Dear Chelsea - Meeting Men at Airports with Matteo Lane

Episode Date: July 6, 2023

Back by popular demand! Matteo Lane joins Chelsea in-studio to talk about how he found a healthy relationship, the importance of airplane etiquette, and dating after you’ve been to therapy.  Then: And a Peace Corps cutie wrestles with opening up his relationship with his long-distance love.  A newlywed has to choose between her wife’s feelings and her ex-girlfriend’s neediness.  And a fiance wonders if there’s something strange about her man traveling the world… without her. * Click here to check out Matteo’s new comedy special, Hairplugs & Heartache * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

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Transformational. The best antidote to a bad mood I've ever heard. Join the pack and start feeding your best self. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. This January, join me for our third annual January Jumpstart series. Starting January 1st, we'll have inspiring conversations to give you a hand in kickstarting your personal growth. If you've been holding back or playing small, this is your all-access pass to step fully into the possibilities of the new year. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure? And does your dog truly love you?

We have the answer. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really No Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, everybody. It's the week of July 4th, and I would like to say, in honor of Independence Day, is that what July 4th is? Yes, it is. Independence Day. I've forgotten because all of our holidays need to be canceled, right? Like Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm sure Flag Day is. There's something wrong with that, too. No, nothing's wrong with Flag Day. Actually, that's a good day to have a threesome.

I always say, you know, it's a three-day weekend. If it's a three-day weekend or it's flag day, then you can get up to some funky stuff like anal or whatever you're into. I love that. I invented anal, so thank you. Thank you for your gift to the world. Chelsea, do you think that your partner should also be your best friend? I don't care about any. Well, I mean, I guess I don't care. I mean, you know, sometimes that's great and sometimes it's not.

Ultimately, yes, they have to be your closest confidant and know everything. I mean, you don't have to tell them everything. Obviously, I think women have friends and then they have their spouse. And yeah, if you can combine those two. But it's very annoying when people are like, he's my best friend. I'm marrying my best friend. Yeah, he's my best friend. Like I was texting with my girlfriend the other day and she's like, I go, let me guess.

Because she took a while to text me back. I go, hello. Hello. I'm like, shalom. Where are you? And she writes, she's like, sorry, sorry. I was cooking. And I said, yeah, I bet you're listening to a podcast and you're cooking in the kitchen

because that's her thing. And she goes, and then my husband, whose name I'll leave out. She goes, then he came home and just ruined my whole afternoon. And I was like, that's the kind of honesty I'm looking for. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. It's nice to fall in love and have those feelings.

But I think as you age, it's the closest person to you. So do they also need to be your bestie? It's a little interdependent. Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, it's great to have a friendship with your partner, but also like you should have other best friends. Well, you should definitely have a friendship with your partner because that's a problem a lot of people have where they feel like they're in love, but they don't like their partner. So it's very important to like your partner because without that, then there's that comes with respect. And if you don't respect them,

then then everything falls apart. I feel really lucky. I grew up with a dad who was like women can get anything they want on their own. They can get money. I grew up with a dad who was like, women can get anything they want on their own. They can get money. They can have their own house. They can have their own lives. They can give themselves orgasms. But the one thing they can't do is make themselves laugh. That's what you should look for. Someone who like you dig their vibe and they crack you up. OK, guys, we have added more shows to my little big bitch tour because I'm coming all over. We had a second show at the Pantages in Los Angeles. So that's October 12th and Friday the 13th, which is my favorite day of the week

or the year, I guess. We added a second show in Boston at the Wang Center. September 29th and 30th is two shows in New York. I also have a show in East Hampton, New York, August 26th. We added a second show in Portland. So Thursday, November 2nd, Friday, November 3rd in Portland, November 4th and 5th in San Francisco, two shows there. We added a second show in Seattle, November 10th and 11th. Two shows Boston are November 16th and 17th at the Bach Center, Wang Theater. And I'm also coming to Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and so many other cities, Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville. So I will see everybody at all of these shows. Thank you. Get your tickets at ChelseaHandler.com. Our next guest is back by popular demand because

everybody just loved him and his absolute gayness which everybody appreciates on this show our gay guests are our highest rated guests who knew we had just a bunch of uh what are we called when you hang out with gay guys they used to be called fag hags but we can't say that right fruit flies you can't say that either oh really fruit flies are out uh okay so bravo fans. But I don't even watch Bravo. You know what I'm so sick of? I'm so sick of hearing about that fucking show with whatever just happened and Maddox and some divorce. They sent me a breakdown to explain it on social media for all of the people who don't watch the show and need to understand what's going on.

I was like, thank you for this chart graph. Anyway, his new special is available on YouTube. It's called Hair Plugs and Heartache. And you're going to fucking love it because everybody loves Matteo Lane. So welcome, Matteo Lane. Thank you. Thanks for having me.

I'm so excited to be back. Having you back. This is your second appearance. Like, Juliana Margulies, who's also very popular on this podcast, we have had two. She's coming back as well. Well, she'll be back for her third episode.

But I have to tell you, Matteo, so much has happened. I have so many But I have to tell you, Mateo, so much has happened. I have so many men that want to fuck you that contact me about fucking you. So one of my new friends, a newer neighbor actually, was like, oh my God, you got to set me up with Mateo.

And I was like, all right, but I think he's kind of into boys his own age. I didn't know that. I just assumed, I've only seen you out with a couple of guys and it seems to be consistent. And you have a type. And so I let him know that. I just assumed. I've only seen you out with a couple guys, and it seems to be consistent. And you have a type. And so I let him know that he's not it.

And he's like, well, can you just ask him? And I asked him. And then I heard the news. And this morning, I was leaving my house, and my assistant Casey, I said, oh, Mateo's on the podcast, because we've recorded Joel Kim Booster yesterday. I love Joel Kim Booster. Yeah, yeah. He's pretty solid.

And he was like, oh, I'm so obsessed with Mateo. I go, oh, my God, everyone wants to fuck Mateo. And then I found out that Mateo has a boyfriend. I know. Wow. Well, it's all very new, but it's, I think, a couple months, but it's the healthiest thing that I've ever been involved with. Like someone who communicates and sees a therapist and understands themselves.

And I'm like, wow, this feels very healthy. That's new. Usually I love hot men that hate me. But he's great. He lives in Mexico and he's been in New York. I'm in Mexico.

We're going to Italy together in a couple of weeks. Oh, nice. So do you speak Spanish to him? I do. Well, we speak more English because his English is really good, but I do speak Spanish.

But I have an Italian accent when I speak Spanish. So everyone's an Italian accent when I speak Spanish, so everyone's like, you sound like Mario. Super Mario? Yeah. Hola, wahoo! You know, pretty embarrassing. But yeah, I'm really, it feels very good, very healthy.

And he also understands like, I mean, it's long distance, but I'm like, anyone who dates me is going to have to date long distance. You know, we're on the road. It's preferable in a relationship. I think it is preferable in our day and age there are so many ways to communicate and the only way to not get sick of somebody is to not see them all the time I agree and it keeps the fire burning right yes yes but it's nice that so many people you don't want to fuck me I know I feel good I know I mean you must be

used to that though getting hit on by people's friends or wanting people, people wanting to set you up with their friends. Right. Yes, that happened. That does happen pretty often. But, you know, I don't know. I'm I kind of just I'm on planes. I play video games and I do shows. So how did you hook up with this guy? I just started following him on Instagram because he was so gorgeous. And then I sent him like a heart emoji and he like sent one back. Then we're just chatting. It was like casual check. Then it was chatting all the time. Then he's like, well, here's my number. gorgeous. And then I sent him like a heart emoji. And he like sent one back. Then we're just chatting. It was like casual chat. Then it was chatting all the time. Then he's like, well, here's my number.

And then it was FaceTiming all day. Before you saw each other? Before. Were you FaceTiming? Yeah. And then I met him at the airport in New York. And then before I met him, I was like, what the fuck? Why did I agree to this?

Like some stranger's coming to my home. Now I got to like take him around New York. The second I met him, I thought he's going to be in my life for a while. That's cute. What do you mean you met him York. The second I met him, I thought he's going to be in my life for a while. That's cute. What do you mean you met him at the airport? I picked him up. Oh, that's old school, Mateo. I know.

I don't even know how to get to the airport. When you're meeting someone for the first time, do you like bring flowers? Do you bring? I brought him a protein bar. No, Catherine, no one's doing that. No one's bringing flowers or hard boiled eggs to the fucking airport. Oh, not those eggs. Catherine lives in La La Land.

I love that now, Chelsea, anytime I'm on a flight and I see something, like people with their feet up, I just text you. My DMs are so filled with people. They're like, I was on this flight from Singapore to whatever, and look what happened.

And I'm like, I want to help you people, but I need to stop getting feet in my DMs. There was a New York Times article with this flight attendant who said, these are our requests moving forward. Please honor these things. And then one that I thought was interesting was,

don't recline your seat until you ask the person behind you. And I'm like, well, no. I disagree with that one. Disagree. I disagree too. So based on what that you can't recline, it's not like you're lying down in someone's lap.

Here's the thing. Traveling with a husband who's six foot five, even if he's sitting totally up straight, his knees are against the person's seat back. And so when they put it back like really hard, it's really painful. Oh, yeah. So that's that's what it is. I think if I have someone who's six foot five sitting behind me, I'll be sure to ask them. But usually I was peak, right?

Well, I think I agree with you. If everyone has the option to go back, because what are you going to say? You can't go back, but then I can. And that's that argument. Yeah, you can't go back because someone too tall is behind you. Also, like I get it. It's it's actually empathetic and compassionate to do that. But at the same time, it's like I have to sit erect because you're so tall. I mean, I just like and then I well, I always think it's like, I have to sit erect because you're so tall? Why? I mean, I just like, and then I, well, I always think it's so annoying when they come over and put your seat back up before takeoff. Like why? What the fuck is going to happen when I'm reclining 10 degrees during takeoff? Like is the whole plane going to blow up? But I thought it was interesting that the

flight attendants had this whole thing of rules. Please don't talk to other people's children. Don't yell at other people's children. Because there was this article that came out about South Korea that were doing public spaces that were talking about they wanted to prohibit children in certain public spaces. And I was like, even I think that's wrong because they're part of society. Like it's one thing to have a restaurant or a club that's no children allowed, but not in parks or like public areas. They have every right to be there. I don't want to see them either, but I don't want to discriminate against children. They didn't ask to be fucking born. Anyway, that's that. Back to your relationship, Mateo. Yes. When was the last time you had a

long-term relationship? Have you ever? Yeah, I did. I only had two boyfriends. And the last one was on and off for four years. But really on and off. I mean, we were together and then we broke up. So volatile? Would you describe it as volatile or turbulent? It was turbulent. It was a lot of turbulence.

And I didn't have a seatbelt. So, yeah. But, you know, we ended up becoming friends. Like him and I stayed friends. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah So yeah. But you know, we ended up becoming friends like him and I stayed friends. That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is the first person I've ever dated where I thought to myself like, oh, they also could be a friend. Like when I dated, I was always under the assumption like, well, this is dating. So like I have to behave a certain way or look a certain way. And with him, I'm like, oh, we can just be weird and go karaoke with each other and have fun and

be silly. And I don't care. You know what I mean? So it feels good. And isn't it a big difference when somebody has gone to therapy? Like, obviously, but I don't think I would date anyone who hasn't been to therapy. It definitely helps because it makes conversations much better. Deeper. Yeah. And I think honesty is key to most of it. Just be honest. Like, you know, I felt I was always a jealous person, but I realized it wasn't that I was jealous is that I was insecure because my partner in the past was doing things on purpose to get that out of me in a way to make themselves feel more secure. So now with him, like he'll be like, oh, yeah, when I dated this one guy and I don't feel a shred of jealousy or like, oh, that guy's attractive. Don't feel a shred of. I'm like, oh, that's because he's a

good communicator. Yeah. It's also the ability to communicate. The greatest thing about therapy and becoming in touch with yourself is the ability to articulate difficult emotions so that when you feel insecure or you feel jealous, you're actually able to communicate that. Like this makes me feel this way instead of, you know, a ridiculous reaction to that feeling. What's your therapy story? How long have you? I've been going to the same therapist for almost two years now. He's great. He's gay, which I really like.

That's probably best, right? Yeah, because I had a straight therapist for a minute. I would say certain things that he either wouldn't understand or he would say, well, just because you're gay doesn't mean everyone has it. I'm like, no, there are some things that are specific. It's a worldview thing. It's a worldview thing. My friend Joyelle Johnson, who's a great comic.

She was like, you know, I want to see a black woman because I'm black and they're going to understand my experiences. And it'll just make me more comfortable talking about my experiences. She helped me find my therapist. And I was like, yeah,

I feel like a gay guy would be, I don't have to explain anything. And she was like, you should find someone who's gay. And he's great. I see him every Tuesday. He's great. Yeah.

I would like, I had a gay therapist once. I did, because my friend was going to him and I thought it would be great. And it had no impact at all on our therapy. Like, I mean, it was obviously I don't need a straight therapist. I don't think I actually like to I relate to gay men a lot, too. So I find when you're around a straight for me, I become attracted to people when they're smarter than I am. So it didn't happen with Dan Siegel, thank God, because he's half the size of me.

So I wasn't going to be attracted to him. And I'm, you know, he's an older man and he's married. So that helped also us not to penetrate. But yeah, I like being vulnerable in front of a man. Yeah. For some reason, there's like a dynamic there that I respect, probably because I feel it's that little girl syndrome where you like want someone to take care of you. Yeah. And they're in a position of power and it's sort of any doctor. I want to fuck after they help me. You know what I mean? Anyone as soon as I like I have to go get an epidural in

my neck for my slip disc or whatever. My neck is so fucking annoying. And I'm going to be attracted to the anesthesiologist because they put me under. And anytime that happens, it doesn't matter what that person looks like. As soon as they are holding my hand and they're like, okay, count back from 10. I'm like, I want to have feelings for you. And then you never see them again. So it's kind of like the perfect encounter. It's like gay dating. Yeah. Okay. We're going to take a quick bubble bath and we'll be right back. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities.

I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance

because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right.

How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Inside you, two wolves are locked in battle. One thrives on fear and anger and doubt. The other, courage, wisdom, and love. Every decision, every moment feeds one of them. Which wolf are you feeding? I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed.

I've been there. Hom homeless, addicted, and lost. I know the power of small choices to turn your life around. On this podcast, I sit down with thinkers, leaders, and survivors to uncover what it takes to feed the good wolf. This podcast saved me. It's like having a guide for the hardest parts of life. The wolves are hungry. What will you feed them? Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls, and I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart Series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves, and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. It's a little

bit of past, present, and future, all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal?

The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too?

Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening?

Really, no really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason Bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. We haven't taken a bath in a while.

Well, we don't have a bath at the studio, that's why. It's all showers. Yeah, it's all showers. I don't, I tried to take a bath the other night and I was so stoned when I got home. I, I, this is really not a funny story. It's embarrassing, but I'm going to tell it. I had a stomach flu or a bug or whatever. I had explosive diarrhea for three days on the road. And one night it was so bad. I just kept running to the bathroom, going to the bathroom and my opener was on stage and I was sweating like sick. And I was backstage. There's my security guard

and then a strange security guard that I've never met just watching me while I'm sitting there trying to clench my asshole so that nothing else ejects. And I'm like, just, I have to get on stage because you get on stage and it all goes away. Adrenaline takes over. You never like, that is the perfect elixir

for anytime you're sick. Get on stage if you can in front of a large crowd. Who needs a modium? And I remember just sitting back and I'm just like this, like, oh. elixir for any time you're sick. Get on stage if you can in front of a large crowd. Pretty simodium. And I remember just sitting back and I'm just like this, like, oh. And then I had the decision, do I run to the bathroom one more time or she's getting off or do I just go? Because I was like, what would happen if I shat my pants on stage? What would I do? Would I continue? I think I would if it's far enough away from everybody. I'm not going to say. If they don't know. Yeah.

I think that the smell obviously would be a problem. But I mean, I'm always wearing black. So it's like, I don't know that everybody would see it. But oh, it was just so terrible. Obviously, everything went fine. I got on stage and then the diarrhea ended the next morning. Isn't that bizarre though? It is strange.

When I get on stage, if I'm sick, I'm not sick. I've never sneezed on stage. I don't cough. It's like everything becomes so focused. Yeah, it is true. When I get on stage, if I'm sick, I'm not sick. I've never sneezed on stage. I don't cough. It's like everything becomes so focused. Everything freezes. Yeah, it's true. Adrenaline is a powerful tool. Well, good.

Next time I have explosive diarrhea, I'm running to the comedy cellar. Take a Zofran. That's actually good for- Really? Yeah, Zofran is good for nausea and diarrhea. Oh. Well, I found out the hard way. I already use-

I'm going to Africa for the summer summer and I've already used half of my drugs that are for Africa for now because I'm like, I'm having all of the illnesses that I'm supposed to have in Africa already. I'm like, can I get a refill on that Cipro? Well, our first question actually comes from Josephine. Dear Chelsea, I'm in the process of combining lives with my boyfriend. He feels like my forever person, but we've run into a few speed bumps

in combining finances. My partner loves to travel and he loves to shop. He makes a good bit more money than me, so he's starting to travel without me a lot and planning more trips

in the future solo because he can afford to go. I'm happy for him, or at least I really want to be. Is she? Because she's writing us. How happy could she be? Yeah. When you travel a lot. So I thought this was a good question for you. We're currently trying to start a family, buy a house and plan for a small wedding. So all my finances feel tied up in the future. So I'm choosing to save money rather than push my budget to join his travels. I'm trying to find fulfilling ways to spend my time when he is

away, but I can't stop thinking about how much money he's spending seeing the world alone. The question, am I shortchanging myself by not asking my partner to give up a few experiences now for our future together? Should I drop all of it because I want him to be happy and I don't want to fight about money or attempt to control how he lives his life? Is it okay that I feel sad and that i'm getting left behind for trying to be responsible with my money should i just say fuck it and spend all my money traveling with him or should i get a third job so i can save money and travel and not feel sorry for myself that i can't do it all josephine don't get a third job like why would you do that

if you don't have to i think get rid of this guy yeah i don't i don't know i'm suspicious of the amount of traveling this man wants to do alone who is he traveling with if he's not traveling with her apparently by himself he's just going to croatia by himself that's i would also be i'm like okay who are you meeting who are you hanging out with what are you doing a lot like i don't want to travel alone you want to be with your person if you have a person if you have a person and also he should want to be with her and like, wait until she has the money or save the money together or be generous enough to say, I've got this trip for you. You know what I mean? You can come. I know you can't afford it right

now. Maybe plan less trips, but with trips that you can afford to bring her along. Wouldn't that be what you want to do? Yes. But I would say also you're planning a small wedding. This is good information for you to have before you get married to somebody, because what's going to happen when you get married? Is he going to continue to go on trips by himself? Is he going to do his honeymoon alone? Yeah. I'm going to go to Vietnam alone. And I also just like, you know, this whole commingling thing of finances. I just don't understand why once you get with somebody that it shouldn't be just like a shared pot of like, not that you share all of your money with each other,

but like, what are we, our expenses together? And in the areas where somebody needs help, the person who's making more money should be willing to help that person. It's your partner. You're supposed to spend your life with this person. It's going to be, sometimes you're going to have more of an advantage financially, and sometimes he's going to have more of an advantage financially. So you're both going to have to scratch each other's back at some point. But when you're with somebody that you love, that shouldn't even be an issue. It's not like you should give all your money away to a stranger. But I'm saying like, be conscientious about your partner's needs and wanting to be together. You're supposed to be a couple. So

I don't know. He kind of sounds like an asshole. And he really does sound like an asshole. He's like, I'm going to take trips by myself. And I love that. What's her deal with the relationship that she was like, should I feel bad? Yeah, you wrote this letter to Chelsea Handler. You should feel bad. I would feel bad for you.

My boyfriend's like, I'm taking trips all by myself. Bye-bye. I'd be like, OK, I'll be home playing Angry Birds. Like, you don't want me to come with at all? Can we do local shit together? I think when you're in a relationship

that's like that, it's totally fine to go on a trip or two by yourself or with your friends. Of course. But not as a regular thing. That's kind of, like,

very inconsiderate. The fact that she's taking all of the responsibility of saving for their future on herself. I don't love this for her. Is she communicating? You know what she needs to do?

She needs to communicate this to him and be like, hey, instead of going to Zimbabwe, maybe stay home. Yeah. And also who is in Zimbabwe that you're seeing. Yeah.

I feel like this is also like get in front of a couples counselor because he might have some like backlash of like, wow, I'm just doing my thing and And why would you want to stifle me? Yeah, good point. those, especially before you marry someone, because those things usually just intensify once that deal is settled. Like if in the courting phase, people aren't on their best game, things are only going to get more comfortable and less lax as you go forward. So like, I think you should really address this and a counselor would be a great idea. Or you can just tell him to go fuck himself, but it sounds like you like him. So.

How would he feel if she went on a trip without him? I'm sure he would say he's fine with that. No problem because he knows it's not a real actuality. It's probably not going to happen. I don't know. I think it's a real big red flag, Josephine, and go take him to a counselor.

Our first caller today is Reed. He is in Ecuador and he is in the Peace Corps. He is 24. Reid says, Dear Chelsea, I've been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for over a year and I'm totally smitten. However, I moved to Ecuador in January, giving us a 14-hour time difference. And he'll tell you more about this, but his boyfriend is in South Korea. And of course, because we're gay men in our 20s, we decided that we should try an open relationship

to grapple with the distance. Since then, I've hooked up with a few people here and there, but no one really excites me like my boyfriend, and I've recently stopped seeking out other people altogether. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has been, let's just say, very busy. Recently, I've become overcome by emotions of incredible jealousy. No pun intended.

It appears as though he's unable to go out with his friends and not go home with somebody. We had intimacy problems before the distance, and I know that my insecurities stemming from those problems make it harder for me to be at peace while he's having fun. I also think it's odd that he doesn't get jealous at all and actively wants me to hook up with other people. Like, fight for me. Anyway, I want to cut off the open part of our relationship, but I don't want to gatekeep his

self-discovery and experimentation as he's somewhat newly out of the closet and into the gay scene. What should I do? Clever sign off, Reed. Hi, Reed. Hi, Reed. Hola, hola. Hola, como estan? How are y'all? Estoy bien, y tu? Bien, gracias. Todo bien.

Todo bien. We're going to do this in Spanish. That's the biggest coffee cup I've ever seen. That looked like a measuring cup for baking. You've never had coffee in Ecuador? It's beer. That's how they serve it. It's beer.

Excellent. I had a beer last night for dinner. I fucking enjoyed that beer. But it has to stay cold. Yeah. I agree. It's good when it's very hot out. Or you've been doing yard work.

Yeah. Have you been doing yard work during the Peace Corps? Absolutely not, no. I did not sign up for yard work, no. No, no, good. Good for you. That's nice that you're in the Peace Corps. Good boy.

I love that. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. So, well, Mateo is a registered gay man. So I'm going to let him start with this because you have more experience in this. Yeah, I think that so you guys are in an open relationship. And it's interesting because a lot of gay people or queer people will tend to go back and forth like I'm open or no, we're like monogamous. And I think breaking the rules and doing whatever we want is the benefit of being gay is that we don't have to follow the same rules of society. But that doesn't necessarily

mean it still works for you. So like, I understand that you're saying like, okay, well, we're separate and this is the healthy thing to do and blah, blah. But if you're already starting to run into issues that are affecting you emotionally, then I think it would be time to have a conversation with your partner and be like,

you know, I know this is something we agreed on, but I'm feeling a certain kind of way. Do you want to stop fucking everyone you see in south korea or you know because i i just feel like i have friends who literally clean the house for the other person's grinder appointment he's like their boyfriend's like oh i'm cleaning the house he's got a grinder date and then i'm getting out of here well i think that's great i don't work that way i work better in monogamy because i'm maybe because i'm insecure i don't know but i'm. So I think it just depends.

And would you prefer to be in a monogamous relationship? Did you do the open relationship because you felt that was the right thing to do to keep him? I definitely would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship for sure. I didn't do it because I felt like that was how I would keep him. I did it because, you know, there's a lot of distance. We're continents away. There's a massive time difference. I can only talk to him in the morning or at night and so you know like there's also like certain needs and things that

happen and so like it just was a logical step for me it wasn't necessarily in fear of the relationship falling apart now when is when is the next time you guys will be with each other 2028? It depends. So I'm in Ecuador until 2025. Oh my God. And he doesn't have a real immediate path back to the US because he was deported. So we don't really know when we'll be in the same country again, though hopefully he'll come and visit me sometime in August or September. So he can visit you. How long can he come to Ecuador for? I mean, it depends on his work schedule and everything. It would only probably be for like two weeks. Yeah. I mean, it was very generous of you, A, to just like open up your relationship when that's not really your kind of predisposition. You know, that was nice of you to do. And all you can do is be honest. I think that's all you can do

with any relationship because you have every right to be, want to be monogamous and he has every right to want to be, you know, not monogamous and have lots of different lovers and experience. And especially since you said he's right out of the closet, all you can do is have an open conversation with him and said, this is how I'm feeling. I mean, it's not like a deal breaker, but I just want you to know. I mean, have you said anything like this yet? Yeah, we had a conversation kind of shortly after actually I wrote the email to you all. And I said, I was like, I don't really know if this is working for me right now.

I don't really know how I feel about the open component of what we've got going on. And when we started the open relationship, we kind of had a rule. It was like, if somebody wants to close the relationship, we have to close it. And so I kind of indicated that, that I wanted to close it. But then he said, okay, fine. Like, I understand we made that agreement that if one of us wants to close, the other one has to agree. So he acquiesced. But then he kind of also said, at the the same time i'm also like really exploring myself i'm learning more things about my sexuality

as i'm out here meeting different men and you know immersing myself into the gay community and gay scene in a different way and i also don't want to lose that so then i kind of backtracked and said okay well i understand where you're coming from and i don't want to as i mentioned email i don't really want to gatekeep your self-discovery and your experiences. So I, again, kind of just like let him essentially win the conversation for that reason. Yeah. I feel like when people need space or time, you should give them double. Even if it comes to a point where you kind of like he should definitely come visit you if and when that's possible.

But I think you should look at the relationship as like a maybe instead of everything. Right. Hopefully he'll circle back around. He has to sow his oats. Everybody has to get that out of their system at some point. And it sounds like that's what he's doing. And I think as long as you if you can tolerate that and giving him the space, you know, you should do that.

And if you can't and if you get to the point where it becomes really unbearable for you or untenable because of where you are emotionally, then you should also just say like, listen, I really care about you and I do not want to limit you at all, but why don't you go do your thing? I still would love you to visit me, but let's not have this label as we're in a relationship. You know, that way it doesn't feel like such an affront with him hooking up. And that way, maybe when you guys do reconnect, it will be a reminder of why you guys were in a relationship in the first place. And so much will have been under the bridge at that point, that maybe he will have sown his oats and been satiated in that regard and wanting to get into a normal relationship. But I would only end the relationship if you get to a point where it's

just really not pleasant for you. I think it's very unsustainable what you're describing. As young as you guys both are, with that time distance, with everything up in the air, and not knowing when he's going to be able to really get out of there permanently, or come live with you, or whatever. You know what I mean? It's just, it's a young love and it doesn't sound very practical or sustainable. Yeah. It feels like, you know, something that might work really well is when you're together, you're together exactly what Chelsea's describing. And when you're apart, you're apart, but you like know that you're in love. I know this is the worst thing you can say to someone who's 24 and in love, but people come back together if they're meant to be together.

You know, I really do believe that. What's that saying go? What's that saying? When they let someone go, if they fly away. That's the Mariah Carey lyrics from Butterfly. Let it fly, fly, fly away. Yeah. And if it comes back, it was meant to be.

And if it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with. Listen, nobody respects Mariah Carey more than I do. I love Mariah Carey more than I do. I love Mariah Carey. Mateo might. Yeah, you know what? My suggestion is just listen to Mariah Carey's Butterfly album. Over and over and over again. And you'll find all of your answers there. Okay, noted.

When in doubt. So, I mean, you seem like you're okay. You don't seem devastated emotionally or anything like that. It ebbs and flows. I wrote my letter to the podcast when I was really in my feelings about it. Cause there had been like a couple issues. Like there was like an STD scare. There was him kind of being not super communicative. And so there were problems at the time when i wrote the

letter and like the last like week or so since then has been like a lot better and i feel a lot more comfortable and secure with where we are currently how long have you guys been together for we've been dating for about 15 months like over a year like you're like one of those mothers that has like a 17 month year old child and instead of saying one and a half you're like yeah they're 85 well because i don't know one and a half you're like 85 months old yeah they're 85 months old well because I don't know yeah like yeah sure you're like 15 months

not that I'm counting what were you going to say before Mateo so rudely interrupted you the last week or so I felt more secure in what we've got going on but I know he's

out partying right now yeah because the time difference so it's like 4 a.m. in Seoul and I know he's out with the guy he like soak up with and he normally texts me goodnight and he doesn't text me goodnight.

So I'm like, what the fuck? But that's just me like getting into my own head and like being bound by like the insecurities of stuff that's happened in the past and all these other things. So I'm trying to rationalize my emotions when I feel like I should just be able to feel them. It really doesn't sound great.

It doesn't sound great, but here's what I want to say to you. I understand everyone has been through this where you're jealous and you're looking at the phone and you're when are they going to call? What are they going to text? Are they home? Who are they with? You're in the Peace Corps. You're doing a lot of great shit on your own. I really would urge you to just kind of try to redouble your efforts towards yourself and not obsess. I know it's harder to do than to say, but it is a practice like anything to not obsess over what he's doing because it's really nothing you can control. And you know that. And focus your efforts on what's happening with you down there in Ecuador and the people that you're surrounding yourself with.

That's a once in a lifetime thing. You're never going to get this time back. You know what I mean? So better to have it spent being present and and meeting guys down there you know yeah just because you had sex with a couple guys that didn't interest you that doesn't mean that no one in ecuador will interest you yeah and i but i do think that's also a bit of the issue i've been having too is like i'm i'm living in like a little bit of a smaller city there's not a lot of people around um it's a little bit more rural and so my options just as a gay man in general i mean yeah it looks like you're calling

me from like the back of a shed a shed that's a lot yeah i'm literally i'm like in a house like right off the highway yeah it's like there's just like i am living in a smaller area there's not a whole lot going on there's not a lot of options for me even like if i wanted to get out there and like see other people have sex with with other people, whatever it is. It's rather limited where he's in like a major metropolitan city. He's able to live his 20s in a better way. What's the biggest city near you? Quito is about four or five hours away.

OK, yeah, no, you can't just. Yeah, I would say to get some really fucking good books and start educating yourself even further. You know, you're obviously a responsible, caring individual. And I would say to spend that time really filling your brain up because nothing works as escapism to me like a book does. And especially when you're down there in this kind of different part of the world, there's so much to learn in their books that they have available there just about that whole about all of South America. Like you could be filling yourself up with knowledge and occupying your time so that you're not looking at your phone. You're not spending it. And also make some guardrails for yourself that you're not checking your phone.

You know what I mean? Give yourself a couple of those crucial hours where you're waiting for him to check in where you don't look. You just have to get off of the habit and fill yourself up in other ways. And I'm not talking about seeing you in the video. I mean, I am. I am. Of course. That's always an option.

But if people are few and far between, figure out other ways to entertain yourself. And the less time you spend on your phone. Turn straight. On your phone. Yeah. Yeah, well. Find a nice girl. We said entertain yourself. My dad would be so proud. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You're like, Dad, I met a woman. She's in Ecuador. We're together. It's over. My gayness is over. It stopped.

It flew away like a butterfly. Sorry that you're feeling this way. But seriously, you're awesome. You're handsome. You're smart. You're fun. And you have a good vibe going. Don't let someone else kind of take out your joy and, you know, for life and learning and growing. Also, does he party every single day? Sounds like it. No, it's not like an every night thing, no. But like a couple of times a week and I just like, he's going out. I know where he's going.

I still have friends in the city, right? So like they see him out. Like some of them will like text me being like, yo, I saw your man tonight doing X, Y, and Z. Well, then you need to tell them to stop texting you about him. You gotta put an end to that. Yeah, that's not fun.

Did you used to live in South Korea? Yeah, I lived there last year after I graduated college. Oh. What brought you there or took you there, I should say? I didn't want to get a real job. Uh-huh. So I taught English there for a year. I'm an anthropology student.

Oh, cool. I'm going to go back to school and hopefully get a PhD in anthropology. So I just like traveling, seeing different cultures, studying different people, things like that. So it was just a good fit. That's why I'm doing the Peace Corps. Yeah, yeah. You know what a good book I just read on Cuba was called

Cuba and American History by Ada Farrar, if you're looking for a good book. Awesome, yeah. That'll keep you fucking busy. I'll definitely look into it. Okay. Well, good luck to you. I hope everything works out with you.

And just, you know what I mean? Remember to focus on yourself. You're the most important thing in this equation. You have to make sure that you're happy and all of the good things. Yeah, I agree. I agree with that. Well, keep in touch. Okay, Reed. And don't hit your head when you stand up. Okay. I actually did before I got on the call. That's so funny you said that. I was like, is that a thatched roof? And then I'm like, no, it's actually wood. Okay. It's too much beer in this giant mug.

I know. We'll keep drinking. That's the one thing you should continue to do as well. There we go. Okay. Take care. All right. Well, thank you so much.

Nice meeting you all. Bye. Nice meeting you. Bye. Have a good day. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel.

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It's called Really? No, Really? And you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's so interesting being gay. Like, I just would never be down with an open relationship. I wonder what my limitations are because obviously monogamy is not sustainable. It's very hard to stay with somebody for longer, for now that people are living so long. It's just not natural, right? I just, no.

I mean, I don't know i think everything has to be a little bit like alcoholics anonymous it's day by day you just gotta go day by day with a relationship i think the second you set all these expectations for years and years in the future it's just natural for people to want to break those rules and not feel confined but really i mean it's crazy like some of my best friends, I have gay friends who just, they're so like open. Like, oh, I have an extra boyfriend. We all hang out together and dah, dah, dah.

So it depends on how you establish your relationship. And if you establish your relationship on trust and a good foundation, maybe that works. It doesn't work for me, but I'm also Italian, so. Yeah, but I also don't wanna fuck a bunch of guys. Like if I'm in Italian. So, yeah. But I also don't want to fuck a bunch of guys. Like if I'm in love with someone, I just want to fuck that person. Like I've never had the desire. Maybe I've never been in a relationship long enough to have the desire to have sex with other people.

Because usually when I get out of a relationship, I don't want any sex for a long time. It's like back the fuck off. That's probably a healthy way to go. Then when you get out of a relationship and you're just sleeping around like calling all your exes oh yeah that's i remember that that's very young behavior when you get broken up with or you break up with someone and you want to go out to have revenge sex because nothing makes you feel worse than having sex with somebody you don't give a shit about it's true it makes you feel so lame like you're not getting that's not fun i felt bad for i mean to be on that situation sounds horrible well yeah

yeah it doesn't sound horrible but it doesn't sound like it's gonna last he's not holding on tightly but you know obviously when someone's kind of trying to be free you can't hold on to them you gotta let them do their thing and a 14 hour time distance alone is like just a recipe i did a six hour time difference and that was hard enough. Right? You know, cause at like 5 p.m. That's it. I'm not talking to him anymore. He's asleep. So it's in the rest of my night.

It's alone. You have to catch back up in the morning. It can be hard. I used to have a boyfriend who lived in New York and I lived in LA and he would call me when he got home at night,

but it would be like three, four in the morning. He owned a bunch of bars and restaurants in LA. So he was always out fucking partying and probably cheating on me. And I was so insecure in that relationship.

And I just was like, I would always be there. Like I'd wake up in the morning and check my phone and make sure that, did he text me good night? Did he call me? Did he try? You know, and if he didn't, it was a huge fucking argument. And it was so exhausting.

Like relationships like that age you, you know? Cause you're not acting like your best self. You're not even acting like your real self because whoever like triggers you and it's really no one's fault. It's not his fault because, I mean, it was because he was lying about everything. But, you know, if he had told me the truth, I was like, if you could just tell me the truth, then I can make my own decision about whether or not I want to participate in this. But also you're spending all your time worrying and getting jealous and getting anxious. Like, all this energy could be put towards us two working towards a common goal.

Right. And right now it's about him covering up and me worrying about it. It's like not a, I don't understand that. You could spend all that time masturbating actually, which is what my two friends who are staying with me from Canada are doing at my house right now. I just would like to make a public service announcement that my two friends are here visiting, but I get a lot of shit sent to my house and a lot of vibrators sent to my house. Whether they're from Goop or whoop-de-de-do-whoop.

I don't know where. There are vibrators everywhere, and they're all in a box upstairs because my bell knows that I don't jerk off with a vibrator. I just don't. And these girls have charged all my vibrators and have been jerking off nonstop in my house while they're staying upstairs. You're going to think there's an earthquake because your house is shaking so much. Yeah, this morning my friend's like, buddy, that was the best. That is the best vibrator. You should try it.

I'm like, the one you just used? You want me to try? No, thank you. Come you know there's a little bowl down the stairs. I mean, these girls would be down with that. I've never seen anything like it. Such a positive masturbation community. I have a joke where I'm like, I'm so tired of masturbating.

It's like I'm 36. I feel like I'm running an errand. Sometimes I lie to myself. I pretend to be my own wife. And I'm like, I'm so tired of masturbating. It's like I'm 36. I feel like I'm running an errand. Sometimes I lie to myself. I pretend to be my own wife and I'm like, not tonight, honey. I have a headache. Well, our next caller, Olivia, wanted to talk about an ex that's been texting her. So she says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a 29-year-old lesbian and I've been married to my wife for two years and I've known her for eight years. My problem is dealing with my first girlfriend, whom I dated 10 years ago. As you can imagine, your first girlfriend as a woman is very special.

That said, my ex has continued to want a friendship with me. We made amends a couple years ago after she reached out to me wanting to restart our friendship. Knowing we were both in relationships, we all began hanging out. The more we hung out, the more I realized I felt weird hanging out with my ex, and it got to the point where I needed to end our friendship. After a long day and night of drinking, I got the courage to tell her that the friendship was difficult for me, and I didn't want any part of it. Well, my wife overheard the conversation, and we haven't spoken to them since. I promised myself I wouldn't fall for the I miss you texts anymore and the friendship was over.

My now wife and I got engaged a few months after the incident and we've been happily married for two years and are in the process of starting a family. I haven't thought twice about my ex until recently. I received a long text from my ex over two weeks ago and it was the standard I miss you with a sprinkle of we're meant to be in each other's lives. The moment I read it, I got very angry and wanted to respond to tell her, please leave me alone, but I didn't and haven't. Now I feel like an asshole for ghosting. I want nothing to do with

her, but I'm not sure what to say. Olivia. Hi, Olivia. Hello. Hi, this is Matea Lane, our special guest today. Yes. Hello. Hey, how are you? Good. Hi. I don't think there's anything wrong with you blowing off your ex. I mean, it's not appropriate anymore for you guys to have a relationship for it sounds like multiple reasons. Yeah, I agree. I just wasn't sure because, you know, there's that whole talk about ghosting people and it's like disrespectful. So I wasn't sure if I should at least just say something. I think it's disrespectful for her to not respect your boundaries. If you had to explain to her multiple times that you don't feel comfortable with the relationship with her and she's still sending you those messages, then you're allowed to ghost. I think ghosting is only rude if you've

not communicated how you feel to that person and you have. So you don't need to say- It's actually not even ghosting. Ghosting is when you're in a conversation with somebody and all of a sudden they disappear without any explanation. You've already given her an explanation, correct? Yes. So how many times do you want to repeat yourself? Can't you just block her at this point? Yeah. Yeah. And I have, like throughout the years I would block and then unblock, you know, that whole toxic thing. Well, that's stupid. Just block her and be done with it.

Just block her and be done with it. You don't need her in your life. It's an ex-girlfriend. They don't be sentimental about it. It's over. It doesn't work with your new relationship. That's more important in your life, right? Your new relationship.

So fuck it. Don't worry. You don't owe her any explanation. You already told her. Say, I'm done with you, Miracle Ear. That's your last text. And then block her. I like how we're getting a very Natalie Imbruglia like music video she's on the floor

I swear everyone's so good looking that calls in everyone we keep saying that and it just sounds like we're biased but no I just can't believe how good looking everyone is yeah we have you look great but yeah I think that you're just you don't want to leave the situation with the impression

of like I'm a bad person but but you're not a bad person. But you also can't allow people to just walk over you if they text you. If you've explained how you feel and she doesn't respect that, you have every right to stop them from entering your life. Yeah. And it sounds like this, like the rekindling of the friendship stirred up some things. And obviously, like I caused a rift like you talked about with your with your now wife. Do you want to talk a little bit about like the shame and stuff that that brought up for you? I know, especially today and talking about this whole thing.

Yeah, yeah, I was like, kind of even hard to connect to this call. I felt really shameful after it had happened, just because you don't want someone who you love to kind of like overhear this conversation that's so personal with someone who you're not in love with. But it love to kind of like overhear this conversation that's so personal with someone who you're not in love with, but it's just kind of this like necessary conversation that needs to happen. And so, yeah, I just was really embarrassed about it. And we spoke about it. I went to therapy and got over that. And obviously we're married now and we're planning to have a family. And how many cats do you have? One.

Okay. Well, you're going to need to get another one. He won't like that. Yeah. I just think you don't need to have any shame about this. I think you expressed yourself honestly. No, I don't even understand what your shame is about.

Towards who? Your new wife for having the conversation with your ex-girlfriend? No, the whole situation that happened with my ex and my wife overhearing the conversation. Oh no, that's life. Yeah, don't. Don't feel shame and don't self-immolate. Like, everyone is so hard on themselves.

You're married. You're happy. You have a cat. Go to the park, you know? Well, she's also giving way too much credit to her ex. It's enough already. Stop. Yeah, exactly. You can't manage her feelings and your wife's feelings and your feelings all at the same time. Especially when

she's not respecting your wishes. Yeah, yeah. And there's a reason you're not with her and you're with your wife now, who's like someone who obviously loves and respects you. I think tonight, in order to get over some of these feelings, I think make your wife a really nice dinner, have a romantic evening.

I think you need to just say, I'm absolving myself of any negative feelings around this and just like have a wonderful candlelit dinner tonight. Okay. Okay. We'll do. We'll do that. Yeah.

And play positive music. Yes. Yeah. Like Natalie Imbruglia. All right, Olivia. Thank you so much. All right. Thank you all so much. Bye. All right, Olivia. Thank you so much. All right. Thank you all so much.

Bye. It was nice chatting. Bye. Bye. Was Olivia in Ecuador too? I think so. I told her, I'm like, these are lesbian problems. Like lesbians always stay friends afterward.

Lesbians seem to definitely have different problems, especially to gay men because lesbians are more monogamous than gay guys, right? Oh, yeah. You know the joke, right? What? The standard joke. What does a lesbian bring on a second date? Her apartment?

You all, pretty much. But what does a gay bring on a second date? Oh, I don't know this part. What second date? I like that. Well, why don't we take a quick break and we'll be back. I have two kind of shorter questions, but there's some internet drama afoot. Oh, okay. Oh, I like two kind of shorter questions, but there's some internet drama afoot. Oh, okay.

Oh, I like the usage of afoot. Okay. We'll be right back later in a minute with our feet. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money.

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I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. I've been there, homeless, addicted, and lost. I know the power of small choices to turn your life around. On this podcast, I sit down with thinkers, leaders, and survivors to uncover what it takes to feed the good wolf. This podcast saved me. It's like having a guide for the hardest parts of life. The wolves are hungry. What will you feed them? Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls, and I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart Series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth

with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. It's a little bit of past, present and future all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love.

All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

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And we're back. We're back. Katie says... This is Katie Couric. She calls in almost every week. Is it really Katie Couric? She actually does love you. She loves you very much. No, it's not Katie Couric.

Oh, I would have lost my mind. She says, Dear Chelsea, My name is Katie. I'm 26 years old. My husband of less than a year and I met in 2016. And three months later, I was pregnant with our now almost five-year-old son. We were very toxic for a long time.

He has issues with substance abuse and I had untreated mental illness. It was a recipe for disaster. We broke up for two years and then in 2020 we ended up getting back together with a mutual understanding and agreement that we would consciously engage in a healthy relationship. A big thing for me is trust and part of trust to me is having access to each other's phones. Not in the type of way that I obsessively go through his phone, but I want to know the

password. Before we were married, I had my own fingerprint on his phone, and he knows the password to mine, and we both had full access to each other's phones. Then one day, after we were married, he decided to change his password and remove my fingerprint. He still has access to my phone. He says he has nothing to hide, and as far as I know, he's never cheated on me. But even if I pick up his phone, he immediately grabs it from me. It bothers me.

It makes me feel like he's got something to hide. I wouldn't even have a desire to look at it if I didn't feel like he was hiding something from me. What should I do? Just keep going as if nothing's wrong, or should I make this a big deal? Katie. My opinion is... I hate when people look through each other. I was just going to say that.

I think that your phone is your own business. And to want to go through someone else's phone is unhealthy and insecure. And yes, it's troubling that he now doesn't want you to go through his phone after he's given you carte blanche access to it up until now. So then there's that side, too, where it's like, yeah, it does sound like he's up to something. And at the same time, I hate when people go through each other's phones. It's just such small behavior. So I don't know what to say to that. I don't know.

I mean, yeah, he does. Why would he change her fingerprint all of a sudden and then jump every every time she grabs the phone that is kind of a red flag so now that the pandora's box has been opened like yeah you got to find out what he's up to but i would also say like to anyone who's listening like do not start a relationship when you have access to each other's phones why is that necessary you're you're starting out of mistrust like that is you're always gonna find something you don't like he could be doing something as stupid as watching porn and he doesn't want you to see that

you know yeah it could be like very normal porn I mean like Brad and I have access to each other's phones we like know each other's passwords and I might grab his phone to like look something up

on the internet if mine is not nearby and he is fine with that to me I'm sort of like if there's not an issue if there's nothing to hide why not you know why the nothing to hide, why not? You know?

Why the need to hide it? But I guess people can be embarrassed about things that are not red flags. You know what? You're probably right, Chelsea. I think it might just be something as small as like porn. You know, it doesn't necessarily, not everything has to lead to their cheating on me. But it sounds like she has a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Exactly.

She wants him to be cheating on her and to it sounds like she has a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Exactly. She wants him to be cheating on her and to make and to meet that end. And I don't know if that's her enjoying the drama or she likes,

she hasn't dealt with any trauma or whatever that is. If you're trying to replace something and get to a point where that's where you end up because I think

that does happen. But it's another element of control. Like looking through someone's phone, wanting to know who they're talking to and what they're doing at every second of the day is not your fucking business unless you're siamese twins like that is not of your business and like you need autonomy as people because you're not attached to someone you can be in a relationship with somebody but that doesn't

mean you own that person and you can control that person's behavior or thoughts the whole point of being in a relationship is you're bringing two people together. So I just think starting a relationship out that way with you have access to my phone and I have access to your phone it's so dumb. If you want to look through my phone look through it but you're going to find something that's

going to piss you off if you're that fucking paranoid in the first place. Right, like I don't have a desire to go through his phone or look in his Instagram DMs or his text messages because I'm not worried about it more on that later anyway anyway i mean i guess we helped you but i don't know honey so i but i would yeah i guess find out now that you've found out what is it what's in there so you think she should like try to get access i guess yeah they're married right like yeah not i just want to know now just for curiosity so she can report back and let us know what she didn't find katie

let us know about the clown porn that you find it's gonna be like the al capone like they found his like that they opened that door and there was nothing inside do you remember that in the 80s they were like oh my god we found al capone's like hideaway what's gonna be inside they had all these cameras live tv they. They opened it up empty. But we always assume there's something on the other side of that door. Yes. And it's just boring porn. Well, our last question today comes from D,

slightly similar question. Dear Chelsea, Recently, my boyfriend of one year took me to the store because he said he had a surprise for me. He led me to the bathing suit section and said he wanted to buy me a new bikini. He said he had a specific one in mind. He then explained he had seen it on Facebook on a woman he went to high school with, and the style of bikini really made him think of me. Then he proceeds to pull up a picture of this gorgeous woman who looks about 25 years old with huge boobs and a tiny waist. He casually says that she's single and always posts selfies.

He hasn't talked to her in ages, but thought he could reach out to her and see where she got the suit. I could see the message quickly as he scrolled through the pics of the scantily clad babe. He complimented her by saying she looked great and then asked where she got the bikini because he'd like to buy one for his girlfriend. I'm sorry. At what point when she was writing this did she not say to herself, I can save myself the time and break up with him? Oh, my God. The bikini was pretty basic. And just FYI, I'm in my 40s and my boyfriend is in his 50s.

This woman went to high school with him. Kudos to her for aging gracefully or using filters. Anyway, I thanked him for the surprise, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. What is yours and Catherine's take on this? I'm curious. Sincerely, D. Yeah, no, D. He sounds like a total toolbox.

The whole story is so stupid and so convoluted. Yes, I was going to say it's convoluted. The fact that he's like, this girl that was in high school with him, I saw her and I thought about you, but I thought we should go to the store. And it's like, what? She's got a bikini. And so I DM'd her and texted her, where did you get your bikini? Because I want to get one for my girlfriend. Sounds like he's trying to fucking hook up with that girl is what he's doing.

But like, I don't know. Would he have been that open with her about it if he was? It's all just so dumb. Like, you don't need the same exact fucking bikini. There are a million bathing suits out there that would be similar to whatever. And it sounds like he's digging himself out of a hole. He's giving way too much explanation. All he had to do was, without her, buy the bikini and say, you know what?

I think you would look really hot in this. And move it along. You don't have to say this girl went to high school with this and that. It's like, what? You're insane. I don't know if it's break-up-able, but like, this guy sounds like a dummy.

It's not, no, it's not like, oh, but he just sounds like such a, yeah, like a dumbass. Like a douche. Yeah, I mean, men are so stupid sometimes. I mean, it's just...

Sometimes. It's embarrassing. Well, I'm just trying to give them some credit. Oh, please. Well, now that we've to give them some credit. Oh, please. Well, now that we've solved that. Well, that was easy as pie. I mean, I don't think we really fucking helped anybody today.

But no heavy lifting over here. We maybe broke Reed's heart. I do feel a little bad about that. But what are you going to do? In Ecuador? We didn't do anything. His boyfriend who's in South Korea fucking everyone that moves is the one upset. He's 24 years old.

He's going to be fine. He's going to be great. He's going to recuperate way before he knows it. Yeah. Okay, well, thanks for being here again today, Mateo. Thank you so much for having me. Mateo and I are going to go eat some food now. I'm going to take him to lunch as a reward for being on the podcast.

Bye, guys. We'll see you next week. Thank you. If you'd like advice from Chelsea shoot us an email at dearchelseapodcast at gmail.com and be sure to include your phone number Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert

executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at chelseahandler.com do you want a shortcut to the best version of you? Here it is. Feed the good wolf. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. Every week, I talk to brilliant minds and brave souls

about the art of small, powerful choices. Our listeners say it all. This is a lifeline. Transformational. The best antidote to a bad mood I've ever heard. Join the pack and start feeding your best self. Listen to the one you feed on the iHeartRadio app, financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt.

And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. This January, join me for our third annual January Jumpstart series. Starting January 1st, we'll have inspiring conversations

to give you a hand in kickstarting your personal growth. If you've been holding back or playing small, this is your all-access pass to step fully into the possibilities of the new year. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really No Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor what's in the museum of failure and does your dog truly love you we have the answer go to really know really.com and register to win

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