Dear Chelsea - Minisode: Polyamory Problems

Episode Date: April 18, 2025

Couples Counseling with Chelsea has never been this blessed: A 20-something worries she’s in for heartbreak when she falls for a polyamorous, married Rabbi.  * Order a signed copy of Chelsea’s new book HERE! * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In 2020, a group of young women found themselves in an AI-fuelled nightmare. Someone was posting photos. It was just me naked. Well, not me, but me with someone else's body parts. This is Levittown, a new podcast from iHeart Podcasts, Bloomberg and Kaleidoscope, about the rise of deepfake pornography and the battle to stop it. Listen to Levittown on Bloomberg's Big Take podcast. Find it on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Ever wonder what it would be like to be mentored by today's top business leaders? My podcast, This Is Working, can help with that. Here's advice from Google CMO Lorraine Twohill on how to treat AI like a partner. I see AI as an incredible co-pilot. You may use different tools or toys to get the work done,

but AI is just the latest flavor of that. You're still the judge of what good looks like. I'm Dan Roth, LinkedIn's editor-in-chief. On my podcast, This Is Working, leaders share strategies for success. Listen on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your kid. Could be a family show. We're not quite sure. We're still figuring it out.

It's a work in progress. Listen to Beardless, it's me on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. The number one hit podcast, The Girlfriends is back with something new. The Girlfriends Spotlight. Each week you'll hear women triumph over adversity.

You'll meet Tracy who survived a terrifying attack. I remember that feeling of, OK, this is how I die. And turn that darkness into light. I want to take over the world and just leave this place better than I found it. So come and join our girl gang. Listen to The Girlfriend Spotlight on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome to Couples Counseling with Chelsea Handjob, where we do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families. Welcome to my office. Hi, Catherine. How are you? Hi, Chelsea. I want to jump right in with our callers today, which are Rachel and Leah. Rachel is the one writing in and she says, Dear Chelsea, I could really use some advice. About two months ago, I met a woman at a party and we fell hard for each other. It turns out she is polyamorous and married with a child. She's 36 and I'm 28. Traditionally, I'd never go for someone who was in a situation like this, but I couldn't help myself. Turns out she is polyamorous and married with a child. She's 36 and I'm 28.

Traditionally, I'd never go for someone who was in a situation like this, but I couldn't help myself. We have such a deep connection and she makes me so happy. She's also a rabbi, which is so meaningful to me because I'm Jewish. The thing is, she isn't out as polyamorous to her congregation, so we could never go public.

Also, my boss happens to be in her congregation. Super weird coincidence. Additionally, I'm not 100% on board with calling a woman with a husband and child my girlfriend. Let's call her Leah for these purposes. I was at her house earlier this week and had to leave because her husband was coming home and I couldn't fathom meeting him. I fear that if I were to meet him, I would feel really sad and ultimately freak out and break things off with Leah or fall in love with him too. It just seems potentially messy.

Dating people who are unavailable is typically my pattern and I recognize that Leah falls into the category of people who are unavailable. I'm at the point where I want to date other people but I still want to date Leah. I'm scared of getting hurt but I don't want to let go of my connection with her. How do I go about this without hurting my heart and still having fun? Thank you so much Rachel. Hi Rachel and Leah. Hi Chelsea and Catherine. Hi. Hi you guys. Okay, let's recap. Rachel, you're polyamorous. No, that would be cool. Leah is polyamorous. Leah, you're polyamorous and you're a rabbi. Yeah. Okay, and your husband knows you're polyamorous, you're a rabbi. Yeah. Okay.

And your husband knows you're polyamorous, obviously. Yeah, he is too. He is too. Okay, wonderful, great. But you're just not out to your congregation. Right. And then Rachel, so you're not polyamorous, but now you're looking to be polyamorous

because you want to date Leah and other people, right? I mean, yeah, yeah. I guess I am at that point. I want, I can't, I can't fathom not dating Leah, but I'm also trying to find my person as a monogamous person. So I guess I'm here trying to figure out where I can go from here. And I'm really struggling with that. Yeah, I can imagine how. How did you guys meet? At Temple?

Oh, that would be crazy. No, we met at a party. It was a really cute party just for women. Rachel rhinestoned my face, and we smoked a joint together, and it was really cute. Okay, well I need to go to your synagogue because it sounds pretty modern. No, that wasn't a synagogue party.

I know, I know, I know. I'm just saying. Because I'm at the synagogue, fair enough. Yeah, you're polyamorous, you're smoking pot, like all of these things are lining up. Okay. And Rachel, are you both bisexual or Rachel, are you a lesbian? I'm bisexual. You're bisexual, okay.

So you're looking for your partner, whether that be a man or woman. Right. Okay, great. Well, this is very interesting, you guys. I like this. This is multi-layered. I mean, Rachel, I would never say,

I think with someone like Leah, who's a rabbi, and who, do you go to her congregation? No No, okay. I would never date someone in my congregation for the record. Okay. Okay copy that copy that I think you know what the rules are So it's a very good experiment for you and you should look at it as such like I understand there are emotions involved and feelings Involved and you haven't necessarily been in this kind of dynamic before, is that correct? Yeah. Right.

So I think this is a huge opportunity for you, like it's an opportunity to learn and grow. You and Leah can have this relationship that you have with the understanding. You have all the information. So it's not like you're getting, you know, like all of a sudden you're finding out, you know, you're six months in, you're in love with someone and you find out, oh my God, they're married, they're this and that. No, you have all the information here to protect your emotions.

So it's up to you to kind of do that job and say, okay, this is never going to amount to a marriage or a person like a primary partner. You're a primary partner, right? This is going to amount to, it could be a huge growing and learning experience for you, which I think it will be. And no one's being dishonest. So that's the biggest advantage so far is that all the honesty is out on the table. And you're also looking for your person.

And while you have Leah in your life, like that's not going to prevent you from looking that person. If you, do you feel like you have fallen in love with Leah already? I really love her and I definitely think that we're on that track. Yeah, I guess I am finding it difficult to be emotionally available to other people while I have all of this love and time and energy that I'm spilling into someone who ultimately could never be my primary partner. Okay. So does that make you think maybe you shouldn't be involved with Leah at all? Like

you can't handle both of those things? No, no, I want to figure out and work on ways where I can't handle both of those things. Because I do love her so much and I don't ever want to not be romantically involved with her. I feel like this is sort of a follow your bliss moment. Like, I know you want to find your primary partner, I know you want to find like the one, but right now Maybe it's okay to just let this be what it is and not try to put all your energy in two places, right? We can't serve two masters. I think there's something about that. Maybe somewhere in the oh

That's New Testament. Never mind But maybe right now you're just like having this really wonderful Experience and let it be what it is. And when and if you feel like that needs to change and you need to find another partner, then you move toward that. Yeah. In 2020, a group of young women in a tidy suburb of New York City found themselves in an AI-fueled nightmare.

Someone was posting photos. It was just me naked. Well, not me, but me with someone else's body parts on, my body parts that looked exactly like my own. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream. It happened in Levittown, New York. But reporting the series took us through the darkest corners of the internet

and to the front lines of a global battle against deepfake pornography. This should be illegal, but what is this? This is a story about a technology that's moving faster than the law and about vigilantes trying to stem the tide. I'm Margie Murphy. And I'm Olivia Carville. This is Levertown, a new podcast from iHeart Podcasts, Bloomberg and Kaleidoscope.

Listen to Levertown on Bloomberg's Big Take podcast. Find it on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey kids, it's me, Kevin Smith. And it's me, Harley Quinn Smith. That's my daughter, man, who my wife has always said is just a beardless, d***less version of me.

And that's the name of our podcast, Beardless D***less Me. I'm the old one. I'm the young one. And every week we try to make each other laugh really hard. Sounds innocent, doesn't it? A lot of cussing, a lot of bad language. It's for adults only. Or listen to it with your kid.

It could be a family show. We're not quite sure. We're still figuring it out. It's a work in progress. Listen to Beardless D***less Me on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcast. Sonoro and iHeart's MyCultura podcast network present The Setup, a new romantic comedy podcast starring Harvey Guillen and Christian Navarro.

The Setup follows a lonely museum curator searching for love. But when the perfect man walks into his life, well, I guess I'm saying I like you. You like me? He actually is too good to be true. This is a con. I'm conning you to get the Delano painting. We could do this together.

To pull off this heist, they'll have to get close and jump into the deep end together. That's a huge leap, Fernando, don't you think? After you, Chulito. But love is the biggest risk they'll ever take. That none of those never going to look as much as he loves this job. That painting is hours. Listen to the set as part of the Mike with the podcast

network available on the I heart radio app Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Israel Gutierrez and I'm hosting a new podcast of dynasty, the story of how the Golden State Warriors have dominated the NBA for over a decade. From the building of the core that included Klay Thompson and Draymond Green, to one of the boldest coaching decisions in the history of the sport.

I just felt like the biggest thing was to earn the trust of the players and let the players know that we were here to try to help them take the next step, not tear anything down. Today, the Warriors dynasty remains alive, in large part because of a scrawny six- 6'2 hooper who everyone seems to love. For what Steph has done for the game, he's certainly on that Mount Russmore for guys that

have changed it. Come revisit this magical Warriors ride. This is Dubb Dynasty. The Dubb's Dynasty is still very much alive. Listen to Dubb Dynasty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What are your major concerns? You're concerned about protecting your emotions. Is that your number one fear? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Well, when you have the truth, right, before you, it's your decision, like, there's nothing here that's not protecting your emotions, is what I'm saying. Everything is set up to protect your emotions because you know what the situation is. So like, you have such a huge advantage. It's not like you're finding out, it's not like, you know, you're being blindsided.

You know what you're getting into, and it's okay to fall in love with someone that's unavailable in a polyamorous situation. That's okay, because you're also gonna fall in love with other people in your life, and just because you're in love with this person doesn't prevent you from falling in love. That's like an idea that we put in our minds.

You're not living together and also seeking someone out. That would be something else. It's not like, oh, I have a whole life with him, but I'm still trying to meet someone else. She has a whole life separate from you. She has a husband. And I'm assuming she has a family too. Do you have children, Leah? I have a kid, yeah. Yeah. Okay. So there you have it. How integrated is she allowed to, like, how do you and your husband have your relationship set up with your other partners and your other lovers?

How integrated can Rachel become in your life? He is down to meet her. I think my best case scenario one day, if I could get my wildest fantasy, would be that she becomes a close family friend. That's how it feels for everyone in my family, that she becomes like, you know, a close family friend. Like that's how it feels for everyone in my family, except for me, obviously it's beyond that. But she does not want to meet him yet or slash maybe at all,

which I totally understand and respect. Honestly, like it, when you identify as polyamorous, it is sometimes like an initial challenge or like emotionally slightly Complicated to me a partner's other Partner and then if you like don't even identify as poly like oh my gosh that must be I don't even know I don't know how you're doing it Rachel. So Yeah, yeah, right. It would be but I wouldn't put a never on anything, you know? Like you don't want to meet him now, fine,

that you don't have to. But down the road, you might change your mind. You probably will. And you probably will depending on your own situation and what happens with your situation and who you end up seeing and dating. And I wouldn't put a pin in any of that either, but I wouldn't be so aggressively in any direction.

I would say to Rachel, just like enjoy what's happening. Enjoy your relationship with Leah. It's not a secret. That's a lifestyle that she's chosen. It might be a lifestyle that you choose also. Or you might meet someone and then decide, oh, this isn't the way that, or they might not be okay with it.

They don't want you to have another lover. And then maybe that time will come and you'll have to make that decision. But I wouldn't put so much pressure on protecting your emotions. You have all the information, that is your protection. And you should look at it as like a power, you know what I mean?

Like think of that, like no one's lying to you. So right there, you're in a powerful position to choose what you're willing, what you want. You know, do you want this? Can you handle her being with a husband? Can you handle that? What do you think when you think about that in the long term of things?

Say you guys do fall madly in love and she is still married. How do you see that playing out? What do you think of that? Do you think that's something that you can handle? Right now, absolutely not. In the future, potentially. I just, I think of her and her husband and I, like, I freak out.

I get so sad. I get so sad and I think in my head, wow, Leah is giving her love to someone who is not me and that fucking sucks. Right. Well, that makes it sound like, yeah, you might not be able to handle that situation because you are going to be too jealous and, you know, and that means you're probably not polyamorous. What thoughts have you given to being polyamorous?

I've never thought about being polyamorous until I started dating Leah two months ago. Or I guess three months ago now. And I've been on a few dates with people since and a defining factor now, and I haven't really talked to you about this before Leah, but it's, you know, is someone would someone be down with me having a girlfriend or dating someone else or, you know, would that person be open to polyamory with this specific person who I really love? I'm not closing off any options. And like you said, Chelsea, I'm focusing on staying in the moment and staying present

and being present because any time I go and I spiral and my emotions get the most of me, I have to check back in with myself, take a few breaths and remind myself this is it's, it's practicing being in the moment. It's practicing being here now. Because when I'm here now, and I check in with myself, I'm like, everything's great. I am really happy. And I'm with someone who makes me really happy and everything's going to be fine. So I think that if I continue to check back in with myself and remind myself that I'm okay, then it's going to be okay down the line. Because I've come to terms in many ways that we will never get married or have children together and Leah will never be my primary partner.

I think one of the things you should take from this call is that it's okay to let yourself enjoy this for what it is right now and checking in with yourself is the best way to do that and making sure that that's still the loudest voice. And then when there is a louder voice about it's time to move on or it's time to find a monogamous relationship, when and if that time comes, once that is louder, then you know it's time to make a change.

But I think you're okay to let yourself enjoy this for a while because you both seem really happy and glowy and you're in the throes of things and I think you'll know when and if it's time to move on. Yeah, I think you answered everything I was asking, Rachel. I think you really are enjoying yourself being present, being in the moment when it becomes, if it becomes emotionally tumultuous for you,

then yes, then that's a time where you have to go, okay, maybe I need a timeout or maybe I need to break this off. But I would say just go for it right now. It's a huge like expansive experience that you're having with someone. It's been a couple months. Have fun, enjoy it. You know what the rules are.

Play the game and enjoy yourself and just take it one step at a time and be mindful of where your head is at, you know? And if it becomes too overwhelming for you, make sure that you're checking in with that too. And then that's fine. And I'm sure Leah will be respectful of that if and when that does happen. Yeah, yeah, thank you. That is the way to go about it,

because this is so special, and I don't want to give up on this or leave this. I would like to continue to check in with myself and see where this can go. My dream is to be her bridesmaid one day. Okay, well, I'm very excited about the possibilities and the outcome of this and where this goes. I mean, in a perfect world, you'll find a partner, they'll be polyamorous, you'll all be polyamorous, and you can live a happily ever after life with just like two partners, each of you. And then like,

great, then we're really evolving. Yeah. Thank you. Okay. All right. Keep us posted okay. Take care you two. Thank you Chelsea and Catherine. Thank you. Bye. Drum roll Catherine please. Chelsea Handler Abroad Abroad is my European tour. So I'm coming to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get the hell out of this fucking country. And it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Reykjavik. I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK.

I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June. I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna. Berlin, Barcelona, Lisbon. I'm coming. Abroad is abroad. That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.

I know. I want to go see me abroad. And there I'll be. There I like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad. I know. I want to go see me abroad and there I'll be. There I'll be. Excellent. Do you want advice from Chelsea? Write into dearchelseapodcast at gmail.com. Find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law.

And be sure to check out our merch at chelseyhandler.com. In 2020, a group of young women found themselves in an AI-fueled nightmare. Someone was posting photos. It was just me naked. Well, not me, but me with someone else's body parts. This is Levittown, a new podcast from iHeart Podcasts, Bloomberg and Kaleidoscope about the rise of deepfake pornography and the battle to stop it. Listen to Levittown on Bloomberg's

Big Take podcast. Find it on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Ever wonder what it would be like to be mentored by today's top business leaders? My podcast, This Is Working, can help with that. Here's advice from Google CMO Lorraine Twohill on how to treat AI like a partner. I see AI as an incredible co-pilot. You may use different tools or toys to get the work done,

but AI is just the latest flavor of that. You're still the judge of what good looks like. I'm Dan Roth, LinkedIn's editor-in-chief. On my podcast, This Is Working, leaders share strategies for success. Listen on the iHeart Radio app, good looks like. I'm Dan Roth, LinkedIn's editor in chief. On my podcast, This Is Working, leaders share strategies for success. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey kids, it's me, Kevin Smith.

And it's me, Harley Quinn Smith. That's my daughter, man, who my wife has always said is just a beardless, d***less version of me. And that's the name of our podcast, Beardless, D***less Me. I'm the old one. I'm the young one. And every week we try to make each other laugh really hard. Sounds innocent, doesn't it? Lot of cussing, lot of bad language. It's for adults only.

Or listen to it with your kid. Could be a family show. We're not quite sure, we're still figuring it out. It's a work in progress. Listen to Beardless **** with Me on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. The number one hit podcast, The Girlfriends, is back with something new,

The Girlfriends Spotlight, where each week you'll hear women share their stories of triumph over adversity. You'll meet June, who founded an all-female rock band in the 1960s. I might as well have said, we're gonna walk on the moon. But she showed them who's boss. They would rush up and say, not bad for chicks. Come and join our girl gang. Listen to The Girlfriend Spotlight on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.