending these to everybody, right? I thought I almost responded with just the word unsubscribe, but I didn't have the nerves. I typed it out once and I was like, this would be a problem.

And you've never said anything to him or your mother? Have you said anything to your mom? So they share a cell phone. Oh, that's how boomer they are. Oh, it's so annoying. I never know who's texting me. Oh, so you don't even know how much that bothers me. Sometimes they'll sign it like love you dad. But other times they don't. It's really irritating. I feel like this might be a moment to like introduce your parents to the joys and curses of social media. Here's where you can put all your updates and people can respond or not. That's right.

She is their social media. That's the problem. I know. The thing is, they seem to treat it like Facebook. And then my dad, after they get home, he will put all the same stuff that he texts to me up on Facebook. And I've had my best friend from childhood. It's like, I love it that your dad does that.

And I'm like, oh my God, you're the one who reads it. Yeah. But that's a perfect example. You can say, dad, you're texting me the same stuff that you put on Facebook. Like I can just see it on Facebook. You don't have to waste your time texting everybody. Everybody's looking.

I mean, that's a nicer way to say it. That's true. I mean, if you want nicer way to say it. That's true. I mean, if you want to be nice about it, I would just immediately, I would be very honest about it because I find it completely intolerable when people act like that, you know, especially when you're his kid and he's not even fucking asking about you.

It's like, hello, I have a family. It's so ostentatious. I just, I've muted the thread. I've done all the things. I try to like not even look at it. But the last time when when I didn't even know they were home from Africa, I kind of lost it. Why am I even looking at this? Like, with? Yeah, they don't even care. for that. Like, I don't even know what the point is, because they can't hear you, you know, people that age are like so ingrained in what they think is appropriate, and that the gifts they're bestowing on all of us by sharing their travels and, and so I don't know, and you seem nice. So it's gonna be like a difficult, a difficult interaction. But there are,

I got it, do yourself a favor, spend, you know, play the long game and spend your inheritance on a wonderful trip to Africa. There you go. There you go. Or you can tell them that they've posted so much about Africa that they've actually turned you off of Africa. Yeah, now I don't even have to go. That's right, that's right. We solved it.

Yeah. Do you have siblings? Yeah, I have a sister. Oh, so do you guys commiserate together about it? No, I asked her once if the sharing a cell phone thing bothered her and it didn't. Just sounds like you need to get a new family or rent a family.

I kind of do, yeah. Do you know any nice parents? Yeah, I do actually. I know I love old people. So I love a lot. I'm friends with a lot of my friends' parents and I will be on the lookout for you, absolutely. You can shoot them my number, yeah.

Yeah, are you married? Yeah. Okay, well, attack yourself. My in-laws are great. Great, great, go with them, go with God. Yeah. I feel like if you are gonna say anything, just take a teasing tone and be like,

oh my God, mom and dad, you gotta stop doing this. It's so silly, but like tease them about it. Like I had to have a whole conversation with my mom about like, you can't just text me, call me period, because then I think someone is dead. And it took like- Oh, you had to tell her? Oh.

Like 10 times, but she finally got it. Now she says, call me period, nothing bad. So it's an improvement. That's phenomenal. I also think you should focus on the fact that you have a great set of in-laws you just said. Not many people can say that. You can't have awesome parents and awesome in-laws. So I think you should just count your blessings and focus on where the gratitude should come in. You know what? That's fantastic advice. Yeah. And if they end, if you do want to bring it up to your parents,

you can be like, just so you know, you're pushing me closer to my in-laws. That'll get them to stop. Oh, it would. It would. Yeah, for sure. But anyway, thanks for calling in. Thank you so much. Bye bye. OK, we'll be right back with Topher Grace. We want to speak out. We want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop.

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And then everybody else want to get pissed off because the white said it was okay. Problem. My oldest daughter, her first day of ninth grade, and I called to ask how I was doing. She was like, oh, Dad, all they were doing was talking about your thing in class. I ruined my baby's first day of high school.

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And we're back with Topher Grace. Topher Grace. I can say it three times. Who is promoting his movie, Flight Risk, you guys. I just want to make sure that we get that name out there. Where can people watch Flight Risk, Topher? In the movie theaters. It's one of those ones that went to the movie theaters.

Back to the movie theaters, all these movies and theaters again. It's a very exciting time to be alive. It definitely is. Yeah. Well, do we have time for a quickie, like a two minute? Sure, let's do a quickie on our way out. All right.

Dear Chelsea, my lovely boyfriend of two years is on Tinder from time to time. And he says he's not doing much on there, not meeting anyone. We are together all the time at his place. He cooks for me, he fixed the roof, cleaned my gutters. My friends think he's great. We get on really well.

We're both divorced with kids. I've never met his 10-year-old son. Our sex life is great. Why get on really well. We're both divorced with kids. I've never met his 10 year old son Our sex life is great. Why is he sabotaging things? He has no friends at all and he's a bit of a loner who watches a lot of TV scrolling etc He has a screen problem. Am I minimizing what he's doing? Yes, I found he's on there twice now and one time he told me he was a bit drunk and looked on it I can't talk to friends about it really because the two male friends I've told have said dump him straight away. No one's perfect but now I'm finding myself wondering if he's on there behind my back. Either I forgive him after

he said sorry and move on, done this three times now, or I go on there myself and find someone new. I really like him though. He's really hot. He's just a bit introverted. Right, Teresa? You're wrong, Teresa. Topher, can you just handle this from a male perspective, please? Yeah, I feel bad because she said she talked to two guys and they said immediately dump. I mean, like, I'm going to have the same reaction. It's your boyfriend, she said? Of two years.

Two years. Two ten-year-old child she has never met. When you can't tell people things because they're going to tell you to dump your boyfriend, your answer is to dump your boyfriend. When you start withholding information because the advice that you're going to tell you to dump your boyfriend, that your answer is to dump your boyfriend. When you start withholding information because the advice that you're going to get is to dump your boyfriend, then it is time to dump your boyfriend. I, when I first got with my wife, she had like, she just got a lot of friends,

but she had two or three friends who were in these relationships. And yeah, that became my job to, I mean, it was a self appointed job. My wife didn't ask me to do this, but I was like, what are you doing? Like, he's like, I don't know, he threw a lamp in my head, but also he's like the nicest guy. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Like, you gotta, it's over. And one of them I did, I was so harsh with, I think she caught me in like a bad mood or something. And I was like, look, you're an idiot. Like you decide how you want your life to go. I was so harsh about it. But I was like, stay with you're an idiot. Like you decide how you want your life to go. I was so harsh about it, but I was like, stay with him, it's gonna be a bad life.

Dump him, you'll meet someone else, it'll be a good life. Whatever, and I just left the room. But she did, she dumped the guy in like, you know, three weeks later, she met her husband there together now, they have the most amazing life. But I get it, it can be so tough to get out of something for fear of like, you know, no one's gonna like me. You know, this is the only person who like,

whatever the fear is, but I think better to be alone. And the odds are you're gonna meet someone. There's so many people. You're gonna meet somebody. There's so many people. You're gonna meet another person. Don't make excuses like he's nice. He fixes my drains or whatever the fuck he does.

Who gives a shit? Go, you decide like what standards you are going to adhere to and what standards people need to meet to be in your life. And you are lowering them by allowing some guy who's on fucking Tinder while he's in a two year relationship. I mean, that doesn't make any sense. So you're lowering your standards for him.

Your standards should be Raya at the very least. Exactly. But on that note, we're going to go. Because I think that's where we leave it. Thank you, Topher, for actually. Thank you, Topher, for actually, thank you Topher for actually ending the- You mean the guys on Tinder.

I mean, that should tell you everything, right? I mean, yeah, seriously. Gosh, I mean, some people just stay with people because they have nothing. It's like we need a self-esteem injection, people. Let's go. Okay, Topher, it was a pleasure speaking with you. You're so charming.

I'm very excited for you. Now, I was going to say, I just think you're the best. I didn't want to do this up top so that only the people who listen the whole episode will listen to this. But I've been in Hollywood for a while now. I mean, you know, as well as I do, there's so few authentic, cool people. And you've always been one of them. I've known you for a while now. You've always been so cool. And I just I think you're the best. Oh, thank you. That's such a nice compliment. I really, I appreciate hearing that so much, Topher.

Likewise. Well, you don't have to give it back to me, but I truly, I feel it. Well, that was the polite thing to do, so I did. Right, so now you're undoing the authentic compliment. Well, no, I, I did. I'm lying and saying that I'm cool, which I know isn't true.

I meant it, and then I said it, and now I regret it. Well, anyway, it's good. I hope to see you more. Okay. I hope so too. I hope I bump into you soon. Take care. See you guys. Thanks.

Okay. Bye. Thanks. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at dearchelseypodcast.gmail.com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer.

If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How to Money Podcast. email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How to Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, Listen to how to money on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment,

sports and more, joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. $1.4 billion in NFL quarterback contracts, the untold stories behind the biggest deals in football history. I'm A.J. Stevens, Vice President of Client Strategy at Athletes First, introducing the Athletes First Family Podcast, the quarterback series.

My co-host, Brian Murphy, Athletes First CEO, and I are sitting down with the agents who have negotiated contracts for Justin Herbert, Deshaun Watson, Dak Prescott, Tua Tunga-Vai'loa, and Jordan Love. Listen to Athletes First Family Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Olin, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club.

Welcome to the Party with Tisha Olin is an iHeart Woman's Sports Production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party. That's P-A-R-T-E-E on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.