Dear Hank & John - 112: Toaster Is a Wolf to Dog

Episode Date: October 24, 2017

Where does candle wax go? Can you just switch where you're sitting one day? Does saying "I love you" eventually lose its meaning? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Or is that for Think The Dear John and Hank? It's a comedy podcast about death where two brothers answer your question, give you to be advice and bring you one of the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. How are you doing, John? I'm doing well. We're in the same place. This is a real life podcast recording.

Yeah, we're in a hotel in Chicago, Niperville. And we are recording the podcast live in person. Well, in the background, I think the movie Hotel Transylvania is playing. You just keep us up to date on what's happening, because I can't see it. Oh, don't worry. Events are occurring. Since we last potted Hank, my new book, Turtles All the Way Down, was published. Yes, it happened.

And I'm so grateful to you for taking a month away from your life to tour with the book. And a week away from the pod, I'm sorry that we didn't get an episode out last week. I'm sorry, too, because that meant one week where I wasn't able to share reviews of the book, but don't worry, I'm going to share them now. Oh, is that what the whole podcast is going to be? No, not the whole podcast, just the first 40 minutes. Then we'll get to questions from our listeners. I hope you guys liked the book.

Thanks to everybody who pre-ordered it. And everybody who is reading it now, I'm so grateful and overwhelmed, and also still somewhat afraid about this whole thing. But the New York Times did call it wrenching and revelatory in the Wall Street Journal called it tender wise and hopeful. There were really lovely reviews all around. The Guardian said it might be a modern classic.

The Globe and Mail said that I didn't create a book so much as a place to have your most indefinable and grotesque thoughts articulated. I'm not sure if that's a compliment, but I like it. Yeah, I feel like actually really means because it sounds more authentic coming from from me rather than from you, but it's already happened. Yeah, there's no going back. What did Vox call it? Not not so much a teen romance as a... existential teenage scream. Yeah, that was guy liked that one a lot.

Yeah, well we're not quoting from the bad reviews, but there've only been a couple of those to be fair. Can I read to you some of my one star Amazon reviews, please? Oh, man This should be a whole podcast just talking to authors about their one star Amazon reviews. All right. Are you ready Hank? One star just to be clear my copy was stolen and I haven't read it yet Thank you. Thank you for leaving that one star. Oh my god. That's it. That's the whole thing That's not this one star review. Are you ready? Uh-huh so far there's only I'm encouraging more of these But there's only four one star reviews the book is 90% five and four star reviews, but the okay That my favorite one star review is that's gonna be a no for me from Jacqueline whose entire review

I'm gonna read it to you right now This is the review and its entirety not F Scott. I Think I think the Jacqueline means that I'm not F Scott Fitzgerald in which case like I strongly agree Uh-huh, and also if you thought that you were getting the great atsby It's a one-star book. Yeah, well the thing is the great guy the great atsby? They said one star book. Yeah, well the thing is, the great atsby is available. Like you could get it. You could go. But, but, but, F's got Fitzgerald,

little known fact, not currently writing. Not available. Unavailable for future engagements. From now until the end of the human species in eight weeks. Let's get to some questions from our listeners. It's a question to come from Haley who asks, no short poem for us. No. Dear Hank and John, I am a young writer and I really love writing stories and essays and all that stuff, but I hate letting other people read my work. I hate sharing it.

Yeah, I can relate, Haley. I feel like I'm giving tiny pieces of my soul to everyone who looks at my writing and that didn't turn out well for Voldemort. Well, I mean, it turned out okay for me. Turned out better for Voldemort than if he tapped his soul in one place. It's true. Yes. I think you might have misread the book, Hayley. Well, we're not encouraging, fracturing your soul and placing it inside of objects through

murder, but it will keep you alive. Just like drinking a unicorn blood, it will keep you alive. It's a strategy. So, please, how do I get comfortable sharing my stories with other people? I need to be as advice greatly appreciated. It's not rainy, it's not snowy, it's haily. Oh, that's a great name specific sign off haily. Here's the thing, you don't have to get comfortable with it if you don't want to. You don't have to share your work, but the fact that you're asking the question makes me think that you want on some level to share your work,

but you also are terrified of responses to it. And it does feel like, you feel very, I mean, well, I won't speak for you, Haley. I feel very exposed with this book in particular, but with all of my books, I feel very exposed when the book first comes out and very scared and very much like, you know, I am available for criticism that would eviscerate me and it would be hard for me not to let that hit me in the deepest parts of myself. And that should be the case because what you're

writing or what you're working on in your life, like it should matter to you. And so you should want to make it for people as a gift, if you want to write for an audience. And it is sad if people don't accept the gift or if they don't like it. It's a bummer. But also, I guess just two things. First off, you make it as a gift. And like a good gift,

you're not looking for somebody to say like, oh, I love this because you didn't make it for them to love it. You made it as a gift and you did your best. And as long as you can say that, I think you're in the clear. And secondly, your life is not your work. And you're going gonna be okay, even if people don't like your writing, which by the way, they probably will. Yeah. You gotta share, or else you will be your only reader, and you will be the only person giving you an E-feedback. And that is not how to grow as a creator if you want to be growing. Yeah, I mean part of how you get better is by negative feedback as uncomfortable as that is, and I think I've actually benefited a lot from negative feedback to my books in the past,

and to some extent already from this book. So I think you've got to listen, but it is hard. I don't want to minimize how hard it is because it is hard. This question comes from Hannah who writes, Dear Green Brothers, I've made a horrible mistake. I like a lady, so we were texting. She's very sweet and nice and I've known her for years. But we just started texting yesterday. I was telling my friend about her and my mushy feelings when I looked down on an iPhone,

you can take voice memos by pressing down and they send where you let go. I have sent this memo to her. It is of my voice saying my mushy feelings for her. She has not responded and I am very scared. A more wink at omnia. That means love conquer all. Hannah, do you know what, um, oh man, in the quote, what comes after love conquer all? What? Let me read it from the inside of my wedding ring. What? Let me read it from the inside of my wedding ring.

Dork. It knows Saddamas' M.O.A. BOT And so we shall yield to it. Oh. Oh yeah, that's good stuff. Hannah, you seem to have found yourself in the pot of a romantic comedy. The good news, Hannah, is that one day you're going to be able to mine this for a great story.

The bad news is you're going to have to burn this sucker to a great story. The bad news is you're gonna have to burn this sucker to the ground, walk away, and never speak to this person ever again. I mean, you just gotta look around and like Zach Braff there, like are you, like are you at a bar with all of your buds? Like, I feel anxious just answering this question, honestly, I mean.

So here's what I think. I think that there's a great chance that this voice memory was unintelligible because every time I get a butt dial I'm like what are they saying I don't know when I hang up so it's good good chance that it was just rustling noises and the person was like oh clearly it's a butt dial so it's possible if that were the case I think you would have gotten a reply text that was like I think you butt dialed me or texted me. I don't think that you would have gotten no reply at all. I think the no reply at all. I don't want to. But may isn't it like maybe a cute little origin story for their fledgling relationships?

Here's the other thing Hank, it's been seven weeks since Santa sent this email. So I think now it's... Probably work for self-help. But when this happens again, in a future episode of How I Met Your Mother, I think what it happens to you, my feeling is you've got to go aggressively, you've got to immediately say that was an accident. Yeah, I am really sorry. So this happened to me once, with a TV network that will go unnamed. I do, yes.

They sent Hank and I an offer to be on their new TV network, to be a TV star on their TV network. And, you know, Hank and I didn't know much about Hollywood then, and we thought the offer would be for a lot of money, and it would be tempting. We were still going to say no, but we thought it would be difficult. Instead the offer was for what I would describe, I feel like I can't be specific for legal reasons, but I would describe it as low for figures. And I replied, I thought to Hank saying,

this is ridiculous, I wouldn't do it for a hundred times that. And I did not reply just to Hank. I replied to everyone. And they said, okay, kind of. They were like, well, let's talk about that. And I was just like, no! Like if you are the kind of person who can offer that amount while having the flexibility up to that other amount, I feel already very manipulated by you.

Exactly. We already can't work together. Just based on your, like, the range of your you. Exactly. We already can't work together. Just based on your like the range of your negotiating. Yeah. It's unacceptable. Yeah. Clearly, if you were willing to pay that much, you shouldn't have ordered, offered the other number.

This next question comes from Georgia, who asked deargens if you were very exposed for having talked about that at all. Like, I'm a jerk for turning down any money. I really enjoy candles. This is from Georgia. Yeah. I usually burn a lavender candle while I'm a jerk for turning down any money. I really enjoy candles. This is from Georgia. Yeah. I usually burn a lavender candle while I'm studying to attempt to release myself from the prison of stress that constantly surrounds me. I'm confused to this. I am confused as to this. Where does all the wax go? Is the wax somehow evaporating?

I didn't think that that could happen. And if it does, what happens when it condenses? Is there a thin layer of wax on the ceiling of my study? Or is it just floating in the air? And now my study is 97% candle. How do candles even work? Help me. Candles and coffee, Georgia, Georgia Green. Candles and coffee, Georgia. First of all, you have a study? That's awesome. That's great. Congratulations. Yeah. And she's included a picture of her candle, and it's, it's, uh, clearly decreased in candleness. Hey, I don't know the answer This question because I think the last time I intentionally lit a candle was during my first French kiss Like you are currently like you had a tongue in someone else's mouth and a lighter on a candle No, I lit the candle and it was the last day of camp. You've heard this story. Oh, yeah, and I wrapped my arms around my girlfriend

My hair caught on fire and my hair burned I mean that candle like like there's this ceremony at that summer camp It's like everybody gets candles you sing a song and then everybody hugs each other Which is just like lighting each other on fire? There's the only thing that happens the entire summer camp smells like burned hair. Yeah my first every time Why do they keep doing this? Well, I mean, they probably don't give you. They probably stomped right now. These days, what are they probably use?

Just iPhone, yeah, iPhone flashlights. Yeah, yeah. The answer to your question, Georgia, and I'm gonna answer this non-scientifically, and then Hank's gonna answer it scientifically. The answer to your question is that the wax goes to heaven. Yeah, that's where it lives now. So candles are made up of like a fuel.

So that paraffin is, you know, it's a fossil fuel at this point, probably is where it came from. Sometimes it comes from bees, but usually it comes from, it's like extracted from oil. And it burns just like any other fuel. It turns into carbon dioxide and water for the most part.

And so it is, it is the wax of the candle that is burning so in the same way when you burn a log like the log goes away Because it turns into gas and you burn a candle it goes away because it turns into gas That's what's up. It's pretty cool I was very confused about that myself at one point and then I was like I thought that like the candle This did like keep the wick from burning. That's what I thought too. Yeah, but no, the wick is there to bring the the liquid paraffin up to the flame. This question comes from James and he writes, dear John and Hank, every day I read the bus to school and every day I sit in the exact same seat.

It's the perfect seat right at the front so I don't need to walk a long way. I'm first off the bus. I'm on the right hand side so I don't make awkward eye contact with the bus driver in their large review mirror and I'm away from all the noisy kids in the back I couldn't ask for a better seat at seven o'clock in the morning Jesus Christ James and they make you go to school at seven o'clock in the morning It's a prison camp Good God that's what I'm just cool. It's a form of torture. It's terrible Who wants to learn anything at seven o'clock in the morning let alone calculus? It is not a good system

Who wants to learn anything at seven o'clock in the morning let alone calculus? It is not a good system. Oh, I think it's not a good system. Like there's lots of research That's like this is a bad thing especially a teenager research to know it I've been a teenager who woke up at seven o'clock in the morning once yeah teenagers have delayed like like there's a thing that happens when you reach You know your teenage years is you start naturally staying up later and getting up later and we do the opposite to them in school. It's something that I'd legitimately upsetting. There's lots of structural, logistical reasons why we do it, but it's very bad for actual education.

I mean, then I would argue the structural reasons aren't that good. Right, well. Not right. Anyway, that's not Jameson's question. For the last couple days, my seat has been taken over by other kids on the bus. I know they probably have no ill intent, but you can't just switch where you sit one day. They see me roll, and I'm Hayton, Jameson. Thanks.

Thank you for doing that. You can just switch where you sit, Jamison. Unfortunately, yeah, there is no rule about who gets to sit where on the bus. Now, you had a good seat for a long time and now you don't anymore. Like, you could go, you're just where you are on the bus route. You have to pick a seat from the available seats. I would say maybe you can go to the people who are sitting there now and you can say, listen, is this something that is a big deal for you

because it is kind of a big deal for me? Now it has been a while since I was a high school student. Hey, I will not make that suggestion. I didn't crush it as a high school student and that might be part of why. You have to deal with this and you have to deal with it at seven o'clock in the morning when no one, no one on the bus wants to be awake.

Everybody is just awake and hating it. All right, this question comes from Chin who writes, do you think if you tell someone you love them again and again enough times it loses its meaning? Does it matter if you say it when you aren't actually feeling love for them in that moment specifically? But you know you love them present tense not just then but all the time

I'm not very good at words, but I hope you get what I mean pumpkins and penguins chin. I think you explain that really well I think you are really good at words. Chin. I think you're under selling yourself. Here's the thing I do not believe that love is a feeling Tell me more why sir So when I was doing my Catholic engage in counter, it's a two day, I mean, the most important in my life. Seriously, he brings up the Catholic engage in counter with me more than anything, and I'm not saying

that there's anything wrong with it. I think that's great. And like, maybe we should all be doing this Catholic engage me, like, at least I think everybody should have two days where they are forced to talk with the people They love about stuff. Yeah, right. I agree So I we Sarah and I when we were engaged we did this two-day Catholic engagement counter I did not want to do it at all I

Begged Sarah when we were in the parking lot of the monastery to just skip it. This was stupid monastery. Oh, yeah I had to bunk with strangers. Were there monks? Yes. It was a stressful situation. I'm not Catholic. I don't know a lot about Catholicism and it was a stressful situation. However, it was incredibly helpful because they asked us big questions that we had to write essays back about, took back and forth with each other that we still read however many years later. Anyway, at the Catholic Engage Encounter, they told us that love is a feeling,

but it is also a decision. And to me, when you say I love you again and again and again, what you are definitely doing, regardless of the feeling, is reaffirming that decision that you have decided to be, and I know that sounds kind of unromantic and I apologize but I think that like parts of love are parts of romantic love are super romantic and parts of romantic love are not and I think that's okay.

So yeah, I don't know what that noise was but please meet your phone. That is all I have to say and I'm going gonna let Hank's phone take it from here. I like that I asked you to mute your phone and the first thing you did was make your phone make another noise. I didn't make it make a noise. You were like, oh I know how to make it make a different noise. I didn't cast a text to me. I have like 15 minutes to finish this. Well it's gonna take longer than that.

Okay well it isn't I'm going to make you leave. So, this next question comes from Kenya, who asks, dear Hank and John, what do you think would be the best food to build a house out of considering structural integrity, via, considering structural integrity, livability, and environment? This question came up on a road trip, and since we couldn't agree on the best answer,

we're asking you, no, I can't can yet Oh, I got it. Yeah, took me a second Jim Can you yeah, okay hit me I thought about this a lot I have as well Peanut iminems. Oh Well, I mean the thing like gingerbread houses seemed to last a long time. Yeah, but that is not an edible food Gingerbread houses seem to last a long time. Yeah, but that is not an edible food. Gingerbread houses are edible food. I mean, if you are extremely highly motivated, maybe,

if you are experiencing some kind of like, if you're over hydrated and you need something to dry out your mouth. That's what you need to do to bread. I drink too much water. Great. I like a gingerbread cookie, but nobody likes a gingerbread house.

No. Well, I mean, little bits of it. You're right, you're right. But, like, but, this isn't like, this is what food. And that's food. But, but, but, wait for this one. Okay. What animal is it food for? Is it food for a beaver wood? Buy a build your house out of wood. Build your house out of wood because it's beaver food. That's good.

Or build your house out of bricks because everybody knows that unicorns eat bricks. Yeah, maybe. Or you build your house out of, what if you build your house out of glass and steel? Because that's a wonderful meal if you're a genetically engineered microorganism that is genetically engineered to eat glass and steel. That's a wonderful meal if you're a genetically engineered microorganism that is genetically engineered to eat glass and steal

That's a good Hank that's nice and tight We're very tired, okay, but I've been on the road together for like 13 days I've never been this tired. I have been this time I'm a the the bus sleeping has made me quite sore. I my back hurt so Sleeping on the bus is one of the least fun sleeps I've ever had. There's a number of pains that I didn't really expect. Also, there is a noise in the back,

in the back four bunks. There is a noise, have you heard that noise? Pssss. No, no, no, no. There's a constant banging noise. That is, at first, it's like's like oh that's a pretty that's that's a soft noise it sounds almost like just like a little drum just like a little drum beat and then like one hour in to trying to go to sleep you're like

that is actually the loudest noise that has ever happened and it isn't like a little drum beat because it's just random enough to make my brain not be able to calm down so here hang on our complaining about our very fancy tour bus and the poor quality of sleep that we get on it. Oh my god. Wow. We're an embarrassment. We are.

This question comes from Liam who writes, dear green brothers, my boyfriend, who I love dearly has recently taken a political stance I find troubling. Well, what is the political stance? Oh, he says. Some people from our school want to start a conservative club, but he's currently trying to get the club banned because he doesn't want to give them the platform. I don't think that just because somebody disagrees with my values, they shouldn't be allowed

to space to discuss their opinions. I just don't really know what to say to them because it's weird and I don't want to be rude. Liam. Well, disagreeing isn't necessarily being rude. Yeah. You've got to have relationships with people and you're going to that you're not really really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really too much with a person because I think they're just trying to avoid conflict. Right. And I'm like, well, but do you really think all of the things that I think?

And it's, and I like, yeah, because I don't, like, you have to be your own people. And that means that you're going to have moments where, and it's okay to disagree and, like, and to have those conversations and to come out of it, not have income to a conclusion where you're both on the same page. Although I have to say Hank, that I feel like you and I, when we disagree, I don't want to generalize, but every time we've disagreed in the last, like, year or so, six weeks after our disagreeing, you call me

and you say you were right all along. Yes, it's happened. It has happened. I'm not going to say every single disagreement we've had because I don't keep all list. I mean, I'll be like, I'm pretty sure that the social internet is bad for the social order. And Hank will be like, that's ridiculous. How could you make such a... That's not what I said.

But I have come around to your perspective. Yeah, okay. That's how I feel about this situation. This question comes from Jayden, who said, you'll have to learn to love each other and disagree and do it productively. Jayden says, dear John and Hank, if you find one sock in the dryer, do you have an extra sock or a missing sock?

I mean, it's a great way to think about it because obviously you have a missing sock because it's not like you didn't have the socks before Right, you had the socks and then one disappeared probably unless you have a new sock and which is in many ways More upsetting. It's more disturbing if you're washing machine or dryer is creating socks from the materials Like that's good. it's concerning me just because artificial intelligence has gotten too good. Yeah, like the wind drawer popped out and it was like, you know, I've got enough for

a-r-guile cotton one. It's gonna have some elastic bits too. Boy, I tell you what, this is the not how entropy works. I 3D printed this sock for you and then put it in the back of myself. Thank you for drawing with me. I put your favorite slogan on it. It says, Memento Mori, available at Dave's It's Not.

It's not yet. I like this idea though, because I never thought of losing a sock as a glass half full situation. Right. At least I didn't lose both socks. But it kind of is. Yeah, I've got this extra sock now. And then you can, I think that you can do some cool things with unmatching socks.

What do you think about just not wearing matching socks? So I did that for many years. I wore mismatching argylsons almost every day, intentionally, and I wish I could say like in my teens, but like in my early 30s I weren't mismatching our gal socks intentionally most days and It solved some problems and it created others what I found in

More recently in my life is that I will wear mismatching socks when I have is that I will wear mismatching socks when I have singles. But I like pairing my socks for a variety of reasons. I just think it makes everyone's life a little bit easier, both for laundry and for getting dressed in the morning. That way I don't have to like double the amount of time I spend thinking about socks. Like what would go with this purple argyll sock instead of being like green or red?

I could just be like, oh, purple argyle sock instead of being green or red? I could just be like, oh, the purple argyle sock. So here's a thing that I did not, until my thirties do. Yep. Which is, I have a separate spot for the singles. Because what happens is if I do a little laundry, what might not be that I lost the sock, I might just be in the next one and then like,

but if I've got this sock, I just throw it in with the other socks. So like an unpaired sock with the paired socks. And when that other sock shows back up, it might be the next day. It might be three weeks from now. But if I put the singles in a separate spot and then like I can go through that

every once in a while and be like, okay, this single has been sitting here unmatched. I can get rid of that, or turn it into a dish rag or something. Don't watch your dishes with a foot. There you go. Foot holder. Don't do that.

That's a place where your stink, but foot goes. Said stink, but foot. It's real high quality podcasts. It's real good. Yeah, you get what I'm saying. I totally do. Let's move on. Don't have a question.

Can I explain it more fully please don't I think we're all I think we all got there this question comes from Alan order writes dear brothers green my beloved Collie is the light of my life I love him like the seas love the moon. I'm worried about where this is gonna go However, I know because every time we get a question and the first sentence is about the dog by the end of the email The dog is dead or or like what should we do about my dying dog? Right, and I'm making it. I can't, I think. I'm stressed out enough about my own dying dog.

I can't deal with yours. However, he is very frightened of the toaster. Oh, things are taking a positive turn. Oh, good. I mean, here's great news, Eleanor. Your collie is fine. Every time we try to make toast, he holds onto one of his toys like a security blanket starts winding and barking and is clearly distressed. That is sad. I'm trying to

shutting him out of the kitchen, distracting him, shushing and fussing over him, but so far, no look. I would give up toast if I had to, but if you provide a possible solution, I'd be very grateful as I do like toast. All right. She signs off Lupus canister, which Google translates to, Toaster is a wolf to dog. Alan or that was fantastic. Is a fantastic email around you, also sent in a very cute picture of your board of colleagues looking very distressed.

I mean, okay, I'm gonna say it, toasters are stressful. Toasters are stressful. That's what it is. How come I have been toasting my whole life and yet still when the toast pops out of the toaster I'm like HUUUGH! Like as if a man has broken into my house with an axe is how I feel. Can I just make an observation before we move on with this question?

I feel like right now we just did this show in front of 1100 people and I feel like this is a great example of the difference between Hank and me because Hank has so much energy right now Like he is like bursting with energy. There's a man with an axe in his house and the toaster and it's great And I feel like I have been drained of all of my life blood I feel like I was like John do you want to go pod? I feel like Voldemort just drank all my unicorn blood And now I'm trying to like stagger out of the forbidden forest and it's like You wanna go pod? I feel like Voldemort just drank all of my unicorn blood. And now I'm trying to like stagger out of the forbidden forest and it's like, buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh bu in the toaster man. Where should I toast it? In the microwave. Oh, I disappointed in you. That's not toasting, that's hotting.

Yeah. You just get glutenous squishy, Nis. It's very warm and it's very soggy and it's delicious. You just, okay, it's not toast. It's a warm bread. Correct, I'm on paid. What about the oven? What about the oven?

You could do it, you could do it. You could do it. You could also get a toaster oven, which is, I think, much less terrified than that toaster. But it still makes that, like, it still has that countdown, which is a little stressful, and then it's like, ting!

But you could just stop, in my experience, we have a toaster oven because, I mean, now I'm gonna say I'm weird, but like, I don't like toaster ovens with the binging. I'm fine with it as a reminder, but I don't want it to be a requirement to acquire toast. Right, so we have a toaster oven that you can turn off without the binging.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, most toaster ovens have the ability to be a little oven, and you just like set it to 415 that you can just start without the binging yeah yeah yeah that mean most of the ovens have the ability to be a little of it is like set it to 415 you toast it was 20 bucks though elinor and I don't know what your budget is for toaster ovens but that seems like the easiest solution and then the second solution would just be to microwave your bread

and turn it into like a hot nasty soggy ball buttery goob all yeah yeah yeah actually now that I'vegy ball. Buttery Gooball. Yeah, yeah. Actually, now that I've said the phrase buttery gooball, I actually kind of want a one. This podcast, by the way, brought to you by buttery gooballs. Yep. Buttery Gooball, brain buttery gooballs, the veil ball wherever buttery gooballs are sold.

This podcast is also brought to you by accidentally sending a voice memo to somebody you have a crush on. Accidentally sending a voice memo to somebody you have a crush on just run away and just everything will be fine but not for like seven years. This podcast is also brought to you by the air in your study which is now 97% candle wax. And lastly this podcast is brought to you by Jameson school Jameson school starting at seven No good all right, I can't answer a couple more questions from our listeners before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon Like to delay the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon as long as possible this question comes from Mickey who asks, dear, brother is green, I have a fear,

that's something I consider irrational. I am scared of Elon Musk. He just seems like the guy in every movie that you suspect would be the main villain as soon as they walk on screen. There's something very Lex Lothorey in about him and freaks me out. Perhaps this whole rich guy who wants to explore space thing.

I don't trust it. PS, I'm not convinced you two are completely trustworthy,. I'm so fine I may blow your mind. Mickey. It's a good one Mickey. I also don't have a ton of trust in us. I think Mickey here's the thing. I think it makes sense to be distrustful of people who benefit from existing power structures because they will always be biased by how much they've benefited from those power structures. That is a good point.

I also think that it is good to be a little bit suspicious of billionaires because that's a lot of money. And you don't get all of it by being nice. I will say that probably there are a lot of billionaires that we don't hear about, that we should be more suspicious of. Yes, I actually am less suspicious of Elon Musk than I am. Because at least he's like a public, like I know that billionaire billionaire. Yeah, most billionaires are very quiet about it.

Doing things behind the scenes. They have time share companies and stuff. I think, um... What's a time share company? Uh, you really want me to get into the business of time shares when I'm so tired, I feel like I might die at any moment. Can you give me update on the Plata Hotel Transylvania behind me? Uh, the Hotel Transylvania, there's Bat, and there's a sewing. I believe we've entered the beginning of Act 3.

I think things got as bad as they could get, and now, Transylvania, there's Bat and there's a sewing. I believe we've entered the beginning of Act 3. I think things got as bad as they could get. And now this invisible thing with glasses is putting on its makeup and it's very charming. Okay, so to move back to the question, I don't think there's anything, hey, please stop watching Hotel Transylvania. We have to end this podcast.

But I, so I think when you have a lot, a lot, a lot of resources, people should be a little suspicious of you. They should hold you to a high standard. And like, it's same thing when you have a lot, a lot, a lot of power. Yeah. I also like, I kind of worry about Elon Musk's health. Like, he seems to be going hard. He's a hard charger, but I mean some people want it, look, you only get one ride on this carousel and some people really want to suck the marijuana life. I'm not one of them, but some people do. That's what a nibble around.

I get rid of life. I'm not a marijuana guy, you know? Like hitting life with a rock to get at that last calorie. No, yeah No, I only like the very precious cuts of meat. Yeah, what what all does take the good? Yeah, that's the fine the fine this metaphor is not great. It's led to a troubling situation I don't like it. We're both suspicious of Elon Musk But I also have to say I really like a lot of what Elon Musk is doing and I think that he's a fascinating person and I have to say overall I am glad that he is in the world and I do wish him well and I wish him much success because we need people especially when

it comes to responsible energy usage and figuring out like sustainable energy solutions. We need the smartest people on those problems. And Elon Musk is on that problem. Unlike most of the smartest people who are, you know, seven time shares or whatever, getting, making billions do at Walmart. Do in Walmart being the third generation Walmart. Yeah, right. You know, turning, turning money into more money through money, questionable money instruments. It's my favorite line, Jonathan Leatham's novel, Chronic City, one of the characters describes his job as moving the pile of money around,

trying to make it bigger. It's worked some, but I do worry about the long-term sustainability of just rolling the money ball. It has it sticks to more and more money. It's got a lot of catamari, but with money. So, John, what is the news from ASE Wimbledon? The news from ASE Wimbledon. Since we last ponded, Hank, there was this huge spur of hope. ASE Wimbledon won two games in a row scoring a total of four goals in those two games, which nearly doubled their number of goals for the entire season. This is good, this is good.

Things were looking good, but then, then, AFC Wimbledon played Plymouth R-Gyle, who were in the very basement of League 1. I'm not like, there weren't any more. They weren't even worse than AFC Wimbledon. Yes, and lost. That was a home game oh god and we lost to Pymeth Argyle one nail and this means that now after 15 games a F C Wimbledon have accrued 15 points that is probably not a pace that is good enough to not get relegated we will probably have to improve the number of points per game above one

to not get relegated. So you have to start winning some games. Winning or tying, but winning would be even better. Just stop losing. You know it would be great. Goals. Goals, thanks. A-T-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-S-K-SUMBELD and goals. Thank you. The Mars, so NASA has just discovered a weird thing about Mars. So as you know, Mars does not have a magnetic field. Right. It does not have a strong magnetic field,

but it turns that it does have something of a magnetic field. So it's magnetic field shut down a long time ago. But there is some residual magnetic field, and I'm not entirely clear on where that's coming from. If it's like permanent dipoles left over from like the inducement of the old magnetic field or if there's just still some stuff moving around inside of it, which it seems like there might still be a little bit of volcanic activity maybe down in the depths there. Those certainly nothing that would do. Make

the kind of magnetic field that the earth has. But, weird thing, Mars, it turns out in the way that this weak magnetic field interferes with the solar wind is created with these high energy particles being pushed up by the sun, is creating this weird magnetic tail, like rather than a magnetic sphere around a planet, it's like this tail thing. Like Mars is a comet in the magnetic field. It's like a little magnetic tail, like rather than a magnetic sphere around a planet, it's like this tail thing.

Like Mars is a comet in the magnetic field. It's like a... Yeah, it's like it's weird, because as it travels around the sun, it's leaving this tail behind. It is apparently according to Geno de Braquillo of NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center, it's unique in the solar system,

just calling it a magnetotail, just because that sounds good. That sounds great Yeah, and it may be that this this tail actually had something to do with The mechanism of how the atmosphere of Mars was stripped away so all this The gases that maybe just like evaporated water carbon dioxide That was once around the planet has been pushed off. They think this might have something to do with that, which is part of why it's hard place to be to live.

Yeah. Wow. I mean, that just makes me think that someday our magnetic field might turn into a magnetic tail and then everyone will be like, was there ever life on this planet? Probably not. Now, they'll be able to see the stuff. Will they? I mean, for a while. Thanks for listening.

To Dear Hank and John. Truly a comedy podcast about death. This was great fun potting with you Hank. I'm so tired though. I was fun. I'm so tired though. Thank you for listening. so tired. No, I'm sorry, did you do that? I was fun! I'm so tired though. Thank you for listening. We're not going to record this weekend rions. No, we aren't.

We are barely had enough to record this podcast. This is why it's so short. Yeah, I'll try this. But we will, we'll be back next week with both this weekend rions and a full, just brilliant episode of the podcast. We're going to hit it out of the park. Everything that this wasn't, that will be. This podcast is produced by Rosiana Hossero,

Hassan Sheridan, Gibson, and it's edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Our theme music is by the great Grunnarola. Our Community and Communications Manager is Victoria Bonjourno, and as they say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ you