Dear Chelsea - So Gay For You with Leisha Hailey & Kate Moennig

Episode Date: May 29, 2025

The L Word’s Kate Moennig and Leisha Hailey are here to talk about their new memoir documenting their groundbreaking show, why the L Word was made for the female gaze, and the truth about whether or not the two of them hooked up.  Then: A crush distracts and Alabaman from what could be her true love.  A lover’s ex won’t stop posting about them on tiktok.  And is lesbian bed death just a myth? * Order Kate & Leisha’s book here! * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart podcast. Chelsea, how are you? How's Europe? Hi, Catherine. Oh my God. I am I honestly, first of all, I don't even know where to begin. I just walked, I think, 27,000 steps. We're in Edinburgh today.

My cousin's here, Molly, as you know, Molly. Yes. Her husband has crashed our party with their four year old. And I split off with them after her four year old said mommy for the 700th time in under one hour. I was like, you really are patient. And it's not enough to walk 20 steps ahead of you. I need to go listen to a political podcast while I walk home. But I honestly feel like one of my hips like I got this great SI belt thing because my SI joint always pops out when I was skiing all winter.

It was kind of annoying me. So it's been amazing. So anyone who's listening who has SI problems like where your hip kind of pops out, you got to get one of these belts because it keeps everything in place. I don't want to really be promoting Amazon, but I did order it on Amazon. And when I say I ordered it, somebody else ordered it for me. So I want to be very transparent about everything I say, but we're having the best time in Europe.

We've had the most amazing shows. It's been so wonderful to be able to apologize on behalf of our administration. And just America as a whole. And really convey my apologies to our former allies. We have hit the ground running in every city. Every time we land, they say it's gonna be raining. And then we land and the sun is out. It happens everywhere.

Reykjavik, Paris, we had two days in Paris. We had an amazing time in Amsterdam. Stockholm was absolutely gorgeous. Oslo. Then we went to, oh, Belfast. We were in Belfast with Sunny. Yamanika was in Belfast with us. So they didn't know what the fuck hit them.

London. London was incredible. We were in Glasgow two nights ago. So today is a day off in Edinburgh. We had yesterday off. And then I think tomorrow we go to Zurich. All right. So it's been absolutely wonderful.

The crowds are amazing. I'm just, I really feel so happy to be here and to be spreading like, you know, the vibes. I'm so glad. Thank you. How are you? I'm great. I've, you know, I've just had a couple of weeks

of like a little bit of downtime, had some barbecues. It's been really, really nice. So very relaxing. Yeah, that's nice. That's nice. We've had some incredible food here, incredible food everywhere. And Edinburgh is one of the most beautiful cities in the world. I hadn't been here for 30 years. I came with one of my boyfriends when I was like 20 years old. And it is so old and so preserved and they don't have high rises and it's not gross with all the stores. I mean, they have sections of like, you know,

Gucci and Fendi and all that, which is fine, but they don't, it's just beautiful and the cobblestone streets and the castles everywhere. And it's just been gorgeous here. So we went on a long, long walk today. And I had a big blood blister when I came home, so that was really satisfying to pop. And then I am gonna take a Xanax tonight

and prepare for, I'm taking the day off of drinking, even though I already had a drink at lunch. That counts. Taking the night off of drinking because I need to have a clear head since tomorrow night I have a show. And I'm just really grateful. I'm reading great books.

Yeah. Oh, we got to do a Minnesota book roundup. Well, if there's anything we don't mention right now. There's a really good book. This isn't a new book that's out, but I just read it. It's called Red Notice by Bill Browder, and it's all about Russia. And he's this big finance investment guy

who started investing in Russia after it changed from communism to quote unquote capitalism, and they privatized everything, and it's a fascinating read. So of course, you know, I sent that to half my family. I'm like, here's to the country you defend. And then I got that book, The Emperor of Gladness, Oceane Vong, did you hear about this book?

No, I don't know this one. It's heavy. I know her, but I haven't read that book. Yeah, this just came out and this is supposed to be great. And then I read Morality by Jonathan Sacks. We'll go over all of them. I just wanted to remember what morality was in these times. Anyway, so everything's great.

Doug is living up a storm in Canada. He's going from house to house to house. People are, there's a waiting list to hang out with him. So, and I won't see him until I do my show in Vegas on July 5th. So that's when I come back to America. July 5th, everybody I'll be in Vegas. Awesome.

What other dates do you have coming up in Europe for the next week or two? Everything in Europe is sold next week or two? Everything in Europe is sold out. Oh, cool. Oh, no. Barcelona, I think, has tickets. Barcelona, I believe, is June 2nd.

So if you're, yeah, Barcelona has tickets, but everything else is sold out. Awesome. And I didn't want to add any second shows because I'd have to do them the same night. And I'm like, I just can't. I can't do two shows in a night when I don't have to. Totally. So I'll have to come back sooner than later because I've just been having the best time here

and I'm just so grateful. That's the word of the day is gratitude. Well, listen, you're bringing joy and apparently literal sunshine to every city you go to. So that's great. I know my cousin keeps going. Every morning Molly goes, oh my God, can you believe we keep changing the weather?

It's supposed to rain and we keep changing the weather. And I wanted to go, it's not you, it's me, because I've been doing this since I was born. And we were on the phone with my sister. We're going to Greece in a couple of weeks for my sister's big birthday, like 12 of us of the girls in the family. And my sister goes, well, if Chelsea's coming,

we're gonna have sunshine. Molly goes, oh, everywhere we go, there's been sunshine and it's been forecasting rain and everywhere we go, sunshine. And she goes, oh yeah, Chelsea always brings the good weather. And Molly's like, no, I thought it was me. And I was like, well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but it really has nothing to do with you. Sorry, Molly.

Sorry, Molly. And you know what? If you can't get tickets to Chelsea's sold out shows in Europe, you can check out her special. Oh, yes. you can check out her special. Oh, yes, you can check out my special, The Feeling, which is so funny. All these European people are like, we didn't want to watch Your Feeling because we thought it was going to be the same material

as what you're doing now. I'm like, no, no, no. I have a whole new hour, bitches. I'm ready to rumble. Excellent. I have a whole new hour about not vacationing with your family. Okay, so today's episode, we have, well well, you know our guests from the L Word and their podcast Pants. They have co-written a new memoir and it's called So Gay For You, which I read, which

is delightful. And it's all about their experiences on the show and beyond the show. Please welcome two captain lesbians, Alaysha Haley and Kate Meneg. Congrats on the book, you ladies. Thank you. Yeah, how exciting. Thank you very much. Yeah.

I know. Yeah, I never thought this would happen. Really? Yeah, this was never on my bucket list, but then it's suddenly happening. So welcome to the podcast. Thanks for having us. Very excited about your new book.

So gay for you. I was reading this on a plane, and then I, and then, oh. Oh. Great. And the gay flight attendant, he was male,

he was like, mm-hmm, and I'm like, uh-huh, and I'm like, I had no idea what he was talking about, and then when I put, when I finished it and closed it, I was like, oh, I see what he's talking about. Yeah. But I love this cover.

Like self help. Yeah. I love this cover of the two of you. Thank you. And what took you so long to write a book about how you met, like how the show started? What took you so long? I mean, we're like a couple of dumb, dumb actors, no one ever, like we never thought we could do this.

And then an opportunity got brought up to us and we thought, sure, why not? Yeah, you seem like you don't think you can do much of anything because it's like self-esteem issues I don't know it's really funny that's your takeaway you always yeah it's true you always say the dumb-dumbs but we never thought well writing I mean listen we barely graduated high school and we didn't go to college so I barely graduated high school and I didn't go to college, and I just wrote my seventh book. So that is not a barrier.

But you're like an intellect. No, I'm not an intellect. What? I think of you and I go, oh, she's really fucking smart. Great. I fucking love it. I hope my sisters are listening. But no, in the book, you talk about you tried to turn down this role. Yeah.

So you didn't think you could do that. You were in a band. You're still in a band, but you were in a different band then, right? And you got the offer for the role, turned it down one, two, three times, I think it was? Three times, you said in the book. It was three times? I thought it was twice.

Three, no, three. Yeah, I didn't turn it down because I didn't think I could do it. It's because I was in like a co-dependent band relationship and I was like, I'm gonna leave my band mate and ruin her life and go, I don't know, it just felt wrong. Right, well that's wrong.

You know, that doesn't make any sense either. I know, it was a choice I was about to make that would have changed my life forever. Right. Right. But thankfully you had a friend who like saved you from that bad decision, right? Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, like told you like, do it, you gotta do it.

Yeah, and no fault to like Heather, who is my bandmate, we just, we were in something that we were like, we're gonna do this forever. You know, when you're that young, you're like, have you ever been in that, where you're in a working relationship with someone that you're like, this is for the rest of our lives? I mean, I feel like that almost about any relationship,

right, like when things are going well, you're like, we'll be together forever. But the reality of that actually coming to fruition is like, no, you know, there are breakups and all the time and then there's creative evolution. So you move on to other things and other outlets and then you're like, oh, okay, well, obviously you can't work with everybody.

It's a great idea, but it's kind of like a marriage, which is why those typically don't work. Okay, so let's start at the beginning. but it's kind of like a marriage, which is, you know, why those typically don't work. ALL LAUGHING Yeah. Okay, so let's start at the beginning. So you guys opened this book with your auditions for the Elmer. And so what year was this? Do we remember?

June 2002. June 2002. Okay, so that's like 20-something years. It was a long time ago. Yeah. And you met each other, you saw each other. Yeah. Yeah. At the audition, because you were auditioning for the same role originally.

Yeah, I was told, my manager said, there's only one other person who's gonna be reading for this part. And I said, okay, because it was a specific kind of character. And you came out from New York, you flew out from New York. I flew out from New York, because I was in the East Coast then. And my manager's like, I can do some digging, find out who it is.

And I said, no, no, no, no, no. I was like, let me just go there. This is pressurey enough. And I walk in and I saw the back of her head and her hair was like, whispy out in the back. Well, you remember this look. Yes, it was wind. Yeah, it was like, okay, flip.

It was like, flip. You know what I'm saying? It's like we had a lot of layers. Yeah. We had layers and the whole thing. And compared to every other actor out there reading for another role who had long hair, I just saw the back of her head and I thought, that's it.

And then I was like, that's her. I was like, that's it. I was like, that's my competition. And so they ushered actors reading for another role to that one side, we went off to the other side, and then we just sat in an echoey, quiet hallway for about 45 minutes, just kind of nodding and smiling at each other,

trying to be polite. And a lot of people find this hard to believe that I was up for the role that Kate ended up getting because it's like this sexual letharia, but I think it might've just been my funky hair. I don't know why I was up for this role, but there was something about me, but there was no way in hell. There was no way in hell I was meant for that part.

Right, absolutely. Right, like it was Kate's. Yeah, of course. But I didn't know that. I thought, oh, she's got this in the bag. Cause you have the comb, right? I had a comb. She had a comb.

Because the- Like the fawns. Yeah. Yeah, she showed up with the prop prop and I thought, that's it. I was like, that's the secret to this whole thing. And I never thought of doing that. And I schlepped all the way out here from the other coast and it's over before it even started.

Like, I thought I was done. Auditioning fucking sucks. It's horrible. I mean, it is really one of the most, I think, I mean, that's what turned me off of acting when I got out here. Thank goodness I could do other things because I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna nail this. Like, it's so unnatural, what an unnatural environment, and it's degrading.

You know, you're sitting there like cattle waiting outside a room and then going in, and everyone's competing, that energy is so bad for the soul, you know what I mean? Yeah, and everyone's trying to pretend you're not competing, but you all, you know, you all want it. And then you get called into the room and it's whatever the circumstances

that you're meant to be reading for, it's just, it's always gonna be unnatural, but you have to somehow make it look like, oh no, this is completely normal. And like we're in this intimate experience and we're not. Yeah, now we don't even do that anymore. No, now we go on Zooms and we control it ourselves. Which is better.

Yeah, it is. Totally better. But it's a, that has its own set of problems. But yeah, it's easier. I want to hear about your act like you your audition process or what you were. Well, let me I once auditioned for a Nike commercial. I mean, this wasn't a serious thing, obviously. But I have tons of audition stories. But at some point, at a certain point, I was like, commercials, that was your thing. No, I never was my thing. I never booked one. Um, but I once auditioned for a Nike commercial and they had me, and I had to wear short shorts. So I remember getting up in the morning in Santa Monica

and I ran six miles so that my legs were like, you know, like a throbbing penis basically. Like they were at peak muscle. Like, you know, after a run was when they're like the strongest and I was young, I was like in my twenties. And then I got in and they were like, okay, you know, after a run was when they're like the strongest. And I was young, I was like in my 20s. And then I got it and they were like, okay, you know, this is a dance commercial, so just like do whatever, you know, just dance.

And I cannot dance. I have no rhythm. I can't sing and I can't dance. Anyone who sees me dance is like, oh, wow. Stop, please. But now I'm like, I'm 50, so I'm like, fuck it. I'm like, who cares? I'm a bad dancer. I've already proven that I'm good at other things. Who cares? Who cares if I'm a bad dancer? I've already proven that I'm good at other things,

not dancing, but that's not gonna stop me. I'll just take whatever drugs I need to to get me on the dance floor. And I remember in the moment not knowing that I had to dance and them telling me, and it was a bunch of Asian people that were, and I just basically blacked out. I blacked out and just started running

and doing aerobics and just whatever the most humiliating version of that could have been was what I did. And I didn't look anyone in the eye. I just kept spinning around. I was doing, at one point I did a jumping jack and then I was like two stepping and then I ran in certain directions but that there was a wall and all I remember is when is this gonna be over when is this gonna be over and I remember just running out the door I

said thank you goodbye ran out the door and I called my agent and I was like I don't want to audition for commercials anymore and I know dancing and after that I stopped auditioning for commercials because I was like this is too sure I can't do I can't subject myself to this kind of shame. Yeah. Like I'm too confident of a person, this will ruin me. Yes. And it wasn't long after that,

that I stopped auditioning for television stuff too. Like if it was an audition situation, I'm like, that's not my strong suit. You have to audition so many times to be good at it. Except in your case, you weren't auditioning a lot to be good at it. You just kind of nailed it. Well, yeah,'t auditioning a lot to be good at it. You just kind of nailed it. Well, yeah, I guess it was meant to be,

but since that role, I've never really booked much of anything. Like that's the funny thing about my story is like, I got this like iconic show, but have like failed as an actress ever since. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, like, and then the reboot happened again.

And I was like, okay, I'm back to play this part again, and then the crickets again. It's really, and I've made peace with it. I'm like, I guess that's what I was supposed to do. Or I can't do, I don't know what it is, but it's wild. You made it count. Thanks. That is wild.

Yeah. That is frustrating also. It must have been really frustrating for, until you made peace with it. Yeah. I mean, when the show ended, I thought, okay, great, I'm gonna go on to do, I mean, I did do a... But Leisha did a thing where when we, when the show ended, the original show ended,

Leisha had a band and she said, I'm gonna go off touring with the band. And whenever, anytime you're, you're coming off a long running show, everyone, not everyone, but sort of this unspoken thing where people realize, oh, you have like a season to kind of see where you can take that influence Not everyone, but sort of this unspoken thing where people realize, oh, you have like a season to kind of see where you can take that influence

and maybe direct it into a different, into another job. And that's when you took off and- Yeah, and everyone else went on to do other things. Everyone else was like trying to utilize that little momentum we had to say, oh, let's see if it's gonna go anywhere. How many years was the L Word on? It was six seasons.

Six seasons. The original was six, yeah. And then three in the reboot. And three in the reboot. And did you direct one of the episodes for the reboot? Yeah, which is something I always wanted to do. But yeah, it's the life of an actor kind of... It's not for the fainted heart.

And now it's shifted in a completely different way. How do you think it's shifted now? Well, for one, you can't get it into rooms anymore. So everything's just based on your Zoom audition. So there's never any feedback. And because there's so many mergers and all these companies are either forming or breaking apart, nothing is safe.

I think part of the reason why our reboot got canceled is because of a merger. And even when a project seems like it's going to be great, well, well, maybe not because either a company is going to fold into another one or that's no longer the direction or a new president is coming in and it's just this nothing settled yet. Yeah, it's so weird. It's like there's so much money in entertainment and there's so many platforms now yet there seems to be like a contraction happening, you know?

A severe contraction, yeah. And it doesn't really add up, because all the money's at the top, you know? They don't want to distribute it down, like, evenly to anyone. So it's just, like, greedy, greedy, greedy. I guess it's a reflection of what's happening in Washington, really, you know? It's kind of the same thing.

It's like, people are so greedy, they don't want to pay. But, so talk about, let's talk about the experience of being on The L Word, what that meant to you, because it was really the only show about lesbians and such a huge success on Showtime, right? Did you ever see it? Yeah, of course, of course, yeah. And you don't think only lesbians watched it?

No, actually, we know for a fact a lot of straight women watched it. They really identified with the friendships, I think. Yes. Yeah, let's talk about that. Let's talk about the French. It's so funny because with heterosexual people, I just had this conversation the other day,

or maybe it was somebody who called into the podcast, that we were talking about, you wouldn't be talking about these feelings if it wasn't a straight man and you were a straight woman and they were both like, you know, in other relationships and they were talking about their friendship and if there were feelings and it's like, you can have male friends without having sexual feelings.

But at the inception of meeting every man and woman, when there's a heteros, when they're both heterosexual, there's always the glance over of like, would I fuck you? Am I attracted to you? Do I find you attractive? Like that's the first thing that comes to your mind and because of how we've all been trained, you know,

like in this routine. But with lesbians and friendships, I wanna explore that more and talk about that because that was depicted on the show so well. So people assume that like, if you're friends, obviously you're either hooked up or you're not. It's the same thing. depicted on the show so well. Well, people assume that like if your friends obviously you're either hooked up or you're out. It's the same thing.

Like everyone's shocked that Leisha and I have never crossed that line because it's such a rarity actually. Because a lot of like- You think it's rare? I do, I think, kinda I do, yeah. It's normal for like two women to like be together at one point, break up and then 10 years down the line,

they're best friends, like to the point where they're family. You and I, we never, we never crossed that. We never wanted to, it never occurred to either one of us. No, that would just be unnatural. I find when lesbian, all of my lesbian friends, when one of them breaks up, like six of them break up. It happens in seasons. Like, oh.

So, they break up with a partner, a long-term partner, it happens. So it's like dominoes. It's a domino effect. Interesting. Right now, I'm experiencing three sets of lesbian couples that are breaking up. At a major relationship? Yes. I'm going to pay attention to that.

I've never noticed it before. I know. It's very strange. I think that's the advantage of being a straight person and being so immersed in the lesbian world. I have so many lesbians in my life, so I get the best of both worlds. I assume at some point I will transition into being a full-blown lesbian, just because the writing's on the wall there. You know what I mean? So I guess they're just waiting for me to come over, you know? You'd be welcome to open arms.

Thank you. I appreciate that. He really would be, like, everyone would love to have him. Of course. So what was the experience like of being able to depict that in a truthful, healthy way? Like sharing that experience together. Well, it's interesting because I think the perception outside of our show is that it was so,

it was only designed for the male gaze and that was a lot of critique we always heard. Really? Yeah, everyone thought, oh, it's only for straight men to get off on and to like, and it's clearly being directed. Why is everything's first to serve up to straight men? Precisely. And the irony is that the whole show was run by women and written by incorrect.

Yeah. And so it actually had, like you said this before and it's true that like women can sexualize each other as well. It wasn't just for- And objectify. And objectify each other. It's not just for men. And so that was sort of a disconnect that we, on the show, always thought that's so off base, actually,

to what's really going on here. Yeah. I mean, if you guys had a male creator and a male director, I mean, can you imagine the shit you would have gotten? Well, maybe not back in that time. We did have it too. We would have been surprising for the time. We would have been fine actually, because people wouldn't have called it out.

Right. We did have male directors and they were all great. Like, everyone took it really seriously. Like, everyone felt the pressure to get it right. I was like, okay, this is like the one chance. All the male directors were always saying, is this right? Is this okay? Like, I don't want to make you, I don't want to push it or anything. And so they always...

Or does this ring true? Would you really do this? Yeah, they always left it up to us to decide, oh, you're like pushing the boundary. And they'd listen if we had extreme critique to an idea they had. They go, okay, fine. Yeah, and it was way before intimacy coordinators, which are like, it's a whole thing now, but- I mean, we're gonna have intimacy coordinators

in our real lives. That's a certain- Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were gonna say, come on right now. I mean- Welcome in. I mean, that's how serious intimacy coordinators have gotten, you know?. I thought you were just like, come on right now. I mean. Welcome in. I mean, that's how serious intimacy coordinators have gotten, you know?

Back then we were just like, we would work it out with each other, with the director, like it was all just like. It was always on the day. It was like, we'd be on set and we'd say, all right, let's figure this out. How are we gonna do this? Yeah, how are we gonna do this?

Yeah. But to answer your question earlier, like because I was out and like, I was like the only gay one at the time. Oh yeah, you were still dating men, right? When the show started? Not really, no. I had dated guys, but I wasn't,

I don't think I was dating anyone when that show started. You had just broken up. Maybe I just stopped dating some guy, but I was sort of, it was nothing serious, serious when I got up to Canada, but go ahead. Oh, that's right, Canada. Canada. Yeah. Yeah. Canada. We're all going back there. So yes, we are slowly transitioning into Canada permanently. Before

we they become the 51st state anyway. Oh my god. Let's not talk about that. Let's keep things happy. Back to pussy. Yeah. No, I like, I felt this responsibility to represent our community correctly, but I didn't even know the impact the show is going to have. Like I thought it was going to be this really underground indie TV show that nobody saw. But everybody wanted to get it. Yes. But everybody wanted to get it. We had a sex spurt show up during the pilot with a big binder talking about sex toys and how... And like a toolbox and all these like...

Toolbox and all these like, yeah, all of these like, all these, all these apparatuses to be like, okay, so here are all the options one has. And everyone was sitting there like, oh, okay, okay. And like there was a whole seminar about it. So everyone had a really clear agenda. No one wanted to fuck it up. Yeah. I don't know, I think we all did.

You're like, you're all. I'm like, I thought you were gonna continue. No, I was trying to hide it. But with the recognition, I mean, I'm sure here in town, right? Obviously you were being, people were approaching you all the time. No.

They weren't. No. Really? In LA? No, we were in Canada. No one cared about us. Oh, oh. We lived in Canada for like nine months or something. Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I'm, but so you weren't living in LA at all. No, we were doing hiatus, but no one, when we got home, I don't think anyone really seemed to care that much. Really? Yeah. Unless you went to a gay bar, it was that was a different story. That was different. Wandering down the street.

Oh, yeah. No. Yeah, it was kind of like a like an insular fame. Like it was it was very, you know, you know, totally. It was very big in the gay community. But like, if you go to like Ralph's supermarket, you're fine. Yeah, Perez Hilton didn't care about us whatsoever. He stood after you.

No, he didn't care. When is Perez Hilton gonna go away is my next question. I thought he didn't go around. He's the most repugnant, I mean, honestly. Didn't he go away? No, he went away, but he's back. I mean, he's not at back, but he's in the ether. And every once in a while, he pops up on my algorithm,

and I'm like, this guy is like, what are those lizards? Lizards that just recreate and you cut their tail off and then they come back and they grow. I mean, talk about toxic, talk about negative. Oh my God, he's the worst. Anyway, that's a sidebar. So, okay, so after the show ended, when it did end and you went on tour, where did you go on tour?

Yeah, all around the world, it was really fun. I had a band called- So fun, isn't it? Yeah, called Uh-Huh Her, and it was a blast, and I loved doing it, and I felt really at home in a band. So that was great, and yeah, I just didn't concentrate on getting another show, and Kate went off to do- I played a doctor for a hot second. Oh yeah, you played a doctor

and then you were on Ray Donovan forever. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so how do your other acting experiences compare to being on The L Word? It was like night and day. Really? Completely. I went from our show, which was on cable, where you could get away with anything,

to network television, where you couldn't get away with a single thing. And so it was very controlled. I don't think they knew what really to do with me necessarily. I didn't have that kind of look that would cater to their audience. And so I was sort of shoved off to the side a bit. And do you think you, but do you think you got that job because of the L Word? I think I got that job because of a producer named Curtis Hansen who fought for me.

I don't think I got that job because CBS was like, yeah, let's get her. Absolutely not. And that was a very short lived job. And then I luckily landed on Ray Donovan that just kept going and going and going. And that was back on Showtime. So at least I didn't have to prove myself. Right. So I showed up and I was like, you guys know me.

Yeah. You know what I can do. So I felt more at home there than I did on mainstream. Yeah, that's interesting. I mean, not surprising. Mainstream television is just like such a cudgel. It's just so, it's like, first of all, getting notes from a network. That was the thing.

It's so obtrusive. It's like, you're not a creator at all. Like the whole system seems like it needs to be broken. Yeah, it was, yeah, it was, everyone gave notes and assistance of people gave notes. There's always notes getting thrown around. And sometimes the note giving is just like an exercise of giving notes. They're just pretending to be doing a job. Right.

Because they have to give you they can't be like we have no notes. Oh, yeah. And they have to justify their existence. Precisely. Yeah, it Oh yeah. And they have to justify their existence basically. Precisely, yeah. It's, yeah, exactly. And don't they have like catchphrases like Easter egg or would it, you know, like they have things for. No, it's more like, can you not,

oh, it varies. I mean, it can go from like appearance down to how you're delivering a line, God only knows. But it gets to a point where you have to say, I'm not, no, stop, like I'm not doing it. And they're, what, you're not doing it? And it's like, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. Kate's great at that.

That's good. She's always been good at the no's. That's nice. Yeah, it's been like a lifelong, like since we've known each other for what, like 20, a long time, and I've been trying to teach her the word no from day one. Yeah, I can see that.

I'll go into like a panic. I can see that from reading your book, that you guys, that you're good at no and you're not. Yeah, like no is a complete sentence. Absolutely, I love it. I mean, even I've had to learn how to say no and people would be surprised to hear that. I am surprised right now, hearing that.

Really? Yeah, absolutely. Because I wanna be generous with my time and you get confused about what that means. You know what I mean? Generosity with your time doesn't necessarily mean saying yes to everything. You can be generous and also say no.

Yeah, I agree. So that took a long time to understand. Because I, yeah. That's it. And I wanted to be one of those people who you could rely on to do anything. Like the outrage, I'll do that. Don't worry. I'm easy.

I'll deal with that. You know? Or you can handle it. I can handle it. And then you realize you're just subscribing to being in the boys club. And then you're like, wait, wait, wait, I'm catering to men right now. I actually want to be catering to women, not to men.

So it's like that I had to go through that a little bit. Not a little bit, a lot. But I yeah, I understood it and recognized it and then fixed it. Was there like an episode to you that really was more meaningful than any of the others? An episode? In the L world? Oh, God. Meaningful? I episode? In Elworld. Oh God. Meaningful? I don't know.

I don't know. Or profound to you? It was so long ago. It was like a soap opera too. Like, let's not like over, you know what I mean? No, I know, but you guys, I mean- It was silly and it was- Maybe the overall series had more meaning

than each individual. The sum of its parts. I think it like broke down barriers. I think it broke down barriers. I think it opened eyes. It showed people not just one character. You always see one lesbian or one lesbian couple, or they die or they're coming out. It's always a coming out story.

But this was like, no, we're functioning women. In the world, we have careers, we have friendships, we have relationships. Like that's what it did. It just was sort of like. And we like to eat pussy. Yeah, and there's that. You know, and it's like, I don't know,

it just was this well-rounded idea. It's hard to think of one episode, cause my memory's. No, I can understand that. It's so interesting when you look at, especially in our industry, there are so many women that become late in life lesbians. Yeah. There are so many women who get divorced

and they're like, I'm done with this. I'm done with men and then they're lesbians. And it's like, it's almost, I don't know if it's a sign of the times that we live in where men have just outworn their welcome and everyone, all of their secrets have been exposed and we're just done with it. Or if this happens in every generation,

where a woman is 50 or 40s and 50s and starts going, you know what, I don't want to be with men anymore. Yeah, I don't have to. I have choices. Do you think that happens during every generation? I think it's always been around. It's always been around, but now there's... Gay people are new. They're gay.

But there's a less binary way of looking at everything. So, you know, I look at how teenagers look at themselves and they say, I'm open to anything. And that's translating into people our age. And I think that's wonderful. So there's not so much fear. And it's just, you can be whoever you are, and you don't have to label it. And who you love is who you love. And that sounds like a super cheesy motto, but it's true. And I think the less labeling is, I think, helping people accept who they are more. Yeah, I decided I was at a, I got a mammogram the other day and they were asking like ethnicity, da, da, da.

And I was like, I'm not answering these questions anymore. You know what I mean? This is outdated. You guys have to update your forms. Like, it doesn't matter if I'm married or not. It doesn't matter if I'm white or Asian or Caucasian. I was at the doctor the other day. Where are these?

There was a line that said, what is the gender of the head of your household? And I was like, what? Like what? The head of your household? You should have been T for trans. I was like, what? Yeah, yeah.

Unnecessary, completely unnecessary. What kind Like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Unnecessary. Completely unnecessary. What kind of doctor? Where was it? A GP. Just like, yeah. I had an eye doctor. I went to an eye doctor and I was asked something about my ethnicity. And I was like, what difference does it make? And I looked at him and he's like, sorry, it's on the form. And I was like, why? Yeah.

So yeah. Don't you think that the political environment we're living in is a direct reflection of the fact that most people are coming to terms, not most people, but the majority of educated people are coming to terms with the fact that all of this is such nonsense, all of these labels are such nonsense. It is the death cough of white supremacy. I don't know if we'll experience the end of it, but it's definitely the last stages of it and that could be another 150 years. I don't know if we'll experience the end of it, but it's definitely the last stages of it. And that could be another 150 years, I don't know. But it's the old white man's reaction to women going,

no, no, no, we don't need labels. We might like boys, we might like girls, we might like both, we might like nothing. Like, you know, they're not willing to accept that. It certainly adds to the fear that they're no longer in power. Yeah, I got this great book, this friend. I'm going to do this when we do our book roundup.

My friend, my makeup artist in New York, gave it to me. And it was going over all these women in history who've gone unnoticed and all these painters and that there was a period in the 1600s where there was this explosion of female talent. And by explosion, there were like 13 really well known painters in Paris during that period of time where all these painters were coming up. And there were 13 of them. And they were in history books in the 1600s. And then when you get past 1800, they're gone.

There's complete erasure of them, because men were so threatened by the few that got in and the successes that they reached, which were beyond the reaches of the men, that they decided, okay, we're gonna take their work and claim it as our own, and women are no longer allowed to paint. Isn't that the same with Hollywood? Women directors, they directed everything at the beginning of Hollywood. Yeah, right.

And then it was gone. And so, I mean, that's not a new information, but it's nice to... It's so funny how threatened they are by us, yet we're not that threatened by them. Right. How women have been the enemy to them since the beginning of time, essentially. Why are we, why are you so threatened by us?

Because we're not threatened by you. So we'll threaten you. We'll threaten your bodies. We'll threat, yes, your rights because yeah. So it's nice to know this has been going on for quite some time. Leisha's not alone. I'm not, I'm not, no, we'll take a break and we'll be right back with Leisha Haley and Kate Menig.

If you'd like advice from Chelsea, write into us at dearchelseapodcast.gmail.com. We'd love to hear your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice on, but this week we're specifically looking for questions about family issues. If you have an issue with a family member or you need advice about a specific relationship issue, please write in at dearchelseapodcast.gmail.com. What happens when we come face to face with death?

My truck was blown up by a 20 pound anti-tank mine. My parachute did not deploy. I was kidnapped by a drug cartel. I just remember everything getting dark. I was kidnapped by a drug cartel. I just remember everything getting dark. I'm dying. We step beyond the edge of what we know to open our consciousness to something more than just what's in that Western box. In return. I clinically died. The heart stopped beating. Which I was dead for 11.5 minutes. My name is Dan Bush. My mission is simple, to find, explore, and share these stories.

I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor. You're strongest when you're the most vulnerable. To remind us what it means to be alive. Not just that I was the guy that cut his arm off, but I'm the guy who is smiling when he cut his arm off. Alive Again, a podcast about the fragility of life, the strength of the human spirit, and what it means to truly live. Listen to Alive Again on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Giving yourself that agency to not just be one thing, right? I don't have to be the perception

that is crafted or the version of me that everyone is kind of projecting onto me. Like I am having my human experience and it is faceted. It's so faceted and it's fascinating. May is Mental Health Awareness Month and Deeply Well is a sanctuary for your healing. I'm Debbie Brown, healer, wellbeing expert, teacher and fellow seeker. And each week we explore what it means to become whole through soul expanding conversations and practices.

Why focus on tiny joys? Well, because they remind us of what it means to be human. They anchor us in the present moment and they create ripples of gratitude that nourish our spirit. Tiny joys are acts of self-love. To hear this and more ways to prioritize your peace listen to Deeply Well from the Black Effect Podcast Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. AT&T, connecting changes everything. The American West with Dan Flores is the latest show from the Meat Eater Podcast Network hosted by me, writer

and historian Dan Flores and brought to you by Velvet Buck. This podcast looks at a West available nowhere else. Each episode I'll be diving into some of the lesser known histories of the West. I'll then be joined in conversation by guests such as Western historian Dr. Randall Williams and best-selling author and meat-eater founder Stephen Rannella. I'll correct my kids now and then where they'll say when cave people were here and I'll say it seems like the Ice Age people that were here didn't have a real affinity for caves. So join me starting Tuesday May 6th where we'll delve into stories of the West and come to understand

how it helps inform the ways in which we experience the region today. Listen to The American West with Dan Flores on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I know a lot of cops, and they get asked all the time, have you ever had to shoot your gun? Sometimes the answer is yes. But there's a company dedicated to a future where the answer will always be no. Across the country, cops call this Taser the revolution.

But not everyone was convinced it was that simple. Cops believed everything that Taser told them. From Lava for Good and the team that brought you Bone Valley comes a story about what happened when a multi-billion dollar company dedicated itself to one visionary mission. This is Absolute Season 1, Taser Inc. I get right back there and it's bad. It's really, really, really bad. Listen to new episodes of Absolute Season One, Taser Incorporated on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Binge episodes one, two and three on

May 21st and episodes four, five and six on June 4th. Add free at Lava for Good Plus on Apple podcasts. And we're back with Leisha Haley and Kate Menning. Okay, what do we got today? So many questions. Oh, we do? So many. Oh, we did this on our podcast. Oh, you do have ice.

Yes. Awesome. Oh, I love it. You're well versed in the advice, sort of. Well, this first one is just a write versed in the advice. Sort of. Well, this first one is just a write-in. We do have a couple of callers, so we'll spend a little time with this one, but then we'll move on to our callers.

So this one is from Lola. She's not joining us. She says, Dear Chelsea, I've been in a relationship with my partner Bridget for two and a half years and her ex-girlfriend Samantha just never goes away. When we started dating, I knew things were complicated with her ex, but it was impossible to comprehend how the situation would impact me in the future. My partner Bridget was in a three and a half year relationship with Samantha, who is her sister's best friend and coworker. Wait, wait, I need a chart.

This has gotten a little bit of a chart. Can you repeat that one section? The writer, her partner, the ex is the partner's sister's best friend slash coworker. The ex is the partner's sister's best friend. Slash co-worker. The ex is the partner's sister's best friend. Oh yeah. So it's like if I'm the girlfriend, it's my sister's best friend.

So like kind of around, like in the family, that sort of thing. Samantha is also a single mom, this is the ex, to a 10 year old daughter. She was three to four years old when they started dating. My partner has a close relationship with her daughter and this is something I've always tried to support as the child has nothing to do with me or their breakup.

Or does it? They'll even FaceTime and it's a little awkward for me. Though I find her commitment to her ex's child admirable, I do struggle with this, not because she's spending time with the child, but because Samantha is still deeply in love with my partner. At the beginning of our relationship, she would call, text, and FaceTime multiple times a week.

I always found it to be weird, but it started making me uncomfortable when she began to ask my partner to give her another chance, professing her feelings for her. Bridget ended up blocking her for over a year. I know this is immature of me, but within the last year, something told me to check out Samantha's social media, and what I saw was bizarre, and if I'm honest, I feel a little embarrassed for her. She regularly makes TikToks about my partner where she's professing her love for her, saying that she's her soulmate and that she'll do anything to get her back.

Though I find it sad and embarrassing that this 37-year-old woman is consistently making TikToks about a person who broke up with her three years ago. I still find myself feeling insecure about this. When I express my concerns, my partner mostly validates my feelings, but also brushes it off. I wanna find a way to be more secure, knowing that Samantha's always gonna be around. Is it possible for Bridget to have a relationship

with this child without having a close friendship with Samantha? And what, if anything, should I do about the social media obsession? Lola. Oh, God. That is deep. That's also very complicated.

That goes outside of gay too. It's just sort of lifestyle. I mean, you have like, I don't, I think this is all your problem, you guys. It is. I think this is all about being gay. Yeah, and like, there's like codependency and toxicity and seriously. Boundary crossing. Boundary crossing and then there's a child involved.

I mean, it's just, it's a mess. This is a mess. I'm sorry. No, just that your partner needs to- Well, I was confused because I thought Bridget, the partner blocked. She had. She did.

She had blocked her, but then I think she unblocked her at some point. Okay. Yeah, she blocked her blog here. But Lola, right? The writer, Lola had not blocked her and fell into this awful habit of tracking her on social media, TikTok.

Is it TikTok? Whatever. So that's a problem. You just have to break that cycle. Just, you can fall into that easily. I think the issue lies definitely with Sam, right? You just have to know who Sam is and that Sam has some issues. But I think within the relationship, they have to know who Sam is and that Sam has some issues.

But I think within the relationship, they have to figure out what boundaries are gonna be there. Because kid or no kid, and I don't have kids, I really can't speak to it, but this woman seems a little unsafe. Totally unsafe. And also, this is an issue that her partner needs to address. Yes, that's what I'm saying. And it should be also with relation to the child. Like if you want me to continue to be in your child's life, which is what I want and my partner wants, you have to understand that I'm in another relationship

and you have to act in a mature way and respect that relationship. The relationship that I'm in. Like she has to honor that relationship. She's cross, TikToks about getting back together. What is she, an eighth fucking grade? That's what, that's where you're dealing with something different.

Yeah, exactly. That's not the most stable adult. But I honestly would say, like, I'm not gonna have a relationship with your child unless you can act in a more mature way about our relationship that is over. Can you do that? Because doesn't the child suffer?

The child does suffer, but it sounds like you have to give her, put something up there like that's at stake. Because right now she's just getting everything she wants. You know what I mean? She's got her involvement with the child. She's probably using her child to remain in her ex's life.

That's 100% true. And so when does that end? You know what I mean? Yeah, some serious boundaries need to be... to remain in her ex's life. That's 100% true. And so when does that end? You know what I mean? Yeah, some serious boundaries need to be. Wow. So it sounds like this is a conversation Lola needs to have with her partner

and say like, you gotta put some ground rules here. Yes. Yeah, I mean, if I found- And they can do it together. They can go to her and say- But you need a teammate. Lola needs a teammate in Bridget. Like there needs to be, you need to be.

I would go as a unified front to Sam and say, this is what we need from you. You have to, yeah, strength in numbers, absolutely. Well, also it's like we're together. Yeah, so you have to, yeah, so a unified front to the problem at hand, absolutely. Otherwise you're just, you're screaming into nothing. Is this a letter, is this an email?

What do we think? I don't think it's a text. Well, where do they live in proximity to each other? I think they need to sit face to face. This is a person to person. Yeah. In person. In a public setting, not at someone's house. What? Yeah. Don't come over. And I don't want to go to yours. Let's meet publicly. We'll get the check. Screaming it's screaming. Or crying, hopefully. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You wanna temper the...

I mean, I would say it's her responsibility because it's her ex and it's her relationship, but you guys are saying that they should do it together as a unified front. Either way, it should definitely be in person and it should be, you know, these are the new set of rules. Like either you can follow them and you can't be making TikToks about me.

Like that's a boundary across things. Like you can't do that. Find some fresher content. It's delusional and it's sad. And what does that say to your kid? Like your kid's gonna see those one day. People don't understand when you make those videos. They're there forever.

Like they're out there. And then everyone's gonna find everything, you know? Do you have TikTok? I do have TikTok, but I don't go on it. I mean, I have a social media team. Like I have enough addictions in my life, you know what I mean? I'm on Instagram, I'll go on Instagram,

but I don't on TikTok. I, it's like, no, I don't have the bandwidth for that. All right, well Lola, let us know how it goes. Poor Lola. I know, that's a lot. That's heavy. Well, our next caller is LK. LK has actually called in before. She called in on our Dylan Mulvaney episode,

which we recorded a long, long time ago. So LK says, hi, Chelsea, it's me again. LK, I have yet another crush to pick your brain about. I'm over the hump of working through some stuff back in the spring, so feeling a little bit more feisty. I've been working on myself relentlessly while engaging in a slippery slope with an old flame who I care about. Progress is being made, but I'm still not ready for a committed relationship. Meanwhile, I've developed a crush on my hairdresser.

Is this some gay rite of passage I've dodged until now? She's married to a man, oof, but this gal is the poster child of closeted homos. I know it's not my job to jumpstart her lessee awakening, but on the other hand, that seems like it could be super fun and gay. The problem is, she maintains she isn't gay while being really playful about how gay she presents to the world. I asked if my playfulness about it was offensive to her. She says, nope, you're just hurting your own feelings. She isn't wrong, but my gut tells me she's for the girls deep down in her soul Should I keep the playful flirting with hopes and prayers or just stick to my monthly haircut for a crush fix?

queerly confused LK Really simple. Can I just answer this? Oh go. Well, she might talk back and you're not gonna hear her. Sorry. I Have I have feelings on this? Thank God I have feelings on this. First of all, hi. Hi. Hello, hello. Hi. Hi. Thank God. There we go. Thank God.

I was dying. Okay, Kate has some very strong feelings about this. Hi, LK. Hello. This Kate and Leisha are here today, a special guest. I know, I'm having a little bit of gay panic. Hi, don't gay panic, please, please. But my word of advice is don't waste your energy

with your hairdresser. Why? Because it's too much trouble for very little payoff. I'm avoidant as fuck. And I think I'm using these crushes as a distraction from my real feelings. You feel me? You said there's somebody else

that's like a long term person you have feelings for, right? Yes, yes, yes. We've been on the block again for at least a couple years now and I keep, you know, doing the whole avoidant, running away thing. And I think these crushes. Why? Yeah, why? Why are you doing that? Well, I don't know. I'm asking you guys. Well, that situation is way better than the hairdresser. I move quick. Okay, let's talk about what's going on now.

Yeah, let's. But what about the avoidant problem? The other one, the one that you're on and off with. I have made some progress. We're seeing each other now. I'm trying to be very slow and deliberate. Going to therapy weekly still, I do think I've made some progress, but I still have the tendencies of just to engage in avoidant behaviors, you know, when things get a little too real, a bolt. Oh, that's what it is. Because you try to avoid conflict, yeah? No, no, intimacy.

Love. Love, yeah. Okay. You don't like being vulnerable. Yeah, I'm an enneagram eight. You sound like Shane, actually. You're gonna get real about it. I mean, you're an enneagram eight.

I'm an enneagram eight. I used to have problems being vulnerable and being intimate too. And therapy is exactly where you need to be for those issues. Yeah. You have to run... Listen, like, I know there's no fast-forwarding these emotions, but, like, you recognize a pattern in your behavior, you're doing something about it,

and every time you have an instinct that is your pattern, you have to try to fight that. You have to run towards what you're running away from in a sense. Great advice. And you have to practice that on a daily basis because it is totally possible to create new habits. It is totally possible.

I just got an email yesterday from Jane Fonda about something and she said, it's so nice, we were talking about something and she said, we were talking about therapy and she said, it's like when you create new neural pathways, it's like you're changing the temperature on a thermostat because once you change it, it doesn't change again until you go back and change it. And I thought that was such a great way to put it.

And it's so true, like doing the work of therapy is great but you have to supplement that with the work that you're doing on your own. When you're out there in the real world, you have to practice running towards the things that make you feel uncomfortable, that make you feel scared, because those are just feelings. That's a pattern of behavior,

something that happened in your childhood. It could have been many things that happened in your childhood. But what you're saying is you want a relationship, right? She died. I have to say, I think a lot of people don't even recognize her patterns till late in life. Yes. Like they don't even- But she's saying she's avoidant, so she knows it.

She knows it, but like a lot of people- That's the first step. Oh my God. Right? Don't you think half people are like asleep until you're like, oh, I've realized now I've been doing this my whole life. And then as soon as, it's so powerful to be told or to understand what your issue is

so that you can go out there and combat it. You're like, oh, okay, I'm this type of person. I might identify as this. I don't like this. I used to be like, oh, I don't like romance. I mean, I really don't like a lot of kitschy shit, you know, like Valentine's Day. I don't like when people, men send me flowers. Like, I'm just like, save that.

I'd rather get a nice note. Write me a card, write me a nice text. I value that way more than anything you could ever buy me or any kind of cheesy acts of love. But that's not a fear of intimacy. That's actually what I've learned is like my style, my things with intention, my love language. You know what I mean?

But I think once you identify what your issues are, like her fear of intimacy, that is so freeing to know that because that is the first and biggest step you get to correcting it. Exactly, like maybe with this girl she's with, she's been in this pattern of pushing her way, and maybe she just realized like, oh, I have an issue. Oh, she's back. Did we get too intimate for you?

Did you drop the call on purpose? No, my iPhone overheated. I'm on my lunch break in my car in Alabama and my iPhone overheated. I had like the air conditioner blowing on it. Yeah, you need to get as far away from Alabama as you can. But we understand, you understand how powerful it is to know what your issue is, right? You know that you have a fear of intimacy. You know you're avoided. Those are superpowers now.

You use those as superpowers. Because you're going to use that and go, look what I'm doing right now. This is me being avoided. Even if you say it to your girlfriend and start calling her your girlfriend, that is your girlfriend. And you actively want to, you want a relationship. Is that right? That's right.

Is it? You tell me. Do you want a relationship? Great. Keep saying that out loud. I want to be in a relationship.. I wanna be in a relationship. I wanna be in a relationship. I wanna love someone and I want them to love me.

Write that down every fucking morning. Put it on your mirror and say it to yourself and get comfortable with saying that. It's great to say those things. It's great to say, I wanna be in love. I wanna be loved. I wanna love. Say it, just keep fucking saying it.

And I love the practice of going towards what you're scared of, that's such a great, yeah, yeah. It's like a hat. There's a whole world waiting for you. There's a whole world waiting for you once you get over yourself. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

And identifying your issues is, I honestly would argue is probably like 75% of the agree of the work Now you just have to work at maintaining that because that's very very honest as when you were gone asleep at the wheel Leisha was saying you said it and I was like no you said it you said it who cares But you were saying that we don't realize our patterns. No. Oh, yeah. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Most people don't even realize that they're avoidant or that they have a fear of intimacy. So therefore,

I'm avoidant. Yeah. Okay, great. So this is there's so much power in that use it as power instead of using it as a crutch, okay? And you can even flip what you're saying. Like you're an avoidant, maybe you start saying, I'm vulnerable. I'm gonna be vulnerable. That's a good one. Okay.

Like change the script. Yeah, there's something like fun and distracting about serial crushes that like keep you from having to get into the hard work of a relationship. Oh, sure. Because they're always gonna be unattainable. That's the point. That's a very good point.

No, they're not straight or straight. Well, you might be challenged. Well, they're just not going to, it's just not going to happen. It's just a fantasy. Well, I don't even want it to. Yeah. Exactly. You don't even want it to, but it's a nice distraction.

Right. Also, she's straight. It sounds like, so that's like a big, that's a lot of hard work. More importantly, she's also married. So it's not that she's just gonna... Yeah, totally. Like, that's the third thing we brought up. You're a boy, she's straight and oh yeah, she's married.

Hey, Chelsea, I want to say something to you real quick. First of all, the book signs found me because of you Oh, yeah Impacted my life so much great So thank you for being so open and vulnerable with stuff like that because I've got a lot of grief a lot of help on the other side Yes, that was amazing So, okay. Thank you

And if you have a lot of grief and you have a lot of help on the other side, it's also important to be crying in front of people. Okay. You exercise that, cry in front of this person, let yourself be vulnerable, practice that and get better at it. I used to not be able to cry in front of anybody, anybody. I can cry in front of her, but she's one of the, maybe the only person that I can come from. Well, just keep practicing it.

You're going to get better at crying in front of people. You're going to get better at your vulnerability. It's a whole new world when you can do that. You're going to open up yourself to all these possibilities. Like, not everything has to be tightly wrapped up. And, you know, you don't have to predict something. You're going to find all of these people that want to love you and love on you and be with you and be your support system

when you are open and honest and vulnerable. And then you can do the same for others. It's like about spreading more love and more joyfulness to as many people as you can, especially in this fucking dark time that we're all living in. It's like you owe it to your, you owe it to your community and you owe it to yourself.

Yes, that's powerful stuff. Okay, good. Well, you listen to this podcast back, write down those things I told you to write down, I'm not joking. Put them on your mirror and say them every morning. Say affirmations to yourself. You're somebody who needs to do that. And then I'm sure we'll hear back from you in another six months about a problem that you had four months ago. Yeah, we're just gonna be like pen pals, but like... That's fine. I'm down. I'm down. I'm down. Perfect. And listen, I think you should do a show like this, like your show Chelsea Does Drugs, also like Meets Queer Eye,

and you bring on real people with their problems and you get really high and just knock them out. Okay. I don't know if my advice would be as effective high, but I probably would because I'm such a high functioning high person. OK, have a great day. OK, bye. Bye. Bye. It's so funny. You know, those people who are always laughing and upbeat and yes, totally. She's like Scott, that whole vibe about her.

Yeah, like, yeah, everything's great. Everything's great. And then you're like, everything's not great. Everything's not good. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard to keep that going, you know, that for very long. It breaks down. It does.

Yeah. It broke down on me at around 40. That's when I was like, mm. It's exhausting. Yeah. It's just this mask. You hate headphones, huh? That was just hurting my ears because of my glasses.

Oh yeah, I know. You know, and like the stems. I know, they hurt right now. And also there wasn't someone on the camera, so I just gave my ears a break. Okay, we're gonna take a break. Please tag me for the special because I get so many tags about my books, but I'm not getting as many about my special. And my special is the newest thing out, so I want to make sure all my ardent fans are watching it and tagging me and I'll repost you and yes it's called The Feeling. What happens when we come face to face with death? My truck was blown up by a 20-pound anti-tank mine. My parachute did not deploy. I was kidnapped by a drug cartel. I just remember everything getting dark. I'm dying. When we step beyond the edge of what we know.

To open our consciousness to something more than just what's in that Western box. And return. I clinically died. The heart stopped beating. Which I was dead for 11.5 minutes. My name is Dan Bush. My mission is simple. To find, explore, and share these stories.

I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor. You're strongest when you're the most vulnerable. To remind us what it means to be alive. Not just that I was the guy that cut his arm off, but I'm the guy who is smiling when he cut his arm off. Alive Again, a podcast about the fragility of life, the strength of the human spirit, and what it means to truly live. Listen to Alive Again on the iHeart Radio app,

Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Giving yourself that agency to not just be one thing, right? I don't have to be the perception that is crafted or the version of me that everyone is kind of projecting onto me, like I am having my human experience and it is faceted. It's so faceted and it's fascinating.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and Deeply Well is a sanctuary for your healing. I'm Devi Brown, healer, well-being expert, teacher and fellow seeker. And each week we explore what it means to become whole through soul expanding conversations and practices. Why focus on tiny joys? Well, because they remind us of what it means to be human.

They anchor us in the present moment and they create ripples of gratitude that nourish our spirit. Tiny joys are acts of self-love. To hear this and more ways to prioritize your piece, listen to Deeply Well from the Black Effect Podcast Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. AT&T.

Connecting changes everything. I know a lot of cops, and they get asked all the time, have you ever had to shoot your gun? Sometimes the answer is yes. But there's a company dedicated to a future where the answer will always be no. Across the country, cops called this Taser the revolution. But not everyone was convinced it was that simple. Cops believed everything that Taser told them. From Lava for Good and the team that brought you Bone Valley comes a story about what happened

when a multi-billion dollar company dedicated itself to one visionary mission. This is Absolute Season One, Taser Incorporated. I get right back there and it's bad. It's really, really, really bad. Listen to new episodes of Absolute Season One, Taser Incorporated on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Binge episodes one, two, and three on May 21st and episodes four, five, and six on June 4th. Add free at Lava for Good Plus on Apple Podcasts.

The American West with Dan Flores is the latest show from the Meat Eater Podcast Network, hosted by me, writer and historian Dan Flores, and brought to you by Velvet Buck. This podcast looks at a West available nowhere else. Each episode, I'll be diving into some of the lesser known histories of the West. I'll then be joined in conversation by guests such as Western historian Dr. Randall Williams and bestselling author and meat eater founder, Stephen Rinella. I'll correct my kids now and then where they'll say when cave people were here. And I'll say, it seems like the ice age people that were here didn't have a real affinity for caves.

So join me starting Tuesday, May 6th, where we'll delve into stories of the West and come to understand how it helps inform the ways in which we experience the region today. Listen to The American West with Dan Flores on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You have questions? And we're back. Hi. We're back. podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. You have questions? And we're back. We're back from the break, you guys.

Okay. Alicia, I'm hoping you don't have too many questions about this because we're hoping for advice. So Brittany says, dear Chelsea, I'm not sure how familiar you are with queer culture, but there's a common stereotype known as lesbian bed death. This term refers to the inevitable decline in sex amongst long-term lesbian relationships. One factor at play is my now-absence of libido, which is the direct result of antidepressants. We've tried scheduling sex without much success. Another factor that some may relate to is when you get comfortable in a relationship and it's easy to not keep up with physical

appearance as you once did, which has led to a decrease in attraction for us. Any advice on how to deal with this, Brittany? I have a straight question because this is, I feel like it's a myth, I'm gonna say, lesbian bed death, or it's been put on us. And we have this- It got put on us.

Right, but doesn't that happen in straight relationships? Yes, we get emails all the time. Totally, it does happen. It does happen, I think it happens. Does it have a name? But like, I mean, it's, I think, yeah, I mean, I've never heard the term bed death before, but I mean. What do the straight people call it?

They don't call it anything. They call it like, I'm fucking sick of you, you know? Like, it's hard to maintain a fucking hot sex life with, I mean, living together, just, I mean, there are couples that have healthy sex lives and most of those couples don't have children. A, that's one thing. B, you get sick of people.

Like the reason why I love long distance relationships is because, you know, it's something like, you're not gonna get sick of, you know, you're not gonna annoy me in five days. And if you are, that's a big problem. But I like that sparing amount of time with someone. I know my personality, and I would experience bed death within the first year.

You have to be really into somebody, and you have to work hard at maintaining some sort of sex life that's new and fun and original, and that's really hard to do. Because you usually set up a dynamic with somebody and then you have that dynamic. And so you're not creating new sexual like shenanigans with someone.

That feels false and it's also awkward. Well, the scheduling of sex, it makes me cringe. The making of novels with... No, you have to schedule, no, the scheduling where you say, okay, on Tuesdays, this is gonna be our time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That gives me the creeps. Right, I find that. But people that is advised though, No, I know it's been. It's been very, like people say, no, it actually works. I can't understand that, but people do it. It's also helpful for people who are in a dry spell just to get back into the act of having sex

because it's like when you don't use your vagina, you start to go, well, I don't need sex, you know, like who cares? It's like women when they hit menopause are like, well, I'm not. It hurts. I can't have sex. And it's like, well, you have to use your vagina not to lose your vagina. And also when you're with somebody for 20 years, most straight couples stop making out. You know, they're not kissing. They're not making out. They're having sex. But it's rudimentary.

It's like, oh God, I have- It's the scheduled sex thing on Tuesdays. Exactly, it's like, oh, come on, you wanna meet me in the shower and we can get it done real quick? So it's like, check, check, got it done. I have a lot of friends who talk like that. And a lot of friends, when I say,

do you make out with your husband, I would say 90% of my straight friends do not make out with their husbands. They would love to, but that ship has sailed. I've heard that making out actually is more powerful than like scheduling sex time with your long-term partner. Kissing is everything. Yeah, kissing is like the most intimate thing.

It also gets you going. Right. Yes, it does. But even if it doesn't get that far, it still like represents a level of intimacy that sex doesn't always. Absolutely, and there's like cuddling and like snuggling that goes along with kissing that goes a long way too.

Like there is intimate, that is intimate. That is intimacy as well. Sex can be non-intimate, you know? Yeah, that's true too. But lesbian bed death, it's like the lesbian bed death thing, I think it gets put on us because you think of two women and two women get together and they just want to like nuzzle in and stay at home and nurture and get a bunch of cats and never leave and order takeout. Exactly. And so

I think that's how that stigma got put on on us. Yeah. Just the overall stereotype. Scheduling sex is awful. But scheduling a date night where you can actually reconnect with your partner and like go do something novel and different I like I like it. I I'm with you on the date night thing Yeah, if you make a point to like go have dinner or go out and have drinks and get out of the house Rekindle intimacy rather than just the sex part of it I'll also say because of the antidepressant thing like you don, I know like antidepressants are tricky to get it right, but if you're open to experimenting with some other stuff,

like talk to your doctor because, and say like, this is what I'm experiencing, I have no sex life because of this, what else can we try? So that might be something to do too. Okay, well on that very depressing note, I would like to say I am very happy that I am single and that the next person I have sex with is hopefully gonna be a lot of fun. Well, that'd be new.

Yeah, that'd be new. That will do. It's like, even when I'm breaking up with someone, I'm like... I can never be sad, because I'm like, there's just a new adventure on the horizon. Right. That's a nice, optimistic way of seeing things. And it's just, but that's how I feel. I'm always like, well, that, okay, that was served its purpose. What other candy is out there?

Yeah, that doesn't really help the caller, but that's just my personal philosophy. The grass is always greener. The book is called So Gay For You. It's written by Alicia Haley and Kate Menig. And I think I said it better the first time, but that's your fault for having that last name. It's a great book and these ladies wrote it together, which is so cute.

Thanks. How gay. Get yourself a copy and tune in and you can follow them both on Instagram and on TikTok. And they follow me on TikTok. No, not TikTok. That's TikTok. No, not on TikTok. That's what will be the name of the episode, not on TikTok. Not on TikTok.

Can't see this on TikTok. Thank you ladies for coming in today. Thank you so much. Thank you for having us. Yeah. Okay, my remaining dates for Vegas. There are remaining dates for this year. Summertime is coming and I will be in Vegas at the Cosmo

doing my residency on July 5th, will be the next date that I'm there, July 5th, August 30th, and then November 1st and 29th. November 1st and November 29th, I will be in Las Vegas at the Cosmo performing Inside Myself at the Chelsea. It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay? Thank you. Do you want advice from Chelsea? Write into dearchelseepodcast at gmail.com. Find full

video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. This is an iHeart Podcast.