Dear Chelsea - Taking Your Own Advice with Shelly Tygielski

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

This week, Chelsea is joined by mindfulness coach and meditation expert Shelly Tygielski to talk about being a conduit for compassion, getting clarity, and her new book, Sit Down to Rise Up: How Radical Self-Care Can Change The World. A corporate worker struggles with being underappreciated and underpaid at his job. A would-be grandma wonders if it’s strange that she’d rather her kids didn’t procreate. And an ex-girlfriend has concerns about sexual shame left over from a bad boyfriend. *Executive Producer Nick StumpfProduced by Catherine LawEdited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert*****The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, good afternoon, people. Good morning. Good evening. Buenos dias. Buenos tardes. Buenos noches. Welcome to the Dear Chelsea podcast. We are in season two. And hi, Katherine. How are you doing? Hi, I'm great today. Oh, yeah. You look so chipper. I love it. Well, thanks. I've had my coffee or I've been drinking this mud water, which is very tasty and I'm not missing coffee. So what is mud water? It's adaptogens. It's like

some kind of mushroom thing. It has like a little bit of caffeine like a tea amount of caffeine but it tastes like chai oh i've been drinking chais chais with oat milk that's what joe gets me when he goes to coffee bean that's his favorite place but what the fuck is chai is chai tea i don't i think it's a tea and i think you can get a latte version like if you go to a starbucks or something or go to a coffee shop but yeah i think I think it's a tea. Is it sugar? It has a lot of sugar. I think they add sugar and a little bit. You could say easy sugar, but I think it'd be too spicy without sugar. I have an iced chai with oat milk. I like that. And I guzzle it. I love it. Oh my God. It's so delicious. And then I was like, what am I drinking? I don't even know what's in this. I like a hot, a soy chai latte because I think that adds a little extra natural sweetness from the soy milk. That's what I like.

The problem with hot drinks with me, as soon as I have a sip of anything hot, I start to perspire underneath my arms. Yes. And a couple of other places. I have a very special friend today. Okay, so on this podcast, we talk about the pandemic of love a lot. That my friend, Shelly Tagelsky, started, founded, and executes on the regular. And I know that because I have people hit me up on Instagram for money all the time. And I finally have somewhere to send them besides giving them my own money. There's actually a resource for people. And what's even, well, not more exciting, but equally as exciting as Pandemic of Love

is that she has a new book that comes out on October 26th. And it's called Sit Down to Rise Up, which is a book I've mentioned earlier, but I really can't say enough amazing things about it. And I have to encourage all of our listeners to go get a copy of this book to make you a better member of your community, to make you feel like a contributor and somebody who is there not just for yourself, but for your neighbors and for the people that are really in

need. Because there are times in our lives where we need help and there are times in our lives where we can give help. So it is good for everybody to be a community member and a team builder, if you will. I don't know what that means, but I've heard it's a corporate term and I like it. Anyway, please welcome Shelly Tagelsky. Hi, Shelly. Hi. Hi. Shelly and I became friends at the Wisdom 2.0 conference. That's right. With Dan, my psychiatrist. She knows Dan. I do. And I met her backstage and she was wearing one of her ridiculously colorful, bright outfits. And I just in a sea of psychiatrists, neurophysicists, neuroscientists, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, spiritualists. I just looked at her outfit and I'll never forget. I think you had rainbow sneakers. I did a whole rainbow outfit. Yeah. And we met backstage and she was normal. And I was like, you know, I felt, well, you are, you're a normal person for the most part, but not a regular person. You're a normal person. And we went out that night for drinks. I was with my

sister, Simone, my sister, my older sister, because it was in San Francisco. And we went out for drinks that night and we just all hit it off. And now she's really good friends with my sister, Simone. I am. And they spend so much time together. My sister, Simone. Yeah, that's your sister too. Yeah. My sister's like, I'll take Shelly. Thank you. I love her. I know. She's good. She's good. So let's talk about the book first, because this is your first book. It is my first book. It's nerve wracking. Is it? It's frightening and it's exciting at the same time, for sure, because you're putting so much of yourself out there and you're really nervous about what the reception is going to be. Right. But the book is really about connecting the inner work with the outer world.

It's frustrating for me as somebody who's in this industrial wellness complex that is constantly trying to sell you things, you know, more beauty products, more chai lattes, more of everything. And it's frustrating for me because I see so many people who spend so much time just working on themselves constantly. And I'm like, in pursuit of what? Just so that you could be better or because you actually want to show up differently in the world. And so the whole premise of the book is really to knock people off their asses a little bit and encourage them to not just sit down in meditation and do the inner work, but to rise up and actually make it effective for everybody. The fact that you're a better person because a better version of the world starts with the best version of ourselves. Right. And you don't even necessarily need to meditate to rise up.

Correct. You don't need to sit down to rise up, but it is a great tool to help you. Once you can apply that to yourself, it's easier to apply it to the world. Yes. But, you know, you can do one. You can rise up and you don't have to meditate. If anyone's here like, fuck, I can't do it. I can't rise up because I can't meditate. Everyone can meditate, Chelsea.

You know that. I know that everyone can meditate. I know that. Well, that everyone can meditate. I know that. Well, actually, that's not true. Well, everyone can, but a lot of people get really, really, they lose interest really quickly. That's true. But I think it's also because we set these like lofty goals for ourselves and we think like, oh, I need to sit down for 20 minutes and burn incense and chant and have a mantra. And that you can actually just meditate in increments of like 90 seconds a day.

And that's been proven to be really effective. So you can incrementally just reset multiple times throughout the day and still show up differently. Yeah, I was on a tour bus recently with Joe Coy. You know Joe, obviously. We've spent some time with him. You saw him this morning at my house

when because Shelly slept at my house last night and Joe also slept at my house last night without not together we didn't sleep actually well maybe we did I just want to clarify that and I was on his tour bus traveling and I didn't have any alone time because when I'm with Joe I'm with Joe all the time and I didn't have any alone time to meditate and And I did that. I just was like, I was with seven men on a bus. Oh my God. Driving through the middle of the night to our hotel that we would arrive at at five in the morning, living a life that I don't want to live. I mean that I didn't want to live, but I will because I like to be with him. And I would do that. I did those like little bursts, like 90 seconds, just breathing, like just sitting alone and taking three or four really deep inhales and really slow exhales and just calming yourself and calming your brain. And that does really work, too. Yeah, I feel like because I like to be such minutes every single day, and if I miss two days in a row, I'm like, oh, it's over.

It's over. I'm going to get arrested. You know, like it's a nice little kind of thing to do. And I know Eckhart Tolle talks about that, too, that it's not about necessarily sitting and meditating for a certain period of time. It's about taking those breaks throughout the day. So that's always good advice. So the book talks about how to kind of do all of that. And in the book, you talk about how you started a meditation group in Florida where you lived.

With 12 friends on the beach in Hollywood, Florida. I had 12 girlfriends that were all going through very different times of their lives. Like one just had cancer. Another one was going through a divorce. Another was an empty nester. Everybody was going through some sort of like a clusterfuck moment in their lives. And I was that annoying friend who would always tell people like, you should meditate. And finally, one of my friends called me out and she said, well, then teach us how to meditate.

Like stop telling us what to do and actually just teach us. So I said, yeah, great. Let's all just meet on the beach on a Sunday morning. And we did in November of 2015. And within six months, we had a thousand people show up to meditate together just through word of mouth, which was incredible. And so the community, which stopped meeting obviously due to COVID, the last time I actually was on that beach was on March of 2020, eventually had 15,000 people that were part of that group, which is really phenomenal and a testament to how you can

just, you know, snowball things by just continuously showing up. Oh, that's amazing. 15,000 people. That's so crazy. And you came from corporate America. Yeah. She was running a Fortune 500 company. What is something along those lines? I like to throw around corporate terms. Sure. Yeah, sure. But you were running a company. Yes, I was. I was running a company with 2,400 employees in 14 markets across the country. And I was as miserable as it could be. Like, I finally reached my goal. I was like, yes, I finally made it.

I wanted to be a CEO. I was living a very goal-centered life. And I was 36 years old. And I remember working late one night. Everybody was gone from the office. It was me and, like, the person, like, cleaning the floor. It was me and like the person like cleaning the floor. And I just looked around and I started to cry. I just wept.

And I was like, I'm so miserable. Is this really as good as my life's going to get now? Like I finally reached my goal, right? This is my whole life I've been pining for this. And I realized that night like that something really big and drastic had to happen. And when I got home that night after sitting in traffic, because I-95 is always under construction. I'm sure that will resonate with anyone on the I-95 corridor. I got home and my son, who at the time was, I think, like 14 years old, looked at me and he said, you know, mom, you know what the happiest day of my life is going to be?

And I said, what? And he said, the day you quit your damn job. And I was like, whoa, you should start taking your own advice, lady. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's a nice wake up call. But that woke you up, right? It did. It totally did. It threw me out of the nest. Out of the mouth of babes. Isn't that what parents say? Out of the mouths of babes. Yes, exactly. And then something else. I don't know the rest of the saying and that's because I'm barren. Okay, so today since I do have somebody who actually

has a lot of experience. Oh, and I also went to a retreat. Let's just quickly recap that. So I was on Martha's Vineyard a few summers ago. Kelly strong-armed me into coming to a retreat in Berry, Pennsylvania. No, Barry, Massachusetts. Barry, Massachusetts. Sorry, my bad. That's right. Barry, Massachusetts. And I'm like an idiot. I said, sure, sure. It was a gun violence survival retreat. So basically a lot of people from Parkland and a lot of people from Pittsburgh and Chicago, Southside Chicago were there. And so I was like, really, is this appropriate, A, for me to even be there? But it was because, you know, once you get there, everyone was staying on. What is that place called?

It's called the Forest Refuge. It's a Buddhist meditation center that's part of IMS, which is Insight Meditation Society that was founded by Sharon Salzberg and Jack Kornfeld. Right. OK. And those two are very big in the meditation mindfulness game. Yes. And I stayed at a hotel because obviously that wasn't going to work. At a bed and breakfast. I would hardly call it a hotel. Right. Right. I stayed at what was available closest to the spa. That's right.

After the first couple of days, so there was like, you know, breakout sessions, you have kind of like group sessions, you get put with a group and then lunch comes and everyone prepares the lunch together. Right. You have a different job. Yeah, they're different. You have a yogi job. And I obviously, you know, can't prepare anything. You cut carrots.

I have video of that. Because, I mean, I can cut a carrot. But once I got wind of like that would be the meal situation, I had to start to think outside the box. And so one day I was like, I was like, I can eat soup and like vegetarian food. But at some point I'm going to need something a little bit spicier or with a little bit more, you know, action. So I finally found a pizza place and I remember going on like day three, I went and I was like, I'm fucking done with this food. I am going off on some pizza. And I went to this pizza place and I ordered garlic knots and entire pizza. And I sat down at the table. And as soon as I and I had all the food

spread out in front of me and I was like, I am going off. I've eaten nothing but like cabbage and soup and what it was very borscht. Yeah, borscht. It was borscht. Something I didn't know that I didn't need. And then two other people from the retreat walked in at the same time. And I just I mean, I mean, I looked like Harvey Weinstein at a dinner table. Like, it was so disgusting what I was preparing to just shove down my throat. And as I looked up, I'm like, oh no, I'm caught.

And then I'm like, wait, they're fucking here too. Right, it's a small town. Oh my God. And then the last night, I remember there was that cute black guy there that I was like, had a little crush on and flirtation with. Oh yeah, you had a nickname for him. I can't remember what it was. The last night we all had drinks and then we invited them over and they came over and I was like, oh God, if I hook up at this retreat, it will all be worth it. I mean, it was worth it anyway, obviously, but that would have just been even better. But I'm glad I didn't

hook up with him anyway, because then I saw that picture of him on the beach. Anyway, so we're going to take some callers. Yeah, I think we actually, Catherine, who do we have first? We actually have Alex, who we talked to last season, and you sent him to see Shelly at Pandemic of Love. So he is going to join us and tell us a little bit about his experience. Yay! I love it! Hi, Alex.

Hi. Hi, Alex. I could just cry, I swear. How wonderful. Oh, my gosh. Shelly, It's so good to see you. Oh my gosh. Hi, Chelsea. You and Joe are so cute. Stop it. They are so cute together. Oh my God. Look how happy you are. I remember last time we spoke, you were so remember? Oh my God. So Alex, for our listeners, let me just recap. So the last time

Alex called in, you were really stressed out about your rent, about seeing your father who had just recently been diagnosed, right? With some cancer. Yeah, he was in radiation, yeah. Yes, and you had no, you were a hot mess because you were dealing with so much stress and it was in the middle of COVID

and you didn't think you could afford your rent. You didn't know if you were gonna get kicked out and you couldn't afford to go see your father. And I said to get in touch with Pandemic of Love. And within, I don't know, 72 hours, you had a plane ticket back to see your dad. I mean, talk about miracle working, Shelley. That is a miracle. I mean, it's just a conduit, really, right?

It's just so beautiful. It is beautiful. I just, in retrospect, I feel like at the time I was like flailing. I felt like I was drowning and there was like nothing to grab onto because it was like, my dad's sick. My job has been negatively impacted by the pandemic. My housing situation is kind of messed up. And it just felt like there was no kind of safe ground.

And yeah, it was wild how quickly Shelly was just like, what do you need? I'm here for you. It's really the last thing you think about when you're in the midst of all that was ask somebody for help. It was just the last thing that came to mind because I think that what's fundamental about your organization, Shelly, is that there's a realization that the last 18 months are bizarre and not normal. And what we're going through is not normal. And we can't have prepared for this, even if we wanted to. Right. And we all need each other. Yeah. I think oftentimes we're so in this state of freeze, right? Fight, flight or freeze. And so a lot of us just freeze when we're like flailing, as you described it. And we we don't know what to do. So we don't do anything.

Yeah. You know, and asking for help is like very intimidating. What's also special about your kind of care is that I intentionally, I don't know if you felt this at all, but I like after maybe the first week or so kind of took a step back from sending you updates because you're so upfront with all of the people you're helping who are in such enormous need. And it's really difficult to feel worthy of help, you know, amongst all those people. And I kind of took a step back and just thought, you know, you helped me like cover when I rent checks, you helped me cover a wildly late electric and gas bill. And then I was just like, you know what, I don't think I need any. You helped me cover a wildly late electric and gas bill. And then I was just like, you know what, I don't think I need any more. And then about a month later, you DM to me

and you're like, so that trip to see your dad. I was like, what? Like, how is I thought that like, it was a wrap on this. Like, you entered my heart. You, you care. You love like relentlessly and I think that is such like a special gift especially like as somebody as a teacher to to love so relentlessly for so many people is like oh that's so true that is so true I wake up and there's texts from her going you are special you are loved you need to hear this today and I I'm like, what? I mean, where does that capacity come from? I would say it comes from 20 years of meta practice, loving kindness practice, but really just expanding your heart out. I think the more we we love on people, the more that it just bounces back and comes back to us, you know, and it's contagious. Like I've become I feel like a better teacher just through our small interactions with each other. It's really, really special. I could cry thinking

about it. I'm going to cry, Alex. Well, now everyone's crying. I know. Catherine, are you crying? A little bit. Can you cry? Can you start crying too? I will. So tell us, how's your dad doing by the way? Yeah. How was your trip? Oh, he's good. Yeah. You know how those trips to see your parents, I think, get more special as you enter your mid-20s. We smoked a blunt together. We went and visited my mom's gravestone, which we probably haven't done since she died.

Wow. And I hadn't been home in over two years. So just being home, I think, after being in the city and experiencing that really intense drop of the pandemic, it was nice. It was a really good breath of fresh air. So it was amazing. His doctor apparently thinks that he'll be fine for the next two years at least. So definitely a breath of fresh air because it was looking pretty bleak for a minute. Oh, that's great. That's great news. That's amazing. Oh, I'm so happy.

I'm so happy, too. And that's the other thing is I told this to Shelly already, but like I didn't even realize how valuable that trip was because I hadn't seen my dad in two years and I might only have two years left with him. So it's truly a priceless gift that you gave me, Shelly. Thank you. Well, it came through Chelsea and it was through her community. So let's remember that it takes a community. That's the whole premise of this, right? It's not one person. It's like we're all, if you are brave enough to ask for help, which you were and you are, then it allows for that floodgate of love to come in.

And I'm so happy that we were able to surround you with that love. That's amazing. You're worth it. Yeah. And it's great to hear that you're also reciprocating that out to other people. Yeah. Because when you are loved, you love, right? That's right. And when you feel it, you want to give it. So it's always important to remember, instead of withholding or retreating, to always move towards someone and towards another person. Yeah.

Loneliness is sort of selfish in a way. It's like in receiving love, you're actually able to like become a vessel for that to pass on. It's almost like if you ignore that care, it's kind of a lost possibility. That's right. And how's your teaching going, by the way? I mean, it's better.

Broadway's open, baby. I love it. I love it. You have to come to my show at the Beacon. So both of you, you're both coming in October? We'll both be there that same week. Yeah. to come to my show at the Beacon. So both of you, you're both coming in October? We'll both be there that same week. Yeah.

You'll get us both in the same week. Oh, fun. I love it, Alex. I love these updates. That's so fucking awesome. I can't wait to meet you and hug you in person. Me too. Thank you so much, you two.

Thank you. Okay, bye. Bye, take care. Love you, love you, love you. Aw. Yeah. He deserves our love, right? Everyone does. So amazing. Joe says I love you to everyone and I'm just going to start saying it too. Yes, you should. Everybody loves you. Everybody tells you they love you. Well, I know. I know. I sometimes I don't say I love you to people because I find it to be insincere, but you know what? It's just good to say I love you. I think so, too. Or even love you. You don't have to like make it romantic.

OK, Catherine, so what else do we have today? Well, today we're talking about bettering yourself. And I feel like we just did talking to Alex. We're talking about self-love, continuing education, healing from a bad relationship, all kinds of ways people are bettering themselves. Okay, let's do it. That sounds like a great place to take a quick break and we'll be back with some callers. Sounds good. Awesome. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor we got the answer will space junk block your cell signal the astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer

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or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, we're back, and Catherine's taken off her blazer. She's really loosening up. My pants are still off and Shelley's wearing a jumpsuit. I am. Actually, I have that exact jumpsuit. And I literally wore it just for you because you're the jumpsuit queen. And I was like, what should I wear?

I'm going to wear a jumpsuit for Chelsea. I just had to pack for my tour and I was like, I thought I was going away for four days. And then I found out I was going away for three weeks. I was like, oh, fuck. I'm like, how many jumpsuits is that? They're like, you need 10 outfits. I'm like, oh, I'm going to need another influx of jumpsuits. But anyway, never mind that part of the conversation. It doesn't really make any sense to anybody who can't visualize what I'm talking about. Okay, so who's next? So our first question today comes from Alyssa. She says, Dear Chelsea, My name is Alyssa, and I'm calling in from Denver, Colorado. And I am seeking your advice on how to

cultivate the best relationship with yourself. I just got out of a long-term relationship that ended during the pandemic. I thought it was going to end in marriage. Turns out it just ended. I'm really actually feeling empowered by the decisions I've made that feel true to myself. And at the same time, I feel nervous about how to move forward. So I thought I would call in and just ask for what advice you might give to someone who is newly single and interested in renewing that relationship with themselves. Oh, that's always good. Nice. Yeah. Because when you go inward, that's when you start to get good stuff going, right? When you're ready to take a look at yourself and create a deeper

relationship with yourself is when then you really start to glow. Yeah, I think it was Walt Whitman who wrote, alone and the soul emerges. So if you're willing to go in and go deep, when you get quiet, things can get really, really loud. And that's pretty amazing. Yeah. It's also good like that for decision making when you get really quiet. That's something I've learned through meditation. When you can't decide on something or you're having trouble making a decision to just go and sit alone in silence. And the answer does come to you. It comes to you in your gut and you know like, oh, OK, this is the real me, not your ego. That's right.

It's like your real me, your soul, who you are telling you what to do. Right. And we usually do exactly the opposite. We usually ask for advice from like everybody who shouldn't even be giving us advice. Exactly. So we just like clutter the space with like all this noise. That's my signature dish. Or it was to go around and just get as.

And then I'm looking just for somebody to agree with me, you know. And once I get somebody to agree with me, I'm like, OK, that's the right decision. Right. Which you would have gotten to anyway, had you gone to hit pause for a moment to sort of recalibrate and get in touch with yourself, because most people can just jump from one relationship to the next or, you know, they try to fill that void, if you will, that exists with something else, with a vice or with another boyfriend or with activities or busyness. So congratulations on that. You're on your way. I would say that I'm a very big fan of two things. First, journaling. I write in journals every day. I have for the last, I don't know, God, since I was like in fifth grade

or something and somebody bought me a diary, like a pink diary with like a unicorn on it. But I actually think that writing things down helps you sort your thoughts out. And if you are intimidated by a blank page, there's so many different options for journals that already have prompts that are listed that can really help you get your juices flowing and help you think through a lot of kind of like bigger questions that maybe when you're so busy in a relationship because you give so much of yourself when you're in a dedicated relationship, it can help you actually sort of bring the focus and the center back to yourself and really ask questions like, well, what do I want with my life? You know, what do I want to do? How do I want to show up? And what do I really want for my next relationship?

And it can help you just sort of exfoliate all of that through writing very gently. The other thing I would say is that, you know, you should really consider and think about how you want to invest in yourself, right? Now that you have all this free time and you're not in a relationship, what are some of the things that maybe you did not allow yourself to do? You know, whether it's taking a class or learning a language or traveling or really anything that you could possibly think of that you may have given up on or not even embarked on because you were in a relationship. And a relationship is compromised. We always have to do that. But some relationships are worth doing that for because you can grow together with the person. But I would say just pick one thing. Pick one thing that you are willing to explore,

that you've always wanted to explore and gift yourself with that. And you'll see how amazing things can unfold. And who knows, maybe you'll meet your next partner when you're embarking on that journey. Yeah, I think that's great advice. I like what you said, because I would never suggest journaling because I don't do it. And I just, I won't do it. But I like that because I think a lot of people benefit from it. And it's really helpful to put your thoughts down on paper. My thoughts are always coming out of my mouth. So it's like, I don't have to worry about it. Also, you know, meditation, which I suggest to everyone is a really good way to get to know yourself because you start to understand how your brain works and the distractions that your mind kind of has a pattern with.

Yeah. So the thing that we talk about a lot on this podcast is when you're not feeling like you're doing it well or you're doing it right. But that's what meditation is. It's getting focus again. It's losing focus and then reclaiming the focus. And it's setting yourself up to understand that your only job is to sit there with your breath and focus. And as soon as your mind drifts, to take it back to the focus. But understanding that your mind is going to continuously drift. That is part of meditation.

And it helps so much. I just read this other book about meditation. And it was, I won't mention the name because we're only talking about sit down to rise up from for the rest of our lives. And which is a book that everyone needs to buy. And the two biggest benefits they said were impulsivity and focus. So now when I can have a crazy, crazy day with 85 things scheduled, but I can be focused at every single thing that I'm at. That's right. And that is a result of meditation because before I had severe ADHD or ADD, I don't know, it was never diagnosed. I don't need anybody to diagnose it because I can diagnose myself. Right. And I know a pharmacologist. Yeah. And I needed, and a doctor that doesn't have a degree, a degree listless doctor, and my reactions, you know, reactions to things. Now I can go, oh, look, look how fast your chest is beating because of

something that just happened. Now I notice my body before my brain does something with it. You know, I go, oh, oh, that's you having a reaction to something. And you know what? You're not going to do it this time. And my focus is so much better than it was. So that's also a great way to get to know yourself and to get to know your thought patterns and to rehabituate yourself with different thought patterns. And yes, again, also the fact that you're even asking the question means that you've taken the first step into discovering yourself and getting to know yourself better. And I love what you said about maybe not having that had the time in a relationship to explore certain things, but then being able to do that, you know, taking the time now to go, you know, do whatever it is that you find interesting.

And meeting somebody like that is a strong possibility because when you say to the world or the universe or whatever you think, when your energy is like, hey, I'm getting healthy and as healthy as I can be, all you're going to attract is other healthy people. That's right. Yeah, you're definitely putting that energy out there. So it's a major domino effect. It's just like, you know, if you sit, if you complain about something, then that becomes your narrative. And if you are happy about something, then that becomes your narrative. So it's like, what do you want to spend your time doing? Being happy or complaining?

What you focus on expands. That's right. There you go, Catherine. There you go. Yeah. Catherine is also a psychiatric unicorn. I do my best. A degree-less doctor.

We're all degree-less doctors here. Do you have a degree? We don't want to talk to you. If you have a degree, we are not interested in communicating. My degree is in playwriting. So that's perfect. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, then maybe you'd be interested in start journaling and starting to journal, Catherine, if you haven't already, since you're already good at writing. Okay. Anyway. Well, that was good, right? Yeah. I think, Alyssa, you've got some tools in your toolbox and just keep adding more tools

in your toolbox. That's the point. Yeah. And I'm glad that your relation, you know, every time a relationship ends, it is a beginning add some tools in your toolbox and just keep adding more tools in your toolbox. That's the point. Yeah. And I'm glad that your relation, you know, every time a relationship ends, it is a beginning of something new, a beginning of a new phase of your relationship. So when anything ends in my life now, I have that attitude like, okay, that wasn't meant to be for much longer or that's over. But look how exciting the next thing is. Because anytime something ends, something exciting begins. That is just the way the world works.

Yeah. And, you know, you can speak from a personal space because you had spent the last few years not in a relationship, right? Several years. Yeah. And you really did a lot of deep dive, like work on yourself, went to therapy, tried new things, said yes to a lot of things. And you were able to create new connections and really discover a better version of yourself. Yeah. And you know what? A lot of my relationships didn't survive my therapy. Not a lot, but a couple of important relationships in my life

didn't survive therapy. And that was also a good thing for me. It was a good thing to get rid of that kind of unhealthy attachments or negativity. And even though it felt it was like, oh, you get healthy and you realize you want to be around healthy people and you want to have healthy relationships that have boundaries and that are adult like instead of, you know, living out your childhood as an adult. Amen, sister. As-salamu alaykum. Well, our next question comes from Clayton. He is in Chicago. He says, Dear Chelsea, back in 2019, I started at a company where I knew the CEO and taking this position allowed me to go back to school in the evenings. The CEO has been super

supportive. I told her I would need to go down to four days a week at work, working longer hours during those four days. She agreed, and all is good. Several people left the company in the past two years, and many of those responsibilities got added to my role, the most recent being an extremely time-consuming data entry position that layers on top of my current full-time responsibilities. When discussing my concerns about workload with HR, I asked if there would be a monetary supplement for taking on these additional responsibilities. When discussing my concerns about workload with HR, I asked if there would be a monetary supplement for taking on these additional responsibilities. The HR person promptly replied, no, there will not, and went on to say that they didn't think I was contributing enough to the company to justify my current salary. I was taken aback as I take pride in my

work ethic and the quality of work I put out. I'm typically a happy person, but I can't get the negative thoughts of work out of my mind. How do I flush this negativity out of my system and get back to the self I enjoy being? Clayton. And he's with us. Hi, Clayton. Hey, how are you? We're good. How are you? I'm doing great.

Well, that's really frustrating. I can imagine how frustrating that must be to take on extra work and then be told you're not doing enough, which is complete and utter horseshit. Yeah, I have I have some probing questions, though, to just learn a little bit more. So you're still in school. Yes. Yes. I have two years left. Got you. So you've you're still working four days a week. And I'll put that in quotations because I'm sure it's not actually four days a week. It's just for Monday through Thursday, let's say. But you're working weekends probably.

Yeah. And overtime. Are you still friends with the CEO of the company? I am. Yeah. We have a really nice rapport. Okay. And have you had this conversation with the CEO? Or do you feel like it's something that you

don't want to go to or risk the rapport of the relationship with the CEO? Yeah, I haven't gone to her yet, mainly because when I was talking to the HR person, she prefaced it as we think instead of I think. So the confusing thing for me is really if this was an issue, I'm surprised that she didn't say anything to me. Right. In other words, if you weren't contributing enough before, your supervisor should have at least mentioned that to you and said, Clayton, we don't think you're doing enough, rather than just saddling you with additional workload and then saying, well, you're not doing enough. So here we're saddling you with more work for no additional pay. So I get I get how you're feeling. And, you know, it's a tricky situation because I

understand that you probably don't want to jeopardize your relationship with the CEO that you have a nice rapport. But I also think that you do need some clarity. And I think that you deserve some clarity. You know, if I was in your position and I had spent 20 years in the corporate world, so I can speak from a place of personal experience, in situations where I had a rapport with the CEO or reported directly to that individual, I would carefully, and I'll say carefully because I don't think you should come at it like, oh, I'm your friend, so let's have a friendly discussion. But in a careful and respectful way, I would maybe try to be a little bit vulnerable. And I would word something very carefully, like really kind of rehearse it ahead of time. Right. There's there's a really great book called Difficult Conversations that you should get. It's great because it actually creates this model for you that is like pretend you're person A and pretend you're person B. And you can actually have somebody else train with you. You could already prepare what you want to say. You can go through the process before you actually show up to have the conversation with the CEO so that you don't feel nervous or sick to your stomach or

however you physiologically feel before you have to do something that is really nerve wracking. And you can be prepared when you go in to just have a really respectful conversation. And at the worst case scenario, right, the worst case scenario is that you don't get a raise, but you get clarity, right? And you can preface everything by saying, I love working here and I appreciate the support that you all have given me, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, all the things that you want to say. But I would say that you should just prepare yourself for a conversation, ask for a private meeting with the CEO, and very respectfully just air your grievances to just get clarity. Maybe you won't walk out with more money, but you sure as hell at least will walk out with some clarity around the fact

that you are appreciated at the company and that you are doing enough and that you are enough so that you don't have to feel resentful and find that that's doing over time. Yeah. And just because the HR person says we, I mean, that's what they say. They say we for a reason, right? How what is your relationship like with the CEO? Like what kind of rapport do you have? I used to work for her husband. They both have startup companies and I jumped over to hers so I could go back to school. And what is the size of the company? It's a small company. There's like less than 40 people. Uh-huh. So then it does sound totally appropriate to talk to her. I agree. I think so. I think if you hold it back, you're just going to be brewing and stewing with resentment.

Yeah, I can see it in your face. So if not for any other reason than to alleviate the bad feeling that you have about the information that she gave you, which is insensitive and icky all around. Yeah, agree. Yeah. But don't let her dictate your mood. You talking to the CEO is taking it into your own hands since you have your own personal relationship with her. And that's saying, OK, this is not OK with me and I need a better answer for this and I need to have a better peace of mind about it, which is also you taking charge of the situation, which is exactly what you should be doing to have a better peace of mind. Exactly. Let us know how that conversation goes, Clayton, and have it sooner than later. Are you prepared to do that?

Definitely, yeah. Great. Well, that's great. Awesome. Thank you so much. Yeah, I hope everything works out, but keep us posted. I want to hear back.

Will do. Thanks, Clayton. Good luck. Thanks. Okay, bye. That was good. I'm glad you were here for that corporate shit because I wouldn't know what the...

My sister, Simone, who Shelly's friends with, she fucking works in corporate America. Yes, she does. She works for a biotech firm in San Francisco. And when she talks about work, I want to stab myself in the throat. It's so fucking boring. It is so boring.

And she has to manage people, and then she's got a supervisor, and all of that. I'm just like, what the fuck? And she's like, Chelsea, it's not like I want to be doing all of this. Everybody has to do this. It's a part of my responsibility. It's not like I'm doing it for fun. Like I have this role in a company. I'm like, but why? But yeah, corporate America makes my stomach. It's just like, oh, everybody. I have no respect

for authority figures either. You know, people telling me what to do. The other day I was driving. I was in Spain. We were driving down the street to my house and the police. You're not allowed to drive on the street unless you have a house on the street. And because it's kind of like an esplanade. And the Spanish police were like, hey, hey, hey, no cars, no cars.

I'm like, I live down there. And they're like, no, it doesn't matter. Where's your and my friends in the car? And I go, yeah, it doesn't matter. I live right there. I can drive right here. You're not telling me what to do. And I just kept driving. And my friend goes, you have the pass right here, like on your dashboard. Just stop it and I'll show it to them. And I was like, fuck those guys. So I have no regard for any authority figure telling me what to do I just don't like it especially when it's a man didn't you have like ever have like a real job before you like well I tried into comedy like no no no I mean I tried to be a temp I would get fired I could not transfer a phone call I waited tables that was all I could do but I got fired from that too

because I would tell people off all the time. I would just go off on people. Oh, my God. They didn't look me in the eyes. I'd be like, you don't even deserve to eat here if you can't look at your server in the eyes. I would go off on people because people are so fucking rude when they eat at restaurants. You know, they have no, no table manners and no bedside manner. But no, I can't. My sister Simone said to me once, she goes, when I was upset, you know, in my 20s, when things weren't going the way I wanted to or as quickly as I wanted to. I remember her going, you will succeed at this because you cannot do anything else. I could so hear her saying that. She's like, don't worry. You're never going to have a real job because you wouldn't be able to keep it. So anyway, those were the words of encouragement from my big sister. Love it.

What's next, Catherine? Okay, so our next caller, Amber, says, Dear Chelsea, I just got out of a three-year relationship. In most aspects, I've never been more confident in my life. I just got a great new job, I've been in therapy for a year, and I'm finally financially secure. But inside, I feel deep sexual shame. For the last nine months of this relationship, there was no sex, no physical

connection, nothing more than what felt like friendship. Over time, when I would make a move, my boyfriend would make me feel like I was being inappropriate or pushy. It's now been a year since I've had sex, and not only am I incredibly frustrated, but I've become very insecure about the length of time, and that makes me even more frustrated. Now I'm so fragile with being rejected sexually that I can't even imagine being able to cuddle up next to someone again. I went back onto a dating app to see if I felt a connection, and I did, but when they wanted to meet and probably have sex, I freaked out and deleted my profile. Clearly, I'm not ready, but how do I manage to get back in the dating pool after this negative

experience? Amber. Oh, hi, Amber. Hi. Hi. Hi. You're so cute. It's great to meet you. Oh, thank you. Oh, it's great to meet you too. This is Shelly. Hi. Hi, Shelly. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you as well. She's our special guest today. She's a very good friend of mine who gives very sagacious advice. So you're in for a real treat. First of all, I just want to say to you that I have gone multiple times for years without sex. I don't know what the longest was, but definitely more than a year. So that is not uncommon. So there's no reason to beat yourself up about that. You know, that happens all the time to people. And there's no reason just to have sex just that. That happens all the time to people.

There's no reason just to have sex just so you can not go a year without it. That's lamer than going a year. It sounds like your last boyfriend just kind of did a number on you that you're still recovering from, right? Absolutely. It definitely feels like I'm just still recovering from that, I think. So yeah, I definitely just am not ready to go there yet. But I know when I am ready, I still feel that a little bit scared, a little nervous. And I just hate the idea of being rejected again. So right, yeah, right. But you're not alone in that, you know, so many people experience that that fear of rejection, that fear of being intimate again, the fear of like, I mean, I used to be so uncomfortable going on dates with people that I would have to have

like two cocktails before I could even show up because I'm like, what do I do? How do I act? What do I say? You know, I put giving off this energy that I was just like so guarded and so like get away from me, you know, and knowing that you're not ready, A, is incredible because that's knowing yourself. And fear of rejection is a very common feeling. And that's something that you can easily work through. And it takes a little bit of time, but you can get there. And you're totally hot. You're totally young. I mean, you got all this stuff going for you. You're going to find somebody. Not a lot of people spend their lives being single forever. Being single is a period of time that you have to really, really

take advantage of. Yes. You know, I have been single for years and I'm recently in a new relationship and I'm so glad that I spent that much time alone because now he'll, he'll never leave me alone. Like I will not be alone again. So I, I put all the time and effort into myself for this purpose and you know, that's the way it works. Shelly, what do you let's talk to her a little bit. What do you think? Well, I actually I have a question regarding like intimacy. Do you have other types of intimate relationships in your life?

Meaning, do you have friends or family members that you're really like loving on that you can like hug and be intimate with in a physical way? That isn't inappropriate, of course. Right. I'm really close with my family. I have a really great group of friends. I have a dog that I rescued a year ago. So I do feel like I have so many other great things going in my life. And it just felt like this one piece kept overshadowing everything else amazing that is happening in life right now and getting my dream job and finally being financially secure and figuring out my mental health. And so I just kept feeling like, why do I go back to this specific piece?

Right. So I do feel so grateful that I do have that really great connection with friends and family and everything like that. do feel so grateful that I do have that really great connection with friends and family and and yeah I think we live in this like culture now that and I've been married now for 15 years so I don't necessarily fully understand this culture of you know dating apps because it just there were no apps when when I got married but I think that there's so much pressure to sort of create that one-on-one connection really quickly and for it to like work out or for it to become intimate really quickly as well. And I kind of feel like my best advice would be, especially because you have a great group,

it sounds like you have a great network and a community of friends and family and people who love and care about you. And especially now that we're in a phase where you can at least go outside and like, you know, not have to be stuck in a house for 18 months. You can actually go to the old fashioned way of trying to meet somebody in a natural setting. Right. And that maybe takes the pressure off because things can happen and naturally unfold slowly and carefully as opposed to it going from zero to 60 in like a matter of a minute. Right. And I agree with Chelsea. I think that, you know, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves and we're like, oh, I need to just have an intimate relationship or go have sex because I haven't had sex in a year. And really, it's not about that. I think it sounds like especially

from what you're saying, like it's really more about intimacy and not just having that like one night stand, you know, and just like, okay, I did it. I got over it because I actually think that that could also cause a lot of issues. You know, you can then start self-analyzing yourself if it didn't go the way you wanted it to go. So I would just say, focus on your friends, focus on the intimate relationships you do have, and put yourself out there in new ways that you haven't done before, right? Like, say yes, go out to the events and to the things that are, of course, being safe in the world that we live in today, but go out and just try new things and do new things with all the people that you

love. And when you radiate in that environment of the people that you feel safe and comfortable with, you'll start to attract other people into that space as well. That's great advice. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And you have to think of abundance, right? Like what you said is all abundance. You have a rescue dog. You have a close relationship with your family. You have friends. Those are all wonderful things that you have in abundance. And if you focus on that, that attracts more and more abundance.

Instead of focusing on what you don't have in this moment, you know, you want to focus on when you do have the opportunity to be with somebody, that you've done the work, the inner work, and that you've done the self-esteem work and that your ex-boyfriend doesn't define you. He doesn't define how you think about yourself. You decide what you are, who you are, and how you're going to be in this world. And you're lovely. And anyone would be lucky to be with you. So like, I'm not worried for a second about you. I think we always just get into situations where we think we're single and we're like, we panic. It's like, no, that's a cause for celebration too. Singledom is celebratory. And you experience great relationships with your friends and your family, especially when there's no love distraction. Right. You know, because when love comes in, then it is a big, big distraction.

Falling in love is a huge distraction. So put in the time and effort now so that your family and friends don't get mad at you when you do fall in love. That's great. And it actually also, you inspired me. I really love skiing and now I can work remotely. So I'm thinking about going to Breckenridge for all of February and just skiing and working. And I mean, I was like, you know, this also frees me from having to, you know, hang around San Diego. And so I can move around and do things.

And actually you inspired me. I thought, oh, I could do that now. I'm free. I'm single. So I'm trying to kind of get in that mode of thinking of those things. So hearing it from you too is, is really helpful. So I really appreciate it. I see a ski love relationship in the future. I love Breckenridge. That's a great place to ski. I love skiing.

I love margaritas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Breckenridge is great. That's where I learned. Well,

that's already a great decision you made. So good for you and have a fucking blast and keep us posted Amber. Okay. If there's any great developments or you have anything to share, always call back. I will. Thank you so much. It was so great to meet you. Thank you. Bye Amber. Thank you so much. Bye. I love energy like that. Oh, go ahead. Do you want to cough on me? No. I went down the wrong pipe. Yeah. How does that happen with water? I don't know. It's so annoying.

I always thought I only had one pipe. Do we have more than one pipe? Listen, I didn't know that there were three holes down there for a long time either, okay? I was like, wait, what? My sister had to explain. She's like, Chelsea, honestly, between you not knowing the difference between the moon and the sun. I heard that story.

And you don't know the three holes that are down there. I'm like, wait, I thought your period and your vagina were the same. Fuck. I'm a mess. I'm like, where is that hole? She's like, what? I'm like, I thought when you put a tampon on, forget it. Let's not even get

into it, but I can't be the only one. Good lord. I don't know what I was doing during class when I was growing up. Not there. I was not paying attention, that's for sure. But I didn't start smoking weed until I was like an adult. So I guess I probably found some other, I probably was on Pop Rocks. Pop Rocks and Cola. Yeah. Amber, I wish we could look at being single the same way we look at when you meet someone. Yeah. You know, because the beginning of being single and then like that whole, you know, for lack of a better term, journey of being single is where you grow up. Right. That's where you grow and you become your best self. And I wish people looked at that. And in that way, like I just met someone. It's called me and we're going

to be together. I decided I've just found out recently that I like my own company. Right. And that was something that helped me so much was spending time alone for the first time in my life without having so much noise and groups of large, large groups of people around me. That was something when I got to know myself a lot better by just remaining alone. Even when I was bored, I would be like, you can't be bored. Like, go read a book, go watch a show, go take a walk. Like, you can't do that anymore. You're not bored. And it's good to, yeah, it's good to get down with yourself. Yeah. Loneliness that turns into solitude. It's so great. Well, I think, Amber, also, as women, we tend to blame ourselves when someone

else has a reaction in that type of way. We just talk to her. She's gorgeous. We saw her on the video. She's got a cool job. She's clearly articulate. Like him not wanting to have sex had nothing to do with her. Right, right. Exactly. As women, you're so right, Catherine. Like every time, I can't tell you how many guys have not been able to perform sexually in the bedroom with me when push came to shove, when I was on a date or I'd gone out on a couple of dates with somebody or I brought someone back to my house where they could not have a sex. Whatever it is about me was so emasculating and such a turnoff that they could not get an erection that I would literally say to my friends, does my vagina smell? Like, is something, can somebody smell my vagina? Because I think something's wrong with my vagina. It's like,

no, it has nothing to do with you. I mean, it probably has a little to do with you, but more your person, you know, like, but it's not, it's like everyone's going through their own shit. And when a man doesn't want to have sex with his girlfriend, that's because something's going on with him. That's right. Yeah, totally. He needs to do the deep dive. He should call in next time. Or maybe he was cheating, you know, who knows? Maybe he had something going on on the side. Maybe he doesn't like women. Maybe he's gay. Yeah. Our next email comes from Charlotte.

She says, Dear Chelsea, so I have two sons that I love with all my heart. They're 35 and 28, and I've raised both by myself since their douchebag father basically wanted nothing to do with them after I packed our shit up and left him. I've told my sons to never bring me a grandchild. I tell them, if you want to bring me something to cuddle up with, bring me another rescue pup. I really don't want grandchildren. Is there something wrong with me because I don't want any? Charlotte.

No, that sounds pretty accurate. I mean, yeah, Charlotte, I'm with you. I mean, well, from my perspective. I don't know about that. Well, what do you think she doesn't want grandchildren for? Well, I think she doesn't want the responsibility. She's like, man, I've been I was saddled with these two kids, you know, and I was a single mom for a few years and it was really tough. And, yeah, you have no time for yourself.

You have no money. You're broke. You're tired. You're angry all the time. You certainly don't have time to date. Suddenly, she's raised these two grown men who she loves dearly, but she's looking back at that period of her life, obviously, with some form of trauma, right? So there's some unresolved trauma that's there that's now sort of creating this filter, this lens that she's looking at children through. And so it's like all children, all children.

And so if my kids get married and they decide to have children, then I'm going to be saddled somehow with those children. And at the end of the day, A, we both know it's not her decision whether or not they are going to have children or not, right? I feel like it should be after she fucking raised those two sons by herself. I feel like she should have a say in whether or not they procreate. I think more people need to have less children, quite frankly. Well, that's a whole different discussion for another day.

I could agree with that. I could get on that bus for sure. But I would say that it's not her choice. But what is her choice is, you know, the boundaries that she's able to set once they do have children and what type of grandmother she wants to be. I know grandmas that are like my mother, very like hands on and actually suffocating sometimes. Yeah. Often, most of the time, actually. I'm just trying to soften that a little bit, but she's not going to listen to this podcast. You never know. She'll hear about it from somebody. I promise you. I love you, mom. I really do. But you could be that type of grandma

or you could be the type of grandma that's out and about like a Vanderbilt or something that's like just traveling the world and popping in once in a while with like a few trinkets and then darling, would you like to go have a martini together? And then like you leave again, you know? Right, right, right. I don't want to be a grandmother. I just know children lead to more children lead to more children. And I don't want anybody to ever refer to me as Bunny, which is a new nickname that grandmothers are using. Bunny? Bunny.

Why? Exactly. Because Mimi's out and then there's the other one, Nana, Mimi. All the words that people want to create so that they don't have to be called Grandma. What's wrong with Grandma? Well, I know. Some people because they think it's to make them old if be called grandma. What's wrong with grandma? Well, I know. Some people, because they think it's to make them old if they're a grandmother, so they want a different name, you know?

But like, look, you're such a great aunt. You've really taken all of those children that you didn't want to have under your wing. Right. And you are involved, but you have boundaries. So when it's time for you to focus on your shit, you just extricate yourself. Yeah. I go move. I just leave them in my house and then I go move into another house.

I've done that a couple times. I go, you guys all stay here. I'm leaving. That's a separate conversation too. You know what? You're great at giving advice. I mean, I have nothing else to add. Shelly's the fucking one in charge today.

She's much more insightful because I just end up, you know, you have a wider breadth of experience with different types of personalities and different life experiences. So it's very helpful to hear your insight on all of this. I'm a degree list doctor. Yes. Aren't we all? Well, let's take a quick break and we'll come back and finish up. Okay. That sounds great.

I love when Catherine, Catherine's like captain of this show. She's like... We're going to get you a captain's hat, Catherine. Yes, she's like Perry Gilpin's character in Frasier. Oh, yeah! Love it! What was her name on the show? Roz! Roz, yes!

She was my favorite on that show. Yes, you're our Roz! Yeah. Ah, fabulous. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.

Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir.

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to Rise Up. I wrote the foreword for it. Yes, you did. So suck on that. It was great. So authentic. I loved it. Thank you for doing that for me. Oh, my God. My pleasure. I thought it's the least I can do. Do you know how many thousands of dollars you've saved me with all the people that come to me asking for their rent money? Hundreds of thousands dollars i'm keeping tab i used to do it i used to give people money that's crazy and then i mean like i can't believe that but it always backfires like i one woman needed teeth so i gave her like 20 grand to get teeth then she needed another set of teeth because the teeth she got she said weren't good enough i was like what kind of vicious cycle is this how many sets of teeth do i need to get you i had made a joke about people who have no teeth on my TV show.

Oh, wow. And so I felt obligated. Oh, my God. But, you know, people still tell me that you're one of the only people that still responds to them on DMs. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because they're like, I wrote to 100 different celebrities and the only response I got was from Chelsea. Oh, well, you know what? I feel like people really need to be heard and seen.

I really feel that way. I like to notice people and I like them to feel like they're heard. I mean, at least once. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know. Okay. Anyway. Okay.

So what else do we have, Catherine? So we have one quick question. And this is really right in the wheelhouse for both of you. Dear Chelsea, you briefly mentioned using cannabis while meditating. What do you recommend and how much cannabis is too much for meditation? Gavin. Oh, I would say keep it very light because, you know, sometimes with cannabis, you lose your train of thought, which is actually great for meditation. Wait a minute. You need to lose your train of thought, but your mind can wander more easily

sometimes when you're stoned. So I like to keep it light, just two and a half milligrams or five milligrams max, I would say, just to get you into a relaxed state so that you can sit still and you don't want to overdo it so that you're a blotto. You want to be present for your meditation. That's right. Yeah. I would say microdosing for sure to overdo it so that you're, you know, you're a blotto. You want to be present for your meditation. That's right. Yeah. I would say microdosing for sure to help you get into that state because otherwise I tend to either fall asleep or think about food. Yeah, right.

The food is a problem. It's a big problem. Yeah. I mean, we were in New York the other night and I gave Joe an edible because if I don't, I have to start drugging him at around 11 o'clock because if I don't, he will stay up until three in the morning every single night. And I'm just like, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing that. So I always give him a little chocolate when he gets off stage. I'm like, here, honey, take this. So, cause he's so amped, right? From performing, which I know that feeling. And then we got to back to

the hotel. And I mean, when I say he ate everything in the minibar, I first of all, I was getting it for him because he was in bed, sitting in bed, and he'd eaten a thing of pretzels. Then he opened up the Pringles. He's like, you have to taste these Pringles. I'm like, no, I have more experience with cannabis. I'm not going down that fucking booby trap. Like I'm not going, I'm not putting a Pringle in my mouth right now. And then I go, do you want to? So I went and got, you know, a healthy snack, like the cranberry and nuts thing or whatever. And I brought that back. He polished that off.

And he's like, is there another one of those? And I said, there is, Joe. But like at a certain point, don't you need to stop fucking eating? At the point where he falls asleep. I know. And he was laughing so hard at me for yelling at him. Like I was like, you really stop it. He has really bad eating habits, although he doesn't eat meat.

So that's good. Oh, that's great. I love him even more now. I know. I love that about him. That's so great. But he will eat an entire bag of cheddar cheese, sour cream, potato chips, which makes me want to sew my vagina closed. But we digress.

Anyway, sorry. Back to the question. Yeah. See, that's what happens in meditation, by the way. Your mind just starts. We went from like talking about meditation to talking about food to talking about your closed vagina. Exactly. So, yeah, that's the story of our life. Before we go, I want to also let everybody know that I announced new tour dates.

I announced my Canadian dates. So you guys have been asking when I'm performing in Canada. They're up. I'm coming to Winnipeg, Ontario, Vancouver, of course. Toronto, Calgary. I don't know.

Just look it up. ChelseaHandler.com. And I have many more dates in the States coming up too in November. I'm coming to Rochester, Buffalo, and Syracuse. Oh, actually first, I'm coming this weekend. St. Petersburg, Miami Beach, Orlando and Jacksonville, October 28th, 29th and 30th. And then I'm tour. Vaccinated and horny. I'm fucking loving it. And I want to thank you, Shelley, for being here today. I want to thank Catherine, our producer, for being here every day. And I want to thank all of our callers and all of our listeners for making this such a great podcast for all of the people that call and for me and for all of us. We really enjoy doing it. And it feels like we're doing something good, you know, not just stupid.

You are doing something good. You're doing great. You're doing something really good. You're creating a ripple. Well, I'm just trying to meet people who can do things so that I don't have to, you know, people like you. I need more people like you in my life so I can go, oh, here, go to them, go to them, here, outsource, outsource. That's a mark of a true leader. Outsourcing. Oh, is it? Okay, great. That's a term used in corporate America often. Oh, good. Well, there we go.

There we go. Yeah. And congratulations on your new book, Shelley. Thank you. This is a huge victory. It is. It is. It's a huge accomplishment.

And that actually ties into my question. I have a question for you. I need advice. Oh, yes. This is our new thing. I give advice at the very end. What is it? So I have the book coming out.

And as you know, there's a lot of weight that's put on the launch of the book and wanting for it to succeed. And your publishers have expectations and your agent has expectations and just everybody. And then you start feeding into that, right? So I've, like, fed into that of wanting to promote it and wanting it to be successful. But I guess you know, because I write about this as well in the book, like, one of my biggest afflictions is that I suffer from, like, imposter syndrome and, like, self-worth, you know, which is, like, intergenerational in a way. How do you or how have you disconnected your own self-worth from a success or failure of

something that you've done before? Like, how do you not let that actually come back if something doesn't go exactly the way you want it to go? You know, like if the book, I hope it does well, but let's say it doesn't land the way it's supposed to land, right? How do you not let it define your own self-worth? I mean, I think that's a really, you know, I think that's a very common thing for anybody who's putting themselves out there in any way because you have expectations, right?

And that's the first problem is that you have expectations. Right. Because you're expecting, I mean, I go through this with my books, you know, like if it's not number one, if it's number two, does that mean I've fallen? And does that mean I'm not as good as I was when I wrote the last book and all of that shit. But, you know, it goes back to everything that we know about ourselves. And it's it's our esteem that matters. It's what we're putting out there. That's a huge victory. That's an accomplishment.

It's not about how many people buy the book. It's about how many people are touched by the book. You know, how many people's lives are you going to change from them having read it? And that you're going to learn about right away because people are going to reach out to you on Instagram and DM you. And then you're going to be checking your DMs because you're going to because I know you and you're going to want to help people. And they're going to tell you what a difference that book made. And when you look at it from that viewpoint, instead of a numbers viewpoint, you want to just look at it at the impact that you're having, because that's the ripple effect. It's just like starting your meditation on the beach with 15 people. You know, sometimes books take time to catch fire or to catch on. And sometimes it happens instantly. But I would never, ever have the expectation that it's going to be the biggest and the best right out of the gate. You have to know that it's going to take time and word of mouth and that people are going to start spreading the information about the book and take into account what you just accomplished. You're publishing a book. Yeah.

You're publishing a book. Celebrate that. You're a published author. That's fucking badass. That's badass. Yeah. That's badass. And we're all a little bit more of a badass. That's right. After today's episode, right? Everybody's a little bit more of a badass. Okay. I like that. Okay.

Thank you, Shelly. I love you. I love you too. And I'll see you when we get in my car and drive back to my house. I can't wait. Bye, Catherine. Bye. Goodbye.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

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