Dear Hank & John - 105: Fancy Diving

Episode Date: August 28, 2017

Is cake salty? How do I get alone time at a party without a cigarette? Where is the rest of An Imperial Affliction? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

So Hank, we're gonna try something a little different today. You and I have come up with a phrase of the week. This might not last, this bit might be stupid, but we've come up with a phrase of the week and whoever successfully works the phrase of the week in to our conversation without it being obvious that it's the phrase of the week wins the non-existent prize of the day.

Right, so the idea is, know like if people know that I've done it before you identify it, then you win. But if no one realizes that it's happened, and I don't know how we're going to judge that John. Except by being... Well, I think we're going to know in our hearts. I definitely think we're going to know in our hearts. Hello and welcome to Dear John and Hank. I definitely think we're gonna know in our hearts. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

Hello and welcome to Dear John and Hank! We're in it! It's called Dear Hank and John! A comedy podcast about death in which me and my brother Hank provide you with dubious advice, answer your questions, and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. But first, how you do and Hank? Oh my god, this is really distracting and kind of feels wrong and gross. I would say that it feels just right. It feels like the podcast is always going to feel after we don't get to Mars in 2027.

How are you? Good, John. And I just want to know, everyone to know that this is happening one time. And we have 10 more years of me doing it the normal way before we may or may not. Or or may not get a person to Mars. So Hank, I don't know about you, but I just experienced one of the great wonders of the heavens. It was pretty good. I also did, yes.

And what are you referring to? Because I think you might be referring to the solar eclipse. I was, correct. I am referring to how it feels when you look directly up into the sky and rain falls into your eye. I looked directly up into the sky and a lot of photons from the sun fell directly into my eye. Because I am that guy who is like, but if you look at it for just a second, it's okay. Well, I don't wanna get into the,

I mean, talk about dubious advice. Hanks dubious advice, stared directly at the sun. If you look for a little bit, it's fine. It's true, I mean, it's true. If you look for a little bit, it's fine. And I also had a Clips Glass. As I went to the office and and we had donuts and everybody, we had a good time looking at the eclipse.

And the thing though, I was most surprised by, I think this is the closest I've ever gotten to a full eclipse. I was about 90% of the sun was included in Mizzoula, and it got cold. Like you went inside to get their hoodies. Yeah. Well, we had like,

like, seven percent here in Indianapolis. Oh, wow, wow. But I would say also 85% cloud cover. The great thing though about our eclipse is that I kind of enjoy a mostly cloudy eclipse because it sort of came in and out of view. And then the moment after we were able to enjoy 97% of the sun not being visible, it did begin to rain huge drops directly into my open eyes.

You got to have those glasses on, John. I've made a horrible mistake. Can we answer some questions from our listeners? Well, John, since you started out, the podcast, I guess it's on me to do the poem for the day. Oh, good. So I've got a poem, short poem. This is actually an excerpt from a longer poem.

Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round. Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears. Turn around every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by. Turn around every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by, turn around every now and then I get a little

bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes, turn around, bright eyes, but every now and then I fall apart, turn around, bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart. I mean, there has never been a better time to quote the lyrics to total eclipse of the heart. But also I would like to remind you that you cannot again, this goes for everyone quote the lyrics to total eclipse of the heart until the next total eclipse. Oh my god. So is there is it? It's just Bonnie Tyler, like, like what's it called? Bonnie, so it's just like a Bonnie Tyler blackout for the next 2,000 days. For the next 2,000 days, that's exactly right.

Hank, we gotta get to some questions from our listeners. This first one is about the sky above us. It comes from Brianna who writes, dear John and Hank, how much of the sky can I see when I'm standing in a relatively flat part of the earth? I realize the other day that my brain just assumed I had a 180 degree view, but that can't possibly be true. I went to art school and haven't done trigonometry in eight years.

Can you please help me figure this out so my brain doesn't explode? Signed cosine and tangents, Brianna. Oh! Signed cosine and I like that because I thought it was going to say signed Brianna, but it said signed cosine a tangent. Okay, John Do you have a good answer for this one? I have an actual answer for us. You do have a good answer? I have an actual answer. Oh, I looked it up. My assumption as always been that You can see 180 degrees of the sky like you can see half the

Earth sky, but I did realize while reading the question that this is not something I've thought very hard about. So give me the actual answer. Well, so the sitch is that the, so we're gonna assume that you're standing on a, like a perfectly flat spot on the Earth's surface, which probably would be on a, like standing on a canoe in the middle of the ocean.

So that's just, Or you could just go to Indiana. Or you could just go to Indiana where they're just after the corn harvest. And yeah, so what you're going to see is it's going to look like a 50% sky and earth if you look around you. But because the earth curves away from you and the sky does not, there is actually more sky than there is earth. And by earth, I don't even start to apply. I mean, the sky.

So you're seeing more than 50% of your, if you did a 360 degree picture with a 360 degree camera, more than 50% of the picture would be sky. So does that mean Hank, that when I look at the sky from Indiana, I am looking at literally most of the sky. You are looking at most of the sky. Yes. Wow.

I mean, probably, if you're really on a flat spot, if you, like, the closer you get your head to the ground, the worse it is. So if you're on the top of a building, you can definitely see mostly sky, or most of the sky, and also mostly sky, both of those things. If you're on a plane, you see like 53% of what you see is sky.

And like 47% is land or ground or whatever you'd call that. So, but if you're just standing, if you're like a 5'6' person, you're probably to see about like, it's gonna be like 50.0 for 50.03% of what you see as sky. But you will be, and also, but you will be seeing most, I will you be seeing most of the sky? I don't know if that's actually true. I don't know that you'll be seeing most of the sky. I think it's metaporecy resonant.

So I'm just gonna stop you right there and you can see most of the sky, Brianna. You can see, in fact, you can see almost all of the sky which you're just standing up high, and you've got good posture, you can see almost all of the sky. That came directly from Hank. And now we've got another question. It comes from Amber, who asks,

Dear Hank and John, well, the 2016 project for Awesome was going on. I bought a mystery package and got an imperial affliction, which I was super excited about. So I just started reading it, and I have noticed that the entire book, except for the very last page is the same few paragraphs, but in a different order. Am I just, I'm just wondering if this is a mistake?

I love my copy and if it's a mistake, that's totally cool, but I was just curious what actually happens in the story. So if it is a mistake, could you please tell me? Thank you very much, Amber. Okay, Amber. I remember when I got interviewed by NPR about this, like right when the book came out, the NPR guy was like, have you talked to Peter Van Halten about what you said about him in the book? What you said about him in the book. And it was just before we went on air, thankfully. And I was like, okay, well, no, because Peter Van Houtton

is someone I made up. And an imperial affliction is a book that does not exist. I really like books inside of books because they can be better than real books. I mean, the great thing about a book that doesn't exist is that it can be infinitely good. Whereas books that do exist have all of the problems and insufficiencies of having been created by actual humans. So when I wanted to write about like, you know, that one book that you love, or in my case,

there were a couple books that I loved in high school, I decided to make the book up. And then when they were going to make a movie of it, they called me one day, the producer people called me, and they said, we need to make an imperial affliction. And we're working with this amazing graphics team who did work on Harry Potter stuff, and they've made a great cover. Here's the cover, and I thought the cover was amazing. And then they were like, but we need words inside the book that Hazel can highlight. So we need you to include like these quotes from, and the

fault in our stars version of an imperial affliction, but also right at least like four or five pages that seem legible. So that's what I did. I wrote like five pages, and then they just like mixed and matched those five pages over and over and over again in the proper version of the book. And then Fox printed up a bunch of the the prop versions of the book and then Fox printed up a bunch of the prop versions of the book for Project Frost and Perks. Only about, I guess, a thousand of them are so exist in the whole world, and I'm glad that you have one, and I'm sorry that it is not a real novel, but it is definitely not. What you have read is all that I will ever write of an imperial affliction.

And now you know, so I have two questions, John. First, the last page is different. This is a thing I did not know. I feel like the last page is an author bio or something. John. First, the last page is different. This is a thing I did not know. I feel like the last page is an author bio or something. I didn't write the last page though. Okay. Second question, what's your favorite book inside a book? Oh, that's a great question.

My favorite artwork inside of a book is the infinite jest in infinite jest. Gosh, I don't know what's your favorite book inside of a book. I was thinking, my first thought was Esmeralign Stern's The Princess Bride, Inside of The Princess Bride, but that's not actually how it works. I've actually broken it to people that Esmeralign Stern isn't real. A bond, yeah, it's very believable when you, I mean, The Princess Bride is such a great movie, but it is such a great movie, but it is such a better book.

It is so wonderful. It is such a wonderful reading experience, but it is a very believable sort of feeling, the abridgment. But you know, those good old Kilgore Trap books have always been a special. Right, I always love to kill Gortrat. Placed my heart.

Yeah, yeah, I was always a big Kilgore trout fan when I was a high school student. I loved the idea of there being these pop science fiction books that I couldn't read because they didn't exist. But I was reading almost in a way like Vonnegut's fan fiction about kill-gore trout. I just like, I love that meta stuff. I know that I shouldn't and I know that it's like a bad habit that I need to break, but I can't help but love it. And I do think that there's something about it that that that continues to speak effectively to our time. There's another question that we have here, Hank. It's comes from Ryle Freido, who

writes, this is an actual email that we received. I'm going to read it and it's a tired of you. Good morning. I'd like to pre-order a copy of John Green's new novel Turtles All the Way Down. I'm specifically interested in the signed edition. ISBN 978-0-525-55538-4. My name is Ryan Ryanson and the best email to reach me is Ryan's Ryan's Ryan at Ryan Mail. And the best contact number for me is,

I think this is the real phone number Please let me know if you need any more information best wishes Ralph Raul Freito So just a quick response to that That is the correct ISBN for the signed edition of Turtles all the way down You can find out more probably sign turtles calm and the book comes out in only 45 days Hank Wow, wow that is that that, that is very exciting. I am so glad that we don't live in a world where you order books by sending an email to someone. Hello, I would like a book. I would, here's the ISBN number. Please send it to me. Here's my address. Or

you can call me. That would be great. Well, I think the best way to order a signed copy of turtles all the way down is in fact to call your local bookstore. But yeah, there is something magical about online ordering. There's no doubt about it. Hank, in addition, we should say that in addition to my new book being available in print and online, also you and I are gonna go, we're going on tour. Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about what I'm gonna do

while you have given me stage time. And it's like, okay, John Green's book and now it's been, he's probably gonna read from the book and he's probably gonna talk about the book and there's two questions about the book and hangs here, what's he gonna do? And I'm just gonna be weird, John. I get to make whatever, I get to do whatever I want.

I mean, I don't get to do whatever I want. But I pretty much do, though, because what I want is stuff you want me don't get to do whatever I want. I pretty much do, though, because what I want is stuff you want me to do. And stuff people want to see. I believe that deep in my heart. I mean, I don't want you to do whatever you want to do. And people don't want to see whatever you want to do.

They want to see you make something for them, not something for yourself. But that's what I want to do. Okay, then it's going to be awesome. I am super excited. Hank and I have been on tour together since 2012. I had a great time on that tour. I am really, really excited.

I wish we could announce where we're going, but we can't yet. But I just think it's going to be, for me, magical to be able to spend time like all that quality time with my brother, and it is such a pleasure to see Hank perform. And it'll be fun and a little bit scary to talk about the book. We're going to do live versions of Dear Hank and John in every city that we visit, which is going to be super fun. We're going to answer your questions and

provide you dubious advice and give you all that days news from Mars and A.F.C. Whitford. I guess. Probably not. I mean, it will be an abridged version of Dear Hank and John, I think. Sure. Yeah. I mean, which to be fair is all anyone ever wants. I mean, it will be an abridged version of Dear Hank and John, I think. Sure, yeah. I mean, which to be fair is all anyone ever wants. I mean, my God. Who has ever listened to this podcast that thought, is there a way it could be longer? No, they actually have heard that feedback, John. They've heard that feedback.

I have not. Mostly I've heard, can you guys say, um, less? Hey, we edit out like 90% of the ums. You're getting the best of the umbs. You're getting our top quality umbs. They're, there are, now I'm stuck. All right, let's move on. This question comes from Joel who writes,

dear John and Hank, I started smoking at 13. That was dumb, but I quit smoking at 15. Well, I mean, first off, Joel, congratulations because I also started smoking at 13 and I quit smoking at like 27, and only after six years of chewing Nicarrette. Anyway, I quit smoking at 15 or so, I thought, oh wait, I congratulated him too early.

At every party I find myself outside with a cigarette in my hand, I think it's maybe because I like to take a break from the party itself, you know, get to step out into the cold Swedish spring or summer or fall or winter. Joel is a good sense of humor about the miseries of living in Sweden, but you know it's nice about living in Sweden, Joel. Literally everything but the weather. I like to have

a little time for myself even though I'm at a party with a bunch of people. It's also a great way to get some time with one friend. But still, I want to quit smoking. I'm 20. It's starting to feel juvenile. Do you have any dubious advice on how to get some alone time at a party without a cigarette in Vino Veritas, Joel? I just go to the bathroom. Yeah. Oh my God. I can lock myself into the bathroom of any party for at least 20 minutes and just be like, oh God, I'm in my happy place. I really do do that. for at least 20 minutes and just be like, oh, God, I'm in my happy place.

I really do do that. You do. Yeah, sometimes even at my own house, like when I've got people over, and it's especially at my own house. Especially at my own house. I'm just like, I'm gonna go to the upstairs toilet where it's all mine. And then like 10 minutes later,

Catherine will text me and she's like, you came up there and I'll be like, just fine, baby. Just doing all right. I have a lot of time in my life. There's some jokes on Twitter. You wanna hear about them? Exactly, you won't believe.

You won't believe what Donald Trump did in the last 30 minutes. Um, I just saw a really great cat video. That's, no, Joel, you, I mean, yeah, you got to quit smoking. So for years, I would go outside with my nickerette and I would chew a piece of nickerette while chatting with someone and just enjoying the smell of their smoke,

just soaking in that second hand smoke. I still love second hand smoke. Like former smokers who are like, oh, second hand smoke is the worst. I just don't understand because to me, like I am so grateful whenever someone is doing that horrible work for me. Oh no gross.

That's, I know it's dark, but it was very hard for me to quit smoking, Hank, as you know. Joel, here's what I'll say, it gets harder every day. I think that it will be harder to quit smoking tomorrow than it is today, et cetera, for the rest of your life. You're right that it's starting to feel juvenile. Now is the time. Now is the time.

Just go ahead, buy a pack of Swedish Nicaret. I bet they have minty flavors. Or better yet, just quit so you don't get addicted to Nicaret for six years like I did. And then when you want some alone time at a party, head to the bathroom. And then other people will start knocking and you'll be like, I'm sorry, I'm not actually going to the bathroom, but I do need to take my time in here.

It takes me seven minutes to smoke a cigarette and I'm going to spend seven minutes in here. Yeah. Or just go outside and like look at this guy and be like, oh, this is nice. Look at that. Look at this place. Look at this Sweden here. Look at all this great Sweden around. Look at that. Look at this place. Look at this Sweden here. Look at all this great Sweden around. Just go outside and like smell the smell of like, uh, you know, democracy, but still a social safety net. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And also a king. Do they have a king? I think they have a king. King Sweden. I googled.

That would be great if that was his name. His name is Carl the 14th Gustaf of Sweden. I don't know why they're like. I think we're all surprised that there's only been 16 carols. But how is he Carl the 16th Gustaf of Sweden? What does that mean? I think Gustaf is probably his last name. Maybe King is Carl and his 16th Gustaf of Sweden. What does that mean? I think Gustaf is probably his last name. Maybe King is Carl and his Swedish. Carl Gustaf, I think his name is Carl Gustaf.

But he's, nobody knows for sure. Did you know, Hank, that Carl Gustaf, the Kings, 16th, the Kings, father died in 1947 in an airplane crash when carl goose off was just nine months old all right there could have been a war of succession you know that his grandfather who by the way was named goose off the sixth eight all right i have no idea these people and that's what is this weird Swedish naming convention

yeah the crown princess victoria is just named the Crown Princess Victoria. There's nothing weird in her name. Oh, but the we're okay. Also, Gustav VI, Adolf, became king after Gustav V with a V, not with an F. Yes. I'll tell you what, they seem to have a huge name shortage in Sweden. It's called Gustav's. It's so much going right. But it seems like if you don't have really free

and open markets with lots of competition, you end up with a huge first name shortage. Hank, what were talking about Sweden? What are you gonna say now? Would you believe me if I told you that Sweden has the third most medals ever in one summer Olympic sport? Is it Olympic diving? It's Olympic diving, isn't that a surprise?

I don't know, but I said it first! God dang it! First off, I think they saw it coming, so I think you still might have been the loser. I think I might have actually, I think I saw it coming. So I think you still might have been the loser. I think I might have actually, I think I might have really forced your hand by making you say Olympic diving before me, even though it was obvious where I was headed. But it is correct.

Sweden has had 21 Olympic medals in Olympic diving behind only China and the United States. I thought you made that fact up. A Russia with 18. Wow. I thought you made that fact out. A Russia with 18. Wow. I thought you made that fact up just to wedge it in there. No, that's very heck. That's a good fact.

I do know, this is, this is your number one source for legitimate Olympic diving news. Well, John, thank you very much for the update, but I'm pleased to say that I won. And maybe we should have a poll on Twitter to let people know, ask people whether they thought that I was about to drop the word of the day or not. Speaking of which, before we get out of the word of the day, can I just tell you that Olympic

diving was originally known in the summer Olympics. Do you know the original name of the sport? Oh no, I would have thought that it would be called diving. It was called fancy diving. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Because, you know, it had fanciness in it. It wasn't just like, oh, you're not just diving into a pool.

You're doing summer solts, another fancy thing. It's like a new fancy. This was back in the days when there was a very, like, kind of, low threshold for the definition of fancy, like 1904, 1908. Just the slightest flourish in people would be like, well, 1908. Just the slightest flourish and people would be like, well, somebody thinks they're special.

Why didn't you just wear a hat then? Ah-ha-ha. Okay. Those next questions. Oh man, I wonder if you could have won like the 1908 Summer Olympic diving with just like an amazing cannonball. If like, like, was diving the sport at a point yet,

where you could blow people away with just like, check out this full twist. Yeah, yeah, it's, it's, the, watching the evolution of gymnastics makes me think that like all Olympic sports in 1908 was basically something that anyone could today could do. Groomer, right. in 1908 was basically something that anyone could today could do. Gourmet. Right.

Like, we've all drank enough milk and everything. Yeah. Anybody could win the 100 meter dash in 1908? Yeah, we're all super humans. We've had all the bovine growth hormone pumped into us. The winning time was probably like 12 minutes. They didn't have food back then. They were so hungry. The air was made of coal. You had a 45% chance of breaking your hip if

you ran 100 meters. Yes, it's great to be alive today. This next question comes from Adi who asked, dear Hank and John, I just picked up Chinese takeout in my small town and why I signed my receipt, there was a tip line. I didn't tip because I was only picking up the food. I would have tipped if I was gonna sit down to eat. Am I supposed to tip when I'm gonna take out from a sit down restaurant?

Juan Tons and Eggroll's Addy. Yeah, I mean, this is a hard one. This is a hard one, and another problem that Sweden has solved, by the way, by just not having a real tip, take out culture. I always tip, but to be fair, the place that we do take out from all of the people who work there know who I am and talk about me on Twitter and Facebook.

So, you gotta be nice. I feel like they've got me in a corner. Yeah, I mean, I think that I've always thought that like a 10% takeout tip is the thing to do. That's sort of what I do. Sort of like half of what I would give if I was gonna sit down. You only give 20% tips at a sit down restaurant?

I mean, that's the rule, right? That's the thing. Now you make me think that I'm a bad person. I give a 500% tip no matter what. But it's not your fault that I'm better than you. Okay, no matter what. If they serve, if I ask for a fish and they serve me like just a saucer, like just a plate with cold coffee on it,

500% tip. Thank you so much. I appreciate this. I appreciate this. No, I mean, I think having worked as a server made me a much better tip. I have never had a job that made me less money in the long run than waiting tables

because it has made me a much better tip or although I don't tip 500%. But yeah, Hank and I are believers in the 10% takeout tip, but I don't think that's universal and I don't think there's an expectation of a tip. Mm-hmm. All right. But this question, but also you should not turn

to Hank and I for etiquette advice. My God, I mean, have you ever seen Hank eat spaghetti? I love spaghetti so much. It's like watching Cthulhu destroy the world. You know the best way to eat spaghetti, John? I was very pleased with that joke. I don't know why you didn't like it. Is it to put it on like a hoagie roll?

Oh, that's disgusting. Why would you carve up your carbs? Yeah, you got to carve up those carbs, John. That's where all the nutrition comes from. That's where all the nutrition comes from. Either a hokey roll or spaghetti without having to eat them together. All right, speaking of you being weird, John,

here's another question. It comes from Dean who asks, dear Hank and John. So John has shielded for hot tub baths several times over the life of the podcast. As a listener who lives in a place where bath tubs are rare and therefore hasn't had any real experience with them, I have to ask, how does one take a bath? I know that one fills the tub with water and puts a bath bomb

in, but then what? He's one supposed to exfoliate. When is one actually done with a hot tub bath? The few times I've had the chance to take one, I never feel much cleaner than I did before I got in, and I always felt the urge to wash down with a quick shower afterward. I look forward to being enlightened by John, the tub vanjulist, thanks. And love, there's always one who kisses

and one who offers the cheek. Oh my, Dean. That's good. That reminds me of a great line by Edgar Caret, whose name I'm sure I'm pronouncing. Have you ever read any of the stories, Hank? No. One of his stories ends.

There are two kinds of people in the world. The people who sleep next to the wall and the people who sleep next to the people who kick them out of bed. Oh my goodness. Not, bed. Oh my goodness. Not, not, no. Oh my, we don't have a wall on either side of our bed. That's not well.

I guess you're both sleeping next to the people who kick you out of bed. That's right. So let me break it down for you, Dean. First off, I don't want to offend my dear sponsor, Lusher, anything, but you don't need to use a bath bomb to take an excellent bath. The key to an excellent bath is one lighting and two, the exact right temperature in the bath itself. You also need like an appropriately sized bath tub

so that you don't feel like a tiny child taking a bath inside of a tiny little bathtub. You need a bath tub that is designed for a person of your size, which is surprisingly hard to find almost as if people don't believe in baths anymore. Even though for the record, they predate showers, and if it was good enough for my ancient ancestors, it's good enough for me. That's my policy on all things except antibiotics. Okay, so the key is the right temperature, the right lighting, and then you just get in the bath and you slowly soap up and you rinse and you just let yourself calm down.

And here's my argument, Dean, if you don't have time for a bath, if your life is so rushed that you have to take a shower, we're basically you're being shot by pellets of water over and over and over again. If you don't have time to just soak up the wonder of warm water, then why are you alive? What is the point? The whole point of being alive is to take baths. I mean, there are lots of people who don't have baths, though, John?

Well, then I guess you have to construct a different meaning for life, but to me, the meaning of life is bathing. Oh, man, that's gonna how I feel about sleep these days. I used to go to the Turkish baths in Chicago, where I was a nice Turkish bath, house right next to my old apartment in Chicago. And that was great too, because it was like the fun of bads, but with random other people.

Well, yeah, we have sort of the similar thing in Montana, because we have a lot of hot springs. So you just like sort of walk out into the woods, and then you'll suddenly find a bunch of hot pools with strangers in them in various states of undress. And you're like, hey, what's going on? Man, I'm gonna get in your tub with you. It's a nice reminder of how close heaven is to hell. You don't like the sound of that? Or you do. I don't like the sound of that. you do. I don't like the sound of that.

I mean, it depends on the vibe, you know, like anything. It depends on if I feel safe and happy and I like the vibe, like anything in life. One time I was at a hot spring and I was in the tub, the pool. It was, this was not a developed hot spring. It's just like people have put rocks around the actual spring

where the hot water is coming out. So it's amazing and weird in the middle of nowhere. And I was, this is some of the people in the tub with us in the pool and then a moose appeared. And it was super idyllic in there where these people, and everyone was wearing clothes. So it wasn't awkward in the way that that sometimes makes me feel awkward. Though you do it your way, no big deal.

And to like watching this moose and he's like eating this grass that's been, you know, like lush and like watered by the hot springs. And the guy who's in the tub with me, he says, moose, hooves like razors. And that was, and that was suddenly, I had a very different feeling about the entire situation. So Catherine and I often will say hooves like razors, whatever we see, a wild animal,

that we don't want to get too close to. Oh man, you know what that makes me think of Hank? Hmm, it makes me think that during the 1904 Olympics, you were not allowed to do a double summer salt because it was considered dangerous. Too fancy! No, it's too fancy. It just have to do one summer salt.

If one summer salt was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for the people of 1904, they said. This podcast is brought to you by Fancy Diving. It's fancy, but not too fancy. No, never you don't want to go over the top with your fanciness when it comes to diving. Today's podcast is also brought to you by Bonnie Tyler, Bonnie Tyler, performing total eclipse with the heart for the last time until 2027. As podcast is additionally brought to you by Swedish Nicaret. Swedish Nicaret, don't probably find another way to quit

because then you'll just be addicted to Swedish Nicaret. This next question asks, dear Hank and John, my boyfriend and I had an argument about whether humans are radioactive. He says that everybody probably has one radioactive atom in them. I said that just because a cake has salt, that it doesn't make it salty. Then we looked at the definition of salty and it said that anything, it said that it was anything that contains salt, which is more important. Definition or connotation

is cake salty, cian to et excitatum, jhahn. Apparently, that's the name of this person, jank-and-hahn. It's a suspicious name. Cake is not salty. Cake is not salty. And the idea that anything that contains salt, anything that contains salt is not salty. That is not what salty means. That is...

Nor, in fact, is that actually what the dictionary says, the definition of salty. I'm looking at the definition of salty right now and it says tasting of containing or preserved with salt. Now, I guess you could argue that anything containing salt is salty according to, but I think it's mostly tasting of or preserved with. That's what defines saltiness. I'm really interested in the use graph over time of the word salty, which got pretty peaked around 1950, and then lulled off for a little bit and now has shot right back up.

So. I think it's because we used to have, people would be like, oh, well, he's a salty dog. And now maybe people are starting to say that again. I'd like to be. In the sense of like, coarse humor. Yeah, am I a salty dog, John? No.

Oh. No. Should I John? No. Oh. No. Should I be? No. No. I quite like you just the way you are. Please don't change and start using a bunch of 1950s hip slang. It'll be so cringey.

Oh boy. This podcast is Baffo. Oh God. It's starting. I knew that it was going to happen. I knew there was no way if you asked this question that you weren't going to start saying Baffo. Oh God, it's starting. I knew that it was gonna happen. I knew there was no way if you asked this question that you weren't going to start saying Baffo.

And now I know that you're like the first Google in 1950 slang trying to think of you want to turn the YouTube news to the Google 90s slang. So the thing that I wanted to say is that like I feel like there are different, there are things like salty, which is how you experience it, and then radioactive is just a property of a thing.

So like containing salt means that they're salt in it, and radioactive means that there is some radioactive decay going on. So it is a meeting particles, and we are radioactive. We have potassium and potassium has a radioactive isotope and it's inside you and you emit particles and that's the whole thing of degrees. You can have something that is very safe and radioactive and something that is very dangerous and also radioactive. You need more than just that one word to describe how dangerous something is. And I think that we often, not just in this word, but in lots of words,

get caught up in the idea that if you are any amount of one thing, that you are that thing, and that is a failing of language. Oh, that's a great point. And really, a surprisingly artful point from that question. Since you came close to talking about politics, Hank, can I ask one political question? Sure. This question comes from Samantha,

who writes, dear John and Hank, I've been a nerd fighter for six or seven years now, but I've recently become more politically conservative and have greater understanding of politics in my belief. And I'm struggling with hearing people in communities like my Tumblr friends, and in my field of work and study, I work in graphic design, expressing views about evil Republicans in front of me, and being afraid to explain my own thoughts on a topic because I would be

an evil Republican in their eyes. This happens a lot around issues like welfare, where I'm against government welfare because I don't believe it's the best way to help struggling in impoverished Americans, not because I don't believe in helping people. How do I talk about my political views without being labeled evil and racist and homophobic and Islamophobic? Because my views lump me in with a lot of other people that do fit those terms. Is it worth speaking up at all?

Anxieties and blueberries, Samantha. I don't know, John, you answered that question because you're the one that wanted to ask it. Well, I mean, here's the thing. I think that anytime people are talking to what they believe to be themselves or preaching to what they believe to be the choir, they talk differently than when they're talking to, like, trying to talk to a broader public. And I think that's, I think that's like a failure of discourse right now that we aren't doing a good job of doing much other than preaching to the choir

and kind of converting the converted. Yeah, and we like it. We like doing it. It's comfortable and it feels good. And it's like, you know, it's easy. It's the easy thing to do. And then if you, you know, there's that concern that like, oh, is my opinion in this room

making everyone have less of a good time? Because you can all... Well, yeah, I mean, there's that. But I also think actually in Samantha's question is a little bit, or one solution at least to Samantha's problem, which is that she writes, this happens around issues like welfare, because I don't believe it's the best way to help struggling in impoverished Americans. So let's have a conversation about policies, Samantha,

instead of about ideas like welfare. So when we talk about welfare, what are we talking about? Are we talking about unemployment insurance? Are we talking about, you know, which is something that people pay into while they have work. And then if you lose your job, you receive unemployment benefits for a certain amount of time

as long as you're still looking for work. Does that constitute welfare or is that separate from your definition of welfare? What about social security disability benefits, which go to people with disabilities who are unable to work because of they have a physical or intellectual disability that prevents them from being able to work. Is that welfare? And if so, you know, it's not really a matter

of incentivizing people to work in that case because most of those people can't participate in the workforce. What about the low income heating provision that's part of the federal government's benefits, where people who live in apartments or houses who can't afford their heating bills in the winter get assistance from the federal government? If we talk specifically about programs that are part of the current federal government and what we would like to see instead or what we think the world should look like instead of the way that it looks like now, instead of vague, kind of ideologically driven ideas like the word welfare, I think we get a lot closer to being able to have a real conversation

rather than just kind of staking out ideological ground and then sort of throwing rocks at each other. Yeah. And I, like, John, in perfectly honest, like I, until you said all those things, didn't, like, couldn't have even articulated a welfare program, like a single one. Well, we don't actually have, yeah, we don't have a ton of welfare programs in the United States. I mean, we spend a lot of money on social security, but most of it is for people who are retired

and have paid into the social security system for most of their working lives. And then we spend a ton of money on providing healthcare to people through Medicare, which is for elderly people in Medicaid, which is for elderly people in Medicaid, which is for certain people who live in poverty, not everyone who lives in poverty, but certain people who live at or near the poverty line

can get healthcare through Medicaid, especially kids. And both all of that, which are the central sort of like welfare or redistribution payments in the US right now, are really popular with both Republicans and Democrats. And so I actually think if we talked in specifics instead of in kind of ideologically charged language, we would find a lot more overlap. Yeah.

Yeah, I agree, I agree. This next question comes from Shemus who asks, dear Hank and John, I learned that in the upcoming reboot of DuckTales, saying Huey, Dewey, and Louis also now refers to their birth order. How do you determine the birth order of an animal that hatches from an egg? Is it which egg comes out first or which egg hatches first? Also, can you have identical twin birds? That we might not solve a mystery or rewrite history, Shamus.

I've watched the first episode of the new DuckTales, Hank. Yeah. It made me extremely nostalgic for the old DuckTales. Why would you change something that's already perfect? Why do we need older and younger brothers when we already had the perfect television program? Well, were you doing Louis, did they used to be triplets or something? It was never considered.

If it doesn't matter, we don't need sibling rivalry in the Duck Tales universe. It's just not necessary. Oh, was there sibling rivalry? I haven't watched yet. I'm very excited to see it. It's a star-studded cast, but I have not watched it. It's very good.

It's very good. There's a few things that annoyed me because all I want, of course, is for it to be like the old duck tails. I am a simple person. I want fancy diving to contain no more than one summer self. Bats for everyone forever, no matter what, and the regular old duck tails. I don't even want bads. So as for birth order, I don't know. I think probably it's which egg hatches first,

but also like there could be two eggs hatching simultaneously. So is it when the little egg tooth first pops out or is it when the chick first gets like out of the egg completely? I don't know. That seems complicated to me, but I do have an answer to, can you have identical twin birds because John,

do you know how this happens? I have, I mean, absolutely not. So when you have a bird, and you have two, like if you have identical, so like in a person, you have identical twin, they're both hanging out there in the uterus together. In a bird, they hang out in the egg together.

Oh wow. So when you have identical or fraternal twins, there are two birds that grow inside the same egg. And so the vast majority of times those birds do not live because that's too cramped a space to be a bird. But it does happen. There was a study they, so they looked at 200 eggs that contained two embryos,

whether that was a double yolk egg, which would be fraternal twins, or whether the yolk split early on, and that would be identical twins, and found that only one of the eggs produced two happy, healthy babies. So it does happen, but it doesn't happen very often, because it's biologically constrained in there.

So you can. I got a dickled twin birds, and I was very surprised and interested to find that out. Thank you for asking the question, Shamus, because I did not know. I am also surprised. It was weird how you put on your best egg at the Christie voice at the end of that little bit there, but I liked it. Okay, that's my new thing, John, when I'm discovering new facts about the universe. Oh boy, man. Okay, I'm very close to mentioning something from your past that I've never mentioned, and then I know you don't want me to mention. Don't do it, I'm very close. I'm very close.

Definitely don't see that, John. I'm like, Icarus flying toward the sun. And I want to just, I want to say it, but I'm not going to, I'd have respect for you. Thank you, John, for leaving off. No one is, no one should ever know. No one should ever know. Really, it's the rare thing that is just, it's too much.

But this question comes from Emma, right? Do you, John, and Hank, this weekend, I'm going on a date with a lovely girl and I can't contain my excitement. However, the subcoming date has made me wonder, at what point can I say that we are officially dating? Well, not before your first date, that's for sure. That's for sure.

Ha ha ha ha. Obviously now would be far too soon. I wouldn't say far too soon, but when can I appropriately tell people that I am dating someone, three dates, ten dates? Is it after a certain amount of time, like a month? Please answer swiftly as I am in desperate need reveal our probable love to the world. Oh wow wow wow wow is this a rebound? Oh you're excited. A mantis into mantis Emma. I assume that means I am really in love with this person that I'm going out on a date with the first time in a couple weeks.

Yeah, that's the Latin for clingy, clingy, clingy. I don't know, I don't know exactly what that means, but I assume it means I am really excited about love. Yeah, yeah. John? Yeah. I haven't dated anyone in so many years. Why do we ever take on these questions? Okay. I think that you can say that you're dating

when it's obvious to you that you are dating. Like, you can have a conversation if you want. There's a few strategies here. You can have the conversation, but I would not recommend the first date for that conversation. I would recommend like after the third date for that conversation at the earliest. Assuming weekly dates. I think that if there is an assumption that you're going to go out on another day and you don't really have to ask Then you'd write Yes, it's when it becomes of course. There's no more asking. It's just like what are we doing this weekend? Yeah, that's dating I

Think but like Hank it has been some time since I have I think, but like Hank, it has been some time since I have dipped my toes into those waters, and I must say I am not nostalgic for them. No. No. No, it means lovers are crazy, by the way. Oh, well, yeah, all right. It's cute, it's cute. Good luck, Emma.

We wish you well, and since you asked that question six months ago, probably you're now married. I hope everything has gone well. John, let's do one last question before we get to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. This one comes from Hailey who asks, dear Hank and John, long time listener, first time potter, that's not what it says, but whatever.

I have a question about a neighborhood etiquette. If my dog poops during a long walk and I secure it in a plastic bag, am I allowed to throw it away and somebody else's garbage on the side of the road because I hate being rude but I also hate carrying poop feces and fiestas haily. I mean this is why I don't walk my dog just so I'm not presented with these kind of difficult problems. I do I do that I did that. I would always pick up the lemon poop, but I would occasionally drop it

in somebody else's trash. I just feel, yeah, I might like swing this bag of poop all the way home if I'm like, I know, but then you're potentially saying to somebody like, you clean the poop out of your garbage bag when this is hip-hop leaks. Theoretically, it's the garbage man who cleaned the poop out of the bed, they do the thing,

and they're gonna do it at my house, and they're gonna do it at their house, as long as I know. I, it seems very marginal to me. This is why I agree on, on several acres of land and Willie is allowed to roam free. Yeah, I do have this, this feel like, I don't like if there's a person standing on the porch,

I'm not gonna do it. So like I know that there's something wrong with that. Exactly, Bingo, Bingo, Bingo. Hank, before we get to the news from Marzenaise Womelden, I need to read one correction, which came to John mostly, but also Hank. Sure. Trisha writes, I'd like to write with a correction

on the 102nd episode of the pod, John reported that only one model three was delivered in July of this year. This is a Tesla thing. My husband works for Tesla, and every time I see a Tesla, I inform whoever is nearest. Hey, my husband made that with his bare hands. It drives him crazy, but I'm very proud of him in the work he does. It will also drive him crazy that I took the time to write this correction,

but he's not the boss of me. 30 Model 3s were delivered in July of 27, and full production on the cars is well underway as I write this. Now, it was still several years past the Elon timeline, of course, but you can't imagine what kind of overtime and struggle the workers endured to get not just one, but 30 Model 3 cars out. That's okay. I think a 29 car difference is significant enough to write in, and I hope you'll give them a shout out.

Trisha, Trisha, thank you to your husband for making such high quality electric vehicles, and I'm sorry. Good job, John. What's the news from A.A.V.C. Wimbledon? Hank, have you ever witnessed a complete solar eclipse? No. Have you ever witnessed a near-complete solar eclipse?

Yes. So what you will no doubt remember is that a darkness fell over the land and it became cold in barren. Mm, not really. The birds stopped singing in mid-air and fell to the ground. The goats fainted. The gods themselves knelt down and begged reprieve.

A man who is in the middle of his double fan-seed sub-result dive just stopped and he just stopped in midair. Stopped in mid-sub-result. As the cold descended and darkness washed across the land and the crops died and etc. Anyway that was better and more fun than AFC Wimbledon's League One season so far. Oh, Hank, it's very, very worrisome. It's a very worrisome situation.

So you still got that just that one goal under your belt? We still have just scored the one goal this season on the heels of not scoring a goal in the last like six games of last season. Right, I remember that. And we've had the one-one draw against Scunthorpe, then we lost one nil to Shrewsbury, and now we've lost two nil to Fleetwood. I mean, I want to like find a silver lining in this goal-sc drought, and this plummeting down the table. The good news is that while AFC Wimbledon are in the relegation spots right now, they

are only two points away from being in like 15th place because it's very early in the season. So things have to get worked out, things have to get figured out. I'm definitely nervous, but I also, it's a long season, and it was never going to be easy. The second season in a new league is always hard in the first season. That's how I got bunch of Bava. We did have a new signing. We signed somebody from Rangers, which is a team in Scotland. Yeah, I mean, he's a winger and we need some offense.

So that's good, I guess. His name's Harry Forrester. He is known as in Scotland. I don't want to speak ill of him on the world's second leading AFC Wimbledon podcast. But in Scotland, he was known as something of a troublemaker. But to be fair, Neal Ardley has turned around people with bad reputations in the past. So hopefully, Harry Forrestor is going to score 462 goals over the next 38 weeks, and AFC Wimbledon will rise right to the championship.

Time will tell. Good luck, and I'm glad to hear that you've at least you're at least moving on players and not just sort of sticking with the current squad. Yeah no it's uh well we'll see life is long and we'll see. We'll see. John so question who owns Mars? Oh I know the answer to that. America. Well, more broadly than that, there's a conversation going on around who owns stuff that is mined in outer space because people are looking at the future of mining stuff in outer space. And mostly this would be useful for use in outer space. So the first thought is like, hey, if we found a bunch of gold in space, we could bring

it back to Earth and then there would be gold and you could sell it on Earth. But really what we, like it's expensive to move stuff around in space, to get it from space to Earth, to get Earth stuff to space. So what we're mostly looking at is taking stuff that's in space and building things with it or using it as fuel to move stuff that's already in space around. So you don't have to launch all your water up into space. You don't have to watch all your hydrogen, your oxygen up into space. You can go to space, mine the water, and then use it.

Now, there are starting to be enough people looking to do this that governments want to avoid conflicts between companies and countries over resources out in space and are starting to have some rules and the US is looking at a rule that says if you can grab it and take it with you then it becomes your property. Oh, okay, well, I mean, to be fair, that is sort of the approach that the US has taken to land management over the last couple centuries. So, seems reasonable. It's not a huge change in policy. So, if you obtain the resource and bring it with you, it becomes your property. So, it's not your property while it's on the ground,

but as soon as you pick it up and bring it with you, it becomes yours. So it's like, this is fine now. If you put it back down, it's not yours anymore, but if you pick it back up, it's yours. If you put it down, it's not yours. Which is, I guess, the rule that we have for most rocks. Like, rock isn't mine unless I'm holding on to it.

And I put it back down. It's not my rock anymore. Yeah, that's not strictly speaking. It's a little bit of an oversimplification of US land management, but only a little bit. I mean, I feel like if I go to a river and I pick up a rock, that's my rock now. If I take it back to my house, put it in my house

and you steal that rock, you stole my rock. But if I put it back down on the river bank, that's not my rock. Right? I don't know, man. This is how rock ownership works. But I couldn't like take a bulldozer and scoop up a thousand rocks and bring those with me. People be like, you can't just take those rocks, but I would take one rock.

I feel like it's okay, but it's probably not. It's probably illegal. I probably shouldn't take those rocks, but I'm going to anyway. No. Yeah. Yeah. Just from, just from all, not a lot of them, just a bunch of few, from areas where people don't usually take rock, so it's just me. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I, do you want to, I feel like this is a complicated interstellar law that we're not really ready for yet, and we're going to have to do it the same way we did it the last time, which was just horrifically. Totally.

Well, the goodness, there's not people to steal from out there, except for each other. Right, but don't worry, we will find a way to do it inequitably. I know it. I believe in us, 100%. Human beings, we amaze me. I continue to be astonished by all of the things that humans need to

make laws for because of all the weird new stuff we keep doing. It's sort of inspirational, but also sort of horrifying, like the internet and most other things. Well, I should say that there is also some outer space law confusion. And so other people are not quite so sure that it is as simple as I just said, but rules in space. Good luck enforcing them. There's no space cops. Yep, that's all.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, there you go. There's no space cops. It's going to be hard in space without space cops, man. Is there a great space cop science fiction novel Hank because I love detective fiction and I love like hard boiled cops, but I don't know of any space cops. Yes, yes, yes, Leviathan Wakes.

Leviathan Wakes by James S.A. Corey, the expand series, there's like seven of them, but Leviathan Wakes by James S.A. Corey, the Expant series. There's like seven of them. But Leviathan Wicks is the one that is from the perspective of like, literally a noir detective who lives in the asteroid dumps. It's so good. It was good. Well, now I'm fired up.

I'm going to check it out. Hank, do you remember when my this machine kills stashous sticker that is on my laptop and is on, you know, the Crash Course course videos when it was not a politically charged statement? Yeah, I do remember that. Oh god. Okay. With that noted, thanks to everybody for listening.

You can send us questions at Hank and John at gmail.com or find us on Twitter. I'm John Green. Hank is Hank Green. And we really appreciate you listening. And let us know if you liked this stupid new bit with the phrase of the week. I liked it, I liked it, I think you came up with a good thing, John. I want to do better next week, I'm already looking forward to it. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins.

It is produced by Rosiana Halsey-Rohas and Sheridan Gibson. Our social media manager is Victoria Bonjourner. The music is by the great gun of Rola. And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪