Dear Chelsea - On Our Best Behavior with Elise Loehnen

Episode Date: June 1, 2023

Chelsea is joined in-studio by author Elise Loehnen to talk about fixing our societal head trauma, how to stop stunting our emotional growth, and taking down the patriarchy - one step at a time.  Then: A twenty-something discovers her ex cheated on her the whole time.  A mom is horrified at her teenager’s trampy clothes.  And a gym-rat wonders if she has the right body to step into the instructor’s spot. * Get your copy of On Our Best Behavior here! * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Produced by Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Hello, Catherine. Hi, Chelsea. You were telling me you added some second shows in some cities. What do you have going on? Okay, guys. I have added more second shows to my Little Big Bitch tour.

I added second shows in Hollywood at the Pantages. I am going to be there two nights, October 12th and 13th. I added another show at the Chicago Theater, October 27th and October 28th, one of my favorite places to perform. I added another show in Portland. So I'll be there November 2nd and 3rd. And I added a second show in Boston at the Wang Center. So I will be there November 16th and 17th. I also have two shows in Seattle, San Francisco, New York at the Beacon, and Washington, D.C. I will be there

October 5th and 6th. And a special shout out to Phoenix, Arizona, where I'm coming Saturday, October 14th. And then I'm coming to Cleveland, Columbus, and Pittsburgh. So suck on that, you guys. I can't wait to see everybody. Oh, and I'm coming to Eugene, Oregon too, everybody. That's November 9th, 2023. And I will be at the Clubhouse in East Hampton, which is going to be a very intimate show on Saturday, August 26th. So if you are in the Long Island area, that's where I'll be. Awesome. Well, we have a great guest today and she talks all about women and the patriarchy, and it's very exciting.

But I have a question for you. You've talked about how your mom and your sisters were big influences in your life, but I'm curious, who are some other powerful women in your life, either growing up or early on, and what did they teach you? I mean, I guess I would start with my third grade teacher, Mrs. Sheckman. She was a big influence on me because she loved me and she just showed me such like maternal love. And I went and stayed with her a couple of times at her beach house with her husband

and my mom loved them. And she just really took me under her wing. I think she sensed how neglected I was and she must've felt for me. And she was just so sweet. I still talk to her. I talk to her. I haven't talked to her in a few months. But she calls me every once in a while. And she's just, she lives in Florida. And she just extended love to me and tenderness. And I really, that made an impact on me to extend love and tenderness to others who I could see were

neglected. So I, and my mom was very much like that. My mom was very sweet to people when she knew they had issues or even my girlfriend growing up was really in a bad home situation. And my mom sensed it, always told her she loved her because my friend's parents had never told her

that they loved her. And so that was nice. But as far as powerful women, like I don't know that anyone I looked up to, like the lessons I learned were powerful. I think I wanted to always be powerful because I didn't feel like enough women were in my life that were powerful. And it made me just as by instinct want to be more than what I was seeing. Like, I was like, this isn't good enough. Why does, why are all the, like, I want to be like a boss bitch. Right, right. From a young age. And it's not even that I wanted to be. I just inherently was. It was in your nature. Like, I just wanted to be in control of

my own destiny, not reliant on anybody. And I think that's always been the theme in my own experience is that I'm dependable. That's all I wanted to do because I saw so many people in my life that were not dependable in my mind. However, I interpreted my brother dying, my mom not picking me up from school, blah, blah, blah. I wanted to be dependable. And so growing up, that was always like I wanted to be the friend. And so growing up, that was always like, I wanted to be the friend. If you call me, I will be there. If you need me, I will be there. You know, you can always count on me. And that was more than the idea of power or looking to someone, you know,

in a powerful position. I just wanted to be a solid person. Yeah. It's interesting because you, it sounds like you grew up knowing you wanted to be independent, but also be someone others could depend on. Well, excuse me while I burp. Well said, Catherine. Great. Yes, that's it. That's exactly right. What about you? Who did you look up to? I was really lucky where I grew up with a really great mom who sort of like brought in all kinds of other people. Like so many people in my life are like your mom is like my mom, you know, like she's adopted everyone around her. But I also feel like I had so many other like friends moms who were like a second mom to me. My best friend's mom always was like fun to talk to and interesting and like really wonderful and always had this like bubbly charismatic energy and cared what us kids had to say, you know? Yeah, yeah. I think that's such an important quality is just like listening and being

interested. And she always was that for sure. Yeah. I remember I had an uncle growing up and he was always interested in everything what the kids had to say. Like, I remember loving going over to his house because he would spend time with me and be like, okay, tell me what you think about this. And I was such a young girl and I got so much attention from him. And then last summer, we were all at our family vacation at Martha's Vineyard and and some of our cousins came over, and then they told us that that uncle had so many affairs growing up with all of his girlfriends. I was like, oh, he was probably hitting on me.

Oh, no. So I was like, well, you just blew that whole fucking memory that I had. Anyway, so. Well. Okay, so our guest today is the host of the podcast Pulling the Thread and author of On Our Best Behavior, Elise Lohnen. Hi, Elise. Look who's here today.

Hello. This is exciting for me. You know I love you. Oh, thank you, honey. And this is Catherine, my producer. Hello. And we are here to celebrate the launch of, I don't know why I'm holding this up like I'm Oprah Winfrey because I don't have a studio. But I guess I'm holding it for Catherine, who's also read it.

Your new book, which is called On Our Best Behavior, The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to be Good, which is a very important book for every woman and man to be reading. So that took me a while because it's a heavy book. Like there's a lot of information in there and a lot of history. I think you do a good job of really kind of bringing it back to yourself a lot and the ways that it's kind of imprinted itself in you

and your experiences in this world. And I think all women should have to understand or should want to gain, I guess, a better understanding of where all of these ideas that we have about our responsibilities in society came from and how many millennia they have been making their mark on us. Yeah. And what we are able to do as women to kind of take our own agency back and stop the art of performing for others. Yes.

While also remaining true to who you are in the idea that by doing that, it even gives yourself more room to give. Like when we take care of ourselves, that we are able to take care of others in a more impactful way. And if that's what we're trying to do in the first place is take care of everybody, then we should really start with ourselves. Can you just do my book tour for me? Yeah, no problem. Yeah, I just need a ton of weed to constantly talk about the same thing. That's how I make things exciting is I just I add weed to it. I'm like, okay, I can talk about this again. Because the book tour becomes very monotonous, too.

I know you have to repeat yourself a little. So talk to me and talk to us about your impetus for writing this book and tell us a little bit about all of your research and history. Well, unsurprisingly, you may know this about me, but I am a good girl. I have spent my life achieving and trying to be the best at everything in every sphere of my life. And I hit a point several years ago where I have a recurring panic disorder. I am a chronic hyperventilator. And I hyperventilated for more than a month and just hit a wall of trying to understand what it was in me that was driving me to try to reach some invisible finish line where I would have safety and security and be loved and be enough. And

I recognized despite everything that I had achieved and how much I had done for other people, my family, my coworkers, that I was only driving myself deeper into a hole. I was the farthest I'd ever felt from emotionally free or comfortable. And so I knew I needed to address this, whatever it was in me, these invisible voices that were telling me that I was bad, that I wasn't enough. And that sort of began the journey of what would it look like to actually turn and face this rather than trying to continue to outrun it. And in that process, I came across this code of goodness that is so obvious it's invisible, I think, to all of us. And this punch card of goodness that women specifically try to fulfill in our culture, regardless of whether you're raised in any religion or know anything about religion, these are cultural

rules at this point. And if you actually don't achieve them, you deny them sloth, pride, envy, gluttony, greed. Because we're trained that they're so bad, right, to practice any of these things. Yes. That I recognize in that all the ways that I was policing myself and sadly policing other women. Yes. That very much struck a chord with me when you're talking about the judgment we have. I'm a very judgmental person. So I struggle with this a lot because I'm always trying to just go at everybody with love and no judgment. But I'm so opinionated. So it's just a fucking pain in the ass. But it's not fair to judge everybody. It's not fair to judge anybody. You're supposed to be looking at people with sympathy and compassion and empathy and no

judgment. I mean, I can't wait to one day feel that, you know, for more than a couple of fleeting seconds. So talk to me how you recognize that in yourself. Yeah. Well, the big question that I feel like I've been circling for most of my adult life, definitely since 2016 and the election, is why do women have so much trouble getting on side with each other? What is it in us that makes us so it feels instinctual? I don't think it's instinctual. I think it's culture. But why do we slap each other down? And why is it so acceptable to dismiss each other with comments like, I just don't like her? Or who does she think she is? or she's too big for her britches. And these are all cultural refrains. We've said, we've heard, most likely we haven't interrupted them in ourselves and in conversation with each other. And I really wanted to understand that in myself.

Why did I have that reaction to specific women, not all women? And what I realized, I sort of started with envy. It's a gateway drug. I realized that those women that were bothering me were women who were pushing on a dream I had for myself. And they had something. It was envy. They had something that I wanted for myself, and I just couldn't actually admit my own wanting or acknowledge it. And I think we're all conditioned to suppress it. It comes up and we suppress that wanting and we just attack. That's what I think is happening. Yes, I think that's a great way to describe it because you can, I mean,

anyone listening to this can relate to feeling envious of another person and then what those feelings bring up for you are that you're supposed to shove them away. And it's like, that's actually part of your psyche or you can call it your shadow self or whatever you want to refer to it as. But those are natural thoughts that have that happen. And it's your job to put them in the right compartment. Yeah.

You know, not to act on them, not to behave in a jealous way or behave in an envious way, but to acknowledge, I mean, or you can, I mean, it's really up to how you want to play this game of life. It's like, how do you want to operate within all of these dynamics and self-agency and self-respect allow you to acknowledge that you even have those feelings and they're not the most powerful feeling. Yes. Or what that feeling leads to, which is a truth that you're not willing yet to admit to yourself. Yes. Which is that feeling leads to, which is a truth that you're not willing yet to admit to yourself. Yes. Which is I want that. A thousand percent. It's full of really essential information. I think that our envy is our soul knocking on a door, asking us to pay attention to what we want. And in our culture, unfortunately, women have been conditioned to subjugate what we want to other people's needs. It's just being a woman 101. We don't have great models culturally of identifying what you want and then going after

it. And there aren't that many women also culturally, you I'm sure can relate to this, and I write about this in the chapter on pride. We don't have very many examples of highly visible women, women who have dared to be seen, women who are really living their dream, who have managed athletes, actresses, singers follow this trajectory where we love them when they're coming out. We applaud them. We celebrate them. They reach a certain pinnacle and then we destroy them. And we can say that those people have nothing to do with us, like people like you and me, Catherine. We can say, oh, that we can get a little hit of schadenfreude or just find it kind of entertaining. But the reality is that lives in us too. It lives in all young girls. This is a playbook. This is what happens to women. And when we celebrate it, we're inhibiting ourselves from being seen too.

It has really, really deep implications, I think, for all women. Yes, it's something that it would be nice to have a language for young little girls, you know, and boys, everybody really, because who doesn't get envious of another person's accomplishments? But there's this dismantling that needs to be done about the way that we're taught about those feelings and all the seven deadly sins that we're not supposed to feel. I mean, it basically your book speaks to the fact that patriarchy was invented with religion. You're not saying that, but that's what I'm saying. That's where all of everything started to get murky. And even in this book, I read the short, a short history on humanity a few weeks ago, and that goes back to like 2 million years ago. And it goes back to like two million years ago. And it goes back to

when civilization began and the migration pattern. And it starts to understand when women became property because of burial sites. Like you can see that there was a change in civilization. And when it's what started out equally ended up being they ended up being subjugated. And that was definitely because of religion. Yeah. Well, and I would say I take that one step farther and say you have sort of the Hammurabi's code for early patriarchal ideology, which was all about destroying women, like drowning women and penalizing men slightly with like a slap in the hand. And then you win a hand job. Yeah. Or a hand job. That's a job. If you really transgress the penal code. Exactly. But then with Judeo-Christian religion, when Rome just really taking over, you see this moralizing

that comes into it as well. So it's not just about oppressive dominance, subjection, subjugation of women. It's about you are bad and base, and maybe you'll make it to heaven if you spend your life trying to prove your goodness. Well, interestingly enough, there's also evidence to show or direct you to the idea that this is one stage of civilization. And then, so it started out with matriarchy, then went to patriarchy, and then the next stage, it could could be some conjecture will be androgyny yes isn't that i love this idea i also love this idea yeah and i feel like that's what the contemporary trans movement is moving us toward this idea of transcending gender and

gender identities and living balanced between energies, the masculine and the feminine, regardless of gender, we all have both energies. I think women can really identify with this. The masculine being order, structure, truth. And men have feminine energy and desperately need to be living that in their lives, fully in the creative, nurturance, caring component of self. And so I think with the trans movement, we're seeing like, it doesn't matter what your body parts are. These are universal human values and it is incumbent on all of us to be balanced in both. And imagine the lack of gender discrimination when there is no gender. Yeah. Like, hello, that's what we need to like. I mean, there's so many

advantages to understanding this movement and learning about this movement instead of rejecting it because you only think there's a boy and a girl, which is so dumb. In certain places in the world, they already have a third sex. So that makes sense. And knowing that everything is a spectrum also, I think it's really fascinating to understand that and how, you know, in our conditioning and what you're supposed to do, even with the little decisions in our lives every single day and the minutia, we do what everybody else is doing most of the time without having our own original ideas or thoughts about counteracting that kind of behavior or making a decision not based on what other people made their decision on. Yes. No. And I think like

you, for example, to me are sort of a post-patriarchal person and you're an incredibly good interrupter of this programming that runs in us. I feel like you have a ability to sort of stop it and question it and evaluate it and then take it or leave it in a way that I think the rest of us need to develop this ability to sort of say, is this what's running me? Is this me? Or is this just some sort of conditioning that is informing my behavior? And if we could do that and get closer to ourselves and say, yes, I'm a woman and I'm a mother, or in your case, not a mother, that doesn't mean that I am, that that identity defines me, that I am only those things. You know, we have a lot of trouble with sort of the complexity. We really want women to be only caring and nurturing and men to only be this. And it's a

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Inside you, two wolves are locked in battle. One thrives on fear and anger and doubt. The other, courage, and anger and doubt. The other? Courage, wisdom, and love. Every decision, every moment feeds one of them. Which wolf are you feeding? I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. I've been there, homeless, addicted, and lost.

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or wherever you get your podcasts. What were you saying, Katherine? You were saying something about her book before when we were talking. Yeah, I was telling Chelsea, you know, one of the most meaningful parts of your book was that first introductory portion where you're talking about the history of where patriarchy comes from, having grown up very religious and basically going to church seven days a week between school and church on Sundays. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Thank you. I've been spending the last couple of years sort of dismantling a lot of this stuff and being able to see where this stuff comes from,

that Mary Magdalene was called a prostitute, even though that was like, maybe not, not what was going on. That wasn't what was going on, right? Right. She was exonerated by the Pope a couple years ago, but like the damage is already done. But like between your book, it's like when you see these things, when you read these things, your eyes are opened to like, oh, here's what these thoughts are coming up in me.

And they're just, it doesn't mean they're true just because they're coming up. It's because of something I learned when I was very young. That's maybe based on nothing. Yes. My friend calls it Bible fanfic. Uh-huh. I mean, the deadly sins weren't in the Bible. And I think most people never make that connection. It just these things are passed down to us like law. And when you actually start to look at, and you look at something like the New Testament and we could nerd out on it, but just the number of mistranslations of the New Testament are higher than the number of words. And like some devastating ones, you know, like the creation of virginity was a translation from Hebrew to Greek. And beulah means young woman. It has nothing to do with sexual state.

That's the original Hebrew. It has nothing to do with whether you're married or not. It just means young woman. That was translated as virgin. Wow. Nice. Thanks for that. That's great.

Wow. Could you also talk a little bit about, I know in your book you include sadness, which was originally one of the seven deadly sins. There were eight. Can you talk a little bit about that? When did they cut that one? It just fell off the list. It wasn't convenient. So briefly, the history is that they were called eight thoughts, as you said, demonic thoughts, but demon meaning distraction. And they were first written down by this... By the way, Elise speaks fluent Latin, so watch your back. Oh, God. So they were first written down by this monk in the Egyptian desert, Evagrius Ponticus, as eight thoughts and these distracting thoughts. They didn't have this moral tone. This is at the same time that the New Testament was being canonized.

This is 4th century. And this little chapbook, he wrote it as like a spellbook almost of pits of scripture. It was passed around, and then it wasn't until 590 that Pope Gregory I turned these thoughts. He dropped sadness, and he turned the thoughts into the cardinal vices, the seven deadly sins. And as you said, Catherine, in that same homily, he assigned them all to Mary Magdalene, conflated her with a woman who anointed Jesus's hair, and turned that woman into a prostitute. So that's when Mary Magdalene miraculously became a prostitute. And that's how they entered sort of mainstream religion. And sadness, we don't know why it went away. The way that Evagrius Ponticus wrote about

it, he wrote... They probably abolished it. They abolished it. Exactly. So it had a feminine soul. And so I think it fell off because these were assigned primarily to women. And I really wanted to include it in the book because I feel like our culture is drenched in grief. And I think sadness, fear of sadness, is lodged primarily in the minds of men, and that being cut off from our feelings, the primary symptom of that is toxic masculinity. And this inability to experience grief and to cycle and allow death is why we're all so screwed. Even guys that are really sweet, that don't have the vocabulary to talk about this stuff, end up having toxic masculinity episodes when they are challenged with a difficult conversation or they don't understand it because they think they're, you know, they don't have, it's like there's like a major disconnect. And I think in the book, what you also talk about very necessarily is even women are conditioned to push their boys to grow

up and be men and act tough because there's a certain age where, you know, the cuddling is diminished and the kids start to understand that maybe holding my mommy's hand isn't what a big boy does. And then they're not coming to you for comfort and they're not having emotional outbursts anymore because they're told that's not what little boys or big boys do. Yes. There's this idea, this cultural remnant that we have to turn boys into men. And you don't hear that about women and girls. But there is this masculinization, this pulling them away from their mothers, that if you don't do that, they'll be enmeshed or entrapped. And the science actually shows that little baby boys are more feeling, have more attachment than girls. And so it is a

horrible crime the way that so many boys, and I feel like it's getting better, but we think about our generation and a lot of empathy for that severing and that severance. And it goes beyond family, right? This is all cultural. We enforce this with each other. So you're mocked on the playground for crying. You learn fast, right, to not do that. And I love that you conflate toxic masculinity with keeping men away from those feelings of sadness. Because what do we do when we're having an argument? We use anger as a shield from what's really underneath, which is hurt and sadness. You know, that's why like so often you might be upset or, you know, shouting or whatever. And what's really underneath there when you actually get to it is tears. It's crying. It's, you know, it's the hurt underneath. Yes. A thousand percent. Anger is often secondary to grief, shame, fear.

And anger is also essential in animating, but it can often be a protective piece of armor. But it's also not useful. Maybe at times it may seem useful, like coming from somebody who's naturally pretty angry. It seemed useful for a long time, but it is not the way to make my point anymore. And I understand that. Calm, collected, and thoughtful yields a much better result. And don't you think, though, that you have learned over time to metabolize your anger, process it, listen to it? You don't just suppress it. No. No. No. And usually I'm not angry when I have any time to think about anything. Yeah. When you do skip the anger part or you get past the anger part and you get past the anger part

and you get to that vulnerability and that hurt, like that's where resolution can come. That's the only place resolution can come is when you're honest with whatever the hurt is. Yeah. But I do think we're so hard culturally

on angry women. And so, so many women are swallowing it. Their resentment, frustration, rage. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. My friend used to be like, you are so frustration, rage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My friend used to be like, you are so, so rage. She's like, why are you so angry? I'm like, you're more angry than me. I'm just saying it and you're fucking suppressing it

and talking shit about everybody behind their back. What is that? That's a more honorable way to live? Yes. Well, and this is our conditioning. I mean, you might be, again, like an example for all of us of how to live beyond these sins. But boys and girls have a lot of aggression.

It's very natural and very human. And boys, we let them express it physically and verbally. And girls, we don't. We don't teach any kids proper conflict resolution or how to have healthy conflict, which is an essential life skill. But girls are taught that they shouldn't be angry. It's not feminine. It's inappropriate.

And so it comes out sideways. Gossip, alliance building, backstabbing, exclusion. Triangulation. Triangulation. It's killing us. And then what's most painful about that is that it's then ascribed to us as our natural instinct. That's how you are. That's how you are. No, we're just not interrupting these cycles and learning how to talk about our feelings and our aggression and our frustration

openly and productively. I heard this couple talking on Instagram, this older couple talking about their child coming forward about, you know, being born a boy, but identifying as a girl from the time she was a little girl and her parents resisting this and, you know, their church going and they believed everything in church and that it was a phase and that they could, you know, they just ignored her. And the mother had something really powerful to say about when she finally was able to accept it and sit down and hear her, which I think is really what it comes down to is everybody being seen and heard. When you are heard by the people that love you, like that sets you off on the road to love and acceptance. It sets you up for success to be accepted by your parents and loved and

encouraged no matter what you are just for that embrace. And the rejection of that sets you on a road that can be irreparable. Yes. And this woman said, as soon as I accepted what my child was telling me, and as soon as I sat down and listened to her and my husband and I stopped fighting and just started hearing, she goes, the love that my daughter had like lit her up. She goes, she felt so loved by us. And her whole energy and dynamic changed. And she finally was like happy and joyful just by the act of her parents accepting. Yes. Yes.

I mean, it's so powerful. And that's all that any of us want is to be seen, heard, but more intensely understood. Yeah, not labeled, understood, you know, and this is a conversation that came up around that video, because I watched it with a friend of mine. And she was like, I said, Don't you think most people's fear about their children being trans is that they're going to endure all this abuse and that, you know, they're going to be subjected to such discrimination and, you know, bad behavior? And she said, no, I think some parents that a parent's outlook should be, oh, no, I'm going to make sure that everybody knows as much as they know about this and I'm going to protect you and I'm going to be there right by your side. That's the way they could be looking at it. And I thought, oh, wow. Yeah, that is right. Yeah. No, and I'm sure it's a whole wash. I mean, my brother is gay and we grew up in Montana. And

I remember when he came out, it was right around Matthew Shepard. Right. And so my parents who are really progressive were that we all knew. Right? But a big part of it was major understandable fear about what would happen to Ben in the wider world. And he didn't stay in Montana. Of course he didn't stay in Montana. Why would you? I wouldn't go to Montana. Hey, Montana's beautiful. I think I just performed there, by the way, actually. So I guess I do just go there. I'm not sure. You were in Spokane, I think. That's where I did my back to school shopping. Oh, right, right, right, right. Right on the other side of the path.

Okay, well, we are going to have some callers. Catherine, are you going to giddy us up for this episode? Yes. We've got some overwhelmed moms. We've got some people who need love advice. We've got some cheating boyfriends. We've got a lot of different stuff. And it all kind of relates to the patriarchy.

Great. We'll take a quick break and we'll be right back with Elise and Chelsea. Inside you, two wolves are locked in battle. One thrives on fear and anger and doubt. The other, courage, wisdom, and love. Every decision, every moment feeds one of them. Which wolf are you feeding? I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. I've been there, homeless, addicted, and lost. I know the power of small choices to turn your life around. On this podcast, I sit down with thinkers, leaders, and survivors to uncover what it takes to feed the good wolf.

This podcast saved me. It's like having a guide for the hardest parts of life. The wolves are hungry. What will you feed them? Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities.

I'm Joel. Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can

retire early, well, How To Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. And I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar.

You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. So a little bit of past, present and future, all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander.

And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer.

We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us. How are you, too?

Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really.

No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. We're back. Well, our first question comes from Carter. Carter writes, Dear Chelsea, for the last eight years, I've devoted most of my time and energy to my career and family. My parents and my sibling depend on me for emotional and often financial support, which puts me under immense pressure. Feeling stretched thin has become normal

for me, and I realized that I haven't had any real fun in a very long time. I'm 32, single, and way too responsible for my age. How do I start to bring joy back into my life? What are some easy ways to begin to make joy a habit? Thank you both for the wisdom you share on the podcast, Carter. To practice joy? Well, I guess that is a practice. But once you get it, you have it. So you got to start practicing because it is a practice. It's like my practice is patience. I have to practice that. I have to practice that. And now it's coming much more naturally. I think joy is about finding what brings you the joy, like what lightens you up where you feel kind of tingly. Like, is it nature? Is it exercise? Is it work? Is it reading? Like, what is your passion? You have to identify certain passions that you have. And I think when you realize, you know, you don't have to be good at a million different things or like a million different things.

Like you can be drawn to two or three things, but make them a bigger part of your life. Like if you're an artist, you need to create. But I think if you're having trouble finding joy, then I think instead of looking harder, I would actually advise you to just be a little bit lighter about it and take note of yourself, like be in your body a little bit more and see what brings you joy, because that's what you have to surround your day around. You know, like I love to read books. I need to read at least like an hour or two hours a day. That brings me

deep satisfaction and sometimes joy, but sometimes, you know, it's heavier stuff. Like reading your book was so informational and so helpful, but I came away with such a bigger breadth of knowledge than I had started your book with. So, so worthwhile. But I think that's what you have to find out about yourself, but that's me sounding off. What do you have to say, Elise? Well, I'm glad to hear Carter use the word joy because I think in our culture, we're taught to look for happiness as a steady state, which drives me crazy. Yes, absolutely. That's that's stupid.

Also, I want to say that it's impossible to be happy all the time. Joy is something separate than happiness. It is. And it's I think joy can be brief, fleeting. It is that, you know, Catherine's laugh. It is... Overwhelming gratitude for something in your life that can bring you joy. Yes. Just that sort of, it can be five seconds, but I think that that's where you start and

finding those moments where you do laugh out loud or you have a nice moment with a barista is a great place to start. And that's the reality of our lives, ups, downs, that sort of emotional durability. So that's great that Carter wants joy and not happiness because we all need to unplug from the toxic positivity that's fed to us. The toxic positivity, that's good. Yeah.

Yeah, some people are really annoying with that. Yeah. And I think because it's hard, it sounds like things are hard for Carter. You understand the underside. And so just developing the upside, sort of what you were talking about, Chelsea, just a great song, a quick walk, reminds you of what it is to have that full emotional expression. Yeah.

And also to recognize it, you know, take your time throughout your day to recognize what are the things that perk you up, even if it's your coffee in the morning, when you have that moment and you sit with that moment and experience it, like even the littlest of joys, they start to kind of multiply and then you start to understand and enjoy more and more of them. So just pay attention to what you're feeling and thinking for the next few days and pinpoint some of the things that bring that feeling into your life.

Yeah, I think it goes right back to what Elise and Chelsea were saying at the beginning of the episode, which is you can't pour from an empty cup. So if you're giving all of this to your family,

to your friends, to whoever else needs stuff from you, you actually have to do what you need for you first. Yes. Well, Carter, thank you for writing in and let us know what solutions you find to give you more joy in your days. Good luck, Carter. Yes. We have our first caller.

This is Emily and she's in her late 20s. Is it Emily Dickinson? It is. She's alive. I told her. She texted me earlier. I told her to call in. Good. We're on a text thread. Well, she writes, Dear Chelsea, I'm writing in because I need some powerful woman love and advice. I just found out my boyfriend of a year has been dating another girl almost the entire time. I found photos in his phone of them together, not snooping, and it makes me sick to my stomach. She's trashy and she knew about me, which makes them both disgusting. We were planning our future together.

We were talking about having babies and getting married, and he was with her the whole time. Yeah. He would go on trips with her and tell me it was a boys weekend or he was out with his family. I need some advice on how to move on from this and get my power back. And yes, I dumped his ass, but my heart is broken and I can't stop picturing them together.

Cheers, Emily. Oh, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi. Hi, this is our guest, Elise. Say hi to Elise and Catherine. Hello, nice to meet you. I'm so sorry, honey.

That is such a betrayal. Like, ew, that makes me so, I can't even imagine how painful that must be for you. Yeah, I was very, very shocked. And he gave me no warning signs at all. Like I never went through his phone. Like he never gave me any suspicion. So I was pretty shocked.

He also gave me a fake Instagram account that said it was her and it wasn't her. So I actually ended up finding out who it actually was. And they've been seeing each other for a couple months now. So yeah, I was I was pretty shocked, to be honest. And so what did he do when you confronted him? Oh, he gaslit me quite a bit. I was like, who is this girl? And he said that it was his ex from six years ago. And he randomly ran into her at Harrison Hot Springs together. So I did some more. And he was like, I knew that you would do this. I know that you would do this. And it was the you you use that

he got me. Like I knew that you would go to Instagram and find this out, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, makes no fucking sense. Like, who is she? Just fucking tell me who she is, you know? And I was just shocked. Yeah, no, that's traumatizing to have somebody lie to you on that kind of level. Yeah, to deep betrayal. Are you in therapy? No, and I actually I listen to your podcast all the time. I know you love therapy. I've never been to therapy You need to go I know You need to go because like that's a terrible thing to have happen to you

That's a major betrayal of trust and in order to work through that in a healthy Really adult way so that you get through it sooner and you're not holding on to resentment three or four years down the line, you need somebody like a really solid professional to talk you through this on a regular, consistent level, because nobody deserves to be treated like that, including yourself. Obviously, you know that because you broke up with him. So that's the first best news is that you broke up with him and that you have a strong enough sense of yourself to know that that's not acceptable to you. So great for doing that. Good for you. It's hard to break up with somebody when you love them,

but like you stood up for yourself and you respect yourself. So like you're already on your road to recovery just by that action. Yeah, no, I ripped up his orchid. He got me, I put all his love letters and I put it on a box on my patio and said, get your shit. So good. I'm doing a lot better. I'm in school right now to be a teacher. So I'm just focusing on that. And I'm really I'm getting back into running and stuff. So I'm doing a lot better. But I do think I should probably go to therapy here. Right? Yeah. Because you also need to restore trust in yourself. And betrayal is hard in that you think that you should have seen something or known something that was being held from you. So you need to primarily restore your own faith and your intuition and your sense.

And then I heard you also say it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense it doesn't make any sense and so as you heal part of it is to disconnect from him energetically and to stop trying to figure it out or justify it or wonder what you missed and it takes a lot of self-control to interrupt that but you're not going to figure it out it doesn't make any sense no it doesn't it's not your problem really anybody that duplicitous isn't your problem like that's he's a liar you excised him from your life and like it doesn't matter and you picturing him with that girl also doesn't matter who gives a shit thank god you're not fucking with him thank god yes like what you she did you a fucking huge solid so reframe the way you're looking at

that divine intervention yeah i even messaged her on Instagram. And I said, well, like, girly girl, can you just tell me and she just blocked me. And so I'm like, have a money. He's yours. Yeah, I mean, you know what they say, if you wind up with a guy you were like having an affair with, you are just creating a job opportunity. So you know, I think that you are like a great example of somebody getting through a relationship I mean listen you still should go to therapy absolutely but you seem very solid and like this is good for women to be hearing that you're already through the thick of it in a short amount of time and that you are identifying all of this kind of self-awareness yeah no I let myself

cry for a couple days and then I was like screw. Like I'm getting back on my shit. I wrote into you. I talked to my mom. I talked to my friends. Like I have a really good circle. So it just it sucked, you know? Yeah. No, it does suck. And like, like, listen, that sucked. And hopefully that will never happen to you again. I won't. Hopefully. I mean, I won't laugh. I was just confused at how I didn't see it. But that doesn't matter. You can't see things when you're in them. Don't self-flagellate or blame yourself for not identifying a situation as it was. It may not have been that way the whole time. It may have developed. It doesn't matter either. That doesn't matter either. All you have to know is moving forward, what you're willing to tolerate and what you aren't. And you already said that to the world by breaking up with him, which is, again, a strong move and you're headed already in the right direction. Yeah. And don't go forward defended. So do whatever you can to heal that so that you can go

through life heart open. Yes. Yeah. No, you're right. I'm just dedicating this summer to me and only me and all of my goals and what I want to do. So I love it. OK, well, take care. Thank you so much for calling in. And best of luck to you. We're sending you total good vibes. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thanks, Emily. Bye, Emily. Bye. That I mean, that goes right back to what we were talking about before with right now. She's in the anger part and she's in the like, fuck that guy, whatever. Like, that's where she's at right now. And, you know, getting into therapy to get past that a little bit and into the hurt, processing the hurt, like that will help her not carry it with her.

Yes. Well, should we jump to another caller? Yeah. Our next caller is Amy. She is 34. Dear Chelsea, first of all, I adore you both. I'm writing in because I probably need a swift kick in the rear. I'm a former high school teacher who left the profession after 10 years,

feeling completely beaten down by the demands of the overall system of what we like to call public education. God, I don't fucking blame you. What a joke. I have since focused on my two young children who are four and 22 months. I love being a stay-at-home mom, but eventually, sooner rather than later, I would love to go back to work. One career path I can't seem to get out of my head is to be a personal trainer, more specifically a coach at Orange Theory Fitness. I've been attending this gym for about eight years. I have almost 900 classes to my name. The problem is I don't have

the body type you envision when you imagine a personal trainer. I'm short and chubby, but I'm in great shape. I'm afraid gyms won't hire me over this fact, as well as clients not taking me seriously or believing I don't know what I'm talking about because I'm in a slightly bigger body. What do you ladies think? Would a slightly larger bodied person make you not want to take workout advice from them? Or would it be refreshing to see a different body type in the gym? Any advice or opinions are appreciated. You both are doing amazing things and inspire me weekly. Amy, 34, Nevada.

Hi, Amy. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm amazing. Couldn't be better. How are you guys? This is our special guest, Elise Loden today.

Hi. So nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Thank you. Well, have you actually applied or are you still just contemplating this? I'm still contemplating. I'm still in this kind of awkward place in my life where I'm trying to embrace the stay-at-home mom life a little bit. But it's already starting to get to me when you're in.

So I'm thinking of avenues to, you know, venture down. And I was thinking, what do I enjoy doing? And I really enjoy working out. I'm kind of the silly one in my friend group. And the coaches at my gym are really upbeat and fun. And they really get you into your workout. And I was like, I could do this. I was a teacher for 10 years. I'm really good at being able to delegate my attention and everything like that. So I was thinking like, this might be something I could really do, but I'm worried about how I look. People might not take me seriously just because I'm not in the best shape when you just look at me, but I'm in the best shape for myself. But some people are really judgmental. And I don't know if... I kind of want to get an outsider's

opinion just if they think that that would be an issue, I would come across basically. I think you have to go for it. I think that that whole scene, I think the way that we equate health with an exterior representation is so profoundly and deeply flawed. Some of the least healthy people I know are walking time bombs. And I think we're at the beginning of this culturally. So I'm not going to say that it's going to be easy. But body diversity and different experiences of health have got to be present in places where we work on ourselves and work on our bodies. And think about a lot more women look like you than they look like, you know, a tiny little spin instructor. And yeah, I think there's a huge opportunity for you to attract people who are

intimidated by a perfectly fit trainer. A lot of people that turns them off because they feel like they're being judged by their trainer. So you have a whole group of women, especially moms, who probably feel that way and feel intimidated. So they can find somebody that looks a little bit more like them. They're going to be a little bit more, I guess, you know, feel more comfortable, I would say, working out. I would think that would apply to a lot of people. Yeah, there's a group of people that want their trainer to look a certain way. Then there's a group of people that want to feel comfortable working out with somebody that makes them feel good about themselves. Yes. A thousand percent. Yeah. That's what I was banking on too. I was like, you know, if I saw someone like me, when I started out my journey with working out about eight,

nine years ago, I think I wouldn't have been as intimidated. I kept putting it off. You know, I don't want to go to this gym. You know, it looks scary, but then I finally went and it was fun. But, you know, maybe if I did walk in and see someone that looked more like myself, maybe I would have been more inclined to start sooner. That's a really good point. Yeah. And I think that's also how you sell it to someone when you're in a job interview. It's like when I walked in here, I wanted to see somebody who looks like me, like not just like a size double zero. I wanted to see somebody who's like an average size person. Without apologizing about your size,

you can advocate for what they may have their guardrails up about what they deem as somebody that can teach there. But I also wouldn't even limit yourself to orange theory. Like this is great marketing. I could already see like you marketing to women in your neighborhood and moms like, do other moms want to work out without being judged by everybody in the gym? Do you guys want to,

and figure out fun ways to do that around the neighborhood, walking around or going to a park and meeting up. So it's not so that there's a fun vibe and there's kind of movement in the movement, not, you know, literally and physically, like you're actually changing it up and offering different places to go or different activities. I think you could just not limit yourself to only thinking you can just fit yourself into somebody else's operation and potentially create your own business. Have you ever thought of that? Yeah, not that everyone needs to be a digital influencer. But I also wonder if you started making some content just for your friends and family, I think you would get a lot of positive reinforcement. It might be what you need confidence wise to see the market for this and move into it. You don't have to keep doing it or

build a profile, but I think you'd get a lot of feedback. That's a really good idea. I didn't even think about. Thank you. And I love what Chelsea said, too. When my mom was like in her 50s, she and several of her friends started working out with a gal who was about your age. She'd built like a whole gym in her basement, which like depending on your weather situation where you live, you know, basement, outside, whatever. But like that was where they love to go because it was like a normal person with great equipment and they would go and have a great time and chat with the other ladies. And it wasn't like this like gym, gym, gym experience. And where our culture is awash with unattainable bodies. And if that's what people need in order to feel inspired, they have a plethora of opportunities to feel bad about themselves. And no, but I think it would be revolutionary to disrupt that narrative. And to get comfortable with people, for people to see someone who's healthy, strong and has a body that's attainable and equivalent is really powerful.

And I think exactly picking off of what Elise said earlier, make that part of your narrative, too. Like how we define health is has been misinterpreted for eons. And actually healthy and strong and physically fit are the most important things to be. It's not about being a size zero or a size two, especially not for everybody. Nobody, people aren't naturally like that and are forcing themselves. There are people that are naturally like that. Good for them. But that's not natural for most people. So I think you have a huge opportunity here too. So get going, get working. Yeah, and I also like how when you had Ben Bruno on, he talked more about how women should be doing more like weight training, how we're always, we go straight for the cardio.

And I was thinking like, cause that's where I found my passion. I used to hate lifting weights and now it's like, I look forward to it. Can I beat my personal record and things like that? And I wanna get people excited like that and women excited about that because I think there's a misinterpretation of lifting weights for, lifting weights for women too. They don't want to look too

bulky or whatever. And I'm like, that's not a thing. Like, that's not a thing. Yeah. I also, this just kind of keeps popping into my mind too. You may want to talk to a therapist or somebody as well just to see if there's some body dysmorphia stuff going on. Because if you're limiting yourself so much, like having this question about like, am I good enough to do this? Am I the right size to do this? There might be just some extra like body stuff that you need to work out with a therapist. I grew up with an almond mom, if you guys know the coin term. I grew up with an almond joy mom, so I have the opposite set of problems.

You got to trademark that, Chelsea. That's great. Almond joy mom. I see a new commercial. Yes. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't. Absolutely. I will. Yeah, this was all great advice, stuff I never thought of.

So I just, I feel inspired. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Oh, awesome. Great. Well, job is here. Problem solved. Everybody can go home now.

Problem solved. I will keep you updated on my future endeavors. Okay, good. Let us know the name of your gym when you start it. Your mantra is think now. Problem solved. I will keep you updated on my future endeavors. Okay, good. Let us know the name of your gym when you start it. Your mantra is think bigger, think bigger. I gotta think of a gym name that has nugget incorporated into it somehow. Like, you know, nugget fitness.

Nobody wants to work out with a nugget, but you could call that think bigger too. That's a good gym name, think bigger. Think bigger is a great name. We are like, you have three three cmos right now doing your marketing plan love it love it thank you i appreciate your time i really do thank you oh thanks for calling in my pleasure thank you bye this is so fun anything we want to expound on i ask her a question oh oh yes oh yes would you like to ask me a question at least i'm so sorry how rude of me

well we can take a quick break and we'll be back with more Elise and Chelsea. Inside you, two wolves are locked in battle. One thrives on fear and anger and doubt. The other, courage, wisdom, and love. Every decision, every moment feeds one of them. Which wolf are you feeding? I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. I've been there, homeless, addicted, and lost. I know the power of small choices to turn your life around. On this podcast, I sit down with thinkers, leaders, and survivors to uncover what it takes to feed the good wolf. This podcast saved me.

It's like having a guide for the hardest parts of life. The wolves are hungry. What will you feed them? Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel.

Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times

a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls, and I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you

love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves, and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. So a little bit of past, present, and future, all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend.

Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really.

Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason Bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back.

We're back. Alyse, did you have a question for Chelsea? I sure do. Thanks for asking, Catherine. You have a fearlessness about you, and I'm assuming you've always been a brave person, but you are someone who says it anyway, right? You see something, you say something. Do you ever feel scared?

And what do you do in those moments? Scared of saying something? Just being who you are in the world. Oh. Just being who you are in the world. Oh, I have fears, but everyone always asks me this question and I take it as a compliment that people think I'm so fearless. I think I'm not really sure. I haven't digested it fully because I don't feel fearless. I definitely feel brave, but I have lots of fears and I make it my business to kind of

work, push through, like go. You can do it. Like every time you get over a fear the level of the confidence that you feel and the I think self-security is the biggest thing that I have like I I can I know I can depend on myself I know I'm not going to let anything get too carried away not for anybody else and not for myself and that if someone asks me to do something I have complete confidence in my competence. Yes. You know, as long as it doesn't involve technology, like anything emotional,

any sort of traumatic thing, like I can help somebody and I can actually deal with it myself. But I think it's from stepping through fear over and over and over again. I think there's so many different nuances of fear and how that plays out in your life. You know, you can be fearful, you can live in fear, or you can just have a fear of certain things. You know, it depends how and do you let it run you? And no, I do not let it run me. Yeah. And how do you interrupt it in that moment? Or do you just feel it? Or do you have a practice? Yeah. I mean, I'm very into like meditation for the past like five years.

I've been really practicing meditation. And this isn't fear-based. Yes, it is fear-based. This is a good example then. Last week, I thought I got some bad news about something. I just looked at it and thought, oh, that's not good. Like I was expecting more from this or a better outcome from that. And then I

had a phone call and I, and that was based on my fear of not being good enough at delivering something. Right. Like I was like, wait, I thought I did a better job at that. They should have gotten more for that, whatever the net result of it is. Right. And I was like, huh, maybe I'm not doing a good enough job. And then I had a phone call assessing the information we got. And it turns out I did a fucking great job. Right? It turns out everything was great. We did everything we wanted. We set out to do it. It worked in many ways, multiple levels that I hadn't even seen yet until everyone I got together told me. But I chose to go down the negative route for some reason. And that's fear based. That's because you think you're not good enough. You're not whatever. And I remember getting off that call and sitting with myself for about 20 minutes and saying, next time you do that,

you need to recognize that A, you don't have all the information. B, where is this coming from? Yeah. Why do you care so much about this specific outcome unless it's based on fear? And that needs to be identified in the moment. And then it's easier to deal with, I think. Mm hmm. Yeah. Anyway, do we have time for one more question from a caller to unless that needs to be identified in the moment and then it's easier to deal with, I think. Yeah. Anyway, do we have time for one more question from a caller too? Unless, Elise, do you have any more questions? So many. Well, yeah, I just have one more email from Nicole. She is in her 40s. Dear Chelsea, I would love your opinion on a recent dilemma with our 13-year-old daughter. She and her friends are having a costume party and are all dressing in similar themes. Her costume idea was super cute.

She was going to be the queen of hearts. However, when she showed me her inspiration or aesthetic board, I was taken aback. We're talking corset, platform heels, miniskirt, thigh-high hose. To give you a little backstory of my daughter, she's very independent, self-motivated, and an incredibly smart eighth grader. She prides herself in making straight A's, even though I think she's too intense about it. And she's a terrific performer who's done musical theater since she was seven. She started her period in sixth grade and her body changed almost overnight. She has big boobs just like her mama. I have been very intentional about not

body shaming my daughter. However, when she tried on the corset she bought, I was at a loss. I told her I thought it was inappropriate for her age and she freaked out. She even said she wanted to dress slutty for the costume party and knows it's a cliche, but doesn't care. While I appreciate her honesty and confidence, I just don't know how to tell her she shouldn't dress this way without making her feel ashamed of her body. Am I in the wrong here? How do I help her stay age appropriate and still love her body? Thanks, Chelsea. Nicole.

Well, Elise, I know you don't have any daughters, but you're the only parent here, so I have to let you go first. Okay. I have a lot of feelings about this. Okay. So Peggy Ornstein, who's an amazing journalist, she was telling me a story about talking to a boy. She writes a lot about kids and sexuality. And he was talking about his girlfriend, and he said, she's sexy but not sexual. And I thought that that distinction was so critical and key because I think with a lot of kids, girls specifically, they are

wanting to be sexy and they are not yet really sexual. They don't have a full sense of their own sexual power. I don't know. Maybe they're far more advanced than I was at that age, but I worry a lot about the performance of sexuality for an audience and the objectification when you don't even know yet what it is. And then, you know, I know that we're in a time where, which I respect, not slut-shaming girls or talking about their bodies, body-shaming them. But culturally, we are not there. We still live in a culture that is incredibly patriarchal, where of a thousand sexual assault cases, only 25 ever progressed to trial. It is not safe for girls. You are expected to be the babysitter of rapacious male desire. Whatever happens to you is your fault. This is

the culture that we live in. And so I think not acknowledging that and pretending that it's all fair for girls is a gross disservice. So it's not about shaming her about her body. It's about making sure that she can keep herself safe. And I recognize that no girl should be responsible for keeping herself safe and that it's fucked up. But unfortunately, that's where we are. I think you said that so beautifully. There's also, I know Chelsea, you can speak to this too. There's also a shitty thing that happens when you have bigger boobs of like, you can put on the same exact dress as your friend next to you with small boobs. And, like, you look, quote, unquote, slutty. You look like you're trying to be more sexual than you're meaning to be because your breasts are larger. Like, that's definitely an But I also want to counter argue, like I get all those things and I understand you're saying everything you're saying is true. But I also think at eighth grade, a girl who has shown responsibility and shown good judgment should be given the right to make these kinds

of decisions on her own and then see where that lands. Like she's going to school, you know, like hopefully that's a safe place for her to try to exercise her freedom and the way she wants to dress. And maybe she'll come back from that and be like, oh, I don't want it. I don't like I don't like that kind of attention. Yeah. Or I don't like the way people are looking at me. And maybe she won't. Maybe she'll come back and go, I liked that. I liked that a lot. But again, you can't control her experience with that. Like at a certain age, especially the way girls dress now, they show everything. I know. At a young age, you can't control her experience with that. Like at a certain age, especially the way girls dress now, they show everything. I know.

At a young age, you know, the things that they're exposed to. And I agree with especially what you're talking about regarding sexuality and sexy, because I do think girls are more innocent these days. They're exposed to more on the Internet, yet they have less experience in person, which is, I guess, you know, this has been a hot topic of conversation with boys and girls, adolescents and everything in between and nine binary children as well. Like you want your own agency. You want your kid to be able to make decisions and understand what those decisions lead to, especially something that I understand why you're asking, but overall, this seems pretty innocuous to me. I don't think it's a major big deal.

It's not like she's sexually active all of a sudden and you don't know how to handle that because that's something that could also happen in the eighth grade. We're talking here just about an outfit and it might be worth the experience of her wearing that to understand if she wants to wear something like that again. Yeah. My sister calls that the natural consequences. She talks about this with her kids a lot who are now teenagers. Like my niece, Lucy, she wanted to wear high heels to school. And my sister was like, you know, the natural consequences of that are you can, but your feet are going to hurt at the end of the day. And of course, she came home with like terrible feeling feet and blisters and all this stuff. And it's like that's the natural consequences. But yeah, letting her go to school and see how she likes that attention. Yeah, I think so.

I think I mean, it's nice to give people some responsibility also instead of parenting them at that age in that way. I think it's a good like that's a good self-esteem booster to kind of be have your own. You make your own decisions on certain fronts to see how you make them. Yeah. And practice making them. Yeah yeah I think that's all fair and I don't want to be sound so puritanical I just like any girl we can save from sexual predatory behavior yeah but can we save anyone from that you know what I mean like can you really save somebody from that I don't know I know I think I think it's kind of both of these answers it comes down to like is it a safe sandbox to be playing in like is she going to a safe place or is she like going out into the city like not great you know okay guys this is your opportunity um the book is called on our best behavior the

seven deadly sins and the price women pay to be. It's written by Elise Lohnan. Please order your books or go to your independent bookstores and buy a copy of this book. It is very important reading. Elise, thank you so much for being here today. So fun. It's so nice to talk to real people, right? And give advice. I love it.

I love it. Thanks, guys. We'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. I love it. I love it. Thanks, guys. We'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help.

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