Dear Chelsea - We Might All Be Dead By Then with Chelsea + Catherine

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

Chelsea and Catherine tackle listener updates, Doug’s latest antics, and relationship recidivism.  Then: A fitness instructor’s tactics range from screaming to downright triggering.  A loyal friend needs her bestie’s man to ride off into the sunset.  And a new mom’s lifelong friend falls into the clutches of a controlling husband - even though they don’t speak the same language. * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and

conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, WeezyWTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation.

Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development. And on my podcast, Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen. Hey, guys. you like to listen. That's what my podcast, Post Run High, is all about. It's a chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories, their journeys, and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together.

Listen to Post Run High on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Katherine. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? Today is a solo episode, and we do solo episodes everybody so that we can take more callers yes we just rock and roll right on through we did I mean the last time we did this we took like six calls and there were one really long one so that was good we got a lot of fucking work done we do we really do for all of our patients we're just like you know healing people helping people get divorced.

I have some updates from callers. Okay. I love this part. Okay. This is from Maggie. Maggie had written in way back in our Katie Couric episode. Her husband had battled addiction, started an affair with a co-worker, and she said it felt a lot like a relapse, so she was trying to let go of the marriage. Dear Chelsea, I wanted to update you since it's been a little over a year since I was on the show. I want to start by saying thank you to both you and Katie Couric. The advice and book recommendations you gave me were a lifeline at a really dark time. Beyond that, the love you showed me was a true blessing, so thank you. Oh, I love it. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

Since we spoke, I have officially divorced my cheating ex-husband and a weight has been lifted from my life. Nice. Mm-hmm. Look at you. My life shifted from worrying about him and his needs and his sobriety to worrying about me, myself, and I. And oh my God, life is amazing. I was so scared to do life on my own, but here I am doing it and loving it. After moving on from my ex, I entered the dating scene for the first time as a fully formed adult,

and while it's often a shit show, I've had some great experiences. In the past year, I've had the best sex of my life, had more time to focus on the things I love, poured more of my energy into my friendships, and devoted myself to building a life that I adore. I have a much better sense of self-worth and know that if and when I meet someone, they will only have a shot with me if they're on my level. I always thought I'd write in an update when I found my new happily ever after, and then it hit me today that I have. My happily ever after is me.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart, Maggie. No longer needing a pseudonym because that divorce is final. Wow. That could have been like the prolog because that divorce is final. Wow. That could have been like the prologue for my new book. Ooh. This letter. I fucking love it.

Right? Fucking right on. Exactly. You and yourself. That is the love story between you and yourself. Yes. That's how I felt in our Jane Fonda episode when we chatted with her. It was like, you know, we talked about her previous loves in her life. And it just like seems like she's found herself in this last decade of her life.

And it's just so exciting to see women come into their own and be their own people. Yeah. It's fabulous. I have a half update and a half question. We always say people don't write in when they like didn't follow the advice. And this person followed the advice, but it, you know, sort of went a little sideways. Like that. Backfired.

Bella said, Dear Chelsea and Catherine, I don't know if you remember me, but I spoke with you and the office ladies about my breakup for the end of 2022. I had been together with my ex for two years and we were friends before that. And I had wanted to know about how to go about mending the friendship when we were ready. Well, it's been interesting. At first, the ex and I would see each other around once or twice a month at friend gatherings and remain friendly but distant. After about six months, he offered to have coffee and reconnect, which I accepted. We had a cathartic conversation about our breakup, and then he wanted to hear about my dating life. I didn't really want to talk about it, but he was insistent, reassuring me he could handle it. He cried and confessed he hasn't dated at all and it's all still too soon. This

little coffee date changed the nature of our dynamic moving forward at hangouts and parties. He became more flirty and was always trying to catch my eye and my friends would try to buffer. I started to get tired of the casual dating scene and began entertaining getting back with him. I should have written you then. To make a long story short, in June, we kissed at a party and within a month, we agreed to try things out again. Now I can't help but think it was a big mistake. We go on dates and when I'm with him, I really enjoy his company. But when we're not together, I barely think about him or try to communicate. I can't tell if I'm being emotionally avoidant or if I don't like him as much anymore. And maybe I was chasing a feeling I missed, not a person.

My 23-year-old brain is so mad at itself. This isn't a great update, but an honest and messy one. Please tell me you've been through this before. I feel so guilty and unsure of what to do now. Do I stick it out and try to see if I change my mind or say goodbye sooner rather than later? Bella. What's the problem? She was, like, trying to be friends with her ex and we were like, give them some space

and they have like the same friend group. So they're going to run into each other. Yeah. I think you're not that into him anymore. I don't, it doesn't sound like it. If you're not thinking about them when you're not with them, that's all you need to know.

Yeah. Yeah. And I also think you don't need to beat yourself up about kissing him. When you like someone, that's all you think about. Ding, ding, ding. Right. So, yeah, move on. Yeah.

Okay. Good job, Bella. And you're 23. It's okay to, like, kiss a few bros. Oh, yeah. Don't beat yourself up either, Bella. That is annoying. Don't do that. Yeah. You're 23 years old, and you're a human being. Everyone fucks up. And it's not even a fuck-up. It's just recidivism.

Recidivism. Speaking of recidivism, Brad and I started watching this show. Brad, what is it called? Thank God OJ died. Oh, God. Serious. Speaking of recidivism. Brad, what's that show called about the jail that's trying this experiment?

I think it's called The Jail Experiment. Whoopsie doodle. It's on Netflix. There's a prison in like Kansas or something. And they are trying like a European model of while they're still incarcerated, they like open all the doors and there's no guards inside the actual cell block. And they can just like come and go and have to form their own community within the jail. It's pretty interesting. Oh, and how is that working out?

I've only seen episode three. But I mean, it seems to me like own community within the jail. It's pretty interesting. Oh, and how is that working out? I've only seen episode three, so. But, I mean, it seems to be like nobody's killing each other. It seems to be working out. Well, give it time, though, because although the guards probably cause half of that distress, leave them alone and treat them like human beings. Maybe they'll. Completely. Like, they were being kept in their cells for, like, 23 hours a day.

I'm like, that's basically solitary confinement. Anyone would go crazy and be horrible in that situation. So, I don't know. I'm like, that's basically solitary confinement. Anyone would go crazy and be horrible in that situation. So I don't know. I'm really interested to see what happens. Because like in Norway and stuff, they just like they don't have any walls or locks or anything. Everyone can just like leave if they want, but they're not supposed to. Prison?

In prison. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. It's completely different. It's come and go as you please. Who's agreeing to that? It's like they're out in a field. They've got places where they live and they're not supposed to go anywhere.

But there's no walls. It's I don't know. Yeah. Things are working in some different places. Yeah. The show's called Unlocked. A jail experiment. A jail experiment.

Well, I was close. Clever name. Yes. Chelsea. Yes. I'm Chelsea. Who are you? I'm Catherine.

You're Catherine and I'm Chelsea. I am. So I Catherine and I'm Chelsea I am Soy Catherine what do we want people to write in about this week? I mean STDs

oh yeah they're making a comeback STDs they're having a moment yeah because people have been talking about it a lot lately I'm like

is something going around that I need to be aware of because well write in to us about your STD questions yes please do

yeah we can always have an expert on who can deal with a gynecological expert like my father. Yeah, and write in about your gynecological stuff too. Or write in about your massages because I had a questionable massage the other day and he floated past my Pikachu

a couple times. I had panties on. I had full panty protection. I actually put a full panty on for double protection. And I was and he swept my sclopus area twice, but he touched my vagina in between my legs. And then he did it again. And I, and then I was like, oh, I'm going to have to say stop. And then he didn't do it again. But I was about to say, sir, like, I couldn't believe I had to say something.

Yeah. Like stop sweeping my vagina. Had he been different looking, I would have I couldn't believe I had to say something. Yeah. Like stop sweeping my vagina. Had he been different looking, I would have been more open to the sweeping of the vagina. But that was not my type. Were you saying you have friends or one of your friends was telling us that there's someone out in Beverly Hills who's like the guy that people go to. To get an orgasm? Yeah, I guess so. Oh, I don't remember that. No.

Maybe that's from a different podcast. Yeah, maybe. It sounds like it. Catherine's been moonlighting. I'm great at massages. Chelsea, should we take a break and get to some callers? Yes, let's take a break and we'll be right back. I'm Jason Alexander.

And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you

and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park.

Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really.

Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. This is a caller bonanza episode. Truly. So this one actually is just an email. So.

Oh, OK. Stephanie says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a 46 year old mother of three who recently joined a gym. Although I'm making some physical gains at the gym, these gains are overshadowed by a dip in my self-confidence. My male instructor has taken to screaming at me when my form is off or I'm making a small error. There's a constant correction to the point where I leave there feeling happy I completed the workout but defeated for letting him scream at me in a room full of strangers.

Fuck off! I mean, do you fuck with this boot camp stuff? No, no, I don't do that. No, that's a no thank you. I'm also conscious of my upbringing that included lots of screaming and that others, mostly women, in the, may be triggered by that approach. Is there a way to let him know this approach is not working for me and still retain a good relationship and work on my fitness goals? Should I speak to him in person or can I send him a well-crafted email?

I don't want to quit, but I also don't want this dynamic to continue. Help me find my inner strength so I can continue to work on the outside. Well, can't you just go to a different class? Yeah, I think it's like a one-on-one, but yeah, I would say change instructors. Absolutely. Just change instructors. You don't have to owe him anything. Just go, this style isn't working for me. You don't even have to explain yourself unless it's like the trainer that the gym provides you, in which case you can still change trainers. Yeah, there's got to be more than one. And for some reason, if you can't change can't change trainers absolutely say in person listen the screaming and yelling doesn't work for me

like i'm actually trying to build my confidence yeah you know not to plead it and that to me is a trigger and there's someone overseeing all these trainers so like go to the manager be like hey i need to switch like this isn't yeah it's not a big deal to switch trainers yeah i'd be like i want someone who's supportive and or classes it sounds like other women are in the class, right? Yeah, I like classes. Classes are fun. No, no, she's saying, I don't know how the other women feel. I think she's saying like the other women that are just around hearing her be screamed at, which I get. Oh yeah, that's a great thing to bring up too. Yeah, like I would tell the manager like, this doesn't work for me and I do worry about other people like just hearing screaming in the background. But I don't know, I guess it does work for some people because some people love those boot camp

things. It's not my style. No. My personal trainer that I started working with, she has almost no personality. And I was talking to someone about it. And I'm like, you know, she doesn't make conversation. I mean, I worked with her for like six months before she even asked me like what I do for a living, like the basics. Right. And my friend was just like, maybe you don't want to have a conversation with your trainer. Like maybe you just want to like stand there in silence between your sets. And I was like, you know, maybe that's true. That's how I am with Ben Bruno. We barely speak.

Really? Well, I mean, we talk, but we have such a shorthand. It's like, yes, I've done plenty of workouts where we haven't said a word to each other. I love that. I do, too. There's no pressure. For me being like a Midwestern, like people pleaser conversationalist, it was hard for her. I think it's a good practice because it's good.

Yeah. Because sometimes people don't want to fucking talk. It's good to be able to pick up on that as well. First, I was like kind of upset about it. And then I was like, no, I'm just going to let this happen. And work on your body and actually focus on what you're doing. Perfect. And now a big round ass and I love it.

Look at you. Chelsea, I have a couple of friends calling in. They are Chrissy and Melanie. And Chrissy's in her 40s and Melanie's in her 50s. Dear Chelsea, I'm an avid listener who has always wanted to write in, but I have had a hard time narrowing down my laundry list of advice needed. When you said you were looking for a couple or friends to come on the show, I knew you were speaking to me. My best friend of 13 years is like a sister to me. We're both single moms, and we've gone through raising both of our kids and multiple men together.

There is plenty we don't agree on, but our love for each other and place in each other's families has always been enough to overcome our differences. Here's the problem. My friend has been dating her on-again, off-again boyfriend for over five years. Very early in their relationship, he bought her an engagement ring that he has used as a carrot to hold over her head when the relationship starts to go off the rails. And there's plenty to set it off the rails. He does not get along with her 18-year-old daughter, who is also like a daughter to me. He's prone to throwing temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way, at times ruining nights out, or worse, entire vacations. But beyond the surface

personality deficit, he can also be very controlling. He has pulled her boss aside to discuss how her workload is affecting their relationship, which is so inappropriate, demanded that she give back expensive gifts when they are on a break and then used them to lure her back. I try to be supportive or at least silent when they're together. But the problem is when they're not together, I hear even more stories about how horrible he is. In so many ways, my friend is a strong, independent woman. She owned and sold her own business in a male-dominated field. She has her own Harley and rides around in designer clothes. And she's never been one to keep her mouth shut

if a topic comes up she doesn't agree with. How do I get her to open her eyes to how bad this relationship really is and the negative impact it's having on her daughter? Or, gulp, is this a me problem that I need to work on accepting their situation and not sticking my head into their business? Also, we've already considered becoming late-in-life lesbians

and blending our families, but for some reason, we're both still attracted to men. Ugh. Thank you for any help with this, Chrissy and Melanie. Hi, ladies. Where are we? Okay, there's Melanie. Hello, hello.

Hi, Melanie. Hi. Okay, we're waiting for Chrissy. Hold on. Hi, Chrissy. How are you? Hi, guys. Hi.

Thanks for calling in. I love friendship stuff, so this is great. So, Chrissy. How are you? Hi, guys. Hi. Thanks for calling in. I love friendship stuff, so this is great. So, Chrissy, okay, so you explained to us in your letter very comprehensively how you feel about Melanie's on-and-off boyfriend of five years. So, Melanie, what do you have to say? You know how Chrissy feels about him, right? I do, And I absolutely respect everything she says to me all the time. It's one of those things that's really, it's really hard for me. Sometimes I feel like it's not hard for me to give up. It's hard for me to hurt him.

Right. And there's a lot of family dynamic that is starting to make it easier for me to, you know, sometimes think about going that way. Going what way? To break up with him. Okay. Because my daughter does not like him at all. And that's a big thing. You know, I don't want to be that mom that is like, you know, she says, oh, well, you can't come over for Thanksgiving because she doesn't want my boyfriend to come over. I don't want her to, I don't want to be in that position. Right. And it's tough, very tough. And you're worried about hurting him. I mean, do you feel like you're happy in this relationship? Not a hundred percent. I feel like he is secure. Like financially, emotionally? Financial. Even though he doesn't really do financial things for me, but I know that in the end that I won't have to worry.

That sounds really horrible. Yeah. Can I clarify something really quick, Melanie? Because Chrissy, when I read this email, I was like, oh, so he gave you a ring early on. And Chrissy clarified, he hasn't actually given you the ring. He just owns it,

right? So you're not engaged. Nope, we are not engaged. What is your take on this ring situation that he's kind of holding it over you? So I feel that he is like hung it in front of me many times. And every time we talk about it, there's always a different reason as to why we shouldn't move forward. And typically it's, well, your daughter doesn't like me. We need to get her on board. Or, well, now we're having problems with your mom. Or now we can't spend as much time together. And honestly, even if we were to get engaged and married, we wouldn't even be able to live together until like I take care of my, or I'm going to be taking care of my mother. So it would not be a situation where we could even

really live together full time anyway. It would be a weird dynamic. And what is your daughter? What, what doesn't she like about him? He has no children. So he tends to act like a child at times because he's never had to raise kids. And are you attracted to that? Well, I thought I was attracted to the fact that he didn't have kids. Right. But the childish behavior is not attractive at all. No. It sounds like he's actually quite unattractive on multiple levels. And you are holding on onto an idea about something that may or may not happen in the future and looking at that financial dependency as a reason to stay in when he's exhibited all of the signs that he will never be able to take care of you in his comfort zone. Not that

he won't be able to, he won't take care of you. Because if he was going to take care of you, he would want to start right away. Yeah, you'd have already done it. Yeah. So you're waiting for the one positive thing you said about him was that he's financially secure. And I'm here to tell you that his financial security will have nothing to do with you. Also, like you're dating in the age group that has the most financial security. That should be something that's like pretty easy to find someone who's like got their shit together. I'm sure it is. I mean, and I and I'm not unable to take care of myself. I mean, I have been taking care of myself my whole life. So it's not. Well, I would argue that you're not taking care of yourself, actually. I think that

you are not taking care of yourself by allowing yourself to be in and out of a five year relationship with someone that your friend who dearly loves you is telling you she doesn't like, and then your daughter is telling you she doesn't like. If you can't listen to those two people, they know better than you do about this situation than you do because you're in it. And these are two people that you trust and love over time.

I really would implore you to listen to them. They have your best interests. I promise you. I know they do. to them. They have your best interests. I promise you I know they do this guy does not have your best interest and i'm not even sure you have your best interest right now You're probably right I definitely feel like some you know, I need to let go It's hard to let go when you're so used to something I understand but the

The biggest issue for me is my daughter I love her more than life, as I'm sure you can understand. And I don't ever want to do anything to hurt her. And when we have conversations and she's like, Mom, I just don't like him. And I'm sitting there going, what do I do? You know, like I know what to do, but it's really it's hard. No, I know. It's so hard to make that move. I know it is. but you have to, because listen, this is your daughter. You're showing her what is acceptable. You're showing and demonstrating to her. Even if she says she'll never do that, you are exhibiting for her what she thinks is going to be okay at some point down the line, because she saw her own mother do it. So you

care about your daughter. She's the most important thing in the world to you. You love her more than anything. That alone right there, her dislike of him is a reason enough for you not to be in a relationship with him. Breakups, somebody gets hurt in a breakup all the time. You'll get hurt. He'll get hurt. This is not the man for you. He's just not. So in order for you to like go and find somebody that is going to be respected by your best friend here, Chrissy, and your daughter, you have to get out of this relationship because there is something waiting for you that is going to be much more fulfilling

and much more life-altering and welcomed by the people that love you instead of dismissed or rejected. Do you know what I mean? All you have to do is make the move and you'll get to the next part of your great life. I promise you, you're financially secure. Don't depend on anybody

who is not bringing tons of shit to your table. Joy, bringing joy. Yeah, joy, for sure. Chrissy, can you tell us a few things that you love about Melanie and what kind of joy you would love to see brought into her life? Yes.

Is it okay if I cry? Yes. I love you, Chris. That's nice. Melanie is the strongest woman I know. I met her when she was just going through a divorce. She opened up a cigar shop. She had an all-male clientele.

She put these guys in their place. She rides a Harley. She is like a tough chick. And I hate to see that this man is having this control over her because I know also a single mom. She was there for me whenever I had my son. We always talk about how we're going to end up in a house in New Hampshire making goat smoke soap and running a farm someday. Oh, that sounds like so much fun, you guys. Yeah, it does. It does. Yeah. With our kids and grandkids. And it sounds like a great time.

Yeah, it does sound like a great time. Melanie, you know what you need to do. I do. And I definitely appreciate hearing it from you. Thank you very much. And I appreciate hearing it from Chrissy. I want to make sure that she knows that. And I don't discount what she says because she is such an

amazing friend and she tries to stay neutral. And I know it's hard for her to stay neutral. And I don't want her to feel that she has to stay neutral with me. I want her to feel that she can say whatever she wants to me, which she does. So, you know, I appreciate the advice and Chelsea, you're even more beautiful in person. Oh, you are too, Melanie. Thank you. Start acting like it. I know. I mean, this is a powerful friendship.

When Chrissy wrote in and I read that email, I'm like, there's no way she's going to get her friend on the call with this. You know, because you said you hadn't really addressed it yet. But here you are. I know. It's just such a beautiful friendship. Yes. really addressed it yet, but here you are. It's just such a beautiful friendship. First of all, the person Melanie is thanking her friend Chrissy for intervening and even for demonstrating this and loving, like, it's so beautiful. You guys don't even, you just need each other and you'll

be happy. Yeah. Thank you. And your daughter, of course. Yes. And her son. Yeah. But I promise you, once you make this decision and once you are able to go through with breaking it off, you are going to feel a weight like an albatross lifted off of your shoulders. I promise you your future is going to be brighter and lighter without this person in it. Yeah, I agree. I mean, I've been there in that position and then I've come back and I think, why did I do that? Yeah. Do you have thoughts about making it stick, Chelsea? I mean, I think you just have to go. I think you have to write that stuff down.

You have to be like, I'm done with this relationship and I'm ready to move forward. Like I'm ready to move forward in my life and in my relationship with Chrissy, my relationship with my daughter. And it's not even about men coming up, but like the recidivism, which is a word we threw around recently, going back and forth with relationships is always a big, big red flag without even hearing anything about him. And then hearing everything about him, it's all red flags. It's just, you're never going to get what you want out of this relationship. No, I don't think I will. I'm, you know, I'm committed to caring for my family. I'm committed to taking care of my mom and, you know, making sure that she, I don't think I will. I'm committed to caring for my family. I'm committed to taking care of my mom and making sure that she, I don't like to talk about her dying, but I'm committed to making sure that she is comfortable and I will never put her in a home, which stay away from a person if you really desire to do that. It's not like you don't have control over yourself.

You do. And you want to demonstrate that for your daughter more important than anything else. You want to show her that you took it upon yourself to walk away from him out of respect, partially, for her feelings. You know? That means a lot. And I would expect any mother to behave that way and understand and respect their children's feelings. Your children don't get to decide who you go out with. But if they are that bothered by somebody, you have to look at that. Yeah.

No. Yeah. Before Brad, I was in a really toxic, negative situation. And I thought I was in love with this person. I thought I was in love with this person for a long time. And it took everyone in my life who loved me, my family, my friends who knew him, my friends who didn't really know him but had heard about him, these people who all loved me, it took so long of them saying like, this is not for you. I finally had to be like, I think this is still the right thing for me. But if all these people who just care about me are saying it's not good, I'm just going

to bite the bullet. And two weeks later, I was like a completely different person, like noticeably different person. And it was the best decision I ever made. And you met your person after that. I did. You never stayed with somebody. Exactly. If I hadn't broken that off, I actually would never have been, I would never have moved cities and met Brad. So you don't have to move Melanie. Just get away from that guy. Yeah, no, I'm definitely not moving at this point. That's for sure. We'll wait until we're set. Chrissy and I are set financially and we can have our little harem. I love it. With our goats and soap and all that. Yes. I love this plan. Yoga. What else, Chris? That reminds me of the saying,

where the crow flies. I don't know why, but I thought I would just throw that in for the mix because I didn't understand what that saying meant for like, I think I had to ask someone last week. I'm like, where does the crow fly? Where? They're like, oh, it's the most direct route. I'm like, what? That's what that saying's about? What's the point? Just say the fastest way to get there. Anyway, thanks, girls. Thank you, Chrissy.

Thanks for calling in. And thanks, Melanie. Have a great rest of your relationship because it's going to be over soon. And I'm sure Chrissy will touch base with you and tell you how things go. And that doesn't have to be a sad part either. Yeah.

Like that can be a celebration also. Sure. And then go out and buy yourself a ring. Yeah, buy yourself a ring. Yeah. Exactly. That's right. Great idea.

Yeah. Chrissy, we'll go together. Yes. Yes. Okay, bye girls. Bye. Thank you. Bye.

I felt like at some point during that, I felt like, you know, when you bring, you go to therapy and with couples therapy and you're like just waiting for the doctor to say, you're just waiting for them to go in on your partner and you're just sitting there like Chrissy was sitting there just and I'm like, don't worry, honey, I'm coming. Like that's I wanted to say, don't worry, I got your back. Like I'm going in. Yeah. I know. I was like, we got to get Chrissy in here because she's just like loving on her friends so much. I know. That was really pretty friendship. That is so nice and so well received. It's very gracious when people receive criticism

like that, even though it's not about her. It is about her because she's participating in a relationship with somebody who's not, doesn't value her. And she, I mean, Chrissy just loves Melanie. That's her only motivation here, right? It's like if someone thinks that you should break up with someone who's toxic, it's not because they want something bad for you. It's because they want the best for you, you know? So, and I also think there was a really good lesson in here, too. We, you know, constantly are like address the situation with your friend or your whoever you're having the issue with. Bring it up.

Talk about it. Get it out. And this is a situation where they had the hard conversation and the person wasn't upset about it and she was receptive yes right right right exactly yeah this is yeah so right a perfect example of how it can go yeah yeah well let's do an email and then we'll come back with Marguerite. This is from Cindy. She's in her 40s. Dear Chelsea, last year I left a 15-year marriage. I'm finally at the point where I'm at peace with my divorce and my new life. I'm comfortable being single, enjoy the freedom of not having to answer to anyone,

love being a mother to my boys, and I'm in the position to pursue whatever I want professionally and personally. Nice. Yeah. Fucking crushing it. Yeah. I want professionally and personally. Nice. Yeah. Fucking crushing it. Yeah. I currently have a friend with benefits. While I don't believe I could actively have sex with multiple partners,

my FWB has made it very clear he wants to explore sex with multiple women using protection. FWB's fuck buddy? Friend with benefits. Oh, sorry. Which that's actually an important distinction that I want to get into with this email. He was married for 16 years and a virgin before that, so I understand his desire to explore sex. I'm wrestling with the idea of dating and relationships in my 40s as a newly single woman. I'm not sure that I truly want to settle down, but I also foresee wanting someone to enjoy life with within 10 years.

My only concern is that I want my FWB to eventually want monogamy with me and I'll end up getting hurt. The sex is amazing. We enjoy spending time together and engage in deep, meaningful conversations. Our values other than this align. Am I setting myself up for hurt with my FWB

or should I just enjoy the ride, Cindy? Enjoy the fucking ride. When people tell you something, believe them. You know, just believe it. Just take that at face value. Don't look for a hidden meaning or maybe they'll come around. No, they just fucking told you they want to fuck other people. So as long as you're okay with that, be with them.

Enjoy the sex. And you fuck other people, too. Yeah. And, like, date other people. Like, you can just, like, have lots of casual dates while you're being with a guy. You have to stop thinking so far ahead into the future, too. We could all be dead by then. Like just enjoy what is happening in this moment as much as you possibly can.

And if you get too attached to this person who is unavailable, then you need to dismantle that relationship and go have sex with someone else. Yeah. And, you know, it's not just like people don't just like turn into what you want them to be. I think friends with benefits is like the most confusing thing because I think that is a great arrangement. Well, like fuck buddy to me is like they come over, you have sex, you're friendly and then they leave. Oh, yeah. Right. Right. Okay. Okay. We're having these deep conversations. We're like connecting like you can't not catch feelings of that situation well when you are talking about things yes of course you're gonna catch feelings

about that yeah so i think kick them out after it's over and then like stop trying to have a friendship it's fuck buddy right that's what i think i think fuck buddy yeah and then also have additional fuck buddies yeah yeah layer Yeah. Layer, layer up. Okay. So this is from Marguerite. Dear Chelsea, I had a baby five months ago. I'm 38, single, and did it on my own, and it's been awesome. Nice.

Literally the day I gave birth, my lifelong friend John introduced me to his new boyfriend. A week postpartum, John told me that he and his new boyfriend were engaged and getting married in just a few short months. John met his boyfriend on a dating app. His boyfriend is from Colombia. John doesn't speak Spanish, and this boyfriend does not speak English, so they communicate solely through Google Translate. I tried to be as supportive as possible and had them both over for dinner a number of times. I was apprehensive because of the speed of the relationship. They moved in together after three weeks, were engaged in a month, and eventually married in four months.

Coming from an Irish family, we had a big baptism for my son at a restaurant in Alphabet City. There were 10 courses and an open bar. I was breastfeeding, and so I didn't drink. I thought the night was a big hit and went home with a clear, tired mind. The next day, however, John abruptly ended our friendship over text, saying that I had offended his boyfriend. A few days later, his mother emailed me and reinforced that his family was cutting ties and alluded to how I had treated his partner. His mother wasn't even at the baptism. There were 20 people there who can attest nothing happened. I hardly spoke to John or the

boyfriend, busy as you are at such raucous events. I don't know how to move forward. Being in the mental health field for over a decade, I can see the signs of control and abuse, which begin with isolating the partner from those closest to them. Sorry, this is long-winded. I just would like advice on how to navigate the end of one of my closest friendships and the misinformation around an innocuous day and how to get my friend back if I can. Thanks so much, Marguerite. Hi. Hi, guys. Hi, Marguerite. How are you? Good. Thanks for having me. Yeah, for sure. So I have a couple of questions that I want to clarify. First of all, how supposedly did you offend the boyfriend? Do you speak Spanish? I don't. So how could you even have offended him?

That's the thing. It's all such a mystery. Did you ask them when you heard from them what happened? Well, I got blocked. And this is like a 30-year friend. We didn't text. Maybe texting to confirm where we were meeting up. But I just got a text saying it's over. And

then he like, I don't have social media, but my mom does. And my mom told me that he blocked her on all the social media. It was just over. That's so strange. So, and I asked everybody and I was the most sober one by miles. And I asked everybody, like, does anybody notice anything weird happen? Anything? Nothing. That's so strange. I also have this question. Do you know for sure? I mean, obviously the mother emailed you as well, but could it have been this boyfriend texting you from your friend's phone? Because he doesn't speak English or he didn't. I mean, unless there's like a. But if he doesn't speak English and the other guy doesn't speak Spanish. They use Google Translate when they communicate. This must be.

I know. I watch a lot of 90 Day Fiance. So this is fascinating to me. Can you imagine 30 years? And you didn't respond to his mother? So I did. I did did what did you say I said I was trying to be like enlightened and I just said I think you need to check on your son because I didn't want to defend myself right like I didn't because the more I defend the more it looks like

you know right that check on your kid because nothing happened. Well, listen, I don't know what you can do because obviously. I want her to go stalk him at work and like go be like, can we talk? Can we get coffee? Yeah. I mean, I would try a little bit harder to find out, like send him an email and be like, listen, I have asked everyone at that wedding. I was completely sober at that wedding. I don't speak

Spanish. I would like to know exactly what I did to deserve the ending of a 30 year friendship. It feels very abrupt and it feels like a very undeserving and you've caused me a lot of heartache and I don't even know what I did. How could I have offended him if I don't speak Spanish and he speaks Spanish only? How? So it was, so it was at my son's baptism and his mother wrote in the email, this was verbatim, that I used my son as a weapon of hate in the email. I mean, what does that even mean? I was literally like eating my eggplant rollatini being like, like, they're boring. This stuff is boring. Baptisms are boring.

These are just the events that we go through. Yeah, it was so innocuous. I feel like you I mean, you can send the email, I wouldn't get your hopes up about a reasonable response. Because if it is this control thing that you're thinking, then there's nothing you're going to be able to do. You know what I mean? As long as he's married to that guy. But you can try one more time to open up that conversation to be like, this is very upsetting, especially when I'm not you were at my baptism. I can't imagine what I did to deserve a weapon of hate. Like that's very strong language. Yeah. And I mean, if you're blocked on email, maybe it's like a letter to his work or something like something physical that you can get through because it just feels so confusing.

And I think I'd let him know, like, I'm so confused. I don't know what happened. Can we talk? Can we meet? And even if the relationship can't be repaired right now while he's in this, like let him know that you love him and you're here.

But it's almost like, do I still love him? Like not, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. How are you feeling about the loss of friendship other than confused? I think I started as really like I started with sadness. I mean, this was like not just like a text check in friend. This was one of my closest friends since third grade. Like, I mean, I saw him once a week at minimum. We had spent Christmas together, Thanksgiving. Like we were family. Like my mother considered him another son. Like he was a part of my, my tribe. He was one of my people. And so I felt really abandoned, especially because I'm a single mom. I've just given birth and you just dump me for some guy

you've known for 31 days. And now I think I moved through that. Then I dealt with the anger and now I just kind of feel sorry for him, which is a terrible thing to feel towards someone like that takes away their power. But in a way I do feel sorry for him. Like you're losing an authentic friend and not giving them the space to even defend themselves. You're shutting it down so quickly because, you know, there's no room for rationality. Yeah, I think I think you're absolutely right about that. And like you said, you worked in mental health. You can like see when someone's being blatantly controlled.

And that's like very clear. That's what's happening here. But I think you owe it to both of you. Is it clear? I mean, is that clear? I think it is. It's very mysterious. Like, how can you control someone when you can't speak the same language?

Good question. I have a friend who went through this actually with someone that she she was actually the immigrant. She was from Canada and she was like trying to stay here. And she like stayed with a guy who told her she couldn't talk to her two gay best friends anymore because they had introduced her to her ex. What? Cut her off from the rest of us who are like neighbors and friends. Cut her off from her own family. I mean, that's what these people do. Like bad boyfriends. But that's not that's one option. That's not the option. Right. You didn't know anything. I mean, did you get that impression leading up? Well, I was postpartum as a single mom. Right. Like so I wasn't like spending my energy, but I did obviously think about it. And

I got the sense that they didn't know each other very well. But I also kept that in because I knew that the more I told John my concerns, the more he was going to run into the arms of this guy. I also believe everyone has agency and can make decisions on their own time. So I held all of my fears and concerns in. But I do think if I'm looking at the perspective of the boyfriend, like it is about survival, like he does need a green card. And maybe I was a barrier to that. I don't know. But I just can't believe that my friend would throw away that intimate of a friendship. Well, that's really lame. I mean, yeah, of course, it's hugely disappointing. And I would just walk away from it if you can, because it's you're almost opening up a wound where you're not going to get you or you're going to get some bullshit story that they don't even know. But the fact that he did ditch you for somebody who needed a green card that he had known for 31 days is pretty much all you need to know about that friendship, right? Even though it was 30 years, like he's not thinking clearly in this relationship.

This relationship probably won't last that long. And then, so I guess part of my question too is what do I do when inevitably he comes crawling back or knocking back? Well, then you have an opportunity to be graceful and and to be like yeah that was really shitty and sucky and as long as he's not in that like hubris that he was in marrying this guy he's not thinking clearly around that guy and around that situation and his mother for sending that email is also not thinking clearly because what is she thinking her she's watching her son get married to somebody who needs a green card that he's known for 31 days.

And she's also on team. This guy, this guy. I mean, it doesn't make any sense. Yeah. I would give him another chance to, I mean,

just for the sake of the fact that you have lapses in judgment and that he's having one. It seems like an important enough relationship to you. And you have so much history that like, hopefully you can eventually get some back of what you had before. But who knows? You might not have a friendship with him again. No, I know.

Because how do you really repair that? Don't worry about repairing it because you're not there yet. When the time comes, if and when the time comes, I promise you, you will be able to find it in your bandwidth and heart to go, oh, you know what? It's just happy to see you again. You're back. The real you is back. If and when that happens, it may never happen. So I think for you, you should just try and I think pity is a good way to get over something, to feel pity for him. I think that helps you get to the place where you're at peace with not having him in your life anymore. Yeah. After the pity. I agree. Thank you, guys. And I'm sorry that happened to you. That sounds really confusing. Yeah, that's fucking what? Do they think that you didn't approve of his gay lifestyle? Is that what she means by? No, I think that he I like I really think if I'm being like honest and zooming out and using my third eye

I think the boyfriend saw oh this is someone who has a huge family who huge support in the city and could eventually become a barrier to me marrying this guy because they married like they disinvited me from their wedding that night and then they went on to get married so I think it was like the boyfriend saw oh she like is a real person I need to like get her out of the way wow yeah that does sound very controlling them disinviting you to the wedding is very like he's being controlled because who would do that after a 30-year friendship oh yeah I'm just going to disinvite my friend yeah my best friend anyway you're not crazy so there's that you're normal you seem very normal and with it and i would focus on the friends that you do have in your life and that's unfortunate and always reserve a warm space in your heart for his return yeah thanks guys and

remember marguerite you don't have to deal with anything before it happens so true yeah yeah so just let go yeah let go and let us know if he pops back up thank you okay take care thanks marguerite bye oh sweetie wow i'd like to know that story i know i want to know what the her friend thinks happened yeah it's so weird to me when like a new partner of somebody like takes a friendship as competition you know right okay so we're gonna take a break and we'll be right back i'm jason alexander and i'm peter tilden and together on the really no really podcast our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor

we got the answer will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today.

How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know

when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really.

Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're right back with Catherine and Chelsea, and we are wrapping up our solo episode. If you have questions, if you have questions if you have concerns you can write into the show call into the show with your friends we love couples we love that dynamic or friends sisters that sort of thing and um if you want to come see me on tour chelseahandler.com

is where you get your tickets and i'm performing at a city near you in a city near you not in all the things way to way to end the podcast with a grammatical error my favorite on a city near you. In all the things. Way to end the podcast with a grammatical error. My favorite. On a city near you. On a city. We did so many things today. On a city near you. Bye-bye.

Bye. Okay, so upcoming shows that I have, you guys. August 17th is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You do not want to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to St. Louis and Kansas City. And then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My first three dates in Vegas are September 1st, Labor Day weekend, and then November 2nd and November 30th. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater

on November 8th. And I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December. So if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check chelseahandler.com for tickets. Okay. If you'd like advice from Chelsea,

shoot us an email at dearchelseseaPodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor,

what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional

relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. into one global business story that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Follow The Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen.

Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development. And on my podcast, Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way

with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen. Keep going. That's what my podcast post run high is all about. It's a chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories, their journeys and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together. Listen to post run high on the I heart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.