Dear Chelsea - Sex, Love & Goop with Gwyneth Paltrow

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

Chelsea is joined by longtime friend Gwyneth Paltrow to discuss her new Netflix show Sex, Love & Goop. They cover what changes when you fall in love, finding the confidence to ask for what you want in bed, and what evolves when a partner becomes a spouse. A girlfriend wrestles with her boyfriend’s lack of performance in the bedroom. An unintentionally-celibate woman has trouble exploring her pleasure zones. And a bride-to-be wonders if her fiancés video game addiction is a deal-breaker.*Executive Producer Nick StumpfProduced by Catherine LawEdited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert*****The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, hello, everybody. Oh, it's Thursday or Friday, Saturday, Sunday. It doesn't matter what day it is that you're listening to this podcast, but it comes out every Thursday. And this is Dear Chelsea, and I'm Chelsea Hanchob. And this is my co-host, Katherine Law.

Hi, Katherine. Hi, everybody. Hi. So much to report. Yes. Oh, God. I had the best fucking weekend ever. You've been on tour like mad.

Oh, my God. It's been the best. I went to Albany, which was awesome. I went to Boston. I love Boston. Oh, my God. The theater was built in 1854 that I performed in in Boston, and it felt like it. I was sweating through my jumpsuit. I had to throw away my underwear after the show.

I walked off stage at the Orpheum Theater in Boston. First of all, one of the best crowds ever. I've had so many great crowds on this tour, and I just love performing in Boston because I'm an East Coaster, and I'm from the Vineyard, and I just, you know, all of those places feel like home to me. And I walked off stage and into what seemed like a prison shower at the Orpheum Theater just and I threw my underwear and my bra in the garbage. I just was like, these two have seen their too far gone. This is it. And and then I did two shows of The Beacon, which were epic because the first show I had Sarah Cooper, who, you know, that great girl who did all those Trump impersonations. Oh, my gosh. She's hysterical.

And then I had Amy Schumer and Sarah Silverman come in to do surprise sets, which was the crowd went nuts. nuts and my crowds I have to say everyone at my shows Saturday and Sunday at the Beacon all the comics that performed were like Chelsea you have the best crowds Amy said it Sarah said it I had Matteo Lane who's this incredible comic if you don't know him please try and find him on Instagram Matteo Lane he's so funny hopefully I'll have him when I announce more dates I had Rosebud Baker and then Sarah Cooper again Sunday night. My crowds are the best crowds, and they were in the best mood. And my family was there. I had so many friends there.

And we just crushed it. It was just one of those great weekends. So we just announced more tour dates in Canada and the Pacific Northwest. We're coming to Seattle. We're coming to Eugene and Portland and Winnipeg and Vancouver and Toronto and all of those places. So please look at ChelseaHandler.com for your tickets. And I'm going to bring Joe Coy to my Florida dates. Oh, that'd be fun.

So we will have some Joe Coy, Chelsea Handler duo action in Jacksonville. Jacksonville, Florida. And we're going to Orlando, Miami, and St. Petersburg. So please look at my website, buy your tickets. This tour has been awesome. I'm crushing it. And I usually don't say that about myself, but I'm going to because I fucking am.

Do it. And it's a message that everyone needs to hear right now. And my 30-day alcohol cleanse is over. You just finished? I'm a couple days shy. Oh, really? Because I started a few days after you. You were like four days in or something. How have you felt on it? Okay. I'm not. It was easy for the first couple weeks. And then once I got to New York City and I was I was staying in New York, like between my weekends where I go on the road and Joe goes on the road.

So we meet up the last two weeks we've met up in New York, going to New York and going out to restaurants was the most challenging for me because that's where I want a margarita. Right. I wanted a margarita, no salt. And I and that was very difficult. But Joe is so great because he doesn't care about drinking. So it didn't matter. So it was easy to be with him. So we started ordering non-alcoholic beers.

Oh, that's fine. And now I'm addicted to non-alcoholic beer. Klaus Tauler is my favorite. But I went into one place and they had the Heineken Zero and they handed it to us. And I was like jonesing. By the time, like the third day of non-alcoholic beer, once I was introduced to it, I was like, oh, wait. I was like, I need a non-alcoholic beer right now.

Joe, let's go. And he's like, oh my God, you I need a non-alcoholic beer right now. Joe, let's go. And he's like, oh my God, you're such a non-alcoholic alcoholic. And they served us a Heineken Zero and it was warm. Oh no, no, no, no. And I just, I said, we have to go right now. And I just left a hundred bucks on the table and we departed. I was like, I'm already struggling. So it was the last week that was the hardest. I broke it last night after my show at the Beacon. I went out with Matteo Lane and Alana Glazier from Broad City. She was at my show. Love her and Matteo and his friend, Dorian. And we had an Aperol Spritz at dinner. I've been feeling the same way. Like after week two, it was harder. And I kept sort of waiting for what everybody talks about. Like, and I just felt so inspired and wonderful and no hangovers and all this stuff. I kept waiting girls coming to different cities. And I think they think, like, it's going to be this party afterwards. We're going to go get fucked up. You're, like, not drinking.

And I was like, I go to my room and FaceTime with my boyfriend. And now that's my life. And I have no social skills without alcohol. Like, I mean, I do, but you have to. It's a hurdle. Like, going out without drinking is like, do I really want to do that to myself? I'd rather just go home and be by myself. So there's no pressure to socialize. And plus, when I'm starting my tours, I liked,

well, this tour, I wanted to be really focused. And I kept running into people that had done a 30 day cleanse, like my hairstylist, Ben Skirvin in New York. He was like, oh, I took January, sober January. And then it led to 10 more months. And I was like, oh, is that going to happen to me? Am I going to be a sneaky, sober person? And then I was like, no, no, you can't do that, Chelsea. Like that is not your personality. So I think it has to be cumulative. Like I think people get to a month and then they do another month and then you start to feel so incredible by like month three. I don't have that kind of time. Another thing that happened was that I was eating whatever the fuck I wanted to do or wanted to. And that was counteractive to

my no alcohol. Right. The one thing I did notice is that my skin and my face was tight, like is tight. It got tight and everyone was going, oh, my God, your skin is so incredible. That could also be because I'm in love. It could also be because I'm getting penetrated on a regular basis. But there is a definite component about, you know, alcohol does age you. That's not deniable. I mean, but yeah, I'm glad to be done with it. I'm going to have a drink tonight. We're going to go out to dinner with Joe and his son and his ex-wife and her friend. And I'm planning on having a stiff drink. Yeah, it's a night for a drink. Yeah.

And I think I'll just I think I'll probably taper off my drinking a little bit. I mean, it was already a lot less than I had been. But I do like being clear and on stage. I don't like having alcohol in my system or around when I'm performing. Yeah, I would imagine it sort of slows you down and makes you a little more sluggish on stage. Sluggish and also, yeah, like I like sharpness. I want to be quick and I want to be sharp and I want to know what the hell I'm doing so that I'm in complete control of the situation, right? So luckily at the tender age of 46, I've realized how to do stand-up.

What are you planning on having as your first drink? I think it's going to be champagne. But one of the other things that happened at some point during this experiment, like there was a night where I woke up in the morning and felt like I had a hangover. Like if I had had a drink the night before, I would have been like, wow, I got a hangover from one drink. That happened to me, too. Did it? Yeah. Every morning that I was on the road, I woke up and felt hungover.

Yes. And I'm like, this is very unfair because God forbid I was drinking. Well, how the fuck would I have felt? I wouldn't have been. And the schedules when you're when you're on the road, like you take four hour car drives. Yeah. It's a fucking racket. It's a grind.

You know, it takes a lot of energy to be on stage for an hour and a half or however long I do, usually like an hour, 10, 20 minutes. But it takes a lot. Then with alcohol just compounds the situation. Right. So I was like, oh, and if I feel hungover without alcohol, what is alcohol going to add to the mix? Yeah. So that's very frustrating. But I felt that way, too. Yeah. But I think it's going to be champagne. Champagne is the thing. OK. Yeah. Well, to enjoy that. I also don't want to minimize that people do have real struggles with alcohol. Clearly, we're joking about it, but I know a lot of our listeners have a lot of issues with substances. And so please don't, you know, I don't want you to feel disrespected or not heard.

I think having it be this easy to take a break is a reason to take a break from alcohol. If it is difficult to take a break, then you to take a break from alcohol. If it is difficult to take a break, then you probably have something to talk about, you know, and you should take a break if it feels like you can't. But I know that people sometimes have to take a break and sometimes they have to stop. So you and I are clearly just taking a break. And yeah, and that was honestly one of the things that motivated me to not quit in the middle is because I thought to myself, well, if I can't do 30 full days, then that means something to me. And maybe there is an issue with that because I enjoy drinking, but it was kind of a nice refresher to see how I function without it and kind of take the

temperature on that. Yeah. See how I function without it. Yeah, exactly. Because I said to Joe, I go, I have no social skills. He goes, honey, you can't say that if you don't drink, you have no social skills. I'm like, no, I haven't had social skills since the pandemic and not drinking is really making me realize it. But we all are lacking in social skills right now. You know, we're all just going to be a little weird. There's a lot of gaps in conversations where there were none before. Let's just put it that way. Yes, absolutely. And by the way,

you know what? I got so many DMs on Instagram of people who were joining us on the cleanse. I have that. They were like, you've inspired me

to take 30 days off. I got a girl that said she took 30 days off. She's moving on to another month because she feels so great. So to all of the people that DM me

who are listening to this, I see your messages and I'm really excited that we're able to kind of do this stuff together because it's so helpful to do something like this and know other people are doing it with you, you know? Yeah. Have you, has your husband done it too? He's sort of done it. That doesn't sound right. He drank a lot less. We'll put it that way. You know, our love runs deep. Yeah, your love runs deep. And even deeper now because you guys have been watching Sex, Love & Goo. Which brings us to our next guest. And she's a very exciting guest.

But we have to take an ad break. Oh, we'll be right back. Okay, sounds good. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor.

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Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging.

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bobblehead. It's called Really? No, Really? And you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, so I'm going to go ahead and introduce our guest for today, who is a dear friend of mine. I love her so much. She's an actress. She's an entrepreneur and CEO and founder of Goop. Gwyneth Paltrow. Her show is Sex, Love and Goop. It premieres Thursday, October 21st, which means you can catch it today. It's a new six-part series on Netflix, and I am very excited to introduce my

friend Gwyneth. Hello? Oh, oh, hello? Hello? Caller, go ahead. Caller? Caller, are you there? It's me, Chelsea. Caller, Esther, are you there? Chelsea? Is that you? We see you, baby. I see you. Can you see me? You look beautiful. Oh, honey, not as beautiful as you. Hi, hi, hi. Hi, where are you? I just got to LA. We're in a studio in LA. This is my co-host, Catherine. She's my producer on this podcast. She will be joining us. Hi, Catherine. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. Gwyneth, let's get right into it, okay? Yeah, do it. I would like to start

with, A, you just came out with a new vibrator that was very exciting for everybody to find out about because you've been at the forefront of celebrities embracing their sex lives and discussing all the kind of taboo subjects that everybody in our industry seems to be very shy about. So as I was reading this quote about you, it sounded a lot like a quote about me. It says, Gwyneth has always pushed uncomfortable topics forward and been an advocate for normalizing the conversation around female pleasure. And I thought, what a great thing to be an advocate for, female pleasure. And I know from our own friendship, forgive me when I call her Esther, listeners, I call Gwyneth Esther, and she calls me Yelsey, because we have a history together. And those are our nicknames from a long time ago. And I'm not really even sure why,

but we've stuck with it. I know why. Tell me why. Do you remember why? Yeah, but I'll tell you. Okay. Yeah. It sounds like an ex-boyfriend that I'm not supposed to mention. Anyway. Yeah. It's a double penetration ex-boyfriend we're not supposed to mention. But we have had very candid conversations about sex. You and I have. And I have to say, you know, growing up and knowing of Gwyneth and before I knew her personally, I had an idea about you and I had a not a judgment, I want to say, but I just't hate you. But I just definitely thought you were very patrician. That's the right word, right? Patrician. Which isn't to say that you aren't. But when I did get to know you, one of the things, the most endearing qualities about you is how open you are about sex and how open you are about everything, really. And I remember talking about our sex lives and we had a very kind of candid conversation with a bunch of people

around. And I just thought, oh, this is this is more freeing. And you were more free than I was at that point, which I thought, oh, how ironic. I'm known as this person who's outspoken and says everything. And yet you were so much more easily able to discuss kind of the the taboos of things like, you know, vibrators and different kinds of sex and what turns you on and what turns you off and all of the things that go into the melting pot of being so attracted to somebody and building on that attraction through trust and through kind of self-exploration and everything that encompasses being a whole more full person. Yeah. Would you say that you were always that way?

I think so. You know, I mean, I tend to be, I guess, a little more circumspect, but you know, like in public, but when I'm with my girlfriends, as you know, like, I just, I just want to go there. Like, I want to know what is in everybody's way. What are the friction points? Like, what is everybody up against? Can we peel off some layers of stuff? Like I'm so fascinated by what makes us all tick and the things that we're honest about and not honest about and what our blind spots are. And I, I think like the conversation around sex with your women friends, it's such a fascinating one because it's like this microcosm of their lives where like they think they're talking about sex, but they're talking about everything, right? They're talking about all insecurities or, you know, old patterns that come up, like it's all right there. And so I just find it like a really fascinating topic.

And when do you think that you came into your kind of sexual awareness? Like, when do you think, what age were you when you really started to understand yourself and your wants sexually? Because obviously it's a moving target for many of us. Exactly. Well, I think you said it perfectly. And I think it's still a moving target. And I think forever it's an exploration. And, you know, recently I've started to think, I don't know if you feel this way, but I feel like there's so much programming that happens implicitly from the time we're young, especially our generation about what good girls do and don't do. And so therefore, if you have a thought that's maybe outside the box, or if you want to do

something that's outside the box, I think you're conditioned to think there's something wrong with you or, you know, you're weird or whatever. And I think a couple of things, I think, first of all, I've had sort of chapters in my life where I've felt very close to myself sexually and like accepting of myself sexually. And then chapters of my life where I felt really far away from myself. And I don't know, I think the idea that like, I would just love it if we could all give ourselves the space to be like, well, let, you know, let me just explore what this, what, what this thought is or what this feels like, as opposed to constantly putting it in a context of like shame or it was bad. Cause I didn't get what I want or like it just like what if we started

to open up a little bit and talk about it's really hard like have you you know been with a partner and said well you're a different case because you're very forthright but I think to say like that doesn't feel good or I would really love it if you tried this like it's just really hard for women to know and I want to say that it's hard even for me to say everyone thinks that I have like no idea. It is hard for me to say, you know, I've recently been talking about blowjobs because that was something that I thought was degrading. I really did. I grew I went in high school. I had a guy the first time I tried to give a blowjob. He put his hand on the back of my head and I thought, get the fuck off of me like you are

never allowed to touch me again. And so for so many years, I was so kind of traumatized by that one incident that I thought blowjobs equated degradation like that was demoralizing. And and that wasn't that wasn't a girl that respected herself. And now that I'm in love with somebody, I want to give blowjobs to him. I want to put his hand on the back of my head. I'm like, yes, yes. Like I've never felt more inclined to want to put someone's penis in my mouth than I do with somebody that I deeply, deeply love. And I get it now. Pause to say, is this this is the same guy from summer? Yes. Yes. Joe Coy is his name. He's my game. He's my lover. I'm so psyched because I thought when we were having dinner this summer,

I was like, this really, this really sounds promising. Like you were talking about it. It's on baby. Never heard you talk about a dude. So this is great. It's on baby. And you're going to meet him at some point. And he, I cannot wait. He has given me because I, cause there is a deep love and a deep love and a deep respect. There is an intimacy there that I have never experienced before. So when you talk about saying to somebody, Hey, when they're rubbing the side of your labia instead of your clitoris, and we just sit there and pretend that that's acceptable and fake an orgasm, I've come to a point in my life where I'm like, no, honey, move your hand over here. This is where this is. And that level of intimacy where you can say to somebody,

hey, this is what I like. This is what I want to try. Let's try this is something that that is the definition of intimacy. I agree with you completely. And I just want to acknowledge that it is really a vulnerable conversation and a hard conversation for, I think, especially women to have and especially younger women, especially, you know, it's like you look around in this generation and the messages they're being told about. Sex and it's like they have to be fuckable and, you know, it's like I worry so much about the messages they're getting about who they're supposed to be sexually. So that's kind of like why I wanted to do the show so badly, because I thought it would be so nice to have some counter-programming to all of that, you know, and to show what happens in an intimate relationship when there are, when there are problems, when problems arise and, and the level of communication that's needed and

bravery, you know, to counteract some of that. I just get very disturbed by what I see in the popular culture in terms of what what a girl is supposed to look like and therefore be like. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. And I think that the new show you have coming out, which is on Netflix, I think it streams today, correct? Yes, it drops today. Okay, tree Davis comes out. It drips, it drip drops today. It's called Sex, Love and Goop. And this is an exploration of five couples that are seeking ways to be more intimate and have a stronger kind of sexual relationship, a stronger intimacy and a stronger understanding really of what it means to be there for your partner and what it means to ask for what you want, which is what we're all about because I think this applies to everything in a woman's life. Asking for what we want is sometimes the last thing we're able to do.

And so if you can apply this, I think it always starts at home. If you can apply it to your relationship, you're able to apply it to the world, you're able to apply it to your career, and so on and so on. And Catherine, you were telling me that you guys were watching it with your husband. I watched it with my husband. And one thing that I found so amazing was literally 10 minutes in, like 10 minutes in, we were pausing the show. We were like talking about things that we've never talked about and not just about sex, but about relationships. And and I mean, I learned

I've been with him for 16 years and I learned stuff about him I never knew. So it was this wonderful experience to watch together and discover new things about each other. It was really cool. I'm so happy about that. Yeah. Do you do you and Brad watch it together and discover new things about yourselves, Gwyneth? We haven't watched it together. He hasn't seen it yet. You know, it's like when you're editing a show and you're just in the computer with headphones on. But I'm looking forward to watching it with him.

I want to say like your relationship with each other has been so inspiring to watch because the two of you really had a really beautiful friendship that developed into a love ship and developed into a marriage. And for a long time, you guys didn't even live together. I'm still not even convinced you really do now because we do. But what do you think that added to your relationship by remaining independent but together? Well, it's interesting because the reason that we were together for a long time and we didn't live together and then we got married and we decided let's just wait another year before we move in. And the consciousness behind that was really like, let's just let the kids kind of settle into this energetic body of like a marriage and a family. And, and I think for that year,

it was funny because in the years before it was nice to have that time. It's like, Ooh, tonight is like my night with Brad. I'm so excited. And now tonight he's with his kids and oh my God, fun. I get to have a girl's dinner or I get to like drink wine in the bath and then dance around like a lunatic. Like, and I was like, this is great. This is so fun. Cause we get the best of both worlds. And then interestingly enough, once we got married, I really, really missed him. And, and it was like, it felt like, gosh, I really wish we lived. It felt like we should be living under the same roof. And so by the time he moved in, it was really, I had a lot of longing and I was so excited about it. Oh, that's so sweet. And he's so sweet, too. Yeah. Yeah, he's. Yeah, I think that's and also dating is so much sexier. Like the longer you can prolong that experience with somebody,

I think the sexier your relationship becomes. You know, I love to think of the idea when people ask me if I'm going to get married. I'm like, I would just like to be engaged for a really long time because I want to be with my boyfriend, not necessarily my husband. But that's those are my issues about what, you know, the construct of marriage and all that bullshit, which is irrelevant for this. But I will say, like, if you kind of take the modern version of marriage out of it or like the patriarchal version of marriage and it's like and you kind of go back to some other thing of like a real commitment to someone like something cool does happen. Yelsey. It's like this, it is like this entity that you guys create. It's this very cool thing. I mean, you know what I'm talking about because you've been married for 16 years, right?

Yeah. I think there is an energetic shift. You't expect with that. Like, yeah, we got married very young. And years later, when our friends started getting married, they were like, nothing's going to change. We've been living together. It's just a piece of paper. And every time there was a shift, and it was either for the better or for the worse. Like some people fought about things that they had never fought about or just had different expectations of each other. But there is some shift that happens. Yeah, because you're teaming up and it's a partnership, you know, and a lot of people, I think, also think that marriage is going to solve, you know, conversely, I think many people think marriage is going to solve a lot of the issues that they may have. So that's why this show is so well, it's always been timely, but timelier now, I think, because people are open, more open to having these kind of deeper, intimate conversations about what they're feeling. I forget the couple's name, but the woman who talks about unclenching in one of the episodes. And I was like, oh, my God, unclenching. I'm like, do I do that?

And I think I might. And how she said, I realize I've been clenched for so long and just had this incredible emotional experience through that. Yeah. She and her partner, there was Erica and Damon, I believe. And I mean, they both had these basically like touching the face of God experiences. I feel like the energetic orgasm that Damon had and her experience with unclenching and letting herself be freer and the body shame that went with some of the assumptions that she made about her body because of what partners had said in the past. And I mean, yeah, that's something that I think all women can relate to.

You know, I had a boyfriend who told me my boobs were too big. And then I went on a topless rampage for six years after we broke up to prove to myself that my boobs were just perfect and they were for me. But he had given me a complex about it for so long that I was like, by the time I got away from him, I'm like, freedom, you know, I should embrace these boobs. They're mine. They're natural. They're big and bountiful and I should love them. So, yeah, I think a lot of people shame us into thinking about our bodies. I know, Gwyneth, you and I have had this conversation about past boyfriends making comments about parts of our bodies and carrying it with you for so long and

what that does to our self-esteem and self-worth. Absolutely. And if you take that, which is, I think, the most painful because, you know, you're at your most vulnerable when you're in an intimate relationship with somebody. And if they take that opportunity to hurt you, even if they're joking, it cuts so deep in that context. And yeah, it's funny. Like I've had stuff that stayed with me for a really long time, like you little comments here and there. And that's what I love so much. There's one expert in the show named Amina, and she does this exercise with this woman where she disrobes and she kind of just like looks at her body naked. And it's this exercise in acceptance. I thought it was really powerful because I was like, oh my God, you know, the way that we look at our bodies through this insane under a microscopic lens of everything that's wrong. And I was like,

we have got to stop doing that. It's so, I think it hurts us in so many ways. You know, I think it, it, it affects how you comport yourself in the world, how you relate to yourself sexually. It's like, and then, you know, you take something like that and then you take social media and how we're all supposed to look. And it's like, by the end of the day, how can you feel good about yourself? Right. I said this on last week's podcast, but I was talking about Joe, my lover, and I was saying how I was in Mallorca and I was looking at my arms. I go, oh, honey, I think I have like cellulite on my arm now. What is going on? And he said, honey, cellulite is the sexiest thing in the world. That's what makes a woman a woman. And I'm like, oh, my God, I have

to write that fucking down. I mean, every woman needs to hear that. That is what makes a woman a woman. And I'm like, oh my God, I have to write that fucking down. I mean, every woman needs to hear that. That is what makes a woman a woman. On that note. That's yeah. Thank you. On that note, let's take some callers. So what people are going to call in, ask us some questions. We're going to give our best advice to them and help them. This is so fun. It's the best. It's such a fun podcast. I love it. Well, our first question comes from Mel in Vancouver. She's 34. She says, Dear Chelsea, I've been dating a tall, dark, and handsome Italian man for almost two years. He's 49 and I'm 34. Everything about him is great except one giant problem. I feel like he's the child I never wanted. He doesn't do anything for

himself. If I wasn't in his life, he would never do laundry or cook a meal. And because of this, our sex life is non-existent. In the beginning, it was okay. And now nothing. He's financially stable, has two great kids and wants all the same things I want out of life. But if he can't start taking care of me in the ways I need sexually and emotionally, I think I need to leave. I would say I would agree with that. You're not his housekeeper. I mean, that isn't fun or hot. So, I mean, that's going to take care of itself anyway, because as long as somebody's not turning you on or looking after you in a way that makes you feel cared for, you're going to lose your boner for that relationship.

Right. And I felt like this question was so similar to Rama and Felicitas, who are in Sex, Love and Goop, where he was blindsided when she all of a sudden was like, you know what, I think I want a divorce. And he didn't know anything was wrong. But they had this dynamic where he was childlike and she would sort of condescend to him. But he needed so much from her. It was just very uneven. Yeah. Yeah.

No reciprocity. I would say she's not she's not married and they they don't have kids. It's like the old adage when someone shows you who they are, believe them. It's like he's not going to all of a sudden one day start taking care of himself and her. And right. I mean, I don't I think it's unless I don't know if they've exhausted all possibilities and if they've had therapy and stuff like that. But that sounds like he needs to to resolve some things, needs to resolve some

things. And yeah, obviously, you want to explore the idea of talking to a professional who can help him understand that that's not a contributing factor to a great sex life or to a long-term relationship because you're playing a motherly role. And while that's fine in moments, it's not fine as your entire relationship. That's not your role. If you haven't gone to therapy, please try that first so that he can become a little bit more self-aware because maybe he just doesn't understand. And the only relationships he's been in were with his mother and then possibly a wife who did that for him. So you have to make it clear that this situation

is something that you're not going to be on board with. And then, you know, everyone is capable of change at a certain point in their lives. And love will do that to you. It will make you want to change. So I wouldn't say that there's no hope for him i would just say make sure that you find out quickly whether there is or not chelsea's more optimistic than i am yeah when it seems down about that sorry yeah

sorry caller anyway good luck and report back let us know what happens yes yes please our next question comes from rose she is a pharmacist. Oh, I'm a pharmacist. That's funny. I'm actually a pharmacological intuit. So that's different. Now, she was potentially going to come and call in and talk to us, but her almost husband decided that he did not want her to do that.

I actually asked him to join as well because I thought this would be a really beneficial conversation to have with the two of them. But here's her issue. Dear Chelsea, my husband, they're getting married this week actually. My husband has always played lots of video games. But he's turning 30 this year and I think it's time he shifted his priorities. He's been in dead-end jobs for the last 10 years and keeps saying he'll go back to school or learn new skills. I have a doctorate degree and a stable job. However, when it comes to taking action, he devotes almost 8 to 10 hours a day to playing video games.

I feel guilty making him spend time with me. And even when we spend time together, he's on his phone chatting or reading about video games. How do I get him to focus on our future more? Rose. Gwyneth, why don't you take the lead on this? I mean, I think that he's using video games as an excuse to avoid life and looking at himself and intimacy and just about everything. Like this is a real red flag. I mean, I would, somebody who is disengaging to this point and not meeting their partner's needs to this point and choosing not to be in a partnership over a video game.

I personally think like. If they're about to get married, I would crash in an emergency therapy session. Yeah, I would also like to say that not only is it this is several red flags, eight to nine hours a day playing video games to nine is an unacceptable way to spend your. And where does he work? Like, I don't understand who has time to play eight to nine hours of video games. I spoke with him. He's kind of like a like a gig worker type of thing. OK, well, that's great. But he has to develop some other interests that involve his potential wife. And if they're getting married this weekend, I mean, this is this is sad because, no, I don't think she should be getting married to somebody this weekend who she feels guilty to ask. She feels guilty when she asks him to spend time with her is heartbreaking. You should never feel that way about your partner and certainly not over video games.

But there's an addiction here, right? This is not just and certainly not over video games. But there's an addiction here, right? This is not just like I'm playing video games. He is. There is an addiction issue for sure. And people use addictive behavior as a way to anesthetize bad or sad or hard feelings like he needs to go and look at what he's trying to avoid feeling. Yeah. And he's probably not going to be very open to that conversation in his current state. So, I mean, I would hate to say something as dramatic as postponing the marriage, but I mean, in my, my instinct tells me that that's exactly what you should do because it sounds like you're going to be making a grave mistake without holding his feet to the fire before you marry him and allowing this behavior and moving into

a marriage while he's doing this is sanctioning that behavior and letting him think that that's okay. So what is her name? Rose. Rose. I really, I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and going through this, but I just want to tell you, it's not acceptable as a woman to another woman. This is not acceptable and you deserve a lot more. And when you hold hired standards, somebody will meet you there. I agree. period of time with someone and you get those special moments. And this just leaves me thinking, how do they have any level of intimacy when there's really no time in his life for her? Like, how do you keep an intimate relationship with that emotionally or sexually at all? Yeah, it's funny that you say that because I was talking to my friend about, you know,

ex-husbands and divorced dads and how they come in hot, you know, on the weekend and they want to make that time count. And it's like, you can't just do that. It doesn't work that way. You can't pop in and out like a pop-up. It has to be prolonged periods of time lead to those special, special, exactly what you said. And you said it beautifully. So I'll try not to butcher it any further. Fuck. Well, our next question, we do have a caller. This is Teresa. Teresa says, Dear Chelsea, I'm 26 and in my first real relationship. My boyfriend treats me right. He's so kind, funny, and thoughtful, respectful, and smart. I could really see him being the one. The only issue is, for the past three months, nearly every time we try to have sex, he goes soft right before we can actually have sex. I will say he's extremely talented in other

arenas, so much so that it hasn't really bothered me that we haven't fully had sex. But he gets super worked up and in his head about it, which just makes things worse. He lost a ton of weight during quarantine, and his body image issues are definitely contributing to the whole thing. I just don't know how to help without embarrassing him or making things worse. What do I do? Teresa. Hi, Teresa. Hi, so nice to meet you. Thank you for having me. Hi, Teresa. Hi, great to meet you. Nice to meet you too. This might be obvious, but has he tried Viagra or something like that? So he hasn't, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to kind of bring it up without it damaging his self-esteem more. Cause I know it's a very like tricky topic, especially for

guys. So I'm trying to figure out kind of like the best way to have that conversation and he would be open to it. I think. I mean, if he's feeling terrible about not being able to, it feels to me like it's a pretty easy conversation to have from that place, right? Like, Hey, this is happening. I can see how upset you are. Why don't we give this a try? Like what's the worst that can happen? Yeah. And I've mentioned that I'm open to it and like open to whatever he wants to try. I think he just needs like the push to do it, even though I've encouraged him to. So I don't know. Does he have any trauma in his past?

Has he explored at all why this might be happening? He's mentioned just kind of general self-esteem issues. So I think it's like since the first time when it didn't happen, like he kept getting in his head about it and then it just got worse and worse. Oh, he needs to break the cycle. He needs to pop a Viagra, right? Right, guys? Yeah. You know, this happens to so many people, by the way, just so you know, and just so he knows. And I know you're protecting his ego and you want to be careful with him, but you're a team, right? You're on his side. So it doesn't have to be emasculating and it doesn't have to take his manhood away to be like with him, but you're a team, right? You're on his side. So it doesn't have to be emasculating

and it doesn't have to take his manhood away to be like, okay, listen, we have a slight issue. Let's figure it out. Everything is workable. You obviously love him. He loves you. And I once got this shaky leg syndrome, right? Where all of a sudden my legs started shaking when I was on stage

and that had never happened to me. And I make a living by standing on stage and talking. So that was a real problem for me. And I started taking beta blockers and they said, OK, take them for three weeks and then you'll just change the neural pathways, the neural pathways in your brain. And you remember not to send that signal to your brain that you're nervous and that your leg is shaking. And that's how it's presenting itself. And once I cut that out, like, I've never had that problem again. This sounds analogous to that. Obviously, it's a separate issue, but it sounds kind of in the same ballpark.

There's probably plentiful antidotes to this situation, whether it's Viagra, whether it's therapy, whether it's him, you know, getting more comfortable with his body. I think the first and foremost, you just have to remind him in this conversation that there's nothing to be embarrassed about when it's concerning the two of you. You are a team, you love him, and you're going to be with him whether or not he could ever have sex again. Exactly. Yeah. It doesn't matter if he's so great in other areas, then it really doesn't matter. But he'll get past this. And he just has to be willing to kind of face it. Because before you can get past

anything, you have to face something. Yeah, I think he also doesn't realize how common it is. I feel like guys probably don't talk about it like the same way girls talk about things. Yeah, because why would they? Why would a guy be like, Hey, I lost my erection last night. Can you believe like, that's not something to brag about? You know, they're not on the smart list podcast with Will Arnett saying I got soft last night. No one is bragging about that. So you have to be sensitive to why men are, you know, are the way they are. And they are so insecure about stuff. They don't talk to each other about that stuff ever, ever. So I think it's just being more of a ballast of support. It's always just showing people that you're there for them when they're in their most insecure phases, which is what he's going through with his weight loss

that shifts, you know, your bio rhythm, your biology, all of that stuff is affected. So I wouldn't even think about this as a serious issue and I wouldn't treat it as a serious issue. You know, it's just something you guys are going to deal with together and figure out a way through. Yeah, I agree. And that's how I've kind of been treating it, too. I think for him, he was like worried about losing me over it, even though I've assured him a million times that like he's amazing and I love him and I wouldn't change anything else about him. So I'm very happy. That's really sweet. And, you know, we all have our things that make us wholly imperfect, right? It's like, we're all human beings. We all have problems.

We all have stuff. And it's like, if he's an amazing human being and this is the thing and you feel like you can get past it. And by the way, as Chelsea said, there is totally hope. That's amazing that you're able to prioritize who he is as a person over everything else. And he's good at other things. So I'm having a good time. Yeah, we got it. You like when he goes down on you. We got it. Loud and clear, honey. We got it. And we're happy for you. And he's lucky to have you.

Yes. Well, thank you. And Jo Koy is lucky to have you. I'm very happy for you, Chelsea. Oh, thanks, Teresa. Thank you so much. It's so nice. Thank you. Thank you. much. It's so nice. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, she's so cute. Yeah. This brings me back to like Darshana and Camille, who were a nice lesbian couple on Sex, Love and Goop. And what I thought was so interesting is that one of them had issues with penetration, which, you know, is so similar to this situation. But it came back to that religious trauma that she had gone through and the relaxation exercises they did, the like hands-on sexual therapy that they did really helped. But I mean, it truly for

her was it was all in her head and getting past that really opened up so many new avenues for them. And I think that's an important salient point to drive home for this series for Gwyneth, because it is we all, especially as women, are so in our heads about how, you know, think about hooking up with somebody for the first time or getting to know somebody and thinking about the way that you present your body or the positions you put yourself in to be more flattering or, you know, looking a certain way or, you know, we all look a little bit ugly at times when we're having sex. We look a little silly. We look a little ridiculous. And instead of eschewing that, it's better to lean in and embrace it and understand that we are human beings, that we are

going to look silly with our legs behind our ears, you know, or, you know, we are going to be in positions that are vulnerable, that make us feel like, you know, oh, my God, where is he going to see my belly fat? Is he going to see my cellulite? And as a woman, the more you embrace that, the more that you lean into it, the more sexualized you become and the more sexy sex becomes. Yep. Did you just climax? No. It sounded like that. It really makes me think of, again, my relationship with my husband because, to put it quickly, he and I have very different tastes in women. And it took me a long time to realize that, you know, I'm a curvy girl. He doesn't

like me despite my body type. He actually likes me because of my body type. And honestly, Instagram really helped with that. Following a lot of gorgeous women who look a lot like me and being like, wait, if she looks great in that bikini dress, whatever, it took a while. But I had to sort of recondition my brain to finally realize like, oh, that's actually what turns him on. That's what he's looking for in a partner. And well, I know, Esther, you've said this to me before that Brad always likes you like eight pounds up because Esther always thinks she's eight pounds up or seven. Is it seven or eight? She's always like, I'm eight pounds heavier than I'd like to be. And I'm always three pounds heavier

than I like to be. And my guy, Joe, is always like, I like put more weight on. He's like, I like a little extra meat on you. And I know Brad likes that. I'm going to too. He's like, I like that, you know, bulk up. That seems to be a theme here because mine does as well. So I think what we think, you know, we're always presenting ourselves almost for other women, not for our men, because if they had their druthers, we would all be a little beefier. They want something to hold on to. They like a little junk in our trunk. Wouldn't you agree, Esther? I think that's absolutely right.

I think that we as women look in the mirror like we have. I don't know how we arrived at this ridiculous idea or number or whatever, but we're like, oh, I like myself at X weight. And as you were saying, we need to, I think, just expand, you know, instead of looking at things through a punitive lens, like I'm not where I want to be. I don't look my best. It's like, what if we just like relax a little bit and open the spectrum of like what was beautiful for us? And because I do think a lot of a lot of men, you know, like us, however we come that day, you know what I mean? They're far more accepting of us than we are of our own

bodies. I know. And it's funny that we hold, you know, there is a new new movement that's been happening for the last couple of years with people like Ashley Graham, who are so body positive and who is a professional model, who is showing all of the flaws that we have on our body and showing the beauty of cellulite, of pregnancy, of all of, you know, the gorgeousness that is involved in that. And I think there's a new phase of body consciousness that people understand, you know, every type is sexy. And it sounds it can sound like a bunch of horseshit. But it's like when you really talk to people who are living in their bodies, and I know you you are always

living in your body because you're always doing something to help yourself. Are you still not? I saw Gwyneth this summer and she hadn't had a drink in like seven months. And that made me sad. I just oh, by the made me sad. I just, oh, by the way, Esther, I just finished a 30 day alcohol cleanse. Can you dig it? She's about to finish a 365 day alcohol cleanse. Oh my goodness. Oh my God. It's been, yeah, it's been a long year of no, barely any alcohol. I mean, I've had a sip here and there, but very rarely. But how is that affecting you? Are you happy about that? Do you feel great or do you feel? You know me, I love a drink and I love the ritual of it. And I love to sit down and have one and chat. And I love the taste of alcohol. Like I'm I love whiskey and wine and whatever vodka like I'll take it all. But I think what happened was it was, it was just,

you know, having gotten COVID and having felt like shit, but like having had long COVID stuff for a while. And I just wasn't, I just didn't feel vibrant. I didn't feel good. And I had really high inflammation levels. And the doctor was like, look, you really need to clean up your act. Like you got to at least for three months, no alcohol, no grains, no sugar, you know, nothing processed, everything like that. And so I kind of begrudgingly did it. And then I just started to feel so good. And I don't know, I'm not going to do it forever, but I think 2021 has been about like me trying to value my health and wellness a little bit more because especially during COVID, I was just like eating whatever, drinking, you know,

seven nights a week. And it's been really interesting. And I like, I sleep so much better with no alcohol. It's wild. Like I have this aura ring and it tracks like your heart rate and how well you sleep. And it's like, if I have two sips of wine, like on Saturday and it was someone's birthday and I toasted and I had two sips of wine and like, I slept like shit. So I don't know. We'll see. Yeah, I know. That's what I thought. I was like, oh, I'm going to do

30 days of no alcohol. And I was like, oh no, what if I become one of those sober people? Because people always go, I did 30 days and I felt so good. So I did 60. So I made sure a day 30. I'm like, get me an Aperol Spritz, right? Stack because I don't want to be sober. But thank God because you not drinking. It's like I don't even know what that means.

Our last question comes from Sydney. And this ties right into some of the things you have going on at Goop right now. Dear Chelsea, I'm 24 years old and I haven't had sex in three years. Sydney. And this ties right into some of the things you have going on at Goop right now, Gwyneth. Dear Chelsea, I'm 24 years old and I haven't had sex in three years. I'd be totally fine with that if I knew how to masturbate, but I don't. Nor have I ever had an orgasm. My parents were open and encouraging when it came to our sexuality, but for some reason, I've never been able to overcome the mental hurdles. I would try the casual hookup, but I'm terrible at dating, and my last sexual encounter was a bit traumatic and has taken me a lot of time to process. At this point, the most stimulation I get is from that cheesy show,

Sex Life. What do I do? Thank you, Sydney. What do you think, Esther? First of all, I think there's a lot of pressure around orgasm and dating and Jaya, who's one of the experts on the show kind of talks about a spectrum of orgasms and a spectrum of pleasure. And that sometimes, you know, we have this in our mind, it's like this high stake situation. And are we going to be able to orgasm or not? And I think if Sydney starts to just explore what feels good to her, you know, it doesn't have to be straight to the genitals. It's like, what is she like? What feels good? Like, you know, she, I think she should try to understand her body and be totally accepting of what feels right to her. And what turns her on,

you know, think of the things that turn you on. Exactly. For a total beginner like that, would you recommend like a toy, like a vibrator or just kind of experimenting on her own? I think that a vibrator can't hurt because it's good to just explore what, you know, what your options are and see what's out there. I mean, vibrators are popular for a reason. You know, a lot of women get a lot of pleasure from that. People have very sensitive nipples. People have very sensitive backs of their neck. People have sensitive areas. You kind of have to find out what your zone is,

where you feel like you're being turned on. What do you see that turns you on? Is it a man? Is it a woman? Is it gay porn? Is it straight porn? Is it porn? Is it a love story? You just have to find out where like, you know, your erogenous zones are a and what kind of makes you get those feelings is a good place to start. And she did mention that she had trauma in her past. And that is obviously something that needs to be extinct, explored and then extinguished for her to feel free enough sexually to relax enough to find out what does give her pleasure because there is a relaxing component that you need to have it's like when you hook

up with somebody in the beginning I know for myself it was very hard to have sex with people I didn't have relationships with and allow and and and and come to orgasm like I wouldn't feel comfortable enough I could have sex with them, but I wasn't going to relax enough and show them the way and this is what I like and I want you to do this to my boob or whatever. I didn't feel comfortable enough with somebody to do that. So you do have to relax and have an understanding of your own body and a comfort level. And if there is trauma that's unresolved, then that is going to contribute to that kind of stall. I agree with that.

Absolutely. And after that, I think we can all go finger blast ourselves. Yeah. I mean, that's the takeaway. Problem solved, as usual. Problem solved. You've come to the best. I'm happy to send Sydney a group vibrator.

Oh, let's do that, please. Let's send her. Let's make sure we coordinate that, Catherine. Let's send her a care package. Yeah, let's do that, please. Let's send her. Let's make sure we coordinate that, Catherine. Let's send her a care package. Yeah, let's send her. Exactly. That's perfect. We'll do.

Gwyneth to the rescue, as usual. Yes. Per usualmente. I think we actually should take a quick break. Oh, okay. We'll go to some ads. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden.

And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us

the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too?

Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening?

Really? No, really? Yeah. No, really? Go to really, no, really.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called really, no, really. And you can find it on the I heart radio app on Apple podcasts or wherever you get your

podcasts. So one thing we've been doing recently is our guests are actually asking Chelsea for advice. So Gwyneth, is there anything that you'd like to ask Chelsea? Yes, this is my favorite part of the show. So I need you to take it very seriously, Esther. I would love to ask, what are the practices that you put in place to finally get over the hurdle of your intimacy stuff and really accept Joe wholeheartedly and deeply into your heart? Well, I spent a lot of time in therapy, like two years, and then I did it full throttle because I didn't want to do it long term. I wanted to do it and get to the root of the matter. And of course, I'll go back when issues arise, but I didn't want it to be a long term thing.

And I remember somebody saying, you know, when you get healthy, you attract a healthy. And I always thought, OK, what do I have to do to get healthy? And the first thing was really digging deep into, you know, discovering yourself and what your what your issues are, why you behave the way you do, why I had so many guardrails up. And once you unpack that, if somebody had said, OK, in six years, you're going to meet the love of your life. I would be like, OK, just blow my brains out. That's too long. You know, if somebody had said, but that's really how long it took, because it's the practice of going to therapy, then it's the practice of taking what you learned in therapy and absorbing it and then applying it to your life, which is a daily practice.

And I now am just a much healthier, emotionally healthier person. I meditate every morning. I meditate on my grounding mat every morning. I am a positive light instead of, I don't like if anyone is negative or anyone is bitching or gossiping, I no longer have any frequency for that. I just immediately am turned off by that. And I walk in the other direction. And my habits have changed.

And when you are light and love, then it just bounces right back at you. And for me to see his light and love, which was around me for 15 years in my face, I did not see it. And it was sitting right in front of me. And he wouldn't have it. And I go, I can't believe we've wasted 15 years in my face. I did not see it. And it was sitting right in front of me. And he wouldn't have it. And I go, I can't believe we've wasted 15 years. He goes, honey, we didn't waste 15 years. He goes, this is the best it's ever going to be. The timing is perfect.

I could have been five more years and I would have been happy to have you then. Like, so I just, I mean, I can't say it enough. Like when you do the work to make yourself the best version of yourself, which is an ongoing process, as we all know, it attracts the best. And then you're able to see with a clearer lens all of the things that you were missing, like how green the trees are, you know, and how beautiful it is to walk on the beach. And all of the little things that I thought were corny to think about or mention are beautiful to me now.

You know, I look at the moon. I stare at it. I'm like, that me now. You know, I look at the moon, I stare at it. I'm like, that is magnificent. You know, I look at the trees. I'm like, look at nature. Like everything is beautiful. So yeah, I feel very healed. Not like I'm fully cooked or done, but I feel like I'm in the process of healing and being in love is the most healing thing I could have ever asked for. My God, I'm like crying. I'm so happy for you. Aw, thanks, honey. Thanks, Esther.

I'm so happy for you too. You have that kind of love too. We've been praying for this for you for a long time. It's so, I can't believe how beautiful that was. Oh, you're so sweet to be crying. Esther's crying, everyone, and you're moving me. I love you. I love you, honey. I love you so much me. I love you. I love you, honey.

I love you so much. I love you too. And I'll be your neighbor in about a year once I'm done renovating my house. I can't wait to get you in the neighborhood. Exciting times, honey. Ladies, this was so wonderful. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. And everyone can tune in to Sex, Love & Goop. It streams today. Netflix, watch it. Watch it. You're going to have better sex with your partners. Everybody is going to be healed. Thank you. Oh my God. Thank you so much. Bye.

Okay. Bye, guys. Thanks a million. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you?

We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.