Dear Hank & John - 113: Aardvarks with Guns

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

Is outer space full of vampires? Am I engaged? Why haven't our mouths evolved to be better at pumpkin spice lattes? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank & John. Of course I prefer to think of it dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast about death where two brothers answer your questions, give you a big advice and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. How you doing John? I'm doing well. We're in the same place right now. We're both in Mizzoula, Montana.

Hank right now is opening up one of the 378 pieces of peanut butter taffy. We received here at the Mizzoula offices. Thank you, person who sent that. Hank, do you have a name? I've just salty roared on the package. I don't know Hoshantep. Well, we're very grateful for it. And if you could just turn the microphone away

and also leave the room, because that is the loudest chewing noise I have ever heard in my entire life. What's really cherry? Oh my God. I just found out a new fear that I have or a new thing that causes me anxiety and it is the sound of my brother chewing loudly. So I'm doing well. Hank, for the last three weeks we've been on tour together and I have been engaging in an experiment. I don't know if you've known about this, but I've been engaging in an experiment called how poor does a hotel bathtub have to be for me not to want to take a bath in it. So what are the qualities of a tub? Well,

you're looking for an a tub. There's cleanliness obviously. That's probably at the top of the list for me. And then there's depth and width and length, all of which are important. And of course, in the opinion of America's hotels are important in that more of them means more water wasted. So they try to absolutely minimize the depth, length, and height of a bathtub, which is meant

that I've taken a lot of baths where I was like, I feel like a big person baths where I was like, I feel like a big person in a tiny, tiny bathtub. I feel like this bath doesn't make for a girl to have been a little ball in the fetal position on your side just being like, how do I get more of my body into the water? Just barely get my knees wet or my shoulders wet. Never both. It occurs to me that this may be why I don't take baths

because this is what my bath tubs have always been like in my homes. Oh no, that's one of the first things that I make sure of. I can't get my knees and my shoulders in at the same time. Oh well then, what is the point of going on living? Yeah, okay, maybe I don't like baths because I've never had a true bath.

Oh my God, I imagine being 37 years old and discovering for the first time ever, how good baths can be. Hot tubs are not baths. Hot tubs are filthy. Hot tubs are taking baths with a bunch of people. Do you know? That's all take a bath together. It's basically what you say when you say let's go into the hot tub. What a weird idea. Let's all go take a bath together. But with a pants on, hopefully. Oh God, I don't wanna talk about hot tubs.

It's funny for somebody who really loves baths. I really hate hot tubs. I think that's understandable. Cause like the bath water, you make it go away. This is my main problem with baths. Is that I feel like I'm in butt water because my butt's in the same water that it's like hot butt water.

Because my butt's, yeah. So, but in a hot tub, it's like ancient butt water. It's like the butt water of potentially thousands of people and on different days. Yeah, that's what I kind of feel about the hotel bathtub, but so far it hasn't dissuaded me. And as you know, I brought bath salts and bath bombs. I do know this. And so almost every night after the show, I'm enjoying some bath salts and bath bombs.

Before we get to the questions from our listeners, we just have to mention one thing really quickly, which is that very soon after this podcast is uploaded, Hank and I will be almost all the tourists sold out except for San Francisco, where Hank and I are going to be on Halloween. It's going to be a Halloween spectacular, there's gonna be a costume contest. Hank and I are going to be extensively costumed. And there may be costume changes. My Halloween costume for the San Francisco show

is so freaking good. I don't know what it is. It's so good, I don't wanna brag. But it's phenomenal. So if you wanna get tickets to see us in San Francisco, you can do that at turtles all the way down book.com, but you can't get tickets to CS anywhere else. Sorry.

Don't we have Pleasanton? Oh Pleasanton, yeah. Also in the San Francisco area, they're also tickets available for that on November 1st. Yeah, on November 1st, or possibly October 30th. I think it's November 1st, but I could be wrong. Who knows? Point being, we're looking forward to the last week of our tour.

Yeah, also looking forward to being back home with our families. The nice thing about catching the tail end of the tour is that we're good now. We've got it sewn up, we know what we're doing. I know where all my laugh lines are, and I might throw a new one in to see how it goes, and as the tour goes, I'm like, I know all the best.

I know how to do it best. We're better. I wouldn't say we're good yet. I think we put together a pretty stellar experience, honestly. I walk out of that show and I'm like, we did, it was tight. There was a lot of ups and downs.

Hey, I'm not just trying to sell tickets here, but I am trying to sell tickets. In addition to other things. I love the confidence of my brother and also wish for it. Let's answer some questions from our listeners. This question comes from Matt who writes, Dear John and Hank, why does the AMPM change at 12 instead of 1? This makes no sense.

Step over the door. Matt. No, I'll step over the door, Matt. Why don't you just step on the door, Matt? That's what the door Matt the door, Matt. Why don't you just step on the door, Matt? That's what the door, Matt's formed, Matt. I would step on it. Yeah. I don't care about the bottom of my shoes,

touch another people's bottoms of their shoes. No. It's not like a hot tub situation. No, it's really kind of the opposite of a hot tub situation. I have like three layers of protection between me and the door, Matt. The door, Matt, what's the time? The door, Matt's not getting into my toes. And even if it does, like,

what do I care what my feet are experiencing? They're gross anyway. I'm not gonna put them on my mouth. Oh, unless you're a baby. No, so we have to cut that Nick. Nick's in the room. For the first time ever, Nick's in the room. So now when I say we have to cut that Nick,

I'm actually speaking to Nick. Yeah. Nick, we have to cut that. Keep it. Keep all of this. All right. So I look this up and then I forgot. Yeah. Great. Which I to cut that. Keep it. Keep all of this. All right. So I look this up and then I forgot. Yeah.

Great. Which I've done a many different times. So it just me basically like, A-M means before noon and PM means after noon. And so or yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. So with a switch from PM to AM happens when it becomes before noon.

Yeah, right. And so it is before it is after midnight and before noon at 1201. And the important thing to note is that in everywhere else, that's not midnight. that in everywhere else, that's not midnight. It is, it's midnight, but it's not 12. It's zero. Right. Yeah. Oh, oh, yeah. They always talk about 0800 hours or 0 dark 30. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I'm gonna revel with you Hank, I'm not in the military. Zero day 30. Zero doesn't sound like a thing that's happened. I think it's called zero dark 30 and zero bright 30. That's my guess.

Zero bright 30. Yeah, so it's just like, hey everybody, we're gonna meet for the big raid at zero bright 30. Zero dark 30 is a very late or a very early time of day. What is the opposite of zero dark 30? It's a very time between very early time of day. What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30?

What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30?

What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30?

What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? What is the opposite of zero dark 30? half an hour past noon. Is it just 12.30? That's what it is. It's 12.30 because they're doing. They use a 24 hour calendar. So that's what it is. It's 12.30. Yeah, it's a calendar. Hank, a 24 hour calendar. It's a wall calendar.

We're moving on to the next question. It's my- What do you have the new Apple eye calendar? Yeah, it's great. I actually make that mistake frequently when I'm setting my alarm because we've had to get up at weird hours on this tour And I always hit calendar and then I'm like, where's my alarm clock?

So actually, yes, that is true. This question comes from it's your turn to ask a question. This question comes from our listener Greta who asks, dear Hank and John, my best friend and I have our first class of the day together And she is a forgetful person. I am this person by the way. Almost every day she asks me for a pen to borrow. I don't know why I never brought pens to school but I am this person, which is fine with me. But then throughout the class she chews on it? No, I am not this person.

No, your friend Greta is no longer your friend. Greta, this person is not your friend. Greta. I think I not your friend. Greta. I think I've done this before. Shoot on someone else's pen. Well, I am an inveterate pen, you are, or I want to share, who is in college and high school.

Of course, I no longer own or use pens, except Sharpies. I'm actually exponsored. This whole tour, by the way, I've been signing with the Sharpies at me, 96 free Sharpies, because I guess they don't listen to the pod. Um. And the whole tour I've been signing with my green Sharpies that say John Green's number one marker.

And in almost every city, a bookseller is like, did you get personalized Sharpies made? And I'm like, I'm not sure if it makes it better or worse that I got personalized Sharpies sent to me. Yeah, like, yeah. Unasked for personalized Sharpies. I didn't ask for them in so many words, but I did at reply Sharpie and just let them know that I was a big customer. You are a big customer. So Greta goes on to say,

what am I supposed to do when she gives me the pen back? Take the Slopper pen or just let her keep it. Yeah, let her keep it. She might as well have peed on it. Like this is her pen now. This is not how you claim ownership over your pens. Just like, yeah. I have a drawer and I just pee in there

a little every morning. These are mine. Yeah, I think it takes the same approach to ownership as dogs do. I mean, how else do you mark your turf, man? It's legal. It's like blockchain. It's better than blockchain, peeing on stuff.

Greta, here's the answer to your question. When the person hands you back the chewed pen, you look them dead in the eye and you say, I would like you to keep that pen and remember to bring it back tomorrow and remember to bring it back every day for the rest of class. Or yeah. Greta buys for $1.50 of like 25 pens.

And then just has like a pen supply for her friend. And just like says like, you know, hey, we're buds and like, and I'm just gonna keep this in my bag and this is already earmarked. And I've lost these pens. Right. And if the, the friend gives the pen back, you say,

you keep it and if they're like, oh, I insist that you take this, the thing that I might as well have peed on, you just throw, like, bring a zip lock. And place it in and it like it's an evidence bag. That's just so close enough. I'll have Pete on, you just throw, like, bring a Ziploc. And place it in there like it's an evidence. That's just so close enough. And it just toss it in the trash.

That's a way of making it absolutely clear. No, this is what you're doing to do. You bring a Ziploc and then you take the pen from your friend and you place it in the Ziploc and then you write out a little tag, like the date and you place that and you zip it up right in front of her, or him. I don't know, you didn't mention the gender of this person. Then when they go visit you in your dorm room eventually,

you have this huge, framed collection of all the signs of all the signs that date these guys. Yeah, it's like a sports room where they have like every one of the home runs from that year, just like tacked up, but instead it's all of a sports room. A locker room, I think is the place I was thinking. That's what's called a sports room. You know how sometimes people like when their baby gets

the first haircut, they keep a lock at the hair from the first haircut. I don't know, has Orn had a haircut yet? No, no, no. So we did that. But one time I was visiting somebody, I'm not gonna name them for reasons that will become obvious. And I went into the bathroom and I noticed that they had a huge collection of locks of hair. And I found out that they had saved a lock of hair from every haircut their child had ever gotten until the age of 18.

Oh. Were they like separately bagged or were they just like in a pile? No, they were framed. Oh. Each individual one, each individual one with a date below the frame. And I was like, who's that? Until 18. So I came outside and I was like, hey, in your bathroom.

In your bathroom. It's a public space. It's the guest bathroom. It wasn't like the only bathroom in the home. It was the guest bathroom. And so I was like, and they also had a really good art collection. So I thought maybe like, maybe it's art. Maybe it's art. And I went in so I was like, hey, who made the piece of the with the hair? It's art and they said, oh no, that's our kids hair.

And I was like, oh yeah, no, of course. Totally. That's normal. That's like my friend Greta has a pen collection of chewed pens. It's very similar. John, do you want another most embarrasing thing about me? Yeah. Alright, so you guys didn't hear the most embarrassing thing because I decided it was too embarrassing for the pod. I made a kind of team decision. Actually, not because Hank was concerned about how embarrassing it was, but because it's so embarrassing for me as somebody who loves Hank.

So it's one of those things where like sometimes you need somebody to come in and care about you enough to say, no. So instead, I'm just going to tell you the second most embarrassing thing about Hank. For a little bit of context. So you can understand how embarrassing the thing that you'll never hear about is. The second most embarrassing thing about Hank is that for about 18 months he faked a British accent. That's not entirely true.

It is entirely true. It was like a Canadian British accent. It was like if a British person moved to Minnesota when they turned seven. He only spoke in that accent and we would be like, Hank, we notice, it doesn It like it doesn't you don't sound like yourself and he'd be like but whatever do you mean. So that is the second most embarrassing thing about my brother. This next question comes from Thomas and you'll never guess why I wanted to ask

it as I read it. Dear John and Hank, I pre-ordered John's new book with the goal of giving it to my girlfriend for Christmas. She doesn't usually read that much but she's a huge fan to ask it as I read it. Dear John and Hank, I pre-ordered John's new book with the goal of giving it to my girlfriend for Christmas. She doesn't usually read that much, but she's a huge fan of your book, so I decided to grab a signed edition as soon as I could. I normally have a hard time picking out gifts for her, which is why I decided to buy her a gift so early this year. Fast forward to this morning when the book arrives in my mailbox, I decided to message one of her friends to try and covertly dissuade her from buying herself a copy, and her friend told

me that my girlfriend, just this morning, went out to the local bookstore and got a copy of Tordles All the Way Down, but she didn't buy it for herself. She got it to give me at Christmas. So now I know that we're both got to, got each other the same thing for Christmas. My question is, should I get her something different, or is it okay to exchange copies of the exact same book? It is not just okay. It is adorable!

Thomas, how do you fail to notice how incredibly cute this is? copies of the exact same book. It is not just okay. It is adorable. Thomas, how have you failed to notice how incredibly cute this is? It'll be like, and you're like, wow, this feels familiar, continue. PS, is it okay to read a book that you're planning on giving us a gift? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's the better question. Because absolutely, yes, exchange the gift and pretend like you didn't know and it'll be cute.

Yeah, I ideally pretend that you didn't know. Like sometimes when you're some, I think some relationship dynamics dictate that you have to eventually reveal that you knew. But some relationship dynamics don't. I don't know how it works for you, Thomas. But is it okay to read a book that you're planning on giving us a gift?

I think yes, as long as we read it very gently. We read it gently and maybe also say, I read this. Right, and I loved it. And I'd like to talk to you about it. I hope you liked it by the way, Thomas. That was presumptuous. I read this and I loved it. It was perfect.

And it says, got a start review from the library journal of children. I found myself agreeing with the guardian that it might be a new classic. Right, so yeah. But I think it's okay to read a book. What I don't think is okay to read a book that you give as a gift.

And I've had someone do this for me before and they thought it was like sweet and romantic. And I thought it was a little bit presumptuous was to read the book before giving it to me and to highlight their favorite passages. It's kind of sweet in a way, but in another way, it affects my read in a way that I don't necessarily like. I don't know, that's interesting. I think that that's a little bit like a mixtape to me,

so you're not just giving the book now. You're saying like, this is about me in some way. So like, this book, I'm giving you this book and it's something that I've kind of curated and created for you. Right. I guess maybe it's just that this breakup didn't go that well and now I'm biased by that experience. Yeah, I think that they're both good and bad things to that.

I don't think that that would be, that is sort of, to me, more acceptable if it's something, like if it's a classic or if it's like turtles all the way down according to the Guardian. New modern classic. Yeah. Yeah. This next question, yeah, is available at bookstores everywhere, by the way. Absolutely everywhere. You know, I went to the bookstore and the airport and Minneapolis and it wasn't in the front display and I was like, I went to the people and I was like, where's Turtle the way down? They're like, well, it's in bestsellers in YA

and I was like, what is this? Just two places? That's all you got. It should be out. Like I should have to trip over them to get out of this store. Come on. Damn Brown's all up in this business.

Where's my brother? And then the person who I talked to was like, great show last night by the way. To see, COVID assigned the guest book. And she was a fan. Very nice person. Very nice person. Probably didn't need to get like hard charged

about turtles all the way down placement, which I suspect probably also wasn't her call. Not really her call. This next question, it comes from Paige who asks, Dear Hank and John, I have a deep burning question that has plagued me. Why have we not evolved to withstand a greater amount of heat in our bodies, specifically our mouths.

The planet's climate is changing and has been for millions of years, so shouldn't I be able to drink a pumpkin spice latte at 140 degrees Fahrenheit without burning my taste buds off? Ow! Page! Sounds like pages have a moment right here. You made a Gmail us during it. Yeah, well, I mean, here's my suspicion, and correct me if I'm wrong, Hank.

Evolution pretty slow, and also it tends to focus on major survival concerns. Right, pumpkin spice lattes, pretty new. Also not a major survival concern. No, maybe in the future. It's just gonna be, the way the PSL graph has been going, it does seem like in a number of maybe two or three years that will be all of food in the fall. I didn't know what the PSL graph was but then I figured it out from context.

It's the pumpkin spice latte graph. La Te Graf. La Te Graf. Mother of God. It's the pumpkin spice latte graph. I mean that's the new, she sells seashells by the seashore. Goodness gracious. I mean, that's the new, she sells seashells by the sea shore, goodness gracious. Yeah, but. You know, we actually are better at eating hot food. Like our mouths are better at handling heat than like our hands are. Really?

Then other skin places. Oh, which is probably an evolutionary thing. Yeah. Because if it's good enough for the hands, it's definitely good enough for the mouth. Yeah, that's part of it. And also like when we started cooking food, you put a lot of hot stuff in your mouth,

and you don't want that to be a source of infection. So mouth cells grow back very fast. So when you burn your mouth, he'll be much faster than if you burn your skin. So little something there. I am not concerned about, okay, I have a related question about this. It's about two atara. Okay.

It's only tangentially related. Have you ever given that to a tara, pumpkin spice latte because that sounds interesting? Not yet, I mean, but so many experiments are still waiting to be done on the world's two atara. Here's my question. Two atara, one of the oldest terrestrial vertebrates still around, their body forms haven't changed much

in 150 million years, but they have this incredibly fast rate of molecular evolution, like the... What's it called? The mutate a lot. They're cells mutate a lot, which makes some people think that maybe cells use to mutate a lot more than they do now, but makes other people not think that. Here's my question. Since they have this really high metabolic evolution rate, or since they have this high,

since they have this really high molecular evolution rate, compared to most newer animals, why haven't their bodies changed? I mean, so you can kind of think of this a little bit like if you get to the bottom of a well. You might not be the deepest you can get in the well, but to get to another place, to get deeper, you have to get all the way back out of the well and go down a different hole. So to a tar might have sort of gotten to as good as they can get without sort of like starting

over a lot. Right, okay. So like, it definitely like they are pretty close to as good as they can get for, you know, the strategies that they're using. Right, but they're not great, I have to say, at most things. Yeah, like, two at a time are really good

at living for a long time and it hanging around on earth for 150 million years and literally the only two things a are really good at living for a long time and it hanging around on earth for 150 million years and literally the only two things they're really good at. The other thing is like evolution is spurred by a lot of different things and like differentiation is spurred by a lot of different things and that can be like you need evolutionary pressure.

So if there isn't a lot of evolutionary pressure forcing them to adapt, then they probably might not adapt very much. They might just keep all the things that are working for them working, and that's the main goal of being a tuotara. Also, you don't, because tuotara are just in one place, just on the mainland of New Zealand and surrounding islands, then there wasn't a lot of separation of the species to let them sort of explore different paths.

Thanks, Hank, that's helpful. And also helpful to readers of Turtles All the Way Down, my new book. If you wanna learn more about Two Otara, Turtles All the Way Down, available in two different places at the Minneapolis Bookstore at the airports. Which reminds me that this podcast is brought to you by John Green's new book Turtles All the Way Down.

Oh my God. This is the last week Hank, I will make this vlog Turtles All the Way Down relentlessly on the pod. Yeah, we got, and it was, we started doing podcon right after that. So we really need to sell the podcon tickets. It's gonna be a freaking great time. The agenda's on the website now.

Sorry, that's not a sponsor. That's for next week. podcon.com. A great place for my new book. It's very confusing. This podcast is also brought to you by my fake Minnesota and British accent. Why?

I'm so glad the internet didn't exist and there are no videos of that. That's a great point, Hank. It could be so much worse because I'm sure as bad as I remember it being, I'm sure it was worse in real life. Today's podcast is also brought to you by our San Francisco show.

Oh my god. And our Pleasant and Show. Two. Two. Actually, things that actually happened that we would love to see you people from California at. And finally, this podcast is brought to you by

Slabberpen Evidence Bags. They're de-zip luck bags, but they're available. And you can put your slabberpen Evidence Bags. They're just Ziploc Bags, but they're available, and you can put your Slabber Pins in them, and nail them to the wall, and have a Hall of Fame Slabber Pins. Or just, or just do that, and people, they'll come into your bathroom, and be like, why are there a bunch of pens

in Ziploc Bags in your bathroom? And you'll be like, it's art. This next question comes from Kyle, who writes, Dear Green Brothers, I always love it when you shill for yourselves on the pod. like it's art. This next question comes from Kyle who writes, dear green brothers, I always love it when you shield for yourselves on the pod. This is a true question, Hank. You highlighted it.

It helps me to keep up with all the amazing new things you're both doing. What product or service are you making or providing that you haven't shielded for on the pod? I'd love to hear about it. I'd love to hear about it only for a while, Kyle. That's a great sign off. Yeah, also Kyle knows how to get this question on the pot.

I know, yeah. Hey, by the way, could you, like anyone wants to write any question and be like, this is your chance to talk about a thing you need to tell people about. There is something. What? Pizza-Miss. Oh yeah!

It's Pizza-Miss, the most magical time of the year. Oh my god. Every year for two weeks Hank and I make a video every weekday back and forth to each other like we did back in 2007 And it's a celebration of love and brotherhood and also e-commerce You can go to dftba.com and there's a bunch of Pizzamas merch that's only available during Pizzamas And after this will never be available again every year. There's different Pizzamas stuff This year we've got lots of amazing P pizza mess items available at dftba.com. So there you go Kyle, just when you thought we couldn't self-shield anymore, it turned

out. I've found yet another level. This next question comes from Anjali, who asks, Do you hang a John? I'm in a public health class in McCollard right now, and we recently learned about the influenza vaccines, and apparently they're made inside of chicken eggs. I was shocked, but willing to go along until my professor asked us what would happen

during an apocalypse? What if a flu pandemic broke out during the apocalypse? Would we try to make a vaccine? Is there a supply of emergency chickens for this situation? Concerned about our world supply of emergency chickens, among other things, and jolly. I don't think that's our biggest concern. Like the apocalypse, like the flu pandemic

after the apocalypse, I'm like, no, no, this is a good genuine concern. Because once all the, I think about this a lot, but like once all the like primary health facilities sort of break apart, vaccines are part of that, but there's lots of other things as well, like sanitation, especially. Yeah, there will be like huge global pandemics that are a big problem. In fact, we already see this

to an extent in places where there's a big breakdown of the social and political order, like in Yemen right now, there's probably, in the end, the cholera outbreak in Yemen will probably be the largest cholera outbreak in many decades. And it's not because we don't have a vaccine for cholera, we do. It's not because cholera isn't preventable, it is. It's because we aren't using... Because we can't get in there to do all the things we need to do. And also that, like, we, as a global community, have chosen not to devote the resources that would be necessary

to do the things that we would have to do. So I am actually worried about that. I think that's what you're saying. Yeah, I mean, my concern isn't the supply of chickens. I think that we'll probably keep chickens around. Yeah. Yeah, it turns out that they're not hard to maintain though the way that we're currently doing it, maybe.

I am concerned that like you don't just need a chicken and an egg to make a vaccine, you need a laboratory and you need production facilities. And those are the things that I'm more worried about. Yeah, you need electricity, you need running water. Yeah, you need a lot of things that we might struggle to have. Here's the thing though, Anjali, if things start to break down like that, we're

going so far down, like things are going to get so bad that I think Hank's probably right that on the list of like worries, that's the thing about Doomsday prepping, Anjali. You can only do so much of it because the truth is it's going to be awful. And even if you live, it's gonna suck. Thanks for listening. I'm so glad I pulled that question out, John. I don't know what I'm gonna say. I mean, like, eat. I don't have anything else to say. It's gonna be, yeah.

I would be very, very bad. This is like, I, just, stability is so important and we take it for granted so much. Stability is so underrated, political and social stability. Like, we need change, we need to change progressively, and actively, and continue the change, and making the world a more fair and equitable place. But we also need not have a civil war.

Like, in both, like, we do desperately need political change, and I completely agree with you. Like the world is deeply unfair, and we must make it less unfair. We must make the world more just, and that is, I think, the calling of humans. Yeah. But we also cannot afford to have a complete breakdown

of the political stability of Earth, because if that happens, it would be devastating to human populations and most devastating to the most vulnerable human populations. So be nice to each other. And also fight, fight, fight, fight to make your government take climate change seriously. I got another question for you, Hank.

I'm glad that we got that out of the way. We've been all over the place today. I mean, this has been an adventure. Where even are we? Is it AM or PM? It's 0 bright 30. This question comes from Garnett. Dear John and Hank, my boyfriend and I are planning to become engaged this winter. We've already agreed to marry each other, but we want family there for the actual proposal.

It's a secret. Are we engaged? We've been engaged. We've already agreed to marry each other, but we want family there for the actual proposal. It's a secret. Are we engaged? No. Either this engagement is like a secret snake. We've already have it, but nobody knows.

Or it's like a secret fiddle recital. We know it will happen, but it hasn't happened yet. Those are two deep-cut deer-hack and John jokes. Thank you, garnet, for listening so closely to the pod. Please help us solve this riddle of the Schrodinger's engagement, butz butz butz, Garnet. Oh, that's another callback to a great callback.

To not a dear Hank and John joke. Yeah, all right. Here's the thing, Hank. Is this more of a situation where you have made a commitment to get so good at the violin that you are going to have a violin recital for your family and surprise them. Or is this more like a thing where you already own something but you have an announce to the world that you own it? Yeah, is it a secret snigger? Is it a secret violin recital?

Right. I think it's a secret violin recital. I agree. Because, and this is a general thing with with proposals that like you It almost seems like it's a proposal. I'm making this proposal and so on some level I want it to be a surprise, but also I don't want it to be a surprise because I don't want you to be like All right, I have you know three seconds to decide whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life with you I Want to have that conversation a number of times

and a number of ways and discuss a number of different things before it's like here's the diamond. Right. Or not a diamond. Or not a sapphire from Montana. Is that what you got? No, I got my great grandmother's ring. Oh, you didn't get that one.

It's always saving money. Mom offered. She said she came. This dead woman came to my mother in a dream and told her to give me the ring. So that's, I can't say no to that. And Hank's response was, thanks for saving me 500 bucks,

which is what he would have spent on a ring. Anyway, moving on. Yeah, I don't think you're engaged because I think part of being engaged maybe is It being known to your family. Mm-hmm. Like to me that's part of the process By the way, I don't think you have to get engaged. I think you can just get married if you want to also the great thing about that Is you never have to say the word fiance ever got to hit that word so much. It's I don't like I'm fine I just hate I hated using it. I hated seeing, this is my fiancee, Catherine.

I'm like, I have to have this intermediate word that I'm gonna use for six months. And if I say girlfriend, people are gonna get mad at me. Yeah, or just, yeah, it's an awkward, and we used to say partner, but even that is awkward somehow. Yeah, because they're like, so you're in business together. What do you sell? No, but then it's more like, well, are you married or not married and what?

Yeah. It gets into a whole conversation. I have a new answer to this question, Hank. I've thought about it more, and my new answer is that you are engaged literally when you both agree that you are engaged and not until then. Okay. That is my new definition of engagement. I'm in.

This next question comes from Jennifer who asks, dear Hank and John, if telescopes work using mirrors, does that mean it's possible that outer space is full of vampires, Jennifer? Great question, Jennifer. Couple things. Mm-hmm.

I don't know how you feel about this Hank, but I don't think vampires are real. I don't think that you could just say something like that as if it's known, because outer space could be full of vampires. It could be, it could be, it could be. I mean, to be clear, we don't just detect space with mirrors, there are other ways we do it,

but the question is, would vampires be detected but through any of those means? Like, are they sort of the ambient temperature of space? Do they like block background radiation? What I mean, I don't really, like, the fact that you can't see them in a mirror, like it makes me think that there's something very weird about vampires.

On the scale of like, weird, the way that dark matter is weird. Like, we don't understand how that works. Like, how could something be visible in one, something can't be visible standing there, but not when the light happens to be reflected off a mirror. It doesn't make any sense. So I'm thinking vampires are dark matter. It's a theory. I was going to go in a different direction with this question. The thing this question may be think of is how incredibly hard it is to prove a negative, like if somebody says you're a communist and then you say, well, no, I'm

actually not, I'm not a communist. And they're like, well, prove it. That becomes very difficult, right? It becomes very difficult to prove like that's one of the great like political strategies of the 2017 Twitter driven political discourse is the, you make a wild accusation. And then everyone's like, well, no, that doesn't make any sense. But then you can keep finding data that makes it so that the accusation isn't completely refuted so that it is not quite yet irrefutable.

And that is a little bit like vampires in space. So when we see ourselves, I would say, when we see ourselves in situations, either where we are making accusations or looking into accusations, consider the possibility that it might be a vampires in space question, that like the thing that you're trying to disprove or prove, is it a vampires in space moment? Is my question? That's what I would ask you to hold on to. Oh, I'm very discouraged about the political discourse in the United States right now. I know that I've said that a few times in the last year, but I am more discouraged than I have been at any point.

I think ever in my whole life, it's very worrisome to me. Uh-huh. Vampires in space. I feel like we occasionally I'll have this moment where I'm like, oh my lord, we are monkeys with guns. Like we have been given a tool that we do not understand and we do, we have not figured it out yet and it is dangerous.

Yeah, the social internet is totally a monkeys with guns situation. We're like, we don't even understand the consequences of it. So like, we keep pulling the trigger and things keep dying and we keep being like, why did that happen? Like, we don't understand what the trigger does yet, you know? It's not really monkeys with guns, it's more like ant eaters with guns or something. Like, a hard box with guns. That's what it is because like, it's like you're, you don't like, at least monkeys could make the,

like, they could make the connection between the tree and the tree and be like, oh, I understand that this is a gun. Right. And point of this and stuff and they die. Right. And we're just like, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Oh man, stuff got real weird in here.

Why did everything go so weird? Everything's worse now, I don't understand. But it's like a gun where the sound of firing the gun gives you a little, a little rush, a dopamine, a little hit of dopamine in the reward center of your brain. And because we're art varks with guns, we're like, man, I love that sound.

And so you just keep firing the gun and you're like, God, this sound is great. There are fewer art varks in the world right now, but I love this sound. I wanna keep making it. And then you're're like man, why are all my friends dying? I love this sound. Give me more of the sound now that I'm lonely because all my friends are dead I need more of the sound. I need it more than ever. Give me the sound I hate this I hate this metaphor so much. Oh my god

Thank you have stumbled upon a metaphor for the social internet that might just have changed my whole life. It might be that I have to get off the internet because now I realize that I'm just an art vark with a gun. I don't even know how you're pulling the trigger. They don't have fingers. They don't, they don't know how they're pulling the trigger either. We have no idea what we're doing.

And with that noted, let's move on to the news from Mars and AMC Wimbledon. Okay, John, the news from Mars is great news. Oh, good. On my cheek, sir. Oh. Due to the smiling into the face of Doom. But the Curiosity Rover is drill. It drills into some rocks and you can get like rock powder and you can find out not just

what's on the surface of the rock, but also what's inside of the rock. This is a useful tool that broke. It's hard to drill on other planets. And I think it's something to do with a stabilizer, so the drill itself is okay, but the thing that stabilizes it so that it can go in and not get stuck broke.

And so they have been working for a long time on how to maybe get the drill to work despite the fact that the drill doesn't work. And they are doing it. They've figured out a way they think, and they're testing it right now to drill on Mars again. It's been, I think, almost a year, more than a year, that they haven't been able to drill. And they're or more than a year that they haven't able to drill. And they're basically using some parts of the rover that were not meant to be used to do this, to get the drill bit to go in,

but have it so that they're measuring the pressure so that it's not confused about, about like sort of its connection to the side of the rock as it enters the rock and then anything pushing to the side of that could make it so that the drill would get stuck and then they just have to break the drill bit and they would definitely not be able to drill anything on Mars anymore. And that way, that new drilling technique is going to allow them to start drilling on Mars again. See what's on the inside of some new rocks? Now that they're on a different part of the side of Mount Sharp, they are sort of moved up the lake bed some more,

and they can find out more about this wonderful lake bed. And they've been doing this basically using a, like a version of curiosity that's here on Earth. So it's basically just a mock-up of the exact thing and they can do a bunch of tests. And I love seeing that scientists, pictures of scientists with the model curiosity on Earth, because you're like, that thing's freaking huge.

You forget how huge it is. It's a minivan. And then, and it also was like, how do that scientists get to Mars? Right. Because you're used to seeing it on Mars like, how do that scientists get to Mars? Right. Because you're used to seeing it on Mars. But I love that like they, they have to go in and look at the problems and think, okay, well, so how would I solve that problem if I couldn't touch it?

Yeah. I don't know. How would I do with this problem if it were millions of miles away and had to fix itself? Yeah. Yeah. They did it. Yeah. Engineers. Engineers are amazing. Speaking of amazing

That's actually not a very good transition into the AFC Wimbledon It's amazing as you know, there's different kinds of amazing things are amazingly worrisome AFC Wimbledon after winning two league games Lost one to the lowest team in the table, which was very it's very worrisome. Yeah, And at this point, AFC Wimbledon are not currently in the relegation zone. They have 15 points after 15 games, but they are only one place away. They are in 20th and places 21 through 24 in league one. I'll go down to league two. Of more concern, AFC Wimbledon's leading striker, Quessie Apia, Apia, I don't know how to say his name, I apologize.

Has had a hamstring injury for a while and it looks like he has had a setback and is going to miss an additional couple of weeks. Neil Ardley, the manager of AFC Wimbledon said, if we weren't creating chances and our stats were low, then we would have real cause for concern. Let me submit that we do have real cause for concern. Let me submit that we do have real cause for concern as our stats are, I would argue, low-ish, I mean, 15 games, nine goals. Not great.

Not great. Fewest goals in the league. Not, I would say our stats are low-ish. But, you know. So how long is this hamstring injury even happening? Is this part of the reason why there aren't a lot of goals or is like you're like lead striker, but he's never scored a goal before.

He had a few games and he didn't, didn't score much, but he only had a few games before he got injured. The truth is that, you know, we are now one third of the way into the season. It is going to be a very, it's gonna be one of those years where it's going to be difficult. The second season in a new league is usually harder than the first season and it's going to be hard to stay in league one. I believe that AFC Wimbledon can do it.

It's just instead of rooting for them to make the playoffs, we're gonna be rooting for them to narrowly avoid the drop. And that's gonna be the kind of year it is. All right. I'm sorry, John. That's okay. We're gonna be, we're just gonna get points where we can find them, Hank. Just, it's gonna be okay. Don't panic.

Speaking of not panicking, do you wanna look look at this picture of art vark fingers? Mmm, yeah. Oh, art varks could totally shoot a gun. Yeah, I mean, those are, we'll put those on the Patreon.com slash DeerHank and John, if you want to get a good look at art vark fingers, I'm crushing it on the pronunciation today. All right, yeah, also if you go to Patreon, you can get our semi-weekly short Patreon-only podcast this week in Ryan's.

This week in Ryan, which I don't know if we're gonna be able to do today, hopefully. Yeah, we're gonna do it real quick. All right. I'm ready. I got a Ryan already for us. Okay, Hank, what do we learn today? We learned that don't chew on your friends' things.

We learned that Hank and John have many things currently available from dftba.com and also our tour tour. Sure and say things, Cisco, to my new book turtles all the way down. We learned all of those things. We also learned that you should keep a lock of your child's hair for the first haircut, but not every haircut. And of course we were in the second most embarrassing thing about Hank. For about a year he had a fake British accent.

But you did not learn the most embarrassing thing about Hank, which probably is the right call considering the face that Nick made. I think when we talked about it. I think Nick's gonna keep that one in the vault. For if he ever needs. Just a raise. Just needs a favor. Alright Hank, thank you for potting with me and thanks to everybody for listening.

This podcast is produced by Rosiana Halso Rojas and Sheridan Gibson, our social media and community manager, as Victoria Bonjorno, it's edited by Nicholas Jenkins, who is watching us! Hey Nick, he was there the whole time! Yeah, some giggling at things. Our music is by the great Gunnarola. Thank you again for listening and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪