Dear Chelsea - Love in the Locker Room with Jesse Tyler Ferguson
Episode Date: July 18, 2024Jesse Tyler Ferguson joins Chelsea in-studio to talk about setting up your ex with your best friend, taking breaks from fatherhood, and meddling in their mutual friends’ love lives. Then: A Seattl...e Daddy wonders if he’s only hot on vacation. A gym rat wants to hook up with a tasty man. And a closeted couple struggles with labels - and their tiny hometown.   * Check out Jesse’s new podcast Dinner’s on Me!  * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaPodcast@gmail.com * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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I'm Jason Alexander.
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Good morning, good afternoon.
Buenos tardes, buenos dias, buenos, I don't know.
Is it buenos tardes?
Buenos tardes.
I guess we're saying that you left Spain
a couple of weeks ago. I know, And guess where I just landed? In Hawaii. So I don't even know what
language I'm speaking. Aloha. I did the same thing last year when we went to Hawaii. Everyone
kept saying aloha and I kept responding with hola. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So Molly and I flew in
before my shows on Maui and then Honolulu and all of our cousins and their babies are Exactly. So Molly and I flew in before my shows on Maui and then Honolulu.
And all of our cousins and their babies are here. So we're about to go to the beach and get down to business.
Amazing. I'm so pleased for you. Well, I just came from your house.
Oh, what was going on there?
Well, we got to meet Gus, who's charming and delightful.
Oh, Gustavaria. Gustavaria. That's what I've named him. Well,
Goose. His name is Gus, and he's one of my new assistants, and he speaks Spanish. So I'm like,
Gus, we are only speaking Spanish. And so I call him Gustavaria. In my mind, that means I would
like Gus. So we'll see. Was Doug there at the house? Yes, he was a totally well-coiffed good
boy. Was he? Yeah, I asked Gus if he had been sassy at all, and he said, Yes, he was a totally well-coiffed good boy. Was he?
Yeah, I asked Gus if he had been sassy at all.
And he said, no, he's been a perfectly well-behaved good boy.
He just got back from two weeks of training.
Two weeks?
He had five weeks of training.
He went to training camp for five weeks.
They sent me videos of him at the store where they would go, Doug, sit.
He'd sit.
And then they'd go, lie down.
And he lies down.
And then they get a toy
treat and they shake it like 10 feet away from him and he stays. And I'm like, oh my God,
if this dog training company worked, I can't wait to tell everyone about it.
Oh my gosh. Yeah. Well, you'll have to tell me about it because Wendell has decided that if
we're in the pool, we're in grave danger. So now he wants to bark at us when we're in the pool and
it's all, it's just a mess.
I got even better news. I found out that
Doug is flying with me. I'm going to go
see a concert at Red Rocks and
there's this new airline, A Bark
Airlines, that you can travel with your dog on
and then Jet Suite also
allows you to bring your dogs. So I'm like,
oh my God, I'm going to bring Doug with me everywhere.
It's over for every
other airline. Doug is flying first class.
I wanted to do a special shout out also to Australia and New Zealand because we had such
an epic time there.
We had so much fun.
Sydney is one of the most beautiful cities in the world.
That harbor, we went whale watching on the last day.
And we went out of the harbor and went into these 10 to 15 feet swells on this whale watching boat.
And the woman came around and started passing out vomit bags to everyone.
Oh, no.
And all of these people were throwing up.
I've never been in sea that high.
It was epic.
And Molly and I, of course, love that.
So we didn't get sick.
But we saw so many pods of whales.
And it was really, really beautiful.
And I just can't get enough of the food in Sydney.
And like the way they, the way the beaches are, this harbor that like they do all of
this like beautiful stuff and they create all these stone steps so everybody can sit
on the harbor, have lunch.
They have all these parks right on the harbor.
I'm like, why don't we do that in all of our beach towns in California?
You know, sand is boring after a while.
We need more action.
Some like rocky beaches.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I just, that was great.
I always have a good time when we go to Australia, but this was especially great traveling with
my cousin.
Yeah.
Well, on to our guest today.
Today we have, I mean, this is going to be, this is one of the funniest episodes ever.
He's the host of a podcast called Dinners on Me, but you probably know him from many
other, a bevy of other things.
So please welcome one of my favorite people, Jesse Tyler Ferguson.
I'm sitting here with my friend, Jesse Tyler Ferguson.
When was the last time I saw you?
Do you remember?
It's been a while.
I feel like I might've seen you at like the Hollywood Bowl or something.
Hollywood Bowl?
I don't know.
Were you performing or was I?
Neither of us.
Maybe at Hilary Swank's house.
Oh.
Remember that?
That was a long time ago.
That was a really long time ago, though.
Right.
She's had twins since then.
She's had four different husbands.
Husbands?
Husbands.
And now twins.
Well, we should say she's happily married now, but she has been through.
She's been through a few of them.
I was with her with like three different boyfriends.
I know.
I mean, I think I was, I haven't seen her for like, since like two husbands ago.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Every time I would speak to her, she's like, you have to meet so-and-so.
I was like, well, what happened to, you know, what's his face?
There's always someone new.
But I'm glad she's happy.
Yeah.
Can you imagine if we just made a whole podcast
about Hilary Swank's love life?
Jesse and I just...
I mean, we could film more than an hour.
She would probably be fine with it, knowing her.
Anyway, okay.
Jesse Tyler Ferguson is here in studio.
I'm so happy to see you.
I haven't seen you in many years,
but here we are reunited with Doug in studio.
I love Doug.
I'm obsessed.
How are you, my friend?
I'm really good.
What is happening in your life besides coming on to promote a new podcast, which everybody is going to be very eager about?
Everyone has a podcast.
There's hardly any podcast, Jesse. I don't know what you're talking about.
Hardly any of them. I have actually been very…
Prolific?
Prolific recently, yeah. No, I was doing theater for a while, and then the strikes all happened, and now I'm just doing this podcast.
But hopefully things are going to start happening soon. I don't't know i'm happy to have the podcast to focus what is the podcast about it's called dinners on me and i basically take
a my guest out to a dinner and we have alcohol alcohol sometimes included well it should be it
should be i mean whatever you guys want to order at dinner for sure yeah but sometimes it's like
a breakfast but it's oh well yeah well even But it's, oh, well, yeah. Well, even then,
it's just better.
I always believe
a little alcohol
during an interview setting
is helpful for people
who get nervous
being interviewed.
Although I would go on
Watch What Happens Live
and I would have
a little bit of alcohol
and there's been a few times
where I was like,
I shouldn't have done that.
Yeah, right.
I know what you mean.
I mean, because, yeah,
it should be a sip
or like a half a drink
before you're on television.
Yeah.
Not more than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then it shows up. Yeah, yeah, it should be a sip or like a half a drink before you're on television. Not more than that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because then it shows up.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
You can tell.
You can tell.
But, yeah, it's just a meal.
I love that it sort of takes the podcast out of the studio.
We're in a restaurant.
You hear the waiter come over the table.
You hear his order.
Sorry to interrupt, but Brad, can you fix Jesse's mic?
It's kind of falling down.
Yeah, move it closer.
Move it closer.
Put it in his mouth.
Put it in my mouth. put it in his mouth my mouth
put it in my mouth do you have any other receptacles that we can use the time that my
first husband literally put his dick in my mouth i was like oh hi what's your name
that's what he has a girlfriend who he's always setting up with uh her with like different guys
who has a girlfriend um justin my husband has a girlfriend and we're always setting her up with
these different guys and he's like i literally put a dick in a girl's mouth last night
it is true i set someone up recently um my friend was like having a relationship with a woman her
first relationship with a woman for about nine months and she's like i'm ready to try men again
and i was like i think i have someone that I used to have sex with who I'm no longer
having sex with
that is available
and great in bed
and he's a friend of mine still.
Comes highly recommended.
And I'm like,
I can vouch for him.
And she's like,
I don't want to have sex
with anyone you did.
I go, why?
Who cares?
We're all having sex.
Who cares if you have to?
I want to know
who all the players are
in this story.
It's over.
The sex with me
and him is over. So like, go for it. That attraction is over who all the players are in this story. It's over. The sex with me and him is over.
So like, go for it.
That attraction is over.
Anyway, she goes out with him.
I'm sure you know both of these people.
She goes out with him.
And the next morning, she's like, oh my God, it was a total, we had such a great time.
You know?
Yeah, I would be like interested in seeing him again.
He said, thank you so much for setting us up.
It was a great time.
Like, I would be so interested.
And I was like, oh, I've successfully set up two people
just off the top of my head.
An ex-lesbian and an ex-lover.
And an ex-lover.
I mean, so I feel like it made me feel very good about myself.
Yeah, your instincts are great.
Also in that you had good taste in, you know, your previous lovers.
I mean, did I?
I don't know.
I don't know who this person is. Right. I do have good taste. He has, he's good taste in your previous lovers. I mean, did I? I don't know. I don't know who this person is.
Right.
I do have good taste.
He has.
He's good taste.
I feel like every time I've seen you with someone, I was like, oh, that makes sense.
Who are you with now?
I'm not sure.
Okay.
I don't know where I am.
I don't know who I'm with.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Okay.
All right.
You've been in a relationship for a long time.
It's been a really long time.
You have two children.
We just sold two children now.
Yeah.
I don't think I've seen you since I had kids.
Not twins.
I usually cut off relationships with people when they have children, so that makes sense.
That does make, it's tracks.
That's true.
It's all tracks.
Yeah, I have, I've been married, I'll be 11 years in July that I've been married, and
we have a four-year-old and like an 18-month-old.
And how is that?
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's good. It's good. It's good. Yeah. Yeah. My husband just looked at a school today. Like
we're at that place where we're looking for schools. Yeah. I mean, oh my God. You really
have to think about everything when you're having a kid. It's not just about having a kid. It's about
the next 20 years of getting raped by every school system. I mean, it's so ridiculous, the stories I hear.
I know, I know.
And Justin's, you know, he's on like group chats
with all the other moms.
And like, he's the only like,
we're the only same sex couple at the preschool right now.
So he's like, he's on this group chat with all these moms.
And then he's like, and then me, Justin.
And they're all talking about schools
because they're all, you know,
trying to figure out where to place their kids as well.
And they're just really working him up.
He gets worked up very easily.
And he's really stressing out about things.
So I'm glad he finally looked at a school so that we could have something, like, feasible, you know, like, actual, like, concrete to look at.
Yeah.
How do you feel about—how would you grade yourself as a parent?
I think I'm doing okay.
We have—I think I'm doing okay.
I benefit from a lot of help. We have, my mother-in-law is really helpful. I'm pretty good,
but I definitely need like breaks. So it's good to have. And when you say breaks, like,
what do you mean? Like going away for like 20, 21 days, 28 days, every six months. I like to go
away for 28 days. I'll leave a photo of myself by the crib.
Get myself sorted and then reenter.
That's right.
That's actually a great plan for me.
That's what I need.
Like when I work two months, I need a month off.
I'm like, you go, go, go, go, go.
And then, you know, like when your slow times are slow, they're super slow.
And then when you're busy, you're like, I don't even know.
I feel like I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
Totally.
You know, I get built in breaks because I get to go away for work sometimes.
That's nice.
Yeah.
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
I mean, my husband doesn't love being left alone with the kids.
I was doing a play in New York for like four months and right after my second was born
and I was like, Papa was a rolling stone.
Like he had no idea who I was.
You know, just not present.
Right.
Right.
I've had that kind of relationship, but only with one of my dogs and not an actual
person, which would be more.
Yeah.
So you're actually worse, a worse person than I am in that comparison.
That's what I'm getting at.
Yeah.
Right.
How did you like that schedule for the theater?
It's hard.
It is.
It's hard.
Because also people think that, you know, you only work like a few hours in the evening.
I'm like, oh, but you have your whole day free.
I'm like, you're a monster. You have your whole day to stress out about performing that
night is what you have yeah i don't think i could do that schedule yes you could no i don't i
couldn't first of all seven days or six days a week right or is it seven days six days a week
eight performances yeah six days a week yeah i need more than one day wake off and i understand
that what that goes into that because i do stand up i. I mean, I don't do theater, so I'm not, you know,
it's me just being myself. So it's probably
in a sense much easier.
But knowing all day long that
you have to do what you have to do, it affects
everything you do all day.
Yeah, you're thinking about it all day.
I prefer to just do stand-up in the morning,
record myself, and be done with it and send
it out that night. You know what I mean?
Totally. So that i have
a day for you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i could do what you want at night totally i know i'm not i'm
not great but that's the other thing that's changed with kids like i really am starting to shut down
at like 6 30 p.m like that's if we're not like in the process of eating dinner i'm kind of screwed
because i want to be i want to be sleeping by the time like yeah my kids go down which which is 8, 8.05. I go to sleep pretty early.
Last night I was in bed at 7.30.
Oh, that's amazing.
And I mean, because I get shit done between like 5 a.m. and 8 a.m.
or 6 to 9, I can get a lot done.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then I'm much more productive.
But that's how I feel.
Like anytime I have plans at night, and I don't have kids,
so I don't know if this is an age thing.
It must be. Because anytime I have plans at night, I I don't have kids, so I don't know if this is an age thing. It must be.
Because anytime I have plans at night, I'm like, is it going to happen?
Like, am I going to be able to truck on through?
But I find L.A. to be such a sleepier town.
When I'm in New York, I'm capable of many more things.
Absolutely.
You can fill a night.
But also, if I know I have to do something like it anytime after 8 p.m if i'm not out of my
house i won't make it like i need to be taken out of my house i need to like be entertained
off the premises until whatever this event is it's like actually like a kid yeah yeah you have
to keep me entertained until i have to go perform that's right that's exactly right because every
every engagement is there's a level of performance, which is also fucking annoying.
Do you have to take anything to help you sleep? Do you take weed or anything?
Oh, yeah. I take all sorts of shit. I take gummies. Sometimes I take Xanax if I'm traveling and there's a time difference. I've decided most recently to ignore time zones. I've decided they don't exist.
You kind of have to, yeah. Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii. I have like this whole like international loop I'm doing.
And I'm like, I'm just going to have to get ahead of this because that's all I have.
That's the only defense I have.
But I will take like Xanax for that.
I love Xanax.
Xanax is my favorite.
Yeah, yeah.
And then I, but I try not to take that, you know, multiple nights a week.
Do you need it for anxiety as well or just to help you sleep?
I recently started to use it.
Like I tried it for anxiety during the day because I went through like a stressful couple of months recently with my house and all this stuff that was going on.
I just felt very stressed out and I was taking it during the day.
I was also smoking multiple joints a day during the day.
And then I was like, I've got to get through this period of time.
And then, of course, those periods of time always come to an
end, right? Like you're out of the cycle of the level of stress you felt. It doesn't ever, that's
the great thing about being stressed out. It doesn't last forever. Yeah. So that feels good.
I feel much better this week. I feel much better. Like, you know, higher vibes. Less like I'm in
the afternoon, like where's the Xanax like I'm okay now
mommy needs a joint and a Xanax
but I love joints
do you like smoking weed?
I do gummies
much better for you to take gummies
one of my favorite things that you did
I don't know if you had a good experience doing it
but was it the Chelsea Does series?
yes I loved that
and the Chelseaelsea does drugs
yes where you had the weed meal yeah and then you went on ayahuasca as well yes fucking fantastic
oh thanks fantastic i just love watching that that dinner too and you and like fortune
and like that group of people just getting so ridiculous we were high for seven days after that
you don't understand what was like because it was in the food. So, you know, you drugged yourself.
But you can't overdose on weed. That's the thing. You can just get super, super high.
No, you could just act like a moron for a week afterward. You could do that for your podcast, but it's better with the visuals, I guess. Are you going to have visuals on your podcast?
We haven't done that yet because people don't like eating in front of a camera.
Oh, yeah. That is a problem.
And also we're in restaurants, you know, and there's, you know, real people having meals around us.
But David Chang is doing that show on Netflix.
Yeah, but it's more like his is more produced.
I mean, that's a TV show.
They have a budget.
Oh, right, right.
And no one, moreover, nobody wants to hear people eating.
No, no.
So I forget.
I want to cancel what I retracted my earlier statement.
Okay, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back
with Jesse Tyler Ferguson.
I'm Jason Alexander.
And I'm Peter Tilden.
And together on the
Really No Really podcast,
our mission is to get the true answers
to life's baffling questions like
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go all the way to the floor.
We got the answer.
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We talk with the scientist who figured out
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Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts?
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Hello, my friend.
Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park.
Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir.
Bless you all.
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And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging.
Really?
That's the opening?
Really, No Really.
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This week, we'd love for you to write in about your secrets. If you'd like advice about a secret
that you're keeping for yourself or someone else, write into DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com.
And we're back with Jesse Tyler Ferguson, who is an absolute delight.
We're just sitting here gossiping in the back about our lives, basically.
I don't know if you can gossip about yourself.
I guess that's not gossiping.
You can.
Yeah, you can.
So apparently.
Apparently I was.
We're going to have people call in and write in, and you put your good L.A. Apparently I was.
We're going to have people call in and write in and you put your good L.A. therapy to work.
Oh, gosh.
I'm assuming you've been to therapy at some point. Oh, have I ever.
Currently in it.
Well, that L.A. therapy will come in handy because our first email comes from M.
And the subject line is WeHoGayNeedsHelp.
Oh, it's a local.
It's a local.
I probably know this person.
Hey, Kyle.
I love to give back to the community, so
let's go. I just sat up
so erectly in anticipation.
I was ready.
So M says, Dear Chelsea,
I'm going to keep this as concise as
possible because as an avid listener, I know
you hate lengthy write-ins.
Thank you. I love him, he's integrated into my life, and truly is someone I care about and don't want to lose.
Here's the issue.
He almost consistently goes after any guy I show interest in.
Usually after I've hooked up with them or we've dated.
I found out recently through mutual friends he hooked up with a guy I had intense feelings for and had a bad falling out with.
I told him about those feelings and yet, a month it sounds like you're up.
Well, let me just tell you, I've been this guy in this situation.
Have you?
When I first moved to LA, I would go out with my, he's a famous actor, I'll tell you.
He has such a very euphonious voice.
It's going to be great on a podcast.
Seriously.
Thank you.
It's just very nice to hear and to listen.
Thank you.
Yeah.
But every time we went out, he would hook up with the person I showed interest in every time. Yeah, it's someone I'm sure you know. And we remained friends. And I
just had to sort of decide whether or not his friendship was meaningful enough for me to
overlook that. I mean, every time I went out, he was at my side. There was moments that I went out
with other people, and then I didn't have to worry about him. But I did make fun of him I was like I can't believe everyone I show interest in you like
yeah immediately go after yeah that just sounds like sabotage right blatant sabotage a little bit
but it's also like like trying to sabotage you get in your way the entire gay community is trying to
sabotage each other they're all trying to sleep with each other that's a thing I mean men are
dogs and then you put a whole bunch of men men who are interested in other men in the same room.
That's exactly right.
What are you expecting to happen?
Exactly right.
It almost gives you permission to do whatever the fuck you want.
Why has there not been an all-gay bachelor?
Because everyone would just be fucking each other in the bachelor house.
Like, it hasn't happened.
Because it wouldn't happen.
Because the rules, they don't apply.
Yeah.
So, I don't know.
I kind of feel like it is sort of just the way of, yeah, it sucks that your friend's doing that to you but i don't know i do i don't know i i
really i i think you just kind of have to lean into it or yeah yeah absolutely you could lean
into it or like do you need to be friends with this person is what like what did i miss is he
just in the general group of everybody no he they're like they're like besties. It's like his person.
He'll help them out of closets
or the support system.
Okay, so then you're going to have to
really work just to get past it
and accept the behavior.
I mean, not...
What am I saying?
Just take it.
No, you're going to have to talk.
Don't you think they have to have a conversation?
Because you have to be called out for that.
But I think he said he did have a conversation? Like, because you have to be called out for that, don't you?
But I think he said he did have a conversation about, like, how that guy, like, really hurt him. And the guy went after him anyways.
Right?
Yeah.
And I do like the making fun of him for it that you mentioned earlier.
Like, he's got to be.
Yeah.
Like, you can't ignore it.
Right.
I mean, it is very obnoxious behavior from your friend.
Yeah.
I mean, like, next time he's showing interest in someone,
I'm like, but I better step aside
because you're probably going to roll right on over there, aren't you?
I mean, I don't know.
Listen, I'm always up for, like, being super upfront with someone,
letting them know when you're, you know, annoyed with their behavior.
But at the end of the day,
you got to realize there are a whole bunch of gay men in a room
and they're all just going to try and sleep with the poor.
Maybe you're not being active enough.
Maybe our writer, maybe M's not being active enough and like being aggressive enough.
Maybe it's just an opportunity to up the game.
I don't know.
I don't like to like, I wouldn't be friends with somebody that was doing that all the time.
You know what I mean?
Like there's too many other people to hang out with.
That is true.
Maybe find better friends.
I wouldn't be friends with somebody who was like openly trying to sabotage me after I called them out about it and continue to do it. It's like, is that
friendship actually worth it for you? If it is, then yeah, get over it. So there we go. Problem
solved. And I'm done for the day. Okay. Clocking out. Clocking out. You're welcome.
Well, our next question comes from Cameron. Cameron says, Dear Chelsea,
I'm a 50-year-old gay man. I had lots of sex in the past living in Mexico, Spain, Argentina,
and Brazil. I think I'm stuck thinking that I'm only, quote, interesting while being a foreigner
living abroad and domestic relationships seem out of reach since I feel like I am a dime a dozen average homo. What is your secret to cultivating exciting relationships while globetrotting?
And is my love of adventure abroad a sign that I'm unable to have a long-term relationship or
is it just fun? Loving you, Cameron. There is something about being a vagabond and Catherine,
we had someone call in the other day where this was kind of analogous, where there is something about being very peripatetic around the world.
Peripatetic?
And also, yeah, yeah.
Tell me what that means.
Try and keep up.
Like somebody who's constantly on the move.
Okay.
Okay.
Now spell it.
Spell it.
P-A-R-I-T-E-P-E-T-I-C.
Peripatetic.
So there is something about when you're a vagabond or a globetrotter or however you want to like when you bounce around a lot.
Nomad.
You're not very, yeah, you're not very anchored anywhere.
So it kind of is prohibitive to actually finding a long term love.
But what I'm hearing from him is that he just wants adventure love and all these different ports in the storm.
Correct.
Like that's also what I'm about.
I like that.
Yeah.
And Cameron, do we have you with us here?
Oh, he's on the phone.
Oh, yeah.
He's on the phone.
Great.
Let's get down to business.
I mean, we have Jesse Tyler Ferguson here.
Who better to guide us through this storm?
We have the same taste in men.
All those countries.
I was like, yep, I get it.
Brazil, Mexico.
I was like, yeah.
It feels like every gay guy loves those countries. Oh, Mexico. Like, yeah. It feels like every gay guy loves those countries.
Oh, yeah.
It's true.
It's true.
It's true.
We do.
There's also something so mysterious about being, you know, the stranger in a new land.
But what I was also getting from him is that he was frustrated that that sense of he's more enticing in other countries.
Like he's not as exciting here.
Well, I can relate to this because I travel so much.
I love to be on the move.
Like I get very bored if I'm in like LA for too long
and I have no reason to be other than Doug who, you know.
Oh, there he is.
Oh, hi.
Good to see you.
Hi, we have Jesse Tyler Ferguson here today
as our special guest.
Hello.
Hi, Jesse.
Hi, Chelsea.
Hey, how's it going?
Good. Hello. Hi, Chelsea. Hey, how's it going? Good-ish.
Okay.
So elaborate a little bit on your letter.
Like, are you looking for a long-term relationship
or are you looking for just more lovers in different places?
Well, I would take either one of those.
But, you know, I love a relationship that is distant, but close. How do you mean?
I would like to feel like I have access to a relationship, but I don't want to be in my
place all the time. Right. I'm with you. I relate to you completely. I feel the same way. I like to have
little fun actions, but repeated customers. It's nice to have the same guy like somebody in Spain
that I see when I go there and somebody I see when I go there and there. So I understand what
you're saying. But I would say that attitude in it of itself, it doesn't have to be prohibitive,
but it can be. For me, I had to really change the way that I looked at it.
I had to really kind of energetically be more open-minded about being open about what I was looking for with other people.
But like saying very honestly and upfront in the beginning, like making it very clear, this is fun.
This is not going to be long-term.
If it is, that wouldn't be the plan.
Everything is going to be happening naturally and there's no pressure on anything. And I will also be dating other people. I feel
like when you are very honest with yourself about being that way, it attracts more people that are
interested in what you're doing and are like-minded. Yeah. I just think that your situation is ideal for me because I would love to have that kind of opportunity to jump around a little bit.
Didn't you say that that's what you were doing is going to Argentina and Brazil and all these different places? and really had a lot of success because I kind of had a built-in narrative about how I'm interesting
because I'm living in these different countries or I am a foreigner who has a little bit of extra sparkle because of that.
Are you thinking that you don't have that shine and sparkle here?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Here in America?
Yeah, it just doesn't feel like I have the same amount of allure.
I think that's just you being down on yourself because I think you're very alluring.
I hear an accent.
Where are you from?
Oh, Minnesota.
Oh, really?
Oh, okay.
It all sounds like Dutch or something.
Just say you're Dutch.
Just go in and be like, I'm here from Switzerland.
Life is a company that speaks for energy.
First of all, inhibit this aura that you want. When you're feeling like you're down on yourself,
that kind of shows up in your physicality. And I can kind of see it as you're talking about it.
I mean, if you believe that, then that is kind of your truth. If you choose to believe you are from, you have had all these experiences. I'm sorry. I thought you meant you
were currently going to all these places. So I misread that, but, or misheard it. But I think
you need to just like build yourself back up and whether that's like every day being like, all
right, here's a new day. Here's a new day for me to have like positive energy about myself. All of
those things that you're talking about are part of your history that makes you a unique person and a unique human
being who has something to offer people that nobody else has to offer them. Don't you think?
A 100%. Yeah. Also, where are you living right now?
In Seattle.
Okay. Do you tend to go to the same places over and over and over like your same haunts if you go
out?
No, I'm not going out a lot well that's part
of the problem too you got to get out there you got to go to things go to events go to concerts
do you like music yeah yeah go to concerts go to like low-key concerts you know where you're going
to be mingling with people and standing around talking to people and and go to bars and get
yourself out in the world a little bit more.
Nothing's going to come and knock on your door if you're not out there, you know?
Yeah.
I mean, I guess it's a way of like treating your own hometown like you would treat a city you were visiting,
like in Argentina or something,
and looking for those fun places where you would meet people.
Yeah, that is, I think, hard to do because it seems like,
oh, I know what
I'm going to see when I go out or I know who I'm going to meet. But you don't. You don't. You're
like stabbing yourself in the foot before you get out the door. You don't know who you're going to
see or who you're going to meet. And you should turn that, whatever that phrase, every phrase of
yours, do the opposite and start thinking the opposite. Just say, I don't know who
I'm going to meet. I don't know what I'm going to see. So you have to just do a complete dipsy doodle
and flip around, flip it and reverse it. Flip it and reverse it. But yeah, like go out, like find
the local museums and like all the things you would do when you were traveling. I mean, Seattle's
an incredible city. There's so much to do there. Yeah. And you just have to get outside of your
comfort zone.
Go to some events or they have public readings of things.
You can go to book events where they have authors.
You know, those kind of intimate settings where you're going to have something in common with the other people that are there and you're going to have a natural spark of conversation.
But get off of your ass and get out of your house is the bottom line.
You're a well-traveled, distinguished, good-looking guy.
Like, who wouldn't want to come talk to you?
But I think, you know, Chelsea, you're hitting the nail on the head, too.
It's not like you don't have to go be in the club.
Go somewhere where you can strike up a conversation with someone.
Yeah, that's really good advice.
I was like, what's the club?
The club.
I was like, what?
Don't go there, sir.
Do not go there.
The club's no good.
Yeah, it's a weird age, you know, 50, because I'm-
It's not, though.
I'm 49.
I'm 48.
I'll be 49 in a few months.
It's not that we're fine.
He always says, whatever age I am, he does that thing.
I go just a little lower.
Yeah, it's bullshit, by the way.
He's way older than me.
Yeah, it's not a weird age.
It's a weird age.
That's exact.
There's another sentence. 50 is a great age opposites everything you're saying do the opposite of 50 is awesome
this is a new adventure it's a new chapter get excited about your life because no one is going
to get excited about your life until you do yeah and i think also find some like cute polyamorous
person who like doesn't want to be in your space all of the time, but can give you those wonderful cuddles that you deserve and the intimacy.
Also, you know, you can go on these dating websites or apps, all of them, and be very clear about what you're looking for, like a casual lover or whatever, you know, the terminology that you're supposed to use.
I don't think that's it.
No, a casual lover is not it.
I can definitely attest to that
as a 48 and 11-month-old.
But you can go and be very clear
about what your intentions are.
You know, I know a lot of women
probably want more
or you think that they want more,
but you'll be surprised to find out
that there are a lot more people
on your wavelength than you think.
Oh, no, Cameron dates fellas.
Yeah.
Well, everything so far about this call,
I've gotten wrong.
So there's no reason to stop now.
I mean, I can't even keep track of what's going on.
Maybe I am in a midlife.
I'm in a breakdown.
You know what?
I'm actually in my mental breakdown now.
You know what they say, 50 is a weird year.
Yeah.
Hard to decide what midlife crisis you want to have,
but yeah,
it's good advice to just get over myself and get out.
Oh yeah.
Definitely get out.
And gay men are definitely not going to care that you want to have casual
relationships at all.
Okay.
I just appreciate the advice.
And I think,
I don't,
I don't think you should be.
Thank me.
Thank Jesse.
But I don't,
obviously I'm on another podcast right now he's like I called into Dear Chelsea it was so weird
everything was wrong it's like going to a psychic or medium and they're like I see you have a son
they're like I don't like I see him though I see him, though. But I see him, yeah.
All right, well, anyway, good luck.
And keep us posted when you find your part-time lover or all of your part-time lovers.
But also, listen, before you go,
I do want to be serious about saying that
you have to talk to yourself in a positive way.
It actually makes a difference.
You may think I don't know what I'm talking about,
but I do.
I do know.
I do it all the time. If you get into a negative headspace, it's your job to get yourself
out of it. And you have to do that by being positive, putting yourself out in nature,
going out and doing things that you normally wouldn't do. It really builds your self-esteem
and it builds your self-worth. So stop poo-pooing on everything and saying, oh, this isn't going to
be fun and say, this is going to be fun. I'm going to go out and have a good time. And I promise you, you're going to start having a
better time in life. I will stop poo pooing. Okay. All right. Peace out. Thank you. Thanks,
Cameron. Wow. That was a real doozy. Mostly for me, but mostly for me. Oh my God. It looked like
he was in the Hamptons.
It reminded me of Shelter Island.
Have you ever been to Shelter Island?
Yeah.
I was like, oh, that looks so nice.
Cold, wet, rainy.
I love that.
Everyone in L.A. hates the rain.
I love the rain.
I love that East Coast, like, damp, where you don't really—
That moody weather.
Yeah, where you don't want to go out.
I do like not having to go out.
Yeah, like just getting in bed and watching TV at, like, 2 in the afternoon.
I love that. Move to Seattle. Yeah, well, if you bed and watching TV at like 2 in the afternoon. I love that.
Move to Seattle.
Yeah, well, if you go to Seattle, you go to bed at 2 because it's dark out at 3.
What's next, Catherine?
Well, our next caller is Genevieve.
And, Jessie, I think this is like a perfect call for you,
so I'm really excited that this worked out timing-wise.
Let me sit up a little straighter.
From what I have read, this is part of your truth.
So Genevieve says, Dear Chelsea, I grew up laughing at your comedy on Chelsea Lately,
and you definitely shaped my sense of humor into what it is today.
I was excited to learn you not only had a podcast, but were offering your solicited advice.
You're welcome.
I'm a regular at my local gym, and I self-identify as a total baddie.
I love feeling strong and sexy during my workouts, but nothing ruins my workout harder than unwanted, thirsty gym boys hitting on me during my session.
When I'm at the gym, I tend to avoid eye contact, stay focused on my workout, and never, ever smile at anyone.
I'm here for myself and not to socialize.
However—
Right.
Calm down.
Jesus.
It's like, fuck, we get it.
She should wear one of those signs, no molesting.
No molestar.
However, lately, this new boy has started working out at the same time as me.
And I have to admit, I cannot not notice him.
He is sexy and delicious, 100% my type, and I want to know who he is.
I feel stumped.
How do I approach this sexy man
at a place where I so strongly hate being hit on myself? I can tell that he too is focused
on his own workout and I understand how annoying it can be when someone interrupts. Genevieve.
Wow, this is a very pressing matter. Hi, Genevieve. Hi, Genevieve. Hi, guys. Okay,
so you're trying to just figure out how to basically go up and hit on this guy or introduce yourself, not hit on him.
Yeah, in a space where, like, I don't want people to approach me in that area.
And I can tell he's focused on his workout.
We're doing different things.
Like, how do I go up and, like, just even...
Can't you find him on Instagram?
Like, it would be better to DM him, I think, in that scenario.
How to find out his name, you mean? Yeah, like, how do you find someone on Instagram like it would be better to DM him I think in that scenario how to find out his name you mean yeah like how do you find someone on Instagram well first you have to find out what
their name is yeah go to the girls at the front and be like listen I think that guy is cute tell
me his name oh that's a good idea get them on your team yeah that's a good idea but then she's
talking to people she doesn't want to talk to this is a very difficult quite a predicament she's like look i want i want to i want this
to go down but i want to go down on my terms well i want this to go down but i'm not willing
to break the rules that i put in place to make this go down so it's very yes it is quite a
predicament i mean i would just put myself in line of fire with him be like whatever he's doing be
like oh are you using this
thing? So it doesn't look like you're like,
like, hi, my name's Genevieve, what's your name?
But you're like, just
a casual thing so that you could
start a conversation, like, even
if he's like, oh, no, I'm done with that 20 pound,
whatever, at least you've started
some sort of a conversation.
You know, I met my husband at the gym, in the
locker room, so... Way to bury the lead. You know, I met my husband at the gym in the locker room. So way to bury the lead.
I know.
I know.
Well, that's why I feel like this is why I was being teed up.
I discovered this on the internet.
I was hoping it was true.
Yeah.
So I'm not suggesting you follow him into the locker room, although that would strike
up conversation.
I mean, he definitely be like, what's going on?
That's all to say you never know where you're going to meet your person.
And I didn't think I'd meet mine in the locker room of the Equinox in West Hollywood.
Calm down.
Pretty popular gym.
I mean, we were also fully clothed.
We were fully clothed.
But that's where it happened.
And so I would just, and you know what?
Justin did not want to approach
me because he recognized me from television and he lived in he'd grown up in LA and he's like
I don't want to bother him he probably gets bothered all the time and he's like you know
what fuck it I'm gonna say something he had just started working on marriage equality they were
trying to pass it here in California with proposition 8 was happening and so he's like
I'm just gonna talk to this guy and say I think that this show that you're on is going to really help that fight for marriage equality.
So it came from actually a very connected place.
So I think it's, you know, as long as you're not coming in in a creepy way,
I don't think there's anything wrong with putting yourself in the line of fire and be like,
are you done with this set?
Or I've seen you a lot here.
You look like you're really focused and you're looking good or whatever. I mean, I don't know. I'm also terrible with like one liners. But no, I don't
think it needs to be a one liner. I think that's true. Like the spirit of it just has to be like
natural and organic, you know, I mean, intentional, like you want to go over there and, you know,
brush past him or whatever, or have an interaction with him. So if you keep in mind that that's what
you're doing, like in a fun way,
like it doesn't have to be awkward. You can just go, oh, wow, like you're super focused. You like
how focused you are. I'm breaking my own rule right now and saying hello to someone at the gym.
I hate when people say hello to me, but I love it. That's a good one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Would
you ask him to teach you something? Would you ever walk over and ask to be finger blasted?
Also a conversation starter.
That is definitely a conversation starter.
Or an ender.
It depends who you're talking to.
Finger blasted.
Oh, no.
What if I ask that and then he's like, I have a girlfriend?
Well, then you know.
And that's okay, too.
There will be more cute guys at the gym. Who cares? I met Justin when he had a girlfriend. Well, then you know. And that's okay, too. There will be more cute guys at the gym.
Who cares?
I met Justin when he had a boyfriend.
I asked him out, and he's like, I'm actually seeing someone, but we can go out as friends.
I was like, oh, no, I have enough friends.
And it was fine.
And then he came back around.
He broke up with his boyfriend, and I was like, okay, now let's go.
But, yeah, so he has a girlfriend.
You're not asking him out.
You're just saying hi.
Yeah, exactly.
And also, who cares? So if he has a girlfriend and that's the end of it, then great.
More information for you to move on.
Or you could just keep your mind open.
Yeah.
Cause people break up all the time.
It's not a big deal.
So don't make it one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you're not creepy.
So he will not be creeped out.
Yeah.
Just, just remember when you're doing it, like this is going to be fun and light, like
have a good time doing it.
You know, when I was younger, people always used to be like when I started performing live, people would always be like, just have a good time.
And you're like, I can fucking have a good time.
I'm fucking nervous and I have to go out there and I have to perform.
And it's like once you realize that it is really about having a good time and that your good time is going to infect every other person you're coming into contact with, then you're fine.
And then you can have a good time.
So just think of it that way.
Like you're about to go spread good vibes and good joy.
And who doesn't like that?
Who doesn't like being encountered with good vibes and good joy?
Yeah.
I mean, even if he's like, oh, she might have been hitting on me,
but I'd be flattered if someone came up to me at the gym and just like
struck up conversations like, oh, maybe they think I'm cute.
Like it makes me feel good.
Okay.
You're pumping me up.
That's good to hear.
Yeah.
Okay, good.
Yeah.
And I don't think you have to like ask him to marry you like the first time you talk
to him.
I like a build of sexual tension per my friend, Wendy.
It's nice to build a flirtation because really a flirtation, the beginning of the relationship
is the most fun part.
And you can, as long as like, if you can stretch that out and have a fun flirt, imagine how
much fun you're going to have going to the gym.
Just knowing that you're going to bump into him like every time.
That's fun.
I like that.
Yeah, that's exciting.
I like that idea too.
Okay.
Well, good luck.
Thank you.
I appreciate your guys' insight.
Bye.
That didn't feel like a real problem.
I mean, it was a real problem to poor Genevieve.
Yeah, I guess she must take her own rules at the gym pretty seriously.
Very seriously.
Like, it's like, all right, I made rock.
No, I can't say hello.
I have a strict no talking policy.
She does.
But I thought that Jessie would be the perfect person to encourage her since.
Because of Justin.
I love that.
I didn't know that story about you meeting your lover there.
Yeah.
I do love the added element of in the locker room.
Oh, gosh.
Let's take a quick break and we'll wrap up with one other little question.
Okay.
We're going to be right back with Jesse.
He has to take a bath.
I'm going to give him a bath.
I'm Jason Alexander.
And I'm Peter Tilden.
And together on the Really No Really podcast,
our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like
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We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you
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Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir.
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And we're back.
So clean.
I know.
I've recently gotten into candles.
I didn't know about those earlier.
Thank you for getting my back.
I can never reach it.
No, no, no problem.
I'm really good.
I actually have very strong hands from being a mountain woman all winter long.
Catherine, before we have to part ways with my lover, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, this is a very fun episode.
This is very fun.
It's about to get a little more fun because Sia is in a bit of a pickle.
Sia?
No, just Sia.
Let's call her Sia.
She's Sia.
She's using a pseudonym, so she's Sia now.
Sia is just writing in, so she's not joining us.
Okay.
Dear Chelsea and crew, I'm in a bit of a pickle.
I'm 24 years old, and I've always
thought myself to be straight until a little
over a year ago when my best friend and I
found ourselves, after a night of drinking,
to be making out, later leading to
sex. It all felt right,
and we haven't stopped to this day, although we
are both quote-unquote straight, and I have
still had sex with other men throughout this,
but nothing more than just casual hookups. I don't feel attracted to other women,
and neither does she, and we both have no plans of coming out about our quote
relationship anytime soon, but there's definitely more jealousy when we're with other people
or don't spend almost every day together. We act like we're in a relationship to each other,
even admitting that we're in love with each other, but remain friends to the outside world. And for added context that makes this harder, there's a 15-year age gap
between us and we live in a small town where everybody knows who we are. I'm just seeking
advice to navigate the situation. Do I stop completely to save ourselves from getting hurt
further as this all gets deeper, or do I just keep going and see what happens? See ya, she, her. So what she's described to us,
she's described to us a relationship that's in the closet.
That's like exactly what that is.
So let's just identify it first.
You're in a closeted relationship with your friend,
which, you know, that's something I can definitely relate to.
Listen, I mean, if you have feelings for one another,
I think, you know, it's worth talking about. I'm wondering where she's from. Is it a
small town that she doesn't feel safe being out? I don't think she actually says where,
but that's kind of the sense I got. I don't know. I mean, I'm all about like,
if you're in love, be in love and then figure out your way, you know, to make it happen together.
Yeah. I mean, it sounds like if there's like jealousy way, you know, to make it happen together. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like if, if there's like jealousy about, you know,
you being with other people and they don't want to spend time apart. I mean, that's,
that's what the best relationships are. I mean, the jealousy part is probably not great, but like,
you know, but you should want to spend a lot of time with the person that you love.
That's all, that's all good stuff. So I don't know.
I feel like you have to figure out a way
to be comfortable in this relationship.
I agree.
I think that,
and I wish she did say something
about where she was from
because I would say,
A, maybe you guys should move together
somewhere else
where you're going to feel more secure
being out in the open
or be out in the open where you are.
Give people some room to like accept it
and talk to your, like if you really care and you're in love with each other, then you should
be talking about what your immediate future is going to look like. And I would encourage you to
talk to like, if you want to talk to another party, like about how you go about doing that
in a more comfortable way with both of your families, you should talk to a therapist about it.
But I don't see, like,
this isn't going to end well as a secret.
Right.
Also, there's something that's interesting
is that there's a 15-year age gap.
I'm assuming she's 15 years older
because our writer's 24.
Correct.
Yeah.
So she's 39-ish.
Or nine.
Or nine. so she's 39-ish or nine or nine
which is a really different question
to be asking
um
yeah I mean
she's lived a life
you know
I bet she's almost 40 years old
like
I don't know
part of me also kind of feels
like your friend needs to be like
okay
like take the reins a little bit
help us out
like is this a thing
are we in love is this happening help? Help me out, mommy. Yeah. I think you got to, yeah. Somebody's
got to step up to the plate. Like it's just, there's no good story ending. You guys, if you
love each other, get together, figure out a plan forward and do something about it. No, but I think
that's good advice. And I think that's the advice she's kind of looking for. It's not like just
ignore this. And it doesn't matter that you're not attracted to other women.
You're attracted to this woman.
Right.
So this woman's like 39 and she's 24.
So she's worried about like judgment about that.
Again, I would say that you're 24 years old in the 39.
That's not disgusting.
No.
And, you know, kind of thinking about that, like like age gap too like your best friend would have grown
up in a time where it was still like oh are people gonna come out or not maybe it's for the younger
person to take the lead of like let's do this yeah no you got a good point there yeah right i mean
i've always dated men that are i mean i dated men that were 20 years older than me for like 20 years
until they got too old you know then I had to dial it back.
They aged out.
Yeah.
There's no like 15, 20 years is fine.
I mean, 20 years is a lot, but 15 years is okay.
I think that's okay.
Yeah.
And also, yes, take the lead as the younger person who's more with it and, you know, understands the way society and culture are working these days.
I would always like to, I always, as a personal rule, like to get ahead of a problem,
not behind one.
And you should get ahead of this problem because it doesn't have to be a problem.
Yeah.
And stop dating other people
because you're not interested in them.
And let us know what happens.
Yeah, I'm so interested.
Yeah, stop dating other people.
You guys are obviously together.
Yeah.
And let us know what town you move to.
We're assuming it's the town,
but like, I mean, maybe it's not the town.
She says everyone there knows who they are. Everyone knows. It just sounds like a very small town.
So of course my brain goes to a not very accepting place. Yeah. But that's just me. Yeah. Well,
you're a gay person, so you would know that better than me. I was just thinking why my mind wouldn't
think that. And it's like, oh, because I'm not discriminated against. Right, right, right.
Well, problem solved with that.
I'll discriminate against you, though.
I feel like I was going to ask you about being discriminated against about something else that you were saying earlier.
I wanted to say, did you feel discriminated against?
But now I forgot what that was about.
I don't remember. What could it have been?
This has been a blur.
I don't even remember coming in this room.
I feel like I've been here for days.
He woke up here this morning.
Oh, my goodness. Oh,
so funny. Thank you. People are really going to enjoy this. Jesse, you are so fun. I love being
with you. Oh, me too. This was so fun. And what's your podcast called? It's called Dinners on Me.
Dinners on Me. And invite me anytime and I'll be there. Oh my God. Would you do it? Absolutely.
I think you're on the schedule actually. Oh, okay. Well then that was a trick. What was that?
Was that a, like you pushed, you threw, you like throwing a carrot against the schedule, actually. Oh, okay. Well, then that was a trick. What was that? Was that a, like, you pushed, you threw, you're like throwing a carrot against the wall over
there so I turned my head?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Basically, basically that's exactly what happened.
No, I think you were on the schedule, but then maybe we had to reschedule.
I don't know.
No, we'll definitely do it.
It'll be fun.
You're on the list.
Yeah.
Add a little alcohol to this and who knows what could happen.
Okay.
Thank you.
Bye, guys.
We'll see you next week.
Bye.
Okay.
So upcoming shows that I have you guys I'm going to be in Hawaii on Maui Kahului and Honolulu I will be there in July also in July I'm coming to Niagara Falls
on July 27th I'm coming to Hollywood Florida for my only show in Florida on July 28th I'll be in
Auburn Washington on August 1st and then then Santa Rosa, California for my second show, August 2nd.
August 17th is the Santa Barbara Bowl.
You do not want to miss that.
And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina.
I'm coming to Texas.
I'm coming to St. Louis and Kansas City.
And then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the
Cosmopolitan Hotel. My first three dates in Vegas are September 1st, Labor Day weekend, and then
November 2nd and November 30th. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater on
November 8th. And I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December. So if you're in a city like Philadelphia
or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check ChelseaHandler.com for tickets.
Okay. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com
and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert,
executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our Brad Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law.
And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com.
I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really No Really
podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door
doesn't go all the way to the floor, what in the museum of failure and does your dog truly love you we have the answer go to really know really.com and
register to win 500 a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition sign jason bobblehead the
really know really podcast follow us on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your
podcasts welcome to decisions decisions the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid.
Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.
Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms.
Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions
Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast
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