Dear Chelsea - Where Are We on Kidnapping? With Sean Hayes

Episode Date: November 25, 2021

Comedian and actor Sean Hayes (Smartless podcast, Will & Grace) joins Chelsea in the studio this week to talk about Sunday dinners at Maria Shrivers', their mutual mistrust of technology, and setting goals to go after your dreams.   A worker at an animal rescue wonders if her future will be as bright without a better-paying job.  A husband and wife can’t seem to break out of a cyclical argument.  And a Guncle is crushed when the mother of his godsons cuts him out of their lives.  *Executive Producer Nick StumpfProduced by Catherine LawEdited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert*****The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Catherine. It's me, Chelsea. Hi, Chelsea. It's me,

Catherine. Oh, hi. It's so nice to be in the LA studio again. Look at us here. I know. I know, and yet we're still zooming from other rooms today. I know, but doesn't it feel nice to have the nice fall weather? I came back and I'm like, finally! It's season!

It's season! A new season! I know. I put my heat on in my house. Yes! I just had my heater replaced in my bathroom in my apartment, and I like literally thanked it out loud today. I was like, thank you for existing.

It's just so warm and cozy. Oh, yeah. Nice and cozy. That's right. I got a coat. I got a new coat in New York. Oh, Joe bought me a new coat, a winter coat because we were there and we were not prepared. Joe goes shopping in every city we go to. He just he starts. It's like basically he starts out with nothing and then just acquires clothing while we're there. So every day is a shopping bonanza. I love that he loves to shop and you don't. I know. I'm like, we can't go to Prada.

I cannot go to Prada again. I just can't deal with it. He's like, come on. I mean, every couple has that issue, right? I know, right? Exactly. It's like totally the reverse. I love it.

It's like I'm the male and he's the female. But he's fine with that and so am I love it. It's like I'm the male and he's the female, but he's fine with that and so am I actually. It works. And you wind up with having the things you need and maybe some Prada. Yeah. Some extra things that I need. Yeah. While there are people starving in the world, we have as much shit as we need. Well, Chelsea, I have an update from one of our previous callers. Oh, I love those. This is from E. She is the gal that we talked to whose boyfriend was occasionally drinking and he would say nasty things to her. Oh, this is why I don't want to be with you. Yeah. So she says, oh, my gosh, I just heard my email response in the episode.

Thanks so much for the helpful advice. I wanted to update all of you and tell you that I gave him one more chance and he fucked up, so I broke up with him. And guess what? Yeah. Since then, my career has skyrocketed and so many other things in my life are coming together now. It's crazy what happens when you respect yourself enough to know when someone isn't giving you what you deserve. Chelsea, I bought tickets to your Vancouver tour and I am so excited to see you live. I love you and thank you again, E. Oh my God, how fucking awesome is that?

It's just delightful. I love people taking their power. You know what I mean? Like I love saying don't fucking settle. Do not settle for shit. We don't have to settle. When you settle, then you're not creating a higher standard for yourself.

And we always want the best of what we deserve. And we deserve the best. Every single one of us deserves the best. So good for you, E. I love it. And it sounds like she just like unblocked some energy, like something that was not so great in her life. And all of a sudden this flood of wonderful things came to her. Yeah, right.

Exactly. And we should never be caretakers in our lives. You know what I mean? Not for romantic partners, unless, you know, something terrible happens, then that's a different set of circumstances. But when somebody has a drinking problem that they can't control, that is not your fucking problem. Right. Exactly. And, you know, I mean, we talked a little bit about this on the episode, but it is a little bit of that in vino veritas. Like if somebody is saying something to you when they're in an altered state, that like it might be what they really feel, that they're really not into it.

And guess what? You don't have to be into them either. What is the phrase you used? In vitro fertilization? Oh, in vino veritas. In vino veritas, which is in wine there is truth or something to that effect. So sort of like how you say what you really mean when you're half in the bag. Okay, got it. And so she is doing great. I was excited to tell you about that.

Well, I love updates. Please, if you've called in before, please, we love to hear updates, especially positive ones. And even if they're not great, then I would like to hear that feedback too. Also, when you want to write into the show, it's DearChelseaProject at Gmail. So make sure you are writing into the show because we get all kinds of submissions. So don't think that your problem isn't worthy of being talked about or it's not appropriate. Like we'll find a way to talk about it based on who our guests are. And we kind of curate the shows for, you know, the topics for the guests we have on. So you never know when your topic will be relevant. Exactly.

So we have a really exciting guest today, Chelsea. Oh, yeah. He is. One of your buddies. Yes. He has a couple of podcasts, actually, currently going. Everybody knows him from Will & Grace. And he is on the smash success podcast called Smart List with Jason and Will Arnett.

Jason's last name is Arnett, too, because he and Will are married. And he also has his own podcast called Hypochondriactor. Hypochondriactor. Hypochondriactor. He'll tell us when he gets here. Hypochondriactor. Hypochondriactor, which I've been a guest on Smart List and I will be a guest on Hypochondriactor as well. So please give your attention to one of my funniest friends, Sean Hayes.

So mad. I saw your friend Deb Messing at my show at The Beacon. She came to my show at The Beacon. I love her. Yeah, she was cute. She's cute. Can we touch? Of course.

I want you to slide in here. Come as close as you want. Okay, there we are. I just want to be able to feel this little baby right there. Boop, boop, boop, boop. He's at attention today. Why are you so tired, honey? Okay, there we are. I just want to be able to feel this little baby right there. He's at attention today. Why are you so tired, honey? Your muscles feel nice.

Thanks. I got up at like, yeah, I got up at five today. I don't know. So did I. I drank too much this weekend, I think. Oh, me too. And I got up at five. Really?

I got up at five. Today? Yeah, this morning. I got up at five and I said to Joe Coy, he goes, are you getting up? And I go, yeah, I think I'm going to get up. And he goes, I'll get up with you. And I go, all right, I'm going to get on the Peloton. He's like, I'll get on the treadmill. Then we did that. I go, I'm going to my trainers at 745. And he goes, I'll do that with you too. And I go, this is fucking awesome. I go, you just do whatever I do. I love it. For two years. And then you're like,

guess what? Maybe we need to be codependent. I need to get a new boyfriend. I need to start dating. That's when I'll start dating women. Cause that's going to happen at some point. You mean it hasn't? Well, I mean, you know, just for a night or two, nothing serious. Are you enjoying your podcasts that you're doing? list you sound like you yeah yeah oh my god i laugh so hard it's so fucking funny so is this one oh yeah this is well newsflash you're funny hey how about how about 30 minutes we talk 30 minutes we nap and then we wrap it up yeah don't worry it's gonna be like that we go an hour and that's our limit. So don't worry about going over. You know what's so funny is podcasts that go for two hours.

Like Dax's. Yeah, I don't... Dax thought he was going to be here for two hours too. I had to cut him off. I was like, nobody. Nobody's that interesting. Nobody's going for that long.

By the way, for me to... And I was on it. For me to catch up... I'm not that interesting. For me to catch up with a podcast in my car, I have like a 20-minute attention span. We all do. I don't have time

to listen to a two-hour fucking interview. When people are like, did you listen to so-and-so on Stern? I'm like, or Mick Jagger was just on Stern. I tried, well, that was because he's also, you know, well, he's experiencing dementia or something because he couldn't get his thoughts in order. Oh, really? Is that true? Yeah, I think he's like 80. Yeah. But I

was like i cannot listen to this for two hours it's too fucking long yeah well and you know i don't have um rolling stones on my playlist okay so any you have abba mostly absolutely did you hear the new one uh god it's fantastic my friend today goes by the name of sean hayes just for today he is he is an actor extraordinaire. He is a flaming homosexual. Are we allowed to say that anymore? Sure.

I doubt it. I don't give a shit. But he's also, well, he's so talented. So fucking talented. Likewise. Remember, well, we've talked about this so many times, so maybe we don't need to revisit it, but remember how talented you were on the set of Will & Grace

and what a basket case I was on the set of Will & Grace. The only part I don't like about rehashing this with you is you pretending that I wasn't like that. No, no, I'm agreeing with you. You were a basket case. Okay, thank you. But what I'm saying is it's hard to come in any set that's been around that long

because you're coming into the quote-unquote house or the home of these people who have relationships already. So you're trying to figure out your place in a week. Yeah, but that's not what that's not what that was about. But I was going through something and that was a different. You through it? Yeah, I'm through. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm through it. If that was still going on, I'd probably be fucking dead. Wait, how are you? I'm great. Yeah. How many of these do you do a day? This is my second one today. But yeah, I usually do two, maybe three a day. Is that hard for you to keep it up?

Two is not hard. Three gets a little bit tricky. And then what do you do? Kind of check out? Well. In the middle of somebody talking? Yeah. No, I'm not like that usually.

I can pretty much focus. But yeah, that couldn't happen on the third hour. Yeah. I'm much better at focusing now than I used to be. Like when I did my talk show if somebody was fucking boring i would literally just be thinking about lunch really yeah like what did you how did you wasn't it scary to kind of like have your mind wander and then how would you get back because i and my mind wandering was better for the show than me listening to their

dribble it's so funny so you've had so many talk shows have i yeah and i think i've only had two oh i feel like you've had more i've had two but i they've i've done them both for chelsea lately chelsea and everything else was documentaries and then after late like other shows nothing talk show well you're so good at it why did you never want to do like a daytime or a nighttime i know chelsea lately was a nighttime thing and ch was streaming, but didn't you want to do something mainstreamy? No. I don't want to be told what to do by a bunch of old white guys. I'd like to tell them like this is how it's going to be and blah, blah, blah. And by the way, Sean, this is not an interview show where you interview me. This is an interview show where we talk about your sex life for the first 30 minutes. That's about, you don't need that long. I want to tell you, well, I know that.

He's not lying, everybody. His lover, partner, lifesaver, actually. Husband. Husband. Extraordinaire. Yeah. He lives for you. His name is Scotty, and he's exactly how you'd picture him.

Yeah. Adorable. Yeah. And Sean is about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle when it comes to domesticity. Oh, yeah, well, that's true. I mean, you are worse than I am because I've been over to their house. I learned it from you. Well, you didn't learn it from me because we just met as adults.

So I don't know where the fuck you learned it, but you come from a big family with a lot of kids where you had to fucking earn your keep in a different way. I don't understand why you can't do anything. I was the youngest of six. No, no, but see, I remember reading. I remember you telling me and also reading about you saying, I don't know how to turn the TV on. I don't know how any tech things work. I got this house thing. Like, I don't know if a door breaks.

I don't know how the fucking knob works. I got this house thing. Like, I don't know if a door breaks. I don't know how the fucking, you know, knob works. I'm exactly the same way. If I get a Google Doc, if I see something in an email and it says Google Doc, I shut my computer down because I'm so scared that I will get in. I will get in there and I will delete another person's work or something untoward will happen. And I just am like, fuck. If I get a Dropbox, I just give my phone to my assistant and I'm like what is this I know I can't do it but it's such an indicator of our age now that I want to fight against it you know how old were you when you got your internet like your

first like computer I was living in LA I think I was 19 first internet yeah I meant computer and like email address and all that well that by the, I have the same email address I did when I was 19 years old. AOL? Yep. No. Yeah, I still pay $6.95 a month. You and me are the last two people to have AOL accounts. We're so lazy. I know.

It's so lazy. First of all, I would love to cut off all the people that have that address. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like there's so much motivation to change my email. How have they not been hacked? It feels like that's the easiest one to hack. Well, what are they going to hack for me? I'm already, like, hacking myself.

I clearly buy, like, Dropboxes and Gmail. Well, yes, but there's nothing... Attachments. Nothing interested in attachments. Anytime I see an attachment, I just delete the email. It's like a contract, a super important contract. You're like, I never got it. How's it going?

How's life? These questions are amazing. It's going great. Yeah. Yeah. Sean is a fucking, a super important contract. You're like, I never got it. How's it going? How's life? These questions are amazing. It's going great. Yeah. Yeah. Sean is a fucking asshole, by the way. So just prepare yourself for that shit. No, no.

How's it going? It's going great. Busier than ever, you know. You figured it, you know, during the, oh my God, I almost said something horrible. During the Holocaust. We've lost them. It's over. It's over.

During the pandemic. During the pandemic. For some people, it was like a Holocaust. It was. That's why I probably thought of that. During the pandemic, you know, like everybody, we pivoted because that's a real popular word. Were you triggered? Were you triggered by the holocaust? Or by the pandemic? No, I wasn't triggered by the pandemic.

As you know, I do Smart List with Jason Bateman and Will Arnett. And we were literally just like, hey, let's do a podcast literally just to hang out. Because nobody could go anywhere. So we set it up on Zoom. And we just did it. Let's just do like five of these and be done. And here we are. Oh, my God. Really? Super fun. And then I do hypochondriac which you're gonna come on because i'm an actor who's hypochondriac as you know and um oh i can show this on the thing right so i got my now i got

a foot boot because he has a his toe hurts so he'sboot. Yeah, it's pretty dramatic and it falls right in line with being a hypochondriac actor. Hypochondriactor. Hypochondriactor. Hypochondriactor. Right, okay. I didn't realize you and Will and Jason were such good friends. Oh yeah, for a long, long, long time. Yeah, those guys are so fucking funny. Oh my god, they make me laugh so hard. Oh yeah. Yeah, so that's how I've been. That's what I've been doing. I'm also doing a play called Good Night, Oscar, where I play Oscar Levant, who is George Gershwin's best friend. And the story is very kind of Salieri-Mozart,

a very contentious, you know, love-hate relationship between Oscar and George's music. But the whole play takes place backstage of The Tonight Show when Jack Parr hosted. And Oscar Levant is very famous for talking about mental health publicly before anybody else did in the 50s. And it was super shocking to hear it back then. And he ended up in mental institutions and he was addicted to prescription drugs. He used to say things like, he was super, super, super witty and funny.

Anyway, so I'm doing that. Where can we see that play? That's at the Goodman Theater in Chicago. Ooh, that's your hometown. That's my hometown. We open there, and then I think we're going to Broadway after that. Oh, how exciting.

And Smartless is on the road because I was just in Boston performing at the Fillmore, and I saw that Smartless was at the Wang, I think. Right, you guys? I don't even, I mean, I have to, I didn't memorize the theater. Are you going, or did you go already? No, no, it's the first two weeks of February. Oh, how exciting is that? mean, I have to, I didn't memorize the theater. Are you going or did you go already? No, no. It's the first two weeks of February.

Oh, how exciting is that? Yes, I do that. And then I do the first two weeks on tour of Smart List in February. Then I go do the play for probably six months. And then I have this other big project that if it goes, I'll go right into that. Okay. And is that a transition? That is, yeah.

And so for the Smart List podcast, you guys are going to, what are you going to do? Bring guests on for the shows? Yeah. So we're going to do it just like the podcast, which I don't know if people know, the conceit of our show, of Smart List, it's called, is one of us brings on a guest that the other two don't know about. And it's a surprise to the other two. So they interview them without being prepared or anything. They just ask questions in real time, like we're doing right now. And so we'll do this tour just exactly the same. So, which is going to be really fun to try to keep it hidden. We're going to have like somebody backstage. And they're huge, big names. Oh, how fun is that? How cool. Yeah. I had a great time being on the podcast. Thank you for asking.

Thank you for coming on. You were so funny. Oh my God. That story about that car ride, the road trip with the guy in the hotel and- Oh yeah. The cocaine. God, that was so funny. Oh, my God, that story about that car ride, the road trip with the guy in the hotel. Oh, yeah, the cocaine. God, that was so funny. Yeah, that cocaine story was a good— Wait, I want to ask you something, though, because you seem to have, like, unbelievably boundless energy. You are always—and I'm not just saying this. It's really inspiring to me and I'm sure other people that want to do this,

but you just seem to be always on the road, always creating something, always writing a book, always just in it and creating and creating and creating. Why? Where do you get that from? Don't you ever get exhausted and want to quit? Like, what's the deal? I think that's a question for the end of the show when you're supposed to ask me a question. Okay, so this isn't the end.

No, no, you just got here. So a way to try and get the fuck out of here as soon as you sat down. This is just like hanging out with you in real life. I want to tell a story about bringing you to Chicago with me. That was so fun. That was so fun. But you were such a pain in the ass about it.

Because remember, I was doing my book tour for Life Will Be the Death of Me. And you and Scotty were coming. You were nice enough to say yes. You were going to interview me somewhere in Chicago. And really i said do i have to read the book you're like i'm not talking yes i said yeah you got to read the fucking book you asshole like i mean how hard is it to read a book but apparently in this town it is fucking hard but i read the whole thing and i was fascinated yes because then you realize we had so many commonalities and similarities in our upbringing and just like kind of mayhem and you come from a large family that's dysfunctional as well.

I mean, I don't know many families that aren't dysfunctional at this point. And then we had a couple of drinks before we went on stage. I had more than a couple of drinks. Yeah, which was the theme of that tour. Everyone who I brought on that tour needed to drink before they got on stage. So by the time we got on stage with half the people, like Leah Remini did my L.A. one, and she had fireball for the very first time in her life.

She had four shots of Fireball. What's Fireball? Exactly. I didn't know this until then either. And now I know it's a- Is that the thing you light or something? Well, you don't even have to light it because it feels like it's,

it tastes like it's lit already. Now I know it from skiing because my friend from skiing likes Fireball. So it's a great like warming drink. Like if you need to warm up and you're fucking cold. Like a hot toddy. Yeah, something like that. And they say it actually has like a little bit of antifreeze in it.

Like not real antifreeze, but it's banned in Europe. It's like hot cinnamon is very bad for you. Okay, well, I don't mind drinking a little bit of antifreeze. I mean, there are worse things that I've put in this body. It cures COVID, doesn't it? Yeah. Did you get COVID, by the way? No. Uh-oh. High five. Did you get COVID, by the way? No.

Uh-oh. High five. Did you? No, I didn't. Right? Right. But wait, we were talking about the tour, drinking, and we came out. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. I'm a bit discursive today because I'm so excited to see you. I'm so excited to be here. I haven't seen you in so long. I know. To be here and on you and in you. And inside of me. Yes.

It's such a dream come true. I remember the first, do you remember the first time we ever, ever, ever met? It was at a charity, right? Yes, it was backstage. Yeah. And you were sitting. I remember there were a lot of balls. Well.

Weren't there? It was, I think it was an Alzheimer's benefit. Okay. And you go, and this one goes, never met. And she's sitting in the, like you're sitting backstage up against the wall with your legs crossed, kind of slouched over with a drink in your hand, kind of like just a real judgy look. And I walk past, you go, hey, Jack, is Will here? And I was like, oh my God. That doesn't sound like me at all. Totally, that's what you said.

I think when I met you, you told me that you weren't out of the closet. I did? I think you did. I think you were joking. Oh, right. Oh, I was joking. And that made me laugh. Oh, okay, good.

You were like, I said something about you being gay, and you said, I'm not out of the closet, and I started laughing hysterically. I was like, whether you are or not, you are. Yeah. No, I was. Of course. I mean, I've been out since I'm 12 years old. Well, ever since.

18 years old. Yeah, ever since you started, well, expressing yourself, really. Chatting. How was, I would imagine that you enjoyed COVID with Scotty because you're antisocial. No, I'm not. I mean. Yeah, you are. No, not really.

I mean, are you? Sometimes. Yeah, no, I'm. No, I am antisocial because of COVID, quite frankly. Let me tell you something. I learned a lot from Maria Shriver, who's, you know, is such an incredible— We have to go over there, by the way. Sunday night dinner.

She's the greatest. No, we have to go hang out with her together. I'll make sure it happens. I swear. Okay. Let's do it together because she keeps asking me to come over with Joe Coy. Okay. And I'm like, oh, I'm never—

Yeah, let's do it. Let's put it in the calendar. Bye. Okay. No, but for real, she's like, you know, what a massive advocate she is for the Alzheimer's movement and educating people, especially women, about the risks and how women, they don't know why women are more susceptible to get Alzheimer's than men. Like, I think it's three to one or something like that. Don't quote me on that. But one of the things that she always talks about that's really stuck in my head because my mom passed away of Alzheimer's is, and I'm kind of a woman, is to force yourself to be and remain

social, right? So when you say, I'm kind of antisocial, don't go out. I, sure, of course, I'd rather sit home in my pajamas and watch a movie, but I also find the challenge of meeting new people really fun and getting to know them. And I think that's why I enjoy podcasting and interviewing and stuff like that, because I like people. I really do like people. I like learning about them and I remain curious, which I think is really, really important. But anyway, it's one of the biggest things to combat Alzheimer's is to force yourself to remain social, especially the older you get. That's good. That's good to know. Yeah, for sure. Because nobody wants to. So you have to it's like going to the gym for your brain.

Uh huh. Yeah. The mental gym. We like that have to, it's like going to the gym for your brain. Uh-huh, yeah, the mental gym. We like that. That's good advice. I'll remember that the next time I'm about to cancel a dinner. Yeah, for real. Well, right now, the thing is, I'm on tour, so I'm so fucking depleted and exhausted. Yes. So when I come home.

And then you're doing this. Like last night, I had dinner with my three girlfriends set. And then I was out with Joe, and we were having a snack. And I was like, I just don't think I can make this dinner. I just don't think I can go. And cause it's going to be all about me. Cause I had no one seen me in a long time.

And then that pressure, I don't like that pressure. Where it's like, Oh my God, how, tell me how about it. Tell me how it was. And then they want to see Joe and me together. Cause my friends are really excited. Right. I want to meet Joe. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I want you to meet Joe too. We'll do that at Maria's one night. Cause right now he looks a little photoshopped, but that's just— Yeah, well— So I don't know if I believe that he exists. I know. Well, when you see him in person, he'll look the same. He still looks photoshopped, so we've got that to go on. And I was very honest with my friends. I said, you guys, you know what? I'm just—I don't have the bandwidth. I'm really stretched too thin.

I'm really sorry because I—you know, I want to show up and see my friends, obviously, but when I have such—I have two days home of a turnaround. Right. And I squeeze everything into those two days, and I'm like, yeah. And then I'm like, I have to be refreshed when I perform. I have to be well rested. It's kind of like when, when God forbid, you know, something awful, like somebody is sick in your family or you have a sick friend or you have, or God forbid, somebody passes away that you love. It's, you're now at the age where I don't really tell people because then as much as they care and we're blessed that they care, it becomes a second and a third job to answer those texts and those emails and take care of them for trying to take care of you. Right. So and it sounds kind of ungrateful or but it's not. It's just you're exhausted and you're depleted.

Right. I'm dealing with whatever situation. Yeah. Like like all the updates I had to give of ungrateful or, but it's not, it's just, you're exhausted and you're depleted, right? From dealing with whatever situation. Yeah. Like, like all the updates I had to give my mom's friends, my friends, my family, everything. When I took care of my mom, I was like, well, plus I got to take care of my mom. So now I'm doing, and then I got to work. So it's just endless. So now if something like my, my, one of my brothers passed away from COVID in December,

last December. Oh no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't passed away from COVID in December, last December. Oh no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't really tell a lot of people, of course, but everybody knows by now, of course, it was almost a year ago and it was really sad, but yeah, that's the thing. So anyway, that's related. I'm relating that kind of stuff to overworking yourself. I hear you.

I hear you. I'm sorry to hear about your brother. That's terrible. Thanks, thanks, thanks. How did you guys find COVID together? I mean, you guys spent an inordinate. Well, we looked, we shopped, shopped all That's terrible. Thanks, thanks, thanks. How did you guys find COVID together? I mean, you guys spent an inordinate— Well, we looked. We shopped all day and night.

Online? Yeah, online. We finally found it. What did you find? COVID? You said, how did you find COVID? Oh, oh, oh. So stupid.

What a stupid, stupid response. I don't know if you know what this podcast is, but people basically call in for advice. Oh, let's do it. And they want real advice from us. Okay, so how did I find, like, what did I do? No, no, no, no, no. You don't have to answer that question. You already blew it.

You already blew it. And by the way, I think your brother passing away takes the cake on that subject matter. So let's not even. Oh, do you want to hear a crazy story? Sure. About that? Yeah. So my sister, so my brother passes away.

The memorial's like three months after that. And my sister did this great thing where I grew up in this house in the suburbs of Chicago and the address was 846. And so she made hats and t-shirts to give out to family and friends that said our address on it, which I thought was really touching. And so I have the hat on right now. And I was going around, like I'd go to the gas station and the grocery store, whatever errands I was doing, I would always have this hat on in memoriam of my brother. And people would kind of like give me a heads up and a nod and like, way to go. And I was like, I don't understand what's happening. And it happened all the time.

I was at the gym and people were like, way to go. And I was like, what is that? So I was watching a news conference about one of the many, many, many African-American kids shot by a police officer wrongly, all those kinds of things. And I'm watching this, one of those stories. And on the press conference, all these guys had a hat on that said 846. And I was like, what? And it's the amount of time that George Floyd was being held down, which is tragic. And then I was like, oh, and I put two and two together. So they were all kind of thinking it was one thing and it was another. But I was like, hey, it's got two great causes in one.

Yeah. Yeah. And then you didn't have to lift a finger or go to any marches. Nope. Just put a hat on. Yep. There you go. There you go. Problem solved. Problem solved. We can cut that whole story if you want. It's too boring. No, I like that story it's cute it's sweet okay yeah so we basically give advice

people call in and surprisingly they're pretty sincere and earnest yeah there's not a lot of fucking assholes so you have to dig deep

into your reservoir of knowledge I know you've been to therapy yeah I still am and yeah well you should be and

especially after this and we have especially after this abusive hour. And so you have to, you know, we want to give them sincere life advice and how to get to the next positive place. So I just want you to be prepared. I love it. You need to be as involved as possible.

Okay, I love it. And hopefully thematically we will be able to have matched some of your interests or lifestyle choices to our callers. Yeah, because it's a choice. Yeah, no. And Catherine, our lovely producer, will introduce us to each and every write-in. Some people will be live and we'll see them. Oh, for real? Yeah, and some people just write in.

Okay, great. This is super fun. You get to see their lovely faces. But before we go to some callers, should we take a quick break? Sure. Let's take a quick break. Excuse me, Sean callers, should we take a quick break? Sure. Let's take a quick break. Excuse me, Sean. We're going to take a quick break now.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer.

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So our first email comes from Michelle, and this is a little bit of relationship and marriage advice. Dear Chelsea, I'm hoping you can give some advice for my husband and I. We seem to have the same repeating argument. For context, we've been married for three years, have two young daughters, and we still really like each other. The problem is I will regularly load both girls into my car to take them to school or wherever, and my gas light is on. I instantly become furious and rage call him because I've run out of gas before in his car, luckily not with the girls, but I still held up traffic and had to sit on the side of the road looking like a dumb blonde. I know he innocently forgets, but it still makes me feel like he doesn't care about me or my time. He cannot understand why I'm upset and will just tell me it's not that big of a deal and I can just go

get gas, which, yes, obviously that's all true, but it's frustrating that it keeps happening. I've also tried to explain to him how it's ungentlemanly and dangerous for me to have no gas with the baby in the car. I hate arguing over stupid things, but I also hate that he doesn't take the effort to remedy the one recurring issue we have. What do we do? Michelle and George in Denver. Okay, Michelle and George in Denver. Do you want to go first?

Do you want me to go first? Go ahead. Take the lead. So I think that marriage and relationships about compromise. Scotty and I always say that you need to fall in respect with somebody not in love. Because if you fall in respect with somebody, the love will happen after. Because everyone's like, I want to be in love. No, you don't.

You want to be in respect. If you really want a relationship, you want to be in respect with the person. So that's the first thing. If you respect each other and you like each other, sit down and make a compromise. It's not that hard. Hey, if the thing is below this level of the gas, you know, whatever, go fill it up, you fucking idiot. And then so I'll be, and you know what, I'll do the same for you when I don't have the kids in the car. Exactly. This isn't a difficult, I mean, the fact that he is being difficult, this is as hard as it gets. If the fact that your husband is being resistant

to like understanding why it's A, ungentlemanly, that is ungentlemanly, but be unsafe for your children. You don't want to be in a position where you're ever going to run out of gas. I think a practical way of addressing the matter, as annoying as it may be, is offering to do the same for him. Yes. And you've got to come up with rules. You have got to come up with rules. So the rule is the second it goes below half, who's ever driving when it goes below half, fill it up.

And you can't be a dick about it and be like, well, wasn't I still above the half when I... Yeah. And it is about respect. And so you should drive that point home, you know, a little bit and say that it doesn't feel good that you're telling him that you need something, that you feel unsafe and that he doesn't have the time to deal with that or he can't see it. It's like just you saying that doesn't make you feel comfortable or that he doesn't have the time to deal with that or he can't see it. It's like just you saying that doesn't make you feel comfortable or safe should be enough. So I

could totally understand your frustration. And if there's something that you can do for him, that's a compromise other than the gas. Like, I mean, if the gas isn't an issue for him, then maybe he doesn't care if there's a full tank or not. But if there's something else you can do, you know, always offering up your part in it is a good way to compromise, to say, like, you're not the unreasonable one. I'm also willing to do this. But fall in respect to each other

is a really beautiful thing that you should take to that conversation as well. For sure, yeah. It's so annoying to have disagreements like that with your husband. I know. To have your husband be like, no, I don't see the problem

with coming home with an empty gas tank. Yeah, yeah. Like, why not? That's an issue. I mean, that wouldn't see the problem with coming home with an empty gas tank. Yeah, yeah. Like, why not? That's an issue. I mean, that wouldn't, Scotty and I would nip that in the bud. Yeah, but they already have children and they're married. How fucking annoying to have to be like, now I have to explain to you that you, I would prefer that you didn't cheat on me.

Like, what? Yeah, right. Yeah, because it's like that common sense. Yeah. And I love the idea of setting up rules. You're setting up systems for yourself. I think the one thing that stands out to me, too, is he can't understand why she's upset, but she's also rage calling him. So take a time, sit down when you're not upset about it and be like, you know what?

From a logical perspective, let's just do this. This is the new system. When it gets to a quarter tank or a half tank or whatever your rule is, then you always have gas in the tank. Yeah. It's not what you say. It's how you say it. You can't just be like,

can you fucking put, when I come, nobody's going to listen to that. I'm going to use the best example I have in my most recent situation with my relationship is I never have my ringer on on my phone. Never, ever, ever.

Cause I, I just would prefer not to get phone calls, you know, but you never have your ringer on. Never. Same. Oh yeah. Right. So I never get text alerts. I mean, I look at my phone frequently, so it's not, it's not an issue, but like I miss calls all the time and I like it that way. But my boyfriend really likes to FaceTime and likes to connect several times a day, which is not something that I'm used to, but it's something that I'm totally happy to do for him because I love him. And he's so sweet and that I'm, yeah, I'll do it. But when I, when I have it off and I miss it, like a FaceTime, he gets really annoyed. He's like,

did you not, what, what did you not see it? I'm like, well, I don't have my ringer on, so I didn't see it. Also, what if you're working? Yeah. Well, I mean, am I ever really working? I mean, I wouldn't, I have my ringer on right now because I'm just waiting for something to interrupt this. I only put it on when I am working so I can have interruption. But I, you know, now with him, I do put my ringer on because it's just easier for him. He wants my ringer on and it's not like a controlling thing. He just likes to be able to connect when he wants to connect. And I, and I'm like, yeah, no problem. It's no fucking problem. It's not my inclination. But of course, if it means something to someone else, just fucking do it.

Yeah, you have to meet them where they are. Yeah. Or meet them across the street and then go get a drink. And turn your ringer off. Yeah. I used to fucking hate FaceTime. I used to think it was like an assault. Really?

Well, yeah. If you got like a blind FaceTime without any warning, it would be like, what? Well, it depends who it's from. Well, yeah, but I'm also like half the time I'm in bed not feeling like I want to be seen by strangers. What if it's your friends? Well, if it's your friends, yeah. I mean, my friends. Like Will Arnett will always FaceTime.

I love that. Oh, you do? Yes. If I literally just woke up, I'll answer. I'll be like, hey, man, what's going on? He's like, busy day, whatever. Yeah. Okay.

We solved that. My mom will spring a FaceTime on me, and then she'll turn the phone to whoever she's with and be like, say hi to Karen. Oh, that's so annoying. Like, you're aunties. You know what? Yeah, that happens all the time. Joe will be like, look how beautiful my girlfriend is to a group of people.

And then I have to look at these people and say, you are beautiful. Yeah. I'm like, oh, God, Joe. That's so painful. So our next caller is Josh, and he is here with us. He says, dear Chelsea, I'm afraid a very close friendship of 28 years may have ended. I'm 46 and met my friend when we were seniors in high school. I'm godfather to her three boys, ages 14, 13, and 9.

I'm their gunkle, gay uncle, LOL, held each of her boys in my arms when they were babies and have babysat them countless times. I love them dearly. They're the closest I will ever come to having kids of my own. About five months ago, my friend cut off communication with me. She felt two other friends of mine and I were judging her parenting. She felt betrayed because we raised reasonable concerns about very stressful home life dynamics. I understand the friendship may never recover, but I'm heartbroken that I'm forbidden to contact my god sons. I understand the friendship may never recover, but I'm heartbroken that I'm forbidden to contact my godsons. I feel like this is what divorce feels like,

and my partner has run off with the kids. Thanks. That's Josh. Hi, Josh. Hi, Josh. Hi, Sean. Hi, Chelsea. Hi, how are you? Are you at a standing desk? I'm at a standing desk, yes. Yeah. I like it. I do too. I would say, can we dive right in? Yeah, dive right in. I'll ask questions. I think, I totally know what you mean. I have got kids too, and their parents were very, very, we're like family. And I'm always careful to say things like, I know I'm not the parent, but have you thought about, or, you know, and give them that respect of knowing, you know, there's a line and stop me if I'm going to cross it,

always giving them the control of that they deserve because they're the parents. And after that disclaimer, then diving in with whatever my thoughts are so that they, so it disarms them almost. I think though that that's already happened, right? It's already too late. Yeah, we have, I feel like it's myself and two other very close friends. We've been friends

for decades. I think we have really walked the line really well with her in telling her about our concerns. And, you know, it's more of like when she tells us that we're you know, you're not parents, you don't understand. It's like kind of sticking the knife and twisting it. Like it feels more like that. But Sean, I agree with what you said. That's a really good point. And I would say like, maybe there's a way to say what I just said, or your own version, if you believe in what I just said. I always start, if somebody's, if I'm feeling somebody's not. Receiving. Yes. I always say, are you open to talking about this issue right now? Oh, yeah, that's good. Or are you open to hearing something from me right now? Because if they say no, great, let me know when you are. Because then, again, giving them the control to let you then say

how you feel, that way it's not your... There's no fault to be had. So, yeah, that's true. That's great advice. But so what happened? Like, did you collectively tell her? Because people don't like that either. Right, right. So we're all kind of in a very close-knit group of friends. And there's three of us in this group. And we each went to her with our concern. I had a friend who reached out to her via email saying, you know, I have to set some boundaries. Here's what I'm seeing. I can't be witness to this behavior. There's a lot of yelling, there's throwing of objects. And then another friend of mine, who's a single mom coming from her perspective of, you know, that she had been through that she had had people come to her and say, look, this is getting out of control. So she had came in from a standpoint of, I, I, I've been

in your position to my friend. And my other friend, who's the godmother, she works with Family Dynamics. She does this for a living. And so she knows a lot about kids and Family Dynamics. And I was the one who actually just told her in person. I said, hey, these are concerns that we are very, we love you. This is coming from a place of love. And she just shut down.

I mean, it was just a complete shutdown. How long ago did this happen? So this happened in February of this year. Wow. And it's been kind of rocky since then or just silent since it's been pretty much silent. I have had a little bit of communication of the three of us. I've had probably the most communication, which is not much at all. But I was able to talk with two of the boys and I, and they both said, Josh, I miss you. I miss you. It just, it brought me to tears. And I just like, it's like, how do I, you know, like these kids, I want to see, see her kids and they want to see me. So I feel like the kids are

really, they're not, they're being punished and they shouldn't be. Right. Was there, is there any kind of way to say, to ask her if she'll take your call as long as the ringers turned on that? Is that necessary? Is there any way? I'm sorry that we're bringing our personal stuff into this call. Anytime. Is there any way to say to her to ask her the question again to give her control to say, is there any way to rectify the situation? Is there anything I can do or say, would you want to meet? Would you be open to meeting to maybe discussing it? And I can hear how I can do better and learn from you. And then hopefully you'll be open to that, you know, because who could, who could deny that?

Right. I think that's a really good point. I think, and one of the things we haven't explored a lot of is saying, well, can we, can we talk about this in person? I mean, this is, you know, we're talking decades of friendship and, you know, lots of experiences and, and knowing these three boys since they were babies. And it's like, we can't let something like this just go and maybe, you know, email and this sort of it's juvenile behavior. And but but again, aside from that, like maybe we just need can we sit down and can we talk? Yeah. And I think maybe not as a group. You know what I mean? Because she obviously feels ganged up on and got and shut down because of that reason. So I think like instead of doing it as a group thing or it's a different group thing than you and I, Josh, are used to.

Yeah. Got it, Sean. I'm picking up what you're putting down. Got it. But like, you know, really talking about, you know, the kids, like I miss the kids, you know, and making that it like, why do we have to punish the kids? I understand that your feelings got hurt and you're right. I'm not a parent. Obviously, that approach didn't work with her, you know, and this is important to me and there's no, how old are the kids now? The kids are 43, 49, 9, 14 and 15. Yeah. And is she married? Yes. So how has your communication been with her? Like what is the short, small, like what have you communicated with her since? So she had sent us three of us an email saying, look, I don't want you to reach out. I don't need your advice. I don't want your advice. And I actually, about a month later said, Hey,

can we talk? And we did talk on the phone. It didn't go that well in the sense that I didn't feel like there was any movement forward. And then she actually reached out and wanted to meet with another friend of mine, two other friends separate from the group, but she ignored me the whole time. And I tried, I really tried to make conversation to ask her how, how things were going and it just didn't go anywhere. Yeah. It sounds like she's pretty emotionally shut down. Yes. And she's probably having a really, really challenging time raising three boys, it sounds like, because she doesn't know how to handle it. Right. And doesn't want any advice, which means she knows she's doing something wrong or she feels like she's doing something wrong. Right. I think that's accurate. There's nothing you're going to be able to do to help her parenting. You can only influence those children by your own actions and your own relationships with them. So your main goal here just has to be to revitalize that relationship, not try to, you know, get her to admit that she's got any problems with her parenting.

That's futile. You know, she's not going to realize that through anything from you saying anything to her obviously she's going to have to come to grips with that at some other point in her life if at all so the only way to to to try i think you should move forward in trying to salvage your relationship yeah file trying trying to file for for sole custody. Like the worst advice you could ever give. I hadn't thought about that. Well, that's why you called in. Hello.

You're welcome. Problem solved. Problem solved. That's why we're here. And we are here every day between 11 and 1. 11. Actually, we're here every day between 11 and 11.15. We only work in 15-minute increments.

So you've got to call in. It works if you work it. And you are. No, I think that maybe you've got to try a different approach, right? Like that didn't work. So now you have to try a different approach. And if enough time has elapsed, which it does sound like it since it was February, that's several months for you to just write her a heartfelt email or call her and just go, listen, I am really, really missing you. And I'm really missing the boys. Yeah. You know, I'm missing you. Let's just forget about that conversation.

Do you think she wants to reconcile as well? I think so. I think deep down she really does. Yeah. I've seen it in sort of some of the actions, but hasn't gotten to the point where we've really been able to move on. But Chelsea, I think that could work in terms of, of doing it in that way.

Yeah. Like she just is somebody that's not going to admit that there's an issue, right? It sounds like she's stuck. So that what you have to do is pretend that you were wrong to even bring it up and say, I'm sorry that I even brought that up. I overstepped.

I can understand how you'd be so upset with me, but the truth of the matter is I miss you. I miss the boys. And just remember, you're saying this to make sure that you have that connective tissue to still explore your relationship with the boys. Don't say explore. That sounds strange, but I mean, you know what I'm saying? Like to continue to sustain it and, and, and make her believe, you know, and it is about her too, because you have had decades, a decades long friendship that is important to you, as you've already stated. So, yeah, I think you just have to be like a bigger person and just pretend you fucked up and put it all on yourself. For sure. And don't make it about you and your other friends.

This is just about you. You're going to go clean up your side of the street to reclaim this relationship and they can do whatever they want. That makes sense. That makes sense. And what's her husband? What's his situation? Is he like, are you friends with him? Yeah, yeah, I am friends with him. And we've all known each other about the same amount of time.

She married him after college. We had graduated. Very nice guy. A good dad. We just don't know what's going on. So I haven't really taken that angle to reach out to him. But don't, don't do that because here's the thing. You're already like, she has a problem with you

guys having spoken behind her back. That's going to be the, you know, the crux of her issue is that you guys are talking about how bad of a parent she is together as a group. That's what she's got in her mind because she's heard it from three of you. So you've got to divorce yourself from talking about her behind her back to anyone anymore. You know, that's just going from three of you. So you've got to divorce yourself from talking about her behind her back to anyone anymore. You know, that's just going to make it worse. So just, you know, redirect now and just, you have a whole new approach

and just make it about your friendship. You love her, you miss her, and it's not your job to tell her how to parent anymore, you know, and for the sake of your relationship with the children and for your relationship with her. And I guarantee you, she's going to be able to hear that, what you said before a lot more clearly once you guys have stabilized your own relationship, you know, and she's reminded of the goodness that you bring. And, you know, you just have to leave your judgment at the door. It's not, they're not your children. Right. Right. That makes sense.

To think of all of the, what we've all been through and the great times we've had to let something like this derail it. Yeah. Right. I think even if you, you know, if you've had so much history, find a great picture, find something, you know, and just send that to her and say, this popped up in my memories today. And it just made me remember like,

oh my God, I can't believe that we haven't spent this time together. I miss your boys so much. I'm so sorry I overstepped. Like, can we just forget about that? Where's everybody on kidnapping? I mean, are you open to a kidnapping, Josh? No, I've thought about it. And I would like to hear more about this potential situation. We have a call. We have a number. We have a kidnapping hotline that you can call and we can arrange for three children to be kidnapped. That's terrible.

I know. I knew Sean was going to be terrible at giving advice and that's why I invited him here today. But Josh, I think you got some good advice. But will you please follow up with us and let us know how she reacted? Yeah. Absolutely. I would love to. You're a good you're a good guy to care that much and to love that much.

That's really, really great. I appreciate you saying that. And this has helped a lot because I had thought about some of what you brought up before. And it's nice to get new perspective. And yes, I would love to follow up and let you know how. And I would also, you know, just moving forward in success that this relationship does get back, like, get out of the habit of commiserating with your other friends about her parenting style. Just that kind of breeds a whole bunch of other negativity. It's a situation you have very little control over.

All you can control is your interactions with her and your interactions with her children. And, you know, lead by that example. Well, yeah, I'm ready to try it and see what happens. Yeah, I would love to know what happens. Yeah. So interesting. I'll give you Sean's personal phone number. I'm actually going to announce it at the end of this podcast.

So you can feel free to text him at any time or FaceTime him. Actually, he just he loves to answer FaceTime. I love it. Sean, that'd be great. That'd be so helpful. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Then we'll'd be great. That'd be so helpful. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Then we'll develop a relationship.

Absolutely. Thank you, Josh. Thank you, Josh. Chelsea, thank you. Thank you so much, Sean. And Catherine, thank you. Okay. Take care.

See you. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. God, Sean. What's the matter? So, suing for sole custody. Yeah.

And then a kidnapping as your backup plan. I'm just trying to come up with ideas to help them. Well, I God, Sean. What's the matter? First, suing for sole custody. Yeah. And then a kidnapping as your backup plan. I'm just trying to come up with ideas to help them. Well, I mean, listen. Listen, we're spitballing. Isn't that what this show is about? Yeah, we're spitballing. We've got to come up with all angles. The more ideas, the merrier.

The season is upon us. Merriment. The season of merriment is upon us. And giving and taking. Yes, and receiving. Yeah. Topping and bottoming. Yeah.

It's the most wonderful time of the year. He has a good voice. Can you hear him? It's delightful. Can you hear his melody? Yeah, he can really

carry a tune. That was vibrato. That was a little vibrato. Can you do it? No, I can't sing at all. Are you a tenor? Baritone? I'm a little right in. Can you do it? No, I can't sing at all. Are you a tenor? Baritone? I'm a little right in between, yeah.

Love it. Colonna! Kidding. Yeah. Yeah, we know. Please don't be. Please continue. Yeah, I just hope for Jess that she hears this and hears how much he cares about her.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I know what it's like to have... I don't know what it's like because I that's what I was thinking. I know what it's like to have, I don't know what it's like because I'm not a parent, but I can imagine what it's like to have somebody, you know, when you are a parent to children, that's your best number one job of the whole world, right? And for somebody, anybody, anybody, family, friends, whatever,

to come in and kind of, how it's received is probably tell you how to parent but they're probably just making suggestions yeah here they're dictating how you should maybe parent is a very it's like that's the line you know that's because number one job is parent to my you don't know what's right for best friend and a lot of times people had a better approach about the advice they want to give to you as a parent is the softer the... Yeah. I was saying, are you open to... Yeah. Within all of your horrible advice, there's always one kernel. There's one gem. You just have to dig for it.

Nugget. Asking someone, are you open to hearing this is a great opener. Yeah. Yeah. Well, our next caller is Alex, and he is calling from the UK. Oh. Oh, long distance. Wow. Fancy. Who can afford that? Yes.

Alex says, Dear Chelsea, I'm currently in a copywriting job that's closer to my dream job than anything else I've done before, and I'm happy in a relationship with my boyfriend of two years, but for the past couple of months, I've been feeling pretty unsatisfied with life and had no motivation to do anything at all. It's led me to struggling to do work whilst in the office and having to do it at home in the evenings to catch up. I'm constantly distracting myself from doing anything productive

because I can't focus at all. It's so annoying. It kind of feels like I'm writing a to-do list every day and then turning it upside down and doing the least important things first. I'm hoping you'll have some advice that can help me focus on what's important in order to be able to enjoy my free time. Alex. Hi, Alex. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? Oh, I'm good. This is Sean. Hi, Sean. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. Such a pleasure. I love your glasses. Oh, thank you very much. I thought I'd make the effort. Sean has never met an English person before, so he's very excited.

I'm reading the subtitles as you talk. So wait, so the main issue is prioritizing your kind of life, right? So you have more free time for yourself. And you're not and what you're feeling overworked or not so much overworked. I'm just I've always been a procrastinator. But over the last few months, it's got a lot, a lot worse. Yeah. And it kind of just feels like, like I said, I've got a list of all the stuff I need to do. And I'm kind of scared about doing the most important stuff. So I do the basic things instead. And so what about that scares you? What about the things, what goes in your mind that makes you scared? I guess it's not knowing what I'm doing. And I guess I'm like scared of

failure or something like that. And this is a new feeling? Yeah. So it's happened a couple of times before, but it's a lot stronger at the moment. I've done jobs before that I've not really cared about. And I've always wanted to get into writing. And now I'm in it. I feel like I just need to try and put my best foot forward all the time. So yeah, I don't know. I just feel a bit frozen sometimes when I'm trying to do work. Yeah. I used to, I know how you feel because you do, you feel stuck, right? A little bit. And uninspired. And uninspired. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's the hardest thing to, it's not the hardest thing, but it's difficult to come out of it. But I used to, when I was younger, and I'm just going to have diarrhea in the mouth until one of you interrupts me. When I was younger, I used to write goal lists, which is the same thing

as to-do lists. And I would random, complete stream of conscious, randomly write stuff down. So it could have to do with anything with money, relationships, connections, a diet, exercise, anything. I would just, number one, I got to eat better. Two, really focus on my sleep because sleep is everything. Three, call my mom more often. Four, save, you know, $100,000 one day. Whatever it is, right? And I would just write them down.

And I put them away. I don't know if you do that or not. But let me tell you something. I'm a massive, massive advocate for doing that. Because I'm telling you right now, Alex, they fucking come true. I swear to God. I swear to God. If you start and everybody is like, well, I don't want to do that.

Why? It takes five minutes to just sit with yourself and just write down everything you've ever wanted to focus on and do. It could be a short term goal, a long term goal, lifetime goals. I and then I had on my lifetime goals. I had be on David Letterman. Oh, my gosh. Have a billboard on Sunset Boulevard, host Saturday Night Live. All this stuff. And they all fucking came true because I wrote them down and I would recirculate them every six months. And I would open the drawer and I'd go, oh my gosh. And I would cross off the ones that did happen. And whatever didn't happen, I would just carry over the next six months. And what this does, it is subconsciously makes you do one thing, one thing towards those goals, whether it's one phone call, one email, one text. So let's say one of your goals is I want to, one of your longtime

goals is I want to publish a book, right? I don't know if that's what it is or is it script or I don't know. So that stays on there until you do it. Until you do it, always write that down because you'll write it down going, gosh, I should write at least just one page. Maybe I'll just write one page. And that's it. Don't put any more pressure on yourself. Just write one or even one paragraph. Yeah.

And put it away. I think a lot about procrastination is a lot of it is about feels overwhelming, right? Some of these larger tasks that you're talking about, are they things that are doable within that day or are they broader dreams like career dreams? The stuff I'm really stuck on at the moment is specific things that could be done in that day. But I do also have sort of wider goals. So, right. I think part of the issue could be as well that the job I'm in right now isn't the exact thing that I want to do forever. I've got a lot of steps forward that I want to take. Because as soon as you start accomplishing even the tiniest goals, it builds your confidence to then accomplish the next thing. And I know that step is that first step is really, really hard. So nobody can make

you do it other than you. But you just it's all about baby steps. And also that first step is something that makes every other step much easier. You're looking at that first step as like every step is going to be that big leap and it's not. Because once you take the initiative for the things that matter to you and are important in your life, it doesn't matter if your job isn't the perfect job for you right now. If you have a list of things to do, don't tackle the small meaningless things first. Take a big thing every morning as a way to change your behavior. You know what I mean? You're going to change your life. You have a huge opportunity right here to change the trajectory of your life instead of just sitting in a standstill and being like, I don't know. I don't feel inspired. I don't love this. I don't love that. You know, you have the power to change what you're going to do. And you can do this by just taking more of an initiative and just reorganizing your day and starting out with the bigger tasks. Because that same chip in your head that makes

you eat when you're hungry is the same chip you need to activate for whatever it is you want. Because when you're hungry, like when you're gone all day and you're fucking starving, you will do anything to get food inside of your stomach, right? And that same thing has to be whatever is small or big. You have to activate whatever that is in the same way, I think. Yes, I agree with you. And I think you're in charge again of your activation, right? I can see it in your face. You're uninspired.

You're bored. You're in a state of ennui. You can change that. You have the power to change that. So that's exciting. Like you can set, okay, tomorrow, this is what I'm going to do. You can get off this call and write a list, what Sean just said, write a list of the things of your broad goals.

And you can write a list of your shorter goals, of the things that are like the practical things that you actually have to get done for your workload. You're going to start to feel better about yourself immediately. You're going to start to feel more inspired. It does work. It does. Absolutely. Catherine, we've talked more inspired. It does work. It does. Absolutely. Catherine, we've talked about this a lot on the podcast. Yeah, absolutely. And I think, too, as a person who is also prone to procrastination,

specifically due to having some ADHD and some other stuff like that, one of the most freeing pieces of advice that I ever got was to, again, those lists are so important. Even if there's three things you know you need to get done that day, you know, doing those things. But what I would do is I would spend the whole day beating myself up about how I wasn't getting the big thing done and it was hanging over my head and, you know, just ruining my day. And the best piece of advice I got was, you're not going to do it until the last minute. And you're also going to do your best work at the last minute. And so for some people's brains, like we need that pressure to sort of get us to take the take the movement and actually do

it. So you know what, if you find that you want to be working on your writing or whatever in the morning so that you can give yourself that pressure, even though it may mean that you need to do some work in the evening. Maybe restructuring your day, depending on your job, is something that you can do so that you still are having downtime. You still are having creative time. And maybe that creative time is first thing in the morning for you. Or maybe it's going to brunch with your boyfriend or whatever it is. How's your sleep, Alex? It's not ideal. It could be worse for sure. Over the last week or so, I've really made a conscious effort to, if I'm not feeling inspired, just putting a laptop down and thinking I need to go to bed now because otherwise it will just roll over to tomorrow.

But I do have a bad habit of sort of feeling like I need to do a task in that day and then not letting let myself go to bed until I've done it. And then obviously if that drags on, I think the day I sent that submission in, I'd been up until 4 a.m. and then I had to get up at like 8 a.m. and it was so stupid because it ruined the next day. And you're way past the point of diminishing returns at that point. Like you're not, your brain's not there. You're exhausted. I think also for you, if you're way past the point of diminishing returns at that point. Like you're not, your brain's not there. You're exhausted. Yeah. I think also for you, if you're saying you have a lack of focus, the thing that helps me the most focus, focus the most is meditation. So that has helped me focus and stay like in a conversation, paying attention for long extended periods of time. So I think it can only enhance you to like,

you're just going to create a couple of new habits immediately and start download Headspace, download that meditation app, Calm, Headspace, find a voice that doesn't annoy you basically. And by the way, over here, they're all British and they're fantastic. Over here, Headspace is British. So you might like that guy or you might like the American woman from Calm. But one of those, and just commit to five minutes in the morning because that just is saying to you, like, hey, this is my effort to get myself on track every single morning, to get myself focused, to give myself this amount of time. Who cares if you're doing it right or not? It's not about that.

It's about setting yourself up for success for that day. And there's nothing that has helped my focus more than meditation. So you are going to get returns on that. You just have to be consistent with some new patterns of behavior. And I guarantee you, you'll turn around soon. I agree. And that's what this phone call I think is all about is this, so cheese is the first day of the rest of your life, right? But it's the first day of the rest of your new behavior. Because when I said, how are you sleeping? And you said four in the morning, that's not good sleeping. So yes,

what Chelsea said, but I promise, Alex, listen to me loud and clear. I promise you, I promise you, if you start writing this stuff down, it will all come true. And one of them should be sleep better. I need better sleep hygiene, right? Sleep hygiene, right? Which means you go to bed at the same time every night. I know it's hard. I know it's hard. Well, for you, sleep hygiene, I think, means a couple of things. Yeah, yeah. She's saying I need to take a shower before I go to sleep.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's great advice. I'll take both bits of advice on board. I've thought about meditation for a long time and I've tried Headspace a couple of times. You've been procrastinating about meditation as well. Yeah, absolutely. That was like number 20 on my list.

You've been meditating on whether you should meditate. Yeah, absolutely. But yeah, no, I will put that right to the top of the list and I'll make a list as well. And don't use your job as an excuse like to not get things done. You just give yourself periods of time where you're going to be creative

and sometimes it'll happen and sometimes it won't. But if you get into these new habits, everything's going to flow more easily for you. Like things are going to be easier. It's not going to be such a, like you're thinking, you know, it feels like a mountaintop at this moment. But as soon as you start taking these little steps,

it's not going to be a mountaintop. It's just going to be like a treadmill and you're going to like it. Cool. Sounds good. All right, Alex. Thanks for calling in. Thanks, Alex. Thank you so much.

Take care. Bye. Bye. Good luck in England. Alex is a huge fan of mine. I thought that he seemed to really be taken by you. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know why you would react that way.

That's so typical of you to make this all about you. Bottomless pit. That's so typical of you to make this all about you. Bottomless pit. Bottomless pit of need. That's so typical of you to make this all about you when we have somebody in need. Across the pond. It's called fucking Chelsea, whatever the fuck this podcast is called. Chelsea later? Dear Chelsea. It's called Dear Chelsea. Dear Chelsea. Oh my god, the AIDS.

What happened? Oh my god. When did you get that? Did you wound her? I scratched, it was just the top of his penis hit me in the elbow and now I'm bleeding. You're not the first. Who put a razor blade on the top of your penis? I scratched. It was the top of his penis hit me in the elbow, and now I'm bleeding. You're not the first. Who put a razor blade on the top of your penis? No, where did you hit it? I just scratched.

No, I had like a bite, and I scratched it too hard. Oh. Oh, God. I lost so much blood. I can barely see straight. This will roll over right in nicely to a hypochondriac-ter. For you, it will. Let me just type that in.

75 years old. I had once had this showrunner that walked into the office and she had gotten, you know, her blood work done that morning and she walked in into the writer's room and just was like this,

walked by, like, with that little cotton ball, like she had been, you know, to Vietnam. We were all just like, okay, we get it. You went to the fucking doctor. You fucking idiot. She's like about to Vietnam. We were all just like, okay, we get it. You went to the fucking doctor. You fucking idiot.

She's like about to faint. Yeah. Look at this. Oh, God. Shingle shot. I'm always. Oh, that's right. Sarah Silverman just told me that you have to get a shingles inoculation when you're 50.

I had no idea. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to get shingles. No, I don't. I think I've had shingles. You don't want to get shingles. No, I don't. I think I've had shingles. You don't get a double. You get a shingle. Oh, okay.

But ironically, you need a double of the shingle. Oh, you do? Yeah, you get one now, and then you get one like in two to six months. Oh, okay. One shingle double shot? Yeah, you don't want to get shingles. I don't remember being invited to a 50th birthday party for you. Because of the pandemic.

Oh, are you going to have one? I think you should have one. I don't know. It's kind of past now. No, I don't want to get shamed. I don't remember being invited to a 50th birthday party for you. Because of the pandemic. Oh, are you going to have one? I think you should have one. I don't know. It's kind of past now. No, I don't think so. I got Scotty this massive trip for his 50th birthday, and we couldn't go. Come to a safari. We're going on safari in August.

Here's the last place I would ever go in my life. Africa? No, a safari and get some disease. Oh, no, you get inoculated. You get all your shots before you go, so you don't have to worry about it. And then you just take doxycycline every day, which I always have. I'd rather turn on National Geographic. Okay.

Anyway. We are going to take a quick break, so you can hear an ad, and then we'll be right back. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer.

Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today.

How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening?

Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the

iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do we have anything else today, Catherine? Or are we wrapping things up now? We do. Oh. We have one more little email. If you're up for it. Yes, for sure.

I'm exhausted giving all this advice. You're giving good advice. I like how you're jumping in. That's good. It's very proactive. And this one actually comes with a cute picture. So, Chelsea, I know you've got one in there. This is from Jenna.

Dear Chelsea, I feel as if I one in there. This is from Jenna. Dear Chelsea, I feel as if I'm at a crossroads with my career. I'm currently director at a nonprofit animal rescue in Jackson, Wyoming. I'm 29 and have worked in this field for almost five years now. I always thought I would only consider working in the nonprofit sector, especially in the philanthropic community I live in, but I've come to the realization that it will be hard to set myself up financially and pursue the passion behind it. I love my job, but I fear I have reached the ceiling in this job and I don't want to pigeonhole myself in the nonprofit world. I've been looking at other options so I can be comfortable. Do I continue working with my heart on my sleeve and trust that I'll be okay or do I jump ship and start over in a different field that will have more financial security?

XOXO to you, your team, and Bert and Bernice, Jenna, and her dogs Gunther and Pepper also say hi. Wow. I mean, we both love doggies. Yeah, I know, but it seems like Jenna has already kind of, it seems like

she's already pivoting. Get it? Do you know what I mean? Like she's already in her mind making this decision and wants confirmation to do it. And I would say at 29 years old, that is a great time to make a new decision and change careers. You mean just because she's asking means she's already kind of decided. Yeah. For sure.

You know? Yeah. Like the writing's on the wall. So I think she just, you want, you're thinking about your future. That's smart. You're 29 years old. You have all the time in the world to change careers and try a couple different things, even if one But can you just go on like a Saturday, like the first Saturday of every month and go volunteer or something just to fulfill that need? There's a balance, right? We always try to find balance in our lives. So just because you want something else doesn't mean you have to be done with that.

And I love these two pictures of the dogs that you sent of Gunther and Pepper. They are so adorable. Yeah, I love them. I want to get another dog. I know, me too. How are they? Well, they think that my housekeeper is their birth mother and that I'm some slut that comes through the house every three weeks. So I'm fucking over them, but they have been cuter, but they're older. And I think

Joe and I are going to get a rescue dog together. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to get another chow. Uh, I love chow mixes. So yeah, I really love chows. I'd like to get a full-blown chow, but those are hard to get. You can't, you know, buy a dog when you're a celebrity because PETA will burn your house down. Yeah. And I've had enough. A full-blown chow sounds like a sex act. Well, it will be once I get a hold of it.

That's so dumb. And on that note, I want to thank my friend Sean Hayes for being with me on my podcast today. Thank you for having me. Always a fucking delightful pleasure

to see you. Always. I love you. I love you. Before we go, Sean, I think you had a piece of advice that you wanted

to ask Chelsea. Oh, yeah. Oh, the one you tried to blow earlier this week? I wrote down like six. Oh, okay. Why don't you pick one? I'll pick one.

So, like I was saying at the beginning, you travel so much on tour and you're always, always, always, always going. And whenever I travel, I always eat like shit because I'm not home. It's the worst. I'm not home where I know where to get the good food. I know how to make myself bread. I know where the pot. You know, so you're in your zone, right?

But the second I get on a plane and go somewhere, I'm just like, ah, fuck it. I'll just have a burger or whatever. So how do you maintain healthy eating when you're traveling? Oh, it's so hard. I'm so with you. It's so hard. Yeah, it's really hard and I'm not great at it. I do lean on a nutritionist because nutritionists are used to dealing with people when they're

on the road. So like I have all these pre-packaged like Epic spars, which are really lean. And, and I have my housekeeper, she packs me all these like little snack packs so that I usually try to have only one off meal because it does like lead to a terrible, like once you go off, then you go off again and then you go off again and then you have sour cream and onion potato chips. And then you're like, I need a Snickers bar and then I need a diet Coke. And it's a fucking vicious cycle. So it's really good to get into the habit of prepackaged food that is healthy. You can get grass-fed or organic. But that's not going to last the five months you're on tour.

No, it is. Because you come home. I come home every week. And then I recap it. Oh, okay. You come back and forth. So I always have it on me. I have a little snack pack that has an Epix bar, which is like these grass-fed, really

lean meat protein bar. And then my protein bars, the chocolate bars that i like and then i have like dried fruit and all the stuff that's boring but i also have these kiani which is great like collagen protein packs so that if i'm really hungry and there's not healthy food and i can't get egg whites or a chicken caesar salad or something that's or salmon i'll have like these little you know what are they called it's like those little packets that you kind of suck. Heroin? No, it's not heroin.

It's like little, you just suck them. Like a gel pack thing? Yeah, like a gel pack. Yeah. And it's just filled with protein? Yeah, it's filled with like little things, like five grams of collagen protein to tide me over until I can get something healthy because you are going through cities where it is, it's almost impossible to get decent food.

I just found out the title of your next show. Hot Parenting Tips. Healthy Chelsea. Healthy Chelsea. Well, that sounds really fucking boring. Well. But yeah, but listen, I eat like shit too. But you know, the one thing I do every single day, no matter what, is work out.

Oh, that's so good. Well, that's good. Because that keeps your energy high. It's hard to find. Yeah is work out. Oh, that's so good. Well, that's good. Because that keeps your energy high. It's hard to find. Yeah, I know. But you can find a gym. You're never going to stay in a hotel that doesn't have a gym. Every hotel has a gym. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? But I know it's hard.

Can your housekeeper pack me some weights, like some free weights? Yeah, and some bands. You can pack all that shit. Yeah. She won't have a problem with that. I don't see why she would. Problem solved again. Okay. Thanks for tuning in today, you guys. We'll catch up with you next week.

Bye. Bye, Sean. Bye, Chelsea. With regard to my stand-up, you guys, I have added 27 or 30 cities. I'm not sure, but 27, 30 cities. We've added Des Moines. We've added your request people, people who requested Louisville, Kentucky. Guess fucking what? I'm coming. We've added Montcines. We've added your request people, people who requested Louisville, Kentucky. Guess fucking what?

I'm coming. We've added Montclair, New Jersey. We've added a whole slew of cities. So if you have not gotten your tickets yet, do it. ChelseaHandler.com. We just announced 30 more cities, 27 or 30. Niagara Falls, I'm talking to you too. So suck on that.

I'll see everybody on tour. Loving it. Vaccinated and horny. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor,

what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really No Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.