Dear Chelsea - Lean Into the Rot with Samantha Irby

Episode Date: October 12, 2023

Writer and humorist Samantha Irby joins Chelsea to talk about ignoring her stepkids so they think she’s cool, discovering what OCD looks like for her, and moving from Chicago to the Thai-food desert of Kalamazoo, Michigan.  Then: A twenty-something is disgusted as all of his friends get married off.  And a writer digs in too soon after the dissolution of his throuple.   * Find Samantha Irby's books, including Quietly Hostile, here! * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, everybody. It's Thursday. It's Thursday. Today's Thursday. That means it is October 12th. I'm performing at the Pantages tonight and tomorrow night. And I am coming to the Arizona Financial Center on Saturday. This Saturday night, you guys can still get tickets for that. Arizona Financial Center in Phoenix. And then next weekend, I have Cleveland, Ohio, October 20th.

Columbus, Ohio, October 21st. And then Pittsburgh, October 22nd at the Heinz Theater. So please get tickets for that in those areas. This week has been a very difficult week because of all the violence and terrorism going on in Israel and how complicated that situation is. So yeah, a lot of mixed emotions. I don't think we'll get into it here, but I think that it is important to be as educated as you can and to understand that Hamas is a terrorist organization that does not innocent in the oppression of the Palestinians and the Palestinians. Their governments have not been innocent as well. So it is a two way street and it is really would be wonderful if we could have peace somewhere in this world.

I mean, it is such a complex situation. I wonder it always leaves me wondering, like, what can we do? And I wonder if there's some, like, human rights organizations we can have. Oh, yeah, there is a human rights organization. You can donate to my friend Shelly. They're helping people on the ground and not just Israelis. They're helping any Palestinians who have been since there is a blockade in Gaza. Israel isn't letting anyone go into Gaza, but there is a organization that is helping anyone, anyone, whether they are Israeli or Palestinian, that is on the ground that needs help. It's called at Global Empowerment Mission, Global Empowerment Mission. And they're giving aid to everybody.

They're already in there. I put it on my Instagram page and you can follow Mindful Skater Girl also, and she gives information on that as well. I'll make sure to put a link to that in the description as well. So if you want to donate, you can go there and help out. Chelsea, I do have kind of a lovely response to our episode last week with Ruby Warrington about not having kids. This comes from Debra. She says, I am a 72-year-old woman who recently lost the love of my life after 42 years. Although he loved children,

he respected my decision not to have any of our own. Between us, we have six nieces and nephews who have produced 10 children. I love all my great nieces and nephews and have a really good time when I'm with them. They consider me the fun aunt. I'm always open to whatever challenges Thank you, Debra. Well, amen. Shalom, Debra. I just love that. Thanks for writing in, Debra. Thank you, Deborah. Well, amen. Shalom, Deborah. I just love that. Thanks for writing in, Deborah. Thank you. Chelsea, where have you been?

Right now, I am living in my neighbor's house because my house is still not done. So I am, this is about eight months delayed. Chelsea, they promised. I know. Anyway, I like to focus on the positive things in life. And that is that I have Bernice back in my arms. She's looking fitter than ever. She's here with us. She is a beautiful little baby. Look at her.

Look, she's lost weight. My bell put out her back in tip-top shape. And she's so sweet. She's even sweeter than when I left her. So, I mean, I guess, yeah, my bell's a really good influence. I mean, she only speaks Spanish, but that's fine because my Spanish has improved also. That's true. You're getting so good.

There you go. Fantastic. I have a question for you. When you need to have a laugh, who do you go to? A laugh? A laugh. Myself. Fuck, I can't depend on anybody for that.

No one else can be responsible for that? Nah, I don't know who I go to for a laugh. I don't think I go to anyone specifically for that purpose. No? Or like, okay, if you do need to have a laugh, would you go book or would you go like comedy special, TV show? No, I don't get that either. I don't go. I mean, I think there's a lot of natural laughter in my life that I don't have to seek that out.

I go to people for other things, you know, but not laughter. No, I supply my own entertainment for myself. Yeah. Yeah. I can. I have a fucking blast with myself. I mean, nobody gets me like I do. You know, I do think that that's the perfect answer. I think also like when you can make yourself laugh, I'm definitely somebody like if I'm doing a post on Instagram and I think it's funny, I'm like, I don't care if anybody else thinks it's funny. Like I'm cracking up about it for the next five minutes. I just love it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know a lot of books that make me laugh. No, there are not a lot of funny books. And I think that's why yours stand out because they're just ridiculous. Yeah. Mine are really ridiculous. And David Sedaris will make you laugh. That's a good author. And then there are, you know, Sarah Silverman special made me fucking laugh my ass off.

Amy Schubert's got to do special. That'll make you laugh. Yeah, no, I don't know. So our guest today is somebody who I'm very excited to talk to because I've read a lot of her stuff. She's an essayist and the author of Meaty. We are never meeting in real life. And wow, no, thank you. Her new book is called Quietly Hostile. It came out in May. So please welcome humorist Samantha Irby. Hello. Oh, look who's there. Hello. Look who's there. Media science, Samantha Irby.

Oh, my God. Look at you guys. You look so beautiful. Why do you have half of your face cut off? How are we supposed to even recognize you fully? You have to flip it and reverse it. Back it up. Okay. Here's the thing. My desk is covered in garbage and I can't push the monitor. Can you lie down and just pop your head up? Oh wait, here we go. Oh, thank you. Yeah and just pop your head up? Oh, wait. Here we go. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, that's a better view of your full face. Full frontal. Hi, Samantha Irby. How are you? Hi, my sweetheart. Okay. I know everybody comes on and is probably like, Chelsea, I love you so much.

But I really do. They don't do that. And they don't? No, no, no, I love you so much. But I really do. They don't do that. And they don't? No, no, no. We don't allow it. Okay, well then. I forbade that. Let me be the fucking first and say that Are You There Vodka?

It's Me, Chelsea is the first audio book I ever listened to. And I count you among one of the few people who made it possible to like, talk about your bullshit in a book that people would buy and read. And it's funny. And anyway, without you, there's no me. Well, that's wonderful because I'm actually Samantha's birth mother. And that's what this podcast is all about. This is our 23andMe episode. And actually, Samantha, you have a lot of siblings that you're about to learn about too. So I hope that you're in a good mood. Okay. I'm fine to meet them as long as you tell me up front that I'm your favorite. Oh, you're my favorite, obviously. You know, I'm not an idiot about favorites.

It's whoever I'm talking to. I just want to say that I became familiar with you by, I think it was an excerpt that they had printed from one of your books in the LA Times. And I thought, oh, wow, what a breath of fresh air. And then right when I became familiar with you, everyone in my world started bringing you up to me. Because you have such a unique writing style. And you're, I would say, a humorist. Would you agree with that? Yes.

It's a weird word, right? It feels fancier than what it is I think I do. Do you think essayist is fancier than humorist? Essayist is too fancy. Because like, I feel like, you know, David Frum or somebody is writing like essays. But if you say comedian, people assume stand up and I would never do stand up. I'm too sensitive. I cannot have people walking in the door like primed to call me a fat bitch before they even sit down.

I can't do that. So yeah, humorist works. There's no good word, funny person. I know it. There really is. There's a language that has so many words that mean the same fucking thing.

You think they would be able to come up with a new one or two to describe very particular professions, moods, you know, behaviors? Yeah. Wait, what do you call yourself? Are you like actor? I don't. I mean, I just, I can't.

People call me sometimes a writer, a comedian, essayist too. I'm like, essayist? That's not, I don't know an essay if it hit me in the fucking face. My writing is like basically just learned out of every editor I've ever worked with. I never had any formal training

except for David Sedaris and reading his books. And I just started, once I realized that you could do whatever the fuck you felt like as a writer, not that everyone is successful at doing that, but you can do that. And the beautiful part about doing what you want and how you would want to read is that you're being honest and you have a real point of view. And when you have a real point of view, that's when you attract people. You know, that's when people become well known is because they are sharing something very

real to them. So I loved when I heard that advice, like just be yourself. And I think that that comes across in your writing too, that this is the way that you look at things in a very authentic way and see things. Yeah, I have had, I'm with you on the no formal training. That's another reason why when people say essayist, I'm like, I couldn't write a persuasive essay if you wrote half of it for me, right? That's not really what I do, but they call

it essays because that's easier than printed out blogs or whatever the fuck I would call it. A vlog. I'm going to speak for you right now. And I know that you would call it a vlog. Yes, I would. I'm glad. And maybe this is me just trying to put lipstick on a pig, but I am glad that I don't have any MFA professor voice in my head telling me that I suck, telling me that the form is wrong, Telling me that it's bullshit. Like, people ask for writing advice, and it's, like, impossible to give.

But what I always say is write what you want, right? Because your editor's going to fix it and fuck around with it and change it. The publisher's going to have something to say. So if you start out writing what you want, eventually it'll feel natural and most of you will come through on the page. I'm at the point now where they don't really change much. Like they fix the errors, but it's never like, this story needs a little more piss. You know what I mean? They leave me alone and i feel very lucky but i really do just like write whatever the fuck i want how i want and i don't even have

to convince them that people will buy it which is amazing at this point it took a few books and now they're like oh you're gonna write about this porn you watched okay people hope we'll buy that well and i think that's something that you sam are so good at is inserting your personality into stuff i was reading just like a little listicle i think it was on the strategist of like stuff that you bought recently and it's so funny it's one of my favorite things i've read recently i was like this sound machine sounds like something I should buy. Okay, you should. It's very cheap.

Sound machine. I live by a sound machine. I mean, I have to listen to sound every night. I'm like a baby. Me too. I need a fan, a rainstorm, and I need to hear my dog within like six feet. Does your dog sleep in the bed? When I trap her, fucking ass, the bed? When I trap her fucking

ass, she does. When I trap her and pull away the doggy steps, then she has no retreat. That's right. But I also just started, this is a little bit more she-she, but somebody sent me a rose quartz eye shade. I always wear eye shades because I have to be in the dark. And sometimes I end up just putting a t-shirt over my head like a condom because I can't find my eye shade because I'm too stoned at the end of the night, which has been an ongoing saga, quite frankly. And I wish somebody would be able to bucket and nip it in the bud for me. Anywho, I wore this quartz eye shade and I've got to tell you, like my face felt so good and it stayed on all night. It's quartz? Yeah, it's rose quartz. I mean, it's from some brand that I never plugged that I'm loving. So look at that. That's incredible. I'm going to have to do that because I too am a late night stoner. Oh my God.

Like nothing is better. Where do you live, Samantha? Are you in New York or LA? No, I am in Kalamazoo, Michigan. That's very suspect. I am a child of the Midwest. Well, I'm from just north of Chicago, which is better than here. Listen, I just had two shows in Kalamazoo a couple of months ago. No, bitch, we couldn't go because they sold out. Oh, you should have contacted me. I would have totally gotten you hooked up. That would have been. Oh, they sold out. L should have contacted me I would have totally gotten you hooked up that would have been oh they sold out lame thing to say there's always a way I don't have that kind of nerve now that we've met and I'm seeing you face to face I'm gonna message you about everything but then what if you were like bitch no who are? I would have dropped dead. No, I don't do that. I help strangers that I don't know if they're looking for tickets. I mean, I don't help them by giving them because

word got out about that, but I direct them to my fucking website. Oh, you know where I'm coming? To Detroit. That's not far from Kalamazoo. I'll come see you in Detroit. Oh yeah. Okay. We'll hook her up with Detroit tickets. That's perfect. I'll come see you. It'll be great. But yeah, I'm in Kalamazoo because my wife lived here and she has kids. Well, your wife is still living there actually. It's not past tense. And now you live there. So when we met, she lived here. And when we decided to get married and live together, I had no dog in the fight, you know, as the childless one, I could not be like, well, Chicago is just better. You know, that doesn't fly. So now I live here, but you know what? I'm getting used to it. I like it. I think.

What are the differences that you've noticed or like the things in the beginning that you thought were a little bit shocking, but that you've since warmed up to okay well this is gonna sound fucked up if i say i've warmed up to it but there's not a lot of ethnic food lots of different kinds of people but if you want to get like thai food or ethiopian food you have to drive to another town that's probably 45 minutes to an hour away at least and like that was a you know chicago's a big food town and it was a big bummer to move here and be like okay we got like two nice restaurants we can go to and a few others we can pick stuff up from but i'm used to it now and it's fine. You know, it's fine. Well, that's good.

There's no traffic. That's nice. Yeah, that is really nice. Because you've lived in LA and New York, haven't you? I've lived in LA for a few months, never in New York. I have to go there for work, but I hate New York. Oh, you do? Because you have OCD, yeah? Yes. Does that play into your hatred of New York? Well, a little because it's so filthy.

It's just so dirty. I stepped in a bag of vomit in the middle of Lexington. This was like 10 years ago. And I can still feel my toes. I can feel it. I can feel what you're describing. And I was like, this fuck, I hate this fucking town. Every time I'm there, I see something insane. That's totally normal to everyone who's there.

And I'm like, how do you get used to this? No Thai food. I can get used to bags of vomit in the street. You can't get used to. No, I can't. There is a feculence that is roaming. And this is in San Francisco too, because I visit my sister quite often and I am alarmed by what goes on in San Francisco.

It's just defecation on the streets. You just walk by piles of human shit. And I remember the first time someone pointed it out to me, and I was like, how do you know that's human shit? They're like, Chelsea, you can tell the difference. I was like, since when? I haven't been encountering human shit to know that there was a difference

between dog shit and human shit. What is the difference? And apparently there is a big one. Oh, God. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer.

And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just

stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition sign Jason bobblehead. It's called really know really and you can find it on the I heart radio app on Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Talk to me a little bit more about your OCD and

how that works with being such a successful writer. The OCD, I was diagnosed like nine or 10 months ago because I, oh, forgive me for how this sounds, but just work with me. I kind of leaned into the pandemic. I was like, oh, this isn't bad. I had a book come out in March of 2020. I didn't have to tour. They just delivered cases of books to my house,

and people ordered them, and I personalized them and sent them out, and it was great. I didn't have to do anything. I didn't have to go anywhere. And then a year into it, I was like, oh, I'm actually losing my mind. And then when things opened up and we could go places, I found that I was terrified of everyone. And that's not me, right? Like I'm not, I'm a friendly person. I'm fine out in public, but I was super hypervigilant. I thought someone was going to attack me or someone was going to run me off the road. So I got a psychiatrist and just told her about myself. And at the end, she was like, I know you think you have bad anxiety and depression and you do have anxiety, but your biggest problem is that you have OCD. And I was like, whoa.

So the way mine manifests, I don't have a lot of, ooh, I forget what they're called, but, you know, like the people who scrub their hands and check. I don't have a lot of those. I have a few bad ones. Like I can't touch money, like physical money. Oh, good. There's none left anyway. So problem solved. I mean, you just have to use credit cards.

Yeah. As a kid though, it was like, if you tried to hand me a bunch of loose change, I couldn't touch it. I would wash my hands after that. And I don't wash my hands after, after a lot. I'll be honest. You know what the most horrifying thing on earth to me is to see someone like pay for something with real money and then put their hands on food and eat that food. Oh my God. That's very prevalent in New York City because of all the stands and the taco, like taco stands, there are no taco stands in New York City, but street food, vending vendors, whatever they're called. I wish, I wish it could be me, but it will never. No, I know.

I know. There is something when you look at a man that does that casually, like, you're kind of like, oh, do you not get germs? I guess you don't. Right. I wish I could feel so free. So that's my only like, oh, it's contamination. That's my only contamination OCD thing. But what I do or my OCD sort of manifests in hypervigilance, which is exhausting, right? To think all the time that I need to be prepared in case someone hits me. I have never been struck by a stranger in public. I don't know where this fucking fear

fucking came from. I think being inside all the time, I was just like, everybody out there is terrifying. And my psychiatrist is like, yeah, I think a lot of this stuff was dormant or pretty far under the surface. And then being alone with your own thoughts for two years fucked you up and i ruminate a lot where i just can't let go of a faux pas i've made or even better worse is if i think i did something but don't have confirmation like if you got up and left right now and just ended the zoom I would never stop thinking about what I could have possibly done to make you mad now you probably just had my podcast or I forgot something in your car is really funny because that would be something you must have done.

Like what would require me to leave my own recording that I asked you to be on? If you were just like, fuck this, bye, I made a mistake. I would never stop thinking about it. So it's that kind of fixation on either what I've done wrong or what I could do wrong or a way I could embarrass myself. I spend a lot of time just thinking over and over and over about ways I might embarrass myself in a failing effort because you can't talk yourself out of being humiliating to not commit that error. So I just, you know, if I have an event, I'm like, oh my God, okay. Don't fall off the stage. Know who you're talking to. Don't look at anyone directly and make them feel weird.

You know what I mean? It's like that kind of thing for weeks. Then the event happens and I do all that shit anyway and like feel super crazy about it long story long I'm on 300 milligrams of Zoloft a day and does that help I think so it doesn't I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday where I was like, she was like, how are you doing on the meds? And I was like, you know, I take them, but I still have like thoughts. She's like, that's not a problem. And I was like, but honestly, I would love it if the medication could wipe some of the thinking out. And she's like, I'm not going to prescribe anything to you that does that.

And I was like, well, well, Samantha, you came to the right place. I was like, I'm just going to keep smoking tons of weed then. And she's like, well, fine, whatever. Just take your pills. Yeah. As long as you can mix the two, it's when you can't. I mean, usually that those types of meds are they don't go well with alcohol. So weed is good for that, for sure. I can't drink. So now I just have a million edibles on me at all times. So now talk to me about being a stepmother. How is that working for you?

And what do you think you're... I'd like to hear what you think your strongest asset in that department is. Don't make me lie on your podcast. I don't have any good. Yes, you do. I know you don't think. No, I do. Of course.

Yeah. Say it. No, I'm pretty good at it. Okay. So the kids are now 15 and 17. They were five and seven when I met them. So 10 years. It's so first of all let no one ever talks about how like watching a child grow up ages you like i don't feel old until i think about

knowing them in kindergarten and like now the one is like driving a car and has a job. And I'm like, what the fuck? How have 10 years gone by? I do what I call like adjacent parenting, which they have a mom and a dad. So those people are going to do the vaccines and, you know, set the broken arms, do the soccer and you know set the broken arms do the soccer signups i don't have to do any of that shit i just get to do the cool shit which is talk to them they both tell me everything about you know who broke up with who and who we're kicking out of the friend group and who posted what on snapchat i live for that, but you have to play it cool because if you look too excited, they'll stop telling you. I always look away when there's

a question I'm asking of one of my nieces or nephews where I need the answer. I always like, look like, no, I'm not that interested in the answer. That usually brings them in. That is the key to my step-parenting is I act like I have an interesting life, which I do. And I tell them that my life is more interesting than theirs. The thing about kids is for their parents, I'll never forget this one time when they were very little the older one came to me and was like hey do you want to watch me play and i was like no i could watch tv like what sit and watch you play i was like does your mom do that and he's like yeah sometimes and i was like well go find her i'm doing something and i think when you let kids know that they're not the center of your universe they give you automatic respect that automatically elevates you to being a little bit cooler than they might have thought

you were so i just act like everything I do is interesting and I don't look up from my phone. I just play it so cool. And then like, I'll hear them tell their friends when they come over like, oh yeah, it's okay. We can hang out here. My stepmom's cool. And like, I'm not that cool. I just am good at ignoring. Pretending to be cool. Being elusive. It's like, you know, the old dating books that were like, don't call them for three days. I basically do that with these kids. Yeah, totally. Too available is not what they're interested in. For schnizzle.

No, you look needy. You look needy. Mom at the dinner table is like, how was school today? And they're like, we didn't go to school. But then later when they're like, hey, want to hear what happened in science? And I'm like, no, they automatically start telling me. And then I'm like, yes. So do you have one of your works that you're most proud of? Probably. See, there are some things in the new one that I am proud to have in the world, mostly because like I wrote about my failed pilot, like trying to make a TV show out of my first book. And that felt good to have in the world so no one will ask me about it again you know like people see anything with tv and they're so excited because like people fucking hate reading books and so they're like oh wait whoa whoa fuck your books you're doing something on television can't wait to watch and

i'm like well you could read it now and they're like fuck that can't wait to watch. And I'm like, well, you could read it now. And they're like, fuck that. Can't wait to watch the show. And there's going to be no show. So now they know. But I think maybe Wow No Thank You is my proudest because it was the first book of like my new boring Michigan housewife life. And it actually turned out well, and it performed well. And that made me, you know, not that like before I was like cosplaying as Carrie Bradshaw, like I had some big exciting life, but I was fucking more than one person and going to shit in a big city. And then I changed my life to live with a woman. I don't have to fuck that often,

which is great because we're old and doing less. And I thought like, oh, do people want this? Or is this interesting? Will I have enough to put in a book? And it worked, which was a surprise to me. So that's maybe my favorite child. It's nice to have a favorite. Yeah.

Yeah. The one, because I'm never going to be the, because you know how people are. They're like, oh, you wrote a bunch of books. Which one should I read? And I'm never going to be the person who's like, get all of them. Like, no, get the green one. That's what I'm saying. What do you think about the lack of reading in this world?

It's so upsetting to me. It makes me read even more, actually, because I have to like, you know, make up for it. I mean, I read like four books at a time. I like to go at it from like all different avenues. And I like nonfiction. I like autobiographical. I like historical four books at a time. I like to go at it from like all different avenues. And I like nonfiction. I like autobiographical. I like historical. And I like fiction.

So I like to mix it all together because I got to tell you, the more you read, the more clarity you have and the fucking sharper you are. And I don't know why people can't just put the fucking phone down. I know. I know. I know. Reading is the reason I can write, right? Because I didn't get any formal writing training. But as a kid, I was a voracious reader. I continued. I still just, I'm reading like three different books right now. What are you reading right now? Right now I'm reading this book that's about to come out called Maeve Fly. It's by a woman. Horror by women is my thing.

I'm also reading this book called Mother Thing. I mostly read fiction. I can't read a lot of essays because I feel like I start to imitate people's voices and style. And I don't ever want anyone to be like, this bitch is trying to be me. But horror is a big one for me because it's so different from what I do. And my brain, I do not see jump scares coming. I never figure out who the killer is so I'm like put more of those in my hand the people not reading thing is so distressing to me not even as a writer because

like mostly I just care that people buy it if they don't read what's inside what am i gonna do just give me that sweet 17 dollars but it is i feel like when like you never hear people talking about books they've read which is so depressing because that's one of the great things about a book is hearing like what someone else thought exactly exactly and even when you read a book like i read a book and hearing like what someone else thought of it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And even when you read a book, like I read a book and then I'm basically telling all my friends about a book I'm reading and I'm the only one talking about the book. It's kind of, and then you sound annoying. People are like, we're not interested. I'm like, yeah, I guess not. I hate that. Well, we will exchange. I'll tell you what I'm reading. You tell me what you're reading and we'll we'll be the few people who read but I don't know if I mean I know it's the phones but I feel like my own

grandfather saying it's the phones but it's the phones why can't I mean there's nothing on my phone worth like boiling my eyeballs over that's like better than just taking a book and reading it and i think i have a really good imagination and i love to be transported i think that's another reason for writing or for reading so much fiction. It just makes me sad because books are everywhere. You can get a book wherever. And it really is just, not to sound too cheesy, but a passport to another place for however long you're in it. And I feel- And you feel so much better after you read something or complete a book or even read a few chapters. You feel so much better when you allot yourself that time than you do when you get done looking at your phone. So like, I know the phone is unavoidable

because we live in that kind of society, but it is, you can put your phone away for an hour a day, two hours a day and read a book. And the way that fills you up is really indescribable. And I have a hard time getting it across because I think only other people who read books know that there's a peaceful meditativeness that comes with leaping into another world that you would never have dreamt up on your own, most likely. Yes. Yes. I read a couple months ago when everyone else posted pictures of it on the internet, you never know who's actually reading the books they post. But I read Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow, which is that Gabrielle Zevin book about two video game designers and their lifelong friendship. I am not interested in video games. I didn't grow up in Los Angeles. I hate having friends. Honestly, I hate knowing people.

It's so freeing to say that. read that you're taken into this world like they're at MIT I couldn't be a janitor at MIT right like it just puts you in a place you're never gonna be and you can like plunge into someone else's experience I wonder too if a lack of curiosity and a lack of empathy are other reasons people don't read because I want to know my you know all of our lives are so small in the greater context it's just me living my little life over here if I can experience someone else's life by just picking up a book, I'm going to do that. And I feel like there are more people than not who don't have that curiosity, who don't want to learn about other people, who don't. And I read things too that I'm trying to find community with this person. I feel like this is someone I could know or this person's story. I was never homeless in this way.

I don't know where Appalachia is. I'm going to read about this homeless Appalachian. But I feel like the people who do that are few and far between. Not to make us all exceptional, even though we are. There is a lack of curiosity. No one cares about anything but themselves. Yeah, very self-absorbed society. I wonder if the lack of curiosity came before social media

or as a result of social media. I guess both. I guess because you get drawn into something, it's so mindless and thoughtless, right? And then you get to live a life through someone else's lens instead of being in charge of what you're going to be putting in your brain. You're looking at other people, what they're doing, and then that creates a whole list of ickiness too. I mean, it just doesn't ever feel good to spend hours on your phone at a time.

Like it's so icky. So I'm glad we're on the same page on that. We're going to have to take a quick break and we're going to come back. Okay. Okay. Are you stable? Okay. Okay.

Yes. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer.

Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today.

How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening?

Really No Really. Oh, yeah, really. No Really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the

iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. That's my new favorite term to describe someone that I won't hang out with is they're unstable. That's what I say now to my friends. I go, I don't find them stable.

And my friends are like, what does that mean? I go, just not stable enough for me to hang out with. I don't want a hot mess. I'm not in the mood for that. I'm there if there's an emergency, but I don't need hotmessness.com as a through line. Correct. Right? We're past it. No hot messiness.com as a through line. Correct. Right? We're past it.

No hot messiness. I've outgrown it. Uh-uh. It's like, it's Tuesday. I don't need any bullshit. Yeah. I saw this woman yesterday who I kind of know, not really, but you know, know because we're both public people.

And she came up to me. She's like, I've got to talk to you. I'm just going through it. I'm going through it. I'm like, oh God, you know, and I was interested in the beginning. And then as she went on and on and on and on and on, I was like, Oh no, this isn't something that's happening to you now. This is something that's been happening to you for a long time. And like, you need help beyond anything I can say to you. Like she's like, no, it's this person, this person. And she's blaming everything and everybody.

And I'm like, you need a therapist. It's not everybody's fault that you're in this situation. It's your fault. But of course, you know, people sometimes come up to me and ask me these questions. And I always am like, at the outset, I'm like, oh yeah, let me. And then once you hear the story, you're like, oh no, no, you're, you have a situation and I don't want any part of it. Please leave me alone. I'm going to steal that. Oh no, no, no. You have a situation. Sounds like you're in a pickle and you're going to need to take that pickle and find out where to put it. Not me. Yes. Yeah. No free therapy, especially not on the street when you weren't expecting it. I don't mind that. Honestly, if somebody if I can help somebody, I'm not like

that. I don't care if I'm not if I'm not in the mood. I'll fucking tell them like wrong day, pal. Like, don't come up to me. But if I am, I'm totally down. I always want to help somebody or leave somebody with a little pep in their step if I can. I mean, it doesn't happen that often. It's not like I'm going to the airport early to field questions. I just force her to come here once a week and do it on tape. Sometimes five times a week, Catherine. Yeah, we've been working a lot lately. Well, let's jump right to a caller first. Our first caller is Drew. He is 26.

And I know, Sam, you have some wisdom about being in your 20s. Try to sleep through it. Dear Chelsea, Catherine, and esteemed podcast team, I'm a 26-year-old gay male struggling to put it all together. I come from a shitty childhood full of alcoholism, affairs, divorce, abandonment, and estrangement. My views on love and relationships I feel will forever be distorted. I feel like relationships are only good for the two people in the relationship and everyone else gets hurt around them. See how crazy that is?

My father picked his side piece and left. My mother picked a boyfriend and cut us off. My friends are now starting to pick their partners and disappearing off into the domesticated abyss. I just don't get it all. I take medication for anxiety and depression and have worked with a therapist for the last two years. I find happiness and joy in my thriving career, good times with friends, but that seems to be all. I struggle with dating on one hand. Thank God. On the other, it sucks. This idea of the fairy tale romance makes me gag because I've seen the ugly side of it all. It's just not real.

I hate that I'm this way and truly would love for Prince Charming to come scoop me up and fix all my problems. But again, I know that's not real. I yearn for my 30s in hopes that it will all make more sense. My 20s have been brutal, but so are my 10s, lol. What would you say to your 26-year-old self? And when does it start to get better? XO, Drew. Hi, Drew. Hi. Hi, how are we? Oh, look how you lit up right away. I was like, oh.

Oh, you're so cute. Hi, Drew. This is our special guest, Samantha Irby, famed. Hi, Drew are you? Oh, look how you lit up right away. I was like, oh. You're so cute. Hi, Drew. This is our special guest, Samantha Irby, famed. Hi, Drew. Yes. Hi, Samantha Irby. How are you, babe? Good. Famed writer and anti-socialist.

Fuck yes. Drew. Okay. You have a very bad attitude, my friend, and a very victim. I do. Honey, I do. You're playing a victim. I do, honey, I do. You're playing a victim. So quickly, I'm gonna jump in first, Samantha.

The patterns of behavior that were created as a child, your mother, your dad leaving, it's very obvious that that's the imprint. So you think when someone's in a relationship, they leave you. Your adult friends, you're an adult now, you're not a little kid anymore. So like your adult friends, when they're getting married,

the relationship isn't over. You can actively pursue to be friends with a couple when they're married, even when they have children, if you so desire. But these people are not abandoning you when people get married. And so you have to really do some work on yourself to get yourself out of that, like make a shift mentally and emotionally to understand that that happened to you as a little kid. But now as an adult, you have the power to remain in these friendships and relationships and relationships don't represent that they're only good for two people. That's your attitude. You got to have a

great attitude. Relationships are beautiful. You know, there's maybe not a fairytale ending for every single person, but there's a lot of love to be found and to lower your expectations so that you're not looking for the most perfect thing to come at you, you know? But moreover, like, do you see a therapist? Yeah. Yeah. I have for the last two years. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you want to dig in deep to this, right? I mean, sure that you've started, right? What have you learned so far about placing those kind of childhood expectations on your adult self? Right now, we're really working on like unlearning a lot of behaviors, unlearning a lot of patterns. I'm kind of going through like a situation right now with a friend where like they have just fallen in love with someone and just really kind of regressed. And I've, you know,

been very intentional about like letting that happen and keeping the peace and trying to be just as positive and supportive as possible, because I have been burned in the past. And I do know that there is a pattern of history here and there is a repeating rhythm and that does need to change. So I'm, yeah, we're working pretty, she's my best seat. We're working pretty hard. Great. That's awesome. That's awesome. You're already working on it. It's just a matter of it, like taking hold in your life and to start to be joyful for people instead of feeling like something's being taken away. Because when you can appreciate the stuff that you do have in your life, there's a sense of abundance. And this is like spiritual talk, but it's fucking true. Like I live it. And I have so many friends that live it. When you start to appreciate the things you have,

more things start to show up. When you're bemoaning what you don't have, the things you have slip away. So you always want to be like, you want to get up every morning and whether it's saying mantras into the fucking mirror and to writing down, I'm happy and I want to spread love and joy. And you say that into the mirror 20 times a day, or if you want to meditate or do a guided meditation, get yourself up on the right foot every fucking morning so that you are starting off in like a positive path and that you're going to light up people around you. That's your goal, you know, and eventually that won't seem annoying. It will seem natural. You have to trick yourself into getting into a

more positive headspace. Absolutely. Samantha, what would you like to say? Well, first I'm going to take all of your advice. that was really good getting up and saying a mantra that was a word honey that was a word right there it was a word but I am going to say if you fail at what Chelsea said which I often do you could lean into just being a hater with a good career right like you said you like your job right you can just be like fuck friends i just i'm great at my career look at me making money i'm doing what i want yeah i don't have to buy wedding gifts for a bitch i don't talk to anymore so then you're off the hook miss Miss Irby, you're speaking my language, girl. No, but you have to try Chelsea's way first.

Right. Or not. You have to try the mantra. You like her advice more than that. No. That's what's great about being a person. You can take your own. No, I'm going to try it too.

Because I want to spread love and joy. Like, that's my thing. I love making people laugh. But there is something rotten deep inside of me that I can't get rid of. And in case that happens to you, you can just become the rot and just like be an asshole. Right. You know, our rotten sides are just our shadow selves. Everyone has a rotten side.

You're not the only people with it. I've got it. You've got it. You've got it where we have those mean thoughts or we have, you know, where we're not happy for others or we wish something bad would happen to somebody to put them in their place. That's natural, but it depends. Do you want to ride that or do you want to ride the positivity and be on the flip side of that? Because that's going to yield much better results. I hate everyone too, but I work very hard to not hate everybody so much because nobody deserves to be hated. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And like,

that's where I'm kind of at this place where like, I think, and I'm 26, right? So I'm still a very baby adult. But like, if you would have asked me at 21, that whole like cutthroat career girl who's out for only hers like that was very I identified a lot with that I really leaned into that I was like well obviously this is how my this is the path for me right here and as I like get older I just I'm kind of like damn so um yeah I mean obviously I'm aware that that is not who I want to be right and I think making the steps to kind of reverse that is where I need to be focusing. Yeah. And also you can have your days where you don't want to deal with people or

a week if you don't. I mean, listen, I do it all the time. I have I'm like a recluse when I'm on tour and I come home. I can't be bothered to socialize. Everyone's annoying me. That kind of thing. Right. But there's a time and a place for that. And then when you're putting yourself out into the world, you know, there's nothing negative that's going to become, come from being positive and kind of, you know, and it becomes infectious also. It's like a contagion. And so it's, don't think about it as yourself. Think about it as like spreading good vibes around because the world is a difficult and ugly place for a lot of people. So you're not alone in having those dark thoughts. That's, that's part of who we all are. Yeah. One thing that's helped me as sort of a stepping stone on that way, like you might not alone in having those dark thoughts. That's part of who we all are. learning to be curious and saying, what if that person is out there who will like me for me and treat me really well? What if that is out there for me, for my friends? And just sort of asking

yourself when you have those cynical thoughts of like, it doesn't exist. It's not real. What if it is? Like, what if it could be? Right. And I'm really trying to focus on unlearning the idea in my head that like to need someone to want someone to yearn someone is a weakness because it's very much like a brain in my brain yeah and I really need to you know hit the reverse button on that yeah well you know what you need to do so I think you're on your way best of luck to you thanks for calling in thanks you girls have a gorgeous afternoon you too I hope he gets out of that fucking office

that he was sitting in. That looked like diarrhea or the vomit that Samantha stepped in a bunch of times. It didn't even do so. Which is, she's never returned

to New York City since then. I wouldn't either. Our next caller is Fredo. Dear Chelsea, my name is Fredo and I'm a 43-year-old polyamorous gay man from Puerto Rico currently living in Pennsylvania with my now husband. We've been together for seven years and have been married for four months.

We were also in a very loving and committed throuple for close to two years. Sadly, our third wasn't ready to receive all the love, attention, and responsibility and ended the throuple nine months ago. That's a nice way to put it. We were devastated. The love we both developed for this man was very powerful, and it still is. We're still recuperating. At the same time, I wouldn't change the time we shared together. I'm currently in therapy, and I started meditating in the mornings,

even hopping on the treadmill at 4.30 a.m. I studied literature in college, so as part of my self-discovery, I decided to write about our love story. So many good moments, many intense, and some very sad. The problem lies in the fact that I'm a very emotional guy, so recounting events can be tricky for me. I don't deny that after a writing session, it takes a bit of time for all the feelings to settle back again, maybe too long. Since I've started writing, I haven't felt the support from my husband about this new creative work. He doesn't take it seriously. As a writer yourself, what is your take on this situation? I want to keep writing and get my story out,

but at the same time, I want to be present and happy for my husband and not let the feelings take over to the point that it affects him. Thank you. Love you. Attaches a picture of me and my husband. And he's here with us as well. Hi. Wilfredo? Fredo. Fredo. We're calling you Fredo. That's quite a mouthful. Wilfredo. No wonder you want people to call you Fredo. Yes. How you doing? Hi. Good. Our special guest is Samantha Irby today. So you're in luck hi hello hello okay can i say something as a person who writes about herself and has written four books that involve other people a couple of things they make a lawyer read my manuscript before they publish it and every time the lawyer says, you own everything that's happened to you, but you don't own everything that's happened to other people, and you have to get their consent or of it all. If it's that upsetting to write about, you should wait until it's not upsetting. in a book that I wouldn't be okay with being on the news because once your work is out there, people are just going to talk to you about it all the time and you can't break down. You can't have a breakdown every time someone wants to talk to you. So if maybe that's a sign that you're not

quite ready to be putting this to paper. Makes sense. Actually, my therapist suggested something like that too. Oh, well, look at that. Samantha Irby with the clutch advice. Look at that. Very. I'm going to go to therapy school.

Thank you, Fredo. Yeah. Or you could just start a podcast. Yeah. That sounds pretty fucking right on, I have to say. I mean, truer words have never been spoken. And of course, listen, if you do want to write about somebody that doesn't want to be written about, there are ways around that too. You can fictionalize that character as all editors.

Change names. Change names so that they're not recognizable, change their jobs, locations, blah, blah, blah, all of that. But I do feel like you're doing a bit of journaling right now, more so than writing, right? That's what it feels like. It's a bit cathartic for you. Yeah? Yeah. At this moment, it's actually taking shape at this moment. So it was a little all over the place. It's kind of growing and turning into something more concrete. And I really want to put it out there.

I have to say that the experience of being in a thruple, for me, I have never been in that type of relationship. And it really changed a lot the perspective of how we see things. It's so intense, you know, for the good parts and the bad ones too. There's, you know, three sets of minds together. And I have to say that I wouldn't go back after that part of the heart is kind of opened up to another person. I really cannot. And it's not to say that I don't love my husband with all my life.

He's incredible. But that space, it's there so it's been already 10 months and it's just difficult for me to sit down and and write because i know that he gets a little quiet and after i write it for a bit then i get a little quiet because a bunch of feelings come up and also i also have a dhd so i'm a little scatterbrained. So I would like to ask him some stuff, some details about what happened. And I don't know how to enter that. You know what? It has been 10 months, but your emotions aren't wrapped up yet, right? You still have lingering feelings. So maybe it would be time to just take a little

break, like just to say, I'm going to take a month off of us doing this because you are, it's not like you're writing without infringing on his space as well, because you're asking him to help you write. So that's a little different. I think maybe you should take a month off. And when you come back, try and do it on your own. And then you can set a time deep in the future that you go to him for the details that you're missing. You know, don't make him part of your writing routine because that's not his desire. It's yours. So find a private area to do that in.

And if you can do that right away, then great. But if you can't, take some time off and just give yourself a break because that's sometimes when you're writing, I know, is a great reset. Sometimes you're writing and you're writing and it's like, it's not right. This isn't working. This isn't making sense. This isn't the kind of language I want to be using. And, you know, there's a reset time. Yeah, makes sense. My worry is that I would miss the intensity of the details that I have myself that I would forget or, you know. You can make notes. You could jot down notes. You could use your notes app to remember things. That's what I do. I text myself if there's something I

want to remember. I do want to ask, because I think it might help you, is it possible for you to write outside of your house? Can you take your laptop somewhere? Because if you're tense and, you know, whatever emotions are coming up for you, and then your partner is seething in another room while you have your computer out, and then you both have to decompress from that, if you could maybe remove, like, show him that you are caring for his feelings and remove yourself while you're writing, that might help too. Oh, yeah, I do have the time and I could go someplace else. But, you know, sometimes just before bed, just randomly that I would want to write something, I put on my tablet and he already looks at me and said, are you sure you want to write that right at this time of time at night? And I know, you know, I get it. Yeah. So I think just have a little bit more respect for doing it privately. Right. Yeah. And you can journey like, yeah, you can bomb out all

your thoughts in the next three weeks and put them all down and then take a break and be like, okay, I got all the details down. They don't have to be in the perfect order or the perfect arrangement. You know, it's good to just kind of your nervous system, do some breathing exercises. But like giving yourself 10 minutes to just like put yourself in a different frame of mind before you have an interaction with him might be really helpful. Yeah, this podcast has been very, very helpful during this couple months. So I feel like I'm home. Oh, I love that. I love that. And thank you for calling in and sharing with us. Take some of what we said to heart and, you know, just change it up a little bit. And I think you'll get a different result. And then your partner won't feel so depleted also.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, Fredo. Have a good one, guys. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye. Well, Fredo was worth the wait, you girls. Yes.

Yeah, I loved him. I know. I don't want him to fuck up his relationship, though, with the writing. Let's take a quick break. We'll be right back. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast,

our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts?

His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all.

Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. Whenever I hear about throuples, I'm like, I don't know how people do it it's just

too much drama there's enough drama in one and one relationship I understand not staying with the same person your entire life I get that but having multiple people in in in relationships is just so uh unsettling it gives me such an unsettling feeling like someone is always going to get their heart broken so much work yes. And there's one person who has an option to leave. Well, it seems like there's always one person who has an option to leave and the other two people have to stay. And it's like, how do you relax when your third could just walk out at any time? I suppose your main could too, but still. But also the concept of comforting each other

over the loss of another lover to me is like, wait, what? It's kind of like, is it? Yeah, okay. Anyway, Samantha Irby, you're coming to my show in Detroit. We're going to dinner first. You and your lover come. We're going to go to dinner. We're going to have some conversation.

I'm very looking forward to hanging out with you me too i kept so happy we finally fucking met my queen me too you did a show with megan steelstra in madison and she's one of my closest friends she reads all my stuff and i couldn't go to the show but I felt like I was like give Chelsea some of my love and energy hopefully she did she did it maybe she kept it to herself but you are everything so well I love you you know that thank you so much I love you I'll see you for having me great. Goodbye, my gorgeouses. Goodbye. Bye, Sam. Bye. Okay, second shows have been added.

For those of you coming to see my new stand-up tour, which you have to come because I'm having the best time, we added a second show to Cincinnati, Los Angeles, which is actually October 13th. There are still tickets for October 13th show in Los Angeles. We added second shows in Chicago, the Chicago Theater,

Portland, Oregon, San Francisco. They're both almost completely sold out. Detroit, Michigan. And then we added a second show in Cincinnati in the daytime at 5 o'clock p.m. I'm doing my first show because I don't have a night where I can go back. So we added a second show at 5 p.m. And the original show is at 8 p.m. Original show is sold out. Second show, tickets are available Cincinnati. I'm also coming to Cleveland on October 20th. And then I'll be in Columbus October 21st. And Pittsburgh October 22nd. So those three shows, I still have tickets available.

And you can go to ChelseaHandler.com for other tickets and other information. And if you want to buy some of our merch, that's all available on ChelseaHandler.com. And yeah, guys, I'll see you on the road. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. I'm Jason Alexander.

And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure? And does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really No Really podcast.

Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.