Dear Chelsea - Mothers Part 1

Episode Date: May 6, 2021

In this two-part debut episode of their brand new advice podcast, Chelsea and co-host Brandon Marlo take some roads-less-traveled in discussions about motherhood.  An adopted 33 year old struggles to manage his relationship with his biological mother. The daughter of a narcissist seeks advice on navigating that psychology. And Brandon shares the letter he recently sent to the judge in his own mother’s drunk driving case asking for the maximum punishment. The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, this is Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Dear Chelsea. This is a podcast where I am giving out solicited advice. And sometimes unsolicited. And sometimes unsolicited. We all know that I can do that part with no problem whatsoever. Unsolicited advice seems to unsolicited. We all know that I can do that part with no problem whatsoever. Unsolicited advice seems to be my specialty.

But I actually do really enjoy giving advice to people. And I am very delighted also to bring to the fore my assistant, Brandon, because not only does Brandon lighten up my life, he lightens up everyone who's in my life, their life as well. He is able to just like bring sunshine. People want to FaceTime with Brandon. My family misses Brandon. Like everybody loves Brandon and he needs to be shared with the world. So I was so nice. Yeah, I know. I know. That's probably the first time you're hearing me say any of that. You must be blushing. I probably am. But you're not. I'm looking at you and you're actually not blushing. So that's weird. But anyway, we have given not only advice to each other on several occasions. You've helped me

when I was going through therapy and constantly like I'm still grappling with not being a fucking cunt all the time. Yes. I'm on a cunt loop. You know, there's a period of time where I'm like completely grounded and understanding that I have to be nice, compassionate, empathetic. And then there's another period of time where I'm so sick of doing that. Right. There's a peak. Yes. There's a peak and a valley. Anyway, you've always been very good at helping me when I've been struggling with, you know, how to handle my emotions, my emotional roller coasters, things like that. And also we've given advice together with lots of friends.

You know, a lot of my friends come to me when they're in crisis. And I, for some reason, I'm very drawn to being able to fix a crisis. That's my personality type. I've accepted it. I no longer reject it. But I know that I'm good in a crisis. And sometimes when I have overflow with patients, you have taken on some of my friends who need help and support.

Yes, you've contracted me in on a few of your projects. Yes, and you've been doing well. Thank you. Yeah, you have an active case in Canada right now. So how's that going? Well, I'm going to have to report back because I've not had a status update in a little while, which is concerning. So I'm going to check in today, actually.

This is a good girlfriend of mine who was having trouble with her teenage son, and I enlisted Brandon to talk to her because Brandon was also... I was a troubled youth. Yeah... I was a troubled youth. Yeah, I was a troubled youth too. I was pregnant twice by the time I was 15. So I was no walk in the park for my fucking parents. Which is why I think the perspective that we're able to give on some of these is interesting because we're not actually living some of these cases, whether it be with marriage or kids or certain types of relationships. So we can give an objective perspective. Yeah, I agree with that. I agree with the fact that because neither of us have children,

we can give objective feedback about how your children are behaving and your relationship with them because all we do is see people with children. I've seen so many different kinds of parenting in my life. So I do feel like I have an idea about giving advice on the subject matter. Which will come in handy. So we're going to do all sorts of different types of Mother's Day So I do feel like I have an idea about giving advice on the subject matter. Which will come in handy. So we're going to do all sorts of different types of Mother's Day write-ins today. So some that need a perspective on being a mother, some that have issues with their mother. And you're wearing a fuck you necklace on this recording day.

Is that for any reason in particular? No, that just is how I was feeling this morning when I woke up. But it has no regard to how I feel about Mother's Day, which is, I would say, my mom is dead. Your mom is a hot mess. She is. I always say that she, when we frame it that way, I like to say that my mother is a mix between Martha Stewart and Anna Nicole Smith because she's very beautiful and she's very domestic, but she's messy. She's messy because she has like a drinking problem. Yeah. She's got, yeah, she's just got problems. She's got a, she's got a variety of them and they don't coincide well together. Right. They don't live well together. My mother was really sweet, really nice, really the opposite of me. Not, she was very much not outgoing, very introverted, quiet, but had like a kind of sarcastic undertone.

And she was never into alcohol or anything like that. She was like a total homebody mama bear, like snuggly. Like you wanted to come home, snuggle her, and then she would give you a Snickers bar. Well, and she passed about a decade ago, right? Don't say passed like that. I always find that so... Well, she did. Yeah, she passed away. decade ago, right? Don't say passed like that. I always find that so... Well, she did. Yeah, she passed away.

She passed away. Not passed. That's like saying somebody crossed over. Maybe she did. Get Laurel and Jackson on the phone. We need to find out. I fucking hope she did because I talk to my mother every morning in meditation. I'm like, okay, I summon my mother and I pretend like that she's with me.

I actually, I have to say, with meditation and therapy and all that stuff, now that my mother is dead, I feel closer to her than I did when she was alive. But was that immediate or as time has gone on? No, no, no. Most recently, like after, you know, learning all the stuff I learned about like energy and that no one's ever really gone. They just transform into something else like a leaf, like a leaf or a rattlesnake. Yeah. But yeah, so Mother's Day, the topic of Mother's Day was always something that you just did out of respect to mothers, right? And that's a necessary tradition that should keep going. But there are different types of mothers in our lives,

is something else that I've come to realize as you get older. Some people play a motherly role, even though they're not your mother, or can give you that sort of insight or perspective or nurturing that you need. And so you just have to appreciate all the women in your lives for the mothering that they do. Yeah, yeah. And there's a lot of people that remind me like of my own mom, you know, that I'm drawn to that aren't mothers in my life, but they have that same energy, you know. What was your favorite thing about your mom? My mom was just just a snuggle fest. Like you just wanted to like roll up in a ball and like watch TV with her and she'd like tickle the bottom of your feet. And she was all about food. So that's why I have like, you know, she would make macaroni and cheese,

like the really good cheesy kind at like three when we would get home from school. At that point, I was the youngest. So I was only like a Velveeta yeah well basically yes something of that magnitude of cheese and it would be home at three o'clock in the afternoon like and I assume that was a snack you know so I would eat that every day and then like I wonder why I have fucking you know issues with food is because my mother was feeding me like I was like we just came out of a war was that her love language yes okay. Okay. Yeah. Whatever that means, Brandon, I'm assuming that was, yes. I mean, love language, I can only assume what that means. Well, you know what's interesting is the way you describe your mother, you describe your dogs.

That you want a dog who wants to cuddle you all the time. And just as a little ball that you can curl up into. Wouldn't be any surprise to me if my mother was Bert. Like, I wouldn't be any surprise. Or no, she'd be Bernice because Bernice to me if my mother was Bert. Like, I wouldn't be any surprise. No, she'd be Bernice because Bernice gives me the finger all the time. My mom had that kind of wicked sense of humor where she would come back as a dog just to ignore me. Your mom must be spirit hopping because at one point it was chunks. Spirit hopping. I mean, she's just like going from

dog to dog just as one goes. She's like, OK, I'm going to pop on into this one. Yeah, yeah. But that's something my mother would do is would come back as a dog and then just be an asshole to me. Once I moved to LA, I was really young. I was like 19 or 20 and I moved to LA and if I didn't call her like every other day or whatever it was, every third day, she would call me until I called her back. And this was before cell phones like were everywhere. You know, you had one, but like I would never answer my cell phone. So she kept calling my landline. So one morning it started ringing at 4 a.m. I ignored it 5 a.m. And then I answered it and she was like, this is what happens when you don't call your mother and then hung up on me. So she woke me up at like those times. So that was her sense of humor. That's funny. Like, yeah, just like I'm a little bit of a bitch, but I'm not too much of a bitch.

But she was sharp. Everyone in your family seems to have that gene. Were there quick? Oh, yeah. Well, that's nice. I mean, I'm glad that they would probably love to hear you say that. Everyone's pretty quick, but everyone's very sarcastic. So quick isn't, you know, the word.

Everyone's just a little bit like subversive. Do you have a favorite memory of your mom? It would involve food, probably Martha's Vineyard, being on the beach with her because she would never come to the beach. My mom like never did any of the things that a mother did. She never went to my school conferences. On my like ninth birthday, she never came to pick me up from school. She said, I was like, Hey, it's my birthday. I want you to take me to lunch. School literally was down the street. I wrote the letter for her. She signed it. That's how I like operated on my whole childhood until I started just forging both

of their signatures. Cause I was like, these two are fucking dead weight. Like my parents were dead weight. So I wrote this, I'm like, please excuse Chelsea. It's her birthday. I'm taking her to lunch. No one shows. My mother never shows. And I walk home. I'm fuming. So I have to go back to class. I have not gotten out to lunch on my birthday. I'm so pissed.

You know, I'm nine years old. So it's everything. I walk home. I storm in. And I just remember fucking going off on my mother. Like, how could you leave me on my birthday? How could you fucking do that? Do you understand? All I ask of you is to do one thing

and that's to pick me up. And she's like, sweetie, I was picking you up. I picked you up and she picked me up, but she never came into the school to sign me out. Like she just sat at this parking lot that I come out to at the end of the day, you know, on the day she did decide to pick me up. And she didn't even understand that you had to go in and sign your child out. Like she didn't understand any of the mechanics. She just couldn't be bothered. No, no, she couldn't. And she didn't even understand that you had to go in and sign your child out. Like she didn't understand any of the mechanics. She just couldn't be bothered. No, no, she couldn't. And she was tired all the time. So she must have been depressed now. In retrospect, all signs lead, I mean, being married to my father could not have been uplifting. You have two sisters. Which of you three has more of your mom? My sister Shoshana, for sure.

But that's enough about my mother. Let's talk about your mother so you can bring people up to speed on the kind of situation you're dealing with. So your mother's been divorced. Yeah, like six times. Okay. Why don't you start with that? By the way, mom, if you're listening, nice to meet you. No, I've met her before over the phone, I think.

Have you? Oh, I don't know. over the phone, I think. Have you? Oh, I don't know. Anyway. Yeah. So she's just in that regard. Yeah. She's been married six times. And the one thing I try and keep a positive outlook on most aspects of my mother's life. And in that regard, I say that, you know, she never stopped looking for love. And I think that most people become jaded by that if they don't find it the first, second or third time. But no, no, no, not her. She's not going to stop until she finds it. That's an optimistic way of looking at it. So yeah, she's just a woman with some issues. How was she growing up? What kind of mother was she when you were growing up? Again, it was super high or super low. She was like, you know, from an outside perspective, she had it all together and she's so pretty and she could do, she was like Barbie as well. So she's done everything. She was. Yeah. You showed me a picture of her. She's really beautiful. Yeah. She was the woman

at Lancome who went around the U.S. and like, this is when department store makeup artists were it. Like if you were one of those, you had your face on posters that you were coming in. She was a projects manager for a chemical engineering company. She owned her own bakery. Like, she's done everything. So I always thought of her as, like, a real-life Barbie. There was nothing she couldn't do. And she was a single mom with four kids, and, you know, that caused issues of its own.

But she always worked, like, three jobs to take care of us. Oh, God. So I have a tender spot for any woman who I see going through something is I know that all of those people are just one bad decision away from being homeless, basically. So I try and be as empathetic as possible, even to my mother, who I have no contact with because she's just. Well, that's not true. You don't have no contact with her. You did call the police on her in her local city to let them know that she was drinking and driving and gave them her license plate number. So I would say that's a not direct contact, but that's an indirect contact. And I like your style. I think that's fucking awesome.

Listen, sometimes we end up parenting our parents, and that's okay. Yeah, right. We have to hold people accountable. Right. I think that's true. I think a lot of people parent their parents. I didn't really do that, I don't think. I mean, I'm the youngest of six kids, so I didn't have to parent my parents,

but I definitely see you parenting your mom. And, I mean, just because it's not me, I find it hilarious. Like, I find it hilarious that your mother has to be, like, that you freeze her out and that you don't talk to her when she misbehaves and that you're not willing to fuck around. I think it's really funny. No, I don't fuck around. I can't. I mean, at this juncture, I'm 32 years old. Like, I'm not going to put up with that sort of behavior. And this is one of those

situations in life that as you get older, if you do, and I'm assuming a lot of people who are going to listen to this have that dynamic with their parents. Those are relationships you want. Those are not relationships you need. So once you make that distinction, things become much easier. Yeah. I mean, you say that a lot. You say those are relationships you want versus relationships you need, like a parent-child relationship. But a lot of people think that you need that. They don't understand that you can divorce your parent or your son, and they don't have an ability to do it. Well, everyone has the ability to do it because I've done it. I was so codependent for so long.

I mean, we were in cahoots. But then once you just make that decision, like, what is this relationship adding to my life? If it's positive, great. And if it's not, then you have to make an adjustment. And when you do, you feel so much more powerful in that relationship. Yeah, yeah. Well, that you're not beholden, you feel so much more powerful in that relationship. Yeah, yeah. That you're not beholden, you know? Yeah. I think we should take a quick break and then we'll come back. And do you want to start taking some callers?

Yes, I would love to. We'll be right back. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor we got the answer will space junk block your cell signal the astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer we talk with the

scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth plus does tom cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir.

Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really.

Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason Bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So our first submission comes from Billy, who is from Minneapolis. I like the way you get very excited when you talk about submissions. I like that. You take it seriously. Well, you better hang on because we've got quite a few today.

Okay. Well, I think you better hang on. I better. Okay, so his name is Billy. He's 33, and he's from Minneapolis. And he writes, Dear Chelsea, I was raised an only and adopted child by my parents who are not able to conceive. My whole life has been based on my

ability to be the perfect offspring. At 33 years old, I still carry some of that baggage and feel like a failure. Being adopted is a blessing and a curse. You feel wanted, but you need to deliver. My parents wanted me to be an evangelical symbol of heterosexuality, but I ended up being a godless homo. Even when you're wanted, you still seek more. I met my birth mother when I was 18. I soon found out that she married my birth father and had three more children after putting me up for adoption. How do you move forward from an event like that

and successfully seek and identify your core beliefs? Seeking identity has been an ongoing issue for many years, and I'm hoping you can provide some insight on how you have built yours. In the past few years, there have been multiple deaths within the family, including my adoptive father. Now it's just me and my adoptive mother. Oh, great. Let's is just so many things. Well, there's a lot going on there, but he's on the phone. So I think that we should get a little additional insight from him. Let's get on the phone with him. Billy? Hi, how are you?

Hi. Thank you for your letter. I mean, that is a lot to handle. Yes. Yes, it is. Like, you know, instinctively, I would always tell everybody to just like reach for their dreams and go for it and take a huge risk in life, which would be moving away. But then you say your adoptive mother is a widow and she's there alone and you're all she has. So there's a sense of responsibility along with that. And is there any chance of your adoptive mother? We're going to get to all of this stuff that's in the letter, but is there any chance that your adoptive mother would be willing to relocate with you? Not like live together, but relocate together so that you're not separating. I don't think so. Cause her roots are pretty deep in that area just because that's where she lived with my dad for so long.

But I think overall, just because she and I have had a very tight knit relationship for a long time. And I think honestly, moving away would be the best for both of us. Okay, well, then that seems like you already have the answer to that question. If you know that intellectually, then all you have to do is just kind of bite the bullet. And it seems like, you know, you don't have to go. Where does she live?

She lives about an hour and 20 minutes away from where I live in Minneapolis. Okay. So you're thinking about leaving Minneapolis and going somewhere even farther? Yep. All the way out to Maine. Maine. Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, I think you deserve to do whatever you want to do with your life. You know, if you really want to take a leap of faith and try something new, I really, my heart of hearts, don't think you'll ever regret making a move like that. You know, it might test your relationship or it might make you closer with your mother because you haven't been apart. And so there's a lot of codependency there. So, and then let's get back to this adoptive stuff about you and your adoptive parents and them having three more children together. That must feel like it's very, very personal. Yes. My birth mother got pregnant when she was 19. She was broken up with my birth father at the time, did not tell him that she was pregnant and ended up having me, giving me up for adoption and not telling him

for 18 years. Okay. Well then there you go with the explanation for that reasoning. You know what I mean? So are you able to excise yourself from the idea that you were rejected because are you past that or is that something you're struggling with? It comes and goes. I mean, I met them when I was 18. So it's been a few years. And so there's been a lot of processing through it. Some days are good. Some days are bad. But I mean, it's one of those things that you go back to and you think over a little bit too hard. But then at the end of the day, it's like, I would not have the life that I have right now if it wasn't for that action that she did. And so there's just

the acceptance piece. Yeah, absolutely. And I, what, go ahead, Brandon. And do you still have communication with your biological parents now? Not for maybe a couple of years now. My birth mother has a very severe mental illness challenge and it's just not- Well, there you go. You dodged another bullet by not being raised by her.

So there you go. Yeah, exactly. But I would urge you to really understand the value that you have just by being here. You're not raised by her. So there you go. Yeah, exactly. But I would urge you to really understand the value that you have just by being here. Like you're not here by accident. People go back to negative narratives like, oh God, well, why did my parents do that? Why didn't she tell him for 18 years?

Maybe my life would have been different. Like your life isn't different. And the only way to capitalize on what you're going through right now is to be grateful and to accept it and to do what's in your best interest for you to thrive as a person and not to be depending on any of these people in your life. Right. Right. Completely agree. Well, and you know, between going to school and I'm an alcohol and drug counselor as well. Oh, I thought you were going to say I'm an alcoholic.

I'm like, no shit. I would be too. No, not for the moment. But every day I talk to clients about what it's like to... Or asking them to search for their own identity as well. And I was actually just looking at my own life and being like, you know what? I haven't been really walking this walk either. And so identity is based on our experiences and lessons learned through adverse experiences. And so that's why I just wanted to pick your brain on it because it's something you can't ignore forever. Yeah. And your identity isn't based on your birth mother or your adoptive mother or your adoptive father. Your identity is based on how you handle your life situation,

on what you do with your life. Moving far, like taking a leap of faith and moving to Maine and taking that risk is going to reap probably a lot of happiness in your life, I would surmise. Brandon, what do you have to say on the matter? I agree. I think that I'm also a gay man and have a very complicated relationship with my mother. And I think that the amount of insight you'll receive from removing yourself from that daily habit with her and starting a life for yourself somewhere that then you're kind of forced to communicate in a different way and leverage your time together when you have it versus it just being such a consistent part of your life that if you never make that choice, you could end up being resentful for.

Exactly. Exactly. And it's kind of a mental and emotional move at the same time, because, you know, where I'm from originally, you know, growing up in a really small town as a gay person where it really wasn't allowed when I was young. Anyway, there's this whole there's just been a lot of levels to the identity piece that have been just kind of haunting and just that overshadowing of everything that I've been doing for the past umpteen years. And I think that this move just kind of represents moving forward on like 10 different levels. Yeah, I would agree. Back to something that you guys just mentioned. Do you think that being a gay man complicates your relationship with your mother?

Or you're just saying that you're a gay man who also has a complicated relationship with your mom? You know, this is an interesting question because, yeah, I would say both to some degree. I think that most, from my perspective, most gay men have complicated relationships with their mother. It's either an over, like an overly codependent relationship or it's competitive to a certain degree. And what are you competing about like for? I don't know what the competition is. Male attention. But it's just that there's like a dynamic that you feel like it's one upping, like someone always has to be better than the other. With your mother. To some degree. Yeah. Oh, I see that with a lot of my friends, that if it's not super codependent, like five phone calls a day, then there's an underlying jealousy to some degree. And I don't know where that stems from. I don't know if it's.

I think competitive, though, might be the wrong word. There's something. It's gamesmanship, right? Yeah. It's games. What about you, Billy? Is that is that true for you? I think there's an extra responsibility. And this is just my opinion. But I think there's an extra responsibility for gay men to take care of their mothers. And I don't know if there's some of that dynamic between the father, if there is a father figure where that gets in the way of what the relationship with the mother is supposed to be like. But with my personal experience, you know, it was my mom and me and then it was my dad. And so we had a relationship that kind of represented a partnership. And then he got kind of pushed to the side because of his own shortcomings,

for lack of a better term. Right, right. It's like being in a threesome and you're the one at the end of the bed. And can I just say, this is another part about your identity and trying to become a fully realized adult, basically outside of this one thing in life, your adoption, that for a lot of people really determines the trajectory of what they're going to do. You see it so much with adopted kids that can't get themselves out of that one aspect of who they are. And my mom is adopted. And the thing that I wish for her that, again, this is like we spoke about at the beginning of this episode, like she has a lot of issues, but being able to leverage the different perspective that being adopted gives you, so many people find it, you know, it's so negative. There are so many

harmful repercussions that they see if it's not handled in a certain way. But you now have tools and you now have a perspective that a lot of people don't, having met your biological parents, knowing your adoptive parents and what sort of life they've provided you. So it's important, like Chelsea said, change the narrative of it being a negative thing to being a positive, like, look at what I've gotten to experience. Yeah, you have a bonus, as they say in Sweden, you have a bonus family. Like you have all these bonus people in your life that you didn't get to, you know, you have to look at these things in life. Like we have to take the negative experiences and turn them into positives.

That's our responsibility because that's really the only control you have. And you have all these things sound positive. Look at you. You're normal. You're sane. You're smart. You're good looking. You're about to move to Maine.

And all this great stuff is happening. So yeah, I'm not worried about you for a second. You're getting into being a fully realized man. Well, thank you very much for that. It just sometimes feels like even as someone in their early thirties, I feel like some days I'm 12, some days I might be five years old and it just gets like, I think that's just being the human condition in general. Each day we wake up kind of either able to handle X, Y, and Z or just kind of want to hide. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just remember you're not the only person

thinking what you're thinking, you know? Right. Exactly. Exactly. Well, thank you so much, Billy. Please keep us posted. Let us know if you make the move. We'd like to keep track of the story.

And make sure you reach out to both of your mothers on Mother's Day, no? For sure, one. Just as a nice gesture. Yeah, for sure, one. And maybe reach out to a mother your mothers on Mother's Day, no? For sure, one. Just as a nice gesture. Just as a nice gesture. Yeah, for sure, one. And maybe reach out to a mother that you don't know, a stranger.

Absolutely. Okay, thanks. Thank you, Billy. Bye-bye. Bye. I like Billy. Billy had, Billy, oh, that was really sincere

and like, oh. I feel like Dr. Phil right now. And I feel like Dr. Phil with his wife, you know how his wife goes to work with him? That's like us, sweetheart. Oh, it is. It's like I go to work and then you come with me. Did you have someone that you loved in daytime? I loved Sally Jesse Raphael. You mean Sally Jessica Raphael. Oh, yes.

No, that's not right. I just made that up. Oh, okay. Sweetheart, you can't agree with everything I say. I mean, that doesn't lend credibility to you. I'm wrong so much in those ways that when you do correct me, typically you are right. So now I default to trusting you if you say something like that, that I was wrong. Right. Oh, I'm hosting the Ellen Show. Speaking of daytime. Do you know when? I think the dates are June 30th and July 1st. They are correct. Yes. So you can look out for that. Okay. What else do we have today? Okay. Our next submission comes from a woman named

Carly. She's 35. We don't know where she is, but she's having some issues with her mother. So let's see what you think about this. She says, Hi, Chelsea. Coming to you is the final resort. I've attempted to make peace via mental health professionals who I'm supposed to trust, but it hasn't gotten me very far. I saw your post and thought to myself, why not? I have nothing left to lose. My mother is a complete narcissist who emotionally and sometimes physically abused everyone in my family. My dad is dead now, and since he's died, the gloves have really come off. Oh, God.

The family has fallen apart, and we're all estranged. I couldn't see any end to my mother's emotional abuse. Oh, God. hurt me again or if I should continue to hold my boundary. I also have a daughter now who I need to protect after seeing my mom's abuse of my niece. She's 70 and won't be around much longer. I really miss her and need my mom, but also she's such a huge cunt. If I decide to keep her out of my life, how do I prevent the issue from eating me up and turning me into a bitter cunt too? Society really doesn't like to talk about the fact that there are moms Oh. Oh, my God. Mothers like that are cunts.

They are. Brandon, this is your wheeled house. This is your field house? No. This is your field house? No. This is your wheel house. These submissions make me realize, like, everyone has an issue. Well, that's not only that, though, but it's just like, you know, mothers who act like that and who are not supportive to their children are baffling. Why would you go through that to bring a child into this world to not be able to put your best to it you know like do it well did you always know you did not want to be a mom i knew because i wouldn't

be a good mother because i'm a selfish cunt that's why well see and once you realize that makes everything else easier doesn't it yeah but it's like come come on you know these poor kids have to grow up thinking that their mother doesn't love them or their mother rejected them? I mean, how many people in this world have to experience that? It's so, it's so sad to think of. Let's talk to Carly about it. I think she's on the phone. Oh, well, that was a long letter. She's going to follow it up. Hi. Hi, Carly. Hello. Hi. Oh my God. I felt so bad reading it. Well, Brandon just read me your submission, your letter, and it's just such a bummer that your mother is like that.

Yeah. I mean, so what's the status now? What's your situation? First of all, Brandon has a lot of expertise in this area because his mom is a hot mess. So he's probably going to take the lead on this. You're not alone. And first of all, you look so beautiful. Yeah, you do look.

Oh, thanks. I tried really hard. Oh, well, you look really adorable. Oh, thanks. I tried really hard. Oh, well, you look really adorable. Oh, thanks. Yeah. I actually joined a couple groups on Facebook that are like daughters of narcissistic moms. And like you scroll through the stories and every single one is exactly the same. And that kind of made me feel better because I felt really isolated in my experience because I know so many people with great relationships with their moms. But the status now, actually, after I wrote you that thing,

I don't know why, just for the next like three days, I was really contemplating whether I should or not. And then I just said, fuck it. I did it one morning and she was surprised at first. I couldn't even say hi without crying.

I just felt like such a little bitch. But yeah, I just said, can we just like move forward and be nice to each other? I'm like, fuck the past. Who cares? I don't care. Because she's hung up on the past.

Like, can't let it go. And she was like, I don't know. I'm pretty happy now. And I don't really want you to ruin that. So like she, my dad passed away in 2013. And she's with a new man now. So and so I'm assuming that was a no-go on the counseling. Oh, no.

She's like fully against it, which is hilarious because she used to tell me when I was younger that only crudely crazy people won't go to counseling. Most people who are in counseling are in it for people who won't go. Well, I mean, that's a very, I'm dealing with a very similar situation. So again, I feel your pain and I know the struggle and people who feel like they know more than everyone else will never go to counseling

because they don't want to do the work that it takes to really correct these issues. So it's a battle you can't win, but I do think that there's power in accepting that and accepting what type of relationship you're willing to have with your mom. Like for me right now, it's no relationship. And so you just have to make the best decision

that you know you're operating in a way that you can look back on it in 10, 15, 20 years whenever she's gone and know like I operated in my best interest in this way. Yeah, I feel like anything in my life, I even with boyfriends and stuff, as long as I know I really gave it my all, I'm okay to move forward.

It's just always gonna hurt. I don't know. It's also just impossible to deal with narcissists. Like I have a friend who's going through a divorce and I have another friend who's just getting out of a, you know, her divorce is finalized, but same thing. And it's like, you know, they're reading books about dealing with narcissists and, you know,

about how difficult it is and what kind of number they pull on you, what they do to you mentally, because they, they literally have a way of eating away at your self-confidence, at your self-security, your ability to make a decision. You know, you become indecisive because you're not sure that your decision has value. So it's not talked about as much as, you know, it probably will be in the next decade or two because people seem to be really talking about mental health now. But like dealing with a narcissist is it has a very deleterious impact on all of us. You have to take that into consideration. It's like, it's almost like you're injured and you can't identify the injury. So you're acting in the weakness of the injury yet, you know, you're only really choosing to be injured.

Yeah. Every single person in that group I'm in says they'd rather, they would have rather gotten hit so they could see like, Hey, this person did this to me. And people would give them compassion. But my mom is amazing at everyone my whole life. Your mom is so amazing. She's so nice. She's so this she's so that and it's like, I don't know. I was gonna bring up Ad Astra. I don't know if you've seen it. Probably. But the movie. Yeah. How Brad Pitt that movie was really therapeutic for me when brad pitt like literally went across the fucking solar system to connect with his father and he gets there and the dad's like nah i'm good yeah his dad was still an asshole he's like fuck you and he just floats off in this space it's like that's why I admire Brandon, like the way you handle your mom so much, because I'm always fascinated by

people who insist on a relationship with their parents when they've been molested or God forbid something or beaten, you know, like something terrible. And they still desire the relationship between the father and the mother. And it's like, I know a girl who is trying to cultivate a relationship with a man who molested her, who is her father. And it's like, I know a girl who is trying to cultivate a relationship with a man who molested her, who is her father. And I cannot understand that. It's a conditioning. And Carly, I don't know if you'll agree with this, but there's a certain level of gaslighting that goes on with parents and their kids that you are made to believe that this behavior is appropriate or it's a result of your behavior,

that they are not in control of what they do. It's because they're reacting to what you're doing. It's all such a mindfuck. The thing I'm pissed about is that like now that I'm 35, I don't know. It's taken me till now to have just a faint idea of what a healthy relationship is. Like, I look back at my boyfriends and it's like, I thought the way they were treating me was normal. Meanwhile, they were stealing from me. They were emotionally abusing me, gaslighting, all this shit. And it's like, yeah, I just, I don't know. Do you have a, what's your story now? You have a daughter, you said? Yeah, she just woke up. Do you want to see her? Sure. I'm alone with her, so I'm kind of multitasking.

Do you mind waiting two seconds? No, no. Go ahead and grab her. But don't expect me to get too excited around a baby. I mean, I can, you know, they're cute for a second. Oh, she's sweet. She's real cute, yes, but she's very timid. Like you can tell that there's a lot of baggage here, which is unfortunate. But seemingly it's one of those things that not a lot of people talk about either, the dynamic with their parents.

Oh, that's sweet. Okay, that's a fattled baby. That's a little nugget. That's a cutie. Oh, and she woke up smiling. This is like an ad for pregnancy or penetration or something. Yeah, I didn't think I could get pregnant. And then I did, and I'm really I was like one of those like my whole 20s right up until my early 30s, not having kids, never having kids. And then it just yeah.

Who's the father of the baby? His name's Anthony. Are you guys together or? We're not exactly together. No. And that's the thing is like, that's what I'm kind of what brought it up is because like, I hate that I don't know how to stay in a relationship. Like, I just had such a bad example set for me. So. Well, I think once you got your mother out of your life, which I think we're going to recommend doing, I think you're going to start to value yourself a little bit more without that drumbeat of negativity. And you should and a you need to break the cycle for your daughter. It's fucking hard work. I've been

in counseling since I was 15. And like, yeah, a lot of people now are like, your daughter's going to reap all the benefits. And I can I can definitely feel that. But it is hard being the one that has to break it. Yeah, I understand. But, you know, as a mother, that is your responsibility to break the cycle. I thought having a daughter would help me understand my mom more. Like just going through that and shit. And like, I definitely understand way less. Like I think about saying or doing some of the shit that she said and did to us.

And it just seems so ridiculous. Yeah. So absolutely absurd. But I think that's part of it is that you have to be able to remove yourself from that and the decisions that she made because those aren't all inherited traits. Like you're never going to be able to rationalize

some of her behavior because it's tied to a mental health issue, something that she had going on that you're never going to be able to understand. But you're doing the hardest part, which is the self-assessment now of what you don't want to create, the dynamic with your daughter, the behavioral patterns that you want to break. And the fact that you've been able to identify those things, like that's the hardest part. Knowing that you want to make a change is what's going to set you forward.

Yeah, it's just like I was explaining it to my friend and it's like having a beast in a cage inside of you at all times. Like I feel that shitty generational animosity or hostility or whatever it is, this pent up shit. But it sounds like you're on top of your game. It sounds like you're cranking all of this stuff back and you are kind of like unlearning that behavior, you know, right? It's hard to, it's hard. It's really hard to know whether or not to have her in my life. I don't think you should. We're both telling you, no, let me just say this. My girlfriend from high school just extricated her parents from her life. She wrote them a letter. They were assholes for years and years and years, lots of drama in that family. And she's never felt better. Just as an aside.

In the same situation with me is that I cut off all communication and I did it multiple times in my life. The longest time was two and a half years. I'm at like nine months right now. When you have that space from that person who, first of all, they're giving that little beast that you talk about power. So you remove them from that and you have so much more awareness of what's really going on in your life and what power they've had on you or that you've allowed them to influence in your life.

And as soon as you get some time apart, it just puts things into perspective and you realize what you're not going to allow anymore in your dynamic. Also, a narcissist needs the interaction. So that's why I don't tell my sisters what to do. I have three sisters. I let them all make their own decisions. I don't agree with them. I have three brothers. Oh, what's up with your brothers? Are they talking to your mom? One's in Australia. The other one, no. She took him to court when he was younger. That's nice. Yeah, she's brutal. And then my other one's in Florida.

That's my dad's son, though. My sister and I are biological full siblings. And does your sister talk to your mom? Nope. Well, then, hello. Yeah, stop talking to your mom. You need to listen to us and stop talking to your mother. Okay.

I mean, either do that for like at least commit to a certain amount of time and report back to us. Seriously, I want you to commit to not talking to your mom and report back. Okay? Okay. I mean, either do that for like, at least commit to a certain amount of time and report back to us. Seriously. I want you to commit to not talking to your mom and report back. Okay. Okay. Okay. Carly. Do we have a pinky swear?

Brandon, give us a pinky swear. Brandon and I are pinky swearing on your behalf. There you go. Oh, that's cute. Keeping families together. That's what we're calling our podcast. Well, not your mom, but anyway. Thank you, Carly.

Please keep us posted. Okay. See ya. Poor Carly. that's what we're calling our podcast well not your mom but anyway thank you carly please keep us posted okay see ya poor carly what the fuck is wrong with everybody brandon i don't know but you know what she i just can't believe mothers you know i guess it's that comes from my own narrow-viewed life experience because my mom was such a mom like in you know sweet in that sense well and anyone who's listening to this i guess I would hope that that would be a perspective they take is that not all these relationships, maybe this is not a feel-good episode, but everyone has issues in their life.

Everyone has a different relationship with their mother. Nothing is appropriate or not appropriate, like the expectations that we set on these relationships. Wow. That they're all different. They are different, but it's just such a bummer to hear about jealous moms or narcissistic moms. It's like, how can you do that if you're having a child? I guess it's very probably prevalent. You know, it's a bunch of narcissists having babies.

But this is also interesting that two of the submissions so far have been people who may or may not should not have had kids. Well, you can't say should not. Well, I think there's some people who will well, society conditions women to believe that they should be. I have a friend who has kids who shouldn't. And you need to know that up front. Like, this is probably not for me. But then there's some people who believe like they are meant to do this and offer that sort

of motherly dynamic in the world. And there is a woman who I read about a couple of years ago. Her name is Sarah Cunningham. And she started doing this thing at pride parades where she had a sign that said free mom hugs because people were going and their parents weren't in support of them. So she would go and she would offer that maternal hug to these people who didn't have a parent there to support them. And so she's turned it into an organization called Free Mom Hugs. And one of the quotes says, if you need a mom to attend your same-sex wedding because your biological mom won't, call me. I'll be your biggest fan. So it's sweet. So there are some of these women out there who are probably killing it at the mom game. Yeah, right. If they're doing that, that's really sweet. I think we should take a quick break. Okay, sweetheart. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast,

our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne

Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. God bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. No Really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500,

a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm just astounded that people, mothers are so stupid that they wouldn't go to their gay son's wedding. I mean, honestly, like what are you raised on? Just like Jesus Christ and oatmeal. I mean, honestly, like, what are you raised on? Just like Jesus Christ and oatmeal? I mean, get a fucking clue, lady. Like, gay people are not going anywhere. I know, but it's some people just, I mean, okay, me, for instance, I have a very diverse background.

Well, really? Are you Cuban? What's the diversity? My upbringing. Okay. And my mom still took issue when I came out. You know, we didn't talk for six months. And she had, you know, she's a mess. Would you classify your mom as a narcissist? Is your mom going to listen to this podcast? I don't know. I don't care.

Because you're not going to be talking afterward. This is all stuff I've said to her, by the way. Right. Well, now I'm saying it to her, which might be double the trouble. Would you classify your mother as a narcissist? Yes. Oh, okay. And she is a master manipulator. Okay. Yeah. When I called the police and asked her to be arrested

because she was drunk driving, I then wrote a letter to the state's attorney asking him to provide it to the judge. And I requested the harshest possible punishment for her. For her to be in a gulag? Literally. Anything that they could do that would force her to reflect on, like, is this really where I want to be right now? And they read that letter to her. And I basically stated all of this stuff. From your son, Brandon. They read it to her? Yeah. In front of people? Whoever was in the courtroom, I would assume. And do you know what her reaction to that letter was? I couldn't tell you, but I know she was not happy. Can you read us the letter? Yeah. I mean, if you want me to find it. Yeah, Read it to us. Okay. Hold on. This is exciting.

I like confronting people, especially in this way. Too bad the police suck so bad because I would say, well, you were in the court actually. So there were probably very few police officers there, but oh God, let's not go down that road. Okay. So this is the, you really want me to read this? I want you to. Okay. This is the letter that you wrote your me to read this? Yes, I want you to. Okay. This is the letter that you wrote your state attorney, your mother's state attorney general.

The state attorney who would be prosecuting her case in the county in which she lives. Okay. Scratch general. This is the letter I wrote. DUI 12-18-2020 was the subject. Hello. I hope this email finds you healthy and happy during the holiday season. I'm reaching out in regards to a recent incident involving my mother. My mother has, unfortunately, had multiple interactions with

the law in recent months due to her substance abuse issues and unresolved mental health matters. Most recently, she was arrested while driving under the influence of alcohol and held for a psychiatric review. I'm emailing in hopes that, with your help, my mother will receive the harshest possible punishment for her crime. This is a plea I make not out of anger or vengeance, but out of concern for her well-being and safety of those around her. My mother is unwell and unstable, and when drinking a hazard, as she habitually drinks and drives, wrecking multiple vehicles after hitting inanimate objects. Oh my god! My mother is a beautiful and articulate woman. She is also highly deceptive and manipulative and until now evaded the law and any punishment. I would like that to change.

As a former South Dakotan, I'm aware of how lenient the law can be for DUI charges. My former stepfather has had many with almost no repercussions. My mother has long operated as a functioning alcoholic, but at this juncture is failing to function as a civilized member of society and needs help getting back on track. I'm asking for your help in getting this woman's life back in order. My mother was a single woman raising four kids and worked countless jobs simultaneously for many years. Her potential success is limitless, but she needs forced course correction. This is not a person or a case to disregard. This is a case that could create positive change should it be handled the right way. Nearly six months sober before her most recent incident, she had been part of multiple AA meetings weekly. These meetings

held her accountable and should be mandatory after any intoxication arrest, in my humble opinion. I've copied my sister here, one of her daughters, to corroborate details and assist in any way. That's good. So see, it's with intention of like positivity. Yeah, right, right, right. And did you ever get a response from that? No. Apparently what I was told when I called is that he couldn't legally respond. Oh, okay. Because he was working the case.

Yeah, he probably wanted to be like, uh-huh. But from my understanding, like this does not happen a lot. And I think that with any of these things, like, you know, how many people we talked to today with mommy issues and so many times people think it's daddy issues, but there's a lot of fucked up shit going on with moms. Well, I would also like to say, yeah, there's some daddy issues too. But as a stepfather, as a recent stepfather, because when I was living in Whistler, I became a stepfather, de facto stepfather. My friend Kelly had those two girls and they called me dad and they would come over and sleep on the weekends at my house. And I love being a stepdad. Like I love taking them to dinner,

taking them shopping, playing games with them. They'd snuggle in my bed. You know, we'd watched movies. Like we, we just had like a total vibe going and I feel like, oh, I've never wanted to be a mom, but I could kill it as a divorcee dad. You know, come in, you just spread the sunshine, spread the love, and then leave on Monday morning, skedaddle before things get too dicey. See, that to me is more, you'd be the perfect ex-husband because the stepdad has to do all, like, the daily bullshit. I'm sorry, it's not stepdad, it's ex-husband.

Yeah, where you just get a... Who has a younger wife and wants to start a family with her. So I can only come once in a while. You're good for Friday through Sunday meals and toys. Friday through Sunday. Yeah. Friday, Friday night through Sunday. Yep. Yep. That's good. Because as soon as they would leave on Sunday or Monday, like I needed a day to myself to recover. So when I just think about people raising children and having to deal during this pandemic and mothers, I just can't even I can't relate because I can't even imagine. In closing today's episode, Brandon, I would like to say that there seems to be a biological thread.

It's almost like a biological mandate, if you will. People are tied to their biological parents and biological children. It's seemingly very hard for people to break the idea that they may not have long-term relationships with their parents. But to your point, so many kids need homes and there are so many other more healthy relationships out there than your parents. If that's not a healthy relationship, find another relationship that is. Like these are not things that you need. Yeah, but's also feels like a structure of society right yeah that has been imposed upon people to the point of believing that you have to have this almost fealty towards

not necessarily brothers and sisters it's not as strong between brothers and sisters as it is between parents and children that seems to be a a very—and while you can understand it, it also—it is limiting to people if you get, you know, a dud for a mom or a dad. Or, you know, my dad was—he could be a bit of a dud, but all in all, you know, it was a cute relationship, and it provided me with a lot of comedy. God bless him. Yeah. May God rest his soul or whatever that saying is. God be with him. Anyway, so that's an interesting takeaway from today's episode is the biological necessity. People are obsessed with biology, whereas, you know, gay people can tell you this any day of the week. You make your own family.

Yeah. So don't be so tied down to the people in your family that suck just take a fucking break that's what I'm doing right now more people should yeah I encourage it especially if it's a break

it's not permanent so who gives a shit okay I think we're in conclusion of part one of the episode Brandon what do you think well there's yeah there's still more that we need to address

so we're gonna have to do a part two okay we're We're going to do a part two. So tune in for part two, please. We'll see you on the other side. I'm Jason Alexander and I'm Peter Tilden. And together our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor.'s in the museum of failure and does your dog truly love you we have the answer go to really know really.com and register to win 500 a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition sign jason bobblehead the really know really podcast follow us on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts