Dear Chelsea - Time to Give Your Family the Boot

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

A girlfriend wants to know if her boyfriend’s second DUI is a relationship dealbreaker.  A 21-year-old wonders if marriage is the solution after feeling judged about her live-in partner.  And a couple moves home from abroad to find their family has become outwardly racist, grappling with the decision to keep their child away from them for good. *****The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey y'all, I'm Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. This January, join me for our third annual January Jumpstart series. Starting January 1st, we'll have inspiring conversations to give you a hand in kick-starting your personal growth. If you've been holding back or playing small, this is your all-access pass to step fully into the possibilities of the new year. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to

Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. So that's why we created The Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts, to give you the context you need to make sense of it all. Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC.

Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapoport, and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapoport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Listen to the I Am Rappaport Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcast. Oh, God. Welcome to summer, huh? Summer is, we are in the thick of it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I've had so much fun this summer between work and vacation and

then work and then vacation and then work. And I will be in Canada performing at the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival in Edmonton on August 15th. So tickets are available for that. There's just so many exciting things happening. I mean, this has been turned into a jam-packed summer. People really want to be out. People are horny. I always loved summer, but now I just like when summer wraps up because that means ski season is on the approach. Well, you know what the problem with summer now is, is that it's too

hot everywhere because the planet is melting. And I can't even imagine what it's like for people who don't have air conditioning. My friends went through that heat wave in Vancouver and they were like dying. And it was like, I mean, they would Marco Polo me and they would look like they were passing away. I'm like, are you guys serious about this heat? But I didn't take into consideration what that must be like without AC. Well, their bodies aren't acclimated to that sort of temperature increase. No, no, no. So, yeah, it's only going to get worse and worse.

But I did read something interesting about heat domes. So heat domes are part of what makes, you know, it's just like a heat wave, what creates a heat wave. But yet that's exacerbated by global warming and climate change. So while we have these weather patterns, you know, it's not like global warming. It's a product of all of it. Right. And it's or no, maybe I said that wrong. I say so many things wrong. I don't even know what's up anymore. Sideways, upside down from behind. Oopsie. Sorry. Anyway, you know what I'm saying? It's hot, you know, and I think we can all agree it's too hot. It's not pleasant at all. You know, it's just no one's going to take it seriously. These older politicians, because they love the heat. I mean, they want to

sweat through every layer of clothing they wear. But it's like mosquitoes are everywhere now. So you go over to someone's house in the valley and you can't. You come back and you're eaten alive. It's just like, why are there? There were never mosquitoes in California. Not that I picked up on. That was an East Coast thing because of the humidity. And now it's a West Coast thing. And I'm not into it.

And I don't know anybody who is into fucking mosquitoes. And if you do know somebody, tell them I said to fuck off. Or tell them to call in because they need help. I just I just have a problem. You know, I don't mind bugs so much. Everyone's either scared of spiders or they're scared of snakes, right? Like bugs or snakes. Obviously, I'm scared of snakes.

I've talked about this publicly, privately to anyone who will listen. I once saw a snake on safari and I slapped my sister across the face when I saw it because I was so scared. And our safari guide was like, you're in Africa. What did you think was going to happen? And I said, I didn't think I was going to see a snake outside my room. That's what I didn't think. So I hit my sister across the face because that's the reaction I have when I see a snake. I have to hit somebody. And I hit her and then I went to kick her and she blocked me, but then held on to me tight because she knew that I was having a childlike reaction to snakes, which I always do. And it was almost like she stopped me from having a seizure. Even

though I don't have epilepsy, I would like my body would involuntarily react without me. So that's what happened in Africa. And I was trying to hook up with our safari guide. So that put the kibosh on that. As soon as he saw me so scared of snakes, he lost all respect for me. I saw a snake on my hike the other day. Oh, where? Fryman Trail. And I shoot it off the trail.

Was it a rattlesnake? No, it was not a rattlesnake. But I've tried to have more respect for animals when I'm in their space. So it was slithering across the little track and then stopped and so I took a stick and I just tried to get it to go down the hill because I feel like you know I'm in I'm in your home I'm on your territory and normally I would be repulsed or terrified but I just try to remember you know he doesn't want any trouble I don't want any trouble so let's just keep it That's what I have to remember when I see a snake. He doesn't want any trouble. My problem is that I believe they want trouble and that they will chase me. And that I,

my friend was telling me the other day to come to Bowen Island because her parents are there. And then she proceeded to tell me two stories about snakes that she found. She found one in the water. I was like, well, that's it. One swimming in the water. Why are they in the water? Water moccasins. That's why we won't get in a lake anymore. I'm reading this book called Atomic Habits. I think it's by his name is by James Clear. And this is more about like achieving your goals by changing your identity. And one of the things he says is like, we are in charge of the perception we make for ourselves. So instead of the example that he uses in the book is if you were a smoker

and someone offered you a cigarette while you were trying to quit, instead of saying, oh, I'm trying to quit, you would reply with, oh, I don't smoke. And so in that way, I think you just need to retrain your brain to say, I'm not afraid of these snakes. Like, the more you tell yourself, the more it becomes part of your identity. So that repetition of habit. So maybe you just need to start saying how much you love snakes every day. OK. I mean, I guess I could try that. But OK.

Yeah. I mean, I hear what you're saying about being in their land or on their, you know, on their turf. I get that. That's true. Same goes for sharks then. You know, you're in their water. And that's why I don't get in the water. I get that. That's true. Same goes for sharks then, you know, you're in their water. And that's why I don't get in the water. I don't want to risk that. I'm just never going to stop swimming in the ocean. I can't stop, won't stop. I love the ocean and I love

swimming and I love sitting with my nieces in the water, you know, on Nantucket or Martha's Vineyard. This year we went to Nantucket, but we usually we go to Martha's Vineyard. But I have to say, I would give them both rave reviews. And I kind of like Nantucket a lot, which is kind of weird because I'm such a vineyarder. But I don't know. Eventually, I'm going to want to shack up there. One of those places with my family. It's nice to have a backup now. Yeah. As my sister and I transition into late life lesbians, we could probably move. We probably want to be bi-coastal. I mean, all lesbians should be bi-coastal, right? I think so. It's the only way. Do you want to give a quick one-off advice?

Because we have a submission. Oh, I love a one-off. Sure. Okay. This submission says, Dear Chelsea, I have a crush on a colleague at work and I'm trying to figure out how to take the friendship further while remaining respectful and appropriate. Any advice would be great. Leah, what do you think? Okay, so, okay, let's answer it first as a woman. I would definitely, since men can't approach you in the workplace and you have a crush on him, it's important that you let him know. Because he can't take that chance right now. So, what's a cute way to do that, do you think? Either a note or a text or something cute. But I think it's not a ton of people it's not everyone in the office but maybe like five or six people so that way there's not as much pressure in the initial interaction outside of work if you've not hung out outside of work yet because then you can kind of

use that as your jumping off point to do something just you two you know like oh how great happy hour was you had so much fun maybe you guys would want to get dinner together sometime. So I think that's a non cute. Who does that anymore? You know, it's cute to write a little note, leave it on his desk. Just something that's a little flirty. Like, hey, I had a great time with you the other night. I would love to go out with you alone. Like this is after that little, you know, group activity. I would love to go out with you. I would love to do it again. If you're interested, let me know. Like that's kind of harmless. If not, no worries. I think it's nice for women to reach out to men, especially during this time right now. What do you think, Brandon?

I agree. I don't know what more sound advice you could get. I think that women coming into like their voice and their power in those situations and saying this is what I'm interested in. Yeah. And that is hot for a woman to do, to be the one to kind of take that step and put herself out there in that way? There's no greater feeling after you make a move like that to wait. I love it. I mean, yeah, sometimes you don't get the answer you want, but it's so exciting to take a leap like that.

Like, I love reaching out to someone who doesn't know that I'm interested and just like kind of putting it out there. I love it. And I've been rejected doing that, and I'm still fine with it. So what if it were a man? If it were a man who had a crush on a colleague and was trying to figure out how to take the friendship further while remaining respectful, I think I would say to write a note also. I would probably give the same advice, but I would really emphasize his propriety and his approach and make sure that it doesn't feel intimidating, inappropriate. You don't have to say that to women, but that would be what would differ, for my advice, to a man. Yeah. As a man, you need to be respectful of her space and that it is a workplace for her.

And you don't want to have any woman on the defense at work if your interest in her is not not wanted or not reciprocated rather. So I think. And if you're a gay man, I would my advice would be whip out your bachuki and just let it rip. Bachuki. Yeah. That's what I haven't heard. Oh, really? Bachuki. That's our that's our family word for penis. Bachuki, caslapus and Pikachu. Oh, and then boomsie is a fart. We don't say fart or and we don't say we say take a should do be if somebody has to go number two, we call it a should do be. So we have a lot of code words in our family, but we all understand what they mean. And so do all our friends. Leah, hope that solved your problem. Yeah, Leah, good luck with that problem solved. If you guys end up together, call us. Okay, we're gonna take a minute and we're to have some time for some ads and we'll be right back. Hey y'all, I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls, and I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations.

We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves, and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. So a little

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It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. So that's why we created The Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts, to give you the context you need to make sense of it all. Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Amanda Mull, who writes our Business Week Buying Power column. Very few companies who go viral are like totally prepared for what that means.

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Bert can't see the steps for some reason from the bed. Even though he walks down them every morning, sometimes he doesn't remember where they are, which is in line with his brain chemistry, because every time I come home, it feels like I have to reintroduce myself, too. So when he comes on the bed, if he doesn't see the steps in the morning, I've well, twice now he's fallen off the bed. I'm surprised he survived. And it also explains why he's very slow, because he has obviously several head injuries or concussions over the last few months. But when he does fall off the bed, it is an alarming sound, but not alarming enough for me to get up because I know that his fur is patting him. And as a parent, that's really all I can hope for or ask for. Actually, I did start carrying a cabbage patch kit around the house and was breastfeeding it to convince Bert and Bernice that I much is because she is a mother and they know

that I'm barren. So I tried to counter that with my cabbage patch kid that I found. And how's that working out? Well, I'm not producing milk, but Bert is also not really paying attention because as soon as my belt leaves the house, he goes to sleep for the night because it's like it's fucking over. His his day is over. So he goes to sleep for the night because it's like it's fucking over. His day is over. So he goes to sleep. So anything I do, that's my window to be with them. And they both don't want to be with me because they're pissed that my bell left. And so in that time, whatever I do is useless because their eyes are closed anyway because they're so miserable because they hate me so much.

I'm glad those two can't talk, you know. They wouldn't have anything nice to say. No, definitely not. Not to me. That's for sure. I mean, Bernice came up the other morning, climbed up. Someone was there was a workman in the house. She climbed up the little doggy steps. I'm in my bed on my computer in my bathroom in the morning. She climbs up the doggy steps, walks right over to me. I go and I put my hand out to pet her and she runs in the opposite direction and runs off the bed like I'm a rapist, like I've beaten her and runs off the bed, runs down the stairs. What what the fuck is that? Well, she's like a rebellious teen.

But why is she coming up to taunt me like that? Is she playing with me? Their emotions. I don't know. I mean, these two dogs, honestly, the next two dogs I get, I might not get Chow's. I need some a little bit. I mean, I know I will because they're just fucking cute. And I love having a furry Snuffleupagus in my bed every night, whether he wants to be there or not. He doesn't even know what's happening because, you

know, I carry him. I carry him downstairs after he passes out on the floor. He's like a furry slinky, his dead weight and his dead skin. You know, I have to put him over my shoulder and then I bring him upstairs and I throw him on the bed and he just never wakes up. Nothing. Nothing will wake him up once she's gone unless he falls off the bed. Bert's been letting me pet him and that's been very exciting. I know. Well, his body is such a wonderland that if you, you know, just even touching his fur is soothing. It's like almost self-soothing when I touch his body. It feels like your fingers can get lost in his like head and neck meat. Yeah. And underarm. He's got two big

flaps. And the hair is so soft. I know. I love it. I love him so much. He's really like a teddy bear. Okay. So you want to go into collars right away? Let's just get into it. All right. Let's really like a teddy bear. Okay. So you want to go into callers right away? Let's just get into them. All right. Let's just get into it then. All right. Well, Katie out of Corona, California, she's 31. She writes, Dear Chelsea, my husband... I just want to say something about your voice. It's, you know, it's very soothing. It's almost like a laxative. I used to have this thing where my mom would call me when I was like, moved to California. And as soon as I heard her voice, I had to go to the bathroom. Like because she was so relaxing that it helped like just relax me.

And my sister said the same thing. She goes, oh, my God, that's so funny. When I was at college and I talked to mom on the phone, I had to go to the bathroom, too. Like it just lets everything flow. I'm going to take that as a compliment. So I would say that your voice also has that effect on me. Do you need to go? Not yet. But I think one day I will. I can't to take that as a compliment. So I would say that your voice also has that effect on me. Do you need to go? Not yet, but I think one day I will.

I can't wait for that day. She writes, Dear Chelsea, My husband and I recently had our first child, the first grandchild on both sides of the family. We spent the last four years living in Europe and just moved back to California, closer to our families, who are Trump supporters. We are not. My husband and I are currently struggling with certain family members who continuously make racist and insensitive comments. For example, one family member in particular hates the Black Lives Matter movement and all the blacks on TV now and how he's boycotting the NFL. Another family member will make rude comments about

illegals and all the Mexicans taking over. Needless to say, my husband and I are tired of this type of behavior and do not want them speaking this way in front of our daughter. They already think I'm a liberal snowflake who's too sensitive, so I feel like no matter how I address these issues, they're going to blow me off. It's such a terrible position to be in, but it should also be noted that in her written submission, she did put quotes around things like blacks and illegals because she was directly quoting family members. Okay. Katie, what's going on? What's the situation been now that you're home?

Hi, Katie. Hi, thank you for having me on. Sorry about your parents. They suck. And grandparents, your extended family. I mean, that's so annoying. You want to say they're good people, right? Because they would never speak this way in public or around these groups of people. So it's where's the disconnect of why would you speak that way in front of my husband and I who don't share these same views and don't speak that way, especially now that we have a child. I don't want them speaking that way in

front of her ever. And I feel like we're not the only people going through this, right? Like everyone has a family member who will make an insensitive comment. And we need to move away from Oh, grandpa's just being grandpa, or mom's just always been that way. And it's how do you set those boundaries with your family members, and your parents who didn't raise you to be this way, you know, we're taught to be considerate of others, be polite, respect authority. And I don't know where that disconnect is now with our parents' generation in particular. So I think it's just really hard because you love them and you want them to have a relationship with your child. But it's also this is not OK.

And I don't want this to hurt our relationship. But this can't continue. So what kind of conversations have you had thus far? Have you told them like how hateful that is, like what they're talking about, how hateful that is to have around your daughter to talk about blacks on television. And he doesn't like the Black Lives Matter movement. Like that's hate driven. Yeah. And I think with my husband's side of the family, I don't feel as comfortable as with my own family. So I just say, yeah, things are changing, you know, and kind of leave it at that. And if my husband's not there, I don't know what more I

could really say. I guess having a bigger backbone and being like, hey, that really makes me uncomfortable. It is insensitive and not even sorry it makes you uncomfortable. It's that's just how things are now. But with my side of the family, I'll say, you know, like, I don't like that. Can we please like that is really mean. And it's kind of out of nowhere. They have no reason to feel this way about these groups of people. See, this is bad for me because I have no tolerance for that. And I would argue, who cares then you to keep your daughter away from them, then they shouldn't be around that kind of hate. But I know people care about seeing their families and they want their families to be involved with their children. At least that's what I hear. So I get that angle of

it. I can't tell you how many questions we get like this. People are always writing in about cutting out friends and family out of their lives because of racism or bigotry, all of it. And but everybody's not a lost cause. Like if you can really demonstrate the hate and the harm that black families have grown up with and all BIPOC people and all marginalized group have grown up with and the hatred and bigotry against them and how damaging that is, you know, like facts are facts. I mean, look at how many black people were shot the week Derek Chauvin was convicted. You know, look at what happened. I mean, it's undeniable that there is this system working against black people in this country and that

they're part of it. We're all part of it, but they're actively perpetuating it. Yeah. And to be irritated with it for no reason because it's not actually affecting their day to day life to me is mind boggling. And I want our daughter to grow up. I'm hoping that our kids generation doesn't see any of these conflicts or, oh, how can we help these people? Or, yeah, that's really rough that they've gone through this for so long or seeing a homeless person instead of being like, oh, they made bad life decisions. It's how can we help? Like, let's move away from being negative or seeing things as a negative way. And turning around is how can we help? How can we make a difference, too? Yeah. How can we enforce change and how can we go with change and be supportive? Like, what is your family's excuse for saying, I hate all these Black people on TV?

I mean, what do you say when they say something like that? Yeah, I mean, that recently just happened. When you said we have, like, post your questions, I was like, we literally just had that awkward situation in our home. And all I said was, well, change is happening because it caught me so off guard because there is no reason. We also grew up in Orange County. We live in Southern California.

So let's talk about white privilege already. Like this, the diverseness is not in our community. It's not. And it makes us uncomfortable when we're faced with it because that's not something that we've dealt with because those people aren't actively being supported in our own community. I think it would behoove you to have a really like heart to heart conversation with them without trying not to get emotional and just being very pragmatic and practical about it and saying this is what I will accept around my child. I will not instill hate into my child. I will not instill bigotry into my child. It's not enough to not be racist. I'm anti-racist. You know, you want to be actively anti-racist, which means having very little tolerance for people who behave that way unless they're willing to work on it, you know, and they obviously don't seem like they are. So my advice to you is not coming from a mother. It's coming from a person. I would literally threaten them seeing their grandchild unless they actually started having healthy conversations about what is happening. You know, that's what I would do.

And that's not the right decision because I'm probably a lot of parents would argue because they don't want to take their kids away from their grandparents. But think about what your parents are offering to them. You know, is that relationship important to you because it's important to you or is it important to your grandchild? Well, and I don't want it to get to the point where I'm not comfortable leaving my child alone with them because I'm afraid of what they're going to say when we're not around either. Right. I think it's the presentation, right? Because they think you're a liberal, a snowflake, and that you're super sensitive and you care too much about everybody and blah, blah, blah.

That's not a bad thing. It only seems like a snowflake thing when people are emotional about it, right? When there's emotion in the conversation. So if you could leave the emotion aside and talk about the practicality of like the world that your daughter is going to grow up in versus the world your parents grew up in and how she needs tools to live in that world and to respect everybody in that world.

They taught you to grow up respecting people, right? Like that's something you can bring up. Am I supposed to teach her not to respect black people and brown people or immigrants? Like there's no Christianity in that. And there's no democracy in that. That's just not human, like good naturedness. It's just not. So any discriminatory behavior and even saying it is not acceptable in your presence, even saying it, because, you know, I won't allow myself to be around anybody who speaks in that way about women or about marginalized groups. I will not be in that situation and not say something. And that is my commitment to being anti-racist, not just being against racism.

Right. So, Brandon, do you want to weigh in here? You literally just took every thought out of my head and presented it because there is no excuse anymore for this sort of conversation to be going on, unless the conversation is how to progress or thoughts and feelings that you've had and you want them challenged. Like, obviously, your family is very set in their ways on both sides. So it's hard because you don't really have a safe haven when you're with your extended family. You never know who you're going to get it from. But positioning it as a decision you're making on behalf of your daughter will force them to rethink how they're going to communicate. Because if that relationships mean anything to them, if that relationship means anything to them, they will have to adjust. And I come from the Midwest. So I'm in the same position as you are, where it's a very specific mindset and thought process in regards to anyone unlike you. Any difference in someone is something that's not okay and that's not embraced. So I feel for you. I mean, these conversations are

really fucking annoying to be having with the current landscape. Like you need to get on board, but you have to have it. You need to go into these things very direct and transparent with how you're feeling and what you're thinking and that it's not okay. And you should show them my documentary on it called Hello Privilege. It's me, Chelsea. There's four women from Orange County who sound exactly like your parents who were arguing with me about why they think, you know, it's inappropriate for black people to have any sort of advantage at this point, like affirmative actions wrong. We shouldn't be giving black people any sort of upper hand. And it's like, that's actually exactly what we have to do, because we've had the upper hand for so many,

so many years. It doesn't matter that we weren't here during that time or that our ancestors were here during that time. We're still benefiting from the system that is subjugating people of color. We are still benefiting from it. So of course there's something for us to do. And your work is with your family and your in-laws. What's your husband's stance on like the status of your relationship? Like, have you thought about withholding your grandchild from them? I mean, I really hope it doesn't come to that. But we literally just moved back from being gone for four years, too. And I guess it just caught us off guard that it had gotten so heightened, because these weren't actually conversations that were being had when we lived here before. And so in my point of view, too,

and when I brought that up to my husband, that just made me uncomfortable with that comment. I was like, if we were Black or we adopted a Black child or if our daughter had a disability, wouldn't we want them represented on TV being stood up for by big groups that could actually make a change? That would be really important to us and our families, argumentatively, if our daughter was in that situation. But because we're removed from it, for some reason, they think it's okay to make those comments. And I think we're just caught off guard that there's that big disconnect of, we did grow up in church. How is that loving people?

How is that being kind or even just a good citizen where you're living? It's not. Right, right. I mean, church is a great place to start because these people can hang their hat on religion and Christianity and then discriminate against people. That is not godly. That is not what that religion is about. I've looked into it. So I think you really have to have like a real come to Jesus with them and be like, these are the rules. Are you going to be able to follow them? If not, I'm so sorry, but I can't have my child around you. Like I really I tough love in this situation, I think is, I would say to do that.

If they're still having a hard time grasping the concept, because this is also something that I've seen with white people, there's like a missing cog somewhere that they can't quite grasp why you have to be anti-racist. It's not just about keeping the comments to yourself. It's about acting on behalf of other people and like being vocal when you see racism. And you need to remind them that there's a very famous person in

history who had this sort of viewpoint and mindset about people with a difference. And that was fucking Hitler. No one wants to be compared to Hitler. So the next time you hear your dad or father-in-law saying something like, oh, you know what? That sounds exactly like Hitler with the Jews. Like, is that how you want to come across? Is that how you want to be represented with that sort of mind conditioning? No, no one wants that sort of association. So that will really make him think. I mean, also the idea that, you know, like it's just indisputable to go over the statistics of how many black men have been shot in the back of the head or in the back running away from cops who ended up having no weapons on them?

Like, I'm sure your parents will be like, well, they should have just complied. Or even if you don't comply, an officer's job is not to escalate the situation. It's to de-escalate the situation. So there's more proof in the pudding of the statistics of what's happening disproportionately to black men being murdered by police officers. That is the root of racism. And how could any man or woman not have a problem with kids being killed by police officers? How could you not? My husband's an athlete.

He runs. So when that black gentleman last year got shot running in his own neighborhood, literally brought tears to my eyes because I looked at my husband. I'm like, you can go running any goddamn time and I never have to worry about you. Like, how is that fair that citizens in their own neighborhood are not safe just because of the color of their skin? Like that it's 2021. How is this still an issue? And it shouldn't be. And I don't want that to be an issue for our daughter ever. No, no, no, no. And it won't be because your daughter is going to grow up in a completely different world. And I think

people, you know, older people are just so stuck. They just don't see the whole picture and they can't, people don't like change. And Katie, that's the world that you create and maintain for her. So again, as harsh as it may seem, like you have to do what's right for your family. And if that means withholding those interactions to make sure she is growing up in that space where there's inclusion, like that's what you have to do. It's not a position anyone wants to be in, but it's your responsibility as a parent to guide her and keep her safe and surrounded and with people who have an outlook more aligned with the world that she will be living in. Yeah. You should also, I don't know if your parents would read a book about this, but probably not.

But yeah, okay. I would, so you can recommend it. Well, you should read Cast by Isabel Wilkerson. That's a great book for anyone to read because it really gives you a perspective, like a 30,000-foot perspective from so many examples of racism, how it lives on in this country and what black people go through in an original way. And it also actually compares, you know, what they did in the American South. It shows that the Nazis and Hitler studied American South and what Jim Crow

did during that time and all the laws that they did to separate and segregate black people from white people with swimming pools and eating and buses. And that the Nazis studied that because they thought, oh, America's got it. How do we discriminate against Jews in this way? So they studied the American South. So Nazis studied America. And people don't know that. I didn't know that until I read that book to get a blueprint of how to discriminate.

So we are the kings of it. You know, we did it in the grossest way possible. So I think that, yeah, you really have to get your thoughts together in a letter or a conversation. I know I can tell that you're sweet and nice and emotional. So you might want to write a letter because sometimes I feel like when I make an argument, I just want to leave the emotion out of it. You know, put your facts down or what you're going after. Because are you willing to actually take your daughter away from them and their relationships with her? If those type of conversations continue to happen, absolutely.

Because it's so uncomfortable and I never want, A, my daughter to speak that way. I would be horrified. And I don't think that's fair to her to be put in that situation either because it is negligent today to not try to change your point of view, or at least just don't speak that way. Like, if I can't change their mind, I can't change their mind. But the boundary is don't speak that way in front of me or my daughter. Yeah, yeah, that's a good place to start. And then once you have that agreement, you know, I'm sure I mean, they're obviously going to say yes, they're not going to be like, Oh, we can't not be racist

around your daughter. But once you have that agreement, it allows you a new platform to kind of grow from. Right. So then you have a new understanding and that's your baseline. And then you can work towards little small things, you know, acts of kindness on your behalf. Your behavior can demonstrate your anti-racism without imploring their anti-racism, right? Like you can't make them be anti-racist, but you can show them what you're doing to be anti-racist so that they're seeing that demonstration over and over again. And that is a way to get through to people, not necessarily by trying to convince them, but just showing how you're going to operate in your life from now on. Sure. So I think that would be

a good fresh start. You have the conversation, do it with your husband, write a letter from both of you or an email, whatever you're into and, and have it be from both of you. You have to be a unified front for sure. And you can either have the conversation or write it and, and just say, these are the rules. Let me know if you guys want to move forward. We love you. We would love for you to have a part in our daughter's life. And we've been gone for four years. We'd hate to miss another four, but we're not going to be accepting of this behavior.

Yeah, accepting of this behavior is a good way to word that. Okay. And keep us posted, okay? Let us know how it goes. Okay, thanks for calling, Katie. Thank you. I feel for you. I know what, yeah.

I am so glad I don't have any some fucking Trump supporters in my family. I mean, at this point, oh, don't even get me started. I mean, that conversation just fucking annoyed the shit out of me. Not because of her. It's just like, oh, I just don't understand how this is still. And why do you know the debate? Why are you what's your problem with it? Like, what is the resistance to Black Lives Matter?

How is it hurting you? Like what is it hindering in your life or taking from you? Well, because the right perpetuates all of these conspiracy theories and all of these lies about, oh, that leads to looting. And then everybody's you know, it's it doesn't lead to looting. That's like that's not a big part of the Black Lives Matter movement. Those are extremists that are on the left or who knows where they are, but those are extremists. That's a small percentage of people. So they use whatever excuse they want.

They can say, well, why don't black people are getting shot because they don't comply with the police? Punishment for not complying with the police isn't getting shot. Nobody deserves to get murdered. So, like, look at fucking Kyle Rittenhouse, that little white asshole that went up and fucking shot. And he was a white guy. Nobody shot his ass. They calmly took him into custody. I mean, after he killed people.

I don't know how you argue the facts and the evidence in these scenarios where black people are disproportionately executed. Because Republicans don't like the word disproportionately. They think that doesn't make, you know, they'll argue anything. They say it's not true. They have no facts to back up their data. And the facts that they do get are usually fake because the right has all these like fake news things going on all the time when they call us fake news. Talk about projecting.

Anyway, my blood pressure is going up. Anyone else who's dealing with this, just to wrap that part up, anyone else who's dealing with this or has to have those conversations, I've had them. If you have a racist family member, your only choice is to stand your ground and make that decision that you will not engage. That's it. It's hard, but you need to fucking do it. Well, not engage or stand your ground, because standing your ground, I think, does mean engaging to a degree. Like saying this is no longer acceptable to me.

Like this is not an acceptable dialogue that we are going to have. You can present. Hey, you can make this change and we will continue. And if you don't, you have to exit those relationships. They're not going to provide you anything beneficial. Like that sort of mindset is not OK. Yeah. Well, I think a lot of people really struggle with exiting from their familial relationships.

Well, I'm for it. See, I don't have that issue. That's why. Right. it. See, I don't have that issue. That's why. Right, right. Nor do I. So. But the thing, I mean, she did say she was gone for four years.

So in that four years when Trump was president, it's like these people were indoctrinated by the right wing media and these conspiracy theories. I mean, seriously, what is your problem with Black Lives Matter? People defending themselves peacefully is that they're convinced it's not peaceful, that everything is an architect of the left and, you know, and over liberal people and we're allowing black people to loot. Like they form this narrative. But if they have been convinced of this ideology, then they can be

convinced of a different ideology. It can be unlearned. Like if they were gone for four years and they learned this. Exactly. So if you're swayed like that, then you can be unswayed, I would argue. I just never give up on people. You don't. Everyone has the opportunity to change. When it comes to this topic, I don't give up on people. I will send you books. I will get no response. If you said something that I don't like that's sexist or racist, I will follow up and make sure that your views are changing. And if they're not, I won't give up until they do. This is one area you are extremely patient. I have no patience or tolerance for it. I just can't have the conversation. But you do. And you will continue to have that as long as you see

some sort of growth or challenge to their thoughts. Even white guys who think they're progressive aren't. They think they are, but they're still sexist and they're still racist. And it's true because it's not even your fault. No, you've internalized it and it's been passed down. Yes, and it's been taught and we've been learning this our whole lives. So it's not your fault, but it is your fault if you don't do anything to correct it and to dismantle it. And I've noticed that, too.

My friend who was like, oh, it's reverse discrimination with women now. It's like, what? Like, that's not the way you can think about that. We've been discriminated against since the beginning of time. So there's going to be a little lag room where we're going to get some advantages. I don't know how straight women are dealing with straight men. I don't know either. I mean, I'm going to. Yeah, we've already gone over this, but obviously I'm going to start fucking women. You know, I'm in full support of that. It really does turn me on when I see you get so worked up over political issues and racism that like you will not back down like you and you

are so impassioned by it when you're talking. It's like, oh, like I could listen to you speak on the subject. And I think you could listen to me speak about a lot of things. I could. You could read me the phone book. So romantic. Our next submission comes from Marissa. She's from Connecticut. She's 30. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm currently in a gray area with a recovering alcoholic. Last October, he got his second DUI and has been clean, sponsored, and in therapy since. I'm skeptical to remain with this person for fear that he may potentially relapse or, like other addicts, find a different addiction. We were together for 10 years, and the DUI pushed me off the edge. He seems determined to stay away from alcohol, and I do still love this person.

Should I walk away completely? Marissa. Marissa, what's going on? Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm well, thank you. How are you?

I'm good. I like your lavender walls. Cute. Thank you. This is my office in my house. Nice. Cute. Thank you.

Thank you. So you've been with your guy for 10 years? Yeah. I mean, if you're counting right now, it's more like 10 and a half. Well, nobody's counting a half a year. So don't worry about that. So yeah, we had just celebrated our 10 year anniversary last September. And a week after that, the DUI happened. So that's we've been in a kind of gray area ever since. So has it been was that his first DUI or a second DUI? That's that was the second DUI. And when was the first one? That was early in the relationship. It was either the first or

second year we were dating. OK, so at least he went like nine years between the two. Right. Ideally, he would never get another DUI again, but... Right, yeah. What are the conditions of his drinking? Like, is this like he's out for a night with his buddies and then just happens to get a DUI, or does he have a problem? He has a problem.

Of course, you could make the point that anytime there are consequences, that means the person has a problem, but you know what I mean. Yeah. I mean, since the night of the second DUI, he has not drank. He recognizes that he does have a problem. But you know what I mean? a year prior, it was not well because he was just, he had always drank, but it just got to the point where it was sloppy, slurring, falling down the stairs just every night. And it was just

embarrassing, like in front of his parents, two friends, family. It was just a lot to deal with. And how long has he been sober now? About six or seven months now because it was last October. Right, right. So and have your feelings for him changed? I mean, they had changed a little bit even prior to the DUI just because like with the alcohol and everything. I had kind of been like done. I would say I'm not really done at this point. If he could stay clean, if he could stay sober, then I feel like this relationship can be successful. But

I'm still skeptical because I mean, he's an addict. So I don't know. Addicts relapse. Addicts do relapse, but addicts also get clean and stay clean. And sometimes it takes a couple chances, you know? Right. And if you are willing to see it through, do you have children? I do not. Oh, well, there you go. Total bonus round. So you don't have to fucking deal with that and those decisions related to your children. I mean, that already is like a victory lap. So pat yourself on the back for not having any children. I am. So that you don't have to tell them their dad got two DUIs when they're older. But I think you should give him another chance. I think you your heart is in it. Right. You're just you were obviously it's not

a beautiful turn on to see somebody wasted, slurring, falling down the steps. Right. But real love is kind of looking, that's not who he really is, right? That's not who he is when he's wasted. Who he really is, is a different person.

And it sounds like he's taking all the steps that he could possibly take to get there. Right. Right? I'm just worried, like, if he gets a third DUI, like, that's it. He loses his license forever.

I know, but you can't think about if he gets a third DUI. You have to think about supporting his sobriety and being there for him and him taking the steps on his own. You can't think about what if. That's not going to be, that's not helpful in moving forward. That's helpful in staying stuck.

So you have to think positively and move forward positively. Like this is it. He's well. And you take it one day at a time. He's going to meetings. You know, that's, that is the AA term. I know sweetheart. I've been to AA meetings.

I got a DUI once too. I had to go to AA meetings for that. But you know what? I didn't get a fucking second DUI. I got one when I was 21 and then I never got one again. And now I have a driver. So, yeah, I think you should stick it out. It sounds like you love him and you want to stick it out.

And you're just kind of letting that narrative of what if control your attitude about the situation when you should flip that. And look at all the work he's done in six months. And as long as he's staying serious about being sober, then you should be serious about staying with him. Right. Yeah, I'm glad to hear you say that. And I knew that you yourself had just the one DUI. So I was curious as to what your opinion would be. Well, like, I think everybody can fuck up, right? They make mistakes. But yeah, making them multiple times is not hot. So you kind of can just you know, it is hot. People who change. Yeah, it's hot when people change. Yeah. And

listen, you know, he's only in six months of sobriety. If he can do this for another two years, can you imagine where he's going to be in his life and how much more secure and self-assured he's going to be? And in turn, how secure you're going to be with the relationship once he's proven more time to be sober. So, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of addicts out there. So, you know, don't hold that against him as long as he's trying. Yeah, he is. And you said that he's going to AA. And I know that they offer Al-Anon, he is. when we're done. And it is a process. So he may fall off the wagon again. And it's about how he's correcting those things. So like, we can't hold him to never making another mistake, but how he's going to keep correcting those mistakes. And hopefully, you know, they say the first year is the hardest and that's the largest margin of error. And then after that, hopefully less and

less and less. And him having a drink and not getting drunk, that's not something that you want. But sometimes people can catch themselves in their addiction like, oh, shit, I really should not have done that. It broke their sobriety. But they know like, I need to stay on track. I need to get back to a meeting. I need to do these things. So you being there to support him could really make a world of difference in how he continues, you know, on his sobriety. Right. And this time, it is a little bit different, because after the first CUI, he still drank afterwards and now he has stopped. And he never once said after the first DUI, I'm done. I have a problem. I'm going to stop. And now he has. So well, it's almost like we

need to kind of forget the first DUI because he was 20 years old. Like that's, you know, everyone fucks up at that age. Now at 30, hopefully he's thinking like, this is not how I want to enter my third decade like as a fucking drunk getting a dui like i'm not in a frat anymore like i need to get it together does he know does he sense your ambivalence a little bit he does and he did prior to the dui too because um his parents actually saw him on a sloppy day. His mom pulled me aside and asked me if he gets this way often. And I was like, I'm glad you saw this. Yes, he does. So, I mean, I don't know. I think he has a great support system. I'm with him. His parents, they saw him at his worst and they support him as

well. And they want him to get better. I want him to get better. So. Can I ask, was this a decision that he made himself after the DUI or was it an ultimatum from those around him? Did he know that he wanted to be sober? He did. Yeah, he made the decision himself. And I think he realized how much of a fuck up it was. Because I told him that night, I was like, I'll be I'll support you. But I don't want to be with you right now. Like, I'll be your friend. And we haven't really had too much of a together discussion since then, but we do still live together. It's kind of like business as usual around here. Well, I think you should also start talking to him a little bit more,

like, about your relationship and about the status of your relationship and say, like, I really do. You have to let go of the past a little bit, you know what I mean? And live in the present moment and forget about his first UI. Just focus on what's happening now, which is his sobriety. Right. And you want to be there to support him. And you want to reassure him that like you love this part of him. You love that he's trying to stay sober. You love that he's making the effort that he's got a sponsor. And these are all the reasons why you're still here and that you do want to make this work. Don't be afraid to communicate. People need it. People need to be loved and hear that they're loved, especially

when they're going through this. You know, he's probably so scared of losing you. Well, and embracing the change in the future with him rather than holding on to the past where he always feels like, oh, I have to I have to take accountability for it. But that doesn't allow for much growth when you're constantly looking back at the mistakes that you've made. I think it's kind of about setting the intention for the future and what that life could look like together while he's sober. And that's going to be much more of a reason for him to continue to stay sober. Right. Chelsea, when you had your DUI, did you have a huge support system? Like your friends and family, were they supportive? Yeah. I mean, no one took it that seriously because I was so

young and I was just a party animal, right? Like, so everyone's like, oh, I can't believe it took this long for her to get a DUI. Like, obviously that was going to happen. And my DUI story was a hot mess because my mom had given me my sister's ID to get a fake ID when I moved to California. And my sister and my mom were both Mormon, right? They both, my mom was Mormon and then she converted my sister. And so when I moved to California, I was 19 and I asked my mom for Shoshana's ID and my mom gave it to me and to, to go to, so that I could party. My mom's like, listen, this is Chelsea. She needs to party. Like go here, like anything to get me out of New Jersey. They're like, you can have whatever you want. Anyway, when I got pulled over, I gave them my sister's ID. So it was it turned into this entire like it turned into me impersonating somebody else.

So it took like a DUI and made it 10 times worse than a DUI because I was drunk and I called the cop racist. Meanwhile, we were both white, but he was probably racist anyway, because anyway. So, yeah, they were supportive. I had to go to DUI class for many, many weeks. But my family was very supportive. My mom was actually really upset with my sister for getting so upset. And when she found out I was impersonating her, she filed charges like with the FBI or something. And so my family actually got mad at my sister.

But that's also just that's just our dysfunctional family. And the fact that I was so manipulative. But, you know, I never I don't do that. You know, I'm not like that. And I learned my lesson. And, you know, it was a young time to learn my lesson. But I did. And I was like, it's not really about you driving drunk.

It's about you're putting other people, innocent people's lives at danger by. It's not about, oh, are you OK? Are you okay to drive? It's like, are other people okay on the road? You know? And what if something else happens? What if somebody has an accident and you don't have your wits about you and then you make the accident, you know, you compound that 10 times. Meanwhile, I drive with you. So I know you drunk driving is probably not really terrifying. Me sober driving is pretty aggressive. So drunk driving is out of my repertoire now. But I did learn my lesson. And I do believe people change. I know that I've changed myself. And so yeah, so I think we're good. I think you're going to be okay, Marissa. And I think your relationship is going to be okay.

I believe in him. Okay, thank you so much, Chelsea. And don't forget to communicate. Talk to him about it, right? Don't make it his own thing or his own burden. Be there with him. Not like his only support. You don't want to be his strongest ballast. I mean, you can be, but you want to just make sure he knows like, yeah, you're in this because your tentativeness can also trigger his behavior, right? So you just want to be open about what you're feeling and what you're in this because your tentativeness can also trigger his behavior. Right. So you just want to be open about what you're feeling and what you're thinking, even if it's sometimes unpleasant to say, just be like, I'm here. I want this to work. Yada, yada, yada. Okay. Okay. I appreciate your opinion. Thank you so much.

Oh, you're so welcome, Marissa. Have a great day. Thank you. You as well. Bye. That sounded, that sounded like he's got... That was very sound advice. It sounded like he's going to get his shit together. I believe people get their shit together. Well, hopefully he does. Some people do.

If not, we'll hear about it, I'm sure. Our next submission comes from Marie from Ohio. She's 21. She's a baby. Oh, that's cute. She writes, Dear Chelsea, me and my boyfriend have been together for five years and are looking to get engaged soon. I'm 21 and he's 20 and we are entirely ready to start our lives together.

And this past year has tested us. We moved in together despite his entire family advising us not to because of their religion. I thought it would be a good trial run to see if we worked together. It was one of the most eye-opening experiences and he truly is my best friend. His family is not too keen on us looking to get engaged, but we are ready to start this next chapter of our lives. His aunt sent us a Christmas card saying something along the lines of, I hope one day you're kind enough to explain your thought process on why you thought it was a good idea to move in together without being married. What a bitch. Not only am I terrified to have this

conversation, but I'm terrified to tell them that him and I have actually sinned together. I'm assuming that means had sex. How do I work my way around this without coming off like a bitch? I love their nephew, son, cousin, and religion obviously doesn't stand in my way, but I don't want to offend anyone and then become that family member that everyone doesn't want at the Christmas party help me I love everything you do and I'm proud of you oh hi Marie hi how are you good how are you I'm good okay so you moved in with your boyfriend you guys have been together since you were 16 mm-hmm do you see how quickly I did that yeah it's very quick rain man and you've been been with no one else since you were 16? Yeah.

Okay, and you really love him and you want to marry him? Yes, he's my best friend. He's everything that I've looked for in my life. Oh, sorry, someone's calling. Oh, that's Joe Coy. How annoying. Hold on. Sorry about that.

No, you're okay. I love him. Oh, you do? Yes, I'm Filipino too. Oh, actually, then let's get him on the phone. Hey, Joe. Oh, you're doing the pod? Yeah, but I'm talking to somebody who's Filipino. And I said, Oh, Joe Coy's calling. And she said, Can you see him? Oh, no. Here he is. Say hi. Hi. She said she was Filipino. And I was like, Oh, that's Joe Coy. He's so annoying. I wish he would stop calling me. And then she's like, oh, I love Joe Coy.

And I was like, oh, well, then I'll answer. He's so cute. He's my favorite. Yeah, we're doing the podcast. I have to call you. I have to. Joe, are you getting into drag? Kill you.

All right, we'll call you back, Joe. We'll call you back, OK? Bye. He gets upset if I don't say I love you at the end of the phone call. I'm like, I'm not your fucking girlfriend, but I have to say it. Otherwise, he'll call back.

So, okay, back to you, Marie. Let's talk about this. First of all, you love him. You're going to be with him. I think you're way too young to be with someone to get married, but listen, I get it. If you love somebody and your heart is set on it, then there's nothing you can do

to change that person's mind, and I would like to support that. So that's the thing. I've never like wanted marriage in my life. Like, I just don't, I don't think you need labels or anything, but with his family, like pushing marriage before anything, like I can't even go on their family vacations without being married. I can't stay the night at his, like his family's house without being married, stuff like that. So that's why I'm like, OK, so marriage is next for us, even though like I don't like labels.

I think marriage is just a construct, honestly. Yeah, well, I wouldn't get married for his family, right? I mean, that's not the reason to get married because his family's a bunch of right wing radical religious assholes. You know, that's that's what gets to be every time the religion tied to the republicanism. It's like, really? That's that's anyway. So, Brandon, what do you think? Because I can already feel my vagina clenching up from talking about this. Like, I just I love that you love him so much. But this I have all sisters younger than me. There's so much life ahead of you. And when

you're with someone from that young age, it is very easy to have tunnel vision on that person. And I am never someone who would want to enter someone with the idea that divorce is always an option. Enter someone. She's not talking about something. Oh, well, we'll see. Don't bring that into it. She can't even enter each other when they're at the family's house. Well, there's a workaround because they've sinned together. Isn't that right? Yes. Just never in the presence of anyone else.

So I would encourage you, if I were giving this advice to my sister, is to stay with him. You know, be happy. Form that relationship. You guys are both still babies. And it doesn't seem like that because you're like, no, but we've been together for five years. You have so much life ahead of you that you're going to change and evolve. And it doesn't seem like that because you're like, no, but we've been together for five years. There's, you have so much life ahead of you that you're going to change and evolve and hopefully you can do that together.

But getting married to solve an issue with his family is not the solution. It's possible like resentment building later. Because that's almost like indoctrinating you, right? You're adhering to their rules for their system of rules. And you have your own set of rules. You're an individual. You seem like a smart, like sharp young lady. And based on what you said, the label

does not make the relationship. And so you can't let someone force you into a situation where you feel like you have to do something. If your relationship is happy and healthy as it is right now, as a couple, you guys should be able to find a way to keep that momentum going without the influence of outside sources making you feel like you need to operate in a certain way look at goldie hahn and kurt russell yeah look at them they've been together for so long and they're still boyfriend and girlfriend yeah i see them a lot and they are they are yeah they love each other and they have a hot fiery relationship and yeah they've never been married. That's probably why they're still together.

Definitely. So I would never want someone to feel like they're forcing you into a situation or that's a situation you have to accept. Like, I just look at you and I just see it like my little sister. And it's just not it's not OK to force women into this sort of position where even though you love him and I'm sure we'd be happy to be married. It's not really a choice you would make based on what you said on your own intention. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess, you know, it's up to him to figure out how he wants to deal with his family and family vacations. But, you

know, I would I like tough love. That's my I like just going, sorry, neither of us are coming then, you know, like we're fucking adults. We're 21 years old at this point. You can't I mean, they probably are still thinking of you since you've been together for five years as little kids too they're not seeing your evolution or maturity necessarily because they're so stuck in their own ideas of you and there's a way to respectfully communicate these things that that you are adults and that you are finding a way to make your relationship work for you too and that you don't have to answer to his aunt or his uncle or his parents anymore if you guys are financially independent from them and able to maintain your life together that's all that matters you don't like they can either get on board or not and hopefully they

want to see you happy and will get on board but But if not, you guys also have to be OK with that. Yeah, that's the tough part. That you're a unit and now you guys are your own family, essentially. Yeah, you could be like it's a package deal. You either get both of us or you get none of us. What does he what does he think about this? What does he think about his family? So he just went home.

We live like an hour and a half away from home. So we don't get to see everyone that often. Sounds like that's a good plan. Yes. And that's why things have been like kind of spiraling because I feel like they think everything's happening so fast. But like in reality, we've just been like living our own lives apart from them. And then that's when we get the Christmas card from his aunt.

But he is in the same boat I am. He's just like, I hate that my family thinks like this. I wish they didn't think like this. I wish they took me more seriously because I think everything that we do or say is just like, oh, you're a little young. You're a little young. You don't know much yet. You know what I mean? Like kind of pushing that faith back onto him, even though from a young age, she's shown that there's definitely a divide there. Well, but I think I feel like you're saying two different things, though, like you're saying you're like if you take the marriage off the table, right? Take that. There's no reason you need to get married, especially if it's for his family.

And you're 21. So like, you know, I understand you love him and everything, but why not wait another five years till you're 25? Then you'll know for fucking sure. Right. There's so many things that haven't happened to you yet. And I know you're not interested in hearing that because you're in love and I get that. But there are just so many things that happen to our brain as we evolve as human beings, as girls and boys, we develop differently. Our brains develop differently. Our brains aren't even fully formed until we're like 26 years old for boys and some girls. Like there's some things that aren't connected, you know, until we're in our 20s.

So it's important to give yourself the time to not put yourself in a situation like that, I believe, and especially not for his family. So I think there's a nice conversation you guys can have with them. If you can agree to say like, this is the deal. We've been together a long time. If you guys can't like understand that we're together, like, you know, maybe if you take out the marriage thing or explain to them, like the only reason we would get married is so that we can sleep together at when we're on vacation. Is that what you guys want us to do? You know? Yeah, that's true. It's just, it's hard to, because they think we have a lot of faith in our lives. We just have never had that conversation with them yet that we are not

following their footsteps. We are not going to church every Sunday. We are not praying before bed. So I think that's another situation that makes us very uncomfortable. Well, then you need to have that conversation, though. You know, those uncomfortable conversations are important to have. It doesn't have to be cantankerous either. You know, you don't have to be yelling and screaming. You just have to say, listen, like the world is changing. You know, religion isn't what it used to be.

It's certainly not for us. We're not doing these things. So us having to subscribe to your idea of what we should be is completely an unfair way for us to live. Write that down. I love the way you put that. Yeah, right? Did you write that down, sweetheart? Well, it's an audio recording, so I can just listen back to it.

Okay. Well, listen to this and then write it down. Yeah. So I think that's what you should say. That's good, actually. Yeah. That was very helpful. Thank you.

All right, Marie. So let us know what happens, okay? I totally will. After you've spoken to them at some point. I will. Okay. Thank you. All right, Marie. So let us know what happens, okay? I totally will. After you've spoken to them at some point. I will. Thank you. Bye. I really like Marie. I just don't think she's at the age to get married. No, but she's going to get married, so there's nothing you can do about it. But yeah, I mean, 21, getting married at 21, when you look at your life and if you're not in your own life, it just seems idiotic.

It is like the first part of your life. There are like 50 parts of life. Well, maybe I guess let's say 20 is one part, 20 to 40 is another part, 40 to 60 is a third part. But when people are in love, they want to be together. They don't see the macro. They see the micro. Yeah, I appreciate that. I appreciate that for her that she's found someone she wants to be with. I just think of my sisters during that age. And it's just there's so much development that happens personally between 21 and 30. Yeah, that's true. I mean, it's that's it's hard. I have a niece that lives with her boyfriend and she's going to get married probably before any of us are ready. But, you know, we just have to suck it up and let people live their own lives. Although, you know, if you're calling in to get advice and we're going to hopefully help you live a different life or or take a step of bravery. But that whole situation is just, you know, she's got to deal with multiple components, religion being the most annoying one.

All right. Well, we have more to cover, but let's take a quick break. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. And I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar.

You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves, and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. So a little bit of past, present, and future, all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like...

Why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.

Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir.

Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really.

Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. So that's why we created The Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts, to give you the context you need to make sense of it all.

Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Amanda Mull, who writes our Business Week Buying Power column. Very few companies who go viral are like totally prepared for what that means. And Zoe Tillman, senior legal reporter. Courts are not supposed to decide elections. Courts are not really supposed to play a big role in choosing our elected leaders.

It's for the voters to decide. Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapoport, and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapoport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention i am here to call it as i see it and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes you are not a real fighter you will never be

discussed anywhere in boxing history ever fake paul the movie is the apprentice and the movie is about young donald trump and his apprentice roy cohen real character obviously both are real characters it kind of has a scarface vibe to it which i thought was very interesting listen to the i am Rap Report Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts. Good people, what's up? It's Questo.

Questlove. And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss. Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody, every type of musical effort. We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements,

some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers, but we also love speaking to the folks who are making it happen behind the scenes and they pave the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the culture. This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations. Like I'm a bill chatting up with hit maker, Sam Holland,

sugar, Steve chatting with the legend, Nick Lowe. And I've had pleasures of doing one-on-one conversations with Willow, Sonata, Matreya, Kathleen, Hannah,

and the RZA. These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else. So make sure you go back and you check those episodes out, all right? Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. We're just breaking up families left and right. It's like if you want to break up with somebody, please write in or call us because we can help you do it. We can help you set boundaries. Break up.

If you need to lose a family member, a partner, a friend. You want to break up with your spouse, a friend, a family member. No, no breakup is off limits. It's our wheelhouse. I err on the side of really just telling everyone to go fuck themselves. You're a little bit more diplomatic, although with your mother, you're very harsh. I mean, I. But I get i but i get it i get it i respect did you watch the gypsy rose hulu with patricia arquette yeah yeah again that is very reminiscent of my mom who like made us believe things were going on

that were not going on that there were dynamics being built i mean she's just fucking nuts i love her i do and that's the moral of the story is you can love someone from afar and want the best for that there were dynamics being built. I mean, she's just fucking nuts. I love her. I do. And that's the moral of the story is you can love someone from afar and want the best for them and not interact with them. God, religion is just so annoying when people are so religious that they expect other people to follow that religion. It's just like that's the opposite of what religion is. It's like loving all human beings, no matter what they believe in or what they think, as long as they're kind and not discriminatory.

I understand. Religion is filtered through and like people just pick what they want from it. Whatever is convenient to their narrative is what they'll choose. When I was in high school and the pastor who I went to church every Sunday and I remember there never being any like scripture present or any sermon about adultery because he was constantly cheating on his wife. So it's like that type of shit. It's like, oh, my God, it's just so annoying. And my time, there's any sort of sanctimony or righteousness, self-righteousness, it's always, right? Like, it's always because it's like they're not practicing what they're preaching at all. No.

I just have—so the straw that broke my back with religion, and I grew up going on mission trips, and I think that there is something. Like, I like the idea of going to church for the fundamentals. Treat your neighbor how you would want to be treated. And again, that's like what people do not practice unless it's convenient to them. But when we moved here, I made Levi go to a church that's called Mosaic. And it's in like the center of kind of like Hollywood. And it's very like it's a young group. It's quote unquote like cool.

And Levi did not grow up in church. So he did not want to go I made him go made him do the donation the whole bit and he was like fucking annoyed he got home because he's like okay the music was fine he's like if this is something you're really serious about like I will go with you on Sundays that's nice yeah it was great I would never do that for a partner he so then he started researching it the pastor who does the sermons for a very diverse congregation so like a lot of LGBT people, a lot of people of color, there were some trans people there, was listed on like Joel

Olsteen's top Southern Baptist preachers and had a sermon where he basically said that God's gift was AIDS to eliminate gay people. And I'm like, how can you be the pastor of a congregation and be, you know, very persistent about making a donation with gay people in the audience and then simultaneously be going and doing these sermons basically saying, like, we should all be wiped out. I mean, it's just, it's so convoluted. Religion is very opportunistic.

I know, I know. It's upsetting, too, because it's the root of all, it's the root of all war and discrimination, you know, religion, persecution. It's just religious persecution, all of it. You know, it's very hard. All you want is to be loving and and accept people and have compassion. And that can't Christianity cannot involve you saying you don't like the Black Lives Matter movement. You can't be a Christian and say that you have a problem with that. How is that Christian?

People defending themselves peacefully, protesting peacefully, saying we want to be treated equally. We don't feel like we're being treated equally. When somebody says they don't feel like they're being treated equally, it's not your decision to tell them, yes, you are. Well, people just love to take up an opposition as well as what I found. When there's a cause going on, if it isn't inclusive to them in the way that it's not about them, they'll take an opposition. So because it's Black Lives Matter, they're just like, well, I'm white. I'm not included in this. Well, you fucking could be. You could be out there marching with your black and brown counterparts and showing support. But because it's not about you, you take the opposition. You take whatever

stance is not what to me, I guess, Black Lives Matter because of where we are is the popular movement. It is like people should be involved in being inclusive. But I know it's not everywhere in America. I have a thing with men where like sometimes I think men are hopeless because of the behavior they've demonstrated for the last 5,000 years. But I have a thing with women like I don't get how a woman could not a mother, someone who's a parent and a mother ever be okay with anyone else's child being shot in a school or being shot by police. You know, I don't understand how mothers can't get behind that like oh my god your child was stolen from you people are so self-involved they don't see their children in those other kids right that's right they don't see that they think that's separate right that's not their kids like that's that's a non-issue for them because it's

not going to happen in their all-white school like that's they don't associate that with their lives that is the other that's not my problem when in their all white school. Like that's they don't associate that with their lives. That is the other. That's not my problem. When I say school shootings, I just bring that up because it's a Republican thing. I don't mean that's the same. You know, it's not the same thing as Black Lives Matter, but it's two Republican things, you know, not having a problem with Black Lives Matter and thinking that it's OK for mass shootings to happen in schools all the time. It's OK to live in a country where it's essentially a war zone. That's Republican. And that's why we don't have kids.

That's why we're not Republicans. I'm getting tired. I'm really going to need a margarita. We're getting one. So don't worry about that, sweetheart. I just don't want that girl to get married. Well, I don't want her to get married either. But, you know, like that's very difficult because I don't want a 21 year old girl to get married. Well, I don't want her to get married either. But, you know, like that's very difficult because I don't want a 21 year old girl to get married. Like you don't even know

what's going to happen in 10 years, like what you're going to be into. You don't realize how young you are at 21. I thought I fucking knew everything. I'm like, I am an adult. There is nothing anyone can tell me. And now I look back at that. I was like, I was so naive to what life really looks like. I still feel like a baby sometimes. I'm 31. Well, at 21, I was keying. I once keyed my ex-boyfriend's car because we broke up and then I got drunk, went over to his house and opened the door. I had a key to his house and there was a woman in his bed. And then I ran out and I keyed his car. That's what I was doing when I was 21. You know, I haven't keyed somebody's car in a really long time. I should keep my Bill's car.

So you just have to buy her a new one. So it'd really just be another expense. Well, we covered racism. We covered religion. We covered addiction, kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Heavy topics. Much heavier than I anticipated. This podcast is a little bit heavier than I had anticipated it would be. Luckily, there are personal stories to weave through to keep it light. But I mean, I wasn't expecting this level of seriousness, but I welcome it and I welcome a challenge and I want to help people and I love everybody who's written in and I really want to support you. So we're just going to keep it moving and keep it rolling and just accept whatever comes our way. Also, I am on tour. My tickets are officially on sale.

We've added a couple of extra shows. We're going to be announcing dates as we go. You can buy tickets at Ticketmaster for my shows. I'll be playing my next big show. I'm at the Santa Barbara Bowl, August 21st. So you can come see me there. And then I have all the other cities that I have already released and tickets are available. And I can't fucking wait. It's called Vaccinated and Horny. So make sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horniness and then

keep them to yourself, please. Do you or someone you know need advice on any subject, literally anything? You can send your submission to DearChelseaProject at gmail.com. As-salamu alaykum. Bye-bye. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. This January, join me for our third annual January Jumpstart Series.

Starting January 1st, we'll have inspiring conversations to give you a hand in kickstarting your personal growth. If you've been holding back or playing small, this is your all-access pass to step fully into the possibilities of the new year. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Or what's in the museum of failure? And does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead.

The Really No Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives

dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that'll resonate with your experiences,

Decisions Decisions is gonna be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. So that's why we created The Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts, to give you the context you need to make sense of it all.

Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapoport. And my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapoport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention.

I am here to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts.