Dear Chelsea - Muting JLo with Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

Nikki Glaser joins Chelsea to talk about moving back in with her parents during the pandemic, disordered eating, and deciding to live without any secrets.  Then: A renter is forced from her beloved home.  A city girl wants to take her long-distance love affair to the next level.  And a pet-sitting sister-in-law struggles to set boundaries with her overdramatic family. Do you have some advice you'd like fromChelsea? Send your question to [e-mail] * Executive Producer Nick Stumpf Produced by Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and

conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, WeezyWTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation.

Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Good afternoon, Catherine, Karen. I almost called you Karen. Oh, my God. Apple Podcasts, or it's really impacting her. Yeah. Maybe we should lay off the Karen and move on to another name then. Yeah. Or just stop acting like that. Exactly. So how's everything going? What's going on in your world? Wow. So I and my husband actually put our first offer in on a house. Oh, congratulations. That's exciting. Yeah, we're shopping and it's all very new and sort of confusing. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah, that's fun. Super stoked. We found a cute place in Altadena, which feels very far away. But that's where I sell my breast milk in Altadena, which feels very far away, but thankfully it's not. That's where I sell my breast milk, in Altadena. Excellent. Yeah, vaccinated in horny breast milk. You can find it there.

That's exciting, Karen. Yeah. Karen, congratulations. Well, thank you. I hope you get the house. Thank you. But you're still doing renovations on the house you got last year, right? Oh, yes.

And they came in with what began as one estimate has ballooned into a completely different number. So my business managers sent me an email last week that sounded like I was four years old. They're like, Chelsea, in all caps, how can you possibly think this is an acceptable budget? I was just like, fuck off. I'm like, God, they're just such alarmists. Everything is so... Meanwhile, you can never trust anything with budgets and contractors. I don't know what I'm doing. I mean, I've lost all, like, I used to be so excited about projects. Now I'm just like, whatever.

Joe's renovating his house. I'm renovating my house. So we've been in a rental for almost a year. Wow. Together, which is nice. It's like a little nice landing spot, but it's in Beverly Hills. And I told you about all the plastic surgery faces I see walking around that I don't like that. That looks like my future. And I'm not down with, you know what I mean?

Well, you still look like yourself. Thankfully, you don't look like plastic surgery. Well, thank you, because I haven't had plastic surgery. So I hope I fucking don't look like that. They all start to look alike when you get too much. I know. Because as soon as you start aging, you're like, oh, fucking don't look like that they all start to look a lot I know I know because as soon as you start aging you're like oh what would this look like if you pull your fucking you know cheek back like oh I like this but yeah I don't want to have to get a facelift but who knows I probably will get one I don't know Joe won't be down with that but you know he doesn't really have any say in the matter anyway. That's right. I have shows coming up this weekend. I am in Pittsburgh on June 2nd, June 3rd.

I am in D.C. I have two shows in D.C. There are tickets available for the second show. And then I am in Philadelphia on June 4th. And then I'm back in Huntington, Long Island for my third show there on Saturday night. Or is that a Sunday night? I don't know. It's this weekend, though. Pittsburgh, Philly, D.C. and Huntington. Amazing. And my boyfriend is going to be with me. Oh, yeah, because he's directing my special. So he's going to be there

and I'm going to drag him on stage. Excellent. I'm also going to pull up... My horoscope? Yes. What sign are you, Catherine? I'm a Pisces. I'm a Pisces. We're both Pisces. Wow, I didn't know that. Fantastic. When's your birthday?

March 15th. Oh my God, that's my sister Simone's birthday. What? The eyes of March? Yeah, Pisces are the most... That birthday is probably the most... My sister's the most diplomatic, easy person to get along with. Yeah?

Yeah, she's pretty much my coolest friend is Simone. Aww, I love that. She's the one you talk about retiring to Vermont with, right? And becoming lesbians. Right, right. She's the sister that I'm thinking romantically about, futuristically. Well, not really because I have Joe now, so I can't even. Yeah, I don't think we're going to thruple up. Although I think both my sisters would be open to it if I could be quite frank, which I believe I can be.

They can live in the mother-in-law suite in the back somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. But I told her to pack up her Birkenstocks because we're heading to Maine. Excellent. We're going to buy a farm and who knows what's going to happen from there on out. Going to get really into gardening. I know.

I'm excited about our guest today. Me too. Because she's sweet and she's a comedian. She hosts that HBO show, which is called FBoy Island, right? HBO Max. And she is the star of her own reality show, which is now on E!, which is called Welcome Home, Nikki Glaser. We have Nikki Glaser on the show today.

Let's talk to her. Hi, Nikki. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi, COVID. I don't have COVID. I just took a test. I thought I had it. And I sometimes you just want COVID to just like change your life. I was just coming to LA for a bunch of press. And I think this was the only thing I was looking forward to, to be honest with you. And I'm so glad it could be done remotely.

But I think I just was like, yes, I have COVID. I got to go home. But I know, I know what you mean. So do you think you had it? I tested positive back in August for like the Delta kind. So I definitely am capable of getting it. But I in so my co-host on my podcast and my guy who opens for me on the road he's positive right now and he caught it from Natasha but he's been positive for months Natasha is a cesspool too shout out to Natasha I just read her book that she has coming out it's called the. The world deserves my children. It is. The fucking funniest parenting book. I've ever read. So anyone listening.

Please go to Natasha Leggero. I didn't know she wrote a book. Oh yeah. It's so good. And it's so funny. And Moshe. Her husband. Is.

So useless. So for anyone who's a parent. Pre-order this book. And even if you're not a parent. And you want to instill. And like cement. The idea. That you've made the right decision, this book will also cement that for you. That's good. Natasha, while she was possibly transmitting COVID to me in this little green room backstage, convinced me to freeze my eggs. I was so adamant that I don't need to do that. I

just know what I want. And after talking to her for like four minutes, she infected me with probably having a baby at some point. I was like, don't do this to me. I don't want to have to do this whole thing. Are you going to go freeze? Are you interested in having children, Nikki? No, no, Chelsea, I'm not. I feel really good about not doing it, but I'm just fearing that I will at some point.

How old are you? I'm about to be 38 in a month, so it's the time to freeze them. It's probably a little too late. Yeah, I think she was 38 when she froze hers. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.

Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir.

Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really.

Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm so excited to talk to you today at all, really, because your most recent book meant a lot to me. And it makes me excited to confront things that I'm kind of avoiding. And so I actually did a lot during COVID, but I'm still running from something.

You did a lot of therapy during COVID? I mean, I've always done a lot of therapy, but during COVID, it got bad. I got constant suicidal thoughts. I mean, I was living with my parents. I got constant suicidal thoughts. I mean, I was living with my parents. I was in between apartments in New York. I was upgrading my life. I got rid of all my furniture, got an apartment that is three times as much as I ever even considered paying for rent. I was like, it had an elevator opening onto it. I was like, I deserve this. I'm having a good year. And my lease started March 1st, 2020. And I was in LA

until the 15th. And then I just never went back. I just went to my parents' house to just wait it out. And then I stayed there, paid for this apartment for fucking 11 months until I found a sub letter on the last month. And then I just stayed in St. Louis. I moved out of my parents' house, but I knew that when things shut down, I was not going to be okay on my own. I lived alone, but I didn't really, I just would always go home after doing sets all night long and being out all day doing podcasts and running around. And I would just go to sleep. I didn't like, I never sat alone with myself. I couldn't like be alone with a book. It was just only going home to sleep. And so the idea of living alone and not having anywhere to go, I was so scared. So I just went to my parents and then, well, I wasn't good after a little bit.

I think it just, I was just so depressed during, I mean, who wasn't? And I just was, I've always struggled with like suicidal ideations, but they just, there was nowhere, there was nothing to make them stop during that time. And so things were going well. Like I was still like co-hosting Jimmy Kimmel and doing Zoom appearances. People still remembered me. It wasn't like I was, I think initially I thought I was scared of being forgotten or something, but it just didn't matter. That's the other thing. It's like my parents being like, but you're killing it. Things are great. Why do you want to die? And I was just like, I just, I just do. And so I think that forced me to,

to get help. I got in just like, I just, I just do. And so I think that forced me to, to get help. I got in recovery from my eating disorder, which became loud and clear during COVID because there was nothing else. That one I had been bearing forever. And so that was, I think what got me to a place I am now where I am brutally honest, even though I was before, you know, like as a comedian, you're just like, I just say everything and I share everything, but I wasn't really being honest. And now I think looking at how terrible my food situation was and my relationship with it, it like really, it forced me to like get help. And that was the one that was always like, I quit drinking. I quit smoking weed. I would quit everything else. But that was like, I don't want to give up binging and starving and all that. And then I finally want to give up binging and starving and all that

and then I finally had to give that up and that's where it gets all the all the feelings come in and then there's no stand-up that's another drug like just going on stage and getting it just these little like dopamine hits doing podcasts do it like I just filled my life with podcasts that's why I started doing a fucking four times a day I was just like, I can't just do nothing. What do people do? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, I feel like you're not alone.

A lot of comedians are out there projecting onto the world their honesty when they are hiding things underneath that. Like that, you know, I can relate to that for sure personally. The thing is everyone has their shit. It's not like you're the only one struggling with something, you know? So it feels very lonely when you're experiencing an addiction, but it's so common. Yeah. I think I have to talk about like the reality of what my eating disorder looked like because I would say, you know, oh, I would binge, but like, what does that really look? What does that mean? I'm also like a thinner woman so people go okay sure I'm sure you

bit what is and I would say oh I wake up in the morning and there's like seven protein bar wrappers because I've starved all day and I eat throughout the night they were really like 17 like that's the kind of honesty I'm talking about where it's like you you say something shocking and honest but what's the reality is it was thousands and thousands of calories that I was putting in and then I'm the same way of like I can kind of cold turkey something and put these like really hard limits on myself and stick to them. But to me, something else just pops for me, something else pops up to fill that. So with bulimia, when I was throwing up, I just kept getting a mouth acne that just would no matter how much I scrub my face afterwards, brush my teeth. I just couldn't. And I could it was a

vanity thing where I go, OK, well, I can't throw up anymore because this is fucking giving me gigantic volcano like volcano acne around my mouth so then I go okay I'll run six miles every day no matter what and then I fucking sprain my leg and then I'm like okay well then I'll just starve all day and call it intermittent fasting and then suddenly it's something that I can I can get away with being anorexic now and just call it intermittent fasting. And then suddenly it's something that I can get away with being anorexic now and just call it intermittent fasting. Like this is awesome. So I just kept finding ways.

And I think when COVID hit, I just, I really had this moment where I woke up in bed and there were all these protein bar wrappers because that's all I was living on was these protein bars and just starving all day and just trying to figure out what to do all day so I didn't eat. And that's why I would fill up my life with stuff.

And then I realized. Oh my god. This is why I'm living with my parents. This is why I don't have a boyfriend. This is why I can't let anyone near me. It's because I have wrappers in my bed. I'm not being honest. I can't let someone go grab my purse.

And get something for me. Ever. Because I have so many gum wrappers in there. Because I was also addicted to gum chewing. Like I was like a cigarette smoker. I was like, I'm at four packs a day. Like I've tried it. That was a small day and I was just bloated

and sick from it and wasting all this money on gum. Like having to have Amazon ship me gum on the road just because this place wouldn't have my, I mean, it was just sick, but it was so manageable because no one says anything and I could sneak gum and pop pieces without people even noticing that I was doing it. I would clean up the wrappers in the morning,

but it was still like this part of my life that if someone opened that door and looked in, would go, what the fuck? And I think my reality show now is a response to having nothing to hide. Like you can go in my purse now, you can go in my closet. It's a mess, but there's not food wrappers.

It's not, you're not going to find throw up stains in my toilet. There might be like shit stains, but that's like an appropriate thing to be in the toilet. You know, like I still have shameful things, but it's not the things that I'm deeply ashamed of and hiding. There's nothing I'm hiding anymore.

So I think I always wanted to do a reality show, but I was like, I can't because I'm not, it would be too hard to hide everything. And what if they found out this one thing? And behind my back, the producers started a storyline and it came out because you don't really have as much control as you think you have. But at this point, I was like, oh, well, they could find anything. And I'm just like, yeah, all right.

Well, I do that. That's fine. Yeah, that's a good way to keep yourself honest. Yeah, I just feel like if the world watches my reality show and is like, I just always That's fine. Yeah. That's a good way to keep yourself honest. Yeah. I just feel like if the world watches my reality show and is like, I just always have this feeling my whole life of being disgusting. I can't keep a clean room. I stain everything. My mom always saying, this is why you can't have nice things.

I just am like a dirty person. Always feel like inside stained. And now I just am like, yeah, I just have ADHD. Like that's kind of how that's what it is. And I'm not a bad person because I'm a disaster in terms of organization. Like I need help. Whereas I really felt like a bad person with all this eating stuff, which I still have shame about, but at least I figured it out and it's not there anymore. And I feel like with the reality show, it's my final like, get it. I didn't buy new makeup.

I didn't do my makeup. I didn't buy new clothes. I didn't straighten my house up before the cameras came. I really made an effort to be like, this is, I really want to be okay with myself. And I wanted to kind of teach my mom, stop trying to be something for people. My mom's on the show and it was a lesson for her to like,

people are going to see a side of you, literally that you might think you look heavy or something like, let's see what happens. See what happens. Like I would go the housewives, you love all these women and they're deplorable. They're bad people, but you, you love them. So people are going to love you and you're not deplorable. I think doing the show is a test of like, just self acceptance a little bit. I like that. That's a good flip for a reality show. Or I mean, a good way to talk about a reality show because so many reality shows are not what you see. Like it's not it's so ridiculous, you know, like these scenes that they set up. And obviously, you have to set up scenes, but you want them to take their natural path. And I typically do not watch reality television because of that.

It's like I'd rather watch good actors act instead of regular people act. But I like what everything you're saying, Nikki. And I feel for you. I hope you reach out to me. I'm good. Reach out to me any time you ever need to talk to someone. Seriously, always reach out to me. I mean it.

I feel that from you. Honestly, we don't know each other that well, but you're just someone who's so nonjudgmental. And I mean, that's what I find in my female comic friends. It's like, we just, we're so honest and thank God for other female comics. You can just get so honest so fast and we are all there for each other.

So I appreciate that. I really am doing well though I I talk very honestly about the things I worry about but I feel like overall I'm feeling pretty confident and happy and living in St. Louis and like saying okay I'm not gonna live in LA or New York which was an obsession of mine because I just didn't want anyone else to get better at comedy than me because it's all about competition like I was also out every night because you know as a comedian you're as good as as many times like it's like working out you got to do it all the time and if you're not doing it and you see someone else on a lineup you're like she's getting better than me

and it's always a she because I'm a fucking human who feels competition where, and there isn't room for all of us. So like, I hate this idea of like, don't be jealous of other women, lift them up. I believe in lifting other women up, but it's okay to feel jealous of other women. There really isn't room for all of us. They kind of only have one quirky best friend in comedy movies.

Like there's not two. Like you might get, you might not get a role because another woman exists. Like I have to embrace that sometimes I get jealous and that it's okay for people to be better than me and work harder than me and that I deserve a goddamn break. Yeah, and I also think that there is room for everybody. It's just not what you have in your mind.

You have this idea like, yeah, there's a quirky best friend role. There's one in each movie, but how many movies have a quirky best friend role. There's one in each movie. But how many movies have a quirky best friend role? Several. Good point. Listen, the jealousy thing is a natural human instinct. That happens whatever you're doing.

You know, it's very I have yet to meet somebody that's not jealous or doesn't have jealousy or look at someone else and be competitive and be like, wait, why are they getting that? Why am I not getting that? It's a matter of how you react to that jealousy. You know, it's a matter of how you respond to that feeling, because that is a human feeling and it's totally normal and typical. But anytime I don't get something and I go, oh, I would have liked that or something. I just go, look at everything you have, like, look at what you have. How could you ever, ever be like, I want that. Like, if anything, I should take a step back and say, okay, I'm not going to take anything,

any of these opportunities for however many years and just be generous and munificent. I love that. You know, I mean, I'm not going to do that, but you know what I'm saying. Yes. Well, Louise Hay, I don't know if you know, have ever heard of this woman, but I found her like through YouTube and looking up like how to feel better and gratitude. She has this great quote about whatever your God is, the universe, if you're not grateful for what you have, they're not going to give you any more gifts.

Like I would never give a gift to someone who every time I gave them something, they were like, I don't even like it. It's not even like what I wanted and it's not enough. And so that hearing that I was like, okay, my concept of God or the universe, like I need to just force myself to just be. So I try to do the thing where you like close the night with like, what went well today and, and wake up in the morning and go, what I'm grateful for my hands. I'm like the, just the bare minimum, you know, of, of gratitude, but it's, and it's okay to, like you said, jealousy does creep up and I just I just mute

JLo like I don't need to see JLo on my feed you know what I see a lot of JLo on my feet I wonder if that's everybody is JLo just is JLo the most preeminent person of our lifetime or what because I I have no problem gazing oh actually I watched J-Lo movie this weekend when I was in whatever city I was in. Wait, the documentary? No, not that yet. But I'm looking forward to that. Oh, I watched Marry Me. I paid like $20 for it in my hotel room. Because I was like, okay, I was in a city that I wasn't interested in perusing. And so I was like, what am I going to watch? And I looked at all the movies. And I tried one period piece, and it was a little too Disney-ish for me. So I going to watch? And I looked at all the movies and I tried one period piece and it was a little too Disney-ish for me. So I had to forego that.

And then I watched the J-Lo movie. And, you know, it's so easy to watch her. Her face, her ass, her legs. You're just like, what the fuck is going on with your jeans? You know, like what kind of jean pool? I know she doesn't drink because I've been around her. She does not drink. So that's one thing.

But she's also Latino. So that's a whole Latino. Well, she might be Latino, too. She's Latina. And her fucking skin is a different world. I also know she's up to some tricks, you know, that she doesn't admit. So I know that, obviously. She's fucking 50-something.

It doesn't all make sense. And has not a wrinkle or any. You know how, like, your like your skin changes well you're probably too young Nikki but like around 40 you start to go like is my skin thinning like it's crepey on my body like I have to lubricate when I wake up when I go to bed now I have to lubricate Joe Coy's feet because he's always in my bed oh my god he goes he goes don't look at my feet don't look at my feet I go honey they're cute little Filipino footbeds. What are you talking about?

I go, I can look at your feet any day. I go, what are you talking about? He's like, don't, don't. They're so ugly.

I go, your feet. I've had to do this with him. I'm like, your feet are beautiful. There is nothing wrong with your feet. And he's like,

really? You think so? When we first got together, you guys, we'd have sex. I love that he has insecurity. Someone's tortured him about his feet in his past. That was an early thing.

He steps on them when he's getting in the shower like an orangutan. He tucks his toes under his feet. I go, what are you doing? That's so bad for you. How can you even stand? And he's like, oh, I just fucking hate my feet. I go, so you walk around with them tucked underneath you like a monkey? He's trying to hide them. I know something it's so funny that shame that we have

about those like I'm guessing someone said something about his feet because that's such a weird thing to be so obsessive about other people that's and it's so sweet that I love the reaction where he goes wait you do you like them like that's such a sweet little boy you sometimes see your boyfriend or like you know even, even just your friends, just if you shrunk them, like the way they move or the way you go, that is a four year old. It's so sweet. I'm obsessed with you and Joe Coy. Can I, I know you've just talked about it ad nauseum, but I'm obsessed.

Thank you. I mean, I guess I am so come on girl. Like I am so happy for you. It's, you know, people love to talk about Chelsea and Joe Coy, the comedians being like, it's a it's just a I mean, people are saying, I'll tell you what we're talking about. I've always been on your team and thought it was real. But people are like, no, it's just a thing to get people to buy tickets to their show. And I'm just like, no, it's not. Do you not read humans at all?

As if I would participate in that. Like as if I would be that fucking fake. I mean, they clearly don't know anything about you. You've never, you know, it's just people love to just be cynical. It's like the same people that thought that the Will Smith slap was fake. I'm just like, have you do know how to read?

Both the reactions afterwards when those people, they're not that good of actors. Like, it's just, it makes me question people when they're like, Oh, Chelsea and Joko are fake. I'm like,

well then you have a bad read on people. First of all, this is old Hollywood where people are set up to like for promotional purposes. Yeah. Like that. You would have to have two people agree to a fake narrative. Like two people, Joe, who is not fake, and me, who is also like, I can't lie or even pretend. I can vouch.

There is a decent amount of snuggling when he's here in the studio. Thank you, Catherine. You guys are so in love. It's kind of like we're waiting for that period to go away. Like you guys are like Courtney and Travis. Oh God. There's a little bit of that, but it's for me.

I love that shit. I love that unsustainable obsession. Cutesy bootsy stuff. I need to know, and I'm sure you've covered this. What was the moment it shifted? And I know I've, I've read extensively to try to find this answer.

When did it become, who said it first? Like who addressed it first? Like this is romantic. I did. I was answer. When did it become? Who said it first? Like who addressed it first? Like this is romantic. I did. I was like, what did you say? We were in Vegas. I was at the barrage. He came to see me perform and I was doing my first new hour of this tour, Vaccinated and Horny. So I had him put it up. I just run it at the Brea Improv, like eight shows. And so it was my first bigger venue. And I was nervous. I was like, fuck, okay, I got to remember all this. I had like eight pages of notes. Like I was really just getting it on its feet. And he was just so sweet. And so he showed up in Vegas. And we had been

hanging out a lot for months, right? But we weren't nothing ever happened. Like Joe was didn't feel anything before. No, like I assumed he had a crush on me. But if I would just deal with that when it became unmanageable. Like. You've been through that before with your guy friends. I was like, if he tries to fuck me, I won't hang out with him again. Yes. You're waiting for that other shoe to drop. Okay. So you clocked that he had a crush on you. You though, in your quietest moments, were you finding yourself daydreaming about him or was it truly just this moment where it was like nothing and then everything for you? Yeah, I mean, it was a build. It was a build. But I was definitely not open to him. I was not attracted to him. My girlfriends would all be like, when are you gonna admit you're fucking Joe Coy? I'm like, I'm not. I'm not fucking

Joe Coy. I would be the first to tell you if that were going on. And then so in Vegas, I remember he walked into the room. My sister was there. I had a group of friends there. He walked into the room and I just remember seeing him and looking at him like, wait a second. I want to fuck Joe Coy. I think I want to fuck him. And then it became an emergency because I had to see if his penis was the right size for my Pikachu. Oh, my God. And I wasn't going to move forward until I had all the information.

Had you already seen him naked? I feel like you with your Chelsea Lately parties, things get wild. Like, wasn't there already some kind of... No, no. If he had ever gotten naked at one of my parties, I would have never fucked him. But anyway, I love... You guys were, like, so close. Did you talk about, like, your sex life?

Like, were you hearing about his dating stuff? Like, was there... Never. You guys did not talk about that stuff. He wouldn't talk about any women in front of me. Joe has, like... Oh, because he liked you. He just... Yeah, because he liked you.

Yeah, he always liked me, but he was never going to jeopardize our relationship. He was never going to make a move on me because he knew that I would go, gross, get away from me, don't talk to me again. So he knew that it had to be my idea, which was right. And I finally just said to him, I was like, do you have a crush on me? And he was like, oh God, Chelsea,

why do you have to ruin everything? Was it before the show? After, no, no late night like two in the morning you see him in this light he walks in you're like horny for him and so you said it in that moment or did you just go oh fuck did you like go back to your notes and you're like I can't even like focus right now because I'm like what what is this feeling I'm feeling and then when did you finally say do you have a crush on me when was that late night like 2 30 in the morning no I was able to focus we did the show show was great we all went out gambling had a great night and then we were just getting more like snuggly like touchy-feely you know I was like letting him know like game on and then we got back to the room in Vegas and I said do you

have a crush on me and he was like well what do you mean and I was like Joe either you have a crush on me or don't like just just were you touching when this happened? Like, were you like hugging when he, so where, where's this come? I need all the details. I wish I could give them to you,

but we have to take fucking callers, Nikki. I mean, this is an advice podcast. I know, I know, but I'm, I need advice about,

okay. Yes. We'll, we'll get to it. I'll come on your podcast and talk about Joe and all the details. I'm going to, I'm writing my new book. It's called The Filipino In Me, A Love Story.

But I will give you all the details, of course. I would never lie or keep them all to myself. I would never be so selfish. But okay, so this is how to advice. People call, we really need to help them, okay? You have your advice thinking cap on? Yeah, I'm so good at this. Amazing. I'm so glad. The first question is how do you get out of something by pretending you have COVID? And we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast,

our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like... Why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts?

His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all.

Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Oh, Yeah, really. No, really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really? No, Really? And you can find it on the iHeartRadio app on Apple Podcasts or wherever And we're back! Yeah! Yay! We're back!

Thank God. Oh my God. Thanks, God. We're back with Nikki Glaser and my wonderful co-host, Catherine. Hi! And we are going to start taking questions and callers. Indeed. Our first question comes from Haley. This all leans very FBoy-centric today, so we're keeping it on theme, on brand from Haley. This all leans very F-boy centric today. So we're keeping it on theme, on brand. Haley says, Dear Chelsea, I've been in a new relationship for six months and it's going great.

He shows me he cares in thoughtful ways every day and really challenges me in all the ways I want to be challenged by a partner. Shortly after we started dating, he had to go to California for a month. We talked on the phone for hours every day and really got to know each other. While he was away, we would send each other what I like to call, quote, self-portraits, which I knew he was saving to his hidden photos folder. About a month ago, I asked him about the self-portraits and if I could look through them. I'm not sure what prompted me to ask. I think it was mostly out of vanity, but also I liked the idea of him having them in a private folder for himself.

He quickly told me I couldn't, and I asked if I was the only girlfriend in that folder. He immediately got defensive and tried to tell me that asking him to do anything about the contents of the folder would be an invasion of his privacy. His response took me by surprise, since I haven't made any specific requests in that regard. I haven't cared for a boyfriend this deeply before, but I'm put off by how sketchy he's acting about this folder. I don't expect him to, quote, erase his past, his words, not mine, but knowing that he had those photos of me made me feel special. Now I feel like I'm an option, even though his actions tell me I'm not. His reaction that day felt very contradictory to the man that I'm with,

and I don't know what to do. Haley. I'm sorry. So he moved to California. Did I miss something? He's back. Like, yeah, they just spent like a month apart. But that was when she was like sending him these, let's say, nudie photos.

And how long have they been together? Six months. Yeah, six months. Somebody's a better listener than the host. I'm really trying. Yeah, that's a big red flag, first of all, because those are pictures of you in there. So are you not allowed to see the pictures of you, regardless of what other photos he has? Like, that's a big red flag. Well, so I think he, because she said his own words were erase my past, he must have

definitely given some indication that there were other girls in that folder and he didn't want her to see those other girls. Is that? Like exes. That's what I had assumed. And now upon like, I've read this so many times, but somehow reading it out loud, I'm like, maybe there are other current girls in that folder. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. Current girls. Or first of all, if there were ex-girlfriends, it's completely reasonable and the right thing to do to go,

oh, I'm going to delete these now that I'm in a relationship with you. Like that would be disrespectful to be jerking off in your spare time to your ex-girlfriends. Like the folder should just be of you if you're dating him. And it's totally normal and fine for you to ask to see that. Like there's nothing wrong with that. And the fact that he said no, yeah, that's a big red flag. Like I wouldn't trust this guy at all.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. It means there's current stuff because if she's cool with like, okay, I understand you have your exes. He could go, okay, I'll delete them right now. This is a good moment to do that. Done. But the fact that he got weird about it it either he wants to hold on to those which shouldn't be that important

to him or something else is going on if this sucks I hate this kind of moment where everything's great except this one thing I wouldn't mind a guy keeping ex photos I kind of get horned up for him I like to like see them but you like to see his exes. Yeah, she would. She would. His exes or your own exes? His exes. Like I like seeing like old,

like the hot ladies he's had in his past. It really like horns me up. But it's basically what she wants. And if he's not willing to give her that, that sucks. Yeah. It's not a good sign.

It's a big red flag. Why don't you, what's her name? Haley. Haley. I think you should really like give him an ultimatum about seeing that when you're in person with him so that he can either shut up or put up. And if he's not willing to show those to you, then like he's hiding something from you. And that's the only reason that he wouldn't show them to you. So, you know, however you feel about definitely move on I feel like he's gonna pit her to be like oh you're the girlfriend that just wants to go through my phone and you're like no I just wanted to see a hot picture of myself and then it turned to this whole thing right I am only asking and this is only important to me because you're being so weird about it I don't care about anything else I trust you

but this reaction is leading me to not trust you and I can't get over it until until you make this right. And if you can't, bye. Yeah. If you don't trust my reaction, you should trust the fact that if there's nothing unreasonable in here, I won't be upset. Yes. Too bad there's not dates on photos, right? In that folder. Would there be dates? No, there wouldn't be though. Or would that? No, you can see it in the metadata. Like if you yeah well there you go yeah you should steal his phone if he doesn't give it to you and fucking look through it and then you'll get your answers yes face id can work wonders when someone is sleeping i have a no problem with people going through each other's phones i think that's fine neither no there's nothing to hide i think you shouldn't have

anything to hide it's kind of but it's kind of like the nsa thing of like i'm always like who cares if they're listening in my conversation i've got nothing to hide and I think you shouldn't have anything to hide. It's kind of, but it's kind of like the NSA thing of like, I'm always like, who cares if they're listening at my conversation? I've got nothing to hide. And people are like, well, cause they can like make up stuff to incriminate you. They can use your stuff that you're innocent with. So it's a matter of, sometimes I get worried that the person might invent something of all the data they're collecting on me and get insane about it. But yeah, I generally, whenever I'm trying to hide my phone from someone, I'm like, I've got something to hide. It's never because it's like, it's just for me. It's because I don't want them to know a part about myself

that I'm trying to keep from them. Yeah, I think that's a good point. I was just actually talking about guys who don't put their girlfriends on their Instagram or their wives. Yes. And they do it as like, I'm just honoring her privacy. No. Like they're comedians that work their wives and they do it as like I'm just honoring like her privacy like they're comedians that work the road and they go I just like my wife just she's a

private person it's like no you want to present as a man that doesn't have a wife yeah you're on the road when girls look you up and they go see you at clubs it's like this whole thing of like I'm just being a good guy like I just you know it's like it's such bullshit one of my best friends has a girlfriend. He and his wife got a divorce. He's been dating this girl for like probably two years. They live together. He has never posted a photo of her on his Instagram

except to close friends, which means like not everybody. I'm just like, you're hiding her. I do understand. There's this whole storyline in the show, The Ultimatum, that I'm watching right now of like, yes, when you're an influencer and you post a picture, especially when you're a girl and you rely on male followers, if you post a picture of your boyfriend, you lose followers because men are just like, I guess I can't have her now. It was ever an option for

them to get you. So I understand it's a branding thing. Even when I post something saying I have a boyfriend, I feel like less likes just like people are just like not into it. Whereas guys, when they're like, look at my hot girlfriend, everyone fucking love. They get so much more. I definitely get I still get disgusting DMs when I post about Joe and me. I will still get DMs saying I want to put my cock in your asshole. i can't wait to fuck you so it's not good i mean i'm having never go away i have quite the opposite experience because people love people seem to love our love story well the people who believe it anyway um and and and men it hasn't stopped men from telling me that they're gonna fuck me so i think men like to tell women like me that they're gonna fuck me because they know they're never going to fuck a woman like me.

So they like to write that down anonymously because obviously. Okay. What do we have next, Catherine? So our next is a caller. This is Brooke. Is this a picture of Vladimir Putin? This is actually Boris Karloff.

We're looking at Catherine's sweatshirt as Dracula. This is actually done by a friend of mine, Jonah Nimoy. He does all this cool art. Jonah Nimoy. It actually does look like Vladimir. I guess Dracula and Vladimir Putin have a similar look on their face. So that works out perfectly.

Well, Brooke is on the phone with us today. We have callers who call in. So she says, Dear Chelsea, my wife and I have been together for about 10 years and married for five. Her sister, Megan, is married with two kids and one dog. Megan and her family have poor hygiene. They appear to have no awareness of the issue, and the rest of my wife's family has never brought it to their attention. Their dog is about 11 years old, and quite frankly, his physical needs are neglected. He's never bathed, his fur is matted, and he seems to have an underlying skin condition. He smells, his nails are long, he has anxiety,

and he barks incessantly. Despite all this, my wife and I have watched the dog numerous times in the past. When he comes to our house, we bathe him immediately. It's a chore because he's not used to it and it seems to be quite painful for him to be touched in certain areas. I know. We do our best to groom him, but it has become impossible due to the severity of the matted fur. He needs professional intervention. I watched him for five days by myself last year, and after that, I set a boundary that I would not do it again. It was hard to look at him. As someone who suffered emotional and physical neglect as a child, it is particularly triggering to see him and to feel powerless to intervene without creating family drama.

My wife has asked me repeatedly to not say anything to her sister about the dog, and until recently, I've reluctantly agreed. Last week, Megan asked my wife if I could watch the dog again. They do not want to hire someone. I stuck to my guns and said no. My wife made some excuses instead of communicating the underlying concerns, and this kind of indirect communication is the norm in her family. Instead of accepting no as an answer, Megan proceeded to ask more specific questions about the excuses my wife had made and proceeded to guilt trip me via my wife, saying things like family helps family. I got upset and I decided with my wife's approval to text her directly. I provided a list of three reasons why I did not want to watch her dog.

I told her that I wanted to speak honestly and directly, even if it would upset her. The reasons were one, the dog is not bathed. Two, its nails are very long and I just spent a lot of money refinishing my hundred-year-old hardwood floors. And three, he barks incessantly, which makes it difficult for me to work. Megan freaked out. She called my wife and her entire family, sobbing profusely, misstating my words. I did not say anything that was not true about the dog, nor anything that her other family members are not saying behind her back. My wife and the rest of her family are distancing themselves from me and my comments in an effort

to soothe Megan. My wife thinks I went too far. Megan's telling her family that she no longer wants to see me or my wife ever again. My in-laws feel I owe Megan an apology. I disagree and stand by my words. I wish everyone could speak directly, but it's not the way they operate. What should I do moving forward? Brooke. And she's here with us today. Hi, Brooke. Oh, hi. It's so funny. I was listening to this email. By the way, this is Nikki Glazer. Hi, Brooke.

Our special guest. Hi. And Catherine, you've spoken to our producer. Yeah. I was listening to this letter and you kept referring to your wife, Megan, wife, Brooke. Our special guest. Hi. And Catherine, you've spoken to our producer. Yeah. I was listening to this letter and you kept referring to your wife, Megan, wife, Megan. And I'm like, there is no way a straight man is calling into this podcast. This has got to be a woman. I was like, that would be like so ridiculous.

Yes. Megan, although I think is actually the sister-in-law, correct? Correct. So thank you for your time. What's the update? What's the what's going on right now with this? no communication? You're being kind of ostracized? A little bit. Yeah. So I realized when I was rereading that, that I was pretty I think I was pretty angry when I wrote it. And now I think I'm just exhausted. Right. So so that's that's the update for me is just I'm ready to move on from this issue. And I think I was pretty upset. And now I just, you know, nobody's a bad person, but I just want to figure out how to move forward from

this event in a way that is, I don't know how to repair it. So yeah, what's happening now, I think is that no one from my wife's family has had direct communication with me, with the exception of her mother, who sent me a short text saying, we hope that you come to Passover, the Seder, which was Friday. She hadn't had any communication with me in the couple of weeks leading up to that. My wife's sister had agreed to go to the Seder, knowing that I may be there, but I did decline to go because I felt like it would be really tense. And if the purpose of attending would be to celebrate or, you know, be with other people, I didn't feel like that purpose would be achieved by my presence. So I didn't go.

And that's pretty much where we're at. What a bummer. Such a bummer. I mean, talking to you for this short period of time, like you can tell that you're a pretty rational, regular, you're not like a hot tempered kind of person. Not generally, no. I'm pretty to the point and I try to be relatively even keeled. So I think it was really just the directness of the communication that she wasn't accustomed to. Right. Well, you said yourself that they grew up in a family with indirect communication.

So, of course, what happens when that happens, when you're direct with somebody who has that historical framework, then they immediately are a victim and they're crying and the whole family has to come and gather around them because they've never been told the truth before. Yeah. Yes. That's exactly it. Well, it's almost like you,

you look at these kinds of family dynamics and they're incapable of telling the truth. It's not even like they know the truth and they're denying it. It's they cannot, and they cannot take any accountability. There's zero accountability that this family can take. What I'm wondering, what was the sister's response to the dog is dirty. It barks incessantly. It has skin issues, all of these things. Was there any like, no, it's not like, what was that response? Yeah. And part of the reason I think why my correspondence to her was a little bit snarky, admittedly in parts was I wanted her to ask herself that question of when was the last time that I, that I gave my dog a bath because truthfully, I have bathed it much more often than she has.

So yeah, that issue seems to be completely glossed over, right? I've been told and my wife has been told that we're not to discuss the dog anymore and that we're not really invited to be around it. I guess they don't want us to see whether or not they've made any improvements. Were they paying you to watch this dog? Were you getting any? No. You're just expected to watch their barky, like kind of neglected dog. It's just, well, to be fair in families,

you're not really paying your sister or your sister-in-law. You're just like, hey. But when they don't want to, because you're not paying them, you go, okay, then you don't have to. Like that's the thing when you're not paying family and they're like, I'd rather not.

You just drop it. You don't go, why? Yeah. But that's the way I go. Okay. Why is this woman just expect you to do this with her? And she knows her dog barks incessantly. It shows a lot of denial and just, yeah,

I feel like this is a no, no, this is me projecting, but an alcoholic family. I was never asking for payment. It's really just a, I would like for it to be clean before it gets here and it's been pretty egregious in the past and I think really the last straw for me was during the pandemic we hadn't been watching it because nobody was going anywhere and I hadn't bathed it

and my wife hadn't bathed it in over a year. And I think he didn't get a bath. Right. And then it just became like really essentially too far gone. And, you know, I looked into, I called a bunch of different groomers. Nobody would accept him if I didn't have proof of vaccination. And also he's like a little bit aggressive when you try to bathe him. And I didn't really want to bring on that liability onto myself. So I just want to bow out and not make excuses moving forward. And I think I've accomplished that goal, but now I've created another problem. Well, so what's your wife's status on this right now? How does she, where does she sit with everything? She sits where she wants everybody

to get along, like so desperately that she care what needs to be said. I think the easy way would be for me to issue an apology, which I think she knows is not likely to happen. No, I really don't think you should do that. I mean, I really don't. Because that is like reneging. Like you're the first person who told the truth. You could make an addendum to your original conversation point of the text. Like you can, I don't know, this might be too aggressive, but to send it to everybody so that everybody is copied on it. Like so that there's always made the round. Yeah. But I mean, I think not to take the responsibility on, but for

you to just say as a follow-up email to the entire family, this is one option. I'm not saying it's the right option, but I think it's good to like lay out your case of what you said and how that made you feel, how it made you feel because of your circumstances and your history and your neglect in your childhood, that it triggered in you what you felt like as a child when you weren't what you mean, but you're taking responsibility for it. So it's not putting it on them. You're like, these are all the things that really upset me because of stuff that I went through during my childhood. And I can't be around it. It's too upsetting. It's too upsetting to see anything being neglected. And quite frankly, not having a bath for over a year is neglect.

You can put that in any other term that you want, but that's what it is. So there's ways to say this in a nuanced way term that you want, but that's what it is. So there's ways to say this in a nuanced way so that you're really showing how much you care. I know how important this family is, not only to my wife, but to me. I want us all to get along too. And me coming out and telling you how I feel, let me give you some more context

about why it was such an issue. And we can move on from this in one of two ways. Like we don't have to ever discuss the dog again. You don't have to listen to anything I say and you can continue doing what you do, but just don't expect us to watch your dog. It's too painful for me, you know? And it doesn't have to be that dramatic,

but it can be nuanced enough so that you're being reasonable and you're taking accountability for your feelings. And then they can do whatever they want with that. And ended on a note saying, I would love for us to move forward as a family. I'm really sorry that my directness cut you in this way, but I had to be honest. That's a promise I made to myself a long time ago that I would not look away in the face of neglect. And without pointing finger, finger, finger, you already said it. They already know it. I think you made your point so that you're not going to be, you know, burdened with that

watching that dog again. But it would be better if they actually did something and actually sat because sometimes you say something and you remove it. Like, I like that you didn't go to Seder. Like, I like that you didn't go to that dinner because they're just now they just have to like sitting and thinking about what you actually said. There's no way she's looking at her dog not going fuck is he neglected why haven't i bathed him or why hasn't someone bathed him yeah i like the idea of maybe sending an email to the entire family because they have they've read my initial correspondence i did send another

text to my wife's sister asking her to have a conversation and she didn't respond to me. She responded to my wife saying, I don't know what a conversation would do. I don't want to speak to her again. But I kind of like involving other people because they're involved anyway. Yeah, right. The more the merrier. Yeah. Well, and I think too, at the end of the day, there is a dog that's not getting the care that he needs, like whether it's because he has a skin issue or whatever it is. I mean, obviously, there's also neglect happening. I wonder, do you do they love this dog? They do.

Yeah, it's really it truly is a lack of awareness. It's not that they don't love it. I mean, it spends a lot of time with them. It's not a bad dog. It's just, you know, it's a little anxious and it's dirty. Well, that's also something good to say, like in the letter, like it's very clear to me that you love your dog. That's very obvious. What is less obvious is the care that he's receiving. And that hurts me to watch it. Keep bringing it back to how it makes you feel instead of being like you're a fucking bad mother obviously right

i wonder since they since they love the dog it's probably not an issue of like well maybe we rehome this dog in some instances it might be but maybe it is something like i also really care for your dog you know can we pay for him to go to the groomer you know once a year or once every six months or once every three months or whatever like maybe there is some sort of compromise you can have there where it's like we'd love to see this dog getting the like veterinary treatment he needs and i don't know if that's something that you want to provide for you know your sister-in-law's dog but i would feel like they wouldn't accept it yeah and that and the fact that they just closed down the dog talk like this isn't about the dog anymore like they're not gonna i always find that whenever i down the dog talk, like this isn't about the dog anymore. Like they're not going to.

I always find that whenever I'm dealing with a situation like this where I kind of know I'm in the right and I have to apologize to make things right just so people can get along. It's always really helpful in these kinds of emails. And I think Chelsea said coming from your place, like why you got triggered, what your background is with it so that they can just kind of go, yeah, that's her issue. And then everything can be fine, even though, you know, but starting out the email, and this is just a trick of apologizing. Don't make any butts of like, I did this, but like, I like it. You said rereading that I was very angry and I might've said some things in a way I didn't want to say it. So take accountability for maybe your tone, maybe how you could have approached things. Those things will go so far in making this kind of amends where you put up a boundary of just saying where you could have maybe done things differently that will just give them something to grasp onto other than she's just wrong and she's just kind of like placating us. And yeah, because you can find something that you would have done differently which is a

beautiful thing that you're able to do even though you're fucking right yeah that's absolutely true and i think that's a good point because i think the way that i wrote the message a couple of weeks ago is not the way that i would write it today and i think i was responding to being upset that no wasn't an acceptable answer and we couldn't just move on and, you know, the history of this issue. And while I viewed it as I was, you know, for myself, snarky on a scale of two or three out of 10, I probably would tone it down now. You could go to a zero, you know, you could find something that you go, I didn't need,

and you don't need to phrase it like, I was mad because you didn't take no as an answer. That's again, putting the blame on them. Like I was having a rough week. I was had all this. It's hard to do, but like making it, giving them something so they can go, oh, it's not our fault, even though you know what it is. Like it's that kind of thing goes so far when you're dealing with dynamics like this, where they take no accountability. But I'm sorry for the situation. It sucks. Well, let us know how it goes, okay? Keep us posted. I will. We like these kinds of updates. Yes, for sure. Yeah.

Thank you for your time. I really appreciate it. Thanks, Brooke. Good luck with everything. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Brooke was so normal and cool

that you know her family's a fucking mess. Yeah. Totally. She's going to be the level-headed one. I'm bad I always just take sides you know what I mean I immediately take a person's side even if that's the only story side of the story I'm hearing yeah I believe you and they're the worst and you just want your partner to like kind of turn their back on their family when they're being irrational too but that family dynamic is so locked in especially when it's one where they're just dealing with denial no accountability no apologizing like her wife is

probably struggling with separating from that but it just sounds like in the long run this stuff is gonna keep flaring up and there's gonna have to to be a moment of like, okay, I can't be around you guys anymore unless you get honest. It's tough. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.

Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello,

Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Our next question comes from Liv. She says, I need some tough love. I started secretly seeing my company's chief technology officer last summer, and I work in our HR department, LOL. He currently lives in Florida, and I live right outside of NYC. Our company is based in Manhattan, so he comes into the office frequently for work and meetings. I've also gone down to Florida to visit him. We go out to work happy hours and functions together. We sneak off on dates, just the two of us, and I stay at his hotel or he stays at my place when he visits.

I know I'm in love with him and we get along so great and I've brought up taking things to the next level because I can see and would love a future and a real relationship with him. I also want to mention that I'm 25 and he's 42 and he's never been married and has never had children. The age difference isn't an issue for us, but I'm having a hard time figuring out what he wants out of this, and he's the master of giving me vague answers when I ask. He's told me he likes me a lot and he's really an awesome guy, but am I being a pushover and just letting him dictate the relationship? Should I continue just casually seeing him whenever he's in town for work? Should I give him an ultimatum? I'm scared that if I push him too hard, he'll shut down and end what we I give him an ultimatum? I'm scared that if I push him too hard, he'll shut down and end what we have going on, which isn't what I want. Also, if we end

up together, should we tell a company? Some days I wish I was strong enough to tell him to go kick rocks, and other days I want him to put a ring on my finger. What would you do in my situation, Liv? Well, Nikki, would you like to go first? I would love. Thank you. Okay. I know it's so scary because you're scared. He's going to be like, well, if you give me an ultimatum, I'm just going to choose not being with you. No, he's not. This guy is having sex with a 25 year old hot thing. He's probably so in love with you. This guy's never been married before, not really had relationships. He's scared of commitment. You're dealing with a guy who's never had a woman like challenge him. You need to say, this is what I want. It doesn't have to be a ring. I want a real relationship with you.

And if I can't get that, I'm going to go find one. Bye. And you do it. And I know you're scared and you don't mean it, but, and then you wait and you do not talk to him. You not reach out. You don't show up on his stories. You'd make sure that you give him nothing. And it's really good because you're long distance. So he's not going to be able to like show up and see you at work. You need to completely cold turkey, take yourself away from him and see how it feels to him. He'll freak out and he will be back in no time. A hundred percent read the book, getting to, I do to help you with this, but it's true. Like you need to give it and give it eight weeks. If he doesn't come back in eight weeks, I don't know that's impossible to do

as a 25 year old who's in love with someone. But they always come back. But this guy needs an ultimatum. He needs it. Because he'll just, why would he ever decide to settle down with you

and make his life more difficult when he's getting what he wants? To fuck you when he's available? To talk to you on the phone when he's available to talk to you on the phone when you're available where is there any reason for him to lock this down anymore you're not seeing anyone else he's in you're in love with him you got to get these guys a reason to lock it down because they won't otherwise tough love yeah I would say I would definitely say to be have a very direct conversation with him and don't let it linger. Like if he's like, hey, like this is how I feel. I want to be in a relationship. And it's totally fine if you don't. But if you don't, like I need you to be honest with me because then I'm going to go find somebody else and stick to that and stick to that plan as hard as it is. You're 25 years old. I've been in love like six times since I was 25. So just I'm telling you, this might seem like your world right now, but it's if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.

And then you're going to be on to the next person and you're going to be so grateful that you actually gave this guy an ultimatum to open up your life to meeting the next person. So you didn't waste time waiting for him. So many girls waste so much time just giving guys because they think that if I wish someone would have told me this earlier. When you have a boundary that you're so scared a guy will be like, well, then I don't want you. I swear to God, they really don't ever respond that way. Guys like a girl who gives them boundaries. And when you're just available for him whenever you think that's the best way to keep him around. It's the best way to keep him around on his terms, which are not, is not what you want. And I know you're probably thinking,

I'd rather have what we have now than nothing. I don't think that's going to be true further on down the road. You were going to lose so many years of your life waiting for this guy when you could have your answer now. But also your self-respect, like there's a lot of self-respect and saying, this is what I need. And if I don't get it, I'm going to move on. Not in an angry way. It doesn't have to be threatening. It just has to be like, Hey, it's totally cool if you don't want to be in a relationship, but just let me know. Cause I'm going to move on. And I'd rather not speak for a while until I figure out something. And I'll let you know, like if we can open up communication again, make sure that you are firm

and that you're able to stick to your plan and don't call him wasted, you know, take his number out of your phone if you need to. But yeah, it's going to give you a lot of strength and self-confidence. And then you respect yourself. And then the next person who comes along is going to respect you just as much as you respect yourself. God, the problem is, is so hard to do this when you're 25. I'm like thinking from my 25 year old perspective being like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice to hear that from you older ladies, but I'm not doing like, you just don't, you can't, it's so hard to do this shit, but I swear to God, I wish I could shake my 25 year old self and listen to this kind of advice. Cause it's the

only thing that works. I did it. I froze out a guy once. I forget what the circumstances were. I said, I don't want to be with you unless you want to be in a committed relationship. And he came right back. Like it took two weeks and I was steadfast. I did not speak to him. He called me. I didn't return his calls. And then eventually he's like, I want to be in a relationship. And guess what? I broke up with him like three months later because I've done this. I did this when I was in my twenties too. And I was strong enough to do it because I was dating guys that had girlfriends. And then eventually they'd be like, I'm going to break up with her. And they never would. And I would just hang on and so I would go I'm

never speaking to you again until you you're you leave her call me when you guys are broken up not a and both times I've done this in my life they chose that girl over me and thank fucking god they did thank god oh my god I'm so glad I'm not with those fools. It's so, it was the best gift ever. So it, sometimes it doesn't work. It works the way it's supposed to every single time. Yeah. And I also don't understand why people cheat on girlfriends. It's like, just fucking break up with your girlfriend.

Like, why are you having an affair on a girlfriend? It's so dumb. And they married those girls. It's so crazy. I just go, how could you marry? You don't cheat on a girlfriend and then marry her. You's just the worst. But thank God. Thank God they didn't choose me. Yeah. All right. Well, keep us updated. Let us know what happens if you give them an ultimatum and what happens. Yep. And our last question comes from Christy. Christy says, Dear Chelsea,

my boyfriend and I have lived in our rented house for the past four years, and I just found out that our landlord will be selling the house within the month. He's selling now to take advantage of the real estate market at present, and while I understand, I am heartbroken. We've truly made this our home for the last four years with so many amazing memories, growing as a couple, and loving and thriving in our small town community. Unfortunately, we're not in a financial position to buy right now, which has put us in a difficult spot. We have an opportunity to move in with a close friend and save for all the things we want but haven't been able to save for previously, paying off debt, getting married, maybe even a

down payment on our own house. This whole situation has brought up long-standing issues I have with comparison, unworthiness, and self-esteem. I feel like a failure when I compare myself to where my friends or others are at in life, and I'm beating myself up for being in this position. I also love our home and our life here, and I'm terrified at the prospect of moving, even to this new temporary solution. How can I wholeheartedly embrace this new unexpected chapter in my life and drop the comparison to myself and others? Christy. Hi, Christy. Hi. Hi, this is Nikki, our special guest for the day and Catherine. Hi, Nikki. Great to meet you. You too. Okay, so you're going through a little bit of a difficult time in your frame of mind right now. Yeah. You don't know what's coming. You have to move out of your place. That's a fact. So while you had all those great

experiences and all that wonderful time, like that's a big gift you got from living there. So you take that with you to this next thing instead of being like, but I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss it. It doesn't matter. It's time to move on. So the sooner you accept reality and stop resisting reality, A, you're going to be happier. You're just going to understand like, okay, this is moving forward. That was the past. And you want to be in the present moment and be optimistic about the future. The comparing and the contrasting, like we were just talking about that. Just mute J-Lo. That's what we are doing. Yeah. Any of your friends that bring out the J-Lo in them, that bring out your-

Yeah, mute them. Just get them out of your feed. But listen, that's not what it's about. Your life is about your experience, your journey, for lack of a better term, your trajectory, what's going to happen in your life. And the more comfortable you are with the circumstances that you didn't actually ask for or expect,

the more you embrace them, the happier you are going to become. Like your brain does a thing where it moves forward or gets stuck in the past. And when you're stuck in the past, it becomes a depressant. And when you're only thinking about all the good things you had, instead of like, that was great. I'm going to take all those experiences with me to this next place. You have a huge opportunity to get everything you got out of that last place, but own this place because of this opportunity that's coming up. Right? Totally. Yeah. I think since like the past two weeks, when this news broke to us and everything, like I definitely went through the motions of grief a lot, like grieving our place, grieving our time here, kind of feeling angry at the situation. But

now I'm like, okay, this is our reality. And what I'm grappling with now is just like not comparing myself to where other people are at and just kind of like accepting where I'm at because I do play the comparison game big time. And I'm trying to step away from that. And just like, like you said, embrace like, this is what I'm doing now. This is a great opportunity. But it's, it's so hard for me to not play that comparison game, basically. How old are you, Christy? I'm 30. So I mean, there are plenty of people in their late 20s, 30s, even 40s, who, especially because of the last two years that we've all been through, are living at home with their parents, which is totally fine. But I think this comparison, a lot of it is a lie on social media that everybody's buying a house, everybody's

having kids, everybody's getting married and having a great time. It's our highlight reels. So you might find that you have an even better time now that you're moving in with this friend that you and your boyfriend both adore and you're having a great time so make a highlight reel too yeah make a highlight reel and also like exercise like not going online and looking at that shit just just it's give yourself a period of time like you're not going to believe how much happier you are if you're not scrolling through instagram chelsea you're so right but it's so hard to do that. I think when people say like, oh, just take take a break from that stuff. My thought when I hear that is, well, I'm still

going to know it's there. I'm still going to think about it and it's still going to be there. Doesn't change. But I swear to God, when I started muting people, I would get triggered by a girl's skin. I would get triggered by a girl announcing she got a special on some kind of thing or whatever. I started muting literally everything that would trigger me on just, and just accepting that I'm getting triggered by this dumb thing. And when it's not there, when you're not seeing it on your feet, it doesn't exist. It really doesn't. You think it's going to permeate your, your mind, even when it's not there. I swear to God, there used to be a girl that me and my friend used to send each other stuff of hers and like, how can her skin look so good? How does her life

look so perfect? We used to torture each other about how perfect she was. And one day I muted her and I swear to God, I don't even know she exists. And I used to be obsessed with her. And it really, muting does work. It's this thing that you go, no, that can't work for me. I'll still remember it. It takes time, but it works. And honestly, I'm listening to your story about having a good boyfriend, like a boyfriend you love, being in a place for four years that you made look so cute and that you loved so much. And I'm getting jealous of you. I'm finding things about you. Then I see your fucking luscious locks and your the ability for you to even call into a podcast and have the courage to share a

vulnerable story and then get on and talk to some celebrity like all of this stuff is stuff that your friends that you're comparing yourself to could not do any of that honestly like there are things about you that i'm getting jealous of right now so So that is to say, like, be grateful for the things that you do have. And truly, I promise you, I know it just sounds like just bullshit when people are like, that's just like their highlight reel. That's not really their lives. It really is. Go through your own Instagram feed and look at how much how much you are lying on it.

And you'll understand that because I try to put things out there like so honestly, I've gone through my feed before and been like jealous of myself when I really go back and I go, wait, your hair didn't look that that was just like you put it all to the front. My skin looks so good then that you put a filter like we're lying. So look at really muting people is a key and just try it and see if it works. And I bet it will. You're so right. Like even just the other day, I was talking about my boyfriend. I was like, maybe I'll just deactivate my Instagram for a little while and just chill and do this move and kind of like get into the groove of things and

like enjoy it. And he was like, why not? Like just live your life. Like do this next chapter. It's going to be good. He's always like, just vibe, like just relax and vibe. I like that. Just vibe. That's good. I love this guy. You're so lucky to have this guy. I'm jealous, honestly. And if you don't have to be on Instagram for your work, get the fuck off it for just a break. That is awesome that you even have that ability to do that. Try it. That's so fun. Yeah, I honestly might. I know. I think you should. We're going to order you to. It's a mandate. You're going to have to do it. Because seriously, the immediacy of it starts to fade.

The first 24 hours might be like, oh, you'll reach for your phone and then go, oh, wait, I'm not doing that. And then it might happen five or six more times. And then after 24 hours, you get into the groove of not checking. And then you're going to realize how much there's a lift that happens where you're not consumed. It's almost like people cease to exist. Just deactivate your social media or just don't go on, like take it off your thing so you can't activate it on your phone or check just for like, try for five days, really monitor how you feel. And after five days, be like, I like

this. I'm going to go another two weeks. And also when you get up in the morning, name five things, make a list of five things that you're grateful for and just say it every single morning. I'm grateful for this opportunity for us to save rent, you know, so we could save up for possibly getting married, our own place, blah, blah, blah. You know, I'm grateful for my boyfriend. I'm grateful for my hair that Nikki Glaser is jealous of. I'm grateful for whatever bagels. I'm grateful for fucking bagels every morning. I'm like, oh my God, I fucking love fucking bagels. But you know, you are a happy person. We can see that just by talking to you

in this short exchange, you're happy. Make the best out of yourself. Don't let anything drag you down to make the worst of you. Make the best of you and do that experiment. I guarantee you're gonna have major changes and I can't wait to hear about them when you call in for an update or write in for an update. Yes. And change is good. I will write in for an update. I appreciate this so much. And I think it's really, it's very true. It's just, you know, I need to drop the comparison game and that's kind of the

end goal for me. Also, Chelsea, I just want to say I saw you in Toronto recently and I forgot my glasses and you were kind of just like a blur on stage. So this is really nice. Everything I look at is also blurry. So don't worry about that. Thanks for calling in. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Okay. Good luck. Bye. Bye. She'll be fine. Yeah, she's gonna she she did say when I talked to her, she's like, I am sort of just looking for that tough love, a little you can do it, get to the next step. And, you know, change doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can be a good thing as well. It's always a good thing. I think change is always a good thing.

A piece of advice my mom gave me when we moved from like a beloved apartment was before you pack everything up, take pictures of your space, like just your space. Cause you have a lot of pictures of yourself in the space, but not of the space. And it's one of the best things we did. My friend, that's so interesting. My friend just moved from her parents moved out of her childhood home and she went around and just filmed like the sounds of the door handles, the sounds of the creaking like wood. And I was like, I wish I would've done that so bad. Every door handle, every door shutting and opening, every window unlocking. And I was like, those sounds are such a great thing to capture.

So I hope she hears this and does that for this space because I know it meant a lot to her. But, and then the thing about change, I like the quote, for some reason, there's just some quotes that like permeate and like really get in of, it's going gonna be okay because it always has been okay you look at other points in your life where you've been like oh god what

and you go well i'm here now being it was okay it's always gonna be okay it because it always has been and that that's a nice reminder well we'll take a quick break and be back to a wrap up with nookie and chelsea I think you just called her Nookie. I like that. I like it. I did it all for it. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden.

And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.

Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian C cranson is with us hello my friend wayne knight about jurassic park wayne knight welcome to really no really sir bless you all hello newman and you never know when howie mandel might just stop by to talk about judging really that's the opening really no really yeah no really go to really no really.com and register to win 500 a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead.

It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Fabulous. Now, Nikki, is there some advice you wanted to get from Chelsea? Yes. I would like to honestly hear how the fuck do I write a book? Oh, you just got to start writing one, girl. You just got to open your computer and start. That is the biggest hurdle is just start it and write and just give yourself an hour, a day, 30 minutes, whatever you can handle initially. And then you get into it. You start to get into it because I just did this the other day because I was like

my book agents were like oh we need a book proposal I'm like a book proposal I fucking written six New York Times number one bestsellers I'm like just go really yeah well I'm not doing that but anyway I'm like I'll write the book and I'll fucking sell it so you just have to start writing I just opened my computer and I just literally wrote the title, The Filipino In Me, A Love Story, Chelsea Halner. And I started writing and I wrote two paragraphs and they're not going to ever end up like those are the first two paragraphs of my book. But once you just start, it flows, it comes, it comes, but you have to give yourself the avenue. You just have to open that document and say, and write a title and start. And it will come to you. You're a prolific performer, a comedian, a writer, like you're a creator.

The first hurdle is the biggest hurdle. And then it all kind of works itself out. It's just starting. Yeah. And it's, you know, what's so great about it, Nikki, you're going to appreciate the cleverness and craftiness of that artistic endeavor because it differs from standup, yet it feeds, they both feed each other. You you know my books always turn into a stand-up special and then turn into like a tv show that I want to develop or and yeah and a stand-up tour so like yeah just you know that it all works in that kind of creative circle and it all goes together and then you're gonna just you're gonna get into it I know you will what about from your first book to your book you're writing now what

would you have told yourself when you started that first book that you maybe didn't know that you've learned from writing so many? Just the more authentic you are, you know, like there's so many people that are going to relate to your stories. I mean, my first book was about one night stands. I just did. It was called My Horizontal Life, a collection of one night stands. And my last book, it was Life Will Be the Death of Me, a complete evolution from my

20 year old self to my 40 year old self and like self-awareness, self-discovery, self-exploration, all those terms. And I was so into learning about writing and about sentence structure and about storytelling that I was soaking it all up. You know, I would write and then I, my editor and I worked really closely together to edit like three hours every morning once I had everything down on the page. And I couldn't get enough of it because like I understood what certain phrases were, what words were, how you use a clause, like when do you use like an em dash versus an em dash, all those little things. It's fun to learn the use of language. That's why I'm such a, I love language. Like I love words. If I don't know a word, I have to look it up. I can't go on. Yeah. So I think anyone who has a real like love of language, which I think every comedian does,

enjoys the process of writing a book. All right. All right. It sounds like you just do it. You got to just start it. Start it today. Open your computer and just start. I mean, I have started is the problem. Like it's just hard for me. I'll write like a ton and I'll send it to like I have a woman that I kind of hired to like help me structure it and, and, and help me figure out what the theme is and all this stuff. It's just painful. I like standup because I just get on stage and start talking and the jokes kind of come out. Like I don't ever sit down and write. And I think it's just being okay with being uncomfortable. I'm just getting, I've structured my life. So I'm never uncomfortable anymore. And I just do what I want. And writing a book is is just as uncomfortable as starting stand up.

And I just have to be open to it. Yeah, well, I would argue that if you're not uncomfortable, you're not growing as much as you could be. Totally. You know, you have to be uncomfortable. Yes. Yes. OK, I'll get uncomfortable.

I'll do it. OK, I mean, that's kind of. Yeah, I just wanted just do it like there's no trick. Just put on your Nikes and put on your Nike shirt that says, just do it. And then act like you're Serena Williams and write that fucking book. All right. All right. It's as simple as that. It's simple. Simple, easy breezy. Well, this was just a delight, Nikki. This was awesome. So much fun. Oh my God. I love you guys. Yeah, this was great. Thank you so much for your time today. Thank you so much for having me. And you can catch Nikki's show on E! Her reality show is on E! She's also on tour. It's called One Night with Nikki Glaser. You can get tickets at

NikkiGlaser.com or probably Ticketmaster. Right, Nikki? Yep. Yep. And then my podcast. I do every day, Monday through Thursday. Okay. And where can people find your podcast? It's just anywhere uh, you anywhere you get podcasts, it's called the Nikki Glaser podcast. And there's tons of episodes, but it's one of those podcasts that you can just jump in. You don't need to like, listen to back ones. I think a lot of people don't listen to new podcasts because they're like, Oh, how am I going to catch up? Just jump on and join us. It's me and my roommate just, and my producer just like hanging out and talking and sharing and being really, really super honest. And it's funny and it's real.

And I just love it. So is that your roommate in St. Louis? Yeah. Well, he moved out. He's still in the same building, but he got a girlfriend. So he moved out. So now I live alone. But yeah, Andrew Collin.

Oh, OK. Cool. All right. Cool. Thank you, Nikki. I'll see you soon. Thank you, Chelsea. Thank you, Catherine.

Bye, guys. See you soon. Bye. Take care. So if you'd like to ask Chelsea a question, email us at dearchelseaproject at gmail.com. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like...

Why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor? What's in the museum of failure? And does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead.

The Really No Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships

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