Dear Chelsea - Minisode: A One-Two Punch with Sam Jay and Yanise Monét

Episode Date: July 12, 2024

In this minisode, Chelsea is joined by Yaya and Sam to chat about getting a double-doozy in bed, dry spells, and the appropriate length of time for foreplay.    * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Couples Counseling with Chelsea Handjob. I'm

here with my friends Yaya and Sam. Okay, we're back with Sam and Yaya. Hi, girls. Hey. Hi, ladies. What's up? What's up? Oh, you know what? What? Somebody was talking about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. There was some rumor that I was going to be on it. It's not true.

But didn't you say that you auditioned for that? No, I didn't audition. They contacted me about it for Atlanta. Oh, yeah, they did, right? Yeah, that's what I told someone. Yeah. I didn't have to audition, girl. Okay, guys, I didn't know you got a dog.

No. You're not allowed to get a dog because Sam won't let you get a dog. We're not doing the dog. Because you're not going to follow through. No, we're not talking about the dog. We just were in therapy for an hour about this dog. Earlier today about the dog. Copy that.

But no, it's fine. We're just not going to get the dog. Oh, okay, great. That sounded like a good therapy session. Yeah, it's fine. We're just not going to get the dog. Oh, okay, great. That sounded like a good therapy session. Yeah, it went great. That must be your other therapist because this one is not as good. So what are some of the things, Yaya, you go first, that annoy the shit out of you about living with Sam?

Oh, where do I start? Cabinets. She doesn't close cabinets or doors. If she opens a cabinet or a. Like, she doesn't. If she opens a cabinet or a drawer, she leaves it open. So, like, when I go into the kitchen, I feel like, what's her name? Vanna White. Who's the one that turns the.

Vanna White. Yeah, I feel like Vanna White because I'm constantly closing all the cabinets and all the doors because she leaves them open, including the refrigerator. That's really, that's kind of entitled, Sam, to open the doors and leave them open. It's not true. It's just not true. I'll still be doing stuff in and out the fridge. You'll come in while I'm in the kitchen and close the fridge. Okay, but what about the cabinet?

But I'm like using the fridge. I'm not in the midst of doing something. Okay, but what about the cabinet? Fridges, actually, in her defense, I change tack. They should just be open all the time. The display should be out so we don't have to fucking open them and look it should be

see through but then your house will be cold no it should be a glass door so you can just see everything that's in there because sometimes I want to open the fridge

and just fucking sit there and look at it too especially when I'm stoned I circle around the fridge like four or five times a day waiting for some meal to just create itself yeah and then

the cabinets sometimes I forget the cabinets but a lot of times I'll still be in the middle of stuff and you just come in and start oh that's not true you'll be on another floor and all the cabinets will be open i have all the evidence yeah i have video proof why do you have video because she sends all this stuff to her sisters constantly complaining about me i don't know is we have a group chat and so we all have the same plight so it was like oh well lona don't got no man so how she did well see you're digging again she did have a man and he did do stuff like that

so see what i'm talking about but she did so we were like my sister was like oh her husband left the cabinet open today i'm like oh well that's nothing i had three cabinets today so it's like that so i think you guys and then you you film it and send it to each other? Yeah, or take a picture. That seems reasonable, I guess. It's like our own little group chat. It's our way of dealing with... Complaining about your husbands, basically. Basically, but in a nice way. Right. That's not the worst thing in the world.

It's not like a man leaving a toilet seat up and urine all over the floor, urine all over the toilet seat. I leave my car door open a lot when I get home. up and like urine all over the floor, urine all over the toilet seat. Yeah. I leave my car door open a lot when I get home. I get out because I always have shit or my dog and then I'll see my driveway and my car's wide open, like the door. Are you serious? Yeah. But I have a gated driveway. Yeah, but they're doing a lot of robbing out there now.

Yeah. Well, maybe I'm just taunting them. Yeah. Come and get it. Is that your way of trying to find a man? You know that guy? Remember you tried, so we were in Mallorca, and Yaya was like, you know who's cute?

This guy Gabe. So I was DMing him a little bit in Mallorca one summer, but he had a girlfriend. Guess who doesn't have a girlfriend anymore, by the way? He doesn't have a girlfriend. Yeah, but he- It's hard for you to slide in those DMs. I know, but now the closer I see...

Now that he's single, I've taken a closer look. You're not feeling it anymore. There's a beard situation on the face that looks slightly painted, almost like dyed ink. Oh, he has a Beijing? What is it called? Beijing.

He has a Beijing, Sam? I don't know. That's what she's saying. I don't know what a Beijing is. That's what it's called when they dye their beard. It's like they use the dye and the dye is called Beijing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that. It looks like that.

Yeah. I don't think white men use Beijing. Is it called Beijing for the white men? I don't think he's white, though. He's other. I've been getting a lot of sex, so don't worry. I'm fine right now. I'm happy for you.

I did see that picture of the feet on the back. That was nice. I was happy for you. Oh, with the one I sent you. Right. That was nice. Did I post that? No.

I was excited for you. Oh, with the one I sent you. Right. That was nice. Did I post that? No. I was excited for you. Okay. And Sam, let's talk about what you think the thing that annoys you the most about Yaya. She's constantly moving my things and putting them where she thinks they go, but not where it's logical for me. I'm cleaning. Yeah, but you clean like you're the only person who lives in the house. No, I just clean like a person who cleans.

No, because your stuff could be out. You could leave stuff out all over the house. You leave food out. You leave stuff in the office all the time, open bowls of soup. You'll leave anything. And you will move my socks and leave three cans of soda and a bunch of open food on the table. I don't even drink soda. Well, you know, Arlo, you do drink ginger ale, so you count that.

Ginger ale's the best. You know, you'll have your three cans out, the food you had last night, some wrappers from some candy you ate, and then you'll be like, these sucks. How is my thing, like, so annoying, but you can have everything everywhere? Hey, I can't, I can't help that. So, yeah, so then it's like, yeah, that's what I don't like. the bathroom door go all the way to the floor? We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.

Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir.

Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really, No Really. Yeah, Really. No Really.

Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, so those are two minor things. That's not a big deal. Obviously, you guys, that's not going to be anything that breaks a couple up. No. No.

And I would also say that I would guess that you have a very high sex drive, Yaya, and that Sam would have, is it hard for you to keep up with her sex drive? Because she seems very horny. Why do you feel like I seem very horny?

I'm just curious to where you got this from. Well, first of all, I think I heard you have sex at my house. You did not. I heard about it. I heard about it. So, and I know, and I know what, I house. You did not. I heard about it. I heard about it.

So, and I know, and I know what, I forget what you said. Give it, give it. Give me. No, no. Come on, come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Yeah, yeah. They were fucking on my terrace in Mallorca.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Again, I would say it's about your personality. You have a very flirtatious vibe about you. And that's a good thing. I think that's good. I wish I were were more feminine it's not something to be ashamed of it's just you guys have very different vibes what's sam vibe does sam not give off sexual energy vibes no i wouldn't say it's sexual energy no not at all damn sam's a good old player what you mean sam gives off i mean to you she does but you know like you guys have a thing no no what do I

give off that's what I want I just mean you're not flirting with me so I wouldn't know what those vibes are and yo you're not walking around swinging maybe you are swinging your dick around maybe that's a good description of it but am I accurate? Or what? What do you think? I don't think I have a high sex drive. You think I do? I mean, I think you're

horny. I think we approach sex different. Okay, that is true. I think your approach to sex is like, come on, put it in. Do it. Put it in. You want to get penetrated. You want something in you right away. No, not necessarily. And my approach is like come on put it in do it you want to get penetrated you want something in you right away not necessarily and my like approach is like a build a slow build i'm not i'm not i'm not rushed i'm not rushed you're rushed i'm not rushed you're just more of a like a baby and i'm like all right come on let's get to it yeah that's funny i used to be like that with

sex like i just wanted to as soon as you get turned on you just want something inside you you're like let's go and then you miss all the foreplay though and now i'm like what sam is describing because now i understand that it's more fun to fool around for me anyway i like to fool around for a while what's a while for you like a few minutes like not more than 10 minutes okay, not more than 10 minutes. Okay. Sam needs more than 10 minutes. Are you serious? You do need more than 10 minutes. No, I don't. Yes, you do. I need more than 10 minutes of fooling around?

Yes. It's like warming up a car. You need time. You be like, no, not yet. You need time. You like to make out and do all of that stuff. You like to foreplay for a woman. Are you considering eating pussy foreplay?

No. Okay. Because we're lesbians. Yeah. Wait, eating pussy is not foreplay for a woman. Are you considering eating pussy foreplay? No. Okay, because we're lesbians. Yeah. Wait, eating pussy is not foreplay? I mean, we're lesbians. So this is like main event. That's it. This is main event stuff.

Oh, because yeah, for straight people, it is foreplay. Oh, no, no, no. That's sex for us. Oh, yeah. Well, that's why you had to get the strap on because you need penetration. I don't need it. But don't you want it right after you come from not all the time not all the time oh i like that i like a one-two punch

i mean some fingers it doesn't always have to be a strap sometimes sometimes but not all the time sometimes i can do the one-two punch but not all the time i don't need it all the time okay well well so yeah i'm not kissing you for 10 minutes no i'm saying kiss, but it's like caressing and talking and all the other stuff. You like to swoon. You like to- She's like Harry Belafonte. Yeah. All right, but-

You don't feel like that? No, I don't feel like that. What do you feel like? If we're, and I think what it is, is like, you'll wake up and you'll be like, do it to me. And I'll be like, that ain't, that ain't how to get this done. We're really going to talk about this. Okay.

You're not smooth. I am smooth. So you're not going to put all this on me. And you know you're not smooth. You a real weird dork when it comes to sex. I think I'm smooth. No, you're not smooth. I think I'm smooth and I'm sexy.

You're not smooth and you don't know how to do it. I'm not going to say you're not sexy because I find you, you sexy. But when you start doing your moves, your moves ain't sexy. Okay. I mean, that may be true. So you'll be like, literally, you will do that. You will go, yeah, you will do that. That's to let you know what type of time it is.

Like, what type of time it is. Like a cartoon. If it's 9-10 or fucking 9-11. Like a cartoon. And I'm just like, or fucking 9-11. Like a cartoon. And I'm just like, all right, like, that's not getting it going. So then I got to take over and, like, do what I got to do to get us to where we need to go. Because you're just going to be like, hi. And stuff like, yes, you do be doing stuff like that.

And you do be doing stuff like that. That's as far as I can get. And you do be doing stuff like that. Okay. Okay. Well, I mean, I try. I don't know. I've never had to work hard, so. Maybe that's what it is. That's probably why it's coming off so goofy.

Well, you have some good chemistry going, obviously. You have a good sex life. You have a healthy sex life. I don't think you guys would either tolerate, either of you would tolerate being in a relationship where you didn't have a healthy sex life. I mean, well, I wouldn't say that. We haven't been fucking for a while. But I think that that just happens

when you're with someone for a long-ass time. Don't be like, for a while, like it's been 80 years. No, but I mean, I'm just saying, like, I think everybody I know who's been in a very long time, you go through droughts where you're just like. Yeah. But when we back at it, we're at it.

But when we're at it, we're at it. So what's a long time for you guys to go for not having sex? A few months. Yeah, two months. Oh, yeah. That is a decent amount of time. Yeah. I think two months is like our cap.

Yeah, but it's also like she's on the road. She's busy. What happened with you going on the road with her? You just can't do it all the time. No, I've just been staying home more to give her more of her space to grow as an artist independently. Without you getting in fights with the audience members? Yeah, that.

Yep. No, just giving her space to you know, well, you can explain what you know. Oh, no, go ahead, big woman. You got it. Okay. Well, she's just developing new stuff, so she's just trying to get back to the roots of when she first fell in love with comedy when she was first on the scene and getting back to the roots of grinding and like not

staying at the best places and doing all of that. And when I'm on the road with her, she feels like she has to accommodate me and stay at the best. You know what I'm saying? Totally. That's exactly how I feel. Would I take anybody? Yeah.

So she wants to just get back to the roots of it. So I've just been staying home more and getting the house, you know, doing my own thing and letting her get back to the roots of being a comic. Okay, well, this is a perfect cutoff point to end this episode. Wow. More on sex with Yaya and Sam when we return. You can check out Sam Jay, who is on tour now in cities all over the country, and she's fucking funny. If you haven't seen her on The Roast or on her own special, then go watch both of those. Her special's on HBO Max, now known as Max.

And then you can follow Yaya at Vanity.Vixen on Instagram and TikTok. And it is worth the follow because she's up to some, well, shenanigans. I mean, you'll understand what I'm talking about. I'm talking about. Does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really No Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.