Dear Hank & John - 107: skREvEL!

Episode Date: September 11, 2017

Why do I feel safer with the lights on? Why can't my bathtub be in my living room? Am I in danger of being electrocuted? And more! Turtles All the Way Down tour: http://www.turtlesallthewaydownbook.com/#tour Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Eigen Jon. What was I for to think with Dear Jon and Hank? It's a comedy podcast about death. We're two brothers, Hank and Jon Green. We answer your questions, give you the advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. But we're recording this one a week early, so we don't actually know what the news is. But we'll figure something out, Jon, how you doing? I'm doing well. Since we're recording this a week early, I'm pretty sure know what the news is, but we'll figure something out. John, how you doing? I'm doing well.

Since we're recording this a week early, I'm pretty sure that by the time it's announced, our tour will have been announced. I have a new book coming out, Hank. I don't know if you've heard about it. It's called Turtles All the Way Down. It comes out October 10th. And Hank and I are going on tour starting October 10th. I'm not 100% sure that I'm allowed to be talking about this, but I'm going to talk

about it anyway in the hopes of forcing penguins hand. Yeah. Yeah. So I just want to let everybody know that you can, I don't really know where the website is, that you can go to, go to probablysignedturtles.com. And I'm sure that'll take you to the tour website. I'm not totally positive. This is all going to go down.

But I am going to let you know the cities that we're going to have, which I don't even know if you know for sure. I am somewhat, somewhat ale informed. Yeah, okay. So we're going to New York City. That's on October 10th. That makes sense.

We're going to Washington, Washington, DC. And then you're taking two days off to go to a friend's wedding. Correct. And I am going to be doing other things. I'll be in North Carolina and Atlanta. And then we're gonna be together in Orlando at Hank's High School Auditorium.

Are you serious? I'm dead serious. Then we're gonna be in Nashville. Oh, that's the heavy Indianapolis. It's gonna make me very uncomfortable. St. Louis, they've improved the auditorium a lot since you were a student there. Naperville, Illinois, or possibly Chicago,

not totally sure. St. Paul, Minnesota, one of the twin cities, Mizzoula, Montana, Spokane, Washington, Bellingham, Washington, Portland, Oregon, and Corta, Madera, California, which I think is in the San Francisco area. And lastly, I think somewhere in Los Angeles- Sure.

And that is the tour. That's the tour. I apologize to everybody who's like, but I don't live in any of those places. Well, like neither do most people. Let's be honest. In fact, almost all humans don't live in any of those places, but if you do live in one of those places, please come visit us on tour tickets are on sale now, I think, and you

can find out more somewhere on the web. I'm not totally positive where. It's good. This was a great promo, John. Man, I should do this for a living. It's really about having all the information at your fingertips. John, there's a Twitter hashtag going around right now, and it's a ruin a book, change a letter. Change a letter ruin a book, something like that.

So you could date where, when we were recording this by that information, but I was trying to come up with one of Turtles and all I got was Turtles Al, the way down. It'd be like a book about a guy named Turtles Al who runs a turtle store, but it's a story of his inevitable decline. It's good.

I like Turtles all the way moan, which is about an evil person who moans over Turtles with his lawn mower. That's really good. That's better. I like that one better than mine. All right. so come visit us on tour if you have the chance. We're very excited about it. And with that noted, Hank, how are you? I'm good. I'm good. That's all I had was that thing about the about the thing. And I'm glad you prepared that bit. That was very, that was solid. Yeah, I'm going to Australia. So I haven't been able to think about anything

except all the work I have to do before I have to go to Australia. Well, let me take a little bit of workload off of you by asking the first question from our listeners. All right. All right. This one comes from Karen, who writes, Dear John and Hank, I'm applying for pharmacy school and some of the supplementary questions ask me about which of my personal characteristics makes me unique. How does one even answer this question? Is this different from a question about my unique experiences? I'm so confused.

Frustration and confusion. Karen, first off, Karen, nobody is unique. Oh, she's. Yeah. Yeah. I'm coming in. Like, and that's what pharmacy school really wants. They want a bunch of people who are just like,

each one is not at all similar to the others. They want weirdos there at pharmacy school. Yeah, I'm not sure that I want my pharmacist to be one of the most eccentric people on earth. Yeah. Like, can you imagine Maureen Johnson, like, preparing your script? No, I don't want her counting my medications.

I love Maureen Johnson, and she is unique, and I do not think that she would disagree with me about this. I don't think she would be a great pharmacist. All of the most eccentric people I know, almost invariably, shouldn't be pharmacists, which isn't to say that I don't love pharmacists. I have a great relationship with my pharmacists. They are all lovely people. I have a real life friend who's a pharmacists, which isn't to say that I don't love pharmacists. I have a great relationship with my pharmacists. They are all lovely people.

I have a real life friend who's a pharmacist and I asked him once I was like, would you prefer if I come to your pharmacy and they said no. I don't want to know all your stuff, John. I don't want to. They were like, don't make it weird. Yeah, I think that's a dumb question. First off, none of your personal characteristics make you unique.

Secondly, if I'm a pharmacy school, I want someone who's a good student, who's organized, who's disciplined, who is bright and hard working. I don't know that I'm really looking for the out there weirdos. I like the idea that there's like a personal character, like a unique personal characteristic, and it's like,

look, mine doesn't have a name because it's unique. Literally no one has ever had it before. Right. It's called Screvel. Mine's called Algamam. And I can't even explain Screvel to you because it is so unique that it does not touch upon any of the previous understandings you have had about the experience of what humans are like.

Right, you're not able to access this because you don't have language for it. You can't have the thoughts that screvels have. And then, in fact, that's what you should do, Karen. Just next to that question, just write screvel in all capital letters, underline it, exclamation point. And then in parentheses,

explain that you can't explain this using language that people who decide whether you get into pharmacy school have access to. I mean, that will definitely get their attention. The first letters should be, like the S should be lowercase, the case should be lowercase, but the R and the E are uppercase,

V's lowercase, E and the L are upcase. That's how, that's how it's not. That's how it's spelled. It's spelled? Yeah. Scravel. Hank, can you say anything about screvel, or is it like,

No, it's just, like, it does not, it does not connect with the normal, like with the broad cultural understanding of humanity. It's just, it's too disconnected, John. There you go, Karen. I think we've found a solution for you that will definitely not get you into pharmacy school. Okay.

This next question comes from Hope, who asks, dear Hank and John, what is the plural form of dingus? I use it constantly, both affectionately and otherwise, and then perplexed. Does it dinghy, dinguses, or is it just like deer? And the plural remains the same as the singular, just a bunch of dingus. Signed, a dingus and need hope.

Hey, I don't know how far you felt down the dingus rabbit hole while researching this question, but I fell pretty damn far. Yeah, I felt like one step down. I just Googled dingus etymology, and that's as far as I got. Do you know, I know that it comes from the Dutch. Do you know what a dingus is? It's the Dutch word for a, well, ding is Dutch for a thing.

Right. It's like, it's just a ding ding is Dutch for a thing. Right. It's just a ding. But that ding over there. I thought a dingus was an idiot. I'm being such a dingus about this. Yeah, that's my idea of what a dingus is. That is not what the dictionary's idea of what a dingus is. The dictionary thinks a dingus is a doohickey or a thinga magig.

Oh, this little dingus here. It's like when you don't have the word to describe a thing, either because there is no word associated for it or because you can't access the word, your vocabulary doesn't have it or whatever. Right, so it's like screvel. It is, it's not, it's not really. It's a little bit different from screveling that It is, it's not, it's not really.

It's a little bit different from Scruffle in that it is an established word that wasn't made up four minutes ago. But yeah, that is the initial meaning of dingus and it's not totally clear how it came to mean like a dingbat except that it seems to sort of sound like dingbat or, you know, it sounds like it sounds... It just sounds like a dingus. It sounds like a dingus. You dingus?

Right. Yeah, it sounds like it should mean what it means, which is a really interesting thing about words and meaning. Yeah. Is that that kind of happens? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it isn't just a one-way street where, like, we need a word for this.

You try and find a word that sounds like the thing. Right, right. Which it... No, it's a complicated one. It's like an Adam on a Pia, but inside your brain. So when I fell way down the rabbit hole, I found out something amazing, which is that do Hickey, you know, a word that I use all the time when I'm trying to describe something that I can't remember the name for, do Hickey comes from two words that also meant that do dad and Hickey before Hickey meant like a bruise

that you would get on your neck from extremely aggressive kissing. Hickey meant the same thing that do dad and dingus meant, which is to say that we have a lot of words for thing that we have forgotten the word for. Yeah. Well, that's an important thing to have a word for.

And it's not just a thing you've forgotten the word for, it's a thing that doesn't really have a name. Like the little thing that converts my Apple charger from like an extra long plug to just the one that I can store up for easy travel. That is it. That's totally it. That's a dingus. It's a singe of a Bob. Yeah. It's travel. That's totally it. That's a dink. It's a singe of a bob.

Yeah. It's a what do you call it? It's a dooder. It's a gobbins is another word that means the same thing. Really? Yeah. Gobbins is good. Yeah.

Oh man, Mr. Gobbins, that'd be a great name for a character in a children's book. It would. Today's just today. You didn't know this, and I didn't know it either. But today's Dear Hank and John is all about etymology and the relationship between language and thought. It's just, I like it. Okay, so that none of what we said got to the answer

to the question. Oh, what was the question? I have no idea. What is the plural of dingus? Oh, I'm not sure, John. I figured you had the answer to the question. What was the question? I have no idea. What is the plural with dingus? Oh, I'm not sure, John. I figured you had the answer because apparently you went way down the dingus hole. So there's an alternative form of dingus,

which is dingus, and I think that would be a good plural form, but according to the internet, it is not the actual plural form. The actual plural form is dingus's. Yeah, I figured it might be dingus's, but we had a really good conversation about dingus's. Yeah, I figured it might be dingus's, but we had a really good conversation about dingus's anyway that made it all worthwhile. I mean, I don't know that it was worthwhile, but you have to use your one wild and precious

life somehow, and this is how we choose to do it. Before you ask the next question, John, let me remind everyone that we have a phrase of the day, week or the week or whatever, and one of this is going to try and wedge that phrase into the speaking without anybody out there in the listening world knowing that we're doing it, and if we can do that effectively, then we win. And I understand that it's not a good game, it's not a well-designed game, but we have fun thinking about it. So that's what's important. I've forgotten what the phrase is, John. We talked about it and I forgot what it is. Don't tell me. Well, I'm not going to tell you what it is because that would be cheating. Yeah. You've got to slide it in there and I won't even know

what happened. All right, this is a question near and dear to both of our hearts. It comes from Kate, your right, Steer John and Hank, staying in a hotel for almost two weeks on a work trip has taught me that hotel rooms are in fact the world's loneliest places. I've been distracting myself in the evenings by facetiming my boyfriend, but after hanging up, the room feels even quieter and lonelier than before. Do other people feel this way when traveling for business? Any tips on making a hotel stay more bearable, and then Hank, you will not believe her sign off

from the lonelier bis of a courtyard, Marriott, Kate. Ah! Ha! So in 2012. I've said it a lot of, yeah, okay. You tell the whole story. So in 2012 Hank and I spent with two exceptions, 30 consecutive nights in courtyard marionettes. So the geographical location in which we were would change nightly, but the layout of the

room never changed. We would always arrive. They are the room. It's the art on the walls, the bed spread, the wallpaper, the toilets were all the same. The red, love seat, the desk, the chair, the bed, and I'll tell you what, Kate, it did get a little dark after a while. Yeah.

I mean, my strategy for solving this problem is to not go to the room until it is sleep time and the whole time I'm in the room be listening to a podcast. Because then I don't, I just distract myself from the fact that I'm doing this hotel room thing. The worst trap I feel like you can follow into is watching TV in a hotel room

because then you're just awake forever. Yeah. For some reason, I have a very hard time sleeping once the TV is on in a hotel room. And I just want to like watch the end of this terrible piece of fake documentary about the worst air disasters right before I get on a plane. Yeah, I mean, I think, so first off, Kate, I think this is a common thing. I remember being very excited about my first work trip and then like getting on it and

being like, oh, is it like this all the time? And now 15 years later, it is like that all the time. Now sometimes, I, you know, there are advantages to it. Like, I can sleep in, at least sometimes, which I can't do when I'm sleeping at home because I have little kids. And that can be nice. And that's an upside that I can look forward to. Another upside that I can look forward to

is that sometimes I will like happen across a movie on HBO if they have HBO in the hotel. And I'll be like, oh, I can watch a movie. But I agree with Hank that watching sort of like endless linear cable TV is not a recipe for good sleep. So I think it's good to listen to podcasts. I think it's good to watch movies. I think it's great to read a book.

I usually try to read when I'm in a hotel room. But it's hard to sleep in those places, at least for me. And yeah, work travel that I always thought was gonna be like, you know, I can't believe that they're paying for my hotel room. Occasionally, I'll think that when it's a very nice hotel room, but most of the time, I think like, oh, it's another hotel room. This place probably has bedbugs. It's all probabilities, John.

I mean, I would not want to see a black light in any of those rooms. Agreed. All right, John. Next question. It comes from Brianna. Who asks? Dear brother's green, I've recently started working on a cruise line. And one of my first days at sea, I saw a thunderstorm off in the distance, and it got me thinking, water's good conductor of electricity, right? So when lightning strikes the ocean, how far does the electricity spread and for how long does the affected area stay electrified?

Is it possible that my ship could be electrocuted from a storm off near the horizon? Thank you for either quashing or amplifying my fears, Brianna. Can you get a podcast on a ship? Oh, of course you can, they have wireless now. Brianna, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that you're going to die of Norovirus on that ship.

So it doesn't really matter that you're not going to die of electrocution from a lightning strike. Mm-hmm. I mean, of the things that could kill you on a ship, I would say that Norovirus is the bigger concern. I have a bunch of information on this, John. F. Eukerius. I'm very curious. I'm kind of a weird fact, which is that the lightning,

lightning very rarely strikes the ocean. Mm. That's interesting. Which is interesting. Why? Yeah. Because for a couple of reasons, one, there is not really like lightning likes to go to a place, and when it's just this like infinite flat plane, it just strikes internally inside of the cloud. So if it's above the ocean, it tends to be cloud-to-cloud lightning, more than cloud-to-ground

lightning. Second, because it seems like lightning actually happens when the kind of perturbations that the land tends to create, which is like a lot more heat comes off of land, and there are also, you know, actual physical boundaries that can make clouds bump around and move around. That lightning tends to happen when those kinds of obstructions start making all of the stuff rubbed together more than it was previously. But it does happen. It does strike the ocean sometimes. And enough that we know a little bit about what happens when lightning strikes the ocean,

which is because, first of all, water is not a great conductor of electricity, but salt water is. So, what happens is it goes into the water and then it spreads out very quickly until, you know, not very far away from the point of the lightning strike, it is not a significant amount of charge. If you're sitting right there where the lightning strikes, you're going to die, but it does not go very far. And so, it probably, it doesn't kill very many fish, for example. Did I ever tell you about the time, as you know, Hank, I have a long term fear

of dying via lightning strike, because I grew up in Orlando, Ford, and also because I have, you know, a number of the major death fears. Did I ever tell you about the time that I walked away from the wedding? What are you talking about now? Okay, so one of Sarah's family members was getting married. It's a bit of from the wedding. What are you talking about now? Okay, so one of Sarah's family members was getting married. It's a bit of a shotgun wedding. We were on top of a mountain in Colorado. And it began to like rain and thunderstorm.

And there was lightning strikes everywhere. And everyone was holding umbrellas on top of a mountain. And I was like, this is it. this is how we're all gonna go. And the bride and groom were like, it's okay, we're gonna get married in the rain. And I was like, y'all can do whatever you want, but this is not how I die. And so I walked away. Also, I have to congratulate you on seamlessly including the phrase of the week shotgun wedding

in your little anecdote, John. I know it wasn't actually a shotgun wedding. They had been dating for like 10 years, but so I just fictionalized that one detail so that I could get the story and thank you Hank, I think that I win the prize. You definitely won that, we definitely won this week. I was thinking maybe I was gonna get the lyrics

to Bex loser somehow, and put it into the podcast. But yeah, that's too late for me now. I mean, will that,, yes, and I agree, I honestly agree with you, because it's not like, it's one thing if somebody gets struck by lightning and they die. It's another thing if like the entire family goes.

Like everybody's there, one lightning strike could be like, oh, like the line has ended. Remember the Jefferson's, they are no more. Right, no, I wouldn't. They were up on that. They were up on that. They were up on that. That's not letting. It's like that TV show or key for Sutherland

becomes the president. Okay. We've got another question. This one's from Willy honor who writes, dear John and Hank, Hank, this is one of those questions. Sometimes I feel like people send us in questions and what they really need is not advice or answers.

What they really need is reassurance that they are doing exactly the right thing. Okay. And I think that Lilliana is in such a situation. She writes, dear John and Hank, I'm 15 and I'll be a sophomore in high school next year. Over the summer, I've been asked over and over again by relatives and family friends, all adults.

If I know where I want to go to college and what I want to study. I have no idea. So my default answer has just been to say, fish and art before walking away. What am I supposed to say to this question? Definitely fish and art. Yeah, I mean, you really all good. You've cracked. You hit it. You've cracked a code that's haunted high school sophomores for hundreds of years.

Oh, Mike, why are you asking a high school sophomore anything about college? Ah. And then when they say, wait, is fish and art what you want to study or where you want to go to university, you just say fish, fish, and art. And art.

Fish and art. I'm going to the University of Fish where I'm going to study art and fish. I'm going to the University of Art and I'm going to be studying fish horticulture. I apologize. Fish pesca culture. And I'm gonna be studying fish horticulture. I apologize. Fish pesca culture. If my answer was ambiguous, or perhaps I stuttered, let me just repeat myself.

Fish and art, ask me again, Uncle, ask me. Also, Lilliana, I'd like to encourage you to actually study fish and art. Oh yeah. Either, that can be a lot of different things. Like fish could be biology, like wildlife biology. It could be the dream ecology. It could also be like actual agriculture, like fish farming, which is a growing industry

and one that is in need of great people to be managing fish farms. And art, of course, can mean pretty much anything. So it's good to have a diverse group of knowledge, like it's good to mix a creative degree, like art with a potentially a degree that has available jobs and that you'll develop marketable skills at, like fish. So yeah, absolutely.

Session art. I just want to throw this out there as an option. I also think that she could consider studying fish and other jam bands. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I want to apologize. I was like, is jam bands the first of the week?

Why the heck would you say that? That seemed really, really wedged in. Oh, I mean, fish is one of the leading jam bands. Thank you. I've got knowledge. Lelyanna clearly spelled it with a knife and she's 15, hang on. She might not know how to spell fish yet. I'm going to college to study the band fish. I'm cheering to you that there are many, many people who have written their undergraduate

thesis on the band fish. When I was a freshman in college, I listened to Trey Parker's senior thesis from his school, which was a musical, like a rock musical thing. And I downloaded it in real media files, and I listened to the whole thing. It's real weird, John. I believe it. I believe it. Yeah.

Um, but that's where you brought us. That's where you brought us. I don't think it, yeah. But that's where you brought us. That's where you brought us. I don't think I took you there, but when you brought us. When you brought us. Google PhD thesis about the banned fish, not that I did that, and not that I became the first person ever

to just Google that particular search. Do you know what you learn? What? Okay, do you remember the band, the offspring? Uh-huh, yeah. I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem. Oh, the lead singer of the offspring, Dexter Holland has a PhD in molecular biology from the University of Southern California. He just got it Well, just this year actually Really yeah, that's great. I'm really I'm very I'm excited for Dexter. Yeah me too Congratulations to Dexter Holland. I

Don't know that the band the offspring and fish have anything in common, but I appreciate Google just trying to reach out and be broad. John, this podcast is brought to you by the molecular biology degree of Dexter Holland, the former frontman for offspring, or maybe current frontman for offspring. Oh, so that he could get it all done all at the same time. That's right. Congratulations Dexter Holland. And thanks for being one of my favorite songs when I was in high school.

His podcast is also brought to you by the Lonely Abyss of the courtyard, Maryott, the Lonely Abyss of the courtyard, Maryott, vast, even endless. Of course, his podcast is additionally brought to you by Scravel. Scravel. You don't know what it is, and you're never going to gonna know what it is because it's a unique characteristic of my personality. This one comes from Gabby who says, dear green brothers, why do I always feel safer when I turn the lights on? When I'm scared, my first instinct is to turn every light in my house on, but logically I have no clue what I would do if I saw some wind standing there when I turned on the light. Reasonably, I know that I would have just like a few extra moments of terror before getting murdered because I wouldn't be able to fed myself.

So, why do I always feel the overwhelming urge to turn on the lights when I'm scared? How frugal is the chariot that bears the human soul, Gap? So, Hank a while ago, I read this really fascinating book called At Days Closed Night in Times night in times past that talked about what night was like for Europeans before electric lighting. And I think the reason we turn on the lights is because night for almost all of human history was a very bad dangerous scary time And lots of bad things could happen to you, and you had very little warning that they were going to happen. So I think like, from an evolutionary standpoint,

Knight makes us nervous, and from what I could gather from that book, it ought to. I mean, Gabby, what I'm coming at this from is like, I'm not turning on the light so I can find the murderer. I'm turning on the light so I know the murder is definitely not there. Like, if I found the murderer, it'd be like, this is worse than when the lights were off.

Like, I want the murderer to, or whoever, to be on their way and to do their thing. I do not want to have a face to face encounter with a home intruder. Have my computers, go ahead, have a nice day, but I want to know that that person is not there. And that is the only way to know that they are not there is to turn on all the lights.

And it's pretty amazing that we can. What a wonderful moment we live in. That's true. I agree 100%. The only thing that I would add is that the other advantage turning on the lights is that potentially it makes those who would rather do their work in private and unseen suddenly be seen, which I don't even know if that's good or bad. I don't know. All I know is that when I read this book at Days Close, it scared the living crap out of me. And also, I learned that

in like early modern Europe, there was, it was very common to wake up at two o'clock in the morning for an hour or two and then go back to sleep, which is the weirdest thing about pre-19th century life that I've ever come across. Yeah. That's when there was like a special prayer time and then also that's when most of the babies got made. Yeah, and I think maybe a little bit of like just sort of like let's go walk in the nice chill of the evening.

No, there was not a lot of walking. Scrub up the pants? No. Did some pants scrub it? No. I don't know. I mean, I wasn't there when you read the book, John. I just heard what the internet had to say about it.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I just, I found that time. I don't know. I've also been reading a really good book about 17th century Paris and the first police chief of Paris, Hank, that I have to recommend. I think it's called City of Light, City of Poison. And oh, it is a riproaring adventure that is completely true. This next question comes from Stacey who writes, Dear John and Hank, why can't my bathtub just be in my living room? Best fish is Stacey.

Oh wow. That's a good sign off. It seems like she's been talking to Lilliana. Yeah. John, I once had my bathtub in my bedroom. Oh yeah. When we lived in New York, one of our closest friends had her bathtub in her kitchen. And when she asked the landlord, why is the bathtub in the kitchen, the landlord explained, well, because all the other plumbing is here. It's just, yeah, I mean, like, there aren't any other, it's not like there are doors in your apartment.

Why, why, why is that? Seven foot long pipe when I could just buy a one foot long pipe. I mean, yeah, why have a bathtub at all? You've got a sink Just crouch in there just get in there You know what? I think you can have a bathtub in your living room And if you own your own home you can bring in a contractor and say the first thing that I would like to do when Renovating this house is to put a bathtub in the dead center of the living room so that I can watch TV while I enjoy my luxurious baths.

And the contractor will probably say, that's not going to be great for resale value, and then you tell them that you want to do it anyway. This is my house. When Katherine and I were looking for houses, we did happen upon a home that had in the bedroom a giant jacuzzi tub that had clearly been put in by those owners out and the bathroom was there. The bathroom was like, you could reach the bathroom door from the jacuzzi tub.

I was like, why did you just make the wall go out around the jacuzzi tub? No, nice to have the jacuzzi tub in your master bedroom. Right up to the jacuzzi tub and then there was a step that you could step on to get into the jacuzzi tub in your master bedroom. Right up to the Jacuzzi tub, and then there was a step that you could step on to get into the Jacuzzi tub that was also carpeted. And this was a very strange set of decisions, and probably has something to do with the smell that's in here.

Right, no, I think that was a relatively, I think I was a relatively common decision back in the 80s. Sarah and I also saw a number of houses that had that particular layout. And I would think like, you know, I love a good bath, but I'm not sure that I want to bathe in the same room in which I sleep.

Yeah, it just seems like a recipe for mold. Yeah, the only reason that my apartment was like that, when I first moved to Montana was because clearly they did not have space for a shower, so they put it in the bedroom. That said, Hank, did you make any decisions when you were renovating your house that you knew were bad for resale value,

but you made because they bring you personal joy? Uh, yeah, I must have. The one that I did was that I made a secret room in my house, which was stupid from the perspective of how much money can you spend on a door turns out a lot. But it was brilliant from the perspective of every time I walk into my secret room, I feel as if for the first time, overwhelmed by childlike joy. Do you have like, is it just like a bunch of like,

like, military equipment, like Batman? It's just like your back card. Or is it just like a bunch of pens and typewriters or something? My secret identity is I am the guy who writes those books that you've read. No, it's not like a back game. You go in there and you put on a cape and then you type.

No, it's actually the room. It's kind of like a work room. It's the room in which I make vlog brothers videos, but it's kind of like a work room. It's the room in which I make vlog brothers videos, but it's also kind of a work room. But if you walk up to the door, it looks like a bookcase, and then there's one particular book that if you tap it, the bookcase opens.

And it's pretty cool. Yeah, it is pretty cool. I mean, I'll tell you what, no one but me would enjoy it as much as I enjoy it, but it brings me great joy every day. Oh, yeah, I have one. The thing that I did that's terrible for Risa value is that we have spruce floors, which is just a terrible idea, because it is very soft wood,

but I think it's beautiful when I love it so much. Well, there you go. I think you've got to live your own life, and if you want a bathtub in your living room, then do it, man. Make it happen. Yeah, mine's super boring. It's the kind of wood we chose for the floor.

That is pretty boring. It was actually, it was already there. There was carpet over it, and the contractor was like, this is just going to get all dented up, and I was like, yeah, with my life, every dent is going gonna be another thing that happened in my home. Get outta here.

I think that's actually quite a beautiful idea, Hank, that over time, the floors will change because you have lived with them. I quite like that. This next question comes from Clara, or if I've learned anything in the last few weeks, possibly Clara or Clara, all I know is that I'm definitely mispronouncing it. Dear John and Hank, why are story problems in math books so bizarre?

I've had some weird ones like a boy who wanted to make Do Deccahedrin-shaped cookies as a romantic gesture for his girlfriend, and the one where a boy was driving near Yumatilla saw a circular irrigation pipe that was 450 feet long from his car and wanted to know the area of it. Also why do people in math books not have Google to measure the height of the statue of the priest who has to prevent height induced nosebleeds? Most people would just, you know, Google it. I honestly do not know and I find word problems very frustrating because it is as if someone said, no, we need to find real life ways to apply this knowledge to the world. And then it was like, well, let's come up with the weirdest, most contrived real life ways that we could possibly think of

that are just so outside of anyone's experience that they might as well be scrummed. Right. If the idea is that, like, oh, you do use math in your everyday life, then you're gonna be like, but I'm never gonna go to you, Matilla. So this is irrelevant to me. I've always thought it was because, like, but I'm never gonna go to you, Matilla. So it's, this is irrelevant to me. I've always thought it was because like,

it's a way of trying to like, imprint the ideas by making the examples so weird and obscure that you like, you use the weirdness of the ideas as part of understanding the solution, but I truly don't know. And it has, I remember it striking me as very weird when I was like a middle school and high school student.

And I'm sure based on Claire's experience, things have not gotten more normal. I mean, yeah, I did that. One math video on Vlogbrothers, once upon a time, and I had some word problems at the end of it. And I did choose to make them as weird as possible, but I also tried to make them very life and death.

Like not my good boy, I wonder what the circumference of that irrigation pipe is. More like you are going to die if you cannot solve this math problem. Right. Quick. That's definitely the way to approach it. I mean, people need to understand that when you use math in your daily life, it's in an attempt to avoid being eaten by a bear. Yeah

Which is really that like in some ways it actually like when I use math in my everyday life It's almost always statistically and it is almost always pretty important to my life Yes, like I think that understanding statistics is very important to business and to, but also to like making sound decisions financially and for your family. Risk assessment, yeah, absolutely. I would very much like to see more statistics taught earlier on. I just think that people are often like, well, statistics isn't worth teaching if we can't get into the nitty gritties's and I'm like it's so is and we should. Yeah, maybe one of our math teacher listeners will be able to explain word problems to

us. In the meantime, Hank, we need to get to some names specific sign-offs because we got some great ones this week. All right. My favorite of the week came in from Sarah who wrote that she signs off her emails by saying, K-Sera, Sarah. That's real good. That's real good. That's real good.

Well, I let me get one. This person's name is Kean, who says my name's Pacific Sign-Off. Only if you realize that CIA and his pronounced Kean, a lock is what you put a Kean. That's pretty great. And Emma wrote in with a number of really good name specific sign offs, including Get Busy Living

or Get Busy comma Ryan. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha so that he could have a sign off. You're a wizard. And I like, also, she has one for Adam. It's not a bridge, it's comma, add-down. Psh. And she signs off her own email by writing, I've been faced with a real deal comma, Emma. Dill, Emma, it's there. It's there for me. I got it.

Yeah, yeah, it works, especially because maybe you could be faced with a real deal. Just like a pickle, like a real big deal. Yeah, yeah. Also, we have to just share one correction because Hank got something wrong again and it makes me so happy when he gets things wrong. Did I get something wrong?

He got two things wrong. First off, Amanda wrote in to say that in many places, it is not actually legal to pick up a rock. And that is true. Pick up a rock, just not make it in any way. But you can do it anyway. And Kelly wrote in to say, dear John and Hank, I am the onsite manager of a homeowners association.

And I would just like to pause right here and say, Kelly, there are some people who are doing the Lord's work and there are some people who are doing the Lord's work and you are the second kind. Oh my God. Let us pause to give thanks for Kelly and to all onsite manager of homeowners associations everywhere. I felt the need to write it on the topic from last week regarding whether or not it is okay to deposit your dog's poop into a neighbor's trash can.

Given the number of complaints I've received from homeowners regarding this very issue, I can assure you that the answer is a very strong no, it is not okay. I mean, why are these people going through their own trash? Well, how do you even know that it happened? I mean, I don't understand how you know it, like, it's the trash, at that point, it's trash. The only person who is gonna deal with it after this point is the person who puts it in the bag of the garbage truck. If anybody's gonna complain, it should be them.

I think the bigger issue is if there's a hole or if the bag breaks, then you've potentially got poop in the bottom of your trash can bin forever and you've got to clean it out. She went into a great detail and made a compelling argument. Also, if we can make life easier for the on-site managers of Homeowners Association's worldwide, please let us do that, because I have been to many a homeowners association meeting and I have never felt that kind of despair anywhere else. Yeah, I have also, and it is not grand.

Some people are good at it, some people can take that on and do it well. And I'm sure that Kelly is one of those people, but I am not Hank, we're recording this well in advance, so it's gonna be a little difficult for us to do the Mars and Wimbledon news, but we're gonna persevere by a bold new segment

in which we predict what the news from Mars and or Wimbledon will be 11 days from now. All right, what do you got? Okay, Hank, AFC Wimbledon will be 11 days from now. All right, what do you got? Okay, Hank, AFC Wimbledon in a really stunning turn of events played two games over the last nine days. They played Portsmouth and Blackpool, and this is gonna surprise you, but they won both games.

Six points from two games beating Blackpool two-one I think that's fantastic. with a last second winner from substitute Wild Taylor, the messy from Montserrat, the Montserratian Cristiano Ronaldo, some column, and then up against Port Smith, one of the biggest teams in League 1, a fan-owned club like AFC Wimbledon, Wimbledon won three-nil victory for AFC Wimbledon, Wimbledon won three-nil, three-nil victory for AFC Wimbledon in my hypothetical future against Portsmouth. I mean, I guess you're trying to maybe like get some accuracy out of this, but why don't

you just make it five? Sixteen. You know what? That's what you're right. I apologize. Lyle Taylor scored a hat trick and AFC Wimbledon beat Portsmouth by five goals. They beat, they won eight to three. Oh, man, those goalkeepers need to get their goalkeeping hands on. Oh, no.

Our goalkeeper stopped 47 shots. Oh, okay. Good. Good. Wow. I think there is another problem then. What will happen in Mars? In, in Mars News 11 days from now, if I have no anything

from Googling Mars News every week, it's that someone will feel as if they have seen something in a picture from the surface of Mars that either confirms the existence of aliens or confirms that NASA has not, in fact, gone to Mars and that it's all on a sound stage and that is a gum wrapper, isn't it? Yeah.

Hahaha. So I can confidently predict that there will be a story of that kind published somewhere on the internet 11 days from now. I think I don't think that's, I'm gonna encourage you to be bolder and go ahead and make a prediction that flat Marsism is going to spread through Twitter like wildfire.

Well, what do you think that flat-earthers think that marz is a planet? No, they also think that marz is flat. Do they? It's all, I don't know. Of course, I don't know. I don't pay any attention to flat-earthers. I believe that flat-erthers are 90% trolls and 10% very confused.

Even the 10% like their trolls, they just have internalized it so deeply that they forgot they were once trolls. But yes, I'm sure that they think Mars is a coin flipping out there in the so- Well, do it with turtles all the way down. so it's doing no, no, no, right. Turtles all the way down. Yeah, it's turtles all the way down, man.

I, um, I am right now on the flat earth society discussion boards. Um, for the question, is Mars Venus mercury, et cetera flat two? It's one of the leading topics of recent conversation on the flat earth discussion boards. Yep, there it is. Because the first comment, which is very compelling, is they look round through a telescope anyway, question mark. And then the first reply is they're round just like the earth. Because I believe that flat earthers believe's believed that the earth is round but just not spherical. Circular.

Circular but not spherical. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I mean, I feel like we need to read this entire, this entire thread. It's been, this conversation's been going on since 2010 but it is recently upto. I like the person who recently wrote,

look, no one is claiming that other celestial bodies are flat. Oh, no. Oh, no. Come on. Don't make us look like idiots here. Of course, Mars is spherical. Well, I mean, there was a reply to that, to that one that says,

each and every one of the heavenly bodies has the shape of a disc. There are no spherical planets, and then a lot of references. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm on that one now. Including the impossibility of a spherically shaped sun is all for it.

Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh man, oh god. Oh man, okay, I have to actually, you know what, that's it, that's it, that's it. I hit the limit, I'm off, I'm out. I'm out of it. I'm out of it. I get handle flat earth as I'm,

I cannot handle flat sun as I'm, I can't. I can't, I mean, I think there's a place for all kinds of opinions on the internet, but flat son is where I draw the line. So, all right, John. So aside from the futility of that John's down the Google hole, what did we learn today? I mean, I feel like I just un-warned so much. I mean, I feel like I just un-warned so much. Well, we learn that there are a lot of words for dingus, do, hikki, and thingamajig. And we learned that hikki is not just that that suck bruise. It's also, um,

it's also apparently a thing that the little dooder, the doodad, the dingus. We learn that Dexter Holland has a PhD in microbiology. I thought that he has a PhD? Yes! Oh man! Did you not listen to me while I was reading that? I didn't agree! I didn't!

No, it was a PhD! It's great! Is Dr. Dexter Holland of the offspring? Oh, that's wonderful. And lastly, we learned that pharmacy schools are really out to get those most unique of candidates. There is no such thing as being more or less unique if you are unique or unique. That's a personal... I should have let that go, but I didn't, and now I have to apologize for not letting it go.

Okay, thank you for pauding with me, Hank. I don't know how unique works, I don't know how pharmacy schools work either Pleasure If you want to email us you can do so at Hank and John at gmail.com We're also on Twitter. I'm John Greenhank is Hank green this podcast is produced by Rosie on a house Rohanson shared at Gibson It's edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Our community manager is Victoria Von Giorno.

You can find Dear Hank and John on Patreon where you can get our special weekly short podcast called This Week in Ryan's, where we discuss one famous Ryan throughout history who usually isn't actually named Ryan. This theme music that you are hearing right now is from the great Gunnarola. You can find him on YouTube at youtube.com slash Gunnarola.

And as they say, an hour hometown, don't forget D. Awesome. Bye.