Dear Chelsea - Outsourcing the Human Experience with Zachary Quinto

Episode Date: October 24, 2024

Zachary Quinto joins Chelsea to talk about why we’re using AI to remove ourselves from our feelings, shared consciousness, and why things come to you in life’s perfect timing.  Then: A 40-something wrestles with her self-image.  A new romance is on hold over an HIV status.  And a fiance struggles to tell his disapproving father he’s getting married. * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hi, Katherine. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? I'm feeling fresh as a daisy. I mean, I'm in a really, really positive space. Excellent. I'm in a positive mood. I've been reading like a little chapter from Letting Go every morning just to make sure I had my head on straight along with my meditation and my gratitude. Amazing.

And, I mean, that takes a long fucking time actually every morning. I have to like get ready. It takes like an hour. But it's worth it because it puts my head on straight. I had a lot of crazy little things this weekend and I just chose not to let any of them deter me and stay positive and vibrant and high. And there was a man sitting next to me on a plane and could have gone either way.

It really could have gone south. And I made sure that it did not. Good. And luckily, I had a huge set of headphones on me. Excellent. Just tune everybody out and just be your own world. Tune everybody out and just keep the vibes high. Oh, and then people were recommending me to read this other book, Power Versus Force,

which is really about physics and quantum physics. And which is really like, I've never read anything like that. And I'm, I'm into it because yeah, it kind of explains your energy field and why there is energy coming off of everything. And like it's relation to kinesiology, you know, how like if you're around something that's not good for you, like say artificial sweeteners or something, and they press your arm down on what, like your arm will have less strength in it. And I once went to this spa in Salzburg, Switzerland, or maybe it was over Salzburg. I don't know. I don't know. Somewhere where Hitler came from. And they did a lot of kinesiology testing there.

They figure out what you're allergic to. So they put like dander on your leg and then you do a strength test. And if you are strong, you're not allergic to dander. If you're weak, when it's on there. And it's pretty fascinating when you see that because it shows your allergies right away. But all that stuff is so hard to measure. So it's scientific, yet people are a little bit resistant to that philosophy

because they don't see it as easily measured. But anyway, I also had a Celsius this morning. So they are out of my little energy packets from Kiani. They made these little natural guarana energy packets because I don't drink coffee. So I would take those every morning when I'd wake up and they discontinued them. No. So I had a Celsius on my way to Ben Bruno this morning. Now you're really rocking. So now I'm fucking out of my tree and I'll be in

Indianapolis, St. Louis and Kansas City this weekend. And if you haven't gotten your tickets yet, I don't even know what to say to you. All right. Should we introduce the guest? Yes. I'm so excited to talk to him. I haven't seen him in years, but I've seen him on TV now. Please welcome Zachary Quinto. Hi, cutie. How are you? I was so, you know what? I was so excited. I don't really care when people actually come to my house or not for podcast purposes, as long as I don't really have to go far. But I was kind of looking forward to giving you a big hug with your masculine, with your big, hot, masculine body. Bring it. I haven't seen you in so long. It's been a long time.

I was thinking today as well how much I was looking forward to connecting with you. It's nice to see you again. You know what? I did something so embarrassing, but of course I know I can tell you. I was at this restaurant in Santa Monica, and I saw Zachary Levi. And I was talking to him like it was you until halfway through the conversation. I said, are you seeing anyone now and i don't remember what he said but he intimated somehow he was you know seeing a woman and i was

like a woman he said what are you what are you talking about he said what are you talking about and then i was like this is not who i think it is so it's like i have the condition that you have on your show yeah right face for this pros Supagnosia. Yeah, right. Face blindness. Pro Supagnosia. That sounds like a word I want to add to my repertoire. It's a real, well, it's a good out in situations like that. I'm so sorry, Zach Levi.

I suffer from Pro Supagnosia. I thought you were someone else. That is a good way to exit the awkward situation if you have to. And what is it called? What is the layman term for that? Face blindness. Face blindness, which your character on your show,

Brilliant Minds, which is fucking awesome, by the way. I just watched three episodes. Wow. You had me working out for three hours this morning because I was like,

oh, I'll play the next one. That's why you look so amazing. I'll take all the credit. And then I'll play the next one. But that's a great show on Peacock that I didn't know about and now I know about. And we need to tell everybody that doesn't know about it how great it is.

Because, first of all, I love a procedural. Don't you, too? Absolutely. I love and I love the premise. And I love a doctor for good taking chances. Bring it. Taking risks for the good of everybody. Because there's obviously a very metaphysical aspect to this show.

Well, it's based on a real life person. I think that's always a good place to start when we're talking about Brilliant Minds. It's based on Oliver Sacks, actually. This is right on my desk. I didn't plan that. But here's a book coming out, edited by Kate Edgar, who heads the Oliver Sacks Foundation. Oliver Sacks was a prolific author as well as a revolutionary neurologist in the mid-20th century.

And he wrote dozens and dozens of books, case studies about his patients, and The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, most notably Awakenings. Many, many musicophilia anthropologists on Mars. There are tons of books that he wrote. He also wrote many essays and gave many lectures and speeches he was an incredible man and he was driven by

the pursuit of understanding who his patients were before they were stricken with whatever neurological condition disease disorder or injury befell them and he was And that was always his North Star. The engine of his purpose was to find their dignity and their sense of personhood within whatever they were struggling with. And it set him apart in a lot of ways. And he really revolutionized the field of medicine and also the field of literature, right? Because medicine has become so diagnostic and technology and the advancements of technology have allowed medicine to become so diagnostic we lost the humanity of medicine and oliver sacks was somebody who was pretty singularly interested in resurrecting the humanity of medicine and so our show while i don't play oliver sacks i play a character who is based on him and every aspect of the character

that i play is drawn from the actual life of Oliver Sacks. But the character that I play exists in a modern day story in a world that's taking place right now. Getting this role must have really added to your own kind of, I want to say spirituality, but perhaps there's a better word for it. Consciousness. Consciousness. Yes. Thank you. There you go. Consciousness. Has it? Yes. A hundred percent. It's really kind of been amazing for me to zoom out and see how all of my experiences have brought me to this place.

Just the idea of where our journeys take us, right? And that at this moment, particular moment, that I'm playing this role in this show and putting this message out into the world, there are no mistakes, I find. And I do feel like it is an evolution of where I've been. And I think Oliver Sacks and my intersection with him, I sadly never got to meet him while he was still alive, but my intersection with him in this creative way and in this profoundly meaningful way to me is something very special. And so Oliver Sacks was somebody who was really designed

to examine the last frontier of the human experience, which is the brain, the mind, and consciousness. And I know, Chelsea, we share this quest in our own journeys in individual ways. You and I are both, I think one of the reasons why I've always been so drawn to you is we're very similar age, and I think you're curious in a similar way to me. And what I've watched of you and read of you and know of you, you and I kind of will never stop digging. And Oliver Sacks was like that, right? So the excavation, the process of excavation of who we are as human beings is something that drove him and motivated him. And similarly, I think it drives me and motivates me and you too.

And so it's no mistake that we're all talking about this right now. And so in terms of consciousness and where we are in consciousness right now, I think it is a pivotal moment in our evolution as a civilization, as a species. And I think Oliver Sacks is as much a part of that conversation as you and i are right now sitting here in the flesh yeah and including everybody actually it's a world yeah because i think we were just talking about that book letting go i don't know if you've read that have you ever read that by david hawkins it's a great book about consciousness but it's just about you know how leading with love and like love really is the answer to everything like you know

stop resisting stop fighting stop arguing stop being negative stop getting in negative patterns that you can't get out of but you can get out of them it's never too late to get out of your negativity and and like the vibes bring the vibes up you know what i mean when you're around somebody and you leave them and you feel better after having seen them, that's because they have high vibes and then they are infecting you by osmosis with their high vibes. And my goal and our goal as a planet should obviously be like, you know, so much love could heal and hate doesn't bring us anything good. It just brings us more acrimony. I'm so happy to hear you say this. And just to piggyback on that, you know, we are living in this moment right now. It is such an unprecedented time. What we're experiencing right now, the ground is shifting beneath our feet as we're standing

on it. So there's an urgent need right now. The urgent need of the time right now is for exactly what you're saying, is for everybody who has even the faintest inkling of that sensibility that you just articulated to do whatever they can do to tune their listening to that vibration and allow that vibration to strengthen within them and then allow that strengthening of the vibration within them to reverberate in other people that will then continue to amplify that out

and out and out. And what we're witnessing right now, in my estimation, is that collectively, we have decided to focus on the wrong things. And all of this attention, if you look at how it's built and built and built, and it's really building to this election, isn't it, right? You look at how it's built. And I'm not just talking about in the united states but just in terms of you know the broader spectrum we have created these paradigms that are based in the binary one way or the other right or wrong black and white i'm on this side you're on that side when the reality is that those are all reactions that are coming from a place of completely justifiable and understandable fear. Fear, fear, fear has driven us to this place of binary thinking and clinging to the constructs that we have all agreed upon for generations are going to be the foundation of how we relate to one another and how we see one another and how we think of one another but when we really zoom out and and consider what we are up against and what we are now not about to but we what we are now entering into moving forward right the existential crises that present themselves to us namely and there are many i don't

need to name them all, but namely climate change and artificial intelligence. Let's just start there. Climate change we're already seeing. It's not something that's going to happen. We don't have to argue about it. I don't want to get into the semantics of the black and white of it, right? North Carolina, Florida, in the last two weeks, we have seen these unprecedented, catastrophic, cataclysmic experiences that are just the beginning, but they are happening at an accelerated rate. They're happening more frequently and they're happening in more anomalous situations like in the mountains of North Carolina where they shouldn't be happening. So if we take this as the harbinger of what's to come. We recognize that within the next 10, 15, certainly 20 years,

the kinds of mass migrations that we're going to see on the planet, the tens of millions of people who are going to have to move from place to place because the place that they're in now are no longer inhabitable. That's one thing. And then you just blow in underneath that artificial intelligence and machine learning. We've already invited that into the conversation. We don't know what it's capable of. We don't know how fast or how dramatically it's going to evolve, but we've already brought it into the conversation. So it's already here. People are already using chat GPT to write their cover letters. And so it's already here. We're divesting ourselves of the experience of being human. We're outsourcing the human experience to this artificial intelligence, and we have no idea where that's going to take us.

So collectively, we are on the precipice of change that we can't even fathom. Because if you add just those two variables, and there are many others, but if you add just those two variables to the equation, then we have no idea what the future looks like. And so the constructs that we've agreed upon in the past are rapidly dissolving. And my feeling is that consciousness and the rapid expansion of consciousness is the only way that we have any chance of moving forward with success to thrive or to survive. So for me, it is exactly what you're saying. And I think people all around the planet right now are feeling it and sensing it. And even if they don't know what it is, they're tapping into

something bigger than themselves because it's everywhere you look. And it is our responsibility to amplify that and bring people into into the light just like you're saying so i'm glad to hear you say it i know i feel like i've been talking for about 17 minutes without shutting up but i feel so strongly about it right now and it feels so urgent that we have to talk about it yeah i agree with you i feel the same way. I'm intent on spreading, infecting as many people with kindness as I can. Do you meditate? Mm-hmm. Yes, I do. Good.

What kind of meditation do you do? I do Vedic meditation, which is an offshoot of TM. So it's the same technique as TM. It's just a different community. And it's a twice daily practice mantra based. What about you? I do a Chopra app mostly. I do like a guided meditation about 20 minutes each morning. Right. So Chopra comes from the Vedic world. I mean, Deepak Chopra is, that is the same. We are the same in that practice. And I say to anybody who has a meditation practice right now, and especially for the next three weeks before the election, meditation, meditation, meditation. It is DEF CON 5, all hands on deck. If you have a practice or you know people who have practices, now is the time to come to your

practice and hold space. Because not only do we have to hold space for our own experiences, we have to be able to hold space for the experience of the collective, because this is a collective shift of consciousness that's happening right now. It's not an individual shift of consciousness. It is happening on the individual level, on the micro level. But if you zoom out and look at the macro level, just think about what we're fighting about. Think about what we're fighting about. Think about the Middle East. I am not wading into those waters in terms of the politics, the history. I have no authority or knowledge to do so. However, I will say that it is one of the binaries that is the

most kind of volatile binaries on the planet right now. But if you zoom out, the reality is that what we're fighting over is land that will be uninhabitable in the next 25 years by anybody so that the Palestinians and the Jews are going to have to shoulder to shoulder walk together to find a place where they all can live and survive. So we are focusing on the hatred. We're focusing on we no longer have the luxury to be defined by the constructs that have defined us for the last hundreds of years and generations. We just as a civilization no longer have the luxury of being defined by whether we're Jewish or Palestinian or gay or straight or cis or trans or black or white. That conversation is over. And how we recognize the end of that conversation and evolve that conversation into what the new

conversation has to be is the moment that we're living through right now. And as terrifying as it is, it is also profoundly full of beauty and possibility and creativity and joy. And that is our job to move in that direction and to move toward that because we're not going to change anybody's minds. We're not going to change anybody. And the reality is as well that, you know, the planet can't sustain the current trajectory of population that we're, you know, barraging it with.

So the reality is that things are going to shift cataclysmically and they already are. Look at the wars. Look at the natural disasters around the planet. There's nothing we can do to stop that stuff. But what we have to do is evolve, adapt. And that's what Oliver Sacks believed. That's why there's no mistake that I happen to be playing this character right now at this moment think about all the fucking dark twisted fucked up characters i've played so you know and and my own journey from the dark into the light and now i get to play a role and tell stories and put them into the world from a place of evolution and adaptation and my own personal journey that's been true and i think creatively that's been true and hopefully collectively that will be true as well as we continue to move

forward. This was like a sermon. I loved it. This is not what I was expecting today, but lovely. I know. I mean, look at you. I mean, I really couldn't have said it better myself. I love it. I'm glad to hear it. I'm sorry I went on a rant, but I've just been thinking about it so much. And also, there's no mistake that I'm doing fucking press for the, can I swear? I can swear, right? It's you. I shouldn't have been there. But you know that I'm doing press that I have an opportunity to connect with like-minded people in this way. And I just knew coming into this that you're probably on the same wavelength because that's why I've always been drawn to you even before I met you or knew you. And I just saw you as someone who is asking the questions, pushing the boundaries, not letting yourself off the hook, digging deeper.

And that's what we need. We need to reach out to one another and then bring the people who are kind of aware of that sensibility, even if they haven't completely accessed it themselves along for the journey that is ahead. Because the true definition or the true meaning of consciousness isn't just being conscious about what's happening in your life. It's about having a collected consciousness with the entire world. So every single person matters in the same way. There aren't people who matter more or less at all. And that's where, yeah. And so there, it does feel like a tipping a point, especially if the election goes the way that I want it to. I feel like that

we all want it to that are sitting here today. I feel like, you know, then we really do have an opportunity to change the world because, you know, climate change is, it's out the door, it's happening. And what we need in response to that is not more fighting. We need all hands on deck and love to receive these people who are no longer going to have a safe place to live, to actually be able to help and aid and send aid. You know, there are so many things that we're going to have to deal with. Can you imagine having additional wars and then climate change? And it's like, let's stop with the wars and start with the love.

And water wars and the wars that climate change is going to ignite, right? So the other thing that I think is important to kind of bring into this conversation a little bit about evolution is that one essential element of evolution is destruction. That's just a simple fact of nature. Creation, maintenance, destruction. These three operating forces are always at play in nature. And if we consider that as human beings, we are individual expressions of nature. If we're operating from this place, which is scientifically proven, that we are all expressions of extensions of one unified field of consciousness, right? This is quantum physics. This is, you know, what is far beyond my level of intellectual capacity to understand, let alone explain. But, you know, quantum physics proves the idea that all matter comes from one source, which is unmanifest

and then becomes manifest, then we all do come from the same place, right? We are all connected in ways that we don't even comprehend or understand. And yet we have lived in a world that for millennia has really existed on this idea of individual identity, personal egoic identity. And now we are confronted with profound transformations that no longer allow us to hide behind those constructs. Those constructs are dissolving. And now we have to accept the fact that destruction in many forms is a part of progress. And so the election, for example, I think represents two very different paths. Are we going to move forward with an administration who has some awareness of and some understanding

of the context as it is in a larger sense? Or are we going to move forward with an administration who is completely limited in their ability to see what's actually happening and focused on holding on to the past, returning to something that never will be? Well, on that note, we're going to take a break and we're going to be right back with Zachary Levi. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel.

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and get into the heart of it all. It's lighthearted, pretty crazy, and very fun. Listen to Post Run High on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. So that's why we created The Big Take you get your podcasts. Journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Amanda Mull, who writes our Business Week buying power column. Very few companies who go viral are like totally prepared for what that means.

And Zoe Tillman, senior legal reporter. Courts are not supposed to decide elections. Courts are not really supposed to play a big role in choosing our elected leaders. It's for the voters to decide. Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Okay, so for Zachary Quinto, for this portion of the show, we take callers. And I know that you're excited to give advice to some people because you're good at it and it's real people so it's exciting i find it very very um what's the word it's more than satisfying it feels meaningful okay good there's connection

there which is just what we've been talking about oh great you know there's shared consciousness and now we'll share some consciousness yeah let's share our consciousness let's do it we're gonna infect some more people yeah well our first question is just an email this comes from amanda tldr i don't what does that mean what oh it means too long didn't read so it's like a summary tldr i want to not give a shit what other people in my workout bubble look like so i can stop comparing myself to them as an athletic healthy, healthy 44-year-old woman who loves to stay active, I've always tried to embrace a positive relationship with my body. I'm not trying to look like a 20-something anymore. I've always loved the gym, and during COVID, I discovered the Tracy Anderson method. I've completely fallen for it. I practice

five to six times a week and truly enjoy the process. But constantly being bombarded by this and other fitness marketing online can sometimes have a negative impact on my self-esteem. I often find myself feeling self-deprecating and critical of my body, especially when I compare myself to the trainers and many women who post their workouts with their perfect size two bodies and somehow have their makeup and hair looking perfect to boot. I often will record myself training, but then I see myself and I'm mortified and won't post it. It's like a downward spiral. I know I shouldn't let these comparisons affect me, especially at my age, but I find it challenging to appreciate my body and health when I'm bombarded with unrealistic standards.

It's gotten so much worse in my 40s. I'm a grown-ass, smart, educated woman. Why do I let this bother me, and how can I stop comparing myself to picture-perfect bodies? I just want to feel happier about my own body. Warmly, Amanda. I don't know. What do you think? You're very active. I've seen you ski topless on many a mountainside. Yes, yes. I would say on the subject of letting go, let it go. If looking at other videos and fitness videos or people in your class posting or looking at them while you're working out, if those things bother you, focus on yourself.

Just focus on yourself. Everybody has these feelings that you're talking about, but it's up to you to cut the cord of comparison. That's why I don't spend five hours a day online looking at people's instagrams that's because it's bad for you it's bad to compare it can what is it comparison is the thief of joy comparison is the thief of joy that's the latest quote that's been going around that i heard and it is so true it is that is not your body that is not your problem you're you're your problem. You're your problem. And you can either

make yourself victorious or you can make yourself a problem. So the fact I would say that you're working out five to six times a day doing, I've done that workout before. That's not easy. You should be celebratory of the fact that you are doing the best that you can do and stop comparing yourself to other people. That is a losing scenario. So write something down on your fridge or your mirror or wherever you look at the most and say, comparison is the thief of joy. Write that down. That's all you need to know and imprint it on your mind. And you know, once you read something enough times, you don't need to see it every single day. You remember when you wake up. Precisely. And then it becomes part of who you are because, yeah, I just don't think there's any, you don't get any benefit

from depleting yourself of the pride that you have earned from going and working out to make yourself feel better every single day. Why are you letting anyone take that away from you? And I would also only just say that, you know, this difference between where are you looking for your sense of self?

Where are you looking for your sense of validation and purpose and meaning in the world? Are you looking outside of yourself for that? So you're looking to import that feeling from people's reactions to you? Like, oh my God, you look so good. Or, you know, you lost so much weight or you look so skinny. So then you feel better about yourself. Well, that's importing that feeling from somewhere else, as opposed to allowing the discipline, the commitment, the endorphins, the progress that you're making in your own life to be the source of your fulfillment, which you can then radiate and export out to the world. So this difference between

importing a sense of validation and exporting a sense of validation. When you're importing a sense of validation, you need to keep looking for it. You need to keep looking for it from other people. You need to keep looking for it from, you know, is it comparison? Is it, I'm successful? I'm in love. I'm whatever. So you're looking for it somewhere else and then it's unsustainable. But if you're able to shift that focus and recognize that what you're doing by committing to your own wellbeing, committing as a 44-year-old woman, I think she said, to embracing life and staying active and keeping your body engaged, that's more than 95% of people on the planet are doing. So shift your focus to recognize how wonderful that is, what a generous thing you're doing for

yourself, right? And then you can hopefully focus that energy on yourself and then cultivate a place from which that gratitude and that pride, that well-deserved self-directed pride can then be something that other people see in you and recognize as something that inspires them, then you're magnetizing people into your experience who are drawn to you because you have generated this light that brings them in, not because you're looking for other people to shine their light on you to make you feel better.

Right. It doesn't matter how bang in your bod is if your vibration is low. Yeah. Or it doesn't matter how banging your bod is if all you care about is that other people see that or feel that way. Exactly. But I love what you just said because it's, you know, you can attract people on so many different levels and in so many different ways. You're focusing on the wrong thing like infuse yourself with the positivity that you derive from working out and just let that be and i promise you you're going to have a different outlook yeah this might be a great place too to incorporate chelsea recommends a lot of gratitude journal and do that for 30 days just focusing on like here's what my

body can do here's what i was able to do yesterday. Here's how strong I feel today. And really focusing on that for 30 days. Yeah. And you know what, also, I just talked to someone about this. And it was somebody who was very unexpectedly wrote a gratitude journal that I was like, really? He must have been a straight man. But anyway, he was saying to me that he did do it, not at my behest but that someone else is a friend of mine and he said I mean it's vibrationally like how you can change your attitude how you can change your outlook like it's a matter of days if you just put that down to practice like all these little things you can do to keep the vibes high so yeah Zachary Levi wasn't it was probably Zachary Levi I mean most things are Zachary Levi with me. So thanks, Amanda. And let us know

if that changes things for you. Our next question comes from Brian and he's going to be calling in. Is it Zachary Levi? Yeah, he identifies as Brian. He does. So Brian says, Dear Chelsea, I've recently started dating a new guy and he's absolutely wonderful. He's got a great job. He's super sweet and has a good support system around him, and texts in full, complete sentences. I know Chelsea will appreciate that one. I do appreciate that. There's just one caveat. He's undetectable,

untransmittable, HIV positive, meaning his viral load is so low that he's not able to pass it along or so the science says. I have, however, heard of cases where this has still occurred. I'm also on PrEP, so that's another layer of protection. And obviously, condoms can be used as well, although I'm allergic to latex and haven't used condoms in years.

I really like this guy, and we're at the point of exploring things physically. I just have some worries with this, as it's a huge potential risk, I feel. It's a risk I'm willing to take in the right situation, for sure. I just don't know when that time is, sincerely, Brian. Hi, Brian. Hi, Brian.

Hi. Hi, this is our special guest, Zachary Quinto today. Hi, Zachary Quinto. Nice to meet you. Is it Quinto or Quinto? You're right. You're right, Chelsea. It's Quinto.

Quinto. Okay. Sorry, sorry. He's telling you he's a fan. I'm like, is it Quinto? Quint? I'm sitting here like an asshole. Sorry.

Anyway, welcome to our show. I'm glad you're both here. That's a great question. Have you spoken to your doctor about this at all? Yeah, that was my first question too. Not specifically about this situation, about protection to begin with. I think that's why I started PrEP about a year and a half ago. So I've had kind of the general overlying conversation, but not specifically about this

situation yet. I mean, I agree with chelsea i think that is certainly the place to start to sit down with your doctor and explain the situation and and come up with a plan that your doctor feels is reliable you know medically sound and reliable but i mean the evolution of medical technology is so incredible and you know our generation has benefited from that um still greatly so you know between prep which you're on and and his treatment which keeps him undetectable i mean the percentage chance of transmission is like point something right like point zero something i think it's really really low and so how long have you been together um not long i'd say about a month uh okay but it's a little bit long distance so we've been on probably like six or seven days i'm supposed to see him tonight actually so oh wow

exciting yeah and how openly are you able to talk about it with him communication's been really great he was very was very forthcoming from the beginning and gave a lot of information and answered any and all questions. So that was good. I think it's just, for me, the big question is, do I want to, and even though the risk is super, super low, do you want to take that risk if it's not something that's going to work out? Yeah. And so that's the question that I think I have for him. But I just, I don't know exactly how to phrase that and come across, obviously, endearing with compassion.

Yeah. I mean, I would just say you're, from my experience, communication, communication, communication, you know, share your feelings. Because if your relationship is meant to evolve into something substantive

and meaningful and sustainable, then communication is the only foundation on which you can build a relationship for which that will be true. So you have to be able to bring all the parts of yourself, the scared parts, the vulnerable parts, the parts that you feel like might get rejected to the conversation from the beginning. Because if what you're navigating is, hey, are you feeling this way that I'm feeling? This could be something significant and he is feeling that way, then the conversation will lead you to the next phase or the next chapter, right?

But I don't think you can make it all about this one issue. I think what you need to do is figure out a way to maybe separate out that concern with the bigger question, which is like, hey, are we doing this thing? Because if you're doing this thing and you're together, then as long as you have a foundation of openness, honesty, and communication, there's nothing else you can't figure out. Absolutely. I really appreciate that. Speaking of making it about the whole conversation, there's been an update since I wrote in and since I talked to Catherine last week. Oh, yes.

You're pregnant. And again, it's been moving forward. And so it's been moving in the right direction and all that. However, on Thursday, I was with him and he told me that he's kind of unhappy at his place of work right now. But there's one boss that's kind of kept in there that he's very, very close with. And he got word that that boss is potentially leaving for a job out of state, and they've asked him to go if it all works out. So he has some big decisions to make with that.

It wouldn't happen for like four to six months, even if it did happen. So that's kind of a new wrinkle that's been thrown in. Well, where would he go? Because it's already long distance. So where would he move? Well, long distance now, it's only about 45 minutes to an hour. So it's not bad. It's definitely manageable to see each other a couple of times a week at least, but this would be five hours away. Okay. Well, that's still manageable. I mean, listen, that's a gift sometimes, a little distance. Totally. I mean, every relationship that I know that's successful is because the two people are traveling extensively. So please don't use that as like a reason to not be with someone.

It's very good to have space and to have someone five hours away is no big deal. That's an hour flight. Or do you mean a five hour flight? It's a five hour drive, but it's in the middle of nowhere. So there is no direct flight. That's an hour flight. Or do you mean a five-hour flight? It's a five-hour drive, but it's in the middle of nowhere, so there is no direct flight. Well, you could parachute in. Don't worry about that. I wouldn't worry about those problems until they arise

and they're actually concrete. And I wouldn't consider it a problem. You know what I mean? Just kind of reframe everything you're talking about. The fact that you guys have had this conversation a month in means that this guy is responsible, is respectful and actually cares

about you, right? I mean he told you everything he needed to tell you before anything happened the risk sounds very low obviously I'm not going to give you any medical advice because I'm not a doctor even though I want to be and I love medications and pills and I love giving advice but I don't want to be responsible for that but I just as a gut I think you're going to be pills and I love giving advice, but I don't want to be responsible for that. But I just, as a gut, I think, I think you're going to be fine. And I understand all of the

concerns you have, but we are living in a time that is much different than when AIDS came on the scene. You know what I mean? This, this is a much different world. People live with it healthfully for decades, you know, look at Magic Johnson, look Johnson. It's not just wealthy people. I have friends who have AIDS or HIV. Not that you're trying to get it, but I'm just saying it's just not what it was. I want you to think about it in that

frame too because it's really important to find somebody that you can trust, that you can love, that respects you, and the feeling is mutual. I would focus on those issues first and anything else you can navigate. I appreciate that. Yeah. And he's so sweet and it's been such a breath of fresh air and it's definitely something that I want to explore. So I really, really appreciate all the words. Yeah, you should explore it. See where it takes you. It sounds like a nice beginning to

something that even though there's a lot of unknowns, you can't miss what's meant for you. So if this is something that is supposed to be in your life, then everything will unfold so that that is possible. Right. That's really, really great advice. I appreciate it. Okay. Well, thank you, Brian. Nice to meet you, Brian.

I'll see you in a month. I'll be at one of your shows in Texas. Oh, Texas. You're in Texas. Well, try to get out of there as quickly as you can. I'll see you there. All right. Thank you all. All right. Oh, Texas. You're in Texas. Well, try to get out of there as quickly as you can. I'll see you there. All right. Thank you.

All right. Thanks for calling in. All right. Our next caller is Chris. He says, Dear Chelsea, I recently got engaged to my partner after 18 years. Marriage was never a must and it just felt like the right time for us. But our relationship is not what my email is about. So when we got engaged, I called to tell my mom the news and got a less than excited response. To be honest, it was exactly the response I expected, so it wasn't a disappointment.

However, before she even said her lackluster congratulations, the first thing she said was, we won't tell your father. This is where I need advice. I've never been particularly close to my dad, and when I came out, it made a not great relationship pretty bad for a few years. I didn't come around for a while. While things have improved, my being gay and in a relationship is just never discussed or talked about. My dad is 95 years old, I'm 40, and my mom says he won't be able to handle the news of my engagement, almost implying it would kill him literally. I don't feel right not telling my dad, and I don't need his approval,

and I'm not looking for him to all of a sudden embrace my relationship, but I'm also not going to hide my future marriage. How do I handle this? Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you. This is Zachary Kondo, our special guest today. Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you.

How are you? Good, good. Here comes Doug. This is my big black magic. Oh, Doug. Here he you? Nice to meet you. How are you? Good, good. Here comes Doug. This is my big black magic. Oh, hey, Doug. Here he goes. Okay, hi. So congratulations, by the way.

Congrats on your engagement. That's exciting. That's exciting. Thank you. How long have you been with your partner? 18 years. Oh, okay. That's fantastic.

It was time. Okay, cool. 18 years and you're 40? Yeah. Yep. So you were living with him, what, 22 years old and you're still together? Just out of college, yeah. That's amazing.

Is he the same age as you are? No, he's a bit older. He's in his 60s. Oh, interesting. Okay, so does your mother know him already? Yeah, my mom does, yep. Okay. Is she preventing you from telling your father or suggesting that you not tell your father

because of who it is or because of just the fact that you're gay? Just the fact that I'm gay. I mean, he knows. He's never met my partner, Jeff. For a while, when I first came out, I sort of stayed away from the family for several years. Slowly, I sort of got back in with the family and went back to doing some family events. Jeff has never met my dad. It's just never, not something that's talked about.

It's just, I'm around just to help keep the peace almost sometimes, it seems. I'm sorry that that's been your experience. That's pretty disappointing. I'm sorry that that's been your experience. That's pretty disappointing. I'm sorry too. That is difficult and challenging and I'm sure probably a heavy thing to carry in the face of such a celebratory moment. So I'm sorry that you're at that crossroads.

And Chris, I wanted to just drop in here as well. Something that came up when we were chatting in our pre-interview was that generally you said that your dad has sort of softened. He's been saying, I love you more, hugging. Can you tell us a little bit about that? Yeah, he's 95. So he's getting up there in age. So, you know, part of it's just like, is he just set in his ways, you know, but just over the years, you know, whenever I see him and whenever, you know, me and my siblings, when we leave for whatever gathering we're at, you know, he's definitely more affectionate recently, you know whenever i see him and whenever you know me and my siblings when we leave for whatever gathering we're at you know he's definitely more affectionate recently you know he's saying i love

you giving a kiss you know it interestingly to me it's an interesting i guess most things tie back to consciousness but but you know you have to give him grace you know and and i guess my advice to you or or my sort of reflection back at you is if you've observed a softening in him you know and you've observed this kind of desire to connect more i think you have to recognize what you're up against right and and for somebody who's 95 years old that's that's not getting up there that's that's got he's already got there you know what i mean that's that's really really no matter how you cut it he's he's coming to the end of this part of his experience and so you know if if you feel like sharing this news with him is going to cause him any kind of

pain or or exacerbate his suffering or complicate the end of his life then as his son even though you clearly had a complicated relationship with him i'm sure that's that's not your motivation exacerbate his suffering or complicate the end of his life, then as his son, even though you clearly had a complicated relationship with him, I'm sure that's not your motivation here. You don't want to make his life any harder. So maybe there's a way to just find an intimate moment with him and just say something to the effect of, dad, you know, I know that we've never really seen eye to eye on certain aspects of who I am. And I understand that that doesn't mean you love me any less, but it just means that you weren't able to process the reality of who I am in the same way. But I just want you to know that I am really, really happy. If there's a way for you to communicate to him that this moment in

your life where you're you're telling him without telling him if your mom is concerned that you tell him that you're getting married to your longtime partner and he's never met because he couldn't hold space for you to have that experience is going to make his suffering worse then is there an opportunity for you to to to just tell him what you need him to know which is that he raised a son who is capable of love and who is capable of navigating all of the challenges and all the obstacles that that your father in his limited consciousness forced upon you not intentionally and not because he wanted to but because he didn't know any better. And now that he's coming to the end of his journey with compassion and forgiveness, I think there's

a way for you to let him know that you don't resent him for that and that he can move on from this experience, from his human experience, and know that you are happy and safe. And any father wants to know that for their child. Yeah, and I believe he does. That's very beautiful. That is very beautiful. And exactly, I completely agree. I think there is a way to say that.

And I think you're probably going to hear what you want to hear when his time is up. And if you have the luxury of spending a last few days with him, even if it's the last few hours with him, hopefully he, you know, you'll have that opportunity. And I guarantee you, well, I don't guarantee you, but I would strongly suspect that during that time, you're going to have an opportunity to share this with him. There is really no rush, right? Like it's not an emergency. You don't have to tell him right and

you know in those moments or when you if there is a moment that happens before that great but if you know if it's not until then then that's a good opportunity to when you're saying goodbye to let him know how happy you are and how happy you are to live a fully realized actualized existence where you're not hiding you know and you're being who you are. And there's not a person who doesn't want that for their child. And that you've found a partner who loves you and treats you well, and that you've made a life together. And you've been together for 18 years. So this isn't a lark.

I know. I just, I'm just so curious how you get, how you get engaged after 18 years. Like what happens? I just, you know know i've been thinking about the last year or two just you know just felt it was time we took a trip we're in pittsburgh oh you are that's where i'm from yeah yeah i know amazing amazing well i i i know my fair share about you know stubborn dougie and older pittsburgers so i i know what you're up against there and like i get it you know that's a tough nut to crack so so just like i just think compassion and forgiveness can be your guide and that you know you'll find a place with him of

mutuality and love because that's that's the that's what's there you know eventually definitely yep yeah i i think it'll i'm hoping it would go better than what my mind is thinking it would go. Yeah. And I do agree with Chelsea. There is no rush. Yeah. Just know that you're going to have the conversation with him at the appropriate time and surrender it. Just be like, okay, I've decided what I'm going to do here.

Now, let me let it go. And then when the opportunity arises, take that opportunity. Yeah. And I think the more I think about it, it's more for me than it really is for him, I think, to know. I mean, he knows, but he doesn't know the extent of it, maybe. It's hard in families when you have open secrets. It's a difficult thing to navigate because it's such a oh it's such an unfortunate byproduct of trauma right like open secrets like that's the worst right so he knows but he doesn't know or he knows but he won't acknowledge it or something so yeah and and i also recognize as a gay man myself i also recognize your position which is like i shouldn't have to hide i shouldn't have to

sublimate my love to please this person but the the reality is that he did the best he could. And it wasn't good enough. And I'm sorry that it wasn't good enough for you. You deserve better. But it sounds like you found better. It sounds like you've created better for yourself. You've evolved beyond the limitations of what he provided for you or your family of origin provided for you. And so now you have the opportunity to, from that place of expansion, embrace his limited point of view and let him know that it doesn't diminish your appreciation for him, your love for him.

And the person that you are today is informed at least partially and certainly significantly by him. And so there is gratitude there. And how can you focus on that now that he's in the very, you know, the last chapter of his experience? No, I agree. I agree. So I will definitely be having this conversation and for the best. And also framing everything in the right way. Like, you know, what you said is important. This is more for me than for him. So take that back and think about that. Because if it is more for you, then hold on to it for a little bit. Okay. And thanks for calling in. It was great to meet you. Have a good one. Thanks, Chris. Bye.

Bye. Okay. Do we have to take a break and come back to wrap it up? Okay. We're going to take a break and come back. Inside you, two wolves are locked in battle. One thrives on fear and anger and doubt. The other, courage, wisdom, and love. Every decision, every moment feeds one of them. Which wolf are you feeding? I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. I've been there, homeless, addicted, and lost.

I know the power of small choices to turn your life around. On this podcast, I sit down with thinkers, leaders, and survivors to uncover what it takes to feed the good wolf. This podcast saved me. It's like having a guide for the hardest parts of life. The wolves are hungry. What will you feed them?

Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt,

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It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, guys. I'm Kate Max. wherever you get your podcasts. Post-Run High is all about. It's a chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories, their journeys, and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together. You know that rush of endorphins you feel after a great workout? Well, that's when the real magic happens. So if you love hearing real, inspiring stories from the people you know, follow, and admire? Join me every week for Post Run High. It's where we take the conversation beyond the run and get into the heart of it all. It's lighthearted, pretty crazy, and very fun. Listen to Post Run High on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Amanda Mull, who writes our Business Week buying power column. Very few companies who go viral are like totally prepared for what that means. And Zoe Tillman, senior legal reporter. Courts are not supposed to decide elections. Courts are not really supposed to play a big role in choosing our elected leaders. It's for the voters to decide. Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. And we're back with Zachary Quinto. Zachary, I have a question about your show. So your character is gay in the show, and Oliver Sacks, he wasn't gay, was he? Yeah, he was.

Oh, he was? Oh, okay. So then I guess I didn't know if that was a request that you made. No, no. Oliver Sacks was a gay man who was celibate for 35 years of his life, and that was a real roadblock for me in terms of understanding the character. I couldn't fathom when I first was presented with that fact how someone could make a choice like that or why someone would make a choice like that.

And then the more I dug into it, the more I realized that he recognized that if he came out in his day and age, and he lived and worked in the middle of the 20th century, the 70s 80s 90s and he died in 2015 at the age of 83 so you know had he come out he would have been defined by that aspect of who he was right he would have been diminished in his capacity to make the contributions to the field of neurology that he was singularly designed to make and so he chose to separate himself to divorce himself from that part of who he was singularly designed to make. And so he chose to separate himself, to divorce himself from that part of who he was and to compartmentalize and split off from that part of his identity in order to be able to serve his patients

and make the incredible and indelible mark on a medicine that he was able to make. Thankfully, late in his life, he came to terms with his sexuality and he came out and he was in a relationship for the last decade or so of his life with a very loving partner. And he found his way to that.

But, you know, my character on the show is gay. It's the first openly gay lead of a primetime network medical drama. A big deal in that way. But it's a big deal because it's not a big deal right it's a big deal because we live in a world and i live in a world as an openly gay actor where that aspect of my personality of my of my uh identity is only one of many aspects of the identity that i moved through the world with um and and i've i benefited from the sacrifices of people like Oliver Sacks, who didn't have that same

opportunity. So there is some really wonderful through line in that narrative, right? Between the life that Oliver Sacks lived, the life that the character I play, Oliver Wolfe, lives, and the life that I live as an actor and as a person in this modern day. So I feel grateful for that. Was there ever a time in your career that you weren't out? Yeah, I mean, I didn't come out until 2011. I started working. I mean, Heroes was the show that really changed my life, my career. People started to know me in 2006. So it was the end of 2006 that I became a known quantity, right? Like that I ever had to deal with the idea of what being famous was. And then it was five years later

that I came out publicly. So there was a five-year period of time where I was out in my life and people who knew me knew I was gay, but I never spoke of it publicly until 2011. And how did that feel? Well, that was one of the most liberating experiences that I've ever had. I made the decision to come out on my own. I didn't tell anybody. I didn't tell my publicist. I didn't tell my agents or my manager that I work with. I didn't tell anybody in my life, my boyfriend at the time, my family. I just gave an interview and I referred to myself as a gay man twice within the interview so that I put, you know, a fine point on it in case they missed it the first time. And that to me was,

I did it in my own time, on my own terms. I didn't seek advice or counsel or, you know, it wasn't a decision by committee. It was a decision that I made myself. And so I was able to hold that decision for whatever it ended up, you know, whatever the reaction to it was, it was my decision, you know? And so that felt really liberating. Yeah. I love that. I love that. Well, thank you for being with us today, you guys. Everybody, you can watch this wonderful human being on his show on Peacock on the Peacock Network. I think they want you to call it the Peacock. On the Peacock, I don't know. It's on NBC on Monday nights at 10 p.m.

for people who watch TV in real time and it streams on Peacock, on The Peacock, the next day on Tuesdays. I'm probably way off, by the way. I think it might just be Peacock. Don't say that. I think it might just be.

I'm getting confused with all the different platforms and their name changes. It's very confusing. We can't keep up with it. It'll be something different tomorrow. And I hope I get to see you in person sometime soon, Zachary. I was just about to say that very thing.

It is always good to connect with you. You know, I really admire you, respect you, and appreciate you and like you. And I hope we can have a meal and, you know, like see each other outside of this context at some point. I'm in New York. I'm doing a play here this fall from the end of November until February. If you're in New York, please come to see my play called Cult of Love at the Helen Hayes Theater on

Broadway. And if you come, let me know and we can go out after. Okay. I'm going to write that down right now. Cult of Love. Yeah, come see it. It's really I'm really excited. I would love to. Yeah, good. Okay, honey. It was such a pleasure to see you. I'll talk to you later. So good to see you both. Have a good day. You too. Thank you so much. Be would love to. Yeah, good. Okay, honey. It was such a pleasure to see you. I'll talk to you later. So good to see you both. Have a good day. You too.

Thank you so much. Be well. Thanks. Okay, so upcoming shows that I have, you guys. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to St. Louis and Kansas City. And then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater on November 8th.

And I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December. So if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check ChelseaHandler.com for tickets. Okay. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. Okay. Do you want a shortcut to the best version of you? Here it is. Feed the good wolf. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. Every week, I talk to brilliant minds and brave souls about the art of small, powerful choices.

Our listeners say it all. This is a lifeline. Transformational. The best antidote to a bad mood I've ever heard. Join the pack and start feeding your best self. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help.

That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon,

listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you?

We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world

of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of

authentic connections. Tune in and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Dani Shapiro, host of the hit podcast, Family Secrets. How would you feel if when you met your biological father for the first time, he didn't even say hello. And what if your past itself was a secret and the time had suddenly come to share that past with your child? These are just a few of the powerful and profound questions we'll be asking on our 11th season of Family Secrets. Listen to season 11 of Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.