Dear Chelsea - Who Proposes When You're Gay?

Episode Date: July 8, 2021

Chelsea reveals what happens when you forget your purse at a restaurant and why she will never go camping again.  A caller wrestles with tattoo removal. Two ladies would like to get married and wonder which should be the one to propose.  And a man from the UK is feeling lost in life.The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

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Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Oh, good morning. Good morning, everyone. Well, it's not really morning. Who knows when people are listening to this, but some of them are probably listening in the morning. So good morning to you guys. Good afternoon to the people that listen in the afternoon. And if you're listening to a podcast at night, well, then a good evening. Brandon.

Hello. There has been a lot in the news and it's very upsetting. Sha'Carri Richardson was tested for cannabis at the trials for the Olympics after she won or before she won, who knows. And now she is not going to perform her relay at the Olympics or compete in her relay at the Olympics. So this is another sports organization that is completely antiquated and not up to fucking speed and needs an update along with the world tennis association whatever the tennis association is for europe european tennis all of it between naomi osaka between this the two different things but actually not it's all about helping yourself cope with

something and this woman's mother died shikariikari Richardson's mother died and she was using cannabis to help herself and ameliorate her pain and now is not going to be able to compete in the Tokyo Olympics because of that. So you can drink alcohol, but you can't smoke something that grows out of the ground from Mother Earth because that is punishable by being eliminated from the Olympics. So sports needs a big update, a real update. And I don't know if anyone saw me on the shop on HBO, but I was around a bunch of sports figures for the first time in my life. And so there was Tom Brady was there and Draymond Green, who I've loved. He and I, yeah, that's my kind of guy.

And now I feel like I do know a lot about sports, so I'm going to start commenting on it because of that experience. I spent at least two hours with those guys, and I don't think there's anything I can't answer now about basketball, football, mahjong. Also, Britney Spears, Britney Spears's father is still her conservator because a judge denied Britney Spears request to not have her father be her conservator. So there's that. How do you feel about that, Brandon? Well, I think that that is layered from my understanding. Layered Hamilton?

Layered Hamilton. He's in control. He's the new co-conservator. The paperwork that was filed in November was to remove Jamie as her conservator. Jamie's her dad, right? Yes. And so it was that paperwork that was actually just recently ruled on. So her attorney has not yet filed to have the conservatorship completely dismantled, from my understanding. So a lot of this, like the paperwork gets filed, and then it takes X amount of time for the judge to either approve or deny it. So it was the last submission to have Jamie removed that was denied. So now they have to refile to take her out of the conservatorship.

What, like an appeal situation? From my understanding. Well, that's his judgment was that she's denied. So she has to appeal that denial, but that's not very hopeful. I mean, it's the same judge unless she goes to an above court. Oh, right. Maybe she'll go to a different circuit or whatever it is. I saw that she was also recently invited by Congress to give her testimonial and experience with the conservator program in California. Well, that should be something.

But doesn't her father have to fucking let her go to Washington, D.C. to testify in front of Congress? And is he going to allow that? Well, apparently there are two different types of conservators over Britney. There's the conservator over her person and a conservator over her estate. Jamie, her father, is apparently the conservator over her estate. So all of her money matters go through him. Over her as a person is Jody Montgomery, who is an outside conservator who is supposed to be in place really as Britney's advocate. means there's either a disconnect in communication or people aren't being truthful with the type of control they have over her. There are a lot of aspects to this.

So I think it's going to be a few months before we see how her recent testimony plays out. Two pretty, well, three, Bill Cosby's out of jail. That's another disgusting development on a technicality. So while they don't dispute that he's guilty of what he did because of a technicality, he was let out of jail. So that's the state of affairs in this country, you guys. Well, not this country because IOC is an international committee, but that's the state of the world right now. Well, and now this Delta strain. And the Delta strain. But back to these three stories are all examples of white men making the rules and deciding what's best in the interest of women. What are we talking about today, sweetheart? What are we talking about today? Let me look. Well, this is an interesting story. I think we have two lipstick lesbians and they're trying to figure out who proposes to who.

Is it who or whom? Who proposes to whom? And I don't know in that situation. No, nor do I. I always wonder about that. I guess whoever is the dominant in the relationship or, well, because they're sexually dominant and then there's emotionally dominant, right? Yeah.

Okay. What else are we talking about? We have a submission that we get from a lot of people just feeling lost in life. We're going to find you. You're found. Forget hashtag problem solved. Hashtag you're found.

And tattoo removal. You don't have any tattoos, right? Not that I'm aware of, but I do have something sticking to my butt. I went out with Joe Coy the other night and we got we got very, very silly and wasted. And he I came home and I had a big sticker stuck to my ass. And every time I go in the shower, a little bit more comes off. But I don't know where it came from, who put it there or how long it's going to last.

Apparently, how long it's going to be there. So I may have a tattoo. Who knows? Joe Coy is my friend from Chelsea Lately. He used to be a comedian that was on the round table all the time for Chelsea Lately. And I called him and I was like, you know what? I want to go over to his house because I wanted to see he's building his house and I'm building something. So I thought, oh, let me see what he's doing. And then I got there while I was driving there. I asked him for the address. He said, please don't come. Please don't come. I don't want you to see my house like this. And I was like, oh, shut up.

I said, give me the address. So I got in the car and I started driving to his house. And like, you know, 10, 20 minutes in, I'm like, this is where am I going to the valley? And then I looked at the address and I was still 17 minutes away and I just couldn't do it. So I turned around and I texted him and I said, I'm not, I'm not coming. It's too far. And then he came over to me. Then we went to Katsuya and we had six grapefruit martinis together. So, I mean, that was ridiculous. And then we went to Harvell's where there was a jazz club. Well, there is a jazz club. It's called Harvell's in Santa Monica for anybody ever looking for a cool place to go. That's it. Then he got home and I was like, Joe, I don't have my purse. I left it at Harvell's. So he goes, get out of the car. You are such a mess and set me up

to my room. And did you retrieve your purse? No, I never, it turns out I never even brought a purse out that night because I had forgotten to take a purse. So he went back to Harvell's looking for my purse. I went inside, was fast asleep while he was pounding on my door for about 45 minutes, worried that I didn't have my purse so this friendship is very uneven and I have to start being a little bit more reciprocal in my he is just too sweet and too nice and I am a cunt well you can go look for his purse next time yeah I'm sick I am suffering from a neck injury, sweetheart, because I got yesterday, I went to that doctor girl, Vanessa. Yeah. And she took my blood out and then spun it and then re-injected

it all through my neck with syringes and this thing called a stamper. I was pretty numb. I did that to my face once. Yeah, it was pretty. I think it's going to have some good results. I can't wait to see it. I know. It's like having a neck strengthener. Well, I can't tell that you had anything done. Yeah, I'm surprised I'm not more bruised.

I bruise very easily on the face. So it's very hard. Are you anemic? No, I just take Excedrin a lot. Speaking of which, we're having all of your levels tested. Thank you. This is a reminder for everyone listening to also do your annual physical. Yes. For Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Is it Breast Cancer Awareness Month? Is it? I don't think so. Well, let me look at when Breast Cancer Awareness

Month is. So we're all in the know. Sounds like a February month to me. That's the month of my birthday. Should we place a bet on it? No. Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Don't you like when you Google something and there's a very question that you ask has no answer? It's like, what the fuck did I just Google? I feel like every time I Google something, I get less information. Okay. I was wrong. Oh, surprising.

I was wrong. It wasn't February. Okay, well, it's good to know. I mean, yeah, Breast Cancer Awareness Month is probably a very important month to know about. So my apologies. Well, we'll circle back on that in October. Especially with my breasts. And your mother.

I know. Yeah, her too. God rest her soul. For Rita. I would have loved to meet Rita. My mom was really sweet. She was so cute. So snuggly.

All of your family is kind of like that, though. Snuggly? They're all very endearing in their own ways. Oh, that's a nice compliment. They all have a personality. Yeah. I mean, with your childhood, I imagine that everyone was kind of forced to create a personality. I would think so.

But I like when I meet people and their families and you find out all the little dynamics between siblings and moms and their daughters. Because some moms are totally fucked up, right? And they're weird around their daughters and jealous or or they want to like live vicariously through them. Jealous moms and daughters like that is so it's so fucked up to have to grow up like that. But that's another example of you loving to see the interpersonal relationships and workings and dynamics. Because I remember when I had first started, you had said that you were going with a friend to meet their parents or stay at their family's house in Oakland. And I was very surprised by that thinking, oh, she's going to fucking hate that. But you came back and you loved it. Like,

oh, no, no. It's so interesting to see like how these interactions go between, you know, one of your friends and their families who you'd never met. And you've done this now with some of your local girlfriends and their moms. And now you're close to their moms. You did it when you were up in Canada. Yeah, I'm into moms. Well, because I don't have one. So obviously I'm into moms. And I have an aunt

who should be acting like my mother, but she can't because she's such a bitch. Like whatever I am times 100 is what my aunt is. And so she loves me, but she doesn't like me. Your Aunt Gabby. Yeah.

She lives locally. She's an interesting personality. Bitch, bitch. I wouldn't use the word bitch. Well, what would be the word? She likes her solitude. If I text her and say, are you home? She will lie because she does not want me to come over.

And she'll say, no, I'm not. Or I'm sleeping. And that's how I know she's there and to go anyway. But she doesn't want anything to do with me she I like to spring my appearance by her like I just like to show up unannounced so she's forced to see me that's what the move is and yeah and so she hated COVID because of she didn't get to see all the grandkids in the regular cycle that she normally does but she liked it because she doesn't want to be socializing anyway and she wants an excuse to like have to stay away from people we both have a Gabby and I we both have a love of

crafting and of baking and so that's a commonality that we have so we'll text about that occasionally like this two-story Joanne's fabrics it's a craft store if you weren't aware just opened up and we did a text exchange about that for a couple of days which was so nice yeah she's into crafting I mean I don't even yeah I, I mean, crafting. Actually, when I went to Thanksgiving this year, I think it was, was it Thanksgiving? When I went up to that rape cabin that I stayed in? No, that was a couple of years ago. No, with Molly and the family. It wasn't a couple of years ago. It was with my sisters,

just like- The one on the lake that you had to come home to? No, no, no, no. That was rape lake. You've had two bad Thanksgiving experiences. Right. That's why I don't mingle with that family over the holidays, because they seem to do it one step under what I'm comfortable with. They want to do it like the pilgrims in a little cobble.

And they love camping. They love to camp. And I'm not going to pretend I want to camp or try to camp. I tried. It's not a good fit. We're not signing you up for a summer camp. So there's no reason to make anybody suffer with me or go camping with people and have them be exposed to my lack of camping ability. The last time we went up there, whatever holiday it was,

my sisters and I went, or Simone and Seneca and Jordan and I went up and we stayed in that little, that cement, I told you that was like a little cell block. And so the first night, I was like, Simone is like, do you think you're going to make it? And I was like, of course, I can sleep in it. You were supposed to be there for four days, I think. Like we had packed you up, you were ready to go, and you were excited to go too. I was excited, yeah.

When Brandon packs me up, especially when I bring the dogs, it's exciting because then I feel like I'm a parent. And you love, something people may not know, is you love to drive like around town. You'd like to drive yourself and you also like to drive on a road trip. Well, that's new. I like to drive on road trips new. But when I went up to this this event, which I'm convinced was Thanksgiving, my sister and I slept in the same bed. And that's also, you know, hard to do because she snores and she has sleeping issues. But now, I mean, I just have to do because she snores and she has sleeping issues but now I mean I just have to hit her and she it says and she stops but you know why do I want to even deal

with that you know so then the second night I was like I don't know if I can make it the second night and then I was like come on you can't be like that like you got to be able to sleep in this for two nights you know and then I made it the second night but I woke up at like six in the morning packed up the car was out of there by like 6 30 yeah suddenly you're home I'm like what the fuck are you doing here this is not on the agenda you're oh yeah it was bad but they knew you know what's great about family is that they know who you're dealing with yeah so you don't ever have to like pretend like oh no I'm I like it here I like sleeping on this cement block I love it I can just be like no Gabby it's terrible I don't want to spend another night here and they're

all happy when I leave anyway probably I know that's the kind of the expectation with my family is they they'll know because I'm so particular about basically everything but for them as well like I want everything to be set up a certain way for them and like how I would conduct myself on their behalf. So that way, when I go to their homes, they're always on high alert. Like what, what is going to make him comfortable? What do we need to do? But I feel like that's a nice way to operate for people. Like I don't want it to be stressful, but they'll know I'll go get a hotel. If I'm not going to be comfortable there, I don't want to pretend. Right, right, right, right, right. And be like, oh, this is, yeah, I'm fine. Using a bathroom that doesn't have any toilet paper. Yeah, that's something you do in

your early 20s. That's like people, gay guys specifically, where they go on these trips to Palm Springs and it's, you know, a five or six bedroom house and they will have 20 fucking people staying there because they can't afford it. I don't know any gay guys that go to Palm Springs. Mm hmm. Nothing's worse to me than Palm Springs no the fucking desert like we need to get hotter than what it already is here it's fucking hot already that's and it's dry i don't understand the appeal of going to don't sign me up for palm springs and we're not going to sign you up for camping excuse me i have to clear my throat because I've probably smoked too much pot recently you smoked a joint on the way here as a matter of fact well that's what I'm talking about and

you're wearing a cream jumpsuit and you ashed all over yourself yeah it was a hot mess on the way in this morning actually but it's so fun to be able to go to work together sweetheart because we have just one more activity that we did sometimes after we tape this podcast we go rollerblading yeah our schedule schedule has really fallen into place. So it's like we're a couple that works together, that's home together, because you come in the mornings and then goes to work together. It's just like Dr. Phil and his wife. So we've been doing the podcast and then going rollerblading and we're trying to see how far we can go. So we're starting in Santa Monica. We want to get down to like Manhattan Beach.

So we're pacing ourselves. Right. And then we will circle back and we'll go to Blue Plate Taco or Blue Plate Oysterette and have a little lunch. And margarita, have a couple of margaritas. It's really the best way to work. I mean, it's great.

I love a juice boost, you know, like 1130, just a margarita, just to like kick things up a little bit so that you have a little bit more interest in the next three hours. Well, and it also that is when your creative juices get flowing. Once you get through your first margarita, because we've also been working. You've been working on your stand up notes. Oh, yeah.

I'm doing a lot of stand up dates. So you have to look for those. And that's when you really get going is after that first margarita sets in. The second one's been delivered. And yeah, I like a two margarita lunch that's what i'm into especially when they can make them frozen the skinny ones frozen oh my god it reminds me of like one of those vacations where there's like just mango margaritas coming towards you on the beach you know like bora bora where they hand you like a passion fruit margarita i love a frozen

margarita i love margaritas people don't understand Me too. I love margaritas. People don't understand like when I've gone skiing and we do lunch that I always want a margarita. Like, don't you want something warm? Don't you want a coffee? I'm like, no, no, no. People don't know what they're talking about. When it's hot out, just because it's cold out doesn't mean you need something hot to drink. Like people are still drinking fucking hot coffee during summer. Are you three months old? I mean, come on. Regulate your body temperature. Margaritas are refreshing because you're exerting energy when you're skiing. And so it's like you're thirsty. I will say when we're skiing together, we'll get out.

We'll stop for coffee or something after an hour. I don't drink coffee, so I don't know who you're talking about. Yeah, we'll stop and have a drink or get something. A coffee? We'll do lunch. Sophie will get a hot chocolate and a cookie normally. Yeah, but a coffee. No one's getting coffee. Well, we get something in the morning. And then for lunch, it will get a hot chocolate and a cookie normally. Yeah, but a coffee, no one's getting coffee.

Well, we get something in the morning. And then for lunch, it'll be a long lunch. And by that time, someone will have already passed edibles out. So you really have to be on your game after lunch because you're a little drunk and you're probably stoned. Well, you know, yeah, you don't want to be drunk skiing, first of all. That's irresponsible. You want to have a nice buzz. You want to have a buzz so that you're a little braver, not a little

bit more reckless. That's when I feel like I can tackle... Me? Sexually? Well, and I have. We've rear-ended each other in Central Park. Not yet, but I think it's on the docket. It'll happen at some point. God, that would be so... Can you imagine? No, no. That would be terrible.

That would be a great twist. That would be a deal-breaker. That would be a relationship-ender. That would be a great twist. That would be a deal breaker. That would be a relationship ender. That would be something Connie Britton could play on Bravo. Oh, God. I saw Connie the other night. I had dinner with Connie and a couple of other girlfriends. As the woman that was duped by Dear John, I was like, listen, are you overplaying her?

She said, no, she's underplaying it. And it's fascinating. Like there's just social incompetency. Yeah. Or regular incompetency. Technological. Incompetency. Shortcomings. Well, I have technological incompetency. Yeah. So that's what. So you try, though. Well, I think that's part of it. So annoying. Technology is so annoying. The fact that I have five remotes in my bedroom is like so annoying. I want to shove all of them up your ass. I is so annoying. The fact that I have five remotes in my bedroom is like so annoying. I want to shove all of them up your ass. I know you do.

And they all control different things. We have the fireplace or nightstand lamps. We have three remotes for the TVs right now. The remote for the lights is the lamps is over the top because I would like to I keep going to turn it on when I'm reading. So that would be nice if you could rewire that, sweetheart. Well, I just did that so you don't have to get up out of bed to turn them both on or off. I spent a lot of time in bed, you guys. Readjusting to LA life has taken its toll. It's like she's a narcoleptic.

I know. She will fall asleep. She fell asleep in her eye shades at 3 p.m. this week. I went upstairs. I was literally calling to her. I said, sweetheart, sweetheart, up the stairs. And she was passed out. Yeah. No movement. No, that was it. Because the TV didn't work. I'm glad you don't smoke cigarettes, because if you did, I sound like I do today because I can't stop clearing my throat. I want to apologize to our listeners. How annoying is that? So I won't smoke a joint again on the way to do a podcast. Are you taking your singular? Yes, I am. OK, well, check that. I may have forgotten it this morning, but, you know, check. Also, I am on tour.

My tickets are officially on sale. We've added a couple of extra shows, and we are adding a Canadian date that I can't announce yet because we're going to announce it July 13th. So for my Canadian brothers and sisters who are reaching out to me, just know that I'm headed there. It's just we're going to be announcing dates as we go. But you can buy tickets at Ticketmaster for my shows. I'll be playing my next big show. I'm at

the Santa Barbara Bowl, August 21st. So you can come see me there. I'm warming up this new act, this new one hour stand up at a bunch of clubs. So there are still tickets at one of the clubs in Appleton, Wisconsin for the 10 p.m. show, which is on September 24th. So if you live in that area, there are about I don't know how many tickets there are left, but there are some. And then I have all the other cities that I have already released and tickets are available and I can't fucking wait. It's called Vaccinated and Horny. So make sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horniness and then keep them to yourself, please. And on that note, I am feeling so horny that we need to take a break so I can just climb. I can't even pretend that I would do something like that in a podcast studio.

We're going to take a break. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. We're going to take a break. Spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too?

Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really.

Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. So that's why we created The Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts, to give you the context you need to make sense of it all.

Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Amanda Mull, who writes our Business Week buying power column. Very few companies who go viral are like totally prepared for what that means. And Zoe Tillman, senior legal reporter. Courts are not supposed to decide elections. Courts are not really supposed to play a big role in choosing our elected leaders. It's for the voters to decide. Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Should we take some calls? OK, our first submission comes from, well, we don't know their name, but they're 24 and they write,

Dear Chelsea, I'm a 24-year-old music student at Juilliard. Should I keep hooking up with my friend who is in an open, long-distance relationship with a girl who is asexual? There's a lot to unpack here. Okay. What do you think? Is he on the phone? No, this was just a write-in. I imagine because it's sensitive in nature.

Read that again. Okay. Dear Chelsea, I'm a 24-year-old music student at Juilliard. Should I keep hooking up with my friend who is in an open, long-distance relationship with a girl who is asexual? I don't see why not. I mean, this seems like a home-run opportunity unless you're getting emotionally involved. But other than that, yeah, go for it. Yeah. Open relationship.

Yeah. That's the green light. See what pops up or pops down. Pops off. Yeah. See what pops off. And thank you for writing in. We don't know your name, so we'll just call you Lucifer, I guess. So you have our seal of approval. Good luck on that. Let us know how it goes. That was mind-blowing. I mean, anything of a certain age.

So 24, like that age, I'm glad I'm not fucking 24. Oh, yeah, I know. I'm so drunk all the time. Well, can you imagine having to deal with everything that people that age are going through right now? Like the political correctness of the genders and everything, like we're all trying to keep up with it. But the younger generation, gender fluid, asexual, like who the fuck knows what's going on there?

I don't know how you keep up. They know because it's that they live it. We're the ones that have to keep up because it's not like what we grew up with. So we're the ones who like have to understand it. They understand it. So it's not, you know, I think it's easier for them, you know? This is also probably much more of a norm now for people that age. So 24, like being in an open relationship and the different types of sexuality is asexual. I think that means that they're not sexually interested in anyone or anything. Yeah. So I

don't even know why they're being in a relationship with someone who's asexual because it's like us, it's an emotional attachment. Yeah. Well, but would you describe our relationship as asexual well not with how often i try and see you naked oh yeah you do walk in on me and i get a lot but that's just because i don't have a door to my bathroom that's probably what i should be doing because since i've been so bored i should pick up one of those hobbies where i'm like you know on pinterest making little like furniture boards of what I want my house to look like or something like that. When you went up to Canada because you had to quarantine for two weeks and you asked if you should start online shopping. And I don't

think I've ever I've ever been more worried about. I was like, what am I going to do for the quarantine? I mean, I'll read, but there's only so many hours a day you can read a book. You know, I can't read for eight hours. I was like, what should I do? Should I take up online shopping? Do you think I'd like that? That's going to be a hard no. I know.

But I don't want to get involved with anything like that. Lucky for me, you'd get through one page and forget what you were doing. Yeah, exactly. I would be like, yeah, what am I doing on this site again? Okay. So our next submission comes from Julian from the UK. And Julian writes, Dear Chelsea, I've always loved your honesty, integrity, and how genuine you are. My question, what would your advice be to anyone who is feeling lost in life or unsure about themselves and their direction?

This seems to be a common theme. Everyone's going through it. So let's see what's going on, Julian. Julian, are you there? Hi. Yes. How are you? Oh, hi, Julian.

Hi, Julian. Hi. How are you guys? We're good. How are you there? Hi, yes. How are you? Oh, hi, Julian. Hi, Julian. Hi, how are you guys? We're good. How are you doing? How's COVID doing over in London? Oh, yeah, it's going really well. Yeah, it's okay. I think we're on our way out, hopefully.

Surviving or thriving? Surviving, for sure. Yeah. How about you guys? Yeah, well, it's going well in L.A. right now. But, you know, every time you think you're out of the woods, there seems to be another go round of it. So who knows? Who knows at this point?

You're cute. Thank you. Likewise. Thank you. Well, what's going on? What is going on? Lots of things. So I guess the basis of my question kind of stemmed from my personal experiences and circumstances over the last few years, which were kind of in relation to my career relationships, friendships,

mental health, and so on. However, I guess on the flip side of that, I think there's a lot of people who are going through the same thing as me at the moment. So I thought it would be good to get your advice on the situation and see if you could help me and so many other people to kind of help get back on track after such a difficult year and with everything that's been going on. Right. Brandon, would you like to take the lead on this? Well, I just wonder if there's a specific, like you listed off some categories in life. Like, is there a specific one that you feel like you are having the most trouble kind of confronting or getting like getting over that hurdle?

Well, sadly, for me, it all happened at the same time. But if I was to pick one, I guess mental health is really important to me. And I know it's something I've struggled with for a number of years. So in terms of feeling kind of lost and unsure, I guess I deal with depression. So for me, it's quite difficult when there are circumstances going on that you can't really control. You know, how do you kind of get through that? And what would your advice be to kind of keep going and get yourself back to a good place? I mean, I would focus on what are the good things that are happening in your life? Like what's going on with your job, your family? Do you have a boyfriend, girlfriend? Are you pregnant? Not pregnant. No. Currently single, happily. I'm quite blessed. I've got a great family and

friends. But in my circumstances previously, I lost a lot of people quite close to me. And when I say lost, I mean, they're still with us, just not with me, thankfully. And my career, I changed my job. I had to really change my whole life. And then COVID happened. So it's just kind of been one thing after another. And you feel like you can't catch a break. Well, I just think, first of all, it's not like you're alone in this.

Obviously, half the world is feeling this way. More than half the world. More than half the world feels like they've lost something, right? This last year, it's like you're on a constant treasure hunt for like the next glimpse of happiness or the next positive thing to happen, because every time it seems like it's on the horizon, like Chelsea said, something happens. But I think that in those moments, it's really important to have something, a hobby, an outlet that when you're down or depressed or in that sort of emotional state where it's kind of hard to dig yourself out, you have to have something that you can implement. And also you don't want to be a victim of your circumstances. Then you're like letting the world run you and you're not running anything. So like being even you like, you know, it's been so hard on you, of course. Yeah. But like, what are you going to do with this opportunity now? You know, don't be a victim. We don't none

of us want to be that because that's just like groveling, you know? You have to go, God, yeah, this was fucking tough. And if I survive this, I can survive so much more and kind of pick yourself up and start with all the good things you have going on in your life, reminding yourself every morning when you get up, you know, how lucky you are to be where you are,

regardless of what happened in the past. What's happening right now is you having to be like in your life, getting things kickstarted again, which is the way so many people feel. So you got to get your juices flowing. And I think that Chelsea's obviously a big believer in meditation and I try and do it consistently and I fail. I try. Right. And I do it in the morning now. I used to do it midday. I forgot to meditate this morning, actually. And I usually do it first thing when I get up. But lately, my meditations have been so lame that I'm just like, fuck. But it really does set your day

on a better path. So I kind of used it as a coping mechanism where if I was stressed, I would text her and say, hey, I'm taking 10 minutes outside, whatever. As a coping mechanism for working for me. For the stress associated with it. But trying to start your day off in the way that she mentioned, either kind of giving yourself the affirmations of the positive things or the little goals that you're going to have. Because when you feel those little successes, I think everything else feels a little less detrimental. Yeah. And every day should be like an adventure. You know, when you're getting up in the morning, it's not like you have to write affirmations. Or, yeah, you could write down in a thing like, you know, three things you're grateful for.

That way you're getting out of bed with like some juices going, like some positive vibes. I think that everyone's problem is just to have more positive vibes, right? Like everyone can work harder to take the negative and turn it around and make a positive. Well, it's so much work to be negative all the time. I know it's so draining. I believe me. I know. Julian, I will say the way that you kind of recounted the people not being in your life as a positive thing. Like you obviously have a positive disposition. I like your usage of recounting. Yeah, that's a word I don't use and I like the way you used it. I was sexually attracted to you just then. We have that dynamic. So I think just implementing more of that, that you know the people who were baggage and not contributing anything, they're no longer there. And, you know, that's a positive thing. There's always a way to spin the circumstance in a positive direction.

And the more you do that, it's going to feel like less work. Yeah, definitely. Well said, Brandon. Yeah, I would agree with that. You seem really cool. Like, yeah, I think you're going to be just fine. Thank you. I hope so. I wish I could prescribe medication overseas. I would prescribe you something fun, but I only work here in the United States. Don't worry.

I'm sure I can find something here. Okay, good. Yeah. Do you smoke pot and do you drink? I do, yeah. Well, that's good. I do, yeah. Good for you.

I mean, you have to at this point. Let's be honest. I know. Right. Like, this isn't the time to be sober or even experiment with sobriety. Exactly. No, I don't have time for that. So the first two weeks of the pandemic, like when we were quarantining for our first two weeks, which we thought would be our only two weeks, I treated it like it was spring break. Like I took mushrooms every day. I was like, OK, what drugs do I have today?

She was like an Amish child on Rumspringa. I mean, she was like anything that she could get up to. She was like, I only have this two weeks to relax and take drugs. Yeah. I'm like, I can't leave my house. It doesn't matter what happens. Like I'm just going to, I had like a hundred milligram THC capsules that I was taking. I tried those out. I was like, let's see what happens. And then when I realized it was going to go on for more than two weeks, I was like, oh shit. Like, and then zooms became, you know, the, like the big thing I was like, oh, I'm going then Zooms became, you know, like the big thing. I was like, oh, I'm going to have to get my shit together. That was the worst.

I definitely killed off some brain cells during those two weeks for sure. Those two weeks were the best for both of us because no one knew how to work. And I was just dropping off Egg McMuffins. McDonald's Egg McMuffins he put in my freezer and freezer pack them for me because that's my favorite thing to have. I'm like, if the apocalypse is coming and everything's shutting down, I need her to go out on a high note, literally high with an Egg McMuffin.

Yeah. Anyway, stay away from Egg McMuffins because as you'll know, I'm sure they cause damage and you don't need that in your life right now. No, other unsolicited life advice. All right, take care, Julian. Thank you so much, guys.

Appreciate it. Bye. He was one of my favorite callers. He was so likable. It's some of these people that are really likable that just need to kind of recalibrate their thinking. Yeah. I think a lot of people also don't laugh a lot.

I think that's a thing. Yeah. Because like when I've gone through periods without laughing, I notice it. I'm like, why aren't I laughing? Like, well, I'm not making, you know, I'm like being too serious or I'm like, you know, whatever. People get so in their heads. Taking things too seriously. Yeah. Taking things too seriously. And nothing's that serious. Like my, and this is actually a piece of advice that I gave you. Way to toot your own horn. Well, one of the first times I ever did it, I remember being so

uncomfortable trying to like, you know, open up personally and you were really upset about something. I can't remember what it was. And basically. Probably my weight. It probably was. And my aunt always would ask me, is it really worth being mad over if I called her with an issue or if I was upset about something? And the answer is almost always no. Like when you're really faced to answer that. And so I did that to you one day. You were upset about something, but you have to put it in perspective. Is it really worth being mad over? And you totally changed your outlook. You're like, actually, no, it's not. So let's just like correct it and move on. Yeah. It's so lame to be in a bad mood also. You know, it's like just so not hot.

It doesn't do anything for anyone. Well, no, no, it doesn't. It's not like anyone get, yeah. Well, let's see how this next caller is. Her name is Lacey. She's from California. She is a child sleep therapist. Oh, maybe she can help you, sweetheart. And a doula. We need to put her on retainer. Oh my God, two birds with one stone. I. And a doula. We need to put her on retainer. Oh, my God. Two birds with one stone. I can have a baby and sleep through the night.

You could sleep through having the baby. Oh, well, I would rather sleep after the baby is born. I would rather sleep through that. Well, Mabel will be taking over at that point. Will she, though? I mean, will Mabel really be taking over at that point? She writes, Dear Chelsea, I would like your advice. My girlfriend and I plan to spend our future together, and that means we would like to get married. However,

with both of us being lesbians, feminine lesbians, we don't really know how to propose. I personally would like to be proposed to. However, she also wants to be proposed to. How would you suggest we go about this? Any ideas? This is a quick fix. Okay. She's on the phone. Okay, great. Oh, there she is. Let's see what's going on. Hi, Lacey. Hi, Chelsea. Aren't you cute? You're a feminine lesbian. I can see. Thank you. Yes. Okay. How long have you guys been together? We met seven months ago in the height of the pandemic. Well, that was good. I'm glad you guys were being safe during the pandemic, hooking up. Yeah, exactly. And how's it been going? I mean, seven months. That's amazing. Okay. So, you know, you both know and are committed. Yes. Yes. When you know, you know. But I mean, to put it simple, we met at the beach in Santa Monica and the rest is history.

So there's a lot going on with the circumstances of you meeting, being at a beach during the pandemic. But I'll support it. But that's good. They were outside. That's safe. That's one thing. We need to take you to the beach to try and find you somebody. Yeah, six feet apart.

Yeah, six feet apart. They were just, you know, finger-blasting each other six feet apart. Exactly, Chelsea. I think you guys are like, you know, a modern couple. I think you should just if you want to be proposed to and she wants to be proposed to, I think you should have a conversation and say, listen, I'm going to propose to you and I want you to propose to me. And let's plan on doing that together. I mean, because otherwise one person is going to do it and then the other person is going to be let down. Right.

Well, correct. But that's the conversation we've already had. Oh, you did? Oh, it is? Yeah. So we need a good idea, Chelsea. Like an idea for the double proposal. But are you going to be proposing at the same time or will one of you propose

at a certain time and the other person? See, that's what I would do. That's my question, you guys. That's a logistical question. And Sweetheart knows that Sweetheart does not know anything about logistics. That's your department. This is a common problem with gay couples. And this is something you get asked, like,

who pays for dinner when you're both men or both women? And the same thing for proposing. How do you know who proposes to one another? Sometimes there's a more dominant person in the relationship. Are you the more dominant one? Well, that is a good question. I think it's pretty equal. That's why I'm having a hard time with this. So what about you just going for it and proposing like on your own and then do that and then letting her just figure out her own thing? So I do it first. Yeah. Like you want to do it like, yeah, that's kind of it's kind of hot to do it first anyway. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Could be. Except for the possible repercussions of that, of the girlfriend being pissed. So what you couldn't. I don't understand. Did you agree? No, she won't. Did you agree? She won't be pissed. You agree that you both want it to be proposed to,

but you didn't agree that it had to happen on this at the same time. Did they? No. Okay. Cause I'm like miracle error. We should do an ad for miracle ear because I was like did I fucking miss something oh yeah no I think you should but then you should just go for it just propose to her and do it and like be like I wanted to do my way and I want you to do it your way and that way it gives her the room to you know still do it right it's exciting congratulations I'm so happy that you found somebody that you love this much. Like, I would love to find somebody that I was that excited about. Maybe you will. I keep telling you to become a late in life lesbian. Everyone is becoming lesbians. Everyone.

So they must be onto something. Well, no, they are because they're fucking over men. They're like, oh, this is you guys are so disappointing over and over and over again that we're just going to start going down on women. That's what a lot of women are doing. And I might. You could, too. You're right. Who knows? You know what?

I probably will end up being a lesbian. Chelsea, you should. OK, I know. I just I'm like, I like men. I'm attracted to men in a big way. I'm losing my attraction to them slowly over time. But I keep thinking that there's going to be some guy out there that I'm just going to be really into. Possibly or. Yeah. Or there's not.

And we'll take you to the beach and we'll find you your lesbian lover. Okay. Lacey, my last piece of advice on this, maybe you set a timeline or a timeframe that you, if you do it first, then she has, you know, three months to plan her thing and do it that way. So that way you don't feel like you both don't know when it's happening, or maybe you set a certain amount of time that you both agree on of when the first person is allowed to, or pull a fucking straw. So, you know, like then it's fair who, who gets to propose first. But I definitely think, I definitely think you each setting up your own proposal so you can do it your way

based on what you know the other person would appreciate is going to be the best experience for you both. So you're saying whoever does it first. I'm saying that there's... I think she should just propose. Like, just go for it and fucking do it already. Okay. Yeah, be bold.

I think that's my advice. Let us know how it turns out. Who ends up proposing first? Yeah, sweetheart bold. I think that's my advice. Let us know how it turns out. Who ends up proposing first? Yeah, sweetheart. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to talk to my sweetheart now because I'm, you know, that was confusing. We have to work in concert. Well, sweetheart, we have different perspectives on this because as a gay man, this is a struggle that we all face. Okay. You're never going to face that. You don't need to hear this part of the conversation. We're going to say goodbye, Lacey. Thank you.

Bye, Lacey. Have a great day. Thank you so much. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye. Sweetheart, stop exposing everybody to our dysfunctional. Oh, sweetheart, I look like Nick Nolte. I think your face looks great.

It looks very, you look very glowy today. Oh, do I? Yeah. Wow. Did you use that hempathy product? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used that new hempathy product and I was testing it out to see if I like it. And so far I do. I hope more people write in with cosmetic related questions because that's my favorite topic.

I know. You love to do, you love to take care of your skin. Anything. Facials and any sort of yeah. Aromatherapy. Are you into aromatherapy? No, not so much into that. But my favorite candle therapy, aromatherapy. It's just like smells, but it always smells like shit. Yeah, I don't like smells. My favorite is when you think that I've had Botox and I haven't. Yeah. Your forehead looks like you've had a lot of Botox. No? Oh, that's weird. Full mobility. So you have a little bit one of those, like, what are those cavemen from the early times?

What are they called? Troglodytes? Troglodytes? No, I'm not thinking of that. But yeah, promagnum? Chromagnum? Yeah, you look a little bit chromagnum then with your eyebrow. What is that? It's where, like, it's a little caveman-esque.

It's like where you wear, it's very full right here in the brow. Oh, the brow bone, yeah. Yeah, and then with your middle part, like, you look like you could be, you know, half ape, half man. I'm the missing link. Like, you could have come from that line of, you know, well, we all did, so. I imagine their skin was not very smooth, but. Well, but anyway, it's good to know that cavemen were getting Botox also. It started somewhere. This would be a perfect time to insert our Botox

commercial. We're just dishing out this advice today. And I feel like we're getting through them very quickly. All of our callers are so, none of them are annoying, you know? I mean, obviously somebody will be, but everyone's so cool. There'll be a rogue one for sure. Oh, yeah, yeah. I know for sure. I'm waiting. Well, our next mission, it was actually a voice memo submitted by Tina. And so if you would like to send a voice memo, you can do that as well. You can send it to dearchelseaproject at gmail.com if you don't have the time to call in. Yeah, send us a voice memo. I love a voice memo. memo well let's listen to what she has to say dear chelsea i need your advice on whether to remove my tattoos completely off my body since they suck or repair the current ones to look cooler instead of the piece of shit i have

yes i shouldn't have done it to begin with but the damage has been done and removing them is very painful with numerous appointments and money, but I'll do it if you pay and film the horror promise your lesbian tattoo friend, Tina. Why? If I have to pay for her to get her tattoos removed and then film it, remove it,

I love that you gave me two options removed or repaired. I personally just am not a fan of tattoos. No. I'm a Jew, so it's not that I follow anything about religion or about my own, other than trying to be a good person. You can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery if you have tattoos. I am not going to be wanting to be buried anyway, sweetheart. Actually, that's...

Conversation we need to have. Yeah, I want to be cremated, and you can just throw me in the garbage. I do not want to be cre anyway, sweetheart. Actually, that's... Conversation we need to have. Yeah, I want to be cremated and you can just throw me in the garbage. I do not want to be cremated. On the record, do not cremate me. You mean for the record? For the record. Oh, and on the record, yeah.

Okay, do not under any circumstance. I want to be buried because I want to be brought back. I want there to be some DNA left. Sweetheart, you're being ridiculous. I looked up being cryogenically frozen. There's a company in Arizona. Okay, so how much does much does it cost i don't know but i'll be working for a few more years you have to have somebody handle the account that's like 40 years younger i think it's 150,000

but there are two different options you can just have your head cryogenically frozen in which case they would like implant your brain into another body. And then come back possibly. Or your full body. You come back a hundred years later. Yes. I don't know about that. That would be really scary. I got a tattoo while you were away. And I posted about it while I was in my tattoo session. And you DM'd me immediately about the tattoo.

Were you disappointed that I had gotten a tattoo? I just was surprised. Well, this is something else to know. More life advice is sometimes your body refuses the ink, which mine has done. Oh, well, there you go. So it has now faded into basically nothing. Maybe I had the ink disappear with my power of thought.

You probably did. About your tattoo. You wanted my body to let go of the ink. Letting go, letting go. That's a book everyone should read. You've given it away to multiple people. Oh yeah, that's a book everyone should read you've given it away to multiple people oh yeah that's a great book by david hawkins i read it like three times when i was in whistler it's really good so did we is she on her own i mean what are you thinking uh tina yeah it's not a decision for us to make i'm not going to pay for your tattoo removal i can't start paying

for things when people ask and write in because then that's what the show would be. And I'd have to do much more than a podcast to sustain it. But that's a decision you're going to need to make, sister, on your own, without our help. You got yourself into this mess. Now tat yourself out of it. Goodbye, Tina. Okay. It sounds like it's time for a breaky, breaky, breaky, breaky.

We'll be right back. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal?

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The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. So that's why we created The Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts, to give you the context you need to make sense of it all. Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Amanda Mull, who writes our Business Week buying power column. Very few companies who go viral are like totally prepared for what that means.

And Zoe Tillman, senior legal reporter. Courts are not supposed to decide elections. Courts are not really supposed to play a big role in choosing our elected leaders. It's for the voters to decide. Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Okay. Well, there was definitely a broad... Seems like we didn't do

very much heavy lifting today, sweetheart. Let's be honest. No, but those will come. Do you think if you weren't a comedian that you would want to do something with counseling or like...

No, but if I weren't a comedian, what I would want to do is get paid to watch television and sit on my... Maybe psychology? I don't know. It would have to involve travel and sociology, maybe sociology, anthropology. It's never too late. To become an anthropologist, Brandon? Never too late. There's always an option. Would you ever go to college? Would you ever actually enroll if we were filming it for like you know a documentary series or something yeah we've talked about doing that before we just haven't gotten around to it

because but i would yeah i'm interested in learning and i'm also would be interested in getting swept up in the social aspects of college because i would just to relive those i would totally go like you know join a sorority become the president and tell all these girls like how to fucking you know keep everyone in line and like be bosses. I would love. So I would love to have that influence over a bunch of 18 year old girls. Are you kidding me? Like they would be fucking cunts by the time I got done with them. They'd be ready to attack. So, yeah, I could see myself doing that. I don't remember what happened with that. We were talking about it, but then we never really got into it. So we'll revisit. Put that in your notes section to bring up.

I will. I will. I will. Thank you. Yeah. Light load today. Light lift. But we'll see what happens next week. Do you feel like that you have the qualifications to continue advising people at this level? I mean, I don't know that I'm qualified, but I'm going to keep doing it. Right. And that's the important thing. I'm no quitter. Right. And that's the important thing. I'm no quitter. Right. And quitters never win. Good night.

If you want any assistance with your partner, your best friend, really anything, you can write in to DearChelseaProject at gmail.com. DearChelseaProject at gmail.com. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you?

We have the answer. Go to ReallyKnowReally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really No Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions,

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A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Follow The Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen.