Dear Chelsea - Women Without Kids with Ruby Warrington

Episode Date: October 5, 2023

Author Ruby Warrington joins Chelsea to talk about choosing not to procreate, why drinking less changed her life, and the joys of dying alone.  Then: A sometimes-sober AA member wrestles with a sober reset.  A Jersey girl navigates friendships as the rest of her girl-group has kids.  And a mom of two wonders why her bestie avoids her boys. * Find Ruby’s books here! * Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail] * Executive Producer Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Katherine. Oh, hi, Chelsea. Oh, my God. What a whirlwind. I love New York City so much.

I just don't know if I can leave here. I mean, I'm homeless right now anyway, so my house in L.A. is still not ready, even though I'm going back there on Monday. I did my first two shows back at the Beacon in New York City, and they were fucking epic. In the middle of a river of water, right? Oh, my God, yeah. There was a huge storm on the first show I had Friday night.

They were like, do you want to cancel? And I was like, I don't know. Once you cancel a show, it triggers so much else. So I was like, there's going to end up being more people that show up than people who can't come. So we decided to just pull the trigger and do the show. And it was awesome. And then Saturday night's show was even more awesome. And I'm just so happy to be back on tour.

I feel so rested. I feel like I had the vacation of a lifetime, a summer of a lifetime. I mean, I just can't believe how fucking great my life is. And I'm just so grateful that I have so many people and fans that have given me this life because I just am enjoying myself to the nth degree. And I also feel like it's just time for me to move to New York City. You know what I mean? At least have a second home there. I know. I never lived in New York City. I'm from New Jersey. I think it's time. And my business managers, I told them, I go, I think I might

want to move to New York soon. And they were like, your house in LA is not even done yet. And I was like, well, we're going to have to rent that out to someone or do something. But I'm just much more stimulated here. And I just love it. Last night, I was just out at this simple restaurant with like five girlfriends. And I'm like, this is awesome. This is what I want my life to be like. I don't want to be in LA going to sleep at eight o'clock every night, like an elderly woman. I want to live it up. It's time. Yeah. And you have a lot of friends in New York too. So it's like you pop by, see people. I like making new friends too. I make friends wherever I go. I mean, I am just on fire with my new friendships, my old friendships and new

friendships. But that's the one great thing about traveling, too, and bopping around. There's so many people to meet and so many interesting people who add and contribute to your life and joyfulness and experience and point of view. And it's just all so interesting. Yeah, especially with as many places as you went this summer. I'm sure you got lots of different experiences. Yeah, yeah. I dosed a lot of people, Catherine, this summer. I gave a lot of people microdosing of whatever I had. Excellent.

I love, especially strangers. There was this old couple walking outside my house in Mallorca, like a German couple, not old, but older. Sure. And they were holding hands, and we started talking. I don't know why. And they're like, it's our anniversary, our 30th anniversary. And I was like, oh my God, you guys should take some microdose of LSD.

Like I have a whole sheet of it and you guys should do that. And they both looked at each other and they're like, we will. I go take one of my kayaks, take it out and put it, go right out there and go have a good night. I go just have fun with each other.

And they came back four hours later. I was kind of like, are they still out there? And they came out and they left the kayak and they left this little note on the kayak. And it was just the cutest thing. And so I just want to give drugs to everybody. And I know not everybody can do drugs. So I want to say that it's not for everybody, but there is something for almost everybody. And sometimes it's kayaking on LSD. Yes, that's my favorite activity in Mallorca. I like to get up. One night I got up from dinner. It was like 930. I was like, I took my mango daiquiri and I ran outside.

I was like, it's time to get on a paddleboard. And I went because of the water is because we live in this port. And it's like, I don't know who we are. I'm alone, a single woman. I live there with all the men that I have to hire to take care of me, which is also a great irony in my life. And I can go out there and paddle. You know, it's so still and placid at night. And just going out there with my cocktail and my paddleboard or my kayak. I'm like, I just look up at the stars and I'm like, oh, God, I believe in you. I believe in you now. Thank you. Thank you. Mallorca will do that to you. Yeah, you've been there, you know. I'm just trying to. Mallorca will do that to you. Yeah, you've been there. You know.

I'm just trying to figure out if it's too late to go to Antarctica. You've been everywhere else this summer. I know, I know. But it just feels like every time I have an opportunity to go there, it just doesn't seem like it's going to be. I hate to say this, but luxurious. Like, I want to be on a comfortable boat. And all these boats are like. It is not luxurious.

No, it's like an exploration. And all these boats are like... It is not luxurious, I hear. No, it's like an exploration. And I'm not an explorer. No, those are some of the choppiest seas on the planet. I don't have a problem with that. I have a problem with being comfortable. Like I want to be on a yacht, not an exploration boat because they're bare bones. And then you're living basically like sleeping on cement with like a maxi pad on top of it.

Yeah, you have to have like an icebreaker on the front of the boat. I'm like, do I care that much? Like I'd like to go. Oh, God, I have these bruises on the back of my neck because Dennis Colonello, who has two meatballs for hands, my chiropractor, but he doesn't crack me. He got into my neck so deeply yesterday because I have so much tension in my neck from my, I have some slipped disc in my neck and I was washing my hair this morning in the shower and I was like, ah, ah. And then I texted him. I said, you know, you assaulted me yesterday. You're bruised.

But he's like that. He's happy that he hurt me because that's his kind of personality. Chiropractors. Okay. I feel like they, it's not a popular profession. They're all a little weird, but like, I feel like at some point they go two different directions. There's okay. I'll crack your back, make you feel better, whatever. And the other direction, they just go so woo woo. It's like not even funny. Yeah. He's pretty woo woo, but he doesn't ever crack me. He just realigns me, and it's very painful. Because I have a situation where I hold all my tension in my chest and neck, so he gets in there.

I mean, he literally is, like, digging into my boobs. He puts a pad there to, like, try and pretend that it's not, you know, what it is, which is him basically feeling me up. So shout out to Dennis Colonello. Thanks, Dennis. But I have a great chiropractor in Whistler who cracks me because when I ski, my ribs pop out all the time. Like this right rib always pops out.

And he cracks me all the time. His name is Keith and he's a fucking awesome. I bet he gets a lot of business. Oh, not only does he get, I probably carry him through the whole year because when my family comes up, we have Keith come every night at six before dinner and everyone lines up and sits around and watches each other get cracked. He's like, God, I feel like I'm in a theater.

He goes, I'm performing for all of these people. I'm like, yeah, I know. But it's so good when you're out of whack to get cracked. I love it when it rings through your whole body. I never crack my neck because women, there's danger in women cracking their neck. Really anyone, but more so for women. But I like sometimes for my hips to get adjusted because they get out of whack, you know. But yeah, one night we were all, this was years ago, my whole family was like over Christmas.

We're all up in Whistler and we're all so stoned. Everyone is as high as a kite. And so we were all just like watching him. We set him up in the living room and everyone's just like around watching him drinking and just like staring at him. And I was like, God, he must think we are one hot mess of a family. Did you explain why? I don't know. Who cares?

You know what I mean? Who cares? He's like these guys. We're not. Yeah. It's better to be quiet and high than to be loud and obnoxious. That's what I tell myself anyway. I saw Barry Manilow on my flight yesterday.

You did? Yeah. How's he looking? Exactly the same. Exactly the same. I was like, oh, you look, like, it's almost like he's frozen in time. I'm glad Barry Manilow is doing great. Yeah, he seems to be thriving.

Flying around. Yeah, flying around. He walked to the bathroom all by himself. That's when I noticed him. Did you know Al Pacino is having a baby? A baby. I'm so sick of all of this grossness. And there's another one.

It's Al Pacino and... De Niro. Yes, and they're both having babies. Yeah. How fun for that baby. One of them is 83. I'm like, you would be 101 when your kid graduates high school if I'm doing my math correctly. Well, you don't need to do the math because he won't be there.

So don't worry about it. It's really gross. Rupert Murdoch has seven children or six or they all... Elon Musk has like 14. Elon Musk's dad just had a baby with his stepdaughter. What? Yeah. Elon Musk's dad had a baby with his stepdaughter. And it's a secret child. But it came out like. Well, that explains a little bit about Elon Musk. I know. Like it's got a little weird, weird shit going on. Well, that family. Yeah. Yeah. Actually,

I think they just had their second child together. I think that's what just came out recently. That's pretty gross. So on that note. What do you think is worse, a stepdaughter or your adopted daughter like Woody Allen and his daughter Soon-Yi? They just keep having babies, in my opinion, to prove that they were really meant to be all along. Meanwhile, you're like, no. No, you were meant meant to be all along. Meanwhile, you're like, no. No, you were meant not to be.

No. Our next guest I've been following on social media for a while because she is an advocate for not having children as well. I don't know if you know that about me, but I don't want children. So I've been following her and then I saw I got her book, which was called Women Without Kids, and I thought, hmm, we may have something to talk about. Please welcome Ruby Warrington. Good morning. Good afternoon. Hi, good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. Buenas noches. I am in Miami. Oh, you are? Yes. Are you hanging out with Ron DeSantis? Absolutely. He invited me for dinner this weekend. Oh, that's fun. I hope there's a bunch of drag queens and transgender people there. So that they can enjoy his presence as well.

Thanks so much for having me on, guys. I'm so excited. Yes, as are we. As are we. I received your book, Women Without Kids. And obviously, we have that in common. We do. So... Talk to us. Talk to us about how you came to that decision. Talk to us about the book, about everything, your stance on being child free. Well, I think that I was born this way. Honestly, that's kind of where I've landed now. I've actually recently started using the term a reproductive to describe how I feel about having children, kind of like asexual, as in like no

desire to engage with the reproductive element of my sexuality right that's a term that I only came up with more recently but honestly I feel like I was born this way you know I just never had a desire to have a child this was something that was questioned intensely throughout my 20s and 30s to the extent that I questioned it in myself like why don't I want to do this thing am I sure I don't. Like, why don't I want to do this thing? Am I sure I don't want to do this thing? Will I regret not doing this thing? And then I got to my early forties and I honestly was looking ahead to menopause. And I realized I was quite excited actually about what might lie on the other side of this kind of monthly hormonal rollercoaster.

And within that realized, no, I have no regrets about not having had a child. There is not one minute of panic kind of sounding in my body at this moment. Like this was always the right path for me and how fortunate I am to have been born in a country and in an era where I actually got to make the choice not to have a child. and I actually got to really live true to myself, you know? And so I wanted to write this book because it felt like the path of non-motherhood, no matter how a person finds themselves there, is still so stigmatized. It's still seen as so other, so unusual. People get so many questions about it. And actually the statistics will show that women without kids are rising in numbers dramatically all around the world.

And happier. And often happier and richer. Richer. There was a study that came out that said men who are married are the happiest men. Women who are single are the happiest women. Right. There are all of these kind of contradictions between our actual lived experiences as women without kids and what the society tells us our lives are supposed to be like. So I wanted to write the book to first and foremost, just validate the path of non-motherhood.

Like, again, no matter whether it's by choice, by circumstance, not by choice, because a lot of people who've tried and failed to have kids even they're failed right like they they see themselves or they're often told that like you just you failed at this important thing this most important thing but beyond that you know the statistics will show that the birth rate is actually decreasing massively in every single country around the world the number one reason this is happening is because women are getting more access to education, more access to financial freedom, and more empowerment, basically. And yet there are plenty of forces who do not see this as a good thing, who would really prefer for women to continue having lots of children, to keep boosting the birth rate, and essentially keep our economy kind of ticking on as it is. And a lot of the time, the quote unquote blame for the

falling birth rates is put very squarely at the feet of silly, selfish women who are choosing to do other things with their lives than have kids. And so it just felt like this really juicy area to dive into in book format. And what has the response been for you with other women? I've been getting just countless DMs, so many women who reflect back to me what I so often felt. I thought I was the only one. Thank you so much for showing me that I'm not a weirdo. I'm not a freak. I haven't failed. Thank you for giving me so many different ways to think about why I don't want to be a mother or even why I'm questioning if that is right for me. So just a real sense of solidarity and support

and people feeling seen and understood when they're reading the book. Of course, there has also been the occasional, this book is poison. You ridiculous, selfish person. You're going to regret this when you're old. I actually expected more of those sorts of comments, actually. But yeah, there have been a few of those as well. I get a lot of backlash, a lot of backlash from men, conservative men. Well, I live in America. So we have, you know, this is a hot mess situation and a hot button topic here because men would like to force us to have children here in this country.

So the backlash from women, mostly it's supportive from women, especially mothers are like, yeah, to each his own. You know, why would you ever force this on somebody else? But when I do get these messages from mothers going, you're such a sad person or they comment on my post, you're such a sad person, Chelsea. You're so sad and you're just covering it up with humor and you're going to be miserable. You're going to die alone. I'm like, I hope I do die alone. I don't want to die with a bunch of other people.

What are you talking about? You're going do die alone. I don't want to die with a bunch of other people. What are you talking about? You're going to die alone? You think the reason to have a child is so that you don't die alone? I don't want anyone dealing with my death. I want to be shot and just put down or whatever. Like if I'm sick, shoot me and bury me or actually light me on fire and cremate me. Whatever's best for the environment because I think cremating is bad. Now they can liquefy your body, I heard recently, right? But anyway, those aren't the reasons. And to speak to the main issue that everyone brings up, which is in a more

loving way, is you're going to miss out on the most beautiful love of your life. It is the most transcendent. You can't describe how somebody feels when they give birth to a baby and the love that they feel. Of course, I believe that to be true, but I'm okay with that. And if I'm okay with missing out on that kind of love, just like some people will never have pets. Some people will never experience that kind of love. And that's not the same as a kid, but for some people that's even better than a kid. The most common thing that I hear among mothers is no one said it was going to be this hard. No one said it was going to be this hard. I hear that all the time.

And I'm like, are you kidding me? Literally, everyone always talks about how hard it is. All I ever hear is this is really hard. This is so hard. And then everyone I know who becomes a mom is like, no one tells you how hard this is going to be. I'm like, what channel have you been listening to? Well, I think there is an overwhelming chorus of people talking about how beautiful it is,

how wonderful it is. They don't say, hey, you're going to be up for the first six months of their lives 15 times a night or whatever it is, three times a night. I guess I'm exaggerating. Breastfeeding or that you're beholden, that you have no life for six months. People talk about it. But the overwhelming chorus is one of positivity rather than of negativity, I think. And I do actually think that the physical experience, you can read all that stuff and you can hear about it, but then the physical experience. And I think actually what a lot of women find really hard, especially women who have grown up with a degree of agency and freedom to kind of live our lives on our own terms, thanks to the different waves of the feminist movement, becoming a mother means saying goodbye to kind of live our lives on our own terms, thanks to the different waves of

the feminist movement. Becoming a mother means saying goodbye to all of that. So it kind of means a loss. It actually means a loss of privilege in a way. If freedom, autonomy, self-authorship, bodily sovereignty, these are privileges which have been fought for by the feminist movement. Women of Gen X, millennials, Gen Zs, we're the first generations of women to really kind of experience that in our lives. And so of course, becoming a mother means a loss of so many of those privileges, privilege, which used to be only applied to men. And so I think that it's actually maybe even harder to weigh up the kind of sacrifices and responsibilities of becoming a mother against the kind of freedoms that we now have the opportunity to go after in our lives. So I think that's something that when I get that kind of

feedback, it often does feel like a projection. I think there can be quite a lot of envy in those kind of comments as well. Maybe if someone is feeling a bit like, I don't enjoy this nearly as much as I should do, or the love actually doesn't make up for all the sacrifices, but they're not allowed to say that. Or you don't feel the love that everyone's telling you you're going to feel. You don't feel that you experience a terrible case of postpartum or you don't feel that connection to your baby that everyone tells you you're supposed to feel. And then you feel like something's wrong with you. And then you feel like it's a whole game of shame. Also parenting, you feel like you never know that

you're doing the right thing. I mean this is the feedback I've heard in books I've read. Like you never know what you're doing, you know, if you're doing the right thing. And the idea that every woman is supposed to have a baby isn't taking into account the baby. You're supposed to have a baby and then the baby suffers because you're not prepared or interested in the way that – like it is such a thoughtful process to come to the conclusion that it's not for you. It should be such a thoughtful process to come to the conclusion that it is. There are so many women that talk about, I don't know if I want one, but I'm going to freeze my eggs. And I don't know. I don't know. It's like, if you don't know, then maybe you don't, you don't, then you shouldn't have a kid. You have to be 150%

on board with having a child, not be like, oh, I have these eggs. Guess, you know what? I'm going to be 40. I'm going to just try. I think that is just such a mistake for so many people. And that's why I wanted to write this book, to say it's different and it's equally valid not to be a parent because that doorway has been so closed off because it's been so stigmatized. Like if you don't become a parent, especially actually, if you don't become a mother, because I don't think this applies to men in the same way. If you don't become a mother, you have missed out. You will be unfulfilled. You are cold heartless. You are going to miss

out on this most transcendent, most important, deepest love that you can ever feel. You're going to regret it and you will die lonely, destitute and alone. And so when all of that stigma exists, that door to non-motherhood is closed off. So for anyone who's questioning it, even if they have really serious doubts about their parental readiness, like their capacity to be a parent, it's going to be so much easier just to go, I guess I'll just do it anyway. Or I guess I'll just go along with it because I guess I don't want to be labeled with all of that stuff. Or I don't want to take the risk on, you know, being this lonely old spinster. Although like you say, Chelsea, ultimately we all die alone, right? No one's going with us. No one's like holding our hand, crossing us over to the other side. And there's also no guarantee that our kids are going to be there. Our kids could

well die before we do. And also statistically, this was so sad when I read this, 60% of people living in old people's homes don't receive any visitors. There's no guarantee you're going to have the kind of relationship with your kids where you want them all to be, or they all want to be at your bedside, kind of like seeing you off, you know, onto the next dimension. So part of the point of the book, and I've had so many moms read it and actually feel really grateful or express a lot of gratitude for making them feel less like defective or less like they failed if they're actually not enjoying being a mom,

or if they actually sometimes want to still be the woman they are without their kids, you know, but a big part of the book was just about saying, hey, this is the most important decision you can ever make. It's one of the only decisions you can't unmake. So know yourself, know your capacity, know your choices, and act accordingly. Know your partner and know whether or not, I just was talking to a girlfriend last night. She has three kids. She's in an unhappy marriage. She's been married for almost 20 years and she's stuck. She's getting ready to make a move, but she has stayed in this unhappiness because of her children. And that in and of itself is like, hello, you don't know what the commitment is until you have

those children. And then so many women find themselves in a situation where it's not a 50-50 parenting situation where the women are fucking doing everything. And not only are the men not contributing in an equal manner, they don't even appreciate all the work that their wife has done to raise these children until they separate and then realize, oh, shit, oh fuck. I mean, I can't tell you how many of my girlfriends have left their husbands who didn't appreciate them, didn't value what they did in their child's lives. Now they're divorced and they have no fucking idea what to do with these kids because they've never had to do it. And so there's that element on top of it. So not only can children, you know, trap you into being a parent, which is the idea, you can get trapped in other ways by being a parent, which you're not even thinking about. You're not thinking your husband's not going to be a good father or a good husband or whatever. So there's just so much landscape to actually consider before making that decision. I know when you have a husband, I mean, then there's women who have children to save their

marriages, which is the dumbest thing you could possibly do. I had a girlfriend once say like, if you have problems in your marriage, children will only intensify those problems. They're not going to solve your problem. Because children just add stress. They add financial stress. They add stress in terms of your time, stress in terms of the equality balance in the marriage. Like, yeah, there's going to be ideally like some fun times and a lot of love, but what you're guaranteed is actually quite a lot of stress. And one thing I realized about myself is that I have quite a low capacity for stress. I also have a low capacity for stress I would like to say I also capacity for stress I'm like I can get really easily overwhelmed like if I have too many things in my calendar I spin out I don't know if it's ADHD or what I haven't like ever had a diagnosis like that but I spin out

really quickly and I get very overwhelmed with deadlines and having to kind of switch hats too many times during a day and that's basically basically parenthood. From what I can see, parenthood is going from one thing to the other with multiple different people going through different situations in each day. So like knowing about myself, how overwhelmed I get with that kind of lifestyle, I know that parenthood would likely not bring out the best side of me, let's say, and that that stress would then be transferred to my kids. And it just would be kind of a shit show. So I agree with that statement. It would not bring out the best side of me. Such a good way to put it. I also want to just say this is a conversation about child free women. And, you know, and obviously everyone who follows me on Instagram knows how

I make these PSAs about, you know, the wonders and joys of a child-free existence. Nothing I do is to shame women for having children. And what I'm trying to do is celebrate women who choose not to have children because they don't have enough representation. Nobody is telling women, yes, you can be whatever you want. I mean, there are some, but that's not the overarching theme in the society we live in. It's when are you getting married and when are you having children? So with the joy and experiences that I've had in my life, without having done either of those things, I feel it is my purpose to represent to the women who have

either chosen not to have children or haven't been able to have children, that there is joyfulness and happiness to be found in a panoply of other ways in our society and in life. So I want to make sure women know that, you know, if you want to have a child, of course, go have a baby. I'm not mad at you. I want everyone to feel empowered, every woman to know that the decision is yours to make. And if you don't choose to have children, there is nothing unvaluable about you. And on that note, we are going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer.

Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today.

How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really?

That's the opening? Really, No Really. Yeah, Really. No Really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really? No, really. And you can find it on the iHeartRadio app on Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. And we are back with Ruby Warrington, author of Women Without Kids. Oh, Ruby, also Sober Curious.

What the fuck? What is that? Curious about sobriety? Yes. So Sober Curious was my last book. So I had always been an enthusiastic social drinker, shall we say? And I got to my mid-30s and I started getting the feeling that alcohol might actually be a cause of some of the anxiety and depression and difficulties that I was experiencing at the time but my drinking didn't really look like problem drinking it didn't look like alcoholic drinking I went to a couple of AA meetings didn't really see my story reflected there but I knew that I wanted to make a change and so I came up with this term sober curious that was kind of less judgmental,

a bit more open-minded and would give me permission to just ask some of my questions about alcohol. Like, am I drinking too much? How much is too much? Why is there so much pressure to drink? Why are there so few decent alcohol-free options on every menu everywhere? Like all of these questions, right? And so that became a bit of a movement in a way. I started hosting events in New York, which were immediately hugely popular. And then I had a book on the subject come out at the very end of 2018. And that term has really taken off. And I think it's been embraced by a lot of normal social drinkers who've had maybe one too many horrific hangovers and actually really want to make a change to their drinking, but without having to give themselves the label of I'm an alcoholic or subscribe to a kind of a program

for recovery, you know? But so you drink. I don't anymore. And I now have got to a place where alcohol actually just doesn't, I just don't enjoy it at all. And this has been over like 10 years of experimentation and questioning and experiencing longer and longer periods of abstinence, trying it in certain situations and just getting to a point where I'm like, actually, no, it just makes me feel shit. Like even if I get a few minutes of pleasure, which now actually feels more like just numbness, the after effects are typically just so horrible, even just from a glass of wine. Like my sleep is really badly impacted. My anxiety is up. Like it's just, I don't enjoy it, but I've got there from a place of choice. Like I've got there

because I decided that's not right for me. And I don't want that in my life anymore. Not because I was in a program that was telling me I was an alcoholic and that if I ever picked up another drink, I was going to die basically. So it's just a more forgiving, more open-ended approach to addressing your drinking. By no means is everyone who gets sober curious completely abstinent from alcohol, but it's really for, you might've heard the term gray area drinkers. Some people, people who kind of fall in between just like can take it or leave it, never really think about it to more kind of like extreme alcoholism. There's a lot of people in that gray area drinking category who like

abuse alcohol sometimes, who sometimes can't control themselves, who sometimes drink more than they know is good for them. And so the sober curious approach really appeals to them. I think as you get older too, I guess maybe if you're not an addict, I don't know, as I get older, like I like to drink, but at a certain point it's not fun. Like I don't like to be drunk. Like I used to like, I like to be buzzed. I don't like to be drunk. Like I used to like, I like to be buzzed. I don't like to be drunk. So at a certain age, you just kind of like, you know, like I'll have a drink before I go on stage. And then when I get off, it's like, I don't want to have another drink.

You know what I mean? Then I want to like have an edible or something. My whole physiological response to alcohol has changed. But I guess that's probably not fair to say because I probably am not an addict. And so if you're listening and you're like, well, wait, I know it's different for everybody. So that doesn't naturally happen as you get older. Some people who are addicted to alcohol, it could get worse as you get older. And then, you know, it just continues to get worse, which is more typical, I would say. Right. Okay. Catherine. Well, with that, let's jump to our first caller who is sort of on this journey of sobriety. She may be a little bit more on the spectrum of needing to be a sober person.

So just going into it with that in mind. But Ashley says, I'm a 41-year-old nutrition counselor, lesbian, and self-proclaimed eternal student that has been in recovery from alcohol for the last six years. About 70% of that time, I've been able to stay sober. A relapse is almost always triggered by overwhelm or burnout, and never for a good time. When I'm in captain recovery mode, I dive into meetings, documentaries, books, workshops, retreats, documentaries, books, workshops, retreats, podcasts, and any and all things regarding neuroscience and addiction. I've taught recovery groups.

I've led meetings. I've recently put myself on Antabuse. I feel it's important to add I do not adhere to any higher power. There has been much lost and much put at risk due to this constant tug of war. I've lost a special partner and bailed on some major life events, weddings, funerals, even Chelsea's Netflix special taping here in Nashville because I put myself into a treatment center. I gave the tickets away to some very happy sober friends.

I'm just gut sick over it all. Visiting California a while back, a friend of three decades said to me out of the blue, Ashley, you've lost your fight. Who are you? That really hit me more than any therapy session. I suppose I'm writing to you now for more of the same. I'd love to get your take. Respectfully, Ashley. Hi, Ashley. Hi, Ashley. Hi. This is our special guest, Ruby Warrington. Today, she wrote the book Sober Curious and also Women Without Kids. But we're talking about sobriety for this call. Excellent. Familiar. Yes. Oh, good. Well, thanks for your note. It sounds familiar. And what I what I mean is I've heard this from many individuals

like this is it's a it's a roller coaster, right? It can take us in so many different directions. And just when we feel like we're really getting ahead of it, there it comes, here it is again. And I'm back here again. And how did I get back here again? And I know how frustrating and tiring and disheartening that can be. I mean, I think there was one thing in your letter that really, really stood out to me. And this is something that the Sober Curious approach is really very much about and so many recovery programs too. But when you said that you're drinking or your relapses are triggered always by getting to a place of despair, overwhelmed, just, you know, doing too much stress, anxiety, et cetera, that's such, such

useful information. It seems to me, and it seems like you do yoga, you're, you know, you're obviously looking after your mental health and wellbeing as well, but really like being very focused on that piece. Like what are the life situations and the circumstances that typically bring me into that place of overwhelm where I know I'm going to be vulnerable then and reach for that familiar medicator in those circumstances. That to me would be the really key thing to be working on and looking at literally what are the situations that bring me to that place and how can I work on ensuring that I encounter as few of those situations and put myself in as few risky situations with alcohol therefore as possible which obviously is sometimes easier said than done because a lot of those stresses can be external things that we don't

have much control over when I wrote that letter I was pretty I was in a lot of those stresses can be external things that we don't have much control over. When I wrote that letter, I was in a state of despair. I was two weeks sober. And now I realized that I was in the beginning of a midlife crisis, this midlife crisis. I was in a very anhedonic state. I was joyless. And what I've had to do is really be isolative and sort of create this chrysalis around me currently. First of all, nice vocabulary. Four solid words right there. I love it.

I just had to sit with it and it's fucking uncomfortable. It's been painful. Like I said, I've lost a lot. But I feel like something has shifted. And you hear that a lot in the recovery community with me. Something has shifted in the last couple of months and I am having trouble articulating it. However, it's monumental. This chrysalis is monumental.

And I still struggle with my initial question was how do you harness that inner badassery when you feel inept? And I don't feel capable. I have like a debilitating inadequacy, like an undeserving feeling. I don't deserve a seat at the table. That's what I'm struggling with most. And do you feel this shift that you're talking about, this chrysalis happening that's in your life, is this in the positive way? Yes. There's no frills to it. Like I said, it's been really isolating. in the recovery world they sort of that's not what they encourage you to do but I've had to do it I've had to do this alone

this leg of it and I feel a little bit lighter than when I initially wrote in I have some clarity and I guess the big thing is I'm I trust myself and I've never been able to say that but I still struggle with the inadequacy and again that can be such a trigger to uh why do I feel this way okay this is a little bit left field I feel like on this show I can mention this I'm also really into astrology and I don't know if you follow if you're into astrology at all no a little okay so there is I actually call it the astro life crisis between the ages of about 39 38 39 and around 45 there are a series of very very intense astrological transits that every person experiences they're the kinds of life experiences or they're bringing up the kind of life experiences and psychological transitions where we can literally feel like all of the illusions we've been operating under are shattered

everything we thought we knew about our life is not correct you're nodding okay you're relating to some of this and for me having astrology as a tool and particularly being able to maybe take my birth chart to a talented astrologer and have them kind of map out what transits I'm being impacted by can be really helpful because it gives some meaning or like there's something I'm going through I'm being asked to look at some of this stuff for a reason and best of all astrological transits always pass so that this too will pass it's very kind of clear when you apply the astrological lens it's like yeah you might be having a really intense like Uranus transit which is making you feel like your whole life has been turned upside down and there's some stuff for

you to look at it's happening for you for a reason and it's going to pass but you're going to come out the other side of it so i don't know i just want to offer that to you as an additional tool i guess potentially you know understanding that you're interested in these more kind of esoteric subjects it might be something that could be helpful and I also agree like I'm an introvert and I'm very insular and the typical recovery stuff about like don't be in isolation that's never really served me either I charge up and I find so much more self-awareness and comfort in giving myself enough time alone right enough time to actually sit with my feelings let my body process stuff through like just kind of slob out honestly and so i think don't beat yourself up about feeling like you're drawn to

more alone time and that recovery kind of message in your head going no that's unhealthy that's dangerous give yourself what you need it sounds like you've been giving yourself some really good emotional self-care with that thank you yeah there's, there's an element of PTSD from being so saturated in the recovery world for so long. You know, the 12-step foundation is built on powerlessness and, you know, accepting or admitting that your life is unmanageable. Well, I'm capable. I know I am, but that voice is so huge. I also think it's important that program works for millions of people, but that program isn't the only way to, you know, to quit something for an addict to quit because it's kind of putting it on the line each day. Like I'm sober today. Tomorrow is the next day. You know, the whole

kind of mantra of AA is like, I'm here today. I'm sober today. I'm making this decision today, which makes it like you have to make the decision almost every single day. Whereas if you make a decision to quit something that this isn't serving you in your life, you know, midlife crises, Brene Brown puts it down perfectly. She's like, we call it a midlife crisis because whatever trauma that we've endured comes and sneaks back up on us by the time we hit 40 and all of your armor, everything kind of falls away because then you're forced to face your demons. And that's what

you're doing. You're facing your demons because it's time for a new chapter in your life. And this isolatory behavior that you're talking about is totally fine. Whatever the fuck you need is fine. You can be, I mean, do you know how much value there is in spending time by yourself? I've had some of the best times of my life alone. Like that cannot be understated. You know, seeing friends is also beneficial for your health and your emotional health and all of that. But you can totally take breaks from people and totally say, I'm working on myself right now. Do meditation, get into yourself spiritually, connect with your inner voice, understand why you have a problem with alcohol

in the first place. That's the issue, not necessarily the alcohol itself that you're using as a band-aid. You have to reveal and release your trauma with a therapist, with yourself, with journaling, with writing, with reading books on people who've experienced this and come out of it. Like, it doesn't matter what steps you take to get there. And don't think you have to follow the format of Alcoholics Anonymous. There's, you can make your own format. And we're all capable of that. And you just said this yourself, you are capable of it. You're strong enough. We all are. When I went to get hypnotized for smoking, like he's like, okay, this is the mantra.

If you have a desire, it's not an option. It's not an option. I don't smoke anymore. I'm done. That's like a little thing that he gave me. And I'm like, I am done. I know it's bad for me. I know why I was doing it. I over abused it. So now I have to give it up. Sorry. You know, it's bad for me. I know why I was doing it. I over abused it. So now I have to give it up. Sorry. You know, like whoopsie doodle, you abuse something and now you have to give it up. The rewards are going to be so much greater in your life for going through this period of time that you're going through and for taking like the bull by the horns. And just because your journey happened to have some like slip ups or, you know, you fell off the wagon. I don't like the way that's defined by Alcoholics Anonymous either. So that's part of your journey. You did that. There's no self immolation necessary. That's okay. You fucked up. Hopefully,

it won't happen again. But if it does, you're not going to berate yourself. But you're definitely never going to become the kind of drinker that you were before. Yeah. I call relapses reminders. You learn something with every time that it comes back, that you're there again. And like you become stronger every time you listen and pay attention and act on what you've learned from each of those. So yeah. And also Chelsea picked up on that. You said it. I am capable. I can do this. How dare they tell me I'm not. That is the inner badass that you've been thinking you don't have. Like there she is right there. You know? I think also, you know, we always are just like, we have all these constructs that everyone's telling us about. You can forge your own path. You're strong enough. You're smart enough. Like

you're, you can define what your life is going to look like moving forward. And what I would just deter you from is this judgment that you are putting on yourself, because no one wants that for you, especially you. You don't need it. You don't need to be judging yourself. You're living an authentic life. So you've struggled with alcoholism or addiction or however you want to frame it. So has hundreds of millions of people and much worse. So it's not something that has to define your life. It's just part of your life. You know, you mentioned a chrysalis. But when I think about a chrysalis, I also think of emerging.

And I think you're going to know when is the right time to sort of like come out of your chrysalis and be around your friends again, whether that's your AA friends or other friends and enter the world again. But I think the point here is you will emerge. As a butterfly. Yeah. Thank you all. You're welcome.

Thanks for digging deep with me on this. I appreciate you all. Yeah, appreciate you, Ashley. Thank you. Take care. Bye. That smile is worth everything. Yeah.

That's an example of a caller who's almost gotten to where she's going and just needed one more push in the right direction because she's already there. I'm Jason Alexander.

And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse

to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly

mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's gonna drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park.

Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really.

Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I have a couple of questions in a different vein here. Our next question comes from Jay. Dear Chelsea, I'd like to start off by thanking you for always being an advocate for women who have chosen not to have children. You make me feel validated and seen and heard in a world dominated by a society that continues to value women becoming mothers over women prioritizing themselves. I'm almost 30,

successful, and live in a mid-sized coastal town in the South. I do the majority of my dating through Hinge, and I'm genuinely looking for a long-term relationship. I've always known that I never wanted to be a mother and have ended a relationship in the past because of this. Here comes the part I need advice about. For the past year or so, I've been bringing this topic up on the first date. I hate having my time wasted and give the same respect to others, so I typically start by asking, do you want children? So far, the answer is always yes. I wonder if they think that's what I want to hear, if it's a cultural thing since I'm in the South and having children is as normal as breathing, or if it has to do with their age. The average age for men I'm dating is around 35. But since I know I'm not changing my mind about this, I would never expect someone else to.

Is it possible I'm putting too much weight on this topic? I hate the idea of being the woman that a man dates before they eventually decide to go and find the mother of their children. And I refuse to believe that because I don't want children, that it means I have to be single forever. Do you have any advice on dating in my position or a different way to go about it? Thanks so much, Chelsea. Jay? I think it's better to be upfront before you go on the date then. I mean, to speak to your experience when you're talking to guys and go, just so you know, I've been on a lot of dates and it's been an issue. It's come up a lot of times that I'm meeting men who want children and I'm not interested in that. So I just want to get that out of the way. I mean, that's pretty like an aggressive way to go about it. But

if you don't even want to waste your time with a first date where you can kind of collect that information and you want to get to the bottom of it, I mean, then that's what you should do. You should just preemptively be like, just so you know, like, I know we're only going on a first date, so I don't want to sound crazy, but I don't want children. And I've been out with a lot of guys and that's a deal breaker. So I just want to see if you want kids, like maybe we should skip it. You could just be upfront like that. I mean, I think the more natural thing to do is to go on a date and have the conversation

then. But if you are sick of that, then this is a good way to avoid having that happen again. Yeah. Maybe stick it right on your profile, like not interested in having kids. Would you do that? Yeah, I think they should have they should have that as a category, right? I think it would be really, really helpful because ultimately, a lot of people are going on dating apps to meet somebody to potentially do that with. And so if you're not into that, I think it would be really helpful if the apps themselves had a category like what is

your what's your stance on this, you know, or put a picture of a baby up on your profile app and with a cross like a big x over it that's a good way to let people know perfect but can i say one other thing on this there was a question as well about like why is it why do all these guys say that they definitely want to have kids and i honestly think because it is the default to want to be a parent like we're kind of living in this culture which is very what they call pro-natalist like parents are seen as more valid than non-parents it's just like the normal thing to do I think that a lot of the time when guys are saying that it's just reflective of the fact that having kids and becoming a parent is seen more as like a woman's issue it's something that we are taught to think about since we first having sex since we first get our period as in like don't

get pregnant be careful you don't get pregnant be careful you don't get pregnant until you're such and such age and until you've met the right person right yeah so we're kind of like indoctrinated with this not indoctrinated but we're encouraged to really think about it from a very early age and I just don't think and I think that shines a light actually on how much more education there needs to be for men in terms of like the responsibilities of parenthood and do you know what it actually means to be a father in terms of like the responsibilities of parenthood. And do you know what it actually means to be a father? And, you know, so I just think it's kind of interesting that you've got all these guys who are immediately saying, yeah, I want to be a dad.

And it just makes me question if they've really thought about what that actually would mean for their lives. Yeah, I agree with that. I mean, I am surprised to even hear men say, yeah, we want kids, we want kids. Like usually I would, I think they'd be open to not having them since they don't do anything. Our next caller is Corinne. Corinne says, through doing the work in counseling, I'm realizing that marriage isn't really what I want for myself anymore. Same can be said about kids. I'm realizing that I'm absolutely happy being a cool and loving aunt to my nieces and nephews. I know that you can relate to all of this, which is why I need your help. Where are all the 30-something single and child-free people at?

I ask because two more of my closest friends are expecting their first baby, one shortly after the other. While I'm thrilled that this is where their journey has led them, it's not the same for me. And as excited as I am that I get to have two more munchkins to spoil, my group of friends that I can text last minute to see if they want to get away for the weekend is quickly dwindling. So some have suggested the app Meetup, which I have, but still feels a little iffy. What would you suggest to help me connect more with this community, Corinne? Hi, Corinne. Hi, Corinne. Hello. Hello. All right. You're here. Hi. I'm here. Yay. And I should mention that Corinne is a teacher, which is great birth control, I am sure. She just jetted out from class to come talk to us. Oh, you did? How cute are you? I did. Yes. Yes. Yes, it is

birth control, but it's also, I do love it. Yes. That's nice. That's great. And our guest is Ruby Warrington, who wrote the book Women Without Kids. So she is perfect for your question. Oh, hello, Ruby. Perfect. Yes. The subtitle of my book is The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood. And that piece, Unsung Sisterhood, speaks to this exact thing you're talking about. So often when you decide you don't want to have children, it feels like I'm the only one. And what I realized, the more I started talking about it, asking people about it, looking on social media for other people who felt the same way, I was like,

oh, there's so many of us. We just don't have anything to kind of like show that we're women without kids because what we have in common is the lack of a child right and there aren't like after school groups for us or meetup groups for us like there's so much stuff that brings moms together to find other moms but for women without kids there isn't that same thing and what I wanted one of the things I wanted to do with the book was to kind of start to unite us even just by having more people go hey me over here and what about me over here and like what do we need what kind of stuff would we like to do together like I can totally imagine a future where there are child-free holiday vacation companies and I don't know all sorts of things um that actually cater to

specifically to child-free people I did actually go on one of the Virgin cruises over Christmas this year, and they are child-free cruises. Oh, okay. Well, everybody on board didn't have their kids with them. And I'm assuming that a fair number of them probably don't have children. So the other thing you might be interested to know, as much as it can feel like we're the only ones in our groups, I think it's like almost 50% of

women aged 17 to 45 in the US do not have children. So actually there are far more of us out there than you think. It might just take a little bit of looking around to find people. I'm hosting a Women Without Kids retreat, like an in-person retreat at Kripalu in Massachusetts in the middle of June for the express purpose of kind of giving people an opportunity to meet each other. But social media is a great place to find this plenty of kind of like child-free influences. Yeah. And like where to start, you know, and like I said, I'm very happy that they're having kids, but my group of friends to hang out with is just really dwindling. I've noticed that the communication between us is definitely at a low because I'm just connecting differently than they are, which makes sense. Their kids are having friends, they're getting older, they're getting more

involved, so less need for me in their life. But at the same time, it's like, but I'm still part of their life. So unless it's for a sporting game or a holiday or a birthday, there's not too much for me to hang around with them. So where do I start? Go on my Instagram page and look at all the comments from women who are single, like on any of my child-free videos and go look at their profile. Where do you live? I'm in New York.

Oh, yeah. I mean, that's half of my followers'm in New York. Oh yeah. Go. I mean, that's half of my followers are from zero ground zero for women without kids. They're everywhere. You can go up to anyone in the street and be like, Hey, want to hang out? It's going to be, it's, it's once you start, it's going to just be easier. It'll all come together. But I understand you're kind of like feeling at a crossroads, but literally go on my Instagram page, find the people who are commenting about how great their lives are as single women, child-free women, and look where they live. And if they live near your area, reach out to them. I'm sure. What area of New York are you in? I'm about an hour north of the city. Okay, great. So, and Ruby, it goes the same for Ruby

Warrington. Go to her site. She, all she talks about is child-free and find women and go, Hey, express your situation. You're going to find so many people that are in the same exact position as you that are like, oh, yeah, you're right. And also start going out alone a little bit. You know, you don't have to do it all the time, but go to a bar. If you get invited by, like, you know, one of your friends from school, another teacher, like say yes to things that you normally wouldn't say yes to. So you can kind of broaden your horizons and find out what else is happening out there. Yeah, I'll also connect you with there is a group of child free gals in New York specifically that are dear Chelsea fans. I will put you on to... Oh, hello, Catherine, what the fuck? Why don't

you just open with that? Hey, look, the unsung sisterhood is out there. I'm actually moving back to New York at the end of the summer as well. I hear this from so many people and I know there's such a hunger to meet other people to just socialize and hang out with, you know, who aren't like covered in baby vomit. Or comes with like a whole nother baggage. And just kind of like sleep deprived. Yeah, exactly. It's not just the baby. It's the baby bag.

It's the diapers. It's the toys. It's the pack and play. I'm like, oh. It's not just the baby. It's the baby bag. It's the diapers. It's the toys. It's the pack and play. I'm like, oh, right. And I'm thinking about starting some kind of a regular meetup group. So if you go onto my Instagram and follow, there'll be news about whatever that looks like in the future as well. The last thing I'll say too is Bumble also has a friend mode. So you can actually turn it to I'm just looking for friends, say what kinds of friends you're looking for, female, child-free, whatever that. I think that's really on your social media. It's fine to be like advertising that,

you know what I mean? Being like, hey, I'm just here, single, have no children, not looking for any, but I would love some other child-free people to hang out with or whatever. Just get a little bit more creative, change up the kind of dynamic of your social structure. And I think it'll be easy. You're normal, fun, pretty, like smart. You've got everything that people would want to be friends with. I heard someone say this to me just yesterday. I can't remember the exact quote, but it's kind of like when your friends have kids, they'll disappear for five years and then they'll be back so remember that first five years they're going to be very all consumed with the newness and the sleep deprivation and all of the

things and then the more independent their kids are they'll be like hey where is she hi can we hang out so like don't give up on don't give up on them just because they're not available to you now you are living very different lives right now but that's not going to be the case forever like if there's a strong friendship a strong bond it's gonna last if anything I would say give them moments to like send them a funny meme send them a nice voice note I'm thinking of you just let them know that you're there and that you could not you appreciate that like they've got other stuff going on right now but like you're here and yes ready to hang and here for a cocktail if you want to forget that you've got kids for a night, you know where I am, you know, be that person in their life as well. Sure. You know, it's like the, like the pendulum right now it's swinging in this direction where

we're not as close, but yeah, it could, it's going to swing, swing back the other way. Yeah. That's a good, great, excellent point as well. And they're going to also need your help because you're a teacher. So you're going to have information that they're going to need access to when their kids are growing up. Yeah, it's already happening. What do I do? Or where can I find? What do you suggest? Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, all great points to consider and just take in too. Yeah. And be loud about your child-free stance so that you are attracting people that are also feeling that same way. You know, like that could be your thing. Like, oh, I'm child-free and single. I'm looking for other child-free people. Who else is, you know, and get activated that way. There's no shame in that game.

It's good to pronounce what you're about. Taking your lead. You're normalizing it. And it's like, yeah, maybe kids in a marriage isn't for me. And yeah, make it more known. Normalize it. It's okay yes cool well corinne you got your marching orders i'll hook you up with the new york gals as well who are the dear child yes yes yes please i would much appreciate that yes awesome thank you so much

we'll talk to you soon let us know how it goes thank you guys so much bye honey bye thank you bye bye ruby bye what a cutie she is i didn't know we had a fucking group of child-free people Bye, honey. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Bye, Ruby. Bye. What a cutie she is. I didn't know we had a fucking group of child-free people, Catherine. We do. We do. What are you burying the lead for? No, remember they keep writing in and being like, can you add me to the list?

I told you. I told you. And where do they congregate? I actually don't know. I should check in with them. But I got several of them together on an email thread. They're like, we'll let you know how it goes. Oh, let her in, please. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll connect her. I knew she was East Coast, but I didn't know she was New York. So that's that's

perfect. But let's take a quick break. And I actually have one more quick question for you when we come back, which is sort of the opposite of the question we just covered. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor.

We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you, and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts?

His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all.

Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really, No Really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead.

It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. We're back. Our last question comes from Jen. Hey, girls. My name is Jen Goad, and I'm seeking advice from a child-free woman's perspective on how much I should really expect from my best friend when it comes to my children. We have been best friends for 12 years, and to this day, she prefers to not hang out if my boys are with me, ages 10 and 6. I definitely don't think they should be around every time we hang out, but she has never made any effort to bond with them or get to know them. I try my hardest to never cancel plans with her, but sometimes I ask if it's okay for the boys to come,

and she reschedules every time. She does claim she wants kids, just not yet, but I don't understand why she doesn't want anything to do with mine, seeing as how they are such a big part of my life. Much love, Jen. Okay, well, Jen, as the devil's advocate, I would just say, are your boys a fucking pain in the ass to hang out with? A, ask yourself that question because maybe they are, maybe they're

very rambunctious. Maybe that really annoys her. I don't know. How old did she say? 10 and six. So probably. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's not for everyone. And while it's disappointing and I would always make an effort for any one of my friends that have children, not an effort to hang out with them, but an effort to know about them and get to know them or, you know, I don't need to be on play dates with them. I know it's your best friend and you want her to be more interested, but I don't think you can impose that upon her. Your life choices are not her life choices. And while you may want her to care, you can't control the way she feels about that. And maybe your kids are just not for her. Like, I don't know a lot of people that aren't mothers that want to hang out with a 10 and 6 year old boy. I don't. Especially ones that are not related to you. Yeah. Technically. Yeah. My friend has two boys and she's one of my closest friends. She's never asked me to hang out with them. Like, and it's not because I wouldn't. I would. But she's never asked me to hang out with them. Like, and it's not because I wouldn't, I would, but she's never asked me. So I just, I don't think that that's a fair request. What do you think, Ruby? Yeah. Well, I think that, I mean, I'll speak for myself.

Some people just aren't good with kids. One of the, I think one of the reasons I never wanted to have children is I didn't really like being a child. Like I didn't even know how to be with kids when I was a kid. Do you know what I mean? Like I, I don't know. I just don't really like being a child. Like I didn't even know how to be with kids when I was a kid. Do you know what I mean? Like I, I don't know. I just don't really know how to talk to kids. I don't really know what they're interested in. I kind of clam up around kids. Like I'm just not a kid person on any level.

And so, yeah, I kind of like completely changes the dynamic of a friend hang. If I think I'm going to be spending the day with my friend and then her kids are there as well. Because I just get really kind of self-conscious and sort of like are we talking to them and if so what do we talk about because I've got no idea and like there's also other stuff that could be going on under the surface right it could be that I don't know maybe your friend is would like to have children and can't for some reason that you guys haven't had time to discuss. And actually, she doesn't really want to be in a situation where she's constantly reminded that the fact

that she hasn't got there in her life yet. Like there's so many things that could be going on that that are kind of resulting in this. But yeah, I can understand how it might feel hurtful. It's a distraction also to hang out with two kids, like then you're not really hanging with each other. It's all about the kids. So like that's taking away from the friendship. And I understand she's saying once in a while. But I really don't think it's a fair demand of your friend to want to hang out with your kids. You can't make somebody want to do something. And I think don't take it personally either.

Like she's not doing it to be hurtful to you. She's just not interested in your kids. And I think that's okay. Just see it as time with her is time away from your kids. It's, you. It's grown up time. Yeah. Thank you so much, Ruby Warrington. I wish you so much success. Thank you for being our guest today. Yeah. Well, thank you for having me. I mean, honestly, Chelsea, after your Netflix special came out, and then you produced your genius, genius diary of a child-free woman, real. I literally was getting DMs and messages most days, several messages most days. Send Chelsea a copy of your book. Chelsea needs your book.

So thank you. I'm so happy you've got the book and that you're reading it and to have had this conversation with you and have had the opportunity to answer some of your reader questions today. It's been really great. Thanks. Yeah, it has been. Thank you so much. Bye. Okay, second shows have been added. For those of you coming to see my new stand-up tour, which you have to come because I'm having the best time, we added a second show into Cincinnati, Los Angeles, which is actually October 13th. There are still tickets for October 13th show in Los Angeles.

We added second shows in Chicago, the Chicago Theater, at Portland, Oregon, San Francisco. They're both almost completely sold out. Detroit, Michigan. And then we added a second show in Chicago, the Chicago Theater, at Portland, Oregon, San Francisco. They're both almost completely sold out. Detroit, Michigan. And then we added a second show in Cincinnati in the daytime at 5 o'clock p.m. I'm doing my first show because I don't have a night where I can go back. So we added a second show at 5 p.m. And the original show is at 8 p.m.

Original show is sold out. Second show, tickets are available, Cincinnati. I'm also coming to Cleveland on October 20th. And then I'll be in Columbus October 21st and Pittsburgh October 22nd. So those three shows still have tickets available. And you can go to ChelseaHandler.com for other tickets and other information. And if you want to buy some of our merch, that's all available on ChelseaHandler.com. And yeah, guys, I'll see you on the road.

If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really No Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to ReallyNoally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really No Really podcast.

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