Dear Chelsea - Ready to Rumble with Susie Essman

Episode Date: June 6, 2024

Susie Essman joins Chelsea in-studio to talk about how every relationship has a flower and a gardener, why comedians have it tougher than musicians, and her longtime role as Susie Green on Curb Your Enthusiasm.  Then: A co-worker discovers her officemate’s boyfriend is secretly married. And a massage therapist who’s cut everyone out of her life wonders if she is, in fact, the problem.     * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, hi. What's going on? Chelsea, Catherine, Chelsea here. Catherine here. Hi. It's nice to meet you. Well, hello and goodbye because you're off to Spain. He estado practicando mi español todo por semana. I am in the thick of it. Muy bien,

Chelsea. You have been preparing for this for some time. A few months. I feel like I've been pregnant or something. Something like that drastic has happened to me. I'm carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders and I'd like to drop it. So that's what I'm going to do. But I'm having a very, some of my nieces and nephews have arrived and we've already had some really good laughs. So we're off to a good start. And my brother is really a lot more fun without his wife. So I'd like to make sure I put that out there on record. I'll bet so. Have you been up the mountain yet on your e-bike? You know, I have sister, you know, that's how I test for COVID. I you been up the mountain yet on your e-bike? You know I have, sister.

You know, that's how I test for COVID. I take a really long bike ride. And then if I feel better, I feel good after, I'm like, all right, I must not be sick. Exactly. A long bike ride. And then you come back and have a little Aperol Spritz. Surprise, surprise. We ran out of beer on the very first day with my nephews.

So they're clearly going to cost me about $10,000 just with alcohol. I'd rather give that to some charity. You know what I mean? Well, and how long is your drug stash going to last this time? I mean, you've got to corrupt your nieces and nephews somehow. Oh, I have a supply for a long time. And I have a drug dealer in Spain, so it's not a problem. And now my Spanish is so good, I can just get them if I need them.

Unas drogas, por favor. Unas drogas? Is that what it is? Well, let's talk about our very exciting guest we have today. Well, always. It's always an exciting guest. And we always say that because it is exciting because otherwise they wouldn't be here. We wouldn't be talking to people that didn't excite us. Our guest today stars as the inimitable Suzy Green on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Please welcome actress and comedian Suzy Essman. I'm sitting with Suzy Essman. This is a late-stage marriage that you, you got married when you were 53 years old. Yeah. I met him at 48. 48. Okay. I'm 49. I just want to follow this trajectory. Here's what I'll say. Now, I don't know you well at all, barely, but I just know from what I've read, you've choose people that I would never go out with. Like who? Network executives, comedians. 50 Cent? Rappers. Here's my theory.

It's not my theory. It's like a known thing. There's the gardener and there's the flower. You're a flower. You need a fucking gardener. I do need a gardener. Yeah. And these high-powered guys, they want to be flowered all the time like most men.

They want to deflower. They want to deflower and then they want to be the flower. But some high-powered men are very good at gardening because that's why they're in the position in the first place. Like if they're an executive, they're used to dealing with talent and they know how to deal with like personalities, large personalities. But there's still an ego at work there. Absolutely. Absolutely. Every person I've dated was a mistake. Yeah. So now we have to find you like a guy guy. Okay. I want to know about your guy. I want to know you met him when you were 48.

Break it down. What happened? Okay. He was the brother of well good? It was a mosquito. Was it really a mosquito? No.

Because they love me man. They just eat me the fuck up. What do you think this is on my forehead? Susie's looking at a boulder that just appeared on my forehead. But you know what I've noticed, though?

There used to be no mosquitoes in LA, and now there's mosquitoes in LA. Yeah, that's right. Global warming. I met him. His gay brother was one of my best friends. So we had references. You need references. Did you sleep with his gay brother ever?

No. No, I'm not attracted to gay men. I like a man who like, you know. Wants to be with women? Yeah, you know. You can always tell when a man is not into a woman's body I know I know it's really disappointing and I could

also tell when you know how men are supposed to be like butt men or boob men yeah I'm boobs I don't have a butt so when a man is a butt man with me I'm very confused because I think I'm like giving them this great present well you are look at them they're gorgeous they're real they're natural they're up they're ready to rumble but what's more interesting is that you are now a stepmother.

Yeah. I raised the kids. For how long did you raise them? Well, I mean, they were like, when I met them, they were 10, 12, 14, 15. You know, now they're adults. Now they're 30, 33, 35, 36, like that. You know, I had them for all those good teen years. Oh, man. I never wanted kids. I don't. I agree like that. I had them for all those good teen years. I never wanted kids. I don't. I agree with that. I never wanted kids. The thing about a relationship when you're a comedian is I think that men are intimidated by funny women. So you need a really secure guy. And you need a guy, like my husband, he just loves all the attention I get.

Like annoyingly so. That he like brags about me too much. Well, that's adorable. It's very cute. He's very, he's also cute. I'm also, you know, I'm only attracted to good looking guys. I know, I know. I have a history of, my history is all over the shop.

But I think that's also a good thing because I'm pretty open-minded.. I'll try anything for a little bit and then I'm like, oh no. But also, Chelsea, the paper thing, fuck the paper. What paper? Are they good on paper? That bullshit. Oh no, I don't pay attention to that. I pay attention to my feelings, my instincts. You have to be attracted in the beginning. Well, you can build attraction to someone. I wasn't attracted to my last long-term boyfriend in the beginning. And over time, we became friends and it just like hit me one day. And that has something, that was something that never happened to me because I believe that too, that you had to be instantly attracted. And I feel like that can develop when you have a very close friendship with someone. Although I prefer to be instantly attracted. Yeah. Well, but there's got to be

attraction when you sleep with them. Well, when you have sex with them, yes. But if you're hanging out with someone as a friend, it can develop into romantic feelings without having had slept together. That's probably true. It's never happened to me. Never happened to you. No. So when you met your husband, you knew he had kids. Your friends, I believe, were a little hesitant to even introduce you to him. Yeah, his brother was hesitant. But his brother's now husband, then boyfriend,

was a casting director. And he said, you're going to like this guy. And I thought, well, he's in casting. He knows how to do that, right? That's a good point. So I listened to him and I made sure to meet him. And then I thought he was so cute. And then I thought I was just going to have a fling with him because he had four kids and he lived upstate. And it was like, you know, he was totally horrible on paper, but I used to have a bit in my act where I would say, but you know, you can't fuck paper. No. So, you know, but so I just thought I was going to have a fling with him. And then I don't know what happened.

I guess I was time. It was I was ready for something different. So I raised kids. I know. That's amazing. I know. Teenage. Were they girls and boys?

Three girls and a boy. But like now I really like having an adult relationship with them. But the teenage thing and then we had a house in the suburbs and I don't know who I was, but then I was, I was still back and forth to LA and doing curb and doing standup and they gave me all new material. Yeah. That was the beauty of it. Yeah. Kids are really, they give you a lot. They do. I mean, they take a lot of energy and stamina. You know, when you're on the road, like I have a lot of friends, kids that I hang out with my ex boyfriends, kids, I'm very close with. Yeah. And when I have them with me traveling, you are forced to do way more than you would do on your own and pay more attention

and get up out of bed. But I could never have done toddlers and little kids. No. Oh, that's just diapers. No, no. Why did you never want to have kids I have never had the inclination I just am too I love my life and I just always saw myself as like this woman who was never going to be tethered to a man or to a child probably just a direct reaction to my own childhood because there were so many kids in our family six uh-huh and I was like either I'm going to do that or I'm going to do the opposite. Did you have good parents? Well, I mean, they meant well, you know, they weren't terrible, but they weren't ideal. Yeah. Well, ideal. What's ideal?

Exactly. There was a lot of love. My dad was Jewish. My mom was Mormon. So there was a lot of nonsense, but we had a pretty happy childhood. There was a lot of happiness, a lot of love in our family. We're very close. Speaking of families, though, I have to ask you about Bruce Springsteen and your scenes with him because that was so fucking funny with Bruce on Curb. You know, he was amazing. He is amazing. He was amazing. I mean, okay, he does write all his own- Bruce Springsteen we're talking about.

Yeah, he does write all his own songs and he did do a one-man show on Broadway. But he's never been in any kind of TV or film ever, he told me. He's never done something like this before. And he was incredibly relaxed. And as you know, we're all improvisers. No, he couldn't learn dialogue. He just had to sit there and he just picked it up so quickly. And it was, you know, you just never know how somebody who's not a comic is going to improvise. And he was great. And, you know, he said to me before I left, he said to me, can I take a selfie with you? I was like, no, Bruce, I don't take selfies. He was so humble. I know. He's so, I mean, have you seen him perform? Yes, of course. He's so fucking awesome to watch.

I saw him perform for the first time last summer, this past summer, in Oslo and then again in Hyde Park, like in two weeks apart. Yeah. And I will forever be. Hyde Park in London. Yes. Yeah. And I will forever be a Bruce Springsteen fan.

Yeah. That guy fucking plays for three hours and sometimes four hours. He's 74 years old. And he's not a youngster. I know people are talking about that who went to the Stones last weekend. They were saying they were like, you know, what are they in their 90s now? No, they're 80s. He's 80.

But they said they were like, you know, on stage forever and just energy. And I can't do that. Well, what is Mick Jagger? Mick Jagger is like a live carcass dancing around on the stage. I mean, have you ever seen a body that looks that frail that is able to move with such velocity? Dexterity? No, I haven't.

And not to mention the abuse of all those years of abuse. I know. They say they get drunk. I've heard multiple times that they get some sort of blood transfusion going. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the meds are, like, the medics are there. This is when the Eagles play, too. There's always

like their team of doctors just in case something, you know, they get like they pass out or whatever. But standups should have that. No kidding. I mean, we need something because we're traveling just as much. What's the longest show you've ever done? Probably like an hour and 40 minutes. That's long. But that's the longest. That's long. The difference is you're up there all by yourself. I mean, they got musicians and, you know, it's very different being a musician than a comic. But I also, we're not dancing, we're not singing, and we're not- Some comics are dancing and singing. I wish they wouldn't.

I wish they would stop as well. But dancing, singing, like, it's definitely easier to do stand-up. You're just up there. I don't think so, Chelsea. Really? I don't think so. I think you're, yes, physically you're up there standing with the mic in your hand. You know, I've never been one of these physical, you know, comics.

But I just think stand-up is so much harder than doing music because you got to get that laugh. And you're by yourself. When you go to like a cafe or something, you see a combo. People are talking and they're just singing. They you go to like a cafe or something, you see a combo. People are talking and they're just singing. They're all playing. They don't care. If that was up on and they're all talking, we can't handle that. No, no, you're absolutely right. And you got to get that laugh. What? Every 15, 20 seconds.

I was, I was on stage the other night at a show and I remember thinking, I can't believe I'm supposed to, I'm the only one here to entertain these people. Exactly. Like it's completely on my shoulders if this doesn't go well. I don't do it anymore. You don't? No. You don't do standup anymore? I didn't know that.

Yeah. Oh, why? Are you over it? Yeah. Really? It just stopped, you know, a lot of things. I think that I was too addicted to the killing and I got stale. And then I just wasn't that interested. It wasn't that creatively interesting.

And it's just, you know, I suffer from stage fright. It was just so hard. And if it wasn't creatively interesting, you know, my manager hates it because he's like, you can make a lot of money now. I know. I once quit stand-up and all they did, I mean, I took a break for like six years and all they did was my reps like, you need to go back on You're leaving money on the table. This is too much money to leave on the table. Exactly. And I was like, I don't have anything to say. I felt very similar

to what you were saying right now. Maybe it'll change, but that's how I feel right now. I think creative stuff comes in bursts. You know, I think we all have bursts of creativity when we feel really like passionate about doing stuff. And then there's a retreat, you know, a lot of times. I'm retreated right now. I get it. And I feel, I feel sad about it a little bit because there is something so great about it. Well, you're providing joy. Yeah. And the most nicest way to describe it is you are providing a joy and a reprieve for other people. And I feel like for me, when I went back to stand up, it was because I felt like I was helping. Do you know what I mean? I feel like for me, when I went back to stand up, it was because I felt like I was helping. Do you know what I mean? I used to think that, you know, all those nights when you

don't want to go on. And I remember standing backstage and I'm just like, all right, I'm going to go unclog some arteries now. You know, that would like get me going. But the thought of having not done it for like five, six years, the thought of getting back, how did you get back? I did a book. I wrote my last book and I did a speaking engagement tour where I had different celebrities and authors interview me on stage. Yeah, I love that. And then if you have a podium, it's a thing of beauty. Yes, yes. And while I did that, I just collected the material through the conversation for my standup. You know what I mean? That's smart. That's really smart. It was actually really a good way for me to get back in.

Because I also was scared to get back on stage. Of course, if you haven't been on stage for a while, it's scary. I'll do the evening with thing where somebody's in. I like that. Yeah, of course. You know, it's the onus is off you. Exactly. Yeah.

I want to go back to Curb because it's one of my favorite shows. And it's so fucking funny. And I love, I remember auditioning for Larry once when I was like 25 and I was so excited because improv is all I want to do. I love improv. I hate scripts. I hate, you know, it's so much easier just to fucking, like what you do on the show, which is go off on everyone.

You know what a pleasure it is that you don't have to lie in bed the night before and go over your lines and be nervous that you're not going to remember them because I'm horrible about it. And it's not just that you don't have to learn lines. It's that you get to be part of the creative process. I mean, you get to write your own material. Right. Which is what we do. Exactly.

And you've called Larry a genius. Yeah. You think he's a genius? I do. I do because when I read, you know, we have an outline, as you know, there's like a very detailed outline, you know, every paragraph correlates to a scene. And so you know what the scene is about. And when I read the outlines, I can't figure out how he did it. It's transcendent. And I have a comic brain. And I can't figure out how he did it. And it's just, he's a genius at story. He's a genius at story. Yeah, he's pretty interesting to talk to. Anytime I see him in public, he's always just very

interesting to listen to, you know, to ask questions to. Well, his brain works in a different way. And that's what I think is genius. And you've been on the show for 20 plus years. How long has it been? 24 years. 24 years. 12 seasons. Whoa. Yeah.

And you were a day player when you started. Yeah, I was a day player. So when did you start, when did you get a contract? Season eight. Whoa. Yeah. And you were a day player when you started. Yeah, I was a day player. So when did you get a contract? Season eight. Oh, God. Yeah. HBO? Yeah.

But you know what? I mean, I was guest star. I was like day scale for like the first three seasons. I made no money on that show for like the very beginning, but they made up for it. It's fine. Oh, they did. Because we can always sue them. No, no, no.

It's fine. Jews love to sue. They've been very good. It's fine. Oh, they did. Because we can always sue them. No, no, no. It's fine. They just love to sue. They've been very good. HBO is a great place. HBO treats their talent really well. And they've treated me in this last incarnation beautifully. I have no complaints about that. And so you guys just must sit on set and laugh your fucking asses off.

Yeah. You show up on set and there's all the people that I came up with in stand-up. I mean, Larry and John Heyman and Carol Leifer. Everybody's on set and there's all the people that I came up with in standup, you know, I mean, Larry and John Heyman and Carol Leifer and, you know, everybody's on set. I've been working with these people for 24 years or whatever. And we just laugh and Larry loves to laugh. And he just, you know, whenever he gets yelled at, he just gets the giggles. We just laugh all day. We laugh and we eat. It's the greatest job. And for me, I show up and I tell everybody to go fuck themselves. And then they love me for it. And then they give me money and

I go home. And you get to yell at, yes, you get to yell at Jeff Garlin. You get to yell at Larry Gator. It's a pleasure. It would be a pleasure for me as well. I'm very invidious of your situation. Yeah. That's exactly the kind of gig I would respect. You would love it. No script, outline, improvise, yell at people and go home. But also, it's like more than just yelling at people. There's story you have to push forward. And what Larry sets up with Jeff Schaefer, who's the EP who writes all the outlines with Larry and he directs almost all the episodes. It's a true situation comedy in the sense that they set up these situations that like in the beginning of the season, I read the outlines and I'm just like,

I can't believe what they have me doing this season. Oh, I have to have vaginal rejuvenation surgery this season. It's like the shit that they give me the funniest shit to do. And I just, it's like, I can't wait to get to set and act out these scenarios. You know, it's like whatever it is, you know, I guess I'm going to have to learn sign language. Yeah, I just read the outlines. It's like, I have a caftan business this season. Whatever it is, it's just they give me the funniest stuff to do. On that note, we're going to take a break and we're going to be right back to meet with some callers so Susie can dish out what she's so famous for.

No pressure to be a bitchers so Susie can dish out what she's so famous for. No pressure to be a bitch, though, Susie. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal?

The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us.. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really?

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you get your podcasts this week we're looking for relationship advice if you're having a problem in your relationship want to know how to do better or need chelsea to weigh in on whether you're right about something write into dear chelsea podcast at gmail.com. And we're back with Susie Essman. We are back. Katherine, what do we have going on? Well, we've got some women behaving badly. We've got some men behaving badly. So let's start with a workplace conundrum. Maria says, Dear Chelsea, I work at a small office with six other women. I'm struggling with this one issue that's come to light in the past few months. One of my colleagues, who's single, late 40s, beautiful woman, started dating this guy in his mid-50s who claims to be separated from his wife. The guy lives in a different city, and he and my coworker only see each

other every once in a while. Neither of them are on social media. At first, I was so happy for her, but as time went by, I started noticing that the only time she would see him was when he went to a conference. He would pay for all of her expenses, she'd have the best time, but a few of us in the office started wondering why she was never invited to his city to hang out with him at his place. Well, we know why. We know why. That's when my other colleague asked her what his last name was. I'm not proud to say we looked him up, and it didn't take us more than five minutes to find his adult daughter's Facebook where she had posted photos of the most recent family cruise where he seemed pretty cozy with his wife. We wanted to give him

the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe they have an amicable relationship and still vacation together post separation or maybe it's an open marriage. But if this is the case, then why wouldn't he just disclose this to my colleague? My is do i tell my friend i'm very much struggling to believe that she doesn't know about this because it took me so little time to find the photos online so i'm not sure i'm ready to tell her and confront the fact that she already knows and just agrees to continue to see him my gut feeling tells me to leave this alone because it's none of my business but as a feminist i find it very hard to ignore the fact that this man's actions are hurting his wife and honestly, my colleague, too, who clearly doesn't think she deserves an available partner. I'm a huge fan and would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Maria. I'll tell you what I think. Well, hold on. Maria's here. Hold your horses, Susie. Maria. Hi. The most beautiful sound I ever heard. suzy is chomping at the barrier

where are you there you are hi maria i understand your concerns but kill the messenger i would mind your own business i would tell her yeah you would i would I just, as a woman, this is my philosophy. I feel like since women are so fucked and men are always fucking us over, if we don't have each other to rely on for the truth, and I understand you are going to, it is troubling to be the messenger and she might be pissed at you, but I would want someone to tell me.

Yeah, but she doesn't know anything firsthand. She just knows what she found online, right, Maria? That's right tell me. Yeah, but she doesn't know anything firsthand. She just knows what she found online. Right, Maria? That's right. Yes. Yeah. So the girlfriend could find the same information online. Who goes out with somebody and doesn't Google them?

Well, lots of people actually. Well, they're dumb. Yeah, I don't Google people ever. Really? The less I know, the better. Otherwise, I'll find some ick to be like, forget it. I don't want to meet you. If I see a belt or the wrong shoe know or if I see them walk funny that's because you're a superficial

Chelsea yeah I mean it took me all of eight minutes to find this information you know like if she wanted to know if she wanted to know she could find out if you knew this personally like you knew the guy and knew the wife would be different to me but it's your it's her friend like I think you should tell your friend what you found and let her see it like yay I just want you to know this is what the situation is she's probably going to stay in the situation I mean but she might not she might know about it already do you think she might that's it that's my like and then it'd be super awkward for me to be like i don't know i'm struggling with telling her and her being like uh-huh and i'm like oh all right i guess we think differently about this you know can you anonymously tell her

oh there's a thought i mean we're a very small office i mean yeah split her a note you could get a fake email address and send her the link to his Facebook account or whatever you found from someone else. Right. Like from Susie Essman at Gmail dot com. Can you can you just like dig around and to figure out if she knows? Yeah. I mean, if she doesn't know, then she's kind of dumb. You know, I mean, from what you described, the red flags are all there, which is why you and your other co-workers are looking into this, correct?

That's right. That is correct. Yeah, and that's the thing, too. It's just the last conference they went to, there was a dinner, and she wasn't invited to the dinner. Of course she wasn't, because she's not the wife. I was just like, how do you not see this, you know? How old is she? She's 49, I think. No, 48. she's not the wife. You know, like, how do you not see this? You know? How old is she? She's 49, I think.

No, 48. She's not a kid. That's not good either. No. And you're right. Maybe she does know. Like, how close of a girlfriend is it? Is it a really close girlfriend or just like more of a work colleague friend?

No, she's just my colleague. We don't hang out. Oh, so maybe she's happy just to get laid every now and then and go to different conferences. I still think you should send her an anonymous link. Get a fake email address and send it to her. If she's not a really good friend, I think it's awkward to say something. I do too. That's why the anonymous thing is better.

Because she does deserve to know the truth. But you don't have to be the one giving it to her. That way you don't have to deal with any of the reverberations of that. True. And I don't want to make it awkward, awkward you know if she goes on and she knows i know and it's like every day walking into the office it would be i do wonder if there's some digging around the topic that you can do like where do you see your relationship going do you think you might marry him one day or that sort of thing right or is it just for fun at that age i think it's completely reasonable to say has he been married? Does he have kids?

I mean, the guy's like, what, in his 50s? Yeah, he is. And she knows he has kids. She knows he had a wife. He just says he's separated. Well, maybe he is. Who knows? I would go ahead with the anonymous email.

I think that's a great idea. And I'm going to start giving that advice to more people, actually. I think that's a really good idea. I hadn't thought about that. Yeah. I mean, a 49 year old woman, you're not dealing with a 22 year old girl. You're dealing with a woman that might be fine with her. It might be okay with her. That might be all she wants. You know, it's kind of nice not to have any full commitment to someone who has another family.

I just think about the wife though. Like I, you know, it's none of my business, but I know that's the thing. I feel like all women's business is all of our business. I know. We don't know the information. Maybe the wife can't stand him. Maybe the wife is fine with having him, living with him, but doesn't want to have sex with him. You know, who knows? Who knows?

They've been together a long time probably. You know, the heat doesn't last. No, the heat does not last. And social media lies too, right? The photos I've seen, they're like very cozy with each other. But social media is social media, right right the photos i've seen she like they're like very cozy with each other but social media social media right so well i don't know i mean that's not a lie necessarily i know if you're hugging someone in a photo i know and your other colleagues like co-workers are on the same page yeah okay well i think you do the anonymous email and then let us

know what happens let us know what the fallout is. I will, for sure. Use my initials, CH. Okay, bye. Maria, Maria. It's a lot of great Maria songs. Thank you so much. Bye, have a good...

Stop interrupting the caller, Susie. I mean, show some respect. Oh my God, the heat doesn't last. What do you do in your relationship to keep the fire burning? You just, you kind of, you make sure that you have sex. Well, also, you know, I'm a lady now. I'm post-menopausal. That changes things too.

But you make sure that you have dates and you make sure to make it happen. It's still enjoyable. It's just not like it was, you know, in the beginning. I know. That's why I'm always reluctant to spend a long period of time with a man when I'm sexually attracted to him because I know it will wane and I want to keep those juices going. Yeah. So I like three days on and then like two weeks off and then a vacation together.

I think that's good just in general. That keeps the fire burning. Right. Because once you're living with someone, it's over. But the important thing is to keep the familiarity with, to keep the intimacy without being overly familiar. You know, when you're overly familiar and then you're infantilized, you become mommy and daddy. And you're on the toilet talking to each other. Yeah, exactly. No. Right. You know, you have to keep a little mystery. You know, it's like if I'm not in the mood, all right, you know, I'll take a little

gummy and I'll make, I'll get in the mood and I'll enjoy myself. It's just not the way that it was. It's like pizza. Like, you know, I think David Tell says that all the time. It's like pizza, pussy Santa. Like all of those things are going to be good once you go into it. And who would know better than David Tell about relationships? Take relationship advice from David's help. Okay, what's next, Catherine? All right. Well, our next question is also a caller. And this question comes from Jess. Dear Chelsea, I just moved to Montana from Maryland. I randomly thought of the idea after Christmas when my dad and I got into a huge argument. I finally decided that I want nothing to do with him or my biological sister. They were some of the last I had a lot of friends since grade school, but now

I'm 31 and I feel like I just don't have the space to hold for tediousness. People just don't like an assertive female. I even cut off my therapist after one month because I felt like she was just a yes man. The thing is, everyone I've cut off are my closest friends and it feels like I hit a switch and suddenly gave no fucks about maintaining any friendships with them. My question for you is, am I the problem because I've cut so many people off? Or is this just a part of life? Is running away quietly across the country the right solution? Or do I need to find closure with everyone? I've always been the person in my relationships to step forward and ask to have the awkward conversations, but I'm kind of sick of being the bigger person and saying, I understand why you did this after

they explain themselves and say sorry. But having cut so many people off, I have to ask, am I actually the problem? Jess? It's an interesting one. Yeah. Hi, Jess. Hi, how are you? We're good. Hi, how are you? This is our special guest Susie today. Hi, Jess. Hi, Susie. Nice to meet you. How's Montana? Oh, today's like one of the first warm days, so I can't complain. Oh, nice. My girlfriend's in Montana. She just sent me a video of a rushing river. I was like, oh, she's on the set of Yellowstone. And I was like, oh, this looks like Yellowstone. Oh, nice. Montana's beautiful, minus all the Republicans. Yeah, exactly. So you moved from Maryland.

Okay, so give us some idea. What happened with your sister and your dad? Okay, sister and my dad. So my dad is pretty much a con artist. So sometimes he'll get his car stolen, quote, unquote, just to get the insurance money back. He's fallen in stores before. So those are like the bigger deals and my sister just chooses to ignore it. Some other things that my dad has done like on a smaller scale would be me coming home. I'm a massage therapist. So coming home from school

with all my books and him telling me that I'm not going to make it through school. And then when I bring it up in the future, he's like, I didn't say that. So pretty much like gaslighting. He was not encouraging. Not encouraging whatsoever. So I just didn't invite him to my graduation, things like that. And when I do bring things up to him, he pretends like he never said it. Not only that, I got a call from one of my friends saying that my dad was going around offering to suck a guy's penis at a work where a lot of my friends have worked at. Right. So like I brought it up to his attention. He denies the whole thing. Well, that I understand him denying to his daughter. Do you know that he's gay or you? Yeah. Yeah. He. Oh, he is gay is gay yeah but his partner passed away after 20 years um due to

an alcohol addiction and he's just kind of gone off the rails so he's emotionally unstable yeah you should your dad is a hot mess yeah yeah and my sister's excuse is that he's somewhere on the spectrum so he doesn't know any better well she might be right about that but that doesn't matter if it makes you feel uncomfortable right and like i like, I mean, at 50 years old, you should know better by now. You know? Well, I know a lot of 50 year olds who or 60 or 70 year olds who don't know better. But you know, I think the cutting off of the family is a little bit of a different issue than cutting off of the friends. Yeah. Talk to us about that. Like, why are you cutting off so many friendships? I'm cutting off my friendships. And a lot, a lot of them are my long term friendships,

because I feel like I'm giving, giving, giving. And then when I pull back, I don't get anything in return. Whether it's like materialistic, or like emotional support or anything like that. Some of them, I'm just like, you're effing stupid. You know, just how old are you? 3131. Okay, so yeah, that kind of and have you made some friends in Montana now? I've been here for about two months. And I've been mingling. I've gone out with a couple of people, but I'm kind of having a problem of trying to figure out what I want to accept as friendships and how much I want to give of myself to other people. You know, I mean, I remember a point in my life where anybody who made me feel icky, I just cut out. Yeah, that's right.

That wasn't everybody. You know, you get to a certain point in your life. And as you move along, and you change, and whether it's success or whatever, people start treating you a little bit differently, you know. But if you're cutting off, if it's like across the board, everybody, I think you need to look within a little bit. Yeah. And I've kept like a few close friends. But I have had like a big, broad spectrum of friends as well. Everyone always says just knows everyone. And so I've kind of been like that people pleaser of like, what do you need? And I think I've kind of like taken a step back to be like, well, what do I need? You know, and like, why are you guys not giving it to me? And so now I'm getting pissed off be like, well, what do I need? You know, and like, why are you guys not giving it

to me? And so now I'm getting pissed off that like, they aren't able to give me what I need. I think that's a very valid kind of place to be. But maybe you're going a little extreme. But maybe you need to maybe she needs to I think it's a question of, you know, when you're 31 years old, you are transitioning into a different decade of your life, and you are becoming more mature and you're becoming less tolerant. As we all know, as we age, we become less tolerant of the nonsense. You don't want to surround yourself with people that don't appreciate you or that are only taking from you. But do you like speak with a therapist? Do you have a therapist that you talk to about this? Yeah, that was another thing. I try to talk to two therapists. Oh yeah, you fired her

too, right? Yeah. Well, finding the right therapist is very difficult. It's very difficult to find the right person. Right, it is. That's true. Yeah. They might not have been the right people. So that's, you know, not necessarily on you. Yeah. But then that's where I am like, how do you start the therapy session without like spilling everything out? You know, like I've already done with you guys. Like, where do I hold back? Where do I give? Well, that's what therapy is for is to vomit out all of your that's what the person is sitting there to listen to. You tell them everything and then hopefully they can help you digest it and figure out a way forward. I understand what you're saying. There's been a lot of people that

I've nixed out of my life. There's a lot of people who've nixed me out of their lives. You know what I mean? Over the course of 40 years, 50 years almost, you know, that's happened a lot. I think you have to have a degree of self-awareness. And it sounds like you do because you're aware that you're cutting off these relationships. And you're asking the question. Yeah. Exactly. And so from two Jewish women who spent a lot of time in therapy, these are all good signs. These are signs of life. But I think it's good that you're questioning yourself i wouldn't beat yourself up but i would show grace to yourself while also showing it to the new people that you meet in your life when you're meeting someone or you're forming a friendship with someone

it's it's not a competition about who's giving more you know you're getting a sense of who a person is and over a period of time is when you really get to know somebody. So I would be graceful in your new relationships, knowing that you had a pattern of ending a lot of relationships or picking the wrong people to be close to you, right? Like moving into this new, you have a whole new like life now, right? You're in Montana, you just got there. This is exciting. And it's a whole new chance to paint like a great picture for yourself or a life. And I think you should show yourself grace and you should show everyone you meet grace and just be a little bit less, you know, like expectant of what you're getting in return. What your expectations are, you know, what your expectations are in a relationship.

And maybe you're expecting too much from people. And I also think that there's a big difference between friends and family. You know, family, you're stuck, that you don't choose them. You're friends, you choose. So, you know, if the family feels toxic to you in some way, I think it's okay to take a break from family. I do too. I really do. It's not easy. See, I was nervous because Chelsea normally says like your family is your family and like you have to work towards it. Well, not when your dad's offering to suck dick at a party. Like, no, that's not acceptable behavior. That is so awful to hear as a child that your father's trying to...

It's really inappropriate. Yeah, to my friends. Okay, so not only that, but then what do I do about my sister? Because now I feel like she kind of holds her children as currency in our relationship. So she doesn't reach out to me whatsoever. She waits until I reach out to her. She'll pay attention to my Instagram or my Snapchat stories. But other than that, she doesn't like anything.

She doesn't ask me how anything is. Sometimes you just need time though, Jess. Sometimes you just need time. You left two months ago. It's not a lot of time. And sometimes these relationships, I mean, I've taken breaks with different members of my family because I just had to. And sometimes you just need that. How long is a break for you? You don't have to put a timeframe on it. I think the most important thing to recognize is what Susie said is totally right. First of all, you're very good. You can tell that you're a mother, Susie. You're very good at, you drew a boundary. You moved to Montana. You got away from your family.

Your sister and your nieces and nephews aren't necessarily the problem that you're expressing that you have with your father. That's a different, you know, I mean, they're there. But I think you give that time and you just stay in communication for the sake of the children, obviously, and your relationship with your sister. And when she comes around, she comes around. But don't punish her. You know what I mean?

It's nice to just keep any line of communication open. If she's checking your stories and she's checking your Snapchat, she cares what you're doing. Right? Okay. Yeah, I think so. What do you think she's checking it for? I think she's spiteful. I think she doesn't agree with my lifestyle.

And she thinks that I'm very judgmental towards her lifestyle. What's her lifestyle? You know, feeding the babies candy right when they wake up in the morning and Gerber packets. That's not your problem, though. That's not your business. You can't be judgmental of that because you're not their parent. I also think that you should be careful about being too hard on yourself. Because what you've done is very brave. You've moved across the country on your own. You've cut ties with people that are hurtful to you. And it's not an easy thing. And I think the fact that you're asking the question, is it me or them, shows that you're evolved enough

to ask that question. Thank you. I agree. Like a narcissist, I was told this in therapy when I asked my therapist if I was a narcissist, that he said, typically, narcissists aren't looking for feedback. That's right. That's right. Well, right. That's like my question sometimes. Like, do I have like these narcissistic tendencies that make me push people away? Or? Well, you might, you know, that this is something that needs to be explored with a good therapist, I think. Yeah, you got to keep trying to find your new therapist. But I think asking all these questions is a very strong identifying factor that you are on the right track. You know what I mean? You're not just blowing through people and not thinking twice about it. You're

going, wow, I just lost a lot of friends or I cut off a lot of friends. Maybe I'm the problem, you know, and maybe maybe you are part of the problem. I'm sure you're an element of the problem. But who's to say that it is a problem? Maybe you're just getting rid of the fat in your life. And at 30, you're coming of age in a different way. And you're more discerning about who you're going to spend your time with and what you're looking for in friendships. And I think that's good. That's not a bad thing. And, but one thing I would be careful of, because I agree with everything that Chelsea just said, but one thing I would be careful of is expecting too much from people. And it sounds as though, I don't know about your mother, but it sounds as though your father was damaged in a way

that could not give you what you need. And maybe you're looking for that in other people. And that's not their job. Yeah, I agree with you 100%. That's not the job of a friend. So you have to be careful of what you expect from other people also. That's good advice. Yeah, thank you for that. Yeah, it's true because, you know, I've always been mad at my dad for like not being the quote unquote dad that he should be. But I mean, if you guys haven't caught on, he is gay and he had to be a gay parent. We caught on when you mentioned the dick sucking yeah

well who knows you know where's your mom where's your mom is she in the picture um she actually ran away from my father when we were toddlers yeah you, you have stuff there of abandonment and, and all this stuff. And you might, I don't know, I, but you might be expecting too much from your friends. Yeah. Because there's, there's the hole to fill, you know, and the only person who could fill that is you. The only person who can fill your hole is you. That is true. This is very true. It's an inside job. And then when you are full, you are full, you're not looking for people to show up in ways that you have been abandoned in the past or let down in the past. Because that's not anyone's responsibility but your own to kind of fix that. So I think you really have to be consistent or determined to find a good therapist.

And now that everything's on Zoom anyway, it's not like you have to find someone in Montana. You know what I mean? You could find someone anywhere in the world or in the country at the very least that you can do, you know, that you try and get a connection going with and someone you feel safe with and unpack all of this because it's a lot. Yeah. Okay. That's good advice too. And just keep it. It is like shopping. Yes. It's like shopping. Just stay at it. Once you find someone, it And just keep it. It is like shopping. Yes, it's like shopping. Just stay at it. Once you find someone, it'll be worth it. It's like finding your soulmate. Look at Susie.

She waited until she was 48 years old and then she got married to, or she got married at 53. You met him at 48 and he got married at 53. At 53 for the first time. But you know, with therapists also, I had several therapists that were not the right one until I found the right one.

And then she saved my life really because she was, you know, she was the right person. So it's important to find the right person. And how many sessions do you go with someone before you realize it's not working? Well, you know, I mean, it depends on how, in which way it's not working. Like there was one who was, she was lovely, but she was just, you know, and there was another who was hostile, who I ended very quickly. So it depends on how it's not working. And then I found, you know, and there was another who was hostile, who I ended very quickly. So it depends on how it's not working. And then I found, you know, a great woman who saved my life. Yeah, that's what I'm waiting for. I think I just get a little anxious. But just hearing your background, you need to be in therapy because there is early

damage there that needs to be looked at. Yeah. And a very common thing. I mean, you not only is your dad a disappointment, your mother abandoned you. Yeah. So there's a lot of abandonment going on there. So the lot of the things that you might be expecting from your friends as a combo of the abandonment and the you know, and the I mean, your poor father had to raise you alone, you know, which many women have to do, but that's hard, too. So he's, I'm sure struggling. It doesn't mean you have to hang out with him. And you know which many women have to do but that's hard too so he's I'm sure struggling it doesn't mean you have to hang out with him and you know but you have to understand that he has his own life too and he had to deal with something that wasn't planned and he's gay and he had to deal

with that being married you know it's at what age should he come out uh he came out before I was born and his father forced him to be with my mother who had already had my sister. Yeah. And it gets even messier from there. But like, we don't need to go into that. Yeah. So he's got his own stuff. He's got his own stuff. For sure. One of the things you start to realize as you get older is you start to see your parents as human beings and not just your parents. And everybody comes by their own shit, honestly, you know? Yeah, yeah. And I know this is I always joke around and say, if we've lived many lifetimes, this is his first. But as far as like my sister and I go, she thinks therapy is a joke. And if I've brought up therapy to her for a couple of different reasons and she gets really offended by

it. I've dealt with that with a sibling. Yeah. So how are you to go about like your relationship if they don't think that they could be helped? It's a problem. You're living in two different worlds really. And you could either just accept it. You're not going to change her. That is one thing I've learned also. You're not going to change anybody. So you could either just accept who she is and her belief system or stay away. Okay. The other thing is, I mean, she had the same mother and father, so she needs therapy also. Exactly. So, you know.

Right. But she chooses to ignore it. Yeah. I know. But that's a lot of people. That's also not your issue, your issue, you're focusing. I think one of the problems here, which is very common for all of us is you're outward focusing on other people, and what their shortcomings and their issues are. And really, the main issue is you and how you're going to be healthy, and how you're going to heal from all of this childhood stuff. Because it's a healing process. And until you get with the right person, that speeds up and expedites everything that you're talking about. I think you should work on your judgment because

you seem like you're judging a lot of people. So you got to stop that. And that's another thing you're going to learn in therapy. That's what I learned. I'm super fucking judgmental. I am so judgmental. If someone doesn't do, you know, people are sloppy drunk. I love alcohol. I mean, all I do is drink and smoke pot. But when somebody is sloppy, I have no tolerance for that. I'm like, no, no, no, no. And people are like, what are you talking about? You're a Miss Party animal.

I'm like, yeah, but I keep my fucking shit together. And I need you to keep your shit together. So I understand the judgment. And that is a work in progress. You really have to work on that with your therapist. But yeah, keep going. Thank you for calling. I think you're adorable. And you're brave for like Susie said, for moving to Montana. And this is a new beginning. It was just I want you to think of everything moving forward as a new,

fresh, positive beginning. Okay, I appreciate that. And when you catch yourself judging someone, just catch yourself and take a step back. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you, ladies. I appreciate all of you. Oh, thank you, honey. Take care. Good luck.

Bye-bye. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer.

We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend.

Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really, No Really.

Yeah, Really. No Really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, Susie just expired.

It's 316. Oh, yeah. We got a lesson to go. I know. We got to get her out because I was late to this episode. Soie just expired. It's 3.16. We gotta let Susie go. I know, we gotta get her out because I was late to this episode, so it's all my fault, listeners. But we had such a good time. I know, we had a great time. And we'll do it again.

It's really upsetting that you have to go, but you have to go to the airport. I do. You live here in New York? Yes, but I do have a thing called Zoom. Okay, well, no. I'm gonna come. We're gonna do it in person.

We're gonna do it again because you were great, by the way. I love giving advice. I love it. And have a safe flight. All right, goodbye. Try not to get monkey pox. Oh, God.

It's back. I'm wearing a mask. Okay, so upcoming shows that I have, you guys. Auckland, New Zealand. Wellington, New Zealand. Melbourne, Australia. Brisbane, Australia. Sydney, Australia.

We've added second shows to places that have sold out the first. And then I'm going to be in Hawaii on Maui, Kahului, and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July 27th. I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in Florida on July 28th. I'll be in Auburn, Washington on August 1st. And then Santa Rosa, California for my second show August 2nd. August 17th is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You do not want to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to St. Louis and Kansas City. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater on November 8th.

And I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December. So if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check ChelseaHandler.com for tickets. Okay. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. I'm Jason Alexander.

And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really No Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead.

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