Dear Chelsea - You're Lucky To Have Me with Bob the Drag Queen

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

Bob the Drag Queen joins Chelsea to talk about making RuPaul’s Drag Race a launchpad instead of a peak, growing up queer in Georgia, and when to use your bedroom voice.  Then: A Texan wonders how to quiet down.  A nonbinary lesbian can’t stop dating closeted women. And a cheating wife wrestles with seeing her onetime lover again. * Executive Producer Nick Stumpf Produced by Catherine Law Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert * * * * * The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com

and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast Hi, everybody. It's Chelsea, and this is Dear Chelsea. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. How are you doing, Katherine? I'm doing well.

I'm a little bit stressed, like pre-stressed, having to do a lot in a short amount of time because I'm going on a little trip to the British Virgin Islands, which I'm very excited about. Where are you going? Which one? yacht for everyone. Well, for her and my mom, and then invited me and my other sisters-in-law. And we're all going to go just have a girls trip in the British Virgin Islands and like, hop from place to place, hop from island to island. It seems truly crazy, but I'm so excited about it. Oh, that's awesome. That's a good trip. So there's a lot of work that has to get done before that happens. You know, it's sort of like before you take a trip, there's twice the work. And after you get back, there's twice the work, but like it's worth it. So you can get away and soak up some sun and.

And focus on being on a yacht more importantly. Exactly. We are, I wanted to say that I just recently got my clean bill of health from my doctor. Oh my gosh, amazing. After my episode, which actually I've never even talked about. I don't think, have we talked about it yet? No. We haven't. I was like, should I ask? Cause I didn't know if you wanted to talk about it. Oh yeah. Yeah. I'll talk about it. Of course. I didn't like to keep any information to myself. I was in, yeah, I was

doing one of my shows in Seattle, which were awesome by the way. I love Seattle's crowds. Thank you guys for coming. And anyone who wants tickets to any of my shows, the tour is continuing. It's called Vaccinated and Horny. You can get all your tickets at chelseahandler.com. And I'm coming to a city near you. We added a lot of second shows. We have a late show at the Wiltered in Los Angeles, Huntington, New York, Santa Rosa, California, San Francisco, DC, all of the places. Anyway, I walked on stage. It was my second night in Seattle. I walked on stage in front of my 4,000 fans that were there in the audience. And I was like, it's like my chest was really tight. And I was like, I don't suffer from indigestion or anything

like that. Like I've never had heartburn or anything. So I was like, oh, I must've, because I had a really heavy French meal for lunch. And then I was like, oh, I must have, because I had a really heavy French meal for lunch. Okay. And then I was like, oh, this must be nerves. I don't know. Like sometimes you get nervous and sometimes you don't. And I was on stage and I was like, okay, well, it's not going away, but it wasn't so bad that I had to like stop performing. I was like, okay, well, this is just uncomfortable slightly. So I get off stage and I had a bunch of friends there.

My sister was there, Simone, my agent was there, Nick and my girlfriend, Jamie, a bunch of people. And we were all going to the restaurant or bar in my hotel for an after party. And I couldn't, I was like, and if I can't go to a party, obviously something's up. And I, especially when it's about me and I was like, oh no, this doesn't feel right. I kept taking Tums and whatever. And then in the morning we were headed to Portland where I was supposed to perform that night. And I talked to the hotel doctor and I talked to my own doctor from LA. And they were like, oh, with your history of your father, my dad had a heart attack when he was 50. He had quintuple bypass surgery when he was 60 something. So they were like, with your history, you have got to go

straight and get an EKG and find out if everything's okay with your heart. So I went to this hospital in Seattle and they did an EKG and they tested my tremonin levels, which is an indicator of whether or not something happened with your heart. And my tremonin levels were slightly elevated, which said, oh, something happened. Then Irving Azoff, my manager, got involved and he's like, you have to go to the heart cardiology unit and you have to go to different hospitals. So they moved me out of that hospital. I went to another hospital where I had the best doctor. He's awesome. So great. And they did my EKG, but EKG is a snapshot of what's happening. So if you had a heart injury, it won't show up. So then they did an echocardiogram and on the echocardiogram,

they could see that there was something wasn't working in my heart. Like it wasn't pumping all around. It was pumping, but there was like a little area that wasn't going in and out with your breath and your heartbeat. So then they did a catheterization to go in to see if there's blockages to see, cause I have high cholesterol, which is genetic. So you can have plaque and that there could have been a piece of plaque that chipped or there could have been a blockage. And so they went and gave me catheterization, which of course I was excited about because they give you morphine for that. And he was like, oh, your heart is so healthy. He's like, everything's pumping. You have no blockages. You have nothing. And I was like, okay, so what happened? And then I was like, oh my God, did I have a panic attack? Like that's even more

unlike me, you know? I went from going, wait, did I have a heart attack, which would be so scary to did I have a panic attack? But no, I had neither. What happened was it's called a cardiomyopathy, which means that there was an adrenaline shot and which I think was me actually walking out on stage that night for whatever reason. And while there's a buildup and accumulation of stress, I think I'm not stressed out, but I learned that apparently I am and that I internalize it all, which I blame therapy on. Because before I used to just go off on people. Now I keep it to myself. But now I'm fucking suffering. So I may have to just go back to my old ways, but it's called cardiomyopathy and it's rising in women. Like in the last couple of years, I've been sent a couple articles that say in the last couple of years, women between the ages of 40 and 50 are, they're identifying

this more and more. And I don't know if it's a product of our hearts fighting COVID because of the immunity that we're fighting, constantly being exposed to COVID, or if there's a relationship to the COVID. Right. Or just the stress all of our bodies have been under for the last two years and the toll that takes on our immune systems and our hearts. It's definitely something that's happening. So it mimics what would be a minor heart attack, but it's not an attack. It's like your heart was bruised. So basically, there was a section of my heart that wasn't pulsating and contracting along with the rest of it that was.

And you wouldn't be able to even notice that if I was looking at it. But my doctor walked me through, and we were all looking. And my sister, Jo, was there. He had flown in. So it was scary. But then I was very relieved to find out that I'm just stressed out and I couldn't exercise for a week, which was music to my ears. I mean, minus the skiing part. And to take it easy and to really identify the things that stress you out that you think are

not stressing you out. But I just went and saw him for my follow-up visit and I have a clean bill of health and I healed and my heart is no longer bruised. Excellent. I'm so glad to hear that. Yeah, because I knew something was going on before you posted. And I was like, if she's awake, she's going to post. Of course, you know, when I heard that you had a medical emergency, I was like terrified that there was a skiing accident or something like that. So I'm I was glad that you posted. But like I could see you were kind of shaken.

You know, I think it's really cool that you're that open with, Hey, here's like the not as exciting parts of life. Things are going to keep going and everything's gonna be okay. You should have seen my sister, Simone. She's like, wait a second. Cause at first we thought maybe I had had a heart attack, like a heart attack. And I was like, what? I was like, and Simone goes, Oh my God, you're, she's the healthiest one in our family. We all need to get echocardiograms. We're all fat and out of shape. And she's, you know, she's like, if she's sick, then the rest of us are screwed. But yeah, so luckily it wasn't a major deal. It wasn't a big deal, but I did have to cancel a lot of shows. Well, those shows that weekend, which are, you know, obviously were

rescheduled. But so yes, to let everybody know, that's the story. Well, and I think it's really important to be an advocate for your health. Like if you have stuff going on, get it checked out. So great that you had people in your life that were like, no, no, go to the doctor, talk to the doctor, get it dealt with because that's so, so important.

Yeah, right, I know. Cause I was like, oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. But then I just thought, you know what? With my history, my father's history, I important. Yeah, right. I know. Because I was like, oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. But then I just thought, you know what? With my history, my father's history, I should listen to the doctors. Plus, I'm not – I kept saying I'm 42. I'm 42. And I'm like, you're not 42. You're 46.

And I was like, oh, shit. Well, I'm really, really glad you're on the mend. We have a very exciting guest today. We do. He's pretty, pretty funny. You know him as the season eight winner of RuPaul's Drag Race. And from the hit show, We're Here on HBO, he's currently headlining a comedy club tour. And he also has a podcast called Sibling Rivalry with Monet X Change.

And they will be on tour together this summer. Please welcome Bob, the drag queen. Oh, yeah. Hi, Bob. Hi there. Hi, Bob. How are you? I'm well. Good morning to you, Ms. Handler. Good morning to you. Where are you? I'm in Hollywood, California in my apartment.

Oh, my goodness. You are clearly not in Hollywood. Where are you? Well, with climate change, you'll never know. This could be Hollywood. You're like, I'm fully in like, this is you in South Africa right now. I'm in actually Whistler, Canada, where it is pissing rain. Yeah, I saw the video of you with the Canadian and American flag over your boobs. My nipples, yes.

I had to cover up my nipples because I'm a decent person. Don't you think it's a bunch of horseshit that men can walk around with their nipples out yet women have to cover them up and we provide food. I agree. I'm fully for the nipple. You know, New York state is one of those places where anyone can be topless anywhere in public. There's no laws regarding toplessness in New York City. There's a really interesting documentary called Topless Shock Syndrome. There's this photographer that used to go around New York City and she would just photograph people with her shirt off and she got arrested like four times, but then sued the city in one. Well, good for her. Exactly. That's time well spent suing the

city to show your nipples. I like that. Bob, first of all, congratulations on winning season eight of RuPaul's Drag Race. Well, thank you. That's a big feat, right? That must have been really, really exciting. Big feat. Oh, my God. Drag me.

Big feat. I'm never getting personal today. I know you grew up in the South, right? Yeah, I grew up in Georgia, Alabama, and Mississippi. Mostly Georgia. But I was born in Columbus, Georgia. And then I later moved to Alabama, Mississippi, where I ended up nestling down in Atlanta, Georgia, before going to New York City for about 12 years.

And what was that experience like for somebody like you who identifies as non-binary? Who is, were you a drag queen when you were, I mean, when did you start doing that? No, I didn't get infected with drag until I moved to New York City much later in life, which was really, I was actually surrounded by drag way before I ever moved to New York City. My mom used to run a drag bar called Sensations in Columbus, Georgia. And I have a queer uncle who I used to hang out with. I would hang out in his apartment and watch Too Wong Fu while he cooked me food. He used to make these great baked apples. I need to get that recipe from him. But then something about, you know, moved to New York city. I saw drag on TV again,

and I was an adult now and I was like, I'm going to give it a shot. But as far as growing up in the South being non-binary, you know, I hadn't really discovered the, the notion of exploring your gender until I moved to New York city and started working in the New York City nightlife scene. I was like, oh, wow, you can actually, I didn't realize you could, you didn't have to be what you were, you know, given at birth. What was attractive to you about drag? What drew you into that? What do you love about it? And what made you want to be a part of that world? Well, it's so glamorous, right? It's like, it's glamour, it's humor, it's camp, it is prestige. You get to be powerful when you don't actually have a position of power,

but in this bar, in this place, you're a queen. You walk into the, you know, on the outside, you feel like you're nothing. You took the train to get to work today. You know, you're, you're snowing outside and, and you worked a job as a waiter all day at the Jekyll and Hyde Club in midtown Manhattan. And then you get to this place and you're royalty. Everyone's offering to buy you drinks. And I mean, what could be more appealing than that? You get to literally be royalty for a moment. And do you, well, I mean, obviously your mom running a club like that in Georgia must have had a big impact for you, right?

I mean, that must have been part of the equation. Yeah, I reckon maybe it must have had some impact. I mean, I'm not a queer trailblazer in my family. I'm not the first queer in my family. I'm probably won't be the last. My mom was queer. My uncle is queer. I have a queer cousin who's older than I am. So I was just one of many. So it wasn't like I was one of those folks like, you guys don't get me. It was like, they get me. They fully understand because they're very much like me, but you know, I'm sure that my mom has some sort of impact in school,

but I was very afraid of drag queens when I was younger. My mom had a friend named Sydney who told me never to trust drag queens and told me that they were dangerous and told me that they would, he got, he got shot by a drag queen one time. He was like, drag queens are dangerous. Don't trust them.

And I was like, well, I believe you, you got shot. You have the wounds to prove it. Yeah, I think I was probably felt that way when I was younger, too, and wasn't as informed. You know, anything that's so different from what the norm is, you know, we're just raised to identify with and be comfortable with what we know.

So unless you're exposed to that, it would be like, oh, oh, this is something new. And you have to be very open-minded to be interested in something new. Yeah. I would go as far as to say most drag queens have not shot someone. I don't have the National Bureau of Statistics information on my side, but I'm willing to bet the whole farm. I can't speak for myself. No, you can't. You certainly cannot speak for yourself. Definitely not. Also, your show on HBO, We're Here, is awesome. Thank you. Congratulations on that, too.

What was your experience like on RuPaul's Drag Race, though? I mean, was that a longtime dream for you to be on that show in the first place? I would imagine so. Yeah, I mean, I would say definitely a seven-year dream at the time. You know, I started doing drag because I saw it on RuPaul's Drag Race. And I remember being like, this looks like so much like so much fun like i want to do this this seems amazing and then i really immersed myself in the scene but i didn't really think about getting on drag race right away at first it was just me in nightlife just like doing drag having fun it wasn't

really centered around trying to get on drag race until i can't remember i think season four was the first time i auditioned my friend was like you time I auditioned. My friend was like, you got to audition for this show. And I was like, you know what? I'll do it. And I auditioned four times before getting cast. And I would say it didn't feel like I could actually get cast in the show until like my third time audition. The first few times I was like, I'm just doing this for fun. Why not? But by the third time I was like, they would be lucky to have me on their show, quite frankly. Yeah. I think that's a good attitude for us all to take into whatever endeavor we're about to dive into, is that people are lucky to have us. Because that attitude does sail you a long way. It really does.

I actually posted in my audition tape, I said, you know, just so you guys know, if you cast me, I will win. But also winning Drag Race won't be the biggest thing I do. And they must have been like, this bitch really thinks she is some fucking body. I was like, I'm going to win this show. I'm going to do even bigger things, honey. This is a stepping stone for me, darling. And they were probably like, wow, this bitch is really either completely out of her mind or completely right.

And turns out I was right. And maybe a little bit out of my mind, too. Maybe a little bit of both. OK, we'll be right back. And it turns out I was right. And maybe a little bit out of my mind, too. Maybe a little bit of both. Okay. We'll be right back. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a space? We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.

Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you two? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir.

Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition signed Jason

bobblehead. It's called Really No Really and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What do you think, because I know a lot of people like me who don't have a ton of experience other than watching it on television with drag personally, what do you think some of people's kind of uneducated misconceptions are? So I live in this really liberal bubble, right? Like I forget that most of the world is not really up to speed with,

or most of America, I can say I don't know what's going on in the rest of the world. It's not up to speed with queer culture the way that I am. And it honestly kind of blows my mind. so i just did this ad for verizon and i also didn't and of course i'm on a show on hbo and when hbo posted our trailer the comments the comments it blew my mind i was like are there people really out here like this it It was like, gross, get the fag off my screen.

Mental illness, sick, gross, disgusting, nasty. And I was like, is that really? Is that really how a lot of the world is? A lot of America is? Or also, no, they're just a really vocal minority. That's also a possibility as well. But it really like blew my mind. People were like saying this stuff.

So then I was like, I don't know. I need to post this on my page so that people can like we can get some positive affirmations i don't want some young queer seeing that being like oh this is what the world thinks of me because i remember having that thought for a long time thinking myself this is what the world thinks of me okay nice to know where i stand so you just kind of walk into a world with a shitty attitude all the time because you just think everyone's against you yeah and that is definitely a self-defeating prophecy right yeah which can become a self-defeating prophecy, right? I mean, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy when you have that defeatist attitude. And you think

that that small group's opinion embody a larger opinion of you. Exactly. Exactly. So luckily I was, I mean, but I've also been able to travel to these towns and people think that when you're in small town America, it's just going to be a bunch of like Ku Klux Klan members coming to your hotel to throw you out. But in actuality, very few, almost no Klan members. I can't confirm who is, you know, they don't wear their hoods and out in public anymore these days. They're really not so proud of themselves anymore, which I love that we've shamed Klans members into like not being proud of their silly little dresses. Like, isn't it funny that I get to go out in my dress and be like, yes, but the clan members have to hide their dresses. I never even thought about that, but like clan members have to hide. It's like they're going back to what I was doing. Now

they're hiding their dresses in their closets. So no one knows they're nasty, racist bigots. I love that. Yeah. yeah well think about how pissed off they are they're like great all these drag queens get to go out and dress up like wait and rupaul's drag race is one of the most popular shows on television and we're not allowed to wear our white hoods out when we want to go show people what we're made of they're like this is bullshit i imagine they're sewing their own dress they're like i fucking sewed this dress to the fucking knives look at the craftsmanship on this goddamn garment. And I put sequins on my hood. Now I can't show anyone.

And it's camp. When you look at the Klansmember outfit, it's so campy. It's so campy. It's like if you could have put this craftsmanship and artistry into something positive, you could have really been big. It's also that outfit is really

taking yourself too seriously. You know what I mean? They're not having fun with that at all. I mean, there's nothing creative. There's nothing. It's just like, it's another example of why those people are so out to lunch because they think that that's a good look. You know what I mean? And that takes care of business. They could go for a rebranding. They could go for a rebranding, maybe bring in a Christian Siriano to just kind of look over the outfits and be like, I just have a couple of notes. I feel like if you just change the hemline, change the silhouette, you guys have really been rocking the same silhouette for almost a hundred years. It's

time to try something new. If you're wearing the same outfits you were wearing in the first iteration of when you were first on Stone Mountain, I think it's time to try something new. But what do I know? I'm just a drag queen. So talk to me a little bit about like self-worth, self-esteem. We talk a lot about this on the podcast. We're going to talk to callers who call in for advice on various subjects. But I want to talk to you personally first about where you lie with regard to your own self-worth, your own self-esteem,

how you became so confident. And if that is an ongoing conversation with yourself. So it's really, I don't want to say it's fake it till you make it because I do have confidence in some areas. And I like to focus on where I have confidence. Okay. For example, one of our common friends, Mateo Lane, who opens for you on tour a lot. Mateo is one of my best friends in the world.

Mateo is one of the most insecure people. By the way, I'm not spilling his tea. He says it all the time. He is a nervous Nelly of a gay man, just an Italian woman walking around with a mustache. Topless. Topless all the time. And he is just, I mean, like nervous all the time.

So he and I will go out sometime and I'll just be really bold. And he'll be like, how are you so bold? I'm like, well, I feel like, but then I'll be in other scenarios where I don't be really bold. And he'll be like, how are you so bold? I'm like, well, I feel like within I'll be in other scenarios where I don't feel so bold. For example, you and I were both at the Fast and Furious 5 premiere party on the Paramount lot. You and me? Or you and Mateo?

You were there. I was there. You were there. No, no. It was Charlize Theron's thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. You know what?

I don't remember anything I've ever done. I've forgotten more than most people will ever remember. So I'm looking at it. I was like, oh, that's Chelsea Handler. My best friend's obsessed with you. And when I say obsessed, like has like hunted you down around the world. That sounds creepy. Hunted you far and wide around the world, trying to come to your show, but then end

up like the, I think the in vegas or somewhere got canceled anyway and then also she came to the one in new york city but came late like got on the wrong plane and then tried to go to the one and i think portland and then that one got canceled oh shit yeah she's got it yeah she's got it bad she's got it bad so i i was like i'm gonna go over say hey say hey to Chelsea because Mateo is a common friend and talked about my friend Monet who's obsessed with you. And then I was kind of like, nah. I don't have the confidence to go over there and be

like, hey Chelsea, my name's Bob the Drag Queen and we have a friend in common. There are instances in my life where I have so much confidence, but it's what I know I'm good at. I know for a fact that I can go into a room, make people laugh. I know that I can turn a fierce look, but I don only feel comfortable schmoozing if it's my party. If I have a position of power at the party, I'll fucking talk to anyone. I don't give a fuck. I'll talk to anyone. But sometimes I'm kind of like, I just moved to Hollywood. So I'm really kind of

adjusting to what it's like to be in this. In this world. Yeah. Which will also do a number on your psyche if you're not healthy enough about your own self-worth, et cetera. And I think what you mentioned is good. It's like, it's good for people to know what they are good at. Cause a lot of people think, oh, I can't do that. I can't approach this person or did it. It's like, focus on the skills that you do have that you are confident about and use those. You don't have to be good at everything. Exactly. There's, there's nothing wrong with leaning into what you know you're good at. And also honestly surround yourself with people who are going to boost you up for what you're good at.

That's what I love about the New York City drag scene. I had horrible makeup for years. Chelsea, I mean, disgusting, bad, god-awful makeup for a very long time. But no one in New York City ever told me because they were all just focusing on how funny I was, how entertaining my shows were, that kind of stuff. So then I got on RuPaul's Drag Race, everyone's like bitch you look gross and i was like you must be you must have me mistaken for someone else because i i have on good faith that i look gorgeous like no you look nasty as hell you need to fix this whole thing but then i got back and i was like maybe i could have worked on that a little bit more but i tend to surround myself people who boost me up for what i'm good at as

opposed to people who tear me down for what i'm not great at yeah can't be great at everything by the way whenever anybody enters the scene of Hollywood you look a lot worse than you think you do because for the first few years of Chelsea lately I had the worst makeup I had blue eyeshadow on I looked like I had freckles all over my face that I don't even think were real I think she was applying them and I mean just terrible hairstyles and everything. And then it wasn't until somebody was like, hey, you need to get a new hair and makeup person that I was like, wait, what do you mean?

And because I wouldn't watch my show. It was too much. I had come from my show. I couldn't watch it. And then when I watched it, I was like, oh shit, I do look ridiculous. You know, so that is just part of entering Hollywood. Like you have to understand what the balance is

and how to look your best. Have you ever been in like full drag? Have you ever been in like full? You would look so fucking snatched and oh my God. But I feel like I've already looked like I was in full drag without attempting to. I want to put you in like divine. I mean, I want, I want someone to do it. Do it.

Put me in whatever you want. Let's do it with your girlfriend who keeps missing my shows. By the way, by the way, give me her info or give it to Catherine because where does she live here in LA? Oh, she's been traveling around. She like flew to New York city to be in the show. Then miss the flight went to port. Like she is traveling around the world to try to find you. Okay. Well, I'm doing two shows at the Wiltern in Los Angeles. I'll hook her up with tickets for that. Fierce. So, yeah,

that's not her fault that she can't book a flight and that she's getting her cities confused. But also, I want you to let her know and if whoever lets her know, if she gets a VIP or whatever, I need her to know that I'm the one who got her these tickets. Obviously. What are we going to do? Just come and they're going to fall out

of the sky? No, it's petty. It's a petty thing. It needs to be like, I want you to know that Bob the Drag Queen allowed you to come. Yeah, I'll even exaggerate and say you tracked me down. You showed up at my house to demand tickets for your friend, and that's the kind of friend you are, and

that she should be indebted to you for the rest of her fucking life. I knew I liked you. I knew I liked you. I knew I liked you. I knew I loved you ever since the first time I saw you. Ever since the first time you saw me, you decided not to approach me. What are you drinking there? A Frappuccino? This is a venti espresso Frappuccino with almond milk.

I don't order my own coffee. My boyfriend orders coffee and then just gives me whatever he gets. So he just doubles up on his order, and then I just drink whatever is handed to me every day. What's up with your boyfriend? Tell me about your relationship. Is it a healthy one? Yeah, it's Jacob. Come here. So it's, I have two partners actually. And right now I'm in the home with my partner, Jay. I don't know. He's probably downstairs or something right now. Jacob, are you in there? Oh, so this is my partner, Jacob. He is, he and I've been together for almost five years now. This, this is my cute little Jacob.

My cute. How are you doing? Hi, she's how you doing? All right, that's enough for you. Get the fuck out of here, Jacob. Now, OK, we work together on my company, on my podcast and my drag and my YouTube page. He's a photographer. He has all my photographs.

And I have another partner named Ezra. So I am polyamorous and they're friends, but we live separately. Me and Ezra live about four minutes from here and Jacob and I live right here. Polyamory is very expensive, if in case anyone's wondering. Yeah, it does. You know what?

It does sound very expensive and it sounds very time consuming, but I guess that's part of the package, right? Yeah, I mean, so there's this thing where we're open, right? So like, we don't, we're not exclusive. Like only you and me and it's not like that with us but there is this thing where i go back and forth from each place like literally

every day i'm going to leave here and go over to see ezra after this actually but then i realized i was like you guys each have like a day to yourselves and i am bouncing back and forth i don't have a day to myself so it is very time consuming but i wouldn't have it any other way i love them both so much I'm really grateful to have them in my life I mean I'm really lucky to have found two people who like uplift me and support me and think I'm funny and I think they're both really talented nothing's worse than dating someone I don't I wouldn't know I've never done this I have a friend who did who did it actually dating someone and you hate their art but you can't say it. Like imagine if you hated your partner's comedy

and you were like, this is, imagine. Yeah, yeah. I remember being with someone that I disliked a great deal. He wasn't necessarily an artist, but I dated him and I was in love with him, but I did not like him. And I didn't like anything, you know, that he represented. And I remember thinking what an interesting dichotomy to be

in a relationship with somebody who you really, because if you don't like somebody, you don't respect them. So you can be in like, or I mean, in love or lust or whatever it is, the chemistry can draw you in. But when you don't respect somebody, then there's really nothing to build off of. I agree. And Jacob is a really fucking great photographer. In fact, if you look on my Instagram, pretty much every picture I've ever posted is from Jacob for the last like four years. He's really phenomenal. And my partner Ezra is a musician who I admire greatly. He's a really great singer songwriter. And I'm really, I'm really grateful for both of them. So talk to me a little bit more about polyamory. So our listeners can have an understanding that

that is a respect full relationship on both sides, right? Because people obviously are super judgy about polyamory and don't understand it. It is true. I think most people's reservations around polyamory stem from their own insecurities and understanding of their own jealousy. And they say stuff like, I could never. There's something I stopped saying a long time ago. I think the last time I said I could never, unless it was something I physically couldn't do. I used to be vegan years ago. And I remember I used to always say,

I could literally never go vegan. When the truth is, I just literally wouldn't go vegan. I'm not vegan anymore. But I remember at the time thinking, I just realized I'm really placing this whole thing on myself. That's not actually true. I fully could. So I have two partners.

They do not date each other. They're not in a relationship. And that's a problem, right? That wouldn't be acceptable to you if they did have a relationship? No, that would be wonderful. I don't think they're really each other's type. Well, you would know. Yes. I don't think they're really into each other very much they're both very much bottoms and not trying to get with each other but no that wouldn't be a problem for me at all because you know Ezra my other partner has had partners while we've been together actually when I met him he had a girlfriend um he's had like three girlfriends since I met him and one boyfriend and I like them I mean they're they're really cool people you know and you meet them and you hang out with them. Like, how does that work?

I didn't meet his boyfriend, but that was during the pandemic. They were dating when we were like, cause at the time I was living in New York city and he was living in LA and him and his boyfriend were living here. And it was also very short lived and I never met him, but I met all his girlfriends and they're really lovely. I mean, you kind of just meet and if you understand that this is bringing your partner happiness and they're legitimately happy, for me, it is really hard to judge that or feel bad about that. In the polyamory, they call it compersion, which is where you get joy and love and a warm feeling from seeing someone else bring your partner love and joy. My partner, Jacob, loves to sing musicals at Marie's Crisis in new york city and one of my favorite memories

of him is on this cruise ship he was singing this is so gay he was singing uh jacob what's the song you were singing from wicked loathing yeah what is this feeling so suddenly he was just like standing there just like singing at the top of his lungs singing like loathe he's like an adulterated love thing i want you to i want you to picture jacob jacob is about five foot six he wears glasses he dresses in all black usually he's kind of pale he's like he's a jewish guy he looks jewish you are kind of pale baby and he's like singing this song at the top of his lungs. He was just having so much fun and just like really enjoying himself. And I just remember thinking to myself, like, I love seeing my partner this happy. And whenever I would see Ezra with his girlfriend

and they would bring him so much joy, it would actually bring me joy to see him that happy. I loved it. Yeah. I think that's a mindset that most people aren't comfortable with. They can't think about it in that way. And you say, yeah, you're kind of divorcing yourself from sort of any jealous feeling, right? Well, that's not true. I get jealous all the time. I mean, I'm jealous, but of different things. I'm not necessarily jealous that my partner has a different partner. I mean, sometimes I'm jealous if one of my partners hooks up with a guy that I want to hook up with, but I know that I'm not his type. So I'm like, oh, that would have been great.

But too bad. I get jealous when my friends get gigs that I want. I get jealous. I'm jealous that my best friend I keep talking about is losing weight and I keep gaining it. I'm sure this fucking FRAP of MAPA bullshit has not helped me lose weight. But, I mean, I get jealous all the time, but I don't let it consume me. I think that jealousy is a perfectly normal thing to feel. And trying to not feel jealousy feels unhuman. Just acknowledge it and move forward. Do you think you would ever open up your relationship? Would you ever? over here the other day who was talking about making out with some guy and she had a boyfriend and she was talking about making out with a guy and Joe, I was like, this isn't going to go well

because Joe has this like, he's Filipino. So he comes from this Catholic upbringing and it's very traditional. And it's like, and I just saw the cover. I was like, it was like a balloon losing its air. I was like, oh, this conversation is going south. But back to the jealousy thing with regards to your boyfriend losing weight. My boyfriend, Joe, we've been skiing for the last couple of months up here in Canada. And he loses a pound a day. Every morning I'm like, get on the scale. I want to see. He's lost effortlessly because he eats whatever he wants.

He does whatever he wants. And meanwhile, my body's atrophying and i i'm like listen if you need to stop because i'm gaining weight and he's losing weight and i'm like it's soon the two shall meet and i don't need our numbers to be aligning on the scale i'm like there's only room for one fucking hot body in this relationship and it's not you so cool it with the weight loss i'm like if you lose any more weight you're just going to be a voice that's standing behind me and no one's even going to be able to identify you. Well, with me, what made it so annoying is it's not my, it's not my, my boyfriend's my best friend. And when we met, I was so much skinnier than she, than this,

the one who's chasing around. I was so much skinnier than her. I was like a waif of a person. I was so skinny. And then I just, i'm older than she is i've gained some weight how old are you i'm 35 my friend is 32 and i think that that's just enough time in this particular age range where you kind of cross 30 where your metabolism really slows down plus my lifestyle has gotten a lot less active i was like really at working out and then i just kind of started eating whatever and i got depressed but then when i got depressed started eating started eating, she was like, I'm working out every day. She has this new boyfriend and she's like, I'm always going to fucking hit the gym,

which by the way, that will not last. When you first start eating something, you're like, I got to be so hot for them. And then after a while, you're like, once you know you got them and they're not leaving, you start to rest on your laurels, as they say. Oh, yeah. Once you start farting in bed is when it's all like wraps up.

That's when it just goes out the window. And I started doing that. And I haven't worked. I've stopped working out, actually. So it's completely true what you're saying. And I'm living it right now. Once I knew that he would accept me under any circumstances, I figure why not just let it rip then? I agree.

The last thing he needs to let me know is that I'm good. And then I'm like, woo! Woo! This is great. I'm so happy to be out of, yes! All right. So, Catherine, we are going to take some callers. So you know what we're doing.

We're going to give advice off the top of our head to just random people who need it, who just need a little push in a certain direction. Love that uh, yeah. And so some of the calls are pretty serious and some of them are not. All right. Let's, let's do it. Awesome. Before we do that, we're going to take a quick break for some ads and we'll be right back. We'll be right back. I'm Jason Alexander and I'm Peter Tilden and together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer.

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And we're back. We're back. We're black. I'm black. We're back. And Bob the Drag Queen is black. I am. Yes.

And I have been the whole show. I don't want to surprise anyone. You know what? We actually had someone write in to the Dear Chelsea project email and they were complaining that like we didn't have enough callers who were people of color or you know emails from people of color and I you know I just wanted to be like do you know that you don't know what race someone is from what their first name is or their email is or whatever like because I'm here seeing like pictures of people and last names and things like that.

And it's like, you don't know from their voice what race someone is. I think everyone can hear me. I sound black. And I understand that. I know that if you hear my voice, you know that I am black and gay. That is clear. I sound like what I look

like. But not everyone has that ability. I understand. It is a plus. It's a wonderful thing. Everyone should call I look like, but not everyone has that ability. I understand. It is. It is a plus. It's a wonderful thing. We should all just leave. Everyone should call and be like, hi, I'm a black faggot.

Anyway, I want to say. Yes. Yes. Kevin, your voice is so wonderful. I'm interrupting you to tell you how great your voice is, but you have a great voice. Thank you. That's so sweet. I have a little Midwestern accent.

So I've, I don't know, since moving to Los Angeles, I'm a little self-conscious about that because people are like, where are you from? Like, I'm a total yokel. I'm from outside of Chicago. It's just enough charm. My friend who moved to New York City tried to get rid of their Midwestern accent. So they didn't want to say like drague or bag. So it would say drag or bag. But then they thought that the word,

they thought the word vague was actually pronounced vag because of their accent. Anyway, sorry, go ahead. How do they pronounce vagina? Vagina. Well, that's what I'm going to start doing. No, thank you, Bob. I really appreciate that.

So our first email comes from Erin in Texas. She says, Dear Chelsea, I have a naturally projected voice that can often be the loudest in a room without my intentionally raising it. A blessing sometimes, but often a curse. How can I improve my self-awareness of this and learn how to, quote, mute myself without having to constantly think about it? My husband often asks me to, quote, mute myself without having to constantly think about it. My husband often asks me to quiet down, even in our own house, and I come from a very loud talking family, plus I'm from Texas, so I suppose I'm unnecessarily loud, proud, and extremely annoying by environmental nature. I'd like to improve my social communication skills, avoid

resentment from my softer-speaking husband, and not be the most annoying person in the room if I can help it. So what's the best way to work on this and retrain my voice to chill out a bit instead of letting it roar? Thank you for your time, Erin, a loud talking Texan who would like to be better. Oh, well, Bob, it sounds like that you guys might have something in common. Okay, you caught me. I disguised myself as a woman from Texas, and I wrote a letter in. I honestly can't tell if this person is black or white because I feel like this thing could be either. But I also feel like a black woman's husband would not ask them to be quiet. I can't fathom a world where a black woman's husband is like, can you please?

Just take it down. Not happening. But I know this type of woman, this Texas, you know, Texan kind of loud. Yes, I know this type of woman. I have had this feedback since I was a small child. Like I remember my parents would talk to me and they'd be like, I'm right here. You don't have to speak so loud. Chelsea, have you ever had that situation happen?

Yes. Yes. I do modulate my, because, yeah, and I think a lot of people have it. It's not uncommon. And it does depend a lot on your upbringing and the way that you were raised and how loud you had to talk to be heard in your family. So those are all qualifying factors that make an impact on how you turn out. But it is nice not to be the loudest person in the room. You sometimes need to be when

you're a child and you're growing up with six brothers and sisters like I did. I needed to be the loudest child in the room. But you know, I learned as an adult that sometimes you can make more of an impact without screaming. Where do you fall in the line of kids? Are you like the middle? Youngest. I'm the youngest. Oh, so you were like loud and the baby. I was a loud cunt baby is what I was. I was like, hey, everybody get the fuck out of my way because this is my turn. It's my show now. And my brothers and sisters didn't know what had happened. I was really just a nightmare. And I came out screaming and stole my older sister, who had been the youngest for six years.

I stole her thunder. But that was a childlike reaction to a situation. And as you get older, you realize you don't always have to be the loudest person in the room. And sometimes it's much more impactful sometimes to modulate your delivery and to be calm and to be a you know, to modulate your delivery and to be calm and to, and to be a good listener. You know, I think when you, when you listen a lot, you start to calm down a lot and you realize that it's not that you're trying to make a scene, but you, there is a part of you that wants to be heard

so much that that's worth letting go at some point of your life, you know, when you're a really loud person, but sometimes people just talk loudly and they don't, you know, Joe is a comedian and he's on stage all the time and he is partially, I believe, deaf because he'll wake up and I'm like, hey, fuck face, morning voice. It's morning time. Stop screaming. Or he'll play something on his phone to show me. And I'm like, ow, you know, can you not hear that that's not an appropriate indoor volume. So some people just aren't aware and are slightly deaf. So you might want to get your hearing. Yeah. Go to the doctor, Texas girl. I will say there's true, like feeling like the loudest person in the room does feel powerful. But then when you see the person who is the loudest in the room and it's not you,

you're like, this bitch sounds obnoxious like why is she screaming so i i will say being the loudest person feels good but observing the loudest person especially when you are loud and someone comes in louder than you you're like this why why all of this why do you need to be this fucking loud but there's a difference between like being loud and just talking too much i have always talked too much and i'm very loud but there's a difference between like being loud and just talking too much i have always talked too much and i'm very loud but my whole family's loud except my brother i have a very quiet brother and me and my mom are just so loud i don't even know how he lived in the house with us we are like me and my mom are very funny we're very quick-witted my brother is kind of like boomhauer

from king of the hill he has like a real thick southern accent but like a black southern accent he's like man kareem mountie you know he's, he's unintelligible. And me and my mom are like just zipping, bing, bang, booming all the time. But whenever I do tap into my quiet energy, it does feel powerful. It feels like, ooh, they don't know anything about me, honey. I agree with that because that is an exercise that I tried a lot after therapy to try not to be the center of every dinner party or every conversation. Like my habit of trying to be the center of attention abated a lot. And I really had a desire to listen, be still, kind of take in and perceive rather than output.

And that is a powerful game and a challenge for every person to do, you know, who has that habit of being loud and being overly, I don't know. I mean, there's a power in pulling that back and it's a good fun, like challenge for yourself. So. But isn't it kind of like hard when the person who is the center of the team and not you, like, isn't as funny as you? You're like, oh, I would kill. Like I would be killing if I was the center. Like you're not that funny. You're not that cute. You know what? I should take the reins. I'll be the center of the center. You're not that funny. You're not that cute. You know what? I should take the reins. I'll be the center because you're not doing a good job at it. I was trying to be quiet

all day, so I'm going to have to just lean in here and crack this room up. Yeah, or you get to a point where you are welcoming. You welcome someone else who's the center of attention because that's a load off of your back. That is true. I have a friend up here in Whistler who just doesn't shut the fuck up ever.

Her name is Ange. And you see her on the ski lift and she doesn't shut the fuck up from the time you get on the chair to the top of the mount. And then when you're skiing, you can still hear her talking. And I love it because I don't have to do anything.

I just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. I don't think you're going to say her name. I don't think you're going to say her name and give her a location. You're like, she's on the ski lift every day at 3 o'clock. Angela Thomas is her name, is her full name, everybody. Look out for her. And if you live in Whistler, you already know who the fuck she is.

We hear her on the ski lift. She is the Whistler. She's the screamer in Whistler. She listens to this all the time, too. She's going to love it. Hopefully that helped you, Texas. You're going to just try and play a little challenge with yourself. And especially if it annoys your husband, that's not invalid. It's not like he's saying he doesn't like your personality. It's just the

decibel in which you speak. So like make the adjustment and that could be a fun kind of like foreplay situation. You know, it's kind of fun to turn them on and be like, yeah, look at me. I got my shit together. I'm not screaming anymore at parties. Now you really want to get fucked. Yeah. Do your bedroom voice. Everyone has the bedroom volume. You know, well, except my, my, my boyfriend is, he speaks when we're having sex.

He speaks at the same volume and tone that he does when we're not having sex. Which boyfriend? First of all, Jacob, He's going to kill me. Jacob, the one we met. Yeah. He just talks in the same tone and the same volume and the same voice as when we're just like, you know, going to the store. It's very weird. That's funny. That's a funny thing to do. Hi. Thank you.

Deeper. Stronger. Yeah, literally. It's like, let's move over to a new position. In that voice. Let's switch positions now. That coffee's really kicking in. Yeah.

Woo! Look at him. He's bouncing off the walls. I'm normally a tea person, or I've switched to tea, but on recording days, I do coffee as well. I wish I didn't hate tea so much. I wish I didn't find tea so much. I wish I didn't find tea so fucking boring. It's just

so boring. Well, try the tea with milk. What's that? English tea. No, it's like a like a chai? A chai! Chai is great tea. That's good stuff. Oh, I like chai. I have chais when I go to Starbucks because I'm not really a coffee drinker either. But when I do

have tea at a restaurant, like when someone orders tea, I'm like, oh, that sounds nice. I'll have one. And then I have it and I'm like, oh, this is nice. But I just never desire it. Oh, for sure. Unless you, Mary, go to the South. Sweet tea is a fucking game changer. It is not what you think it is. It does give you energy because there's caffeine in it.

But sweet tea is unlike any tea in the world. I am an avid drinker of sweet tea when i go home and i i can't believe i'm saying this but mcdonald's actually has really fucking good sweet tea put a little bit of coffee listen let's not be dishonest here mcdonald's has a lot of good options and they're all fucking delicious thank you for saying that because i hate these fucking hollywood types who like when you're hanging out and you want to go eat somewhere and you say Jack in the Box and they all look at you like you're crazy. Like, bitch, don't act like you don't eat fast food. I hate people who don't eat fast food and act like they're royalty.

They say something like, oh, I don't eat fast food. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Shut up. We can all agree that it's not healthy and that it's not going to help you in any situation be healthy or lose weight or whatever your desires are. But we have to all acknowledge that it's delicious. Yes. Thank you. Yes.

Thank you, Chelsea. Of course, girl. Of course. Well, on that note, we have a caller. Her name's Samantha. She's 26. Oh, on that note, we have a caller. Her name's Samantha. She's 26. Oh, perfect. Dear Chelsea and co, in 2021, at a low point in my marriage, I did something horrible and cheated on my partner. Even though the other man and I only slept together once, we had been

flirting and talking about sleeping together for about a year. I felt so guilty after I physically cheated that I immediately told my husband after it happened. It was rocky for a while, but we both really changed our lives around and worked on ourselves and our relationship and we're better than we ever have been. The part I need advice on is how to get over the man I cheated with. My friends seem not to understand how I could still hold feelings for the man I cheated with since things are going so well in my marriage now. It's complicated even further because the man I cheated with is my childhood friend's brother, so I'll most likely have to see him again at things like weddings, etc.

I haven't talked to him since the night we slept together, and I feel like I never really got closure. I know from my therapist that closure is something you give yourself, but I can't seem to shake these feelings I have for him, and it's affecting the relationship I have with my friend as well as my marriage. Samantha. Hi, Samantha. Hi. Hi, Samantha. I just want to start by saying nice try, Jada Pinkett Smith. We know that's you. No, I'm kidding. Sorry, go ahead, Chelsea. Yeah, Jada Pinkett Smith. nice way to disguise yourself as a white woman named Samantha okay way to fucking go entanglement yeah you have an entanglement okay so Bob the drag queen is in a polyamorous relationship so Bob why don't you go first and then I'll weigh in

from somebody who's in a monogamous relationship because these are two different perspectives well so I think that no matter what relationship you're in whether it be poly in a monogamous relationship? Because these are two different perspectives. So I think that no matter what relationship you're in, whether it be polyamorous, monogamous, even if it's a friendship or if it's a work relationship or whatever, I think that honesty is probably the best thing. And obviously you did breach your husband's trust, breach the honesty contract that you had together.

But the fact that you came forward and acknowledged what you did, that is, that is a level of honesty that most people could literally only aspire to. I don't think you even know how many people would take this kind of thing to the grave and let it eat them up. Or they hold onto it so long that it ends up eating your marriage from the inside out, not in a hot way. It eats your marriage from the inside out. And then the walls will come caving down around it. I feel like if you, in my opinion, if you feel like you can't let go of the person that you cheated with this childhood friend of yours, I, what I would maybe recommend is having an honest conversation with them. Let your husband know you're going to have this conversation, have an honest conversation with them and be like, listen, I can't communicate with you anymore.

When I see you at events, I will say hi, I will say bye. But you and I, we cannot talk anymore because I value my relationship with my partner so much. And I have a lot of shame centered around what I did with you. And it's not a proud moment for me. And I'm sorry for bringing you into this entanglement that I have. That was on me. I breached my trust with my husband. You didn't do that. That was me. And I'm acknowledging my part, but now I'm cleaning up my side of the street and trying my best to move forward. So for that reason, you and I cannot communicate anymore because I'm having a hard time in my relationship. And if your partner, your husband is obviously you two love each other because you're

still together. You know what I mean? And we all all make mistakes like everyone makes mistakes and we get to give the mistakes the gravity we choose for some people this would be a relationship ending mistake and for some people it is just a chance to bond and become out stronger than you did before you ever had an argument with your partner and then at the end of the argument you communicated so effectively and so well that now you are actually stronger than you were before. This is an opportunity. This is an opportunity for that, you know? Yeah, that's great advice, actually.

Not actually. It's great advice, period. So I have a question for you, Samantha. Do you still pine for this guy that you had sex with the one time? Like, it sounds like you have some little mixed up feelings about it. Yeah. I mean, what's complicated is because we've known each other like our whole lives. So it's difficult to let that go. And like when we were teenagers, we would hook up a little bit.

So it was, I don't know if we ever really like dealt with our feelings that we had for each other. And now I'm just like in a very committed relationship and that was not the time to deal with those feelings. So, but you don't feel like you still have anything to explore with him? No. Oh, okay. Well, then that's easy. Yeah.

I think you just need to follow Bob's advice and do exactly that. Send an email and just put closure on it, you know, for your sake and for his. And exactly what he said is perfect because yeah, it was one time. But if you really are committed to your husband, it is the most honorable thing to do is to be upfront, be honest, don't lead him on in any way. Just say, this is where I stand so that there is a button on it. And it's not just left open-ended. Because I find that to be a little confusing sometimes for other people because who knows where he's at. about your friend he's the brother of your friend right does your friend know about what happened yeah she was like directly involved with all of the drama and we've we have smoothed

our relationship out really well like we're on we're on a good page I still feel like kind of uncomfortable around her just because I'm like embarrassed that it happened, but she knows what's going on. And I think a good thing for you to remember is to just kind of take all the drama out, you know, don't create any more drama. There's been enough. So you don't have to explain to your friends, your feelings that you still have about the situation. I think extinguish it, send that email off and be done with it and act like an adult moving forward because it is a dramatic situation. And in order to show growth and to have growth, you kind of want to get that behavior out of your system, you know? And I think too, you really owe everyone that's honest, but more than anything,

you owe it to yourself. Like it has to be something- You owe it to Oprah is who you owe it to, okay? Because Oprah knows when we lie, by the way. You know, Santa, you better watch out. You better not cry. Oprah's around the corner. It's Oprah, God, and Santa, and they all live around the corner for you. And the thing is, you know, as William Cullen Bryan once said, you know, truth crushed to earth will rise again.

No lie can live forever. It is next to impossible to, when you tell a lie, you found this out because you were sneaking around. When you tell one lie, you have to tell another lie to support the lie. Lies cannot be supported by truth. Lies can only be supported by moral lies. And then you build up a house of lies. And then because everything around you is artificial, you don't know what's real and it becomes really hard. But now you're already working on the path to honesty, telling the truth. And as long as you stay on that path, I think you will be really, you'll, you'll be in a very good position. You

and your partner and this other person and your friend as well. And don't not be ashamed. It's not about being proud of what you did, but don't beat yourself up over it. Cause I can see it's easy to think of this as a series of mistakes. Like there was the flirting and then the texting and then the sexting and then the actual sex. And then the, the different, each position is a different mistake during sex, but just think of it as one mistake instead of trying to compartmentalize and beat yourself up over it. Don't beat yourself up over it. Cause just don't do that to yourself. You can be meaner to yourself than anyone in the world. Do not bully yourself. Yeah, the negative self-talk is detrimental to all of us. So you can use this to just say to yourself, okay, I was operating at a

lower vibration, on a lower plane of existence when I was acting that way. But guess what? I fessed up. I had my come to Jesus. I told the truth. And now I'm operating at a different level. And just remind yourself that of your integrity moving forward. And that's all that matters is what you're doing today and moving forward. Yeah. And I think when we get married, we have the sense of like security and, you know, the person that we're with is very comfortable. And you may find that like what you were after was not, it wasn't sex. It was this sense of danger and this, like Bob said, the flirtation, the like year of buildup to this thing. Because when you actually got to the sex, it wasn't something that was fulfilling or satisfying. So I wouldn't say to your husband

that this is what you're doing because there's something missing necessarily. You could, but you might try some different things like some role playing or some like fun things with your husband that give you that sense of danger, that sense of mystery, that sense of something new and fresh and like a little exciting. And that could be bedroom stuff or it can be just life stuff. Maybe every week you have a date night with your husband. So there's something new and fresh to insert a sense of novelty in your life, especially after being trapped in our houses for two years. Our brains crave novelty. Does that help, Samantha? Yes, it does. Thank you. I like your kitty cat that's coming. He really wants to be involved. Yeah, the cat is obsessed. Your cat is obsessed with it. I don't have a cat. I actually hate cats,

yours included. But cats are obsessed with people's computers't have a cat i actually hate cats yours included but cats are like obsessed with people's computers and like looking at the screens like getting on the keyboards i couldn't but i'm sure your cat's great i'm sure your cat's really one of the nice ones cheers to salem yeah i wish my dog bert would sit on ram in the back of my shoulder like that while i was what kind of dog is bert oh he's a big fat lazy asshole is what the kind of dog he is and who goes back and forth all morning long walking back and forth pacing until he can get his first meal in it's just a typical male bullshit you know i love dogs dogs are so good that's why i love dogs dogs just kind of like they're so simple they're just kind of like i just're so simple. They're just kind of like, I just want a snack.

Can I just have a little snack, please? And cats are always up to something. I don't trust cats. Cats are, they got some sneaky shit. This cat is actually actively plotting our demise. When we leave, the cat's going to go and give us a one-star review on

iTunes. I know that cat is. Anything that is trained to take a shit in a box and then hide it is a tricky character. Okay. Like take a shit in a box and then kick it and hide it. So not only do you have to clean up the should do be, you have to find it. I mean, I don't, that's why I don't trust them. They're multi-layered and they're, Catherine has cats too. She's into cats. Oh, I had a cat growing up, but I don't have cats currently. I just have a dog that seems like a cat. People would come up to me on the street and be like, I love your kitten. Why did I say that?

She just seems like a cat. Well, I think once you have a cat, Catherine, you've always had a cat. You can't get out of it just because you no longer physically have it. It's like being in the Marines. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you, Samantha. I hope we helped you. You did. Definitely send that email and, you know, move on to the next chapter. And let us know what happens. Don't beat yourself up anymore. Yes. Thank you. Thanks, Samantha. I don't know what it is, though. I mean, secretly, I just love, I mean, I don't like to hear people's pain, but I do love hearing about, like, affairs and interpersonal, like, you know, torrid kind of relationships.

Like, when people are dishonest or they cheat. Like, I do find that compelling. Chelsea, that makes perfect sense. It's drama. What you're saying is not weird at all. I am a messy bitch who lives for drama. I love drama. That's why I talk shit about all my friends as soon as they leave the room.

Is Sam gone? Is she gone? Is she gone for good? Yeah, she's gone. Yeah, they're never going to make it. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I was doing the bit. You see what I mean? You know, to that point, we do tend to have a way to over-dramatize things, right? Like a lot of people, like you said, we like the drama and then we extend the drama. Like where that drama could have been over, she's extending it because of her feelings and thought patterns. And she hasn't put it to bed. So as human beings, we all have a tendency, not all of us, some people are a little bit more mature,

but a lot of us have the tendency to make things more dramatic than they need to be. Yeah, that is tea, as the queers say. That's tea, honey. But not hot tea, because I don't fucking like it. It's sweet tea. It's sweet tea. Yeah, there we go.

We're all on the same page now. I'm Jason Alexander and I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you, and the one

bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir.

Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really, No Really. Yeah, Really. No Really.

Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Well, our next caller is Jess. Jess is 27 and is from Memphis. Jess says, I'm a masculine non-binary lesbian, and I could use some advice in the dating department. I seem to only attract closeted,

experimenting, or just coming out queer women that end up not being in a position to be in a committed relationship. What am I doing wrong? Jess. Hi, Jess. Hi, Jess.

Hello. Oh, my goodness. Jess, so adorable. Hi. Oh, my goodness. She's so adorable. Hi. You have been one of my heroes since I was in middle school, and I'm a little bit shook right now. Wait, who are you talking to?

This could change everything. Chelsea. Chelsea. You know what? No, nothing. Oh, shit. He just logged off. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I'm freaking out a little. Oh, that's OK, honey. You can. That's fine. We get it. We get it. Bob, the drag queen is here to also aid in the advice giving as well as Catherine, our producer, who I'm sure you've spoken with already. Yes. Well, we're just we're glad to have you. So I'll do some talking before, so you can collect yourself. Okay, great. I've heard this from so many people, especially women, gay women and gay men who are experimenting or only attract people who aren't sure if they're out of the closet yet or are secretly having sex with both sexes, blah, blah, blah. There's a really good book that we've talked about a lot on the show. It's called Attached. You should pick up a copy and read it because it's about creating

those relationships with unavailable people and that becoming a pattern of behavior. There's like three versions. One is a secure person. One is an avoidant. And avoidants are the type of people that you're talking about that haven't come to grips with their reality, and they're not sure what they want to do. So it's a pattern of your behavior for attracting these people and then pursuing it, right? You have to kind of set sail in a different direction and look for people who are really available. Yes. I know the book that's on my book list because I've heard it on the podcast and I do read up on attachment styles and I'm definitely an anxious attached person. I can be codependent at times. So it seems to be like this perfect storm of a situation.

And I definitely can, like, I know it's a bad decision, but I still pursue it because of like the dopamine hit in your brain if you're flirting or getting physical. And I'm definitely working on that. But it is really hard because sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the world going through it. It feels like a very nuanced experience that a lot of my other friends, even other gay friends aren't going through. And it has just created this profound sense of loneliness. And that's just really hard, you know, especially when you're trying really hard to be out and comfortable and like do the right things in life. And it's no one's fault because everyone's entitled to come to themselves in their own

time. But I keep getting into this pattern and I'm, you know, I'm 27 now, I've been out since I was 19 and I'm kind of like this year, enough is enough. I do feel like I deserve someone who's intentional about relationships and can like receive the love I want to give somebody. You know, I will say this, Jess, I feel like we as people get to decide what we accept for ourselves. You know what I mean? We get to let, we get to decide if we want to be introduced to the families, we get to the, we get to set our own standard. And after a while, sometimes when you've set a standard for yourself, but then you let someone not do this part and not do this part and not do

this part and not do this part, you lower your own standard of what you feel like you deserve. And I can't speak for everyone, but I know for me personally, I deserve someone who loves me in public. I deserve someone who wants to commit to me. I deserve someone who is not ashamed. I deserve someone who knows what they want. I deserve to not have someone figuring out their sexuality when they're with me. There's nothing wrong with someone figuring out their sexuality. There's nothing wrong with someone, you know, some people can't come out of

the closet because of where they are, who they are, what they do for a living. This is, and I'm not judging anyone for not being able to come out of the closet because we all have different journeys for when we need to come out and that kind of stuff. But I know that I don't have to be around while you figure that out because it is hard for me mentally. I can't sneak. I've been out of the closet since I, like you, I think I came out in my, I was 18 years old. No, 17. I was in high school and I am 35 years old now. And I have no desire to go back into the closet. It's a very uncomfortable place. And sometimes you feel your desire to be loved can outweigh your desire to love yourself. Let me say that again.

Sometimes your desire to be loved by someone else can outweigh your desire to love yourself. But that's why the color purple is the best love story of all time. Because in the end, she doesn't get sugar. She doesn't get the love of Mrs. She learns how to love herself. It is the best love story. It is the best love story of all time. So I think you need to, in my opinion, figure out how you can love yourself, set standards for yourself and don't let, because if

you break your own standards, if you're willing to break your own standards, you'll let other people just plow through them. You'll let other people just treat you any kind of way they want, because they're like, well, obviously they don't consider their own standards. They're letting anything fly. So I'll just, I can do whatever I want to. It's kind of like, you ever been in someone's house and the house is kind of messy? When the house is kind of messy, you'll just fucking put your shit anywhere. You don't care. You don't feel

the need to be nice in this house. When you go to a house and the house is pristine, you will take your shoes off before you even get inside. You walk around, you tiptoe, you clean everything. You don't want to leave smudging anything because you're like, wow, this person really cares for their house. And when their house is a mess, you're like, fuck this fucking house. I don't give a fuck about this house. They don't even give a fuck about it. But you are your own house. Yeah, that's great advice. And I actually have a twin brother who is also gay. And my mom,

who, by the way, she and my brother love you, Chelsea, so much, and they say hi, have been so supportive and amazing to me. It's sometimes hard to relate to these other women who have homophobic parents or transphobic parents and just don't have any position to really be out and it's sort of makes me crazy. I'm like, just come out. Then we can be out and open and it's fine, but they're not in a position to do that. And I think I do need to be more empathetic about that, but I tend to let the experience still into my life. And then I feel resentful. You can be empathetic, but you don't have to be present for it. You don't have to, it is not your duty to assist people through coming out. That is not your job. You can decide if you want to do it, but you don't have to do that. That is, you are not their, their, their gay counselor. You're, you're not, that's not your job. I fucking feel like it, but you don't have to do that. There we go. That's that kind of attitude you need to have because it's exactly, it's exactly

right. You're choosing to be a part of something that you don't need to be a part of. You can totally be empathetic to their experiences, but you don't need to witness it. You're at a different spot. You are out. You do have support. You're ready for a healthy, committed relationship. So, you know, in that book, they say anxious goes to avoid it because they like that codependency. They like that chasing, that chasing, the chasing and never

really getting what you desire. So you have to flip the script on that and you have to decide that is no longer enough for you. What you're looking for and be intentional about it. There's no harm in saying to people right out of the gate, listen, I'm only interested in being out with you or going on a date with you or meeting for coffee or whatever you're going to do for a date, if you're out and ready and open to being in a relationship with someone, that doesn't mean we're going to get married or we're even going to be in a relationship, but that's what page I'm on. And I want to meet somebody of the same nature. And even saying that out loud to yourself is going to be helpful for a while, you know, until you start living that truth. Being codependent can be very scary because feeling like you need something, in my opinion, that's not a healthy bond.

It's kind of like when you're told by the doctor that you have to do something versus you wanting to do it. I hate working out. I don't love it. I feel like I have to do it so I can feel good in this industry. It's not like a really I'm like, oh, I just love. And people who love going to the gym, you can, there's a clear difference in people who love it and people who feel like they need to do it. You can see it on their faces at the gym. And it's not just that it's an, it's an all facets of your life. Codependency is really tough. I don't know if you've ever heard of Al-Anon or CODA, but if you'd ever heard of CODA, CODA is a great program

for people. It's a 12-step program for people who are struggling with being codependent because that shit is tough. That's me to a T. And I, even just this past year, I lay in bed at night. I'm like, shit, that really is me. And it's sort of embarrassing to admit, but it's very true. It's like withdrawal. If you don't't feel needed by someone and in particular, like romantic relationships for me, it can really plummet my mood. And I'm just like, good God, that's not fucking it. I do not want to live a life that my mood is so dependent on these situations that have these patterns that I know I'm not a stupid person are not healthy and not good for me.

And, you know, I'm 27 now. I do want to get out of that loop for sure. By the way, 27, 37, 47, I just turned 47. Seven is a lucky number and it's a good time for change. Seven year cycles. You know, a lot of things are seven year cycles. That's the seven year itch, seven year growth hair cycles. There's so many thingsyear itch, seven-year growth hair cycles. There's so many things that applies to it. Seven rings, Ariana Grande, big hit. Seventh heaven. Seventh heaven, great show.

But so you're 27. You have every opportunity to change your patterns of behavior. So it's a huge opportunity right now. And you should go for it. And maybe just take some time out in the interim before you go and set out with your new kind of way of operating in the world and operating and finding your mate. Just take some time to like, make sure you're instilling in yourself, read a couple of these books, get to know yourself on a deeper level and understand what your value is and what you're expecting out of this life. What are you expecting and what are you going to settle for? And what Bob said about your standards,

you know, you're the only person who has the ability to raise your standards. Yeah. Yeah, that's so true. I met someone recently at a friend's wedding and she was so openly affectionate towards me. I couldn't receive it. Like I was uncomfortable and her and I had to have a conversation about that. And I was like, look, I know we're not in a committed relationship or, or in love or any, anything like that. But you reminded me that I do deserve open and honest and sincere affection without all the noise in the background. And I just feel like I haven't, not even, I haven't had that in a long time. I just feel like I haven't had that. And it was sort of a, I don't know if it was an aha moment or a wake up call, but just one little moment in life where

I'm like, I'm doing this wrong and I, I can change it. No one else can. And I need to start doing the steps to do that. One day you'll get the open affection that you deserve. And you're going to be like, I can't believe I ever settled for anything less than this. You're going to be like, I will never, ever go back to that. I didn't even know it could be this great on the other side. I can relate to what you're saying completely. That's exactly my relationship with Joe. He's so overly affectionate. He's so, well, not overly, he's perfectly affectionate.

But in the beginning, I was like, cool it, buddy. Get the fuck off of me. You know, we're out in public. I don't want to be tongue kissing you. And all of the things that I have judgments about, I mean, I still would rather not tongue kiss in public, but you know what I'm saying? I had all these kind of like, ew, no, this isn't

cool. This is too much. And then you're realizing this person loves me. They're all over me because they love me. And then six weeks into the relationship, we flew from New York to LA and I sat in his lap an entire plane ride. So talk about breaking my own rules. You have to realize, oh, I am worthy of you're all your judgments about all of that are not necessarily accurate it's just what where you are in your life right now so you can easily change course were you flying private that's a great question if we were flying private it wouldn't have been a pertinent story would it have been because who gives a shit if i was sitting on his lap on a private plane? We were flying commercially.

Sitting in someone's lap on a Delta flight in the flight and it's like. Yeah. They, and to five, five and a half hours, I sat on his lap and just like, why we watched movies on his lap. And I was like,

I'm breaking every single rule and I'm Chelsea Handler. So I don't need to be fucking like vulnerable like that in front of people, you know, especially flight attendants. They respect me. They know my game. So, you know, you just, you just have to understand that we all deserve to be adored in that way. And you can do whatever the hell you want that makes you happy. Yeah. And that I'm not just someone to give someone like a first good queer experience. And then they're like bye-bye right you know i deserve someone to to really stay i i think and i hope and i'm trying to believe that we all deserve to sit in joe coy's lap on a commercial flight los angeles do you want to start out doing that i can

send you on a flight with joe coy and you can sit on his lap and then we can start you dating again okay that will change my game a little bit, but I'm down. Yeah. Well, that will transition you into a different level of self-adoration for sure. Awesome. Thank you so much, Jess. Oh my God. Thank you so much. So keep us posted. Let us know when you're in love. Okay. I certainly will. Hopefully it's sooner than later. Yeah. And then we can bring her on and we could talk about public displays of affection okay we can do that okay take care thank you so much

you've got this bye everyone bye 27 years old I have a question would you rather fight one 27 year old or seven 20 year olds fight one 27 year old or seven 20 year olds or 27 year olds fight them physically one 27 year old or seven 20 year olds or 27 year olds fight them physically physically

one 27 year old is seven you can take out seven year old there's seven oh 27 year old i don't want to fight a seven year old i mean that's not gonna look good you know what i mean i'd rather just kick a 27 year old's ass and be done with it would you rather get beat up by a specific like if it was publicly like you're out in public, you would, like the image of Chelsea Handler beating up 27 year olds is not, it's not good PR. It's not good.

No, that would not be a good look for me. Them beating me up would be a better look for me. Chelsea Handler allows 27 year olds to pummel her to a bloody pulp on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah. Right next to my star that I don't have. Well, let's take a quick break

and we'll be right back to wrap up with Bob the Drag Queen and Chelsea. Okay, we'll be right back with Bob and his cat. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like And I'm Peter Tilden. dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth plus does tom cruise really do his own stunts his stuntman reveals the answer and you never know who's going to drop by mr brian

kranson is with us how are you hello my friend wayne knight about jurassic park wayne knight welcome to really no really sir bless you all hello newman and you never know when howie mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really? No, really. Yeah, really. No, really. Go to reallynoreally.com.

And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really? No, Really? And you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, we're back from break, you guys. I'm back with Bob the Drag Queen

and my co-host, Catherine. And we're at the end of our hour. So, do we have any last-minute business, Catherine? Bob, do you have any advice you'd like to ask Chelsea for? Yeah, I do, actually. So, I'm relatively new to the Hollywood scene.

I just moved to Hollywood. I've only been working in film for maybe seven years now, which is actually pretty young. And, and I, and I have a lot of friends who are like getting some big moments and I sometimes get really jealous, but I'm also happy for them. Like I'm happy, but then there are certain friends, certain friends. When I see them get success, I'm like, what a bitch, like what a bitch. And I'm toying the line between like wanting to be happy for them and also wanting this myself and not wanting to sell myself out to be a Hollywood type because I want to meet new people but I also like have a hard time you know like I said I couldn't even come up to you at the thing

and be like hey I'm Bob I just moved here let's go have boba you know what I mean so what is your advice for someone for a young starlet like me breaking into the Hollywood scene who's willing to do anything to get cast in a movie? Well, first, I would like to say that I had boba for the first time a couple of months ago, and I choked on those balls. And the fact that you have to suck balls through a straw is going backwards for me. So I'm not going to have boba again, and I don't care who that offends. Secondly, I would say that jealousy you said yourself at the beginning of this episode, is a natural human feeling. It's not something you can avoid.

It's only something that you can promise yourself not to act on, right? Like you don't want to act in jealousy. You don't want to act in envy. You can have those feelings. They're natural. They happen to everybody. There are so many people,

and it's not your decision whether or not somebody else succeeds anyway. That's not up to you. So the coolest way you can be is to accept everybody's got their own path and that means you too. I think when you can't be happy for other people and their success, it's hard to accumulate your own. That is very true.

So that's something I like to remember. Even if it's someone you're not that great with or somebody that's fucked you over, it's just cooler and better to be like, good for them. Good for them. Yeah. Do you need any advice from me, Chelsea?

I mean, you've given me so much already. I mean, first of all, I've changed my coffee drink. And now I'm getting a frappuccino with almond milk. I'm going to take another lover. I have to tell Joe when he gets back, he's going to be pissed because he's the one who set up my computer for this podcast this morning. And then he's going to come back and I'm going to tell him it's time for us to also open up our relationship.

And I'm just going to start doing drag. Well, you're going to dress me up. That's going to be our next thing. So wait, what's your girlfriend's name who keeps going to the wrong show or keeps going to shows that don't happen? There's a drag queen named Monet Exchange, who is the winner of all-star season five of rupaul's drag race and is also good friends with me and mateo as well but i definitely i would love to drag you out i mean it's what we do on my on my show we're here like i'm you i'm used to putting people up in full drags and there are

certain people you leslie jones i really want to fucking get my hands on leslie jones because i feel like we actually look alike like me and leslie jones could be siblings like full team cynthia riva i want to get her in full fucking drag there's a couple people i want to get my hands on i remember i once said to one of my makeup artists or my hairstylist they had done my hair and in this like fancy fancy back bun like really intricate but from the front it looked like shit i looked like a bagel like you couldn't even see my hair line like it was and i go hey this looks terrible and she goes yeah but from the back it looks amazing and i go but i'm not backing into the show no one sees the fucking back of my head hello everyone it's me chelsea i was like what the fuck i was like you're're going to have to go.

Anyway, it was a delight. Oh, my God. I had such a good time with you. We had so much fun with you today, Bob. Thank you for coming on. My pleasure. You're an absolute joy. And thanks for your sagacious advice to everybody.

You gave great advice. Yeah. Oh, thank you. You're very lovely. I appreciate you very much. I am also a big fan of yours. And honestly, I think we can probably thank Monet for that because Monet has shown me so much of your work

and you're a real rock star. I always wonder who's going to play you in the movie of your life. Well, Monet's probably currently in South Africa trying to find a performance of mine and in the wrong spot as usual. So when she gets back, you tell her that we're going to get her tickets

to the Wiltern. I will do. Absolutely. Okay. Take care. Have a great day. Bye. You too. Be well. Bye-bye. So if you'd like to ask Chelsea a question, just send an email to dearchelseaproject

at gmail.com. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like, why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog

truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason Bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.