Dear Hank & John - 121: Every Plum Has Its Thorn

Episode Date: December 25, 2017

What is the point of love if it always ends? How do I scream? How do I stop a surprise avian ring delivery? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear John and Hank. Or as I like to think of it, the actual name of the podcast, Dear Hank and John. Sorry, Hank, I've been gone for a few weeks and I wanted to just take control of the reins today. It's a comedy podcast about death where two brothers, offer you dubious advice, answer your questions, bring you all the week's news from both Mars and da da da da da da da da AFC Wimbledon Lead one's richest side more to come we're in the podcast News John how are you doing today? Well, we're in real life together Hank. We're in Los Angeles, California

I'm in a great mood because the movie rights to my book turtles all the way down. It's happening. Someone purchased them. Not just someone the same people from Fox 2000 who made the fault in our stores and picked returns movies Elizabeth Gabor and Aaron Siminoff. How do you find out about that? What happens when you find out that someone got the movie rights to your book? Says a person who has no Thing that this will one day maybe happen to him. No thing. Have you been drinking a little bit? Okay so you get a First you get a phone call

That says that somebody's interested in the movie rights and then in this case like eight weeks later after lots of conversations and talking about how to visualize deeply internal abstract thought processes, you decide to do it. I'm really excited. I'm so... It's just, I did not think that this would ever be a movie. I didn't think that anybody could see it as a movie, but I don't know. I was just so moved by the way they talked about it and the way the way that they're thinking about it. And I can't wait. I am really thrilled.

Now, not everything that gets optioned becomes a movie. It's not guaranteed to become a movie, but it is really exciting. And these, it's the same people who made the Fault in our Stars and Paper Towns movies. I trust them so much. The relationship that we've, we've had over the years has been so cool. So it's really exciting. How are you doing? I'm good. It's late.

Um, Jonathan is 927. Uh, it's, it's late for me. I'm sleepy. I got up at 440 this morning. Um, so there, that. So that's how I'm feeling. But I'm glad that we could be in the same place to make a podcast together. And I'm glad that we could learn together a little bit about what people are curious about in the world. And also maybe about cups. Well, you haven't been drinking. Hank, yeah, would you like a question from our listeners? You don't want to read my poem? What's your poem? My poem that I posted about the fruit flies.

You can just go ahead and read it. People can people can hear all your typing and it makes them think that you're not paying attention to the pod. I'm looking up my fruit fly poem. A fruit fly flew through my window screen there between the window and the screen she pupated. Now too large to fit back through the screen she wanders in the sunlight searching alone. It's good Hank. I would not pursue a career as a poet as such. I think that was very good. There's also a huge problem, which is the adult fruitwise camp pupate, which is just, it's not,

that's not how it works. Well, I'm like, larva pupate and they become adults. And that's the whole thing. And I feel weird that that, scientifically inaccurate and also a bad poem got 2,000 likes on Twitter. 2000 likes and people really will hit that heart button for anything these days.

Well I'll tell you what that is actually one of my more successful tweets recently. You know I've noticed that there's this whole thing on Twitter where people are taking that great William Carlos Williams poem about the plums and turning it into lyrics from the popular music song All Star. Are you familiar with this meme? No. Do you know the poem in question? No, but I do know All Star. Okay, great. So there's a William Carls William poem. I don't know exactly how it goes, but I'm going to give you my version of it. This is my attempt to recite a William Carls William poem poem, I've had a couple drinks but fewer than Hank. I have taken the plums that were in the ice box and which you were probably saving for

breakfast. Forgive me. They were delicious, so sweet and so cold. And here's the version that's been making the rounds on the social media, Hank. Okay. Hey now, here on Icebox, get your plums on. on the social media, Hank. Okay. Hey, now, you're in icebox, get your palms on. So sweet.

That's not the best version. Hank, that's not the best version at all. I was on a website that was telling me these plum jokes and now there's a video playing this construction unfolds into a home in just hours and costs only 33,000 dollars. And I'm like this is not what was happening. I was not on a whole construction website. I was looking at plumbing. Whoa, suddenly hang away from like pleasant drunk to really aggressive belligerent drunk. I just don't like it when video auto play. You are coming way too hard about videos auto playing.

By the way, you know where I like videos auto playing at youtube.com slash vlog brothers. Yeah, because it's because it's what I'm there for. How do you how do you like a moment on Twitter? Now I'm falling asleep and she's eating my plums and he's open the ice box and she's taking a plum. Now I'm looking for plums and my stomach feels sick. Now it's all in my head. So sweet and so cold now. I don't really know how that song goes. I'm gonna say that Nick for Hank's sake. Do eat that. A little bit of cold plums in my life.

There you go. A little bit of ice box by my side. A little bit of breakfast. What you need. A little bit of forgiveness is what I seek. A little bit of delicious. Those those plums. Little mostly plums all I love.

All right, here we go, here we go. Okay, what do you got? That one's got 15,000 likes. Well, the plums start coming and they won't stop coming. Got to hit the icebox for some more cold plum and didn't make sense to eat plum. Didn't make sense to eat lukewarm plum.

You got the icebox, so go chill them, son. I don't think this person's ever actually heard all star, but that was close. That was close. There's an algorithm-road a version of all star. I have heard. I have heard. I saw happening on Twitter

They were cold plums. Yeah, and people were talking about it That's as far as I got into the meme until now and I feel like I'm explaining something that everybody already knows about But the great thing is that because we're recording this in the relatively distant past Everyone will have forgotten about this meme by the time the video Yeah, they'll be video. Oh I remember the good old days. Oh I mean back when all those terrible things that have happened said then hadn't happened and we joked about. Blum. Ah at least it wasn't nuclear winter. This first question comes from Nick who writes, dear John Hank I've been sick lately.

My doctor told me to try gargling with saltwater to help my sore throat while I was stirring up a mug of the stuff using an artist's I'm at mug. I got from dftba.com. My number one source for brand and drinkware. Man, this guy knows how to get his question asked the ones you're hanging on. I started to notice that as more and more of the salt began to dissolve, the sound of my spoon tapping against the inside of the mug became gradually higher and higher in pitch until all the salt was dissolved and the pitch became consistent. I was able to replicate this with another mug of salt water later on. I had a pleasure in the difference, but from what I could tell the pitch raised by nearly an octave. Whoa, still sick, comma, Nick. Nice. I am impressed that you

can tell the pitch change. You were like, mmm. Oh, that I did it in the question asking. No, the question asked. I can go. It's because I'm a great singer. Oh, right. A little bit of plum life in my life. A little bit of plum life in John's life. What is it?

What's the answer? So I have noticed this a number of times when I'm stirring a gatorade to a cop. I mean, because you've got to stir that gatorade. You're going to buy a bottle of gatorade into a cup. Sure, because you got to stir that gatorade. You're going to buy a bottle of gatorade. I buy liquid gatorade, but I know that you come from a humbler background. It's a hard for you. By a humbler background.

Yeah, and the same home as you. Just more recently. I don't just buy powdered gatorade for frugality, I also get to make it the exact level of sweetness that I want, which is not the sweetness. I mean, obviously, it's never going to be the exact preference of a person if it's standardized for everybody. So I like to be able to make my Gatorade to the sweetness that I want, and there's only one way to do that. Two ways, you could buy liquid Gatorade,

and then water it down also, you could do that. But I like to do it my way. I like what I actually like to do to the sweeter that it comes, so what I do is I just open the bottle up, and I wait for eight or nine days, just for some evaporation. Okay.

Everybody has a different way but that's my way. That's good. And at all times I like aging your gatorade. I always have 10 open bottles of gatorade at different levels of sweetness. Why does this happen? Was the question not how do you like your gatorade? Well the problem, John, is that I don't really know. Great. Let's move on to the next question. But I wanted to talk about Gatorade, but it's weird to me because the pitch lowers when I'm using Gatorade and apparently goes up when you use salt.

So probably I have something to do with viscosity, but that's all I got for you. Somebody knows the answer to this question. In fact, I've read an article about this and I forgot it. I forgot it because that's what you do with information. This next question comes from Andrew who writes Dear John and Hank I only discovered the podcast last week and I've been listening to eight episodes a day while at work.

And are you work too much? Also you listen to podcasts too much while you're working. Getting divorced after 25 years of marriage. This took a turn. While I know they'll be both happier after it, the whole thing is making me cynical about love. Does all love fade over time? What's the point in trying if over half of marriage is fail? How do I stop this from happening in my future romance as I appreciate your dubious advice, definitely not a hurricane, Andrew.

First off, Andrew, not over half of marriage is fail. All marriages end, either in death or divorce. An all meant good point Hank. Really good point. So all marriages fail you know because nothing lasts forever not even cold November rain as Guns and Roses once memorably put it. Good. Very all very good. Every rose has its thorn just like every cowboy has a sad sad song Just like every Day in a box yeah

Every poem every cold poem Every boy friend eats that plum in the box wait start over from scratch So it seems like you're just coming up with it now Every plums cold in a box. Yeah, that's good and every boyfriend steals your plums from that box. That's good What you got to you got to hit the last note you got to be like every plume in that box I don't know the song goes. I don't either. By the way, I don't think that song is November Rain. I think it is a different song from the same era. Yeah, you're right. That's definitely the case.

That's every rose has a song. Every rose has a song. By the way, Andrew, I'm going to answer your questions that every rose has a song, man. I mean, that's, that, here's the thing. That's true. No, and every in cold November rain, even that ends. Yeah, it's also true that every rose has its thorn. Love is a rose, so you better not pick it. It only grows when it's on the vine.

It's very true. A handful of thorns, and you know you missed it. You lose your love when you steal the frickin' ice box from plums. I don't think you steal the icebox from the plums as such. Is that the second time we've made an as such joke in this? I don't know if it is Nick cut off the as such as he didn't need to you didn't he didn't need to go there. Here's the thing Andrew I'm sorry that your parents getting divorced but it should not make you cynical about love. Because love brought you into this world. Love is both how you became a person and also why you became a person to quote my own book, turtles all the way down, terrible bookshores everywhere. And don't be, it's okay to go through a morning process and a grieving process. And I think that's natural and good, but that does not mean that life is

Hopeless. It just means that life does involve loss. Yes, and that things that are wonderful don't baste forever Like roses maybe. I don't know. Also like plums in the icebox. I mean no matter how cold that icebox is, they're not gonna last forever. Eventually they're not gonna be a little, they're what are pl plums in their drive? They're gonna be prunes. That's why I had to eat the plums. I just, you were saving them for breakfast, but I breakfast win. Tomorrow? Why eat them tomorrow when you can eat them today? All right, Hank, this next question. Oh my god. I'm asked, today's, it's John's question day. I missed three weeks. I've been, this is, it's good. Sure, go. This next question comes from a guy who writes,

Deer John and Hank Last year, I participated in a stage production theater workshop thing. On the day we were supposed to present our final product of play, our lovely stage director decided to do a few exercises to call our nerves before the show. It only ended up making me more anxious, like everything that's ever been designed to call me anyone's nerves. Anyway, that wasn't the question.

She instructed us to scream out loud as loud as we could, one after the other, only one problem. I don't know how to scream. So while waiting on my turn, I was trying to understand the mechanism that is screaming, while simultaneously asking the people next to me how they acquired the art of screaming which only made me more confused because the kind of advice I received went along the lines of, I don't know, just let it flow. But what does that mean? How do I let it flow?

What do I need to let flow? So many questions. I didn't end up finding out how to scream and I proceeded to lay out a weird gutteral noise that resembled a loud snore. I am sacred to almost any advice on how to scream. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa She's been saying the plums were so long. They've reached the perfect moment between plum and prune. And the moment at which you love to have them for breakfast. They say that every plum has its thorn, but not these plums.

In fact, no plums. I don't think they say that. Do that? Every plum has its thorn. Never heard that one. Anyway, Annais, I want you to picture that situation and then you open that ice box and what is in there? Nothing. Nothing. How do you feel right now? Ah! I want you to picture that situation and then you open that ice box and what is in there nothing

Nothing how do you feel right now? That wasn't that wasn't a scream Where no tell row it's true if we scream in I'm 42 Yeah, I don't want to get security. This is really interesting to me because I think that Definitely not a scream. The other day... I'm gonna go down one octave. Oh! The other day I had a baby carrier on.

And it has this mechanism. You have to push multiple buttons at the same time to unlock it so that your baby doesn't accidentally fall out or something. And I only hit one of the right buttons and I pulled and then the gap was created and then my finger went in the gap and then I couldn't get it out. My hand slipped and it slid onto my finger. And it pinched me so hard that it broke the skin and I made this noise. In the back of the car with the baby and Catherine thinks the baby is making that noise because it's a

tarot like a very not human man noise. Yeah. And she's like freaking out like what's wrong? Well, that's a very weird one in the baby make. And it just but then I pulled my hand out and I mean it oh wow. I think we could loop that noise that you just made and turn it into a really bad print song. Like it would be the worst print song ever.

There are no bad print songs. That's a good point, Hank. Well, I could loop the sound that you just made and turn it into like a cover, a really bad cover of a really good print song. This next question comes from Warren. Did we answer that one? Oh yeah, how do you scream?

I just think this is interesting. I think that it's like knowing that you don't know how to make all the noises. Because it's like, it took me a while to realize that. That there were noises I hadn't learned. And I just had to learn them. Like of course when I was like a child and learning to speak,

but you can speak in different ways and gaining full use of your voice or at least more use than you once had, is like a process. And it's not something that everybody just does. And I know a lot of people who have a hard time making that noises. I still can't learn to just work.

I think it's legitimately like you have to go some place where you know when it's listening. Right. And you're like, I'm going to try to make noises like other people do. Or just don't learn how to scream. Yeah. And just wait for the moment when you really need it.

And then I bet you'll find it. Like when it's an emergency and it's not like the stage manager being like, I don't know how to get rid of your anxiety. Let's have everybody scream. Find themselves like everybody's screaming together, at least then I can fake it, but it's like you scream. Right. And then, and no, I don't want to get in front of a bunch of people. Too much pressure. Yeah, that's terrifying. Terrifying. But you know what an exercise is.

You know what sound I can't make? What? Almost all of the sounds associated with proper Spanish pronunciation at least according to my children Because my kids learn mostly in Spanish. They speak mostly Spanish at school And when I try to speak to them in Spanish or say anything in Spanish, they always say okay I was like they understand like I'm Spanish, but they literally don't know what I'm saying. They're good like that is like daddy No, that's wrong like Alice in her ice water. Yeah, Alice will just be like no no daddy in Spanish She's she'll always say in esponio you say no And I'll be like no, no daddy

And esponio we say no That's very cute. All right this next next question comes from Warren, who writes, Dear John and Hank, I just don't have no power over the podcast. Well, you know what Hank, I was going for a long time. Now, once our holiday spectacular is over, you can go back to answering half of the questions and also doing the intro. I just started until Elon Musk doesn't get to Mars in 20, 27.

I just started seeing this person and't get to Mars in 20, 27. I just started seeing this person and he is literally perfect for me. Literally. Perfect is, that's a lot of different qualifies. Warren, if you just started seeing each other, let's not, okay, he's smart, he's funny, he's cute. We like him, he's great. I like him too.

Let's not put too much pressure on the situation. There's a huge catch. He's moving in four months to join the Navy Seals. That doesn't sound perfect. That sounds like he's moving in four months to join the Navy Seals. I'm moving in seven months to start law school. Well, those three months when he's in the Navy Seals and you're not in law school, you guys will have a great time together. He's going to be tired all the time, no. Before we met, we had both intentionally stayed single to focus on our career. So, however, we both know that we have something special, uh, trademark. Please forgive this because I know how ridiculous and cheesy I sound. We want to give things time to breathe and grow,

but I could already feel this ominous ticking clock. My focus is completely on law school, but I've always believed that we should love whenever and wherever and however we can. Any advice I'll ever do be this would be greatly appreciated. Not trying to live in a home art Christmas movie. Lauren. Lauren, just date long distance. Yeah, I mean, you're allowed to live in a home art Christmas movie. Yeah, sounds very home art Christmassy. I mean, you're gonna finish law school at right about the same time that he's going to be entering his third year in the Navy Seals and then you get married or not. Whatever. Stop putting so much pressure on the out the same time that he's going to be entering his third year in the Navy Seals, and then

you get married. Or not. Whatever. Stop putting so much pressure on the situation, Lauren, it's okay. I mean, it is hard. It's hard when you've got a thing like this is going to be good, but then there's this thing that isn't either of you. It's just the universe conspiring against this leftliness. Right. Like circumstances are organizing themselves. Right. And your favorite. And that is important to realize that. John, have I ever told you about the time with the milk when I was in middle school? No.

So I was... this is a very applicable story. Okay, okay. I was a middle school student and some young people stole my milk. My chocolate milk, my unopened 25 cent chocolate milk. I remember. And they were passing it around on the table, keep away from nerdy hank boy. And they then swapped it for a chocolate milk milk that had been drunk but they had closed the little carton so that it looked like it hadn't they gave it to me and and i was like i think and i got mad extra mad because i

thought that they were giving in and being nice but it turned out that the meanness was continuing and then i threw it back at them and then they threw it out uh... into the middle of the cafeteria where I proceeded to go over and stomp on it and realize that it was the original not-empty milk.

How is this story applicable? It's applicable because they didn't intend for me to stomp on the milk. That was like, that was farther than they wanted to take it. Who's who who are they like mean milk stealing jocks of this store of the story of the Navy Seals and the law school students? The the Navy Seals and law. Oh, you mean like the institutions are the bad guys? Or just the situation. Okay.

And it's just like that it was, it was set up like, it's not a, it's not perfectly, it's not a perfect analogy. I would actually go further than that. I would say that it's also not a good analogy. And it may have nothing to do with the situation. Here's, I mean, so I think we've solved it for you as the good news. Lauren, you need to

purchase 25 cents worth of chocolate milk. Stop on it and wait for the positive results. The school teachers and administrators then had to talk to me as if I was the one who had caused the ruckus because I had stomped on a 25 cent chocolate milk and made a mess. And then I had to explain the situation, but nobody was truly at fault. Yeah. I mean, obviously, no. Like, they didn't want the milk to get stomped. Yeah.

So no one was at fault. It was just a situation, though it did begin with bullying. So they shouldn't have done that. Yeah. This is not working. This next question comes from Mary Kate who writes Dear John and Hank. That might be the worst answer I've ever heard to a question you asked. I didn't ask it. A question I asked. Just love, love and follow your heart but don't drop out of

law school. Next one comes from Mary Kate who writes dear John and Hank, I'm over the moon excited to get married in July, but I'm in a bit of a pickle. Oh, I just read on it. It's not a literal pickle unfortunately. I would have been a minute of previous question. I'm in a bit of a pickle. How do I get out of this pickle to get married? That's it, bird! The aunt say reports that he's not on a married pickle.

I recently accidentally came across an intel that my mom had been planning a surprise for me at my wedding. I'm a huge fan of surprises. Oh, okay. This one is a bit much. She intended to have a live owl fly our rings to us at the ceremony.

No! I understand the impulse, but you're just like, if you don't know this is gonna happen, you're gonna be like, oh God, giant bird attack! Who doesn't think, who thinks, oh, what a nice surprise! No, you think we're being attacked by a bird You know like every year too somebody does die from an owl attack Google it Google while I'm reading the rest of the question. I know she has this idea out of thoughtfulness and love I'm a big potter fan that doesn't you know what like I

Red those books and at no point does an owl carry wedding rings into a wedding ceremony But anyway, this is clearly a no-good terrible idea in so many ways. Here's the issue. I was told this information by someone close to me because my mom wasn't able to make this happen. Really? That's a big surprise. Yeah, that's good. Excellent. But they also said that my mom said, guess I'll just have to come up with a different plan. I'm not supposed to know about the owl situation in the first place, but what if my mom tries to bring a different species of animal to carry rings at my wedding? My question is this,

do I tell my mom I don't want any avian beings at my wedding, or do I trust her to make a reasonable surprise? Quite contrary, Mary Kate. I mean, do you know the story about almost definitely the murder? Yeah, no, I was going to talk about Chalka Milk. Oh, I thought we were still talking about the Alamurder, but can we let go of the Chalka Milk thing because it was never a good bit and now it's been going on way too long. But you know what was a great bit? The pickle? The plums. The pickle, okay.

Yeah, I did look up the owl murder and I'm a little confused. Don't you? I'm not entirely 100% sure that the owl did it. Oh, it is very controversial because you mean because the accused human killer. Yeah, probably killed. May have killed the person. Previous spouse. Right.

Right. Yeah. There's an argument to make that it might not have been an owl. But there's also an argument to make that it wasn't an owl. Who knows? For sure. All we know for certain Hank is that Mary Kate has is in quite a pickle. Here's the thing, Mary Kate. What if you go to your wedding in a pickle? Wait, but I think so my feeling is if you know that

there's gonna be a bird that it's okay for there to be a bird. Right. So you know now, well, if a bird attacks you, it's just the ring bearer. It's part of the plan. But I mean, who wants to try to like wrestle a wedding ring from the talons of a bird? But it's very well trained bird. Okay, here's guess how it just has to come up with a different plan. That's the direct quote from Mary Kate's mom It doesn't say that it's gonna be a bird. It could be a whale that whale could be a walk-in ring bear A ring bearer Ring bear a ring bear. Oh my god Mary Kate your mom is going to hire a panda to come to your wedding

is going to hire a panda to come to your wedding. I hope it's a galala. That's going to be a non-bear bear. Walk with me here. Yeah. So the bear obviously isn't going to be able to hold the wedding rings, right? Yeah. What's it going to do? Well, I think I'm just going to strap it to him.

Wrong. Dead wrong. Right, like, three hours before the wedding, you feed the Koala two wedding rings. And then right, and then the Koala walks down the aisle. The boobs, out they come. You dig them out of the Koala poop. And it's like that like extra awesome coffee that's been through the digestive system of a cat

or whatever. Exactly. Is it your wedding ring? Yes, with this ring, I the wed. Yeah. Yeah, that's it, Hank. We solved it, Mary Kate. Tell your mom the higher a koala, the pick the wedding room. But make sure you know a good amount about koala digestion because I think that might be real slow. And so you might have to feed it to him like a few days. You might have like a four-day wedding. We got a lot of weird wedding traditions in America, but we don't have that particular one. You feed a koala to wedding rings and

then the wedding lasts until the koala boots. Sometimes it's just like a 10 minute wedding and then other days like a six week wedding, you know Oh, man. This is just to say I retweeted the plums that were in the ice box tweet Which you have probably already seen forgive me Nice that's good. It's got it. It's it it had a surprise ending Hank we're gonna answer one more question before we get to the all-important news from Mars and the AFC Wimbledon. Okay. But first, I have to let you know that today's the first episode.

It's the first episode? Yes. It's brought to you by... Koala poop! Koala poop! The Future of Weddings! This podcast is also brought to you by... Really Bad Prince Songs.

Really Bad Prince Songs! They don't exist. And of course today's podcast is brought to you by really bad print songs. Really bad print songs, they don't exist. And of course today's podcast is brought to you by the plums that were in the ice box no longer. No longer. I mean, not thorny, and this podcast is finally brought to you by aged Gatorade. Hmm. It's been sitting on that shelf there for seven days, getting slightly sweeter so that

John can like it the way that he likes it. That's right, so delicious and so cold. Hank! You have John. Before we get to the news from Mars and the AFC Whimble then, I want to just clear a couple things. I have a couple of corrections to give. I've been gone for like a month because of my vertigo, but before I left, I said that

Facebook might be listening to everything that we say through our phones I was kidding, but lots of people took that seriously Facebook. It's not listening to everything we say through our phones They get plenty of data just from what we choose to give them And I apologize if that wasn't clear also one other thing Sierra wrote in hey, you may remember in a previous episode of the podcast There was a young person who was trying to figure out how to take their secret pet snake with them to college. Right, the parent was like you can't have a snake, they got one anyway, hit the snake for more than a year. Yeah. And then had to go to college and

but didn't want parents to find out about the secret snake. Update, Sierra writes, dear John and Hank, I'm a freshman in college and one of my greatest fears has recently been made a reality and it's all your fault. There is a snake loose in my dorm. Wait, is it? Is it all our fault? Apparently one of the residents had a secret pet snake in her dorm room and now it is loose wandering the halls ready to ruin my life. I can't help but assume that someone in my dorm is a fan of the pod and has listened to your ludicrous advice regarding secret snakes and because of, there is a snake roaming the halls of my building. This is more of a complaint than a question.

See here. Yeah, there's, do your Centennial residents, housing and residential life staff recently learned that a resident in Centennial Hall had an unauthorized pet snake in their room. The pet snake escaped this residence room. We're currently writing to notify you about this and assure you that this snake does not pose a physical threat to anyone in the building. A psychic threat. Yes, an existential threat maybe, but not a physical threat. The coldest of all comforts, right? Yeah, the bear that we've set loose in your dorm has been declawed.

It's so, they're very awful. Doesn't pose a physical threat. It hasn't been fed to wedding rings. In any minute now. All right, this last thing comes from Sarah who says, Why are you cutting down honey suckle? It is super sweet and lovely. If you eat it please, it will change your life.

Google How to Eat Honey Suckle. Here's the thing Sarah. Before my vertigo, but after I got home from the turtles all the way down to her, I spent several weeks cutting honey suckle out of my backyard while building this path that was partly a metaphor, but also like a thing that took 90 hours of my life. And honey suckle is an invasive plant, and it is a disaster to natural Indiana plants. And the reason I was cutting it out is so that we could have some sweet, regular,

homemade Indiana shrubbery, not gross, stupid, honey suckle. So I don't care how good the juice from the flowers taste. It is an invasive weed except it's tree-sized. Could we like harness it? And like maybe people would want it so bad that we'd over far like we just like over harvest it and then I'll be gone because apparently it's pretty good. I've had honey suckle. It's tasty. No, we can't. That's a good idea Hank because

humans are traditionally good at over harvesting anything that we like, but we literally cannot like honey suckle enough to get rid of all of it. I could spend the rest of my life cutting honey suck for like a proper. It seems like a bit of a typical thing to like bottle. Like one bud and then you suck it out and spit it into the bottle and then one and it's gonna take a long time and you can I mean, Gatorade is available at stores. All right, this last question comes from Emma, right? Dear John and Hink, I was confronted at work yesterday

evening with my first official Get Well Card signing. I waffled, and I found myself at a loss for what to write. I waffled between ideas for a solid five minutes and before setting on a short, unfeeling Get Well soon. I can't help but feel like a horribly unsympathetic person for not thinking of anything else, but it is for a coworker and all. So anything more emotional just seemed weird. What the heck is one supposed to write in a get-well card?

It feels like signing yearbooks when you write something repetitive and codified that is totally disconnected for many of your genuine feelings. Also, I can't help but feel like telling someone to get well soon is rather insensitive since it's not usually up to them whether they get well soon or not. It's just like the great point. Why are you telling like, can you set an order? I already had that idea. It's like, oh my god, I until I read your card, it hadn't crossed my mind. Well, I've never thought about that. That's weird. Yeah, I hope you get well soon.

I hope you are. Yes. I work you are. Yes. I work with a lot of elderly people. So I'm afraid this will slowly become a more pressing issue. Please help with my deal. Emma with mom. Deal. Because she's in a pickle.

Do you know what? But also she's in a pickle. But he didn't do it. Do Emma. You just got it. I think it's good. Good. All right.

Emma, what you write this a great question. I recently got a get well card from all the people at our office because of the Incapacity very very good that I had and I don't want to criticize anybody because we work with very very many nice people But some of them said get well soon to which my reaction was, I already thought of that. I've already tried that strategy, it did not work, and here I am still not well less soon than I would want. And the one that I like the most, the one that I found the most helpful personally was, I hope you feel better. I hope you feel better is good, because like, never not true. Even when you're good, I hope you feel better. Yeah. Right, I hope you feel better is good because like never not true. Even when you're good, I hope you feel better. Yeah. Right.

I hope you feel better than you feel right now. Did you? You seem like you feel pretty good. I do, but I could feel better. Right. I hope I do soon. I hope I feel better soon. Yeah.

I hope you feel better soon. It is a universal lift up. And you're never, yeah, you're never feeling all the way. Yeah. Sometimes I think people don't need to feel better than they're currently feeling. Another strategy, Emma. So you mean, if you need to feel a little worse,

then you're feeling better. Maybe. That's the case, not almost never, but occasionally. Another thing that Emma could do since she knows that she works with a lot of elderly people, is she could write, I understand that you are an elderly person and this will probably become more and more of an issue as time goes on. I don't know if that would be an incentive.

And I hope that you feel better soon. But likely this will continue to be a problem. If it's not too bad of a vanilla list, I draw fish. Sure. And then I draw a little line, comes out of the fish's butt, and then it says, poot. That's the drill thing. That's it. Man, I haven't heard his story that good since the milk store.

The milk store is great. That's such a good story. What is the news for Mars? Maybe it was a little misplaced. What is the news for Mars? NASA, you've heard of them. They're great. They are working on the next generation curiosity Rover thing, Mars 2020 Rover.

And you may have heard that Curiosity's wheels are not great shape. Oh, yeah, it's a big problem. Yeah, so I've actually got to start driving Curiosity backward. Right. Just trying to get the tread worn on the other side. Basically, yeah. Well, yeah, like, the first wheels hit the rocks first, you know, I get it.

And so NASA is working on new wheel designs and they have just let people know about this cool flexible chain male wheel. That's made out of chains. Now, that's gonna give us the traction we need, but also the flexibility and the durability that you want in a wheel that's gonna be driving around on the surface of Mars for, you know, hopefully, five, maybe even 10 years with the mission like this. This wheel, I believe it uses, okay, so yeah, it's a nickel titanium shape memory alloy. Such alloys remember their original shape and spring back immediately

after deforming, meaning that they retain their original shape and performance. So, it's a cool, a cool new wheel design coming out of NASA to make curiosities new cousins more durable and long-lasting. That's exciting, but not as maybe not as exciting as the AFC Wimbledon. Duh duh duh duh! Hank, so AFC Wimbledon played, I can't remember who, I think Charlton, in the second round of the FA Cup. The FA Cup is this competition in England where for the first two rounds teams from the lower leagues play each other and then if they can make it to the third round of the FA Cup that's when the premier league teams and the teams from the second year in

England the championship come in okay uh... so i can hear you might remember that uh... few years ago you might remember that a fc winbladon made it to the third round of the FA Cup and they played with a pool remember and i was very, very difficult for me because I grew up a Liverpool fan and I was like, uh, but they're not going to be Liverpool. So indeed, they didn't. They lost two. But they played Liverpool at home, which is great because it's like a big club and they come and it's on TV and everything, but it wouldn't have been, it's not as good as

if we'd play Liverpool at Liverpool, and do you know why that is? Because the Liverpool sells more tickets. 60,000 tickets, as opposed to AFC Wimbledon Stadium, which sells out at 4,800. What if I told you that the third round of the FA Cup, Wimbledon made it to the third round of the FA Cup, thanks to a goal scored it to the third round of the FA Cup, thanks to a goal scored by the Montserrati and Messi-Lyle Taylor, the resurgent-Lyle Taylor. This is what you're saying.

He's on fire. He's got rid of those frosted tips. He's still has the frosted tips. I never mind. Nobody's perfect. So they made it to the third round of the FA Cup. They could have drawn any team. They could have drawn Swindon.

They could have drawn the franchise currently, applying its trade Milton Keynes, but they drew the best possible draw. Tottenham away, which means that they are going to play at Wembley, the national stadium, because Tottenham is currently building a stadium. So they're playing this season at Wembley, the national stadium because Tottenham is currently building a stadium. So they're playing this season at Wembley, the place where they won the league two playoff to go to league one. Dad was there, my friend Stewart was there, you were unable to attend. Rosiana was there, it was magical, you would have had a great time.

I don't know what you're doing, parenting or something. So they're going to play at Wembley in the third round of the FA Cup against Tottenham. And here's the great thing, Hank, two things. First off, AFC Wembleyden has never lost a game at Wembley ever, ever. So they've played two and they won them both. So first off, we're probably going to win. Secondly, even if we don't win, it is so much money. It's so much money.

One game against Tottenham is so much money. Like we might stay up entirely because we happen to draw Tottenham away. So you got to spend this money immediately. I would hope so. You got to be like, hey, hot shot, 22 year old. More likely, hey last guy on Tottenham's bench. If you wanna spend the last three months of the season on loan in South London and hope you like, yeah, of course I do.

Great, come on, man. We can afford your wages for three months. So's very it's incredibly it's funny sometimes in football Results matter and sometimes in football you just have to pull taught them away in the third round of the FA Cup and Like if we win or tie that would be amazing, but it also doesn't matter. Yeah, if we lose also amazing I just you win everybody everybody good at the game Get a ticket get a ticket. Is it gonna sell out? I don't probably not probably not yeah, not them fans get tickets to the hot hot third round of the FA cup It's probably the only time you play aFC Wimbledon ever Don't miss this opportunity taught them

Don't miss this opportunity, Todd. It's incredibly exciting. We said ever at the same time, I think we giggled the same, and I'm uncomfortable. Well, the last thing I wanted to say just before we close podcast downhank is that you know my favorite character from the DC universe? Yeah, Paul Manafort. It's like really familiar with him. It's a really good joke. Yeah, Paul Manafort. bail. What do you do? He says bail revoked because he's been working with a Russian spy. Well under house arrest. What on an op-ed piece about why we should have better relationships with the Russians. What? Yeah, so they revoked his mail. I mean, this DC universe stuff is so amazing, Hank. What's happening in DC universe right now?

The Justice League stuff is great. You got the Mueller on the one side, you got the crazy Maniford on the other side with his three passports and his password to his email being bond 007. It's gold, gold, gold, gold. I just wanna congratulate the writers of the weird timeline in which we found ourselves. This is great, this is great stuff. And I'm recording this in the past, by the way. So if in the interim, the president has resigned and or fired the special counsel and or whatever, it's gold. It's all gold. It's terrible. It's awful

We should I hate myself for paying attention to it, but it's also gold. Hank, thank you for potting with me. Yes, John Yes, what did we learn today? Very little. We learned that the milk story isn't very good. We heard that it certainly wasn't placed in the proper place We learned that the plums that were in the ice box were both delicious and cold. And we learned that AFC Wimbledon has never lost a game at Wimbley. Or at least I learned that. Not yet.

When's that game happen? January 6th or 7th or 5th. I can't go because my friend in Rico is turning 40. And I called my wife and I said, do I have to go to Rico's birthday party? And she said yes. And then I called in Rico and I was do I have to go to it? Rico's birthday party and she said yes and then I called it Rico and I was like do you want to go to London with me? and he said he said I can't because my wife will get mad because I'm turning 40.

So I can't go to the game. I'm kind of annoyed about it. I'm still thinking maybe what if I flew his life over there too? Oh, it's good. Alright John, thanks for pouting with me. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosiana Halsey and Sheridan Gibson, our head of community and communications ex-Victoria von Jorno, this music that you're hearing, and at the beginning is by the great Gunnarola, and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.