Dear Chelsea - Sleeping with Your Coworkers with Lauren Lapkus
Episode Date: October 31, 2024 Lauren Lapkus joins Chelsea to talk about the emotions motherhood has brought out in her, how she feels about the paranormal, and how she met her husband…at work. Then: A friends-with-benefits si...tuation goes south. A widowed mom wonders if she should see a medium. And one half of a partnership decides they want kids after all. * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaPodcast@gmail.com * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Hi, Katherine.
Hi, Chelsea.
Hi. Today is Halloween. It's my sister's birthday. Oh, really? My sister Shoshana's birthday is today, Katherine. Hi, Chelsea. Hi. Today is Halloween.
It's my sister's birthday.
Oh, really?
My sister Shoshana's birthday is today, yes.
Oh my gosh, I have a brother-in-law who's a Halloween baby.
Happy birthday to all the Halloween babies.
And it's maybe not your favorite holiday.
I'm not into Halloween.
I don't really like costumes.
See, I do, which is why, you know. Which is exactly,
yeah. I would expect that you would like costumes because we're pretty opposite on everything.
Yeah, except for both being a Pisces. Yeah, we're both Pisces, but a lot of people like Halloween.
I mean, I'm always amazed that people are so into it, as adults too. Yeah. See, I just love doing a
detailed outfit and makeup look, like all that jazz.
I can't be bothered with any of that.
I'm just going to get penetrated and stay indoors.
Oh, that sounds lovely, actually.
I'm going to order in outdoor penetration and have that for the evening.
That's fantastic.
And my nephew, I believe, arrives tonight.
Tonight is Halloween.
Those two things are very separate.
Well, I won't be getting penetrated by my nephew, but I want to make sure that they don't
get the idea to come out and stay with me too often. This is the one that didn't leave before.
Oh, so obviously, if they hear me in the bedroom having a really good time, which I would never
allow to happen. I just want everyone to know that I would not that I wouldn't allow it. I would
never want that to happen. But it could happen. Okay. All right. And that'll set him straight. He's warned.
Fair warning.
Yeah.
So did you hear that, Jakey?
Welcome home.
Our guest today is perfect for Halloween because her new podcast, which is called Haunting,
explores paranormal experiences told by those who experience them.
And she also stars in The Wrong Miss C on Netflix, and as well as she has a new film
coming out called Another Happy Day.
Please welcome Lauren Lapkus.
Hi, Pikachu.
How are you?
Oh, my God. Long time no see, honey bunny.
I know. So nice to see you.
How are you? You're a mother. You're a...
Oh, my God. You're so many things now.
I know. A lot has changed.
A lot has changed.
To give you background about Lauren and I,
the first time we met, right, was on that show
that they created. It was on NBC. It was based on one of my books. Are you there, Vodka? It's me,
Chelsea, maybe. And Lauren was one of the cast members with Laura Prepon, Ali Wong.
And Ali Wong, yes.
And then what is, I feel bad that I don't remember his name.
Lenny Clark. Lenny, yes. Yes. And Ali Wong, yes. And then what is, I feel bad that I don't remember his name. Lenny Clark.
Lenny, yes.
Yes.
The hot one, right?
Oh, no.
That was the dad.
Oh, no.
Lenny's not hot.
Sorry.
I take that back.
He's not the hot one.
Jake McDormand.
Jake, yeah.
But Jake's in a lot of stuff now, too.
He is, yeah.
I always see him and I'm always like, that guy looks really familiar.
And then I have to remember, yeah, he was on the show with you.
Idiot. That was a very short-lived show. It was on for one season and that was it. So we only
got to spend a short amount of time together, but I love seeing you and all of the things that I get
to see you in and I can't. Oh, thank you. Yes. And you're so wait, you just had a baby six months
ago, right? Your second baby. Yes. So you have two girls. I have two girls. Yeah. How does it feel
to be a mother of women? It's great. It's great. But I mean, I love it. I love girls. I have two girls. Yeah. How does it feel to be a mother of women? It's great. It's
great. But I mean, I love it. I love girls. I was hoping for girls. Were you happy? Yeah. Yeah.
I always find that my girliest friends have boys. Yes. And if you're not too girly and you're
girly, but you're not, you're not overly girly. Yeah. I would agree with that. Yeah. You have
girls and yeah. And I like that. I like that dynamic. I like what that does to people because it really throws people off their game.
It's true. It's true. As if parenting isn't hard enough,
then you have to parent the sex that you weren't hoping to have.
Yeah, it's crazy. It's a lot. But I'm coming out of my like postpartum hole.
Were you? Did you have postpartum? No, I just mean like my literal like postpartum hole were you did you have postpartum no I just mean like my
literal like postpartum time but I didn't have postpartum depression but coming out of the like
you know that period of feeling like what is everything like my body's crazy I'm starting
to feel like myself more so yeah I don't know how anyone has children I really don't understand how
people are able to manage all of the things in life and then then raise children. I am in awe of every woman.
I think I was talking about this, my friend who has four kids.
I'm like, I don't understand how anything gets done in your life.
Like, how do you manage four kids?
She's like, Chelsea, it just happens, and then you do it.
I know, but I literally, I used to think, like, four sounded amazing.
But, like, having one is really hard, and then having two is actually harder, and it's crazy. crazy. There's just no time to like sit down and think about anything for even a second. So
it's a lot. But I recently hired a nanny and that's changed my whole entire life because now
I can like, you know, do this without feeling like I'm split between five things at once.
It's so weird that I have a nanny and I don't have any children.
Speaking of podcasts, Lauren has a new podcast.
Tell us all about it.
I do.
It's called Haunting.
It's on iHeart.
And I play a dead influencer named Teresa who has, she's stuck between heaven and hell
because she hasn't gotten verified yet.
So it's like a hybrid scripted and unscripted podcast.
So my portions are scripted part
where I'm this dead influencer.
And then we hear real
ghost stories from people who are calling in and sharing their truth. And are you big into ghost
stories? I am, but I'm also very scared. I get very scared very easily. And I get scared of like
scary movies. So it's a little ironic. But I mean, do you have any ghost stories? Do you believe in
ghosts? I mean, I'm not I don't disbelieve in ghosts. I dated a guy that had a house that was
definitely there were ghosts in the house. I could feel them. I could hear them. I couldn't see them. But I could feel the presence. But most of the places I think I have a frequency that. You know what I mean? Yeah. I feel like I've like looked at Zillow and seen a house that gave me chills. Like, it's just like nothing even is like
weird about it. It's just like, oh, something's wrong. Something's wrong there. Right. Bad vibes.
Yeah. If there's a bad vibe in a place, I'm usually out of there pretty quickly.
I don't know why we associate ghosts as being bad, because I bet there are some good ghosts,
right? Like, what's the theory behind why ghosts are even around? Because they're in the middle
of crossing over or what? Yeah. or they have unfinished business is I guess what
people always say. But it does seem weird when you think about it, because literally every inch of
earth would have a bunch of ghosts on it. You know what I mean? If it was all just like people who
died and right still hanging around. It's just if I don't know, it's hard to it's hard to know.
Maybe there's certain environments
where they are more prone to come out.
Yeah, I mean, like ghost hunter people
go to those special places
where I guess there's more vibes.
They're all hanging out,
waiting in like an old abandoned psych ward or something.
That's what I want for you.
Once the kids are old enough,
I want you to become a permanent professional ghost hunter.
That's my real goal. That's my passion. That's what I'm excited about. And I'm going to do that. So yeah,
great. Excellent. And now wait, you have a new movie coming out also, which you which is it's
not it's a comedy, but you are very dramatic in it, right? It's the most dramatic role you've
played, I think so far. Yeah, yeah, I think so. It's called Another Happy Day,
and it's a movie about postpartum depression.
So it's a comedy.
It's fighting the absurdity
and those, like, really dark, hard things
that people experience.
So it's definitely like, it's not like slapstick,
but it's, you know, there's comedy.
It's different from other stuff I've done.
And I read that she, the director,
had a daycare on set,
and even though it was an indie film, you guys were taken And I read that she, the director had a daycare on set and it was,
and even though it was an indie film,
they had,
you guys were taken care of so that everyone could bring their children.
It was amazing.
She made it a priority to have eight hour work days.
So we weren't shooting for like typical movie hours of like 12 to 15 hour
days.
And she provided childcare to people who needed it.
And it was,
it was very,
it felt like a very supportive environment for parents.
And also just for anyone who was not a parent, it was great because you were done at five
o'clock every day and it was like normal.
So people really appreciated that.
There was, it was just a very happy set.
Yeah.
Well, when people are, yeah, when you have help with your children, people seem to get
much happier.
It would be nice if our country could take on that responsibility.
I know.
It's so interesting when people like think that's a bad idea.
I don't get it.
Have you had any, like, I want to ask you personal questions about parenting and motherhood.
What was your biggest meltdown as a mother that threw you for a loop-de-loop?
Yeah. I mean, I think I reach one every few months of just hitting an actual breaking point.
I mean, most recently, so I have a six I have a six month old and a three year old. And so much of it has to do with not sleeping. It's just like the
terrible feelings that come from not sleeping that like, I reached a total breaking point where
everything was just making me cry. And then I immediately downloaded this like sleep training
app thing or like program called taking care of babies. This woman who like tells you how to like
make your baby go to sleep. And it was, mean it has changed everything so i have to say it was
worth doing but it's like that breakdown moment of like i'm just gonna buy the thing it's 250
dollars i don't care i'm just gonna buy this right now i don't even know what this is like let's just
go um because you can't function in your own home and get anything done the sleep deprivation seems
to be the biggest issue because it's so funny i was out with my friends the the other night and I was with Karen and Molly and Karen was like, you know,
she just got her baby to sleep through the night. And she was saying, I was like, it's so funny that
you, you have a baby. You're so in love with this baby. All you want to do is like, you know,
love on this baby and, you know, see it grow and take every picture you can possibly take.
And like, and then when you're fucking tired you're like go the fuck to sleep like I can't love you in the middle of the night also I mean
I know well my personality really does go out the window it is like I think with my three-year-old
she's she's delightful like the funniest person ever but like the bedtime thing of like I finally
got the baby down and then she wants to just like make me do every single thing I'm like singing
and dancing in her room for like a full hour like I have a routine that I do that involves four songs
and I have to repeat them as many times as she says and it's crazy there's a song called the
lovey song where we just list every single person that we can think of and say we love them and
that's cute yeah I mean then twinkle twinkle and ABC's I sing over and over again and then she
likes to do a mashup where she sings one and I sing the other because they have the same melody.
And she just thinks that's delightful.
And she's like, it's the same song.
I mean, it's kind of smart for a three-year-old, but I'm usually at my breaking point.
I think they catch wind after a while.
Or catch wind or whatever.
After a while, this is the go-to-bed song.
And then they stop wanting to hear that song.
They're like, I know what you're up to. Everyone I know who has two kids says that like
two is more than twice as hard as one. Do you find that to be true? I think so. I think like
there's one like one thing that I found surprising was that I feel like it's easier in some sense
because I'm not as like stressed. Like I feel like I get how it's going to go. It's not as
abstract that she's going to grow up
into like a really fun person
who like will talk and be great.
So like all of that makes it easier
because the first time you're like
just going through every day,
like how will it ever be different than it is right now?
It feels like this is forever.
But what's hard is like just doing two things at once
because they're on totally different pages
with what they need.
And one of them can tell you what they need
and one just cries. So it's, yeah, I think that's where it gets really hard. And one of them can tell you what they need and one just cries. So
it's, yeah, I think that's where it gets really hard. And those moments where it gets really
overwhelming are when both of them are needing something at the same time and you feel like you
can't do everything. And that's always a sad feeling. Can't you just get the little one a
tutor so she can start communicating more quickly? I think that is what I need to do. Yeah.
That's why you're here today, Lauren. I have all the answers.
Thank you.
Tell me about like, if you can, I would love to hear about one of your most joyful experiences
you've had since becoming a mother.
Oh my God. So many. I feel like it's the happiest I've ever been. I really feel,
I could, I honestly could cry right now. I feel very fulfilled by being a mom and I love it so
much. And I think the happiest is like really just watching both of them and like
looking at how they're developing and how their personalities are developing.
And my older one,
like the,
when the more she can articulate herself and say her full thoughts,
like I'm just in awe of it.
I just,
every,
it's so beautiful.
Like truly every day I,
I watch her for at least a few moments where I'm just going like,
wow, I can't believe you're this person who has all these feelings. And then I'll think about her
getting older and how and that will make me really excited, but also make me want to cry and or her
being like 30 or something. It's just like such a fleeting period. I think time just moves so
differently watching someone age because you're like you were just a baby like that's only been
a couple of years and now you're this person with all these, you know, desires and you're so funny. And
the idea of her like growing up and, you know, telling me to fuck off is like overwhelming.
I just came from a friend who has three boys and one of them is a teenager and the way he speaks to them is horrendous.
Like I'm so scared of that.
It's so awful.
And I'm like, oh, my God.
And she's like, well, you know, it's the worst.
It's terrible.
And now the younger kids are picking up the language from the older kids.
And they're like actually contemplating sending him to boarding school because they don't know what to do with him.
And she's like, I feel like my son is a product of L.A.
Like that is a product of Los Angeles. That is scary to me like, I'm from Evanston, Illinois, and it's like a really
perfect suburb of Chicago. It's just so great. And I, it was such an ideal place to grow up.
And being out here is a weird element for me to like get my head around like, oh, they're going
to be like LA kids. Like, what does that mean? And of course it's like my influence will do
something, but then the world influences them too. Yeah, yeah. But I think kids are always reacting to some sort of
absence of something, right? Like, most of your bad behavior is a result of some sort of neglect.
And not that my friend's a neglectful parent, but she even said herself, like, I need to be more
present. I need to be home more. You know, there's always like a reason why kids act that way. It's
not like they're just fucking screaming at you. Fuck you, mom, because they're not upset. They're clearly upset about
something that's transpired or a pattern that has evolved. Yeah. And puberty, I think, is just like
uncontrollable. I wouldn't go through puberty again. First of all, I'm pretty sure I'm going
through I'm not I don't think I've hit menopause, but I'm very menopausal for sure. Yeah. And I I'm going through, I don't think I've hit menopause, but I'm perimenopausal for sure.
And I'm like, which is worse? I don't know. What was worse, puberty or perimenopause? I read this book. Naomi Watts wrote this book about menopause and I read it. And as I was reading it, every
symptom hit me. I was like, oh, I started having hot flashes. And then my shoulder started hurting.
There's this menopause shoulder thing. I'm like, what? And I go, yeah, there's a frozen shoulder that women get.
And then I mean, I'm of the age.
I would assume I'm in perimenopause, but I've never really like I get tested pretty frequently.
And I'm going again after reading that fucking book because I'm like, something's up.
But all of the other things around it, I just started to experience like all these symptoms that she was talking about.
And then I came home. I asked my doctor for something for night sweats, because I was
getting those night sweats. And he gave me this over the counter thing. And it worked right away.
So I sent it to my sister. So my sister's like, I use that for six months, and it didn't work once.
She's like, I don't even she was I don't even think I think you just get thoughts suggested
to you. And she's like, you read a book about menopause. Now you think you have menopause. And then you took the things that are for menopause, and you have them. She's like, you read a book about menopause and now you think you have menopause and then you took
the things that are for menopause
and you're fine. She's like, so?
I'm like, I am more impressionable
and malleable than one would think.
At least it works for the medication too.
If you just think it's working, it works for you.
That's a good side effect. Oh, it's called Bonafide,
guys, in case anybody has night sweats.
Bonafide, it's in a green bottle and if you
use that for hot flashes, it worked for me. My sister said she used it for six months and it didn't work for her, but shout out to Bonafide, guys, in case anybody has night sweats. Bonafide. It's in a green bottle. And if you use that for hot flashes, it worked for me.
My sister said she used it for six months and it didn't work for her.
But shout out to Bonafide.
It's fascinating.
I'm like perimenopause is really coming up a lot.
I mean, because my friends are, you know, getting to that point.
And so it's interesting.
There's so many things that are never explained to us about this.
I feel like my whole life, like you heard what menopause was.
And it's like, I guess hot flashes is the one thing that I would think of but there's so many other side effects and it can hit you earlier just all
these things that nobody teaches us because people don't care about women's health yeah exactly
because but you're well you're 39 right yeah I'm 49 so you're a decade younger than me so you're
about you're gonna turn 40 next year yeah mm-hmm I kept thinking I was 40 this year I like lost
track of my age I was like driving I
was like wow I can't believe I'm 40 and then I was like oh I'm 39 and then I was like I'm actually
38 like it was like I have no idea I think at a certain point like stops mattering but
yeah I'm 39 now I don't know if it's Los Angeles because we have access to so many anti-aging
practices I don't know if it's just modern times, but age does not feel like what it felt like
when I was growing up.
Or it's just us being adults and being like,
no, no, I'm still young.
I'm vibrant.
I know.
Yeah, that's also,
you can't tell if it's just how you feel inside.
But I saw this thing that was so funny.
It was like the Golden Girls hairstyles
on celebrities who are the same age
as the actors who are playing them now.
It was like J-Lo with the Golden Girls hairstyle.
Because they were so young.
I feel like age was put out to us as being so much older than it was back in the day.
With even just the style, it was so old-fashioned feeling and not sexy.
How do you feel about aging?
I mean, you're a mom now, so your priorities are your children.
I'm sure you're not stuck with your head up your ass,
but you still are an actress, so you have to think about that stuff.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I definitely think about it. I mean, and I feel like all the things that people
are doing to like look great are have evolved so much and everyone looks amazing. I don't even know
what all the things are. But I'm like, when I need to know, I'm sure I'll have a few friends
that can be like, what are the things I need to do right now? But I don't think about it too much. I mean, I do feel young. I feel the same like in so many ways as I did 10 years
ago. Although I guess that physically that maybe it's not true at all. Maybe that's not I'm about
to take it all back, actually, because I'm like, I feel more confident. I feel like better about
myself. I have like higher self-esteem. I don't think I don't overthink my actions as much as I
used to. And I also physically possibly feel worse. But mentally, I think I feel better.
Well, that's just because you just had a baby. So you're tired. Yeah. But in another happy day,
you had to be very emotional, right? You had to cry a lot. How did it work for you? Because you
haven't done a lot of roles like that. Yeah. I mean, in the past, like the sort of crying I had to do was like in like Jurassic
World, like watching like a dinosaur eat a security guard or something like it's not
really like the same as crying about a baby. But I feel like having kids brought my emotions to
like the forefront where it gets all kind of right there. I really I almost cried like five
minutes ago talking to you. I'm just like I could really cry at any moment just thinking about life.
And so it was easier.
But also the director of this movie is so amazing.
Nora Pfeiffer, who also wrote the movie.
She's an actor and we're old friends as well.
And she she just like has such a great way with actors of like getting you to tap into
something without making you feel the pressure of it.
But she's just a she's
a really great communicator but yeah it was it's definitely a it felt like I was crying all the
time when we were shooting that because just doing multiple takes we were sobbing is it wears you out
I don't know have you ever had to cry in something I don't think I would be able to I'm not sure that
I'm that kind of I'm first of all I'm not really an actress but I like acting every once in a while
and like to do like you know when a project comes my way, that's interesting. I'm totally open to it. But I have never really had to cry.
I've had to be emotional, which is easy, because that's just kind of acting emotional. You know
what I mean? Like, I don't know that I'm a gifted enough actress to have to cry. I'd really have to
get into the right zone. Yeah, it helps that with this, the script within this movie is like,
truly, my character is just really struggling. And so most of the stuff I'm saying is stuff that would make me cry if I really said it. So that helps too.
How did you meet your husband? another short-lived sitcom and it was created by Max Muchnick and David Cohen and starring Ashley
Tisdale and George Wendt and me and my husband Mike were both on the show as well and it was
only 10 episodes but from like the pilot getting picked up to like shooting the the other episodes
it was like a full year so we would hang out as a cast a lot and we got to be friends and
after the show was done we got together but. But yeah. Because you're so professional, because you're so professional, you would never ever let something like that happen prior.
And I was married to somebody else. Oh, well, there's a good reason. Sort of. Sort of. I didn't
know you were. Oh, my gosh, this is your second marriage. Yes, it is. I've lived quite a life.
Girl. My God, I must have had a real influence on you.
Yeah, I've been through a lot.
So it's great.
That also helps with, you know,
not caring about stuff as much.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Okay, we're going to take a break and we're going to come back with Lauren
and we're going to take some callers.
Yay.
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Hi, I'm Dani Shapiro, host of the hit podcast, Family Secrets. How would you feel if when you
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And we're back with Lauren Lapkus,
who is just a breath of fresh air.
Thank you.
Well, we have some callers.
We have some emails today.
But I wanted to, since we've touched on sort of paranormal ghosty stuff and sort of like talking about the great beyond, I wanted to start with one.
It's a little more serious, but I wanted to start with this question from Susanna.
She says, should I see a medium?
Dear Chelsea.
Yes. The answer is always yes.
In 2013, my husband passed away in a car accident. He left me and my then 12-year-old daughter.
My daughter is now 22 and living in Seattle, the place where my husband was raised,
where we first met, and where she was born. I think he would be so proud of the woman she has become,
but every time there's a major event in her life,
he won't be there.
And it's not just her big events either.
In June, she and I attended a wedding,
and when the father-daughter dance started,
she had to leave the room.
Oh, my God.
I know.
I guess I just want to know if he's around,
if there's any part of him that's keeping an eye on her.
I've thought before it'd be nice to talk to him through a medium, but I'm also a skeptic. If there's any way that it's real and he's around,
it would ease my heart. Should I seek one out? Susanna. Definitely. I would definitely. I think
so. Yeah. I mean, what if you have to lose? Like I've had readings by bad psychics or mediums or
whatever, and it still makes you feel good. Like the idea that someone, because it exists.
I definitely believe that your husband is around
and he can communicate with you.
And if you find the right person,
he can come through and say the things
that are going to feel good to you to hear.
It's very rare that you go to a psychic or a medium
and you leave feeling worse or like no one's out there.
It gives you a sense of, oh, this is all possible because they're talking to somebody,
you know, whether their communication is flawless or not. It's like people don't get into that just
to like dupe other people. It's not like you're walking down the street in New York City and
going into like, you know, a $5 place. like if you really seek out a good medium, and they have Yelp reviews, like you can go online and actually find somebody that has a lot of good
reviews. But I think there's only benefits from that. People have always said to me, Oh, I don't
want to hear anything bad. I don't want to hear that I'm going to get cancer. That's not what
they do. They don't do that. They give you good positive information. And they relay information
to you if they can, in fact,
speak to the people in your life that are no longer here. And I wholeheartedly believe in that. I've had amazing experiences with mediums. That is so cool. I believe in that too. And I
have had good experiences as well, but nothing too like life changing. But it was
what you're saying that like I left feeling like happy and it felt like a nice connection.
And even just I, you know,
I always loved Long Island Medium and people would be like, that's not real or whatever.
My feeling is if it's even if it was not real, it does make those people feel so good. And that's
really not a bad thing. But I do believe in it. And have you seen Life After Death with Tyler
Henry on Netflix? Yes, I have. Oh, my God. He's amazing. Yeah,
we've had him on the podcast. He is amazing. Oh, my God. Wow. Did he do a reading for you?
I think so. Yeah, he did a little reading for me. Yeah. So amazing. That's a really good show. But
I mean, I think this person should try that. I don't especially if you're thinking, should I do
this? Like, why not? Like, I do think you're right that if you look and find a person that has a
great reviews or was like highly recommended, then that makes it worthwhile.
Yeah. And also Laurelyn Jackson, I would say like read some of her books. We've had her on the
podcast as well. And she also says like, when I work with people, they can speak to their loved
ones through me, but also like you can just talk to them like they're here. But I would say start
with a medium and then like upgrade to just have a conversation with them. Also, because it shouldn't be prohibiting your
life and like, you know, going to a wedding should be a joyous occasion. Watching a father
and daughter dance should be a joyous occasion. And when it starts to interrupt the stuff that
you should be joyful for others for, then you really need to do something about it. Like,
and you need to actually start thinking
about your father in addition to, you know, contacting a medium and exploring that, you know,
you should really encourage your daughter to be thinking about your, her father as if he's walking
with her, you know, just because he's not physically here. It's, it's very limiting to only
believe this is what exists. That's silly. I mean, and when people say that, I just know that
they're narrow. You know what I mean? Because there's so much that we don't know. And there's
so many different scientists, metaphysicists, and mediums and people like that, that all have the
same story, that there are seven different realms of consciousness, that there are seven, you know,
and this and that are coexisting at the same time.
There's people that are crossed over, have crossed over. There are people that are in other
dimensions. There's all these things kind of coexisting at the same time, but we can only
see what we can see. So I always would encourage people to be more open-minded. Well, our next
question comes from Carly, and she says, Dear Chelsea, I've been having a sexual relationship
with a coworker for about two months
now. Good for you. I mentioned to
him that I missed having a friends with benefits
situation and later that night he told
me he was interested in being that for me.
Oh, shit. Love it. Yeah.
She's getting it. So far A plus. A plus
plus. I was hesitant
at first because he's a co-worker
and he's also 23 and I'm
30. I know he's genuinely
a good guy, so I decided to go for it. It turned out that the sex was amazing, probably the best
I've ever had, and I couldn't get enough. I started doing things that I would never allow
myself to do with other men. I allowed him to spend nights at my house, cuddle. He gives me
compliments like saying I'm so perfect, so beautiful, etc. I have really thick walls up, but I let some of the walls down for him.
I don't usually allow myself to be vulnerable with men because I'm scared of rejection and
getting hurt.
And of course, because he treats me so well, I caught feelings and told him about it.
He basically said he was not interested in continuing our relationship.
So she said being rejected like that made me realize I'm growing out of my friends
with benefits phase, and I think I'm ready to look for something more mature. I've never been
in a serious relationship before because I've never allowed that for myself. I always self-sabotage
and overthink things. So what's your advice for me as I move into this different phase of my dating
life? Carly. Hi, Carly. Hello. Hi, this is Lauren, our special guest today, Lauren Lapkus. First of all, good job.
Way to go. Because all of the things that you did, that's great. You went after what you said,
what you wanted, you got what you wanted. And then you had a nice experience where you were
sexually free. It sounds like right. It sounded amazing. Yeah, it sounded great. And then and
then when you told him that you wanted a relationship, he said, or that you were having stronger feelings, how did you frame it?
Well, he basically made me realize that I was kind of done with this phase of my life. And I
thought I owed it to myself to tell him how I was feeling. And he nicely rejected me in a way,
like we're still fine. No hard feelings. I was having more anxiety over the
fact that I was keeping this kind of like a secret. And I had to let it out. But yeah, I ended it.
What so your question is, how to move? I mean, I everything you said is awesome. Like that is
female empowerment. You know what I mean? Like like so just don't let that skate by like you
you you had feelings you told him how you felt you're a big girl he didn't reciprocate that's
all okay but you still you know what I mean like you did all of the things that you should that a
woman who is empowered would do so first of all kudos to you for that don't negate that or or
because it didn't work out in a situation like that you wanted don't negate that or or because because it didn't work out in a situation like that you wanted don't
negate all the positives that have come out of it and also the positives of like being really
vulnerable with him and allowing him to compliment you and the things that you usually wouldn't
really let happen like i feel like that's also a huge sign of growth to let yourself
let something else in i mean i feel it feels like your next person that will be, you know,
you'll be more primed for that from this experience. Yeah, I like that. Well, absolutely.
Because, you know, he gave you a gift like your gift is now that you want to now, you know,
you want to be in a more serious relationship and possibly look for a partner. And that's a gift
also. Like everything is good that happened. So first of all, frame it in your mind in a different way
or I don't know,
maybe you were already framing it as a positive thing,
but I just want to remind you about the positive
like aspect of all of those things.
And then as you're moving forward,
I guess what is your question?
How do you move forward looking for someone more permanent?
I honestly don't even know how to date seriously.
I've always just slept around because I'm just so scared of getting hurt and I'm so
scared of rejection.
And I just have very, I have a lot of anxiety around dating.
And I guess my question is to how do I date?
I guess, I don't know.
I guess I just honestly need to be more honest with myself and what I want.
But that is my question. How do I learn how to date seriously without like, you know,
kind of, I guess, putting sex to the side for a little while, I guess.
I mean, it sounded like it was a really natural progression with this guy, even if it was not
into a full relationship, but that like you got along really well and it was sort of a natural thing to like hook up.
I feel like that is dating.
Like if it was,
when you don't,
when it's not like through an app
and you're meeting someone
and going out to dinner or whatever,
like you meet people in your life
and you have chemistry
and then you can try to take it to the next place.
But also the people in your life that you know
can often become people that are really,
you know, right for you.
You might not know them yet. Yeah. And I also want to say like, okay, so you think about dating, right? You're
going on a date with somebody. Say you go on a date with them. The anxiety around all of that,
let's talk about that. So say the date goes well, great. Then you go on another date with them and
say that date doesn't go well. Okay. So then that's over. That's the worst thing that, you know what I mean?
Like that's the end result.
Like the worst possible outcome for you, not the worst possible outcome, but the outcome
that you wouldn't welcome is to not find someone.
Right.
But it's a trial and error process.
So like, say you go out on a date with somebody and it's not a great match.
You don't have a lot of chemistry or you like him and he doesn't like you.
So what? That's the worst thing that's going like him and he doesn't like you so what that's
the worst thing that's gonna happen on that date do you know what I mean yeah and it helps to like
if like for my friends who have are newly single and getting back out there and stuff and having
that sort of same experience of like okay I have to like date I do know that like my friends who
have gone through that going on more dates is helpful because you're like the stakes are lower
we're just like oh I'm just gonna meet this person and see if maybe they're cool.
And if they're not cool, then I don't have to stay.
Like you don't have to like have a meal.
You don't have to do all of that.
You can make it a drink and then leave after one drink.
Like if they suck, it doesn't have to be like a huge investment of like your time and your
personality and like getting a lot up.
And another tip I liked that my friend did was she got herself like a few date outfits
that she just felt really
amazing in and she just wears them for every date like it doesn't have to be like you have a new
cute look every time it's like I love this dress on me I'm just gonna wear this every time I go on
a first date or whatever and it kind of takes away one step of like what am I gonna wear how
am I gonna look what am I gonna do and you can just like feel confident so I do like that tip
yeah and also having the intention the intention of wanting to pursue
a more regular relationship, you're already putting it out there. You called into this podcast,
you're actually energetically moving yourself towards that goal just by talking about it.
And so then it's going to become a reality. It's like a trial and error. Like it's a good exercise
and good practice to go on dates with several men anyway. Like what's the worst thing that can
happen there? I mean, I don't want to say what's the worst thing
because, you know, weird things can happen.
But I mean, in terms of your self-esteem and rejection
and then the issues that are surrounding
what you're talking about,
I really think it's actually a good exercise for you
to actually go on dates with people
that aren't going to end with you having sex.
Just get into the habit of doing that
and then you're creating a new habit.
And if someone doesn't like you, great. There's 8 billion people on this planet now, I think.
Is that the number we're dealing with? 8 billion? So, you know, some of those people you're run
into, but a lot of them you will run into, you know? So I just want you to think about it in
a different way. Like, this is exciting. You had this interaction and guess what?
This interaction with this colleague spurred the interest in you to actually
look for something more permanent and like kind of a partner.
This is an exciting development as well.
So everything moved towards like with the attitude of opportunity and
experience and don't worry about being rejected.
Listen,
the more rejections our lives are based in rejection.
If you are a celebrity,
you have been rejected multiple, multiple, multiple times.
Lauren, you can attest to this.
Every day is a new rejection.
Every day, someone doesn't like you.
And new levels of sucking.
And guess what?
It makes you.
It makes it matter a lot less though.
It makes you, you have like thicker skin, but you just care less.
Like I just get less invested in the thing.
I have my high hopes about like I which might sound depressing, but I actually think it's
good.
Like I just it I'm not sobbing every time something doesn't work out.
I'm like, okay, I kind of assumed that was going to happen because that happens all the
time.
It just takes it off your, you know, shoulders as being like this has to be the perfect thing. It perfect thing. You're going to have a bunch of dates where you don't even like that person.
And you get to be the one who says that I don't want to go out again. It's on you too, which is
great. It's a great power. Well, and you also just went through this thing that had sort of
a negative outcome. And look how amazingly you handled it. You were like, oh, maybe I'm growing
beyond this and want to do something different. That's awesome. Right. And like, look how amazingly you handled it. You were like, oh, maybe I'm growing beyond this and want to do something different. That's awesome.
Right. And also, the other thing I want to say about rejection is it does build character.
It builds strength and it builds character. So I always any rejection I get, I'm like, great,
thank you. Thank you for that note. I'm going to be even greater at being myself, you know. And
also one other thing I want to say is when you go on these dates, don't go in there trying to get them to like you.
Go in there and see if you like them.
I always like I put too much pressure on it.
And I kind of like drive myself nuts.
And I look up being like, oh, maybe this is the guy.
Maybe this is the guy.
And I like I create this like false hope in my head.
And I just always set myself up for failure.
Yeah. create this like false hope in my head and it I just always set myself up for failure so yeah I feel like the apps do that too because like when you're talking to someone without meeting them
you kind of can start creating what they're like and then you meet them and they're not like that
and then that's disappointing or something it's a tough thing to deal with where we're sort of like
interacting on in this way that feels like so disconnected and then you're kind of looking at
a picture that they've decided is like what they're like you know what I mean
it's a lot of it's a lot of expectation that everyone's putting into it but I think as much
as you can take that with a grain of salt when you're meeting somebody and just try to just not
even think too hard about what they're gonna be like before you go out don't build them up at all
because nobody can live up to like whatever thing you made up even if they're amazing it's like you
already went in a different direction with it and then they're weird to you or something
I don't know I think that happens but again I have not been on an app in um ever and I've only
been married all my whole life so multiple times she's been married eight times that's why she's
here to give advice does any of that help you yeah it, it does. Thank you. Great. Okay.
Well, yeah.
And just remember, the more dates, the better.
Like, have a fun experience dating.
It is a numbers game.
And you're going to find a lot of people you like, probably.
Probably more than one.
That's a fun problem to have.
Yeah.
I love it.
All right, Carly.
Get out there and keep us posted.
Let us know what happens.
Good luck.
Much.
Thank you.
Thanks. Bye.
Well, our next question comes from Shauna. This one is just an email. Is this my sister? I mean,
let's hope so. She writes in too much. She says, Dear Chelsea, I've been married to my wonderful husband for 14 years. He's an excellent dad and a great husband and I don't want anyone else.
Here is our problem. We have vastly different sex drives.
We have two children, ages 6 and 13.
Our first child was born about a year into our relationship, and I realized about three
years into our relationship that I'm gray asexual, meaning I generally don't have that
much of a sex drive at all, but it can come and go a bit.
My husband, on the other hand, has a normal sex drive for a 40-year-old man and would like to have sex a couple times a week, which doesn't seem
unreasonable. But honestly, if I had sex as much as I needed to, it would be a few times a year.
Specifically, in order to want sex, I need the kids to basically be gone.
It's very difficult for me to be relaxed enough to want to have sex when I know that the kids
could be knocking on the door at any second, especially since my daughter has panic attacks.
We don't have the money for a babysitter and can only send them to their grandparents every so often.
I know this sounds bad, but how do I go about having enough sex with him to keep him satisfied without feeling like I'm having way more sex than I want to to keep him happy?
I don't want him to be unhappy in our relationship and he isn't interested in a hall pass.
He wants me.
I wish I didn't have to feel guilty all the time.
He's very patient, but I can't help but feel bad that he's not getting his needs met.
Shauna.
Oh, I would say, A, exploit that grandparents' relationship as much as you can.
I know you said, she said in the letter, that they can't go there all the time, but is there
any way they could go there a little bit more frequently?
Because then that becomes your date night and that becomes your thing and i'm sure you know if you can arrange that i think that would be a really healthy addition to your like
schedule and your sex schedule with your husband it's really sweet that you're that you care so
much about satisfying his needs but also you know the kids go to bed at a certain time. So
if you pick out a night of the week, like, okay, Saturday nights, we're every Saturday, we're going
to do, you know, we're going to make sure the kids are in bed by this time. Or even if it's a Tuesday,
it doesn't matter. But if you create a regular consistency, then it doesn't feel like I understand
that that can create its own pressure, but you're a willing participant, you're saying that you want
to actually like meet your husband's needs and you don't have
to meet all of his needs or everyone's needs at all.
But if you want to make the effort, those are two simple ways to make an effort, you
know, because the girls, I mean, your six-year-old and your 13-year-old obviously are going to
go to, are going to be asleep by hopefully like 11 o'clock, right?
I mean, there's a night where you can stay up and say, and then it kind of makes it more
adventurous and more fun. We have to wait for the kids to go to sleep and da-da-da, or have
them go to a sleepover at their friend's house. Anytime they have a sleepover, you can, you know,
flirt with him and be like, this is our night. This is our night, you know? Like, make it more
of an event instead of a schedule. Yeah, and if they're ever at school and then you're ever at
home, I don't know what
your schedule is like, but that's a time of day when it's also possible. Or send your kids to
night school. You can send them to school at night. Yeah. I thought it was really nice that
she even said he's not interested in a hall pass because it means she offered that, which is very
generous. Not everyone would want to do that. You obviously care about him a lot. And it's,
I'm curious what he thinks about it because it she
didn't mention him being particularly unsatisfied it was more that he wishes it was more you know
what i mean which is kind of a different thing it doesn't seem like it's a maybe a problem for him
but something that he's like it'd be cool if we did that more yeah and also like these feelings
of this like this kind of anxious i know you said that that she said her daughter has panic attacks, like all of those
anxious feelings around the sex. It's like it helps to kind of separate all of that from sex.
Like you're making them more related than they need to be to the sex. You can have sex with your
husband without your daughter knocking on your door because she's having a panic attack. Like
that's an exception, not the rule. So I would just kind of flip your way
of thinking about it. Like, oh, think of ways to make this more exciting, not only for your
husband, for you. You want to get, you know, you're the one who's in a gray kind of asexual
area, which is totally fine. Listen, we all have different kinds of sexual appetites and we also
go through different phases. You never know what's around the corner. You could become a huge horn
dog when you go through menopause, you know, or postmenopausal or perimenopausal, who knows. But I would definitely
just try to not just but one of the things I would do is try to reframe how you're looking at the sex
and make it more of a fun activity and even a fun activity that you're initiating.
I think that's great because it also helps to take the pressure off of the actual sex when it's happening. Because if you're thinking like, oh my God, she's gonna have a panic attack while this is happening, like you're not gonna be able to enjoy yourself conquest. If I didn't have sex with a guy, I completion of the act. And it's like sex is a lot more than that.
It's about being affectionate and it's about having intimacy and it's about, you know,
rolling around with someone in bed and flirting and having fun with your partner.
And it doesn't always have to lead to an orgasm. You know what I mean? Like you're pleasuring each
other. You're doing whatever you're doing. If you're having oral sex, you know, it doesn't always have to lead like that. It's about the togetherness. And I think
if you make an effort in that direction to move closer to your husband in an intimate way,
you'll also feel the effect that will feel like the effects of actually having sex more.
Yeah. Yeah. And to that end, you know, you might not feel like you want him in your space or touching
you as much twice a week, once a week.
But, you know, doing something like oral sex, like being able to satisfy him in a way that
like you don't necessarily need to be touched might be something that works for you.
So maybe experiment with some of that.
Yeah.
And just let your husband know, since you care so much about, you know, pleasing him,
like let him know that these are all things you're working on and that you want to be closer. You know, I like the flirting aspect
because that's so easy to do to be flirting with your husband, you know, to make sure you're
giving him an extra hug, giving him an extra kiss, touching him, you know, when you don't need to.
All of those things add up and they make people feel closer. So it's worthwhile.
Yeah. Yeah. I think I do that. I do that sometimes where I don't, I'll think about something and then not follow through on it or not say it out loud. And then
I'll act in my mind as if it happened. Do you know, like, it's like, I'm thinking so much about
this thing that I'm like, oh, obviously he knows what I'm thinking about. And that's not true.
People can't read your mind. So that's also, that's great advice because I do think saying,
making a point to do the actions more, but also saying out loud, like this matters to me so much.
Like, I just want you to know I really care about this.
Like, so that it's not just something
that lives in your head.
Yeah, and oh, one more thing I want to say about this.
When you have a negative reaction to sex
or the thought of sex,
that goes a long way as well.
Your thoughts are important.
They do matter.
So when you start thinking about it,
it's almost like you have to trick yourself into being
like, oh, this is going to be fun. I'm going to do, you know, like, not like, oh, fuck, I got to
do this again. You know, like, so just start thinking about ways to make it more playful,
ways to make it more fun, and you will change your attitude about it. That's a fact.
Yeah. There is one thing else I want to say about the panic attacks, because say your daughter does wake up in the middle of the night and you guys are getting frisky or whatever and you can't get the kids out of the house, but you do want to get together. If your daughter knocks on your door, really like the time between having sex and being able to address that is like you just have to put on a house coat.
So true.
Like you know how to handle it. You can be there in like two extra seconds
and it'll be okay. Exactly. It will be okay. Yeah. All right. Problem solved. Problem solved.
Oh, I can't believe my sister's writing in about this stuff. I mean, honestly,
I'm going to bring this up at Thanksgiving. In front of the whole family. Absolutely. That's
when they caught me masturbating in front of my family and my whole family caught me masturbating
on Thanksgiving. So it's a full circle moment. Yeah. So Jen asks, Dear Chelsea, my partner and I have been together
over 10 years. We met in college and have worked really hard on our relationship and have created
a really healthy partnership. We're headed into our 30s this year, and for the first time,
it kind of feels like we are actually, in fact, adults. We live in a growing city and both of us
are working hard on our careers, though I'm definitely the more career-driven of the two of us. In the past two years, my
partner has casually brought up that he wants at least one child. This is a bit unsettling to me
because I've said from day one, before we ever started dating, that I have no interest in having
children. I've felt this way my entire life, and until recently, he always seemed to be on the same
page. He's always agreed when I've said I'm never having children and has always expressed disinterest
in them as well. This puts me in an extremely difficult position because it's not like I hate
my boyfriend and can tell him to fuck off. I am very much in love with him and respect him and
now feel like if we don't bring a child into this relationship one way or another, I may be holding
him back from fulfilling a bigger purpose. But no matter how many times I try to visualize my life with a child in it, it still doesn't sound like something I want for myself. I'm perfectly fulfilled by my relationship with him, my close friends, and my career. I need some serious perspective on this. Jen.
Ooh, what do you think Lauren oh my god it's so intense I mean I do think
it sounds like she really knows
that she doesn't want kids
and that is such a huge thing to change
your mind on and you can't
really be convinced by someone else I don't think
I mean I'm sure it's happened but
I feel like how long have they been together
10 years oh god
yeah I know that's so hard
she loves him so much.
That is really hard.
I don't know.
Chelsea, do you have ideas?
You don't have kids, and I feel like maybe you know about the feeling of knowing that.
Yeah, I do.
I do.
I wouldn't have a kid because, you know, even if I, I mean, I can't speak to being in a
10-year relationship because I haven't been, and neither can Lauren because she's been
divorced like 16 times. But I would say that no child deserves to be born because someone else
wants one and you're just agreeing. You have to be 150% into having a baby if you're going to have
a baby. And anything less than that is unacceptable in terms of children having to deal with their
parents' resentment, guilt, and all that other
stuff. The world is hard enough. So it's not fair to just do that for someone else because you're
not really doing that person. You're doing that person a solid initially. And what ends up
happening is your resentment, a child's resentment, all of that stuff. So you can't have a baby unless
you want to have a baby. And a 10-year relationship is really difficult. But I think, you know, if this isn't negotiable,
which it doesn't sound like it is,
then I think your partner is going to be unfulfilled
and he's also going to be resentful.
And I think you have to be a person to just say,
listen, I'm not willing to do this.
I don't want to stop you from doing this.
I love you.
I want this relationship to continue, obviously.
But if I'm going to prohibit you from fulfilling one of your dreams,
I love you too much to do something like that.
You know, I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to prevent you.
And I know you want to go find someone.
So like you have to deal with that.
It's a very difficult decision to make.
But I think it's the right thing to do.
I know.
It sounds so hard to end a relationship that you're happy in.
Yeah.
You know, that just for any reason.
And then that, but that reason would build resentment over time.
And I think also what's kind of interesting, I mean, it depends on, I don't know what it
depends on, but thinking about the length of time a relationship can make you think
like, well, I can never have this again, or I can never start over,
or how would I ever, you know, being in 10 years, you're like, then we're supposed to be together
forever. That's not true of everything. And you can be really happy and find the person that is
totally perfect for you. And so I mean, it's really hard, though, because we're talking about
someone who's in love with somebody. So I mean,, I don't, I don't even know how you can, that just sounds so hard to have to end something,
but it also sounds, I think Chelsea's right that like when you're saying the resentment that would
build from that. When you really love someone, you want them to fulfill their dreams, you know?
And I think when you say that actually like you act in a, such an honorable way because it is
painful to end such a long relationship. But when you act
in honor of someone and honor that relationship by saying, I don't want to hold you back in any
way and this just isn't for me, I honestly think you get rewarded in life. When you really treat
something with dignity and respect, then that's what comes back at you. And that's not going to
help you through a painful breakup,
but it is kind of, if you look at the big picture of life,
it would be the right thing to do.
And I think part of this conversation, too,
is finding out from him, is this a deal breaker for you?
Absolutely.
Or are these just kind of casual comments?
I mean, yeah, right.
Absolutely.
Is it a deal breaker?
I mean, I read from that letter that it was.
Is it not? Yeah, I mean, that's what I would assume, but no. Yeah. right. Absolutely. Is it a deal breaker? I mean, I read from that letter that it was. Yeah. I mean, that's what I would assume, but no.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So here we are, wrecking relationships.
Relationship wrecker. That's my middle name, relationship wrecker.
Yeah. Well, keep us posted, Jen.
Double barrel. Okay. We'll take a break and we'll be right back.
2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.
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You might know me from my popular online series, The Running Interview Show, where I run with celebrities, athletes, entrepreneurs, into their stories, their journeys, and the thoughts
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Hi, I'm Dani Shapiro, host of the hit podcast, Family Secrets.
How would you feel if when you met your biological father for the first time, he didn't even say hello?
And how would you feel if your doctor advised you to keep your life-altering medical procedure a secret from everyone?
And what if your past itself was a secret and the time had suddenly come to share that past with your child.
These are just a few of the powerful and profound questions we'll be asking on our 11th season of Family Secrets.
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we keep from ourselves. Listen to season 11 of Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple
Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back to close it up with Lauren Lapkus. So Lauren, what's the name of your
podcast again? It's called Haunting. It's Haunting. It comes out every Tuesday on iHeart or wherever
you get your podcasts. It's very fun. Okay, so Haunting is her new podcast, is Lauren's new
podcast. It comes out every Tuesday on iHeart, like you're listening to right now, which is iHeart. And then another happy day.
It's out now. You can get it on Apple TV or Prime or some other places, but it is available for
your viewing pleasure now. Yes. I always love watching you in anything, Lauren. Thank you so
much. You're so unique and original and it's nice and refreshing always to see your face.
Thank you. I always have a special place for you because you gave me my big break.
That show was like the biggest,
most exciting thing ever.
I had never been on a TV show before.
So it was thrilling.
Oh, I love it.
Oh, good.
I'm so happy to hear that.
Yeah.
Okay, honey, take care.
Awesome.
Thanks so much.
Thanks for having me.
Bye.
Okay, so upcoming shows that I have, you guys.
I'm coming to Texas.
And then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel.
I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater on November 8th.
And I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December.
So if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check ChelseaHandler.com for tickets.
Okay.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com.
And be sure to include your phone number.
Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law.
And be sure to check out our merch at chelseahandler.com.
Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer.
If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help.
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Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations
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